#754 - RICK INGRAHAM + BERT KREISCHER

17:56Brian Redban:Welcome to another episode of Fat Tony, everybody. What are your thoughts on pumpernickel? Too much fucking shit going on there. Okay. That guy's talking bread. That's going to get America united. I love it. Okay, so Big Vinny, let's talk about it. What's been going on in your life? What is that, the fat people talking about bread sound? Let's hear that one more time.

18:31I love the horn section so much. Roasting with a trombone. and this is out of control. I think we just got baked. Yeah.

18:43Brian Redban:Big Vinny, give us a fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you. Something special that makes you you. I collect sports cards, and that's what I've been living off of, selling that. Sports cards and Pokemon cards. Singles. I don't set up at fucking the store with a tent and fucking scalp like those scumbags. And that's your job? Hell yeah. That's how you make money. So I was working at Cheers for like seven months as a door guy, but then after that, I started selling cards and living off of that. So what you do is you steal Pokemon cards from the kids molest. And then you resell those.

19:22So I've had a single mom, like I was hooking up with a single mom. Oh, yeah. Guys, the joke I just said, I didn't know about this single mom story. I don't want to be an accomplice in whatever. All right, go on. So she was having trouble paying the rent one month, and so she turned to her son's Pokemon cards. No. He had to say goodbye to his Charizard GX. Are you serious? How much does a Charizard go for? It depends which one. There's so many, but yeah. His collection was probably$1 ,500. Wow. Paid her rent, yeah. Oh, my God.

20:01Brian Redban:You see why that mom is so single? What a bitch. And he took that$1 ,500. and he started a child trafficking ring. Crazy business plan. My God,$1 ,500 for a Charizard? No, it was like probably a binder full of like 30 cards. Oh, my God. So did the kid have any Pokemon cards left by the time you were done pounding out this single mom? Yeah, I left him with some Christmas gifts. What kind of Christmas gifts exactly? Let me guess, half a rotisserie chicken? filled with Pokemon cards. A little brother that he won't pay for. Not unless those Don Mattingly rated rookies pick up in value. Meanwhile, the mom's sitting like, Vinny's so good with my son, they just sit and go through his Pokemon cards all day.

20:53Oh, you got that, buddy. Nice, nice. You know that's not that valuable anymore.

20:59Brian Redban:Oh, yeah, you don't want this one. This is worth nothing. So how much money do you think you've made slinging cards, if you had to guess? Ballpark. Well, just enough to, like, pay my rent and stuff. It's probably, like,$20 ,000 the last six months. So you're out there selling the cards, but how are you getting them? How do you know when you find a deal? So, like, I buy collections. Like, people are trying to get out of it. Like, obviously, you got to pay, like, half of what the cards are worth and stuff, like, and even less for stuff that's undesirable. You're like a Coinstar machine for cards.

21:30Can I ask you a really serious question? If someone gave you, say, like$500 ,000 and said, invest this in cards, what could you turn that into? Oh, I could make that into it. Like, how long are you talking? How long a time? Probably a foot and a half Italian sub. Full rotisserie chicken. This time with the grapes, because when you got that kind of cash, you don't care about the sugar. We can buy him to an H-E-B. But have you seen Jake Paul talk about his card that he wears around his neck? He talks about the investment versus annuities and real estate, and it's fucking crazy. He's a scammer. He's a scammer.

22:06Say that once again for the Internet. Yeah. Logan Paul, he's no good.

22:11Brian Redban:Wow. Looks like I'm going to have to fight in a boxing ring in a few months. All right. Big Vinny, you were the first bucket pool of the night. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Got to start somewhere. Big Vinny, everybody. Here we go With your second bucket pool Of the night Ladies and Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone Oh my goodness gracious The crowd goes wild Alright, your next bucket pool Goes by the name of Greg Bergman, everybody Greg Bergman Here we go I'm in a great mood I'm dating a beautiful girl I shouldn't say girl she actually identifies as non-binary. Which I gotta say, fellas, it's the best of both worlds.

23:01You know, I come home from work, I'm gonna, depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat the shit out of him, you know? No, you get away with it. No, no, no, officer, she put on the makeup to cover the black eye I gave him. Not the other way around, you know? You get away with it, it's amazing. Well, I've signed up 57 times, I don't know if I'll ever be back. I have to tell Austin, I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look up. I do. I'd have the biggest thing in Austin. I'm not bragging. I bought it. That's odd. Allow me to explain. About 10 years ago, or Lincoln would say half a score, I got a penis implant.

23:36Made a movie about a pig like me. And there's only one caveat. They can only make it thicker, not longer. You know? And I'm a little disproportionate. I got to be honest. You're supposed to go twice. I went three times. Third time, not a charm. I'm hung like a hockey puck. It was really a couple of cans of tuna stacked on top of one another, but not that cheap bumblebee shit They're talking about that albacore about that solid white meat. That's what I got

24:03Brian Redban:True all right, Greg Bergman Greg I missed the big dick thing. Can you explain I'm I was trying to I was doing three things. Oh Oh literally missed it. I have one big thing. Yeah, that was it You really just have a big dick? I was like, I must have missed a bunch of it. It was thick. Yes, I have a penis implant, and you really do? Yeah, I do. It's fun stuff. Yeah. You really do? No, I do do. Okay, so let's talk. Let's start there. Yeah. I can't imagine starting anywhere else. Is it what I'm seeing right now bulging out of your pants? Yeah. Holy shit. Is that your dick? That is a fucking wad. I know.

24:45Touch it. And those are genes. Bert, touch it.

24:47Brian Redban:It's not gay if it's an implant. Touch it. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Look at that dick. It is a little hard. No, no, no. That's just the plastic stuff. Does it stay like that? Uh, no. So, yeah, it hangs more because there is plastic in it, so... Bert, are you okay? That's fucking real. Yeah, yeah. I just heard you tell a ghost story at a campfire, and I got in my tent and saw shadows. You can, dreams really do come. That is a solid cock. And it's just, it's limp. That's the one you want is the one that black guys have in the shower. That's it. This is incredible. We've been doing this show 13 years and I have 784 questions remaining.

25:35Brian Redban:What? My first question is why is Bert kind of hard? Now this is how it goes. You have to touch Bert's and then it goes all the way down. until Red Band comes in his pants. All right. So, Greg, I don't even know where to begin. When did you get this penis implant? How sweet was your dick? Okay, in 2014, I made a movie about it called Big Like Me. It's on Tubi now. The director's cut's now on Tubi. Fantastic. We can watch, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tubi is the perfect network to pick this up. Well, there was this other movie called Lung Hung Hero that got to South by Southwest two months before we were done editing.

26:12It fucked me because conceptually it was similar. So it fucked me with festivals. So that guy now has cancer and I'm glad. Oh my God. But that little dick, he didn't go all the way. I went all the way. I got it. Can I make one just suggestion from a professional comedian to you? Yeah. You got to close with a dick, okay? You can't open with it because I can't stop looking at your dick. Yeah. It's so prominent. It is like...

26:39Brian Redban:I thought Bert was going to say when you come out on stage to start your set, you just pull it out and then do your whole set with your dick hanging out the entire time. I'm a star. Maybe. Shirt on, pants on, it could be a big thing. Here's my idea. I have an idea. You come out with your dick out, it has a shirt on, and then you pull the shirt off and the crowd goes wild. This is why you're who you are. Okay. Exactly. So let's start with the question that everybody wants to know. Exactly how big was your dick pre-implant? Okay, so it can only make it thicker. That's not true. They have it where you have a pump.

27:14Brian Redban:Okay, man, let's not argue about it. I know you've done deep research on this. Let the expert... They can make it... That's not true. There's many imprints you can get. Shut the fuck up. They're not making... Okay, shut up. They can make it longer, but only really when it's flaccid. Nobody cares about that. So, really, the thickness is what matters. It was a normal thing. Everything was normal, or else it wouldn't be compelling. If it was a tiny dick, it's not funny. If it's a big dick, one's bigger. normal dick, normal length, normal girth, maybe a little smaller, but normal. In the statistical average.

27:44Give my fucking numbers, bro. You went to a doctor. Okay, okay. Well, the average girth is five inches circumference. That's where I was. So it was right in the statistical mean. But I blew my shit up. I went three times, not twice. You're supposed to go twice. First of all, circumference. Can I feel one more time? You got the measuring tape out. I got eight and a half inches circumference now. Like Shane Diesel, right next to him. Wow. I'm eight. He's eight and a half. Wow. Eight inches circumference. That's length. It's like this, Tony. Like this. For you to know, for your reference.

28:17Brian Redban:I think I can fit that. It's unnecessary. No one has to, it's not, you don't have to. So eight inches around right now? Yeah, actually a little bigger when it's soft, depending on humidity and stuff, it's very strange. It's bigger when it's soft? Yeah, a little bigger when it's like almost all the way hard, it's a little bit bigger. It's weird. It's definitely weird. Rick. You know, whatever. My mind is picturing the side-by-side of Florida and Phoenix. It's as big as your wrist. That's eight inches. Do we have a measuring tape just for our wrist? That's not as exciting. This fucking homo right here is like, yeah, let's go.

29:00Here's what I'm wondering. Something that big, are you even able to get it into a dude's butt?

29:06Brian Redban:That was my next question. All right. There's a measuring tape. Let's do Bert's rinse. Let's see what we got here. Because eight around seems like a lot. Maybe I'm crazy. Well, no. You're not. What is a can? You're not insane. It's. It is as big as this fucking. Are you serious? Oh, Bert's got it. There we go. Uh-oh. Wow. Of all teeth, but I got it in. this guy isn't the king of god damn it i'll do i'll do whatever you want mr burt anytime people go how did burt get his career we're just gonna send that picture that is unbelievable impressive you you need to you need lose the joke just talk about your dick okay you have said like everyone has dick jokes right we all have dick jokes it's such a staple of comedy and you have the best dick jokes ever because you have that thing right right i actually loved the opening joke called oh yeah it was i don't know how long have you been doing stand-up comedy off and on 15 years but consistently a year and a half i was a little bitch i at the comedy store a long time ago i've seen it like 20 years ago i started i stopped i was a little bit of a bitch i can tell you have like showbiz you have like weird like sham wow guy energy's up here.

30:31Brian Redban:Like, you're very comfortable up here for... Well, that's... I'm wildly nervous, actually, but I'm getting into it. I can tell your dick's big as fuck. Yeah. If you were really comfortable... That's what happens when I get nervous. Oh, you don't want to make me nervous. Oh, my goodness. Greg Burton. Have you had the ShamWow guy on? Yeah, he popped out once. One time there was a guy on stage who goes, I came with the ShamWow guy. I'm like, the ShamWow guy's here? Let's get him out of here. And then he did. One time he goes, hey, will you drive me somewhere? And I go, yeah. And he goes, where are we going?

30:59and he goes, my mom's house. And I drove him to his mom's house, and he told me about how the reason he punched a prostitute was because the Church of Scientology set him up.

31:10Brian Redban:Yeah, that's the same guy we met. Yeah, no doubt about it. Yep. So, Greg Bergman, how old are you? 46. 46. What have you been doing your entire life? Because, again, you have these wacky energies. You have, like, perfect eyebrows. I did mascara. I usually get them done. But I put Yeah, you were right with the gig Yeah, I figured it out Are those veneers too? Yeah, yeah, yeah How about the hair? Nobody believes you That's not No, no, no When you go 85 % fake, no one believes I got dick and teeth, everything else is real Fake dick, hair, real And my eyebrows are colored in Usually I get a professional dip But yeah, anyway I've been, I made some movies Don't want to, you know Saw them, I mean some people did And I, then I I was a financial editor and I did some stock Kind of stuff, and then I went poor a few times And went crazy, did drugs Your best story that involves drugs And Andy Dick Andy Dick?

32:15Brian Redban:Do you have one? Do you have an Andy Dick story? No, I don't have an Andy Dick story Wow, you can see No, I don't have an Andy Dick story Absolutely incredible, Greg So how did you make most of your money? Doing the financial stuff? Yeah, that and pay to do a couple movies, but mostly financials. Everyone invested in it like me. Nothing ever worked out, but they're good. Nobody gives a shit. In Italy, they know my dick movie. Let's go back to the fucking nitty-gritty here. How much was the penis implant? How much did it cost? Penis implant is$3 ,500 per injection. You're supposed to get two series of injections.

32:50I went three, but they gave me a discount because I made the movie, and that's why I have what is unusually thick. You're supposed to have two. I went three times, and the third time you got more. You don't know how much you're getting every time? This is like a Hulk serum situation. This is how super villains are made.

33:08Brian Redban:Was there any side effects from the third injection? No, it's just too big. Come on. No. There must have been something. Did it feel weird to pee or something? No, no side effects other than when I went to New Orleans. is right after that. You probably know Joey. You got this done in New Orleans? No, I got it done in Mexico. Oh, Jesus Christ. But he trained in Brazil. Oh, my God. You got beans in your burrito, dude. If there was ever a time to travel to Africa for plastic surgery, I don't know if I go to Mexico. It's actually been quite good. Not to mention when they finally cut his dick open and get their cocaine back, they're going to be fucking furious.

33:48That's right. Cock mule. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. You wake up, it's going to be big, we promise. We ended up going with three shots.

34:00Brian Redban:You have the dick of a mule. Amazing, Bergman. Amazing, Greg Bergman. What's your love life like? Did you have a girl when you were getting these injections? I was married when I got these injections, yeah. How did that end? Divorce. Yeah, but not because of it. actually she liked it more than before something. Well, welcome to another episode of No Fucking Shit. Yeah, yeah. But I think the kind of, maybe it was the kind of person who would do that, you know, she left me, so yeah. Why? Why do you think she left you? Did she leave you for another man? No, no, she left me, the movie was, got a little bit too much.

34:41It's taken a lot of your time. And also I had my dad, that's not funny, my dad's schizophrenic used to dying out, you know, live on the street and was insane. And I do drugs, you know, not anymore, but I used to do a lot of drugs.

34:52Brian Redban:You know. What kind of drugs? Just, you know, coke. Give us 33 more reasons why she left you. You're really unwindin'. What? Yeah, yeah. It was diddling. We grew apart. Grew apart. Amazing. You grew apart. Naturally grew apart. No injections necessary. to me we grew apart wow like her vag hole grew apart after she fucked up for the first time exactly i'm kind of blown away yeah yeah this is really fascinating to me isn't it amazing i cannot stop looking at his dick it is for those of you listening wondering why it seems like we're all kind of staring it does look like he has a that's a fun thing it's like it's like pinocchio during COVID, wearing a mask, and you're like, I still know you're Pinocchio.

35:43Brian Redban:Yeah, it does. He looks like he has one of those really good steakhouse baked potatoes in his pan. One of those fully loaded with the sour cream chives, bacon. Twice baked with a little extra added in. Wow. You ever seen a fupa? It's like a baby fupa. It's like just on a fupa. Yeah. It's like a fubu fupa. Because it's black. Because it's thick. Speaking of which, we have a Kill Tony big joke book that just so happens, I'm not kidding, to have fucking King Kong, a giant gorilla on the front. Thank you. What better than you to get this? Thank you very much. I liked the opening joke. I didn't understand you talking about your big dick.

36:24Brian Redban:But if you're going to do stand-up, I agree. You should have jokes about getting a penis implant. You should hit it on the nose. There he goes. Greg Bergman, everybody. Wow. What an interview. What an interview. you. That is the first fake dick on the show that also happens to have a penis implant. I would have ones that make it long, by the way. Is everybody good out there? You guys having fun? This is kind of like a... This crowd's never really been brought together all at one time yet. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Eliezer Guzman. Eliezer. I know I'm saying that wrong. Guzman, everybody.

37:06Hey everybody, Telazar again. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight, so I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push-ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive. Tell them I miss them. Yeah, yeah, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell on a lime scooter about a month ago, and I fell on my right hand, and I couldn't use it for a while, and it made things awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex-girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk. I was drunk. So we made out. She was like, I want you to finger me right now.

37:52But all I had was my left. And the best way I could describe it, you ever try to plug your charger in the dark?

38:03Like, I could have sworn the holes are right here. If you didn't get that, you're European.

38:15Brian Redban:Eleazar. Welcome. Welcome back. You've been on this show before, I remember, because your name is hard to pronounce. Yes. Eleazar. What is that again? It's Jewish. Oh, wow. All right. I'm not Jewish, though. You have a Jewish name? You're just trying to make it in showbiz? Uh, yeah. Well, my mom's Puerto Rican, so she was just trying to help. You know what I mean? Nice. What's your dad? My dad is Peruvian. Okay. All right. Look at that. Unbelievable. El Azar. What does it mean? Does it mean something? It means God has helped. God is helped? Has helped. God has helped. Yeah. Not with your set, obviously.

39:00Brian Redban:How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it 12 years. 12 years? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Where at? That's the funniest thing you've said all night. Where have you been doing it? New Jersey, New York, all over the country. In my bedroom. How long were you doing stand-up in New York? About 10 years. Did you like it? Yeah, I liked it a lot. You love it. How long ago did you move to Austin? I moved here about a year and nine months ago. Okay. What do you do for work? I work as a chef, and I work as a dispensary, so I work at a dispensary. Okay. All right. What kind of chef are you? I make burgers.

39:40All right. Yeah, burgers. He really helped his title there with chef. Yeah. I make burgers. Where are we making burgers? I work at NADC, but I'm trying to expand to do my own thing. Oh, nice. That's a good thing to say to Philip. I know.

39:59Brian Redban:Yeah, we're all friends with the owner of NADC. It is an unbelievable burger. In fact, it's almost too good. It makes you want to go to sleep afterwards. It's like heroin. It's absolutely incredible. What? Okie dokie. That was cool. He's like the first mass shooter vibe we've had of the night. And to get someone from the crowd with the same vibe shouting out was cool. Yeah, he said heroin and that guy said Janine. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

40:32Brian Redban:Anyway, now we got his dealer's name. Was this primarily newer stuff you were working on tonight? Yeah, it was, yeah. I was saying for 12 years, I would love to hear like an old joke that you know works. Yeah, you have like one of your favorite jokes that you could just do just to show us how funny you are. I could do that. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his old jokes makes some noise for Elazar, everybody. Here we go.

40:57I've been going to therapy lately. Had a weird situation. My real father was a criminal. And my stepdad was a little person. So I had no one to look up to.

41:16Yeah. What? I... What? A lot of comics in the middle of the show go, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go ahead, go ahead. When I met him, I was just five years old, and he was just a little bigger than me. And my mom was like, this is your new stepdad. I was like, my stepdad is seven years old. And it gave me weird confidence, because he used to hit me. Yeah, and even when I was little, I was like, this bigger kid hits like a bitch. but what really messed me up is i i met him when i was five so i just started school that year and i was getting bullied at recess so i was like wow those kids really meant it when they said

42:00Brian Redban:they were gonna fuck my mom wow wow look at that do that next time you would think he would have done that in front of the millions of viewers but he's just out here balling out of control trying brand new stuff. Yeah, probably A-game it on this podcast. You're like the guy in the orgy just jerking off in the corner going, no, I'll do it myself. I don't want to come too quick the first time. I'm going to do this. I'm going to unload one and then I'm coming in. Is your stepfather really a little guy? No. Oh, just lie to me next time. He's just 5 '6". An Italian midget. Elizar, tell us something crazy about your life that we would never guess about you.

42:52I grew up Jehovah's Witness.

42:56I used to be really fat. I used to be like 300 pounds. How sick is your dick? That's the big question of the night. How did you lose the weight? How did I lose the weight? I stopped drinking for like four months. Oh. Oh. How much were you drinking? Well, it turns out I wasn't fat. I was just a drunk piece of shit.

43:21Brian Redban:Were you drinking all day, all throughout the day? Pretty much just every day. What were you drinking? Gravy? Yeah. IPAs. Vodka soft, mostly. IPAs will do it. IPAs are a whole thing. Amazing. So Jehovah's Witnesses can't have medicine, right? No, it's Christian scientists. My bad. Jehovah's Witnesses don't have birthdays. Yeah. So how do you show up in this world?

43:51Philosophically, they can't have a birthday. They are born.

43:57Brian Redban:So did you not celebrate a birthday for a long time? No. Literally, my mom would be like, it's a special day today. And I'd be like, what is it? She's like, I can't tell you. Check your birth certificate. And that would literally be it. Yeah, yeah. So you didn't get presents? I didn't get presents or nothing. No, it's just I got used to it. Did you have cake? So did Tina Turner. Jesus Christ. What an abusive fucking thing. It's a special day today, bitch. All right, check your birth. When's the first time you celebrated your birthday? I was 17. a bunch of my friends who were trying to make me stop being a Jehovah's Witness I bet they were like hey we're all going to be at a bridge somewhere where you can preach to us and I showed up to the bridge they had a 30 pack of beers and they were like happy birthday what a surprise party slash intervention so I'm like surprise surprise for what?

44:58your birthday? oh shit I'm getting the fucking full bootcock

45:02Brian Redban:it's a great intervention when your friends bring you a 30-pack of beer for the first time. Is your family still Jehovah's Witness? Yeah, my mom's really into it, yeah. Damn, that's awesome. Wow. I mean, she's still awesome. She's a great mom. Remember the part where she didn't give you fucking birthday presents? Yeah. Great mom. My uncle was really cool, man. He had the softest fingers in the world. Old Silky Uncle Dave. Yeah. So she gave you a Jewish name and no presents. That's fucked up. Wow. That's incredible. Yeah. My birthday was pretty weird when I was born. When is your birthday? Now I'm curious.

45:50August 21st, 1990.

45:52Brian Redban:August 21st. Yeah, I was born premature, so my lungs didn't work. so the doctors told my mom that I was probably going to die and she prayed to God and she said if my son lives I will give him to you and because I lived she named me Eleazar so that's why my name is that's kind of cute wow that's incredible for her to come all this way and see him die on stage

46:21before the big comeback

46:25Brian Redban:Eleazar he rose again Eleazar, you did it. It was a rough minute, but then you did a good minute. So it's a medium joke book tonight. Keep signing up. Oh, Eleazar. Almost went in the kitty. Right off the chest. God did not help him catch that joke book. There goes Eleazar, everybody. All right. We're having fun here. We're cooking. And here we go. Three. Word name. Your fourth bucket bowl of the night is Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Here comes Sharon Ruth.

47:01Good evening, Kill Tony people. Take two. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I have two helpful hints for the male of our species to better interact with me. One, if you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony, more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take, and inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience, be aware in Texas and a handful of other states, it is against the law. I find them amusing, so I will allow it. If, and only if, you follow these guidelines.

47:54Well lit, head to toe, nude, fully erect, holding a 16-ounce bottle adjacent for size comparison. Thank you.

48:05Brian Redban:Jesus fucking Christ. Sharon, what the fuck was that, dude? Well, here's the deal, Tony. After the last time, I figured out that I, being a naturally born female, cannot ever possibly say something at all funny. So I should say something that would make my life easier when the onslaught of like your 10 ,000, you know, male followers. 10 ,000 male followers. 10 ,000. Wow. The big 10 ,000. Yeah. Let's check in with Rick Ingram here. The first thing is, we gotta send her a pic of that thick dick from earlier. Yeah, no doubt about it. We gotta get that. Correct. We're gonna have to scan it on a printer, because it's not gonna be on an iPhone.

48:58Brian Redban:There was so much insanity throughout that set. Was the implication that I've mentioned to you my penis? When I was on last time, you did mention your penis twice, so I changed the subject. What was the context of me mentioning my penis? It was just how hard you were or not. One time was not so much. One time was really hard. What were we talking about at the time? Which the first time was probably my set. The second time was that I'd shot somebody. Anthony, hand's clear. I think you're a little bit out of context here, but no doubt about it. I mention my penis very rarely. No, you did mention it twice.

49:35Brian Redban:Was it a hee-hee-ha-ha? Did people go ha-ha afterwards, Sharon? Do they make that wacky noise that you don't understand how it gets made? This is one of that thing right there. You hear that? That wacky noise? You hear that? I went ahead and changed the subject and asked if he were circumcised. And some people were like, they got it and they thought it was hilarious. And then some people were like, that came out of nowhere. And I was like, no, he mentioned his penis. So I'm allowed to ask if he's circumcised. Okay, Sharon, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Tony, did you guys date at any point? Oh, God.

50:07Brian Redban:But Sharon Ruth, you have three words to your name and not that many punchlines at all. This is incredible. When you were in high school, did you tell people you were a cat or something like that? Yeah. That's a great question. You do have those energies. I'm really a cat. My boyfriend's an energy vampire. He's going to be a librarian for 300 years. Are you doing comedy other places? I am. Where? What are you doing? How often do you try this? I did comedy in Spain last year. It was pretty cool. Well, they probably couldn't understand you either. They have a pretty big English-speaking comedy scene, actually.

50:54All right.

50:54Brian Redban:Wow. Are you like the last guy? Do you have different jokes that are better than whatever you planned to do here tonight that nobody understood? No, I am technically more of a storytelling comic, and a minute is kind of hard. Wow, we'd love to hear a 25-minute banger from Sharon Ruth Hensley. Wow. I think we're going to have to keep moving. The main reason I wanted to come on is, so I have a major anxiety disorder, and last time I almost did pass on stage. Nobody could tell. Oh, we should have been so lucky.

51:28At this time, it's not that much better. I was hoping the nerves would go down a second time, but it's really hard. I think it's contagious. I felt like you were nervous running through that. Yeah. You felt like a hologram. Well, no, I wanted to get it in in a minute. I respect the minute timeline. No, no, no, I think you're looking at comedy the wrong way. Respect the joke and then make it. Don't try to cram it into a minute. I think that's where the disconnect was, is slow it down and find your pacing. because it did feel rushed. I don't want to be shitty because I've been nervous on stage and tore through material before.

52:05Brian Redban:I'll be shitty. You could have done that. You could have pumped the brakes on that and done it so slow that it took 20 minutes to get through that and still there's not a funny, unidentifiable moment throughout the entire thing. I did it very intentionally. It is funny to start and select people. Who are these people? Where are they? Can I suggest trying to perform to maybe the Kill Tony audience? Yeah, maybe them. No, what I wanted to tell your audience from last time. So I am not a person. Oh, God. Sharon. No, no, no. Let it happen. No one. What's her name? Karen Roof? Sharon Roof. Sharon. Hensley.

52:48Brian Redban:What do you want to tell the Kill Tony audience, Sharon Roof? I don't know if you think this is going to get any better for you. I am not a person who would do well in jail. I do know from experience. So I should not be talking about things on stage until those pesky statute of limitations run out. There's no statute on attempted murder, so I should not have mentioned that last time. Okay. Wait, so is it possible we could get her arrested tonight? Maybe, I don't know. Sharon Ruth, you just mentioned it again. Do you know that? No, I know. I'm like, well, I already made the mistake. Let me lay into it.

53:24There's something very melodic about her voice when she starts to lose it. And it's like...

53:36I feel like one of those Spanish people right now going like, I get it. You know, and I got your movie. I actually liked it.

53:44Brian Redban:All right, Sharon, did you get a little joke book last time? You got a little joke book before I'm guessing? No, I got a big one. Because of the interview? Because the audience demanded it. All right, Sharon. Sharon, you get nothing this time. There goes Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Good Lord. Unbearable. You've upset Tony's penis. Unbearable. Very good. A choke by red band, everybody. There you go. There she goes. Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. With the patented last, one last crazy glare in the eyes. Little eye contact for everybody. Oh, my God. That's exciting. Yeah. Sharon, it might be time for Sharon to take a break from signing up.

54:30Brian Redban:All right. We have a regular that's going to sage the room right now. He is the newest Force of Nature regular here on Keltony. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

54:49What's up? Guys, I hate the Greyhound. I'm so glad I don't gonna take the Greyhound no more. One time, a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I'll say it again. A nigga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I caught him is because my wallet was in my hoodie because it was cold out, and I felt that nigga's big toes scrape across my tummy. and then while i woke that shit was right there in between his uh thumb toe i don't know what you call it but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker and he got strong legs he got nice legs because you know how like daredevil he his eyes don't work so his ears is stronger so this his arms is his legs so when i tried to grab that shit i had to like tug him You know, I had to tug a war with this nigga.

55:44Then I started wrestling my wallet away. He talk about, you cheating, you cheating. Cause I had to use my arms and my legs

55:53to get it away. When I finally got it, I stood up with my wallet and he stood up with me, but he was wearing a hoodie too with no arms, his arms was dangling. So when he stood up, he was like, what are you gonna do, snitch? I was like, no nigga, we still got eight hours on this bus. I can't snitch. How dare you? Because the other thing is, when I ride the Greyhound, I got my gun on me and they tell you, you can't ride with your gun. You won't get in trouble. Go to court. Go to court. If you tell the judge, why did you have your gun? I was like, I want a Greyhound and I got all of my teeth. They'll be like, acquitted every single time.

56:30Because if I had woken up and that nigga had stole my wallet with my gun, ain't nobody going, ain't nobody going nowhere until I buy my Transformers Velcro wallet. I got a Velcro wallet because I want people to hear me at least try to pay for something.

56:53Everybody within eight to 10 feet, when you hear that, you're like, he did the best that he could. That's my time, y 'all. Thank y 'all. Wow.

57:02Brian Redban:A new two minutes from Dedrick Flynn. twice as long as Sharon Ruth Hensley did. 29 more verifiable punchlines. Absolutely incredible, Dedrick. 17 less hexes, though, unfortunately.

57:22Brian Redban:Dedrick, that is fucking fantastic. Great job. I love Greyhound material. Not enough people have written Greyhound to know fucking just how sketchy that is. It's in a pocket. Like, you know when they drop the nukes and they have, like, a center where everybody meets? That's what the Greyhound is. You don't know what year it is based on what niggas is wearing. When you get out of prison, they give you a Greyhound ticket. Yes, they do. No, so you sit. The majority of the people on that bus just got out of prison. Yeah. I fucking took Greyhound from Tallahassee to Tampa all the time. Wow. I remember when Biggie's album came out, I had headsets and a tape player or a CD player.

58:05And a dude had just got out of prison. He was like, what are you listening to? I was like, Notorious B.I.G. He goes, can I see your headsets? And that was it. They were hit. That's why you got to have a gun, Bert. You got to have it. Hell yeah. We all get robbed on a Greyhound. Of emotion. Bottles get passed around on Greyhound. Oh, yes, they do. Fucking experience. You feel bad. the people are mostly vagabonds and drifters, but everyone on a bus, no matter where you are, looks like they're from Albuquerque.

58:38Brian Redban:Yeah. It is a certain type. Well, it's definitely a table from Albuquerque. What the fuck? Yeah. I stand by what I say. No, they look like that. Don't let them. Get on your bus and go back. Armadillo people. That's right. Dedrick. So you've taken the Greyhound quite a lot? Not no more. I did before. Well, yeah, we know not anymore. It hurt. Yeah. It hurt in here. Like, when you get on there and you got more teeth than everybody combined. When I was on the ground, I noticed I was the only one with teeth. A nigger stole my wallet Cause I was there in Torrey On the Greyhound where you feel too poor Don't wanna ride that shit no more On the Greyhound On the Greyhound On the Greyhound Don't ride no more Greyhound, well I feel too poor On a Greyhound With the meths, the killers And the needles Live They owe you money Greyhound owes you money Greyhound owes you money They just have to use that as a commercial They just have to own who they are And roll with it They know They don't even have an intercom in the Greyhound One time One time I went to the Atlanta Greyhound, which is the scariest place on earth.

1:00:27I literally cannot imagine.

1:00:29Brian Redban:The entire city of Atlanta scares me. It seems like the Greyhound station would be too much. And it's right outside of the strip club. So the board is terrifying. And I walked up to a lady. I said, when is the bus to Charlotte? Right? I looked at her. And she was looking at me. And she went, the bus to Charlotte leaves in 32 minutes. What did you say? I was like, don't yell at me. I'd rather be on Frontier. Nigga, I hate Frontier. You know Atlanta Greyhound Station is dangerous when Dedrick is the safest person there. Everyone else looks exactly like John Dees does right now. Oh, you took it down.

1:01:11Brian Redban:You had your fucking ski mask. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You have it all figured out, John, at a comedy show. He's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go. There it is, everybody. You know why he got it right? Doesn't work it. The joke doesn't work. Because we told him that if the power went out, we was going to start looting. Oh, yeah. Because we got to make our Kill Tony money somewhere. Like, I don't steal, but I loot. You know what I'm saying? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Group synergy is different. Yeah. Is the Greyhound in Atlanta right by Magic City?

1:01:45Yes, it is. I've been to that Greyhound.

1:01:47Brian Redban:Wow. You know exactly where the Greyhound stations are. Yeah, yeah. I was just there. Wow. At the Greyhound? At the fucking Greyhound. You know you got money. You don't have to be there. My father-in-law doesn't.

1:02:07Fucked up. He called you, come get me now. And Magic City has the best wings in town. Yes, they do. The lemon pepper. Shout out to Magic. Shout out to Magic City, Atlanta, Georgia. Oh, my God.

1:02:21Brian Redban:Dedrick, your set was absolutely fucking incredible. Very good. Very fucking good. Can I tell you, just like, there's such an energy. It's almost like watching good ice skaters. Like, when you came up, you kind of owned it. Well, it's like, you know, when you watch ice skating, It's not enjoyable at all ever, you mean? Hey, Bert, what's an ice skater? You're the opposite of ice skaters in that we've all enjoyed it before.

1:02:50Why are you watching ice skating? How do you enjoy that? No, but it's like when you see someone come out confident, you're like, oh, this is going to be, okay, I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked into music and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comic. You have it, man. Yep. A rising star, ladies and gentlemen. Also, a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign of a black guy that you're doing it right. Come on. Yep. Come on, man. Thank you so much.

1:03:20Brian Redban:That guy rode the greyhound here, the actual pig dog, everybody. He rode the actual dog with his cowboy. We better gonna get here. One more time for the great Dedrick Flynn. Wow. Seems like a comedy show again. Completely cleansed the room of Sharon Ruth Hensley's nasty, nasty attitude. Tony. last time i was on you talked about your penis in a comedic way all right your next bucket pull goes by the name of zach townsend everybody here we go

1:04:04how's it going uh i'm 35 years old i used to want kids real bad i used to want guns real bad too now i don't know if i want either one you know i kind of see them as the same thing you know They're both dangerous. And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? And I'm like, no. No, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No, yuck. Get my fingerprints off it. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too because all the worst people I know hold theirs sideways. It's either like, give me your fucking money or like baby hanging off the hip at Walmart.

1:04:39Some white woman in Cookie Monster pajama bottoms even though the sun is still up. Come on, you guys have been to Houston before. You know what I'm talking about. The tears are going this way. I feel like guns are a lot like kids, too, because whenever I see one out on the street, I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now? You know?

1:04:59I don't know about you guys, but whenever I'm on Facebook, I see a new article of a female teacher banging their younger male students. We got to pay these teachers more money, right? So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age. because it's super easy to wine and dine a 15-year-old. You just fucking say 6 '7 while you juggle their balls a little bit. All right, I'm Zach. Thank you, guys. Wow.

1:05:22Brian Redban:Wow. Zach motherfucking Townsend. Amazing, Zach. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Fuck yeah. Where at? I live in Nashville, Tennessee. Awesome. We love Nashville. Thank you. What got you down to Austin this week? A man by Burt Kreischer, actually. I was opening for him at the Moody Theater on Thursday and Friday. Amazing. He crushed. I love it. I was like, man, you better do fucking good. Love that. You crushed, man. I think you're fucking hysterical. Thank you. I think you're so talented. That's absolutely incredible. I had no idea that you had anybody here, that anybody even signed up.

1:06:05Brian Redban:We got fucking lucky there. Yeah, I was supposed to go home last night, but then the fucking ice is crazy, and the weather's bad too. Awesome. Yeah. See, that's the best version of that joke. Look at that. That's incredible. Yeah, and then, so I stayed. Amazing. Zach, so have you lived in Nashville your whole life? No, I'm from Connecticut originally. Okay. And I started comedy in Tampa. Shout out to Tampa. Hell yeah. Yeah. I love that. He's sober right now. He's not drinking because he's getting married. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Nice. Yeah. Well, I'm also sober for my career, too. How long have you been sober for?

1:06:45Since December 29th. December 29th.

1:06:48Brian Redban:Let me ask you this. Not that I'm counting or anything, you know. Let me ask you this, because game recognized game. What exactly did you do on December 29th for your going away last hurrah? How hard did we go? Tell two lies in the truth. and we gotta guess which one okay what happened on december 29th okay two lives in the truth i went out to a bar with my friends i went out to a bar with my friends or i got blacked out on wine and had my coke dealer come over there and accidentally did ketamine i i'm guessing no i'm guessing all three are the truth here actually kind of goes yeah take us through it So you got drunk on wine?

1:07:38Yeah, it was supposed to be just a chill night. Like, my friend just had a baby, and they came over. The baby came over, too? The baby was over, too. There's, like, a picture of me, like, drunk, hanging. And I was like, oh, they're never going to hold this thing.

1:07:47Brian Redban:You're holding the baby sideways? Yeah, I was like, give it to me. You know, fucking disgusting. I'm going to make this a joke. Yeah. Hey, can I blow on his stomach? That's a little low, Zach.

1:08:01Someone bring me a gun. Let's do this. Yeah, I was holding it sideways and shit. It was awful. I've always wanted to try this.

1:08:09Brian Redban:Amazing. So then you had a little Pulp Fiction moment. You thought you were doing cocaine, but it turned out to be ketamine. Ketamine, yeah. Well, I think one of my buddies told me it was ketamine, and I just was, whatever. It's on my nose. Who cares anymore at this point, you know? How did that make you feel? I don't know much about ketamine, but from what I do know, it seems like being extremely drunk off of only wine would mix very oddly with that. Yeah, I don't remember much, if I'm being completely honest, like how it made there is like video i went outside to get cigarettes from my car and busted my ass trying to get back in and there's like video on the rig camera from my fiance being like hey you fucking you want to see this and i was like no i'm good actually i don't i don't want to really i woke up my hand is all fucked up i was like ah fuck can you please grab that video and post it yeah i felt i felt drunk after i felt drunk into a potted plant and hit my head and knocked myself unconscious, and it got 5 million views.

1:09:09Brian Redban:Amazing. So, Zach, you make all your money doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, yeah, I do stand-up and sketch comedy, too. I love it. What does the future wife do? She's a private... I don't know if I... She works for the government. Okay. Yeah. Perfect. They're doing a lot of good things. Yeah. Yeah, she makes all the decisions in my household, yeah. Is she in charge of wrangling or anything like that? Yeah, you should see our crawl space. It's actually quite packed right now. Zach, you are so funny. Where can people find your stuff? On Instagram, at Zach Townsend, underscore, and on Paid Vacation Comedy on YouTube, yeah.

1:09:53We did a sketch. Actually, we did a sketch about Kill Tony. I don't know if you saw it. Was it the video game? Oh, my God. That was me. That was so awesome. You guys are awesome. We loved that.

1:10:03Brian Redban:We loved that so much. Literally, like, our favorite thing. We sent it to each other and everything and all around. Absolutely hilarious work. I think you guys should make the video game, too. I mean, I think you guys are leaving some money on the table. Everybody's hitting me up about it. They're like, it should be a real thing. I absolutely agree. We've talked about it before. Could totally be down the line. How long are you in town for now? I leave tomorrow. Yeah, I got shows this week, so I got to try to get back. If I can get back home tomorrow, I've got to try to get back home. Amazing. Well, how about you come back next time we do the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville and do a spot on there?

1:10:41Brian Redban:I would absolutely love to do that. I would love to do that, yeah. Follow this man at Zach Townsend and repost the video game sketch and tag us in it, and we'll repost it. It's so funny. Thank you guys so much. Appreciate it. One more time for Zach Townsend, everybody. That's crazy, you just picked him out Hell yeah, great stuff man Alright, we're having fun now Look at this, cooking on the back half of this episode Starting with that horrible monster of a lady Oh my god, it's incredible And who could forget Big Vinny Greg Bergman's fake cock Eleazar deciding to do a brand new untested minute In front of 5 million people Sharon Ruth Hensley and then the tables turn let's see if we can keep the momentum as the bucket has decided that up next comes Angel Diaz everybody hell yeah

1:11:41yo fuck yeah yo give it up for myself one time hell yeah fuck I actually have a real life question is anyone in here subletting a room? Fuck me, bruh. Goddamn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right. Well, it's because I have to move out of my apartment like really bad. Like, all right. This is a text message thread between like me and my landlord. I had to write it down. All right. This is what I said. I said, Mr. Landlord. No, I said, Mr. Landlord man um can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m and 1 p.m to fix the ac unit um and this is what he said he said you short little mexican man no i'm kidding i'm kidding he didn't say that he said i am doing a live stream set on the radio please oh fuck please tune in online and i will come around for.

1:12:47You won't believe who the fuck is a DJ. You know what? Yeah, yo, give it up for me. I just did good. Fuck.

1:12:56Brian Redban:Angel Diaz. Yeah. Oh, the old butt slap of Angel Diaz. Fuck yeah. He opened and closed with a little ass slap. I love it. I like it. Yeah. Bringing the right energy. Fuck yeah. You guys got swagger and confidence and stage presence unlike like almost anyone that's been up here tonight. I'm a good guy. I don't know. What else the fuck do I say? What else? Wow. Look at you, Angel. How old are you? I just turned 26 last week. Yo, give it up for 26. Okay. They don't have to give it up for everything. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, Angel. This is like if Rage Against the Machine was a homeless guy.

1:13:39Brian Redban:Yeah. I feel like he's going to make noise for every question and I ask, hey, give it up for working at a vape store. What do you do for work, Angel? Yo, I have no job whatsoever. No. No. Yeah, I have no job. How do you survive, Angel? Take us through a day in the life. So, all right, so I've been going out of state to go steal shit. Oh, this is amazing. Yeah. Give it up for stealing shit. Okay, there you go. He's got many questions. Give it up for him being so thoughtful to at least go out of state. Yeah. There's a third butt slap. Sell it while you're still in the other state. You don't want to cross state lines.

1:14:21Just a little advice. What did you just say?

1:14:23Brian Redban:Perfect. Nailed it. Angel, so do you really make money stealing shit? Well, not really, but kind of. Well, if I steal anything, like, it's for myself. But, like, if you need bounty, I mean, I don't know. That's, like, the type of shit I'm stealing, you know? Like paper towels? Yeah, it's bad now. Can you give us an example of some time that you've stolen something? Well, allegedly...

1:14:51Oh,

1:14:56Brian Redban:you are a natural angel, Diaz. I might bring you back just for interviews. What I like is he said bounty, which is a way of saying amount of money for something, but he actually meant paper towel. Yeah, exactly. He's definitely going to California to do this, right? What was that? The California? Yo, I don't know what this guy is telling me. I'm sorry. I can't hear him too well. You're okay. Give it up for California. Angel, so take us through it. Allegedly. All right, so yeah, I'll pick up maybe three things. Yo, am I going to go to jail for this? No, no way. You are protected. This is a comedy show, and everything is a joke.

1:15:39Brian Redban:Yeah, but like... Nothing leaves this room today. Yeah. But like, what if they catch me on camera? You know what I'm trying to say? Like, yo, this is you, and like, this is you talking about it on the show. I got good news for you, Angel. I got good news for you. Everybody that's ever stolen anything looks exactly like you. So there's no way you can get in trouble for this. Keep going, Angel. Tell us about the amazing work of the bounty hunter, Angel Diaz. um now yeah so i'll just walk in and then like um like i'll just like i'll walk out with like a whole bunch of bounty and then like i'll sell it to like the first person who needs bounty in their house you know like uh is anyone subletting a room hold on angel seriously though have you really stolen bounty paper towels well it's between bounty and spray paint and so like uh i can't honestly i really can't talk about it too much because like right now i have like an open case.

1:16:38Wait, Angel, absolutely stop talking about it. We thought you were talking about it allegedly. Yo, well, let's just talk. By the way, I would just argue that if you talk to the judge, I think she's going to let you go. I don't know. Can I just walk off now? No, no, no. You are like a fucking goldmine. Yeah, we might keep you here all night. We're like porn directors and an 18-year-old girl just showed up and goes, I don't know my dad. We're like, all right. This is incredible.

1:17:12Brian Redban:Angel Diaz. So what exactly, you can talk about this. What exactly is the open case for right now? Well, honestly, it's for graffiti because I got caught. So pretty much it's like this. It's like, well, allegedly they saw me. He's got two catchphrases, a butt slap and allegedly. Yo, I'm gonna do the butt slap on my way out and it better be funny. I don't know but um So yeah pretty much they call me like on camera like the NYPD they call me on camera Pushing like an old graffiti writer and they were like yo This is you and then like this is you pushing the old man and like I couldn't deny I believe no I don't know that picture seems a little blurry So like I don't that's pretty much what I've been up to yo, so how you so how yeah, what's your name?

1:17:59No, I don't know. I'm sorry. So, Angel. Don't ever change. I don't know. I'm sorry. Yeah. Don't be walking off. You're perfect. Put him in a jar. Let's keep him. I know. I want to hire him. Like it's a bug. I want to hire him to just wake up every morning on the tour bus and go, we need bounty and spray paint. Angel?

1:18:17Brian Redban:I love Rick's idea. Put him in a mason jar and just show him off. It's like a lightning bug. If you shake him a little bit, he slaps his butt. Look. Angel Diaz. Give it up for air holes.

1:18:38Yo, can I have that water? Is there any chance you guys can crack that water? Oh, yes, please. Have a delicious water.

1:18:45Brian Redban:Angel Diaz, what is your living... Wow. Oh, my goodness. See, you wouldn't have gotten wet if we had an amazing job. I wish I had a bounty right now. I'm a little wet. Angel. Angel, what is your living situation in Austin, Texas right now? Do you live here now? Well, like, well, not really. Allegedly. Like, well, I kind of stay with my sister when she, and she just had a baby, so I can't really stay there. Is anyone subletting a room? I'm sorry. I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop saying that. I'm sorry. But seriously, you live with your sister? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She lives in Austin? Yeah, North Austin.

1:19:26Brian Redban:How long have you been in Austin? Like, um, Wednesday since last Wednesday? Where did you come from? New York City. New York. How did you get here? Um, I took a plane, bro. Like, what the hell? Well, no, there's been a lot of talk of Greyhound buses tonight. And if anybody that I know from this episode belongs on a Greyhound bus, buddy, it's you. So. By the way, the judgment he showed towards the other Kill Tony guy for being on the Greyhound bus just now. Yeah. So fucked up. Tony, who the fuck do you think I am, man? I took a fucking spirit flight, dude. Yo, I literally took a spirit flight. No.

1:20:07Brian Redban:Do you remember your boarding position by any chance? Yo, I was D26. Oh, my God. That's pretty much last, right? I can't imagine what the guy behind you looked like.

1:20:22Okay. Has anybody seen my pants?

1:20:29Brian Redban:Dude, the guy behind me stole my wallet with his feet. All right. Do you date? Yeah, yeah. Yo, wait. Can I shout my girlfriend out? Nope. Yeah, sure. Can I? Someone bleep it out. Yo, shout out Johanna Vaughn. Okay. I'm sorry. I should have never said that. There you go. She is now under arrest. Deep Madness is actually going to bang her right now. You are fucking slow. Okay, so Angel, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? All right, so I met her at a park. And, yo, but it was crazy the way I did meet her, though. So I saw her smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes, and then I was like, um... So I went to the store.

1:21:10Are you okay? We're watching a legend. Was she sitting in the park, and you walked up and said, yo, I'm the quicker picker-upper.

1:21:26Brian Redban:Fuck yes. Watch Free Bird out now on Netflix. I fucking love this kid. I know. Me too. How much do you cost? We're not selling him today. I'll fucking pay for this kid just to be around me all the time. Yeah. Boom. Everybody loves it. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm serious. I'm going to stop. I love it.

1:21:55Bert, I can't wait to see the kind of trouble you get in when you purchase him right up.

1:22:00Brian Redban:For$2 ,100. I bet I could get him for$35 ,000. More like$4 ,000? No doubt. He's a tough negotiator, Bert. He is Angel Diaz. $25 ,000. Keep your$31, Bert. A master negotiator. 35 grand. I'll do it for four.

1:22:28Brian Redban:Is anybody leasing a room? Angel Diaz will sleep in the gas tank of your tour bus, bird. Hey, yo, just give me a... I don't even need the money. Just give me a can of spray paint and paper towels, dude. I'll fucking do art. I'll fucking deck out your boss, Bert. Okay, Angel. So let's talk about it. What jobs have you had before? I can't imagine you really holding down anything at all. So I used to work at a halal, at a halal shop. Uh-huh. And then I worked at a... Yo, is anyone going to pick that glass up? Like, what is going on? He's like a fucking goldfish. Unbelievable. it's like anything that happens around him he's like funky yo i better hope no one's barefoot you know jesus christ you know he better hope he better hope better hold on i'm waiting for this hope is it coming they they better not hope but he better hope that was obama's initial pitch better hope Angel, you are so naturally funny.

1:23:41Brian Redban:How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for like two years now. Yo, actually, yo, if I had my phone, yo, last time I came to Austin, they were like, yo, never do comedy in Austin. We fucking hate your guts. Who said that? Yo, I can't even, I don't know. I don't want to blow them up. All right. I don't want to. Are you serious?

1:24:17There's something so magical about laughing at someone and not with them.

1:24:22Brian Redban:Now I tell you, come on. It's a different, it hits different. His reactions to normal everyday things are unbelievably funny. It's like crowd work I've never seen before. Are you serious is crazy. Are you serious? You better hope nobody's barefoot is insane. Like, these are things... I mean, Rick is a crowd work god, but I'm not quite sure I've seen anything. Oh, he's DXing the audience, Rick. I mean, as a crowd work Sith Lord, you must admit... I'll say this. I don't think most people should be allowed to do crowd work. But I also think we all have to hope that no one is barefoot out there. And to hear it said, I went, Yeah, that makes sense.

1:25:07This guy's a master.

1:25:11Crushing water. I mean, this dude is doing it. Even the way he hydrates is next level. Yeah, he hydrates like he's

1:25:18Brian Redban:very thirsty. I am very thirsty right now. I actually do want to walk off. Why do you want to walk off, Angel? I don't know. I just want to go home. But why? What are you going to do when you get home? What are you looking forward to? Actually, I got to watch the second half of Oppenheimer. so like I'm excited about that. Oh my God. I would pay money to watch Oppenheimer with him. I can't even fucking imagine. Yo, they just split the atom, man. For real, man. I hope nobody was barefoot in there, dude.

1:25:58That's radioactive shit.

1:26:03do you imagine going home and his sister and the baby sitting there while he watches oppenheimer can you walk me through what you've seen in oppenheimer so far um yo so i saw the uh yo so i saw the part where they were like um oh so they were recruiting a whole bunch of guys and then they were like uh yo maybe you're the one who can like help us really like build this shit and they were like, yo, so who are we fighting against? And they were like, yo, the Nazis. And they were like, alright, bet. Let's just go fight it. Let's just go fight it. Alright, bet. So, I think maybe a movie review podcast.

1:26:36Brian Redban:Yes. Oh my god. What's a movie that you finished recently, Angel Diaz? Oh, fuck. What's your favorite movie? Oh, okay. Alright, my favorite movie is the Talahaga Nights. Oh. The world famous Talahaga Nights, everybody. You know it. You love it. Everybody's seen Oh, yeah. With old Larry Bobby. Yeah, that's the one. That's it. You could not write this if you tried. Just give up. It is pure. This is absolutely incredible. Can you give us a... A little synopsis? Yeah, a little synopsis of Talahoga Nights. Okay. So pretty much it starts off with, like, a guy that, like, he's like a race driver guy, and then, like, fucking towards the end he gets his bitch took.

1:27:29Yep. And then he has to kind of like stunt on her like yo I just came in number one and then like the guy but the guy is like his best friend that took his bitch. Keep that in mind. So he's like Keep that in mind is the name of the podcast. That's coming back. Keep that in mind.

1:27:49Brian Redban:Wow. That's so good. I'm gonna... This interview has gone on too long, but I'm gonna ask, what's one more movie that you've seen? Like, what's a serious movie? Not a comedy. I want something serious. You ever seen Forrest Gump? How would you explain Forrest Gump? So in Forrest Gump, I started off... No, I'm kidding. I was trying to be Forrest, but now, all right, that was bad. I'm actually gonna walk off. Now, I've seen... Yeah, I've seen Forrest Gump. That was the question, right? what do you remember about forrest gump um that he was kind of a little stupid and then but but yo but somehow he was there for everything you know i'm trying to say like like i don't know like like it was just like yo let's just have like this dumb guy as like a fly in the wall you know like that's pretty much the movie interesting concept he's back do you know how that movie was sold how the pitch this is a movie about a lucky retard Wow.

1:28:48Swear to God. So they said in the room, and the guy goes, I'm in. I love it. Yeah. Amazing. That makes sense.

1:28:55Brian Redban:Angel Diaz, I hate to do this. I've been doing this so often lately, and it's a real fucking problem. The internet's going to hate me for this, I think. Red Band's furious. He's already groaning over here. But Angel, you are absolutely priceless, and you are indeed the newest Golden Ticket winner here on Piltoni. There you go.

1:29:28Brian Redban:There's the butt slap. Come back again. The whole world needs to see you again.

1:29:37Brian Redban:You're about as welcome as it gets in Austin, Texas, by the way, Angel Diaz. holy shit my god he was real deal real deal there's gonna be shit missing from now on around here Tony right before he walked off he goes right before he walked off he goes yo can I throw this water in the crowd and I went no he is real trouble every once in a while you need a little add a little fucking pepper to the mix a little Diablo sauce if you will Angel Diaz is the newest winner of... I'm getting word. The mothership is out of paper towels. Wait a minute. Wow. He somehow turned him into PCP in the back. All right.

1:30:28Brian Redban:Well, what a... His sister's going to have a fun day when this comes out. Oh, God. Hey, yo, so check it out. Like, I have a reason to stay now. I'm going to leave my bitch in New York and the court... I'm just not going to show up to court. I got a whole thing going on now. Court's not happening. Court's not happening. He's going to avoid that case in New York City. All right, your next bucket poll. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Andrew Lowe, everybody. Andrew Lowe.

1:31:08Yo, yo, yo, what's going on, y 'all? How's it going tonight? Yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y 'all, that I look like Hyde from that 70s show. And, yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that, but, yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist, you know what I mean, guys? You know, because there's nothing worse than that, right, guys? Right? No, I'm just kidding. He did do a couple rapes, though. He did do a couple rapes, so... I just like to think that the guy that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while.

1:31:45Like, I love that 70s show. What's he been in? And I was like, I don't know. You're probably not going to see him in anything, actually. You're probably going to fucking see him in jail. You'll see him there. But, yeah, yeah, so don't really fuck with that. But you know what I do fuck with, though? I actually have a question, guys. I have a question for the audience. Um, be honest. Does anybody out here use the Coinstar? Has anybody used the Coinstar before? Make some noise. Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke-ass bitches. Um, I'm not talking shit, though, because I'm a broke-ass bitch. Obviously, I'm a comic, right?

1:32:15But if you haven't used the Coinstar, if you don't know what it is, it's this fun little machine you'll find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you just bring all your saved-up coins, and you just fuck up.

1:32:28Brian Redban:Andrew Lowe, everybody. Are you trying to get through it? Were you getting that towards the end there? Close. Close-ish. No, it's good, though. Okay. All right. Okay, Andrew. Well, maybe it's just that Angel DM. Can we get Angel back out? Yeah. I did request that Angel, perhaps he might be back at any point. What if we had Angel do the same material and see if... Do you have your material written down somewhere by any chance? Do I have material written down? Yeah. No, I got it. Okay. Here's what we're going to do. we're going to have, just like he did with movie reviews, we're going to bring Angel back and we're going to have him watch your set and then he's going to give a synopsis of what you talked about.

1:33:11Brian Redban:Is there any chance we have Angel back there? Is Angel still here? I think Angel left. He went home. We're getting word he's already finished Oppenheimer. Gotta guess the end of it. Ice agents have taken him and decided to release him. The ice agents love Angel Diaz. He might actually be the one that could solve all of America's problems right now.

1:33:37Brian Redban:Is Angel here? He wasn't able to get him? Okay, we have him? All right. He might already be in a fight in the alleyway right now, everybody. This is incredible. Andrew, how long have you been doing comedy? Probably like three or four years, give or take. Three or four years. One thing I liked was you said, I don't know if you guys have seen the news, and then you told a joke about something that happened five years ago in the news. So that might not be the best intro into the Hyde raping. I mean, it was on the news recently, to be fair. It was? Yeah, just the trial thing. That was why somebody brought it up to me.

1:34:19Brian Redban:Okay, I've gotten word, ladies and gentlemen, that they were able to retrieve Angel Diaz. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Angel Diaz. There he is, live in the flesh. A lot of people are saying, America's new favorite comic, one of the all-time greats, a superstar. Angel, here's what we're gonna do. I want you to stand back here between Michael Gonzalez and D-Madness. We're going to, I want you to watch Andrew Lowe's set. Give me some notes. And then I want you to give, like you did with the movies, I want you to give a synopsis of what he talked about. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Andrew Lowe, everybody.

1:34:59Brian Redban:Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. So let's get, actually, let's really be honest, though, because I didn't hear enough people make some noise, because I know, yeah, yeah. Has anybody used the fucking Coinstar? Make some noise. Thank you to my fellow broke bitches out there. All right? So if you haven't used the CoinStar, like I was saying, it's this fun little machine you find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you walk up with your saved up box of coins or whatever the fuck you keep it in, right? And you just walk up and you... And that's the thing. It's so fucking loud, it just lets everybody know in the general vicinity that, you know, you're not really doing so good right now.

1:35:40Right? Right? Because nobody's using the coin star. It's like, oh, I saved up some coins. I'm going to get myself something nice. And yeah, yeah. No, no, no. It's me high as hell in my Nike slides. Just like this needs to be$70 somehow. Or I'm totally shit out of luck. But it's not. It's like$40 minus three. Because there's a fee. And I'm like, are you kidding me? There's a fee? I'm down this bad and you're just going to fuck me some more out here? And it's like, well, yeah, because you're still going to take it like the good little coin slut that you are. Thanks, guys. It's my time. I appreciate it.

1:36:17Brian Redban:All right. Two sets from Andrew Lowe. Here's the synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel, step up to that mic. Let's say somebody hadn't seen what Andrew Lowe talked about. How would you describe it to them? Yo, pretty much this guy is broke as shit.

1:36:45So, uh, you said you were collecting coins and taking them to Walmart, nigga? Like, bro, you are broke. Like, you know, at this point, like, the only thing you're trying to find is, like, probably, you know, those old coins or something? I feel like that's, like, your lucky thing, you know? Should I fling? No, you know what? I just gave this guy a kiss. Here, you here. Thank you. Synopsis. I do take it to the Walmart. Sometimes H-E-B, it depends. There's a synopsis by Angel Diaz.

1:37:15Brian Redban:Angel, you know how to play any instruments? I just might make you like a band member full-time or something. You know how to do anything? You know how to play like a... Actually, I do. I know how to play the...

1:37:31Is it... Yo, I know how to play the double keyboard.

1:37:35Brian Redban:No, you're not going to replace one of these guys. You're gonna be an addition to the band. Wait, wait, wait. No one calls it the double keyboard. Only the double. I can play the double keyboard. Get your goddamn single keyboard the fuck out of here. I don't know how to play that. It's called piano. I can play the piano. The best was the look around, though. What do I play? Oh, of course, the most common instrument played by human beings. The double piano. Angel, you know what we're going to give you is another can of delicious water. Bird, hand him that can of water. There you go. Let's open it away from me this time.

1:38:21Brian Redban:You've earned it, Angel. Wow. Somehow, a completely uncarbonated can of water, by the way. No wonder he steals so much bounty. I'll say this, too. Angel has such a good presence that Andrew Lowe's set got better and better. Yeah. And we got to hear the whole Coinstar thing, and it made more sense. I'm like, oh, this is pretty fucking good. We'll never know how many people were laughing at the Coinstar material or how many people in the room were slowly picking up on that Angel literally has to lean in like that to be able to absorb. Is that also how you watch movies, Angel? Do you have to... Yes, I'm actually very blind.

1:38:58I have a 1320 vision. I don't know. I don't know what else. I'm sorry. I have no idea what else to talk about anymore. I don't know. At this point, I'm just lying to everybody. Perfect.

1:39:08Brian Redban:The fact that you've run out of material is absolutely perfect, Angel. I'm so glad I gave you a golden ticket. Amazing. It's going to be a real hoot nanny next time you're on. Tony, he can't miss. You found a full-bodied, retarded midget. Uh-oh. Look at him. Was anyone else shocked and showed up in the same clothes? Michael Jordan of something. There he is. Sound effects for days. Every time he does something, something happens. All right. Andrew Lowe, fun times. Just for the sake of your entire set being about, or everyone thinking about Angel Diaz while you were up here, here's a big joke book.

1:39:53Brian Redban:There's nothing that could... You had to be here for what happened before you. I think you got a golden ticket, Angel. It's a little better than a joke book. You want a joke book, too? Do you know what the golden ticket is? I'll give you a joke book. You got a joke book. I'll give you a joke book. There you go. That was for a second. Hold on to those things, Angel. Don't go selling them to someone in an alleyway, though. I can tell you're a real hustler, dude. I don't know how you survive. Can I get those cigarette butts real quick, Tony? Is that, uh... Make some noise one more time for Angel Diaz and Andrew Lowe, everybody.

1:40:32Brian Redban:There they go. Where's one more buts left? There goes Angel.

1:40:45Brian Redban:All right. This has been a long episode, so this will be your final bucket poll of the night, and he goes by the name of Spencer Boone, everybody. Here comes Spencer. Ooh la la, Spencer Boone.

1:41:02I like hot dogs. And my mom has a tramp stamp. You can forgive your mom for getting a tramp stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 in her third divorce.

1:41:18I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation.

1:41:31A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days. I don't like it. It's weird. It's weird and it's gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears and I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands and they're nailing tentacles. I'm a hypocrite though. I grew up loving the Goofy movie.

1:42:01It's a great movie. I like hot dogs. I like hot dogs. All right, I'm Spencer Boone. Thank you so much.

1:42:10Brian Redban:Ah, Spencer Boone. Very funny. Welcome, Spencer. Thank you. Hey, how's it going? He's got a great intro. I like hot dogs. Fits the face perfectly. Thanks. And the body. And the body. No doubt about it. Spencer, how long have you been on stand-up? A little over six years now. Six years. Where at? Last three here, but I started in Virginia. Nice. What do you do for work? I work at a rock and roll and horror movie shop. Oh, sweet. Yeah. That's here? Yeah, there's one right here on 6th Street. Right down there? Yeah, across from Vulcan. Yeah, I still have not been there. I need to go in there. Yeah, we got a bigger one in South Lamar.

1:42:49It's pretty sick. I love it.

1:42:50Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Yeah. I love that. You must get interesting people coming in there. Anything crazy ever happen there? um man a lot of dudes with autism coming in yeah i'll be honest well yep yeah we also sell like toys and figures so it's like ninja turtles and like you know wrestling figures and stuff like that and you meet the you meet all sorts yeah that's awesome there's always a guy walking in like i like turtles and i'm like yeah i got you yeah hell yeah how long have you worked there uh i started working there into 2023 okay yeah i like it hell yeah that's so fucking out of all the dudes who come in and ask or say they like turtles how many of them would you say are virgins oh god sadly it's usually dudes with families it's not a lot of virgins yeah it's like dudes coming with their kids are like we all like turtles i'm like hell yeah it's a family affair passing that shit on yeah collecting shit they don't need you know that's awesome so do you have to know about all that shit to work there to a degree it helps to like know about movies and music because we have bands ranging from classic rock through like death metal so it's like it's also a merch store so the more familiarized you are the easier it is okay fuck yeah um what do you do for fun spencer uh go to a lot of rock concerts uh concerts of any sort just live music in general i love yeah what are your bands favorite band yeah oh as far as like which genre because that's kind of hard really anything what's your favorite live shows I'd say.

1:44:18The Acacia Stream. Wow, they're here.

1:44:21Brian Redban:They're here in the audience, ladies and gentlemen. It's my favorite metal band, but I mean, last year I saw Wu-Tang and that was awesome. Okay. Yeah, Wu-Tang, Run the Jewels. Wow, the people from Albuquerque love Wu-Tang. It's incredible. Run the Jewels is the shit life. Yeah, they are. They were awesome. That was right there at Moody Center. It was sick. Two rappers at once. Turns out it's like twice as entertaining as one rapper. Yeah, and then Wu-Tang's like seven dudes and you're like, fuck yeah. Absolutely. I know when I'm surrounded by seven dudes, I get fucking... You love it. Sharon Ruth Hensley would call hard as a rock.

1:44:57Brian Redban:Okay, so Spencer Boone. You in love? No. Okay. Briefly dated a girl over the holidays, and that ended, but... How did that end? I just wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. You ended it. It was mutual. Neither of us were kind of really looking for a relationship. At least I wasn't really, and I kind of fell into it. Right. When you say you fell into it, what exactly does that mean? I work at a horror movie metal shop. Ah, yes. You know, you meet a lot of goth girls. Oh. Okay, hell yeah. Oh, Red Band, what are you... He's moaning, he's doing his grout. For those of you that don't, if you're wondering what we're talking about, Red Band does a thing when he wants to talk but doesn't have anything to say where he just goes...

1:45:38Brian Redban:We all hear it up here, but the mic's not near him, so you don't know that he's doing it. Like he has a thought about something. Okie dokie. Goth girl is horrible hygiene, usually, right? Not in my experience. I don't know what goth girls you've been with. Yeah, we're some real dirt balls. Ooh, run through some goth girl stereotypes. Condoms? Not typically. No. They want to die, Bert. Why would they use condoms? But I don't get with just goth girls. It's been a lot of Latinas since I've been in Texas. Ooh, Latinas. What do you notice is the difference between Latinas and goth girls? They're worse when blended together.

1:46:16Oh, there's a big Latina goth movement. Yeah, they take it too seriously. You don't want to fuck Morrissey fans. No. That is the most fascinating thing in culture. The Mexican community attaching itself to Morrissey is, like, mind-blowing. I'm hoping that'll happen to me somehow, that, like, I'll show up and it'll just be paralyzed people. And I'll be like, what did I do to get just people in wheelchairs? It is incredible. It's the shirt. Have you ever thought about performing shirtless? No. Do you want to try it today? That's never crossed my mind once. It works. For you, maybe. Bert, no one can do that now.

1:46:56If anyone does it, they just say they're ripping you. Well, you'd be shocked. Yeah. A lot of shirtless comedians these days. I swear to God. There are? Fuck yes. Well, I'm sure you find out about it. This is how I felt when everyone started releasing crowd work clips.

1:47:14Brian Redban:Angel Diaz is going to be releasing a couple. Hell yeah. We love Angel Diaz. There's one lady literally having an orgasm over there. Okay. Can I give one piece of constructive criticism to the comic to another comic? All the jokes you're telling, when you get better at comedy, will be better. Just keep writing, and then revisit these when you're better at comedy. Because the idea of your mom getting a tramp stamp and you shouldn't be able to drive away from that. It's funny. You just haven't figured out the right. They're also shorting for the minute. These are longer bits I do. Yeah. Ooh la la.

1:47:48More details and things. Ooh la la. I don't typically do just a minute.

1:47:52Brian Redban:How does the tramp stamp joke go, if you don't mind me asking, a longer version? Can we hear the unedited, unplugged Spencer Boone mom tramp stamp? Her tramp stamp matches her PT Cruiser she had. Oh, I love that. Yeah, it was a purple and blue butterfly with the word crazy beneath it. Oh, are you fucking serious? Is that real? That's real. And she had that on her PT Cruiser also? No, but she had a purple PT Cruiser with blue flames on it. And the license plate said crazy. Wow. I think you picked the wrong part of the joke to tell. Why wouldn't you bring your mom? Yeah. It feels like this should be a comedy duo.

1:48:30I bet mom crushes. Yeah.

1:48:32Brian Redban:Not quite. Is mom a funny lady? Not really, no. Where's she at? Is she in Virginia still? She's in Virginia, yeah. So, like, your home in Virginia, is that a very small population? Yeah. I'm from Orange County, Virginia. It's very small. Tell us about it. It's a farm county. I mean, I think the whole county has, like, 35 ,000 people. Are you anywhere near the, what's that one family called? The famous? Oh, the Trumps. No. I think that's West Virginia. The wonderful whites? Yeah. The Waltons? The whites? The wonderful whites? I don't know. I don't think so. We're in Virginia. I think that's more West Virginia.

1:49:09Brian Redban:That makes sense. I'm in the Shenandoah Valley area. $35 ,000. What did you do for work when you were there? I used to work in a t-shirt factory. I used to make band merch. That was cool. Look at you. Spencer, you're a very funny guy. Congratulations. Great times. Here's a big joke book. Awesome. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. Appreciate it. Good job, buddy. He gave that to you? Okay. All right. We're getting word that Angel Diaz has brought his notes. How did you get those? In the bathroom? You ran into Angel Diaz in the bathroom and he gave you his notes. All right. Well, it actually does say, me, can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m.

1:50:04Brian Redban:and maybe 1 p.m. and fix the AC unit? and he said, I'm doing a live video. He read this. Oh, they're kicking you out. There you go. That's how it happens. That's the exact kind of foreigner we need to get out of this country, goddammit. That guy's just drunk enough to know that Angel did this joke. Or not know that Angel did that joke on stage. Was he British? But we should keep that. Hold on to that. We're going to put that in the Kill Tony Museum one day. It is incredible. His handwriting is very youthful. Incredibly, I don't know if you have a shot at that. Childlike wonder. You would think a graffiti artist has better handwriting, but no.

1:50:49Brian Redban:All right, everybody, here's the reality. William Montgomery is sick again, everyone. That's right. The most vaccinated person in the show's history somehow gets sick once a month. What are the odds? Ari Matty got snowed into Estonia, everyone. I know, the controversy is wild. But I do have one remaining special treat that you guys might like. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Here to close us out, make some noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

1:51:38Hey, what's up? Hey, cool. Cool. Hey. I'm sorry.

1:51:44Brian Redban:Hey, I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I use my baby pictures. And then I say swipe right if you want to see how it turned out. And, you know, they're like, oh, my God, what happened? Like, chill out, chill out. It's been 30 years, okay. Has anyone ever used a flashlight? I didn't know. you have to lube it, you know? Because I was doing it, and I was like, this hurts. Wow. I don't know if I'm going to come, but I might bleed, you know?

1:52:48Brian Redban:Martin Billups. As consistent as it gets. The most wobbly, rock-solid comedian in the world. You did it again. Amazing set. Rick, is this your first time seeing Martin? This is my first time. Fantastic. You know, mainly I would just say straighten up. Do what you got to do. I've been trying. I've been trying. Okay. You know what? Maybe do a little Coke or something. See if it can calm the nerves a little. You have the sweater of Bill Cosby and the movement of a lady that just got a drink from him.

1:53:32Brian Redban:What are you saying? It's like he's standing on ice right now. Without ice, I'm slipping. How is this weather treating you? How did you get here? I've been gone. I have shows in Florida, baby. Oh, hell yeah. He's calling you baby? I don't get hurt. I have shows in Florida, baby. He's like a 1940s gangster. shakes over here, see? Been doing, took over the city of Miami, baby.

1:54:08Brian Redban:I love it, Martin. Did you get that sweater over Christmas? It looks great. Well, thanks. I don't get to wear sweaters too often, so I'm really pumped to wear sweaters. Because you stretch the fuck out of them trying to put them on? No. That's what you do with your shirt.

1:54:38Well played, brother The nerve of the shirt off guy Putting a shirt on joke

1:54:49The nerve of a guy who I don't think can fight Okay Whoa

1:54:57Brian Redban:Put up your nukes, baby. You got a knuckle sandwich. You want to cause shenanigans? The worst Dick Tracy villain of all time.

1:55:14Brian Redban:Martin, tell us about Florida. How did it treat you? It was really nice. You can sit on it, but then you go there. You're like, I get it. I'd retire there too but then they have gated communities what are you protecting yourself from there's a very nice neighborhood where were you at in Florida I went down to two retirement communities of Naples, Florida and Boca Raton and Wesley Chapel and now it's like Tampa and no burn. Wow. Were you visiting retirement communities? Well, I'd say it's the old people typically live in Naples. If you're from Florida, the Florida people watch it all like, this guy gets it.

1:56:11Bert is our chief

1:56:12Brian Redban:Florida correspondent. Yeah, I grew up in Florida. I think he was just implying he did cities in those cities. Oh, you stand up in those cities. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you didn't know. There was a retard translation thing. Who's the retard? Wait, did I just catch a fucking shrapnel? You're getting a little bit lit up right now, Bert. Jesus Christ.

1:56:47I'm not going to buy this one. Free Bird is on Netflix.

1:56:54Brian Redban:Angel Diaz is watching it right now. We're going to hear a synopsis. That's going to be next week, Burt. We're going to get the Free Bird synopsis. So basically, there's like this fucking fat guy with a family. You're never going to believe it. He looks just like you. I want to hear Angel describe cerebral palsy to the rest of the world. Oh, man. So like basically God didn't like this fucking guy? Damn. Did you get to see Angel Diaz tonight? I saw the Antifera. I got the dress.

1:57:35Brian Redban:You kind of had to see the whole thing. He stops his butt sometimes. What? Oh, shit. Okay, okay, yeah. I take it out. Oh, my God. Martin, I love you so much. Great attitude. You're so fucking consistent. You're so powerful. Catch him everywhere. Catch him on the Killers of Kill Tony and his own tour. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Rick Ingram and Bert Kreischer, everybody? Rick has crowd pleaser. Go to the Comedy Store YouTube page and watch it immediately after this, please. And then, or before, or in any order, go to Netflix and watch Free Bird. These guys have unbelievable things out there right now.

1:58:24Brian Redban:This episode's been brought to you by Quo, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. Did you guys have a good time? Red Band? Check out the secret show every Thursday, SunsetStripATX.com. Love you guys. We are going back to Los Angeles where it all started in May to the Intuit Dome, the largest ever venue that we've ever done. Bigger than the O2 Arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden. To do a little show that started in front of 12 people. Two of those 12 were Laney and Jerry in the Comedy Store Belly Room, which all started with the first guest ever on the show. One more time for Rick Ingram. One more time for Bert Kreischer.

1:59:03Brian Redban:We love you guys. Thank you. Goodnight everybody

1:59:38We'll be right back.

2:00:08Thank you.

2:00:34xich prod

2:00:40Thank you.