#755 - DR. PHIL + GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAL VULCANO

21:24Come on. There it is. Red band. Oh, it's too good. Oh, it's too good. Come on, red band.

21:39Hold on. Hold on. What? So, I will say I'm fully clothed, that was naked. He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. Here he is. My real guess, though. Oh, my God. My real guess is, I weighed myself like six months ago. By the way, if a bucket pool gave this many excuses before getting on the scale. No, no, I may do it. I'm just going to say, I weigh about 239. Okay, all right. Don't do it, Red Band. You're wearing your heavy hat. 233, everybody. Here we go. ladies and gentlemen he's been here for every episode of the show sal read it off for me when it comes up it just says all right it says ouch okay we're uh do you want me to report that yes report it uh 251.4

22:40That's right, folks. He's wearing 17 pounds of clothing. It's getting cold outside. What do you mean? Sancho Pancho, get on that thing. Let's see what it says. All right. I'm going to take my shoes off, though. I'm going to take my shoes off.

23:00All right. 193. 193.

23:06Thank you. Now, what do you mean you weighed in today? What does that even mean? Oh, you're right. This thing is pretty heavy. Yeah, okay. I'm 165. 164.6, everybody. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe, everybody. Let's go.

23:26What is this? Kill Sancho Poncho? Give it up for me. Yeah, that's about 10 pounds. You're right. I'll give you 10 pounds. Maybe. Take yourself a joke book, Tony. Thank you. Thank you. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. And Sancho Poncho. Sancho Poncho. What size joke book did you get last time? I think you said, like, a small joke book is the same size as a big joke book. That's right. So you got a small one? Yes, sir. Well, today, you're getting a medium one. Let's go. Sancho Poncho Villa, everybody. There he goes. And the show is off and running. A red band. You weighed in at 2.33 today? No, 2.39 today.

24:122.39. Were you naked? Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. A lot of drinks coming tonight. You guys having fun out there? We got Dr. Phil, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Sal Volcano, everybody. And a shit ton of water. An absolutely shocking amount of water on the table. Can't have enough beverages. Oppity, oppity, oppity, oppity, oppity, oppity. Hey, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, let's be real for a second. When it comes to performance, good enough isn't exactly good enough. That's why Blue Chew just raised the bar. Introducing Blue Chew Gold, the revolutionary four-in-one upgrade that targets both your brain and your body.

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27:18Go to Shopify.com slash KillTony. That's Shopify.com slash KillTony. Shopify.com slash KillTony. That's Shopify.com slash KillTony. Absolutely. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Mario Zapata, everyone. Mario Zapata.

27:36How we doing, mother ship? Hell yeah. A lot of crazy stuff going on in Minneapolis. Why is everybody mad at all these sommeliers?

27:48They're whining a lot, but that's cool, whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested, that shit's crazy. Just goes to show you, when life gives you lemons, get legal aid. I don't know what he did, but whatever. Alright, buckle in, guys. What is the difference between a Jewish person...

28:12and an undercover cop. You may never know you were talking to a cop.

28:23Thank you. Alright, guys. I think the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are. You can see it everywhere. I saw a school that said, get your MS in business. And I'm like, who wants to run a board meeting with multiple sclerosis? Can you imagine standing in front of everybody going, this company is built on a solid foundation?

28:50All right, Mario Zapata. Is this your first time on the show? It is not. Oh, but it is not. Do you look different or something? Yes, I recently started shaving my head because I was looking like Angelica's Barbie doll. Okay. Dr. Phil, you see that's possible. You could do that at any point, Dr. Phil. Yeah, well, if I looked like I was about to shoot up an anthropology store, I'd also shave my head. Now, what I mean by that is you came in hot. For a minute there, I thought you were running for office because you just kept being like, there's too many Jews, you know? Yeah. And then you said, what was the last thing you said?

29:25I think the reason the word retarded is so offensive is because so many people are. Right. Okay, and how do you feel about that joke? Like, when you say it out loud to the silence, does it feel... I'm behind it, dude. I know a lot of retarded people. Sal, what do you think about this guy? Well, I like that you had topical stuff, so you're writing new stuff, and I like that you really went for jokes. You really did. Thank you. I will say, though, you know, I noticed that you told everybody to buckle up before one of the jokes. And then you really, I mean, it really didn't deliver. You know, so I would say just be mindful of that.

30:04Are you going to tell everyone to buckle up? because the inference was that you were going to blow their fucking balls off with this next joke. And then it was really just a real par type of joke. It's funny. I never saw anyone tell anyone buckle up for this next one. And then basically it was a very mellow, mellow joke after that. That was more for me. It was more for you. Is buckle up your catchphrase or did you just feel like coming out saying something sassy? It does feel sassy. I don't know. Maybe I could use it as a catchphrase. Yeah, buckle up, guy. Hey, buckle up. Yeah, let me just say something real quick.

30:38You said that he said to buckle up and that it felt... I'll agree to disagree, Sal, because I feel like the comedy set was a little turbulent. And when you're on a plane, they tell you to buckle up because things aren't going to go according to plan. No, buckle up, folks. Yeah, hell yeah. But you do have confidence, and that's important. I appreciate that. It was essentially, buckle up, everybody. Jewish people will let you know they're Jewish. Yeah, that's exactly what I was getting to next. You're good at spotting Jews? Is that what they... No, they usually tell me pretty quickly in a conversation.

31:09They tell you they're Jewish? Oh, yeah. Where are you talking to these Jews at, exactly? Wherever I go. Wherever you go. They're everywhere, right? I mean, like... Oh, that sounds bad. Okay. Starting to see why this guy shaved his head all the way. Good Lord. This fucking guy. Yeah, keep talking, guys. Why is this fucking chicken? All right. This is what I signed up for. Let's do it. Okay. I mean, people are everywhere, right? You'd run into different people everywhere. Wow, it doesn't get much more racist than that, everybody. But these people are everywhere. I can't go anywhere without seeing these fucking people.

31:46Yes, okay. How about this? Who's your favorite type of person? Okay, that's a total... Nice people. Direction-changing question you just did there, Dr. Phil. Let's stick with the Jews here for a second. I'm going to shift gears. Okay, okay. Let's not shift at all, doctor. Let me ask you this. You're seeing them everywhere, this and that. Is there anything you've noticed a way to spot Jews before they tell you that they're Jewish? No. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up for six years. I've been doing comedy for 12. I used to do musical comedy. Okay. You would sing?

32:24Yeah. You would write your own songs? And play guitar and stuff like that, yeah. You have any original songs? I do. Okay. What notes are they in? What chord is it? Most of them are in G because it's an open. Okay. You guys want to play an open G? Why don't you sing us something, Mario? Okay. They'll follow you. Here we are, me and my best friend. Out at the bar and we're hammered again. And we're talking about all the girls we bang. We both drink until we can't see Then my friend leans over and he says to me Hey, I love you, man You're my bro And I'm like, yeah, bro I love you too The part that's weird for me Is he's telling me this while he's rubbing on my knee My name is Mario And if you're having a bad time in the show so far Well, buckle up I'm dressed like I'm ready to go Work the late shift at Home Depot Buckle up Buckle up Buckle up, everybody.

33:53And if you're driving drunk through the Taco Bell, make sure to call your dad who's in hell and say, Dad, I'm going to get that same order you used to get.

34:12Copy for a teddy bear. Back to the house. All right. Yeah, Dr. Phil! Wow. Dr. Phil making Mario Zapata hilarious. You did on Pandora later today. Appreciate that, Phil. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Mario Zapata. So you did musical comedy, now you just do stand-up, pure stand-up. What do you do for work? I edit wedding videos, I make porn, and I run comedy shows. Wait, let's stop right there. When you say you make porn, what exactly do you do? Buckle up.

34:52Where was that personal stat before I fucking improvised a shitty song? I was trying to be discreet. Uh, yes. We talked about it last time. I make giant just porn with my wife. Oh, that's right. You have a big wife. A tall wife. Yes, a tall wife. Okay. Big difference. Big difference. Yeah, absolutely. You're not pulling a Sancho Pancho Villa out here. You're going for the tall girls. Yeah, I like to set the bar high. Very interesting. and that's been good for you. Fantastic. You guys are making good money. Good money, yeah. Have you ever thought about, you know, because those guys probably like the difference in height, right, between the two people.

35:31Have you ever thought about letting Sancho Pancho Villa join in? Because... I would charge him to be in the movie. That makes sense. Probably love it. Hell yeah. All right. Somebody's going to jerk off. Dr. Phil? Yeah, where do we... Is it all available online or is there a specific... Lookingupfilms. Something. It's on fucking... What is that? A.org or something like that? No, no, no. Okay, it's on... You sure it's not too... We sell it through Square. We sell it through Square, yeah. You don't know the website of you and your wife's porn? I copy and paste everything, dude. It's like... Wow. Yeah, yeah.

36:09Lookingupfilms.gov. Yeah. Look that up. All right. Who knows doing great things? Mario Zapata, our second extremely confident Latino in a row. You as well.

36:28Yeah, it was good, Mario. You know what? I'll give you a big joke. Did you get one last time? No. Okay, there you go. Boom. Good catch. It's a little off. A little sticky one. There he goes. Mario Zapata, everybody. That's perfect, Mario. That's okie dokie. Well, all right. There he is. 12 years of comedy experience. There he goes. Mario Zapata, everyone. All right. Our next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Robert Carroll. Here we go. Robert Carroll. Okay. This looks like a new face. Make some noise for Robert Carroll, everybody. Fucking A. Kill Tony. Wonderful. So, I'm on shrooms.

37:16I got a lead with that. Sorry. What are the odds? This is my second time I sign up. There's no way they're fucking picking me. I'm shrooming pretty hard. Give me a little benefit, okay? So I get stuck here for the ice. Stay in a goddamn hotel. Very nice hotel. But, you know, how many times can a 60-year-old man jerk off in one afternoon? 38. The answer's 38. 69 would have been funnier, but it's really 38. So the mushrooms thing, anybody do psilocybin? God damn it, Sprott. Oh, yeah, anybody shrooming tonight? Whoop, whoop. Well, I am. That was a bad idea. It's going to turn out fine, I'm sure. So I talk to all these young people, and I'm like, psilocybin's legal now.

38:03And they're like, oh, that's so cute. Are you microdosing? And I'm like, no, I don't know. What the fuck is a microdose? Is seven grams a microdose? Yes. I guess I'm microdosing. Anyway, I'm Robert Carroll. Thank y 'all. You gotta love a guy who 50 seconds in says it's gonna turn out just fine. Amazing. You're certainly dressed like you're on a bunch of mushrooms. This all checks out. Robert, grab that microphone. Let's talk about it, man. How long have you been doing comedy for? I lied. This is my absolute first time in front of a crowd and a microphone. There you go. Fucking A. Okay, perfect.

38:44I'm here, man. We got it. All right, great. And you're 60 years old. I'm 60 years old. What made you want to start comedy now? I went broke. What? I went broke. Okay, ladies, stop. Okay, relax. Did you hear the laugh that got? Not at all. Shut the fuck up. What is going on with the women in this room tonight? It is unbelievable. Midlife group. It's like some weird improv troupe. Kamala Loss, ladies. Shut the fuck up. God, what the fuck is going on? Oh, this fucking one's back now.

39:16Okay, Red Band, very good. Wow, can the ladies start heckling if Red Band's gonna jump in with his fucking comedy? I understood that. My God. Okay. Robert, what made you want to start here today? It's a long story, but going broke, in short, and just... How did you go broke? Let's talk about it. It's okay, you're on the show. Uh, decades of working as a builder for the commercial construction industry. Build, you got a little quiet there, Robert. You've really fizzled out. Years of working. No, well, that's why my short version is I just suddenly realized, fuck it, I'm going to be 60, and if I keep scraping, things will be eh.

39:59So fuck them. I just literally went nuts, my whole family. They've decided to keep me me, maybe. But like I said, I think it's going to work out. I think he thinks he's in a Bed Bath & Beyond right now. Is your talk, you got to talk, I couldn't understand. I wanted to follow that story. Well, it's a rambling bunch. I did lead with them on Mushroom. I really thought mathematically the likelihood of me being on today was not very good. But I do function at a reasonably good level. Mathematically, your odds are the same whether you're on or not on Mushrooms. If you take an overload of Mushrooms, that's when you wouldn't sign up.

40:34I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure that's true. I'm here, man. And my second try, and here I am. You got it. And you signed up last week as well. I did. I was here for the ice storm. What would you have talked about last week if you would have gotten pulled not on mushrooms? Were you on mushrooms last week? I was on mushrooms. So your whole plan was just to come out and go, I'm on mushrooms. I hope this goes OK. It has been working so far. Where? Where has it been working? Have you been doing other open mics? I mean, my bank accounts aren't looking very good, but everything else is pretty sweet.

41:06Well, how'd you afford that fucking scarf if you don't have any cash? Did you make that out of pubes and queefs? Everything's negotiable. What the fuck did that mean? I ain't trying to fucking haggle that from you. This is an impossible interview. That's a you purchase. Tell us a fun fact about your life, man. You're 60 years old, and all you've said so far is I'm on mushrooms. Okay, I'm 60 years old. I'm a commercial builder. I'm a grandfather of three wonderful grandkids. We had play day Saturday. I was not on mushrooms for that. Okay. I behaved when the kids were... How often are you doing mushrooms nowadays?

41:45Often as I can. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I have found that... Are you dealing with some type of trauma or something like that? Aren't we all? Yes, yeah. Like what? Can you give us something compelling about your life? You have 60 years to reference here. Well, I lost 80 pounds last year. Oh, well, that's... So February the 10th, thank you, thank you. And then somebody said, hey, you're kind of funny, and hey, you're kind of... So I've been... I was here because I was working on the show Meemaw with Roseanne Barr. I don't know if I'm... Anyway, I was here as a background actor. Okay. I got stuck. Joe Ellis is someone you know.

42:19Joe said, hey, you should do Kill Tony. Okay. I came with her. You didn't know if you were supposed to mention that you did background work on the show Meemaw? Who would want you to keep that to yourself? excellent point i'm you're trying to follow i know but i'm new i have one other question do you put on all the jewels after you take the mushrooms but this i actually i was wearing these things before i was doing the mushrooms but i do wear this pretty well all the time okay i mean i do not sleep is that strictly aesthetic or do any of those things have a certain special meaning it's probably ocd once you start wearing them then you're like oh fuck i don't have that on and I'm sure my left arm's gonna fall.

42:58When about in your life did you start doing a lot of mushrooms? Oh, well, I did a lot when I was in college back in the 80s. I'm talking about this new one. Recently, my son just graduated from college, and he's got a degree in engineering. Give me a ballpark here. Oh, a year ago. A year ago, perfect. Let me ask you this. When did you start wearing that type of jewelry exactly? What's around your neck, that type? Probably two years ago. Two years ago. It was a fading. Is that answer to the chicken? When did you become turquoise, Mr. T? Cool. Yeah, you've definitely got a Jeff Bridges, Jim Henson, about to get me too to the Wetzel's Pretzels type of vibe.

43:33Jeff Bridges and Jeff... Bridges. The other guy, yeah. All right, Robert, I've kept you up here way too long. Well, thank you for putting up with me. Goddamn, I snuck in and you didn't torture me. The crowd was great. I am going to do something. You're like, yeah. Write a set. Write jokes sometime and then you'll be back on and then we'll know something about you. I love that you're on mushrooms and now we all feel like we're on mushrooms. Yeah. Contagious. Dr. Phil's throwing him a magnum condom. There you go. He probably thinks it's a gummy worm. There he goes. There he goes. Robert Carroll, everybody.

44:14Wow. Amazing. Grandkids. There he goes. Hell yeah. There he goes. Show Joe Biden how to get out of here. is now dumber. He's tripping so hard. That guy's... These old people doing mass amounts of mushrooms out of nowhere. It's just insane. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere, and take control of your mental health. Talkspace makes it easy to start. Better mental health leads to better health overall. Just like your physical body needs exercise, your mental health needs maintenance and attention.

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45:31I can't recommend them enough because therapy has led, for me, some crazy moments of transformation. Yeah, I can tell. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-E-8-0 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. Hello there, my dear friends. It's me, your favorite human being. Very nice guy that cares about everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Tecovas because anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots.

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47:20Hell yeah. You guys remember when driving a Tesla made you a Nazi? I miss those days. I like being called a different type of N-word.

47:33Which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. That place is full of N-words. I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla Model Third Reich. That's where I drive now.

47:44See, this joke is only fun and silly if you can remember that the N-word means Nazi, right? So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking N-words coming down the sidewalk. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out, N-word lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate black people.

48:04But not as much as I hate those blonde-haired, blue-eyed N-words. Thank you. Okay, 50 seconds from Tariq Morales. Good job. Anything after Robert Carroll's amazing. Anything after an old man going, I'm on mushrooms. That's just incredible. At least you tried, Tariq. Amazing. First time? Second time. Second time ever doing stand-up. What made you want to sign up? No, no, no. Second time on the show. Oh, it is. All right. How did it go your first time? It went well, yeah. I had a full 60 seconds. It was great. All right. Okay. And how long ago was that? Maybe November. What did we find out about you then?

48:47What was the interview based around? Oh, I had a gong, not that black. You had a gong? I had a gong, yeah. I didn't get to pull it out. Oh. I had it in my passenger seat, car the whole time, and I just had to drive home with it in the... Okay, yeah, that wasn't anything we covered in the interview last time. No. That was in your car. It was. Give us a... What do you do for work, Tariq? I work from home, so I'm just, like, getting paid to be unemployed. What do you do? Honestly, I don't know. It's like the documents, they come in, I hit green or red. Child care. And then... Yes, he's a Somali daycare worker, everybody.

49:27Good job, Red Band. Yeah. Mr. 233 over here.

49:37Okay, so you don't know what you do. You're getting paid? I'm getting paid. How much do you get paid? It's$20 an hour. How many hours a day are you working? Eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. And the check's clear. The check's clear, yeah. Okay. What do you do for fun? I like to play the piano. I'm a piano player. You're a piano player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. A bit of a beige Beethoven, a little bit. Okay. Are you the kid from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? That's me. Yeah, there you go. Absolutely. Are you from Austin, Texas? No, I just moved here in July. Okay, where were you at before that?

50:08Boise, Idaho. Nice. All right. Tell us about being whatever you are in Boise. Yeah, I was the blackest person there, which is super embarrassing. Are you black? Half, yeah. Half black, half Mexican? Puerto Rican. Oh, Puerto Rican, okay. All right. Fair loop.

50:30I feel like it's been long enough. I just want to double back on the job you do, because you said that I don't know the documents come in. You said, and I hit red or green. Yeah, there's literally a thumbs up or a thumbs down. I just... You literally do not know what you do? Literally, yeah. It's like something with finance. I don't know. But what do you do? The fucking... The document comes in. I check these numbers to see if they match up with client information. Are you on the cast of Severance? The work is mysterious and important. Definitely, the work is mysterious and important. Wow. How long have you worked for this company?

51:10Like three months. Wow. Not long. Why would you hit it green? Because the numbers match up with the client information. It's fucking lumen. That's it. That's it. That's it. And you would hit red when the numbers don't match. When they don't match. And you do this for eight hours a day. Eight fucking hours a day. I'm watching movies. I'm on the phone. I'm hanging out with my comic friends. That's it. Was there training for this? Not really, no. Yeah, it's like day one. They're like, all right, here's what you're going to be doing. And the name of the company? What the... I don't think he's going to lose this nothing burger job if he says that.

51:48Tariq, what's your love life like? Single right now. I can't afford to date. I make$20 an hour. So, yeah. You're surprised. Yeah. Yeah, single right now. I haven't been on... How long have you been in Austin? Since July. And so you've been on no dates. You've met no women. I went on one date. I met her, like, at a show at Narbar. and it didn't go well. What happened? This is perfect. Take us through the night, Tariq. Yeah, she was just like, she was like a bodybuilder and I didn't, I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie and we went on the date. She was wearing like a tank top and she had like some fucking biceps.

52:30I wasn't ready for that. I think I was a little, she was, you know, thick neck. Thick neck, biceps. Did you, is there any chance she had a dick? Didn't make it that far. I think you went on a date with Joe Rogan.

52:50There's milk meat involved in the foreplay. Yeah, a lot of venison. Ah, fuck. That's it, Joe Rogan. So she was jacked. Now, and permission to speak freely, did when she took her hoodie off and you saw just gu-guing, gu-guing, right? And you saw, you were like, oh, there's a potential opportunity for me to peck fuck her, right? did uh did you say wait what was that dr phil peck fucker what does that mean so you know she's so muscular her her boobs have turned into pecs so if you still want to achieve a titty foot i'll send you a link yeah there's but when she when she deroged uh or declawed did you get excited or did you did you take a step back and go this isn't what i ordered yeah i broke out in a small sweat i I said, it's not what I ordered.

53:39Yeah. How'd you get out of there? I fucking, I paid. And I was like, pleasure meeting you. She went in for the kiss. And yeah. You mean the headlock. Yeah. Yeah. When she went in for the kiss, exactly what happened? She went in for the kiss. And I had enough time to like kind of think about it. So I leaned back a little bit. And then I just looked away. Her eyes were closed. So I just looked and pretend I didn't see it. And then I looked back. I was like, oh, hey. Great meeting you.

54:09Wow. Wow. She was like a red document. Yeah, that was a thumbs down for me, dog. It was a thumbs down. Wow. Tariq. Absolutely incredible. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? Big one. You got a big one. All right. Well, there you go then. Tariq Morales, everybody. Bones-Eyes making all kinds of different joke books. Small, medium, large. Some are black. Some are brown. like Tariq. Okay. So, things are moving along here, but I think we need to shift the momentum. I mean, wow. This has been Sancho Pancho, Mario, Robert Carroll, and Tariq. I'm gonna say none of them really knocked it out of the old fucking...

54:52Oh, I disagree. It's been my favorite so far. That was banger after banger. I'm gonna bring up one of our unbelievable regulars, ladies and gentlemen, to sage the room. He is fucking fantastic. Make some noise for the great and powerful, the dark storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

55:17I hate Waymos. And I think the only reason that we got these little self-driving-ass cars in Austin is because there's not enough black people to go, uh-uh.

55:34I hate these little self-driving-ass cars because they don't leave the human factor in there. Because if I'm drunk and I'm going home, who's going to wake me up in the Waymo?

55:51When you get drunk and you get into an Uber, the Uber driver wakes you up and they so... Hey, sir.

56:02You're at your house. You know who wakes you up in a Waymo? The Tempe police in Phoenix, Arizona. That's where I went to sleep in a Waymo. And these niggas weren't nice or kind at all. Take it from one example. One time, because I'm a heavy sleeper, that's why they was mad at me about waking me up in a Waymo. They couldn't wake me up for 30 minutes. One lady one time tried to wake me up. She couldn't wake me up, she couldn't wake me up. She took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and then called my mama. Nigga, I was up. Dr. Christian Alifland, nigga, I woke up immediately. And I was like, I'm so sorry.

56:53I started cleaning, because when I was a kid... When I was a kid, if your mama started working, whooping your siblings. If you cleaning, she not gonna whip your ass, too. And so I woke up, just started doing push-ups, cleaning, and then she was like, how dare you let that lady get in? And the next day, I had to go to that same Uber lady place and then cut her grass and then wash her car. That's my time. Thank y 'all so much. I'm Dennis Flick. Dennis Flick. Two minutes of material, tons of punchlines throughout, about cleansing the room of the debacle of the past four bucket pulls. I'm so sorry.

57:35What are you apologizing for? The bucket pulls. Oh yeah, exactly. Great work, Dedrick. That really happened, didn't it? Yes, it did. It sounds real. I texted the Instagram the night after that. I apologized to the Tempe police. And I was so scared the whole time, because it was like, when you're drunk and they wake you up, you're still lying when you wake up and you're like, oh, I should have been lying this whole time. And the whole time I was like, I'll be fine. I'll just call Joe Rogan. That's right. The Phoenix Tempe police love Joe Rogan. They do. They told me that when they was walking me to the Omni where I was.

58:18I just did a sold-out show. I felt so bad. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Tempe police, to the two officers, and I don't know y 'all name. And the Instagram asked me that too. They said, what officers? I said, nigga, I told you I was drunk. That's amazing. That is incredible. I've never really thought about that. Falling asleep in a Waymo, there's no real... I heard that they start playing music really loud. I don't know. Slept through that too. They don't have good music. That's what fucked me up. I was leaving Rochester, New York And then I had a 5 a.m. flight, so I stayed up, went to that, flew, did two hours in Tempe, Arizona.

59:04And I was expecting to see my grandma, but my grandma was dying right now. And she lives in Tempe. And so I didn't know until after the show. So I got drunk, and I started hanging out, and I started getting sad. I said, you know what, I'm going to leave. And then I got in the Waymo. And the Waymo, they have suggestions for music, but none of them are good. What are they? Music that you listen to? Dr. Phil music. Vertical Horizon? Sure. I love Shania Twain. Don't play with me, baby. I'm right at it. Hell yeah. Shania Twain, Mark Twain. He listens to it all. Sure, yeah. Well, maybe next time I'll fuck around that Waymo with you and we can go get some fish sticks or something.

59:53Or not. Or you can just look at me and say, we'll be right black, you know? That's right. Oh, don't do that again. That's terrible. Dedrick. I love those teeth. Is there a specific song that would be on a Waymo? If you needed music to wake up a black person that fell asleep in a Waymo, as our senior black correspondent, what song would you pick? Too Short. um How does that go? What, Too Short Song again? What do you... I go on and on. Can't understand how I last so long. That's right. I might have had a superpowers. That's$203 ,000. That's as long as we can go without the copyright strike. So we get it.

1:00:40You play that, nigga, you can bring me out of the grave. That is... You play too short, nigga, I be bouncing. They should have a hits playlist to wake me up. Don't let the... Knock it on the window. That don't mean nothing to me. I'm from Atlanta. We go to sleep the gunshots, nigga. That's not... Absolutely. You think Pancho Sancho listens to Too Short as well? You live in Atlanta, too, don't you? I what? Yeah. No, I'm in New York. I thought you was in Atlanta for a while. For True TV. Uh, no. Hey, Atlanta, this nigga's a liar. That would be a great sketch on Impractical Jokers, just you guys going around the streets of Atlanta telling each other what to say.

1:01:29Say hello, my friend. Do you have an extra wallet to the guy walking towards you right now? No, but I'm about to, motherfucker. See, I'm playing both roles in this. That's crazy. Dedrick, what is one of the more dangerous things you saw in your days in Atlanta? Oh, man. Besides my best friend getting shot in front of me... Go to a clip.

1:02:01Oh, my goodness. Sorry, we don't have it. All right. We had it. All right. The police don't come that fast in Atlanta, Red Band. That sucks. Go ahead. I saw with my own eyes. This is crazy. I was at a bar and one dude walked up to another dude and asked that nigga for a chicken wing. And the dude was like, order your own chicken wings because he was like, yo, I bet you$25 I can eat your chicken wings faster than you. That doesn't work anywhere. He said, you did but take your poor ass over there. And then that dude, I swear to God, this is the first time I've ever seen this in time in my life. he had a sock attached to a string.

1:02:50It was like just a string with a knot on the end of it. He started swinging around like it was a nunchuck. There was something in the sock? It was something. That nigga was like, but if you defend your wings in Atlanta, that's your honor. You know what I'm saying? Asking for a nigga hot wing in Atlanta is like asking to fuck somebody's wife. You know what I'm saying? Like, that shit is... And this nigga pulled out a gadget. He been waiting. Yeah. A sock with something in it at the end of a string. You watch Lord of the Rings? You know when Sal Ron came out with that little chain thing that nigga was like, that nigga was fucking up the L?

1:03:31This was Lord of the Wings.

1:03:36Lord of the Wings, ladies and gentlemen. That is tonight's Fruit by the Foot, Joke of the Night.

1:03:48Just to summarize, the two craziest things you saw in Atlanta was your best friend getting gunned down in front of you and someone eating someone else's chicken wing. Yeah. And pulling out... So there's a string and there's a sock that's enclosed. It's like two strings and he has it woven into a bigger thing. Wow. It looked like a, I don't know what you call it, because I'm not from the medieval times. Right. But that nigga had one of those. He was like, how dare you? Yes. And then he hit him with it. Oh, boy, did he? Oh, my God. And then the cop showed up, and he said, this nigga asked me for a wing.

1:04:32And the cop said, we'll take him to jail.

1:04:38Oh, Dedrick, you're the best, man. unbelievable no asking for wings in Atlanta don't ask for no other dude wings that shit fucked up

1:04:53that's my new voice that's what the dude said he said don't ask me for my fucking wings that weapon sounds scary it's usually pennies they put pennies in a sock who's they red man Your people. Who's that? Your people. Who's that? The old they them. Black people got quarters too. I actually talk about that in my book. Chapter 35. Black people have quarters. Your local Barnes and Noble. Black people are people too. Dedrick, you rebuilt the momentum in the room. Thank you so much. He's done it again. Clint, everybody. with some tales from the streets, socks on the end of strings, and many great things.

1:05:45Your next bucket poll is a one-word name. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Teja, everybody. Teja.

1:05:55Oh, my goodness. Hey, I just slept with my first white woman. Hey, I'm glad you proud, nigga, because my girl was pissed. For real, bro, this is bad. This is bad, fool. I had never been with a white woman before, but I come fast, nigga. I bust quick. Some people say premature. I like to say right on time. But no, as soon as I put it in, I bust, like, instantly, nigga. I was like, my bad. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. She said, no, Jerome, it's okay. I said, that's not my name. But I like the energy, though. It's real supportive, bro. It's very supportive. This white woman, though, she changed my life, bro.

1:06:34She fucked me up, nigga. She fucked me so good, I drink IPAs now. For real, my homie hit me up. He was like, you trying to go to the club? I was like, nah, nah, you want to go to the brewery? We play cornholing. Listen to Shania Twain, nigga.

1:06:54Now, look, before we started having sex, she stopped me. She said, what are your kinks? What are your kinks? I don't have any kinks, though. She said she had a praise kink, which is like words, affirmation, good girl, shit like that. That's not me, nigga. I don't think I did it right. I was like, ooh, you the goat. All right, that's my time, man. My other time. Teja! Great set. Fantastic. You've been on this show before? Once. Yeah. This went better than last time, I bet, right? Hell yeah. Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand-up? I just hit three years today. Today's your three-year anniversary.

1:07:27How about that? Amazing. What do you do for work? I'm an electrician. Okay. Yeah, I get up at 5 a.m. every day and work like 10 hours. Wow. Wow. That's when Red Band goes to bed. New job, right? Huh? New job? Nah, nah. Did you used to work at Apple or something like that? Hell nah, nigga. I think you're thinking about one of the other they. Amazing. You ever get hit on when you're doing electrical work at a lady's house? No, I do like industrial shit, like data centers and shit. Okay. It was one time, though. It was one time I went to a lady's house as a kindergarten teacher, and she tried to sleep with me and my co-worker.

1:08:11Yeah, yeah. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull it off, but... Okay. I know, nigga. I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it. You work at a data center. Yeah, I'm with the union, so I just get moved around. They just move me around. Do you know your data?

1:08:31I'm half white. Okay. Your dad's white? Yeah, yeah. White dad, black mom. They still together? Hell no. No. No. Why do you think that ended? Do you think... Why do you think that happened? Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah. How old were you when they divorced? They were never married. They were never married. Right. No, no. I was like one. But, you know... Are you sure your dad's white? I swear to God. Okay. White as hell. All right. Super white. Okay. And what does your dad do? He a realtor. And what does your mom do? Shit. Okay. The documents come in and then... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

1:09:21Teja is an interesting name. T-A-I-J-A. Does that mean something? Tai-J. It's like ta and a J. Tai-J. Yeah. Tai-J. Your mom is black. That's what I call target. Ty J. Okay. I bet nobody says that correctly, right? No. Right. Impossible to announce that based off of this spelling. Ty J. All right. Dr. Phil. You mentioned the premature ejaculating. When did that begin and how are you treating it? Because I would venture to assume not many women receiving that information are fired up, right? And I know you may... Let me finish. Some of you're probably really used to hearing, right? Now... Keep it right here.

1:10:16What I mean by that, uh, uh, Taewon, is... Is there... Is there something that you do to compensate, right? So if you're gonna get... If you're gonna bust your nut corn nut style, right? And the girl's still laying there like a dead fish, being like, well, where's my fucking cum? You know, where's my... However she says it, you know. What do you say to make her feel like it's not a waste of time? Hey, I gotta get out of here, bro. Wow. That's what your white father said.

1:10:50Some heads up, you can last longer using Blue Chew Gold. Use the promo code TONY at BlueChew.com. get 10 % off. That's bluechew.com. I love it. That's right. You really are like a union guy. You just, you leave before the job is done.

1:11:14That is tonight's Frito-Lay, joke of the night. Amazing. Ty J. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? I don't really have a lot of time. I just go to work, and then I do comedy. Man, my brother's gay. Oh, shit. All right. What's his phone number?

1:11:40He's fucking throwing red meat to the panel. Desperation. What does he do for work? What does he do for work? Yeah. I think he's like a librarian. Some gay shit. Okay. Hell yeah. All right. He's like one. That means he hangs around libraries a lot. Homeless. Amazing. Ty J. Ty J. Some interest that he did just bring his boyfriend home for the first time. Oh, let's talk about that. Now, did he brought him home to your black mother or to your white father? To my white father. Ooh, okay. How did white dad take that? Well, I mean, you know, he's... We'll be white dad. How did a white dad handle that?

1:12:25He, you know, he very supportive and shit. He supportive. I was mad though, nigga. I was, I didn't like it. Right. What do you think your black mother would say about? Well, on my mama's side, I got a sister and she gay. Oh, shit. Yeah, but she a stud. Oh. Yeah, yeah. And then my brother on my dad's side, he like, you know, Flamboyant Flamboyant Yeah Okay He's a tiger

1:12:56He's a Gay tiger Yeah He's a tigerian Okay Was your brother's boyfriend A big fat white guy? No No More like Tony's build That's right 164 .9 But I was mad Because that nigga was ugly That's the thing Made me mad about it. That's what pissed you off. Yeah, because I don't care if you gay. Don't bring no ugly nigga home. Yeah. But you got to get held to the same standard. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he look like he bite people. I'm for real. He had a fucked up grill. Nigga, it was bad. Maybe your brother likes to last longer in bed, and it's easy to do with an ugly person. Thank you. Yes, this is some of my tricks.

1:13:41When I want to last long in bed, I hook up with an ugly man. Right. Okay. This show's out of control. Did you get a big joke book last time? No. Well, you're getting one tonight, Ty J. There you go, buddy. Hey! And it keeps on rolling. Good job, Ty J. On to the next one, as the great Jay-Z once said. On to the next one. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Greg McHowan, everybody. Here comes Greg McHowan.

1:14:16Yo, what's going on? Yo, Tony. Yo, recently I've been trying to date, but it's been very hard with an Android phone. Because for some reason, iPhone users always discriminate on me based off the color of my text messages. You know what I mean? It's always weird. Like, every time I'm in a club and I'm trying to talk to a girl, I feel like Martin Luther King. I'm like, I have a dream that one day green messages and blue messages will white day come together. You know what I mean? It was great. Like, I can imagine I'll have, like, a group of Android supporters behind me leaving the club. They'll be chanting shit like, green or blue, we don't care.

1:14:59Let us see your underwear. Like, shit's crazy. Across the street, you know what I'm saying, you'll see, like, the Android supporters, I mean, the iPhone supporters. and they'll be saying shit like, well, if he ain't blue, then he can't come through or shit like that, you know what I mean? Yeah. Holy shit.

1:15:21Holy shit. Okay, I'm pretty sure that's his... This is crazy. That's his closing line there, Greg McCowan. Greg, how you doing? Is this your first time on the show? This is my first time on the show. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years, Tony. Two and a half years. Yes, sir. I love it. And Ty J is your brother? Is that correct? All right. I knew he looked familiar. He's long lost, long lost, you know? That's right. That's right. Greg McHowan. Okay, two and a half years you've been doing stand-up. All here in Austin? No, originally from Dallas. Okay. Originally from Dallas.

1:15:55What do you do for work?

1:15:59All these people have fake-ass jobs now. Currently unemployed. When's the last time you had a job? last year, 2025, the last month of 2025. December. Yes, that would be it. It took a little minute. It took a little minute to collectively get it. The last month of 2025. I think 2025 was December. It landed on December. Correct, correct, correct. Sometimes it's February. You never know when the last month's going to be. What was the job that you had until December? I worked as a customer service rep for, like, Spectrum. Basically, I was just calling people about their bill, trying to help them out and shit like that.

1:16:39Calling people about their bills. Dr. Phil. Yeah, I've recently been in too many Spectrum debacles. Oh, Lord. So maybe we could do a little role play here and you could give me some confidence in the establishment. All right. Oh, your phone's ringing, Dr. Phil. Hello? Who the fuck is this? It's 10 a.m. You better be on fire. Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling. This is Spectrum calling about your bill. It's been overdue for about three months now, so we're calling because you have missed your payments, and we're trying to give you a little... Can you get to the fucking point, son? We're basically trying to give you a heads up to let you know that we'll be knocking something off your bill if we can get clicked right now, click a little bit right now.

1:17:25You know what I'm saying? Don't talk to me like that. I don't know what you're saying. First of all, how'd you get this number? I star 69 to your ass. You star 69? We got your number on file. We saw that you have been missing a lot of payments or a lot of households. Apparently, you just haven't been paying your bill. I don't know how you're not paying your bill. Well, it's been a rough... Ever heard of COVID, motherfucker? Well, you know what? I got you. I got you. This is what we'll do. Well, if you go ahead and pay 100 right now, you ain't even got to worry about the bill, dog. Don't even worry about the shit.

1:18:02All right, let me call my friend Redband real quick and see if he can Venmo me$100. Uh-oh, Redband, pick up the phone. Yes. Hey, what's up? What's up? What's up, 257? Oh, shit. You know, I'm just here eating. What? So, so, so, Redband, so he's the one we got to, we got to get, we got to get the money from. So, so me and him are against you over there. Is this a three-way call? What is happening right now? Who patched this fucking guy in? I'm going to call Tony. Oh, hello? There's a fourth caller? Sorry, this is how we do things at the Phil House. I know you guys are spectrum thinking you can fucking one-on-one this shit, but I got a whole half court ready to play, motherfucker.

1:18:49Got a whole... You ever played a pickup game at 24 Hour Fitness? Hell yeah. Guys just show up? Yeah. All right, go ahead, Tony. How exactly did you lose that job? Um, basically paying off a lot of people's shit. Like, just pushing through and shit like that. Just, you know, helping some people out. Okay. They didn't like that shit. They didn't fuck with that shit at all. Okay. So, how much money do you have in your checking account right now? Right now? Yeah. Fuck.

1:19:22Well, uh... Just give us a ballpark. Ballpark, about ten bucks. Ten bucks. Ten bucks. A solid ten. When is rent due? What's your living situation? Currently, I live at the homeless shelter that's, like, right down the street from here. Oh, okay. At Arch. All right. This guy loves the homeless. Huge support. That's not as sad as having an Android phone. How long have you lived at the shelter? I've been in Austin for probably, like, about a month now. So a month. Okay. And how are we going to... Wait, you moved from Dallas. So you had a living situation in Dallas. You're sacrificing it all for stand-up comedy right now.

1:20:02Stand-up comedy, yeah. Okay. How much material do you think you have altogether if you were to do your longest set? We just saw your Android material tonight. I would probably say between 10 to 15. 10 to 15. 10 to 15. Okay. So what can you do? Like, what kind of job can you be good at? Customer service, anything sales-related. Anything just dealing with talking to people is what seems to be... I felt the fucking test! What was that? You failed the test. Wow, it's strange. Okay. What's that from? Antonio what? Oh, Antonio Brown. That's right. Okay, that's a deep cut. All right. That happened on this show?

1:20:46Holy shit. All right. I'm about to have to hire a brand new keyboard player. Do you not have to play my keyboard? I don't know. I can make something work. I don't know. He seemed pretty solid back there, dog. I'm kidding. He's not going anywhere. What sort of food do they serve you at the shelter? Shit. Literally. Literally. They serve, like, scrambled eggs, regular shit. You know, sometimes they do a little chicken bolognese, you know, some type shit. Chicken bolognese. Amazing. I've never even heard of that before. That sounds like... We're throwing in new shit. Well, you notice how he said bolognese, not bolognese.

1:21:22It's like the dollar store spaghetti. Yeah. Yeah, it's chicken and mayonnaise shaped into a ball. It's chicken bolognese. It's real good. It's real good. It's not bad, yeah. Food is food at some point. Oh, hell yeah. Well, do you make friends there? You're a pretty, you know, chummy guy. Yeah, I've met some people since I've been out here in Austin there. Dr. Phil has a great point. Very rarely do we get to talk to anybody in the flesh about living in the homeless shelter. So kind of take us through what might surprise a normal person. Shit, man. Where the fuck do I start? So it's kind of like a cot, cold.

1:22:00Cold cot. Three bullshit meals, if you can call it that. Occasional fights. You know, a lot of crackhead energy. You know, you see people in the corner sniffing cocaine and, you know. But you don't do drugs? No, no, no. I don't do drugs. Okay. I watch them do drugs. I'm an observer, Tony. I watch them do drugs, and they do it in such a terrible fashion. But, you know, they do what they do. They do what they do. Okay. All right. Well, Greg McAllen. Easy women, right? Do you ever get laid at the homeless shelter? Got laid outside of the homeless shelter, yes. In a bush? And then, like, yeah, near a tree.

1:22:45Okay. You got to find it any way you can get it. All right. Talk about that in my book. He's like, that's crazy. Chapter 47. Pussy's a pussy.

1:22:57Old pussy bush. Depending on what year it is. All right. So you have family in Dallas? Yeah, I have family in Dallas. And did they just not, did they kind of like kick you out and tell you to go do your own thing? Or was moving to Austin to a homeless shelter your own idea? No, actually, they didn't kick me out. I just kind of just left on my own. It was just like, I'm just going to do it. I'm all in for it. How old are you? 29. I just turned 29 on the 31st. Okay. Yeah. 31st of the last month of the year. Yeah. Of some month. Of the first month of the year. All right. Happy birthday. Appreciate it.

1:23:34Does the shelter do anything? They give you like a cupcake or something like that? No, no, no. Nothing at all. Nothing. Damn. This is all so interesting. Fuck. Yeah, well, we don't have any like sales jobs. or anything like that. This is going to be one of the saddest endings to an interview in the history of the show. She's got a job offer. Yeah, she raised her hand. She's been wasted for two hours. That is not the place to find hope, my friend. You think you can sell nachos? I think I can sell nachos. I can sell the fuck out of some nachos. Greg McCowan, I'll tell you what. You have a lot of work to do, so here's a big joke book just to fill it up.

1:24:16Just to have something. Worst comes to worst, sell it, double your net worth. There he goes, Greg McCowan, everybody. There goes Greg.

1:24:30Yeah, let's do that. Let's go with one of our golden ticket winners who's here to pop in, just visiting, swinging by in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is. It's Jack Shaw.

1:24:49Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad. This guy, he won't stop saying it.

1:25:12I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking... I mean, I'm so Jewish, I have family on both Epstein and Schindler's list, dude. I...

1:25:29You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism, dude. There are, like... There are, man. Like, I mean, we're both loud. We're prone to nervousness. We're very socially... Shut the fuck up, dude. No, we're very anxious people. We can be obsessive, but I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains.

1:25:59Thank you guys so much. Jack Shaw. You people really do come out and just say that you're Jewish. Yeah.

1:26:13I've always wondered what you were. Just kidding. Greg Fitzsimmons. So the last guy worked for Spectrum, and you're on that. I'm on it? Yeah. It's come full circle. Just like a choo-choo train, if you will. Jack. That was funnier than you guys gave it credit for. Or a juju train, if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't play that. Don't play that sound, please. There you go. There's a little something to cleanse the bones.

1:26:47Jack Shaw, how's life been going? Dude, it's been going great. The last time I was on the show, Joe Rogan told me to do some props, so I bought some fucking props tonight. You had some successful props last time you were on. Let's fuck it. Who's ready for some Jew props, huh? It's Jew props. Actually, no, that makes sense. This first one is to make your Jewish friends feel comfortable on Christmas. Wow. I love it. Hey. Jew props. We're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. My dad really doesn't want me to do this one, but this is a Hasidic gas mask. Oh, God damn it. Oh, you got it. God damn it.

1:27:31We'll picture it. Oh, fuck. Yeah, just put it on. Fucking put AI on it. Fuck, fuck. Just do it, do it. Do it like it works, and then put the thing over your head second. This is a Hasidic gas mask. A Hasidic gas mask, everybody. There you go. He said it, not me, by the way. This one, this is an ancient dick pic.

1:27:54That's my dick, dude.

1:27:59That's... Okay, this one sucks. if anyone has a pig at home and that pig gets hurt, how about some oinkment? Oinkment? Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. Jew props. We're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. He's doing the Jew props. Jew props. Uh-oh. This is a drawing by D. Madness. I thought that was pretty good. I think that's pretty good. It looks great. That's amazing. Great stuff. This is health insurance for a healthcare CEO. Ah, bulletproof vest. Bagel and lox top. This is Lego Epstein Island, everybody. I thought that was going to go so much better. What the...

1:28:54Jesus Christ. All right, well, we have an expansion pack with Donald Trump and Bill Clinton. I think Alright, Trump was never on the island But keep going, Clinton was 55 times What's that one? Stephen Hawking Yes, he was there Jack Shaw lives in LA So they will never let it go That Trump was never on Epstein Island Just a fun fact But he was never there Okay, well that didn't go great It's like Salvolcano It's a little like Carrot Stop Dude, that's what I wanted to ask Carrot Top. I was hoping Carrot Top would be here so I could ask him for some mentorship. So Carrot Top, I'll be Carrot Bottom right here.

1:29:39Whoa! You were ready for that. Yeah. That's amazing. Hey, you want this? Wow. That's a lot of red pews. You want this? Here, I'll trade you. You can't have it. I'll trade you. Oh, okay, thank you. There you go. I can't use this. You can use that. You gotta believe in yourself, Jay. If I scrunch it down enough, it's fine. You could just put your whole body into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it over my head. That fits one full Pancho Sancho. Take your time. Sound it out. Pancho Sancho Villa. Jack, it turns out we love good and bad props here. I loved it. Make some noise one more time for Jack Shaw, everybody.

1:30:29What a hoot. There he goes. The lovely Jack Shaw. Back to the bucket we go. This name came from the inside. Make some noise for BHC Tommy. BHC Tommy.

1:30:47Last Christmas, a Corpus Christi coroner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. And they said it was the best sex ever. Magical even. abracadaver if you will now that's what i call netflix and chilled there's a burial plot twist the offender's actually a woman thank the lord for rigor mortis she testified that her favorite movies are die hard and rise of the living dead in related news a local drive-by shooting at 12 casualties that means she was down there gang-banging gang-bangers. It was crips and blood everywhere with no regard for human life because there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges literally because she had jumper cables hooked up to their nipples.

1:31:36Here's the real shocker she only got caught because she got pregnant. The dumbass was out there raw-dogging zombies when she should have been using the Twilight birth control method. That's when you bang only vampires and it works because Because a vampire can't come inside anywhere without permission first. That's it. Okay. BHC Tommy.

1:32:01Uh.

1:32:05It was, there was a lot there. There was, I mean, there, that may have been so many, you had so many attempts. You had so many jokes. And only that one at the end. I don't know what the 12 people that laughed at that one saw in the vampire thing. Maybe I'm missing it. Sal Volcano. I think as Wayne Gretzky said, you miss all 100 attempts that you take.

1:32:33No, I appreciate that. That was the most dense minute I've ever seen on this show. It's true. What you did was you really hitched your wagon to one thing. And so once it was... You know what it is? When you came out, the setup was... You got into it so quickly, I almost kind of was a little bit, like, confused. Well, it's part of a bigger set that's not quite a minute, so I just try to... Is that your thing? Do you just have jokes about, like, fucking dead corpses and stuff? Well, I mean, the only thing stiff about my love life is the competition. There's another one. Oh, I'll... BHC Tommy, how long have you been doing stand-up?

1:33:10I've been chasing this selectively since last February. Okay, chasing this selectively. Great way to say I'm not really doing it. Yeah. Bro, you are going to make it. That's what you got to do when you really want something. You chase it selectively. Yeah. Yeah, what do you mean by chasing selectively? Take us through your work ethic. So I've been a fan of the show for a couple years. Started chasing the bucket last February. And... Chasing the bucket. Chasing the bucket. Sounds like a Judy Blume book that never made the cut. Chasing the bucket. Are you there, God? Yeah. Yeah. So I've done some mics and some practicing to get ready for this because it would be insane to come up here with a zero mic.

1:33:53I agree. I agree. And especially if you did that while on mushrooms at the age of 60, that would be insane. And it happened here tonight. Okay. So BHC, Tommy, how old are you? I'm old, Tony. 43. 43. What do you do for work? I work with marine construction. Marine construction. You mean? We build beaches. You build beaches. Yes. It's a thing. It's dredging. So we have a boat that basically has a drag head that sucks up all the material. And then we pump it to the beach and the beach constructs the beach. Wow. And then Red Band washes up on it. And that's how you find a Red Band.

1:34:41Okay. BHC Tommy. So how long have you been doing that for? About seven years. Anything crazy ever happen when you're out there dredging? Yes, but I'm not really allowed to talk about it too much, just because it's government contracting and whatnot. But, I mean... It's kind of like you were a background player on that show. Let me give you an answer that you can. We find explosives and, like, Civil War head missiles and stuff. And this is mostly off the coast of Texas? We do do work in Houston. You do do? Okay. in Freeport, but I've been working mostly in New Jersey. Oh, I can't even imagine what you find in New Jersey.

1:35:21Absolutely incredible. How long has your hair, how long has that been? How long? It looks like your barber was chasing your head selectively. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. Dr. Phil, oh, shit, there he is, Mr. McGraw. Now, that's a joke because I can't pull it off, So I'm obviously deflecting and admiring, but also judging. When I go to the barber, I say make it look like G.I.G.O. on this side and Barbie on this side. Well, you're killing it. But for real, how long have you had it like that? Probably like 18 months, two years. So it's a new acquisition. What made you want to go with that?

1:35:58I mean, I've always had the mohawk on the side, but I have a nephew who plays hockey. And he's got the flow and the mullet, so we kind of grew it out together. That's cute. Okay. Why BHC, Tommy? What does the BHC mean? So BHC has just been my handle for all my social media ever since AOL Instant Messenger. It's just a nickname I've had. Banging hot corpses? Sometimes. Oh, fist bump. Hey, I want to play Big Hairy Cock. Wow. Sal, your turn. So it really stands for Big Hater Company, because I hate on shit all the time. I just talk shit. Wow. What do you hate on? I mean, I'm just a troll in general.

1:36:43Like, I just... Oh, Jesus Christ. That's fucking broad. I'd be hating Coochie, I think is what she said. All right. BHC comedy. Here's a little joke book from the great Bones Eye. Keep trying. Keep selectively chasing your dreams, baby. There he goes. BHC Tommy. Some people just try. Some people just hope for the best. You gotta try. If you don't at first succeed, well, maybe do something else. Is that in the book? Chapter four. You son of a bitch. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody.

1:37:39So, uh, I don't do one-night stands anymore. I do two-night stands. Otherwise, it looks, you know, it makes the bedroom look uneven.

1:37:53Yeah, last time I hooked up with a girl was on 6th Street, and, uh, you know, she takes me home. I'm super drunk. She's super hot, you know. We start macking as soon as we walk through the door. and uh you know I go down on her I don't know why I just in the moment I go down on her

1:38:13I'm horny that's why but um yeah she stops me I'm like oh shit is she on her period no like she trans no she told me she had a DUI or that's what I thought I heard you know and I'm like why did you why did you tell me this now you drove us here and then you're gonna told me that? That's fucking crazy. But she tells me, no, no, no, a VYI. I'm like, VYI? What the fuck's a VYI? She has vaginal yeast infection. I was like, yeah, I'll take the mac. You can keep the cheese.

1:38:51Thank you. My name's Lorenzo Tyree. Alright, Lorenzo Tyree. Lorenzo, have you been on this show before? Yeah, third time. Third time. What? Third time. Third time. Yes, sir. Absolutely. Welcome. How's it going, man? Man, pretty good. I didn't expect it tonight. I was drinking a pitcher of that good stuff, the tequila pineapples. You had a pitcher of tequila pineapples? Yes. Yes. You think that was a good idea? Yeah, I was like, you know, chill night. I love hanging out with the other comedians. It would be fun. Okay, well. Are you the second Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I am not. All right.

1:39:44Just make it small talk. Thanks, Dr. Phil. Thanks. It is incredible. I do want to say, you know, a lot of sexual content tonight, which is fair. It's a relatable topic. It's something we're all going through and trying to figure out. But you said a second stand. So you are out there trying to grease the wheels quite often, yeah? Well, uh... It's a simple yes or no question. You're inactive... Preseason. Preseason for what? WNBA? The fuck are you talking about? You look like... Reading B, reading, reading. It's my way of saying you look like a giant lesbian, Lorenzo. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome.

1:40:24Somehow you look like every character from Sesame Street at once. It is absolutely incredible. Ladies, any stud-likers out here? This guy's built like a fucking palm tree. Look at this guy. Oh, my God. Tequila pineapples. Do you ever make jokes, though, about your appearance? Because that is one way to get the crowd on your side, right? It's to be self-deprecating right out of the gate. Yeah, I got a couple. Got a couple. Yeah. I missed last season because I was in a Russian prison. shit that's that's alaska that's right yeah alaska's basically a russian prison all right lorenzo what do you do for uh living uh mainly work a smoke shop job right now i also work fireworks in alaska you what i uh work with like i do fireworks you work with fireworks yeah what do you exactly do you do with fireworks um cargo containers come in with full of fireworks Where are they coming from?

1:41:21China? Yeah, I think so. You don't know where they're coming from? Well, who else makes fireworks, Tony? I'm asking you. You're the one that works in the fucking business, Lorenzo. Jesus Christ, the attitude on these children nowadays. Fucking people. It's unbelievable. Lorenzo, anything happen interesting in your life since the last time you were on the show? Me and my girlfriend separated Oh my goodness Yeah

1:41:55How long were you with her for? Met her in May of last year Dated her in August to January Okay You just named a bunch of months And it didn't get a single answer out of you Perfect What made this separation happen? There were just There weren't any more fireworks The fireworks went out I'll be here for the rest of the evening What made you separate? I just think we were two different, you know. Not the yin and yang type either. What do you mean, two different? Isn't she a woman as well?

1:42:35You know, I like working out. She really didn't. Long term, that's, you know, I need that, you know, future.

1:42:45Going out, I didn't. She like what? Going out. I didn't like going out. You're a homebody. Kind of. I go out for mics and stuff like that, but I like to be out too often. I get really drunk sometimes. It sounds like you do that a lot. If you drank a pitcher of tequila pineapple before the opportunity of a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you might have a drinking problem. Sorry, Grandma. What? That's his closer. That's how he signs off his sets. Hey, that's my time. Sorry, Grandma. I'm actually not mad about it. It's a little bit better than Buckle Up. They're in the same department store, though. Lorenzo, we're going to keep it moving along.

1:43:31There goes Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. There he goes. You got nothing but little joke books, right, I'm guessing? A little and medium. Okay, a little medium next time. Keeping it moving along. Make some noise for Sion Lazar out of the bucket. Go, you drunk-ass motherfucker. Jesus Christ. Sion Lazar. You thought it was one of those AMV doors, you know? One of those automatic curtains. Hold on a second. Hold on. Hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just missed something crazy. I don't know if you guys heard, but Dr. Phil just said he thought it was one of those gas station doors. He stood there waiting.

1:44:17Let's reset. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut, I do believe. One more time for Sion Lazar, everybody.

1:44:30Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land, but I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here, you should see how they walk. There's this one guy, he walked into me about ten times. It's kind of like those remote cars when they bump into something. He just... They don't even look up from their phone. They just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is they got a lot of metrosexuals out there.

1:45:11Does anyone know what a metrosexual is? If you don't know what a metrosexual...

1:45:23Calm down, Americans. Calm down. Stand on your head and calm down, like the police say. Sir, put your hands in the air, stand on your head and calm down. No. Calm down, sir. You need to go... No. What they do is, in the metro, if you're walking around and you don't know what a metrosexual is just watch who's bouncing off of the poles. All right. Sion Lazar. Sion, where are you from? I'm originally actually from Texas, but I live most of my life Mediterranean. In the Mediterranean Sea? In the Mediterranean area, yeah, Greece. How old were you when you moved to the Mediterranean Sea? 19. 19. And how old are you now?

1:46:05I'm 34. 34. So... Oh my god. Fuck you, Texas. Fuck you. In 15 years... Okay, guys. Jesus. I see why you moved to the Mediterranean. Fucking drunk Latinos everywhere. So in 15 years, you're saying that that accent's like real? Well, you work on it. You know, it's not perfect. But you polish it and you sleep on it. And it is what it is. I don't know what to say. No, I think you're reversed. I think he's saying that the accent you have now, what you're saying... Yeah. Oh, yeah, he thinks... Bear with me. You think that he's saying that you're trying to achieve a better American accent and you're working on that.

1:46:59He's saying that you lived here for 19 straight years first and definitely didn't speak the way you're speaking now. Yeah. And then you picked up a heavy accent from the Mediterranean over the last 15 years, which is peculiar. Yes. This is like me coming back from the two-week vacation I took last year to Rome and me coming back like, How's everybody doing? I don't even know what you talk about. It's good to be home to America.

1:47:31He's like, how you say cucumber?

1:47:36If you understand me, I don't... You hear these, metrosexuala? I've been in the Mediterranean for about 15 years. I was born in Texas. Can't you hear the Texas in my accent? Holy shit. I am from Texas, and we like things big. And I'm an English teacher, by the way. It's the worst thing. I was born with a barbecue. It flies like wings. You never ask another man for his wing. Book it to bebo. Fuck the dog, it'll be where I'm the owner. And then it bump into something. The fuck was that? The only accent they know is Italian. It's strange. Sorry, Grandma. Well, I mean... I mean, we need it to ourselves.

1:48:26If you got a rhythm, continue, gentlemen. I'm enjoying myself, too. So the accent, you would label that more as Greek? No, probably more Israeli, actually. Okay. I speak Hebrew. I speak a little Greek and Turkish, too. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't take him long to bring it up, did he?

1:48:46Call back, baby. Yeah, baby. He's back. Fitzdog.com. That is tonight's Honey Nut Cheerios joke of the night. Wow. So, Scion, I gotta give you credit. Out of all the interviews out of the bucket I've had tonight, you do seem like the most interesting. You're answering questions. It seems as though you have some life experience. What have you been doing over there? What made you leave Texas and go to the Mediterranean? Oh, well, I teach English.

1:49:19I focus on the adjectives more than the nouns, if that makes any sense. This is incredible. But not the pronouns. Over in America, things are very strange pronoun wise. Go on. Tell us about that. Tell us about that. You have global knowledge. It's good what you're saying so that Americans can hear it. Go ahead. Well, so you see, you have the he and then you have the she. But sometimes, in certain circumstances, the she, or usually the he, will decide that he would like to try the other side. So, he looks up a doctor. And the doctor says, turn around. And then he examines the size. That's the first thing.

1:50:13And if it's too large...

1:50:19then he needs special equipment but sometimes it's uh it's minimal it's nominal and in that case um he just says continue with what you're doing put on a little lipstick and you're good to go anyway to the bride and groom yes Worst wedding speech of all time. Can you imagine your best friend's getting married and he's up here going, hey, let's get the toad, let's get the, go to meet Zelda in the parking lot for some rubbing toads. What the fuck was that? I'm sorry, I drank a pitcher of a tequila pineapple.

1:51:06That is true. It is not the direction I thought things were gonna go, but I found it hypnotizing. So you teach English in all those different places and you kind of just go wherever you want? Well, yes, that's the way it is. It's kind of addictive, actually. Once you start traveling, you just can't stop. You just keep running away forever. And you convince people that this is the way Americans speak. So wherever I'm teaching, they're gonna talk like me. And wherever you're teaching, you're gonna talk like them. You have to assimilate. You have to assimilate. Hell yeah. I don't want to be a racist.

1:51:43I have to say, this is the one contestant tonight. Panelist, guest, what do we call them? Bucket pool. Bucket pool that looks like he gets pussy. That is true. Or dick. Do you do well? I've seen one or two. You present like everything you're saying is so much more important than it really is. You might not think it's funny. I'm going to go home and laugh my ass off. You got me hooked. I'm like, what happens to the he and the she? It comes from Genesis, chapter 6. And they knew that they were naked. And they hid themselves in the garden.

1:52:24God agrees. We are getting word that God agrees with you. Were you nibbling on... Christians, Christians, where are the fucking Christians? Uh, Scion. Go ahead, Dr. Phil. Do you do drugs? Excuse me? Do you do drugs? Like, are you a casual weed smoker or... No, no, I live in China. They kill you for that. You live in China now, too? It's the death penalty. Yeah, I live in China now. Oh, I live in China so long. I talk like this now. I teach English. What's up? Can you imagine? Have you ever heard a white guy with a Chinese accent? This guy was born in fucking Texas. It could happen. And I wanted to.

1:53:06What'd you say? If there's any Chinese people, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, we have a very small Chinese family. How dare you say it? There's Chinese people in Texas. I talk about that a little bit, actually. Is this a clan meeting? What the? All right, Sion, relax. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. A Wu-Tang clan meeting, perhaps. Okay, so Sion. All right, all right. What does Sion mean? Sion, it's like Zion in English. so oh you are you are jewish okay that's enough get down

1:53:47he said buckle up in hebrew

1:53:52tomato tomato ray romano you know what i'm saying if i killed your gods don't mess with me what the fuck about that in this book All right, all right. If we killed God, seriously, do you want to mess with the guy who killed God? I'm just saying. Yeah. Is that what you use on a first date? Yeah. Is that how you've seen two pussies, kind of? If they come at me with you killed God, I'm like, so why do you want to fuck with the motherfucker who killed God? You know what I'm saying? It's pretty badass if you ask me. All right. All right, all right. I'm sorry. Like, you put it on me. You put it on me.

1:54:28If I kill God, kill it. I'm going to put that on my fucking sweatshirt. Here you go. Here's a medium-sized joke book, Sion. Oh, thank you. Sion. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. Thank you. Thank you for the conversation. Those doors will open up automatically if you just stand... A lot of handshakes. There they go. Thank you. One more time for Sion, everybody. All right. Okay. We have one last bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Layla Engels, everybody. We know Layla. She's been on this show before.

1:55:06Hi, guys. Hey, mothership. It's good to be here. I've always had a nervous energy about me my whole life, but stand-up has helped me a lot. It's been a huge confidence boost. Sometimes after I get off stage now, people come up to me, and they'll be like, Layla, great set. And that makes me feel good, because they're just B-cups.

1:55:28Okay, sick, sick, sick. A little bit about me, I can't watch Kevin Bacon movies with my dad, he's Muslim.

1:55:40I have been single now for like 13 or 14 months. I don't remember exactly. I'll have to recount the slits on my wrist.

1:55:54It's been 14. I was with a guy for six years and then after six years he told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come and I was like well we can dye your hair

1:56:14okay thank you thank you thank you Leila Ingalls welcome back Leila how's it going it's going good it's going good were you going to say something else there no it's going good I just wish I had time to finish my joke I'm sorry did you want to do it Oh, uh... Just do it. Really? It's kinda long. How long is it? It'll be no more than 40 seconds. Okay, there you go. Alright, sure, let's do it. What do we got to lose at this point, Layla? Go right ahead. Uh... He told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come, and I was like, well, we can dye your hair. And then... I felt like the meow interrupted it.

1:57:05But, you know, I'll be quiet now. Okay. There's just something in the air tonight. All right, Layla. That's one way to do it. Layla. Okay. Welcome. Welcome back. It's been a while since you've been on this show. It's been about a year, right? I think it's been two years now. There you go. How's life been going? If I remember correctly, you lived in Ohio? Yes, yes. I still kind of live there, but I'm more like a vagabond. Is that what it's called? It's called Vagasil. Vagabond. Vagasil with an S. What do you think that means? I think it's Vagasil. I think I meant to say vagabond. Yeah. But I made it sound like vagina and bondage.

1:57:54But it just means I don't have a home. Okay. What's your living situation then? I just, I go where the shows are, so I just travel as many places as I can, doing as many shows as I can. And then when I am in Ohio, I'm staying at my mom's house. Shout out. So where do you stay when you're, say, here? You have, like, friends? I'm at an Airbnb. All right. That's better than 90 % of tonight's bucket pool, so that's fantastic. Where do you get the money to do things like that? Do you have a job? Um, I have, yeah, yeah. It's a... That's a yes. You know how OnlyFans does those specials now? Yep. Dr. Phil does.

1:58:45I mean, I've heard of it. Dr. Phil. My mustache is gonna fall.

1:58:55mustache holding on by a thread over here. So, Layla, you're on OnlyFans. Yes. Okay. What do you do on OnlyFans? Um, oh, God. What types of things do you do? One of the panelists, I'm not going to say who, but they want to know if there's perhaps some pics of your feet on there. No, I'm actually... I'm not going to name any names. No, I'm really insecure about my feet. Those aren't depicted. Oh, wow. Makes it hotter. Redband. Redband. That is disgusting. He said it makes it hotter. Because she's embarrassed about her feet. Greg texted. Greg, does it make it hotter? The more layers, the better.

1:59:47I like fucking Eskimos. Wow, okay. So, Layla, what exactly are you doing on OnlyFans? It started out very wholesome. It always does. I would post, like, stand-up clips. You know, like, I would just run jokes by OnlyFans. And then if it was getting, like, laughing faces and people liked it, I got the confidence to put it on Instagram. But I would just post stand-up clips, and then they'd be like, get your tits out. If you're not doing anal, we won't listen. Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that. But I didn't... It doesn't mean I didn't mean it, but I take it back because you're very funny live in the flesh.

2:00:27For real. Thanks. What a weird thing to do to workshop your jokes on a porn site. No, I know. I've always thought it's so weird that OnlyFans wanted to rebrand because, you know, they want to do like a sports channel. Right. They want to get out of the porn business and they have a cooking channel. Because, you know, whenever you want to learn how to marinate a steak, you get a porn hub, right? So I think it's... Yeah, if you want to make some bolognese, you go to a homeless shelter. Chicken bolognese. Delicious. Do you have a QR code or anything? So is it just your stand-up on OnlyFans? It really started that way.

2:01:05Uh-huh. I was getting so discouraged. Every comedy post I would make, they just really wanted me to take my clothes off. And you're surprised by this. I was surprised. I was like, oh, it's a comedy OnlyFans. So what is it now?

2:01:22Answer the question, like, what is it now? What has it become? Like, what are you doing right now on there?

2:01:35Speak. Just tell us. What are you doing on there right now? If we went on there right now and paid, what would we see? Oh, my God.

2:01:47You're like... What has it evolved to? So now I have taken my clothes off. I haven't spread anything, though. It doesn't... The flower hasn't blossomed. Okay. I'm so uncomfortable. Why? It's your life. You're the one on it. You're actually about to make vast sums of money now that you're talking about your OnlyFans on the show. I know. I am extremely blessed. It's the reason I can afford to, like, go places and get air and b &b's and not have to sleep on couches every night so i am very blessed but i'm just not like a like a real like sexy energy are you shaved a red band red band you can't ask female comedians questions like that we're giving these people the opportunity of a lifetime and this show is built to give people a chance to live their dreams are you shaved no i'm kidding I'm joking.

2:02:41It's a thing we do. Anyway. They have requested that I keep a blush. Wow. Look at that. Who's they? The cast of fucking Space Jam? I don't know.

2:02:57I feel like it's going to be you and Sal after this. Well, no, I'm happily married, but I appreciate the thought. I do like your sweater. Let me ask you this. Do they ask you something so weird that you're like, I can't even do that, or is it all pretty hunky-dory? Yeah, I mean, I have gotten requested to, like, if I could, like, jerk off a dildo with my feet and stuff. And I'm like, it doesn't even have skin to move. How am I going to... Again, when I wrote that, I thought that I was being playful and... Jovial. Like the ice. Jovial. Jovial's the word. That's what I'm looking for, yeah. but you know take 100 of the shots you don't what is it gretzky

2:03:41yeah you missed 100 of the shots you say we're moving on so yes

2:03:50so you were like on only fans and you were like oh you know i i have to check and see the 13 or 14 i have to check my wrists and they were like jerk off a dildo with your feet yeah yeah no it's for real when i was contracted with only fans part of the contract was you had to go live twice a month and so then it would just be me talking about like how comedy's going and my life and then one day i was kind of sad and i was like guys i'm kind of sad today and then they're like so do you do customs and it's just it's a lot they don't give a fuck it's a it's a joke to try to do anything other than sex stuff on only fans they're not gonna have me back after this i i think i think you're gonna be just fine i disagree i think you've upped the ante you haven't spread your wings and then you said yet is there is there a date we're all looking forward to is there a big payoff uh i i i don't want to say like i don't want to say i'll never do anything because i've already done way more than i ever thought i would like what But we know what you haven't done.

2:04:56You haven't spread it. Yeah. But what have you done? What could someone, let's say one of the millions of people watching this, what have you done? It's a fair question. Let me remind you, you could have gotten a fucking job like everybody else did. But you wanted to take the easiest possible route, which is posting clips of your stand-up on OnlyFans. You signed a deal, and things got a little wild after you started reading what people were writing you. Yeah. So what's the most extreme thing you've done? Oh, my God. It's really not bad. I was just wearing a nice dress, you know? It's a fully nice dress, much like the ladies here.

2:05:36Slow. And I was...

2:05:42And then... Don't pay any attention to the fucking weeble in the corner. Yeah.

2:05:50Go ahead. I rolled a blunt on my bed, kind of bending over. Okay. And then once the blunt was rolled, I put a big jacket on, and I went outside to smoke it because it was cold outside. And then I went back in my room, and then I took the jacket off, and then I took everything off. Even the blunt paper off the weed? And then I kind of just, like, rolled around on my bed, like oh does this look sexy and then uh this was the stand-up or this was

2:06:29how much do people throw at you for that because that's i mean good on you by the way yeah people want to pay and you know you got to give it you know it's uh you're but uh i i support taking advantage of perverts you know yeah so good well yeah i mean it's literally the reason why i'm able to like get better at stand-up and stuff. Right. I can wake up and write and then hit mics every night, do shows as much as I can, and like don't have to worry about money. So I'm using it to chase my passion. And you just have to go live twice a month? Is that the... That was when I was on the contract. I'm not on the contract anymore, so I can post as little or as much as I want.

2:07:06How often is that? Right now I probably post like twice a month. Okay. Alright. It ranges from like 30 to 35 for a post. You're nodding. Are you on there? I'm scared. So do you have like an OnlyFans name or is it your name? It's me. It's my name. Yeah. Wow. No alias. Right. Yeah. For those of you watching the show, that's L-E-Y-L-A-I-N-G-A-L-L-S. We're trying to get you some money. I appreciate it. It is a mind fuck to me because for about a year now, I've been in the top 0.51 % of all content creators on OnlyFans. Wow. And it freaks me out because it's like me and then the top porn stars, and they like are doing anal and stuff.

2:07:54That's overrated. You'll get there. We support small business here too. Red Band. Getting awfully chatty on this bucket pool. You going to invite her to the secret show, or are you going to pretend like you're shy about it over here? I already know from her OnlyFan bot that she's out of town Thursday. So next time. Is that true? I am out of town on Thursday, yeah. Oh, my God. Well, hey, I've got an idea. Oh, Dr. Phil. Well, a good friend of mine, Adam Ray Jew, is going to be here headlining the Mothership this weekend. You want to do a guest spot on one of the shows? Oh, my God, I would love to.

2:08:37There you go. Wow, look at that. There you go. Layla Engels. Wait, she just said she's not in town. Not in town. The bot doesn't lie. Well, what day? March 31st, 2039. No, this February 6th or 7th. That's this weekend? Is it Friday, Saturday? Yeah. Okay, well, I was going to... I'm just in Houston on Thursday. I'm co-headlining the riot, but I will come back and be here. Yeah, one of those just... There you go. Message, yeah, we'll figure it out. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it. Wow. Dr. Phil's gonna get a little Instagram DM tonight. I hope it goes to the actual Dr. Phil. Like, hey, can I still do guest spots this weekend?

2:09:24Like, what the hell? What is this girl? Robin, I swear I don't know the woman in the sweater. You know how I'm allergic to wool. Layla fun times. There she goes. Layla Ingalls, everybody. What an episode. We started with William Montgomery. We had the great Dedrick Flynn. Ari Matty is in Estonia, being the biggest celebrity in the history of his country. So you must be asking yourself, how do you close an episode that starts with William Montgomery, has three of the funniest comedians in the world on the panel, and I think there's only one option. This young buck came on the show, won a golden ticket, and then took over, just complete, full control.

2:10:19Became one of the most intimidating forces in the history of the show, so much so that I let him do whatever he wants. It's been a while since he's been on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the one and only Timmy No Breaks.

2:10:45All right. Big pop in the beginning. Listen, a lot of people have been saying, Timmy, no jokes this, Timmy, no jokes that. I know. I can write jokes. So I wrote a few jokes for you guys. I have a lot of nervous energy. but stand-up has given me a lot of confidence.

2:11:14Because sometimes after I get off stage, people come up to me and say, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B-cups.

2:11:29Oh, take notes, you fucking dumbass retards. It's pretty fucking easy.

2:11:38He's another one. Sam Jay, ladies and gentlemen. Whoo! She's a black lesbo, which means she doesn't eat pussy. She all hell knows on it.

2:11:58Relinquish my time. Wow, what the fuck? Wow. What's up, gay guys? How we doing, everybody? We good? Timmy motherfucking no breaks absolutely incredible oh thank you that I recognize some of that material well yeah Tony was a cover I mean what are you talking about in music we do covers I do a lot of music now I'm not just a comedian so it's totally normal to do covers the number one comedy album on iTunes. I am the... well, yeah. Number one comedy album on iTunes, but if you have an iPod shuffle, you're probably bumping that shit all the time. I bet you love my shit. Yep. Make some noise for my fucking album, you retard.

2:12:48There he is. No mercy, no breaks. Thank you. The only person that we should actually buckle up for. I totally agree. I totally agree with that. Thank you. Timmy, unbelievable oh look at this guy is this dr phil yeah what's up player hey teamy good to see you well good to see you too what kind of doctor are you that's a personal question but if you follow me on facebook i'll give you a couple of responses that might direct you towards what i uh have uh you know i haven't been practicing for quite some time tim but originally it was uh psychotherapy and then uh just social work stuff okay uh just kind of uh a lot of parenting oh so you're not You're not a gynecologist?

2:13:30You're fucking gay. You're gay. That's fucking gay. Little fun fact for you. That's your guy, way bigger pop. What the fuck is going on? I call him gay. I have seen a couple vaginas. Your wife's, right? Your wife's vagina? Every 4th of July, we try to spice things up. She brings a friend over. Usually somebody I follow on OnlyFans. Anyways, what else is going on, Tom? I was just going to say a little fun fact for you Kill Tony diehard fans out there. This is the first time in which Timmy No Breaks and Dr. Phil or any form of Dr. Phil have ever been on the same show at the same time. This is quite the eclipse.

2:14:11Very good. Yeah. It's like the traveling Wilburys or something like that. Two all-time greats all of a sudden. Wait a second. What is that? What are you talking? I mean, it grills. I'm doing good town. You have a grill now, too? Yeah, I'm making money. I'm doing good. I got a fucking entourage now. It's pretty good. You want to meet him? Yeah. Yeah, guys, come on out. You have an entourage? I got a fucking entourage. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Yeah, give it up for my fucking entourage, everybody. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh! Give it up for my fucking entourage. This is Le Dainty. He's my weed roller. This is Le Suiquel.

2:15:02He yells at waiters for me. This is my driver. I don't know who the fuck that guy is, but... This one's Johnny Drama. Everyone's black, except for that one... No, he's black. This is a black man. What are you fucking talking about? That Asian guy? Yeah. What does he do? teach English in Atlanta?

2:15:28Is that a callback? I don't know what that was. Well, anyways, we wanted to do a quick rap, if that's okay. I want you guys to hold off on doing any of the music, but I'm just going to start with a little bit of acapella, so here we go. Okay, acapella. Timmy No Breaks, who is obviously black now. Oh. He brought his own microphone. Is that hooked up? Shut the fuck up, Tony.

2:15:59Holy shit, I sound like Morgan J, and tone is really, really... Nigga! Whoa, what the fuck? What the fuck was that? Get the fuck out of here, guys. Tom, sorry, that's crazy. You never can say the M word, Tone, but... Jesus Christ, that was intense.

2:16:28I thought that was hilarious. Well, now I don't have an entourage. I need a fucking entourage. Who wants to be a part of my entourage? This guy, that black guy right there. I'm coming over there. Sorry, Tone, I gotta head over there. Give me a sec. Hey, John Dees, play the keys. There's no black guy over there. Hit me with a spotlight. Take all those peas, John. This guy is not fucking black. This guy's not black. I can't see shit. Everybody looks fucking black, all right? Look, do you still want to be in my entourage? Yes, I do. Okay, let's see if you can think on your feet. Do you think we should defund the police?

2:17:25No, we shouldn't. Let's get the camera to come in here and focus on his face. And for the crowd work clip, I want you to say yes. Please, man, can you stand right here?

2:17:55Now, do you think we should defund the police?

2:18:06No, I'm good. Can you sing him his Miranda rights? I'd have to read it off a card because I didn't go to college. Holy shit. You can be in my entourage. Shoot this guy in the fucking face. Where else do we go? Who wants to be in my entourage? Let me ask you. Let me ask you. Do you think I should have shot those people? Fuck no. You can't be in my entourage. You can't be in my entourage. Not in my entourage. By the way, if you don't want me to interact with you, lay down on the ground, face down. Okay, this guy's a big shot. Let me ask you a question. Do you know how to read? No, I don't. Fucking retard.

2:19:28Who knows how to read? This guy, this guy knows how to read. Can you read this? Timmy, stand on the other side of him so it's framed properly. Oh yeah, come here. Push it, get on his face. Thanks for the suggestion tone. Now shut the fuck up. Here we go. Read it. I have no gun. No, seriously, I have a gun. It's in my right pocket. I was able to sneak it in because I 3D printed it. Allah is the one true God. I found that person from my entourage. This guy's in my entourage. We have an entourage. Fuck your tone. Now, the only way that we could possibly wrap up a show Is with a song And the only person that can sing a song With Timmy No Bricks Is Redbit, just fucking kidding It's Dr.

2:20:41Phil Dr. Phil, hit it I wanna be in your entourage What do I have to do? I'll take you to the airport I'll even wipe your butt after you poo Well, you're not a gang ecologist But if it's between you and this old newspaper boy I choose you, I choose you You choose me I just love Holy shit Holy shit And let me see But this will stop I'm in your underarm I'm in your underarm I'm in your underarm I'll let you define Your love you still Timmy motherfucking no breaks Ladies and gentlemen and what can I say? He gets to do whatever he wants. He's earned it. By the way, that guy said he has a gun. Are we just gonna skip over that?

2:22:04Okay, shave your head, your back, you're pushing your breath. One more time for Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen. And how about his entourage, Dr. Phil, everybody, who is proudly endorsing the Who Is He Adam Ray Theater Tour. Get tickets at adamraycomedy.com. He's going to Australia, Canada, and all around America. One more time for Dr. Phil. And one more time for the great Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. Going to Philly, Lexington, Houston, all around Fitzdog Radio. That's F-I-T-Z dog. Or Fitzdog.com for tickets. And then one more time for the great Sal Volcano, everybody. He's going to Nashville, Tennessee.

2:22:51Doing the rhyming. SalvolcanoComedy.com is podcast Manoush and new episodes of the Unpractical Jokers every Thursday on TBS. We're going to the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California. A large state-of-the-art arena to make our return back to where Kill Tony started in LA. How exciting is that? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band. Check out Cap Red 7 on iTunes and Spotify. We love you guys. Fun times tonight. Did you guys have a good time? Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. Good night.

2:23:51Thank you.

2:24:35She's wide awake in her whiskey hole

2:24:51Bye.

2:25:17Thank you.

2:25:50Thank you.