#756 - JIM NORTON + IAN FIDANCE

9:58Brian Redban:What do you like to do after you smoke bongs?

10:01Jim Norton:Shit, Tony. Well, I need to be careful because I have all the plaque in my carotid artery now, which is very scary. That's why I've been doing the row machine. But I've been eating a bunch of vanilla ice cream again. I just eat it with chocolate chips. I get the little chocolate chips in the freezer, the mini ones, and I just put it all over the ice cream and I just eat that. I used to suck on the ice cream when I'm doing it and really enjoy it. Now I just eat bites of the ice cream with chocolate things on them. So I've been pigging out big time, Tony. That's why I have to do the row machine.

10:27Jim Norton:I feel like if I'm rowing 20 ,000 meters in a day, I'm allowed to eat a bunch of ice cream at night.

10:33Tony Hinchcliffe:I don't know what's real.

10:36Brian Redban:He is a wild boy. It's a wild way to start the show because William is kind of like a mythical creature. Almost all of it is untrue, but it's very entertaining. Normally on this show, I implore people, you know, talk about your real life. Talk about the truth. William is one of the extremely rare exceptions.

10:55Jim Norton:His real life is way too depressing.

11:01Brian Redban:Are you going to take that, William? Red Ben's been holding back the whole time, and then he drops a bomb out of nowhere. Yeah, no, he's kind of right. So, no, I have to say he's sadly a little right on that. But it's okay. I'm working on it. Well, William, you're super amazing. You're super silly. Everybody loves you, and it's a great way to start the damn show.

11:25Jim Norton:It's so nice to be here, Tony.

11:27Brian Redban:Is there anything you're passionate about this week? Just that motherfucking vanilla ice cream, Tony! We love it. William Lights Out Montgomery has struck again. And now we rotate over to the mystical bucket of destiny where absolutely anything can happen. This is where we meet people. This is where the crazy shit happens. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Zachariah Tourette's Tippett. Here we go. Here we go.

12:04Jim Norton:What's good, everybody? So my name is Zachariah Tippett. I have this cool thing called Tourette's Syndrome. And tonight, y 'all need to know that children are mean. I used to explain Tourette's syndrome as sort of a superpower. And then one kid stood up and yelled, what makes you think you'd be a superhero? You can't even win a game of hide and seek.

12:33Jim Norton:They emoted on me. So after a few Triple H moves later, I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. Fuck. Fuck. Now I'm a Walmart greeter. Fuck. Welcome. Fuck you. Fuck.

12:54Brian Redban:Thank you, everybody. Fuck. Fuck yeah. Fifty seconds of Zachariah Tourette's Tippett to start our bucket pools tonight. Welcome to the show, Zachariah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Talking to that mic right there.

13:08Jim Norton:I've been doing stand-up since October 2021.

13:13Brian Redban:2021. Have you been on the show before?

13:15Jim Norton:I have, I think about three or four times.

13:18Brian Redban:Okay. I somehow don't remember you. You had Tourette's then, too?

13:23Jim Norton:Yep. Still disabled.

13:25Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing. Do the words ever change?

13:30Jim Norton:Yes, they do. The first time I actually ever came on, you were really excited. We talked about the time I yelled the N-word. Oh, I love that. I'm from St. Louis, so. Oh, my goodness.

13:42Brian Redban:Yeah. I mean, I guess they have to give you the pass, right? Gold card, baby. But you've had to explain black people were around when you did that, when you said the N-word. Does talking about saying the N-word kind of make your Tourette's want to say the N-word right now?

14:00Tony Hinchcliffe:One letter comes after M. So wait a minute. So if I tell people I have Tourette's...

14:11Tony Hinchcliffe:I can watch a football game at a ball.

14:17i got a r word passed wow so yeah so were there black people around when you dropped the n-word

14:25Jim Norton:inst louis oh yeah um i i got beat up a lot and then one day our principal uh showed us a movie front of the class which is about a teacher with tourette syndrome and then everyone went oh he's He's not racist. He's just a little disabled.

14:43Brian Redban:Amazing.

14:44Tony Hinchcliffe:Must be great for dating, though. If you meet a girl, do you want to fuck? Go eat.

14:49Jim Norton:You're getting it right out of the way. You'd be surprised, but moms love this. That is amazing.

14:57Brian Redban:So give us another example of a time in which your Tourette's has caused a wild situation for you.

15:04Jim Norton:I yelled a four-letter word, my first time flying at an airport. that rhymes with mom. Wait, what?

15:12Brian Redban:Bomb. Oh, shit. So it's kind of like, is it kind of like whatever you shouldn't say in that situation? If you think about it, that's what you say? In a nutshell, there's a lot more to explaining, but we don't have the time for that. Right, wow.

15:27Tony Hinchcliffe:So if you're eating a pussy and it really smells and you yell, roses, she knows her pussy stinks.

15:32Jim Norton:No, I just go to the ass and say, you're next. Oh, hell yeah. Yo, my man. Fuck yeah.

15:40Tony Hinchcliffe:My man be eating that ass.

15:42Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Fuck, fuck, lick, lick. He'll go anywhere. I love it. I love it. So, Zachariah, do you have a job? What do you do for work? How do you make money?

15:54Jim Norton:I actually do content creating full-time, talk, YouTube, etc. and stream, and then I have a part-time weekend job at Chili's. Really?

16:03Brian Redban:which location is this chili oh my god there's going to be a line around the fucking block for people to go to Chili's we'll have to find out next episode they didn't pay me to advertise this okay okay they will they will retroactively give you money that I swear to god that Chili's will be out of control it's here in Austin? San Antonio. Okay. Everyone is going to go to every Chili's in San Antonio until we figure what the fuck is going on. I absolutely love this. So obviously you have this when you're serving customers. So for example, let's say there's Asian customers. Is there any chance that the Asian C word comes to the front of your brain?

16:54Jim Norton:I actually could. So I'm the reason why you have to wait 20 minutes because I flipped your food off.

16:58Brian Redban:Oh, amazing. You're not working front of house.

17:01Jim Norton:No.

17:02Brian Redban:Damn. I think that's what everybody wanted. That's what everybody pictured. What if we pay you extra?

17:11Tony Hinchcliffe:No offense, but I don't want you making my food either.

17:20Tony Hinchcliffe:Achoo!

17:20Jim Norton:Back, man.

17:24Jim Norton:But now you can go to that bar now. Oh, my God.

17:28Brian Redban:It's amazing. How long have you been cooking at Chili's?

17:31Jim Norton:I've been there probably about a year. Yeah.

17:34Brian Redban:Yeah. Okay. So do you get a little... It's physical, too, right? You get a little twitchy. You do.

17:41Jim Norton:Yep, doing the worm.

17:42Brian Redban:So sometimes you literally probably do, like, mess up cooking, and then you have to restart and stuff?

17:48Jim Norton:Yes.

17:49Brian Redban:Okay. What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun when you're not cooking or doing stand-up comedy?

17:54Jim Norton:Uh, mostly, I... Oh, yeah.

17:57Tony Hinchcliffe:Hell yeah, brother, my man. Fuck!

17:59Brian Redban:Yep, that makes... My man be fucking!

18:01Jim Norton:That makes five of us. We all like the fuck. And secondly, I mostly just made content at home. Like, I'm usually on TikTok a lot about answering questions about... You really do put the tick in TikTok. Yeah, exactly.

18:21Tony Hinchcliffe:Amazing. Respectfully. This is incredible. Word.

18:25Brian Redban:Yeah.

18:26Tony Hinchcliffe:Do you have words that cover up other words? Like, I've heard of guys with Tourette's, like, when they want to yell, they're like, nickels, nickels, and there's other replacement words that you trained yourself?

18:35Jim Norton:So that is sort of a manipulation you can do. Mine wasn't a verbal. Mine was a... So that's why you kind of see half of my face doing that instead of full. Driving like that's a game. Yeah.

18:48Tony Hinchcliffe:You always look like you're flirting.

18:53Brian Redban:Yeah, winking and saying fuck can be taken. You're in a rest area. That's incredible. So I wear the shirt so that's... That's smart. That is very smart. Let people know. Yeah. Let those people... Humans. Yes. Of all colors and sizes. Everyone. When you were a baby, did you do baby words? Like apple juice or something like that instead? Ba-ba-ba!

19:21Jim Norton:No, mine didn't develop until around eight years old.

19:24Brian Redban:Was there something that happened to you around that time in which this happens? Sat on your uncle's lap, perhaps, or something like that?

19:35Jim Norton:No, tits just normally develop between five to ten years old. Got it.

19:40Brian Redban:Got it. Very, very interesting. And have you... Is there, like, meet-up groups? Is there a place where a bunch of people with Tourette's get together? Because I want to go. Tourette's con. I want to go real bad. Tourette's con. Blend in. Really? Yep. Imagine a hundred people doing this. Oh, my God. And have you been to that before?

19:58Jim Norton:I have not. It's mostly in the UK, but they just started doing it over here in Texas and Dallas. And I think last year was the first.

20:06Tony Hinchcliffe:Hundreds of you together ticking, sounding like little minions together.

20:10Jim Norton:We congregate.

20:12Tony Hinchcliffe:Are there guys even in your group who you're like, wow, this guy's a fucking asshole?

20:18Jim Norton:Mostly the UK people have more of the verbal sentences, like, I'm going to punch you in the pussy. Like something random. I just have the one verbal tit, so mine's like mid-tier disabled. You look lucky.

20:31Brian Redban:Yeah.

20:32Jim Norton:In a sense, they have the cooler Tourette's to me, but I'll settle. I love that. And so they have meetup groups, and there's one in Dallas.

20:43Brian Redban:And why did you not go to that? It seems like, you know, as a TikToking ticker that you should, that you would be there.

20:52Jim Norton:It's more, it's not free to go to, so it is kind of like expensive. So that was the only reason why I couldn't go there.

20:59Brian Redban:That's fucked up. Yeah, you have to have fuck you money to be able to do it. How much, I'm just curious, how much does it cost to go to Tourette's con?

21:12Jim Norton:It's a few hundred to go there. And plus, that's not including travel and staying. That's a Tourette's con job. Bullshit, dude. It's just Comic-Con for disabled people.

21:22Tony Hinchcliffe:Do they have a non-Tourette's person make the reservation?

21:26Jim Norton:That's above my disabled level to know.

21:28Tony Hinchcliffe:Because I imagine the hotel wouldn't really...

21:30Jim Norton:No. Not unless you're entertainment or Billie Eilish.

21:33Tony Hinchcliffe:Are there like Tourette's... Do you guys like fuck with each other? because it's, I imagine like finding someone is hard so if you link up with like a hot Tourette's chick that must just be like

21:44Jim Norton:Oh yeah, we both drink Red Bulls and we're vibrators

21:50Brian Redban:What's dating like? I mean, can you take us through it?

21:54Jim Norton:It's mostly, I guess, just like everyone else, just a little bit louder That's basically the best generic answer I can give

22:02Brian Redban:Are you like Amy Poehler in Deuce Bigelow? What is she like in that movie? That's been 29 years, so you'll have to catch the people up there. What did you watch it today?

22:14Tony Hinchcliffe:Rob Schneider. Come on.

22:17Brian Redban:Yeah, it's been a while. What does her character do?

22:20Tony Hinchcliffe:When he takes her to a baseball game, so her Tourette's helps her heckle the other team. Ah, got it. I can't be the only one that likes Geek Bigelow. Hey, is she like Stella in Streetcar Named Desire?

22:40Brian Redban:Zachariah, very fun set An amazing interview Here's a big joke book coming at ya Boom There you go, Zachariah Tourette's Tippett Tourette's is in the name So if you're wondering why Eight minutes of the interview Had to do with Tourette's It's in his name There's the lovely Heidi, everybody Her podcast, Love on the Line is available at HeidiRegina.com.

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23:35Brian Redban:This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Listeners, think back to a first date where you were really interested in someone. You probably asked them important questions like, what are you looking for? What are your deal breakers? So you could get a better idea of whether or not this was the right person for you. Well, the same goes if you're hiring. You definitely want to address key questions first to see if someone could be right for your role. That's why you need ZipRecruiter. When you post your job, ZipRecruiter suggests screening questions to help you hone in on top candidates faster. And today you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony.

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25:07Jim Norton:Happy New Year, everybody. Since it's a new year, I decided to make new rules for myself. My newest rule is I decided I'm going to stop dating women with cats. Yeah, it's tough because I don't know if y 'all knew this, but women with cats are the biggest hoes out here. And it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her. Like, my ex used to have a cat, and it's weird, because I'm trying to be a good guy, but clearly she loves abuse, because, like, every time she would feed her cat, her cat would just beat her ass. I'm like, God damn.

25:42Jim Norton:And I'm jealous. I'm like, damn, I want her to cook for me, so I figure if I want some food, I gotta keep it even with the cat. I didn't hit her, but what I did do was gaslight her and knock shit over from time to time. And it's not for the best reasons. It's not because I hate cats. It's not because I hate cat women. I'm just allergic. Yeah, and I don't think women respect how hard it is to have sex on Benadryl. That's my time, y 'all. Quentin Jones.

26:11Brian Redban:Quentin Jones. Welcome, Quentin. Is this your first time on the show? No, it's my second time. Second time.

26:17Jim Norton:Second time up here, man.

26:18Brian Redban:Welcome back. Tell people, why is it hard? I don't know. I've never taken Benadryl. Why?

26:23Jim Norton:Because you get sleepy.

26:24Brian Redban:Oh, okay.

26:25Jim Norton:Yeah, so it's like you on the clock when you take that Benadryl. You know what I'm saying? So literally one time I was with my ex and, you know, I took the Benadryl and it just kicked in, like, too soon.

26:36Brian Redban:You fell asleep on top of her.

26:37Jim Norton:No, in her crotch, even worse.

26:40Brian Redban:Wow.

26:40Jim Norton:Yeah. So I woke up and she was gone. It was just her cat looking me in the face. Got it.

26:48Tony Hinchcliffe:Amazing.

26:49Jim Norton:Yeah, man. Amazing.

26:50Tony Hinchcliffe:Jim Norton? I was, I'm so happy when they said your name. I was like, oh, no, Krestlove has AIDS.

26:58Tony Hinchcliffe:Uh... Damn it, I had a feeling I was gonna bomb. Not as bad as my Deuce Bigelow life.

27:05Brian Redban:No, but at least yours wasn't topical. Mine was topical. Quentin, uh, how old are you? 34. 34. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up seven years. Seven years? And how do you make money?

27:18Jim Norton:How do I make money? I don't at the moment.

27:21Brian Redban:How are you surviving?

27:23Jim Norton:So I used to work in tech. Last time we talked about me working in tech, but since I got laid off, so I'm just living off of savings.

27:30Brian Redban:How much do you have saved exactly? It's a question I love to ask on this show. In fact, I don't ask it enough. This is the only show I think in all of entertainment where that question ever gets asked. And I find it to be the most compelling goddamn question out there because everybody can relate. No wonder he hates.

27:48Jim Norton:How much do you think I have, Tony?

27:50Brian Redban:I would guess$7 ,000.

27:54Jim Norton:$7 ,000? Okay, double it. Okay. I got about$14 ,000 saved up.

27:59Brian Redban:$14 ,000.

28:00Jim Norton:$14 ,000.

28:01Brian Redban:I love it. So give us an example. You're seven years into comedy. There's a lot of ways to save money and be thrifty.

28:09Jim Norton:Yeah.

28:10Brian Redban:Let's have a little segment called Getting Thrifty with Quentin Jones.

28:14Jim Norton:Getting Thrifty with Quentin Jones.

28:15Brian Redban:Can I get a song for it? How are you extending your money?

28:17Jim Norton:How do I extend my money? So the funniest way right now is I eat less. Oh, look at that. You hear this, Red Band? No, you don't. Yeah. So since being unemployed, I've actually lost 50 pounds.

28:33Tony Hinchcliffe:Oh, very nice. That's great. I was wondering what happened after you left the roots.

28:36Jim Norton:Yeah.

28:39Tony Hinchcliffe:I had to do the old-fashioned way.

28:41Jim Norton:I couldn't afford Ozempic. No insurance anymore. But yeah, I know this. Whenever I say I lose 50 pounds, people don't clap. And I know why. It's because I used to be over 300 pounds. And when you're over 300 pounds and lose 50 pounds, it just looks like you took one good shit. So. Wow. But so I eat less. I walk more. So I do a lot of cardio. I actually started a fitness page where I run half marathons called Q Don't Stop. So if you guys want to see my fat ass run, you can follow me there.

29:10Brian Redban:Okay. Ian, is there something you wanted to say there?

29:13Jim Norton:Do you walk more because you can't afford a car? I can afford a car. I can't afford all the other shit that goes with the car.

29:21Brian Redban:Gas and whatnot?

29:23Jim Norton:Registration, insurance.

29:25Brian Redban:Ah, the stuff that the police ask people.

29:27Jim Norton:Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I definitely have. These are jokes.

29:33Brian Redban:Okay, so you're not driving that much. And what's your plan to get ahead and start making money here? You know. How much is rent a month?

29:41Jim Norton:So my rent is$1 ,100.

29:44Brian Redban:Okay. That's low.

29:46Jim Norton:You have roommates? No.

29:47Brian Redban:You live by yourself and$1 ,100 a month?

29:50Jim Norton:I do.

29:51Brian Redban:Is that a studio?

29:52Jim Norton:One bedroom.

29:54Brian Redban:Okay.

29:54Jim Norton:Yeah, rent in Austin is going down.

29:56Brian Redban:Is it far away from downtown?

29:58Jim Norton:Two miles. So I walk here a lot. Like if I have spots, I literally walk here.

30:02Brian Redban:I love it. Yeah. Okay. All right. Great. So that means that you have about a year. A year. Six months. Until you run out of money. So what's the plan? What are you good at?

30:15Jim Norton:What am I good at? I am still good at tech. So AI is just killing a lot of our jobs. So I'm learning how to use AI to get back into tech. Hopefully something happens with stand-up comedy. This is my dream. This is what I want to do. I don't want to go back to tech. Or, you know, my fitness page blows up. because there's a lot of people who have pages who just make money running and just working out. So those are my three hopes. That's what I want to have happen. Got it.

30:39Tony Hinchcliffe:Your writing is very good. I like that the whole thing was linear. It was all about the same thing. The writing was...

30:44Jim Norton:Oh, thank you. I appreciate that, especially from you. I'm a big fan.

30:47Tony Hinchcliffe:Thank you.

30:48Jim Norton:Yeah. Hell yeah.

30:49Brian Redban:So other than cats, what's your love life like?

30:52Jim Norton:What's my love life? Right now, not very good. I actually got more pussy when I was fat. I don't understand. Ah, interesting. I don't either. Yeah, so I was dating somebody last year until about November, and I broke up just because of the distance, because of the gas. And so I've just been kind of...

31:13Brian Redban:What's your type? What type of thick white women are you into?

31:16Jim Norton:Oh, no. See, I'm from Detroit.

31:19Brian Redban:That's the Texas black guy thing. Oh. Detroit, you're into real black women.

31:24Jim Norton:Yeah, I'm into real black women. You know, give me about 5 '7", 150 to 190. Is that their credit score that you're talking about?

31:36Brian Redban:Amazing. Amazing. So your last black girl, how long has it been since you had one of those? What, you said my last black one? Yeah, the last time you hooked up with a black woman.

31:47Jim Norton:That was the girl I broke up with.

31:49Brian Redban:Okay, why'd you break up with her?

31:51Jim Norton:Like I said, the distance, you know, and, yeah.

31:54Brian Redban:Just distance.

31:55Jim Norton:Where was she at? She's in Dallas.

31:56Brian Redban:Well, I mean, you could have gone up there for the Tourette's convention. Yeah. Very explicit. Yeah, did you talk to the Tourette's guy back there?

32:04Jim Norton:Did he say anything? I tried. He stuttered. Yeah. He was biting his lip.

32:12Jim Norton:They're not used to seeing black people here. He was like, b-b-b-b-b-nigga. That's what he said, actually. I love it.

32:18Brian Redban:You're really funny. Thank you. I appreciate that, man. So Quentin, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life that we would find interesting.

32:28Jim Norton:That's always a tough one, Tony. Last time we talked about me being a college cheerleader. And yeah, I was here with Shane Gillis and we talked about that. I like to play board games. I'm a really big nerd.

32:41Brian Redban:Oh, what kind of board games?

32:43Jim Norton:So literally before I got called up, we were playing Settlers of Catan next door.

32:47Brian Redban:Oh, wow.

32:47Jim Norton:Yeah, so I started a board game group with some friends because there's not a lot of board game groups where I feel like I fit in. So I just went and started my own.

32:57Brian Redban:That's amazing. And how do people find your fitness contact?

33:03Jim Norton:So it's Q Don't Stop. That's my fitness run page on TikTok and Instagram.

33:08Brian Redban:There you go. Quinton Jones, everybody. Fun times, Quinton. Congratulations. Good set. Fun interview. Here's a big joke book. Boom. There you go. All right, we're moving forward. We're keeping it moving here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucketful goes by the name of CJ Kieserman, everyone. CJ Kieserman. Here he is.

33:32Ian Fidance:You know what degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down when he sees your car pull up? Hey, you guys too, huh? Yeah, how about me on my way here? I pulled off on Fifth Street, and this homeless guy just... Ooh. Maybe homeless, but they're not dumb. I rolled my window down, tried giving him money. He tried handing me a water bottle. That's how bad it is for me. Seriously. I drive a really old, beat-up 2002 Honda CR-V. It's been rear-ended probably as many times as Tony. Yeah.

34:09Ian Fidance:I'm also, like, dumb broke, though. Like, I won't even buy a Powerball ticket until it's at least at$1 billion. Am I going to risk$5 for$20 million, you know? Like, what's that really going to do for me? Happy Black History Month, guys, for those who celebrate. Not this guy, apparently. It's okay. Still got like a week and a half left.

34:32Brian Redban:All right, I'll just end it there. Thank you. Okay, CJ Kaiserman. Nothing really worked except for the thing about me. Do you do that at, like, open mics? Does that work for you out in regular public when I'm not here? The homeless joke I start with usually does better. It does better. Why do you think the homeless jokes didn't go good here tonight for you?

34:56Ian Fidance:Not a lot of homeless people in here.

34:59Brian Redban:That makes sense. Normally it works in front of the other homeless people. Yeah. All right. How long have you been on stand-up, CJ?

35:07Ian Fidance:I did it for about a year back home.

35:09Brian Redban:I've been pretty lazy since moving here. Where's back home? Spokane, Washington. And what made you lazy when you moved to a place where comedy exists at more than one venue?

35:18Ian Fidance:I actually moved down here saying I'd do more comedy, and then I just haven't really been signing up for more mics. I started a business, an online business, and it sort of just took off, and I've been investing all the time. Ooh, what's the business? I sell football cards online. Football memorabilia cards. Sort of. It's super niche. It's called breaking, if anybody's done anything.

35:39Brian Redban:Just keep explaining. Keep explaining it.

35:41Ian Fidance:It's okay.

35:42Brian Redban:Nobody knows what the fuck that is.

35:44Ian Fidance:No, nobody knows what the fuck that is. So like, there's boxes of football cards, Pokemon cards, whatever sports it is. And, you know, I buy a bunch of boxes and I sell the teams. So if somebody buys a team, like the Cowboys or the Texans, and then you just get all the cards for your team out of the boxes there. So instead of spending$400 on all the boxes, you're spending 20, 30 bucks on your team. You just, you know, get all the autograph cards and rare cards and rookie cards for that team. Is that why you also have a haircut from 1992?

36:07Brian Redban:too. Yeah. I came after. When that haircut was popular, Deuce Bigelow was in theaters.

36:15Tony Hinchcliffe:Thank you. That's a huge bitch.

36:23Brian Redban:Amazing. So CJ, what was it like growing up in Spokane? Not great.

36:30Ian Fidance:It's kind of moved here. It's cold up there. I got down here to avoid the snow and ice, and then we got that crazy week with it. but we have one comedy club, just the Spokane Comedy Club. And you guys have actually done Kill Tony there when you were touring years and years ago. A long time ago. But yeah, there's like, you know, random bars and stuff, kind of similar to here. Scene's not great, but the comedy club's okay. Two mics a week.

36:52Brian Redban:How long have you been in Austin? Seven months. Seven months. Yeah. And so you've just been buying boxes of cards and kind of organizing them and divvying them up and sending them off. Yeah, that's what we're going to call it, yeah. How much money do you think you're making doing that? Give me a ballpark here. A lot. Can you just give us a guesstimate here? What's a lot to you? You said$20 million couldn't possibly change anything in your life. That's fair.

37:19Ian Fidance:I really don't like talking about how much I make. I did$72K in sales last month. What?

37:24Brian Redban:Wow. Yeah, but what is that profit? Yeah, how much?

37:29Ian Fidance:Profit margin is about 40%, so it's like$25K to$30K profit.

37:32Brian Redban:Okay.

37:33Ian Fidance:Yeah, it's like after. Quentin, are you kidding me?

37:35Tony Hinchcliffe:Hire the last guy. He's only got$14 ,000 to his name. Yeah. I do need employees eventually, so we'll see. He'll cut down on Shippy. He'll just walk for cars with somebody.

37:49Brian Redban:Amazing. CJ, what's your love life like? Nothing going on there. I've been single for a while. Have you been on any dates since you've been to Austin?

37:58Ian Fidance:Yeah, I've been on... I'm actually kind of talking to this girl right now.

38:02Brian Redban:Where'd you meet her at? At BJ's. BJ's? It's a restaurant, guys. Yeah. Okay.

38:08Tony Hinchcliffe:It's a good sign.

38:09Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah, I bet. They got some Tourette's chefs over there at BJ's, that's for sure. So you met her at BJ's? You're just sitting at the bar having a drink?

38:17Ian Fidance:My friend and I went in for the pizookies,$5 pizookies on Tuesday. What?

38:22Brian Redban:Wow. Okay. Well, Red Band has got a new Tuesday plan. Red Band would like that one. $5 pizookies? Yeah. What the fuck?

38:30Ian Fidance:What's a pizookie? It's a pizza ice cream cookie.

38:33Brian Redban:It's like a... Ooh, wow. Normally, if you make those yourself, you could go to a place where it's made for you. It's in a skillet, too, right?

38:45Brian Redban:Oh, Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Okay, so you're there looking for Pizookie, and you end up getting...

38:52Ian Fidance:And she, yeah, she's our server. I was with my best friend, my roommate, Nick, and she just was coming over, and I was making her laugh a lot, cracking jokes and whatnot.

39:01Brian Redban:What jokes were you doing there? Why don't we get some of your pizookie jokes? Give us an example of one of the jokes that got you pussy at pizookies.

39:14Ian Fidance:I wish I could remember. I mean, I think she just liked me. She was just laughing. It probably wasn't funny at all. She probably just liked me and was laughing. That's probably right.

39:23Brian Redban:I couldn't tell you what they were. It's a shame none of those girls were in this audience. Amazing. So you won her over and then what? You took her back to your place? No. And she's like, why are there fucking football cards everywhere? That's cool.

39:39Tony Hinchcliffe:You live with your little brother.

39:42Ian Fidance:My room is just literally packed with football cards. My roommate calls it the anti-huzz room. It's bad.

39:48Brian Redban:I love it. But there you go. You're bringing your little piece of bouzouki back there. And then what happens? Do you tell her before she gets there?

39:55Tony Hinchcliffe:Like, there's a lot of cars. Yeah. I give her one.

39:57Ian Fidance:I said, before we go in here, It's going to look weird. But no, I got her phone number at the restaurant. And then, like, at midnight, I texted her after we left. And then... Right after you left? Yeah. Very smart. Yeah, yeah. Immediately. What's that?

40:14Tony Hinchcliffe:What'd you text her?

40:16Ian Fidance:I just... When I got home, I texted her. And then she was like, hey, I'm off at midnight if you want to hang out. And I was like, let's go. And we drove all the way to Bucky's, like, right after she got work. Look at that. To Bastrop? Yeah. Is that the one? I'm new here, sorry. Is that the one that went? Yes. Yeah, it's that way.

40:31Brian Redban:Hey, you got it right. Yeah. No doubt about it. If you just walk 30 miles that way, you're going to land straight on Bucky's doorstep. Yeah. Okay. I love that for a first date. You could learn a lot about somebody. Can you take us through what the first date of Bucky's was like?

40:50Ian Fidance:She told me she's a biter, which... What? That's interesting. She hasn't bit me yet. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. means your dick's not big enough

41:05Brian Redban:she told you she was a biter you're just walking around bucky's and she drops that out of nowhere this is in the car this is in the car on the way to bucky's she told me like she gets over stimulated and will like bite people she's like gave like she gave me a warning she's like yeah

41:17Ian Fidance:if i get too over stimulated excited i might bite you and i was like how old is she yeah 14 no um 22. 22.

41:29Brian Redban:How old are you?

41:29Ian Fidance:I'm 23.

41:30Brian Redban:Okay. Yeah. So you get to Bucky's, then what happens? Did you buy something? What'd you buy at Bucky's? I tried putting her on the fudge. You guys like Bucky's fudge? I don't know why you keep asking them. Just focus on the answers to the questions. Yes, Red Band likes fudge. Keep going.

41:47Ian Fidance:I, yeah, tried putting her on Bucky's fudge. She did not want it, and we ended up getting just some random snacks. She's black, and so...

41:54Brian Redban:Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. And you're like, you must like the fudge. Oh, so she's a biter.

42:10Brian Redban:Wow. This is amazing. I wouldn't have guessed that the girl you went for was a black girl. What does that mean? Is it the haircut? Well, you're from Spokane, where normally black people are, you just put a cross on fire in their front yard. Spokane is a KKK hub. I know. I visit there every year. That's Idaho.

42:34Brian Redban:Okay, so you take her to Bucky's. You offer her the fudge. You just got some snacks. And then what? You take her back to your place?

42:40Ian Fidance:No, I just dropped her off and that was it. Okay. At her house? Yeah.

42:47Brian Redban:Get the fuck out of the house. But you hooked up with her since then?

42:51Ian Fidance:No, no.

42:52Brian Redban:We're taking things slowly, no. You didn't fuck a girl that let you take her to Buc-ee's on the first day? No, dude, we both love Jesus. She hit you up after work, and you just took her to a big-ass gas station and then dropped her off at home? He really is from Spokane.

43:12Brian Redban:Wow. So it just fizzled out, just like your set. Yeah. Just no real closing or anything. Well, that's my time. Thank you. No, Tony, that was way more interesting than it said. Did she say anything at the end of this date when you dropped her off? Was there any, like, last words?

43:32Ian Fidance:Not besides the biting thing, no. When was this? This was November. We hung out today, guys.

43:40Brian Redban:What did you do today? We went to... The Chevron.

43:52Brian Redban:Amazing. CJ, fun times. You are leaving here with a medium black chokebook. CJ Heiserman, everybody.

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44:20Brian Redban:hello there, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify starting something new isn't just hard it's terrifying so much work goes into this thing that you're not entirely sure will work out trust me, I know when I started this podcast I wasn't even sure what I was doing. What if no one listens? What if I make an idiot out of myself? Who's going to want to watch an open mic? Now, I know I was right in believing in myself and launching this podcast, despite all the fears and hesitations. And it also helps to have a partner like Shopify and RedBan on your side. Tony, I love Shopify. They're the conference platform behind millions of businesses around the world.

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45:34Brian Redban:Let's keep it moving along, see what happens next. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Matt Banwart. Matt Banwart, everybody. Here he is.

45:45Tony Hinchcliffe:I got two degrees and four years in college. Brag. I was always bad at school. What I realized is instead of, in order to take advanced classes, you had to take arts appreciation, a global perspective, and a social diversity course. and I realized there's a glitch in the scheduling software. By chance, dance appreciation counted as all three. So I thought about it, and I was like, man, I could take feminism one, two, and three, or I could study how to be great at parties. My friends hate it. They're like, Matt, you're cheating your education. I was like, yeah, that's the point. I'm the one paying for it.

46:22Tony Hinchcliffe:I remember one day I walk in, my roommate, he's like sitting on his desk, he's furious, he's like typing, he's like, I have to do a 10-page paper right now on fragile masculinity. And I was like, oh, hoo-hoo. He was like, no, dude, you don't know what fragile masculinity is. That's when men are too afraid to be seen as a feminist to put themselves through trials and tribulations, arbitrarily living lives of suffering. I was like, damn, that's tough. This is the mashed potato. This is what I've been doing all month. I'm not even good at it. All right, that was my minute.

46:55Brian Redban:Okay, Matt Banwart doing a little lightning fast. poetry about his college years. That was fun. Okay, fun for you. Audible booze, just what I was hoping for. Alright, Matt, here we are in the interview portion now.

47:11Tony Hinchcliffe:Took a lone walk, wasn't worth it. What? Took a lone walk.

47:15Brian Redban:Oh, during your set. Yeah, to do one big one, not worth it. Alright, Matt, we'll talk about that in just a second. So let's get into it, Matt. First of all, you guys have anything you want to say right off the gut? No. It's very fair. Check in with Jim Norton.

47:33Tony Hinchcliffe:You seem a little nervous. Like, it happens sometimes, but you... No, I have hand tremors. It's a medical condition. I shake all the time. A way to humiliate both of us.

47:42Brian Redban:Wow, so you didn't even give a fuck what was going on up here. You're just always shaky like that.

47:47Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, I shake all the time.

47:49Brian Redban:Should have come out with hot coffee. That would have been hilarious.

47:53Tony Hinchcliffe:They wouldn't let me bring the water on stage. It was a hazard.

47:56Brian Redban:Amazing. I didn't notice the hand. I thought the set was shaky without it. So, Matt, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Ten years. Shut the fuck up, dude. For the first time ever, I'm going to say, as an answer to that question, I don't believe you. Where have you been doing it for ten years?

48:14Tony Hinchcliffe:Can I just say real quick, Deep Madness made such a noise, I thought he could suddenly see.

48:20Brian Redban:He audibly gasped. He gets loud. D Madness does not like a lack of punchlines. He loves his role on this show. He loves his job. He feels... I've been hanging out with D Madness after the shows for the first 20 minutes. Mitzi's right as soon as we're done. And I've learned, especially recently more than ever, this guy literally is more in touch than anybody at all times. It's kind of wild. I'm not surprised, but it is so interesting. And so a fun fact, my point. is that during the show, what you guys can't hear or sometimes see is Deep Madness scoffs relentlessly when someone's not great. God damn son of a fucker.

49:07Brian Redban:Shit ass motherfucker. Underneath his breath, but we can hear it, but it's not loud enough for it to go to the mic. He said 10 years, Deep Madness went, oh, lol. Very fair. It's a constant, it's like our own little background soundtrack. Not even mad. We used to have D have his own mic, but it's like a little bit too much sometimes when I'm trying to dig someone out of an interview or something like that. But we've learned that it's our own fun thing to have back there. D Madness. How about a hand for D Madness, everybody? The backbone. The absolute backbone. Which brings us back to Matt Banwar.

49:50Brian Redban:Ten years, where were you doing these ten years at?

49:54Tony Hinchcliffe:First, three and a half were in Iowa, and then Chicago, and now here. How long ago did you move here? Two, a little over two years ago. A little over two years.

50:03Brian Redban:And you've been working at mics and stuff? You go up a lot? You perform a lot?

50:08Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, I travel. I do mics at these shows, yeah.

50:10Brian Redban:Do you have, like, a best joke you've ever written in ten years that you could do for us? Like a short little fucking banger? There must be something. Ten? Yeah, I can do something. Here he is, doing something other than whatever the fuck that was. Just doing one joke for us, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Banwar. Give him a hand, everybody. Ten years.

50:33Tony Hinchcliffe:I don't know. I don't trust guys who climb rocks because they call it a climbing gym. That's not a gym. A gym is where people go to be hot, you know? No girls have been like, ooh, what's my dream, man? String bean body? Massive wrists. No one's ever fantasized about girthy digits. You know what, we'll just end it there. This isn't going well. Okay. So Matt, let's... I can read the room. I've lost all inertia. Jim Norton? I mean, it's a rough go. Like... No, that's very fair. I understand. Like, after a bad set, it's hard, because the audience loses a little bit of faith. It's common for all of us.

51:09Tony Hinchcliffe:So then you do another joke, and they're like, oh, this is not going to be good. In that case, they were right. But I know... I empathize with you, and we've all been there. Just not for this long in a row.

51:19Brian Redban:Matt, maybe there's something more that I can dig out of you about your real life here. So let's go over it. How do you make money, Matt? You're not going to like this. Uh-oh. I do stand-up. You make a living doing stand-up. It's hard to believe, but yes. Okay, so where do you do this at?

51:40Tony Hinchcliffe:I just play the worst cities. I just did a run. I just did Tulsa, Wichita, Rogers, Arkansas.

51:46Brian Redban:So let's take a one at a time just because I'm curious because I've done this, right? I started headlining shows about whatever, 15 years ago or whatever. So I was in Tulsa and I know that it's hard to sell tickets if no one knows who you are. So how do you sell tickets at Tulsa? You doing a comedy club?

52:03Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, I do. I do a lot of small rooms, a lot of like breweries and stuff. But what I do is I make videos for every city I go to. so I do like top spots to rip Sigs in Tulsa or like like it's like parody reviews so you get

52:15Brian Redban:there and then you make a video while you're there no I do it before I do a lot of research

52:19Tony Hinchcliffe:at a time I do like top spots take a drunk piss and people kind of find them relatable and usually I get the videos right and then people like hey we should go see this guy live and the shows usually

52:27Brian Redban:go better than this right and there's like ballpark how many people in these small rooms

52:33Tony Hinchcliffe:I'm doing just like 50 to 70 seaters right now.

52:36Brian Redban:And what are you selling tickets for? What do you mean? How much do you sell tickets for? $20 a piece. $20 a piece? That's pretty standard, yeah. Pretty standard for someone that is a professional that can sell tickets. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And the club takes a cut of that, right? Yeah. Right. So what do you think you walked out of Tulsa with? Come on. I mean... You must admit it's an interesting question.

53:08Tony Hinchcliffe:I shouldn't have talked about college because now I'm just doing an accounting class up here. And that's... You can just give us a ballpark. 500 bucks? Yeah. But I do it between like four shows, though. So I do like a full run. Okay.

53:19Brian Redban:But you did one in Tulsa or four in Tulsa? I just did one in Tulsa. Okay. So then you have to drive to the next city, right? Yeah. Okay. You are looking inside of his soul. This is interesting, I think, for the people to hear. He's shaped.

53:34Tony Hinchcliffe:No, we did that last time. It's okay. This is every conversation I have with my parents. Oh, you've done this before? You were on the show before. Yeah, it did way better last time. Oh, okay. I mean, the ceiling's pretty low right now. Let's be real here.

53:45Brian Redban:The ceiling's the same height as it was last time you were on. Very funny. Very funny. Okay. So, Matt, what's something interesting about your life that we don't know about you before I let you go?

53:56Tony Hinchcliffe:I talked about college. I was a sorority president in college. All right. Yeah. How do you get that job? I was the president of the stand-up comedy club, and you registered it as a sorority. And they never corrected it. It was never checked. And the best part was our initials, stand-up comedy club, S-U-C-C, we were suck house. You still are. Yeah. That's it.

54:21Brian Redban:Did you get a little joke book last time you were on? No, I got a big joke book. You got a big one? Well, guess what, buddy? You're going the wrong direction. There goes Matt Banward, everybody. Let's get one more bucket pool up here. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Orhan Lemore, everybody. Orhan. Here comes Orhan. Oh, yeah.

54:48Ian Fidance:How are you guys? It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Because he's more successful than me. I'm like, I've never fucking done comedy. I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my life than right now. It's, okay, they're laughing. I, like, I shat myself, but just went inside, back in there, I can actually do stuff. I'm from Turkey. It's not a happy place. You know, the state motto is, if you're happy and you know it, give it back. Right now. It doesn't look like it's really funny. But I was there for two years. Like, I lived in LA for a long time. Then I moved back there.

55:32Ian Fidance:And then I came back here. And I'm, like, in this time, I realized how to make America great again, actually. What you do is you go live in Turkey for two years. And then you come back. And it's fucking spectacular again.

55:48Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah. Yeah.

55:54Ian Fidance:Stop it, dude. This is gonna fucking go to my head now. Now it's the opposite. Now I think, oh, my God, I will quit at the top. I don't want to do comedy again. It's never gonna beat us. It's good. Yeah. Yeah, meow or whatever.

56:09Brian Redban:There it is. Yeah, you got it. You got it. The laughter was so loud, you missed the meow. I held off the bear because I wanted to see where you were going with it. Very funny. Orhan Limmer? Am I saying that right? timmer okay talking to the mic there i don't know how it works in turkey but there you go voice voice only orhan that was an unbelievably great set just acknowledging the temperature of the room having common sense like a 10-year veteran would have uh how long have you been doing stand-up orhan uh nine years really oh amazing i thought you were doing a joke about how you've been doing it one year and then nine years that are at that but okay That makes sense too.

56:52Brian Redban:Nine years. Very funny.

56:54Ian Fidance:Thank you. I appreciate it.

56:55Brian Redban:How much of that's in America?

56:57Ian Fidance:So like seven of it is America. Amazing. Two in Turkey.

57:01Brian Redban:Where did you go when you first arrived to America?

57:06Ian Fidance:Orange County, but like Los Angeles. You know, where I started comedy is my, I always say LA because, you know, it's where I started. Perfect.

57:17Brian Redban:What made you pick LA?

57:19Ian Fidance:I mean, I was already in Orange County. you could move there with a U-Haul.

57:22Brian Redban:Got it. Yeah. What made you pick Orange County as a landing spot?

57:29Ian Fidance:I studied film, unfortunately, which...

57:32Brian Redban:That makes sense. It does not at all for money reasons. But yeah, I went there and then, you know, I got sick of L.A. Yeah.

57:41Ian Fidance:So, yeah.

57:42Tony Hinchcliffe:What is the scene in Turkey like for stand-up? Can I ask? Great question.

57:45Ian Fidance:Oh, it's... You do it in English and in Turkish. Turkish, but the thing is like in English you can talk about the government which is nice because they don't fucking get it. Ah. You can, yeah. But Turkish, I have this special that I shot and I haven't edited it yet because if I put it up I'll probably never go back again. Right. So there's that little thing.

58:11Brian Redban:So tell us what is it like over in Turkey? Like, what are some of the day-to-day things that make it, you know, dangerous and not fun?

58:21Ian Fidance:I mean, like, I had this joke about, like, compared to Halloween, like, instead of Halloween, like, trick-or-treat, they play this game called money or stab the children.

58:34Ian Fidance:I'm seriously afraid of children here, because sometimes I'll see children here with bats, and they're just trying to get better at sports. but I'm like, I always think they're coming for me because the thing is, like, when there's big dudes and you, like, hurt them, people will, like, you know, people will be like, ah, he was trying to hurt you, so you hurt them back, it's fine. But, like, when you hurt kids and you go to prison, they're like, ah, this guy killed a kid. So there's that fear. None of these are my real life.

59:03Tony Hinchcliffe:These are psychological.

59:05Ian Fidance:That's amazing.

59:06Tony Hinchcliffe:I think you're super likable. You already hear your voice already, like your demeanor. It's so funny. And you just said when you kill kids and people are like, yeah, yeah.

59:17Ian Fidance:You need an accent to kill kids. Otherwise, it's like people are like, oh.

59:22Brian Redban:Speak more young Turkish. I like it. How old are you, Orhan? I'm 33 years old. 33 and did you serve in the Turkish military at 18?

59:32Ian Fidance:No, because you can't get out of it. How did you get out of it? So there's two ways to get out of it. One, you have to be gay and prove it. Oh, hell yeah. Here's the thing. Also, here's what people don't know. That's why I never joined the military. No, no. Let the room laugh for a second. That's not how it is. No, no, no. I am straight. No, no, no. Here's what I would say. Shut up. You don't know me. Here's the thing. You don't know me. You don't have to lie. I'm the only straight person here, probably. OK, listen. So if you're gay and you have to send them tape because they want proof video, they actually do.

1:00:12Ian Fidance:This is true. I'm not making this up. I'm not this creative. Wow. But blowjobs don't count, which some people send blowjob videos and still went. So the other way, the other way is you have to work in America for three years. That's what I did. I did shitty jobs.

1:00:26Brian Redban:So one way of getting out of the military is sending a video of a man absolutely buttfucking you, and the other option is going to the greatest country on planet Earth and making money and working for three years?

1:00:43Ian Fidance:Because they figure, like, corporate America also makes your asshole yay big.

1:00:53Brian Redban:Unbelievable. We've looked it up. What he's saying is definitely true. Yeah. Oh my god. Military service from the BBC News 2012. Military service is mandatory for all Turkish men. They can only escape if they are ill, disabled, or homosexual. But proving homosexuality is a humiliating ordeal. So if you send a video of you sucking another dude's dick, they're like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1:01:23Ian Fidance:No, no, no. People don't know that it's in the fine print and people don't read it. People are like, this is gay enough, definitely. Do they throw... And also they archive it, so there's a bunch of reluctant, like, blowjob videos that didn't even do any army good. Where do you see them? You guys are laughing, but I'm gonna get in trouble for this little... This is incredible.

1:01:44Brian Redban:The same video that'll get you out of Turkish military is the same video that'll get you into Jim Norton's green room.

1:01:56Ian Fidance:I love comedy, you know, so

1:01:58Tony Hinchcliffe:you gotta do what you do. The guy who volunteers to watch the video in the army, is there a guy who's like, I'll make sure they're gay?

1:02:05Ian Fidance:I mean, the amount of videos is probably a team, you know.

1:02:09Tony Hinchcliffe:They zoom in real quick. They hear you going,

1:02:11Ian Fidance:they're like, nah, nah, nah, you can serve. Because people don't want to go to the army, you know. Because they, you know, make you get up early. Yeah. So, I guess. Wow.

1:02:24Brian Redban:This is incredible, Orhan. So how long have you lived in Austin, Texas?

1:02:28Ian Fidance:It's my sixth month here. Oh, wow. Yeah, I just moved here because I... I don't know, actually. Like, people said I should, and I did, and then people have... Like, people said, hey, there's, like, comedy there. People will like you there. I said, okay. And it's been good shows. And, like, I'm telling you, like, Like, this minute thing really made me nervous, because I'm not a very one-minute guy. So, like, I really appreciate you guys, because I was really... I can't... I can't... It's very hard for me.

1:02:58Brian Redban:Yeah. You absolutely dominated, Orhan. I want to talk to you for a little bit longer, even though this interview is going very long. But I find you so interesting. So now that you live here, how do you make money, Orhan?

1:03:13Ian Fidance:I work for a luxury car brand, but only part-time, and they give me time off when I go to other cities. A luxury... Car brand. It's Mercedes, whatever else. Okay. You've been so nice. Fuck it. Yeah, I love it.

1:03:26Tony Hinchcliffe:Absolutely. Have you ever tried to get out of work the same way you try to get out of the army?

1:03:32Ian Fidance:No, no, no. I just do a good job. They let me go to different cities to do comedy.

1:03:38Brian Redban:Amazing. Absolutely incredible. What else about your life, Orhan? Tell us more about you. Honestly, I'm like a little bit good at everything, but not really that good at anything.

1:03:51Ian Fidance:Hopefully besides this, but you decide. But I play piano, but not well. I don't know. I'm learning to carve wood.

1:04:05Brian Redban:You're carving wood?

1:04:07Ian Fidance:Yeah, yeah.

1:04:07Brian Redban:Okay, what are you making out of wood?

1:04:10Ian Fidance:It's an abstract piece. I don't know.

1:04:15Ian Fidance:It's about expression more than the last one. The wood is carving me, you know.

1:04:27Brian Redban:Jesus Christ. Yeah!

1:04:36Ian Fidance:Fuck. I can't handle this much. much love sorry I don't know I should I don't know if I should wave at you or

1:04:42Brian Redban:something you're doing a hell of a job or huh thank you you're doing an

1:04:46Ian Fidance:absolutely unbelievable job what's your love life like well I've had my share of girlfriends they're all girls but like I so in Turkey I was making a living doing this so I had like more free time now I don't really have free time I had girlfriend until a few months ago but you know she wanted to meet at night so I wanted to do more comedy because I'm a little bit obsessed with this thing so like I'm single till you know I can do this and nothing else I mean that's not a boring answer but

1:05:26Tony Hinchcliffe:no it's good, prioritize doing stand up over anything it's just

1:05:30Ian Fidance:I don't know I love this thing Yeah. To disgusting levels, like the amount of job opportunities I've given up to do a few extra mics when I started and stuff, like just, yeah, it's... I can only imagine, you must have been a doctor in the old country and then coming here, you just... I mean, like, at best it was 40 ,000 a year. Let's be real now, I'm not hireable. You know, by people who actually do stuff where people might die, you know? Right. That makes sense.

1:06:04Brian Redban:Have you ever saved anybody's life or had a near-death experience or anything like that?

1:06:08Ian Fidance:I mean, people have been suicidal and I, you know, shook them. Very good. Does that? Does that? Yeah.

1:06:17Tony Hinchcliffe:He's talking about the last guy when he walked off stage.

1:06:23Ian Fidance:And by shook them, they were on a ledge. He produced a show he didn't put me on. I might actually talk him into the ledge.

1:06:32Brian Redban:Orhan, you are so funny. You are exactly what this show is built for. Somebody that's been doing it nine years, and you left L.A., and you moved to Austin, and I just find you so incredible, the sacrifices that you've made, and you're just so funny. And I can't wait to see more material from you. So Orhan, you are the newest Golden Ticket winner here on Co-Cony. Congratulations, my friend.

1:07:14Brian Redban:There you go, buddy. Bing bong. Hey, up here. Orhan. Boom. There you go. And I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, if you want. You did it, Orhan. You did it, buddy. I'm gonna need you to send the video that you sent the Turkish military though. I have to do some research to make sure you're a real golden ticket winner.

1:07:41Brian Redban:How about one more time for Orhan, everybody? That's what happens here. Dreams can come true. And they did for your next comedian who was just about to move back to Atlanta when he got pulled out of the bucket here on Kill Tony.

1:07:57Tony Hinchcliffe:We all have that dream trip we've been wishing we could go on. But too often, life, or usually price, gets in the way. That's why Priceline is here to help you turn your dream trip into reality. With up to 60 % off hotels and up to 50 % off flights, you can book everything you need for your next adventure. Don't just dream about that next trip. Book it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visit Priceline.com and book your next trip today.

1:08:24Jim Norton:Go to your happy price. Priceline! Spring is here, and there's a whole new way to chai at Starbucks that's made perfect for you. Choose your sweetness, dial it up, or keep things light. Add a touch of pistachio, a hint of strawberry, or vanilla.

1:08:40Tony Hinchcliffe:Or make it a spring classic with lavender. Because this season, there's endless ways to chai at Starbucks.

1:08:48Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great regulars of the show's history, the dark storm of Atlanta. to make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

1:09:02Jim Norton:Yeah. Sir, what do you know about buying$200 worth of pregnancy tests so you can pee on them, sir? Because you know you can't get pregnant, you just really need the good news right now. Sir, what do you know about pretending to be gay with your best friend so y 'all can go to couples therapy because it's cheaper that way?

1:09:26Jim Norton:Sir, what you know about having a spider that live in your room and this nigga is not your pet? This nigga is not your pet, but you can't kill the spider because you got a white girlfriend and she like the spiders keep out the bugs and it's in the injury point. So then you chat GPT what kind of spider it is only to find out it's a black widow. Nigga, I can't kill a black mom.

1:09:52Jim Norton:I have one of those. And my dad dead. This spider is my mom. I was on mushrooms when I figured it out. But I treat her like a black mom. We go to church every Sunday. We don't go into the church. They won't let you in with the spider on your hand. They think you the devil. So I just go by her windowsill, and we play Kirk Franklin. And then she put what she want to read in the Bible in her web, like Charlotte's Web. You know what I'm talking about, Charlotte's Web? What's the pig's name from the book? Wilbur, this nigga can't read. This nigga can't read, and he's a liar. He just wanted to fit in.

1:10:28Jim Norton:He just wanted to fit in. You're a liar, that's my time, Dedrick Fred.

1:10:31Brian Redban:And he's done it again. And that, my friends, is the difference between a regular and a bucket pool, and everything in between. Dedrick, absolutely incredible. Loud laughs all the way throughout. Amazing stuff. You've peed on pregnancy, Tess? Yeah!

1:10:48Jim Norton:You get that good news, Sony, when you get that, mmm, boy, you know what it feels like to not be pregnant, that shit. But don't get the Dollar Tree once, because a nigga was nervous. I didn't know who the mama could be. I'm a ho, you know what I'm saying?

1:11:04Brian Redban:Incredible, Dedrick. How's life been going? Tell us about it.

1:11:08Jim Norton:I'm touring so much. I'm touring so much, going all over the country. It's so much fun. I do hate getting on planes. I think y 'all know that. but every city I've been to, I've been selling a lot of tickets. There's a lot of good fans. I do want to say happy Black History Month to the seven black people that watch Kill Tony. I've had at least one at every show.

1:11:29Brian Redban:Yep. Yep. We got the good ones, though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Little fun fact. Drake watches every episode with his crew in Toronto. He makes them all shut up, and they sit around a big screen TV. Man, I love Drake. There you go. That's how you do it. We love Drake, too. Yeah. I love it.

1:11:52Tony Hinchcliffe:You're very fun. You're very creative. I love the the spider bit. That was really funny, man Like you're very interesting guy. You get an interesting brain very fun

1:12:00Jim Norton:Big fan of you. I love you so much. Thank you very much. So much. Do you have something nice to say to you? You don't have anything nice to say I already know you put your mic down

1:12:08Tony Hinchcliffe:I was gonna piggyback off of Jim, but the way he was sucking his cock like what are you trying to get out of the army?

1:12:18Brian Redban:I still can't believe that. That might be one of the craziest fun facts. You have to send a video of you butt-fucking. In fact, it's real. For some guy that's the head of the Turkish army who's definitely jerking off to these videos. It's even better if it's not true

1:12:34Tony Hinchcliffe:and a bunch of guys are blowing their friends and still going to serve. Oh.

1:12:42Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. People think America's bad. Turkey, you have to either buttfuck or fight another place that has better weapons than turkey does. I feel like I would be gay instead of going to the army, though. I think I would just be gay for one video just to get out. I've seen you fight for turkey the food.

1:13:07Brian Redban:Give me that. I want that piece. Give me that piece.

1:13:18Jim Norton:You got to do an AI video if you deep throw in the turkey, son.

1:13:22Brian Redban:Yep, that'll be on next week's video. Dedrick, anything else crazy going on in life? How's everything?

1:13:31Jim Norton:Man, it's fucking, I don't know how to explain it. It's just fucking incredible. I finally, I don't know, I'm starting to feel like what the first couple months were. I'm starting to get real comfortable being up here instead of being, like, extra nervous. Because it is hard to come out here. I'm not just saying that because my friend bombed a couple people ago. But it's just...

1:13:49Brian Redban:Which one was that?

1:13:51Jim Norton:Matt Barber. Oh. He does run some great shows. Like, over there. I did his club up there in Des Moines, Iowa. Oh, okay.

1:13:58Brian Redban:Well, I don't think he likes me anymore. He had a real... I'll talk to him. Okay, good. Thank you. I want to be able to do Des Moines again.

1:14:07Jim Norton:Also, thank you for this sweet-ass jacket.

1:14:09Brian Redban:Of course. I just wanted to say thank you.

1:14:11Jim Norton:This is a fucking player as hell, man.

1:14:13Brian Redban:Yeah, they were supposed to come over the holidays. The whole crew got new jackets from our amazing team here. It took a while. Somebody put tariffs in place here in America. And they took a while. And now they arrived just in time for Texas to be 95 degrees ago. Yeah. So it's perfect. I'm sweating like a motherfucker. Boy, do I look good. I love it. Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We love you. You got to see him on the road. So, Dedrick Flynn, follow him. See him when he comes to your city. Absolutely amazing. We know this next young buck. He is one of the door guys here at the Mothership. We love it when, you know, people from Sunset sign up, people from the Mothership sign up.

1:14:59Brian Redban:These guys all are in a big rotation here in Austin doing spots. Hopefully, with their experience, they're doing their better minutes here. So, let's see what happens. Make some noise for the young buck. Nicholas Sepaglia, everybody. Very funny young man.

1:15:18Jim Norton:I was at the bar the other day, just getting a drink, and this big group of ladies came. It was a bachelorette party, and it was like a big group of ladies. It was like a gaggle of bitches. So many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar, having a drink, and one of them comes over and orders a drink, and then looks at me and goes, you should shave your face. You look like a rapist. And I just yelled at her and said, yeah, you look like a victim.

1:15:48Jim Norton:Got her, got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much and she chimed back. She's like, that's not funny. And I'm like, shut up, bitch, yes it is. But don't worry, I'm not into fat chicks. And she was clearly anorexic, so, got her again.

1:16:18Brian Redban:Yeah, we'll leave it at that. Yep, absolutely great. Nicholas Sopaglia back again. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. How's it going? Fantastic. New glasses. You do kind of look like a rapist. Kind of, yeah. Hell yeah. I like it. Very good. Welcome, welcome. What do you guys think about Nicholas, Jim? I'm glad I shaved.

1:16:40Tony Hinchcliffe:Very funny. Good joke writing. Yeah, really great. And I like the instinct of closing on the laugh. Like the fucking meow. He's like, fuck this. I'm done. I like that. It's a good instinct. Thank you.

1:16:50Brian Redban:You're welcome.

1:16:50Tony Hinchcliffe:Yep.

1:16:50Brian Redban:Got out on top. What's going on, Nicholas? Tell us about it. You work here at the mothership. I work here.

1:16:59Jim Norton:I recently became a father about a little while ago. So I'm just doing daddy daycare during the day and stand up at night. The wife is working full time.

1:17:08Brian Redban:I'm raising the baby right. Tell us about that. I'm pretty sure we are all fatherless people. I mean, we're not fathers. We're childless. Yes, childless. We have fathers. And we're probably also fatherless. We're all just cum from a test tube.

1:17:26Jim Norton:Well, I mean, it's cliche to say, but they always say, you're never ready. You don't know what to expect, which is just the cliche thing that is true. But it was a little different in our situation, because when our baby was born, we had a little baby girl. wanted a funny one but we got a girl but I'm kidding she's I'm kidding but we named her Shirley and when Shirley was born we found we discovered that she had a little bowel obstruction in her intestines and they had to do emergency surgery and remove about 17 centimeters of her intestines and then they gave her like an ilio ostomy bag and we lived at the NICU at the hospital for like the first five months of her life like so it was really kind of traumatic and upsetting and my wife is really upset that i nicknamed her shitbag shirley she didn't like that at all she didn't like that i said it one time but every holiday since it always comes up and i'm like sbs is never gonna remember any of this i like i like how you have dark jokes that

1:18:24Tony Hinchcliffe:are like oh my god they're really fucking funny oh thanks yeah yeah it's kind of my sense of humor it's kind of my style dark come out of nowhere it's your daughter your humor is darker than the

1:18:38Brian Redban:contents of your daughter's shit bag. That's true, yeah.

1:18:42Jim Norton:They call it output, but I know shit when I smell it. It collects shit. It's definitely shit. Yeah, it was a crazy experience, though. I've had to do a bunch of... I have to start taking care of myself a little bit better now. I got a checkup recently, which I hadn't done in quite some time, but as guys, we go to the appointment once a year, get a little turn-your-head-and-cough, and you think that's it, but this year I went, and they were like, all right, we're going to tickle your balls. And that was fine. It felt great. I was turning my head. I was coughing, you know, as you do. I asked the guy, I was like, why do I have to turn my head when I cough?

1:19:16Jim Norton:And he goes, I don't want you coughing in my face. And I was like, oh, fair point. You don't know unless you ask. So yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. And then he finishes and I started pulling on my pants and he goes, oh, wait, we're going to check your prostate. And I said, no, thank you. I didn't just didn't want to do that. But they forced it upon me and all of a sudden I'm just in position, you know, hands down, pants down. And he's behind me lubing up like P. Diddy at a freak off. And he goes, don't be alarmed, you're going to feel like a small pinch. And that's when I looked back at him and said, why do I feel both your hands on my shoulders?

1:19:47Jim Norton:And he didn't like that at all. Yeah. He didn't like that joke at all.

1:19:54Brian Redban:Awesome.

1:19:55Jim Norton:He kicked me right out of the dentist's office, so. Hell yeah.

1:20:05Brian Redban:Amazing.

1:20:06Jim Norton:Other than that, life's been pretty good.

1:20:08Brian Redban:I mean, that was kind of a struggle. Yeah. I love it, Nicholas. You're doing a hell of a job. You're crushing here at the mothership. You're getting spots. You just performed in front of millions of people here on this show and did great. Congratulations. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, if you can. Secret Show. Here's a big joke, bud. Boom. Nicholas Sapiglia, ladies and gentlemen. All right. And. The Lincoln Spring Sales event is on now, and there's never been a better time to experience the feeling of driving a Lincoln. Pictures, sunlight through the available panoramic vista roof, music, weather, and maps on the 48-inch panoramic display, and a drive so smooth that inspiration rides up front.

1:20:52Brian Redban:Stepping out better than you got in. That's the Lincoln feeling.

1:20:56Ian Fidance:Get behind the wheel of the 2026 Lincoln Nautilus SUV and discover exceptional offers only at your local Lincoln retailer.

1:21:05Tony Hinchcliffe:This is a test of the Reese's broadcast system. If you're currently eating Reese's, this is just a test. Continue living the dream. If you aren't, oh boy, drop what you're doing. Go get Reese's now.

1:21:16Jim Norton:Do not stay calm. Push people out of the way.

1:21:19Brian Redban:Back to the bucket we go. Here we go. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Kirstie Hayden, everybody. Kirstie Hayden.

1:21:35Tony Hinchcliffe:I don't know if y 'all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't. I'm actually living through this app I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants, take care of their pets. It's called Hinge.

1:21:59Tony Hinchcliffe:No, but I do go from house to house, and it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat, and when I came home, I discovered that the cat had gotten into my dirty laundry and chewed up only my underwear. So, weird way to find out you have a yeast infection.

1:22:29Tony Hinchcliffe:You can take the puss out of the panties But You can't take the panties out of the puss

1:22:43Tony Hinchcliffe:That's it

1:22:45Brian Redban:Okay Hi Kirstie Welcome Is this your first time on the show?

1:22:51Tony Hinchcliffe:Yes

1:22:51Brian Redban:How long have you been on stand-up? Eight years. Okay, where at? I started in Dallas. Okay. You still live in Dallas?

1:23:00Tony Hinchcliffe:No, I live here now.

1:23:01Brian Redban:How long have you lived here?

1:23:02Tony Hinchcliffe:Like a year and four months. Okay, good answer. Very exact.

1:23:07Brian Redban:How do you make money?

1:23:09Tony Hinchcliffe:I do pet sitting. I'm also, I clean and organize people's houses. I sell clothes on Depop. That's it.

1:23:21Brian Redban:All right. Okay. How old are you?

1:23:24Tony Hinchcliffe:I'm 30.

1:23:26Brian Redban:30. Okay, so you started at 22.

1:23:29Tony Hinchcliffe:Yes.

1:23:30Brian Redban:How's it going for you? Good?

1:23:31Tony Hinchcliffe:Pretty good, yeah.

1:23:33Brian Redban:You perform a lot?

1:23:34Tony Hinchcliffe:I do.

1:23:36Brian Redban:Are you... Are you a little tipsy or on drugs of some kind right now?

1:23:42Tony Hinchcliffe:100 % sober.

1:23:44Brian Redban:Really? Yeah. This is just you?

1:23:46Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, this is just me. I'm not even on Zoloft anymore. I'm off all of it. Okay.

1:23:52Brian Redban:Were your parents really stoned on drugs when they had you?

1:23:56Tony Hinchcliffe:Yes.

1:23:57Brian Redban:All right. That doesn't really...

1:23:59Tony Hinchcliffe:You look like you should be disrupting an ice raid.

1:24:02Brian Redban:Yeah. It's true.

1:24:07Brian Redban:What ethnicity are you?

1:24:09Tony Hinchcliffe:I'm Sicilian.

1:24:11Brian Redban:Really? Okay. All right. 100 %? Your parents are both Sicilian?

1:24:17Tony Hinchcliffe:Like 80%. My dad's dad is, like, Irish, so that's why my last name's Hayden. Got it. Got it.

1:24:23Brian Redban:All right. What do you do for fun, Kirstie?

1:24:26Tony Hinchcliffe:For fun?

1:24:32Tony Hinchcliffe:I usually will, you know, I like to do...

1:24:39Brian Redban:How long have you been off the Zoloft for?

1:24:44Tony Hinchcliffe:One month.

1:24:45Brian Redban:Yeah, there we go. I had a feeling. So your body's adjusting.

1:24:49Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, the brain zaps have finally stopped.

1:24:52Brian Redban:The brain's what?

1:24:53Tony Hinchcliffe:The brain zaps. Okay, none of you take Zoloft, that's cool.

1:24:58Brian Redban:The brain zaps. Can you take us through what that means?

1:25:01Tony Hinchcliffe:It's where you get really lightheaded and you feel kind of, it's uncomfortable, but I kind of like it. Because it makes you feel kind of like messed up, but it's like a lightheadedness. And then for a second you're like, and then you're like, oh yeah. There's other ways to get that.

1:25:25Brian Redban:So what made you get off the Zoloft?

1:25:28Tony Hinchcliffe:My health insurance changed. So I thought it was easier to just quit the pills than to be put on hold.

1:25:38Brian Redban:Did you wean off? Did you talk to a doctor at all? You just kind of just cold turkeyed it?

1:25:43Tony Hinchcliffe:I cold turkeyed it. They tell you not to do that, but I think I got through it just fine.

1:25:56Tony Hinchcliffe:Dude, I... So, Kirstie used to be... She used to wait tables at the Dallas Improv, Addison Improv. And every time I'd headline there, I'd give her a guest set, and she always crushed it, every show. She's very funny, and this interview is great. You're like a female... You look like female Mitch Hedberg. Bitch Hedberg? Bitch gives Hedberg to stay at someone's house. Y 'all already have a Mitch impersonator, though.

1:26:27Brian Redban:That is true. We have a guy that looks and sounds exactly like him. What were you using Zoloft for? Like depression, anxiety? Well, I mean, that's what it treats, Red Band. That's usually why people take it, yeah. I mean, what do you think? It's a fucking weight loss drug? I mean, it's for like PTSD, anxiety, depression.

1:26:47Jim Norton:I mean, you know, there's a few different reasons.

1:26:50Tony Hinchcliffe:It was for depression. Yeah. Yeah. But honestly, I would get depressed while I was on it. So I was like, well, what's the point? Right. Might as well just deal with raw dog it.

1:27:00Brian Redban:Right. So how's the past month been? What do you what's going on with it? Is it a day to day thing? Have there been highs and lows?

1:27:07Tony Hinchcliffe:I think I learned good coping on Zoloft. So it's actually been fine without it. I don't really feel any different. Because I was on it for three years. And it's not like you're fucked up on it. Like, you remember what you learned on it. So, yeah, I think I just learned how to be normal. Well, I wouldn't say that. But I feel pretty much the same. Does it fuck up sex drive? I've always been scared of stuff. It does. It would take, like, an hour to come. So every woman I've ever been with. Yeah. There are...

1:27:43Brian Redban:So, Hal... I got a lot of Zoloft.

1:27:48Brian Redban:So, Hal has... Do you have a boyfriend?

1:27:52Tony Hinchcliffe:No.

1:27:53Brian Redban:So, have you been on dates or anything since being off Zoloft? Or are you just like, you know that the sexual thing is better because you're pleasing yourself?

1:28:03Tony Hinchcliffe:Well, Stan, it's hard to date when you do comedy. because you're just out every night. And I don't really do dating apps because I don't really, like, care. Right. You know, so, no, I don't really go on dates.

1:28:20Brian Redban:Okay.

1:28:21Tony Hinchcliffe:Very often. So, no, I don't know. I don't do that. Okay. Right now.

1:28:28Brian Redban:All right. Yeah. Okay, Kirstie, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up?

1:28:37Tony Hinchcliffe:I do a little bit of yoga. I like playing pool. I like singing sometimes. And I take showers. Ooh. Amazing. That is a rarity among Austin Commons. You're pretty unique. What song do you sing at karaoke?

1:29:02Tony Hinchcliffe:I like to do some Shania. I also sing corn pretty good.

1:29:08Brian Redban:Hell yeah. All right. Okay, Kirstie. Very fun. All right. Let me ask you one more question about the Zoloft here. I've heard that when you stop antidepressants, cold turkey, that you get suicidal tendencies. Did you have a low moment at all when you got off them?

1:29:30Tony Hinchcliffe:Surprisingly, no. most of the low moments were before I got on it and then like during even there were low moments but I think because I expected there to be so many low moments I just didn't it wasn't that bad so no but that's Stephen Brody Stevens

1:29:55Brian Redban:who killed himself there you go it doesn't make sense it's a bad timing thing but I work with Brian Redband so you can't control it. When I'm looking over here, he gets to do whatever he wants.

1:30:06Tony Hinchcliffe:I'm in a good headspace. Perfect. I think that I'm going to kill myself. Maybe tonight.

1:30:12Brian Redban:No, don't. No, don't. I can't have that kind of fucking press. For a goddamn joke book. I can't have that kind of press. And don't write a suicide note in it. Yeah. No, you got it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Fun times, Kirstie Hayden. There you go. Boom. All right. There goes Kirstie, everybody. Yeah, let's do that. You saw Orhan Timur get a golden ticket here tonight, and you may have seen this next young lady get a golden ticket if you watched Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the great Young, everybody. Young is back, everyone, for the brand-new minute.

1:31:03Tony Hinchcliffe:Hello. Hello. You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white. For example, a normal person just lives in the house, but the most powerful person lives in the white house? White-collar jobs are better than blue-collar jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more. White lives are better than other lives because they come from good intentions?

1:31:34Tony Hinchcliffe:I don't be some sort of white. Even Diddy knows white is better. Diddy used to host white parties in Hollywood. Best parties you can ever find. You can only wear white in that party, right? They got A-list celebrities, unlimited baby oil. And guess what? When he's arrested, not white enough to get pardoned by the White House. Thank you, that's my name.

1:32:02Brian Redban:Young. That set was all white.

1:32:07Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, very white. I love it.

1:32:11Brian Redban:Stuck with one premise there. I love it. Very good. Smart. Adorable as always. Very likable. Young. Welcome back. How's life going for you?

1:32:22Tony Hinchcliffe:It's been good, yeah. Schedule some shows around a few states and just doing spots in Austin.

1:32:29Brian Redban:Where are you going around America?

1:32:31Tony Hinchcliffe:Next week I'm in Florida, but it won't be aired, but I have a show in Austin, March 21st, and a show in San Antonio, March, no, April 11th, I think.

1:32:42Brian Redban:April 11th. Amazing. San Antonio, you can drive to it. You drive?

1:32:49Tony Hinchcliffe:I told you I drive Uber before. I was a five-star driver. Yeah. Yeah, I was. I did 5 ,000 trips. Really? Yeah.

1:33:00Brian Redban:Oh, my God.

1:33:02Tony Hinchcliffe:High ratings. Really good trip.

1:33:06Brian Redban:That's crazy. I find that impossible to believe. Jim?

1:33:13Tony Hinchcliffe:George, you said it. I thought it was very funny. You had me at, you know, white. I was like... But no, very good. The good writing. And yeah, I enjoyed you very much. Thank you. You keep looking like you're waiting for me to say something shitty. I love when I shit on the panels. I can't control it. I just look at you. I thought you look like someone from the alien movies, you know. Those human incubators would come out bald and wrinkly. Are you going to let...

1:33:46Tony Hinchcliffe:Do I now? You see it? Are you going to let Soon-Yi talk to you that way? Yes, I am. Tell me how I'm not good enough. Tell me how small it is. White is good, but not there, right? Tell me about it. Wow.

1:34:12Brian Redban:Young has this incredible roast delivery that I find so interesting. She does it with a smile. She, like, looks right at you. she told Red Band that he looked like a kidney don't work. So many people, after saying they saw the Netflix thing, bring that up. When the Asian girl told Red Band that he looks like his kidneys don't work, it doesn't have to necessarily be some crazy written math problem. The brutal honesty with you, the way you smile at somebody, go, eh.

1:34:46Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, I wasn't trying to roast him. I just thought he looks very pale.

1:34:51Brian Redban:See what I mean? You see? Like, it's an adorable delivery.

1:34:55Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, but that means she really thinks I look like some fucking alien.

1:35:01Brian Redban:What do you think about Ian? Ian's a good-looking guy, right? He looks so Jew.

1:35:13Tony Hinchcliffe:Take your hat off. Take your hat and dress us off. In Texas, that's the worst insult than alien.

1:35:23Tony Hinchcliffe:I find it interesting he got all those, like, fake jewelry on his knuckles, like, trying to be a rapper. Thank you. I'll take a number 35, a 47, and a 16. Are you Drew, though? Are you Drew? You are? Okay. A little bit. What are you? Not Drew.

1:35:47Brian Redban:Oh, my God. I love she doesn't even say a just goes are you Jew ah

1:36:00Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, that was very 1945 of you

1:36:06Brian Redban:Since when to the Japanese not like Jews oh You're Chinese I got in trouble for this before getting these things backwards You guys are totally different. Two totally different people to us.

1:36:23Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, we don't nuclear people. You do? We do? We do bomb people?

1:36:28Brian Redban:You don't. Chinese don't. Somehow you guys don't.

1:36:32Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, we like to build trains though.

1:36:35Brian Redban:Yes, you do.

1:36:36Tony Hinchcliffe:We build trains for you.

1:36:37Brian Redban:That's right, sushi trains. I feel like she's a racist little doll

1:36:43Tony Hinchcliffe:and we're just pulling her string. more phrases are coming out are you juul are you juul you look just by the way i love jibs yeah thank you how do you feel about aliens jim is gonna come i'm gonna i'm gonna give you a hug afterwards sorry thank you

1:37:05Brian Redban:you look hurt along with these roast jokes i've i've realized that young is so likable that she can get away with things that that most people can't everyone including I've noticed liberal people like my 80 plus year old mother she mentioned how amazing she thought you were and she loved your Trump impression and she hates Trump oh so I think you have this amazing ability to win people over what's your least favorite race?

1:37:46Brian Redban:If you were joking, what would your least favorite race be? And what would your best impersonation of them be?

1:37:58Tony Hinchcliffe:You're really putting me on the spot, Tony. You're trying to make people hate me now, dude.

1:38:03Brian Redban:Black. Mexicans.

1:38:08Tony Hinchcliffe:Japanese.

1:38:11Brian Redban:Now, as a Chinese girl, tell us, what is it that you don't like about the Japanese?

1:38:16Tony Hinchcliffe:We fight a lot. We kill each other all the time.

1:38:19Brian Redban:Yeah. But why? Why is that? What is that?

1:38:23Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, you know, they're neighbors. Neighbors just hate each other. They're fighting a lot.

1:38:30Brian Redban:Yeah, but is there something about them in particular?

1:38:36Tony Hinchcliffe:I don't know. I think we just think we're better than them and they think they're better than us.

1:38:41Brian Redban:That's a great answer.

1:38:42Tony Hinchcliffe:Just like Jews and Christians, you know?

1:38:45Brian Redban:What?

1:38:48Tony Hinchcliffe:Aliens and earthlings? Take it easy, Miss Saigon. Jesus Christ. I have to roast a Jew and a Jew's here. I got to take the opportunity. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you have to, right? You're really a Jew? 23 and me. I took a...

1:39:10Brian Redban:You'll catch it. 23 and heeb? Okay. Just from the neck up. Yes. For sure, definitely. Especially with the beard. You're 100 % Jewish from the neck up.

1:39:24Tony Hinchcliffe:No, I'm like a little Ashkenazi. I found out through 23 and me, but I was raised Italian, Irish Catholic.

1:39:30Brian Redban:Perfect.

1:39:30Tony Hinchcliffe:Hey. Perfect. Hey. But she spotted it. Really, what a great instinct she has. Yeah, no, I mean... I know, too. Even though her eyes look like they're closed,

1:39:41Brian Redban:she can see. Young, you are amazing. So likable, so funny. We love you. How about one more time for Young, everybody? We're gonna go back to this bucket. We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. and it's Jordan McDonald, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Jordan.

1:40:09Jim Norton:What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks. I like to smoke that weed in parks. And I like to watch homeless people. That's how I judge how much I like a city. I suggest y 'all try it. I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada not too long ago. Any Canadians in here? Boo! USA! USA! Say it with me, brother! USA! Gonna start a Klan rally in this bitch. No, I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, smoking weed in parks, watching homeless people not bother nobody doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself.

1:40:48Jim Norton:There's nobody else around him. And he just says out loud, I only smoke crack on the weekends! And guess what, Big Daddy? It's the weekend. That's a five-star homeless man right there. You mean to tell me you're a disciplined crack addict? It's like, hey, Reggie, what you doing tonight, baby? You want some crack? Nah, nigga, it's Tuesday. Don't start my crack till Thursday, 11.58 p.m.

1:41:18Brian Redban:Thank you. Jordan McDonald. Okay. Welcome back, Jordan. You've been on this show before. How are you? How long have you been doing stand-up now? Coming up on seven years. Seven years. And is that true, you really meet a crackhead that only does it on the weekend?

1:41:33Jim Norton:I was smoking weed in the beaches in Toronto, and I was watching homeless people as I do, and he was like, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what? Big Daddy, it's the weekend. I was like, that's the craziest shit I've ever seen a crackhead do before. Jim Norton.

1:41:47Tony Hinchcliffe:I like watching you. You're a good performer. You have good energy on stage. You acknowledge the audience, and the material is unique. So I enjoyed watching you. Oh, thank you, Jim. Hell yeah. Appreciate it.

1:41:58Brian Redban:Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better. I remember that. Thank you, man.

1:42:02Jim Norton:I've been working hard.

1:42:03Brian Redban:I liked your impressions.

1:42:05Tony Hinchcliffe:You really threw yourself into it. Appreciate you. Hell yeah, Ian. And the way you said, fuck Canada. I appreciated that.

1:42:12Brian Redban:USA! USA! So, Jordan, what have you been up to other than stand-up comedy?

1:42:18Jim Norton:Actually, Tony, I actually toured the world 2024 and 2025. Wow. Went to 12 different countries and performed comedy.

1:42:26Brian Redban:Tell us about it.

1:42:27Jim Norton:I went, yo, the coolest place I went to was Tanzania, East Africa. Shout out to the Punchline and Dar es Salaam. Headlined there, sold out shows there. Performed in Spain, all over Europe. And you're performing in English? Yes, sir.

1:42:39Brian Redban:All these different places.

1:42:40Jim Norton:So it was cool. For one of the shows in Tanzania, Friday night, all my openers did comedy in Swahili. And I was like, damn, nigga, this is crazy. I don't know what the fuck y 'all saying. And then the audience quickly turned on their English brain. And we had a good time, man. Wow. Yeah. It's incredible. I actually got a notice in Amsterdam and Spain and Dubai from Kill Tony, which was... Oh, you got recognized. Recognized. They were like, you're the dude where your ex-girlfriend beat you up, right? And I was like, yeah. They were like, you funny. And I'm like, can you leave with that next time?

1:43:10Jim Norton:Like, yeah. Incredible.

1:43:14Brian Redban:Non-comedy related, what was your favorite place?

1:43:17Jim Norton:Favorite place, non-comedy related? Barcelona, Spain, man. Everybody got a fat ass. they got, for real, bro, everybody's caked up they got good food out there the comedy scene was cool, it's just beautiful I swam naked in the ocean, nigga, that was tight, I'm from Sherman, Texas dog, I ain't never done nothing like that that was fun, yeah

1:43:37Tony Hinchcliffe:I ain't never seen such a light-skinned brother with so much soul come on now, come on now, you know what

1:43:42Jim Norton:it is, I like it, you've been having all the wrong light skins on your show lately, Tony, so I just had to like come in and be the, I like it, you throw your like everything into your words. It's like interesting

1:43:52Brian Redban:hearing you talk. Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. When you swam naked in the ocean, what kind of floaties did you use?

1:44:00Jim Norton:I just used my hair. I just used my hair, Tony. It keeps me afloat. Kept my nose above water. I didn't have to worry about shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I didn't go below my knees neither though. That also helped. Absolutely. Like we gonna keep, I ain't gonna get below the waist. That's gonna be dangerous. Amazing.

1:44:16Brian Redban:Did you hook up with any global ladies?

1:44:18Jim Norton:You know what I'm saying? There were some pretty ones out there. Can you give us an example of what that was like? Barcelona? No, one was in Edinburgh, Scotland at the Fringe Festival. The Jewish girls out there go crazy, boy, let me tell you. I didn't know. No, tell us. What do you mean? Well, so the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, really big comedy festival in Scotland. It's pretty much like Pokemon Stadium, but for comedians and stuff. and everybody's just trying to involve a Pichu to a Raichu. You know what I'm saying? And sometimes a Charizard and a Raichu meet up sometimes like, yo, let's motherfucking make electricity and fire.

1:45:02And I don't know.

1:45:03Brian Redban:Can you explain that to the people that aren't absolutely brain-dead dorks?

1:45:10Jim Norton:Yeah, so, you know, you go to one of the after parties, you know, and they drink a lot in Scotland, and you start drinking, and then you make eye contact with a very pretty Jewish lady from across the room, and she's like, yo, I direct shows. And I'm like, oh, I don't, but let's have some fun, and we have some fun.

1:45:26Brian Redban:Did you know she was Jewish before she said she directed shows?

1:45:30Jim Norton:No, no. Or was that the giveaway? But I was like, this might be my way in. Yeah, so, you know, had to do the job.

1:45:37Brian Redban:Have you noticed something different hooking up with a Jewish girl than with a non-Jewish girl? Oh. go ahead say it it's okay okay uh well uh easy i don't know no go ahead let it rip let it rip

1:45:54Jim Norton:ian shut up i'm making no i i i i love jewish people i just want y 'all to know yeah shout out to the one jew in the crowd wooing right now i love you brother um no it's not really that much of difference there uh i don't know she had like uh like like like moles and i was like that's crazy. You know, I was like, connect the dots or something, I don't know, but that was the only difference was the moles.

1:46:18Tony Hinchcliffe:God puts them on there so we can spot them. Exactly, exactly, exactly. No, they're not moles, they're called rats.

1:46:28Brian Redban:That is a Jew who made that joke. Hopefully this is still in the clip. Hopefully the clip didn't end there. I love it. Jordan, anything else crazy we should know about you?

1:46:41Jim Norton:Anything else crazy? Me and my homie's been making short comedy films and shit. We got a really funny stoner film called Pushy. If you like good stoner comedy films. Where can people find that at? We got it on YouTube right now. Just look up Pushy film. It's on YouTube.

1:46:57Brian Redban:I-E-E-Y?

1:46:58Jim Norton:P-U-S-H-Y.

1:47:00Brian Redban:Okay. There you go.

1:47:01Jim Norton:Pushy. Perfect. And then, Tony, I had a funny moment with you at Skank Fest this year. We did? Yeah, we did. We were just hanging out in the green room or whatever. and you walked up with a slice of pizza and I was talking to Joe DeRosa and a few other comics, Gardini. But you just came up and you were like, this looks like so-and-so from Star Wars. I know this because I'm a Sith Lord. And I was like, yo, Tony, what?

1:47:24Brian Redban:I actually remember this. It looked like the Mustafar system. Exactly. You go, I would know this because I'm a Sith Lord. And I was like, Tony, you... Well, that was a joke, but... Remember when you made fun of them for being losers? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, come on. Star Wars is so much cooler than Pokemon. Dashy. Ew. You know the references. The Mustafar system is where... You guys know. It's where Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi fought. It's basically a lava planet. And there was a bubble on this slice of pizza. It was like one of those bubbles that come up. And it literally... I took out my phone.

1:48:04Brian Redban:Granted, you have to also remember it's fucking Skank Fest. So I'm drunk and high as all fuck all. But I literally did. I didn't notice it until then, and then I pulled out my phone, and I looked up the Mustafa system, and I went side by side. And then I took my red lightsaber, and I shoved it up my ass to get out of the Turkish military. Here's a big joke book, Jordan. Thank you. Thank you. Jordan McDonald, everybody. That's the lightsaber of the Sith. They don't use green or purple lightsabers like what you got there. No way, Jose. Straight red. I'm almost to the point where I can shoot electricity out of my fingertips.

1:48:43Brian Redban:Saving it for Madison Square Garden, our third time. Tickets going on sale real soon. You know, just casual business. All right, let's do one last bucket pull. Make some noise for Joey Johnson, everybody.

1:49:01Jim Norton:What's up, guys? Man, it's cool you're all here. 11 years, I've never been pulled before. So that's, you know, 11 years of comedy, man. And it's, yeah, sure, I don't have enough time. Shut up. It's hard making money doing this, man, 11 years. I just got back. I was doing shows in the Denver area, and I'll stop by, like, a homeless guy outside the comedy club. He goes, excuse me, sir, can you spare some change? And I told him, I was like, look, dude, I don't have any money. I'm a stand-up comedian. And then I shit you not, guys, this homeless guy, like, paused and assessed my fucking situation.

1:49:28Jim Norton:Right? The dude looks me up in doubt. Thou missed a good beat. He just goes, my bad, fam. You right? And that fucked me up, guys. That ruined my whole week. My bad, fam. I know I spoke like that, too. He was Asian. It was the weirdest. My bad. You fam, you're right. And then he gave me$5, all right? And I took that shit, because it's hard out here for a player. All right, yeah. I was on unemployment during COVID. That was the best money I ever made, all right? I'm not really political, but when Trump was showing out$900, I was like, I can be bought. That is a lot. I was on unemployment. I wasn't taking advantage of the system.

1:50:01Jim Norton:We hear about that a lot, right? Taking advantage. I wasn't. The money given back to me, I was putting into small business. I love small business, man. I love it to a fault. Like, I love small business so much, I will only take a girl I'm seeing out to a mom and pop abortion clinic. Because big abortion is just killing the little guy.

1:50:17Brian Redban:Right, everybody? Joey Johnson. Great set. 11 years you've been doing it. 11 years, man. Where at exactly?

1:50:25Jim Norton:Hyenas, actually. We actually met one time.

1:50:28Brian Redban:Oh, God. Tell me what Star Wars shit I said. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1:50:32Tony Hinchcliffe:These are not the jokes you're looking for.

1:50:42Jim Norton:What happened when we met? I was just supposed to open for you, and you had a bunch of people there. Randy, you know. Randy, it was Hyenas Fort Worth. I was with JP, and JP was in the green room. You don't recognize me. I had long hairs during COVID. I was wearing a mask, and I felt heavily judged walking in there with the mask.

1:50:58Brian Redban:Can't believe Randy would book me open.

1:51:00Jim Norton:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always brought my own opener. Well, what's funny is the, like, Saturday after, that was a Friday, and you didn't need me, and you let me do the time and that was tight as fuck. But the Saturday after, the girlfriend that just broke up with me, she was going to come to the show and I was like, oh, she's a big fan. And I was like, oh, she's going to see me. This will be my big time. And then I was like, hey man, you need me back tomorrow? You're like, nah.

1:51:20Brian Redban:Well, I had an entire crew that I flew out from Los Angeles.

1:51:25Jim Norton:And hey, in retrospect, yeah, it was good.

1:51:27Brian Redban:Randy messed up. Yeah, Randy's a dog. I love Randy. We love Randy. Randy's my fucking homie, the great Randy Butler. He comes to all of our shows when we do massive venues now.

1:51:38Jim Norton:No, and you let me do the time, and that was tight, man. Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah. There you go.

1:51:41Brian Redban:I'm a nice guy. I would like the girlfriend. There you go. There you go. I put my lightsaber away for the night.

1:51:48Tony Hinchcliffe:Where was the gig? At the cantina?

1:51:52Brian Redban:Oh, no.

1:51:54Jim Norton:Who shot first?

1:51:56Brian Redban:How dare you use the Mos Eisley Cantina's name in vain. This is crazy that you're all finding out at once how big of a secret Star Wars nerd I am. You're dorks. Literally re-watched it over the weekend. Sometimes I just let it go. A virgin I am.

1:52:18Jim Norton:Do your big one. Do your big one.

1:52:22Brian Redban:No. I already did it on this show before. You did it. Okay, I do one impression. It's of Princess Leia during The Empire Strikes Back when she's freeing Han Solo from being frozen in carbonite. She's in a special robot helmet, which changes her voice. And when she wakes him up, she goes, you have been frozen in carbonite.

1:52:45Brian Redban:Thank you. Thank you. Oh! Do I get to do the secret show on Thursday? I don't want to. I don't want to.

1:52:57Tony Hinchcliffe:Now this all makes sense. That's why you're talking into C-3PO's dick.

1:53:07Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How fucking hilarious. I love this. I love that you're finding out that I have a sensitive, nerdy side to me. Oh, my God. All right, Joey, what do you do for work?

1:53:26Jim Norton:I work at Head Shop on Wheels out here, So I sell diet. Yeah, yeah. I sell diet weed in a food truck. Nice.

1:53:34Brian Redban:Yeah.

1:53:34Jim Norton:I did it in high school, but they tip me for it now. So that's nice.

1:53:37Brian Redban:That's awesome.

1:53:38Jim Norton:Dress for the job you want, not the one you.

1:53:40Brian Redban:I love that. How long have you been doing that for?

1:53:43Jim Norton:I moved here about a year ago. I started it like a few months ago. I was working at a country club bartending out here at first. And then in July, when those storms came, it flooded the country club. River Place Country Club. I don't know. Yeah.

1:53:54Brian Redban:Okay. And is it your truck or you're working for it?

1:53:56Jim Norton:No, no, no. It's not mine. I work for it. A bunch of comics work. Eleazar, I think, he was on here recently. He works there. There's a lot of, yeah. It got robbed recently. Yeah. There have been a couple. Yeah. Yeah. And look, Headshot on Wheels, I'm pretty sure they posted their mug shot. So look, you know, if you know them, maybe I'll get a raise. I don't know. You know. But yeah, they got robbed. I don't know what happened there. That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my truck.

1:54:17Brian Redban:Okay. There you go. I lock up great. All right. Perfect. We're going to use that video in court. You definitely robbed the truck.

1:54:26Jim Norton:Stop, dude. Stop. You look like my accomplice. We're one and the same here. This is it. Yeah, shut the fuck up. Takes one to know one. I did not rob the truck. Okay. I swear, dude. Please, I need this job. I need that$14 an hour so bad. Please.

1:54:45Brian Redban:So it's$14 an hour.

1:54:46Jim Norton:Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that.

1:54:48Brian Redban:What's your rent? $750 only, actually. How many roommates do you have? One roommate. And that's a dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One bedroom or two? One bedroom.

1:54:58Jim Norton:Or two. Two. God damn it. Whoa. Set me up there.

1:55:03Brian Redban:Whoa. It's two.

1:55:05Jim Norton:A one bedroom for 750 would be crazy. That'd be.

1:55:08Brian Redban:Looks like I found a new C-3PO. L-R-2, you're D-2. All right.

1:55:16Jim Norton:This is not the droid you're looking for, Tony. All right.

1:55:18Brian Redban:Is it a one bathroom? Huh? Oh, did we already do that? It's a one bathroom? It's okay. One bathroom? Yeah. Yeah. What's it like? Tell these people what it's like sharing a bathroom with another.

1:55:28Jim Norton:It's gross because both me and him are trying to get into working out, so the protein intake is like... Oh. It's gone up for us and the toilet. And that's crazy. Having women over is crazy. You know what I mean? And also, the toilet seat's now falling off. It's just doing that thing where... I think both of us are like sit wipers, right? Like you shift and the... She knows what I'm talking about. She gets it. Yeah. What do you mean? Like, do you stand and wipe? Just wipe or sit and wipe? I have a bidet. Play a fucking drumbeat or something. Stand. Where's stand? Stand? Your standards? Oh, see, I just lean.

1:56:02Jim Norton:And then I fucking, yeah. I probably shouldn't say this. That sucks.

1:56:05Brian Redban:Yeah.

1:56:06Jim Norton:But, like, it moves the seat.

1:56:08Brian Redban:I don't know what I do. Everybody stands, right? You stand up. That's crazy. Who stays? Most people don't stand. They stay sitting and they go like that?

1:56:16Jim Norton:No, I don't know in between. No, you lean. You grab a cheek lean. It's a whole reach process. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how women wife. It's the super straight way to do it, dude. It's very rare that we have so much standards here. Yeah, this is crazy, by the way. The numbers are normally in my favor, I feel like. No. On this problem. Yeah, we got a few. Yeah. No. There we go. That's a fucking honest man. Look, that is a strong man right there. And he sits when he... That man works at construction.

1:56:43Tony Hinchcliffe:Nah! Shh.

1:56:46Brian Redban:Wow. What do you... You sit and you lean and wipe? See? Yes! He's a sitter. Yeah, I'm a lean wiper.

1:56:55Tony Hinchcliffe:Is that what I'm supposed to be?

1:56:57Jim Norton:I'm a stand wiper. And if you have a shitty apartment like I do, like the toilet seat, yeah, so now it's like shifting. Now if you move any direction, bro, you're like on a slip and slide. It's crazy. It's like I'm sitting on an ice cube. I stand and wipe because you're pulling it into your balls the other way.

1:57:12Tony Hinchcliffe:Well, that's because you sit and pee.

1:57:23Brian Redban:I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Oh, so fun. Oh, shit. Joey, Joey, give me one more crazy fun fact about your entire life. Could be your childhood, could be today.

1:57:32Jim Norton:Crazy. I'm quitting cocaine, everybody. That's cool, yeah. You're in the process right now of quitting? I've been done for like a few months now, but yeah. That's great. Congrats. Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. That's tough. Good for you. Appreciate it. I had some, I guess, rock bottom moments. Let's hear about that.

1:57:48Brian Redban:He has a roommate and he shits on his side. Well, this feels right. You got outed as a huge Star Wars fan in front of millions of people?

1:57:56Jim Norton:No, I had sex with a trans girl, though. Sorry, that wasn't like a... It wasn't like a... Autumn is a fucking top fucking loser. You're talking to the king and queen here. I know, I know. This is why this is not the best, but I just, you know. No, what happened? Tell me. We were fucking... By the way, she looked great. She looked great. I was fucking. I was fucking. Then I saw the penis, and then for me, that was like the rock bottom. Because I knew. But then when you see it and it's big, you're like, fuck. Yeah, I know. That's a lot. That's a lot. And then I felt bad like I couldn't stop. No, that's called being a rock hard bottom.

1:58:34Jim Norton:Well, then I felt like I couldn't stop because it would have been fucked up to have been turned off once I saw the penis. Who cares? Wait a second. Hold on, hold on. I know that's crazy to say after I did it.

1:58:44Brian Redban:Let's go one step at a time, Joey. Just relax for a second. You're getting real amped up now.

1:58:48Jim Norton:Sorry, my bad.

1:58:49Brian Redban:It's okay. It's getting closer to us. Yeah, he is. Move back. Move back, Joey. Move back.

1:58:54Tony Hinchcliffe:No, no, he means with your lifestyle.

1:58:55Brian Redban:I got you. So, Joey, you're saying that you didn't know she was trans until you saw her dick?

1:59:03Jim Norton:I was willing to ignore it. I was so, like, coked out. To ignore the fact that, like, it could be a possibility. And, again, you can play pretend until you see the... And then when I saw it, I was like, oh, I, like, don't like this. But then I didn't want to finish. Hold on.

1:59:16Brian Redban:Hold on. Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey. Dude, you robbed the truck. fuck, you are gay, and you knew she had a cock, okay?

1:59:22Tony Hinchcliffe:Just be who you are.

1:59:24Brian Redban:It's totally fine. You're playing turkey.

1:59:26Jim Norton:Thanks, dude. I appreciate that.

1:59:27Brian Redban:So you're saying that you were having sex with her, right? Yes. You're hitting it from behind. Yes. Okay. And did you finish, and then you saw the dick? Yeah, yeah. So you came, but you weren't curious as to why first base was her asshole?

1:59:45Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah.

1:59:46Brian Redban:You're just like, wow. That's who's freaky. I don't know. Yeah.

1:59:49Tony Hinchcliffe:You didn't wonder why our pussy smelled like shit?

2:00:01Brian Redban:So did you come in her asshole? No, no, no. You pulled out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a gentleman.

2:00:07Jim Norton:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you pull out, you shoot it on her back. It felt, for some reason, this is dumb, I know, but it felt gayer coming in the ass. So I was like, if I do it on the back, it's straight as fuck.

2:00:17Tony Hinchcliffe:If there's one alpha move, it's to pull it out. And then put her dick in jerky.

2:00:21Brian Redban:You get it, yeah. So when did you see her dick? Because she's like, my turn.

2:00:29Jim Norton:Is that it? Yeah, it was like there wasn't a cigarette, but she rolled over, you know, like she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah. And then I felt bad, like, not wanting to get icked out, even though I was, you know. Did you make her come like a gentleman, or are you a piece of shit? I have, honestly, man, I have no idea. At that point, I was a dick.

2:00:46Tony Hinchcliffe:That's a yes.

2:00:47Jim Norton:That's a yes.

2:00:49Tony Hinchcliffe:I love it. The Olympics are going on right now, and you are winning first place mental gymnastics. I was too coked up. I was so coked up, I dated her for six months. I was so drunk, I met her family and fell into a love relationship.

2:01:09Jim Norton:Gold medal in skiing, I was. It's gayer for you to deny it. Yeah. It's fine. I said I did it.

2:01:18Brian Redban:Did she sleep over? Did you wake up next door the next morning?

2:01:22Jim Norton:No, no. I went home after. She drove me home. We didn't really sleep. There was coke. She is a gentle woman. You better watch out. She is a female driver. It was very sweet.

2:01:35Brian Redban:Amazing. What kind of car did she have? Do you remember? I don't remember. It was a little red hatchback. I always pictured big balls

2:01:42Jim Norton:hanging on the back. Truck nuts.

2:01:46Brian Redban:But they're tucked up underneath.

2:01:51Brian Redban:Oh, Joey. Congratulations. Fun set, fun interview. Love it. Great stuff. Joey Johnson, everybody. All right. I fucking love this episode tonight. I mean, unbelievable. What a showing. Golden ticket winner. Young was great. Dedrick was great. William got the whole thing started. Normally, that's how you end a show. And he went up first in this batting order tonight. So it makes you wonder, how do you end an episode like this? And, well, there's only one way to truly do that, my friends. This regular has it all. He's selling out giant theaters all around the United States of America where one day it is very likely that he will be a citizen.

2:02:43Brian Redban:But for now he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Laurie Matty.

2:03:04Tony Hinchcliffe:So there were ice raids happening this weekend in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course. I am anti-ice.

2:03:26However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my country.

2:03:41Tony Hinchcliffe:That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. Fuck off, we're full.

2:03:58Tony Hinchcliffe:I always thought I'm safe from ice because I'm white, but holy shit, things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America. God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I watched the whole video

2:04:27Tony Hinchcliffe:It was about time a Karen got shot You know what I'm saying?

2:04:35Tony Hinchcliffe:Too much of this going on This isn't right! Stop the garbage!

2:04:49Tony Hinchcliffe:Only white people feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends. They were like, oh, shot by law enforcement?

2:04:57Ian Fidance:Welcome to the game, baby.

2:05:01Tony Hinchcliffe:Thank you so much. You guys are awesome.

2:05:03Brian Redban:I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, in the history of this show, I don't think we've ever really... And I know for a fact we haven't seen anything quite like what's happening with the extremely hardworking, unbelievably hysterical R.A. Maddie. I mean, you're growing at a rate that's absolutely insane. You're using your momentum and star power. You just have momentum from the get. Every single thing is fucking hilarious. And we know you're hilarious so the expectations are raised and then boom.

2:05:36Tony Hinchcliffe:I know, dude. The expectations. It's always a guy. The men love me.

2:05:42Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. You have your own pressure. I love me. You're competing with only yourself out here. It's absolutely incredible. Jim Norton, what do you think about?

2:05:54Tony Hinchcliffe:Very, I mean, I like you. I know you. And very funny, man. I love to see, like, the more confident, like, every time I see you, it's more confidence. The material is really good. You're positive. It's just, it's great to see. I think you're very funny. And I'm happy for you. Confidence has been an issue recently, Jim. Ooh. Why? So I've been banging. Ooh. This girl. Boo.

2:06:22Tony Hinchcliffe:That must be fun. What's?

2:06:28Tony Hinchcliffe:So for a few months, I've been banging her in the right hole, everything's correct. You never know. Um... So yesterday, she tells me, the whole time we've been banging, a few months, she hasn't come even once. Ooh. Is she on Zoloft?

2:06:58Tony Hinchcliffe:God, it feels like you've been betrayed. You know? So what are you gonna do? Yeah, what did you do? So then I ask her, so is it even possible?

2:07:21Tony Hinchcliffe:She goes, yes, I come with a vibrator. So I go, where is it? Then she goes, oh, I didn't wanna bring it up because usually when I bring it up, guys get insecure, you know, and it's... I don't give off, dude. Whatever we need. I can get a black guy here in 15 minutes. I don't give a fuck. Ladies, say what makes you cum, dude. The past four months I've been buying a lie.

2:07:51Tony Hinchcliffe:Insecure, fuck. It's technology, dude, I can't, you know. You think if a Mexican guy is digging a ditch and I fucking show up with a bobcat.

2:08:04Tony Hinchcliffe:You think he's gonna be like...

2:08:09Tony Hinchcliffe:I'm useless.

2:08:13Tony Hinchcliffe:Calm, bitch! I don't give a fuck. What do we need? Was she acting like she was coming? Yes! Drama! Real good! Sydney Sweeney shit.

2:08:26Tony Hinchcliffe:Shaking! Shaking! The vibrations, they betrayed me. I know you do. I know Jim doesn't know that feeling. You know when your wife comes. Oh, yes, I do. Ah!

2:08:46Tony Hinchcliffe:Oh, you hit my shoulder that time.

2:08:52Ian Fidance:Oh, shit.

2:08:55Brian Redban:Oh, my God. So did you get the vibrator and try? Did you do it right then on the spot?

2:09:02Tony Hinchcliffe:We didn't have it there, but we're gonna try again. Just fucking grab a Roomba and fucking call tonight.

2:09:09Brian Redban:Amazing. So are you looking forward to your revenge?

2:09:12Tony Hinchcliffe:Yes, there will be revenge. I was even shopping for vibrators myself, dude. I was shopping for things where the battery isn't even enough. I was shopping for fucking tools. I was shopping for things you can plug in the wall and the lights flicker

2:09:33Tony Hinchcliffe:Dude, I'm gonna next time she's over my place dude. I'm coming with a chainsaw dude

2:09:49Brian Redban:Holy shit God. So, Ari, I mean, this is absolutely incredible. You've been all over the road lately. How's that going?

2:10:01Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, wonderful club. Stand Up Live in Phoenix. Shout out Rochester, Carlson. The clubs are so awesome. The people are awesome. If there are only more chicks, but... Yeah. It's like 500 rapists in a room. You're just yelling... You're yelling fag and you're crushing, dude. Yeah.

2:10:20Brian Redban:And that's Ari Matty Comedy.com?

2:10:23Tony Hinchcliffe:Ari Matty.com, for the love of God. Some of these shows are looking rough. I don't need this right now. No one's coming. I mean...

2:10:36Tony Hinchcliffe:Literally and figuratively, fuck!

2:10:38Brian Redban:Ari Matty.com. M-A-T-T-I. Get your fucking ticket. The great Estonian assassin Ari Matty. One more time for him. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton, everybody? Jim Norton Can't Save You. Available everywhere. Unconceivable on YouTube. A Jim Norton comedy on YouTube. One more time for Ian Fidance, everybody. His new travel show, Ian Do. Available at YouTube.com under Ian Fidance Comedy. and ianfinance.com for tour dates. Such a fun episode. Brought to you by Shopify. We are doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California in May. So come out and see that wherever you are.

2:11:33Brian Redban:If you can fly to LA and see LA. Or if you live anywhere near LA, come see a real big ass, our biggest Kill Tony of all time at the Intuit Dome. Red Band? check out my fake band Cap Red 7 on YouTube yes and other huge announcements coming soon to this live audience we love you thank you guys we'll see you next week good night everybody thank you

2:12:15ok but done Thank you.

2:12:56She's wide awake in her whiskey hole

2:13:16Thank you.

2:14:09Tony Hinchcliffe:Thank you.

2:14:16Tony Hinchcliffe:Wraps today in app or at order.sweetgreen.com. Available at participating locations only.

2:14:25Brian Redban:Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. With Mint, you can get premium wireless for just$15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments, but that's weird. Okay, one judgment. Anyway, give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. upfront payment of$45 for three month plan, equivalent to$15 per month required intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mint mobile.com. There's a world where legends race across city skylines,

2:15:03Tony Hinchcliffe:romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms,

2:15:06Brian Redban:and there's magic around every corner. It's a world known to many as great Britain.

2:15:14Tony Hinchcliffe:You've seen the action on screen. Now visit the real star of the show. Visit Great Britain. To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com slash Great Britain.