#758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

10:51Brian Redban:The new Donnell is not going to respond to that. Uncle Lazor. So what did you end up doing with the big girl that Heidi hooked you up? with. You know. Yeah, we know. We know that you know how to... I mean, the CVS got me eight bottles of baby wool, you know. Found the wet spot. Let's just say you move that furniture around. Yeah, I helped.

11:11Tony Hinchcliffe:It's a team lift.

11:13Brian Redban:I love it. Well, Lazer, great way to get the show started tonight. He came out with a bang. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. And now we go to the bucket, everyone.

11:26Brian Redban:And now to the bucket we go. Your first bucket bowl. We're going to meet them all together. This is obviously the part of the show where anything can happen. Make some noise for Seth Shepard, everybody.

11:42Donnell Rawlings:Howdy, y 'all. I found out recently I'm one-eighth black. It's our month now. Now this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words, but I sure have been thinking about it. I lost my virginity with a soft dick. Y 'all might be thinking, wow, that's got to take a hog to work, right? You'd be wrong. All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough and keeps drinking after she pukes on you.

12:21Donnell Rawlings:I was 17, she was 22, she knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey, though, we figured it out. It's all right. All right, I wish that got a bigger pot, but thank you all so much.

12:35Brian Redban:Seth Shepard. Welcome to the show, Seth.

12:38Donnell Rawlings:Thank you.

12:39Brian Redban:I love your accent. I haven't heard it since you did the narration on the Big Lebowski.

12:44Donnell Rawlings:Yes, sir. Last time I was on, you said the same thing. Yes, sir. Really? You've been on before? About a year and a half ago. It was my maybe eighth time on stage. I've been doing comedy about 16, 18 months now. Nice.

12:57Brian Redban:This is your eighth time on stage? No, last time I was on. Yes, sir. Yeah, you have an unbelievable voice. Thank you. Both your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep, without a doubt. So what's been going on, Seth? Tell us about your life. What are you doing for work right now?

13:14Donnell Rawlings:I work at a dispensary, which is pretty funny because I don't smoke weed.

13:19Tony Hinchcliffe:But I went to a gun.

13:21Brian Redban:In fact, you vote for it to be illegal every time it's on the ballot. Not my type of thing at all. I'm a simple man. I make my eggs and bacon, put on my camouflage hat, and get to writing the jokes. The squawking eagle of America is what keeps us safe, and I'm going to consider myself a true patriot. Yes, sir. When I'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs, I'm invading the Capitol. Oiling up my guns and just doing what's right for the country.

13:47Donnell Rawlings:Yes, sir. I do support the weeds. I just I feel like I'm 29. I'm too old to be so scared. It's uh, I quit smoking because I went on stage after smoking. I was like Why do you all hate me? What's going on?

14:00Trevor Wallace:I was so scared because those jokes are trash

14:08Trevor Wallace:Anybody got some heroin in this bitch? I know this the platform to support people but kill yourself It's over, son. You look like you're starting a cuckhole video.

14:23Brian Redban:Man, I don't know why that colored fella talked to me like that that night. He was disrespectful as hell.

14:31Trevor Wallace:Here's my wife on his hurt birthday. Make her feel good. He just looks like the guys that that video always click on.

14:39Brian Redban:Oh, you've seen those videos, huh? I was part of those videos. So Seth, we work at a weed dispensary. What are you doing for fun? What does a guy like Seth do for fun? You look like a man of many hobbies. I like building guns. Wow. Straight out of my impression of him. He said building guns? Building guns. Oh, I'm sorry about everything I said about you. He's also sorry for disrespecting your art form and holding them sideways every time he gets a chance.

15:10Donnell Rawlings:And so whenever I first moved down here, I was actually, I called the mothership and I said, hey, y 'all, I usually got a gun on my hip. Y 'all got pistol check? And they're like, what? I was like, if I got a gun on my hip, y 'all got somebody I can get my gun to? And they said, no. I was like, all right, I thought this was Texas. I'm sorry.

15:25Brian Redban:There's only one person that the mothership allows to have a gun in this place, and that person is D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Right. Look out.

15:36Trevor Wallace:Well, he's not doing a good job because if he built guns, you should have took the opportunity to shoot yourself before you can't do them. Build two birds with one stone.

15:45Brian Redban:Yes, sir. I love it. Seth, what's your love life like?

15:51Donnell Rawlings:It's doing all right. I actually just this past week kind of broke up with a lady because she was sending me all kinds of weird shit, kind of suicidal shit, and I'm like, sell her a gun. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, man, I got maybe six and a half good inches of dick and 15 pumps if I'm lucky. I don't know why you're about to kill yourself over that. Leave me alone. Wow.

16:12Brian Redban:Yep. Look at that. Six and a half, huh, Seth? We're doing all right. Yeah. How much bad dick do you have? I'll be honest. Don't need the base. It's so thick it doesn't go in.

16:26Tony Hinchcliffe:Little tree stump down there.

16:29Brian Redban:Seth, this is incredible. So she was suicidal, so you broke up with her? What an unbelievable boyfriend. Man of the year, everybody.

16:38Donnell Rawlings:Give her a better help read or something, dude. I avoided her for a few days, and she's like, I'm going in the dark end. I'm like, I'm the dark end.

16:52Brian Redban:Amazing, man.

16:54Tony Hinchcliffe:I've learned my lesson. Crazy pussy's the shit, but it ain't worth it at the end of the day. You need somebody who can cook you some eggs. Hang out and be a good woman.

17:03Brian Redban:Hey. It's unbelievable, this guy. I mean, unbelievable. Seth, what else do you do for fun? Give us another hobby before I get you out of here.

17:13Tony Hinchcliffe:I like to go fishing. I ain't been fishing since I moved down.

17:15Brian Redban:We already knew that. Give us another one.

17:19Donnell Rawlings:Let's see. I walk around 6th Street and just look at the homeless people. It's kind of funny. I feel like you're not a comic in Austin unless you piss in an alley and just taking a look at all the turds back there. What's going on? It's just, it's a...

17:32Brian Redban:There is a lot of turds back there. It's a lot. For those of you that just listened to the show from far away, let me tell you, right behind us, literally behind us, about 15 feet behind us, there's turds. There's a lot, yeah. Crazy, okay, Red Band. This Red Band's one fart sound effect per episode. Trevor.

17:51Donnell Rawlings:Do you think you look any homeless at all?

17:53Brian Redban:Oh, yeah, I'm sure I do. You look like Luke Nocombe, all right? Yeah. Yes, sir. Seth Shepard. What's your family like? Are they real billy goats, too? Yeah, I come from a long line of prejudiced people.

18:07Donnell Rawlings:Oh, yeah.

18:08Tony Hinchcliffe:Hell, yeah.

18:09Donnell Rawlings:They're great, but I remember whenever I was on the show last, Cam Patterson followed me up, and he said, he's got a good slave owner voice.

18:16Brian Redban:Yeah.

18:17Donnell Rawlings:And for the next two months, every time I called my dad, he's like, what's up, slave owner voice? I'm like, you can't. No, it's his. You can't say that. That's. I can't imagine what your dad's voice is like. Oh, it's great. That's a he honestly have a deeper voice than any I used to smoke three packs a day

18:32Brian Redban:So this ain't all natural I guess Wow Newports Marlboro Reds. I thought you were 1 8th black. Sorry Fair point somebody did leave

18:45Donnell Rawlings:Schools Somebody did leave a pack of Newport menthols at Creek last night. I smoked everyone. I don't know who's they were but that was Mine now.

18:54Brian Redban:Hate that for you. Real quick before I let you out of here. This soft dick, she puked. You were 17, she was 22. How did that end up happening?

19:03Donnell Rawlings:It was my sister's friend. Oh. We got drunk. It was at her house. I fucked her on her couch. Your sister?

19:12Brian Redban:My sister's friend. You have a voice like you would lose your virginity to your sister.

19:17Trevor Wallace:You ain't wrong. You ain't wrong. No disrespect to West Virginia.

19:20Brian Redban:Kentucky, yes sir. Yeah. Amazing. And why was your dick soft? Because you were drunk too. I had a fifth of whiskey.

19:27Donnell Rawlings:That was, we figured it out eventually, but it's, I have an innate tolerance to whiskey. It don't make any sense. It's, I get free drinks at some of the clubs around here. And the other, two weeks ago, I had a full, maybe 750. I don't even know, but I've never had a hangover, so I'm not learning lessons. I wish I could. The only hangover I've ever had was from tequila. Wow. Yep.

19:53Brian Redban:It's not interesting at all. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I love it. It's good when the people watching the show actually fall asleep watching it because that means that we get the entire view. It just stays on and then it rolls. And then they have to watch it again. So we get two views by having someone on like you early on in the episode. I'm a businessman on top of a host and a comedian and a roaster. So, all right. You're leaving here with a 1 8th normal size black joke book. There you go. There you go. Seth Shepard everybody On to the next one we go There goes Seth There goes Seth everybody Oh my goodness look who it is everyone the lovely Heidi everybody live in the flesh Go to Heidi Regina calm Check out our podcast love on the line Also check out the kill Tony band on YouTube.

20:45Brian Redban:They have a new show find you part two or they have a new song They do songs. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this thing, it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own. Everybody said, who's going to want to buy tickets to an open mic that they could possibly watch on YouTube for free? Filming schedule, logos. It was all overwhelming. And then one day, we introduced a new decision that needed an answer. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to-do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life.

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21:40Donnell Rawlings:Ooh-wee.

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22:45Brian Redban:Go to your happy price. Priceline. I'm R.J.

22:49Donnell Rawlings:Decker, a private investigator uncovering the sunshine state's darkest secrets.

22:54Tony Hinchcliffe:Tuesday, it's the premiere of ABC's hottest new crime show. R.J. freaking Decker as I live and breathe. He's a private eye. It's not a standard murder. It's someone bigger. And a public mass.

23:06Trevor Wallace:Trying to get someone back to prison today?

23:08Tony Hinchcliffe:You go to prison one time and suddenly it's all the jokes. RJ Decker, series premiere, Tuesday on ABC and stream on Hulu. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Julian Casas.

23:23Brian Redban:Julian Casas.

23:33Donnell Rawlings:So I don't think Stephen Hawking fucked any kids. because how?

23:50Donnell Rawlings:There's only one thing he could have done only one thing that makes any sense he'd line them up on the ground put a ramp on either side and turn this chair up to full speed

24:08Donnell Rawlings:and he has the science to make it happen

24:15Donnell Rawlings:I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks and I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way it's just the wind resistance you know what I mean it's just like

24:33alright that's my set

24:36Brian Redban:Julian Casas. Welcome, Julian. Is this your first time on the show? First time. I love it. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Six months. Six months. Very good. Amazing premise and execution. The delivery felt organic. It felt like you're new. But it was good. Yes. Thank you. It created mystery, kept us on the edge of our seats, much like Stephen Hawking. So six months in the game. How old are you? 30. 30. What made you want to start six months ago?

25:09Donnell Rawlings:I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life because I was working at Amazon. I was just tired of it. And I said, you know, what kind of life do I want to live? And I was like, do I want to be a rock star? Do I want to...

25:24Brian Redban:Hell yeah. I like the optimism.

25:29Donnell Rawlings:If I could put eight to ten hours a day into one of those things, I said comedy, I think, is the one thing that I could see myself working really hard on.

25:39Brian Redban:What came in second place to stand-up comedy? Being a rock star, were you about to go buy a guitar? Were you going to go to a guitar center or something like that and buy a guitar? Like, what was... I think...

25:52Donnell Rawlings:I don't think there was no second place. It kind of just comedy was like the only thing I could see myself doing long term and working really hard on for what ethnicity are you?

26:02Brian Redban:Mexican 100 percent.

26:04Donnell Rawlings:Both my parents, but I did a DNA test. It's like thirty five percent native Mexican.

26:10Trevor Wallace:OK, how much percentage you need to have to have an actual official ice rate in here? Is it like thirty five percent?

26:17Brian Redban:All right. They're on the way. Very cool. What do your parents do? Mom's a stay-at-home mom. What does dad do? Am I right?

26:27Donnell Rawlings:Mom's on disability. Yeah. And dad's a forklift driver.

26:33Brian Redban:Yeah, perfect.

26:34Donnell Rawlings:That's the direct makeup of Stephen Hawking right there, actually.

26:38Brian Redban:What kind of disability does your mom have? I knew you was going to. Schizophrenic. Oh, schizophrenic. Damn. Has that affected you a lot as a kid, I bet?

26:48Donnell Rawlings:Honestly, it's very low-key. She has voices in her head, but she handles it well, so she's not... Do the voices speak Spanish? I never thought to ask.

27:01Trevor Wallace:Do the voices know anything Bad Bunny was saying at the Super Bowl halftime show? I'm just curious. Can your mother translate the halftime show?

27:21Trevor Wallace:All right, I just made it.

27:23Brian Redban:Yeah. I don't know what happened. I was watching the TPAC halftime show, so I'm kidding. I would have to ask her. No, it's good. But nothing too nuts that she's ever done? Any big break meltdowns like Donnell did a few episodes ago?

27:39Donnell Rawlings:No, she's heard. Like, if she has, like, an episode, it's just really small, her handling it herself.

27:45Brian Redban:Is it an episode or it's all a novella? What do you call it exactly?

27:49Donnell Rawlings:It's more like she's talking to herself and I'm like, what's going on?

27:54Brian Redban:Right. That makes sense. Dad's cool. You and dad are close? Me and dad are close. What does he think of? Go ahead.

28:01Donnell Rawlings:My parents got separated when I was in second grade. But he lives in the same town and I see him pretty often.

28:08Trevor Wallace:But which side of your mother did he separate from? That's a good question.

28:15Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, um, her main personality, I think, but supposedly, supposedly it changed over time, so who knows.

28:25Brian Redban:Does she live by herself now, or does she have another man?

28:27Donnell Rawlings:No, she lives by herself for, like, the last, like, maybe, like, 20-something years. Okay.

28:32Trevor Wallace:But in her head, she lives with a group of people, right? Yeah.

28:35Donnell Rawlings:Oh, yeah. Well, she took us with her, too, so there's, like, a whole... You still live with Mom? Not anymore. Nice. I moved to Austin, actually.

28:44Brian Redban:You live by yourself?

28:44Donnell Rawlings:I live by myself.

28:46Brian Redban:Nice. How were you able to afford that apartment now that you, do you still work at Amazon?

28:50Donnell Rawlings:So I was working at Amazon in California, and then I just, I said, you know what, I looked up the cost of living in Austin, and I said, you know what, I could pull out my savings, go to Austin, find a job, and then last for like as long as I need to last until like my comedy skills grow. Let me ask you this.

29:12Brian Redban:How much money did you have saved up?

29:16Donnell Rawlings:About 14 ,000.

29:18Brian Redban:Very good. What's your rent a month? Like 500, 575, 575.

29:23Donnell Rawlings:I live in a travel trailer. I don't live in a... Beautiful. You ever see Uncle Lazer out there?

29:33Donnell Rawlings:Hey, Julian, can you help me move this couch over here? Come on, give me a hand.

29:39Tony Hinchcliffe:and say him with him three times, let's go. Wow.

29:43Brian Redban:Julian, you have any hobbies or anything like that?

29:47Donnell Rawlings:Sometimes I write things other than comedy. Like I like to write poetry sometimes too, and then draw. Nice. And um. What else?

29:57Trevor Wallace:Anything wild and fun? It seemed like he would be a good eulogy writer. Yeah.

30:03Donnell Rawlings:You know, I made a couple friends here, and at least one of them gets me out of the house, makes sure that I'm not stuck at home.

30:11Brian Redban:You seem like the kind of guy that could drink tequila all day, have no hangover, and if you had whiskey at all, you'd be tremendously hungover. Reverse of the last guy. I don't get hungover. Whiskey does make me emotional, though. Ooh, what kind of stuff happens to you if you drink whiskey? I start thinking about my life too much. Ah. Poetry. Are you going to get a job, though? Are you looking for a job? Just interrupt yourself? Poetry, it gets emotional. I'm Ubering now. Ooh. Yeah. Okay. Uber eats or just regular Uber with humans?

30:47Donnell Rawlings:Regular Uber. I like it better when the package gets in and out on its own. Nice.

30:52Brian Redban:I love it.

30:56Brian Redban:Brilliant. Like I said about the Stephen Hawking thing, you have a very funny brain. I think you're just going to keep getting better. I don't think there's anything that can stop you, Julian. I see it. I've been doing this way too long. I know what it's like when someone has a premise and the only thing that needs catching up is their delivery, and that's where you are right now. It's incredible. Sign up again. Here's the big joke book. Thank you. Boom. There you go. It happens. All right. Your next comedian works here. You know him. He became famous for talking about bags and boxes. This is a brand new minute from J Legend, everybody.

31:39Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, yeah. I'm dating. I had one on a date with a white woman. It's important that I say that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her, she was telling me how she was in the gender pronouns and how she identified as a they, them, which is a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy. I didn't overreact. I'm like, if that's how you choose to live your life, I'll call you what you want to be called. But I did let them know before we go out, I can only afford to pay for me and you. And if that's gonna be a problem, we shouldn't do this, because they could come, just make sure they bring money, for real.

32:13Donnell Rawlings:Because if they order anything off of this menu, they gonna pay for the shit, gratuity and all. I'm not gonna be stuck with a bill for seven fucking people, because you don't know who you want to be in life. That's not my responsibility, and I refuse to deal with it.

32:29Donnell Rawlings:The part that pissed me off the most was they got up when it was time to order, so now I look like a dumbass at the table, because the waiter takes the order, he's like, sir, what would you like? Put my order in with confidence. Then he was like, what about your guests? I was like, I don't know what they want. He said, they? You expected more people? I was like, no, it's just one of them. He said, one of them? I said, yes, nigga, one of them. I don't know what the fuck I just said. I'm confused, too. I thought you helped me figure this shit out, for real. Because at this point, it's us versus them, and we're losing.

32:56Donnell Rawlings:Are y 'all still on television?

32:57Brian Redban:Jay Lenton. Very strong set. Welcome back, Jay. Appreciate y 'all. Tony, can I say something? Oh, absolutely.

33:06Trevor Wallace:This is probably in the mind of everybody in this panel. You can't say it. I just want to say, my nigga! My nigga!

33:12Brian Redban:Hell yeah.

33:13Trevor Wallace:Oh, that's big for me.

33:15Brian Redban:That's it.

33:16Trevor Wallace:Appreciate it, guys. Not just because it's black history, just because you're black. That was it.

33:21Brian Redban:So ice was on their way. Now we're calling the police, everybody. They're already here.

33:25Donnell Rawlings:Look in the corner.

33:27Brian Redban:Yes, there he is, watching with a watchful eye over there, keeping an eye on everything. Jay, how's life going?

33:34Donnell Rawlings:Man, it's going good, man. I'm fucking just working here all the time, making sure y 'all shares is in order before y 'all get in here, taking out the trash when y 'all leave, all y 'all zins on the fucking floor. Stop that shit. That's true. Y 'all laughing. That's true.

33:53Brian Redban:Somebody's got to do it. One of the great door guys of the mothership. Jay, what's your personal life like? What are you doing out there? You live by yourself? No, so I have a house full.

34:03Donnell Rawlings:So I got a baby mama I'm not with. She lives with me, and I got my two kids, and that's why she there.

34:11Brian Redban:So you're not with the baby mama, but she lives with you.

34:14Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, I pay all the bills and shit, and she there because I come out and work nights, so I need somebody to take care of the kids,

34:20Brian Redban:so she useful. You have two kids with her.

34:24Donnell Rawlings:Yes.

34:24Brian Redban:Okay.

34:25Donnell Rawlings:Same baby mom before you ask.

34:27Brian Redban:Yes. But you don't... That was my next question.

34:30Donnell Rawlings:But you don't hook up with her at all, ever? No. Oh, that's total toxic. No, hell no. I'm scared. I'm scared, because if another kid happens, I'm about to jump off or something. But you pay all the bills? Yeah. Do you ever look at her and go, I am the captain now. I should.

34:49Brian Redban:Maybe that should have worked.

34:50Tony Hinchcliffe:I thought more Arnold than anything. That was horrible. I'm sorry.

34:52Brian Redban:No, that's perfect. When you say it's a toxic relationship, can you give us some examples of what you mean exactly?

34:58Donnell Rawlings:Okay, so she got this super depressive personality where she can't be happy about shit in life. We know a good gun guy. Somebody said, oh. Yeah, I already bought one. It's on the way. Yeah, but I try to make things happy because I'm a comedian. I like laughing and shit. And she'd be like, no, I'm cool with being depressed. and that can make for a toxic house. So especially when you pay all the bills and you expect somebody to be happy with that and she comes and be like, you know you left the lights on? Well, bitch, I paid the bills in here. I get to fucking leave all the... Now you're gonna sleep in the light.

35:32Donnell Rawlings:How about that?

35:34Brian Redban:You're damn right. You're damn right. So you don't ever get to hook up with chicks, huh?

35:39Donnell Rawlings:At their places, yeah. You can't come to my house. There's too much going on in here. Right, right. Can you imagine that happening? How old are the kids? Four on one. My son's four. My daughter's one. He got autism. That's pretty cool.

35:52Brian Redban:Oh, damn.

35:54Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, don't... What did y 'all... It's cool. It's fucked. He don't talk a lot, so his house is quieter. Pfft.

36:05Donnell Rawlings:Gotta think about the positives, dumbass.

36:10Brian Redban:I love it. I love it. I wish more of you were autistic. I got a question.

36:18You...

36:29Trevor Wallace:What was the demise of your relationship with your baby mom? What was the demise?

36:35Donnell Rawlings:It always was the depressive shit. I thought it would get better. Like, I was the type of guy, I was like, I don't want to just walk out. This is what my dad did. We can't do the repeat shit. So I was like, let's stick around and see if it can work out. And if I could, like, try to talk greatest into her. And then after a while, I'm like, damn, I'm talking to a wall. And you kind of just be like, all right, we're not going to figure this out. So we just go out separate ways.

36:57Brian Redban:Now, was she the one that famously left you with Bags and Boxes?

37:01Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, she was the one.

37:02Brian Redban:I wrote a song for her. That was how much I tried. We remember the legendary song. But then you moved back in.

37:09Donnell Rawlings:No, she moved in with me. Oh. She lived with me. I want people to get that shit straight, too. because I ain't want to get it wrong. She live with me. They be like, you live with your baby? No, she live with me. I'm not one of them couch-sleeping baby daddies. I'm fucking handling shit.

37:25Brian Redban:It's amazing that you are trying so hard to be a good father. Yeah, thank you. It's incredible. It's like when you see an Asian basketball player or something. It's the opposite of the stereotype. How did that Asian do that? We know that Asians are good at ping pong or like you guys are good at walking out.

37:46Donnell Rawlings:Fucking breaking down barriers every day.

37:48Brian Redban:It's incredible.

37:49Donnell Rawlings:I'm like the Jackie Robinson of baby dads.

37:52Brian Redban:Yep.

37:53Donnell Rawlings:Yep.

37:55Trevor Wallace:Every black person is a Jackie Robinson to be.

37:59Brian Redban:Jackie Robinson was the Jackie Robinson. Jay, anything else crazy in life going on?

38:06Donnell Rawlings:I mean, not crazy. I got some past shit. Like the blackest shit about me is I was almost sold for crack as a baby. That was insane. Yeah, I had 17-year-old parents, and they left me with my crackhead grandma, and then they came back from working at Burger King, and my mom was like, where's my baby? And trying to get that answer from a crackhead is pretty hard. And my dad was a crack dealer, so he knew all the hot spots, so he was like, you chill out, and I'm gonna go find him. He came back like two hours later with me. That's a crazy fucking...

38:37Brian Redban:That is a crazy story.

38:39Donnell Rawlings:I could have been with a better family.

38:46Donnell Rawlings:How much did they try to sell you for? I don't know, but I think it was like two fucking dime bags or whatever, which back then, I was born in the 90s, so I feel like with inflation, that would be like an eight ball, which is a lot of money.

38:58Brian Redban:Yep.

38:59Donnell Rawlings:So I was a expensive-ass baby. This nigga proud. He's like, good job.

39:06Brian Redban:Incredible, Jay. You are very charismatic. Did you happen to hear any weird noises while you were up here? Did you notice anything?

39:13Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, I don't give a fuck. See, I like the fucking fire detector. I don't change the batteries on purpose. It's like white noise for me. It's like a little instrumental waiting to happen. It's a metronome for you.

39:26Brian Redban:Funny that it's white noise to you because it's a black noise to us.

39:32Brian Redban:Jay, you already have a big joke book, right?

39:35Donnell Rawlings:Yeah.

39:36Brian Redban:Is it filled up?

39:37Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, it's filled up.

39:38Brian Redban:Okay, here's another one. Jay Legend getting a black one. Yeah, yeah. Little Black Baby Joke Book. Jay Legend, everybody. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Derek Larson. Everyone, make some noise for Derek Larson.

40:01Donnell Rawlings:Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not from Texas. When I first moved here, I thought I was going to have to learn the Texas lingo. So I started saying things like, howdy. I reckon and yee-haw after somebody would say the n-word. Yeah, I learned pretty quick. That's not how people talk in Austin at all. No, people here, they say things like woke and progressive. And if you live here long enough, you'll say the same kind of stuff too. Like the other day, this person walks by and I turn to my buddy, I go, damn dude, check out the ass on that they them. A little about me, I have a pocket pussy. Yeah. I'll be honest with you guys, after I use it a couple times, starts to taste kind of weird.

40:42Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, but hey, a chef should ever fear his own recipe. Am I right, fellas? Yeah, my pocket pussy is also brown, so you know when I'm using it, I'm yelling e-haul. All right, yeah. Cool. I hooked up with this big girl recently. Talk about a heavy sleeper.

41:08Brian Redban:All right, fuck. Thank you. Derek Larson. All right. Is this your first time on the show, Derek? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up?

41:16Donnell Rawlings:Like seven years on and off.

41:18Brian Redban:Yee-haw! Okay. Yeah. Damn. When did you move here?

41:24Donnell Rawlings:Three years ago. Three.

41:25Brian Redban:Where did you come from? Wichita, Kansas. Wichita, Kansas. What? Oh my God. Okay, Matt. Doesn't say anything ever. Yeah, he speaks once every two months. I said Wichita. He said, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe? Again, autism is spreading through the United States of America. It is an epidemic. Derek, Wichita, Kansas. And what do you do for work?

42:01Donnell Rawlings:I am a rope access technician, so I clean the high-rises and stuff on ropes. Like cleaning windows, maintenance, whatever, but on ropes.

42:11Brian Redban:Very nice. What's the highest you've ever been on a building, ballpark?

42:16Donnell Rawlings:It's one of the rainy new buildings. It's like 45 stories. And it has an overhang, which is – it was scary. You ever thought about it? I got to go to work tomorrow. Yes. No, I'm kidding. No. Tell us about this pocket pussy. True or no? Do you eat it like a Go-Gurt? How'd you do it? Just slurp it all the way up? You got to make it work, you know? No, I... no.

42:44Brian Redban:Right. Let me ask you this. When you're out there cleaning windows, you know, I can tell you, Red Band can tell you, a lot of stuff goes down, and you never know when you people are coming. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen inside of one of these crazy windows?

42:58Donnell Rawlings:Oh, man. It's so funny. Everybody has such great stories. Mine are just kind of gay. Perfect.

43:04Trevor Wallace:The boys just went gay just now.

43:06Donnell Rawlings:I don't know what happened. It wasn't fun, man. It was so, like, you drop. And, like, of course, they don't know we're coming. Right. I dropped on this window. And I swear to God, this dude was just jerking off on his couch. And, like, he looked at me and made eye contact and, like, kept going. I swear to God. I would have nutted on the window and been like, clean that, bitch. Oh. We don't think you could see us. I think that's the main thing. Like, I always think you can't see the reflections and shit. We tried to make it seem like we don't see what's going on. That was his day.

43:40Trevor Wallace:He was like, boy, if a window washer come down here, it's going to be hee-haw. No doubt about it.

43:47Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, it was so weird. It was a weird situation. And I got to finish the... I can't just drop down. You could just drop down. You enjoyed this shit, motherfucker.

43:56Brian Redban:It was new. Yeah, you could mission impossible that go a little bit Go a little lower, but you chose to stay there You know what I would have done. You know me. I would have stared right at the guy started jerking off myself But I would have taken my rappel rope and wrapped it once around my neck I thought I'm really just fucking really gotten into it. You know what I mean? I'm into crazy shit There's a certain level of success where you hit where you can't just come like a normal person anymore I have to absolutely be getting choked out by something.

44:26Trevor Wallace:What does that cost? Sudo something, right? What is it called? What is it?

44:30Brian Redban:I call it pulling a David Carradine.

44:33Trevor Wallace:What is it called? That's a freak. Anybody can pronounce that as a fucking freaky motherfucker.

44:38Brian Redban:Yeah. Autoerotic asphyxiation. Michael Gonzalez, our resident kink. Okay. So, Derek, give us a crazy fun fact about your life. Wichita, Kansas, you got some hillbilly parents?

44:52Donnell Rawlings:No, my parents are pretty cool. I was a pretty bad drinker. Well, I've had a drinking problem for like seven years, and recently I stopped finally. What made you stop? My parents came and visited. And I was like, what? You guys know where I live? No.

45:06Brian Redban:No, it wasn't like that. It was like a very heart-to-heart. How bad was it? Were you drinking during the day? Yeah. By yourself?

45:13Donnell Rawlings:Basically every night, drinking about half a bottle of whiskey. Wow. Yeah, it got pretty bad to where it was every night. But I wouldn't do it during work or anything, obviously. But I would wake up still drunk and be like, this is horrible. And then seven years later, I'm like, I'm going to do something about it.

45:31Brian Redban:Yeah. Awesome. How old are you again?

45:33Donnell Rawlings:I'm 31.

45:34Brian Redban:31. Yeah. Perfect. There you go. There's still time, Red Band. You just get a bigger bottle of whiskey. You get one of those big Costco jugs.

45:43Donnell Rawlings:Well, so I had like a legit – where I would buy the small bottle because I like drinking out of the bottle. And then I'd fill it up with the big bottle. So I'd like buy the big bottle and just keep refilling the small bottles.

45:54Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. Yeah, you had a problem.

45:56Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. I didn't think it was a problem because I would just stay home and drink. So I'm like, I'm not hurting anybody, but it turns out I hurt myself.

46:04Brian Redban:Amazing. Worst night of drinking you ever had. Would you ever hit a bottom before you kept going?

46:11Donnell Rawlings:One time I got drunk and I took my, obviously in Kansas it gets cold and it snows. I didn't realize that when people made snowmen, like after a couple of days it turns into pure ice. me and my buddy got drunk one night and we just plowed through snowmen through people's yards. In my car? In my car, yeah. Fucked my car up. Oh, yeah. Fucked it. And now we were so drunk, we were like, this is so fun. And then the next day I'm like, oh my god, my dad's gonna beat the shit out of me. Wow.

46:35Brian Redban:Incredible. What's your love life like, Derek?

46:38Donnell Rawlings:Non-existent. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time.

46:41Brian Redban:Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

46:44Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, I moved here three years ago. Oh, perfect. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you gotta snag one every now and again. You know, get them on 6th Street while they're incomprehensible. I don't know. I'm sorry. Get them with your rope. Come here, bitch!

47:02Brian Redban:I love it. Well, Derek, fun times. Here's a joke book. How about a hand for Derek Larson, everybody?

47:10Donnell Rawlings:Thank you so much, man. Yeah.

47:12Brian Redban:All right. We're flying through it tonight. Here's your next bucket pool. You guys having fun out there? Alright, make some noise for your next one It's Nick Cano, everybody Nick Cano is next on Kill Toe

47:29Donnell Rawlings:I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone And he was ignoring me He was really pissing me off So I was like, you know what, man, fuck you Go to hell You know what, go to black hell That got his attention Yeah, he turned around real quick Yo, black hell is crazy, bro Is it? You guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil. Like the most evil guy of all time. What do you think black hell would be like? Just more every day finding out you are the father forever? Baby's name is Smoke Detector, always needs batteries, you know? There's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell.

48:06Donnell Rawlings:There's top end, bottom, hell yeah. I'm not homophobic, I just hate people that love to gossip.

48:16Donnell Rawlings:Japanese hell would just be Vietnamese heaven.

48:22Donnell Rawlings:I don't know. I think Mexican hell is actually froze over right now because of all the ice. I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian hell. Can you imagine how bad that place fucking smells? Holy shit. Thank you so much, guys.

48:37Brian Redban:Fuck yeah. Nick Cano. Sticking with one bit for a full minute. Great stuff, man. How long have you been on stand-up? A year and a half. A year and a half. All of it in Austin? Uh, Fort Worth. Okay, that's where you live now? Yes, sir. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work at Big Laugh. Big Laugh Comedy Club in Fort Worth. Okay, perfect.

48:58Trevor Wallace:I actually feel like I'm in black hell listening to these jokes.

49:06Trevor Wallace:Oh my God, I'm in black hell in Black History Month! What the fuck am I doing?! You done had to start with black hell. You should have closed with black hell.

49:18Donnell Rawlings:I should have, but I feel like that would be more disrespectful. It is Black History Month. Put them in front of the joke instead of the back of the buses.

49:25Brian Redban:There you go. There it is. That was a good deal. That was funny.

49:32Trevor Wallace:Now I'm in black heaven right now. That was a funny joke.

49:36Brian Redban:Nick, tell us more about your life. What ethnicity are you? You look like you could be fucking everything.

49:42Donnell Rawlings:I've been told I look ambiguous and I fucking hate it. I'm 100 % Mexican. You look like a big mouth character for sure. I fucking wish. There's a troll going on with you, buddy. I fucking wish I'd probably get pussy. Wow.

49:57Brian Redban:So you're 100 % Mexican? Yeah. What are your parents like? They are dead. Wow.

50:04Donnell Rawlings:How did they die? My mom had like a fucking brain aneurysm.

50:12Donnell Rawlings:How did your dad die? My dad died. Funny story, guys. I tried to kill myself one time, and my dad missed his dialysis. So one day he woke up having a heart attack, and I was still overdosing or like high on Xanax. So I had to drive him like 120 miles an hour to like 30 minutes away hospital. Took the wrong turn, and he died in the car.

50:39Wow.

50:39Brian Redban:Wow. That's one of the most amazing answers to a question I've ever gotten on this show. So, how long ago did that happen? That was in 2018. 2018. So, I'd imagine you felt a lot of guilt.

50:54Donnell Rawlings:Oh, yeah. It definitely didn't help at all that I was high the whole time, you know? You know how annoying it is to be woken up at all by your parents? Imagine being stoned high off of Xanax, and your dad's like, I'm having a heart attack. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? I was freaking out. I hated it, so I just delved into it more and went to jail and shit. Right.

51:17Trevor Wallace:I think his hell is a lot worse than black hell. Yeah, man. That's how you...

51:23Brian Redban:His fucking hell is a motherfucker. That's why I go to church now. Yeah. Do you go to church now? No, that's a lie. Oh, okay. You're a funny guy, Nick. Thank you. That's what it takes. It takes a lot of darkness. People with two dead parents are always very funny. It's a thing. I agree. Everybody should kill their parents. There you go. If you want to make it big, you know what to do. That's right. Amazing. What other trauma do you have in life? Because you said your parents were dead like it was nothing.

51:58Donnell Rawlings:I actually do this show called Trauma Dumping because it's a bunch of bullshit. This girl one time, I took her to go see Sam Tallon in Hyenas and she threw up all over me and told me she was cheating on me. Wow. And then said, I asked her why and she goes, I just find them more attractive than you in every weight possible. So I lost like a hundred pounds and yeah, I started being really mean to girls.

52:22Brian Redban:You started being really mean to girls? Yeah. Oh my God, in what way? Tell us about that.

52:26Donnell Rawlings:Um, like, I don't know. Apparently, you're not supposed to hook up with comics because it makes things really weird. Like... Speak for yourself.

52:38Trevor Wallace:You make anything really weird. Yeah, I do. Touché. Wait, do you know what touche means? I don't know.

52:44Donnell Rawlings:I do. Okay, okay, cool. Cool. Okay, cool. I'm just checking. You know what? I've been nice and shit.

52:49Trevor Wallace:I just learned backstage. I've been nice and shit. Yo, if you kill yourself tonight, I wouldn't give a fuck. I wouldn't give a fuck either, bro. In fact, the guy that had the gun, I'm gonna tell him to bring it back so you can shoot yourself right in the fucking temple. I'll send you a letter of what hell I end up in. All right, okay.

53:06Brian Redban:God damn it, I love you, dude. Yeah. Amazing. Nick, before I let you go, what... No, let him go.

53:17Trevor Wallace:Let him get the fuck out of here, man. I love him. There's some rope on the balcony, man. Just fucking jump. This will be the first time I walk before you do, man. Hey! Nick, panel. Let me tell you what I do. Listen, look how much better I make this garbage-ass comedian. Now he's got his rhythm, it's dark, we're having fun, and I appreciate that. And what I found for that, it feels like you need to be pushed in a corner to really be funny. You are coming from a dark place. and I think it's something to be said to have as much tragedy as you had in your life to be able to make fun of it. Even though I'm the butt of your jokes, I don't have a problem with that, but something sparked you to be funny because the other shit you did was very suicidal.

54:01Trevor Wallace:Now, you're going to live. Fuck! Let's find out.

54:10Brian Redban:Nick Cano, I love your style, love your jokes. Amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book. Great stuff. Ha, ha, ha. Fuck outta here.

54:21Donnell Rawlings:Hey, man, that's racist. No, no, no. Not today. Woo! Woo!

54:30Trevor Wallace:Woo! Nick Hano, everybody. Woo! I just, my tumbled his whole dreams. Not today, motherfucker.

54:40Brian Redban:Well, this is very exciting. This looks like a new name. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Randolph Davies, everybody. Randolph. Oh, okay.

54:57Tony Hinchcliffe:No way. No way. No way. That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep.

55:15I was, I've been on the road with the Counting Crows for about 35 years.

55:23Tony Hinchcliffe:You know, you see a lot of stuff, you get a lot of, a lot of things get you down, get you tense, so I try to get a massage from time to time. And I went to this, I used to get a massage from this girl, she started having too many seizures, so I had to stop using her. But, uh, so I got a new girl, bigger girl, fat, you could say, right? And, uh, a lot of that would push, push up on top of me. I was getting, get a massage, getting relaxed, fell asleep. And I wake up and, uh, and she goes, Hey, sorry about the fart. And I said, uh, what? And at first I thought she was blaming, you know, blaming me.

56:04Tony Hinchcliffe:I'm like, sorry about you. Couldn't control your asshole. You know? and then I said uh I said my bad it has a mind of its own and she goes no no I'm the one that farted I'm the farter is what she said I said I don't know why don't know why you would you know turn yourself in after you robbed the bank but that's not going to help your reviews you know I'm saying I'm not going to go online and say Tina's super honest I love that

56:34Tony Hinchcliffe:And if you fall asleep at the right moment, she'll put a little secret in your mouth for free. All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much.

56:41Brian Redban:Wow. Randolph Davies. Unbelievable. I've never... I mean, look at you. This is incredible. Unbelievable execution, writing, timing, beats. It all seems genuine. The cowboy hat doesn't fit. You're at the top of your head. But you seem like you got a lot of stories, pal. I could tell you a few. Wow. What was working with the Counting Crows for that long like?

57:18Tony Hinchcliffe:I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars, get them drugs, find restaurants that were fun to go to, get them Pad Thai whenever they need it.

57:26Brian Redban:Yeah.

57:29Tony Hinchcliffe:One time we were in New Jersey, Adam Durst and I went to a regular massage parlor. And you can always tell when it's not, you know? The marquee's just a little bit worn down, kind of like the people inside, you know? And we get in there, and right away, I don't want to do the accent, but you know who it was, you know? and uh she said something i didn't understand and and uh i knew what it meant though you know what i'm saying there was a twinkle in her eye like she you know like she was down to clown you know so adam and i went in they only had one room so we had to be in there together and uh well long story short we uh we both got jerked off at the same time and this was two days before Christmas I looked over to him and I said boy this is quite the long December do you know what I'm saying

58:29Brian Redban:wow Randolph Davies has arrived to the Kill Tony universe I've noticed that almost every one of your jokes and stories revolves around getting a massage

58:45Tony Hinchcliffe:Well, you know, life gets hard, Tony. You gotta relax. And it's the only way for me to shut down, mentally and physically. So, some people, you know, I'll play with Xbox Live from time to time. Wow.

58:57Brian Redban:Wow.

58:59Tony Hinchcliffe:FreeBritney69 if you want to find me on Xbox, by the way.

59:02Brian Redban:That's your handle? FreeBritney? Is that for Britney Spears?

59:06Tony Hinchcliffe:No, for Britney Griner. Oh.

59:15Brian Redban:Oh, he picked up the toothpick and right back in the mouth.

59:19Tony Hinchcliffe:This is a true road dog. Hey, Lord knows this thing ain't been worse places than I have.

59:25Brian Redban:Wow, Randolph, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time. This is your first time. First time ever on stage. Absolutely worked continuous beats on the audience. Like a pro. Like someone that's been doing it for decades. Absolutely incredible. What made you want to... How old are you? 55. 55. What made you want to start stand-up here on Kill Tony tonight at 55?

59:55Tony Hinchcliffe:Well, you know, life gets crazy, Tony. I've been living in Temecula for about the last 14 years, right? My wife and my ex-wife became friends. We opened up a winery called Oops. Which I know sounds like a jokey beverage establishment, but it's actually, you know, it's kid-friendly. We have a little petting zoo and all that shit, you know. But my point is, you know, I've just traveled everywhere, I've done everything, and I just figured, you know, shit, it's either, you know, fuck a guy or do stand-up at this point. Wow. You came to the right show, buddy. Yep. Bad boy. I like her.

1:00:38Trevor Wallace:All them players. I got a question for you. You say this is your first time doing stand-up? That's right, sir. But it's obvious that you had some jokes that you prepared. How long did you think about doing stand-up before you decided you actually were going to do it?

1:00:57Tony Hinchcliffe:Well, you know, I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show.

1:01:04Trevor Wallace:I'm just trying to get people to know. I just want... I was trying to...

1:01:08Tony Hinchcliffe:I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. Settle down, settle down.

1:01:15Trevor Wallace:This is why I don't wanna give good advice to try to do some restructuring.

1:01:19Tony Hinchcliffe:I read you loud and clear, I appreciate it. You know, it's one of those things, again, I've done it all. I've been around the moon and back, you know? Yeah. And you just get to a point where you go, what else is there to do? But also, I got so many stories, I don't wanna put them in a book, you know? Nobody reads books anymore. Right. They either listen to the book or they want to go see the book live in film form. Two girls out.

1:01:43Trevor Wallace:How fucking long did it take you to decide if this is something you really wanted to do? About 15 minutes. Okay.

1:01:55Tony Hinchcliffe:You see, you see, you see, you see, you see, I'm not a guy, I'm not a guy, Darnell, that does. I don't. He's paying attention. He's paying attention. I'm a fan. I'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead. Life throws so much at you. Life is, I mean, I've dated girls. You know, I've fucked pregnant girls. I've fucked a girl with, you know, oh, man, she had cervical cancer for about a month.

1:02:29Brian Redban:What was that like? Can you describe that to us?

1:02:32Tony Hinchcliffe:The sex was unbelievable.

1:02:33Brian Redban:Yeah.

1:02:34Tony Hinchcliffe:Because she thought this was a wrap, you know? So we got to do everything. She beat it.

1:02:44Tony Hinchcliffe:She beat it. Shout out to Jill. Wow.

1:02:50Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. And the pregnant women, you said women, plural Randolph Davies.

1:02:55Tony Hinchcliffe:I did, didn't I?

1:02:56Brian Redban:Yeah, you did. What's that like? I've never been with a pregnant woman. Is there something that you've noticed that's different than a pregnant woman, than a woman that isn't pregnant?

1:03:05Tony Hinchcliffe:I mean, look, that's, you know, that's like asking someone to explain the plot of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You know what I'm saying? You want to know, but you don't have time.

1:03:29Brian Redban:Do you have any fun stories about Courtney Cox?

1:03:33Tony Hinchcliffe:I thought you were going to ask me to do the secret show.

1:03:36Brian Redban:I would love to have you on the secret show. Amazing.

1:03:40Tony Hinchcliffe:No, I'm busy. I'm busy. He's busy.

1:03:42Brian Redban:You can't make it to the secret show.

1:03:45Tony Hinchcliffe:I got to get a wart removed. I do. I got a wart on my finger. Those pregnant bitches got it somewhere. Wow. What was the question, Brian?

1:03:57Donnell Rawlings:Do you ever have any fun stories about Courtney Cox? You know, counting crows?

1:04:00Tony Hinchcliffe:Yeah, I partied with Courtney a couple of times as pre-friends. And she was wild, spunky. Yeah. People always say Matthew Perry was a crazy one because of the whole hot tub thing. But no, she, Courtney Cox was spunky, adventurous, always. Every other day, she's like, you want to go bungee jumping or, you know, go down to, you know, go down to Yoshinoya. You ever, you know what Yoshinoya is? It's a fast food Chinese restaurant. Yeah. I mean, it's, they should call it E. coli city. Yeah. But she always wanted to eat there. So to me, that was, well, she's a risk taker, right? But I saw her tits once.

1:04:34Brian Redban:Yeah?

1:04:35Tony Hinchcliffe:Beautiful. And I don't want to say, like, that's, you know, I don't know her personally because of that, but, you know, once you see someone half naked, you get a little bit more familiarity, right? What was the question again, Brian?

1:04:47Brian Redban:The perfect answer. No, you nailed it. It was great. Very funny. You nailed it. You were a roadie for the Counting Crows for 35 years? That's right. I'd imagine you know how to play the guitar, right? Are there any other instruments or special skills or talents that you have?

1:05:05Tony Hinchcliffe:I was an auctioneer for a little bit. You know, mostly, you know, there's haikus, you know. I had a nephew, well, have, I guess he's, you know, he's an RIP. He's dead to me, but he's, uh... Shout out to Nathan. But he, you know, he's just went down the wrong path, as we all do at some point. And he just needs to find his way back, you know. But he would always try to coerce me into going down to his little slam poetry things. And no offense, but there are, you know, one too many Indian people down there, you know. Which is fine. I just hadn't, you know, they're always coming up, you know, big Counting Crow fans, you know, the Indian people.

1:05:44Tony Hinchcliffe:So just a lot of questions from my side of things. And I just, you know, want to be out and enjoy, support my nephew. And here I am, you know. Oh, yeah, no, I was at Sarasota, too, sir. you know but yeah so uh spoken word you know if you guys want to hit me with a little something i can give you a little bit of a the slam poetry that i used to oh hell yeah absolutely

1:06:03Brian Redban:i could i could listen to you and talk to you all day randolph davies let it rip something in the key of e but also dealer's choice you know it's your show

1:06:22Brian Redban:Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Randolph Davies. The Kill Tony debut of Randolph Davies.

1:06:32Well, I was driving drunk again down the 405.

1:06:37Tony Hinchcliffe:Couldn't quite remember. I wanted to be alive. So I opened up my book, and I remembered what Captain Hook said in Peter Pan. He said, he said, give me all them boys. Give me all them girls. I'm gonna take them to the plank and watch them vanilla swirl down into the ocean.

1:07:08Tony Hinchcliffe:Deep inside the ocean There might be sharks. Look out. Big old fish and trout. Maybe we can get back to land and find my friend Stan. He has the drugs. Stan always had drugs, I'll tell you this one. but Stan gave me a pill one time, and I danced with a coconut tree for an hour and a half. Ooh, she could move.

1:07:47Tony Hinchcliffe:She could groove.

1:07:53Tony Hinchcliffe:But one thing I learned in this life at 55 years old is that even through a pandemic, Mold is mold. So throw that peanut butter in the trash. It ain't good no more. It ain't good no more.

1:08:18Tony Hinchcliffe:I'm allergic to gluten, by the way. All right, that's it. Thank you so much. That's it out of me. Randolph Davis.

1:08:31Brian Redban:Wait, Randolph, I gotta tell you, every once in a while an absolute saint comes around. My friend, you are the newest Golden Ticket winner here on Kill Tony.

1:08:50Randolph, take that with you.

1:08:53Brian Redban:Randolph Davies, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Randolph in the very near future. Absolutely incredible.

1:09:06Oh.

1:09:08Brian Redban:All right. Well, you guys, this is the greatest show in the world or what, huh? There's Heidi. All right, let's get another bucket pool up here. Make some noise for Pat O 'Neill, everybody Pat O 'Neill.

1:09:29Brian Redban:Folks, I was watching Batman earlier and it really got me thinking you know cuz Bruce Wayne his alter ego is Batman inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man.

1:09:50Brian Redban:Man, okay. And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation, not nearly enough of them are Japanese.

1:10:01Brian Redban:Come on, Asian jokes are short-sighted. And what do I know? Until Oppenheimer came out, I thought Nagasaki was about black blowjobs.

1:10:16Brian Redban:Speaking of overreactions, Hamas really brought a knife to a fucking space laser fight, huh? Holy shit. Out of control. I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East has lasted so long. Considering half of them face the same way five times a day. Fucking sneak up behind them. Problem solved! You are welcome, Jews! Okay, thank you. Wow, Pat O 'Neill has done it again.

1:10:53Brian Redban:You are one of the funniest people, Pat. How's life going, buddy? Eh, all right. How about you? I'm great, Pat, I'm great. Good, good. Pat looks like this all the time, by the way. This isn't a character or anything.

1:11:05Trevor Wallace:No, he looks and sounds suicidal, but I would try to save his life. I'm telling you, you... I don't know too much about you, whatever, but you have a very funny, funny energy. It always reminds me of, like, Howie Mandel, when Howie Mandel first started, right? He had this nervous energy, and he worked with it. This is my first time seeing you, but you look funny, you sound funny, and you're funny.

1:11:29Brian Redban:Hey, remember the last time you were on, you wanted to fuck that trans girl?

1:11:45Brian Redban:Thank you, sir. Uh... Oh.

1:11:55Brian Redban:I'm sorry, Tom.

1:11:56Trevor Wallace:I'm sorry. You know what? That's funny. I'll just leave it at that. My DMs are already blown up. I don't need no more Tanya Tonys in my motherfucking DM. But I do remember that time where I misspoke And I said something that was inappropriate that's what I remember, but you're still funny. Thank you. Thank you Don, did you fuck that trans girl?

1:12:20Brian Redban:I'm fucking let's get to it together after Hell yeah, look at that someone order the charcuterie board. There's three types of crazy meat at this party Pat what is your love life like you seem like the kind of guy that would fuck almost anything Out of the dating game, doing that thing lately where you'll whack off for hours before finishing. Ooh, tell us about that. What's that like? What's it called again? Edgy! Oh yeah, Coke. I'm doing a lot of cocaine. Oh. Tough to come on coke. Wow. Incredible. Where are you, uh, how often are you doing cocaine? Uh, I don't know. Nail? Yes. No, not anymore.

1:13:05Brian Redban:Not anymore. Deviated septum. Oh. Better to go to sleep every now and then. Yeah. You're such a funny guy, Pat. Are you getting on stage a lot here in Austin? Yeah. Yeah. Every night? Yeah. What do you do for work? I got fired two weeks ago. Ooh. Fired from? Like a mortgage company. What did you do to get fired? Um... Cocaine.

1:13:37Brian Redban:That's how the septum got deviated. Yes. I understand the nature of the show, but I have like a severance thing where I'm getting paid, so I like literally cannot... Perfect answer. I'm sorry. No, it's great. No, I love it. Saying I understand the nature of the show, but I have a severance thing is actually the best answer I think we've ever gotten for that question. I can't be homeless. I'm sorry. No, it's fantastic. You already look it. You can't actually live it. Tell us something else crazy about your life, Pat. How did you end up like this? Are your parents dead too? My dad is, yes. Yep, there you go.

1:14:11Brian Redban:Dead as a doorknob. How did your dad die? Liver cirrhosis at age 40. Oh, wow. My god. How much was he drinking to get that at 40? A lot. Yeah, all day? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Amazing. I ask these questions because I like to have a few drinks at night and I get scared. I'm a little hypochondriac. 40. That's amazing. How old was he when he had you? I don't know. How old were you when he died? Let's put it that way. 16, I think. Okay. How old are you now? You look like you could be anything. Somehow still look 16. You locked in. 29. 29. Perfect. 20. Jesus. Yeah. You guys might not be able to hear it over the podcast, but the entire crowd just gasped and all said different words.

1:15:05Brian Redban:A lot of fucked Jesuses. Very rude audience.

1:15:12Brian Redban:Make these fuckers laugh. Pat, you are absolutely hilarious. We love you here on this show. Keep coming back. Golden ticket gold. Is that what you want? More than anything in the world. Really? My whole life took, yeah. Well, I just gave the only one I have up here away. But I won't disappoint you. I won't bother you to be on a lot. You know, we got another one. Fuck you, Pat O 'Neil. You just want a golden ticket. Boom. There you go. Thank you. Congratulations.

1:15:45Brian Redban:There you go. You're going to invite him to do the secret show? All right, well, it's good when you do it on the mic. But there you go. He's got a gig on Thursday.

1:15:53Donnell Rawlings:He's gonna sell this shit on Facebook Marketplace for sure.

1:15:57Brian Redban:Yeah. Honestly, I think he was deserved for a long time ago. Of course, yes, I completely agree. I completely agree. It takes a lot to do that as a normal white guy nowadays. And he always absolutely knocks it out of the park. How about one more time for Pat O 'Neill, everybody? There are Golden Ticket winners on this show that leave avails, and sometimes we can squeeze them into the show. And then there are regulars, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian is a regular, and there is a big difference between regulars and Golden Ticket winners. Regulars have to write a new minute every single week.

1:16:34Brian Redban:This is one of those guys. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some fucking noise for the one and only. This is a brand new set from Dedrick Flynn.

1:16:50Yeah!

1:16:54Donnell Rawlings:Y 'all, me and my white roommate, I had to go do a show in Marble Falls, Texas. It's not a real place, even though I went there. And when the sun went down, I looked at my roommate. I said, I think it's time for us to go. I think that's the rules out here. And so we start driving back, and the shit look on the way. There's no, like, street lights. It looked like where you meet the devil, and that nigga charged, like, he challenged you to play guitar for your soul. And so while we driving, I looked at him, and I said, yo, I got to pee. I'm about to pee in this Gatorade bottle. And then he looked at me, his white ass said, I'll just pull over.

1:17:32Donnell Rawlings:No, nigga, you're not. All right, we are not, we're not stopping here. And then he was like, what, you scared like a mountain lion's gonna come get you? I said, nigga, that's best-case scenario. Worst case scenario, a white guy. You know what I'm saying? Like that. I'm trying to take a piss and a nigga come out of the cornfield and talk about, you fellas lost. Wrong turn, now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten. Like, I don't care what you say, if y 'all was in the woods and you saw a white guy just appear the whole time in your head, you're like, I wish this nigga was a grizzly bear. I... Because you can...

1:18:10Donnell Rawlings:They have shit for bears. They got shit called bear mace. You spray it on a bear and the bear get the fuck away. There's a hundred videos of it working. There's twice as many videos of a white guy walking through bear mace and getting tased, still trying to make a point. And I told that bitch to bring my soda over there. Nigga, I don't want to do that. That's just scary. And if we being honest, nigga, the scariest bears are white.

1:18:35Donnell Rawlings:Polar bears don't, all they do is kill, nigga. That's just my biggest fear is running to a polar bear with no Coca-Cola.

1:18:46Donnell Rawlings:Actually, let me change that. My biggest fear is running to a polar bear with Pepsi, nigga. That... Now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten by a goddamn polar bear. That's my time. I love y 'all.

1:18:58Brian Redban:Cedric Flynn has done it again. Donnell.

1:19:04Trevor Wallace:No, this is interesting because I've said this before. This is one of the best. This reminded me of back in the day with Def Jam, where it was a platform where people that you didn't see get to perform. I saw you pulled up, I don't know, in my algorithms or something. And I think I commented. You did. On your page. And I said original. I said authentic. And I said something else.

1:19:23Donnell Rawlings:You said I was really funny. It was a great written joke. And it was authentic. And this is a real comic. I know, because I screenshot it. And I said it to my mama immediately.

1:19:33Trevor Wallace:That's nigger immediately. I said that's the pain. And even though with this show, you get some duds, but it also gives everybody an opportunity to do their shit. So for me to come see you, I was like, oh, that's the motherfucker. Just randomly, I saw that shit because you don't always see that. So not just because you're black. You're a funny guy. You're an original man, and I wish you the best. You're going to be a big, big guy. I love you, man.

1:19:58Brian Redban:Marble Falls, huh? Yeah. How far is that? 45 minutes in the wrong direction.

1:20:07Brian Redban:I'm pretty sure 45 minutes any direction in Austin's the wrong direction.

1:20:12Donnell Rawlings:I see where they got the airport, cuz you need to get the fuck over. That shit was terrifying. I thought we was gonna get pulled over the whole time. And I don't wanna get, cuz the cops in Texas, these niggas is like fourth generation cops. Like they was like, my daddy was a sheriff and his daddy was a sheriff. And I don't want no nigga with the athletic ability to see that I'm doing crime.

1:20:33Trevor Wallace:Just to let y 'all know, when he say these niggas, he meant police, okay? All right, just... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out... The police.

1:20:43Brian Redban:The police love you. Nah, y 'all good. Y 'all good,

1:20:45Donnell Rawlings:but I'm talking about the other ones.

1:20:51Brian Redban:What's the worst run-in with the cops that you've had, Dendrick? Ooh, shit, niggas.

1:20:59Donnell Rawlings:These... They... All right, I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I do deserve to get caught doing crime. Especially if you smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we was stealing from the gas station when we was kids. And we thought we could run away. But they don't teach you as a kid you can't outrun a cop car. And that nigga just pulled over there. He pulled me and my brothers over there, like, slammed us on the ground. We were like seven, eight years old. And the old time, he was like, what did you take? And I was like, oh, nigga, I took him some gum. and he was like, bro, I can see your pockets. And I didn't see that.

1:21:32Donnell Rawlings:I had like Flama Hot Cheetos in one pocket. I had a whole sub. I was like, nigga, that's the easiest. They saw me. I wasn't a good stealer. So I started selling drugs.

1:21:43Brian Redban:Started selling drugs at seven or eight years old. Yeah, they need them. The hustle starts early. Amazing. Dedrick is from Atlanta, Georgia. Do you have any history in Atlanta? Not that I want to talk about.

1:21:56Donnell Rawlings:You did. You did the lapisco one time, and I came out because Johanse Collins brought me out to the laughing school. And I had did that Oreo joke and you was, like when I walked back, they said, that nigga was dying laughing at your jokes. And I cried in the green room until you walked back in because - I was laughing at your joke? Yeah. I was really good then too. And -

1:22:16Trevor Wallace:No, it's safe to say that. I'm telling you, this is so random because, you know, I, you just popped up on my timeline. A lot of times I was like, boo, boo, boo, boo. But then, and the fact that this was the second time that i listened or heard you tell jokes and i appreciate it that's not that i'm the god to this but you know i i really appreciate it obviously i've been appreciating what you've been doing for the longest time because i haven't been the laughing skull a long time yeah that was

1:22:42Donnell Rawlings:that was a long time because you was you was pissed off because you wanted the cowboys to lose so you could talk to charlamagne the god exactly

1:22:51Trevor Wallace:old contour face, high chick bone having ass, Napoli product wearing ass, shimmy shimmy Coco Pop motherfucker. I'm sorry, Charlamagne. We're at odds with each other.

1:23:03Brian Redban:Trevor Wallace, what is it like to be inside of an Oreo cookie right now? That'll be double stuffed.

1:23:13Donnell Rawlings:I feel like I'm in a cuck situation right here. They're just glazing each other back and forth.

1:23:18Brian Redban:You got deaf comedy jam to your sides and blind comedy jam behind you. Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We're gonna keep it moving. Dedrick's done it again. Dedrick did it again. Dedrick did it again. Onward we go. Ah, look at this name. This looks new and interesting. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It is Vincenzo Marascio. Vincenzo Marascio.

1:23:50Donnell Rawlings:I got a confession to make, guys.

1:23:58Donnell Rawlings:The first time I ever heard of LGBTQ +, I thought it was like a fancy way of saying, I want everything on my burger.

1:24:10Donnell Rawlings:Turns out it's a fancy way of saying, you love everything up your ass. Yeah. I'm from the East Coast, and I'm a foodie. So the first time I heard of Grindr, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for dicks. Yeah. So I came in the dude's mouth. I was like, where's the sandwich? When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more yay now. Yeah, I really didn't know that guy was gay until about a week later. He texted me. He was like, do you want to go to a Dallas Cowboys football game? That was it.

1:24:57Trevor Wallace:That didn't mean.

1:24:58Donnell Rawlings:All right, that's been my time.

1:24:59Trevor Wallace:Thank you, guys.

1:25:02Brian Redban:Vincenzo Marascio.

1:25:03Trevor Wallace:That was the most interesting way to come out of the closet I've ever seen in my life.

1:25:07Brian Redban:Yeah.

1:25:08Trevor Wallace:You should have just opened up one side, sucked this guy's dick, and then... Okay.

1:25:13Brian Redban:Yeah, it was interesting. It was almost all gay sandwich themed first joke was about a burger the next one was about a sandwich

1:25:19Donnell Rawlings:But both were gay jokes not gay, and if you want to know something crazy. I've only ever eaten black pussy

1:25:26Brian Redban:Really? Yeah

1:25:28Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, I slept with white girls just Never got around eating their pussy

1:25:33Brian Redban:How did you get around to eating a black pussy?

1:25:36Donnell Rawlings:I just hooked up a lot of black chicks a lot of like me Yeah, really I like them. It's better seasoned

1:25:45Donnell Rawlings:Lots of flavor.

1:25:49Brian Redban:Red band.

1:25:50Trevor Wallace:I shouldn't be laughing at this shit, but that was funny.

1:25:56Brian Redban:So, how many black pussies do you think you've eaten? And why do I feel like you're talking about actual cats?

1:26:04Donnell Rawlings:No, no, no. Probably three dozen, but yeah, definitely.

1:26:07Brian Redban:Three dozen black pussies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how many a dozen is?

1:26:10Donnell Rawlings:The majority of chicks I've hooked up with are black, yeah. I think you can say it.

1:26:17Brian Redban:Some of them do want me to, yeah, at times. Wow. You think you've eaten ballpark 36 black pussies? 100%, yeah, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. But not one white one? No. How many white women do you think you've had sex with? Not a lot, less than 10. Less than 10. How many black women do you think you've had sex with? Probably close to 50.

1:26:40Trevor Wallace:Wow. Where are you? I want to see if he's telling the truth. Finish this sentence right here. The black of the berry. Sweet of the juice. Yes, he's had some black pussy.

1:26:50Brian Redban:Oh, come on. That's entry level. Let's do another one. Wu-Tang Clan. All right, well. Get the covers. Oh, you know what? Let's end this game. Jesus Christ almighty. This show's out of fucking control. Makes me wonder how many black pussies Randolph Davies is eaten. So.

1:27:15Trevor Wallace:How many black quizzes have you? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. We can call him the door back. Face that way. How many black quizzes have you been?

1:27:24Brian Redban:Vincenzo, shut the fuck up. What do you do for work? I work at the Vulcan now. Oh, you work at Vulcan Gas Company. You're a door guy there? Yep. Okay, what did you do before that?

1:27:36Donnell Rawlings:I sell sports cards and Pokemon cards and stuff like that. Pokemon car. And that got you black pussy? You ever seen a holographic bitch? Nope. I got a supplier for the little boo-boos. Wow.

1:27:52Brian Redban:Okay.

1:27:56Brian Redban:Vincenzio, Vincenzio. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes. What did we find out during that interview?

1:28:02Donnell Rawlings:Just that I've been working out. I lost almost 100 pounds recently.

1:28:07Brian Redban:How did you do that?

1:28:08Donnell Rawlings:Thank you, guys.

1:28:09Brian Redban:How did I do it? Yeah, only eating black pussy? Yeah, literally.

1:28:14Donnell Rawlings:Shit gets you stressed out, you lose a lot of weight.

1:28:17Brian Redban:How did you lose the weight?

1:28:19Donnell Rawlings:Running and eating salad. Like, yeah. Fuck yeah, salads at Chick-fil-A.

1:28:25Brian Redban:Salads at Chick-fil-A?

1:28:26Donnell Rawlings:Well, like, if you're, like, because I've been on the road doing a little bit of comedy and stuff, trying to, like, eat healthy fucking, get salads at fast food places to try and do shit like that. Do as smart as shit you can, you know? And fucking eat a bunch of black pussy, too.

1:28:39Brian Redban:Okay. Is there anything else interesting? He was starving.

1:28:42Trevor Wallace:He's not eating a lot of black pussy in his audience right now. I did get two beautiful white girls to show me their tits in front of the Sunset Strip.

1:28:50Donnell Rawlings:Yeah.

1:28:51Brian Redban:Yeah. Okay.

1:28:51Donnell Rawlings:It was, uh...

1:28:52Brian Redban:Homeless tits, everybody. No, no, no, not homeless. Everyone loves homeless tits.

1:28:56Donnell Rawlings:They're like OnlyFans girls, fansly or whatever. Yeah, fuckin', it was dope.

1:29:00Brian Redban:Alright, Vincenzo. Ellie, James, and... Okay, alright, Vincenzo. Very good.

1:29:05Donnell Rawlings:Red man's gonna wanna see their tits. Red man's gonna wanna see their tits. How'd you get him to show it and talk slowly? So they asked me how many black pussies I had eaten. No.

1:29:19Brian Redban:Vincenzo, I'm going to get you out of here. Here's a little black joke book you can munch on later. There he goes. Vincenzo Maracio. We're going to keep it moving along here. All right, we're having fun here. This is a three-word name. Make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith. Jerry Debo Smith, everyone.

1:29:41Trevor Wallace:I like to eat pussy. But don't get me confused with these young dudes eating ass, calling it groceries. That's not groceries. That's chitlins, and you niggas need to stop. That is chitlins. I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know where the clitoris is, but I do.

1:30:01Trevor Wallace:And because of that, I have two rules, ladies. Like, the first one is if I can smell it before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit. And they always get mad at you when you tell them that they pussy stink like they don't know. Like, bitch, you knew that pussy smelled like a 91-degree day in Puerto Rico before you came over here. And the second one is, um, if you ever had an abortion... Yeah, I always lose people on that part. But fuck that, somebody got murdered in there. Y 'all know niggas don't fuck around in haunted houses? my tongue my choice bitch

1:30:44Brian Redban:thank you there you go jerry debo smith were you gonna do a pussy eating joke before and

1:30:52Trevor Wallace:shit when he was talking about pussy like he gets something at all he says that he does he says that

1:30:58Brian Redban:he's eating 36 black pussies what do you think about that you think he's a white liar

1:31:05Trevor Wallace:and y 'all believe that shit look at that fat motherfucker ain't eat no black pussy do you eat black pussy uh exclusively you've never eaten a white pussy hell no when you say

1:31:16Brian Redban:hell no like that why uh because a couple of months ago i seen a tiktok where they asked a

1:31:23Trevor Wallace:white girl the if you take a shower on wednesday when the next time you take a shower with this bitch say a Friday. Fuck that shit. Because of one? No. White women don't wash every day. Fuck that shit. You think that's a thing? I know that's a thing. White women, is that true? Of course they gonna say it while they on camera. Them bitches sitting on Krabby Patties. John D. said that was a split decision.

1:31:56Brian Redban:They do stripper showers, though, where they take, like, butt wipes and clean out. Okay, Red Band.

1:32:02Trevor Wallace:That's not good, and that's why your eyes look like that.

1:32:09Brian Redban:You do look a little inflamed. A little swollen. A little bit swollen. Jerry Debo Smith, what do you do for work? I'm just a comedian. That's all I do for work. Love that. How long you been doing it? 15 years. 15 years. Where at? What part of Florida? Oh, San Antonio.

1:32:28Trevor Wallace:I'm originally from Washington, D.C. What's up, brother? Hey, what's going on, brother? All right.

1:32:32Brian Redban:Well, how come you guys said hi like that after D.C. was brought up?

1:32:35Trevor Wallace:That's the city. Chocolate city, baby. Okay. Don't let him in on our world. I'm not fucking with him.

1:32:43Brian Redban:Jerry Bebo Smith. So your middle name is Bebo?

1:32:47Trevor Wallace:No, my middle name is DeWayne. D-Bo is my nickname and I just use that for my stage name. It's your what name? My nickname. I thought you said something else.

1:32:57Trevor Wallace:Dwayne? Dwayne is my middle name, yeah, yeah. So we call it, that's the government. You're like, I have friends, I didn't even know who their real name was like 10 years later. One of my friends' names, his name is 40. They call him Jermaine. And this girl was like, have you seen Jermaine? I was like, who the fuck is Jermaine? I know 40. But in a black career, it's like, what's your government? If I asked your government, what did you respond with? My government is Jerry Dwayne Smith. See, that's the real name. What's your government? Fuck you. Donnell Maurice Rawlings. I left the black community years ago.

1:33:24Trevor Wallace:I said, fuck you. It got too confusing. It's confusing as shit.

1:33:31Brian Redban:Oh, my God. So, Jerry, you're born and raised in, or you started in D.C. No, I started in San Antonio.

1:33:37Trevor Wallace:I started at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, but I've been living there since 2010, and that's when I started.

1:33:42Brian Redban:What made you move to San Antonio?

1:33:45Trevor Wallace:My brother was in the military. He left and then he had a baby in San Antonio and stayed there. And my dad moved down there, so I just moved once I got divorced because I was running from a terrorist. Is that just a girlfriend? An ex-wife. I was married. Baby mama? No, I ain't had no kids with this bitch. You crazy?

1:34:05Brian Redban:You married her and you didn't have kids with her? Thank God.

1:34:08Trevor Wallace:Wow.

1:34:09Brian Redban:How did that happen?

1:34:10Trevor Wallace:By the grace of God, won't he do it? Wow. You're full black? When he will. You're full black? Uh, no. I remember I told y 'all last time my mom was white. My mom was white. Really? Yeah, yeah. Your dad was dark as shit. My dad is purple.

1:34:28Trevor Wallace:I'm like, I had no idea. And y 'all laughing just for my mom was white. That's why my daddy stayed. He's still alive.

1:34:36Brian Redban:God damn it. Wow. That's incredible. You still have a relationship with your mom?

1:34:41Trevor Wallace:Uh, my mom passed away in 95. We had this conversation, sir. Oh, we did? Yeah.

1:34:44Brian Redban:How did she pass away? Boom, boom, boom, boom.

1:34:49Trevor Wallace:Here it comes. I was waiting for fucking Red Band to do it like he did the last time and shit. You got to say how she died. She had kidney failure. She passed away, kidney disease. I knew he was going to do it. I just did it before he did it because I didn't want her to kick his ass after this show.

1:35:03Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing. Okay. But Dad's still fine.

1:35:07Trevor Wallace:Yeah, Dad's fine for now. Yeah, he's fine. He good. He's in dialysis right now, actually, too. He's 76. Dialysis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For his kidneys is messing up. He be having...

1:35:21Trevor Wallace:I already knew he was going, this nigga still ain't got no sleeves on.

1:35:27Trevor Wallace:The sleeveless samurai is at it again.

1:35:31Brian Redban:He is. What was the last real job that you had, Jerry Debo-Smith? I deliver furniture for errands. For errands furniture?

1:35:39Trevor Wallace:Yeah, for like seven years. But after that, if you want to consider a real job, I worked the door at Laugh Out Loud for 10 years. Oh, wow. Okay. I worked with this nigga a couple times, too. Me and him did a show a couple times. He don't remember niggas.

1:35:52Brian Redban:Right.

1:35:53Trevor Wallace:It's like a black reunion for me right now.

1:35:56Brian Redban:Incredible. All right, Jerry. Well, fun times. You did it again. Did you get a big joke book last time? Yes, I did, but I'll take the nigga book. You'll take another one. Here's a very, very dark black one, just like your dad. Boom. On we go. Should be the final bucket pull of the night, I do believe. And what a name it is. Make some noise for Ralphie Da Bartender. Ralphie Da Bartender. Here's Ralphie Da Bartender.

1:36:35Donnell Rawlings:So a couple months ago, I got a Home Depot to look for a dude. and he didn't really come with a green card but a really long kink card. So we started dating and things have been going pretty good. The other night we're having a really intimate, deep discussion. He's giving me the reassurance that you want and that you need in a new relationship. He's like, I love you forever and ever and always. Amen. I'm like, Chingao, dude, did you just bring your faith into this? How co-chino are you? And later that night, He's actually trying to put me on the dinner table. And can you blame him? You know, a boy's got to eat.

1:37:13Donnell Rawlings:And he's getting all sexy with me, rubbing up on me and whatnot. And he's like, who's your man? And so immediately I sit up and I look him dead in the eyes. And I'm like, our one and only, Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen. So he came. Which is pretty cool because before this relationship, I really wasn't that religious. But apparently we pray every night now because amen is our new safe word. Thank you.

1:37:40Brian Redban:I'm Ralphie. Ralphie, the bartender. Oh, man.

1:37:48Tony Hinchcliffe:Golden ticket.

1:38:00All right.

1:38:01Brian Redban:Ralphie, am I saying that right? Yes. Ralphie. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About a little less than six months. Six months. Perfect. That's a good answer for what that set was. I love it. What made you want to start stand-up six months ago? I've been wanting to do it for ten years, but last year got a divorce and been doing cool new shit. Nice. What made you get a divorce?

1:38:32Motherfucker.

1:38:32Brian Redban:The wrong ones. and he tried to kill me, so...

1:38:36Trevor Wallace:Really? How did he try to kill me? I know this is wrong, but what did you say? I just... I just can't jump the gun. What did you do? No, I'm joking.

1:38:52Donnell Rawlings:Started moving out early.

1:38:55Brian Redban:Nice. So how long were you in that relationship for? Six years. Six years. And once you got out of it, that's when you realized you could start stand-up comedy?

1:39:05Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, doing a lot of bigger things than just stand-up as well. Just kind of blossoming. I started doing stunt doubling for motorcycle work. Oh, cool.

1:39:15Brian Redban:How long have you been riding motorcycles?

1:39:17Donnell Rawlings:About 3 ,000 miles, so I'm still pretty fresh.

1:39:20Brian Redban:Okay. A time limit wouldn't give the factor here. You said how long, not how far.

1:39:27Trevor Wallace:Man, I don't know. I don't know.

1:39:29Donnell Rawlings:My mechanic had my bike for over a year whenever I first got it. so it's been a while. It's hard. It's easier to say my last.

1:39:34Trevor Wallace:I think there's something about this story you're not telling us. Which part? This relationship. It was a husband? Common law. Yeah. You cheated on him? Fuck no.

1:39:45Brian Redban:He cheated on you?

1:39:47Donnell Rawlings:Yeah.

1:39:48Brian Redban:With girls that look like his mom, so... Oh.

1:39:51Donnell Rawlings:You know, you can't compete.

1:39:52Brian Redban:Was he Mexican? Nah, white. We have a brand new man for you. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. He doesn't see color. And he won't walk out on you, okay?

1:40:11Brian Redban:So, Ralphie, tell us more about your life. What else is interesting about you?

1:40:18Donnell Rawlings:I'm a welder, a mechanic, gym enthusiast. Started acting recently.

1:40:25Brian Redban:Interesting. You were raised by a single father? Nah, he died. He died?

1:40:34Brian Redban:How did he die? Laced batch of H. Oh. Batch of heroin. That heroin? Yeah. That was during the Biden administration?

1:40:47Donnell Rawlings:No, way before. Really?

1:40:49Brian Redban:Fentanyl? Huh? Was it fentanyl or just something else?

1:40:52Donnell Rawlings:Rat poison.

1:40:53Brian Redban:Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. That's pre-Biden. Fentanyl was during Biden. Fentanyl shit, right? Fentanyl. Yeah, exactly. Wow, how old were you when he passed away or Wow damn that sucks you have a lot of siblings No, only child

1:41:10Donnell Rawlings:Yeah, I have two brothers ones adopted and the other ones half-blood

1:41:14Brian Redban:They're not as cool as I am. Wow. I didn't know Mexicans adopt kids Is your mom Mexican no my mother's white. Oh, there you go Your your dad was Mexican yes, and your mom's white yep you still close with your mom No, fuck that bitch. Why fuck that bitch? We don't got all night, Tony. Really? Have you ever thought with all these relationships that you might be the problem?

1:41:40Donnell Rawlings:You sound just like my therapist right now.

1:41:44Brian Redban:Really? Do you go to the therapist?

1:41:46Donnell Rawlings:I do. Nice. I can't wait to tell her about all this tomorrow.

1:41:51Brian Redban:Yeah, the manic episode's gonna hit hard after this.

1:41:58Brian Redban:Where have you ridden this motorcycle at? What's the craziest place you've driven to? Just in Corpus.

1:42:05Donnell Rawlings:I mean, they have horrible driving. Wow. Yeah.

1:42:08Brian Redban:Yeah. All right. Have you ever been with a woman before? Red Band. How could you tell? Look, I believe this is our first female comedian of the night. You can't just, every time there's a lady up here, sexually harass her with questions like that. Have you been with a woman before?

1:42:29Donnell Rawlings:Fleet the fifth, but yes.

1:42:30Brian Redban:Well, let me tell you, she does some mechanic work and the bitch rides motorcycles. Tell by the face. Wait, what? Oh, red band. Um, uh, Ralphie, fun times. You gotta keep working it. You're only six months in. Keep writing, keep trying. There's a little joke book. Ralphie the bartender ladies and gentlemen that is what appears to be your name Ralphie the bartender All right ladies and gentlemen have we had a good night tonight or what huh?

1:43:08Brian Redban:We have a special treat for you William couldn't make it are you mad? He couldn't make it Timmy couldn't make it but I'm excited about how we're closing tonight's show and I think you will be too because I believe that this is the future of Kill Tony. This young man has only been on the show once before and he won a golden ticket at 21 years old. Ladies and gentlemen, I think he's the future of the show. I think he's the future of comedy and I'm positive he's the future of musical comedy. Make some fucking noise for Tony Scar, everybody. Tony Scar. to close out tonight's show at the age of 21.

1:43:56Donnell Rawlings:How we doing, folks?

1:44:01Donnell Rawlings:Folks. What if I told you there was a place where brilliant minds could collide? Where you could be drowning in pussy even if you're only the size of Big Mike. Celebrities around every corner And women that want you bad Nothing but nines and tens Folks, would you be interested in that? Well, welcome to Epstein's Island

1:44:34Donnell Rawlings:I'm sure you won't forget it I'm trying not to get sued here So everything I say is alleged It's always perfect weather I wonder who controls that Probably the guys with the beady eyes And one-fourth of a hat

1:45:02Donnell Rawlings:If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes There's four more weeks of winter

1:45:11Donnell Rawlings:But he only comes in Asian women, or as he likes to call them, squinters.

1:45:19Donnell Rawlings:In his bathroom there was a black midget taking a bath. It was the world's first sopping wet, three-fifths of one half.

1:45:33Donnell Rawlings:Trump was at the table tricking Muslims into eating pork. He was sitting on J.D. Vance and J.D. Vance was on all fours. They were eating with Anthony Fauci and right before they prayed, Fauci turned into a fucking bat and flew away. It was crazy. Biden slept with a prostitute And after they had sex She stepped onto the balcony To smoke a candy cigarette

1:46:11Donnell Rawlings:Stephen Hawking was on the treadmill Yelling, rill, rill, rill

1:46:20Donnell Rawlings:Until I hit his eject button And he flew across the room There was an Arabic stripper. She didn't take cash. She preferred that I threw rocks.

1:46:35Donnell Rawlings:She stripped down as much as a Muslim can. She took her socks halfway off.

1:46:46Donnell Rawlings:There was a black stripper, a smoke show with beautiful ebony skin. She stripped all her clothes off and stripped all the paint off and then she was white again. And I couldn't believe she did blackface. That's racist. That's fucked. So I only paid her half price once she redid all the makeup.

1:47:18Tony Hinchcliffe:I got dragged to the island by my friend Leanne. She had a tampon in her purse, but no game plan It was racquetball and pinball and badminton too

1:47:31Donnell Rawlings:And not a single ball that left the island was blue

1:47:35Tony Hinchcliffe:But I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to miss the show Cause ever since I was a young, young boy, I had FOMO I had FOMO I had FOMO

1:47:49Donnell Rawlings:I had FOMO I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had the fear of missing out, I didn't want to go, but I had FOMO.

1:48:04Tony Hinchcliffe:Everybody!

1:48:05Donnell Rawlings:I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO, I had FOMO.

1:48:18Tony Hinchcliffe:I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to miss the show. I had FOMO. I had FOMO. I had FOMO.

1:48:32FOMO. FOMO. FOMO. FOMO. FOMO. FOMO. FOMO.

1:48:46Donnell Rawlings:I had four more. That is Tony Stark.

1:48:55Brian Redban:Tony motherfucking Stark has done it again. I'm getting word that Randolph Davies is plugging AdamRayComedy.com. Adam Ray is on tour. How about one more time for the great Tony Scar? Tony. How we feeling?

1:49:19Brian Redban:Everything good, man? How's life changed for you since becoming a big fancy?

1:49:25Donnell Rawlings:Dude, everything was good up until last night. Last night was fucking... I bit my tongue really hard last night. I'm horrible at eating pussy, dude. I don't know how that happened. I am. I had a really bad sex experience recently. What happened? It was really, I was going back to a girl's RV, because, you know, what's a house if it isn't also a car, right? And I was back at her place, and she wanted to fuck, but she made me wear a condom, and I didn't bring a condom, because fellas know that if you don't bring a condom, you don't got to fucking use one, right? That's how that works. That's how that works.

1:49:57Donnell Rawlings:I probably wasn't supposed to tell everybody that. That's my bad. But I went back to her place, and she was like, you can use my condom, and she pulled on a Magnum condom. And I'm not a Magnum kind of guy, Tony. I'm not so that was that was it's not like putting your dad's t-shirt on you know what I mean I was like a toothpick in a ziplock bag it was tough yeah that's yeah but besides that I mean everything's been great I still have a hard time getting booked around town but I got managers and agents now I got women hitting my line which is awesome yeah it's fucking fantastic mostly 30 year old women which is great because that's my fucking that's my bread and butter bro yeah dude this guy would get plowed on epstein's island holy yeah dude i was there human fleshlight but you were there i was there yeah i was on a silver platter with an apple in

1:50:45Brian Redban:my mouth dude amazing tony you are so funny the music is just absolutely incredible every line every reference you are a true star thank you very much brother amazing tony star ladies and Thank you all. I love you, folks. This episode brought to you by Bluetooth, Talkspace, and Shopify. Guys, I love this man with all my heart. How loud can this place get for the great Donnell Rawlings, everybody? I love him. He is on tour. See him. Donnellrawlings.com. Trust me. He's one of the best stand-ups in the world. Go see him. Donnellrawlings.com. How about one more time for the great Trevor Wallace, everybody?

1:51:28Brian Redban:Check out his special April 1st on his YouTube. That's YouTube.com slash Trevor Wallace. Find you part two from the Kill Tony Band is out everywhere. HeidiRegina.com. Boneside makes our amazing joke books. Check out our incredible line of merch at KillMerch.com. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is amazing. Don L. Rawlings and Trevor Wallace. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, it's fucking Jeremy. The great Adam Rae character, Jeremy. How about one more time for Randolph Baby's debut tonight? And Pat O 'Neill, both of them winning golden tickets. Right, man? Coming to San Diego, AmericanComedyCo.com in June.

1:52:11Brian Redban:Thank you. Yeah, don't forget, we are at the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles in the month of May, making our return to L.A., doing a real Kill Tony episode for one night only. that's at the Intuit Dome in front of 17 ,500 people at once. It started in the belly room in front of 15 people and now 17 ,500. Yeah. We love you guys. Thank you guys. Good night, everybody.

1:53:00Thank you.

1:53:30Thank you.

1:54:07Trevor Wallace:We'll see you next time.

1:54:22Thank you.