#762 - ARI SHAFFIR + KEVIN RYAN + H. FOLEY

20:23Brian Redban:That's true. That's my bumper sticker on my car. Not a lot of people know that, but if you ever see a Corvette that says gay shit happens, that's me. I love it. You had a dad in your life? I did. I'm very close with my dad. Yeah, I can tell. See, that's what I'm missing. I was raised by a single mom. That's why I'm a little bitch. And you are like, what's up? This is what's happening. I'm just wearing my... I would think you had four or five dads in your life. The sitcom My Seven Dads. Hell yeah. I can just picture your dad. You know how to fix cars, don't you? No. Oh, okay, wow. What I had in my head.

21:04Brian Redban:The blue chew's still activated here. Very interesting. What does your dad do for work? He's retired. He was a Navy pilot. Oh, nice. Fuck yeah. He was a real man. Real man. Was he in Iraq? He served 20 years, so yes, he did. Awesome. Awesome. And you do carpentry, and do you have a girlfriend or something? No. No. I'm single. You're single? Very single, yeah. Is there a dating app for lesbians? Is there like Scissor or something like that? No, I'm not a lesbian. Oh, you're really not? No. Oh, okay, cool. Been there, I tried it. You're just a tough ass woman. Yeah. I love it. Have you ever tried a lesbian experience?

21:47The gayest thing I did, I dated a woman for like two years.

21:50Brian Redban:That's also the fun fact. That's the straightest thing I've ever done. Yeah.

21:58Brian Redban:I love it. So can you tell us how that ended? What did you learn from two years with a woman? Oh, he sucked? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you live with a woman? I did, yeah. Yeah. Lesbians tend to, that's a thing. I don't know if you guys know this, a stereotype of lesbians is they move in very quickly. How long did you guys not live together before you lived together if you just had to throw a ballpark out there? Maybe like six months? Okay. That's pretty long. That's a lifetime in the lesbian world. Yeah. So now you're with men again. Are you sometimes tougher than the men that you're with? I've been on dates, but no.

22:38Yeah, no. No. I haven't been with men in a long time. Oh. I'll say that, yeah. You guys try. I really do. Like, I go out like this, and you guys are. It is desperate times, because why you're hitting on me is crazy. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I feel bad for y 'all, dude. Male loneliness epidemic is real. And I'm part of the problem.

23:10Brian Redban:I love that. You're very funny. I love your deadpan, very real delivery. You're self-deprecating while also well-enunciated for someone from Tampa, Florida. I didn't grow up there. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you look beautiful. Oh, thank you. You got it. I appreciate that. Hell yeah. You're the third hottest carpenter I've ever seen. I am. You guys shut up. This is an easy target. Anyway, Tampa, huh?

23:41Brian Redban:I love it. So tell us more about you, Hannah. Do you have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy and carpenting? No, I've been really getting into stand-up. I do like five mics a week in Tampa, which is very difficult. No, there's not... Nobody really does anything anymore, I don't think. What kind of car do you have or pickup truck? I drive a Dodge. You do have a what? I drive a Dodge. A Dodge pickup truck? Yes. God damn it, I fucking nailed it. Look at that. Hit a button for me. Went, went. All right. I love it. Have you always had a pickup truck? No, this is my second truck.

24:21Brian Redban:Subaru was the first one, right? No. It was a little Ford Exploder, is what they call them. tend to blow up. Tested the theory they do. They blow up, yeah. See, most women don't know that. Most women would drive the Ford Explorer, then they're calling for help on the side of the road. She's like, I fucking knew this was going to happen. These goddamn things, they don't make them like they used to. Nope. What kind of guys do you usually get attracted to? Like big muscular guys or wimpy fembots? All right, so if you approach me and ask me if I'm a lesbian, no. Oh, really? I need someone that is so confident that they're like, I'm going to fuck that lesbian.

25:05Brian Redban:I like that. Hell yeah. Look at that. Give me some lesbian horns over there. Hell yeah.

25:19Brian Redban:I love it. That's amazing, Hannah. Amazing. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Do you live alone? No, I'm back home with my dad. Nice. What's the weirdest thing in your guys' fridge, if you had to pick it? You have a, let me guess, an extraordinary amount of barbecue sauce. That might be the only condiment, actually, but it's not a lot. It's just a normal white amount. Sweet baby rays? Of course, yeah. Absolutely. Amazing, Hannah. Well, I love it. You're very, very fun. You're very, very different. You're your own thing. For only a year in, you're extraordinary. Here's a big joke book.

26:00Brian Redban:Thank you. Way to get the show started. Rocking that Bush Light t-shirt. I mean, this is a real woman right here. This is the kind of woman that'll fuck you and then beat the shit out of you before she leaves. That was awesome. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Bluetooth activated. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Check out our podcast, Love on the Line, at HeidiRegina.com.

26:52great prices. That's why you rack.

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27:56Brian Redban:Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance your product photography. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash killtony. Go to shopify.com slash killtony. That's shopify.com slash kill Tony. That's shopify.com slash kill Tony. Go, go, go, go, go. All right. This looks like a new name. Let's see a minute uninterrupted for the Mr. Ziegler. The Mr. Ziegler, everybody. Here we go.

28:36Good morning, Austin. How y 'all doing tonight? So I'm into stud pussy. Anybody out there giving up the stud pussy? I've had a dream here recently. i wanted to do a threesome and i was going to call title it two studs and me and we're going to quote it no homo yeah i've been in the studs for a long time studs tomboys all that good it's pussy it's pussy i feel like as long as it don't look like me and it got titties without a dick i'm pretty cool with that you know right so uh how y 'all doing tonight great all this is the funny-looking staff good for the funny-looking staff everybody I think that's all I got that's my time right now okay 40 seconds from the mr.

29:25Brian Redban:Ziegler everyone funny-looking staff I love that you think we're random staff members just sitting on stage with you and this I don't know where he what he thinks he just walked into I was he's just a black dude who was on six years like she I I like pussy. What's good? Yeah. Who the fuck are you weird motherfuckers? God damn. Ain't no bitches in this place. I like this pussy, that pussy, Tomboa fucking pussy. Long as it's a pussy. That's awesome. You are fucking awesome, dude. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. In the male division, the best set of the night so far. Thanks. So let's talk about it. The Mr.

30:04Brian Redban:Ziegler. Am I saying that right? Yeah, it's pretty white. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty white. white yeah pretty white right German white right well your name is yep got it that's it how long you been doing stand-up comedy mr. about 15 15 years we're at here in Austin Houston all over Texas I've been in New York and that's about it nice bad baby years and you just only did 40 seconds on it yeah you know I've been out the same for a second okay it just got back actually today just got back in okay i have i have 49 questions right now come on give it up so you've been doing it 15 years what made you take a break bad baby mama choices okay let's talk about it tell us about that don't do it okay can you get a little more in she was a little too young for me how old was she uh it's about nine years younger than me okay i'm glad you said more after the number nine she was about nine years younger than you this dude does love pussy that's great I'm like geez ever since the Epstein list came out being a pedophile is a new fad yeah but no I was having bad baby mama shit my dick wasn't fitting in this bitch oh nine-year-old ass whiny ass bitch ass crying baby ass pussy this little girl pussy fucking crazy ass shit man you should have seen my dick next to this little nine-year-old.

31:31Brian Redban:Mm-hmm. Ah, your name must be on there. What? On the Epstein files, his name's got to be on there. All this young pussy you talking about. No, I'm kidding. I'm going off of your thing, Mr. Z. I said tomboy pussy, and he talking about young pussy. Well, I mean. Well, I mean. Did you happen to see the girl that was on before? The stud? Yeah, I just seen her perform while ago. Think I didn't see that? Shit. He's like, I like pussy. Shit. Shit. Shit. I saw that fucking pussy. It ain't nothing like going out playing basketball with a stud and then going back and putting your balls in a deep. Oh, my God.

32:12Brian Redban:Tell him. Oh, you are the man, Mr. Ziegler. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. You found your home. This is where you belong. I appreciate it. So what did this bad baby mama do exactly that made you take a break from stand-up comedy? She went crazy on me. But how? You need better answers. I went deep, balls deep. And, you know, my grandfather always told me, don't put the whole thing in. And I did. I stirred it deep. Wow. Yeah, it's like I fucked up the beehive nest. It was over there. Can't give him the whole thing. The whole thing. Don't do the whole thing. Got to give him just a little bit, fellas.

32:47There you go.

32:48Brian Redban:Just a little bit. So Red Band, you give him the whole thing. Yeah. I love it. This is incredible. So can I understand that he's been having sex the whole time he's been away uh-huh you've been having a lot of sex no i mean sex all the time yeah no no i'm scared what are you scared of what scares you mr these these new bitches i want a tomboy bitch i'm i want a stud bitch you need a real tough woman that's right grab that woman my goodness yeah exactly i know where she's going don't worry about it you know her i mean this is kind of what she said she's into i mean she literally wants a guy She's part of the problem.

33:28I'm just gonna fix her problem.

33:29Brian Redban:Oh my god. Yeah Someone's getting their Dodge truck stolen from them tonight Actually have a Dodge truck so we got something in common You got a Dodge too? She has a Dodge so we dodging. Oh, oh my god. I love it You can't dodge them ram them. Holy shit Mr. Ziegler, how old are you? 47. 47? You don't look a day over 63. That's incredible. That's absolutely amazing. You've had a lot of baby mama bitch problems. Yeah, dude. You've been putting the whole thing in way too long. You're stressed out. Like a motherfucker. You look like your own daddy. Man, I didn't have no... As my grandfather, I used to tell myself, don't put my whole dick in a bitch.

34:14Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah, black dust crack.

34:21Brian Redban:in white sheds mr. Ziegler what have you been doing for work this whole time how do you make money I'm a barber oh nice yeah okay I'm a cook too I have my own business you what a cook oh what do you cook pussy okay I should have known that and let me guess you're a barber just for women's pubes no you don't go near that I don't know I don't know hell no nope I don't like hair down there they can deal with that narrowed off ladies absolutely hair there I'm not that type of barber hell yeah Wow incredible so do you exclusively only cut black people's hair cut it all you could oh you pointed at Kevin Ryan.

35:06Brian Redban:I feel like he's taking a shot at my hair. Let it go.

35:15Damn, he's the coolest fucking mean motherfucker I've ever met in my life. I was sitting there, I'm like, you know what?

35:20Brian Redban:I should let it go. This could be the night. I mean, we were all there for that episode of Kill Tony where Mr. Siegler got Kevin Ryan's hair. Oh, my God. I think we do have trimmers back there, don't we? Oh, the crowd goes on.

35:40Brian Redban:I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Oh, the lighting guy wants it to happen. You can change my pubes for sure. I ain't going near that motherfucking shit, bitch. Mr. Ziegler, give us another fun fact about your life. You seem like you have a wealth of experience at a great many things. Like the craziest sex you've ever had, because I know you be loving that pussy. so I gotta know was there like a random crazy night an unbelievable time that you had an adventure in which there was a threesome with my baby mama the young one the crazy yeah nine years younger than you yeah and another one that was nine years younger than oh same age yeah I left them in the room and they was arguing so I just I came back me out done no that's all I left again did you when I came back they was entangled they was entangled yeah so I like fuck it yep gotta throw it all the way in there break it in break it up ladies right okay let me ask you this what do you happen to remember what they were arguing about me do you remember exactly what about you they were arguing I went all the way in oh my god this is one of the craziest interviews you know you can't get this at the tonight show I never was Jay Leno sitting there going Hey, you ever put it all the way in?

36:58Brian Redban:Never go all the way in with the pussy ass bitch? Deep. You're never going to see Jimmy Fallon dancing along to... All right. Mr. Ziegler, you only did 40 seconds, so I have no choice but to give you a medium, very black joke book because that is just the work you did tonight, my friend. I love it. Mr. Ziegler has entered the Kill Tony universe. two brand new comedians to start the bucket. Did that guy with the small bladder ever go back to his seat? Oh, there he is. How you doing? You good? There you go. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Riley Galvin, everybody. Riley Galvin.

37:40Brian Redban:Here we go.

37:44Whoever created the phrase, it's not about the size of the dog in the fight, it's about the size of the fight in the dog, clearly has never gambled on dog fighting. Always bet on the bigger doll. Ventriloquist. Ventriloquist. Sounds like such a fancier job title than what it is. Like it sounds like they all got together and decided on a ventriloquist because they were too afraid to tell their parents they wanted to fist Cabbage Patch dolls professionally.

38:10Do you guys think ventriloquists are just necrophiliacs with low self-esteem? Like they want to mess around with lifeless things but don't have the confidence? You know? Like, is Jeffrey Dahmer just Jeff Dunham with stage fright?

38:27Yeah. I'm a basketball fan. I like the Utah Jazz. Utah Jazz is funny, though. It sounds like a bunch of racist Mormons got together for some diversity. You know? Like, they all got together and were like, all right, we need more black people in the state. What do they like? And then one went, basketball and jazz.

38:47That's my time. Thank you.

38:49Brian Redban:Fuck yes. Riley Galvin, welcome, welcome. Thank you. I love it. Riley, how long do you have before you have to get back to the vape store? I got to shift in 30 minutes. Love it. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? A little under a year. A little over a year. Where at? Knoxville, Tennessee. Knoxville, Tennessee. Very good. Let me ask you a question, because I listened to that set, and I noticed the pronunciation of one of the words I found curious. What do you call a person that has sex with dead people? Necrophiliac. Okay. The C. That third letter is important. What I heard, and I'd be interested to hear a replay, it's a shame we don't have instant replay on this episode, it sounded like a hard G to me.

39:38Brian Redban:Oh. And if you say necrophiliac with a G, my friend John Dees, that turns into... Can you say it? Okay. John's just looking at me. Sometimes he likes to put me on the spot there. I mean, we could say it because it's not the N-word, but it's very close. A little too close. And I would have loved it if you repeated it and you just said, oh, it's with a C. I didn't know. I thought it was with a G. But instead, here we are. Here we are. But now, that's the sound of hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube rewinding to see. If you said it with a G, and I'll bet you anything. It's my legacy. They're replaying it again and again because I'm pretty sure it was a G.

40:18Brian Redban:but you're going through a lot. There's a lot of pressure. Yeah. This is a big show. Huge. Absolutely huge. What do you do for work, Riley? I'm in school full time. And I work at Little Caesars. At Little Caesars? Yeah. Oh my God, Red Band, can you believe it? This is a big deal for you. Fucking awesome, man. Thank you. Wow. He's starstruck. How long have you worked at Little Caesars? Like six months. Okay, can you tell us a little bit about the perks? A lot of free pizza. Fuck yeah. That's exactly what I thought you were going to say. Red Band's hard as a rock right now. And he's the only one that didn't try the blue chew.

40:59Brian Redban:I love it. Riley, so what are you going to school for and where are you going to school? I go to Tennessee, Knoxville, UTK, and a journalism major. Okay, what made you pick journalism? A dying art form. Yeah. Well, I was business and hated it, so I wanted to be gay and write, I guess. Do you have any big plans? Do you have any big goals with the journalism thing? No, I should probably have some. How old are you? I'm 21 years old. 21! Wow! What are the 21-year-olds up to nowadays? What are you guys doing for fun? A lot of ketamine. Ah! And tell the people that might not know, that are out there in the audience or watching the show how would you explain ketamine exactly what goes what goes over in you what goes what happens in your brain you know how horses are pretty crazy uh ketamine calms them down so it's i've actually never done ketamine so okay you're working at little caesars you've done yeah yeah yeah you had me convinced so what are you as a 21 year old doing for fun out there I like going to the movies.

42:08Wow. I'm a boring guy, I don't know. You're poor?

42:12Brian Redban:Boring and poor. Okay. Alright, other than the movies, let's dig deep here. You're going to college, you're out there on campus. There must be something else fun that you do. You have any hobbies or anything like that? You play the ukulele or anything perhaps? Play a little guitar. You do? Are you just going off of what I said as a funny suggestion? No, it wasn't that funny. It's true. I just started. You just started guitar. I like stopping at the... There's like little sorority tables along the main walkway a lot of time, and they pay you to pie them, and that's why I'm poor. Cream pie. No, no, I wish Red Band.

42:50I wish. Yeah.

42:51Brian Redban:I like that you called them Red Band. That is the right time to call them Red Band. We wish Red Band. What does that mean, pie them? Like you like Venmo like one of the whores$3 to whip cream and throw it in their face. Oh, okay. Wow. Red band pays people to throw pies at his face. So this is very exciting. All different thing. Guys, what do you think about Riley? The R U Garbage guy. I have one question. The hair, is this a look that you wear with the hat all the time or is the hat just on? No, I asked the guy backstage front or back and he said back and I guess he fucked me. I don't know. No, it's not that.

43:27Like, do you always wear the hair down and wear the hat like that? No, sometimes I do this. The hair's long right now, but I guess usually.

43:36Brian Redban:The hair is eating your head alive. Can I ask you, would you be interested in a black barber that we know? Mr. Ziegler, not only will he cut your hair, but I'm pretty sure he'll fuck the living shit out of you. You are the type of tomboy I believe he's looking for. how the fuck you expect to get pussy with a haircut like that shit shit let me put it all the way in and show you what's up I fuck him so hard in his ass he got a pussy now he grew a fucking pussy this motherfucker I made him self generate a pussy I tell you what this ain't no little Caesar you're about to get the double double bitch the 12 inch with motherfucking pepperoni that was how Barbara we were talking about having sex with you yeah Yeah.

44:26Brian Redban:That's what it makes for you now. I'm going to give you the best 40 seconds of your life, you motherfucking white bitch. All right. Seems like a good kid. Seems like a short kid, young kid. Yeah, thank you. You're doing it. What made you come to Austin, Texas? I just came down just to hit some open mics, just to get on stage. Knoxville, you know, smaller scene. Yeah. A lot more opportunity here, just a stage time. What you been doing at one year, you're 21 years old, you're fucking chasing your dreams. good for you. Most people go their whole lives not doing something like this. I mean, Mr. Ziegler takes a break every time he gets into an argument with a girl.

45:02Brian Redban:Congratulations. The set was okay, so here's a medium joke book. You can take that back to Knoxville. Throw it at a college girl's face or something for three bucks. Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney+. Let's go! Get ready for a new case. We're the greatest partners of all time! New friends. Gary the Snake. And your last name? The Snake. Dream Team. And new habitats. Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record-breaking phenomenon at home. Zootopia 2, now available on Disney Plus Rated PG. And right now you can get Disney Plus and Hulu for just$4.99 a month for three months with a special limited time offer ends March 24th.

45:40After three months, plan auto-renews at$12.99 a month. Terms apply.

45:45Brian Redban:Not sure how to tackle your taxes? Are you sweating the small print? you may be experiencing FOMO, the fear of messing up. The answer, using TurboTax on Intuit Credit Karma. They help you get your biggest refund, and then we help you do more with it with a personalized plan designed to help you hit your money goals. It's time to take your taxes to the max. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. All right. You guys having fun out there? You get it? Yeah. Hell yeah. Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. Now we know this young lady, former Black Hawk helicopter pilot, was a man and now is a woman.

46:30Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Ellis, everybody.

46:39Thank you. My name is Joe and because we're in Texas, I'm legally required to tell you all that I am trans. Don't worry, they took my guns at the door. Yeah, you're safe for now. I go by Joe, J-O. I used to go by Joe, J-O-E. But like most things with transition, you just cut off the parts you don't like. Yeah. Speaking of guns, I actually do love guns. You know, us trannies are always packing something. And it's hard to conceal carry a Glock when you're hiding a cock. Yeah, and I love my guns so much. You know, I really only came out of the closet to make room for more guns. And because I'm on hormones, people ask me, and they say, is it safe for you to be around so many guns?

47:31And the hormones make me emotional sometimes, like a woman on her period. But not unstable. Like, not so unstable I'd shoot up a Catholic school. Oh, a little dark for the mothership. I asked a priest about that joke, and he said, finish blowing me first. He didn't say that I transitioned. I'm not a boy anymore. My name's Joe. Thank you.

47:54Brian Redban:Joe Ellis, everybody. The second most masculine female we've had on stage tonight in a stunning turn of events. Absolutely incredible. How you doing? Doing great. How are you? Fantastic. How long you been on stand-up now, Joe Ellis? Since June of last year. June of last year. Not even a year yet. I love it. Amazing. There was parts where it felt like a poem that would be, you rhymed glock and cock. I figured you'd like the cock part. Oh, look at you. Very funny. It's always weird when a chick with a dick is trying to make fun of you for being gay. It's incredible. It boggles my mind sometimes, the shots that people take.

48:37Brian Redban:It's like the halftime shot at an NBA game where they're like, all right, the pizza delivery guy is going to shoot for$10 ,000, everybody. Just goes in the stands or whatever. Anyway. All right. Joe Ellis, tell us what's new in life. What's going on? So much, Tony. This show has changed my life. Yeah. Tell us more. So Slate did an article about my appearance here last year, and it was covered in the UK Observer. I got to open for Ian Lara at Parks Casino, so I did 10 minutes for a national headliner. Nice. So much has happened. Like, the list is endless. You know, it's just so many great things.

49:13I just want to thank you for the opportunity. Absolutely. You know, you've given trans convicts more opportunities than I think anyone else. That's true.

49:20Brian Redban:That is true. Be sure to remember that next time I get canceled. I have a special coming out soon and they're going to be coming after me. So I'm going to need you on the front line of defense there. I'll stand in front and protect you. They are going to come after me. You heard it right here. It's happening soon. A couple few months away. Guys, you guys live in New York City. You have people like this all over the streets. Tell us, the R U Garbage Guys, what do you think about this 7 '5 trans lady? Yeah, you have a very captivating presence. And huge jugs that I can't take my eyes off of. We're being honest.

50:03I'm married to a lady, and... Next.

50:10I concur with my partner. I'm in. Let's do it. Fucking hot. I noticed this last time you've been on here, a little bit more luscious, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Red band? I've been getting a lot more, like, black guys in my DMs, too. I think that means I'm gaining weight. Wow. Mr. Ziegler's head just exploded in the back. What the fuck?

50:30Brian Redban:Hey, tomboy. I found my dream tomboy. I'm gonna take this bitch, I'm gonna eat her, put what the fuck in that, motherfucker. All right, but don't put the whole thing in now. Yeah. Pretty please. Like, I'll play along, but bitch, I'm gonna fall in love with your ass. You put the whole motherfuckin', alright. Well, I have been working out to try to lose some weight because, you know, it's important for trans women to stay fit because you have to keep stealing the trophies.

51:04Brian Redban:I'm gonna have to rewind that part one. Um, amazing. So Joe, who have you been hooking up? What is your type of, uh, person? Well, I've dated a lot of men in Austin, and most recently I started dating a lovely woman here. Okay. Really? Really. So, yeah, I'm with you on that. Yeah. We almost jinxed on reallys there. Yeah. You could call it pansexual. I call it I take anysexual. Right, but what does she call it? Like, what happened to her, you think? What type of trauma happened to her where she's like, I need a dick, not a dildo, but I want the delivery of a woman, but the thrust of a man. Like, what exactly has to molest you for you to bust a nut with you?

51:52Maybe it was a trans person.

51:53Brian Redban:Maybe. Maybe. It's my favorite category of porn, though. A woman fucking a regular woman. It's way better than looking at a guy dick. This is true. You get to see two sets of tits. Exactly. It's true. Bonus tits. She says I'm the best of both worlds, though. Amazing. Amazing. I can still open jars. You know, I'm emotionally available. Amazing. Amazing. I think this is going to last all the way until the inevitable murder-suicide that takes place. No, I'm kidding. Joe Ellis has the best sense of humor, and, you know, you've talked about me giving opportunities, but it's amazing. I think you're doing a lot for the trans community by getting roasted, trying to fire back.

52:36Brian Redban:It's like amazing to see you're a real fucking Texas tranny. So I just moved here. Congratulations. I love it. Amazing. Amazing. Joe Ellis, everybody. Thank you so much. Fantastic. I got to tell you, I have gotten word. I don't even know if it's real. There goes Joe Ellis. One more time for Joe. I can't believe the news that I've gotten. I'm really hoping that this is true. This entire show is improvised. and obviously all my friends and amazing, the best comedians in the world know that they can always pop in, pop out, goof around, this and that, anytime. And I've gotten word that one of our friends that has been on a global vacation for what I believe in my head is six months or something like that, traveling the fucking world is here.

53:21Brian Redban:He is one of the great comedians in the show's history, one of the great disruptors, one of the real troublemakers. Ladies and gentlemen, if it's real, and I hope it is, I hope it's not a prank, Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir, everybody.

53:55Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir.

54:01Brian Redban:You see, 532.

54:08Brian Redban:Wow. It's that thing. It's the microphone. I know it's been a while. I haven't seen this to any people since Uruguay. Hey, how is everybody doing? This is very odd for me. Thanks. I haven't been around stand-up or anything for about eight months. A little bit nervous. I was traveling through Latin America. I guess I'll tell you an observation I had in Latin America. I learned a lot. The hardest thing about fucking a street dog

54:51is gaining its trust.

55:04Because, sure, anyone could fuck a street dog. But how many people can get it to come back again tomorrow?

55:26I went through a lot of South America, you guys. A lot of those countries fucking hate us. I'll be honest with you. And it was difficult to break the news to them that most of us don't know where they are on a map.

55:42Legitimately, I was in Uruguay, and people were like, tell Americans we don't want them here. I'm like, no one knows that you guys are not part of Scandinavia, to be honest.

55:56I went all over that land. I skipped out of respect for Tony, Puerto Rico. but ever else i would thank you guys very good to be back everybody ari fucking shafir is back in

56:08Brian Redban:america what a fucking amazing surprise this is holy shit you're all the last people i saw before i left yeah this is awesome welcome back thanks i love that you didn't warn any of us i love that you didn't tell us you're always full of surprises your dick is in your pants this is incredible you're a changed man no actually i was watching without before i tried to tuck it but it wouldn't stay i was to come out with a tuck it just wouldn't stay and i apologize you do a podcast all about traveling and going around the world and uh so i mean where did you go can you name some of the places like yeah i mean started in mexico went south through uh el salvador uh guatemala were you like driving did you rent a car buses like you know hanging out with poor people I'll tell you one thing I observed that's different now that I noticed that I'm back in Austin.

57:02At least the homeless people in those countries have the decency to be ashamed about it. These guys are lounging.

57:10Brian Redban:Yeah. I saw a dude out there asleep on his stomach.

57:23What a leisurely way to be a problem for the world.

57:31There's, I mean, I guess it's good for your back, but there is no give on the concrete.

57:39Brian Redban:It is incredible. There is a part of 6th Street where if you're walking from this side of 6th Street West, there's a part where there's a ventilation system that kicks up hot air, and multiple people lie down next to each other on this one spot. It's very, very interesting. on top of a grate and um and there's people just flying by on bird scooters and shit like almost hitting them drunk it's incredible to see um you gotta try to jump them on those birds yeah oh yeah that's big points that's austin the video game you get big points by jumping homeless people on a bird scooter. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

58:24Brian Redban:Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Multiple. Amazing. So that's incredible. And fucking now you're back. What made you come back now? I missed you, Tony. Yeah. Yeah. We were really afraid. No, what made me come back is I have a new storytelling show that's coming out. Maybe you were familiar with my old one. Yes. Can't legally say the name, but you can. Right. This is not happening. Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with it. Yeah. Anyways, coming back, and guess who's on it? Skip, skip. Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm on it. It is true. He's on an episode with Big Jay Oakerson, Ali Sadiq, and Steph Tola have called Four Stories About Trying to Come.

59:10And it's available right now.

59:12Brian Redban:Where is it available at? YMHstudios.com. I love it. Direct to the people. Fuck YouTube. Fuck Netflix. That's right. Okay. I mean, we like YouTube and Netflix. Oh, I apologize. Not for this show. Sorry, sorry. Take that out. Just a reminder, we like YouTube and Netflix. We're gonna bleep that. Fuck HBO. Fuck Showtime. Fuck Showtime. The movie channel. Yeah. Well, this is so exciting. You gonna hang out? Yeah, I heard there's free drinks. I'll fucking hang if there's free drinks. There are free drinks for you, Ari. There's a toilet upstairs I can flush toilet paper in and brush my teeth with sink water.

59:45I'm fucking in.

59:46Brian Redban:I love it. Let's fucking party. Make some noise for the great Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen. What an unbelievable treat. One of the best comedians in the world. His specials are on Netflix. Let's have some drinks. Yeah.

1:00:06Brian Redban:Let's get another chair up here, and the great Ari Shafir's gonna join us for the night. Fuck yeah. Oh yeah. Let's do the squeeze, baby. Come on, slide down. You can bring that all the way. Perfect. Keep sliding, keep sliding. Do not make age fully squeeze in. Don't give me that fucking shit. I love it. I've lost 70 pounds since you've been gone, you fucking scumbag. Not to mention, he pulls this skip, skip shit. This motherfucker called me two days ago begging me to find him a place to live. The lovely Heidi. I'll tell you now that I'm close to it I know there's a homeless guy sleeping on his belly but I'm thinking about sleeping on this belly tonight look at this fucking Tempur-Pedic right here you have a lot of balls Schaffer I love it one more time for Ari Shafir ladies and gentlemen joining the party only here on Kill Tony can something so spontaneous and fun happen on a random Monday this episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks.

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1:02:32Brian Redban:We're going to watch a bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Chad Smith. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Smith. Thanks for Chad, everybody. What's going on here, guys? I'm Chad. I am from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. I am here on my birthday. If you guys don't know where Oshkosh is, that's where Chicago sends all their prisoners. That's right. The thing about turning 40 is more trips to the bathroom and seeing that doctor visiting that bat cave every year, right? Some of the guys know about that, right? Here's some fun facts about me, right? I didn't learn the birds and the bees growing up. My uncle gave me a Playboy, and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby.

1:03:23That one takes a little bit to sink in. Speaking of Bill, did he still do stand-up in prison, or was he the chocolate pudding?

1:03:37That's right.

1:03:43Fun fact about me is I work insurance. Here we go.

1:03:48Brian Redban:Chad Smith. Welcome, Chad. This is your first time on the show? First time on the show. Awesome. When you say that one takes a little bit to sink in, when exactly can we expect that to happen? Is there a week or a month coming up where... Two to three business days? Yeah, we're just going to be out there living our lives and all of a sudden just like, Oh, puddin'. It was puddin' because it was puddin'. It was puddin'. Okay, Chad, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm doing stand-up, this is two and a half years. Two and a half years, all of it nosh-kosh? Mixture between Bark Entertainment, which is Skyline Comedy Cafe, and then...

1:04:29Bark Entertainment, what? So all the way across to Wisconsin, and so everywhere from Waukee up until Green Bay. Got it. Got it. I hate this guy. He has off-duty cop vibes, for sure. I don't know why. I just don't like it. Let me see your licenses, prick. Gosh, gosh.

1:04:50Brian Redban:Amazing. There's nothing much out there. It's just, it's planes. Why don't you have the accent? When you're from the Midwest, you get a mix of Minnesota. So I do say about a lot. and then in the airport you guys laugh at me because I say bag instead of bag? For some reason I doubt that. I don't think anyone's ever laughed at you. He's too carefully. I don't like this guy. He's up to something. It takes a little bit to sink in. Don't count him out yet. He may be the funniest person in this show's history. We just don't know because it's on a delayed release. I'm going to get home tonight and be like, ah!

1:05:29Brian Redban:We all just died tonight. He killed. I feel like we're all high in a car and he just pulled us over. Were you a boy? Yeah, he's chilling gum. You guys been drinking tonight? What, are you getting tough guys? No pat down for me. Hoo. Well, say that joke again. Yeah, do it one more time. The one that takes a while to sink in. All right, so it's spelled out this way. So I never learned the birds and the bees. My uncle gave me a playboy. and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby. Learned how to count backwards.

1:06:12I don't get it. Does everybody get it? Your uncle drugged you and raped you. That's the joke. Right? What? Is that the joke? No. It takes a little bit. Bill always count backwards when he gave the date rape drug. I know, but... So did he rape you? So you're saying Bill Cosby raped you? No. Oh. No, that's what your uncle did. No. Birdson's B gave me a Playboy.

1:06:36Brian Redban:Who did? Your uncle gave you the Playboy, and separately from that. Separate joke. And then Bill Cosby talked you to the company. Yes, yes. Oh. What? But it still seems like Cosby's raping you in this joke, no? No. Wait, so you weren't raped by your uncle? No. Or Bill Cosby? Damn it. Have you ever even met Bill Cosby, dude? Have you ever seen a Playboy? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, how did Bill Cosby teach you how to count backwards, then? Well, when you're almost 40 years old, you've seen him on TV every week growing up. And does he count backwards on TV? Yeah, was there an episode? See, his answer's like that.

1:07:14It doesn't make sense, but you say it so confidently. I don't like this fucking guy. And he's fucking up to something, man. Or he walks in at the same time, there's something fucking going on here. I don't know if you're with this dude or what, man. Ari brought his travel agent with us. It's Ari's big bit. He's like, dude, just go out and be the most unfunny dude in the world. It's gonna kill. Now, who wants two tickets to Paraguay? Don't show me up. Two tickets to Paraguay, I've got... Can I give this guy a compliment? Yes. As soon as that meow happened, he was like... And then I also... All right, I'm done.

1:07:52Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, luckily, that's how I felt when I heard the meow, too. I kind of want him to finish the bit, if I'm being honest with you. Yeah, go ahead. Do that bit that got cut off. This might be, he may have saved all of his power for the closing bit. This might redeem you. This guy's coming in with a bedazzled shirt. He's very excited. This guy literally has plastic on his shirt. Oh, gosh, yeah. This is a fresh bit, and I'm not going to say who I work for, but let's say I do insurance during the week. and the joke was I called the client up during the day and she said I was too early. She still had her CPAP machine on.

1:08:29Too early. As a CPAP wearer, I'm offended.

1:08:38Brian Redban:Guessing that one's going to take a little bit too. It's a fresh one, Tony. It's a while. It's a while. It's a fresh one. In the beginning, it's a fresh one. It's a while. I'm kind of wanting to get raped by Bill Cosby now. Yeah. So when you say that you learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby, are you saying that, like, it's just made up? It's just a joke. There's no episode. There's nothing. So it's part of the birds and the bees? It's part of the birds and bees. All right. So when we write jokes at our club, we want to make sure it relates to people like my age. What? Who's the man? Who's Cosby in the audience?

1:09:16Who's we? And why are you explaining joke writing to us? Yeah. Who's the we? Hey, jerk-offs, when we're writing jokes that you guys clearly don't know what the fuck you're talking about, let me explain it to you, because I'm an insurance salesman. Well, yeah.

1:09:34Brian Redban:Hey, guys, zip it. Well, he's on a different level than us, dude. This Wisconsin, you know, there's these Austin, New York, L.A. arguments, but we are missing the boat here. Little did we know that the real thunder and lightning is the delayed release that has been conjured up in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. It is incredible. At the Bark Club? What's it called again? Bark Entertainment. Bark Entertainment. Bark Entertainment. Skyline Comedy Club. There you go. Oh, hell yeah. Skyline Comedy Club. Bark Entertainment. Hell yeah. Okay. Well, Chad, can you give us one interesting fun fact about your life before I get you out of here?

1:10:13Brian Redban:All right, cool. So I turned 40 on Wednesday. Okay. We know about that. You mentioned that the first thing that you actually mentioned was that it was your birthday And now we're finding out that you lied and that it was actually five days ago Which is I mean two more days. Oh You turn it on Wednesday this one Wow, okay? Well, all right, so it's something you guys do not know I'm an ultra runner, so I run 50 K's and above No, I really hate him. Yeah

1:10:46Go fuck yourself

1:10:51He's on a roll over there. He's like, bring back the Little Caesars guy. Let's get some pizza and get some pussy up here. This guy sucks, man. Dickhead, dickhead.

1:11:06Brian Redban:Chad, you did your best, man. You did the best Oshkosh set. We're waiting for the release. We're waiting for it to sink in. Thank you so much. There goes Chad. Smith, everybody. You know, on an episode in which... My goodness, I mean, Heidi is just a machine. Keeping everyone hydrated. Unbelievable. There she goes. Perfect. All right. On an episode in which we've been graced with the return of... Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen. It's Johnny Football, Johnny Manziel, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, boys? What's up?

1:11:56Man, what a pleasure. This has been a long time coming. Thank you. Thank you.

1:12:11I don't know about you guys, but I like the guy from Oshkosh. You've taught me a lot when I've been in Austin about, you know, friendship. Me and you have a good relationship. I run into the boys every show I come to. We have good vibes. I'm sitting up here tonight watching for probably the 20th, 30th time. You forget about some of your boys, you know. You've taught me about loyalty, all this. And I got a guy that I go eat crawfish with yesterday with you, like we do on occasion. smoke a couple cigs hang out you know meet the boys how do you leave

1:12:50Brian Redban:paulie motherfucking shore oh my god oh my god oh my god let's mix it up a little bit johnny manzel is bringing out paulie shore ladies and gentlemen No, I didn't want to do it, dude. I just wanted to fucking watch the show, dude. I didn't want you to bring me into this shit. Sometimes duty calls, my friend. Duty calls. Jury duty calls.

1:13:26Brian Redban:Make some noise for the legend Pauly Shore, everybody. This is like the Royal Rumble Kill Tony episode. It's just I've been texting you. I haven't been on here since about three months ago with Roseanne. I haven't texted you. Ari, welcome back. Nice to see you, my friend. L 'chaim, good yontif, good yontif to you. The Israelis are bombing Iran. I'm sure you're happy about that. Fucking cocksucker. I'm surprised he didn't go,

1:14:00Brian Redban:If Israel really wanted to bomb Iran, they would shoot a Chad Smith at them right now. Oh, I'm turning 40 in a few days. I don't know how I got here. So did you change your number? No. Because why aren't you fucking texting me back, dude? No, but for real, dude, you're worse than fucking Bobby Lee, dude. I love how you thought he must have changed his number. But no, it's not cool. How long have I known Tony for? For a long time. And yeah, a long time. give it up for Tony's beautiful man beautiful beautiful man and uh I I just I don't know what happened dude you know what I mean why do why do I sit back during New Year's Eve and you tell him I fucking I might just fucking I might jump on this motherfucker dude you fucking tell him when you move to Austin and you get this cool and your network expands he starts getting a big head you go to Netflix we're selling out Madison Square Garden we're doing all that it gets to your head It's like, who do I prioritize the most?

1:15:06Who does he put on the fucking New Year's Eve? You're at the bottom of the totem pole right now, my friend. This is what it's looking like. I think you need to stand up for yourself. Well, you say it, because you said it, and that's what made me fucking come down here. Tony, give him more shit. No, no, no, no, no. Chinese, listen to me. You had fucking Caratop and Rob Schneider as the bucket poles as your fucking golden ticket.

1:15:26Brian Redban:They were the co-guests of the year. Yeah, they were both the guests of the year. Yeah, but they weren't in fucking Biodome, bro. They weren't in a fucking goofy movie, bro. They weren't leaning to our motherfucking cheese stuff. No one gives a fuck about those guys. Stop fucking kissing their ass. Facts, facts, facts, facts.

1:15:52Brian Redban:Pauly fucking Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Molesting H. Foley of the R U Garbage podcast. What is he doing? That's incredible. Pleasable. Pauly, take it easy on him. Take it easy. That's just for men confidence. Get out of here. Am I in Son-in-law too now? No, Red Band had a good... I just dyed my hair brown. It used to be... Dude, I'm lucky I'm alive. Let's give me a fucking break, okay?

1:16:27At least I'm not Mickey Rourke. What the fuck? I could pay my rent, okay, asshole. So I dyed it because, you know, it was getting like this. You should do it till I get you Just For Men at Walgreens, bro. You'll get me the hookup at Walgreens? Yeah. I'll get you hookup at Walgreens if you want. That's funny. But it'll grow back out great. It'll be good again. Then we can go... Again, anyways. All right. I'm just kidding. It's cool you can have those guys on. But I'd like to be on your next Netflix show so I can do Richard Simmons' movie. Please.

1:17:01Brian Redban:Well, I mean, we are doing a Kill Tony WrestleMania crossover episode for Netflix in Las Vegas. It airs on April 20th for 20. How about, you want to do a spot there? If you want, if you will have me, that'll be fantastic. Can my friend Johnny come? Yeah, Johnny can come. Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny. I fucking love it. I don't know what that third ingredient in the blue chew gold is, but it's bumping right now because I'm pretty sure Johnny Football and Pauly Shore just walked out on my show. This is fucking incredible. I'm tripping my balls off. No, I love Carrot Top. I love Rob. We're just having fun.

1:17:46We're having a good time. You know, fuck it, right? Absolutely. We're having a good time.

1:17:50Brian Redban:That's what I do, dude. I dust off the old dusties, Chinese. Chinese. I like the garbage guys. These guys are awesome, too. Hell yeah. Thank you so much. I'm a fan of you. Thank you. Very cool. Yeah. I don't know if I'd call them that. They're not Puerto Rican. It's the are you garbage guys. The are you garbage guys. Thank you, Holmes. How about a hand for the great Pauly Shore and the great Johnny Manziel? These are my friends. I had no idea they were coming out tonight. How exciting is this? Oh, man. I'm going to get blackout drunk tonight. Anytime Manziel's around, we fucking do shots of tequila and roll dice all night.

1:18:32Brian Redban:Oh, he's the best. The funniest thing was watching that 23-year-old girl when you said Johnny Football, and she was like, I don't know who this is. And then I didn't think that look of baffling could get topped, but then when you brought out a 98-year-old Pauly Shore... This is like fucking Kill Tony Madlib. What the fuck is going on? Right. Dude, if he kept fucking with Foley, I thought I was going to have to beat up Pauly Shore. I'm like, I'm going to have to fuck this old guy up. And I love fucking Bayo, though. Yeah. I love it. The 23-year-old's like, is that Matt Rafe's grandfather? Is that the last remaining golden girl?

1:19:13Brian Redban:Oh, my God, it's Estelle Getty. Dude, we traveled down the road and back again, right? Because we're the golden girls, bro. what's up with you giving Carrot Top a chance and not me? A little spoiled baby. A little spoiled baby. Can I be on a Netflix episode, bro? Dude, if I could rewind 19 years and show you me arriving to the comedy store and the feeling that you feel the first time Pauly fucking Shore walks out of the door or something and you're like, oh, shit. And now 19 years of grinding, grueling, seven days a week, dream, nightmare, passion of your career. And here's Pauly going, dude, when are you going to give me a shot, bro?

1:20:03Brian Redban:Dude, can you hook it up, dude? What the fuck, buddy? Supposed to be pals, man. Literally never let me open for him on the road. I was starving. Starving my first views. Literally sleeping in my car behind the comedy store. He's like, dude, wake up. Time to get up, bro. You can't be sleeping too late. I'm like, Pauly, it's 8 a.m., please. I went to bed at 5. Let me sleep. I love how he, of all, you've had 100 people on the show. He only called out Rob Schneider and Carrot Top. It's true. That's who he thinks are the least talented ones you've had. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I'm better than those dipshits.

1:20:47Brian Redban:Yeah. I love it. It's like going up to Tarantino and being like, dude, why'd you go with Travolta in Pulp Fiction, dude? He was just dancing at the time, dude. You need a real star. I was in Biodomes. Inglourious bastards, babe, huh? Who's this Chris Waltz guy? What's the deal, bro?

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1:22:09Brian Redban:state we have nothing but momentum it's insanity before we get to another golden ticket winner let's Let's knock out one more bucket pool here. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trinity Altemeyer, everybody. Trinity Altemeyer.

1:22:31Hello. Yes, okay, my name is Trinity. I was named after the movie The Matrix. Have we seen it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In that movie, Trinity kind of serves as Neo Salvation. She's like a foil to God. and I'm just sick and tired of being seen as men's salvation. So like last year I was proposed to three times and I just, I am from Texas so I want to know what it is about me that says come and take it because I'm going to show you if I can come and take it. All right. Oh man. I just, it's, I canceled a date for this. I'll have you know, I'll have you know and I went down by the docks and so now I got some seawater on me and I smell like fish.

1:23:14What the fuck is new? I don't know. All right. I'm curious as to what the time is, and I'm nervous, and so I want to say my name again and end it here. You know, I used to introduce myself as the Father, the Son, and the Holy, and you can guess why. Self-care looks like a lot of different things, and I was confronted with an erect penis, and I didn't know what to do with it. So I grabbed a hold of it, and I went, vroom, vroom, vroom, pressing on his foot like a clutch. My dad taught me how to drive a stick.

1:23:48Brian Redban:Okay, Trinity, Trinity, Trinity. Let's slow it down here. We're done. We're done. Hi, Trinity. How are you? How are you? I'm good. I'm stupendous. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up? Since the end of July, so like half a year. Okay. All right. And you're from Texas? You live here? I moved to Austin in January, but I'm from the 956. I know I sound like I'm from a different valley. Let the people know exactly what the 956 is. Do you know where, like, McAllen, Edinburgh, Brownsville? Brownsville works. Brownsville! Hey, okay, yeah, okay. Okay. All right. What are you on, Trinity? What's going on?

1:24:26Brian Redban:You on some medicine? Um, unmedicated currently. Yeah, what? Can you rattle it off for us? I'm supposed to be on Lexapro and Vyvanse. Uh-huh. You're supposed to be. What are you on? Not that. Okay, what are you on? Just nothing. Nothing. At the moment. When you say you're supposed to be on Lexapro and Vyvanse. Jump off that. I know. I play Kill Tony Roulette, so this really is a special night. I didn't do anything, and I got picked. I know. So. All right. D Madness really making a spectacle of him leaving right now. I've never seen you face forward that long. We know. We don't like her that much either, D.

1:25:04Brian Redban:It's okay. D's mad because he got fooled by the last chick.

1:25:11Gee. Ain't getting me again.

1:25:15Brian Redban:It is true. This is what a feminine female comedian is like, everybody, for those of you that were waiting. Yeah, again, we just confused two of the dumb bitches in the room there. They're like, woo, represent! She's bombing and sucking through the interview. Anyway, Trinity, so what made you want to start stand-up six months ago? I was arrested for weed. Okay. You were just regular old weed? Regular old THCA. I got arrested, got a misdemeanor and a felony. And so I said, fuck it, what else am I going to do? Hold on, hold on, hold on. It was a felony amount of weed that you had? Yeah, it was just a THCA pen.

1:25:51Everybody in the crowd fucking has one.

1:25:53Brian Redban:Okay. Shut up, narc. Yeah, well... Okay. It's legal in Austin. You're safe. You're safe. Fucking God. But in the 956, it's a felony to have a weed pen? I was in East Texas when they got me. True? Yeah. If I go to my grocery store and I have a joint in my car, it's right outside of Travis County, I would get a felony for that. How did you know what county it was? Whoa. Red band. I'm confused. No, that's fine. Did you really get proposed to three times this year? Last year. Last year. How did that happen? Was it the same guy? Which wouldn't take no for an answer. Yeah. Three times in a row. Maybe you didn't hear what I just said.

1:26:37Will you? Okay, hold on. I'll go down on one knee. I'll try once more. You have nothing and I have a job.

1:26:45Brian Redban:Will you fucking marry me? Did he ask you three different times or did your three personalities just hear the same question at once? It was three different guys all in 2025. One was the end of a relationship in 22-4 moving into 25, then a fling, then some random, and now I'm a comic. You are, huh?

1:27:12Brian Redban:Wow. Trinity Altemeyer. Very interesting. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? What do you do for work? How do you make money? I oversee political organizing in, like, three different key states. Sorry. No, guys, that means she started January 6th. Well, we had to. What party? Who has you working for them? I gotta know. Is this why the Democrats are winning Texas elections all of a sudden? What's happening? What are you doing out there exactly? Who are you overseeing for? Right now we're working on affordable housing. Well, looks like that's never gonna happen, everybody. Time to get to work and start saving up for a house.

1:28:03Brian Redban:Sorry. Okay, what else? I can't wait to hear your platform. Other than affordable housing, what else are you working on? What are your goals politically? Honestly, it's a nonpartisan nonprofit, so we'll support anybody. We'll register anybody to vote. We don't give a shit what you think, what you do. We just want to get people, like, support and, you know, shit, dude. People just applauding chaos on the streets. Oh, that sounds good, actually. They'll support anybody. I fucking love supporting anybody. I'm fucking retarded. This is great. I'm completely retarded. Let's support anybody for any office.

1:28:39It's not like politicians. It's like policies. So we'll go in between, you know, like Ted Cruz and a different Democrat will have like different policies on fucking legalized sex work. And little did you know, Ted Cruz is like, let's legalize sex work. But it's to arrest more pimps. Yeah.

1:28:57Brian Redban:To arrest more. Yeah, little did you know. Little did I know. Welcome to another episode of Little Did I Know. I've learned a lot here with Trinity. Thank you. That's a very funny phrase in comedy. Little do you know. We've got to bring that back. No laugh has ever derived from little do you know. What did you say, Ari? We've got to bring that back in stand-up. Instead of folks, please, or ladies and gentlemen, little did you know. What a good twist. Little did you know, today's my birthday, actually Wednesday. Little did you know that it takes a little bit for that one to sink in. Hey, you know, in Latin America, there's a lot of street dogs.

1:29:40Little did you know, you can fuck them.

1:29:45Is that what you're working on? All right, baby.

1:29:49Brian Redban:Fucking chill. Whoa. Come on, baby, because you suck. Whoa. Fuck. Trinity landed like a pro. Like Alexa pro. Wow. Wow. All right, Trinity. I'm going to throw this little joke book right in front of you so you can catch it. There you go. It's all right. You can keep it if you want it. If you had your Vyvanse, you would have caught that thing. Ah, and you're so correct. What? I would have caught that. You're correct. Okay, you got it. Did you guys find that little joke book? It's gone, Tony. This guy with the shady haircut pocketed already.

1:30:27Brian Redban:This is so awkward. Give her another one. You guys get it? Here, here's another one. Here you go. Give her another one. There you go. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, there she goes. Trinity Altemeyer, ladies and gentlemen. Trinity. All right. Now we get to go to this. Okay. All right. Heidi working overtime tonight. We got a well-hydrated panel tonight. Heidi's the best. Make sure you follow her, Heidi Regina. No doubt about it. We have a golden ticket winner, everybody, who this is his first time cashing in. He blew our fucking minds. A veteran of comedy from the country of Turkey doing a brand new minute.

1:31:14Brian Redban:His first time cashing in his golden ticket. Make some noise for Orhun Timur, everybody. Orhun Timur.

1:31:27It's been really nerve-wracking back there. because I'm watching the people go before. It's like, open mic or legend. Open mic or legend. I'm like, can I please be after... I'm going to buy Trinity all the alcohol or medication she needs after this. I was like, oh, actually, I know her too. I'm like, oh, please suck. I don't give a fuck about your career, please.

1:31:50Anyway, but now comedy.

1:31:57So I'm 33. I've never gotten close to marriage. I can't look at you when I say this. I have to look at a man. I've never gotten close to marriage. You guys can act a little surprised, by the way. I bought a new fucking shirt for this. Fucking act surprised. All right, but the reason is because I'm a struggling comic, and I really don't want to settle for someone who would settle for me. You know, I... Anybody who looks at me and says, yeah, I'll waste my best egg years on him, I'm like, I don't want someone with bad judgment raising my children. You know? Anyway, thank you, guys.

1:32:42Brian Redban:Orhun Timur. Very funny joke. You're Tur-T-Tree? Tur-Tree? Tur-Tree. Tur-Tree, yeah, 33. There you go. Oh, hell yeah. I'm actually from Connecticut. I just do this accent to be more authentic, you know? Amazing. Ari, this is exciting for you to be next to the guy that we replaced you with when we thought you weren't coming back. It was a while. It was a long time. You weren't responding to texts out there. The texts were turning green. I'm like, I need to... I love you, by the way. If you want, I can touch your head and you can go to my country, Turkey, and they'll plug your hair if they see my hand.

1:33:24Buddy, I am 100 % thinking about that. Also, what is going on in the set of Taken 4? What? You gotta announce it. Set of Taken 4? It's over. It doesn't matter.

1:33:41Brian Redban:Orhun Timor. Where did you get that new shirt from, exactly? I got it from... Am I allowed to plug places? I just asked you a question. You're allowed to say whatever you want. Okay, Leopard's Lounge. It's a vintage place. Okay. But I can buy new clothes, too. I just like vintage.

1:34:00You're looking at me like, I don't know, I like it when somebody already sweated in it. Whatever.

1:34:06Brian Redban:It's very Turkish of you. Yes. The joke is fantastic. Tell us more about how life has changed since winning a golden ticket. What's going on life in Texas for Orhun Timor? Well, in Texas, it's amazing, first of all. I've been getting a lot of opportunities in general because I'm Turkish you know it's not always happy like 90 % of my country is very like yay flags all that 10 % of my country think I'm a traitor and four people think I work for Israel well yeah that's gonna happen a lot anytime anybody does good or bad at anything he just proved it now i'm if you make it you get a screenshot of that and send it back to istanbul it's just a thing now the world is on to uh the israelis because of the internet so if anybody does anything really please part up thank you if anybody does anything really great like making it in show business they assume you're working with the israelis and if you assassinate anybody or do anything really bad they assume you're with the israelis well that being said if you look at my tax returns of last year like i think they're shortchanging me a little bit over there well they are known for that yeah uh shortchanging with the israelis real that's the first thing they do what do you think is the most jewish thing about you if you had to guess oh good question to him oh wow I am thinking of the answer that will get me in least trouble no don't worry about you're okay you're next to Ari Shafir he's basically he's their supreme leader me I touch you we got it okay go gave him a high-five or is he calls it a high I think I like I like women who are mean I I think that's the most Jewish thing about me.

1:36:02Is that a Jewish thing, Ari?

1:36:04Brian Redban:Women that are mean? Well, the last bitch was. She just flamed me for no reason at the end. Fucking whore. Go down yourself. What are the Turks known for? What are some of their stereotypes? Oh, man. It's okay. You can't look at every answer like you're scared to death of someone assassinating you. I'm acting like I'm doing that. I'm actually thinking of the funniest thing. I don't give a fuck. I'll say whatever. I'm in America now. That's right. That's right. You have your green card? You got your green card? Huh? You got your green card? I have my citizenship. I'm good. Hell yeah. What happened with Ari Matty?

1:36:46Brian Redban:Why can't he do this? Ari decided to go through his own weird lawyer that he found online. And so it's taking a long time. You know the president. I know. He refuses help from everybody and anybody. Literally, we're friends with... Do you have any connections with the government? Yeah, I know the one in charge. It's the most bizarre thing. We're friends with the entire administration, and literally, he has to give them his case number, and Ari refuses, based on his own weird Estonian principle. I swear to God, this is true for us to help him. But what's exciting is that, much like you coming out and surprising us, His plan is to surprise us with a citizenship that hopefully fucking happens.

1:37:31Brian Redban:Because if it doesn't happen soon, they're literally going to ship him back to Estonia. He's going to be one of the most famous deported people ever. You're going to announce his name and someone with a baba klava is going to come out and say, he's not coming. But I got to say, most people in Turkey have been supportive. Like, I got to say that 90 % is very supportive. Americans are very supportive. Yeah. I got my first comedy nudes also. Comedy nudes? Because I got personal nudes, but now comedy nudes. Or nudes. Dick pics with a microphone? Some dick pics, some dick pics too, but I didn't press them.

1:38:09I didn't press them. How do you know they were dick pics if you didn't press them? It's because I saw skin color and black hairy thing, and I said I reckon this is a dick, I reckon.

1:38:23Brian Redban:so uh i'm gonna go back to stereotypes of turkish people what are they known for over there uh we're known for eating everything except pork oh but every part of a cow large intestine testicles well actually my father liked testicles a lot with eggs uh but really yeah yeah just my Nuts and eggs? Huh? Nuts and eggs? Yeah, basically, nuts and eggs. Wow. We call them life eggs. Does it give you energy or something? What is the part? It actually has absolutely no nutritional value. It's a psychological thing. You're eating the cow's balls and you're like, I bet now I have... It's a ball. Power. It's not a cow.

1:39:10Wow. Yeah. I'm almost positive. Have you eaten balls? Yeah, but not from a cow. Well, come with it. You're a legend over there. I'll make you any eggs you want. I know a stereotype of Turkey. I mean, I don't... Listen, I lived in L.A. for a long time, so it's a separate reason from you, but I hate Armenians.

1:39:34Is this true?

1:39:36Brian Redban:Moving on. You're afraid to tackle this subject, too? Do you have a dislike for Armenians? Oh, no. I love Armenians. I love everybody in our region. I grew up in the Armenia town of Turkey. Orhun's been famous for three weeks, and he's the most afraid of getting canceled out of anybody. This is the wackiest shit. So I love everybody. In fact, I participate in political party with Trinity Altamire. We do non-profit. We do non-profit. We do many policy. See, the thing is, when I, like, after I lived in America for a while, you realize like the Armenians and Turkish people are like the same you know all the things I don't all the things I don't like about them is exactly what I don't like about my people that's exactly how us pure Americans feel about both of you exactly perfect it's amazing what about the Greeks a lot of Turks don't like the Greeks the Greeks we took their land and we're not gonna fucking give it back because we want it fair and square we got a fair conquest by conquest i just realized i'm touring over there you guys are ruining me dude it's perfect um amazing or who and what do you think is the most american thing about you other than the fact that you're wearing the trans flag as a shirt right now i just realized that's actually 100 true i forgot I forgot that that existed.

1:41:02Brian Redban:I accidentally clicked on pictures sent to me a trans flag. I said, I want that in shirt. Most American thing about me, I guess I came to this land and I had no connection here and I said, this is mine. I think that's the most... Let's go. I love that. Orhun Timoor, ladies and gentlemen, with his first spot. spot and interview since becoming a Golden Ticket winner. It can happen to anybody. It can happen at any point, any time. My God, there are some diehard Heidi fans in the room. They are going ballistic for Heidi tonight. Is everybody on Blue Chew tonight? Alright. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Nate Hong Kong, everyone.

1:41:56Brian Redban:Nate Hong Kong Here's Nate, everybody Hello all, I am Nate Hong Kong Well, I was born and raised in Hong Kong But I got a big dick So you can just call me Caucasian There we go I, um, no, I have lots of Chinese friends as a result Or just the one I can't tell

1:42:26Yeah, I actually, uh, I failed my driver's license in Hong Kong. You know how fucking bad you have to be at driving? For a Chinese guy sitting next to you, shit scared, to be like,

1:42:46I can't walk in good conscience. You are a low hazard. No. I actually failed because I didn't hit enough of the traffic cones. What are you doing? You didn't call out that family a four hour. All right, that's me.

1:43:08Brian Redban:Nate Hong Kong. How wild show this is tonight. I like it. Nate, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since I was like, well, I did my first set, I think when I was like 18, I'm 29 now. In Hong Kong? You started in Hong Kong? Yeah, I did my first set at Takeout. Yeah, like a long time ago. Nice. Amazing. So you lived over there for how long? Yeah, I was born and raised there, and then I spent like a little bit of time in Singapore and then back to Hong Kong, and I was there until 2019. and then the Hong Kong protests went from like 2013 to 2019 and that, I was like a part of those and then...

1:43:46How'd you guys do on that?

1:43:50Brian Redban:The same as every protesting group of all time. Yeah. All time, never a victory for the people out on the streets whining about anything. Yeah. Turns out you need power every once in a while. It's true, yeah, we did very poorly. You know Garen Chu and Tammy Chan? No, I kind of left. Liar! Tommy Wong. Tommy Chong. Tommy Wong. I got this in one ear, that in the other. So when did you come to America, Nate? Like seven weeks ago. Seven weeks ago? Yeah, bro. I signed my lease on 6th Street yesterday. So yeah. Congratulations. First time ever in the United States. So you went straight from Hong Kong to Austin, Texas.

1:44:30No, I got stuck during the COVID lockdown in Australia. and then um and that made me want to blow my fucking brains out dude yeah yeah that was brutal that was like two years in lockdown maybe if you're like hot bitches that must suck yeah four years ago man yeah yeah it kind of just ended for me recently yeah unfortunately

1:44:50Brian Redban:you ever think that you may have been the one that spread that around i was the yes the answer is yes i because i was yeah they uh i told everybody when i moved there i'm like i've just come from Hong Kong and they were like uh right yeah it was funny yeah so you've been in Australia for four years uh yeah yeah more or less and then back to HK for a minute and then back to us HK I love it we go there so you know how to speak Chinese fluently I'm guessing I speak like conversational Cantonese I'm not very good the first language of Hong Kong is English so can you give us an example of a sentence like I can yeah I'll say yeah I'm a I guess we all speak Cantonese.

1:45:31Can you enunciate that a little bit? Yeah, uh... Yeah. My mouth is very... What does that mean? That's how I speak Cantonese. What? I speak Cantonese. Oh. Oh. I'm not even sure he speaks English after this. No, no, no, no. I gotta be honest, I don't trust this fucker either. He looks like he's from Dublin. He's like, I'm from Hong Kong. No, it's a good point. I wouldn't trust me either. I think my mom was a spy. I'm almost certain that my mom was an American spy. She drank for sure. Yeah.

1:46:03Brian Redban:While she was pregnant. What makes you think your mom was a spy? I was digging through her personal belongings one time and I found a picture of her and then it said spy. Oh, yeah. Your mom's definitely a spy. Damn. That's incredible. I don't think you should have brought that up on one of the biggest shows in the world. True, yeah. Sorry, Mom. Love you. You've blown her cover You should have consolation when she's getting her fingernails pulled out later this week My son's a comedian He's on Kill Tony Also, what a horrible spy Who takes a picture of themselves and writes, I'm a spy This guy's mom That's fucking crazy, dude No spies Let me just write it down so I don't forget I don't think they pull out your fingernails in China They might paint them and buff them out for it That's fine What is your mom, what do your parents do for work in China that they made you, that they made move there?

1:46:59Yeah, my mom was in the Foreign Service. And then she got stationed in the unofficial State Department in Taiwan. And your dad hides Lucky Charms? That's really funny, dude. That's really funny. Yeah. The answer is yes. Do you know Robin Hood yourself? Looks like the fox. Yeah. Yeah.

1:47:23Brian Redban:What have you been doing for work your whole life? I worked in hospitality, and then I did some work for a film production company based in Sydney. Okay. You saved up money and moved to Austin, Texas? Yeah, I lived with my parents for a year to save up money to move to Austin, Texas, yeah, seven weeks ago. And what's your plan now that you're in Austin? How are you going to make money here, Hong Kong? Yeah, I mean, I have an extensive hospitality background. So you're looking for work? Uh, yeah, yeah, looking for work, yeah. When you say hospitality background, what exactly do you mean? Bar, yeah, bar.

1:47:58Okay. Do you really mean hospitality? Yeah. There we go. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You will serve in a sake? Sake on the 6th Street? Yeah. Eww. Actually, it's funny, like, in Cantonese, you call people lobato, like, Japanese people lobato, which is like turnip head. That's like a good... Moon face. Very niche slur. Wow. Very niche. Very niche. My favorite slur of all time comes from Hong Kong. What's that? Mainlander. True. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. It's all the other Chinese. Hell. It's all the other Chinese except for Hong Kong and Taiwan. Ari, we have Jews in China, too. Yeah. They just can't get circumcised because there'd be nothing left.

1:48:47Brian Redban:Oh. Oh, a Chinese Jewish small penis super remix. Yeah, that's actually such a, yeah, that's a dirty lie, though. That's a dirty lie. Chinese guys, they have big dicks. I've seen them. Is that true? Yeah, like, I grew up going to gym class and stuff. Like, it's not, it's not like, yeah, they catch a lot of shit, but it's not all true. I think we just found out that you have an extremely small penis. I'm pretty sure you just accidentally he's like my mom's a spy and I got a little dick thank you that's my time but at least it doesn't take a little bit for that to sink in at least we know exactly what you're talking about right before we get the legendary Hong Kong four yeah this guy's ooh Mandingo he's got the biggest replica on the dick that's so funny that's so funny oh my god alright Nate well I like your style man welcome to Austin, Texas here's a big joke book coming at ya Bing Bong Bing Bong is his travel agent's name everybody back in Hong Kong little fun facts for ya Bing Bong alright your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Rockout Millie that's an interesting name Let's all meet Rockout Millie together.

1:50:13How we doing, Austin?

1:50:18I go by Rockout Millie. The first question I get usually is, what race am I? And I'd like to represent for half black, half German. You know what I'm saying? Not a lot of us out here, but we out here. I think it's kind of funny how retarded guys,

1:50:37NBA players both say currency the same way. Money.

1:50:51See, I was playing on stripping, my bad. I was playing on stripping when I got out here, so I'm gonna strip. You feel me? First of all, let me talk to Mike a little bit. What's up, Big Mike? What you doing?

1:51:12we fuck with whitney houston austin we fucking with whitney houston i got caught in the rain before i came here this ain't the first time this bitch got wet it's not the first time

1:51:27Brian Redban:okay rock out millie with his kill tony debut ari shafir before we go on i don't this is a long Whitney Houston was a pop star and she died in the bathtub.

1:51:39Second of all, who's asking you what race you are?

1:51:49Brian Redban:Even D. Madness knows the answer to that one. That motherfucker, black as night! He looked like what I be seeing! Am I wrong or do you have a little German in you? Am I right? Holy shit. Look at this guy. Are you really half German? Really? My mom's German. She's completely German. Yep, sir. Wow. I don't know my dad, so I assume he's black. I can't even imagine how black he must be. The dominant genes of your black father. I mean absolutely incredible rock out Millie. What am I? You look Jewish. Yeah, you got it. He said you look Jewish. That's a German in you. That's a German in him. By the way, let me remind you all.

1:52:48Brian Redban:Let me remind you. The German in him hates me and the black in him respects me not tipping. Hell yeah, I never tip. Fuck no. Do your job, bitch. It checks out. Yep. I'll mention it again. Your dad has dominant genes. What's amazing is you're half German. And meanwhile, we had a black guy on earlier named the Mr. Ziegler. And he wasn't half German. His last name's Ziegler. What's up with the black German thing? Do you have an answer for that? Fuck no. Where are you people coming from? Shit. He said he doesn't know his dad. Shit. Wow. You might be Mr. Ziegler's son. Have you ever put your dick fully inside a lady?

1:53:37Or only a little bit? And make him go crazy. Inside a what? Do you put your whole... What the fuck's going on?

1:53:45Brian Redban:I just fucking answered this guy like I'm on his show. It's incredible. This is an amazing... You're born here or you're born in Germany? Fuck no. I was born in New Jersey. Oh, shit. Buddy, you are not... The jersey? Wow. All right. He's turning on the crowd, ladies and gentlemen. Pretty angry. Making a heel turn here. Oh, he wants more of the booze. It's okay. I love a heel turn. We're going to keep... Oh, he got that painted outside of the alleyway, without a doubt. The guy was sleeping on his belly, woke up and painted on his jacket. This is absolutely amazing. Rock out Millie up here with one very cotton glove.

1:54:27Brian Redban:That is... Is that just... Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. Who's wrong, Tone? Michael Jackson glove with a Whitney Houston shirt. We are all hoping he dies soon. This is incredible. Amazing. Rockout Millie, how old are you? I'm 24. 24. What do you do for work, Millie? Unemployed. I got an interview tomorrow, though. Okay. Where? Amazing. I got a feeling you're not going to get it.

1:54:59Fuck!

1:55:01Brian Redban:Where's this interview at? Whole Foods. Oh, yeah.

1:55:09Brian Redban:What do you want to do at Whole Foods? It's the seafood department. Okay, well, you already smell like that, so... No! I'm kidding. Millie, what's your living situation? You move here full-time? Yeah, I came here on New Year's. Okay, you have your own apartment? Homeless after they're on 7th Street. Okay, so you're homeless. Yeah, look at me differently. Great. Yeah, you're doing great for homeless. That's amazing. Most homeless people don't have two gloves. The only bad news is they're both for your right hand. So that left hand, Frostbite. Old Frostbite Millie over here. So, oh my goodness. Wow.

1:55:50Brian Redban:Oh my God. We had Uncle Lazer. We've never had cousin laser before. This is incredible. Wow, this guy's got... This is brother laser. Yeah. Amazing. A man of many slight talents. Well, he's pulling something else out. Millie, so how long have you been homeless for? Since New Year's. I came here on New Year's Day, and I sat outside the comedy mothership that whole day. Okay. That's a weird resolution. I got to a shelter on the 12th. Okay. So 12 days. 12 days homeless. 12 days on the streets, the shelter after that. What were you doing in New Jersey before you moved here? I went to New York when I was 13, but I was born in Jersey and I was a grocery store manager.

1:56:34Brian Redban:Okay, you managed a grocery store in New York City? No, I managed a department. What department? Deli department. Ooh, now you're looking to make the jump into seafood at Whole Foods. It's a big leap. Big jump. You didn't have a seafood department. Oh. But you dreamed.

1:56:53Brian Redban:Hell yeah, Millie. What else about you? What do you do for fun? I like the draw. I got this little cartoon I'm working on called Dope Cone. It's gonna be out soon. Called what? Dope Cone. Spell that. D-O-P-E-C-O-N-E. Dope Cone. Dope Cone. What's that about? What's the theme of Dope Cone? Two stoners. And it's a comedic cartoon, and it's, um... It got some deeper meaning into it, but it's really just... It's just funny. Where can people find it at? Check my Instagram out at rockoutmillie. Okay. Rockoutmillie, M-I-L-L-Y, everybody. There he goes, rockoutmillie. Here's a... I'm just going to give it to you because you look like you need it or you could resell it or something.

1:57:35Brian Redban:Can I play harmonica one thing real quick? What? You think he's good at harmonica?

1:57:43Brian Redban:Oh, no. Do not put that on. Ari, don't do it. Oh, he's going to do it. Ari! He's going to do it. It looks clean. Ari, don't do it, man.

1:57:58Ari, you're going to turn German.

1:58:00Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, you know it. A fearless, fearless legend. Oh, he's got bed bugs. Ain't no party like a bed bug party. I really hope he gets that job. I do, too. Yeah, I hope he doesn't wear that shit to the interview and look like a fucking idiot. That's actually a great point. Is Millie already gone? Millie already gone? Let's see if he's right there real quick. Send him back out real quick. Because that's a great question, actually. I just wanted to tell him to make sure to wear that shirt. That's a great point. Real quick, Millie's still here. Millie. Is he there? It's Millie Bobby Black.

1:58:36Brian Redban:He's probably back in Jersey.

1:58:40Brian Redban:Is he gone? Okay, he's here. He's here in the rain. Here he comes, Millie. Real quick, real quick. Just one question. Just come out. Send him out. Send him, send him, send him. Millie. Real quick, because he brings up a great point. What are you wearing to that interview tomorrow? What are you wearing to your job interview tomorrow? A fucking suit and tie. You have a suit and a tie? Okay, there he goes. All right, good luck. We're going to put in a word for you at the Whole Foods. Fifth Street, come see me. Seafood department. Fifth Street at the freeway. There he goes, seafood department.

1:59:18Brian Redban:You're a kid, you don't want him homeless. All right, we're having fun here tonight. Just had to make sure. Last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for Alex Hurtline, everybody. Alex Hurtline.

1:59:33Fuck yeah, dude. I'm starting to think all Mexicans are Oklahoma Thunder fans. because whenever I ask one for a favor, they're always like, okay, si.

1:59:57Yeah, dude. I fucked a celebrity. Yeah. Dude, it was a great time until I got kicked out of the wax museum.

2:00:07Yeah, dude. The fucking security guard that caught me, he was like, Sir, I need you to pull out a Buzz Lightyear right now.

2:00:18Thank you, yes. Ah, let's see here. Everybody measures the height of snow, but never the girth.

2:00:33Very stupid, yes. Oh, thank God, dude.

2:00:36Brian Redban:Thank you very much. A great fucking set, Alex Hurtlein. Welcome, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Second. You've been on this show before. I remember now that I see that crazy birthmark you guys have. Oh, yeah. That thing's wild. Ari was like, he's got a black eye. He's got a black eye. He also said that about Rockout Millie, too, when he came out. He's like, he's got a black eye, a black cheek, a black forehead. Something's up with this guy. All right. Alex, welcome back. Where was that last... When was the last time you were on the show? It was in July. Greg Fitzsimmons was on, and I had a generational fuck-up.

2:01:09Like, I did jokes about my birthmark, but I wore a bucket hat so, like, nobody could see what I was talking about, and I, like, bombed hard as fuck.

2:01:16Brian Redban:Well, tonight you fucking cranked it, dude. Amazing jokes. I love the unbelievable crisp enunciation. Everybody got what the fuck you were saying. It was well written. It was well edited. Everything was tight and strong and fucking smart and funny. I was wondering where you were going with that OKC joke. Incredible. The act out, the whole thing. Amazing stuff. Ari Shafir. Also, didn't lean on the fucking birthmark at all. Yeah. Great. Let this be a lesson to all these wheelchair cowards.

2:01:53That every obstacle is just a hurdle that some of you can leap over.

2:02:05Brian Redban:The classic Fiona Colley laugh in the mix. She's fucking great. holy shit oh my god so alex that's amazing it's great that you learned that lesson about the birthmark and the hat and everything crazy stuff like that happens um what else has been going on in your life remind us how old are you i'm 24 24 what do you do for work i'm a i'm a barista at dutch bros now okay fuck yeah crushing it oh yeah baristas are reach for dutch bros but okay true You make coffee. Yeah. I put shit in a cup and I'm like, here. Yeah, dude. Your face looks like you got a handshake at Interstellar. Yes. Does anybody ever order a black eye at that place?

2:02:52Brian Redban:Do you know what that is? That's a drink? That's a drink. No. I was once, a lot of people don't know this, but on the grind and hustle that I've been on, I once worked at the Starbucks next to the comedy store morning shifts before working the afternoon phone shift at Starbucks, and I am a master fucking barista from 18 years ago. Coffee with an espresso shot? That is a red eye. Wait, what's a black eye? That's a coffee with two espresso shots, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Amazing. So we all learned something here tonight. If you really want to get fucking wired, you could throw espresso shots in your coffee.

2:03:27Oh, yeah. I have a Starbucks question for you, though. Sure. Compare the two. What did tortas order the most?

2:03:34Brian Redban:What's a torta? A fat Mexican lemon. That's very easy. Straight fucking frappuccinos all day. Caramel, caramel. Double caramel, extra whipped cream frappuccino. That's interesting because at Dutch Bros it's always like a strawberry horchata chai. Well that's probably as close as it gets. Yeah. We didn't have horchatas at the Starbucks but I promise you if we did that would be the the torta. That would be the drink of tortas. What do you guys think about it? That's fucking awesome. He's fucking funny as shit. Chill. You know what? What are you doing this whatever Red Band's show is?

2:04:22Brian Redban:That is a great point. You don't want him on? Why don't you come down to see the show this fucking whatever day? It's a special week. It's South by Southwest week. And also, he said, thank God, when it was the minute. He's like, thank God. I can't, you know. I'm just scared, dude. That's all. How much material do you think you have that's like that minute that you did, that quality? Obviously, those are like three of your best jokes. Yes. So, like, the longest I've done is probably 25, but that was like two years ago. How long you been doing comedy again? Three years. Three years. I have, like, it's one-liner shit like that and then kind of stories.

2:04:56If I had to guess, maybe 30. If I was bombing straight, I could be up there for 30, I think.

2:05:03Brian Redban:You know what we're going to do just for fun? Since Ari teased you and I don't have a golden ticket to give away because your interview is just a normal white guy. But what I am going to do... You call that a normal white guy? I mean, he is turning into a werewolf in real time. He looks like he's about to have superpowers. Yeah, right? Dude, I'm a firebender at heart. You know what we are gonna do, though? We're gonna send you up to Adam Egott right now, who's doing showcases in the other room. And you're gonna do a short set for him right now. How long is that? It's either three or four minutes, something like that.

2:05:43Brian Redban:They'll tell you right before. Right now in real time. Alex Hurtlein, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. Phil, he's about to be in front of the Booker of the Booker. the mothership, the former booker of the comedy store, literally the biggest talent booker in the comedy industry. Tell him to only turn the left-hand lights.

2:06:08Brian Redban:It'd be funny if Adam's like, I'm gonna pass you, oh god, what the fuck? Oh no, he was a fucking monster, man. God damn it, why'd you guys send up that freak to me? Yeah, I think you got a lot of, what the fuck? I have a real eye for what the fuck is that. All right. Everybody, I mean, what a fucking show it's been. Amazing. We started with William. Ari Maddy's on the road doing extra shows. Timmy No Breaks is conserving energy, but we have one more regular to close out tonight who I think is taking over fucking comedy one week at a time. An undisputed growing freak of nature. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta.

2:06:58Brian Redban:Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for yet another. This guy never turns down a set. When we've done two shows a night, when we've had multiple shows a week, he always has a new set. Make some fucking noise for one of my favorite comedians, Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

2:07:23What's up? My therapist told me I can't be a YN no more. A YN mean young nigga. And, uh, cause one, I'm 35, and that energy is dangerous with a nigga with no ACLs. So now I'm on my WPN shit. It's white people insurance. I just got health insurance. I did, I had to, because now I got to start going to the doctor. I was against going to the doctor because my uncle told me at a young age, he was like, the emergency room is free. Right? We live based on that. And then after I went to college, I just started using my student loan debt because they won't let you die if you own student loans. Because student loans is the only thing that you can only pay with by dying.

2:08:23Like, you can't do, like, bankruptcy. So, like, I would use that to my bid. Y 'all remember when the cops was real mad at black people? And it was scary, right? Everybody was scared, but not me. Every time I got pulled over, I would roll down the window and I'd be like, I owe$40 ,000 to Sally Mates!

2:08:48And then the cop be like, ah, all right, I was gonna shoot this shit out of you, nigga. I didn't know. Even when you go to the hospital, if you want to get to the front of the line, you gotta go tell them niggas you got student loan debt. I don't care what's wrong. You could have a car door stuck in the middle of your chest and it's actively giving you AIDS for some reason. Nigga, you will get soft. Like, you will get, nigga, you come in there, and you like, I got$120 ,000 in student loan debt with an ethics and philosophy degree. Nigga, Dr. House, Dr. Mario, the niggas from Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs, Show Up.

2:09:31Y 'all notice, there no niggas died from COVID that had student loan debt. That's my time, I'll let y 'all. Jesus Christ.

2:09:41Brian Redban:God damn it. He's done it yet again. You just gotta learn to love it, people. Two or three massive huge applause breaks. Only Ari got that with brand new material from a fucking huge vacation. Dedrick, you are a fucking pro, dude. I'm not playing no fucking games this year. I'm going for rookie of the year and MVP. I got Coach Bill Belichick over here and White Dad.

2:10:16Brian Redban:It's just incredible. Your knack for fucking amazing premises is what I just absolutely love. Not letting people die if they owe money is amazing. Facts. It's incredible. Honestly, if you think about it, Tony, all these people that's on, like, ICU, like, on the core, like, brain dead, if you just go whisper how much them niggas, like, calls just, sir, you're at$180 ,000, that nigga will just get up. Like, you know what I'm saying? I feel like if we just go tell these niggas they running the bill up, they was like, pull the plug. I'll walk, nigga. I don't... Amazing. You had amazing jokes that I think went over people's heads.

2:10:58Brian Redban:WPN, white people, insurance. Unbelievable. I went to... I whispered in Red Band's ear, fucking insurance. Unbelievable. I mean, it's just amazing. You're hitting from every angle. You're absolutely crushing. Ari, this has to be your first time seeing Deirdre. I don't know who he was. I mean, obviously, I love the teeth. Thank you. I'm just pricing it out as I watch you. But you were able to overcome that, and I can hear your material. I was doing that in the background while I was listening to you, which is great. Black debt matters. Yep. No doubt about it. You're bald. I think... Guys... You son of a bitch.

2:11:49Brian Redban:You should have kept that homeless Jamiroquai hat on. He wouldn't have had anything on you. He came out looking like a homeless Gandalf the White. Through fire and shadow I fought him for seven days. Fuck you, nigga. I love you so much. I love you. Please don't get mean to me. I'm too high for you. It was great, buddy. I love it. And this is, have you guys ever seen Dedrick before? No, first time. First time. I've seen the clips. He's a fucking stone cold killer. Just in person, he's fucking crazy. You would love him on Are You Garbage? Because he is from real Atlanta. The kid has fucking stories.

2:12:28He looks so classy. What are you talking about? It's the kill Tony money now. Let me tell you. I did see his first clip.

2:12:35Brian Redban:He was dusty as shit. Yeah, I was. He really is. I was. The gold chains, the gold teeth. He's got the earrings. But my favorite thing is what's cooler than a black guy wearing a brand of menthol cigarettes that aren't even in business anymore for the ball cap. Salem. My uncle got this in the 90s because he sent in a bunch of empty cartons. He sent in 72. And it's the same uncle that used to steal the pothole covers in Indianapolis and go sell them in Detroit at the recycling center. An entrepreneur. That is actually an RU garbage card. I was going to say. I've never cashed anything in off Barbro points.

2:13:12That is a lie. Are you garbage?

2:13:15Brian Redban:One of the first questions we ever came up with. This guy might be your first ever, like, 10-part docu-series, Are You Garbage? Dedrick is a machine. You did it again tonight. It is a home run. You haven't been a regular all that long, and I've been throwing you these closing positions and hyping you up on the intro, and you never fucking dodge a bullet. You always go with the wind. It's incredible to see. This is my shit. I fucking love doing this shit. I love being on Kill Tony. I love following my dreams. I love boxing my fucking ass. I love fucking being here. I love Brand Band. I love Tony.

2:13:55Team Madness, we got a beef, nigga. I've been waiting to get in conscience. This blind nigga, this blind nigga been on my ass all day because that goes into the other blind nigga you get Chris. I call him blind Chris. That nigga beat me in a pool yesterday. Don't talk about... This nigga beat me in a pool. Because them niggas can see with their ears. Like, this nigga... And then he had Jay Legend back advancing the nigga the whole time. Fucking hell of it. And that nigga beat me in a pool. Then this blind nigga, I guess, hurt it through the blind grapevine. However them...

2:14:30Brian Redban:Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, the unstoppable force. The future has arrived. learn to love it it's the dark storm of austin texas dedrick motherfucking flynn what a goddamn show we had tonight ari brought to you by shopify and quo ari plug the release one more time it comes out this are you this is wait hold on it's called the end it's a new version of whatever storytelling show you know it's got it's available april 16th but the pre-sale is available right now at ymht studios.com tom segura is producing it it's got tony hinchcliffe held lying an episode roy wood shank gillis nate bargatze tom segura chris stefano mark norman joe list on and on and on and on and on at tony is headlining probably the best best episode we have four stories about trying to come Thank you, buddy.

2:15:27Brian Redban:And it's a real you know, Ari's been my big brother in this shit for about two decades and you really did put a lot of fucking effort into this thing and it's awesome. And you just heard the names on it. One more time for Ari Shaffir, surprising the dog shit out of us tonight. And how about one more time for the RU Garbage guys? RUgarbage.com. Back on the block tour. Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Three of my favorite human beings here. Thank you. So much fun on a random Monday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Little Timmy No Breaks gonna be for sale in the lobby with all that cool Kill Tony merch.

2:16:07Brian Redban:Killmerch.com for an amazing new plethora of things, including our new WWE merch in which, of course, we will be in Las Vegas April... Right after the Saturday night of WrestleMania. That is indeed April 18th in Vegas, a WWE Kill Tony crossover episode. And it's, yeah, it's completely crazy. It's my dreams coming true. And May 7th, we are at the Intuit Dome doing the largest attended audience for a Kill Tony ever. Bigger than the O2 Arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden, a return to Los Angeles where we started this thing 13 years ago in front of 17 people, maybe less. Tony, can I just say that people, I was hustling around the fucking world, and a lot of people mentioned the special thanks to your goddamn Netflix shows.

2:17:06Yeah, every time. Fuck you.

2:17:10Brian Redban:Special thanks to Ari Shaffir for nothing, right? What does it say again? There's a lot in there. Look at the credits on Tony's show if you made it that far. Yeah. And yeah, you're a cunt. It's fun. We have a lot of fun running jokes, me and Ari. One more time for Ari Shafir. Red Band? Check out my new music video, You Know Me, Cap Red Music on YouTube, Cap Red 7 on Spotify and all. That's right. A lot of other huge announcements happening very, very soon. And that's about it. So we love you guys. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:18:36Outro Music

2:18:52Thank you.

2:19:22Thank you.