#763 - JEFF ROSS

18:30No, my mom, man. Your mom got those for you? Yeah. That's adorable. I didn't realize they made overalls for six foot four fucking crackheads or whatever you are. It's easier to get overalls that fit me than goddamn jeans, man.

18:44Brian Redban:And they're cheaper. Overalls are cheaper than jeans? Yeah. Isn't that an incredible fun fact? All that extra fabric. Yeah. But I guess when nobody wants them, it kind of makes sense. It's kind of supply and demand or something like that. Cigarettes at hundreds when they cost the same amount. That's a really great point. Our senior cigarette correspondent, Brian Redband. Full of cigarette analogies. Aaron, what do you do for work? I do valet during the day. You do valet? Yeah, mostly tractors.

19:19John Deere. Amazing. Aaron, how long have you been valeting for? A year and three or four months, I think. What's the craziest thing you've seen valeting? craziest thing or anything come on there's got to be something wacky i know you're trying to keep your job but you got a car there's something sitting on the passenger seat just a lot of shitty dog in a carrier perhaps or something like that no somebody has left their kid in the back seat and i was like oh shit like baby baby like i started driving off and how much did you get for it not enough i'm still working there i noticed that you called it a baby baby That means like it's like an extremely young child in a carrier?

20:04Less than six months, yeah. Wow. Like it's not, yeah. Wow. How far did you make it until you realized there was a baby in the back? Halfway around the block. Oh, my God.

20:14Brian Redban:Was it a dad or a mom? Both. Oh, my God. It was the family, man. Holy shit. Yeah, it was weird. Wow. And how did they react? Did you realize before leaving the car or did someone call you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so every now and then somebody leaves something in the car and there's the bike lane. So you got to watch that mirror real heavy. Look in the mirror for the bike lane. I just see the parents like, oh, shit. I'm like, what's going on? And then you hear the, I'm like, oh, yeah. It's extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something, right? Exactly. And you look like the last guy anyone would want to leave their little baby with.

20:56Luckily, you guys were dressed the same, so it was perfect. Josh. Absolutely incredible. Probably wear the same brand diapers, too. Aaron, what do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Mainly, like, hunting, golfing, working on cars, going fast. What do you hunt for? I've done deer pretty much my whole life. I was born and raised in Michigan. That's pretty much all that's there. Deer, ducks, squirrels, simple shit. Do you play music or anything? Why do you look like that? I don't have an answer for that. It's just free will. Yeah. Don't like going to get haircuts. Haven't had it in like six years.

21:37I just go for as easy as possible. Like, I hate putting... Tell us what else you do in life in which you're going for easiest possible. Easiest possible? You have one-ply toilet paper? Jeff, what were you going to ask? Joke writing.

21:53Joe White:Oh, fuck. That's for sure. It was so quiet during your set, I could hear the guy painting.

22:11Brian Redban:What other shortcuts in life do you take? You don't get haircuts. Come on, there must be more. How often do you do your laundry? Oh, shit. Once every other week. Okay. Yeah. I just have all those pack t-shirts, so they all look the exact same. You don't have to try at all. Give us another example, though. I kind of gave you that one. Give us another example of a shortcut in life. You know what it is. See, some people, they get pulled out of the bucket, and during this interview part, they don't want to give us anything good to work with. They want to look cool so they can show perhaps future girlfriends their amazing appearance on Kill Tony.

22:46Brian Redban:You might as well get that out of the way. So, like, what is it? A shortcut? I don't wear boxers ever. Wow. So there's just nothing going on underneath there. So those are true overalls. Yeah, six years, yeah. Oh, my God. What'd you say? What'd he say, six years? Yeah, I haven't had boxers in six years. Wow. Or seven. Haircut in how long? Six years. What happened six years ago?

23:15Ask him what happened.

23:16Brian Redban:You're cracking the case. Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago.

23:25Brian Redban:What happened six years ago? Oh, fuck. It was the pandemic. I just gave up. Oh, okay. I mean, nothing, like, serious. I didn't get diddled. I was living with my mom. Life was easy. I don't know. Living with your mom, just free balling. Yeah. Wow. And she's like, here's some overalls, dude. Please, for the love of God, cover that shit up. Wow. That's incredible. What's your living situation like? Three roommates. Three roommates. How many bedrooms? Four. How many bathrooms? Four. Wow, look at you. It's absolutely shocking. Yeah, we all got our own bathroom, own shower, own shitter. Wow. Yeah. But y 'all share the same pair over.

24:14Tonight was my turn. It's my night out. Aaron Spaller, anything else absolutely crazy about your life we should know about before letting you go? I mean, I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour. You crashed? You were driving a tree? Yeah, dude. Like a, yeah, no, a car into a tree, yeah. Wow. Okay, can I take a guess that this was six years ago? No, it was, that would make sense, but no, that was 2016 or 17. Wow. and uh where this was in michigan oh yeah and why were you going 90 miles an hour because i had this job where i was like i was their part i was an auto shop and i was their parts bitch so i'd have to run around and pick stuff up and i got too high and i missed all my turns and they were on the phone just screaming at me like you got seven minutes if you don't pick this up you're fired yada yada i was on a dirt road and just floored it and then there was like a cross and this lady She pulled out, stopped, and then just stayed there.

25:19So I just, it was either kill her or the tree. Right. You decided to kill the tree. Yeah, man. Amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you end up getting fired from that job immediately? No. Wow. So they were going to fire you for being late, but running into a tree saved you. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. That seems like the story of your life, Aaron Spaller. It's something.

25:41Brian Redban:There you go. Well, here's a little joke book, buddy. Little one. I almost made it into multiple pockets there. There goes Erin Spaller. This is the bucket portion of the show. Very clearly. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving here. You seem like a nice guy. Oh, shit. There she is. The lovely Heidi, everybody, has made it to the show. The one and only. Watch her show, Love on the Line. See it all. L 'chaim. To your health. To Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, watch Take a Banana for the Ride. out now on Netflix. Thank you, Tony. Thank you for coming to opening night and everything.

26:21It was awesome. That was so cool. So cool. I found a cool picture of us backstage. Yeah, that's the best. You guys have to watch it. It's a heartfelt and hilarious one-man show. By the way, I tried it out in this room like three years ago. Oh, yeah. I did some run-throughs a couple years ago, and some people earlier told me they were here. Hell, yeah. It's kind of a full-circle moment. I love it. I love it. We're all doing it. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by PrizePix. The playoff push is heating up and tournament hoops are here. Every bucket, every dime, and every win means more when you're playing on PrizePix.

26:56And with our brand new TeamPix markets, you can now pick game winners, spreads, and totals. So cash in if you're right during all the clutch buckets, slam dunks, and Cinderella's this spring with TeamPix on PrizePix. Tony, I love PrizePix. I always loved making player picks on PrizePix. And now with Team Picks, there's so many more opportunities to cash in if you make the right picks.

27:19Brian Redban:I even won my first pick. Oh, wow. Pick the winner straight up on Prize Picks. Back your takes with real money. Prize Picks has Team Picks here. In my state, I downloaded the app, and I've been picking winners, spreads, and totals ever since. Whether it's battles for playoff seating or tournament hoops, you can make all your picks right in the same Prize Picks app. Team picks are available now in 35 states, including California, Texas, Georgia, Washington, and more. It makes it super easy to pick game winners, spreads, and totals all on PrizePix. Download the PrizePix app today and pick your first game winner spread or total as the playoff push rolls on.

27:56And get$50 in daily fantasy lineups when you play your first$5 lineup. There's no doubt about it. When you use code TONY, that's the code. it's Tony to get$50 in daily fantasy lineups when you play your first$5 lineup.

28:11Joe White:PrizePixPredict is a registered FCM offering team picks and culture picks as event contracts. Trading involves significant risk, not for all. The content provided is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute investment advice. The recommendation to trade any commodity interest or an offer to open an account. KillToney is not registered with the CFTC or NFA. PrizePixPredict does not endorse or guarantee any statements made by third-party promoters or influencers. Please consult with a qualified professional before making any trading decisions. in a classroom of sodas most stay quiet then there's mr pib sweet cherry bold outburst the kind of flavor that gets attention bold kick of cherry hey yo mr pib ladies and gentlemen your next bucket pool goes by the name of vanessa scadudo everybody

28:56What is up, Austin? I'm an older broad, you know. It's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day, though, I'm reminded of it. The other day, I was driving down the road, and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? All of a sudden, I see the passenger. I can't bend over too far, sorry. Pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking roadhead, dude. I used to do that. before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me. He just doesn't know how to show it. What else? Ladies, titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing in an accordion, right?

29:36A shake weight, right? We're opening a pickle jar. Maybe I'll use my mouth if you're lucky. What else? Getting cummed in the face. That's not a facial, guys. It's not. I know in your time probably but what else why does it always smell like bleach? I'm waiting nobody's been able to dispel that mystery, but the one thing I know that never changes as I get older is The shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself. My name is Vanessa Scuduto. Thank you guys appreciate it

30:09Brian Redban:Vanessa Scuduto welcome Vanessa. What's up? How long have you been doing stand-up Vanessa? I I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long, so like seven plus years. I don't have an anniversary. Okay. Yeah, I know, right? That's a story of my life, too. Where have you been doing stand-up at? What hospice have you been doing? Jacksonville, Florida, believe it or not. Wow, okay. That's right. Give it up for Florida Comics. Fuck you guys, dude. We are fucking, we're the shit, dude. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Winning over the crowd with a classic fuck you guys. Yeah, I know.

30:43Really turning around the momentum. Sorry about that. After that set. Forgive me. So you've been doing it seven plus years. Do you get on stage a lot? I haven't in the last four weeks actually. I just moved to Austin. Oh, congrats. What made you move to Austin, Texas? Actually, I came here for my spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy, believe it or not. Oh, you're in a cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing. Tell us about this spiritual group. Yes, you were right. I knew you were going to, just like your parents and your siblings told you. Well, it's really just a community. It's not like we have a denomination.

31:17Ooh-wee! It sounds like they are weeks away from a mass suicide, ladies and gentlemen. It's just a community, everybody. It's just spiritual. Don't worry. We just all wear the same outfits. At least there's a record of this, right, if something happens? No, I mean, it's literally, you guys may have even heard my mentor. Her name's Sarah Reeves. She's been on the Night Owl podcast. Okay, a lot of name drops and whatnot.

31:40Brian Redban:Can you explain to us what it is? It's basically just a community of different practitioners, of different things. We just support each other and we develop our intuition. What type of practicinging do you do? What's your specialty? I can do a lot of things. I can do medium work. I can do... Ooh, this sounds exciting. What type of... I can do healing. You also do medium comedy. You ain't wrong, sir. You ain't wrong. Can we... Sign me up. Can we... Shout out to David Tell. I love it. The great bumping mics. Awesome. What are you, the tennis coach for those? You know what? I honestly didn't know I was going to be here tonight.

32:19Brian Redban:That happens. That's the risk we take signing up for a show. And I was told to just sign up. There you go. Who told you? Your master at the spiritual group? My buddy. You should have known you were getting pulled being a medium and all. Yeah. You didn't feel it in your instincts? I told them I was going to get called. I did. Amazing, amazing. Amazing how you psychics always guess it afterwards. We always know, right? Don't we always know? Amazing. I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew, but I didn't know. Oh, shit. Oh, a cigarette. That's a first. That's a first. You can't make fun of this. You see that?

32:50That cigarette just jumped out of my hand into a bucket of paper. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual group. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Holy shit. This show is on fire today. I just want to tell you guys, every one of you guys have abilities. That's it. I'm going to put that out there. All of you guys do.

33:11Brian Redban:Okay, so what kind of, let's flex this medium work right now. Oh, my God. Because we never get to do anything like that. This is not how it's done, but okay, I'll try. Well, it's true. She's a real master improviser. You are. I'm not, actually. I can't stand improv, so that's my fault. Okay. I know. I'm sorry, but it's. You're crushing it, right? You're doing great. I appreciate you. Everything is okay. So why don't you do some medium work for us? What can you tell us about anything in this room? Do you feel any energies? Kino, give me a spotlight. John Dees, give me a little medium music. Medium music, John.

33:42Here we go. I will tell you, there is something in the alley. And I think some of your doormen have seen something movement in the back.

33:50Brian Redban:Okay. Ask him. Okay, hold on. No sound effects during this part. Ask him. What do you mean, ask him if he's seen movement in the alley? The doormen have probably seen movement, like shadows and shit, in the back alley area. You felt a presence in the alleyway. Well, it's not necessarily a presence. It could just be residue. energy. Absolutely, there's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this room. No, no, I mean from the past. Stick with me again, John Dees, give me fucking media music. Okay. What the fuck is going on here? Dees, are you awake? You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers?

34:25Brian Redban:My super stoned fucking keyboard player? You made him fall asleep? That's incredible. I know. I'm sorry if I'm flashing my twat at any of you guys. I did not. Apology exception.

34:40Brian Redban:All right, here we go. Medium work with Vanessa Scadudo. Oh God. Okay. Tell us something. Do you feel anything from the energies out here in the audience? I know they look very unhappy right now. That looks like. No, I don't really sense anything okay great well amazing can you explain to us something that you've done before medium wise in which it was a breakthrough in which everyone was like wow you're so powerful i mean i have a daughter oh my god i mean that it's i mean pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful how about the medium stuff i mean i saw her before she was born i knew what she was going to look like i don't know what else to tell you does she have brown hair and brown No, no.

35:29No? No. You saw a blonde child. No, she is not blonde. It came out looking like Jeffrey Ross. Right, exactly. The nose was a little more smushed, but yes, her nose was a little more smushed when she came out. Aw, okay. Why was her nose smushed? From your vagina? Well, yeah, I guess I had a tight womb. Whoa. You're trying to push a... See, now that is something I wouldn't have guessed.

35:54Brian Redban:I would have guessed that medium is an extra large. Well, I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age. Okay. So my daughter's in her 20s now. Okay, cool. All right. Other than mediuming for the spiritual group, is there anything else before I let you go, Vanessa? For the spiritual group? Do you have any special powers or anything? Well, yeah. A lot of them, we can do healings and stuff. Liar! Wow. That's amazing. Thank you, Rebecca. What have you healed before exactly? Oh, like if somebody... I know. Dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this shit up. No, it's good. Vanessa, this is so entertaining.

36:31The last guy's the ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You're killing the interview part. Yeah, I'm sorry. You can heal almost anything. So it depends. Sometimes you can see. Well, I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have auras and shit. You can see when people's auras are broken. You can clear them for them. And you can remove certain energies. I mean, yeah. I don't know. I mean. Okay. Yeah. But is there anything you can cite, something that you've done? Like, have you ever, like, was there ever, like, a person? Yeah, my friend Scarlett, I helped heal her.

37:04She's an artist here, too, in Austin, if you guys want to check her.

37:07Brian Redban:Her, like, spirit was broken. You just keep name-dropping. No, she had a pain on her back, and I removed the pain from her back. Oh, my goodness. So you can do that. I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves, too. Wow, I love that. You all are mediums that have the power to heal. You do. You are divine beings. Remember that. Don't let this shit fucking tell you different. I love it. Absolutely. Vanessa. Love you, Tony. I'm sorry. I love you. You're nutty as hell. I love it. There she goes. Vanessa Scadudo. Very cool. Vanessa, you're a divine being. Yes. You're divine. Thank you. Thank you, Vanessa.

37:42Brian Redban:We love all different shapes and sizes. She was vulnerable. Yeah. Like I said, I love it. That's why I say it. So that the people watching the show that want to sign up at some point are good during the interview part. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael Hines, everybody. Put your hands together for Michael.

38:08I got cheated on by a Native American girl. She was a Navajo.

38:17I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feed lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal f*** doesn't mean I like conservative ones.

38:31And it's because they'll make one video make in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one they call themselves an Omega Sigma Alpha Male. And those are just pronouns for frat dudes, which is f***ing gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war, because they're fighting a physical war with Pakistan, World War Poo, are you familiar? Let's hope it doesn't go pucular, you know? Every trans woman I've ever met has been mentally ill, so maybe they are women.

39:14Brian Redban:Michael Hines. Oh, no one. Michael Hines with a strong dismount. Yes, sir. I love it. You've been on this show before. I remember you, Michael. Always funny. Yes, sir. Thank you very much. What have we talked about in your other interviews? Last time we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the Narbar. Oh, that's right. Yeah, torta. You don't know about this. It's a sandwich. In one way it is. It's also a very thick Latina girl. Oh, torta. Very thick. Got it. Heck yeah. Has that happened again since the last time? No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment. They won't let me sign my lease again.

39:59Oh, tell us about that. Well, my downstairs neighbor called the cops on me over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed. Wow. The cops came 200 times? To the leasing office. Apparently weed's legal for now, so. Ah, very interesting. But they won't let me stay. Wow. Wow. Do you ever run into this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically? Oh, yeah. All the time. Yeah. Are they mean to you? She used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other. Oh, great. Awesome. You love it. Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now. And you smoke indoors. You don't have a patio or anything like that.

40:40No, I blow it outside.

40:43Brian Redban:So you smoke indoors and you blow it outside. Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway, so might as well. Yeah. You like blow it out of a window? Mostly. So when is your lease up? 69 days from today, I'm counting. Wow, okay. And what are you going to do? Have you been looking? I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm like$18 ,000 in credit card debt, so maybe I'll go back to New Jersey for a little while. Wow, and how would you save up money in New Jersey exactly? What would the plan be there? I live near a vacation spot, so in the summertime I'd work there for a little bit, grind it out, and then probably get a worst job.

41:23What do you do for work in New Jersey? Well, nothing. I live in Texas. So the spot in New Jersey where is next to a vacation spot that's here?

41:33Brian Redban:What do you mean? Or in New Jersey? It's in New Jersey. So you just said you would go there, work, and grind it out? I would work at a bar or something. Oh, you have no idea. That's the answer. Yeah, no idea. No money. You're trying to make me look like an asshole. I was dialed in the entire... I have no idea what I'm going to do. You have no idea. How did you get exactly$18 ,000 in debt? You're a guy that knows that you have 69 days left on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on,$18 ,000 and some change in debt. Yeah, I had a DUI. Oh, wow. Tell us about that. It was when I first came out of the Marine Corps, like, three years ago.

42:07But since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for, like, two years. and then while I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with like$12 ,000 in bills and now there's interest in bullshit. So it's been like another two years. $12 ,000. Where was the DUI at? In Jersey? Yeah, in New Jersey. What part of New Jersey exactly? Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent. Long Beach Island. Oh man, you're going to jail. Jersey, Jersey. That's Jersey Shore, Jersey. Oh yeah. I knew the cops that arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with it. How'd you know them? I used to be an MMA instructor, and they were students in the class.

42:49Brian Redban:A couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind is the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA instructor. I used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started doing comedy. Okay. Shout out. Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly. Mostly eating at night, and this is a sad thing to do, man. When you're not on the other side of the microphone, this is a sad place to be a lot of the time. I don't know if you see, but Red Band's also on the other side of the microphone. He's also put on 35 pounds in the last three months. It seems like all your problems actually stem from smoking weed, by the way.

43:27It was an alcohol DUI. No, I mean from the weight in your neighbors, your apartment. Yeah, that's probably true. How much did you drink the night of your DUI? Did you hit something? No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o 'clock on a Saturday in the summertime in Long Beach Island. And it's a beach town. Remind me again. How did the cop know you again? I was an MMA instructor in the class. And you taught him? Well, I mostly taught the kids, but I helped out during the adult classes. And I used to joke, you could never arrest me if you wanted to because I could beat him up. And it turns out he could arrest me.

44:04Wow. He got me. Did you say anything to him when it was going down? Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put their knee on my neck, but you didn't see me complaining. Wow. They were scumbags, because they were trying to book me as fast as I can, because they said we got to get out there and get more people. They were fucking pieces of shit.

44:25Brian Redban:Well, no, you could have killed somebody. Well, it was just below the legal limit, or just above, rather. It was right there. So we kind of should be allowed. Right. I see. It's an arbitrary number. I was close to it. But you were smoking weed that night as well. No, I waited until I got home. I didn't want to get in more trouble. Right, you waited until you got home so you could blow it in the neighbor's vent. That is true, yeah. All right, Michael Hines. Anything else crazy we should know about before I get you out of here? No, not really. All right, perfect. Hell yeah. This really shows what people dedicate of their lives to be comedians.

45:02This fucking guy was an in-shape MMA instructor. Probably got tons of, you know, chicks and had a great life. But you're like, I have to express myself constantly. Yeah, I know. Come on, at least give me a big joke book. I did well. Didn't you get one last time? Yeah, but I wrote in it. I write all the time. You filled it up? Yeah, dude. You hear how much I write? All right. Jeez, here you go. This guy's going to sell it. Find that joke book on eBay in a couple weeks. This guy's 18 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the great Bonesai, available at killmerch.com. Howdy, Cal folk. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

45:42Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home, and you can even talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist. Unlike other telehealth companies, psychiatry is available through Talkspace, so you can get the medication you need to supplement your talk therapy if needed.

46:07Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a$0 copay. I'm going to let my man Red Band tell you why he loves Talkspace. Tony, I fancy me some Talkspace. They're providing some of the best mental health treatment out there, and therapy has led, for me, some real moments of transformation. I've really noticed it ever since you started using them. It's been amazing. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-E-80 to match with a licensed therapist.

46:44Today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. Right now, do it. Support the show. Hello. Oh, oh, oh. This podcast is sponsored by Indicloud. You know when some comedians bomb so hard the whole room goes silent? Getting a little buzz might be the only thing that makes that experience funny. And I'm not talking about beer or wine. And if you're settling in to watch the best live podcasts on the planet, Indicloud makes it even better. Indicloud is a fully legal online cannabis dispensary for gummies, exotic flour, premium pre-rolls, and zero-sugar THC sodas. Right, bam. Tony, I love Indicloud.

47:17It's the best online dispenser I've used. everything is federally legal hemp thc lab tested and shipped discreetly to your door and with 420 around the corner new customers can get 40 off all month long with indi cloud's biggest sale of the year i think he's using indi cloud right now if you're 21 or older go to indi cloud.co that's dot co not dot com and use code tony for 40 off your first order that's indi cloud.co code tony for 40 off all month long ship discreetly to your door plus free shipping on orders over$50 and$30 in free gifts on qualifying orders. And don't forget to fill out the quick survey when you order to support the show.

47:54Please enjoy responsibly. And big thanks to Indicloud for supporting your 420 Coded Comedy Nights. Please enjoy responsibly. All right, another bucket pool. Put your hands together for Katie Carter, everybody. Katie Carter.

48:10I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently, he was like, oh, was the guy like a real pedophile or did you just like develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile or were you like a really sexy kid? And I was, so you guys get it. I read a statistic that 20 % of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day to get a kid to come into your van and then you finally do and you have to be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, this never happens to me.

48:58Please don't tell your parents about this part specifically, this shit is humiliating. And the kid has to console you, he's like, no, this is probably just because you had like too much of the Eucharist or whatever, so.

49:12Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, right on the money Exactly a minute from Katie Carter Welcome to the show, Katie How long you been on stand-up? Two years Where at? Denver Nice, you still live there? Nope, just moved here Sweet, how long ago? Like three months Awesome, absolutely incredible Do you have like a day job or something? Just like dumb chick shit Nice Not only fans, I have like a marketing job But it's boring Comedy is the real goal Okay, very cool and you get on stage a lot around Austin? Yeah, I try to get like six and seven nights a week. Cool. Yeah. Amazing. What do you do like for hobbies and stuff? You know, more dumb chick shit, I guess.

49:51I just, yeah, like running and fucking jerking off, all that stuff, yeah.

49:55Brian Redban:I love that. Incredible. Redman, I thought you'd like that. Yeah. Give me some material for later. You're definitely doing the secret show on Thursday, so congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you, I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. it'll be great you'll be real surprised that's why i did the show i mean it's just incredible um jeff ross are we gonna i i liked it you know all your jokes were like connected like you weren't doing random you came up here with an act thanks hey yeah bar's low i appreciate it stayed on topic stayed in the pocket incredible katie uh what else is going on in life just moved here uh it's cool you guys have a different you have a pretty crazy homeless situation here it's a lot different than denver it's cool yeah it is it is a little again it's very concentrated like here yeah well it's different like in denver uh if someone like asks you like to get them something from a gas station you're like legally required by joe biden to do it you know but here you can just say no and fucking shoot them so it's awesome it is it is very awesome we take full advantage of that he's like there's only homeless people right here in this neighborhood, not in my 18th floor penthouse.

51:09Yeah, there's no... It's like, it's only in certain places. I do... Not in my hot tub.

51:16Brian Redban:Although there probably has been homeless people in your house. Hey, we have some wild nights here in Austin, no doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off every once in a while. The lovely Maggie, available at 5th and the alleyway between Nueces and Rio Grande. No, it kind of is though. I mean that. Like there's like a four or five blocks stretch. Pretty much the street. Yeah. And they know, you know, it's like the tourists. It's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in LA or all of New York City. You know what I mean? This is the worst plug for the mothership. Well, it is true. There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, like six years ago that built a homeless shelter right here on 6th Street, 7th Street, and wherever the creek and the cave is.

52:04So, like, kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs. There's just homeless people. And then there's homeless comedians, and there's comedians that have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation? You live by yourself? Uh, you just under an underpass on... No, I'm kidding. No, yeah, I live alone. It's super cool. Thinking about doing H here soon, so we'll see. Doing what? Heroin. Oh, nice. Very good. But you have like a normal girl setup. You have like that fluffy white plain comforter and like... You know, yeah.

52:35Brian Redban:Yep. Red Man's gonna think about it later. Oh, yeah. He's thinking about it right now. Oh, he's got something to say. Look at this. What kind of posters or paintings do you have on your walls? Posters. Yeah, they have posters. You can tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of 12-year-olds over here. You have My Little Pony. Yeah. Do you have any art? Do I have any art? Yeah. Do you have art hanging on your walls? You know, honestly, right now, no. It's kind of sociopathic, but so sorry. I can put up some Hello Kitty posters if you want, if that would help you finish or whatever. You just have one of those stand-up mirrors that you got off Amazon or something?

53:09Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. It keeps me going, you know? Perfect. Absolutely incredible. Jeffrey Ross. Tony has, uh... Tony has, like, Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house. I love that you think that Theodore Roosevelt quote is a tom brady quote because i get it the man in the arena but i tried to i wanted to make it funny it's inspiring it's very inspiring every few weeks every few months tony sends me the great theodore roosevelt poem the man in the arena it is true it is true inspiring it really is

53:49Brian Redban:do you ever have itachi oh my god red band you're not allowed to every time there's a pretty girl You're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong and it doesn't represent what the show is. Do you have a Adachi? Wait, what is that? Oh, it's nothing. It's a television brand. Anyway, Katie Carter. Will you tell me on the secret show later? What kind of car do you have? What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do you think I drive? Kia. Okay, you think I'm a pussy? That's fair. No, I drive a Honda Elantro. That was the next guess. That's basically slightly better than a Kia.

54:21Think I'm poor, Tony?

54:22Brian Redban:I mean, probably, yeah. Very likely Timmy no breaks jacket, but actually call me. They call me Timmy notes hits is my nickname around hell Yeah, that's unfortunate Katie. You are a true comedian. I see nothing but wild success in your future red band

54:42Pretend like you're thinking about it. Here's the secret show You did it! Awesome! Katie Carter! Awesome! You're a dirty boy, Brian Redman. You're a naughty, naughty, dirty boy. We have another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time to bring him out. He is incredible. You're gonna love him. He's blind. Put your hands up for Chris Celio, everybody. Here we go!

55:22Shit, is she even hot?

55:32I fucking can't wait for robot eyes, goddammit. I miss tits so much, dude. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's going to put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it Neuralink. But he says the first version of it is gonna look like old-school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want Pong pussy, you know? I'll wait for two Raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon that they were breaking and vandalizing Teslas.

56:15That's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Somebody will immediately spray paint Nazi piece of shit on it. That's fucked up. I'm not even gonna know. I'm just gonna drive around for two weeks like the happiest Nazi in the world. Like, this... This smiling skinhead piece of shit. Blaring Kanye West out my speakers like I didn't even know there was a problem, dude.

56:52Fuck yes. A true golden ticket winner, Chris Celio, has done it again. Another brand new minute. Amazing stuff, Chris. I notice an amazing, amazing quality of yours is you always have a great opening line that feels organic.

57:12Brian Redban:and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even hot with Heidi? I hope this is real, is what you said, your first appearance on the show, and immediately I fell in love with you, because obviously you could be anywhere, and it could be a bunch of people pranking you. And it's just so darn funny. For a guy that's blind, you hit it right on the nose every time. It is incredible, Chris. How's life going? It's going fucking good, man. Just did fucking mushrooms at South by Southwest and listen to bands. Wow. What were the visuals like? God, I wish, dude. Give me one color.

57:59I would love anything right now, dude. It's as black as D.

58:05Brian Redban:Yeah. Incredible. Amazing. Amazing. So what was the band? What, you took mushrooms and you saw, or heard what? We just, yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah. Yeah, no, I, we just popped around random spots. Like I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen, dude. Yeah. Don't know their name at all. Amazing. Amazing. That was at a festival, would you say? South by Southwest. Okay. Just like random bars around town. It was cool. Very cool. Very cool. A lady just was dancing with me and just was like, here, I'll put you in a better spot, and then just put me right next to a speaker and almost killed me.

58:53I was like, holy shit, you're going to ruin my life, dude. Amazing.

58:58Brian Redban:I can't handle that. Amazing, Chris. Tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living in.

59:13Or anything at all. I mean, it doesn't have to be about being blind. No, no. It's good. It's a lot of fun. I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there. And then she started trying to take off my sunglasses. Oh, shit. And I was like, no, no, no. Right. You don't want to see those on the drugs you're on. Yeah.

59:41These are bad vibe eyes, you know? Amazing. Chris, how do you know when you're done wiping? God damn it, dude. God damn it, Redban. Our senior wiping correspondent, Brian Redban, asking the tough questions here today. Give me a bidet sponsorship, all right?

1:00:02It is a tough question. Are me and D-Madness going to do a ladders match at WrestleMania? That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, do you ever go on dates or anything like that? No, I don't. It's hard. It's hard meeting girls. The apps are just like, picture, picture, picture.

1:00:30Yeah.

1:00:34It'll, like, read me their bios. Girls' bios suck. It's, like, Puerto Rican flag, Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed. You know?

1:00:49Wow. Only when I, like, bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, it was... Amazing. And remind us, how long have you been blind? It's been like 10 years now. Yeah. You had like easily detachable retinas. Super easily detachable retinas. And it kind of happened before, and then it went all the way off. Yeah, yeah. I had like one eye that like they had to remove because I just had like four retinal detachments and like a ton of like super painful surgeries. But you did see for a while. 18. So I was 18. Wow. So even when you take drugs now, like you did at the festival, say, you really don't see anything?

1:01:27Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination is shit. Is now dumber. What?

1:01:32Brian Redban:What the fuck was that, dude? I don't know what that was. That was not Red Band. That wasn't Red Band. That was a John D's key. He's over there. So, okay, so there's no visuals, but you do have just, you only have your memory before 18. Yeah, yeah. Like I can still see in my dreams, you know? Ah, that's interesting. Yeah. But it's all shit I saw before I went blind. Right. So it's like every night, my dreams are the world's shittiest 90s sitcom. Like blind meets world. Or like fresh prints of blindness. That one's weird. I'm black. Can you take us through... Can you, for example, just like take us through like the most recent dream?

1:02:17Doesn't have to necessarily be funny, but then everything. a 90s sitcom, what is the most recent dream that you remember? I'll have stand-up dreams about doing comedy, and every time it'll just be me doing comedy, and then I think back when I wake up, and I'm like, that was my lunchroom. Whoa, you hear that? It really is a 90s sitcom. It didn't work as good as I thought it would. Yeah, I'll just be running away from monsters, and it's just a hallway that I knew from fucking 10 years ago. Damn, that's incredible, Chris Alright, well Anything else crazy we should know about Before we let you go, Chris?

1:02:56No, thank you guys so much, you guys rule, dude Thank you so much Chris Delio, you are the fucking man Hold on, yeah, sorry Fucking Jeff Ross is here, hold on, dude I didn't even get to talk to Jeff Ross

1:03:07Brian Redban:Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Ross What's he hiding from me? Why is he hiding from me? Right here Jeff Ross, you look like a The one guy who can't roast me. I love this. No, dude, you sound like a Sesame Street Semite.

1:03:26I think I get it. Chris, what's your last name? Cilio. I'm going to remember you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like 10 years. So about the time this happened to you, you decided I need to channel it into something artistic. Yeah, yeah. I was like figuring out what I want to do. Like, I was, like, first semester of college when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcasts, and I was like, I always wanted to be a stand-up, and I was like, this seems like something I could do with minimal effort.

1:03:59You know? Yeah. Just me and a microphone seems like a perfect amount of work for me. You know? Yeah. But you came out, your minute was, like, killer. That wasn't the first time you did that minute. It was the first time you did it here. You've been working. I can feel that and I think you're a really good joke writer thank you so much and I was wondering what color your shirt is god damn it dude a test will always fail you are awesome give it up for Chris Chris Celia ladies and gentlemen a true golden ticket winner has done it again absolutely incredible

1:04:41Joe White:Don't let tax refund worries hold you back. File now with TurboTax on Intuit Credit Karma. They'll find every credit and deduction to help you get every refund dollar you deserve or your money back. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. Pros. Just because something on the job runs out doesn't mean you have to. Order it on the Lowe's app. My Lowe's Pro Rewards members get free same-day delivery on eligible orders over$25. Get the fasteners, hardware, or tools you need to keep the job moving. Order by 2 p.m. and get eligible in-stock items delivered right to your job site by 8 p.m. Members get more at Lowe's.

1:05:20Joe White:Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Subject to availability. Restrictions and terms at lowes.com slash shipping terms. Subject to change. You guys having fun out there? If anybody wants to dry paintbrush his autograph, he's going to the restroom right now. The lucky hallway has a chance. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everybody. We're going to keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott. Here he is.

1:05:51I got a Roomba recently. He's black. He cleans my house. It's a sweet deal. What is the black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives? Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I push clean on him, and he goes up and down the halls. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

1:06:21Master, keep my batteries charged. The other day, I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby. I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over. I'm like, watch your feet. Kunta's trying to get by. So the other day, I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall, and he's cleaning. And he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea. I get up, and I go, the hell you will. Nobody said you could take a break. So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died. And when he died, I bought a new one at an auction for three-fifths the price of one of those black ones.

1:07:07Wow, Michael, stop pushing it to the limit of time with an incredibly racist set that only you could do.

1:07:17Brian Redban:Only me. Amazing. You can get away with it. Yeah. Incredible. Remind us all, Michael, how long you been on stand-up? Nine years, four months. Nine years and four months. Amazing. And most of that here in Austin. No. Bakersfield, California, a little bit in Fresno. I moved here December 30th of 23. Okay. Awesome. What do you do for a day job? I got fired from one, but I still have a valet job. You're working valet, too? This is the official show of valet drivers. I've gotten a lot of comics hired, like quite a few. Okay. You called Aaron McPherson earlier. He didn't get up here in time. I got him a job there.

1:08:02But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after, and I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron. Yeah, I pulled names out of them. Yeah, no, it was like, yeah, I know it wasn't you. And I don't know what happened to him. I didn't actually call him. I hand off the piece of paper, and if they're not like where they're supposed to be or whatever, then I have to pull another name.

1:08:18Brian Redban:I know. It's not like rocket science or anything crazy. I know there's a lot of conspiracies about this bucket, but it's just pieces of paper. Oh, there's D-Madness, everybody. Peek-a-boo! Your Roomba just came back.

1:08:37Brian Redban:So, Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on? Your Roomba plays a hell of a bass. I got it, Todd. It is absolutely incredible. Did somebody tell him I was black backstage and then he came? Oh, I got to make it back for this one. Yeah, I don't know. What's going on in life, Michael? In life, yeah. You have a girlfriend? No. When's the last time you went on a date? Let's say three months, maybe. What happened there? Not great. Just, I mean, it was all right. You met her online or something like that on a dating site? No, just at a show. Just met her, hung out, got messed up.

1:09:17You had drinks? Yeah. And then what? You went back to your place? And then what happened? Uh, the fuck there, the... Oh, wow.

1:09:25Brian Redban:What a romantic... What a romantic man. Straight to insertion. Yes. I was already unbuckling as we were driving now. Amazing. Amazing. And then you never talked to her again after that? No. Why is that exactly? Um, I don't know. It's... just wasn't feeling it. Just a white girl? Yeah. Okay. What gave it away? It could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would fuck whoever would want to fuck you. Am I correct? I think he's right. Yeah. Amazing stuff. And you met her at just a regular open mic. Shakespeare. And she came up to you afterwards and was like, what's up?

1:10:06Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I've been kind of, I don't know. I've been doing comedy, and then people come up to me and tell me, talk to me afterwards. So just lately I'd usually talk to nobody. I just do my thing and leave. Now I'm trying to hang out and make friends. And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's. I was drunk before, but at Shakespeare's and other places I walked around. Okay, very cool. All right, Michael, what kind of car do you drive? 2019 Chevy Equinox. Nice. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator? A salmon. A girl he fucked three months ago.

1:10:53Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, she's thawing out right now. Michael, let me ask you a question that I asked another valet driver earlier. What's the weirdest thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were valeting at the time? Guns, condoms. Not in the same car, that's for sure No, it's different Nobody with guns is using condoms No way, Jose That would be absolutely contradictory to life itself One person parked their car overnight And they had a German Shepherd That they left in the car, in a crate, in the bed, strapped down He'd come out maybe every four hours and check on it But it stayed, yeah, and it was the winter, too I was very upset about that.

1:11:44Was it like a Tesla that had dog mode on or anything like that? No, it was like a Dodge Ram truck. It was a German Shepherd. Perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust.

1:11:56Brian Redban:Because it was a German Shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car in a torturous situation. Perhaps it was revenge for the Holocaust. Not still not getting the laugh I think it deserves. Can't really plan to do a joke like that. it has to just be served up in the air and you only have one chance at it. I guess that was my chance and it's yet still not really connecting the way that I was hoping it was because it was because the Jews were held captive by the Germans in very tight quarters, very tough situation.

1:12:32You said it was during the winter time? Oh yeah. Really doesn't get much more spot on than that. Thank you. There it is. There it is, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. We only get to laugh at good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going pee, so...

1:12:49Brian Redban:That was our one chance. I'm kidding. Michael Scott, fun times. Yeah, you know, tremendously racist set. That's why you're leaving here with a big joke book. Michael, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show, brother. Thank you, Ray. Thank you, Tony. Bam, bam!

1:13:10Brian Redban:There he goes, Michael Scott. We're having a good old time here tonight. There he is. I knew it. We're right on time. I didn't want you to miss this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, your next set, your next bucket pool, goes by the name of Eric Biggs, everybody. We're going to watch them all together.

1:13:35What's going on, Austin? I thank too many people in this town, especially men, go to counseling. I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern, I don't believe in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. All right? You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your friends. So, because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that, I do think I'm going to start the Midwestern Counseling Service. is how I'm going to go and reinvent counseling. What it's going to be is you're going to come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car.

1:14:15It's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac. That's illegal, all right, guys? That's what freedom is all about. And then we're just going to talk and get drunk all night long, have a good time. And maybe as the night goes, you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life. Then you'll look me in the eyes and be like, yeah, it got hard when Dad died. I'll look you dead in the eyes, I'll turn up the radio and say, shut up, pussy, and we'll move on. All right, I've been Eric Biggs. Okay. Is it okay if I go to the bathroom again?

1:14:59Brian Redban:That's fair, that's fair.

1:15:05Brian Redban:Eric Biggs, I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies. Yeah, yeah. It was a problem. I kept trying. He said no. Wow. Eric, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Six years of attempting, Tony. God damn. Six years. What happened here? That's just a new minute, a tough minute? Yeah, I don't know. It's been kind of working. I've been trying it around, but it did not work. It did not work. Six years where at? Mostly Missouri. I started off in Columbia, Missouri. And then where else have you been? Been here ever since then. Been down here about three years. Three years. Okay, here's what I'm going to do, because Eric, I'm telling you, I see it in you, dude.

1:15:47Look at you. You're built like a snowman. I am. You are just, you have a beautiful round head. You have a round body. He's built like a snow globe. Except for I'd never have a carrot in my mouth, all right?

1:15:59Brian Redban:I think they don't have it in there. That's their nose. That's our nose there. I love your, like, super confidence with no talent at all. It's like amazing. That's what the Midwest is all about. It's beautiful. I love it. Yeah. What do you do for a living, Eric? I'm an insurance salesman. It's the only thing that can be worse than sucking at comedy, you know? Yeah. You do this, you do that all day, and you go, you know what? I can eat shit on stage in front of people. That can't be any worse. I just think that Pontiac thing, for some reason, Did you write that in Missouri? No, I wrote that down here.

1:16:35Fuck. Sorry. I'm really... Sorry, he gave me an out. He said, take it. I'm still, and I might be wrong, but fuck, Eric. There's something behind those eyes. I think you can do better than that.

1:16:50Brian Redban:I'm going to give you one more minute, do a totally different minute. You got it, right? You've been doing this six years. You must have a second minute. Whatever you think your best minute is, because I'm positive this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now. No, it's better than where this was going. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. What are some topics? Yeah, what are some... What are your bits and we'll tell you. What are your... I got some stuff about marriage. I don't know... Have you been married? Yes, sir. I'm married right now. You know what? Just run...

1:17:18Just get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time. We're gonna start the clock. Thank you. One minute from Eric Biggs, everybody. Yeah, I just celebrated my one-year wedding anniversary. Yes, it's very nice. It's nice knowing you can still trick white women into making bad decisions. Like, my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said, our lower credit score sounds great. Who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it? That sounds fun, you know? The worst part about it is, is I got married young, so you get a lot of bad advice whenever you get married young. Like, have you ever just been about to black out at a bar?

1:17:59You just have some old guy sit next to you and he goes, don't do it. Don't get fucking married. She'll fucking take everything. You just got to look at him and go, I live in a trailer. I have nothing. Nothing can be taken. You can't split shit in half. Okay. Perfect. It was better. That was better than your first minute. Makes me wonder if I gave you another minute, if that would be better than that minute. So you live in a trailer? No, sir. Did you in Missouri? No, no. My parents were way too successful for my life to have turned out this way. Wow. Incredible. What do your parents do for work?

1:18:38IT and a school teacher. Middle school. Amazing. Amazing. And what do they think about you attempting stand-up comedy? Oh, they wish I made different decisions. Do they like that you're an insurance salesman? Yeah, yeah. My mom every time goes, it's okay, you can back out. None of them know you do this. It's okay. Hell yeah. All right. And so, what else about you, Eric? What would we find interesting about your entire life? Because you're not really white trash, but you're from Missouri. You're kind of like a... You have an American Pie kind of family. Yeah, yeah. But yet you kind of dress like Jelly Roll.

1:19:16Well, yeah. Yeah, this is what happens whenever you go to a Bass Pro and go, yeah, that looks classy, you know? Yeah, yeah. A$35 t-shirt will look cool on stage, you know? Yeah, you know you could buy a pair of overalls at the same price? Well. I didn't know that until tonight. What was it, Jay and Silent Blob? Yeah. Yeah. So what else about your life? You ever have anything crazy happen? You good at any, you have any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that, like, wins at, like, a vape competition or something. Oh, no, no. I smoke cigarettes like an adult. I would never vape.

1:19:53What am I, a coward pussy? No, I don't know. I think I got into comedy. Like, you know, because usually everyone comes from, like, a broken home or your dad beat the shit out of you or whatever. I didn't have that. I had a very normal family. I even had, like, my brother, very cool, very supportive. I think that he saw I wanted to be a comedian, so he decided, you know, I'm going to give this kid some trauma, so he died in a drunk driving accident to just really get me going.

1:20:19Brian Redban:Party time. We all love a dead brother drunk driving story. A lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight. A reminder, we do not endorse that in the Kill Tony universe. Do not drink and drive. Absolutely. All right.

1:20:37Do you eat and drive? Yeah. Seems it would be equally as dangerous. It's a problem. I'm about blacked out a couple times. See the Pete Terry lights and you're like, I gotta go. I'm on my way home. Alright Eric, we're gonna keep it moving. Fun times. Sign up again. Keep writing. Prove your parents wrong. And maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't try to squeeze it all in. Take your time so that people understand you and stuff. You speak perfect English, but you talk a little fast and words get together and then... You know what I mean? Take your time a little bit. You're right. That's good advice.

1:21:14And also, I like that he reset and did a whole other minute.

1:21:18Brian Redban:Yeah. You did it. Good. Yeah. That was good. Eric Biggs. All right. K-pop Demon Hunter's Saja Boys Breakfast Meal and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja Boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

1:21:39Joe White:It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really. Stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side. Participate in McDonald's while supplies last.

1:22:14Joe White:enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

1:22:21Brian Redban:Oh my goodness, this is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, I mean, I grew up in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the comedy store. He's been a paid regular at the comedy store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very cerebral palsy. episode of Kill Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the Comedy Store, now lives in Austin, one of the funniest people out there. Make some noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester, make some noise for my pal Davey. Yeah, you guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy, people.

1:23:03You've never had it blended together, you fucking cocksuckers.

1:23:10Some of you assholes are going to ask me how to spell it, but I don't know about cerebral palsy so I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is cerebral palsy? I'll tell you it's superpowers and large, tallywhacker, cocksucker, that's... People, you know, like, when people ask me how to spell it, because everybody's inquisitive as fuck, does it look like I ever want a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school, we had lawn mowing as a course, fucking dickhead, because they knew I was gonna fucking go to court sometime in my life.

1:23:45I don't know, man. Like, some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone pole. As you go to work, you're like, man, I got six days of PTO, and I could just take this fucking light pole right now. If I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health, fuck him. Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going. Yeah, I'm gonna keep going. Just keep going. You know how you know it's a shitty job? when they tell you it's like your family.

1:24:20I avoid my family. My uncle is King Tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday. All right? If you ever talk to my uncle with a Batman RV and you'd be like, hey, Dave, why don't you get your life together? He'll tell you he's fighting capitalism. And I think Batman lost it because he's fucking homeless. That's just... Do you want me to do some more time? Yeah.

1:24:53I don't know, man. Where I grew up, people didn't really know I had cerebral palsy because I'm from a town where people watch Parallel Parkin'. And, yeah. Yeah. That's... I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had cerebral palsy until she came to a comedy show. She goes, Davey, I didn't know you had cerebral palsy. I was like, Shannon, what do you think I had? She goes, I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough. That's...

1:25:29Davey, you killed tonight, man.

1:25:31Brian Redban:You killed tonight. Oh, my God. What's up, boys? I love it. See ya, my man. Good to see ya. This is what I love about this show, is that sometimes you pull out someone that's... A real white trash, like the fucking asshole that fucking went to Bass Pro. But... I heard that little fucking didn't he? I wanted to fight him, Tony. I... Don't take my 77 Fleetwood away from me, you son of a bitch. Like... I feel like cerebral palsy is, like, number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like... Yeah. It's not even a... Yeah, I mean... The least of it, right? Yeah. There's a lot of fucked up shit about me right now.

1:26:21That's why I'm on probation right now. You are? Yeah. Well, so... I decided to get... I was up in Minnesota, and I went to go sit in my car because I was a little drunk, and then I had nine cops arrest me. And when you're getting arrested, Jeff, don't have the fuck it button in your head because I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket, and I decided I was going to eat them right in front of the fucking cop. If I'm going to detox, I'm going in there high. That's... Might as well enjoy it. Yeah. This is a master class with Davey Wester. I love Davey. You have your buttons mismatched. Oh, yeah.

1:27:05That is incredible. Why don't you go fuck your AI robot?

1:27:17Be nice. She's Korean, you racist. Yeah, yeah. Can you get me two golden tickets? Because Ari Matty, if I get that, he'll take me to the wellness clinic and fucking help me out. Like, I won't have cerebral palsy anymore. I'd just be a downsy son of a bitch. I don't think there's enough stem cells in the world to balance you out, baby. No, I get you, I get you. I like seeing blind people. I don't trust you, but...

1:27:52Brian Redban:Davey, you are on fire. what I love I mean I love Davey Wester I mean this guy was one of the door guys at the comedy store when I got there it was they had crippled people do yeah exactly it's a testament to the times this comedy store in 2007 was a dark dark place with a lot of a very pessimistic negative people and you were roommates with a lot of them and you fucking oh please don't like yeah oh you want to talk about coke head okay like I mean the crew was absolutely insane that you lived with and meanwhile you were always funny somehow you were almost always positive and optimistic in a very very dark time and it meant the world to me and the guys that I started with that were in our extremely early 20s starting out there we always looked up to believe it or not we looked up to Davey.

1:28:52That's a sad state of affairs when I'm a fucking hero.

1:28:59Brian Redban:But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving. You got out of LA and you've like kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Texas. Well, me and Holtzman went to a rodeo. Oh my God. Can you imagine? Even if there weren't bulls there. I would go to the rodeo just to see what you and Holtzman were doing together. What could go wrong? That's like OJ and Cosby sharing a cell together.

1:29:35Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought my apartment was this abortion clinic. Because that's what, and then he, I don't know. It was just crazy. Holtzman bought a bunch of shit, yelled at me a bunch. He told me He yelled at me for not having a handicap placard that I carry around. He thought he was going to get good parking. Yeah. That's why he brought you. Oh, my God. Bring it. Everywhere we went, he goes, I have a handicap. I have a handicap.

1:30:10I have a handicap. Oh, my God.

1:30:15Brian Redban:Oh, my God. I almost fainted just then. Oh, God. I really picked you're not tell these people. It's just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding. No, there's all these stories are true. You can you can look it up. Go to the Fright of Washington and you'll be like, oh, this is the what they look like. Just so you understand, Drew Mickens is from my area, too. Yeah. Yes, that is true. Anytime I see somebody, then I've blown a few people's minds like this. I'll be like, where are you from? They're like, the state of Washington. And I notice if their eyes are ever not aligned, like if they have one eye here and one eye there, I'll be like, you're from near Euphrates.

1:30:56And they're like, how do you know that? It always blows their minds. But they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington. Yeah, you just have to, like, you have to understand there's a nuclear plant, okay?

1:31:10Brian Redban:Yeah. I love it, Davey. I mean, you are just one of my favorite types of stories because, you know, you're not an actor, you're not a writer, you're not a this, you're not a sketch, you're not trying all these things. You're a fucking pure stand-up comedian, the kind of guy that I just love to drink with and hang out with and whatever, you know what I mean? Eat mushrooms? Well, maybe. I don't think I could eat mushrooms with you, Davey. I kind of, I'm very, I'm highly sensitive already.

1:31:46The buttons thing alone would fuck me up the entire time. You know what? I've tried my buttons. First thing I would do is I'd be like, Davey, get over here. Let me fix this for you. Take off his clothes. I got a pair of overalls. It was very cheap. No, I tried the overall thing. That didn't really work out for me. What happened? Well, yeah, when you don't button those correctly, everything comes out. Yeah, and I'm fine with that.

1:32:12Brian Redban:Davey, if you're in town, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. You are the fucking man, Davey Wester, and now the world knows about it. So cool that you signed up for this show. Amazing. What an honor that you signed up for my crazy show. One more time for Davey Wester, everybody. He's been doing comedy, like, at least 20 years. One of the first people I ever met in L.A. He's the man. He's the man. The original, the original fucking cerebral palsy fucking super powerful comedian. Like Cleanser Heidi's. Yeah, the sage of the room to get your penises out from inside of you after staring at Davey Weston for ten minutes.

1:32:50Here's the lovely Heidi here to reset your testosterone levels, everybody.

1:32:55Brian Redban:Go to HeidiRegina.com. It's all good. Oh, you got it? Okay. There's a 50-50 shot at it. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody? All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Victoria Lang. Victoria Lang, our third female of the night.

1:33:22So I'm a pole dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper. And I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name, like Miss Honey Bun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm dense, and after a couple bites, I really taste like nickels. It's like a cup holder of loose change. Yeah. I, uh, I have a boyfriend, and he's a little bit of a freak, so he likes it. He's into this thing, it's called sounding. It's when you, uh, shove something in your dick. Yeah, at first I was like, uh, too. I was like, uh. But he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this. It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime.

1:34:06You know how they go, in the fucking fan? It's so beautiful. I've been calling him Urethra Franklin. And our relationship's been great. Our relationship's been great ever since. Thank you. All right, 55 seconds from Victoria Lang. Welcome to the show, Victoria. Thank you. This is your first time on, correct? It is. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I'm from Connecticut slash New York. I do a lot of comedy over there. Okay, what part of Connecticut exactly? Like Hartford County. Okay. Yeah. There's a fun fact about Connecticut. Well, it is literally a freeway.

1:34:44The state is a freeway. There's a very, very, very extremely fancy part, Greenwich and around there, where of course like, you know, the McMahons live and the WWE started. And then there's where you're from. Right, yeah, not over there. Yeah. Tell us what it's like growing up in the hood of Connecticut. It's like, it's the shit. It's got a lot of stuff going on over there. I mean, it's, I would say we have the best comedy, I think, in that part of Connecticut, you know? Oh, in Connecticut you have the best part of, you have the best comedy in Connecticut. In that part, you know, because they're all kind of pieces of shit like me.

1:35:22Yeah, so they get me more. Right. Wouldn't you call yourself a piece of shit? What do you mean? What are some shitty things about Victoria Lang? Give us the dirt. Some shitty things about me? Other than your nickel pussy. Yeah. I would say that one's pretty standout. That one's pretty standout. I'm kind of like a little bit of a hater, self-admittedly. And I say a lot of things and I regret it immediately. I go, I regret that. When you, are you talking about like online or just like? No, in person. I'll be like, oh, that person's a fucking asshole. And then I go, oh, why did I say that type of thing?

1:35:55Wow. Yeah. Has that ever backfired on you? Yeah, everybody hates me. I'm like, Connecticut's most hated, so that's what happens. Wow, incredible. But your boyfriend likes you. He loves me. How long have you been with him? I've been with him for two years, and he's a comedian as well, so he gets it. You guys live here now? No, we're just visiting. Okay. Did he sign up as well? Yes. Okay, we'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer. How long have you been pole dancing for? I've been pole dancing. You know, I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy, to put it that way. Okay.

1:36:28Yeah.

1:36:28Brian Redban:All right. So you fall a lot. Yeah, I'm falling. Yeah, yeah. But you make it to the top of the pole and the bottom of the pole? Yeah, sometimes. Because you're bipolar. Right. Do you ever straddle the microphone stand? I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do kind of something like that. But I think I got, Tony made me nervous. No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't be nervous around me. What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself? That's correct. Victoria, do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Yes, I make comedy music. That's, I would say, my forte.

1:37:06Okay, that's your specialty. Yeah. Do you have, like, a song in your head that you've written that's original to you? Yeah, I do. Okay, what's it about? So I have a couple. I have one about storming the Capitol. Let's just do one. Okay. Okay. Take it slow. You have one about storming the Capitol? Yeah, and I have another one that I really love about dating while living at your parents house. Which one do you think is the funniest? The one about dating and living at your parents house. Do you know what chord progression that is? Is that a DGAC? DGAC? It goes like this.

1:37:40Something like that. Okay. I feel like if you play me kind of like a beat, I can follow it type of thing. Yeah, they got you. Yeah. What's the beat that you like? Boom. It was like this. Boom.

1:37:54Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Victoria Lange, everybody. Here we go. Give her a spotlight keynote. Thank you. All right, here we go. I woke up today in the pink room, in the pink room that I grew up in. My mom takes out the trash like she always does. I, I checked my phone I got a text The text is from my mom Even though she just left It says at least one of us is getting some Oh my god, my mom saw the condom in the trash But that's what happens when you're living at your mom's house Pick it up There is a feeling you can't hide When your mom seen your boyfriend white inside But there's really nothing I can do When our economy is in the tubes And maybe one day we'll live in a studio apartment But until then it'll be us And also my mom, cause this is her house I woke up today in the blue room In the blue room that I grew up in My mom wakes me up for work like she always does I usually text when I have a girl over But last night was different, I guess My mom walks in to see my dick getting sucked Like me and my mom, we're close but not that much And now she's caught me with my balls out Chorus, there is a feeling you can't hide When your mom seen your dick's receding hairline But there's really nothing I can do Unless I shoot a CEO or something pills And maybe one day we'll live in a trailer park Or something great But until that day It'll be us and also our moms And let's not forget about my stepdad Sometimes when we're getting into med Not me and my stepdad I can hear him farting through the walls Cause I share it with my bathroom Same wall Please don't look at the stain My 20 year old cat died My senior year of high school It's not that noticeable Unless you look at it Gotta walk by really fast There are some sounds you cannot hide Even when the TV volume's real high My whole family hears Young Sheldon and you That's how they all know I'm getting screwed And yes, I said Young Sheldon I know that might be inappropriate But it gets me hot So fight me outside Bazinga bitch.

1:41:12That's the end of my song!

1:41:18Wow! Yeah! I got it! Wow! My mind is blown.

1:41:28Great man looking to see it too, getting booked in the secret show. Wow! Victoria Lang! I gotta tell ya I did not see that coming That was actually like a good song Not a comedy song That was just a good song Yeah it was an actually good song

1:41:48Brian Redban:Thank you I wrote it That's amazing And I love how you directed the band I mean this is that type of band That if you give them a thing They are right there They feel the energies And just roll with it And you I've never actually seen anyone Conduct them So perfectly I have that lighter They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible. You're so ADD. You're talking about a lighter That's on the table right now. It's incredible Absolutely amazing Victoria comedy music is definitely your thing. Thank you. Yeah

1:42:26Brian Redban:You have more stuff available online or something where can people find you at at Victoria does comedy there you go only fans also I used to have a Playboy account, but they took me offline because I wasn't making enough money. That happens. That happens, Victoria. When all you can do is sing, that happens. But you are very talented. You really got lost in it when you were sitting down. I was so impressed. When you're commanding the band, it's like a fucking, it's like a real, real treat to see somebody come in and start kind of shy. And exactly, Jeff just said showmanship. I mean, you really came out, you know what I mean?

1:43:04and that was incredible. Congratulations. Victoria Lang.

1:43:08Brian Redban:The set was... Okay, but after that amazing performance, you're leaving here with a big joke book. Here you go. Thank you so much. All right, there you go. Sure. Do I leave now? What? What do I say? You're gone. Oh. What the fuck? Thank you.

1:43:31Anything can happen here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a show filled with magic sometimes. Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Eric McLaughlin, everybody.

1:43:56I was at the airport yesterday.

1:44:03I was thinking, you could just point at anybody in here and yell, that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, right?

1:44:20They got to put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably going to put a finger in you after, because you said that. Which could be fun, like, if you're into that. That's, like, your thing. You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now, you know? I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fuckin' check my ass. Can you imagine you do that all the time, and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass? And then TSA is like, holy shit, that guy was gonna blow up the plane. 200 lives saved because of you you're a fucking hero and you'd be sitting there like fuck I don't think he's gonna check my ass

1:45:16what's that from beginning to end Eric McLaughlin hello welcome my friend very

1:45:23Brian Redban:Very funny. How long have you been on stand-up? About a year and a half. Wow, incredible. Where at? Here, I'm a local. Born and raised in Austin? Well, no. I've been on the show before. I moved here when I was like 12. Wait, what? I moved here when I was 12 years old. Oh, got it. Yeah, sorry. I thought you said you were on the show when you were 12. No. No, not that. Amazing, amazing. Okay, where were you at before you were 12? I was in California. Okay. Yeah, San Jose. Nice. How old are you now? I'm 32. 32. Okay. What do you do for work? I, well, I sell mortgages, kind of. All right. What do you mean kind of?

1:46:07Well, I mean, I'm not very good at it, so I've been doing, like, TikTok and Facebook and, like, content creation kind of lately. How's that going? Good? Is that profitable? Yeah, it's good. I mean, you know, it's okay. Yeah, it's fun. It's good. I enjoy it. Cool. What else do you do content creation-wise? I do movie reviews mostly right now. It's kind of like a big thing. Nice. Yeah. Can I have a cigarette?

1:46:33Brian Redban:Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? I'm not going to give you a lighter, but you can have a cigarette. No, I'm kidding. What's a movie you've seen lately that was good? I watched Batman Begins last night. It's great. I mean, that's a 19, what is that, 91, 93? No, it was 2005 with... What? Batman Begins? Christian Bale. Batman Begins, 2005. Am I losing? Maybe it's like a fucking... I mean, I saw it last night. Berenstein Bears thing? Look it up for me. I thought Batman Begins was the Tim Burton one, but maybe that's just Batman, huh? Batman Begins. Yeah, I guess so. Batman Begins. Oh, yeah, there it is, 2005.

1:47:16Okay, well, what did you think about the 2005 classic Batman Begins?

1:47:22Brian Redban:The unforgettable Batman Begins, often confused for Danny DeVito as the penguin. It's good. It's pretty good. What a review. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah, yeah. I saw one very recently called Heel. You want to see a crazy movie called... Go see Heel. H-E-E-L on Amazon. Heel? Is that a new movie? It is a new movie. It's about a guy who gets trashed, really, really big party boy, and he gets taken hostage, put in somebody's basement, and I won't give anything else away, but it's a very interesting movie. Interesting. That's cool. Yeah, put it on the list. I recommend Flo. There's not one word in the whole entire movie.

1:48:11Flo? Do you like any of the Oscar picks? Marty Supreme?

1:48:15Brian Redban:No, that's all fucking absolute dog shit. Oh, really? Beyond all dog shit. We're not, yeah, we don't play that. Yeah, we can move on. But I will give one more. For those of you that can handle subtitles, I know that's not a lot of the Kill Tony fan base, but if you can, check out a movie on Amazon called The Coffee Table if you want your heart to beat out of your fucking chest. Oh, there's one person that knows about it out there, one real fucking freak out there. Yeah, all right. It's a crazy movie. Got to watch that one. Coffee Table? Yeah, The Coffee Table. Okay, yeah, that's on the list, yeah.

1:48:48Brian Redban:Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. What is your favorite movie that you've seen that you've reviewed that blew your mind? A newer movie. Oh.

1:48:58To be honest, I feel like new movies kind of suck. I saw Cast Away the other day. That was just amazing. Unbelievable. Any day you're gonna make it to fucking Pulp Fiction or Forrest Gump or Shawshank Redemption. Yeah, those are good too. Jesus Christ. What made you watch Castaway out of nowhere? Um, it was on Netflix. Red Band pointed out a good one while we're in fucking movie mode for the first time in our 13 year history, because we did have this conversation. I avoided Demi Moore's The Substance because I thought it would automatically be a chick

1:49:32Brian Redban:flick because it's just Demi Moore's face and all the promos. But if you want to really fucking go for an insane ride, The Substance. Yeah, sexy as fuck. Jesus Christ. Incredibly watchable. I have seen that. You have seen that. Did you see The Substance, Jeff? You gotta see this movie. It's fucking nuts. Well, it's about the, I guess the overall principle of the movie is it's about like trying to preserve your beauty and the sacrifices that you would make to do that could cost you the opposite effect on the back end. So a temporary look now for a instant gratification now for a nightmare situation perhaps later.

1:50:08Great review.

1:50:09Brian Redban:Yeah. Did you see Song Sung Blue? That was really good. Uh-uh. Is that a Japanese movie? No. It was Hugh Jackman and... Song Sung Blue, I believe, is one of our golden ticket winners.

1:50:25Song Sung Blue.

1:50:32It's about Neil Diamond impersonators, but it's really good. Oh, cool. Yeah. And, you know, Kate Hudson. Hugh Jackman? Jackman. Hugh Jackman. Very good movie. I'm just watching Eric smoke the first cigarette of his life over there. I was like, it's a really nice club. I didn't want to ash on your wall. There's an ashtray. There's an ashtray right there. Oh, yeah. There it is. He holds it like he's French or something. Yeah. I do a movie review.

1:50:57Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps you've seen La Mayonnaise starring Pepe Le Pew. That's pretty good. Yeah. It's like he's waiting for Conan O 'Brien. I don't know. Eric, what else have you done with your life? Tell us something else. Oh, I tried to sell my shit last year. That was something interesting. What did you sell? Well, no, like shit, like actual poop. Oh, wow. Yeah, there's a website called... Bury the lead, why don't you? No, there's a website called the Human Biome Project, and they pay like$180 ,000 a year to buy your poop. So I signed up to, like, donate or whatever, and it's like a real thing.

1:51:40They pay you money for your poop and they put it like in a pill because it like helps with bacteria for other people. It's like a whole thing. Did you get, you got money for this? No, I just, I applied and I didn't get in. Do you have to send them your poop to apply? So it's a weird process. Like the first part is you do an IQ test, which I thought was weird.

1:52:04I passed that, thank God. And then the next part, you send him photos. That's where I failed because I had diarrhea on the last day. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Crohn's disease or something like that. No, I don't have that. No, no, it's for Crohn's disease. Oh, yeah, maybe. I just wanted the money.

1:52:22Brian Redban:Yeah. Amazing. So other than selling shit, what else have you done with your life, Eric? Red Band's like new merch idea.

1:52:33Brian Redban:That's corny. Another poop joke. Red Band, our senior poop correspondent. Eric, tell us one more fun fact about your life.

1:52:47Man, am I interesting? I'm Brazilian. That's a big one. I told you that last time. I'm a Brazilian guy, which is kind of interesting. I go there every year to see family, and it's just fun being white in Brazil and speaking Portuguese. You get to go to Brazil often? I do. Yeah, I go every year to see my family. Do you ever feel like you're gonna be kidnapped or taken for money? That's a big big deal over there. Am I correct? No, it's not Mexico. It's like a little nicer. I mean, it's...

1:53:12Brian Redban:Are you in a specific gated white part of Brazil? Brazil is famous for kidnapping and trying to take hostage white people. No, there are places like that in Brazil. Yeah, it's called Brazil. That's the place in Brazil in which that's a thing. What are you, the head of tourism over there or something? Hey, I'm just, you know, trying to represent Brazil. But it is the second most dangerous country on the planet, right behind Afghanistan. Wow, there it is. It's not Mexico, you're right. You're right. It is dangerous, but they do, like, they separate people, which is bad. But also, I mean, I'm in the nicer parts, which is good.

1:53:47There you go. I had a feeling. Took a while to get there, but there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what you're talking about, Tony. Brazil is so nice.

1:53:55Brian Redban:Yeah, you're right. All right. What's your dating life like? Um, um, not really dating. I mean, I go into the apps every now and then. I, you know, I kind of head around and then see what's up. But I'm not really, like, actively getting out there. Last date? What about you? Last date? Thank you. Thank you. Way to change the subject there. Last date you went on, what was that like? Um, it wasn't really a date. She just sort of came over, uh, which was cool. Mm-hmm. That was fun. But that was around September. That was the last time. She just hit me up. She was drunk. She was like, what are you doing?

1:54:35And she was like, you want to go out? And I'm like, no. I'm at home watching a movie.

1:54:39Brian Redban:And she was like, well... Wow, Batman begins. Here's a medium-sized joke book. It's all I have left. There he goes. Eric McLaughlin. Actually, switch that up. They'll give you a big joke book on your way out. Give them a big one. Trade that medium for a big. All right, since we were running a little ahead of time, ladies and gentlemen, I decided for one last bucket pull, huh? Put your hands together for Jonathan Jerrigan. We'll make this one quick no matter what happens. We got to keep it moving. Jonathan Jerrigan is your final bucket pull of the night. What's going on? Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show?

1:55:17I just stopped wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dahmer?

1:55:27Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the friend zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big office. First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. So I'm just like, this dude has a girlfriend?

1:55:56What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have the most commanding personality. If I were, like, in a biker gang, it would be sons of Applebee's. Like, going out on a date with me is so cold, it's how it feels to chew five gum. But, um, y 'all been... We'll just end it there. Thank you very much. I'm Jonathan Jernigan. There it is. Solid set from Jonathan Jernigan. Welcome to the show, Jonathan. Who's Jernigan? I'm close enough. It's what? Jernigan. Jernigan. Okay. Everybody used to it. Your ends look like ours. Yeah.

1:56:31Brian Redban:All right. There you go. Jonathan Jernigan. So, Jonathan. What's up? Where are you from? Houston. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be eight years in August. Okay. Cool. How long have you been named Jernigan? For my whole life. Yeah. What are the Jernigans like? What are your parents like? What's the family? Well, my dad was an ex-hippie. and then my mom is unfortunately no longer with us. What happened to mom? Oh, she had cancer. Hell yeah. I kept pointing the TV remote at her. That'll do it. That'll do it. So when you say your dad's an ex-hippie, what do you mean exactly? Well, he used to have really long hair and play chess, but now he doesn't.

1:57:21Brian Redban:What made him kind of snap out of it, you think? My mom dying.

1:57:29Brian Redban:All right. All right. Okay. So what is dad, how's dad keeping it together now? How long ago did mom die? I want to say like eight years ago. Okay. Has your dad moved on? Has he gotten a new lady yet? No. No, but we're trying to get him to move on, but I mean. It's tough. Yeah. You have a lot of brothers and sisters? I have one brother. Okay. Older, younger? Younger. All right. What does he do? He does financial analysis. What do you do for work? I teach painting. You teach painting? You make a living doing that? Not really. Oh, wow. How are you surviving? I live at home. Amazing. With dad? Oh, yeah, with dad.

1:58:10Brian Redban:Okay. It's less embarrassing now that my mom's dead. Right. Exactly. It makes it seem like you're there supporting him. Well, according to the TLC rules, I'm technically not a scrub anymore. Very good. Very good. It's important to follow the TLC rules. Don't be a scrub and don't go chasing waterfalls. Brian Redback. So are you a pretty good artist? Like what kind of paint do you are? It's acrylic. And I mostly teach like new painters. So it's like you sign up for a night and like you with a date and you get drunk and you paint and stuff. That's cool. You get a lot of paint pussy. Not really. I don't try because I feel creepy if I try to like hit on the guests.

1:58:48I like being employed. Oh yeah. But other than that. Amazing. Where can people find your art at, Mr. Jernigan? I don't paint that often. Oh, wow. Quite the salesman. Yeah. Okay. I've been focusing hard on comedy. Nice. Yeah. You're very, very good at it. Thank you. Keep it up. Sign up again sometime, Jonathan Jernigan. Good to see we're at the end of the episode, so we're going to keep it moving.

1:59:15Brian Redban:Thank you so much. Sign up again, Jonathan Jernigan. A funny man. Get him a big joke book. There we go. I ran out of big joke books. It's been such a good episode. You know it's a good episode when I ran out of big joke books. All right, everybody, we've made it to the final part of the show. William Montgomery is sick. Ari Matty is adding Monday shows to his sold-out weekends on the road, taking full advantage of the Kilcone-y bump while not showing up for the thing that made him so famous. But luckily for you guys, we have one more superstar that's on the super rise, everybody. Every single week, this guy does more than a minute.

1:59:58It's amazing to watch. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta, and now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the rising star, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

2:00:15Austin! Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to y 'all, I got some beef for Austin, Texas. I don't wanna be the doctor told me Austin, Texas no more, how y 'all been treating me, because right now I'm homeless, and I'm the richest homeless nigga in Austin, Texas. I applied for three houses to move into, and one of the houses texted me, no matter what pay stubs I sent them, I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, your credit is bad. What the landlords want is for you to write an essay about why your credit is bad and what you intend to do about it. Nigga, this is the essay.

2:01:12I was poor, now I'm not. I'm not.

2:01:18That's why I moved here, bitch. Did you look at anything? Did you Google me at all? I was homeless before, and now I'm not. But you want me to write a... Nigga, that feel like slavery to me. You want me to write you an essay about why I was poor and why my... Nigga, credit wasn't real. and it's still not to me. I don't need credit. I'm making the money. But they want me to write them an essay. That shit is insane. What the fuck is Austin, Texas doing? You want me to write you an essay so I can stay in a house you don't want to live in no more? You want me to live in there and then pay you money to live?

2:02:08That shit... Actually, let me be homeless. Let me be homeless, because honestly, I miss my homeless dick package that I used to give women. I used to fuck good as fuck when I was homeless. I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. Because you had to fuck a girl so good that she go to sleep.

2:02:36I've been using rich nigga dick for fucking six months, which is mostly like, I'm too tired, I just did. A nigga that ain't got nowhere to go. I'm gonna fuck you whenever the fuck you want to. I'm doing moves I never even thought possible. Leg up, sideways. I wanna get back to that package. You ain't hurting my feelings. And shit, I learned, I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was homeless. I learned how to fold clothes when I was homeless. Normally I just wash clothes, I put them on a bed, and then I sleep on it because my bed is too hard.

2:03:22That's my time, I love y 'all. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Deep, deep and true. It's some insight into the true life of Dedrick Flynn. That shit hurt my face. I thought, because I was in Texas, right, and I was a kill Tony... That's what I put on the application. Kill Tony regular.

2:03:49Let me in. Yeah. I'm making enough money to buy the house. Yeah. But they told me my credit was too bad, and they wanted to... Nick, I've never written an essay for pussy. You want me to write an essay so I can live in your house? Fuck Austin, Texas right now. Did they know... Well, I guess your name on the application was Dedrick. So you think it has anything to do with the possibility that perhaps you were... No. Dedrick is a German name.

2:04:27Brian Redban:German chocolate. Yeah, yeah, come on.

2:04:33I put Dedrick Flynn on there, and I thought they would just Google me and be like, that's okay. Yeah. Well, we found out recently you call it a heavy debit card. You don't even have a credit card. No, I have a heavy debit card right now, Redman. White dad, don't treat me like this in front of them fucking... That's not a credit card. White dad, I did everything I could. Also, to ask me why I was poor before as if you never heard a rap song, That's what happened. Listen to Gucci. Listen to fucking Young Dolph. Listen to fucking Meek Mill. I was poor and now I'm not. That's the end of it. That's every rap song that started.

2:05:11Why you act like this is the first time you've ever heard of a black person making his dreams come true? Dedrick, this is true. Have you been selling... The chains are looking a little tight tonight. Have you been selling links of your gold chains for the down payment of this house? It's starting to look like you're a pit bull or something like that. You already look like you own a pit bull. No, I'm a stray dog. You look like... I went back to being a stray dog. All I do is push-ups. I'm a pit bull. Like, I'm a good boy, but I'm a bad dog. You know that, Tony.

2:05:45Brian Redban:Absolutely. Like, I'm a good boy. Everybody loves, they want to pet me, but I'll buy the kid. That is true. How dare... What the fuck? I have so much gold on me. Is this house that you're applying to, does it happen to be a doghouse, Dedrick? It's not even nice. It's not even nice. How dare you ask me to write an essay? Has anybody in this audience ever written an essay to rent a place? There are a couple other black people out there. I see them. They all raise their hands at once. They're all back here. This is D-Man.

2:06:22Don't play with me. I'm just trying to read it. Either play it or don't. Dedrick, what else is going on in life? Anything else crazy? I just want to say right now that officially I'm the dark storm of Chicago. I just sold out four shows out of five in Chicago, and I had a fucking great time out there. That was fucking fantastic. Was it Zany's? I'm so mad. Yeah, Zany's. They were ripping so much fun. They told me they sold the most alcohol they've ever sold in the last three years for my five shows. Little fun fact about Zany's, I've headlined there probably somewhere six, seven, eight, nine, ten times or whatever.

2:07:02But at one point, I opened up there for Jeffrey Ross. I was just a measly opener. Yeah, they looked at me while I'm looking at your fucking... My roommate texted me being like, hey, they want an essay while I'm looking at your phone. I hate touring because every time I go somewhere, you're there and I can see you watching me. So I'm like, I can't do bad. Tony Hinchcliffe is right there on the wall. I am. And I just can't do no bad. That's just... It happens. Nigga, fuck Austin. How the fuck?

2:07:35Brian Redban:You can't hate on the city of Austin, by the way. Yes, I can. No, that nowhere... Go see if Chicago's gonna sell you a nice house without an essay. They asked me to write an essay. I looked at it.

2:07:47No, it was 33 degrees outside when I left, and I got here, and it was 91. I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be.

2:07:55Brian Redban:Pro tip, Dedrick. Don't write them an essay. Send them your upcoming schedule. You can literally get your agents to compile a thing that says what you're doing. I did, and they wanted why my credit score was bad. As if they never heard a dream come true. That's true. It happened. They wanted me to write an essay so they could jack off with their racist ass. Hold on a second. They wanted to be like, oh, that nigga was poor, now he's living in my house. Create an LLC and have the LLC. I have an LLC and an S-Corp, Red Band. You helped me make it. LLC. Yeah, he's got littler and littler chains. That's the LLC he's got.

2:08:34It's called both these LLCs. Those things are shrinking. Either those are shrinking or your neck is growing in real time. You're having an allergic reaction. I'm doing the push-ups because these niggas online want to fight. Dedrick, we love you. Everybody loves you, Dedrick Coyle. I love y 'all. Take that so, mate. The richest homeless man in Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, if you've ever listened to anything I tell you, I implore you, go to Netflix now that the episode is over and watch Take a Banana for the Ride. And without a doubt, as you know, make sure you watch The Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th, live on Netflix.

2:09:12Anything can happen. Maybe someone trips up the stairs or fucking whatever. throws a shot glass on the ground and glass flies everywhere. It's as live as it gets. On Netflix. It's going to be a lot of fun. Thank you, Gil Tony. Thank you, Red Band. Give it up for these incredible musicians tonight. Yeah. Tony, I love you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your crazy world. I love you. You're the fucking man. One more time for the great Jeff Ross. This episode has been brought to you by Shopify, Tagovus, and Zip Recruiter. Let's check in with the local artist, Chris Rogers, see what he drew.

2:09:48It's Jeff Ross, everybody. Hell yeah. That's absolutely incredible. I can let you know that indeed you still have a chance perhaps of getting tickets for Kill Tony, Wrestlemania, Las Vegas, Nevada. It's an absolute incredible hybrid of your favorite fucking, the greatest fucking entertainment. Two of your favorite entertainment and sources WWE and KT all together at once. Madison Square Garden is now on sale for early August in New York City. And we're doing the Intuit Dome. And that's May 7th, I do believe. And then the 8th, 9th, 10th, yeah, I think it's the 7th. Thursday, May 7th at the Intuit Dome.

2:10:37The week of the Netflix is a joke. Week which ends with a roast of Kevin Hart. Red Band? San Diego. I'll be there July 9th through 11th, bringing some friends. AmericanComedyCo.com. Thank you to our sponsors. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, for Jeff Ross. Take a banana for the ride. Right now. Every single one of you, go watch it. Keep it on. Let it run all the way to the end for his retention ratings. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Good night.

2:11:14Thank you.

2:11:56Outro Music

2:12:13Thank you.

2:12:48Thank you.

2:13:13Joe White:Switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three-month plan, equivalent to$15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mintmobile.com. Stitch Fix. Shopping is hard. Let's talk about it. I don't have time to shop, so I buy all my clothes where I buy my seafood. I just want someone to tell me what shirt goes with what pants. I just want jeans that fit. Stitch Fix makes shopping easy. Just show your size, style, and budget, and your stylist sends personalized looks right to your door. No subscription required, plus free shipping and returns.

2:13:47Joe White:Man, that was easy. That looked good. Stitch Fix, online personal styling for everyone. Take your style quiz today at stitchfix.com.