#764 - JELLY ROLL + THEO VON

18:30Yeah. I'm big enough. Fair. Yeah. And do you lay in there? And if you ever lay in there and listen to Jelly Roll, you listen to some Jelly Roll up in there? You know? Well, that was the question I had. Do you know any Tech Nines songs? Yeah. I'm a big fan of your track. So if I go, K-C-Mo. Oh! Respect. All right, I fucked up.

18:52Brian Redban:All right, perfect. Perfect. Just short enough of a song that we don't get dinged by YouTube. Perfect. Michael A. Keaton, Fun Times. You did it. You got through it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Michael A. Keaton, ladies and gentlemen. And we're going to keep it moving along. Hell yeah.

19:17Brian Redban:There's the lovely Heidi and Val, ladies and gentlemen.

19:25Brian Redban:amazing whoa uh-oh it's gonna be the most watched part of the episode right there how about one more time for Heidi and Val their podcast love on the line available at Heidi Regina.com and the show goes on hello there our dear friends this podcast is sponsored by Shopify starting something new isn't just hard it's terrifying so much work goes into everything and anything that you're not entirely sure it will work out. I mean, look at this show. And it can be a leap of faith to start something crazy. I mean, when I started this podcast, I was thinking, what if no one listens? What if I make a fool out of myself?

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22:19Thank you. Oh my God, did you guys see that homeless woman with her tits hanging out on 6th Street? Yeah, wearing a mask. Yeah, I said, what are you, a Democrat?

22:33So I am originally...

22:40I am originally from Iran, Nebraska. Yeah. I was at the airport, and I don't know if you've seen that sign that says, no guns allowed in the airplane. Yeah, you know that same sign in the Middle East reads, no stones allowed in the airplane. But AK-47 is okay, because those virgins can get out of control. I got guns in my head and it won't go. Spheres in my head and it won't go. I got guns. And then another sign right under that that reads, not responsible for lost limbs. I got guns in my head and it won't go. Oh, you missed the stone. Oh, you missed me.

23:26Brian Redban:All right, Sherry Bassegi. Welcome back, Sherry. Theo? Yeah. You know, I was wondering what had happened to MIA.

23:38You look lovely, and I like a lot of the stuff.

23:47And, yeah. And I am honestly tickled to see you. That's amazing.

23:54Brian Redban:Sherry, remind us, how long you been with stand-up? This may well be three years. Three years. And you are Iranian, correct? Yes. So how do you feel about everything that's happening here? How do you feel about it? Let's be honest here, Sherry. Let's get honest. Yeah, Sherry, tell us the truth. How do you feel about us lighting up your country? Well, I think they're doing it for the freedom. That is true. That's what we'd say. Yeah, exactly. But does it feel like that's what's happening, or does it feel like, what's happening now? It's blowing up in my ass now. It's for the right reasons. And I think there's always going to be casualty when you're trying to do this.

24:32This is 47 years in the making. So I'm excited for the freedom that's about to come.

24:38Brian Redban:Yes, without a doubt. See, that's what happens when you check in with a real Iranian instead of the local news. Right. And you visited there? You go there sometimes? My immediate family's here after my mom passed away. I just no longer had a reason to go back. Right. How did your mom pass away? No, my grandma. My mom is here. Yeah. Okay. Who killed her, you're saying? If it's Israel, it's Israel. Yeah. My mom's alive. She's still alive? My mom is, yes. Grandma. We're asking about grandma. She died natural causes. Natural causes, yes. I am sitting down.

25:23Brian Redban:Okay. So, Sherry, where do you live now? Austin? Yeah. And you just do stand-up for a living? or? I'm not doing it for a living but I would love to. But so what do you do for a living? I do paralegal work from home. Okay. Yeah. Very cool. It's very convenient. Paralegal. Yeah. Par airplanes hit our towers a few years ago from people like you. Guilty as charged. Remember that? I love it. Sherry what do you do for fun? Tell us all what you do for fun. Not much. I mean I need to put myself out there and start dating but just keep. You are an Iranian mountain cougar, a very rare bird. That's right.

26:01Brian Redban:I like to hawaii younger men. You like younger men, right? Yeah. Whoa. Whoa there. But I did just recently join a Middle Eastern dating app. It's called... Uh-oh. Yes, whoo!

26:20Brian Redban:Amazing. You're adorable, Sherry. Last date you went on, what was that like? What? Well, you're the last date that you went on last time you hung out with a man last time you let someone into your sandpit It was weird we had interest then we kissed and then I kind of waited and waited and he waited and it feels like the Interest just kind of dissipated like if you don't move on it There's a window that opens and then it closes so you got to move fast Yes, absolutely and this bitch and this bitch is old so I didn't move fast enough That's okay. Yeah. What are you saying? No, I'm saying that's okay.

27:05Yeah. You're fine. He's probably fine wherever he is. Yeah. I don't know. Fuck him, to be honest with you. But he's probably a great guy. Yeah. So I'm going to sit back down.

27:19Brian Redban:Where did you guys make out at? In a car? At your place? No, just whatever show that we were doing at the end. Oh. And then we kissed. again. Sometimes we kiss. Okay. Yeah. Look at that. That's good. Incredible. Absolutely. Sherry, any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting?

27:42Brian Redban:Really? Nothing? Digging and digging. There's just not much. What's the craziest thing you have in your refrigerator? What's the greatest thing? Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator that we would find odd. Like me, right now, at this very moment, I have pickled carrots, pickled jalapenos, Pickled pickles. There's a pickling guy at the local farmer's market, and I have a lot of pickled things in my fridge, an odd amount of pickled things. Now it's your turn. Soy chicken? Ooh. Wow. It's good. Soy sauce on chicken? Let's check in with our senior refrigerator correspondent jelly roll. Fake!

28:19Did you say soy chicken or soul chicken? No, soy chicken, like fake chicken. Oh, I thought you said soul chicken. I thought you said sword chicken.

28:27Brian Redban:Yeah, I thought she said... Like sword fish. No, soy. What's your... All chicken is soul chicken, right? Right.

28:36Brian Redban:All right. What's your favorite kind of music? My favorite kind of what? Music. Music? Oh, house music. Whoa. Look at that. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. All right. That's enough, okay, that's enough. That's enough. Sherry, fun times. You did good. You're leaving here with a brown joke book, just like you. Boom. Whoa, good catch, Sherry. Thank you. Wow. She made eye contact with me on that catch. Theo. Theo's a sweet boy. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It's Ethan Griggs, everybody. Ethan Griggs. All right.

29:34Woo! How we doing? Man. At the end of the day, I'm just a hick-ass farmer from Cattle Mills, Texas. And the thing about this, if you know anything about farmers, the only reason they have kids is to, like, carry on the farm and the cheap farm labor. Well, I was an only child and a fuck-up at that, so when my dad died, that's why the farm failed, and now I'm out here doing comedy, fucking that up, too. It's crazy, though. We were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection. And here's the thing. I used to buy my dad porn. So I've already seen a third of this collection, and I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this collection.

30:12I'll be damned if I'm going to rehab for masturbation addiction. That's like getting cancer from vaping. That's just fucking embarrassing. Like, can't even raise my hand because it's busy. Like, shit. I'll tell you what though, I don't think I'll make it in stand-up comedy though. Man, I had a very untraumatic childhood. Like, I didn't get molested because I wasn't in the church of the scouts. And the only relative that might have molested me was too busy fucking goats to give me the time of day. I can't compete with sheep's pussy, nor would I want to. I guess that's my time. I heard a little meow, so.

30:47All right. Right on.

30:49Brian Redban:Our second preacher of the night. Yeah. Ethan Griggs. Exactly. Welcome Ethan. Is this really Jelly Roll? Holy shit man. Hey nice to meet you. I felt the same way when you walked up. I was like my people are here. Hell yeah. And then you started talking about being poor and drug addiction. I was like this is my kind of guy. And then you said you bought your dad porn and I was out. Fuck yeah. Good to meet you sir. Killer set. Thank you sir. I appreciate that. Welcome. Where is Cattle Mills, Texas? It's about an hour northeast of Dallas. How long you been trying stand-up? Collectively five years.

31:25Like, I did it a little bit before the pandemic, and I got back into it about 2023, started taking it seriously, and... Okay. So now I'm here, I guess, so... Theo. Yeah, you look great. I like... I'm happy to see you. Oh, thank you. Oh, shit, Theo Vaughn's here, too. Motherfucker. Yeah, I was right here. Damn, you fucking really are. That's dumb, dude. I am.

31:47Brian Redban:I've never seen nobody before in cattle mills. I'm not used to seeing nobody of any status whatsoever. I'm not. Nobody molests me. I don't get to see celebrities. What do you do for work? How long? I'll tell you what he does. He's a sorcerer. He's a fricking, he's a rural businessman. He looks like he sells used karma. That's pretty much close. Very close. I work in a Circle K actually. Do you really? Yeah. Fuck yeah, I love it there. Hell yeah. You look like the kind of customer that will come in at a Circle K. Yeah. We used to spend time in that bitch. We wouldn't just come in and just do our shit and dip.

32:25We would come in and spend time with y 'all. No, no, most people do. Most people just don't know how to fucking leave. Like, they'd be in there for 30 minutes just figuring out how to work the coffee machine. Do they hang out in the parking lot, too? Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Well, the other night, somebody shut the fucking pumps off and shit. It fucked me all kinds of up. I didn't know what the hell was going on. It's like, why the hell y 'all put this shit out in the front? You know, any motherfucker can touch it. And they got a lot of gay dudes running up in there, too. They do. Dude, no, I almost saw a bump fight with a trans and a fucking homeless person.

32:54It was crazy.

32:54Brian Redban:They have trans in Cattle Mills, Texas? No, this is in Austin. Oh, okay. I've been in Austin for over nine years. No, they didn't have that shit in Cattle Mills. I'm talking about gays, bro. I ain't talking about all these remodels. Shit, that's all the same to me. Shit, I don't know. Fuck. Oh, bro, you don't even fucking know he was here, bro. You know what I'm here, bro? You could be two inches from a cow and not know who was that, bro. I couldn't believe it. Hey, there's so many celebrities in this. I never know. Shit. Hell yeah. No, man, I'm just joking with you, and it's nice to see you. And, yeah, they got a lot of gay dudes out there trying to get that fucking fake CPR out there.

33:31Yeah, exactly. That's true. It's rough out here.

33:36Brian Redban:So what did you do for work before the Circle K? I worked at a television station. Wow. CBS and Telemundo. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I just, I recently quit that job this month, and i tried to get to say i tried to do a sales job and i sucked at that and so i decided to quit that and then just do circle k circle k and then now i got a lot to deliver laundry too yeah so i got all kinds of whatever makes money i don't know what do your parents and cattle mills do for work when they're not well my dad's dead picture with a pitchfork in front of the house yeah my dad's dead yeah my dad's dead too theo my dad's alive had a heart attack last week but he's got.

34:15Brian Redban:Gay. My dad's cool. He's cool. And my mom, I don't really know what, she does something with insurance. I don't exactly know what the fuck. She works from home, so she wasn't a farmer, though. But she's a good woman, though. Oh, yeah, she's great. She'll be down here this weekend. So, for Easter. What are y 'all gonna do? Y 'all gonna celebrate? Go out to dinner? Go out to lunch or something? She gonna cook. She gonna cook for the rest of my adopted family and shit. My homegirl, Carly, who I live with and shit, so. Okay. When you say homegirl, what exactly do you mean? That's just because we're white and we sound black.

34:43I don't know what to say. yeah how old are you i'm guessing 27 to 52. yeah there's somewhere you know what you're right on the money i'm 34.

34:52Brian Redban:wow amazing yeah so the home girl is your girlfriend no she's my friend my landlady too my sister from a different mister you know you live with your landlady yeah but you're not banging no but the lady that you are banging is coming to town and cooking for you no that's my mother i ain't back hey i'm from the country i ain't inbred like that but you go for some of that dark meat, huh? Oh, I do, yeah. I like my women like I like my trucks, large and black. Really? Is that true? She ain't a real lady unless she 280. You go walking in the dark, huh? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, brother. I like that.

35:27Brian Redban:It's very surprising. How many black women do you think you've been with? I lost my virginity to a black woman. Wow. Where was that at? Cattle mills, ironically enough. Cattle mills. Yeah. Where in cattle mills exactly? I mean, it's just a small town, so it's just, you know, at a neighbor's house. Okay. I thought you said General Mills. Where? Yeah. No, C-A-D-D-O like the Indians. Cado. See, a lot of people think I say cattle because I don't know how to fucking talk either. Fuck, they're lying. They're not lying, but they are. They don't know what they're talking about. Yeah. That's true. Hell yeah.

36:05Right on.

36:05Brian Redban:Ethan, anything else crazy we should know about you before getting you out of here? Ah, shit, I don't know. We'd be here all night if I'd tell you all the crazy shit that I've done. How about anything? Anything? One thing. One thing. Fuck. Ever been to jail? I have once. Yeah, I got a DWI back in December. So, my... Like, four months ago? Yeah. All right. Back in 1980 December. Not my proudest moment, but, you know, I'm dealing with it. Whose fault was it? Was it yours or was it someone else? It was mine. Yeah, I was blackout drunk. I don't remember most of it. What happened? like I said I don't remember leaving my buddy's house to waking up in the hospital bed cuffed to it but luckily nobody was hurt what did you wreck into uh two part cars wow oh yeah one for the plug and one for the load right yeah that's what it was yeah yep unfortunately this bro one time yeah Sorry.

37:03No, go for it. Let's do it. I'm leaving this bar and I was driving a Honda Accord or whatever. Yeah. Because I was fucking having kind of a tough time or whatever. And anyway, I go get in my car. There's a cop car right next to it. I go get in it. And then I'm looking in there and I'm like, there's a baby seat in my car. And I'm like thinking, oh, somebody snuck in here with their baby, right? I got in the wrong car. There's a cop right next to me in his car. He's kind of looking over at me. And now I'm like trying to, I can't start this car. He said, fucking not mine. Damn. So I had to pop the hood, dude.

37:33This cop's looking under the hood with me of somebody else's fucking car. Damn. And I thought my shit was bad. The dude came out, he's like, what the fuck y 'all doing? And I was like, I'm just helping this officer. And they fucking, yeah. So that's what I'm saying, BLM, homie.

37:51Brian Redban:That's right. Hell yeah. That's right. Thank you. Ethan Griggs, you're leaving here with a medium joke, but congratulations. Good job. Thank you very much. Ethan Griggs, everybody. All right. Theo, you don't have to get up for all these people. That's not... But I ain't never seen nothing like this before. Theo, Jelly Roll, good night, everybody. Oh, shit. Look at that. People are going to be like, wow, Theo Jelly Roll and Woody Harrelson's gay son were all in the same place at the same time. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Did you know that the average employer has to sort through roughly 250 resumes per job opening?

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40:54Brian Redban:Let me get you hard. That's promo code TONY. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, and goes by the name of Charles Haycock, everyone. Here we go.

41:14What's up? I'm trying to talk to more women now, but it should be good because I don't have autism because I've never been tested. And I think that's how you beat it. I think that's the only cure I've heard of. But my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him. and you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I'm like, well, it's not part time. It's not weekends, hit the club, Monday, back to puzzles.

41:57I did try to get tested too when I was in Canada where it's free there, but they're busy. So they, you know, they phone me back. They're like, sorry, sir, the wait time is seven years. I was like, what the fuck? To find out if I have autism, seven years? No, that's 3 ,461 days. No. No, I can't do that. That's a Tuesday. No, Tuesday's when the train comes. That's why I said it.

42:29Brian Redban:Thank you, guys. Unbelievable. Charles Paycock, welcome, welcome. my friend. What a rock star you are. How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for 12 years. Fuck yeah, man. Where at? Canada, Edmonton, Alberta. Okay. Hell yeah. Oh, look at that. Dude, what's your name? Have we ever met before? No, dude. I've never met you. My name's Charles. Charles Theo. Nice to meet you. It's a pleasure. Thanks. Yeah, I thought maybe I'd met you before because I used to do a lot of shows up there and I thought maybe we had met one time. Oh, okay. Cool. You meet a lot of guys like me? Oh.

43:07I don't know.

43:11It happens. Bro, I'm not even gay. Okay? I am a guy who likes women, dude. You should see some of the drawings in my diary. I'm flattered. That's all, you know? No, I thought that we had met before, though. I'm 100 % serious with you. I thought we had met one time. Oh, okay, okay, well. So good to see you.

43:35Brian Redban:All right, okay, very good. One note, right? No, be honest, though, if you was gay, bro, because we don't know... Yeah, I mean... Would you smash this little fucking beetle muffin over here? I mean, well, we're, like, I think we're both bottoms, so, like, those batteries don't go that way, you know what I mean? They have to go along the same way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gay. You can't have two super gay guys. Never mind, dude. Whatever, dude. Yeah. I love it. Charles, tell us about your life up in Canada. My life in Canada, well, shit, I moved to Texas this last year. Oh, nice. Congratulations. Thank you, sir.

44:15You got citizenship and everything? No, I do not, but I have papers. I do have papers. Okay. I'm hoping to get permanent papers later, but... Yeah. Canada is a good time, and I finally started dating a female girl. Nice. Tell us about that. How's that going? It's going good. I had a dry spell for, like, nine years. Whoa, that's very dry. Yeah, and it was rough. Like, the only girl I had a crush on during that was... I met an Amish girl, uh... And the only place you can find them is, like, when they're selling furniture. And then, uh... She was great, but... Get in their drawers, huh? Sorry. And that's not even a real joke.

44:58I just read that somewhere on the fucking, in the back of my brain, and I was like, who wrote this? Some... Yeah. It or whatever, yeah. Anyway, carry on. I'm sorry, dude. I'm honestly interrupting you. It's not very nice of me. It's great. And I am sorry. It's great. We love this. Yeah, I had to pretend that, you know, I was interested in their$17 ,000 drawers, but the Amish, they're pretty pricey, but... And then I waited nine years, and then I met a girl who's not Amish, so I'm allowed to date her, but... Hell yeah. She's, uh... And what was it about the Amish that was bringing you over there?

45:38Can I ask him that? Yeah, absolutely. What was it about? Have you seen a lot of Amish? I haven't seen that many Amish before. I've met Amish... I've met probably maybe 11 Amish people in my whole life. Okay, okay. You podcasted with two of them, I think.

45:48Brian Redban:Yeah, exactly. I've seen clips of that one. How is that allowed? Is that not against their whole shit? Well, they wouldn't know, I don't reckon. Yeah. Yeah. They don't know what they're doing, dude. They wouldn't find out. Okay, okay. They just think they're just talking in like a weird shape or something. Yeah. But don't you feel like you're swoiling their existence a little bit by exposing them to the world? You were trying to fuck one. Yes, dude. Bro, you don't shame Theo. Yeah, dude. Yeah, don't furniture shame me, dude. you're over here playing let's hide in the back of uh narnia closet or whatever let me take you to see my lion let me show you that pants ad man or whatever did you make an attempt what was the best attempt you made at hooking up with the amish girl yeah i was scared off of me because i was talking to her and i made her laugh and then like four of her dad showed up immediately.

46:45Oh, shit. They have so many dads, and they looked at me like, there's no fucking chance. Oh, yeah. So I got the heck out of there, but...

46:54Brian Redban:You can only fuck them during Rumpelspring, or whatever it's called. There's Redman, everybody, if you're wondering what it sounds like when he talks. There you go. Rumpelspring, everyone. There's some degenerates in the crowd, some diehard Redman fans. Rumpelspring, everybody. It's your Doritos, J.D., Joke of the night, everyone. Amazing, Charles. What else about you? You seem like a guy that's got an interestingly complex life. Well, I start in Canada to make money. I go and I have a yo-yo company. Ooh, I knew there was something. See, Theo, you looked at me funny there, but he's got a yo-yo company.

47:33Brian Redban:You were right. We just...

47:39We just got canceled recently, though, so we're not making money this year.

47:43Brian Redban:Oh, no. Well, that company, probably I'd imagine that industry has a lot of ups and downs. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It's no rumble spring, but it'll do for now. Amazing. So the yo-yo company got canceled or just went out of business? No, I got like, so like our manufacturer was in America. Your manufacturer? Yeah, dude. I sound pretty sick when I say that. It does sound good. I want to know more about it. I do, I really do, man. Sorry, my attitude's been weird today.

48:19No, but, uh... I'm just nervous, probably. Yeah, no, we had Americans make our shit. But the thing is, in America, like, the yo-yo scene is kind of run by... I guess you'd call it the woke yo-yo mob. You guys know about this, right? Oh, yeah. So, uh, and they're also autistic, so, like, imagine...

48:40Brian Redban:Yeah, we have one. Come on up here, Colt. Come on around. Yeah, the way. We have a yo-yo guy. We have a yo-yo guy that actually knows your company. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of our main people. Do a little yo-yo, Colt. Hell yeah. There he is. This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. What are the odds? One of the greatest yo-yoers in the world happens to be a five-year veteran employee of the Kill Tony enterprise. right when you think this podcast doesn't get any cooler. We yo-yo.

49:19Brian Redban:Amazing. Look at that. Charles, you're awesome, dude. Come back any time. We'll see you soon. Charles Haycock, everybody. There he goes. Kelly. All right. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. a special treat for you. This man is making his Kill Tony debut. He's an internet sensation. You very likely follow him on Instagram. Very funny, man. Make some noise for Lil Mo Mozzarella, everybody. His Kill Tony debut.

50:00Watch your mouth. Shut the fuck up in the back. Stay put. I'm from New York City. I don't know you guys act like you don't fucking understand me, but I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish. Where are you? I throw one word at you. What's up? Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese poppy. You know, people do it to Italians all the time. They come to fucking Little Lily, and they start acting Italian. The guy's got freckles and shit. Let me get a chicken cutlet, parmesan, fresh mozzarella, red peppers. Tell your sister G and I. He said, how you doing? Guy's fucking Norwegian. You know where you never do it, though?

50:34You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant acting Chinese, no? Lay home now. Let me get a pork fried rice. Don't forget the wonton soup. They don't do it. They get disrespectful. They start yelling. Lay's my pork fried rice! They think you can understand them if you talk loud, you know? They're disrespectful. See, I always show them respect. Like, let's say, for instance, I go, like, for a steak. I bring the bones home, and I bring it to the restaurant for the dog to bury the yard. How you doing? I was gonna say they ate the dog, but then I said somebody might fuck me up out here. I see a couple Asians.

51:12Kim Jong-un's over there. What's up, Mo? How does it feel to never ride a roller coaster?

51:19Brian Redban:Little Mo Mozzarella, ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. Very funny, lots of energy. Oh, shit. He just hit the hardware ogre in the head. I drove fucking 20 hours. Did you really? And Ray, everybody.

51:43Well, Mo, you are the man. Good to see you tonight, man. You really drove 20 hours to get here? No, I drove about fucking six. I like that though. I was in Oklahoma. The food there sucks, Mo. They eat testicles. You know anybody from Oklahoma, they eat testicles. Yeah. And they eat it like two grapes. I wouldn't even eat a fucking hot dog in front of people. You know what they eat there? It's called lamb something. Look it up.

52:07Brian Redban:Yeah, lamb. Yeah, it's a thing. Shot GBT it. Unbelievable. Just look it up. This is the real, this is how he is in real life. I was in fucking Oklahoma. I drove here. Listen, I got to rent the car. This fucking rent the car says 29 miles or whatever per gallon. I thought that that was how much gas I had. I ran out of gas. I didn't know what to do. I called the fucking Uber. I says, come over here. I'm gonna give you$100, go get the tank, and come in and fucking look out for me. He goes, how do you know I can trust you? I said, I'm a fucking degenerate game, but I'm taking a shot. Let me tell you my history with Lil' Mo.

52:43Brian Redban:I can't remember what or why or how, but we were all out one night, me, him, and Shane. And Shane's like, you gotta meet my friend, this is Lil' Mo. And he was like this, right? And I'm like, this guy's not even real. And then after about five or ten minutes, we hung out the rest of the night. He had me absolutely cracking up. I don't even smoke pot. I'm looking forward to smoking pot again tonight. Yeah, you're gonna smoke pot tonight. I don't smoke pot. I go to the table, I get anxiety. Did you smoke it a lot when you were... Oh, God. Smoking right now. Oh, God. A little Moe. A little Moe's about to be eating bull testicles in Oklahoma.

53:20Juju fucking Charlie was an engineer. I got a little bull out of it. What are you on, the Ozempic? I'm on the Majada. How you doing, Theo? Manjaro sounds Italian. You know how you say air conditioning in time? You used to sell air conditioning? I used to do air conditioning. That's what I did for a living. Oh, yeah. My coach worked in HVAC for a while. Does he? Yeah, he did. Is he the helper or he's a mechanic? He passed away. Oh, he did? Yeah. You know when you worked blue-collar. He was, uh, yeah, he would get in there, you know, he goes... You say air conditioning in time, you just say eke-dish.

53:55Eke-dish. That's how you're saying.

53:58Brian Redban:Tell us more about... Fuckin' staring at him, he's a jinx, this guy. Yeah. This motherfucker from the past over here. We, you know, we always have all these different shapes and sizes of characters. I'm Italian, I don't sound like you. I'm not from New York, I'm from Youngstown. Let me tell you something, you had some guy on the other day, he had a Gobba Ghoul shirt. Yeah. He was a fake Italian. I saw that, yeah. That's what made me cum. Yeah. I said, you need the real fuckin' thing. And that's what I was just going to say is we never get any fucking real Italian. Nobody does. They act Italian.

54:30Brian Redban:There's no real one. I'm the only one left. Tell us more. Teach us some more. It's true. It really is true. There's nothing. I swear to God, me and this guy sat at the end of a bar cracking up for fucking hours because I couldn't get enough of it. It's who he really is. Give us some more of your Italian New York wisdom, little Mo.

54:50If you don't speak Italian, all you need to know how to do is say this. What do you want to do? How you doing? I don't want no problems. That's exactly right. Tell us about Brooklyn. What is it about it? All right, it's old school change now. You know, back in the day, it was different. You know, you hang out on a stoop. You know what I mean? A girl walks by, you go, how you doing? You know, different levels. Different how you doing. You don't want to throw a fiver, how you doing, you know? You get how you doing. Because she might get, you know, she'll get a little cocky. You don't want to get cocky.

55:20Yeah, exacerbated or whatever. Yeah, you got to bring it down a notch, you know what I'm saying? My friend's sister, man, I remember the first girl, I said, how you doing to her? Yeah. She was a sweetheart, you know? Oh, yeah. I brought her a nice pair of shoes. She goes, how do I look at them? I said, take them out of the fucking box, you dummy.

55:43How you doing? We got any Jewish guys on here?

55:47Brian Redban:Oh, yeah, they're out there. They don't make any noise anymore. How you Jew-in? They're laying low right now. Jews are hiding in the dark right now. They'll throw... Counting in the dark. So what else we got about being Italian? I mean, I absolutely love it. You know, I just found a great Italian place that I've been telling everybody about, Baldinucci's here in Austin, Texas. And I love it. I've been ordering from there continuously. I'm talking about... You know what's crazy about Italian? You can name any piece of food, and you can make it sound like a dick. Here's my brazo. I got the brazo right here.

56:26Hide the salami. Look at my little fucking pasta fazool. You can make it anything. Yeah, show me that brazo. You know what I'm saying? Show me that brazo. Where are the real Italians at? Like, where, honestly, if we were going to go look for some Italians, or if people wanted to find some Italians? Well, we have our own culture. We're Italian-American. We're different. Italians don't even like us, really. Really? They do a little bit because they got to deal with us. I'll fucking kick them out of the fucking country. Where are the realest ones in America still at? If you want to get the most...

56:56Well, you got something in Chicago and shit. You got where he's from. Youngstown is Italians. But in New York, we got Brooklyn, the Bronx. Staten Island, too. Staten Island's got a lot of Italians. Queens got... All the five boroughs got Italians.

57:08Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen.

57:20We have a new day for you. Hey!

57:28Brian Redban:Lil Drewski did whiteface. Drewski did whiteface. And now D-Madness is doing whiteface. This is incredible.

57:44Brian Redban:You never know what can happen here on Kill Tony. Every once in a while. I gotta go to Brooklyn, Theo. You're from New Orleans? Are you from New Orleans? Are you from New Orleans? Shane, fucking blind as a bat. Are you from New Orleans? I'm from outside of New Orleans. I used to go there when I was a kid. What were you guys doing over there? My friend had a place. I used to go to the Abbey. Remember the Abbey? It was like a late night joint. I'm serious. You got chicken fingers and shit? The Abbey? No. There was a place, Maiden Voyage? Maiden Voyage, yeah. Come on. Keep it on the low. I just remembered it You know it Yeah I'll forget it again I'm sure But yeah I did remember it You guys still like the fucking memory Mo Maiden Voyage was a little bit It was fun It was okay

58:31People like different stuff I didn't like it I like Boston better You like Boston? Yeah I like Boston I like Boston too I didn't think they would like me out there But they liked me What? What'd you think that about me everywhere? Because I'm Italian Like, they're not gonna talk to you. No, Boston's got a lot of Irish. When we were kids, the Irish and the Chinese used to fight all the time. So I figured I went to Boston, they'll beat the shit out of me if they like me. We need more of that shit. You need the old school shit back, right? Yeah. You believe in stereotypes? When it comes to dicks, I think it's true.

59:00I'm gonna tell you why. I look at people's dicks in the urine once in a while. Gay. Not because I'm gay. I'm gonna tell you what it is. Yeah, what is it? I'm gonna tell you what it is. My grandfather was ugly and he had no money. And he banged my grandma for 50 years, she stayed with him. So I asked her, she goes, because she's... So it made me start looking. I says, let me see what people are working with. This way I can have an edge. You know what I mean? And then what happened? You look like this. You go like this. Look, you go like you didn't take a piss. And you go, peek-a-boo. Now, if they got a little guy, you could blackmail him.

59:38Or you could pump their ego up. Like, you go like... You know, if it's your boss or something, right up the fucking corporate ladder.

59:53Brian Redban:How you doing? Lil Mo, I fucking love you. You gotta follow this guy on Instagram. Do it. Here's a big joke book, Lil Mo. I'm gonna throw it to you. Boom, praise God, baby. Mix and nose to Lil Mo Moxer out. Lil Mo, how long are you in town for? I'm saying two nights. So when do you leave? I don't know. Two fucking nights from now. You look like a fucking magician over here. Hey, real quick, Lil Mo. Real quick. Jump back on that mic real quick. I don't want no problems. What's the best show you've ever seen in New York City? You're true New York, right? Yeah. All the way. The Rockettes. No, no.

1:00:30Brian Redban:DMX. DMX. Where'd you see him at? I see him at Summer Jam. Where the fuck is that? Is that New York? No, it might be Jersey. Okay. Where the fuck did I see the Warriors? I don't know. What shows have you seen at Madison Square Garden? Shane's. What? Just Shane's. Nice. That's it, I did a divorce of God firm in Madison Square Garden. Well, I'll tell you what, I find you to be so interesting and so compelling. We're doing two nights at Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th. Will you come on stage and do a minute on there? Between New York and Loma Mozzarella. Let me say one thing. Yeah. I'm on top of the world, Ma!

1:01:08On top of the world!

1:01:10Brian Redban:Hell yeah. How you doing? and Lil Mo Mozzarella, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, guys. Thanks, Sonya, the man. Absolutely. I can sing, too. How about one more time for the cameo of Shane Gillis, everybody? What a crazy world we're living in where the biggest comedian in the world stops in and pretends to be blind for 10 seconds. He'll be hosting the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th, live on Netflix. It's going to be a hell of a roast. I'll be there roasting yet again on the biggest roast of all time the roast of Kevin Hart May 10th two days earlier me and Jelly Roll are at the Greek Theater and a reminder this Friday Busboys starring Theo Vaughn and David Spade out in theaters everywhere go to a movie theater people buy some popcorn and a large soda enjoy yourself throw extra butter on it This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

1:02:12Brian Redban:You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19 ,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs. So you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. ladies and gentlemen your next fucking poll everybody goes by the name of t austin everybody

1:02:46what's up what's up what's up now i came out here i'm a little angry but i'm not angry with y 'all i don't like the motherfuckers that's outside so i came up with a few ways to destroy the world and i only got a minute to do so the first one would be for you religious motherfuckers i want whoever you believe in, Jesus, Jesus, Mohammed, whoever, I hope you come, so that way the rest of us can be out here screaming like, holy shit, you can't say that shit, because God is here. The second way, you already got Donald Trump in there doing this thing, working on Israel, we working on them bombs, that would be funny, but fuck that, we're living that one.

1:03:22Now, the third way, fucking thriller, I want my goddamn zombies, I've been watching The walking dead. I've been practicing my motherfucking shit. Michael getting ready to come out. I'm going to see that shit. I want to live it. The fourth way that I, because it could be anything. You guys, I could drop a bomb of peanuts in here and drop half of you motherfuckers. The fourth way that I believe that we deserve it because Donald Trump said it's true. It's goddamn aliens. We're already here. Thank y 'all. I'm T. Austin.

1:03:56Brian Redban:T. Austin, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees. I'm going to check out with John Dees here. What did he just say? Bunch of shit. It's now dumber. Everyone in this room is now dumber. And you're welcome for it. Okay, welcome, T. How long have you been doing stand-up, my dear friend? I have been doing stand-up off and on for about maybe six years, my dog. Six years. Six years. Where at? San Antonio. Okay. I'm originally from Georgia. Georgia. I can't tell, yeah. All right. I was in Texas for 20 years, though, so I'm officially a DSTB as well as a DSGB. Bad motherfucker all the way around. What's a DSTB?

1:04:41Oh, that's a down south Texas boy. I'm a down south Georgia boy. Oh, okay. Pastor Troy, that's my dog. Okay. I don't know him, but I listen to the music. And what does the T stand for? T. It's a letter. Just A, B, C, D. E, F, T, yeah. Wow. Hey, you see, I kept my hand in my pocket. I ain't got no fingerprints. I don't want nobody telling on me. Okay.

1:05:09Brian Redban:Again, I really need a translator. I hear everything you're saying, brother. T. Austin, what do you not do for work? What do I not do for work? Well, I am a retired drug dealer. I used to sell marijuana. Okay. But then it became legal, and them bitches took it from a pocket. But now, I work at a grocery store, and I give out samples to nice folks like you white people here in front of me today. All right. Look at you working at the grocery store. See? Nice. Yeah, I'm broke than a bitch. I need a job, Tom. Let's check it out. And who likes a sample the most? Who's the most? When you're in there, if you're working, like, if you're in the sample streets, who is the person that, you know what I'm saying?

1:05:47Take me through some of them samplers. All right. So, look. I got folks that come through. I got my everyday people that... Let me try to talk a little bit clearer. So I have everyday people that like to come in and they will eat what I make because it is very, very delicious, but the sumbitches don't buy it. I don't care about you loving what I make. I care about you buying it. But putting a smile on people's faces just like I'm doing with y 'all.

1:06:18Brian Redban:There you go. All right. There's a lot there. We love the enunciation. You asked the question. And who the worst people that come through there? Who's the worst type of sampler? Yeah, if you had to describe what they look like. Ooh, check this out. I won't, but I'll describe their pocket. They got a lot of money. All right. People with a lot of money be mean as fuck. Really? What's the meanest thing anybody's ever said to you while you're handing out sales? Oh, you know what? You didn't do it, and I was surprised because I heard about you, but I didn't take it like that. But they come up and they say, my brother.

1:06:50Yeah, I get it. Yeah. I'm not your brother. I don't know you. And I tell them, no, sir, I do not understand what you're saying to me right now.

1:06:59Brian Redban:You say that to the white people that say that. I didn't say that. You said that. I say that to anybody who say that. But if you want to say it's white people, sir, I'll take that, too. But if a black guy came up to you and said, my brother, delicious sample. It depends on how he say it. All right. How about how I said it? I would, it depends on how you say it. All right. What if I was like, my brother, delicious sample.

1:07:23I'd be like, well, thank you, sir. And I really do appreciate that.

1:07:28Brian Redban:All right, perfect. If you would have said anything else, I would have asked to speak to your manager. I appreciate this shit. I really didn't know I was going to get called on here. It is really a fucking honor. I hope I did good for y 'all. I'll fuck with it. I hope I get called again. Are you closing out your own interview right now? I'm nervous. My stomach hurts, bro. I am so nervous. It's what happens. You're in the big leagues. I ain't never finished. We know you didn't think you were gonna get called. That's how the show works. And it's also you're dressed for not getting called. Hey, I got off of work and came here.

1:08:00Brian Redban:You did it. I'm poor. I have to work. Type shit. So I got a bucket. You see me? You'll see me. Put it in my pocket. I'll help your boy out. There you go. Love y 'all. Catch him at Trader Jamal's. T Austin, everybody. See-ho doing his classic meet and greet.

1:08:22Brian Redban:Trademark, standing ovation for everyone. Scary thing. It is. I could never do that. Yeah, you could. I'm out there for, I could not do it. We used to do three minutes at the Comedy Store, at the open mics. Three minutes, but you've been practicing for a long time. It just feels very, it feels extreme to me. Well, yeah, it is. Carry on. It's the thing. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Brian Stupak. Brian Stupak.

1:08:55Hey, everybody. So I'm a man, so I get a little discouraged about the double standard that exists online between men and women. For example, a girl can post herself at the beach wearing a bikini, gets thousands of likes, hundreds of comments from other girls. Saying things like, yes, queen. Slay girl. Pop off diva. I say one innocent comment, like, wow, what a babe, and I get blasted. They say creep. They say loser. Or most often they say, wow, dude, she's only 11. Can you believe this, people?

1:09:32So I don't do many impressions. I do one. This is my impression of a Latina. But not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeous. So give me a second while I get in a character. Soy Mexicana, soy Mexicana, soy Mexicana. No, no, no, sí, sí, sí, okay, listo. I'm breaking up with you, Brian.

1:09:57Brian Redban:Okay, Brian Stupak. Welcome, Brian. Is this your first time on the show? Sure is. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? Since June. Where at? Mostly 6th Street. You live here in Austin? Yeah, I work next door. What made you want to start six months ago? It's a long story, but I ran out of money in Italy, and my buddies, like, come stay with me and try stand-up comedy. So I was like, all right. Where was that? In Italy? You're in Italy. You ran out of money. Your buddies, like, come move in. He lives in Kyle. He lives here? Yes. Okay. Yes. All right. Yeah. So where'd you live before that?

1:10:32So I'm from Northern California, but I do a lot of travel. So I spent, like, most of the last 10, 15 years traveling. I'm a linguist, so I travel to learn languages. I'll pick up odd jobs.

1:10:42Brian Redban:Can you teach the last guy how to talk? I mean, I can help people that... I can't help lost causes, you know? Right. Okay. How did you run out of money in Italy, exactly? What did you do out there? So I published an Italian book, and I had this idea where I could promote it. I was going to walk the length of Italy with 100 copies of my book in a shopping cart, and I was going to push it the length of Italy, trading it every day for food and lodging. Wow. And when I got to Rome, I ran out of books and I ran out of money. And so I was like, you know, I was just waiting in the airport there for five days till my book royalties came in.

1:11:16And then I flew home. All things lead to Rome, they say, isn't it? Right. There it is. Yeah. Yeah.

1:11:22Brian Redban:It's true. Italy itself was actually a pivot, too. Yeah. Yeah. I tried to I tried to walk Africa before that. Oh, yeah. Not a lot of book buyers out there. No, no, no. No, that one was just for me. That was for fun. Uh-huh. Yeah. I made it a third of the way. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What was that like? It was nice. It was great. So I went from Cape Town, South Africa, to the Democratic Republic of Congo. So I did, like, all of South Africa, all of Namibia, all of Angola. And then when I got to the border of the DRC, I kept getting robbed. So I... By who?

1:11:59I'm gonna get a guess.

1:12:00Brian Redban:Yeah. When you say kept getting robbed, how many times do you think you were robbed? No, it was three in a week and a half. Yeah. Yeah. So it was the first time I just got jumped by, like, high school age kids. Can I show you? It's, yeah. You're going to show me, like, a what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, you're safe. You work with all those kids. I'm so confused how we went. So it was, they were like, so it was like, um, like. You need me to stand up for this thing or something? Kind of. What? Brian. You don't have to. You don't have to. Let's not make the award-winning artist do anything written by you, Brian.

1:12:34Brian Redban:So, um, no, they were, they weren't, like, they were kind of, um... Fucking people. Hey, can I use you like a mannequin there? Just leave your Grammys at the table. Just stand up for me. I'm a random fucking open-miker that has six months of experience. And Jelly's ready for it. I was in, dude. He is. He's down to play. I was like, fuck, I'm down, dog. At this point, I kind of want to see it. Fuck. Let's go. Let's go. This is still turning where clearly anything can happen. So they were like 6 '3", 120. So I'm walking behind. I am fucking flattered. Yeah. Yeah. So they're walking behind, and I wasn't sure what he was trying to do.

1:13:17So he grabs me by the back, and he like... And I was like, what? And then he kept doing it. Like, he's like, you know? And so I fought them off. And that's all I was... You're good now. That was it. Wow.

1:13:30Brian Redban:Just as stupid as I thought it would be, everybody. Brian Stupak needing a human for that act out but the second time was a little bit scary they had AK-47s, they put one in my mouth no way you get hard? good question, Red Band completely redeeming himself the question everybody wanted to ask

1:13:55what's up, did it get hard?

1:13:57Brian Redban:did you get hard? I stay hard, Tony oh very good Yeah, there you go. There you go. Hard. And then the third time, it was, like, there were men with Michelle. No, no, no, no. You can't just breeze through that. Yeah. You can't just breeze through it. What exactly did they... I gotta hear how this one happened. Yeah, what did they get out of you? What did they rob out of you? At that time, so I was in Luanda, Angola, which is the capital of Angola, and I just, I was doing a... Sounds safe. Go ahead. I had a, I just had, like, my phone and my money on me, because I left, I was staying with the local there, so I had, like, my backpack with them, so that wasn't on me.

1:14:28And they... You were just pointing at my fanny pack? No. Where's the money? Okay. No, it was just in my pocket. I was just going to a TV interview. It was like six in the morning. How much cash do you think you had on you? Like 90 bucks. Okay. Yeah, so, you know, it's like a lot there, but I was... Yeah. It's a lot anywhere, man. Yeah.

1:14:44Brian Redban:Yeah. Especially there. Yeah, so as I was walking, I was stupid. Like, I just had my phone out using GPS, and I'm like... Oh, yeah. Fuck. I'd rob you if I saw you using your phone. And then I, yeah, as I'm walking, there were like two guys sitting on a stoop and they ran in opposite directions. I was like, okay, this is interesting. And then they came back with AKs. Yeah. They speak Portuguese and English. They're like, fica, fica, fica, fica, which means stay in Portuguese. And so I had my phone and I was just like, you know. Right, exactly. Yeah. They could have used fucking those guns that just say bang with the flag that comes out.

1:15:20Well, it was frustrating because it was like a five foot two inch. It was like Kevin Hart was robbing me, you know. It was like, it was really emasculating. And then one of the guys, when he was emptying my pockets, I did have my sunscreen on me. Oh. Yeah.

1:15:34Brian Redban:The one thing they allowed you to keep. No, they took that too. They took that too. And I was like, you don't need this. Right. But what happened was the guy dropped it and that panicked the other guy with the gun. And he hit me and I was like, I'm not even doing anything. All right. And then the third time. So I was at the border of the DRC and I was walking and guys walked by me. And it was a fisherman group. So it's like one guy's carrying fish, another three are carrying machetes. And so they're like... Oh, the old fish machete trick. So that sounds bad, but it's not terribly uncommon in that part of the world.

1:16:06You see people walking with machetes. Like, I'd walked hundreds of miles with people with machetes. But these people, what made it sketchy was they turned around, and they started following me. And I was like, all right, maybe I dropped something. I didn't. So I picked up my speed. They picked up their speed. I started jogging. They started jogging. Took off into the jungle. then they chased me into the jungle. But there's like a, like the brush was about this high. So I like found a spot to hide. And they're like looking for me for like 45 minutes. I'm like hiding on top of my bag. And then they eventually left, but I waited another few hours because they could have just been waiting on the road, you know?

1:16:40Of course. And I'm like hearing things rustle in the bushes this whole time. And the previous week or so, I'd seen half a dozen black mambas or so across the road. So I'm just like, maybe it's time to come home. Yeah.

1:16:50Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so. I'm coming home, tell the world I'm coming home. Can we still sing Diddy? Huh? What? Who sings that? Diddy. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I like, yeah, I just like the song. It was a medium joke book, my friend. There goes Brian Stubick, everybody. We're flying through it here tonight. Yeah. K-pop Demon Hunters, Haja Boys Breakfast Meal, and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

1:17:28It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

1:17:42Brian Redban:And participate in McDonald's while supplies last. Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink? Or a sweet vanilla? Smooth caramel, maybe. Or white chocolate mocha. Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. You guys still having fun out there? You get it? Make some noise for your next Bucket Bowl, ladies and gentlemen. It's Luke Robinson, everybody. Luke Robinson.

1:18:14Elon Musk is making Neuralink so people can talk to their pets. aww now they can tell us just how much they love us I don't know but I've thought about it fucking a lot imagine dog dads having the neuter talk after a painful conversation about cutting their balls off they'd be like please poppy I promise to keep my pecker in my pants dudes would be so traumatized they'd never neuter dogs ever again and the straight population would go way out of control And if dogs didn't talk, they can understand TV. Imagine coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN. Poppy, she's so smart. Next day, dog's on the doorstep of a shelter with a note, good dog, but he's a fucking Democrat.

1:19:09Thank you, I'm Luke Robinson. They call me your big dog. Thank you.

1:19:13Brian Redban:Luke Robinson, amazing. Very, very compelling. It's very... Good job, man. Yeah. Luke, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my fifth time on stage. Fifth time. Talking to that microphone. Fifth time on stage. And how did the other four times go? First time was in Memphis. No, I'm sorry. First time was in Little Rock. Memphis was second. Third was Creek. Third was LOL in San Antonio. And that's when I got my first positive feedback from the audience that my writing is really solid. I do a lot of dog jokes. I'm a big dog guy. Yeah. You specialize in dog material.

1:19:57I noticed that. I do. I've lost three dogs to cancer. I've walked 4 ,200...

1:20:04Brian Redban:Wow. I mean, starting with how many dogs you've lost to cancer is something else. That is incredible. Yeah. What are you, what? I, I... You lost three dogs to cancer? Not all at the same time. What is going on? No, but still, dude, quit doing that. Are you giving them cigarettes? I should cut back on the cools, right? Yeah. Well, what are you doing, man? Well, my first one was bone cancer, and that was in Boston. I don't want to hurt... Look, I know, yes, bone cancer happens in Boston, but what I'm saying is... Dude, give it up and do something else. Yeah. It's like not get a dog, absolutely. Unfortunately, I'm on my fifth Pyrenees, so.

1:20:45Brian Redban:Oh, you started with how many dogs have died under your tutelage. How many have survived? Do you have any living dogs? I have one. He's three-legged, though, so... Oh, my God, what is happening? How did your dog lose its leg? Well, that was abuse. Before me. Not me. Oh. I got him, they... The people before him left him outside, tied to a tree, had lacerated his leg, they amputated, and I... Before I got him, I fostered him, and he was like, Poppy, I'll be the best son to you. Please adopt me. I signed the papers after that. He's been the most ungrateful Great Pyrenees I've ever had. He's grateful.

1:21:23Ungrateful. Most ungrateful Great Pyrenees I've ever had. Check in with Jelly Roll here. This is really close to sounding like a Jelly Roll song. Well, my ex that kind of is, I kind of exited my first dog, kind of is, is I moved to Boston. My first dog got cancer. My girlfriend left me. and she took the truck, so I totally became a country song. Wow. Cliche. But I ended up walking, after losing three dogs, I've walked a total of 4 ,250 miles, sort of the foundation, where we try to understand why dogs get cancer like people. So I try to turn the lost. Did you walk across America or Africa? America three different times.

1:22:01Austin to Boston was my first one. Wow. Then the West Coast from Canada to Mexico was my second one. My last one, my third one, was the entire length of the Hudson River because I lost Hudson was the third dog I lost to cancer. Wow. And round of applause for doing that, man.

1:22:18Brian Redban:Yeah. Red Band takes a pedicab to his condo four blocks away. I'm a cat guy. But he's also going to lose a leg soon. You can join me on my next walk and you can join me, but I have to lose another dog to cancer first. What was your favorite walk, to be honest? It's just interesting, somebody that walked that many places. Austin to Boston was the best one. That was 2 ,300 miles over two years with my two dogs. Why was it the best, though? That's kind of hard. The West Coast was just weird altogether. And they say they're animal-friendly, but when you look like a homeless guy walking with a dog, they don't treat you like you're a part of theirs.

1:23:04So it was just a different experience, I find the people from the Austin of Boston. I walked across 16 states, including D.C., and the people were just incredible. It was just like nothing. Nothing you see on TV, nothing could speak to that experience. It's just like selling all your stuff, putting everything in storage, and just walking with your dogs cross-country. It was so much grace and glory in that experience. How do you make money? Look at me. I'm 55. I'm up here on the stage trying out for economies. I've been doing this since I lost my first dog 20 years ago. You've been doing what? Not living in the nonprofit world, trying to solve canine cancer, companion animal cancer.

1:23:42Brian Redban:Do you think that solving canine cancer is more important than solving human cancer? Well, what science has taught us, this is the interesting thing, especially with dog cancer, it's pretty much the same thing. Like 90 % of all cancers dogs get, that people get, look, they look the same, They act the same. It's kind of one of the things that science has taught us. Right. Some people say a lot of it's from Chobani yogurt. Have you seen all of that? Yeah. Yeah. Could be. Allegedly. Do dogs get more breast cancer than normal animals because of all the nipples and stuff? Yes, they do get. Great question.

1:24:23Do they? Yeah, they do get mammary cancer.

1:24:31Have you ever been fat? Have you ever been what? Have you ever been fat? Fat? Yeah. Absolutely. I used to be a sugar guy, totally. Yeah, like, have you lost a lot of weight? A lot, yeah. How much? Probably about 100 pounds. I know you have. You look fantastic, by the way. Cheers to that. I can tell. I know my kind when I see them. You look like you got Ed Gaines lampshades under there. I know that feeling. I got some Buffalo Bills shit happening right here, too, dude. It's bad.

1:24:58Brian Redban:Yeah. That's very funny. Very funny, very true observation by Jelly Roll. I'm now looking at it. Your belt is made of belt loops. There are belt loops everywhere. The titties is where you're supposed to look. You can see the tail. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got the skin where titties once was. I'm struggling with the same thing. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Incredible. So let me ask you this. What's your love life like? You're out there walking dogs, three-legged dogs. You must get a lot of... Well, it's a lot better than it was 100 pounds ago. I can promise you that. Yeah. Yeah, no, when you're on the road and you're walking, man, And you smell like basically piss and dog ass all the time.

1:25:33You look like a homeless guy. So there's, yeah. So it's been a while since I've had, you know, it's been a dry spell. So it's been a long time. That's okay, man. So, yeah. That's okay. Yeah. What was I going to say something? Oh, do you have a, what is your nonprofit called? It's puppy up. So, like, some people down in Texas say cowboy up or man up. We puppy up. So that was my battle cry from my first walk because I knew it was going to be long and hard. So we puppy up, y 'all.

1:26:11Brian Redban:Absolutely adorable. We all have to puppy up in life. Definitely. Here you go, my friend. There's a medium-sized joke. Oh! Wow, you got a little dog in you. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Luke Robinson. There he goes. There he goes. Very dog cancer heavy eight minutes that was. You guys still hanging in there? Next one, next bucket pool, Matt Campbell, everybody. Matt Campbell. Here we go.

1:26:55Hello. Has anyone got crap nicknames? Show of hands if they have a crap nickname. No? Just me? Fuck you guys. Alright. No, I just wanted to say, because like, you know, when you get a crap nickname like Booger Face or like Numpty or something horrible like that... Jelly Rolls. Maybe you could attest. Maybe you could attest. I don't know. But it always comes from the ones you love. You know what I mean? It's never from people you hate. Like, my granddad, when I was a fat kid, called me Buster Bacon.

1:27:35Not as bad as my little brother. He called him Adolf. And his justification for that was is whenever he screamed, he got exactly what he wanted. I mean, he could have called him Donald. It would have worked the same.

1:27:53It's all right, though. My dad sealed the name deal with my brother because my brother came out of the closet, and his name's Benedict. That's already... I'm British. My brother's name's Benedict. I'm already at a good start. And my brother on the couch just yells, Dad, the door is ringing. And my dad just goes, Yeah, Bendy Dick.

1:28:14Brian Redban:All right. Over his time. Matt Campbell. Welcome, Matt. You want to finish that, or were you done there? Well, I was just going to say my brother's name was bendy dick after that that was uh okay all right well what are you english yeah okay how long you been in america uh i've been in america about nine years now all right yeah okay where at uh i lived in colorado springs for like eight years and then i moved here like seven months ago so like almost nine years i've been in america if i do the math right yeah okay What school did you go to? Hogwarts? I do look like a bit of, like, I'm wearing, like, a Weasley sweater right now.

1:28:59There's no... fuck. What do you do for work? I wait tables now. Oh, okay. I used to be a valet at W Hotel, but now I wait tables.

1:29:10Brian Redban:Okay, where are you waiting tables at? Cousin Louie's. Shout-out Cousin Louie's up at Dripping Springs. Great place to work. All right. And that's where you live, Dripping Springs? Yeah, no. I don't live there. I live just 10 minutes outside of town. So it's a bit of a drive. So you have to drive a long time. Yeah, it's worth it. The money's pretty good. Okay. And are you Welsh, lad? No, not a drop. Not a drop. And what does it mean to be Welsh? What it means to be Welsh is you shag sheep for fun. Oh. I'll stand by that. I don't care. Yeah, I don't know them. I'm just being curious about them.

1:29:48uh talk to me about the nickname what was it again buster bacon it was buster bacon yeah they were gonna call me fat back at first and then because i like jelly donuts and my mama didn't know the difference between a jelly donut and a goddamn jelly roll that she called me jelly roll that was it because i ate bacon sandwiches that's a true story did a lot of people have nicknames where you're from um mostly like rude names like knobhead wanker there's a couple other ones but like we i mean we did that too but we would make that would be their name like we had one guy named shit stain i'm not making this up and we all called him shit his whole life i never knew his real name to this day shout out shit i love you baby i ain't seen you in a while i miss you dog Shout out shit.

1:30:35Doo-doo Brown. I had a dew bug, a tingling. You had tingling? There was a tingling.

1:30:42Brian Redban:This is all true nicknames. You came to the neighborhood with nicknames too, right? Well, yeah, but I actually, a little fun fact, since you brought it up, is we once did, in Nashville, Tennessee, a roast of jelly roll. And you're a smart guy, because you did your roast when you were still humongous. And you gave us a lot to work with, and I just so happened to search my phone for Jelly Roll Roast and I found an entire file of jokes that I did on Jelly Roll.

1:31:13Brian Redban:I said... You can't hear a couple of jellies? I said Jelly Roll is Lizzo for rednecks. I called him Leonard Skidmark.

1:31:25Brian Redban:Hold on. Limp Bizkit and Gravy? this is a long file i did a lot of jokes that night there's a lot there jelly roll is your favorite musician if your favorite meal is corn dog

1:31:42Brian Redban:there's a lot here i don't even know where to begin you already started yeah oh there's a this is a gigantic file i know there's a part where there's a lot of jelly roll You can see what I'm... He's still scrolling. I thought we were friends. There's a part where I had... The more you scroll, the more personal it feels. At the end, I remember I went on a run of band fucking music puns, but now I've lost. I can't find it now. It doesn't matter. I'd give anything to hear that again. It's a live show. You're more of a churro now, though, bro. You know? I was going to say all of God and bread steak, but, you know, he's doing well.

1:32:24Brian Redban:Sinclair. Sinclair. Tell us more about your gay British life. Is it fun being British or does it just seem like it's whatever? Does it even seem like you're doing anything? I did recently... It seems so docile and fucking confused and librarian-ish.

1:32:43I did get asked for my papers recently. That was a fun experience. At like, you know. Yeah. At my job. Just trying to wait tables. Oh, yeah, yeah. What'd they think you were? I don't know. I have no idea what they thought I was. I said, hello, madam. How can I help you today? Where are your papers? That was the first thing before I could even get to the menu. Wow. I was trying to give her some, like, eggplant rollatini or something.

1:33:07Brian Redban:Yeah. How do you do with the ladies? I've got a girlfriend. Okay. She's Texan? She's in Colorado, but she's from Wyoming. Okay. How's that going? It's going pretty good. You guys talk on the phone a lot? It is a lot on FaceTime. You guys have phone sex? Nah, I can't do it. Really? Dude, it's too weird, bro. Also, I don't know who the fuck's listening, dude. You guys are all cool with that. You have no idea who's listening. You're like, you're just like flicking your bean and just going, eh, eh. Did you interrupt the call? What the fuck was that? I just figured we're gonna be listening to, like all of us are gonna have like our porn soundtracks whenever we do something too famous.

1:33:48You know what I mean? Just coming out. I'd be worried. Would you, lad?

1:33:57Sorry, I'm just joking. See, my accent's not funny. It's other people doing my accent, which is funny. I love British people, dude. I like Scottish people, actually. And I like Irish people. And I like British people.

1:34:14Brian Redban:You haven't exactly narrowed it down, but yes, we're doing well. What's the craziest gig you've done here in America, stand-up-wise? I did a show in Houston where they were all, it was like a drug bazaar. Ah, drug bazaar. Drug bazaar, drug bazaar. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah. What do you mean drug bazaar? Like everyone was just like, like I went to like, like go to the green room and on my way it's just like tables full of like molly, acid, weed, mushrooms. where this is houston this is houston where exactly in houston is this table i could i could find like the details on my phone later we don't really i have prayed for a green room like that my entire career this is how i imagined the 80s were before phones existed it felt a little bit like that dope everywhere people having fun dude i i got this thing one time so i had to do a comedy show at there was something at like the golden um bridge or whatever in california it's like the really nice bridge golden gay bridge golden gay bridge yeah even even i know that one yeah well i don't know yeah i don't yeah that's what it is and so anyway i do this thing and it's all it's like a weed conference right and my set was at like 11 15 or something at night i get up and there's nobody in there there's like one dude who's dressed like a boat captain or something this motherfucker is he's lost and somebody left somebody up front that like had left a sibling up front that was um kind of mentally ill or whatever you know one of god's oysters or whatever and uh but bro they didn't put like a little sign on him or anything so i'm fucking this dude is like giving me a lot of grief and shit and i they got me so high before the I think, bro, it was just so...

1:36:12It was embarrassing and sad, bro. And it was just like, God, that was harrowing, bro. That was harrowing. I mean, I was... That sounds terrible. That's why we left your country, dude.

1:36:29So we could do shit like that.

1:36:33Brian Redban:I'll tell you what, it's why I left, that's for sure. Matt Campbell, congratulations. There's a little joke book. There he goes, Matt Campbell, everybody. I keep it moving along here. We're flying right through it. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Anthony Martin, everybody. Anthony Martin. Here comes Anthony. Okay.

1:37:00Hello. I'm in a YouTube rabbit hole right now. Anyone else? Yeah. I'm into young bros beating up pedophiles on the internet. Have you seen this? Oh, my goodness. It's phenomenal. The way it works, it's like a young bro starts catfishing a pedophile, meets him out in a Walmart. He's just like, hey, you looking for Rebecca? I'm Rebecca. Just hits him. Bounces off the chips aisle. He's like, leave me alone. He's running through. He crashes through a giant soda tower that looks like the University of Texas. And I like these videos, but I started to feel guilty when you find out that these guys, they have autism.

1:37:40or mental disabilities, or they're running for re-election. And I just feel guilty. I feel guilty. I was texting with my fiancé the other day, and I was saying all the dirty stuff of, like, yeah, I'm gonna take you down, flip you around, all over town, all that. And I, uh... Not good at it. But, uh, I send the text, and I immediately get a response back from my mother-in-law. I said, Anthony, never text me that again. come say it to my face.

1:38:13Brian Redban:Anthony Martin, everybody. Hell yeah. Funny stuff. Anthony, where are you from? I'm from Burbank, California. Okay, wow. The former home of The Tonight Show. Yeah, Red Band used to live there. I used to live there. What part of Burbank exactly? I used to live... Alameda and Victory? No. Mariposa? Right on Glen Oaks. Glen Oaks and... Oh, you still live there. My family still lives there. Oh, wow, yeah, we don't want these fans tracking down your family. It's a bunch of angry pedophiles. Your son was making jokes about us getting beaten up. Fuck your son. No, we'll fuck your son. Bring me your son.

1:38:55Brian Redban:Anthony, what do you do for a living? I work in property management. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 10 years. 10 years, and you're managing property in Burbank? No, I live in Portland, Oregon right now. I got engaged, and that's where her family lives. Okay. All right. Portland's nice. It is nice. It gets like a crazy rap because of all the people, like the... Because all the people that live there? No, just like the Renaissance Fair people fighting the fucking gay addicts or whatever. Whatever the shit is. You know what I'm saying? The shit that was on the internet. But you go there, dude, it's freaking cool, man.

1:39:31Brian Redban:Yeah, the food there is great. I really like the food. Yeah. They do have good food. There's that one big food court. You know what I'm talking about? I didn't eat while I was there. But we had a great time. Ain't that where Voodoo Donuts is from? Yeah, Voodoo Donuts, I think, is from Portland, Oregon. Is that true? Is it? Yes. Wow. Or I'm wrong. I would know this. A very fat, angry man. This is the kind of shit I would know. This is the value I bring to tonight's show. You know the origin story of every donut place? They call me Jelly Roll for a reason. It could be the origin story. Only the ones that are legal as marijuana states.

1:40:09Oh, okay. From a small dozen in Antioch.

1:40:16Brian Redban:I love it. Anthony, where'd you meet this girl at? Funny enough, Tinder. Okay, yeah. She was in Portland, and you were in Burbank, and you're like, what's up? Well, we met in California, and then, funny story, I knew I loved her from, like, the moment we met. Like I met her and I was like, God, I love her so much. And it's like, creepy. I know, I know, I know how it felt. Did you tell her that? No, no, no, no, no, no, fuck no. Are you insane? Say it, it's insane. No. You have to not say it. No, I met her, I knew that immediately. And then she told me she was moving to Portland, Oregon. And I was like, oh fuck.

1:40:56And then I was like, oh yeah, that's cool, that's fine. We wrap up the date and I go back to my car and I'm like punching the passenger seat. Like, God damn it. We end up meeting up a few years later And it just, she couldn't let me go Wow

1:41:09Brian Redban:Amazing, luckily she did not see you Beating your passenger seat aggressively Right after the date This could be you May have scared her away So you just ran into her a few years later Yeah How did that happen? COVID So you guys were like chatting again She was not texting me back that often So, ladies, if there's a guy that's texting you a lot and you're not texting him back that much, fuck you. That's a good point. That's a good point. What does she do in Portland? What does she sell on Etsy? She's a crystal farmer. No. She does remote medical work. More complicated than I can explain. Right.

1:41:58Absolutely. Are you talking about telehealth? Somewhat. I don't know. I know something insurance stuff.

1:42:07Brian Redban:It's popular. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds about right. I need telehealth. You're managing properties, so that's like apartments in Portland? Yes. So what's some of the crazy stuff that you've had to do? What's some bad stuff that you've seen? Well, I used to live here in Austin. Uh-huh. I have... For how long? How dark of a story can I tell you, Tony? Yeah, let's go. So, uh, there was... Brought to you by Shopify Talkspace PrizePix. I was... Yeah. Shout them out. I was working here in Austin, Texas a few years ago, and, you know, close to the office there was a smell. A peculiar smell that no one could...

1:42:49We were like, man, what's this smell? We gotta find the source of the smell. And eventually, we found a dead body. Wow. Yes. It had been dead for about... It's he. That was a person. He had killed himself maybe like three months ago.

1:43:05Brian Redban:Wow. Yeah. And it was just in the apartment? Yeah, right in the apartment. He prepaid his rent or whatever? Well, the reason why we couldn't find him is because he had auto pay on. Oh, wow. That's probably... I don't like my job. And the idea that they got extra money from this guy who was dead kind of bugs me. Yeah. But, yeah. Say his name. So, we find his body. No, no. I'm gonna say his mom's name, but it's because it's relevant to the story. Because, at a certain point, his mom showed up. No one could find his next of kin. His file was so old, we couldn't... It was a younger guy. His mom shows up.

1:43:46Dog had cancer.

1:43:47Brian Redban:Go ahead. Go ahead. Then what happened? But his mom shows up and she's like, hey, I'm looking for my son. and she points to that apartment right there, the one with the smell and all that. Oh. And I was just an assistant at the time, and I go to my manager. She had a family member die recently. She couldn't speak. She left the office. I had to deliver the news. I had to deliver the news. Can you tell us how you broke it? Yeah, you want to do a reenactment with Jelly Roll? Yeah, Jelly Roll.

1:44:19Yeah.

1:44:25Let's see it, is that okay? Yeah, absolutely, no, we love this. Sit, ma 'am, sit down. I just, I wanted to, there's no easy way to say this. He dead, he died, he's dead. Oh, wow. Dead. Somebody save me.

1:44:52Brian Redban:When you broke the news to her, did you leave out the part? Like, did she ask how? Did she, I mean, she had no idea. We didn't know. Man, fucking tell us, dude. We all came here tonight. We didn't know at the time. He shot his face with a shotgun. God, bro! Well, hold on. I blame, so his neighbors didn't hear anything. That's fucking wild. His neighbors were just like, I don't, that's not my business. Like, what a fucking, that's nuts. Did you happen to tell the mom that his body was decomposing for months before he was found? Yeah, no, I did. I kind of walked her through the beginning of the story.

1:45:35We had suspicions. There was a smell in the apartment. We called the police. They found the body. You never want one of your maintenance guys to walk in there and have that on their conscience. but I was sitting on the ground holding her hand while she, by the way, wails, I'll never be able to forget. They only gave me one day off of work. Wow. Who do you mean by they? Well, I still have to work with them, so...

1:46:08I'm gonna...

1:46:12Brian Redban:The old lord of the land, to the landlord. Lord of all the lands. I'm not lording over any land. I don't own any of this shit. No, I know. I'm talking about that. There's a big rich guy and he just tells me he's like going to the apartments. And I'm like, I don't, that's illegal. The rich people have no idea. Is this guy blind? No, no. Okay. Never mind. That guy's blind though. Okay. Why? Why are you curious about who's blind around you? Black on the inside, black on the outside. You feel me? You were way more cross-eyed a second ago. Maybe just relax a little too much. It's fine. He was just trying to focus on you.

1:46:52Brian Redban:Yeah. He's sitting in the closest seat. He's trying to look at both of my ears at the same time. Wow. So you found a dead body, and that's a hell of a fucking, that's a hell of a thing. Yeah. That's a hell of a thing. I'm, uh, so the point I wanted to get to is I'm holding the mom's hand. She's wailing. She's crying. And I ask her, I'm trying to comfort her. I'm like, what's your name? And she's like, huh? I'm gay. Oh, shit. Her name is, like, Gaylord, but just the gay part. I tried not to laugh. That's not a... Yeah. That's a terrible... It's so dark, but to be fair, he had been dead for, like, a month.

1:47:28Like, I was over it. Right. Yeah. I was over it. I was finding the humor. Yeah. We were already making jokes around the office that he was haunting the place.

1:47:40Brian Redban:Yeah. And that's Ed's story. I'm sorry. Oh, that's great. Fun stuff. Fun set. Fun interview. Anthony Martin, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go, Anthony. Boom. Big joke book. There he goes. Let's get one more bucket pull out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Gabriel Adam, everybody. Gabriel Adam.

1:48:15I recently learned...

1:48:26So modest, sir!

1:48:30I don't think I'd just have to stand up here and make no jokes and you guys would all be cracking up. I mean, this is great. Honestly, I love this.

1:48:42I recently learned there's some jokes you can't make in stand-up comedy.

1:48:56Last week, I did this joke about beating my girlfriend.

1:49:02This guy knows what's going on. And now I can't fucking find her? I'm not sure who went and told her, but somebody gave her the courage to leave, and now I can't. I'm still trying to figure out how she chewed through the chains. That beaver-toothed bitch fucking... She nibbled away to my heart. I don't know what else to tell you. Seriously, though, if anybody sees her, tell her, come...

1:49:35Brian Redban:Okay, there you go. Gabriel Adam, one of the most interesting-looking people we've ever seen in our lives. The verdict is in. You look hilarious. Theo Vaughn. Wonderful. Give it up for Comic McGregor right here. All right. That was kind of cheap, man. I'm sorry. No, but it is nice you come out and people... Dude, the fact you got 25 seconds of free laughs. I mean, it's great. It feels good. Yeah, it probably made it a little bit easier, did it uh no not at all oh it is so exciting dang i was hoping that would have helped uh you never know who will pop out here having the bucky's mascot come out right now is just absolutely incredible i'm still waiting for that brand deal money i mean any time now very rare is someone both frightening and adorable at the same time but somehow you kind of pull off both tell us about this life of i cannot wait to find out about this life oh god how old are you I'm 31 years old.

1:50:35Brian Redban:Okay, 31. Wow! You look great, like... You do. You look good. Looks, I mean, pretty good. I don't look at... You look at guys. It's the Lucky Charms, you know? I keep fucking eating them. Okay, so let's talk about it. Where are you from? I'm from Austin, Minnesota. Whoa! Okay. All right. Yeah. You guys don't know where that is, don't lie. Okay. Where do you live now? I live in Austin, Texas now. Okay. How long have you lived here? I've been here for about a month and a half. What made you move here? Your show. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? A month and a half. Okay. So you started a month and a half ago.

1:51:16Brian Redban:This is amazing. We're getting down to the bottom of it. I love it. Do you have a job here in Austin yet? I do. I'm an Uber driver. Amazing. Yeah. Is that what you did in Austin, Minnesota as well? No, no, no, no. Not at all. I was a car salesman. Okay. What kind of cars were you selling? I started with Subarus and then I went to Ford's and then I went to Kia's and wanted to kill myself so I stopped. Wow. Why'd you choose those? Well, Subaru in Minnesota is super easy to sell. Yeah, exactly. All-wheel drive, everybody's a lesbian. Liberal bull dykes up there, so yeah. And then you went to Ford's so you had to sell to actual men.

1:51:51Brian Redban:I'd imagine that was hard. Yeah. So you're like, I'm going to Kia's and fucking... Well, it was complicated actually. I had a fling with one of the clerks behind the desk and it turned out kind of bad. Is that at Ford or Kia? That was at Ford. Yeah. Well, you seem like a character from Tyres, dude. A hundred percent. Does he not, though? You really do. I mean that as a compliment, dude. Yeah, I take it as a compliment. You seem like a character, bro. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love that show. Amazing. Absolutely. So, what kind of drugs have you done in your life to look 55 at 31? Uh... I've done pretty much every drug under the sun, my friend.

1:52:30Yes, sir. Abso-fucking-lutely. And what was your DOC? Is that what you guys call it? Yeah. What was your DOC? I don't know what that means. Drug of choice. Oh, LSD all day. Wow. Really? Yeah. It looks like it.

1:52:43Brian Redban:Thank you. It looks like you rode here from Minnesota on a rocket ship. Yeah. Like riding it just like, ah! Like that. I figured if they can send a million of them to Ukraine, I could borrow one. When is the last time you did LSD? about two months ago tell me about it that was an interesting experience I watched this fucking documentary on liquid or paper paper really yes sir

1:53:15Brian Redban:fear and loathing in Minnesota he's a romanticist so what'd you do after taking the paper acid in Minnesota well I had this really sick 4k home theater set up so i had this like 128 inches of beautiful glorifly you know it's a initiation it's this documentary on gaia about like the dimensions and how fucking life is put together and it it was beautiful i like shot out of my body like four times and came back just laughing hysterically wow sounds like a blast hell yeah did you notice that you looked different after that trip It fucking changed me, that's for goddamn sure. Absolutely. Yeah, incredible.

1:53:59What's your love life like? Oh, it's non-existent right now. I signed up for Sex Addicts Anonymous recently just to kind of see if I could meet somebody there. That was a... It was a terrible idea. Did you really? I swear to God. How do you sign up? I think there's a lot of Zooms you can just go to. Well, when I showed up, I actually walked through the wrong door, and it was just, like, five geriatric, like, 80-year-old people, and I was really concerned at first. You know, it turned out to be an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting there. But just a bunch of gay dudes talking about getting fucked in the butt a lot.

1:54:33Brian Redban:Oh, shit. That's where we met. I knew I recognized you from somewhere. You're the guy that walked in and came out. There you go. Thank you. Red bands. One fart noise per episode. Beautiful. Amazing. So, wow, that's who goes to sex addict. People that look like me, apparently. Amazing. What made you go to that? Like, what makes you think that you're a sex addict? You know, sometimes I think I look a little bit too long at the gym, you know? You're staring at women at the gym? Yeah, you know, like... Sure, that doesn't bother them at all. When they don't see me doing it, no, usually they don't. Where do you like to hide?

1:55:15Brian Redban:What do you hide behind when you do it? What's your favorite hiding spot at the gym to watch women work out? First time I've asked that question in 13 years. Oh, beautiful. Glad I can get some firsts. Just whatever machine I'm using, just kind of peek a little bit behind. Right. I'm actually pretty blatant about it. I really don't hide it. Right. That's good. I like that. But you haven't been with a woman since you've been in Austin? I have not, no. I've had a few in my car, but that's because I drive Uber. Have you kissed a woman since you've been in Austin? No, I haven't kissed. You know what?

1:55:44Brian Redban:We have a little statement. We're coming up towards the end of the episode. We've been doing a thing on this show for 13 years where we ask if a lovely lady from the audience has the courage. We have the best fan base in the world, so if there's a lady out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss, now's the time to stand up. Is there a lady out here that you have to volunteer yourself? You can't just point at random women. Don't shame to put a wig on again, huh? Get him to pass it on. How can there... Look at this guy. How can there not be a woman that wants to kiss this guy? Really?

1:56:21Brian Redban:Nobody? I literally see actual hookers in the audience, and none of them will do this. I guess Bucky mascot is not the best celebrity look-alike. Well, I mean, there's nothing more depressing than no woman wanting to... There's not that many women in here. Well, there kind of is. I'm seeing a lot other than this table of fucking dudes

1:57:01Brian Redban:The queen of Keltoni the lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen

1:57:12Party, party, party, party, party, party. Wow.

1:57:18Brian Redban:My goodness. How do you feel, my friend? I have to, like, fucking pinch myself, I think. I don't know. The whole thing, unbelievable. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Congratulations to you, Gabriel Adam. Anything else for Gabriel, guys? Nope. Nice to see you today. I'll see you at the next one. Listen, man, Man, I think you were fucking hilarious, man. I wish you the best, brother. I think you've only been doing it a while, you said. Yeah. I think you're going to kill it. Keep doing it. I appreciate that. I got to tell you, I agree with Jelly Roll here. For doing it a month and a half, you have a really, really clever brain.

1:57:55Brian Redban:Even the thing about, you know, going, signing up for a sex addicts class just to meet women. Like, you have an interesting brain. And I think you moved here for good reason, where I don't always say that to a lot of people. but anyone who has a good eye for premises this early on, you'll always get better at doing it and writing it in your way. And for a month and a half, it's fantastic. So you're leaving here with a big joke bookmaker. There he goes. Gabriel Adam, everybody.

1:58:26Brian Redban:Yeah, we will. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this, everybody. And William. Oh, my goodness. How about one more time for Heidi, everyone? What a legend. What a team player. Boss. The great William Montgomery is under the weather today, everyone. Yet again. He owes me money, that's why. Yet again. However, William, I do believe, makes a cameo in Busboys out this Friday. Yep, William Montgomery is in Busboys. Cam Patterson makes an appearance. A lot of the Kill Tony family is in it. Casey Rocket, the man, the myth. He'll be back soon. Support the movie, y 'all.

1:59:13Support the movie. Theo Bach, David Spade, Buzzboy, don't fuck this up.

1:59:18Brian Redban:But before we get out of here, even though William's under the weather, I do have an extremely special treat for you. He might be one of the top rising comedians in the world. He might be one of the best already, if you ask me. This kid has been crushing theaters all around the United States of America. You've seen his rise here on Kill Tony. A monster and one day a citizen of the United States of America. But he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Mati.

2:00:17Are we doing good? You shouldn't. Because a war is coming! Fuck! Just my luck. As soon as I get citizenship, drafted.

2:00:49Just yesterday, you guys know that America raised its age limit to 42 for the draft. And prior marijuana convictions don't matter. Wow, what an army you're building.

2:01:09I'm so 40-year-old losers.

2:01:18You know, in Estonia, we don't have any limits. We have compulsory military service. We're too small to pick. Everyone goes. Wheelchair people, we send them. Oh, yeah, we put a grenade in your lap and... Come on!

2:01:43Down syndrome people, we send them. Oh, yeah, we have a whole squad. Estonian special forces.

2:01:58You think special forces means somebody rappels down and has night vision? Nah, it's Nicholas with a soft serve ice cream.

2:02:10We send them! We get them all together in a parking lot, we connect them with a rope. We look them in the eyes and we tell them, listen, they killed Santa Claus.

2:02:33Everybody goes! Cripples! Mentally challenged! Even women!

2:02:45Gay people, we send them. I know you guys don't do that. By the way, the only way I'm going to war is if I have a gay squadmate. I'm protecting that motherfucker more than the medic. He's the only one sucking dick back at the base. Dylan, get behind me! I'm saving Dylan's life. No left behind. Thank you so much. That's my time.

2:03:18Brian Redban:Goddamn, exactly three minutes. Doing triple the work that he had to do. Rocking the joint harder than it's been rocked all night. The freak of nature, the Estonian assassin, doing it his way. So many funny beats in there, man. And you got the call today out of nowhere. Yeah, I couldn't pick one subject, so I just threw them all out there. I love it, man. Needs a better ending, but I'll fucking figure it out, dude. Yeah, you will figure it out. I've missed you so much, Ari. It sucks you not being on the road so much. Ari's doing a thing right now where he's doing so good on the road that he's adding shows on Mondays, which is pretty much unprecedented.

2:04:06Brian Redban:Exactly, right? He's staying and adding shows and getting crazy deals. It's amazing. He's a killer, man. He deserves it. Amen, amen. Thank you, Jelly Roll. Holy shit, you look so good, man. Thank you, Ari. Thank you, baby. Did you like Ozempic it? No, I actually did it the old-fashioned way. With the God. Yeah, yeah. With the Lord. Worked eight months. Did you get a lot of haters? People that hate you for doing it that way? No, no. I just get people that just won't accept that I did it any other way. You know what I mean? Cheaters. Yeah, Ozempic cheaters. I don't mind it, though. Listen, man. All jokes aside, if you're like, fuck, dude, I was like dying fat.

2:04:46If you're dying fat, dude, anything to get the weight off. Shoot the shot, baby. Go for the shot.

2:04:50Brian Redban:Yeah. You hear that, Red Band? It's never too late. I will say, when Red Band hugged me, you could see he had a moment of self-awareness.

2:05:04I felt it in his hug, because he looked me in the eye, and you could tell he said, man, I'm proud of you. And then a little sadness was in his eyes. I was like, it made me feel bad a little bit between... I shouldn't even brought it up. I'm sorry, Red Band. I love you. Horrible time, but I said, I Theo'd out right there. I should have waited until we were backstage.

2:05:25Brian Redban:Absolutely perfect. Ari, touring's been going good? Yeah, I went to Florida for a month. I'm now addicted to pills, great. Yeah, I went to Florida. It was so beautiful, holy shit. I went to Fort Lauderdale. Great spot, you know. Yeah. I didn't like Miami too much. Everyone, you know, always hype. I don't like coked out, oiled up men, you know. Yeah. Sex trafficking. Sex trafficking? Oh, well, I guess I'll go back.

2:05:58Adding shows in Miami all weekend, dude. Yeah, I saw, like, a fist fight at the beach, like, between two guys. It was over a bungalow. Oh.

2:06:10Brian Redban:Yep, that's Miami. It was, like, bungalows on the beach, and, you know, when bitches see bungalows, you know... Oh, oh, oh, oh. So the bungalow was taken and the two guys and the two whores, they go to swim. They're, oh, yeah. They go to swim and then another two whores and two guys come take their bungalow. So they're fucking fist speedos on, just fucking, it's my bungalow. Dude, how angry do you have to be? You're coming out of a refreshing ocean and you're combat ready? Dude, if I come out of an ocean, you could be raping my mom in the bungalow, dude. You're chill. I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone, slow down.

2:06:54What's happening? Yeah, Miami is super coked out. I'm not into that. I like Naples. Old people. Love them. Love old fucks. Feels good when you're like, when you know you're like on a beach and you can just murder everyone on the beach. Rule a peninsula. Yeah.

2:07:18Brian Redban:No one's stealing your bungalow there. What else did I do? Oh, I went to a Nike outlet store. Oh. Tell us about an Estonian's experience at a Nike outlet store. Yeah, I didn't know Nike has that. Yeah. Like shitty-ass products that don't do it. We just have the Nike store. Which, by the way, looking at the things there, I think we get the outlet, just without the word. So I go in. Packed! Packed! With black people. Packed! Me and the cashier are only white people there. I see two big black bitches at the register. And when you see two big black women at the register, you know there's gonna be an issue.

2:08:05You know this ain't gonna go smoothly. Pre-talkie. Dude, as soon as I open the door, I just hear,

2:08:14Brian Redban:You motherfuckers, last time I was your motherfucker, piece of shit. They were trying to return an item. Dude, they're trying to return, like, some shorts, and those shorts look like they've been to Ukraine, dude.

2:08:32They're just yelling, little, like, white girl, just at the register. I'm sorry, that's an Adidas. Just so I can...

2:08:45You know, before moving to America, I wasn't a racist, but after two years of living here, I'm beginning to see some patterns.

2:08:57Brian Redban:That's how it happens. That's how you get your citizenship. That's the final test. You have to be racist. Ari Matty, your tour continues on and on. It's arimaty.com, without a doubt. I'm in Nashville soon, guys. I'll see you there, my friends. Yes. Yeah. The boys will be there. Let's do it. I love you, Theo. I love you, Jelly. Make some noise for the great Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. Bunch Boys. Bunch Boys. Go see it this Friday in theaters. Bunch Boys! Support real comedians making real comedy movies again. It's out this Friday, April 17th. Catch Jelly Roll here in Austin the 23rd of April.

2:09:35Brian Redban:And us at the Greek Theater. We're doing it together, buddy. Yeah, baby. Us and Andrew Schultz. Hell yeah. We're going to have a lot of fun there. That's going to be a crazy week. Again, one more time for Shane Gillis, who's hosting the roast of Kevin Hart. That's going to be May 10th. Theo Vaughn. Yep, I want to give a shout out to my producers that are here tonight. Zach Powers and Nick Davis and Chin Sun Yee up there from Fighter and the Kid. I want to say thank you guys for all the effort in making podcasts happen over the years. And yeah, thank you guys so much for just letting me be a part of this.

2:10:06And what a dude. I love you, Theo. I love you too, man. Thank you. I needed this today. and so thank everybody for being here. Praise God.

2:10:13Brian Redban:Shelly Rolls. I love y 'all. Thanks for letting me be one of the musicians. I'm going to sit on the panel. Tony, I love you. Congratulations on what you built. The Kill Tony Band, Red Band. Y 'all deserve more than anybody in the fucking world. Y 'all give it up for the evil genius Tony. Motherfucking Hitchley, baby. Thank you, my dear friend. And a shout-out to our production team, and we never get to shout-out enough, the great Sarah Sloan. I, uh, everybody. uh colt monica steve dusty uh billy everybody red band i'll be in san diego july 9th or 11th at the american comedy code.com love you guys you get it we're everywhere catch us in vegas at wrestlemania uh los angeles at the insuit dome uh new york city madison square garden august 7th and and one last time thank you to Shopify Talkspace Prize Picks and Quote and go see Busboys this Friday thank you goodnight everybody we love you

2:11:45We'll be right back.

2:12:26Outro Music

2:12:38Thank you.