#765 - ARI MATTI + DUSTIN POIRIER

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21:29Brian Redban:And his name is Benny Bruce. Let's give him a shot. Put your hands together for Benny Bruce.

21:39Hey, I just started playing dominoes. Anyone like playing dominoes? Yeah, dominoes, I found it really exciting. It's like, every time you put another piece down, you're like, oh, is it going to make a swastika?

22:05I just moved here to Texas. Hooked up with my first Latina. That was pretty cool. Other than, like, I'm not really into dirty talk. I started going down on her, and she's like, Si, que rico, papi. I put my finger over her lips. I was like, shh, I don't like dirty talk. Speak English.

22:43Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, buddy. Thank you very much. Benny Bruce, making it look easy after Anastasia Nadraga. That was awesome. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? Just over a year. Nice. But I moved here a month and a half ago. Hell yeah. And that's when I really hit it hard. Where were you at originally before this? Where is the medium Lebowski from exactly? Grand Rapids, Michigan. Okay. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. How recently did you move here? A month and a half ago. Nice. Nice. I moved out of Michigan in August. I just took my time traveling around the country. That's awesome. Tell us about that.

23:23Brian Redban:What was that like, traveling the country? What stood out to you? What did you learn about yourself? That I need a better car. I got stranded in Alabama for a little over a month because my transmission went out. The car got stranded with you. Yeah. Let's check in with Dustin Poirier. How long have you been working for ISIS sex department?

23:50Brian Redban:What do you do for work? How do you make money? What exactly, what type of vapes do you sell? I just got a job like three weeks ago here. I'm a brand ambassador for a flooring company. For a flooring company. I just go to like home shows and I'm like, you want your floors updated? I love that. So you are very Lebowski-esque. He was looking for a rug and you are a flooring ambassador. Tie the room together, indeed. How much marijuana do you have to smoke a day to wear the exact outfit that you're wearing? Is that about a quarter ounce or so? you know consistently yeah i love it benny bruce uh you're a very very funny guy how much material do you think you have of that quality if you had to like string a set together i mean the most i've ever done is only five minutes but i mean i think i could probably do 10.

24:46Brian Redban:yeah cool well you're in the right place to do it now what what have you what do you love about austin just like the opportunity i can go up on stage every day multiple times yeah in grand rapids it was like a couple times a month yeah it's tough grand rapids michigan is a very tough weird yeah quirky place yeah what what was that like were parents together yeah you have a normal american pie family oh yeah i was like raised catholic and stuff they're loving yeah oh yeah i can tell even even to you Oh, yeah. I was the firstborn. I'm the favorite. I love it. I love it. And what do they think about your pot-smoking stand-up comedy aspirations?

25:28Brian Redban:They're about it. I love that. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, my parents are very supportive. What's your love life like? Are you currently in love with a water bong or something like that? The reason I moved, I was engaged for two years, and that didn't happen anymore. So then I was like, okay. What happened? it was anastasia she started talking and uh he's like dude i gotta get the out of here i'm taking my shitty car and i'm just driving anywhere i'm gonna go straight to alabama to start i'm gonna start comedy i'd rather be stranded in alabama than anastasia uh what did go wrong with the engagement um we fought a lot uh we did too many drugs What kind of drugs are we talking about here?

26:16A lot of psychedelics. Ketamine was a big one. Yeah. But I've been off of all of it since I moved. Nice. Yeah. Very good. Still weed, though. For sure weed. How's it help, like, your comedy? What's that? Coming off, how's it help, like, your comedy? Because you started, you were all fucked up, huh? Yeah. I mean... I don't care. I started, you know, like, a year and a half ago or whatever, but, like, I wasn't taking it seriously until I moved here. okay okay okay still like i would write shit but now i'm like really writing shit getting up all the time yeah that was a good set thank you good really two good really good jokes thanks yeah that's the first time i ever did the dirty talk one really yeah i only wrote it yeah that was awesome that's amazing that's a great joke benny bruce i see a bright bright future ahead of you

27:07Brian Redban:man you have some really funny jokes thanks a good style i'm excited some of the best comedians in the world are people that used to do a lot of drugs that no longer do drugs and fill that brain space and shit with writing and performing and stuff so keep up the great work and good luck in the future here's a uh here's a big joke book boom we're gonna keep it moving along we're flying on to the next one here he goes make some noise for your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen in it's bryce wright bryce wright

27:43Let me hear some noise, Austin! I just want to give you an introduction to myself. I'm mixed, black and white. I dropped out of school and all my math from drug dealing. And I'm actually the best of my whole family at math, right? Because I'm half black. The rest of my family I hang around is white. But for some reason, they always refer to me as three-fifths. Which I never understood, because the fraction is actually one-half. But it's hard being mixed, you know, because people always get so nosy. They always have to ask the same question, like, oh, which parent is mixed? which parent is black which parent is white you know but i never tell him i just kind of give him a hint someone's like is your mom black or is your mom white and i was like um my mom is fat and for the white people to understand i just don't know my dad that's the real reason but yeah man i feel like a human connection is really important i talked to a guy the other day i said yeah man i'm a comedian he said wow i was an actor in new york for 10 years and then i sung career got ruined because I got throat cancer.

28:40So now he's a mime. Alright, that's all the times.

28:49Brian Redban:Alright. Bryce Wright, welcome to the show. Thank you for asking me. How old are you? I am 21. 21 years old. Yes, sir. Wow. So how old are you really? I am 21. That's the preferred answer. 21. Are you really 21? Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? I produce comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida. How do you make money? Producing comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida. How many comedy shows do you produce a month? Two different venues, usually about three to four. Okay. And that's doing it for you. How do you draw people to your venues? Meta ads, retargeting, ads, marketing, all that. Okay. How much money do you have?

29:38Brian Redban:Well, I run comedy shows, so not much at all. Just give us a ballpark. How much have we checked your Chase savings account right now? What would be in there? Probably on average about$2 ,000 probably. Okay. All right. And now you live in Austin? Oh, no, no, no. I don't live here. I just visited. You're still in Jacksonville? Yeah, still in Jacksonville. What's your rent? I live with my parents. Nice. Okay. Yeah. Both of them are... Pure profit. Yeah. Jail fucked me up, man. The Prophet King. You said Jail fucked you up? Here we go. This is Kill Tony. 21 already in prison. Yes. What the? Drugs?

30:20Obviously. Yeah, this is fucking... Just marijuana? Yeah, just marijuana. A gun, but... Okay. All right. You can't have... You gotta have them both together. You never know if you're gonna get robbed. Gun. Yeah.

30:35Brian Redban:So let's talk about it. Like, what were you doing when that happened? Like, you got pulled over? Yeah, I was getting pulled over going through Clay County. And I thought I was slick because I used to do this thing when I turned my high beams on so I could see the reflectors of, like, sheriff cars that are, like, waiting for people. Oh, brilliant. They'll never notice you if you do that. You get to see them first. Genius. Where do you get this weed from? I want some. Man, you get that shit shipped. Did you tell the cops that the white side of you told the black side not to sell the drugs? Dustin Poirier!

31:12Boom! Boom! Boom!

31:18That's the best base. That's the best base. MMA and then comedy. It works perfectly if you don't have CT. Or if you do have it, it might work out.

31:28Brian Redban:Yeah! Fuck you, Bryce, right? Okay, so what did the cop say when he came up to the car? He said, I'm detecting the odor of marijuana. Yeah, and then I was... And you're like, how did you even see me, dude? My brights were on and then they weren't on and I was basically flashing my lights at you. Dude, you do look like... That is crazy that drug dealers always look like drug dealers, too. Dude, when I pull you over, I'm literally like, I'm searching this whole car. Yeah. It's free advertising, dude. I gotta let them know I got it. Yeah, they told me first thing, obviously, it smells like weed. And I was like, you know, that's not probable cause because I saw some shit on TikTok.

32:09I was like, no. No, that's not fucking, what are you talking about? Okay, so they said like, okay.

32:16Brian Redban:They love that. Police love that when you tell them, nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. I know my rights. Where's the gun? Where's the gun? The cop is talking to you. Where's the gun? You sound just like him. It was in the glove compartment, obviously. And you were like, looking for... Is the license there? Right. You're like, my registration's right in. Oh, fuck. You know, if they see a gun, they shoot. Luckily, your skin tone, you're safe. You better thank your mama, boy. All right. D-Madness now knows exactly what you look like. Well, I, um, what I, the method is, and I feel like I'm gonna go back to jail for saying shit like this, but the method is, is you, is you keep, uh, you keep the gun in the glove compartment and then you take out the registration and you take out the insurance and you keep it just anywhere else, like the center console.

33:15And I remember I grabbed for the glove compartment my instinct and I was like, and then he knew instantly. I was fucked. Really? He knew something's in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then, so then, okay, so then, so then, so then, so then, so then. You give the registration. It's expired. Yeah, it was... Was it really? There was an issue, wasn't there? No, it wasn't expired. I think what got him, though, is when I was like, my mom has to text me a picture of the insurance, the Geico. So that was...

33:43Brian Redban:Okay, so then... How fast was her response, just out of curiosity? Was it immediate? She did not respond. Wow. Was it late at night? Yeah, it was late at night. It was the dumbest decision ever. Yeah. So then, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Did he get out of the car? Until you get out of the car, they go to search it. He pulls open the passenger drawer. Why would you search in the glove box, right? That's exactly what I thought. What a fucking idiot, right? So he opens it, and the partner just looks up, and they instantly put me in cuffs. Yeah. And then I go to jail. How long did you go to jail for?

34:23Like, fucking solid 12 hours, bro. I bonded out. What the fuck do you just... Wow.

34:27Brian Redban:I got drug money, motherfucker. I'm bonding out of this shit. Hell yeah, 2 ,000 bucks. 2 ,000 bucks. What did you learn in that 12 hours in jail? What surprised you? I learned that... What stood out to you? Okay, the jail was actually not that bad at all. It was Clay County. And I'm in Jacksonville, so that's Duval County. I mean, that's the closest you've ever been to living on your own, so I'd imagine it was pretty nice for you. Yeah, so I think the biggest Shout out Clay County Jail, by the way How could I skip over the compliments? I think the biggest thing I noticed was like, it was actually really nice The people were nice And when I got in there, like all Oh yes, the Clay County Jail Welcome For all of you gun-yielding pot smokers that look like Krusty the Clown We have welcoming gates Come on in make sure you keep your gun in your glove compartment like a real fucking dumbass and we shall roll out the red carpet for you did you get to eat while you were there they have a little snack for you oh no i didn't eat shit in there i knew i was bonded out hell yeah how much was the bond 1500 oh my god mom had to cover it huh mom mom had to cover it Yeah.

35:47Yeah.

35:48Brian Redban:She had to take out some income tax money for that one. Damn. Yeah, I had a feeling you weren't making that much producing shows once a month in Jacksonville. But$2 ,000 a month is a good lie. Bryce, what else is going on in your life? You single? No, no, no, no. I got a... My girl is actually right out at Shakespeare right now. She's a very little woman. She gives me rim jobs every day. I'd never cheat on her. Is that true? She eats your ass? Fucking gross. Imagine being a girlfriend at that shithole bar supporting your boyfriend while he's on stage. Yeah, she ribs me every day. Yeah. My asshole is cleaner than that bar by all due means.

36:30By looking at the overall thing, I disagree. Show me your asshole.

36:35Brian Redban:Show me a little bit. Let's see it. By all due means, ladies and gentlemen. By all due means. How do you keep your ass so clean? The world wants to know. I'm getting this in my ear right now. Okay. So you ever heard of Dude Wipes? Yes. They got a new flavor of Dude Wipes called Dumpkin Spice. It's a pumpkin spice Dude Wipes. Every time a girl eats her ass, she's like, it smells like fall. Perfect. White girls love it. See her in the front row? She loves it. Look at her.

37:12Brian Redban:Yeah. There's Red Band's one fart noise this episode. So you keep these pumpkin spice dude wipes on you? Always. Do you have one on you right now? No. It's back at the Airbnb. Okay. All right. Do you have any other flavors, as you call them, of dude wipes? This is a great dude wipe commercial. No, I think... I wish they were paying me. I think they got bubblegum flavor recently. I haven't tried that one. I don't know. I'll see what that's going on. Wow. That's amazing. The mint one's the best one. The mint one's the best one. Oh, and the fucking Red Band. Red Band just eats the wipes. It's good.

37:50Brian Redban:And it's good for bad bread. You should give it to your woman.

37:58Brian Redban:All right. Bryce Wright. You did a... You did a... You did a... You did something. You're leaving here with a medium-sized black joke book. This is what black looks like. Oh, and he did not catch it. He is truly mostly white, ladies and gentlemen. The Bond Man. Thank you, sir. With all due means, you deserve it. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Bryce Wright, everybody. Thank you guys for having me. Shout out rooftop comedy show Duval. All right, there he goes, everybody. About to rest your ass again. We have cops right over here. Your summer starts now with Memorial Day deals at The Home Depot.

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39:39Brian Redban:All right, let's get another bucket pull up here, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Eddie Adams, everybody. Eddie Adams.

39:51Ladies, who runs the world?

39:58Ladies, who runs the world?

40:04Y 'all want to put some money on that?

40:15Shalom, everybody! How the fuck we doing?

40:22My uncle, he's been in the news a lot lately. You may have seen him. I just inherited this book.

40:36Everybody keeps asking me, is Trump's name in this book?

40:45Guys, his name is not in this book. Oh, but that's weird. Brian, your name's in this book. Oh, fuck my gold. Okay, everybody stay calm. Don't move. I gotta get that.

41:03Brian, your name's in this book. That's crazy.

41:06Brian Redban:Tony, you're safe, though. I would have fixed it. Okay, that's over a minute from Eddie Adams. Where were you going to stay there? I'm safe what? I wouldn't expect you to go to an island full of girls. All right, very good. There you go. Eddie Adams doing a very Kill Tony-centric set there. I like it. Eddie, how long have you been doing stand-up? Been doing it for five years. Where at? I started in Atlanta and then Houston. You still live in Houston? I do, yeah. What made you do Houston? What made me do Houston? I was trying to get closer to family. They live in Houston? They lived in Dallas, but I was relocating back to Texas, so it's way closer than Atlanta.

41:51Okay.

41:52Brian Redban:That's a pretty far drive. Yeah. You came out, like, really gay, and then... Did you notice he came out really gay and then it faded away? Yeah. Came out gay, ended up being Jewish somehow. It's a way to please everybody in show business. Hello! Surprised you didn't host the Oscars last night or something like that. Gay and Jewish. Are you gay? I am not gay. That's incredible. You sounded gay. All right, Eddie. So five years and how long have you lived in Houston? Three years. What do you do for work? I sell cars. You do that in Houston? I do. What kind of cars do you sell? Toyotas. Toyotas. Are you actually Jewish?

42:36Brian Redban:I am. So that's your real yarmulke. This is the one that I was bar mitzvahed in. Wow. Okay. Broke it out of the closet for this. Absolutely. I also came out of the closet for this show. Seems like a gay yarmulke, though. Very gay yarmulke. My goodness. What makes it a gay yarmulke? It's not like black, it's like a flower. Yeah, it is. Wait, that's the exact same, that's made from the drug rug that Benny Bruce wore earlier. Is it gay because it's the same color as your microphone? Whoa. Stop it. Oh my God, you're getting roasted by a Toyota car salesman. Fuck. Oh my God. What kind of Toyotas are you slinging the most?

43:22Brian Redban:What's your specialty? Tacomas. Okay. Let's do a little thing here. I just walked into, but I'm not me. I'm just a normal stranger. And I just walked into your car dealership. Hey, what's up, man? I'm looking for a car. We got some pretty good pre-owned vans in the back. You want me to go show you them? All right.

43:46Brian Redban:All right. Eddie Adams, not gay. He swears he's not gay. What's your love life like? You have a girlfriend right now? I just got married. Oh, congratulations. She's Jewish as well? She is not Jewish. Whoa, what is she? We, she is agnostic. White, just a normal white lady. Yep. Where'd you meet her at? Hinge. Hinge, okay. And that's the one, explain to people what hinge is. Hinge is probably like the one where you're not really trying to get laid. You're more trying to go on a date. So, gay.

44:25Brian Redban:Red Band. Hit your sound effect, Red Band. That's a good one. It's more for brunch.

44:36Brian Redban:He doesn't know where his own sound effect is, everybody. It's broken right now. All right, it's broken right now. I think it's on that board, by the way, because I know the thing better than you. It's this one. It crashed just recently. Perfect. Why would you... Why would you... Why would you possibly get it fixed before tonight's taping? Oh, okay. Perfect. It's good to know that we're running the same iPad that we've had since the show started 13 years ago. How long have you guys been together? Oh, we've been together three and a half years. Engaged? Oh, yeah, you said married. I'm sorry. How long were you engaged?

45:17Brian Redban:One year. Okay. Where was the wedding at? The wedding was in Houston. Wow. What made you do it in Houston? That's where her family's at. So, you know, she's got a big family and didn't want to have to make some of her older relatives travel. Wow. Okay. What's crazy? Do you have any special skills or talents, Eddie Adams? Special skills, talents? No. You collect anything? You have any hobbies or anything like that? Is there something quirky and funny? How do you feel about Iran?

45:50Brian Redban:What does that mean? It means hello, how are you in Farsi? Have you got any Persians in here? No? All right. All right. Really winning the crowd over here with your... Yeah, God. Bombing. Wow. I can't believe the Kill Tony crowd even gives that credit, but all right. All right, Eddie. You really don't do anything other than comedy sometimes and sell cars? I love soccer. Love watching soccer. I watch it religiously. There's little Latinos over there. Yeah, yeah, that's gay. New sound effect, everybody. When the soundboard crashes, you just have to do it on your own. Interesting. I feel like there's something I'm missing here about you, Eddie.

46:33Brian Redban:I feel like there's something you're keeping from us. No, I feel like now would be a good moment to just address the whole reason I got into comedy was I went to a house party when I was in Atlanta. I knew no one. I was trying to make friends, and I went out to get a drink from the cooler, and a guy named Marcel, I've never seen him again, he said, what do you do? And I told him I was selling cars, and he said, is that what you grew up wanting to do? And I said, no. No one had ever asked me that. He said, well, what did you want to do? And I said, make people laugh. And he said, well, do you promise within a year you'll try to do that?

47:04Will you try comedy? And I agreed to do it, and it was COVID, so I never saw him again. I moved away. Anyways.

47:12Brian Redban:Gay! Marcel, if you're listening, you started this.

47:20Brian Redban:Here you go. If there's anybody I know that needs to write actual jokes, it's you. So there's a big joke book. There he goes, Eddie Adams. His Kill Tony debut. We'll see him again sometime. All right. We have a special treat for y 'all. We have a very well-known, great comic out of New York visiting during the festival South by Southwest season. who's going to do a minute for us. Maybe a little touch more. We're going to let her go. Ladies and gentlemen, you know her. Make some noise for Karen Feehan, everybody. Here she is. Special treat. A real comedian.

47:58God, this is so exciting. Hi. Hi. Hi, Dustin. Hi. How are we? I don't know. Some of you guys might not know me. My name is Karen. I'm from Massachusetts. I was in the Boston Ballet for about 10 years. that's why I'm a racist anorexic I'm kidding I'm kidding I eat

48:22I'm also an alcoholic I have a very helpful tattoo it says don't serve me on my arm it's okay bartenders can't read cursive whenever I miss blacking out I just sleep with an MMA guy

48:39I see a cauliflower Sorry, flood. It's not good. People are so mean about MMA guys. They're like, they're so dumb. I'm like, no, their brains are just on the outside now.

48:56I'm just kidding. They're pretty dumb. I do this thing. I do this thing. I let them come in me. And then I go, hey, let's see if this kid's a fighter. What?

49:12Brian Redban:Fantastic. Karen Feehan.

49:17Brian Redban:That was awesome, Karen. How's life going? It's really good. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Is it true? Have you ever been with an MMA fighter before? Yeah, I let Gary Tonin come in me. Whoa. He's the lion tamer. Look him up. Have you ever heard of Gary Tonin before? Yeah. Okay. This checks out. Really? Thank you. Have you ever let an 0-3 fighter come in you before?

49:45Anything can happen, right?

49:46Brian Redban:I think you might be 0-4 after this.

49:54Brian Redban:I love it. Karen, you're great. You're from New York. You live in New York. That's right. I love New York. I love Austin, though. Hell yeah. There's some similarities between Manhattan and Austin. Like in Manhattan, we have ladies who lunch. And here you guys have ladies who poop in their shoes. I can't. It's like Cinderella. It's so fun. So many Winnie the Poohs out there. All shirts, no pants. I love them. I love it. They're out there. I love it here. They are. Yeah. Are you racist? No, no. That was just a joke. I do like guys coming to me, though. I don't know. If you were going to be racist...

50:35Right, which one?

50:36Brian Redban:What race would you pick? I'm just kidding. I mean, I don't know. Jews? Yeah. I love Jews. I went on a bachelorette trip with 14 Jewish women. I'm not Jewish. If you really love Jews and Toyotas, boy, do I have a guy for you to meet. Karen, you're fantastic. Thanks for coming in. Karen Feehan, everybody. Very funny. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys having fun out there? We're back to the bucket, everybody. We're going to meet one all together by the name of Luke Aaron. Put your hands together for Luke, everybody.

51:21Dating is hard nowadays. I was sleeping with this one girl. I absolutely loved her. I would have done anything for her. But it turns out she had no heartbeat. beat um it annoys me when old people say oh you guys have it so easy nowadays um like yeah y 'all had to go to war or whatever but we also had to deal with trauma you know um i remember i was like oh we had to deal with porn advertisements i remember i was like 12 years old and i looked up nude girl with breasts and then all of a sudden an ad pops up for where you know there was a midget that got gang banged by basketball people you know that that shit scarred me um oh boy uh yeah yeah so for the old people for their trauma they got they got called a hero and got a purple heart.

52:24All I got was called a pervert and got a purple boner. Alright, thank you. That's my time.

52:32Brian Redban:Alright. Luke Aaron, you've been on the show a couple times. Are you, Matty? I was on panel. My first time. Basketball people, like black people. Yes, yes, yes. That was like the joke. That was the joke. I got that one. The last time you were on, you did awkward poetry. I did awkward poetry. And the first time you were on, you said you don't want to do open mics because you're afraid people will steal your material. Am I correct? Was that you? Are you still with the girlfriend that you mentioned? Yes, actually, yes. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do, so I know you guys hated the poem the last time, but I do have another poem, but this time this time, I may, you know, this one's a little more serious this time.

53:18Am I allowed to read it?

53:20Brian Redban:How long is the poem? It is shorter. I know anything is short. I had to stop you last time. How much shorter is it? It's a bit shorter. If you had to guess the length from the start to the end of the poem. Two minutes. That's crazy. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. Is there anything we don't know about you from the interviews that you've been on? I can juggle. I'm I'm actually hilarious but I just I didn't it's not coming across right now but I swear and then I also have a poem

54:05are you also the person that hates you're very religious right yes so yeah I am I was I'm not anymore I've kind of... In college, I like... Oh, my God. In college, I really like...

54:23Brian Redban:All right. Dude, you got to take a break from signing up for this show. This is like unbelievable. You don't prepare. You don't test out any material anywhere. And you just write very long poems that nobody wants to hear. Rhyming, like, isn't that crazy or hard. Poems aren't really a thing anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I want to hear what your response is to that. Have you never had anybody tell you you fucking stink before in your life? No. Yeah, maybe a few people. You ever play sports? I bet you never played sports. Did you ever play sports? I did play sports. I played basketball. Basketball?

55:01Brian Redban:Where? What city? Wisconsin. Oh, you're probably fucking great in Wisconsin basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you put were you a starter on your team in basketball? I was a starter, but there was about 10 people or 10 guys in my high school that were, you know, capable of playing. You know, one was in a wheelchair. Three of us had autism, you know, so I made the team. Right. Yeah. Is that the group of guys that bang the midget? Bang the midget? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, see, I just don't think you've ever had, like, I don't know, a reality check of any kind. If you're not doing open mics, and you're just coming here and barely getting through a set, and then going, but I have a very long poem, that's not what this show is.

55:58Brian Redban:So you're going to have to figure out something else. or do open mics and figure out if the material that you're going to do on this show works at all. You're really not doing open mics? I do. I do it every once in a while. I do kick butt coffee and then which other ones have I been to? Which other ones? How many times a week? I went in Wisconsin. Zero times a week. Probably a total of five open mics total ever. Am I correct? Probably. Closer to ten. All right. So there you go. This is bad. Yeah. You got to go to open mics. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You got to do something else, buddy.

56:31Brian Redban:All right. Give it six months. Sign up again in six months, okay? Okay, okay. Yeah, this isn't just the get attention show. Okay. There you go. I'm sorry. Yes, with a mic minimum. Matt Muelling, who never talks, has a great idea. You have to do at least fucking 50 open mics before you sign up again. You have six months to do that. That's not that hard. Okay. Okay, there you go. I'll wait. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony exit of Luke Aaron. Sometimes shit gets real You got a girl that didn't know What she was signing up for You have a guy that literally Just wants attention And there you go Gay I remember something about him He said last time He was angry at his girlfriend For showing too much skin Remember that?

57:20Like he hated showing her legs And stuff like that Weird stuff

57:24Brian Redban:Okie dokie Alright Okay. Hey, Luke, you want to come be the sound guy for the rest of the episode? We need some poems. All right. Hello there, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. It's easy to get started, sign up online, and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist.

58:02Brian Redban:Unlike other telehealth companies, psychiatry is available through Talkspace so you can get the medication you need to supplement the talk therapy if needed. Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a$0 copay. Now I'm going to let my man Red Van tell you why he loves Talkspace. Oh, you know I love Talkspace. They're providing some of the best mental health treatment around. Therapy has led me to some real moments of transformation.

58:32Brian Redban:That's right. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-8-0. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. Yamaha Resort and Casino at San Manuel is California's number one entertainment destination for today's superstars. Catch the Jonas Brothers' return to the Yamaha Theater stage on April 30th. The powerful vocals of Demi Lovato on May 17th. And the signature Southern Country Rock of Eric Church on July 19th.

59:10Tickets on sale now at YamahaTheater.com. Only at Yamaha Resort and Casino. Celebrating its 40th anniversary. You in? Must be 21 to enter.

59:21Brian Redban:Your next bucket bowl, anything can happen, clearly. Clearly anything can happen. Goes by the name of Chase Standen, everybody. Chase Standen.

59:36What's going on, y 'all? I, uh, got a new girlfriend. She's kind of pushy in the bedroom. Like, she's very instructional. Like, God, every time I go down on my girl, I feel like I'm playing a fucked up game of bop it. Because I'm down there with my A game. I'm doing my best. And she's just giving me instructions like flick it. Lick it. Kiss it. Suck it. Push it. Pull it. Lick it. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it. Bop it. Also, can we be real? That's like an impossible game to beat. My high score is like three. Pass it to a friend.

1:00:23My girlfriend's got a landing strip. Pull it.

1:00:32My girlfriend's got a landing strip. I call that shit the Gaza Strip. I call my girlfriend's vagina Gaza because I shoot loads at it and children are dying in there.

1:00:48Brian Redban:That's good. Checks out with me, Chase Sandin.

1:00:56Brian Redban:Welcome, Chase. Have you been on this show before? No, I haven't. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? A year and a half, and I've been signing up the entire time. Wow, congrats. You finally got up. Crazy that this is the first time we've gotten you up. Meanwhile, Luke Aaron has bored us to death three or four times. Absolutely incredible. Hey, he's making my job easy. He makes you look great. This is the second time tonight somebody's gone up after somebody that was horrendous and looked real good. You look great. We don't even know if you're great, but anything's better than that.

1:01:26Brian Redban:No, very funny. Chase, was all that comedy done in Austin? You from Austin? Yes, I started out here. Nice. Where are you originally from? Denver. Okay, cool. What do you do for work? I just became a full-time producer. At a... In stand-up. Nice. This is fucking crazy. I met the owner of the aquariums out here and fucking talked my way into a contract. So I'm going to be producing shows in aquariums of all places. You're going to be doing comedy shows in aquariums? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. This guy that you met.

1:02:01Brian Redban:God. Every time I'm about to replace you with a poem, you do something like that and you completely redeem yourself.

1:02:13Brian Redban:Okay, so the guy that you met goes, hey, what's up? I'm the head of aquariums. Like, I don't understand. There's like an aquarium boss. Dude, it's fishy as fuck. Oh, you son of a bitch.

1:02:31Brian Redban:Was that all a lie to get that joke out of? No, no, swear to God. I met him through a friend. He was a Mormon for 45 years of his life, and he's a pothead, so I've been dealing with that. And now he's going to see this, so I might not be a full-time producer anymore. Yeah, you might be in deep water. Yeah.

1:02:54Brian Redban:I love it. So, Chase, what did you do before becoming an imaginary aquarium producer? Oh, man, I feel like every job I've had is fucking fake. I was like a salesman for open AI, but I didn't sell anything. I just wrote prompts for them, and I used ChatGPT to produce my work. Wow. I wasn't allowed to do that. I just spent hours being like, make sure this doesn't come out like it's AI. That's actually a funny bit, man, right there. I'm working on it. It's got some legs. It's got some fins. There you go. Okay, what's another job? Give us another job while you have the dolphins here. This is insane.

1:03:34Brian Redban:Here we go. I used to do door-to-door sales. It was commission only. I got guns pulled on me. I got chased by pit bulls. The worst, it's like the thing with door-to-door is like, I'm going to close this deal at your kitchen table, right? This guy's my fucking dad's age. His daughter's my age. And I'm about to close like a 60K deal. And he's like, I'll buy it if I can see it. I was like, what? And he was like, I'll buy it if I can see it. And then the guy groped me. Fucking grabbed my dick. 60K sale, though. Yeah.

1:04:09Hey, anything for the clothes. Anything for the fucking clothes, dude. That's just a grope. It's just a grope, yeah. That's warm-up, dude. Yeah, dude, I fucking... That's jujitsu. Yeah.

1:04:21Brian Redban:What were you selling? Solar panels. Hell, yeah. And did you close that deal? No, I ran out of the house. I fucking froze. What a pussy. Oh, Jesus Christ. You can't even grab dude's cock. They just run out like, oh, fucking pussies. Wow. As soon as you ran out, he must have been like, fag. Yeah. Started up his diesel engine that he runs everything off of in the back. My move would be, I'm already hard by the time you grope me. Who's scared now? I'm ready. I'm ready, dude. How much money did you make selling solar panels door-to-door commission? I worked for them for like four months. I probably made like three grand.

1:05:09Wow. It's fucking awful. Yeah. It's awful. All I got was my fucking honked dick. Right. What's the sales pitch for a solar panel? Oh, God. You care about the environment? No. Okay. Neither do I. Okay, yes. I do. I do. I do. I love it. I love it. I love, I love. You love the environment? I love it. You like the sun? I love the sun. You want to make money from the sun?

1:05:32Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Honk. There you go. Give us some more jobs, Chase. Give us some more of your wacky jobs. I worked at Home Depot. I worked in the garden department, a.k.a. the MILF department. Woo! Yeah. Tell us about that. I need a hose. Yeah. I bet you didn't mind getting groped there, huh? No, dude, I was looking for it in the back. I was like, come here, you want to water this plant? I was forklift certified, and this was in Boulder, Colorado. There was a dispo right behind it, so on my lunch break, I'd go get high as fuck and just drive the forklift around. Wow. That's all those videos, you know, when a forklift just takes off the whole warehouse.

1:06:19It's this guy. Yeah. I had friends that worked with me saying like you need two people like you've been in Home Depot you know the guy with the forklift they got flags and shit I'd bring my buddy over and we'd just pull shit down and put it back up with no purpose yeah it's like I'm on the forklift you're not going to tell me I'm not doing my job yeah

1:06:39Brian Redban:anything you need Dave what city was this in where there's white guys working at Home Depot again Boulder, Colorado Boulder, Colorado one of the safest ranked the best city to live in it's like true or something it is i'm lucky i came from boulder to here okay give us another job another job oh man i uh ew i was a recruiter it's your favorite sound in the world i was a recruiter i sold people not like that uh all right okay we guess we ran out of funny jobs oh it was a caddy i was a caddy for a little bit oh that was very unique you were pretty caddy towards the guy that groped you yeah could have had solar panels yeah all right maddie what's cooking over there what do you think about this guy what did you say before he grabbed your car

1:07:39i think i said something like you want to do this I was probably giving him the wrong idea. I was like, are we doing this or not, man?

1:07:46Brian Redban:Probably, oh, we're doing it. Maybe I got the story confused. You said he had a daughter that was your age. Was she there when he did that? No, he was like a married man with daughters, so he was like a closeted gay guy. And they were like in the house, and he's like talking shit about how much he hated his wife, and then he was just like, let's see it. Wow. Incredible. Chase, what's another fun fact about your life that we would find very interesting? Before I got into stand-up, I did like a year of acting and self-tapes, and then I found comedy through acting. I like this way more. Well, you're good, man.

1:08:21Brian Redban:You did a good job tonight. Great job. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. Boom. Chase Sandin, ladies and gentlemen. We have a special treat for you guys. Performing for you tonight is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history, ladies and gentlemen. You know her. You love her. make some noise for the great Fiona Cawley everybody she's here live in the black the one and the only

1:08:53Brian Redban:make some noise one more time for Fiona Cawley everybody

1:09:03I uh I know I've talked a lot about being married, but I used to be, like, a real big whore. Okay? And I don't feel bad about it. I think anyone in my situation would have done the same. Okay? You know, I was 18. I was single. Diagnosed with this shit. I thought I was dying. You know? I wanted to roll into as much dick as possible. You know? And then you find out you're not really dying. And now you're, like, just a whore.

1:10:00And that is a hard truth to live with. Um... But back in my day, I had a good amount of one-night stands, okay? Um, but I'm a normal lady. Sometimes I wanted to, like, sneak out. Hmm. This shit... made it impossible. Every time I back up... Okay, so I did figure out, like, a workaround for it. I started only fucking black guys.

1:11:02Brian Redban:The great Fiona Colley Fiona

1:11:10Brian Redban:Fiona How's it going? Good, how are you? I'm fantastic It must be wild, like, being a guy who fucked you back in the day. And then you show, like... They take too much credit. Yeah. And then you show the boys, like, look at her now.

1:11:36Brian Redban:Fiona, have you ever been with a black man? I have, yeah. You almost said you tried. Now, what exactly does that mean? Didn't fit? 12 inches. I'm not kidding. That is why I'm in the wheelchair. It feels good to be honest. Wow. Incredible. Where'd you meet this guy at? College. We have another one for you right here.

1:12:07That's who I was talking about.

1:12:09Brian Redban:Yeah. Deep Madness did a little college tour. put a lot of ladies in a lot of wheelchair. A little college chore, a little college whore. Yeah. Hell yeah. A wordplay. So you had a wild college life, did you? Yeah. Yeah, I thought I was dying. Yeah. Yeah. When was that? How long ago was that? I graduated in 2019. Yeah. Yeah. And you had your condition then? Yeah, I got diagnosed at 18, so right before yeah so you're like i'm dying i'm gonna fucking yeah i'm gonna fuck a black guy that's why i can't wait to get my terminal illness diagnosis just finally just blast this ass once and for all but i'm waiting i'm holding out strong until i have a few months to live i used to bang a girl with cancer i thought she was gonna die too so and she lives still so Yeah, that's hard.

1:13:13Yeah, it was bad, yeah. I was trying to get more microwaves around the house. I got some FiFi routers. I put an iPad under her pillow. We got vaccines. I tried to make it. She made it, though, so now she's out there knowing I have a tiny cock. Well, that's why she survived, because your cock...

1:13:39Brian Redban:Fiona, how's married life going? Really good. Yeah. It's the same. Same old, same old. Yeah. And how's the condition? I think... You sound great. You look great. Thank you. Yeah. I think the meds are working. Uh-huh. Your doctor's solid. You know, it's actually funny. People ask me a lot if the medicine is working, which is a really hard thing to answer because all they're supposed to do is stop me from getting worse. So the question is, have you noticed nothing? And the only real evidence I have that it might be working is every time I post a video online, there are always hundreds of people that comment, if you put this in 2x speed, she's cured, you know?

1:14:38And now... Now they're commenting if you put this in 1.5x speed.

1:14:46Brian Redban:Ooh, look at that. So, yeah. Amazing. Rushing. Dustin? What's up? I got beef with you. Ooh. Ooh, this Netflix UFC card's about to get a little bit crazier. Try to low kick her. She feels nothing.

1:15:16My secret sauce. Now, on my birthday, I bet$300 on you.

1:15:25Brian Redban:Oh, shit. Who'd I fight? Oh, motherfucker, I was fucked up. I don't remember. But it was July. Shit. July 19th, and I was furious because I don't know anything, but my husband is gay for you. Yeah. I think if it was July, it was my retirement fight. Yeah. Oh.

1:15:52Oh. Hey, you're beautiful, and I love the humok, and it's so good on you.

1:15:58Brian Redban:The what? You can walk, I love that. Yeah. Well, that's great that you got to watch his last fight and he got to watch your last set. That is so awesome. What an exciting thing. She's actually gonna leave her, she's gonna leave her wheels on the stage like you guys leave the gloves in the octagon.

1:16:29Brian Redban:Your laugh has become iconic here on the show. You do know this, right? I was doing my own show and someone's phone went off and it was my laugh.

1:16:42It's insane.

1:16:44Brian Redban:That's amazing. You want to give us one just for old times' sake? It's not the same.

1:16:51Brian Redban:Amazing. The great Fiona Colley, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is she still with us, she's absolutely funnier than ever. It's amazing. Okay.

1:17:09Brian Redban:There she goes, everybody. Ari Matty says he has to go pee. I think he has a wheelchair fetish. We'll see what happens next. Wave to Earth. The Pieces Tour. Live across North America. Get tickets now at LiveNation.com. Coverage varies by plan. View contracts and exclusions at EnduranceWarranty.com. If you're driving a car or truck with an expired warranty and suddenly lost your transmission or needed a full engine repair, would it leave you stranded? I'm Danica Patrick. Choose the company I trust, Endurance. If your vehicle is less than 20 years old, Endurance offers auto protection on the drivetrain, A.C., and more.

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1:18:07Brian Redban:We're just going to go through this next bucket pool, just me and you, Dustin. Make some noise for him. It's Isaiah Washington, everybody.

1:18:21My dad was in and out of my life, but that was pretty normal in my neighborhood, y 'all. It was so bad at my elementary school that if you had a dad, we would make fun of you. Oh, your dad took you to Disneyland? Ha-ha, you must be gay. Out there sucking on Disney dick. You know what was pretty gay? Being raised by a single mother. Every Saturday, I had to go shopping with her at Lane Bryant. If you don't know what that is, that's a Vittoria secret for big bitches. Like... I love my mom, though, but she raised me super religious, like, so religious, like, to the point I used to feel shame about certain things when I was becoming a man.

1:19:06For example, the first time I seen titties, I cried. I was looking in the mirror, like, yo, those not supposed to be there, like... Like, why, God, why? And I know I'm a bigger guy, but there are some women out there that like bigger men. Fuck y 'all, Austin. I was waiting for a fucking standing ovation, goddammit. Thank you. I've been Isaiah Washington from Friends Up California.

1:19:36Brian Redban:Wow, perfect. Amazing. Isaiah Washington. Yeah, buddy. I love that set. Thank you, man. So good. Thank you. I appreciate it. I love that premise that if you had a dad, you got made fun of. Yeah, that was real. That's amazing. Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? So I'm about to end my seventh year. Seventh year. That's right about what I would have guessed. You're fantastic. Thank you. You're moving up there. The premises are great. The annunciation, execution, everything. Absolutely fucking amazing. Where you been doing it at? So I started in Fresno, California, and I just moved out here to Austin about three months ago.

1:20:09Nice. Yeah, man. I'm a Fresno baby. Y 'all don't know where that is. There's a little ghetto over there, but we cool, though. We cool. No. Yeah. Yeah.

1:20:17Brian Redban:The late, great Angelo Bowers was from there. You ever heard of him? Nah. Amazing. Oh, yeah? He from there? Yeah, he died in a car accident. Damn, that sucked, dog. 15 years ago. Yeah, it does suck. That's crazy. He would have been one of the biggest comedians in the world right now. Oh, yeah. Accidentally killed. But anyway. Yeah. Isaiah, how's it been in Austin for you? It's been pretty good, man. Like, it's chill out here. but the first day I went out, my phone got robbed. That's the only thing, man. On 6th Street, man, it's crazy. Like, yeah, I know I'm a big dude, but they somehow snatched my phone out of my pocket.

1:20:54Oh, like you didn't even know? No, I didn't even know. I've had that happen. Yeah, it happened to you too? With me, with small Indonesian children. Oh, shit. I was in Bali with my girlfriend, and then small Indonesian children got, Mr., Mr., Mr., they're so cute. And then they took my phone. I noticed it when I was back at the hotel, so then I was looking for children. Yeah, yeah. Stomp out. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you found them too, huh? They're missing. No.

1:21:20Brian Redban:No kids. That's why I keep my phone in my pants between my balls and my asshole. And crazy enough, mine got stolen by a small Indonesian child as well. Silly. Oh, man. Isaiah, what do you do for work? So I work at the Vulcan Gas Company right now. Nice. Yeah, doing security stuff. Fuck yeah. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. What did you do before that? I used to work with special needs adults back in Fresno, man. I also work with a special needs adult. That's amazing. Yeah, I can tell the signs right there. I can see it. Like special needs, like what, Down syndrome and all that? We're talking all spectrum, high leveling to people in wheelchairs.

1:22:05So let me ask you this.

1:22:07Brian Redban:I knew. Well, I mean, come on. Fiona doesn't need another reason to want to kill herself. So not everybody in a wheelchair is special. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I used to work with a guy, my good friend, who used to do the same thing. Do they fuck a lot at your clinic? Oh, yeah, they do be doing that. Yeah, they do be doing that. But they be having, like, it's kind of weird, though. Sometimes, like, they'll have, like, a normal boyfriend pick them up, and you be like, oh, bro, that ain't cool. Like, she got autism, dog, like, bad. Her tits don't have autism, though. All right. I guess we know who the boyfriend is here.

1:22:44Brian Redban:Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Red man. Make her suck your dick with a lollipop. With a lollipop? Yeah. They love that shit. I never tried that. So this was like an actual clinic? So there's a lot of people there? Yeah, it was a day center. So they come from, like, in the daytime only. Then they go back to, like, a group home. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay, so what's the wildest thing you ever saw these days? special people man i'm gonna be real i know this too lovey-dovey but a lot of them were like really dope and really cool but one of them did just shit in the hallway out of nowhere and and you know it's our job to pick it up and shit and i made somebody else do it i have to like i didn't see it and just walk right past it so i'm sorry about that but i ain't doing that bro like that's it was a big dude too like bigger than me like oh just right on the ground just right there That's unacceptable.

1:23:37Brian Redban:Red Band, why did you do that? God damn it, Red Band. I strapped you off at the daycare center. I do these nice things for you. My asshole ain't retarded.

1:23:48That's funny, too. Amazing. But that's like a good karma job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I got pulled tonight. Because of that job. Now, if you do something bad, you can bring it up to God and be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Remember the time I walked past the shit? Bro, like, come on, man, give me. I'm getting into heaven for sure. Yeah.

1:24:07Brian Redban:Yeah. Absolutely. Isaiah, tell us more about your life. Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah, I got a lot of half-siblings. I don't got any full ones. My dad's black. My mom's Mexican. Y 'all didn't know and shit. But my brothers and sisters, in and out of my life, too. Just in and out living with my dad in Cleveland. And then I was in Cali the whole time. And yeah, seeing them every once in a while. You know what I mean? One of my sisters about to get married. My other brother's in jail. What is your brother in jail for? Let's just say, what's it called? Like a homie? A what? Something like a murder.

1:24:51Murder. Murder was a case that they wrote. Got it. Okay. I'm not going to talk too deeply on that because it's real. It's real. But that's like cool to have like a brother. Yeah. Don't fuck with me. Yeah, don't fuck with me. Yeah, yeah. I'll call my brother and he's going to be like, how am I going? If Vulcan doesn't pay you, you're like, yo! Yeah. Hell yeah. I got connections in the walls. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah.

1:25:15Brian Redban:And your mom's the Mexican in this? Yeah, she's a Mexican. Did you ever get to meet your dad? Yeah, I did. I did. I did. I got to meet him. He was in and out of my life. Like, I'll see him, like, in the summertime and stuff like that. He'll come by and say, what's up? In the summertime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like a rapper or trying to be a rapper. Wow. So I'll be in the studio and stuff getting hotboxed at like eight years old. Does he have something on Spotify or something? He got something on YouTube, but he's not spotty. What's the rap name? It's called Squadric Click. I don't even know how you would begin to spell that.

1:25:48Brian Redban:I'm guessing an S and a Q. S-Q. It's S-Q-U-A-D-R-I-C-K. Squadric Click. Squadric Click. First things first? Yeah, yeah. This is the shit I grew up on Like gangster shit It's only got 1 ,002 views From 13 years ago Wow It turns out a lot of people don't go to visit your dad either It's amazing It's good Only visit my son in the summertime Yeah I was like 9 years old I was going to the studio I'm like yeah I mean, it's a lot of... Another nigga will. That's your brother. Yeah, yeah, that's my brother. Yeah! Hold on a second. I noticed something. I noticed something pretty amazing here. The song debuted on YouTube 13 years ago.

1:26:56Brian Redban:It has 1 ,002 views. and 11 years ago, two years after it came out, there's only one comment on this. Yeah. On this video, and it is from someone named Isaiah the Comic. Yeah, that's me. And the comment on the YouTube profile says, Whoa, where you find this at? I'm shocked. What would you like to know? I don't know who uploaded that, and all I did was have a CD of him on my CD player. I didn't even know it was out there like that. What were you doing, just randomly Googling your dad 11 years ago? Oh, yeah, man. Oh, stop with your awes, these white lady awes. Shut up. Yeah, I just wanted to see if he made any money or anything like that.

1:27:45Yeah, man, and I found out somebody stole his shit, and I'm going to find him, man.

1:27:53Brian Redban:Oh, you think someone's profiting off of the 1 ,000 views? Yeah, they got like a five cent or something like that, man. That's the closest your dad's ever been to having a 50 cent career. True, true, true, man. My dad tried, though, man. My dad did pass away, though. That's why I probably left that company a long time ago. I was like, oh, yeah, let me listen to him reminisce to that one time he seen me. That is sad. How did your father pass away? He passed away from being, like, overweight.

1:28:25it's crazy though because he like got shot multiple times and shit like when he was younger and shit but he survived it and then like heart disease dog sugar is the hardest gangster ever sugar goes hard sugar looks at guns like this yeah let's go sugar took my daddy out and i've trying to...

1:28:49And I...

1:28:51Brian Redban:Glucose Jenkins. That's why I eat so much sugar, because I'm trying to kill all the sugar, Dunk. That's right. Hell yeah. Do you walk into Dunkin' Donuts like...

1:29:07Brian Redban:Isaiah, I find you to be unbelievably hilarious. Keep signing up. Come back again. We want to see more of you, all right? There you go. Isaiah Washington. Funny guy. All right, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Mark Neuer, everybody. Mark Neuer.

1:29:30I'm a huge fan of Alex Jones. I like him a lot. I'm a big fan of Alex Jones. The thing about him is he says some things that are true, right? Because he's like a real controversial guy. He said some things that are true, though. For example, he said they're going to fly planes into the Twin Towers. That's not funny. It's just true. He said that in June of 2001. He did. Right. Right. Now, I'm not a college-educated individual. Right? But I do know that June comes before September every fucking year.

1:30:12Like I said, I'm not a... I didn't go to college. I dropped out of high school. So I don't know if they're putting chemicals in the water that are turning the frickin' frogs gay. I don't know. I don't know. But I do know that the frogs probably didn't want to be outed.

1:30:33Brian Redban:Thank you. Okay, Mark Millweir, welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show? Yeah. Nice. How long have you been on stand-up? Coming up on nine years. Wow, where at? San Francisco. The whole time? I started in Manteca, California. You still live in San Fran? Nope. You live here now? How long did you go? 10 minutes ago? 10 months. Oh, okay, perfect. It's happened before where people literally have gotten here 10 minutes ago. Okay, Mark, what do you do for work? Right now I'm a daytime bartender on 6th. Okay, how's that going for you? It's good money. Fun, right? Daytime bartender. Yeah.

1:31:10Interesting choice. The nighttime is when you make the big bucks. You'd be surprised. Huh. I think you'd be surprised.

1:31:22It's an inside podcast.

1:31:24Brian Redban:Anyway. That is a good, it's a great reference. I love it. Mark, is bartending what you were doing when you were in San Francisco? Yeah. Yeah, I was working comedy venues as a bartender. Do you steal money as a bartender too? I used to be a bartender. Not anymore. Not anymore, uh-huh. On 6th Street in San Francisco I did though. Exactly. Yeah. I used to do that, too. You have to. What's the scam? What are you doing to me? Like, what's the... What are you going to do to me here, buddy? Okay, I open up first, and then you open. Yeah, all right. Tell us your scam. Tell us the Estonian fucking credit card.

1:31:59So if you're like a bartender, it's pretty easy. From one big bottle of booze, you can get about 16 double cocktails. The revenue price that the bar has is, of course, so much higher than the market price. So you bring your own bottles. And you have a side register. One for you, one for me. I was like Robin Hood, but for myself. Wow. That's a pretty good one. And then sometimes, do Americans, do you guys all free pour, right? I do. Yeah, you can steal it a little bit, you know? Like if it's four centiliters of alcohol, every fourth cocktail is for free because you dry them up short. Mm. Mm-hmm.

1:32:39You're very serious about this. Very serious. And then from one draft, you know, like the big jug, the draft beer, from the one big, the cake. Yeah. You get 66 beers, but with foam, it's actually 58 beers, so you can steal the six. Mm-hmm. I got to tell you, I'm from Stockton, California. You're losing me with all these numbers.

1:33:02Brian Redban:So what was your scam? Void the drinks after, void a few drinks, not ring them in. Right. When the people paid cash, you would just take the cash. In San Francisco, yeah. Yeah. Not at my current job. Right. Exactly. Very well put. Amazing.

1:33:25Brian Redban:Amazing note. Amazing footnote. You would never do that now, but you totally did it then. Yes. Nice. Mark, tell us more about your life. What exactly are you into? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I play a lot of League of Legends on my phone. Mm-hmm. Specifically on my... Surprise, yeah, a fat dude likes League of Legends. Yeah, I did know this. You can rest your microphone. I can, I do. It's a crazy move. I'm a big boy, baby. Big boy. You are a big boy. Fucking sugar. Yeah, I play League of Legends. League of Legends. Anything else other than League of Legends? You do anything?

1:34:04Brian Redban:You seem like a... I've been doing a little bit of putt-putt golf. Oh, shit. All right. I'm athletic. How many times do you think you've putt-putted recently? Show me your putt stance. I don't think you can see the ball. Okay. Whoa, it's actually very good. That's pretty good. Wow. Look at that. We just went to the Peter Pan one, the local one. They have the racist statues. Oh, I didn't know about this. Now I want to go. Yeah. That's great. Wow. They have a dude doing a full-blown Sigh Heil. Okay. They changed it. Now it's... Hey, dude. What are you trying to do to me up here, man? They changed him from, like, I don't know, essentially a Nazi to, he's a pirate now, so his Sigh Heil hand has a little hook.

1:34:52Are you serious? They shot the Sigh Heil hand off, yeah. Where is this at? It's off of South First in Barton Springs, I think. They're about to tear it down, and they just... Yeah, they saved it, yeah. Wait, what's it called? Peter Pan's Putt Putt Extravaganza Place or something. That's great. Damn.

1:35:09Brian Redban:Oh, you've been there? No, I know about it, though. We all know about it.

1:35:16Brian Redban:Very interesting. Very interesting. Mark, you have a girlfriend or anything like that? Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? In San Francisco. Okay. She's a comedian, too. Oh, nice. Amazing. How long have you two been together? So, we just hit our one-year anniversary a couple months ago. Who's better? She's way funnier than I am. Really? Nice kid. She didn't sign up? Not tonight. Right. She's got another show, which is, you know, what are you going to do? Yeah. Another show? Yeah, she gets booked. Oh, wow. It's a luxury at nine years in comedy I don't have in Austin right now. Yeah. Well, anything can happen.

1:35:51Brian Redban:Anything can change. Here's a big joke book, Mark. I like your style. Sign up again sometime. Thank you very much. We're going to keep it moving along here. You guys still hanging in there? We're coming around the corner. Everybody good? All right. This looks like a brand new name, so this should be fun. make some noise for Flash Goran. Flash Goran. Here comes Flash. How's it going, everybody? My name is Flash Goran. I'm Bosnian, and I don't know what that means either. Yeah, I don't even know my own stereotypes, which is kind of weird. All I know is that other Europeans get very nervous when I'm around them.

1:36:37And you're welcome. That's all I have to say about that. If somebody came up to me and said, you know, all Bosniians are bad drivers, my response would be, you know, what else? I want to know. I'm going to get my Glock out and take some notes. Glock also means makes pens. Not everyone knows that. I'm not the best representative from Bosnians. I know that I forgot most of the language, and I'm a good driver, and also... I think I just forgot the rest. Thanks, guys.

1:37:26Brian Redban:Flash Graham. Welcome to the show, Flash. Thank you. Hi, Ari. What's up? Not much, buddy. How are you? Stereotype by Bosnians. A stereotype is you steal, you lie. I know, but hey, come on. I used to know a truck driver that told me if you ever drive through Bosnia, you don't stop. That's good to know. I haven't been there in a while. Flash, I'm going to tell you right from the top here. I got to tell you, you seem like one of the nicest, most chill people ever. I appreciate that, Sonny. Thank you. Look at every response. He's like, wow, I didn't know that. Thanks a lot. You're adorable. How old are you?

1:38:06Brian Redban:37. 30 in on Friday. Okay. Well, happy upcoming birthday, my friend. Thank you. You're a very likable guy. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? First time ever. First time ever. The sound of a goat. What made you want to start here tonight? Just wanted to go out of town for a while and stop by, and I thought this would be a fun time. Where do you live now? Amarillo. Amarillo, Texas? Originally from Bosnia, but I lived in Amarillo most of my life. Okay. From one war-torn area to the next. Exactly. What made you pick Amarillo? I didn't. I was eight, so I was the youngest in my family.

1:38:44Brian Redban:I don't know if you know this. One of the most interesting fun facts you'll ever hear. Matt Muelling is from Amarillo, Texas. The original guitarist here. Look at him. Are you liberal? That's a wild question, Red Band. I just like both sides equally. There you go. Very good answer. Amazing answer. You're like a very sweet guy. I appreciate that. You like watch the show and stuff. Yeah, I do. You might be one of the most nice people that I've ever pulled out of the bucket before. Can you tell us the worst, the meanest thing you've ever done in your life? Dustin, what do you think it is? I think he groped the door-to-door salesman.

1:39:32Brian Redban:Fucking perfect. Boy, when he lands, they land. Holy shit. I actually was a door-to-door salesman for a while, so you're not wrong. Amazing. If somebody groped you, would you close the deal? Oh, absolutely. Respect. Thank you for that. That was very nice of you. I really appreciate it. What do you sell? You seem like a crazy guy to show up as a door-to-door kid. I would just invite you in, put a blanket over you, make you some tea. Nice. Yeah, I sold vacuums a long time ago. Wow. That's all I've done door to door. Hey, this rock is pretty dirty. Yeah. It's like a$2 ,000 vacuum cleaner. Were you good at selling them?

1:40:14Brian Redban:Not really, no. Okay. What do you do for work now? Currently unemployed. I was an analyst for 14 years, and then I got let go, and then I worked at a slaughterhouse for about a year. Oh my god. Oh my god. Well, hello there, little cow. I got bad news for you today. I don't know exactly how to break this to you, but you're going to be used for better things than just standing out in a field now. You're going to be able to give people life. Wow. When you killed them, what did you feel? I didn't actually do the killing. I did a lot of the cleaning up after. Oh, wow. $2 ,000 vacuum cleaner, huh? Damn.

1:41:03Brian Redban:Now that's a pretty frightening job, right? Serious shit. We cannot picture you, one of the sweetest people ever pulled out of the bucket mopping up cow blood. Is it cows? Mostly cows? Yeah, cow blood and, uh, yeah, it's pretty gross. Organs and shit. Yeah. All on the floor. Wow. All on the floor? Someone's got to do it and I'm the guy for the job. Gosh darn it. If not me, then who? If not now, then when? Amazing. Gosh darn it. I really like you. What's the craziest thing that you ever saw at the slaughterhouse where you're like, God, this is kind of crazy? When the vents get clogged up and the blood just kind of rises up.

1:41:50Brian Redban:And then what, you have to plunge it or something like that? Yeah, I have to take it apart and then make sure that all of it drains out. Make sure that all of it drains out. I'm sorry. Some people, what I love about this audience, some people are covering their faces in fright and some dudes in the corner are cracking up right now, just hysterically laughing at the fact that you'd have to remove a vent and chop up what's already been chopped up. Amazing. Flash, what's your love life like? What do you have chained up to a radiator right now? Nothing currently, but I do have a girlfriend. You do?

1:42:24Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness. What's that? I'm surprised too, Ari. You're adorable. Where'd you meet her at? On Bumble. Hey. Hey. I don't like starting conversations, and the girl has to talk first when you match, so that was perfect for me. Oh, my goodness gracious. So she started the conversation, and then what? Where did you take this girl on your first date? We went to a restaurant the first time, and then we went to Palo Duro Canyon the second time. What was that? We went to Palo Duro Canyon the second time to go hiking. What is that exactly? Palo Duro Canyon is the second biggest canyon in the world, I think.

1:43:03Oh, wow. That's in Amarillo?

1:43:06Brian Redban:Wow. Okay. And then where did you plant that first kiss at? Was that in the canyon? Is she still in the canyon? Did she go for the kiss first? No, that was me. Damn. Oh my goodness. So what was your move? Were you guys having a conversation at the time? Or were you looking up at the stars? How did that... Tell us about that first kiss. We were at the park and she talked about how she wanted to have a boyfriend and she didn't want to be friends anymore. And I just kind of went for it right away. Wow. So you like closed your eyes and leaned in like that? Yeah, I think so. Hell yeah. Perfect. Hey, would you like to kiss?

1:43:49Would you like to sit on my cock later?

1:43:52Brian Redban:Are you there? And now you guys have sex on a regular basis. A couple times a week. I love it. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you like to do? Because you have such a cool name, Flash Garan. It seems like almost a porn star name. Would we be shocked to see your violent behavior in the... What's your big move in the bedroom? What's your favorite thing to do during sex? It's pretty basic. Yeah, you throw a thumb in her ass and make her gag with your other hand? That sounds about right. Okay, perfect. Sometimes I'm just on the money, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just... Sweet Sarah Sloan's like, is that really what happens?

1:44:36Brian Redban:No, I'm kidding, Sarah. Amazing. Flash. Wow. Does she, like, boss you around in the bed? But not all the time. Flash, I find you to be such a sweet guy. What are your goals? Like, what do you want to do with the rest of your life? You're 37. You're currently unemployed. Is that correct? That's correct. Where do you see the rest of your life going? You are comically adorable. I appreciate that. He has to say he appreciates it. He can't just let it go. He's so sweet that he has to let us know that he appreciates it. I just want to find a job and hopefully something with a lot of vacation time so I can go travel as much as I can.

1:45:19Where do you want to travel? Thailand?

1:45:24No, I like the state of Washington better.

1:45:28Brian Redban:Okay. I can explain. Yeah, go ahead. Explain. Why do you love the state of Washington? So my favorite thing to do is called wing walking. It's where you get on top of an airplane while it's flying. And then you just ride around on the plane. they used to have that in Washington yo on top of the plane like yours if I told on top of the plane I really hope we won't crash airplane can you please take care of me wow it was a really good time up there such a funny guy to tell your girlfriend hey you want to go wind walking I actually did tell her that Are you going to take her sometime? I took her once, she didn't pass the training Ah What is the training for wind walking exactly?

1:46:21Basically you're just The plane's on the ground and you climb up and down the plane What did she have trouble with? Climbing up The climbing up So is she No I'm doing the climb Was this a climb like she needed some carabiners And a guy at the bottom holding the rope and she'd be baby girl.

1:46:44No, it's just hard to do. You have to have a background in climbing and Freddie athletics, so. How many times have you wind walked?

1:46:52Brian Redban:Three times. Wow. My goodness. That is incredible. And you love it. Yeah, it's my favorite thing. Wow, what's your second favorite thing? That is an answer we've never had on this show. in its history, by the way. We've never had someone that works at a slaughterhouse, and we've never had a windwalker before, and goddamn it, this is the last guy that I would ever think would do either one of those things. Second favorite thing, jumping off the stratosphere building in Vegas. You jumped off of it? Yeah, you can bungee jump off of it. Oh, okay. You're a real adrenaline junkie. Surprisingly, yeah.

1:47:34Brian Redban:Very surprisingly. It is very surprising. This is incredible. Wow. Are you ticklish? Very. I would have guessed that, yeah. There's a lot of pent-up energy in there. When you want to burn off some steam flash, what do you do locally? Like when you're in Amarillo or here or whatever, like when you want to get loose, when you feel a little antsy, what do you do? Hiking, weightlifting, video games, just pretty basic stuff. I love it. What makes you like really fucking angry? Yeah, that's a great question. Because I can't picture you getting angry now that I've met you. What was the last thing where you were like, fuck?

1:48:16Brian Redban:Yeah, exactly. Great fucking question. Probably from losing my job. How did you react? I tell you, I tell you. Listen, you're a nice guy. But we got to let you go. Fuck! Hey, look at that. Well, Flash. What's your social media In case someone that wants to hire you Can reach out to you for something Because you seem like a fucking You seem like just a decent Very decent human being Thank you Tony Had to say it Unbelievable I love it Flash Goran That's your real name My name is Goran I just have a nickname Flash Goran I love it Because you're so fast At work and you still live in Amarillo, right?

1:49:07Yeah, I still live there.

1:49:08Brian Redban:Okay, and that's where your girl lives too? Yeah. She lived with you? Yeah, she does. She's from Amarillo as well though? She's originally from LA. I'm originally from Bosnia, but we've been in Amarillo for a long time. So if someone wanted to hire you somewhere else in Texas or somewhere else, you'd be willing to do that? I'm in no way against that. Perhaps someone even in the windwalking industry could hire you. That would be awesome. Conceivably. Wow. Well, put it out there. Someone in the windwalking industry or really anywhere wants to hire Truly, who might be one of the sweetest men we've ever met, hire Flash Garand.

1:49:44Brian Redban:We have a big joke book for this guy, even though it was his first time and that was just okay. They're going to give you one on your way out. I've run out of him up here tonight. Great job. I appreciate you. How about one more time for Flash? You know what? Sometimes being hilarious doesn't necessarily matter, And it can come from the least expecting places, like being adorably sweet. And it might sound crazy if you're, like, listening to this and not watching it, but, like, he's oddly genuine. Yeah. You see, it really shows about the show. If you just are who you are, you can always resonate.

1:50:21Yeah.

1:50:21Brian Redban:First time. It's a great point. He is just genuine. Like, it feels like that's that guy. Lovely guy. Then again, he could be stabbing everyone behind us right now. 100%. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. You guys with it? All right, let's see what happens here. Make some noise for B. Lee, everybody. B. Lee.

1:50:47My size microphone. It's a big deal for me. I get haircuts for this. I get a lot of different reactions on the haircut, though. Younger comic told me, Beely, you look like you're in your 20s and 40s at the same time. Had a little girl run up to me, said, you look like Jason Momoa, the Wish.com version. Heckler told me, I look like Jason Momoa if he was Aquaman who only lived in a puddle. Your laughter indicates you think these are insults, but I took him as a compliment. because prior to the Momoa, I was getting Walmart Mark Wahlberg, which I'm fairly certain is just Donnie Wahlberg. But I can never be Donnie, not because of the singing, dancing, acting.

1:51:40He can barely do that. It's because he married Jenny McCarthy. And yes, Jenny was a masturbatory fantasy in my teens and 20s. But 40-year-old me knows that would be a sexless marriage. because she's trying to end autism, and you can't do that by fucking a retard. Thank you, folks.

1:52:03Brian Redban:All right, we got there in the end. B. Lee. Welcome, welcome, B. Lee. I was terrified I was going to get that bear. That you were going to what? Get the bear. It comes if you go too late. I don't know if you've seen this shit. Thank you. Thank you, B. Lee. Amazing. I didn't hear you when you said bears. When I said what, It was because of an audio issue. It's all good. Fuck. Thank you, though. I liked you up until that part, so now you're fucked. That's what's crazy. I was doing it more for them, Tony. I apologize. Please hire me. I wish you would have done the set for them, too. Oh. Oh, you're adorable.

1:52:38Brian Redban:It's good to see that the Geico caveman's doing good out here. I just... New sweater. Of all the things that people have told you that you look like, I mean... Neanderthal. I like to be the poster child of giving up. You look like something that Flash should be sweeping up in a slaughterhouse. I saw the guy coming out. I feel like he's only qualified for jobs where you can't look at him. Okay, all right, B. Lee. How long have you been attempting stand-up, B. Lee? Yeah, it's been an attempt of about a little over three years. November was my anniversary. anniversary and you mostly talked about like about 70 80 percent of your set were things that other people have called you if they really called you that or were you using that as a device most of that was most of that was true and you know i punched it up yeah most of that happened right there was a good donnie walberg thing at the end the little remix there that made sense b lee let's talk about your life you ever wind walk before no no what do you like to do for fun?

1:53:43Wind walking. For fun, I just took rollerblading back out.

1:53:48Brian Redban:Whoa. Holy shit. Gay. I cannot picture that. I cannot picture you out there on rollerblading. I got a really active dog. I grew up playing hockey and coaching hockey, so you can get a lot more energy out if I roll. And you live in Austin? I do now. Well, I live in Kyle. Okay. And you're the only human rollerblading in Kyle, Texas. Yeah, yeah. How many times do pickup trucks fly by you screaming a homophobic slur? My neighborhood, I feel, is, like, very much people that lived somewhere else. I don't think there are many Texas people in my neighborhood. Okay, I would bet that the city of Kyle would disagree with that tremendous.

1:54:29The city as a generalization, yes, the city of Kyle, but my particular... What do you do for work, Beely? Currently unemployed.

1:54:38Brian Redban:Wow, very unemployed crew we have here tonight. Yeah, I was doing construction for a little while, but I think either he got arrested or is just ghosting me. Your boss? Yeah, well, he's not my boss anymore, but yeah, he was. What did you do on the construction side? They had me, like, building fences and decks and stuff. Huh. Power tools. What a life we're living. I got a face for power tools. Okay. B Lee, how long have you been unemployed? It's about a year now. It's been about a year that you've been unemployed? Yeah. How'd you make the cushion of money last so long? I was working for, you know, up until we moved out here and I had saved up a lot of money.

1:55:22Who's we? I have a female at home. Okay. Do you have kids? The way you said it? We don't. By the way, the way you said it? Very scary. Yeah. I got a female at home.

1:55:33Brian Redban:Yeah. Well, what is she? I like to... What does she do for a living? She's the main provider, correct? She's a hero, Tony. She's a nurse. Uh-huh. Yeah. Wow. Have you ever... Say it that... They'll tell you within seconds, nurses. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. How do you contribute to this household? I clean. I do all the manly stuff, like, you know, the... Like breaking bricks with my head. and, you know, mow the lawn. And we got a really bad ant infestation. That's a problem here in Texas. So I had to re-caulk the whole house. That was fun, you know. But a lot of vacuuming, folding of laundry, you know, letting her vent about her day, which I would otherwise, you know, interject if I had a job.

1:56:27Yeah.

1:56:29Brian Redban:Why haven't you gotten a job in a year? Well, I, you know, I was doing the construction and then... A year ago? No, no, no. Well, it was less than a year ago. I haven't had... I didn't consider that a real job. When's the last time you worked? Before I moved out here, I was selling car parts. Okay. Yeah. And how long have you lived out here? It's been a little over a year. What the fuck is going on here? So the construction job didn't last that long. It was kind of... Does your girlfriend ever ask you, when are you going to get a job? It's been a conversation more than once. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

1:57:09And what do you say? Yeah, what do you say when she asks you? I say, hey, look at this application that I'm putting in. Yeah. You got to make it very evident, you know, that we've lapped up. Has it, like, caused strain on the relationship? Not yet, but I could get there. It's coming. Yeah. If this set went better, I was going to beg Tony for a job, but I don't think it's going to work, Ari.

1:57:30Brian Redban:That's definitely not. If I didn't hire Flash, I'm definitely not hiring your ass. Flash is a machine. He looks like he's... I appreciate that, Tony. I hear him in my head saying, thank you, even though I'm gone, I really... The respect is... I mean, it's just overwhelming, Tony. Meanwhile, I have your unappreciative ass going, I don't know if you've seen the show, but I haven't worked in a year, but a lot of years. Once again, Tony, that was just for them. I do apologize. Okay, stop. You guys shouldn't laugh. Somehow you made it weird. Oh, you're making it weirder. That's incredible. Have you noticed that the sex life has also taken a negative turn after you stopped being the provider?

1:58:14That's on the chore list, Ari. Okay. Yeah. What? You were asking about things I had to do. If I didn't do the sex, I'm pretty sure it would be a lot worse.

1:58:27Brian Redban:Let me tell you something. Give us a redeeming quality about you. Give us a good deed that you've done or something. People tonight have worked with... Saved a guy from drowning once. Oh, really? Wow. Look at that. Where was that at? It was when I was living in Vegas. We were hiking the Arizona... Wait, where is there water in Vegas? Tony, he was in the Bellagio Fountain. And I mean, it was like the water was up to his waist. But I'm like, dude, get over here. And I saved his ass, dude. As I was saying, we were hiking the Arizona hot springs. And about halfway up to the hot springs, there's like a big ledge that you can jump from into the water.

1:59:09And I was with a guy from Texas and some pharmacy kids. I was working in pharmacy at the time. What were you doing in a pharmacy? I was a pharmacy technician for a dozen years. Yeah. So I did it for 10 out in Vegas. So how did you spot that he was drowning? Was he like, oh, you're... His girlfriend was like, I don't think he's kidding. And I looked over, and he was breathing water instead of swimming. And did you jump in and save him? I was already in the water. I jumped off the cliff already. So I came up to him.

1:59:44Brian Redban:So you were already next to a guy that was drowning, and you're like, here you go. Another guy swam to shore. So I did better than... And that was his actual friend. So I saved him. And he was a pharmacist, so he maybe didn't kill somebody later. So, you know. I don't know what any of this means, B-Lee. But I'm guessing that was for them, for the crowd or something. B-Lee, everybody. There he goes. B-Lee, everyone. It's hard to come across as likable after Flash Garant. So, I mean, just like some people were bad at comedy tonight, and then the next guy was great. I think anyone after Flash seems completely unlikable.

2:00:23Right?

2:00:25Brian Redban:Except for our last comedian of the night, ladies and gentlemen, who's one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show. Everybody, every single week, not only does he write a new minute, he writes about two minutes, doing double the work that he has to do. He's a fucking freak of nature, here to bring it home, show you how it's done. Make some fucking noise for what was once the dark storm of Atlanta, and now is the dark storm of Austin. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

2:00:59Yeah! When I first moved to Austin, I was working at his car wash called Surf Through Car Wash. And they hired me as a manager and then afterwards told me that tattoos are not accepted, like they can't be seen at the car wash. and that let me know these niggas aren't good with money because the more tattoos you have, the more people trust you with their car. You don't want a blank nigga telling you your rims are dirty. You don't want a blank nigga looking at your transmission. You want a felon with a throat tattoo being like your filter's dirty. You're like, whatever you need, sir, just don't go back to jail.

2:01:55Tattoos let you know a motherfucker went through something to work here. Like, doctors don't have tattoos. Surgeons don't have tattoos. You know who do? Nurses. Nurses are sexy as fuck. If the hospitals just only had nurses, everybody would be cured because them niggas can't wait to shove a needle in your neck and get you the fuck out of there. All I'm saying is if you can't punch the drywall, you shouldn't be hanging my drywall. Tattoos let me know that you're a blue-collar worker. Like, you, you don't do anything.

2:02:41You don't sweat for work. Not at all. but look at this motherfucker. He's got his tattoos and he be drumming his fucking ass off. You sitting over here laid back like a bitch. That's my time. I'm sorry. I love it.

2:02:59Brian Redban:Dedrick Flynn. For those of you watching or listening to the show, the guy that he pointed at and said you don't do anything for work is without a doubt a guy that doesn't do anything for work. Completely shaking his head no and looks like he's done nothing before. Yeah. You nailed it. Dedrick, how's life going? Fucking good. Hey, yo, Dustin Poirier, I was going to say, the only reason you lost that first Conner fight is because that nigga had a throat tattoo, but then you figured it out, and then you whooped that nigga's ass and broke his leg, right? Two times. You know what I'm saying? That's what it is.

2:03:35But you got more tattoos after that. Because tattoos on a white boy raised a battle power morning.

2:03:47Brian Redban:There is something to that tattoo thing. Great premise. Yes. And that is true. You did beat Conor McGregor's ass twice. Twice. It's incredible. And I did get more tattoos. Yeah. And I won$1 ,200.

2:04:03Absolutely. Maybe you can pay that chick. That chick is Fiona a coffee and he's in a wheelchair. He's got a...

2:04:13Brian Redban:Give Fiona her 300. Yeah, I can. I can. No. No. I love it. Dedrick, what else is going on in life? Oh, man. I've been touring. Them niggas sent me up to Salt Lake City last week. Fuck Salt Lake. I'm just playing. They bought a lot of tickets, but I didn't... I thought the city was nice until they started delaying my flight. and then I was like, okay, my flight don't leave for extra day. Let me stay. You know what I like to do? I like to drink. Nigga, the bars close at 11.15. Oh, yeah. It is not a good... That should not be a town. Yeah. That shouldn't even be a city. Like, fuck that. Like, why do people move there?

2:05:00Mormons be tripping me the fuck out. These niggas be eating mushrooms but can't drink or have caffeine. Yep. I sold a lot of mushrooms as merch.

2:05:11Brian Redban:Yeah. Isn't there alcohol less? Alcohol? The beers are less. Yeah, they water it. You have to buy a food menu item before you can, like, purchase that. That was... That is bullshit. Just say you don't like black people. Like, you know what I'm saying? There are certain cities that when you walk in, it was like, hey, we don't serve Hennessy or Heineken. Unless? And I was like, I haven't even ordered yet. You know what I'm saying? Like, just say you don't want me in your bar. I heard the music, nigga. Paramore was playing, but I love Paramore.

2:05:48Are Mormons the ones that do soaking?

2:05:50Brian Redban:Yeah, they do the soak. They do the soak. You know soaking? Yeah, what's your take on it? Well, explain it to the people that might not know. So, so, uh... So, like, Dedrick, he can't, like, fuck the bitch, But what he can do is get me while he's around the pussy with his massive cock. Yes. And I'll shake the bed for him. They call it soaking because you put your dick inside, but you don't move. But then I move the bed for you. Yeah, and then you move the bed, and that's called friendship. And to be honest, when I'm doing that, I think at this point even God would be like, just fuck the bitch you got your friend there for sure that was it's a weird city because either you are Mormon in the Mormon Bible they say that when the devil tricked one third of the angels to rebel against God God turned their skin black so all black people are like devils they're not wrong right now but that's kind of mean, but they said I could be white again if I get saved through the Mormon faith, and I don't think I want to be white.

2:07:13The word nigga sounds so good.

2:07:17Brian Redban:Let me tell you something. It sounds good to us. Come on. Yeah.

2:07:24Brian Redban:Dedrick, we fucking love you. You're a superstar. Thank you.

2:07:31Brian Redban:Thank you to our sponsors, BlueTube, PrizePix, and Talkspace. how loud can this place get for the great Dustin Poirier everybody joining us his Kill Tony panel debut so fun how about one more time for the great Ari Matty everybody he's on the biggest tour possible he's working harder than anybody and that's including when he's not on tour here in Austin I mean this is the hardest working guy it shows through the work one more time for Ari Matty Kill Tony is going to Las Vegas, Nevada, doing Kill Tony with the WWE WrestleMania April 18th in Vegas. We're doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles May 7th.

2:08:16Brian Redban:And we're happy to announce we are doing Madison Square Garden again for the third year in a row. August 7th and 8th, two obviously two different shows both nights in the greatest arena of all time. Madison Square Garden. That'll be our fifth and sixth sold-out shows ever. It's absolutely unbelievable. It's my favorite time of the year, August in New York. What's better than that? The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in, and it is incredible. It is indeed Ari Matty and Dustin Poirier. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, it's Dustin Poirier! Look at that! Again, only for tonight. The merch is across the street at a Kill Tony pop-up for South by Southwest.

2:09:03Brian Redban:Shout out to the Kill Tony band. One more time for them. Thank you to Heidi. Go to HeidiRegina.com. See all things Heidi Regina. And that's about it. Red Band? Check out my new video, You Know Me. CapRed7 on YouTube and Spotify. Vegas, Los Angeles, New York, and of course, every show here in Austin sold out. So come see us in one of those cities. Vegas, LA, or New York. Live audience, we love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody.

2:10:07Thank you.

2:10:29Bye.

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