#766 - SAM TALLENT

18:51Brian Redban:David Edwards. Keep it going for his barber who really got most of the laughs tonight. Amazing. David, how are you, buddy? I'm doing great. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my 10th mic. Your 10th mic ever. Yes, sir. Mic. Calling it a mic. It's the biggest thing in show business. Trying to be professional. Typical mic. Just millions and millions of people watching. Like most open mics, you know. A tent of crowd, a band behind you. Yeah, exactly. So, David, how long ago was the first mic? Six months ago when I moved here. Six months ago. What made you want to start comedy six months ago?

19:30Probably the haircut. Yeah, yeah. No, I, well, in Utah, I fell in love with a bisexual woman. Bisexual women? Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, there's only one. Yeah, yeah. She started to have sex with this blonde guitarist. Yeah, yeah. Guy or girl? Girl. Girl. So she's just getting finger blasted to the moon right now. So wait, so she left you for a female guitarist? Is that what you're saying? We were never together, Tony. You just fell in love with her? I fell hard. From how far away did you fall in love with her? Mandatory 100 foot. Excellent. Yeah. What grade is she in?

20:16You got this. David. It's my age. My age. So how old are you? I'm 22 now. 22. So you moved from Utah here six months ago. Yes, sir. Awesome. What were you doing with your life up until that point? Doing fiber optic works. Okay. Construction. instruction why because the end of the cable matched your head yeah yeah yeah yeah what'd they do put you in a pipe and you like scurried around like a badger i just fucked a power outlet dude i don't know yeah so how are you surviving in austin texas uh i finally got a job i i i was in debt that's why i only have 10 mics um so open mics are so expensive yeah yeah yeah it's the big barrier to comedy back yes sir you don't have money it's hard to do go ahead uh but i finally got a job doing fiber optic works again you specialize in fiber optics sure yeah wow wow amazing and did you grow up all of your life in utah uh yes sir lbs or no No, no, no.

21:23All right. No, no. That means Mormon jerks. Yeah. So David, you're 22, you're starting now. Did you do your hair like that specifically only when you go do stand-up comedy? Yes, sir. Yeah, just for tonight. Yeah. Exactly. So the stuff was working. You got a big laugh coming out. And then you got a good chuckle from Red Band on the, um, on the, uh, what is it, baboon hemorrhoid joke? Oh, yeah, that was great. Yes, sir. But then it kind of, it kind of, it kind of all went away after that. Yes, sir. So do you plan on doing more mics to... Yes, sir. Now that I have a job, I can fix up my Jeep. And what's your job, human ferret?

22:12Oh, yes. I'm going to say this. You came out, you have confidence, you're doing good in the interview, you're doing the funny faces, you have timing. your jokes are going to catch up to what you're currently doing, and it's probably going to be a lot easier to do more than a minute. Yes, sir. Thank you. And you're 22. Thank you.

22:26Brian Redban:That's how old I was when I started. It's a good age to start at. Thank you. So what else are you into in life? Do you have any hobbies or you collect things? You seem like the kind of guy that would do, like, those finger skateboards or something like that. That's my brother, actually. Really? He's actually a yo-yo guy, too. Hey, save some pussy, this guy's brother. Yeah. My goodness. Believe it or not, I have the looks. Wow. You're a handsome kid. You got piercing green eyes. You're just doing a weirdo thing. I get it. So how about you? Your brother's into yo-yos and finger skateboards. What are you into?

23:04Well, I was into hiking and video games and stuff like that, but since moving out, I've just been jacking it. Wow. Okay. That's illegal in Utah. Yeah. Yeah. What have you been jacking it to? What are you into? What are some of your wild fantasies? Let's talk about it. You're 22. We don't get to talk about jacking it with a 22-year-old very often. Not enough.

23:28Brian Redban:Yeah. Normally we'd have to have our own island to have these kinds of conversations. And you wouldn't be 22, I'll tell you what. Not on our island. We'd have the sweetest young ass. Yeah. You'd be a cougar in our world with that lion mane of yours. You'd be run through and gross. We can still make something happen. No, we can't. Yeah, we can. What, you and us? Uh-oh. So, yeah, what are your sexual proclivities? Uh, well, I kind of had, like, a rough come up. So, stepfamily... mom. Okay. Yeah. Stepmoms. Yeah. You said stepfamily first, because of the... might be a dad or an uncle in there. That's, like, the category.

24:13That's like the... Brady Bunch stuff. So what happened to you in your childhood that makes you think that psychologically you're attracted to stepmoms? Oh, well, my mom, she's cool now. She's great. She's killing it. She's like an old man in a rocking chair, man. She's rocking it, all right? Okay. What was she doing before? Well, she was like an alcoholic, hard, and she just wasn't there a lot. When she was there, she was drunk. She's cool now, man. She's doing great. But when she was gone, your new hot stepmom showed up, right? No, my dad was a bigger guy, so... What's wrong with that? Uh, well...

24:54No, you're looking good now, man. Hey, right back at you. Just kidding.

25:02Well, any other crazy thing we should know about the life of David Edwards? Any fun facts? You ever almost die? You ever save a life? You ever have any... Well, when I graduated high school, I got four babies. raccoons. I just kind of found them. So I raised them up and then I let them free and now there's like so many raccoons in Utah, dude. That's all me.

25:24Brian Redban:Out of absolutely nowhere. At an absolute insane time to come out. Eyes up. Eyes up. Thank you, Heidi. Okay. That was wild. Alright. Okay. Here you go. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Just getting started. David Edwards. everybody.

25:48David Edwards. Haircuts will take you a long way early in comedy. I'm against it. Well, I'm not saying everyone should have cool hair, right Red Band? Yeah. Oh, Red Band, gross. You know, doing your hair to be able to do jokes, it's just something that I've kind of always been against. But, you know, he's starting out. He's just getting his legs underneath him. He's got hemorrhoids. He'll figure it out.

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29:07A recommendation to trade any commodity interest or an offer to open an account. Kill Tony is not registered with the CFTC or NFA. PrizePix predict does not endorse or guarantee any statements made by third-party promoters or influencers. Please consult with a qualified professional before making any trading decisions. On to our next bucket pool. You guys get it? You having fun yet?

29:21Brian Redban:All right, here we go. Number two goes by the name of Candice August. Everybody, here comes Candice August.

29:32Hey. I am in an interracial marriage, and so I'm the only black person in my husband's family. And because of that, they always have annoying-ass questions for me. One time, my sister-in-law was like, Hey, Candace, can you please talk to the kids about Juneteenth? And that shit pissed me the fuck off. Because then I had to go look up what Juneteenth was.

30:06I had absolutely no idea. I snuck in the bathroom and searched that shit on Google. I was like, oh, this is why I was off work on Monday? Oh, okay.

30:19Since they always got questions for me, I decided to start making shit up, just giving us superpowers. They asked me a dumb question, I give them a dumb answer. Like, hey, Candace, do black people like fried chicken? Of course we do. And we can see in the dark. Did you know that? That's my time. Y 'all have a good night.

30:39Brian Redban:Candice August. Damn! Hi, Candice. You've been on this show before. I have. Hi, Tony. Hi, Redman. Hello. Very funny. Welcome back. Sam, is this your first time seeing Candice? I think so. And I got to say, Candice, you came out with like 20 seconds of setup and paid off that Juneteenth joke. And it was awesome. That was great. Thank you so much. Sam, it's not our first time meeting. No? No, we were on two comedy festivals together, one in Santa Fe and one in Hawaii. Oh, that Santa Fe one. Can you believe it only lasted one year? Yeah. It's an industry joke. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I get it. And that Hawaiian one was also like a real who cares, jack-off-lose show at the festival.

31:19Who the fuck's going to comedy shows? You live in paradise. They don't give a fuck. They just are like... But it was beautiful. It was a beautiful place.

31:25Brian Redban:Oh, you're telling me. Welcome back, Candace. Remind us, how long you been doing stand-up, Candice? 13 years. 13 years. Where at? All over, actually. All over the East Coast. I started in D.C., then I did New Jersey, New York, then I did Tampa, Florida, and then I moved here. Nice. Absolutely. Thank you. There's a couple things I want to clear up. Can I have a moment? Okay. All right, so. You're clearing up things from previous appearances? Yes. Okay. How long ago was your last time on the show about Ballpark? No, I remember. It was June 2025. Perfect, okay. It's Juneteenth, right? Yeah, no. Let's do it, let's make our corrections here.

32:03Clear some things up for us, Candice. All right, so it's only two things. So number one, I got really good feedback. They were like, oh, she was so funny, blah, blah, blah. But then no one could find me because no one spells my name right. My name is spelled K-A-N-D-Y-C-E. Last name is August like the month. If you're looking for me online, please follow me. So that was number one. Number two, even though they said great things about my comedy that said horrible things about my appearance. They were so mean. They were just like, she's so fat. Does she have diabetes? I would like to say the last time I was on the show, that was not me being fat.

32:37That was me being pregnant. I just had a baby.

32:40Brian Redban:Wow. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Look at that. Red Band. Red Band, you can use that excuse every week. I'm preggers. I love it. You really just had a baby? She's two and a half months old. Okay. Congratulations. Thank you. Do you know whose it is? Huh? Red band. You can't just ask people questions like that. That's crazy to do. What happened to the Mexican dude? Hi, sir. What the fuck is going on over here? Do you know who the father is? Yeah. Is that him? Yes, my husband. The drummer? Okay. All right, perfect. I can't believe that people online were mean to a black woman. They were armed. Yeah, they're mean to everybody, and it's a roasty show.

33:27Brian Redban:Of course. I wouldn't take it too personal. No, they say some real wild stuff on... Yeah. I know. But I know that one of the things that you do on the show is when people need to lose weight, you weigh them, and then you invite them back with a weight loss challenge. That is true. And I'm ready if you want to do it. Really? I'm totally fucking ready, yeah. I mean, you are wearing your jeans backwards tonight. No, that's not... You know the times are tough. Those buttons are holding on for dear life. Those are bullet holes. Heidi, can we get a scale out here? Let's see what happens here. So what is going to be the challenge?

34:06Like how much do I need and when do you want me to come back? I mean, I'll give you six months. Okay. And let's see how much you have. It's a lot. It's a lot. And then we'll set some goals. It's post baby weight, so understand that. You're still glowing. Thank you. Aw, thank you, Sam. Give it up for Sam. He's such a nice guy. I know you don't remember meeting me, but you were so nice every time. I actually do remember meeting you because we hung out in that bad restaurant in Santa Fe. We did. And your name is spelled with a Y, which I also remember. Yes, and remember you said it's pronounced yucca, and I said it's pronounced yuca.

34:43Yeah, and that's why we're not friends. Yeah. Now I remember canned ice.

34:49Brian Redban:That is true. Her name is spelled with a K. Candace is on the scale. Let's see what we got here. What do you got, Candace? 2.39. 2.39. Red Band says that's what he weighs. There's not a chance in fucking hell Red Band weighs that. Red Band famously lies about anything. He once said that he could suck his own dick, everybody. Not only is he not flexible, but his dick is not big enough to reach that far. I was there. That was at the arena show, and he failed miserably. Do you think you weigh 239 or less? I weighed 239 this morning with clothes on. Okay. How about this? I will bet$1 million right now that you come in over 239.

35:35Brian Redban:Let's do it. No, no. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Has anybody ever seen a live$1 million bet before? No. Anybody want to go live for a quick milli? Million dollars. Million for Tony. Tony's going to win. No fucking way 249 249 That's why I said 249 Last episode we found out the scale's about 10 pounds off You actually weigh about 229 You think so? Yeah, yeah No No, remember last episode No, it's been recalibrated We recalibrated it You want to get up there? See if you weigh less than 239 I'm a little bit nervous You didn't shake on the bet so it's not official but I'm still guaranteeing 245 or higher here.

36:22No, I meant 249.

36:25Brian Redban:249. All right. No. In that case, I'm going to go 252. 252 is my guess. Candice, read it when it pops up there. 242.8. Whoa. Still over 239. If I'm back, I would have won the million. All right, I'm going to get on the scale. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Sam Tallent, he took his shoes off. Are you guessing it? Whoa, 252!

36:57I was waiting for you to put your guess in. It's your turn, Tony. 134! Come on, 134! What do you got, Tony? 128 pounds. 150, I think. 166!

37:14Tony, you should have put my shoes on before you weighed in.

37:20166. You guys all have just at least over 50 or 60 pounds on it. Absolutely. You remember that, Blair.

37:31Squishy. That's right. Candice, how's mom life going? Is that your first kid? It's my first. Wow. My very first. How is it? What have you learned? What surprises you? It's a lot. Yeah. It is a lot. But she's perfect. She's perfect. She's half black, half Indian. I gave birth to a little Kamala. Oh, my goodness gracious. Is that the character from Mortal Kombat?

38:00No. She probably already talks better than Kamala. She's actually very smart, very alert. You can see, like, she follows things with her eyes. She's only two and a half months. She's great. What a blessing. Yeah, thank you. I love it. I love her so much. And the Indian dad is being a good dad? He's perfect. Yeah. So perfect. Um, watching her right now so I can come out here and follow my dreams. Right. Yeah, he's great. He's great. When the Indian dad holds her near his armpit, does she start to cry? No. No, Tony! He smells fantastic! Come on! Not being an asshole! Nailed him!

38:41Brian Redban:Gotta get some good Indian dad jokes in there, you know? No, he's perfect. He smells really good. What is he, Cherokee or Choctaw? Nope. Sometimes you don't know if it's the diaper or hem No, no, no Red man Red man Absolutely not, fuck y 'all He's perfect He's wonderful Amazing, and he works with computers and stuff Yeah Right? I mean, they all do That's not even racist Fact, am I correct? Or they're doctors Well, I mean... He actually has an accounting degree. Yeah. Okay, but what does he do for work, though? He works at a debt consolidation company, helping people get out of debt. On a computer.

39:28Yeah. Okay, everything's on a computer, sir. And did he clear up your debt? Yeah.

39:39I don't know how you met, I assume, you know. I don't have any. Because I'm with him. And he's really good with money because he's an accountant. Hell yeah.

39:48Brian Redban:Amazing. Well, Candice, we're looking forward to seeing you in six months. Let's set the goal. So you're at 239 now. What seems reasonable for six months? Sam, you're a weight loss master. What do you think is fair yet challenging? You know what? I feel like if you were able to lose 20 pounds in six months, that's a great step forward in your progress to your health goals. 20 pounds? Okay. And I'm going to jump in here because it seems 20 is a little easy for me. That's what you think. You're 108 pounds. No, I'm 166. Yeah. You have all those gold bars in your pocket. Yeah. You never had to lose a pound in your life, Tony.

40:24Brian Redban:You don't know what you're talking about. I used to cut weight for wrestling. I used to wrestle. I used to wrestle with men. The best days of my life. Was it hard to cut from 115 to 112? I did at times. And down to 103 when I was a freshman. I had to cut from 325 to 275. I played football at 325 and I had to cut 50 pounds. and like it's insane sam how much have you lost total because you were way bigger when i saw you oh thanks i'm a human you look fantastic is what i'm saying thank you well i was pregnant when we met uh i've lost uh i've lost i think based on that that's 96 pounds wow that's more than my fiancee ways i know wow that's incredible oh the book was great by the way i read it thank you thank you fantastic but that's amazing almost 100 pounds yeah yeah great i want to get down to like 115.

41:24but you're like six four i'm gonna get back to my birth weight no

41:32so candace let's have some fun with this you're 239 today you're coming back in six months i think we set it at 215. That's 25 pounds. Let's set it at 25. But let's add a little something. One million dollars. What do we have? I know what I want to win, but go ahead. What do you want to win? I would like to win. I just want to be a part of the show. I would like to win. What? Shut up. They're auditioning for black drummers I would like one of two things Or both, you tell me Either a golden ticket or a spot at Madison Square Garden Okay, let's make a deal here Let's make a deal Because six months will be after Madison Square Garden So that's impossible But let's do this If you lose 25 pounds I'll give you one more spot in addition where you won't have to sign up.

42:39Oh beautiful, but To make things exciting since you're 239 if by some fucking miracle you're able to get to 199 Or less in six months under 200 pounds. Okay. Okay. I mean, I'm just saying it's not that hard in high Okay, well if you only eat steaks, you'll actually do it So the stakes would actually be the path Okay, all right. What is it? I'm fucking ready you get one ninety nine or less I will put you up at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. Let's fucking go.

43:08Brian Redban:A sold-out arena here in not so sexy. Let's fucking go. A little fun weight loss challenge. And you can do it. I can definitely do it. In the meanwhile, ladies and gentlemen, here's a big joke book for you, Candace. There you go. Now she's 240 with that joke book. Look out. You sound like me. Going the wrong direction. There she goes. Candace August, everybody. Hell yeah. All right, we're having fun up here. We're going to keep it moving. I want a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody, crushing it. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Seabass Matar, everybody. Seabass Matar. Okay, here he is.

43:48Hey, what's up, what's up, what's up? All right, no gratitude here, no problem. That's the problem with people today. There's no fucking gratitude anywhere. I saw a guy with a forehead of hair say he had a bad hair day. I was like, bitch. I look like I drive a Honda CR-V as a stepdad. That's what people are missing, man. And one of the things that I was gratefully blessed with was my dad had a heart transplant. So every day he woke up was a grateful day, right? And I got this tattoo in remembrance of him. And it says, all this extra time. That was my dad's motto. I had a Cuban guy tattoo it and I was like, Mira, Emanuel, I don't want to see no silent H's in that bitch.

44:33No tildes. And I love it and I love everything it stands for, but the only thing I regret is where I put it, because it's on my right hand. I gotta go jerk off. I'm like, Papi! You already had your time, you know what I mean? But it does stay true to something my dad always told me, he said, life's gonna get hard, life's gonna get rough. but if you need a hand, I'll always be there for you. And I was like, God damn. Not like that. Thank y 'all. My name is Seabass Mattart.

45:02Brian Redban:Great, Seabass Mattart. I kind of got lost there. You said the dad had a heart transplant. Did he pass away? Yeah, in 2013, but he lived 27... That's what I'm talking about, Red Band. Party time. He lived 27 years extra with a heart transplant. He was supposed to live five, and he outlived the surgeon who gave it to him. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was supposed to be sterile, had me seven years later. Surprisingly enough, this tattoo on your right hand, I had the exact same premise early on in comedy because I have 303 because I'm from Colorado. Okay. But when you jerk off, it looks like wow.

45:42But if you want to go, I'm just remembering, if you want to go fucking Southpaw, you flip it over, treat yourself, and it says mom, and that's a bummer. That's crazy. So it's kind of the same thing, bro. This one, if you kind of look at it, it looks like a dick in bowls. You know what I mean? So it's always like my dad reminded me, like, my dick's bigger than yours. And I was like, I guess that. I guess. Well, we're not doing tags, but very... Fair, fair, fair. All right. Seabass Matar. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years now, closing in on year nine. Wow.

46:11Where at? Miami for about four years, and then over here for about another four years. Okay. How's it going? Good? Yeah, it's going dope, man. I mean, I love Austin. I love Texas. All of Texas has shown me a bunch of love. And I'm actually moving back to Miami next Friday. So this was my last sign-up, and I got fucking pulled again. I was on here like two years ago. Okay. Texas must have been showing you a lot of love if you're moving. That's my wife. My wife and my mom. We need the family. They live here with you now? My wife lives with me. Our families live in Miami. My mom lives in Miami. What ethnicity are you?

46:50Cuban, Chileno. Ooh, Chileno. Yeah. South American, not Mexican. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, we didn't say you were. Yeah, Jesus. The accent Tony said was a little, you know. It's Carlos' birthday. And it looks like you're ready to play horns with that haircut. Hey man, whatever you need. How about the wife? What's the wife's ethnicity? She's full Cuban. Both parents Cuban. Full Cuban. Well, she's a bit of a handful, right? Oh my God. Tell us about the Cuban wife. That's a real firecracker, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. How many times has she broken your glasses? Oh, no, never that.

47:28Never the glasses. No, no, we've never. Thankfully, I'm very blessed with my wife. And you have kids? Not yet. We're working on it, though, definitely. That's part of the reason why we're moving back to Miami. Being around family, trying to have kids. It's easier to conceive when your family's there. That's right. Especially in your in-laws' house, because that's where the fuck I'm going. All right.

47:47Brian Redban:You're moving in with her parents. Yeah. Thankfully, they got a bit. We're not sharing like a small house. They have a four bedroom house. They're empty nesters. So we're going to try to get our feet under us over there and then see what we do. Very nice. And she believes in you doing stand up. She supports you. Yes, thankfully. And did the in-laws support it? Have they ever seen you do a show? Yes, they're actually my biggest supporters. I actually got a show lined up in Miami, just a small little brewery show, nothing crazy. and they're already, like, you know, buying tickets and telling all their friends and everything.

48:16So thankfully, the whole family... Thank y 'all. I appreciate that. They will appreciate this. I think they're doing an injustice. What do you do for work? What do you do for a job? I'm actually a game show host. There's a place called Game Show Battle Rooms just opened up in Austin nationwide, and I am a host for the game shows. What the fuck are you talking about? It's like game shows It's just an escape room and you're ruining it for everybody It's like a higher version of an escape room But yes, right in that same ballpark What a nightmare Is that a tough gig for you? Not at all, it's fun, it's great People have a blast I think I've seen this before I think I've seen an ad or a promo Yeah, it's all over I think it's a cool idea Yeah, yeah, it's very dope Honestly, it sounds very like Man, who's gonna come to this?

49:05But when people go, they like I've seen people walk in very like I don't wanna fucking be here because it's a lot of team building. And then when they leave, they're like, oh, my God, this is amazing. So it's a fun time. Incredible. I'll have to take your word for it. You know what that sound means. Anyway, Seabass, what's another fun fact about your life before I get you out of here? I used to be a hype man for the Miami Dolphins. I actually came out on the Miami Herald, our local newspaper, against the Cleveland Browns. back in 2016, Jay Ajayi drove in the game-winning touchdown. I think it was in overtime.

49:42And I came out of the Miami Herald, like, high-fiving him. So, that was dope, man, you know? What does that have to do with you coming out?

49:54I thought you were married to a woman, and you're gonna... Hey! Yeah. Oh! Alright. Now, what's Seabass, man? I didn't know that was a name. In Spanish, Sebastian's my name, and then Sebas is what everyone would call me, Sebas Sebas. So then in Miami, 95 % of the people speak Spanish and Sebas just stuck and it was Sebas. Hmm. Great. I thought it... Well, we hope that you have a wild success in Miami. Keep chasing your dreams and have a good time. Appreciate it. Um, yeah. Here's one last little joke book. There you go. Another little one. Oh, shit. That's the half Cuban side of me. I would have caught it if I was full Cuban.

50:36The Chileno would have caught it. Am I saying that correctly? Yes. What are they known for, the Chilenos? I don't have any racist jokes. Succer. Knife crime. Empanadas. All right. Easter Island. Okay, that's enough. There he goes. One more time for Steve Aspitar.

50:52Brian Redban:Back to Miami, he goes. That should be a new part of the show. If you don't do good, you have to move to Miami. Oh, hello. I didn't see you over there. Just to let you know, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Picture this. It's late at night and you're scrolling through your feeds when all of a sudden you see it. That one product that you've been looking for. You click on the link, add to the cart, maybe even shop around a little bit more before finally hitting checkout. As you're filling in your address, you realize you don't have your cart anywhere near you. That's when you see it, that purple pay button that has all your information saved.

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52:08Brian Redban:Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash killtony. Go to shopify.com slash killtony. That's shopify.com slash killtony. Go to shopify.com slash killtony right now. What's the difference between butter and butter made from real California dairy? it's the real California farm families behind it. Real people, real care, real intention. Why? Because real matters. So whether you're pouring milk, melting cheese, or just grabbing one more spoonful of yogurt, keep it real. Look for the seal. Real California milk by Real California Farm Families. All right, your next bucket poll, anything can happen, folks, goes by the name of Austin Ingalls, everybody.

53:00Brian Redban:We're going to meet Austin all together. Here he is. How we doing, everybody? How we doing? Thank you so much. I'm from the Midwest. My family's old-fashioned, is what you say when your family's still racist. And all my friends are starting families of their own, and one of my friends, his kid has Asperger's, ADHD, and autism. I can never remember little fucker's name, so I just call him AAA.

53:30I used to work at a prison for like three years, and you meet a lot of interesting people when you work at a prison. Employees as well. We worked with this one guy who would eat his own hair. And if you can believe it, he didn't crush it with the women. There was reason for that. He was into child porn. Yeah, he got busted at his house with a computer full of child pornography. That was the last time I trusted a co-worker with my laptop.

54:00Thank you. I saw a homeless person outside holding a sign that said, Dying of AIDS. Could have used that sign before the blowjob.

54:12Thank you, guys. I'm Austin Ingalls.

54:14Brian Redban:Austin Ingalls, everybody. Is this your first time on the show, Austin? Second. It's been a while. What did we find out about you last time you were on the show? Not much. I bombed the interview pretty hard. Really? Yeah. Can you describe it a little bit better for us? for a mic? Matt Reif was on. It was like one of the first times in comedy that I've had like an out-of-body experience. And it was on this fucking show. It's pretty terrible. Matt Reif does that. Yeah, he's a handsome fella. When you're looking at that guy, you're out of my body. Usually he only does that to women, though. Speak for yourself there.

54:47I would never speak for you, Tony. That's right. Where in the Midwest are you from? Like the Quad Cities, Peoria area. Donnie Townsend. on your uh yeah i just put out donny town all right i put out a special on my youtube that's interesting because i'll be in the midwest so i'll be in chicago and madison and grand rapids yeah peoria is where i grew up i'm doing my plugs sorry uh no but you're wearing the comedy cabin that's a great club yeah yeah dude good for you thank you so austin uh you really worked at a prison yeah for like two and a half years uh in the like keep by kiawanee illinois very small town what did you do at the prison correctional officer wow hated it tell us something that was um that was going on there what did you learn that surprised you being a there are murderers free in the street right now but like murdered people in the 80s and they're just out now yeah tell us something we don't know yeah well i didn't know that oh yeah until i worked as they get probation and stuff yeah and one of them was like about to die he was like 85 and And they're just like, yeah, you can just go, dude.

55:50There's the door. He was a great worker, but yeah. He told me he watched somebody's soul leave their body on PCP, and he's free now, so. Okay. All right. That was pretty cool. What do you do for work now? Door guy stuff on Rainy Street. There we go. Ladies, maybe go one at a time.

56:10Brian Redban:Fucking bozos. There's just two women walking side by side with each other, knocking over everything that exists. Absolute fucking idiots. You ever seen anything crazy like that? Ruined everything for me. Thanks, ladies. Literally. Women can't even fucking... They have to hold on to each other to do anything in society. It's fucking unbelievable. Sorry that the stuff happening out there is more entertaining than you, Austin. But, I mean, holy shit, I've never really seen anything like it. It took two or three drinks getting knocked over for it to get my attention. And then, sure enough, there they are.

56:42just holding on to each other through a tight alleyway. No tits at all.

56:50Fuck yeah. You ever see a man get raped at your job?

56:57A guy in a wheelchair... Oh, I got... I'm gonna let that... No, a guy in a wheelchair was getting raped by another, like, retarded person in healthcare. I didn't do it. I don't know why you're grounding at me. I wonder why you had to say he was retarded. He was, though. He's a rapist, but you don't have to go crazy. He's a wheelchair guy rapist. We don't have to cast aspersions. Let me ask you this. Did this happen in the showers or something? The health care area, yeah, back in the shower areas. Like, they have their own little cells. Was the guy showering in his wheelchair? He just couldn't move, so, like, the retard would go in there.

57:35Jesus.

57:35Brian Redban:I mean, you say it like you just watched it every day. Get the hose. Mikey's up to it again. We got to put a bell on Jeff. His wheelchair's all over. Oh, they're using the stoma. Did you ever see this take place? I didn't see it, no. You never saw it? I was in the healthcare area on first shift, and apparently this was happening on third shift, so. Got it. I just missed it, so. Got it. Damn. Just like the security camera outside of Epstein's cell. Nope. At least his ass is clean. The wheelchair guy's ass is probably, you know, the cleanest it would ever be. Redband. He did get washed by people.

58:15Redband's on to something there. He was getting washed and taken care of. Like cleaning a baby in a sink, right? All right. Yeah. But, yeah. What do you do for work now, Austin? Work at a place called Crazy Conscious on Rainey. It's like a door guy. So security, do some comedy shows there. Okay. And then just, you know, do spots around town as much as I can. All right. What else? You in love? Do you have a girlfriend? No, I love all the Mexican... It's a Mexican restaurant, so I see a lot of beautiful Latinas, and I would love to get with one of those someday.

58:46Brian Redban:Have you ever been with a... All right. Quit saying one of those, then. Yeah. I'm going to put you on some game, young blood, all right? Hey, hey, I want them. One of you should suck me. Suck. So you've been with a Latina woman? Yes, I have, yes. What have you noticed is different being with a Latina woman than a white woman? What is it about them that... you think psychologically you find satisfaction. You have to get that. They're loyal. I mean, they are loyal. Getting the corn skin off of the pussy, that's tough. Tamale. Come on, Carlos. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yeah.

59:27Oh, that's good. They're loyal? That's your answer? No. I mean, you know, like they get psycho and I like that. I was just hooking up with one and she took it further. So, you know. Like what? What do you mean? went through my phone when I was asleep and uh she just wanted your Netflix password this is an actual thing that you can go through the history of Coltony and you will find out that Latino women go through your phone when you're sleeping a little fun fact for you jealous as fuck it was a Tinder matchup I thought we were both on the same playing field but she took it further I went through my phone after the second time hanging out When you say Tinder matchup, this was like a first date or something?

1:00:10Second time hooking up. Second time hooking up and she's already going through your phone? Yeah, never really went on a new date.

1:00:16Brian Redban:Okay, Red Band, stick with the soundboard. Stick with the fucking soundboard. There's a lot of buttons you could hit. Look, look, look. Turn up your volume. Look, there you go. There you go. Hit that one. It's a perfect time for that one. There you go. Jesus Christ. Then I found out she worked at McDonald's and she didn't bring me food. I wasn't happy about that. And then the whole night afterwards, yeah, is when she went through my phone. That's crazy on the second hookup going through. Second hookup. Can't imagine. Extra crazy. Yeah. That's what Latino women are like. Did you eat at McDonald's before you had sex with her?

1:00:46No, I didn't. I didn't find out until after. That's why I was mad. Shiveries dead. Yeah, shiveries. Yeah. Amazing. Well, don't sound great in that situation, but Austin, fun times. Here you go. Thank you, sir. Austin, appreciate it. Thank you, guys.

1:01:02Brian Redban:All right, let's have some fun in here right now. We have one of our newest golden ticket winners who is an absolute fucking machine ready to go. Very funny man. We love him. You're going to love him. He's getting spots. He just recently got passed here at the mothership from being seen by the talent coordinator at Amiga. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back the great Pat O 'Neill, everybody. Here he is, the very funny Pat O 'Neill.

1:01:31Folks. Thank you. My son just came out as trans. Well, shouldn't call him my son anymore. Now that he's dead to me. they got him on puberty blockers or as pedophiles call him preservatives fucking

1:02:04miracle medicine the other day at my job I was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets I work in a circus and

1:02:17He goes, there's people choosing to do this. Fucking calm down Tyrion, you bigot. You there, sir, let me ask you, what do you call a little person with ADHD? That's right, a fidget. Good answer. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings. The ultimate puberty blocker and You know, these shootings are often done by the same race. I'm looking at you, honkies. White kids need to learn from their black classmates and save the shootings for after school. For them, it's an extracurricular activity. Okay, thank you. Wow. Pat O 'Neill.

1:03:08Thank you. Every fucking line was a punchline, bro. That's how stand-up should be. That's very good. Jokes. Yes, jokes. No waste fucking opportunity to get a laugh out of these people, bro. You respected their time. That got me fired up, dude. That was fucking sick.

1:03:27Brian Redban:Above and beyond. Me too. I forgot how good it can be. That is not only the set of the night so far, but that's some of the best material I've heard, period, in a long time. Fucking love you, Pat. Preservatives? Preservatives is sick, and then you call back to it, like, three jokes later in a one-minute set? Like, dude, just way to go, bro. It's an ass thing. I think it's a good crowd, too. Who wants some candy? Whoa. You on and want, too. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. It's a Reese's Cup. It's got a cannon on him. Pat, what's your, like, writing process like? How much material do you think you have if you were to do the longest set possible?

1:04:06and yeah, I'll follow that up with another question. I mean, I can do like, there's only so many black and trans jokes you can do in one set, right? So like, minute by minute on this show, quite a lot. But like, I've done like 40 minutes before when it actually has to be like different topics. How about like per week, if you had to guess or so, or per month, how many new minutes that you like do you think you're writing? I do like 15 new jokes a week and then like three or four. Okay, you know what I'm gonna do, Pat, right now

1:04:33Brian Redban:is something that I've never done in this show's history. Right now, if you want it, you can have it. You're the first person ever, I do believe, elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full-time regular. I'm taking it. I'm taking it. Yeah. Yeah, that's a promotion. A live promotion in real time.

1:05:00Yeah.

1:05:02Brian Redban:Pretty amazing. You gotta reward that shit, man. Yes, dude. I want to see it. I want to see it every week. Dude, I have, like, hosts on the road who do, like, the same amount of jokes you did in, like, a ten-minute set, bro. Yeah. Like, keep this shit coming. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. You could be one of the true greats. How old are you? 30 now. Fuck yeah, man. 30. They always laugh. I know. It's unbelievable.

1:05:33You look like Beavis and Butthead.

1:05:39Brian Redban:You are so built for this. I've said it every time since the first time I saw you. I mean, you are just a true comedian, and now we're going to get to see you every week on this show. Welcome. Your life just got a little bit crazier. Welcome to the family. One more time for Pat O 'Neill, everybody. Yeah, that's how you do it. It's that easy. You fucking absolutely destroy, you get rewarded. If you just do okay, you don't. If you do bad, you get made fun of, and then you're embarrassed, and then you leave. It's a very simple show. If you're unbelievable, I want to see more of you. It's like common sense.

1:06:18Brian Redban:Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. I mean, again, this could be the future. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Akshay Bimben. Akshay Bimben. Hell yeah. Thank you. I've been doing a lot of drugs and dwelling on my traumas. And Mushrooms showed me that my biggest trauma was learning that Santa Claus was not real. But here's the thing, when you think about Santa, when you're on Mushrooms, you realize they've been talking about Santa for thousands of years. and they're going to keep talking about Santa for thousands of years, yet I'm only going to live for like 80 years.

1:07:09So in a way, isn't Santa more real than me?

1:07:18So here's my question. If Santa's not real and I'm less real than Santa, then why did it feel real when he molested me at the mall?

1:07:35Our traumas ground us in the physical reality. Thank you. Okay, Akshay Bimbit. What a spooky final line to say here at the comedy show.

1:07:52Brian Redban:Spooky is a good adjective for the styles of Akshay Bimbit. Thank you. Welcome, Akshay. We met your black wife earlier. How's being a father going for you? I was like, I'm going to say it. I'll roll with it. Was she lovely? She was so lovely. Akshay, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been all in since COVID, but it's been around a decade. Okay. Where have you been doing it at? I started in New York. New York City. When I left Wall Street, I moved to L.A. Okay. And then I moved with my band from L.A. to Austin. Your band? Yes, sir. What's the name of your band? The Ancient Asses. Ooh.

1:08:38Wow. I'm surprised I haven't heard of you. Red Band, you're going to have a hard time Googling that with your search history.

1:08:50You're going to have to close some tabs. Wow. Wow. That is amazing. The ancient acid. Two E's. Sick. Two E's. The, just to be potential. What kind of music do you guys do? We're going with post-psychedelic is the genre we're rolling with. And it says here on your website that you are a drummer. Is that true? I am the drummer, yes. That's amazing. You know, Akshay, and I don't even think...

1:09:21Brian Redban:I don't know if you know this, Justin Heights. I don't know if you know this. Do you know about this? There's a part of the show every once in a great while, once every ten episodes or so, when we find out someone's a drummer, they have a drum solo off. Are you down to do this? All right, Justin Heights is down. Akshay, put the mic in the mic stand there. We're going to hear a little drum solo from Akshay, who I'm guessing is going to play the drums with his bare hands. By the looks of things. Well, there's no Mexican here, so this is our first ever not-Mexican drum-off. This is our first ever Indian black drum-off, everybody.

1:10:00Brian Redban:Here we go. This is very exciting. Thank you, sir!

1:10:08Brian Redban:Very good, Red Band. Very good. All right, ladies and gentlemen, the first ever Indian black drum-off. Here he is, Akshay Bimbik.

1:10:28Brian Redban:Wow. All right, Action. Bacon soda! Whip it to the glass! Yeah. Well, yeah, no, let's do it. Sam, you know what? Justin, before you get back there, because I believe... Here, come this way real quick. We're going to get to you in just a second, because I do believe that in this crazy world that we live in, I'm betting that Sam Talent can actually beat Akshay Bimbet in this drum-off. Ladies and gentlemen, this is our first ever Indian white black drum-off.

1:11:05Baking soda!

1:11:07Brian Redban:That's right. It's the first time you've ever heard that sound effect before. That is Terrorist with the Friends theme and Baking Soda. Baking soda! Ladies and gentlemen, here to beat Akshay. Akshay, step back here with Justin so the cameras can get Sam Tallent defeating you in your own thing that you do, supposedly. Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Tallent on the drums. Oh, shit!

1:11:43Brian Redban:Fuck yes! What a show. Unbelievable. Now here to put the icing on the cake, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for the great Justin Heights. Justin, let's bring this party home. Even though, without a doubt, without a doubt, Sam Talent just beat Akshay. But Akshay, we're gonna bury... We just have talent in his last name. We're gonna bury you one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Justin Heights. Oh, yeah.

1:12:33Yeah.

1:12:34Brian Redban:Whip it! Do it! Yes. Unbelievable. And that is your first ever Indian dance. Oh, yeah. Black, white, drum off. Everybody won except for you, Akshay. It's pretty amazing. I'm just happy to be here. I love it. I love it. Akshay, what were you doing on Wall Street? Traditional investment banking. And you didn't like that, right? What does that mean? I got my solid decade in, and it's time to move on. You made good money? I did okay, yeah. Did you save it? I did save it. And you still have some? Yes. So you get to live your dreams. You get to play music. You get to do comedy. wear cool outfits. Thank you, thank you, yeah.

1:13:14Yeah, pursuing comedy and music is pretty much all I do. I'm trying to get it all off the ground. I love that, I love that. What else, Akshay? Do you have a job now, or are you just going off your savings? I'm just going off savings. Nice, very cool. Thank you. How much do you have left?

1:13:33Enough to be present right now. Can I guess, and you tell me, higher or lower? Would that be okay? you're going to be shy. That would not be a fun game for me, no. Yeah, but it's fun for them. The millions of viewers at home. You already had two drummers beat me. Just go easy on that. All right. Actually, I was going to guess$550 ,000. Is it higher or lower? It's less than that. Oh, damn. $545 ,000. But I don't need much more to be happy. That is true. That's a good point. What makes you happy? What brings you great joy other than comedy and playing music? give us one more fun fact about action.

1:14:12I've been taking shepherding lessons with my dog, learning to become a shepherd. Now we're talking action! Yeah. You should have led with this! Okay. You're a nomadic. What kind of things are you going to shepherd? Well, goats is all... Sorry, not goats. Sheep is all the training facility has. I got too excited for this. What kind of dog is there? He is a blue healer. Ah, yeah. His name is Wiley. And he's adorable, but will fuck you up. Yes, he will. We once had a friend that had a blue healer. And this was a very long time ago. And yeah, that dog was ruthless, to say the least. Did you call them blue healers?

1:14:59We called them blue tick healers where I grew up. I actually just bought him a shock collar. We're talking.

1:15:09Sorry. Sorry. We're trying to get down to the regional differences in dog names. No, what were you saying? I'm very sorry. You killed a moment. Move on. No, no. I don't think I did. Do you know why they call them healers? No. I actually found that... Oh, because they get your heels? Yes. Yeah, that's what they do. You knew that, right? I did know that, and I actually bought him a shock collar, and no kidding, I was inspired by Timmy No Breaks' performance. Yeah. legendary to make that happen to get the nip out I live with my bandmates and one of the dog does not does not like one of my bandmates so why what do you think it is about that bandmate that the dog doesn't like I don't know I think he is he trying maybe a scene into his past life and doesn't approve I don't know that's about all I can think of you should look up Hassan uh shot collar you might like that okay oh weird kink I don't know about sure okie dokie there's red ban again on the mic please all right actually anything else crazy we should know about you you have a girlfriend no girlfriend okay you into women i am into women what's your favorite type of woman you could have anyone what would it well apparently lack um all right all right okay all right now why why do you have this uh affection for the for the ebony goddess because it was bestowed upon me by you guys.

1:16:35Akshay, here's a little brown joke book.

1:16:38Brian Redban:Just like you, a little brown joke book. Akshay Bimbit. Thank you. His name is Kill Tony debut. And the show just keeps moving along. Thank you. You're welcome, Akshay. There he goes, everybody. One more time for Akshay, everyone. All right, your next bucket pool. This is an easy-to-say name after Akshay Bimbit. It's spelled very hard. This one's easy. Joe Jax, everyone. Make some noise for Joe Jax. Here comes Joe.

1:17:10What's up, dogs?

1:17:14Chill.

1:17:18I was watching Forrest Gump the other day. Where my gump is at?

1:17:25I don't know. I just had this thought when I was watching the movie. is a, you know the plot of the movie, it's like a guy, he like goes through history, he's like slow, he doesn't know what's going on. I thought it would be really funny if Forrest Gump was involved in a bunch of really racist shit and had no idea. You know? It's like, I went to the woods with my new friends. All of a sudden, we was dressed as ghosts.

1:17:52They started burning a big tea and I left because I got hot.

1:18:01It's fucking Vietnam. Lieutenant Dan's just, like, waterboarding Vietnamese villagers. Forrest in the corner, like, I guess they was thirsty.

1:18:13Mama said, bubba was it.

1:18:18Fuck yeah, Joe Jax. Welcome to the show, Joe. This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Like seven years-ish. Where at? I started in Orlando. My boy Cam, where my boy's at? Cam's in New York now. Yeah, yeah. Started out in Orlando. Came in his public's uniform. I don't know. I just want... Yeah. How old are you? I'm 26. Okay, 26. I know I look like a lesbian and I can't grow a beard, but... You look like Tig Notaro. Fuck, dude. That's not cool, man. I thought you were very nervous when you came out, but you totally landed it, you know? Yeah, yeah.

1:18:57Good work. Yeah, very comfortable, very cozy. It makes sense. You started at 19. You're 26. And I was even cuter back then, bro. I know I'm cute as fuck now. It was, you know, saying curse words on stage. They loved it. All right, Joe. What do you do for work? I'm like a blue-collar-esque. I hang blinds at, like, job sites. You hang blinds? Yeah.

1:19:20Brian Redban:Good thing D Madness isn't here right now. That would be terrible. That'd be horrendous. Boy, he chose the right time to go pee. Wow. How long have you been hanging blinds for?

1:19:42Only a few months. I'm still earning my man status. How do you get into the hanging blinds business? You just get a footstool and say, let's go to work? Four foot ladder, yeah. I figured their dog just bit you one too many times. I mean, I am an alpha male. Joe, you're rubbing off on me. Now, Joe, with the blinds, are you in rich people's homes quite often? Not really. It's just like construction sites and stuff. But we're the finishers, so we get air conditioning and shit. It's pretty tight. I mean, it is blue collar, and I feel like a man when I say that on dates, but really it's like the easiest shit I could be doing.

1:20:24That's great. It's good that you found a job like that. How often are you going on dates? I'm I mean, I was in a little bit a little bit of a non pussy getting Era and now I'm now I'm back dude. I got okay Let's talk about the difference between a non pussy air and a pussy getting air looks like spoon woman's an expert Spooning your pillow thinking about your ex and then the non pussy getting air is like, you know, like every couple weeks It's like something new Okay. So you're on, like, dating apps and stuff like that? Yeah, I use Hinge. It's not great. You know, I want to meet someone in real life.

1:21:00Go to a bowling alley with$100. Bowling alley? Yeah. You walk in there with, like, a cool chain, maybe a swinging pair of sunglasses, you know? Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're black and good at drums, too. I don't know. Have a little rhythm. I can't imagine going up to a stranger. Why? You went up to a bunch of strangers, and you did the job. And being horny, too, though. I want to see you talk to a woman. I want to see what it's like when you talk to her. Because you're so comfortable on stage. What's up, Shorty? I can't believe. Where's Heidi?

1:21:32Brian Redban:Can we get Heidi up here? Let's see what happens if he tries to look Heidi right in her eyes. Because that's where we all look when Heidi's around. Right in her eyeballs. You're supposed to look at me. I'm over here. Get a little spotlight keno.

1:21:52Brian Redban:Come on, Joe, go for it. Are you from Tennessee? No, I grew up in Wisconsin. Fuck, that ruins the rest of this. Because you're the only ten eyes, see? Oh, shit. Where are my dogs? No, you got to roll with Wisconsin. She gave you Wisconsin to work with. What would you say if she said Wisconsin? Wisconsin's nuts. No. Oh, Jesus. I mean. This is not what I expected out of this. Now, Heidi, when you hear that, are you soaked immediately? Dripping wet. Fuck, you guys took my phone. I was gonna get the Instagram, dog. No, I mean, I'm sensitive and shit. What's up? There's something about you that's just so charming.

1:22:35I can't, like, put my finger on it, though. What's your pronoun, Shorty? She, her. He's taller than you, dude. Yo, yo, I'm trying to she them titties, dude. Did you go home and practice this? You're actually so good. I told you I got a lot of pussy. It's incredible.

1:22:59Brian Redban:He's really coming out of his shell. I said... Did I mention blue collar? Fuck. You need your curtains hung? I do hang my curtains any day. Wow, look at that. Oh my goodness. I love you. Wow. Absolutely amazing. What a first moment. Are we going to start dating right now? Hey, I'm looking for love, dude. Me too. I'm out here. How old are you? I'm 10 years older than you. Perfect. That's awesome. Yeah, let's hang out after this. What are you doing? Right now, I'm on Kill Tony. No, after. There's a bar at Mama Deer's here. I don't drink. But... Get her out of here, bro. Who's that?

1:23:54Wow. Look at that.

1:24:02Brian Redban:Amazing. I'm serious. Amazing. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Unbelievable. She's the fucking best. Should we check out her website, HeidiRugina.com? Now, Red Band, Heidi sat on the table, if you want to smell it. I will. He will be right after the show. Watch him walk out of here, ladies and gentlemen. A fun fact for those of you that get to linger during the end of the show. D-Madness comes floating through the curtains like a cartoon smelling a pie. D, no. This guy hangs blinds. He hangs blinds, D, no.

1:24:42This guy says he hangs blinds, D-Madness. What do you think about that? I don't like it.

1:24:51Yo, get him out of here.

1:24:55Brian Redban:Joe, very fun times. You did very good. Very amazing interview. Everything went absolutely perfect. You're 19. I mean, you're 26. You started at 19. I don't think anything can stop you, dude. Just keep fucking keep at it. There he goes. Joe Jacks. You saw him here first. Appreciate it. The fun train keeps moving along. That was really funny. Yeah. That was really funny. He was great. Quick improviser. Heidi's great. He was great. Heidi, you're a dream. She really is. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? A beloved, beloved part of the Kill Tony universe. She always gets turned down by guys.

1:25:31It's so sad.

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1:26:05Brian Redban:All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Aaron McPherson, everybody. Aaron McPherson.

1:26:20Damn. All right. Hold on. All right, it's your boy, the Pipe Layer, the motherfucking Throat Slayer. It's the immaculate pimp, no draws, man. And I'm here to fuck. But not just anybody in particular. I got to thank in particular for disgusting bitches. Yeah. The nastier, the better. Like a bitch, if you go to the gym, I don't want it. But if you could be on my 600-pound life, now that's my kind of bitch. And you know why, dude? They give you money, man, that's why. I'm also known as Deuce Bigelow, the American Negro Gigolo. I be charging$250 a pump. Got lifting big-ass legs up and shit. I'm trying to get swole.

1:27:07But see, when you like these disgusting things, sometimes you forget to turn off your Bluetooth, you know? and then you'd be, you know, doing your thing 30 seconds into the video, you're like, fuck. Ain't no sound. Then you hear a car door slam. You're like, oh, shit. Well, anyway, moral of the story is, uh, fuck it. I'm Aaron McPherson. Thank you. All right. Aaron McPherson. We had David Jolly. Now we have David Mellon calling. Yeah, there he is.

1:27:36Brian Redban:With no hesitation, when he came out, Red Band called him Fat Kanye. He whispered in my ear. He goes, oh, Fat Kanye. I've heard him in the times. It's pretty amazing, Red Band. Hoopity oops. Welcome to the show, Aaron. I have so many questions for you. Let's start here. How long have you been doing stand-up? For about six years now. Okay, where at? Detroit? Jacksonville? No. Atlanta? No, man. I'm from Kansas, man. Whoa. Yeah. I was 5 ,000 guesses away from nailing that. What do you do? Why Kansas? That's where I was born, shit. I don't know. Where in Kansas? Winfield. Then I used to do it out of Wichita.

1:28:21That's where I started. Now, where are those places? Exactly. One's got an airport, Wichita. The other one, I live 45 minutes south of that in the country. What do you do in the country? Shit. Hunting shit. I used to ride some pigs once upon a time. But now I live here, though, so hey. Okay, so, Aaron, let's talk about your choice of women. You said that you would be into a 600-pound bitch, I do believe you said. Where do you find these women at? Where do you find these big bitches? Shit, at your local country bar or something, you know? Okay. And have you been with some in Austin? How long have you been here?

1:29:05For about four years now. In Austin? Yes. Okay. And you go to your local country bars and you find big white men. Hell no. Oh, no? I just do it for the love of the money. For the love of the money. Yes. Like the OJs. Famous artist out of the state of Ohio that wrote the song For the Love of Money. It was the theme song of The Apprentice. Donald Trump bought the rights to it in order to save money because he thought the show was going to get picked up many times, and it did. Smart move. Anyway, Aaron McPherson. Let's get back to it. So, you do, like, the last big woman you were with, where'd you find her at?

1:29:42I said on Facebook Dayton. Oh, hell yeah.

1:29:45Brian Redban:That is, a fun fact, that is the app for 600-pound bitches. That and Facebook Marketplace, too. Yeah. Facebook Dayton. Yes. Is that Dayton, Ohio?

1:30:02Okay, so tell us, Aaron, what are some of your favorite things about hooking up with a bigger woman? Shit, they pay me some money.

1:30:12Shit, everything can be used. Oh, you're talking about, like, fucking a flap or something? Shit, you never know, man. I don't know. The back of a knee or something? Shit, it happens. But they request these things. They what? They request these things. Okay, like what? What are some requests that you've gotten? Fuck me in the back of my knee. Okay. All right. Do you lube it up? Nah, man, put some chicken grease in there and shit. Aaron, you are a wild guy. What do you do for work? Shit, I valet. Oh, my God. I'd love to hand you my keys.

1:30:52Wow. Yeah, valet. I grill some chicken and shit. You what? Be grilling some chicken and ribs and shit. You grill chicken and ribs? Yeah, I was just selling some tonight, yeah. You were what? I was selling some. You're selling chicken and ribs? Just chicken today, no ribs. Where are you selling this chicken out of exactly? Shit, at the back of the bar around the way. You're making chicken and selling it tonight out of the back of a bar? Yeah, it's sold out already. You know, all the other comics hate it. You sold out of chicken tonight. You made chicken out of the back of a bar. Yeah, I barbecued.

1:31:28No, I didn't make it out the back of the bar. I brought it. I already grilled it. You grilled it at home? Yeah, and then I brought it down. Come here to be on Kill Tony or to sell chicken outside of Kill Tony? Both, nigga, shit. I'm trying to get paid. I love it. I love the hustle. Barbecue chicken? What kind of chicken do you like? Yeah, barbecue chicken. Wow. Yeah, I make the best motherfucking barbecue chicken in all of Austin, Texas. Wow. Yeah. Fuck with me. This is incredible. You are a true walking stereotype. This is amazing. No, he said barbecue chicken. Yeah, not fried. Fried is, I think, the traditional racist.

1:32:11I don't fuck with fried chicken. You don't fuck with fried chicken. Tell us about that. Why do you not fuck with fried chicken? I'm trying to wash my figure, man. Too much grease. So you're sticking with grilled chicken. Yeah, grilled chicken. It's a little bit healthier. Wow. Sugary barbecue sauce. Red Band actually looks at the details of everything. Yeah. And he knows that there's sugar in barbecue sauce. He learned this because of his doctor's advice, I'm sure. Weight Watchers. There you go. All right. Aaron, this is an interesting interview. How many times have you ever been arrested? No.

1:32:50No. Are you saying that just so you can maintain your chicken license? We're not going to tattle. License? What the fuck is that? Can you walk us through a bit of, like, your chicken preparation process? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, where do you buy the chicken from originally? Shit, H-E-B. Okay.

1:33:10Brian Redban:We love H-E-B. We love H-E-B around here. All right, so you buy the... How much chicken do you buy at once? Shit, I just bought three packs a night. Three packs. Something slight cheap. Yeah. And then what kind of barbecue sauce are you using? Famous Dave's. Famous Dave's barbecue sauce. You ever use Sweet Baby Ray's? I have, but it's not good for the barbecue. No, I don't like it. It's not good. It's good for dipping. Can you describe the difference for our black fan base? What the difference between Famous Dave's and Sweet Baby Ray's is exactly? Can you describe it? It's one little more bold or savory or sweet.

1:33:49Famous Dave's, it just tastes better. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. This is the worst plug ever. Famous Dave's, it's just better. It tastes better. They actually use... I don't know. It just... Sweet Baby Ray's for white people, man. And that's what you do. Oh, famous Dave's is an actual restaurant. All right. Okay. Well, you know... I always think Sweet Baby Ray's more of a rib-type application there. We meet in the middle here? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we can meet in the middle. We're not so different, you and I. The nation's healing right now. This is... Yes, it is. Yes. All right, Aaron. You are leaving here with a...

1:34:30I only have one of these. It's a black... It's a black medium joke book. There you go, pal. There he goes. Aaron McPherson. The reviews of Famous Dave's barbecue sauce are absolutely amazing. They are all five-star reviews. Isn't that incredible? Have you ever seen anything that has all five-star reviews? Is there a single one-star review on Famous Dave's? There is? Let's see what that looks like. Wait, what?

1:34:59Why are you looking at your phone when your laptop's open?

1:35:03Brian Redban:Oh, he's not logged into Amazon. They don't let you see one-star reviews. We're doing a little digging to find out what kind of human being could possibly complain about a barbecue sauce. Oh, there's no one-star, but there is one two-star. This is Russian bots for sure. Oh, wow. Look at that. All right. All right. Hey, Tony, I love you, but I think that was probably the worst moment in the history of the show. Well, you'd be surprised. We have had some amazing moments reading reviews of things in the past. But it turns out that people just hit two stars and didn't leave a review at all. And I'm guessing Sweet Baby Ray got online and left that review.

1:35:48Brian Redban:All right. You guys still having fun out there? All right. Here we go. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. and make some noise for Paul M, everybody. Paul M.

1:36:05So I don't know why, like, women get all upset when you ask them to make them a sandwich. It's not that hard. It's not like we're asking ladies to smoke as a brisket. You know? Takes time and patience. Qualities of which no woman possesses.

1:36:22So, black people can't get lice, just so you know. like 97 % of the cases are like white people which makes sense if you think about it because like if I was a parasite I wouldn't have to feed off inferior blood either I'd only want the best and the purest blood for my family my name is uh Paul Mendoza I am from Napa California it's a very beautiful place filled with beautiful people very low crime a lot of people know Napa is the wine country. Well, they don't know that it's an acronym. It stands for No African People Allowed. But we do allow the Mexicans, you know, the grapes aren't going to pick themselves.

1:37:10Brian Redban:All right, right, Ben. Thank you. A lot of oohs and ahs, but you know what? I kind of liked it. Paul M., welcome to the show. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up, my friend? One month. One month.

1:37:33Oh, they are? I've heard all those jokes before. Oh, I didn't. I don't know. All right. Have you heard those jokes before? Yeah, for sure. The thing about how tics don't go on black people.

1:37:43Brian Redban:I mean, I don't know who the fuck you've been hanging out with, but I've never heard that before. Well, you know, the Internet's a big place, and there's a lot of big ideas, you know? I mean, I'm not arguing with it. I'm just surprised. You've heard that joke before, right, Red Band? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. What are you guys, racistjokes.com? I've never heard. We go to Reddit. I grew up in rural Colorado. I heard them all. And I wrote a couple of the best ones. Paul.

1:38:10So Napa, brisket, sandwich brisket thing. What's your writing process like, Paul? What made you want to start stand-up? I don't know. I just kind of like going on stage and making ass of myself. Have you been having fun doing it? Oh, yeah. How old are you? I'm 40. What have you been doing? Jesus, wow. Fuck. Fuck? Okay. You look like one of the guys from Ed, Ed, and Eddie all grown up.

1:38:40Racist hack.

1:38:42Brian Redban:What have you been doing with your life up until this point? I ran a dog kennel for like 20 years. A dog kennel? Yeah. Okay. what made you get into the dog kennel business

1:38:57I dropped out of high school and just went to trade school to become a dog groomer and trainer and that's just what I did craziest thing about your life that we would find surprising Paul M absolutely nothing perfect there he goes Paul M we're going to keep moving along here we're going to just fly through it thank you Paul hell yeah you know it just keeps moving along they are good jokes I'm not arguing that

1:39:23Brian Redban:hey I mean I don't know I just didn't I just haven't heard it I don't know we're gonna keep moving along he's a month in you know who knows maybe it'll get better just don't steal jokes that's all I say yeah obviously definitely don't steal jokes you heard the Napa thing before oh yeah Jesus, I can't believe it Here, I mean if you guys weren't here I would have given him a golden ticket Alright, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Sammy Smith everyone, Sammy Smith

1:40:04What's up you filthy fucking animals It's 2026 guys, okay If you're making good financial decisions In 2026 Man, you a bitch, okay? All right, listen, let me tell y 'all something. Money's digital, and life is perspective. If I pull my bank account up right now, and I cover up that little hyphen, man, I'm rich as fuck. That ain't shit you can tell me. Yeah, I'm broke. And I'm not broke because I go to the strip club. But I do go to the strip club even though I'm broke, you know? You know, when I go to the strip club, I go with a smooth$40. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's$20 to get in. So when I go to the strip club, I got$20.

1:40:54And a lap dance is about$40. So when I go to the strip club, I'm looking for a bargain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I walk in that bitch like I'm Indian. I'm looking for a very good deal.

1:41:07Yeah.

1:41:10Brian Redban:All right. Sammy Smith. Racism can be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not bad, not bad. Yeah, good work, man. Sammy, how old are you? I am 25. I'm about to be 26. Okay, how long have you been on stand-up? Two years. Two years, all of it here in Austin? No, I started in Columbia, South Carolina. Oh. And then it was the scene out there real small, so I was like, fuck it. I was going through some things at the time. I was broke as a bitch. I was landscaping. I was like, fuck it. I decided I was going to live in my car. I was driving a 2001 Ford Focus. It was a two-door. It was a tiny fucking car.

1:41:47And I was like, I'm going to live in this shit. I went to Orlando, Florida. I lived in my car out there for like a month and just like tested out. And then I came out here. And I was having a blast in Florida being homeless. But then when I came out here, I was like, yeah, this shit don't. You know, I hear the market is saturated. Yeah.

1:42:06Too much competition. Very good.

1:42:09Brian Redban:You are correct. Wow. So can you tell us the difference between, can you explain it to the people? Because they don't all know what the difference between being homeless in Orlando and homeless in Austin is like. Well, Orlando's right in the middle of Florida. And I'm living in my car, so I can go anywhere. I was living on the beach, man, going to Daytona, going to Tampa. Orlando, it's fun. And people in Orlando, people in Florida in general are having so much fun. Everyone's kind of homeless out there, you know what I mean? In spirit. Everyone's spiritually homeless in Florida. Nobody goes to Florida to find themselves, you know?

1:42:45Yeah. And my sister lived out there, so it was convenient. Shout out, Sophie. Wait, her name's Sophie? My sister's name is Sophie. My sister's name is Sophie, and my name's Sam. Oh, right there. Whoa. This is incredible. Do you hate her, too? No. Oh, no, I'm playing. She's all right. Wait, your sister or mine? Well, I hate yours now. Come on. Hey, I fuck yours, you fuck mine, bro. Whoa. Look at this. That's a good deal. She does. You are her style. I'll say that. Oh, right on. Right on. Yeah, your skin is the right tone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. She's happily married to a black guy, though.

1:43:22All right, man. We can change that. Oh, come on, Sammy. I'm going to fuck your sister. How about that? I'm going to fuck you, Sammy. I'm sorry. Anytime, bro. Can I get a spot? You know, I can open for you. I don't book anything. You don't book anything? You can open offstage. Oh, shit. Oh, okay. Now I'm there now. You're doing good. Sammy, you're a very naturally funny young man. Tell us more about your life. My life? Man, I've I feel like I've lived multiple. I'm very young, but I've lived a lot of places. You know, I've had a lot of jobs. I didn't go to college because that's retarded. Correct.

1:44:02Yeah. What jobs have you done? What have you been doing? Well, when I first moved to... I moved to America when I was 16. From where? From England.

1:44:12Brian Redban:What? Yeah. These people say anything nowadays and not get picked up. No, this isn't... I lived a weird... I had a weird childhood. How'd you end up being born in England? I wasn't born in England. I was born in Malaysia. Okay. So you went from Malaysia to England, and then England to America? What was the... Yeah, kind of. So my earliest memories were in Atlanta, Georgia. I was like, yeah. I think I started, like, I think I was, like, conscious at, like, four years old. Because I don't really remember anything before then, but I was in, you know, Atlanta. And then my family, we lost our green card, so we moved to Trinidad.

1:44:52Trinidad and Tobago. It was a good time, you know? Yeah. Lived there for, like, three years. Parents got divorced. I moved to England with my dad and my brother, my mom and my sister. They moved to South Carolina. When I was 16, I moved to South Carolina. And yeah, South Carolina sucks, man. I'm sorry. I got a love-hate relationship with South Carolina. What made you move at 16 to South Carolina? So I was living with a teacher because the boarding school I was going to closed down. The boarding school? I was in... No, no. So I was in boarding school. And the boarding school closed down. uh-huh so but and i but my dad wasn't in england at the time he wanted i was supposed to finish school out there i live with a teacher and then like a guy or a girl who the teacher oh teacher it was a woman okay one of those teachers was no no no she had a family and shit okay she was yeah she like she worked at the boarding school and she knew that i had to finish like secondary school out there so she was like you can finish your last year with us did you ever finish inside of her no no it would have been nice no no no we were all wondering if he fucked the lady yeah yeah it wasn't uh porn yeah so 16 you're in south carolina what was it like getting to like hang out with your mom for the first time for the first time i mean it wasn't the first time but it was uh it was nice you know but it's like you know i was away from her for you know a while so it's like you know you grow up away from your parents you go back they think you're still like the kid but you're like traumatized now, you know?

1:46:32He has great natural answers. So Sammy, there you are. And now you've moved here. How long have you been in Austin? One year. I moved here in March. The whole time you've been in your car? No, no, no, no. So I moved out here. Like I said, it was rough. So I was like, I'm going to get an apartment, got a studio apartment. Rent out here is really cheap. But then a week later, I got hit by a drunk driver, totaled my shit. and at the time I had like a thousand dollars to my name well less than that because I just got the apartment but uh I'll doordash was my only job at the time so I was like fuck I like fuck but you know I'm I'm a hustler like I said I've had so many fucking jobs first thing I did is like I my back was real fucked up after the injury but next morning I just went up went to every single like business in the area just trying to find a job none of them were interested um yeah because you You came in all fucking bleeding.

1:47:23I need work quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She beat my back in, man. Did a drunk driver have insurance? Like, did you get paid for that? I did have insurance. That money did not last me long because I decided to live off of it. But I did get a nice paycheck like months later. So what do you do for work now? Now I work at the airport. What do you do at the airport? So I started off at the airport selling credit cards. Where? The parking garage? No, you know that... You know Delta got, like, the lounge and shit. They got the credit card, the reserve card. You mean the Delta Reserve purple card? Yes, that's right, sir.

1:48:00But, yeah, I don't work for them no more. They fired me. Okay. So how about now? Where do you work now? At the airport, but... What do you do at the airport now? I work at a smoothie shop. Whoa. Jamba juice. No. Still slanging purple stuff. I like that. Oh, not Jamba. Right in their mouth. Yeah, man. The local one. Yeah. Okay. And do you enjoy working at the smoothie shop? Yeah, I like working at the airport in general. Austin Airport's, like, cool as fuck because it's, like, all, like, local Austin businesses and stuff. Like, it's got a lot of personality. You meet people from all over the world, you know.

1:48:33I feel like I fit in out there, you know. Very glad to be working at the airport. I'll swing by the smoothie shop. Right on, bro. I'll get you a free smoothie, bro. I got you. He doesn't need a free smoothie. No, I do. I need a free smoothie. I am struggling. I got hit by a drunk driver recently.

1:48:47Brian Redban:I don't have insurance. My back hurts. Don't tell them it was free. I don't want to get fired. I don't work at a smoothie shop, guys. I was lying. I just don't want to get fired again. No, you're not going to get fired. Don't worry, man. I've been through some shit, man. I can tell, man. Your eyes are haunting and dark. Are they really? Yeah. You're staring through me into a place I forgot about. It's still there. We can reignite it. You're doing good, Sammy. Do you fly out of the airport? Yeah. What do you think? I take a hot air balloon or something? I got blamed. No, I didn't know if you were a private guy.

1:49:32No. No, I mean, it wasn't a great while. Anyways. You know what I mean?

1:49:39Brian Redban:All right, Sammy Smith, I think you're a really funny guy. Keep it going. Keep signing up. Keep doing it. Keep writing. You're doing everything right, buddy. Chase your damn dreams Okay This guy has been signified That he is on the inside Representing you, the audience The rare inside bucket pool So this should be interesting Normally this is half written And they say I didn't think I was going to get pulled Anything can happen Make some noise for Caleb Andrews Where's Caleb at? Is that Caleb? We have movement by Caleb Andrews Is that Caleb? Yes, it is. All right. Here he goes. He looks like a serious man.

1:50:24Brian Redban:A lot of attractive women. He may have prepared for this. He may have prepared. He may have memorized a minute. The rare inside bucket pool. That means they're normally visiting. They don't live here.

1:50:39Brian Redban:How about make some noise one more time for Caleb Andrews, everybody.

1:50:52Hey guys, I am a banker. I'm from a small town in Mississippi, and I was raised by a single mother, so if you don't laugh at this, I'm used to disappointment. Being a banker, you see a lot. Nothing's quite as humbling as denying somebody for a loan, and they pull off from the truck that's nicer than yours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Being from a small town, it's kind of funny in my industry, your credit score and your grandma's reputation are pretty much the same thing. Like, sir, you filed bankruptcy last year, but your Nana made a mean apple pie, so let's see what we can do. Yeah. I'm also married. I got married last year.

1:51:32Thank you. Thank you. I went on a bachelor trip with my buddies. We went golfing because nothing says celebrating love like hating yourself for four hours silently. But Dolphin prepared me for marriage because both involved me spending a lot of money at something I'm not really good at. And then waking up the next morning and deciding to try again because I like the challenge. Thank you, guys. That's my time.

1:51:58Brian Redban:Smart, well-executed Caleb Andrews. Surprisingly good inside bucket pull. Yeah, that's the best one I've ever seen. Yeah, it's very rare. Welcome, Caleb. So, have you done stand-up before? First time. What? Look at that. I love it, Caleb. And you decided you came here. Where are you visiting from? So I'm from Fulton, Mississippi. Okay. It is, okay, yeah. Are those your friends for sure? Probably, probably. Yeah, they came with you. Close to Tupelo, birthplace of Elvis. Actually, just plug in weirdly, Uncle Lazer came to Tupelo Thursday. So I got to see him Thursday and then come here Saturday.

1:52:42He does all the best markets. He's like a god in Tupelo, Mississippi, I'm sure.

1:52:49Brian Redban:It's like the return of Elvis. Yeah, the hardcore legend returns. Amazing. Okay, so you're a banker in Fulton, Mississippi. Correct, correct. So it is. It's a lot of people trying to get loans and whatnot. It actually is. We have like a$50 million portfolio in a very small town, less than 10 ,000 people. A lot of former plantations, right? Yeah, yeah. A lot of lice. A lot of lice. A lot of lice. Look at that, a callback from earlier. So, Caleb, that's where you're born and raised? I was pretty much. I was born in a small town in Alabama and moved over to Fulton. You just drove the riding lawnmower over there.

1:53:31Yeah, yeah, yeah. Set up a whole new life for yourself. I want to be in Fulton full time. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever done any kind of speaking publicly before? Not really, no. Yeah, you did a good job, right? Really good. Really good. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. I used to do theater. So, theater kid. Okay. I guess that helps. What did you do in theater? That's funny. I was actually Donkey and Shrek. Whoa. Front or back? The full thing. Can you do one of your lines from the hit? Waffles. Wow. Very good. You still got it. It's like I was there. Yeah. What is the most white trash thing you've ever seen in Fulton, Mississippi?

1:54:13Oh, God. Is there something that pops into your head? Is the dog a mayor? Close, close. No, honestly... Have you ever seen anybody, like, eat a sandwich while having chewing tobacco in their mouth at the same time? Oh, absolutely. That's common. Anything you can think of from Fulton? Man, the gas station people are pretty funny. That's pretty white trash. Like, we have a local shell station. People just go pull up and hang out, you know? Got it. Yeah. How about ghetto? What's the most ghetto thing you've seen in Fulton, Mississippi? Because there's that, too. There's that aspect of things. The white people are extremely white.

1:54:56The black people are extremely black. Am I correct? Correct, correct. There's white ghettos, brother. We have a local who has chrome fingernails. It's pretty ghetto. Oh, wow. Home fingernails, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Drives a Crown Vic. Wow, okay. So there's a real cool person in Fulton? Yeah. Does he make chicken at home and then sell it to people? Hang blinds? He actually cuts hair. He's a barber. Oh, wow. Interesting. Did he give you that one? No. Actually, a white guy cut my hair. That makes sense, yeah. It's like a white guy haircut. Caleb, any other crazy fun facts that we'd find interesting about your life before I get you out of here?

1:55:43So, fun story, real quick. I married into a dog or dated into a dog. It's my wife's dog previously. Yep. You know, dogs are like children. So, he was our great child. And basically, he kept leaving the neighborhood. He would go to, like, this subdivision and eat Cheetos off these kids' faces. And so... Wait, what was that? He would eat Cheetos off their faces, like the kids' faces. The Southern thing, Tony. He wouldn't get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he kept going to that same neighborhood less than a mile from my father-in-law's house. And so we were like, hey, we're just going to let him go, you know, just enjoy your time.

1:56:22He's having a good time, whatever. Well, about a few months after he left, somebody picked him up and dropped him back off at my father-in-law's house and was like, hey, you're not taking care of your dog. You can see his bones, he's covered in fleas. And we're like, this dog has been given to somebody. It's out of our care. And so we took him back in, kept him for a little bit longer. And then my mom was like, I really want the dog. I know you all have another dog now. So we gave him to my mom. well my mom just happened to get involved with this guy and he burned her house down stole the dog And funny fact, at my bank.

1:57:03We'll be the judge of that. We did a like like a post your pet day at work. And so when I started working at the bank last year, we did that post and this girl at the bank posted that dog. So she ended up with the dog, the same dog. Wow. So we now know the owners of the dog and she's like very feels like, oh, it's your own dog. It's like, no, it's your dog now. like, cheers. Wow. That, you actually answered the most white trash thing I've questioned from before

1:57:33Brian Redban:while simultaneously answering the fun fact question about your life. It was you. You were the white trash guy. Yeah, I'm the guy. But this mysterious dog that is obviously the life of Forrest Gump. Yeah, for sure. Flipped a million, I was eating Cheetos off kids' faces one day. Next thing you know, the house is on fire. I'm just a simple dog, and then I had a new owner and then... All right, so... I've always been attracted to arsonists. Yeah, that's where I was going next is the mom's house on fire. We kind of glazed over that pretty quickly. Yeah, yeah. Were they in an argument or something or...?

1:58:12He was just on meth. Ah, Fulton, Mississippi. I almost forgot. Yeah, actually, Ittawamba County is the county and they're actually like, back in the Civil War, that was like the big like meth spot during the Civil War. Even in the Civil War. What are you talking about? The Civil War was in like 1861 to 1865, that one? The War of Northern Aggression, as you call it, right? Yeah. The one where, yeah. I feel like the traditional crystal methamphetamine wasn't synthesized until much later than that. Possibly. That's just a... That's your claim to fame in your shithole town? Not mine. Oh, the county.

1:58:51Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right.

1:58:52Brian Redban:I'm sure whatever it was gave some pretty powerful effects. But, I mean, you've smoked cracks. You've smoked meth, too. 1893. 1893 by Japanese chemist Nagai Nagayoshi. Saying know your history. 30 years removed, I'm sorry. That's right. Son of a bitch. We liked you so much, and then you lied about meth being a big part of your upbringing. Right. My mom's also attracted to Mexicans, so that was a big... Give him the joke book.

1:59:26She liked the M's. She stayed in the category. We're doing some research. Yeah. Amazing. Being Coca-Cola, actually. There you go.

1:59:36Brian Redban:Red band mixing up three fun facts at once. Can I tell you a real quick story? I don't think so. Okay. Okay, so last year... So it's my wife's birthday tonight. Okay. Okay. So last year, you were in Nashville. It was Saturday night. Richstone Arena. Absolutely. Tornado sirens going. It was a little scary. Winona Judd singing the National Anthem. What? Yeah. So my wife, big fan, she'd suck the chrome off a ball hitch to just be your doormat. Yeah. Makes me feel great. Sorry, babe. She here? She is here. So I said sorry. Hey, you want to prove it, Toots?

2:00:18Brian Redban:Honey, find us a doorknob. Come on up here, birthday girl. We're going to put this to the test. We're going to have her suck the what? The chrome off a... Ball hitch. Like a truck ball hitch? On a truck hitch. Like towing a truck. Amazing. Yeah, yeah. Does anybody have a truck ball hitch by any chance? So, last year, I surprised her with Kill Tony tickets. I didn't tell her we were going anywhere. We picked her up. Like, her mom called work on a Friday and was like, hey, your cat got out. You got to come home. What is this thing with your family losing animals? It was the only thing that would get her home from work.

2:00:55So she runs home. It's me and her friend there. We have her bag packed. Like, hey, we're going out of town. She's like, okay, where are we going? I'm like, Nashville. She's like, you didn't have to kidnap me to go to Nashville. I'm like, okay, come on. So we get to Nashville. We're hanging out Saturday morning. Obviously, the storms come. And I'm like, hey, let's go back to the room. We're going to get settled in. She's sitting in there. I'm getting ready. She's like, what are we getting ready for? And I throw her a shirt. It's a Kill Tony shirt. And I'm like, hey, you're going to Kill Tony. And she starts fucking bawling.

2:01:20Brian Redban:Oh, amazing. Let's bring her out. Here's the birthday girl. What's her name? Michaela. Michaela, everybody. Wow. Hi, Michaela. You're in it. You're in the eye of the storm, Michaela. How does it feel up here? You're a diehard fan. You would suck the chrome off of a tailpipe pitch or whatever. Can you get the red off that microphone? No. No. What do you do for work? I work at the bank, too. Oh, my God. Look at this. One in the bank, two in the stank. Shocker. The old... There you go. Two in the stank. Very good. Well, you're the king, Tony. Two farts. That's why Red Ben's like, I don't know if you heard, but he did two fart sound effects because two were in the stank on this one.

2:02:12Brian Redban:What exactly are you doing at the bank? I was doing what he's doing. I was a loan officer, but I'm now a portfolio manager. Congratulations. Look at you. Wow. I worked there first, though. Okay. Let me ask you guys this. You guys ever at the bank and you guys end up in the safe together or something like that? Unfortunately, no. We work at different locations. Oh. Because you kept fucking at work? Like, hey, honey, I got a roll of quarters I want you to count. Oh, yeah.

2:02:51Can you make change for this hard penis?

2:02:58What's your routing number? All right, right. I'll give you that if you'll give me your account number.

2:03:05Brian Redban:Whoa, look at this. there's some type of Ethiopian piracy going on.

2:03:13Mikayla, before I let you go, what's a fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? You're a big fan of the show. I mean, you must have something up your sleeve that's interesting. Oh, he already knows. I'm not saying that. Whoa! What is it? You have two vaginas or something? You have like a crazy vagina or something? What is it? No, um... Can I... I was born early and my butthole was not fully developed.

2:03:42Brian Redban:Whoa!

2:03:46Brian Redban:Amazing.

2:03:51Brian Redban:Carlos looks like, that's the show, folks. Thanks. I mean, this is just as pure of a Kill Tony moment as you can have. This is what we live for, is finding the type of stuff we've never heard of before. We'll be right, boy. So your butthole wasn't fully developed, so what did they have to do? They had to, like, cut a little one out or something? Yeah, basically, but this was in the 90s, so they actually sent me home, and my mom kept calling the hospital, like, my baby hasn't pooped, and they're like, that's normal. And it was, like, two weeks later. What? They took me back, and, yeah, they just cut it.

2:04:31I mean, the mom didn't notice that... I was her first kid, and she was 21. Wow. How's it doing now, girl? It's great.

2:04:41Brian Redban:Red band. That is disgusting. That is insulting to all women everywhere. You're out of control, red band. How is it doing now, girl? It's great. I'm positive of it. Here's a big joke book for you, Michaela. And here's a big one for you. You guys got it all tonight. You did it. A huge victory. There you guys go. Michaela and Caleb, newly married. It's their birthday. Make some noise for them, everybody.

2:05:15What a sweet, pure moment. That was great. Sometimes the show can be very wholesome. Can we get a picture of your wife's butt later? Thank you. Yeah. Tag us in it. Yeah. Tag us in that butthole pic. Not tag you in, Red Band. No. Yeah. Man, I want to see that lady's butt, right folks? Oh. What's up? Oh, we have to switch the mics.

2:05:42Brian Redban:How about a hand for the great Sam Tallent switching the mics for us. His new novel, Brute, comes out September 22nd. His stand-up dates are available at punchuplive.com backslash samtalent. That's with two L's in talent. Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin. A bunch of fun things happening. Remember, the roast of Kevin Hart, May 10th on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night is a force of nature, everybody. He is absolutely awesome. We are watching him take off in a great, unbelievable way. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. Now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas.

2:06:20Brian Redban:Make some noise. Closing it out tonight, a new set from Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

2:06:33You know, women are going to tell you that other women only want you if you have a girlfriend because women want something they can't have. And I'm here to tell y 'all that's not what's happening. we just look better than single men because we're using your health care products in and out the shower. Like, single dudes look and smell like what happens after years of kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator.

2:07:18And then the radiation from the refrigerator melts the ice cubes, makes a certain mold, it makes a human body, and it's like, hey, ma 'am, you should smile more.

2:07:32Because when I moved here to Texas, I only moved with, like, single dudes, and my skin has been terrible. Because we only got the seven-in-one body wash, right? It's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, Zen juice, four locos from 2009 with the caffeine in it, a DUI and a domestic battery charge. Because when you go to a girl's bathroom that's like somebody you want to keep, when you rip open that shower curtain, the products that they got, it looks like Gordon Ramsay's seasoning cabinet mixed with two southern black ladies. You can do that with you. They got all kinds of shampoos. They got all kinds of...

2:08:27Do you know they got a shampoo and conditioner? It's called purple shampoo. It's just for people with blonde hair or a nigga that got free time. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's all it is. Every girl I've ever been with thought I was jacking off in the shower. No, nigga, I was trying everything you had in there. You know I used to go to Taco Bell And you would suicide the sodas Like you know what I'm saying You would put every soda in there That's me with every product you got Nigga I used to look glorious You know what body wash gel is What is it You don't know You just trying to fit in This nigga's a liar They got a gel that just got glitter And nigga I used to look like a cheerleader From Bring It On I used to look like Gabrielle Union.

2:09:19I used to put all kinds of shit together, just make a smorgasbord of a pretty nigga. When they used to leave, I used to steal they bath bombs and put it in the bath. You know what a bath bomb is? What's a bath bomb? This nigga want to fit into. All right, this nigga has no idea what a bath bomb is. You take a grenade and you put it in the bathtub and it's got colors and glitter and essential oils. Nigga, that is fucking fun as fuck. I don't ever want to be single again, nigga. I hate being dry. That's my time. I love y 'all. Thank y 'all.

2:09:55Brian Redban:Dedrick Clint with a new three minutes, 20 seconds. I went too hard. So much fun. New angles. That's something new. I love it. Hey, I'm trying to do my best, man. You are. How you doing, Dedrick? I'm doing too good. Yeah. I ain't going to lie to you. There is so much. I love touring. Even in a city, I don't know how to get there. Because you have to fly into a city. Now I'm doing the cities that you have to fly into and then get transit after that to get to. Like I did Springfield, Massachusetts. Oh, shit. You see how those two people just said something? That's everybody in Springfield, Massachusetts.

2:10:37That's all two of them. All right? We went to a casino. It was an MGM Grand. Okay. I won$200 on a slot machine. Whoa, look at that. I lost$600.

2:10:51Brian Redban:That was my next question. Did you quit while you were up? No.

2:10:58Brian Redban:Amazing. What else? Springfield, was that the only stop this weekend? Yeah, I did three shows in Springfield. Next week I'm doing Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm going right inside where the Mall of America is Oh, that's a long week, bro I love it, man That's a long fucking week No, they got the amusement park inside I've been there before, yeah Sam, you've been everywhere, nigga, we know I'm just saying Make sure you get outside Because I was in that mall for like five days when I did that gig And I did not go outside for most of it And I was deranged, strange, and gray by the end Can I ask you a personal question?

2:11:36Anytime What do I do outside of it?

2:11:40Brian Redban:avoid the ice rallies. I can tell you that. Somehow everybody gets killed in Minneapolis. No, I'm too high to be in rallies. What about Popeyes? Maybe Checkers? White Castle? Who knows, you know? I've been high in many a Taco Bell in my day.

2:12:04Sorry. There's things to do in Minneapolis, right?

2:12:08Brian Redban:It was up to me. We would donate it to Canada. I think Canada deserves Minneapolis, Minnesota. A hundred percent. We could make a good trade, maybe take a little Toronto. Yeah, just a little Toronto. I'd even be willing to negotiate an Ottawa for Minneapolis. Ottawa? Yeah. They're like a fourth-round draft pick. I know, but... What, is Edmonton off the board? I don't know if you've seen what Minneapolis has contributed the past 15 years or so, but... I love Vietnamese cuisine. Ooh, well... Is that where it comes from? Yeah. Vietnam's in Minnesota. Vietnam's a little neighborhood in Minneapolis.

2:12:49Dedrick, anything else crazy going on? Man, I'm about to sell this cartoon to Adult Swim. Nice. Adult Swim went out bankrupt about three years ago, by the way. You said what? Adult Swim is bankrupt, by the way. It's not a thing anymore. I don't care where they get their money from, niggas. they told me they had the money. I don't give a fuck. Why the fuck? Oh, they were bankrupt. So was our red band. I was bankrupt before I got here. I don't care how the niggas get on. Maybe Adult Swim went on Kill Tony. I don't know.

2:13:22Brian Redban:That's true. We saved Adult Swim's life. Dedrick, we absolutely love you. You're the fucking man. Thank you so much. Way to put a ribbon on the episode. Shout out Patrick O 'Neal, the new ragdoll on Kill Tony. Yeah, Pat O 'Neal. You've been ripping it. I'm so proud of you, y 'all. I love y 'all. Thank y 'all so much. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, and he is right. What a night. Pat O 'Neill made history by being elevated from a golden ticket winner to a regular. It was a hell of an episode. How about one more time for the great Sam Tallent, everybody? September 22nd, his novel comes up, but you can pre-order it right now.

2:13:59Brian Redban:It's Brut, B-R-U-T. Where can they pre-order that? Amazon? Amazon, Barnes & Noble. It's coming out from Random House, so you can get it anywhere, yeah. Perfect. He's on Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, and a bunch of other places. Go to punchuplive.com slash samtalent with two L's. Remember, the roast of Kevin Hart, May 10th on Netflix. It's must-see television. Yeah. And the Kill Tony Mania episode is already out on Netflix because it came out April 20th. And we're going to Madison Square Garden again. So make sure you get tickets for that if you're anywhere near the New York area. and a lot of other fun stuff coming and happening because the fun train never ends.

2:14:39Brian Redban:How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh, my God. Look at that. Sam Talon back in the day. That's old Sam. That's old me, man. He was looking at an old picture of you. Yeah, thanks for the worst painting of me ever, bro. I came so far, and you're reminding me. Thank you. Keeps me humble, Chris. Thanks, bro. Old fat Sam Talon over there. I look like Red Band. How about one more time for the great Sam Tallent? Red Band? San Diego. Be there July 9th or 11th. Bring in some friends. Go to AmericanComedyCo.com. Love you. You guys are a great audience.

2:15:18Brian Redban:We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

2:15:49We'll be right back.

2:16:16Outro Music

2:16:33Thank you.

2:17:04Thank you.

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