#767 - LUIS J GOMEZ + ARI SHAFFIR + PEYTON RUDDY

17:56Brian Redban:Yeah. How about more? Thanks for Winston Marshall. I love a good banjo. Make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everybody. This is her live in the flesh. Feast your eyes on the real deal. Go to HeidiRegina.com. A lot of fun stuff going on over there. Isn't she the best? We got cigars. We got drinks. It's a party here. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Picture this. It's late at night. You're scrolling through your feeds when all of a sudden you see it. That one product you've been looking for. You click on the link out of your cart. Maybe even shop around a little before finally hitting checkout as you're filling in your address.

18:36Brian Redban:You realize you don't have your credit card anywhere near you. That's when you see it, the purple pay button that has all of your information saved, making checking out as simple as a simple tap of your screen. Great, man. Tony, I love Shopify. It's the best business tool. Hands down. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand's style. hands down for sure. Ooh, wait. That's right, Red Band. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling.

19:14Brian Redban:And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. See less carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their ShopPay button. Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash KillTony. Go to Shopify.com slash KillTony. That's Shopify.com slash KillTony. Shopify.com slash KillTony. Shopify.com slash KillTony. Shopify.com slash KillTony. That's right. Go to Shopify.com slash KillTony right now. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and Talkspace, the leading provider of online therapy, wants you to strengthen your relationships and know that a caring licensed therapist can help.

20:01Brian Redban:It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. Talkspace makes getting help convenient. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and exchange text, voice, or video messages with your therapist, too. Talkspace makes it easy, accessible, and affordable to face your challenges, whether that's a mental health condition, relationship conflicts, past trauma, or everyday stress. as you find so many people out of this bucket have. You can find your path to move forward with resilience and peace.

20:33Brian Redban:Plus, most insured members have a$0 copay. Now, here's my man, Red Band, to tell you more about why he loves Talkspace. Thanks, bro. Tony, I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatment out there you can find. Therapy has helped me transform. Hey, look at that. Wow. I can't see. In so many meaningful ways, Tony. It has helped you transform in so many meaningful ways. I mean, you lost six pounds just this month eating sandwiches alone. That's beautiful, Red Band. Take care of yourself this month and every month with Talkspace. Talkspace is in network with most major insurance plans.

21:08Brian Redban:But if you pay out of pocket as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-E-80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. Looks like a new name to me. It's Chris Gerasimo, everyone.

21:39Thank you. You nailed my last name. Gerasimo. Sounds like I'm a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Unfortunately, I have a neck long enough to also be a dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

22:00How funny that joke is, it depends on where you're sitting. This guy had the perfect view over here. Careful, this is a splash zone. But it's a Greek name. You know, my people invented both democracy and anal. Welcome, Tony.

22:27But it's a stereotype because in ancient Greece, the Spartans actually had gay sex to help the army's team chemistry. That's pretty crazy, right? To think that fucking your boys makes you fight better. How did they find that out? And how embarrassing was it? and they realize there's, like, no correlation between anal with the boys and being better soldiers. That's true if he's gay. I don't know.

22:57Brian Redban:All right, Chris Gerasimo, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. Welcome. Good set. You got your cheap Tony is gay joke in there. No, it was fine. Made Louis laugh really hard, this giant fucking seven-year-old retard. For no reason whatsoever. It's a loophole in the show, according to you guys, where you just go, hey, Tony loves anal, and everybody laughs. So fun. How exciting. Instead of it being a real show about stand-up comedy, there's just a blatant loophole and you just let people get away with it. You loved it, too. I saw your Adam's apple get three sizes bigger with you. You fucking freak. Welcome, Chris.

23:35Brian Redban:How are you? What is Gerasimo? Is that Italian? What is that? It's Greek. Greek. Yeah. All right. It was the whole minute. Yeah. Perfect. I mean, Tony, why don't you pay attention? No, I know. He was seething off that gay joke, and he was like... Yes. Furious. I couldn't hear anything before or after.

23:57Tony, your neck looks like you tried to make a meme of yourself in ChatGBT. He's Chris, by the way. I'm Tony. Oh. Yep.

24:07Brian Redban:That'll hold the joke back for sure. Chris, it looks like you're always gulping.

24:14Brian Redban:Chris, how long have you been on stand-up? Three years now. Where at? I'm from Windsor, Canada, but I live in Toronto now. Ooh, big upgrade there. How's Toronto treating you? It's fun. I got the Kill Tony boys. You got Jared and Kansai. Yeah, yep. Those are your homies? You do shows with them a lot? Yeah. You get a lot of Kansai's ramen? Actually, my mom met Kansai because she stayed in my place, and he bowed, and my immigrant mom said, get up, and laughed at him. I thought that was pretty racist, but... Chris, what do you do for a living? Um, I work for a non-profit that has career days in high schools.

24:51So I travel around running career days. Most of the Kill Tony open micers work for a non-profit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get bullied by high schoolers all the time. It's great. What did they say about you? There was this Asian chick that was really mean to me one time. I just said hi to her and she said, You seem toxic as fuck. Wow. And I bet your ex is right about you. Damn.

25:14Brian Redban:Yeah. Amazing. Fuck that girl. Yeah. Okay, Chris. So three years in stand-up, you're in Toronto. How often do you get to make it to America? I used to live in Windsor, so I used to go over to Detroit a lot, but not much anymore. You guys are far and you hate us. Yeah, that makes sense. Chris, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What are some things that you do? You collect Pokemons or something? No. Okay. Good answer. I don't know. I guess I used to fight. I used to kickbox a little bit. Oh, wow. Like professionally? No, just hand me. What else? Just kickbox? Is that your thing?

26:00Brian Redban:Just hang out with my girl, my mom, my roommate. Yeah. At the same time? No.

26:07Brian Redban:What do you and your girl do together? Long walks on the beach. Typical stuff. The old Toronto beaches. Are you making all this up on the spot right now? No, no, she's real. I promise she's real. I've got two fucking serial killers in a row. Hang out with my mom. I'm boring. Is your mom a dead body in your attic? I change her outfit every day. Louis, that's your mom. Hey. He got you. He got you.

26:45So what are you like German or something?

26:48Brian Redban:He's Greek. What are you paying attention? All right. Chris, come on. Give us something crazy about your life. There's got to be something. You ever have a near-death experience? No. He is going to after the show, you motherfucker. Talking about my mom again. I'll kickbox your ass back to Canada, you piece of shit. Me? No, I've never almost died. You ever saved anyone's life? I almost saved someone's life. Tell us about that. They died? Yeah. What happened? Well, it's going to get a little sad, but my dad died like two years ago, like in front of me. Wow. How did your dad die? He had a heart attack.

27:33Wow. And I hopped in and did CPR. No mouth to mouth. Like, don't worry. Yeah. Yeah.

27:41Brian Redban:He's not Tom Brady or anything, but... Got it. But you did do mouth-to-mouth? No, no, no. Did you do chest compressions? Chest compressions, yeah. Did you do mouth-to-cock? How long did you do chest compressions for? Probably about five minutes, yeah. Wow. And then the paramedics arrived? Yeah. Canadian paramedics? Yeah, they were late. So they were, like, real wacky? Yeah. Just chest compressions on his belly button or something? Sure. Showed him on a horseback. Yeah. Oh, he just needs some maple syrup. I'm sorry. We lost him. We lost him. I'm sorry. Oh, my goodness. How long ago was this? Two years next month.

28:25Damn. Yeah. Did you get... This is going to sound insensitive. When you were doing the chest compression, was there a second where his eye just kind of... just did that move thing where you thought you had saved him and then realized... No?

28:41No, no. That was it. Sorry, Ari.

28:49Brian Redban:Do you have to wear two scarves? Good question. Great question. Do you have to wear two scarves on those cold Canadian days? I'm anti-scarf, anti-turtleneck. Those two products have discriminated against my neck size. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Peyton, anything else for this guy? I see you. I ball. I mean, I don't think so. I like your vibe. Appreciate it. I have nothing to say to you. Yeah, you have a good energy, Chris. You're a good guy. I'm sorry that I didn't hear you say that you're Greek. Here's a big joke book. We'll keep it moving along. There you go. Chris Gerasimo, everybody. Oh, this is an interesting name that got pulled out of the bucket.

29:36Brian Redban:This guy is a very compelling character in the history of Kill Tony. I think he's been on twice before. Very much accused of stealing the style of Mitch Hedberg. But, you know, it's kind of a bizarre situation because, yes, but he's also kind of like that, but also not, but kind of is. But he is a really great joke writer. I will say that. So let's see what he does tonight. Make some noise for the return of Keegan Carmichael, everybody.

30:20Hey. A guy stole my wallet. He was like, ha-ha, I have your wallet. I was like, ha-ha, you have 8K of credit card debt. Start paying it back, you bum. Hey, you get cheese on a burrito, it's free. Queso, it's extra. So I'll take it in English.

30:58I can't afford a bilingual burrito. Just make it in a language that's cost-effective. Hey, my sister is vegan. On Thanksgiving, she eats alone.

31:19Hey, I saw a sign that said, in case of fire, use stairs. Fuck that. Let's use water.

31:30Brian Redban:Keegan Carmichael. Looks like Mitch, sounds like Mitch, writes like Mitch, but, I mean, Mitch ain't alive. And here you are. Mitch is dead, and here you are. So if it's the ghost of Mitch, I'll fucking take it. People will complain about it, but goddammit, you're doing it, and that's crazy. But I think you should just go by the ghost of Mitch Hedberg. But I don't know. What do I know? The whole thing's very compelling to me, because you are your own person, and you do sound and look like that. right? So these are not Mitch Hedberg jokes? Not ones that he did, I don't believe, right? No. But it is in the style, and he looks like that, and he sounds like that.

32:15Brian Redban:It's very bizarre. I think I was here your first time. I think last time you were like, I've never heard of Mitch Hedberg. No, I actually never said that, but then the internet just ran with it, so whatever. Yeah. That's exactly what Mitch Hedberg would say.

32:35I will tell you, my favorite part of that is when you do that queso and cheese joke, Michael Gonzalez just goes...

32:43You do that queso and cheese joke and Peyton almost came.

32:48Brian Redban:It is an anomaly. You find these great premises. I mean, the credit card debt, you know, whatever. That's kind of a... But you're warming up there. You're just starting. But other than that, everything after that, very funny, very interesting angles and premises. You have a real knack for it. How much time out of my own genuine curiosity do you think you have of jokes like that all put together if you had to do the longest set possible? Oh, I've done an hour. Yeah. Wow. I have 1 ,500 jokes, but I had an epiphany two nights ago, so I got to rewrite them all. Yeah. Take us through this epiphany.

33:30Brian Redban:Take us through it step by step. What happened exactly? I was high. Yeah, we know that. There's no doubt about that. We knew that part, Keegan. Where were you? How does it happen? What did you think? What was the epiphany? Oh, I can't give that away. I can't give that away. Come on. Yeah, you can. Come on. You're on the show. Come on. I just watched the question. South Park and Jordan Peele. Okay. Okay. Care to elaborate? Yeah. Can you give us some more? The ghost pivot. Okay. Can you keep going? Absolutely not. I have to gatekeep the ghost pivot. Okay. Let's check in with Peyton. I'd like to return to this free queso idea you were talking about.

34:19How exactly does this work? You got to tell them. They ask you if you want queso. You just say, I don't need the translation. Yeah. I will try that.

34:31Brian Redban:It is interesting, right? They have an oven. They have the stovetop thing. They have the cheese. The melted cheese is queso. Queso is extra cheeses. And the cheese even melts if you put it in the thing. What do you think about this? But how much is it if I add for Mars?

34:48It's a lot more. Keegan, I think you're very funny, dude. I know the Mitch Hedberg thing. I can tell it kind of bothers you that people compare you to Mitch Hedberg so much. So, yeah, I mean, I get it. Have you thought about maybe moving away from it and working on trying to differentiate yourself a little? Because you really, I'm all bullshit aside, dude. Your set was fucking brilliant. Like, really, really, really smart jokes. I'm just trying to shit shower and shave, dude. Yeah. Somehow we missed all three today. I don't know.

35:23Brian Redban:Peyton Roddy. I'm telling you, this is the future. As long as that heart holds up, he's going to be... You know what, Tony? You are gay.

35:35Brian Redban:I like it when you say it. You should call your new tour the 2026, and then we'll see tour.

35:44You're going to have a heart attack, and Chris is going to come out here and fail saving your life. Hey, guys, lay off!

35:52Brian Redban:So, Keegan, I do find it so compelling that I am going to get back into this line of questioning that I'd imagine you hate. But, again, it's so interesting. And people, you know, maybe I'm playing devil's advocate here. But have you thought, because of what everyone will think every time they see you, of maybe, let's just say, cutting your hair and changing your delivery or something like that. Have you thought about it? Can you take us through the process of being exactly like Mitch Hedberg? You said delivery and Peyton's about to come again. Yeah.

36:27You know, nobody with nice hair ever tells me to cut it.

36:33Brian Redban:Okay, sure, but seriously. Seriously, Keegan, back to the question. I hear you. That's a good answer. But I'm not saying to cut it. I'm saying, have you thought about getting away from the Mitch Hedberg thing? Oh, I just like to write jokes, man. I understand. Try one of those jokes in a different style. Yeah, throw the N-word in there.

37:07I can't do that translation.

37:14Brian Redban:I'm telling you, he's a funny guy. And you're right, Tony. I've seen interviews with you where you don't act as Mitchie. You act kind of more normal. So it's kind of weird to me that you don't understand that it would be way better for your career if you do that. Why would I do something that makes people stop talking about me? Ooh, interesting. Wow. Okay. I like this. That's why I said throw the N-word in there. Yeah. I'm trying to help you. All right. Well, Keegan, I got to tell you, great jokes, man. You are your own kind of thing, even though you're exactly like something else, but you are your own thing.

37:56Brian Redban:It is something else. There's just no way to describe it, and if I just hated on it all the time, that would just be annoying. It would be dismissive of the fact that you have great premises and great jokes and a whole thing going on for you, Keegan. You know what? I would like to have you on the Secret Show if you want. Look at that. What a turnaround. Big George looking up for Keegan Carmichael. You have a big joke book already? Yep, there you go. Thank you. There he goes, Keegan Carmichael. Dreams do come true. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You know, I hired someone recently who was not only qualified, but also genuinely interested in the open role.

38:34Brian Redban:And that really influenced my decision to hire them. They were eager to learn more about the job and their excitement about the role made them stand out. If you're hiring, you want a candidate who's passionate about your role, but you can't get that insight from a resume. Unless you post your job on ZipRecruiter, and now you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony. Right there. Whoa, Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. It's the best hiring site, hands down. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds qualified candidates quickly. And ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates first.

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39:10Brian Redban:That's right. Candidates can tell you in their own words why they're interested in your job. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2, so find candidates who you really want your job on ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day, so try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. meet your match on zip recruiter meet your match on zip recruiter this podcast is sponsored by superpower you know recently i left a doctor's appointment feeling like i got nothing useful my doctor essentially just said you're fine and told me to drink more water that's why i'm fascinated by what superpower is doing superpower sends a licensed professional to your home or you can visit a nearby lab it's one simple blood draw with over 100 biomarkers which is way more than than what you usually get.

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41:07Brian Redban:For a limited time, our listeners get$20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. Head over to Superpower.com and use code Tony for$20 off your membership. That's code Tony. After you sign up, they'll ask you how you heard about Superpower. Do us a favor and tell them Tony sent you to support the show. That's right. Go get Superpower. All right. We're going to keep it moving along. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun? I'm having fun. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Adam Mele. Everyone, Adam Mele.

41:42I'm born in 2001.

41:49It was a great year for me.

41:53Not so great for Lower Manhattan. All right.

42:02Growing up in school, we had a kid whose birthday was on the actual 9-11-2001. So every year we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day, and the class would get real quiet. And then the teacher would break in, boys and girls, on this day we must remember that Francesco's mom brought cupcakes!

42:24Oh my gosh, are those chocolate frosted? Because this is a day I will never forget.

42:33We actually had a twin in the class too, Francesca. The teacher would tell us, boys and girls, I just got word from the office that a second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. A second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. It's really crazy because there was another 9-11 birthday in our school across the hall from us, there was another 9-11 birthday. A third tray of cupcakes hit over there. Really crazy is that classroom...

42:58Brian Redban:Hold on, go ahead. No, I want to hear the end of it. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. That classroom was Pentagon-shaped, and there was supposed to be a fourth tray, but that one fell in the hallway on the way to the class. Okay, there you go. Adam Malave, everybody. An entire minute, 15 seconds about the greatest tragedy in American history, everybody. We thought it was Francesca's mom that brought in those cupcakes, but it wasn't. It was the Jews. Yeah. The whole time it was the Jews. You'd be surprised. It's interesting because on the original 9-11, that's how we also celebrated it. We had cupcakes ready.

43:30How did they have their cupcakes ready? Check in with Peyton Rodney down here. No gelatin. Is it just me? Does this guy not look and sound exactly like Mitch Hedberg to you?

43:44Am I tweaking over here? He looks a little... I got heroin on the back, too, if you want.

43:49Brian Redban:I want it. Yeah. Adam Malave, why does it sound like you have the other guy's Adam's apple stuck in your throat? You have a little RFK junior to you. What's up with your delivery? I don't know. I've never felt too RFK-y, you know? Really? No one's ever brought this to your attention before? Someone told me I sound a little like McLovin, but I've never heard RFK before. Am I the only one hearing the fact that he sounds like... Yeah, maybe I'm a little raspy today. Sorry about that, though. You under the weather or something? No, no, no, not at all. Oh, okay. Yeah, you clocked me as Jewish, so good job there.

44:26Are you Jewish? I am. I saw it right away. What did I say to you? Come on. He walked out and Ari leaned over. He goes, yeah, he's one of mine. Yeah. Yeah. I play for the team.

44:38Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. Proudly. All right. Okay, Adam. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Where at? From New York. Right. I took the train here, actually. Okay. Very, very... It took three days, two nights to get here. I took Amtrak. You know, in Japan, they got high-speed rail. I feel like in America, we have the opposite. And I feel like they try to, like, make the train slower on purpose. You know, the conductors, they take smoke breaks at stations they like. You're turning more into RFK as we speak. Have you guys ever taken the Amtrak? I mean, what is with those things?

45:20I'm getting 420 voice Smoke breaks are too long I'm gonna go to the snack cart I'll be right back Adam, what do you do for a living? Right now, well I used to do financial consulting No way

45:33Brian Redban:You, a Jew In New York, finances Come on, no On the train, no No, no I actually started the open mic website In New York called Comedic I have stickers for you guys if you'd like. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, speak for yourself. I'm trying to build a career. Oh, Ari's going to resell the stickers. Ari's going to resell the stickers later. Peyton thinks they're punk stickers. He made me empty my pockets. I'll give you after. You fucking tease. I'm sorry. Wait, what do I... I got something on it. Okay, relax. No one cares about your fucking gay stickers. Let's keep it on the... I got a kiwi.

46:12Brian Redban:Wow. It just blows up. They didn't check the hoodie pocket. That's the one pocket they didn't check. Put it away. I'm the only fruit on this stage. Let's go. There you go. I can do it to myself. You guys eat it up. Fucking homos. All right. Adam, tell us more about your life. Tell us something interesting about you that would surprise us. Yeah. I mean, I do stand-up all over New York. I have a weekly show in Brooklyn. I started the open mic website. Again, you already said that. Okay. They're so fucking annoying that you just keep saying that you keep... Open mic. No one gives a fuck about an open mic website in New York.

46:49Brian Redban:That's fair. Can you say anything other than an open mic website in New York? Yeah, I'm about to have my 69th body party. What? My 69th body party. What is that? To celebrate my 69th body. Can you explain that more? I can't believe I have to say it. You've had sex with 68 men. I don't believe it. No, other way. No, but yeah, 69th body party. I'm very excited. Going to be at the Brooklyn Art House on May 23rd. You guys are all invited. Come by. Are you for real? Yeah. You're celebrating almost 70 people you've had sex with? Yeah. I'm at 70 now, but yeah. Okay. All right. And 15 of them are going to show up, so it's going to be nice.

47:32Brian Redban:Okay. Wow. So, Adam, tell us about that. What are your tricks to, how do you trick these women?

47:41I mean, I'm a very, like, enthusiastic, positive person, and I listen sometimes.

47:46Brian Redban:I swallowed a diamond ring earlier. You think you can get it out for me? I'm just looking at your eyes. Are you part Asian or part Newt? No, no, no. Not at all. People say I look like a young Mark Zuckerberg or like a Gen Z Elon Musk. But then other people think I just look like a bisexual Asian. So I don't know if that's... I think you look like Mitch Hedberg. I think... You got the Berg part right. That's for sure. Yeah, yeah. Take that. Okay. Adam Malave from New York. Have you ever seen Adam before? You're a big New Yorker. I've never seen him, and I hope I never do again. It's the last time I will ever hear this name.

48:23No, you're funny, dude. I can tell you got chops. You're a funny dude. I really can't believe that 70 women have... You're only 20 or 24 years old. 24, yeah. First of all, I wouldn't let you near my finances. You're a child. Second of all, I can't believe that in just 24 years, you've been able to bed 70 women. That's crazy. I have a question. I have a financial question. Yeah. How much does a 70-pack of GHB cost?

48:53I didn't realize what GHB was for a sec, but I don't know.

48:57Brian Redban:It's what you put inside of the kiwi that you keep inside of your pocket. That would be cute. Can I trade you a kiwi for the joke book? No, I don't want your fucking kiwi. No? Here's the joke book, though. There you go. Take it. There he goes, Adam Malave, everyone. Thanks, dude. I'm going to keep it moving here. Bye. There he goes, Adam Lee. There he goes, all right. Little fist bump from the fellow Jew. There it is. When they see each other out in the wild.

49:32Brian Redban:How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody.

49:37Brian Redban:Clearing, saging the room of all those Jewy 9-11 jokes we just heard. All right, this looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for your next bucket pool. It's Royal Oats. Royal Oats.

49:55Yeah, I don't know if you can tell by looking at me and the cleavage that I'm showing right now, but it's a lot of muscle up under here, right? And you know, the first thing they say about people when they got muscles, right, is they're on steroids. And I don't have a problem with steroids because steroids is cool, right? I have a problem with what they say about people on steroids, right? Like, this one chick tried to come at me, and she was like, I know your dick is shriveled up to this small because of all the steroids you use. And I had to correct her, right? I was like, first of all, bitch, um...

50:31It's not your dick, they say. It's your balls, right? And I've never had sex with a woman when she... I never had sex with a woman, and she get on the phone with her homegirl the next day, and she's like, oh, hello? She's like, hello? She said, hey, bitch, what you doing? Nothing, what you doing? Nothing, did you fuck royal? She said, and did. She said, how was the dick? She said, the dick was good, bud. She said, uh-uh, but what, bitch? She said, bitch, he had small balls, right? I'm talking about balls so small, you could've went to Vegas and shot dice with them motherfuckers, okay? Right? She said, here I am being a...

51:10All right.

51:11Brian Redban:Was there more there, Royal Oates? Let me finish it. I'll let you finish it. All right. I'm sorry, Royal. Thank you. Sorry, Royal Oates. Thank you. That's a good thing. Your Honor, let me finish. Your Honor, please. Let me finish. Sorry, you giant black man. Finish the joke. Let me finish it. She said, she said, here I am being a freaky bitch trying to get teabag and this nigga brought salt and pepper packages. That's the end. Okay, there you go. Royal Oats. Thank you, man. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Appreciate it. I love it. First of all, congratulations on beating Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania.

51:48Brian Redban:Thank you. Second of all, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for 10 years, man. Where at? Atlanta or Florida? I'm from Tulsa. Oklahoma. Oh, wow. I would not have. Yeah, I'm the only nigga there. Hell, I was gonna say. You see him now. Exactly what I was going to say. Tell you what, Tony. Yes. I was gonna use those exact words. You go ahead, tell me. Whatever you want. I want to tell another joke. You know what? I'm going to let you do it.

52:16Brian Redban:Spotlight. Give him the spot, Kino. Give me the goddamn spotlight.

52:24Listen, white people. I love holidays, man. I really do. My favorite holiday would have to be, no doubt, St. Paddy's Day. You get to run around wearing green, pinching people on the ass, and saying Irish shit like Conor McGregor, Conor McGregor. You know, look at me charms. I don't know I'm fucking racist, right? My second favorite holiday would have to be, no doubt, Cinco de Mayo, right? That's when Mexicans get together, sell cocaine, and kill each other. Trust me, I've seen four seasons of the Narcos. I know exactly how this shit works. The problem I have with holidays is black people don't have any cool holidays, right?

53:06You know, when you think about black holidays, what do we have? Martin Luther King Day. And what is Martin Luther King Day? A bunch of niggas running around in the cold with sweaters on with Martin Luther King face on it. Y 'all white people don't even show up for that shit. Right? And then our other holiday is Juneteenth. Like, my man, if I was to ask you what Juneteenth, what would you say? Niggas, that's the day they freed the slaves. All you know is the bank is closed, okay? So I have a suggestion, right? I have a tattoo to suggest a holiday that I think that black people would love. Okay?

53:41Right? Let me show y 'all right now.

53:52OJ Day, right?

54:10Is this not fucking Kill Tony or what?

54:16Oh, shit. Could you imagine that shit? Niggas running around with knives, scurrying white bitches half to death.

54:26Brian Redban:I'm here, Kill Tony. All right, you're here. I'm here. You're here. I got a lot of notes. I don't think it's okay to pinch people on the ass on St. Paddy's Day. I'm pretty sure you're committing a crime. I think that's the rule, ain't it? Where the Irish people at? You pinch them on the ass, they don't have green on. That's the fucking rule. That's the thing. You dumbass Italian. You don't do it on the ass, though. You just pinch them. Can I have my wallet back?

54:52Brian Redban:All right, Royal, Royal, Royal. Please don't take anything out of the wallet, please. The nigga ain't got no money in there anyway. No, no, no. It's tied up. It's a fake robbery. It's in savings. He's fully invested in Chipotle gift cards. All right, Royal, you just interrupt whatever you want. Perfect. Let me pick my jacket up. Yes. Okay. All right. Royal, if I gave you$200, would you be willing to fuck my girlfriend in front of me? Yes. As long as I can open for you the next night. Oh, yeah, you can. You can headline the show, to be honest. I'll open for you, Royal Oates. This is amazing. So let's talk about the OJ tattoo.

55:34Yeah. Because that really stole the shit. You got the bronco there, too. It's the knife, the bronco. I brought it all together.

55:39Brian Redban:Oh, my God. He really does have the glove, the bronco. I don't know if you're in on that. I don't know if that camera one can zoom or what we can possibly do. But it might be truly the most diabolical tattoo I've ever seen in my 41 years on planet Earth.

55:59Brian Redban:Again, all we're looking at, all we're applauding is the tattoo. The body is just okay, but I'm sure you work hard at it. Trust me, I know. I stare at black, muscular men all day. You should come kiss OJ. But I'm not here, if you're wondering what I'm doing. You should come kiss OJ. Huh? Tony kiss OJ? Okay, Royal. This is not your first time kissing a black guy, right? Chill the fuck out. I'm taking back over here. How long you been doing stand-up? Ten years. Ten years. What do you do for work exactly? I mostly try to post my dick on OnlyFans hoping a bunch of gay dudes subscribe. But how do you make money?

56:31I do Uber. I do Uber.

56:33Brian Redban:Okay. Yeah. Have you ever thought about combining those two things?

56:41Uber. You're on the sum there. I like that. You say you do Uber, but from the looks of you, it looks like you do Lyft. Yeah, I love the Lyft, man. Very good. I love the Lyft. Positive, positive joke. I want to be hanging.

56:51Brian Redban:There you go. All right, so you do Uber and Uber Eats? Do you do all the Ubers? Just Uber. What kind of car do you have? What are you picking people up in? I got it. I got one of those electronic Ubers. I was going to guess you're a piggyback Uber driver. They're all different types. You order an Uber and they give you a piggyback ride. Okie dokie. You know what they say, Tony. If the joke doesn't hit, you must acquit. That's what they say. That's true. If I had a wallet, I'd give it to you for that one. All right. Royal Oats. An incredible... You took a real stab at it here tonight. What else would surprise us about your life, Royal Oats?

57:35Everything about my life is crazy.

57:38Brian Redban:What kind of women are you into? How big of white women are you into, except? Size depends on the woman, you know? If we put a wig on Peyton right now, how hard... I can get a bad bitch. Uh-huh. I can still get a bad bitch. I got a little left in me. Right. But what do you settle for is what I want to know. I don't know, man. It's depending on what time of night it is. That's right. You know? I like that. Hell yeah. If I had one critique of your act, It's just like, uh, the premise of the, of the, that having small balls is bad. I didn't care for it.

58:22I think having small balls is some of the most powerful things you can have. Would you rather suck big ones? No, but I'd rather have big ones. And Ori has huge balls.

58:32Brian Redban:Big balls ought to get in the way of big dick. Crazy balls. That sounds like extra work for a woman. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but enough talk about balls and dick up here. How many times have you been pulled over in Tulsa, Oklahoma? Oh, my God, 183 times. When they pull you over, do they go, I thought we got them all. Yeah, this tattoo. You again. This tattoo is actually you handing the cups your license. You again.

59:01Brian Redban:Does it really happen a lot? I'll kick your ass for that. No. Does it really happen a lot? Do you get pulled over a lot in Tulsa? Not as much as I used to when I was younger. Right. Yeah. Have you been arrested before? Of course. For what? Well, at one point in my life, I was doing life without in prison. Whoa. Tell us more about this. So I got life without for a drug trafficking case, and the police end up being like a dirty cop. So the shit end up going back to trial, and they end up giving me a plea deal. that I took, and I was able to get out of prison again. Wow. Did you really commit the crime, or...?

59:39Yeah, I was definitely selling the crime.

59:45Got me. They got me there. I was like, that's it, man. Dude, life without parole, that was some crazy drama. Well, they offered me life, and it was like, either you take the life and do, like, 15 years, or we take it to trial. I was like, you know, if I'm going to waste 15 years, I might as well just take it to trial, and it worked out. It might be happening. Yeah, you saw the OJ trial. He was like, I got this. They're going to be on my side. Check in with Ari Shiffey. You know you're in the criminal justice system when you shorten it to life without. Yeah. Straight up, I was meant to be here.

1:00:18Yeah. I was meant to be here, man.

1:00:20Brian Redban:Amazing. So when you... How long were you in there when you got word that the prosecutor was dirty? I knew all the... Not the prosecutor, it was a dirty cop. Sure. Oh, that's what I... Sure. Go ahead. I knew all the time that he was a dirty cop, but it was like three years before they actually took him to trial. Oh, amazing. Peyton Reddy. Why men great till they gotta be great?

1:00:44I had nothing on that one.

1:00:49Brian Redban:Royal Oats. I mean, the set was just okay, but I love your interview. You've been sitting out on some things. You want to do more? I'm just kidding. I'm not giving you more time. No, no, no. I want you to know. I don't know if you've ever seen me. I was viral on the internet. I had a fight at a comedy show where I ended up hitting a dude with a microphone. Oh, shit. Yeah. It was really crazy, man. Big fight. Wow. You hit a comic with a microphone? No, I hit a fan. I hit a crowd guy. He came up to the stage. What exactly happened? You can look it up. I believe it. We're not going to look it up right now.

1:01:25Brian Redban:Describe it. You have a microphone. You're a professional. I had a microphone, and I'm telling jokes, right? And I hear a guy booing, right? So I look out on the stage like, okay, well, you're booing. I can roast, right? So when I look at him, I'm like, oh, you look like Jaheim 2001 put that woman first outfit on, right? So I'm thinking he's gonna come back with another roast. He was like, nigga, you gay. And I was like... It sucks, doesn't it, when that happens? And the crowd fucking goes crazy. It's a loophole in the system. And I'm sick of it. That happens to you, too? It did. It did. You know what?

1:02:02Brian Redban:You and I should have dinner and talk about this. Let's get it. Get out of here, Royal Oats. Great appearance. Great interview. Great tattoo. We love his tattoo. It's a great tattoo. Very funny. All right. This is a fucking hootenanny of a show. I love it. Oh, my goodness gracious.

1:02:24Brian Redban:Every time Heidi leans over Ari, he gets a full two and a half inches erect. Son of a bitch. You know I did, though. You know I did, though. All right. One-word name your next bucket, fool. Our first one-word name of the night. Always interesting, these one-word names. Make some noise for Sir Jan, everybody. Sir Jan.

1:02:50So my name is Sir Jan. I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but my parents are brown immigrants. And my mom, she wanted me to be a doctor so bad, she named me surgeon. It's fucked up, I know, so much pressure. Imagine being named after a job. But my name's kinda cool, my siblings, they got it so much worse. My older brother, his name is Engineer. Yeah, and he grew up to be an engineer, because he's a suck-up. But my little sister, she has the worst name. I feel so bad for her, they didn't really believe in her that much, so they named her abortion. Um, just to get real for a second, I don't know if you guys are still doing your New Year's resolution, but as of today, I'm officially four months sober.

1:03:29Thank you. Thank you. It's been four months since I last said the N-word. Yeah. Staying strong. Staying strong. And for my last joke, I need you guys to play along with me. You know how this goes. Knock, knock. My cat. Leo.

1:03:49Oh, I was hoping I was at a minute, but I didn't get it. Wow. I sped through it. I sped through it. There you go.

1:03:57Brian Redban:We were close, though. What's up, Leo? I mean, like... Check in with Peyton Ruddy. That's okay. I think that was a Mitch Hedberg joke anyway. I think you did anything. Mike and Leo. He was in the curry. The difference between, like, Royal Oates, who's, like, a real man, and how much he came through the microphone, and every other comic tent, I was like... Sorry about that. Yeah. It's been four months since you said the n-word, but be honest when Royal Oates just walked off by you with his jacket completely unzipped, you definitely thought about it, am I right? After you walked away. Right, yeah, exactly.

1:04:29Brian Redban:You don't want him reading your mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm staying sober, yeah. Sir John, how much time did you prepare your eyebrows for tonight? Twenty-five years. Okay. Is that how old you are? Yes, sir. Twenty-five. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Where at? Dallas. That's where you live. That's where you were born and raised. I was born in Nepal, but I came to America when I was six years old. Well, that set was Nepal-ing. Hell yeah. Damn. Sorry, I thought it was good. I thought Tony would like it. I'm sorry. I will say, dude, if that cat thing hit, it would have been a standing fucking ovation in here.

1:05:08That would have been the most brilliant moment in Kill Tony history, but it was eight seconds of us staring at you. How are you planning on timing that? Guessing what 60 full seconds is while you're talking. That's a lunatic move. There's no way you'd get that. I've done it many times at comedy clubs in Dallas. There's 100 videos on my phone. Exactly a minute. I think I was... And they have a cat sound at this comedy club? I do it. You've practiced that 100 times. And after 96 times on your phone, you're like, I need more videos. I have 2 terabytes storage, so I can just keep recording. Wow. Bragger.

1:05:43I love how you were like, all right. I love how you were like, all right, how can I land this plane? A knock-knock joke. It's one of the most traditional forms of jokes, and I love jokes. Yeah, back in 1932, maybe.

1:05:59Brian Redban:Are you explaining to us a knock-knock joke right now? Well, it's one of the oldest forms of jokes. Why did the chicken cross the road to get the fuck away from your scent? Okay. Okay. It crossed the road to get to his cat, Leo. My cat would eat up that chicken. Do you really have a cat named Leo? Yeah, I do. Okay, so surgeon, what type of brown are you exactly? I'm from Nepal. So you are Nepalese? Nepalese, exactly. Both parents are? Both parents, yeah. What made them move to Dallas? So we got the diversity lottery, shout out to my mom. The diversity lottery? Yeah. What? Wow, they were white until then?

1:06:36Brian Redban:No. So, so... It's like a Powerball or something? I think it was Reagan or Carter. They had this policy where 50 ,000 people from around the world, Nepal was selected around that time. Talk slower and into the tip of the microphone. Sorry. The other thing went... Fuck, I need some... Fuck is going on over there. Sorry. You're on a show right now. Yes. Okay. So, my mom won the lottery in 2006 when there was a civil war happening in Nepal. and then luckily I was from a village, literally grew up like taking a shower in the same river that my grandfather did. Taking a shower in the same river? Like as kids, we had like a little like...

1:07:13Pump? Pump thingy, but we would take showers in the river. You didn't just jump in? I mean, it was like for fun and stuff as a kid.

1:07:19Brian Redban:Oh, yes. Yeah? Thank you, Ari. Yes. Welcome back. Very rare for a Jew to help a brown guy in any way. My favorite Jew. That's right. Sir John, go ahead. So you were showering in a river with a water pump. This is incredible. By the way, that's how Peyton gets a sputter on his toast in the morning. All right, that sucked. Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? To get into your rotisserie? You were falling from the table. No, I was going to say. You ruined my setup! Sir John, go ahead. So, yeah, I was born in a village, like literally in Gitanagar village. and then I came to America when I was six years old.

1:08:02I rode a car and a plane within the first time, within the same week, right? I came to America in Dallas, Texas. I lived in Irving and then now I live in Uless. I mean, my first job was Water Burger. I feel like I'm a Texan even though I'm an immigrant, right? I feel like America is land of immigrants and I feel like I'm very Texan even though I was born in Paul. This audience hates this. They're like, fuck you, dude. Am I... Am I...

1:08:27Brian Redban:We're building momentum. We're building... Louis refuses to let anything build. He's from the Legion of Skanks where they interrupt each other every five seconds for no fucking reason. Can I take my jacket off? Doesn't make any sense. Can I take my jacket off? You want to take your jacket? What are you going to sweat? What are you sweating? No, I don't sweat. I actually... Tell me you have an OJ tattoo. No, no, no, no, no, no. This guy's got a 9-11 tattoo 100%. I want deodorant. Okay, go ahead. Whatever you're doing, go ahead. Okay. The arms are less hairy than anybody would have expected. My chest.

1:08:56I have the hair on my chest.

1:08:58Brian Redban:Oh, there it is. Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ. Wait, now that you got the jacket off, you're feeling yourself a bit, do the knock-knock joke again. Can I? No, I'm sorry. Can I just come back out and cut this? I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. All right, Sir John. So you said your first job was at Whataburger. What exactly is your job now? I work as a solutions architect for an IT company, so I just help customers find problems with technical... Like, find solutions to technical problems. Yes. Ari Shafir. That's such a build up from Whataburger to that. I've had a lot of jobs. I always work. I grew up wanting money, so I always worked.

1:09:39And I started my way up. I mean, hopefully one day I can be a worker. I can work here.

1:09:48Brian Redban:Where exactly? Like right here. You want to fix the neons or something? What are you pointing at? I can find a solution for that too if you need. But I want to be on this stage. I've never done comedy in front of this many people. It's amazing. Good for you, dude. That's awesome. On 420, and I came today, I signed up, this is my 15th time signing up. I signed up once a month, every month last year, and I kind of, like, stopped coming this year, but it was 420 on a Monday. I was like, my driver's license has a 420 on it. I gotta come. What has a 420 on it? My driver's license starts with 420 and ends with 69.

1:10:23So I think I'm born to be a comedian. I swear to God, I'll bring it out. I swear to all my Hindu gods, I'll bring it out. Yeah.

1:10:31Brian Redban:I like your style, man. You're so genuine, and you're kind of like a sweet boy. It's incredible. I am. Right? It's like, you know, I'm just happy to have the opportunity. I started at a Whataburger, worked my way up. I took a car and a train or whatever to get here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's kind of like you, Tony, if he's brown, but had no confidence. Yeah. Amazing. Sir John, what's your love life like? Um, I've been... Do your parents only allow you to date Nepalese girls? They did. Who have you been promised to? They thought they wanted that, and then, I mean, I started dating this girl in high school, my girlfriend, high school sweetheart.

1:11:06We've been dating for eight years. Wow. So we've been still together, and my parents love her more than me, probably. It's a white girl? No, she's Indian. So, like, I just went south the border. I was, like, close enough. That's as close as it'll get up in Dallas. Yeah, I mean, Nepali girls are probably all my cousins anyways. I was like, let me get a little bit less incest going, you know? Yeah, amazing.

1:11:23Brian Redban:I want to know what that sex smells like. It smells great. And that probably is an Indian sex. Oh, my God. I can't even imagine. If you want to join us, like, yeah. Now, what are your... What are your... Good job, Redman. Very good. That was good. That is correct.

1:11:46Brian Redban:What do your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy? Um, they were iffy about it, and they were like, I mean, like, you have, like, good job, why are you going out Wednesday at 10 p.m. to go to do an open mic? But I mean, they support it. They think it's like they don't really understand what it is and they don't understand what I really want, like this dream that I have, but one day they'll understand. And I'll show them. But in the beginning it was rough and now you're... Even still today, my mom's like, why are you driving? I live in Dallas, I drove here, so why are you driving in the rain?

1:12:20But, I mean, now she's going to see in three weeks I'm going to be on... Right. Killed Tony.

1:12:24Brian Redban:She's going to see you're so deep into it. So deep is also the name of your brother. My brother's name is Nergen. His what? My brother's name is Nergen. I'm surgeon. He's Lurgen and you're surgeon? Nergen. What is your mom? Dr. Seuss? He actually is a doctor. Yeah, it's one fish, two fish, brown fish, brown fish, you know. I love this. Yeah. Ah! Sir John, keep doing the work, man. Work hard. Dallas has a lot of places you can get up, go to all the clubs, keep working. Do it. Chase your dreams, buddy. I'll be back. Yep, there you go. Thank you, Austin. Happy 420. Have a great show. He's such a positive guy.

1:13:08Brian Redban:Yeah, he really is. Good job, buddy. Especially for one of the brown people, you know what I mean? He's like the nicest terrorist we've ever had on this show. speaking of immigrants that are living their dreams this guy won a golden ticket a couple months ago he is very funny and we're gonna see him right now ladies and gentlemen this is the return the third ever appearance i do believe of orhul tamor everybody here he comes

1:13:43This comedy bit is going to lose its potency after a black guy, but I love fat girls so much. I fucking love them. And you guys are looking at me like, is it the blowjobs? No. It's the love. I'm 33 years old. I am fine being the pretty girl in the relationship at this point. Like, I... Nothing... Well, actually, I've dated someone who... whose boyfriend before me killed himself. That's the best. Okay, I'm not saying go find a girl and depress her boyfriend. I'm saying if you did, it would be worth the time. It's fine. Because... Dude, every time you're sad, you get a blowjob. So you don't kill yourself.

1:14:32And it's, like, not normal blowjob. Like, normal blowjob, you finish and then it ends. This one, like, if you come, you're like, I'm done. She's like, I'm not. She does it till sadness comes out effervescently. And that works with blowjobs, by the way. Blowjobs, cum comes out, then sadness, then blood if you keep going. So you gotta stop. You gotta stop between sadness and blood. But after a while, it's dangerous, because it's like every time you're horny, you get sad. Like, Paul loves dick over there. Okay, you guys don't read. You don't know who Paolo is. But, uh... Good, good. I should have ended right before.

1:15:08Orhun Tamora.

1:15:10Brian Redban:Good set. Welcome, Orhun. Good to be back. Good to have you here. And you are originally from Turkey, correct? Yes. Ari Shafir, what's your analysis of Turkey? I think that's the life story of Turkey. If they had to do a movie about Turkey, it should be called Between Sadness and Blood. Oh, sadness and blood are not separate. They're together. How did I know you were going to knock that out of the park?

1:15:39Brian Redban:That is incredible. Orhun, welcome back. What's been going on in life? Oh, you know, heartbreaks, good sets. You know, my car got vandalized in Houston. Tell us about that. I rented a car and I got the cheapest insurance because I was trying to save$17.84. And somebody vandalized my car and I told Houston Comics, they were like, yeah, welcome to Houston, bitch. That does happen in Houston a lot. Did this man happen to have an O.J. Simpson tattoo on his stomach? I'm from Turkey, so O.J. Simpson is not evil there. When you tell a woman in Turkey, hey, O.J. Simpson, and they said, yeah, well, why was she cheating?

1:16:27It's not as potent, but I appreciate your effort.

1:16:31Brian Redban:What type of vandalizing did they do to your car? They, I think, took a big stick with a pointy end to the hood. And, yeah, and they scratched it. Like, they made it so... Because I was going to go to a Mexican guy to get it fixed, but it was un-Mexicanable. Like, it was too... Yeah, too much. It's funny because in Los Angeles, I know you won't do this But in Los Angeles if you've got a dent in your car you go to an Armenian guy and I know Did the guy say I mix I can't fix this No, that's he just he said stuff that Was I don't even know just Spanish shit

1:17:16Brian Redban:Amazing so he couldn't fix it but you tried yeah yeah he was also a comic you can't beat these people for sure those people comics that is let's get back to this insurance that didn't cover it our senior insurance correspondent Ari Shafir so you got insurance but it covered everything but vandalism no no no it actually didn't cover anything so basically the deductible was$3 ,000 why are you making me talk about insurance okay you're laughing or I'll do it So there's a$3 ,000 deductible. If I paid$17.84 more, it would have been$500 deductible. Yeah. Are you happy you asked? Is this a comedy corridor you're glad you walked into, motherfucker?

1:18:03Brian Redban:That's what I'm talking about. There's the team where we know. There you go. How was your set, though? Did you have a good set? Oh, I had great sets. I'm the only person who did like 16 shows in 7 days and lost money you know how much did this end up costing you $1 ,000 and 40 cents oh no$1 ,000 $1 ,040 and like 60 cents by the way future reference cents don't really matter it matters to me and to Ari by the way it does that's why people People survive thousands of years. Those cents, we make it count. Amazing. Orhun, so fun. What else is going on? Anything else crazy we should know about? Honestly, I used to have a life before this.

1:18:56Now it's only comedy, which... Fuck life. I don't give a fuck about life. This is what you want. I'll play volleyball after I'm dead, you know? I want to do comedy, and it's been great. Absolutely.

1:19:08Brian Redban:You're doing a good job, Orhun. I'm proud of you. You're living the dream. Thank you. I love validation, so... You love what? I love validation. Validation, absolutely. That's Sir John's other brother. No, I'm not being ironic, by the way. And every now and then I need to be padded. Yeah, you got it. You're doing good, bud. You look good, you're killing it, everything's good. Orhun Tamor, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Good stuff, Orhun. He'll be back soon. He's the defending golden ticket winner, so... What do you get with the golden ticket? Explain it, I don't know exactly. With the golden ticket, you get to leave...

1:19:41What? Anytime you want?

1:19:42Brian Redban:Well, it's kind of anytime you want. It used to be, but now there's so many that you kind of leave avails. And I look at things every week and see how many regulars we have and how many spots there are. And usually you can only squeeze one in based on, like, a rotation kind of of when the last one was. It's a good question that most people don't know about. Are they playing you off for your discussion about... What? Are they saying wrap it up with music? Yeah, it is crazy. That's crazy. That's a crazy thing. I know, Michael loves hitting the drums very hard. He has no sense of how hard he's hitting the drums over there.

1:20:19Brian Redban:Yeah, it's these wacky earpieces so they can all communicate with each other. Can't hear us. He's treated like an ox? They can be like, does anyone have a blunt?

1:20:30Brian Redban:B minor means pass it down. Yeah. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. There you go, Michael. You get to play on the drums, everybody. goes by the name of Stephanie Ann, everyone. Stephanie Ann.

1:20:48I just got out of a 22-year lesbian relationship. Not with a female, with a man who is a real bitch. Let's talk about it.

1:21:00Now men say things to me like, whose pussy is this? I'm like, I think it's mine. I mean, if this pussy at 45, I don't own it. it better be a land contract or rent-to-own situation. Otherwise, please, everyone give me a dollar tonight to pay off this affirm loan, okay? I've just lost a ton of weight with gastric sleeve surgery. For those of you who don't know what gastric sleeve is, it's where they surgically alter your stomach to only hold four ounces of food. But, like, don't worry, boys, I can still fit eight inches down my throat, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if y 'all got that, but, you know, we got a ruler in the car down the road somewhere.

1:21:44I don't know, Austin. I'm from Detroit. All right. Anyway, I'm done, I think. All right, cool.

1:21:50Brian Redban:59 seconds. She had the timing that Sir John wishes he had. Held it. Amazing. I put the mic over here. All right. Welcome, welcome, Stephanie Ann. Thank you. This is your first time on the show? Yes, my first time in Austin. I love it. Welcome. When did you get into town? On Saturday morning. Nice. What have you done since you got here? They did a show with a couple of my friends that are comics here and got really high because, you know, 420. Where'd you come from? Detroit. Nice. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up since the pandemic. I started doing, like, TikTok videos, and then I started doing actual stand-up comedy right after everything opened up.

1:22:29Brian Redban:When did you lose all the weight? It's been a 13-year journey. I've lost 350 pounds. Whoa! That is, for those of you wondering, that is a Peyton Ruddy worth of weight. Yes, yes, yes. Well, guess what? You lost it. Red Band found it. Yeah. Yeah. I also lost the last 50 pounds with the help of Wagovi. Whoa. Shout out. Yeah. I call her by her name because that bitch has been inside me for months. Hey, can I just tell you, that should not be the last 50. It should not. No. I'm working hard though Oh yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah I'm wrong I'm gonna go on the Irish beer diet Crack, okay Oh You crackhead You crackhead Jew Crackhead Jew Crackhead Jew Crackhead Jew Crackhead Jew For you Lewis, one chant per episode Checking I just want to return to this real quick.

1:23:40I'm like 160. I just want to... I felt like that kind of got we skimmed over that real quick. Bro, I have been crossing my legs this whole fucking show. That's because you're an old Jew, man. That's because you're an old... I love it. Stephanie, you said you're 45 years old? I'm 45 years old. I feel so bad. Women age like shit.

1:24:06Brian Redban:Ari Jafir is 78 years old. Stephanie, let's talk about that. Was that true? You were in a 22-year-long relationship? Yes, I was married to... I'm actually still currently married, but we're separated, but I was married to my husband for 22 years. Black guy, right? Okay. When did the relationship end? It ended when I started comedy, apparently. During the pandemic? Just slightly after the pandemic, yeah. Right. So what weight were you during the pandemic? What weight was I during? Ballpark. About 250. About 250. Yeah. I had lost the first amount of weight beforehand and then had my two kids. I have two boys.

1:24:47Brian Redban:How old are they? My oldest is 12. Going through puberty right now, I just fucking had to take a vacation. And my youngest is 10 and he is level three autistic. Okay. Level three autistic. So if you need a 10 mother. Isn't it interesting that he The one that's 10 ended up being autistic Yeah that's why we cut that shit off Right after that no more babies after that But I mean you're also Using a bunch of medicine to lose weight during that time Oh no no no I've only been on GLP For the last year Just old shit Yeah Are you counting Your son's weight in the weight that you lost My son is pretty big for his size, yes.

1:25:33He's about 300. You lost a bunch of weight and then your husband then dumped you? My husband then dumped me because I couldn't run away from a mini-Lemore. Yeah, yeah, he did. I use GLPs, too. No, I dumped him, basically. You do? What kind of GLPs do you use? I use ginormously large pants.

1:25:54160! 160!

1:25:59Brian Redban:Amazing. Amazing. So, Stephanie, tell us more about your life. I find you so intriguing. You're taking these jokes, you're laughing. I love it. You're like a real comedian. This is great. Thank you. Tell us more about your life. I'm an insurance claims adjuster for like a union insurance. Can you help a guy that rented a car in Houston, Texas? You know, I probably can't because I chose not to rent a car just for that fucking reason. I was like, no, thank you. Nothing but trouble. So how did you get, you flew obviously from Detroit? Yep, I flew from Detroit. What airline? I'm Delta, of course. Yeah, no, I'm a white woman.

1:26:36Come on, I'm not fucking around.

1:26:38Brian Redban:That makes sense. We had to actually fly southwest this weekend to Las Vegas. It's the only airline that flies directly from Vegas to Austin and back. So Red Ban and I, if you're wondering, even though I got chokeslammed by The Undertaker last night, my back mostly hurts because of flying southwest this weekend. So it's absolutely incredible. Not kidding, by the way. Stephanie, so you flew Delta. You landed here. You had fun with your... How many comedians did you come here with? I just came by myself. I had a little meeting thing I had to do and then came here. So I just spent the whole weekend here.

1:27:12Brian Redban:Very cool. Meeting for work? Yeah. Got it. You work at Alcoholics Anonymous? Yeah. No, totally. Totally. Amazing. So since you have been broken up with your husband, you've been out dating? Are you on the sites? What's going on? I've, like, dated a couple guys, but, like, honestly, I'm so busy with my kid. I'm kind of like, and you know what? People are, like, train wreck, you know? So guys don't want to date you. They just want to fuck you, so. How's that going? You know. They don't want to fuck you. They will. You speak for yourself. Why don't you fuck up? I don't know, bro. There was this homeless man outside, and he was trying to get it.

1:27:52Brian Redban:His name is Royal Oates. Okay.

1:27:59I mean, this guy seems to like me. I think he's blind, though. Dude, she's like 120 and svelte. Yeah, totally.

1:28:09Brian Redban:He'll feel it. You can't trick Dee Magnus, by the way. This guy reads that and he'll look at him laughing, like, tell him, Tony, motherfucker. Tell this Jew I ain't stupid. She's a Persian princess. He will wrap his hands around that and be like, what the fuck is this shit? 120. I'm a Hungarian gypsy, not a Persian princess. Oh, my goodness. You were a hungry Hungarian? Yes, yes, yes. Hungry, hungry hippo, yeah. I love it. No, Stephanie, you're great. What's the longest set you've ever done? I did do a 40-minute set once. It was a train wreck, okay? Yeah, I was not ready. But I usually do about 10, 15-minute sets here and there, in Detroit.

1:28:51How long are you in town

1:28:52Brian Redban:for it? Just until tomorrow actually. I stayed for this. There you go. Got lucky. Yep, did. Totally. Got lucky. Well, Stephanie, very fun. I love your style. I love your energy. Congratulations. You did it. Stephanie and everybody. We're having fun tonight. I like this episode.

1:29:20Brian Redban:I love a banjo. Feel free to stay here in America with us. Please. I noticed he didn't banjo when the black guy was up here. What's that? He didn't banjo when the black guy was up here. It's unbelievable. The banjo. How about another hand for Winston Marshall, everybody? Make sure you follow him on social media. Great musician. He's got great takes on the world and stuff, too. A lot of common sense for a musician. And for a person. Can I say, Al? Especially for a musician. I don't know if I can break in here, but I saw him play with Big Jay Ogerson at Bonnaroo, like, I don't know, 10 years ago, 10 years ago.

1:29:58You guys fucking destroyed. Yeah. We all went, like, I don't know, let's check it out, and then we were converted in eight minutes. Yeah. Amazing.

1:30:07Brian Redban:Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Adam Beck-Ariola.

1:30:19I recently met a girl with herpes and well, I think I'm in love. I mean, what are the odds the first woman I talked to in months has aftermarket parts? It was kind of a surreal moment for me, you know, talking to a woman. But I really think she could be the one. I mean, think about if I'm ever losing an argument, I can just pull the herpes card. Oh, sorry we couldn't afford groceries this month, honey. Maybe if you didn't ruin my life by getting pregnant. Oh, and you have herpes, bitch.

1:30:48But you know, I'm really considering getting herpes. Think about it. There's so many beautiful women out there with herpes that no one wants to have sex with. Well, almost no one. Sorry, Red Band. Didn't want to not include you. And I was like, wow, this is what black men must have felt like when they discovered fat white women. You got a whole category for yourself. Thank you. That was my time.

1:31:11Brian Redban:Wow. That was crazy. Grab that microphone. What the hell's going on, Adam? A lot of things, man. A lot of things. How are you handling this herpes girlfriend? Not a girlfriend. You're struggling with it, huh? I got blocked. You got blocked? Yeah, I got blocked. What happened? How did you get blocked? How is that chick with herpes like, fuck this idiot? I don't know, man. She started talking to another guy at the bar. I was like, you know what? He can get it, not me. Yeah. And so I just passed it on. Well, that sounded bad. That sounded bad. I don't actually have herpes. It's just part of the joke.

1:31:46Brian Redban:Whatever. Sure. I swear. So, Adam, how long have you been on stand-up? This is like my first real time. So, yeah. What does that mean exactly to you? First real time. What does that mean? Well, I went to one open mic. It makes chicks laugh. Okay. Sorry. My bad. My bad. Now the question will be answered on the podcast. I listen to your podcast, man. Not cool. Dude, you rule. Okay. So I went to one open mic in Fort Worth, and it was like I could walk butt naked and no one would have seen me. There was no one there. And then, so that was a few weeks ago, and I decided to come down to Kill Tony because I had a Monday off of work.

1:32:23Peyton? Can I give you some pointers? Yes, sir. If you're trying to close drug, knock-knock jokes are... It's the best way you can end. Really? It's one of the most classic styles of comedy. Yeah.

1:32:38Brian Redban:So, Adam, here you are, struggling through a set on the biggest show in the industry. Do you regret the decision or are you looking forward? Is this something you want to do for the rest of your life? How old are you? 23. Okay, so now answer the question from before. No, I don't regret it at all. I think failing will make me better. I love stand-up, but long-term I want to be more like a writer. So I figured if I just get into stand-up, because I want to be a script writer for scripted comedy, and, like, I don't really know anyone in the industry, so I figured if I try doing stand-up, hopefully get myself out there, maybe someone thinks I'm funny, maybe they'll give me a chance to, you know, just get in the writer's room.

1:33:17Louis J.

1:33:18Brian Redban:Gomez. I feel like you're further away from that goal after this set. You set yourself back years just tonight. Yeah, now the people that would have hired you are like, I will never work with that guy. Hell no! Buddy, I gotta tell you, I personally know everyone in the industry. And I can put in a good word for you. Could you hook me up with somebody with herpes? I think you're very funny. Thank you. And for the first time, you were pretty confident, and you were killing it. And I like your honesty and vulnerability, talking about your game plan. Most comics come up here, and they're like, I don't know.

1:33:58And you had, like, you know, all these things. I admire it.

1:34:02Brian Redban:I completely agree with Peyton here. For 23 years old, it's an amazing start. It is kind of always weird to start here, but you're 23 and have a lot of time ahead of you. This is a good time to start Ari Shafir. Was there any thought before you went on stage today of not wearing shorts on a 57-degree day? Well, I live in Fort Worth, and it was sunny there, and, like, I don't check the weather. I just walk out, and I'm like, if I made a bad decision, I'm like, fuck it, I just got to man up. Fuck yeah, dude. How many comics are from Dallas today? Like, Dallas-Fort Worth is, like, half the lineup tonight.

1:34:34Yeah. Sorry, what was that? Never mind. It wasn't about you. It was just an observation for really no reason. It's your first time doing stand-up, and your shirt says, not my first rodeo. Shout out Mike Studd. It indeed is your first rodeo. Yes, sir. Fake it till you make it. That's what that shirt says. Yes, sir.

1:34:54Brian Redban:Adam, before I let you go, tell us one more crazy thing about your life. Do you have any special skills or talents other than, well, anything at all? I mean I could try to trauma dump you know to get some envy but um I don't know what do you have a crazy traumatic thing that happened to you I mean who doesn't I mean my mom recently got canceled how did your mom get canceled I don't know it's kind of impressive to get that done in 2026 but uh go ahead so it's kind of a I'll make a long story short so my birthday was February 1st my grandpa's is February 3rd and I like a tweaker uncle who wanted to plan a birthday for my grandpa he's like 20 years sober and the drugs still mess with him a little bit so he's like schedule a family gathering, get everyone together for my grandpa's birthday.

1:35:36I was like, you know what? My family's a little dysfunctional. I'll fade that and just stay here in Texas instead of going back home. Where's home? California.

1:35:42Brian Redban:Okay, go ahead. And then, so my mom, the family's all there. And she's like, you know what? Screw this. I'll do what any normal person will do with a dysfunctional family. I'll go to the bar at 12 on a Saturday, you know, get a midday fade in. And then... Make the long story shorter. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry. Tell stories like a woman Dude we need more detail They planted these ice protesters Right outside the bar And so obviously my mom has that 2pm fade in After the bar you know cause family drives us all crazy And she's walking out And there's these ice protesters And you're drunk from the bar Of course you're gonna go talk to them And she's talking with them They get in a little bit of arguments You know this little pushing and shoving happens And obviously they're recording it You know the clip fading Uh-huh.

1:36:29Brian Redban:Keep going. And they get in a little, like, argument, a pushing fight, and then they get separated, but they recorded it and send it to my mom's work, and they didn't renew her contract at her job. Type shit. Prostitutes have contracts? Red band? I don't know. You have the answer? Let me tell you, I have a storytelling show myself, so let me tweak that for you a little bit. True. It's called The End, available at re-shapier.com. Tony Hinchcliffe is doing the final story ever done on my show. That's right. My mom was talking to these ICE protesters. And then. Right. All the other stuff. Yeah. You talked about your relatives.

1:37:11They never came back in this. Yep. The bar, none of that matters.

1:37:17Brian Redban:The fact that the birthday is February 1st, 3rd, none of it had anything to do. What was that? The 1st and 3rd? I was like, okay, this is going to pay off. It is his first time. And it's good for him to learn. Mr. X-Central. I like writing, so I just like oversharing, I guess. It was a tweaker uncle. It was a grandpa. It was a whole cast of characters that never reappeared in the story. Now, this takes place in a city I call... You know what that sounds like to me, though? A future TV writer. That's true. He's got characters. He's got an arc. He don't know where he's going with it yet. but at the end of that episode we will find out why that chicken crossed the road.

1:37:57Brian Redban:That is true. Here's a little something for you to start writing and there's a medium joke book for Adam Areola, ladies and gentlemen. Keeping it moving. Here we go, there he goes. Put me in a show. For real, put me in a show. Your next bucket pool. Ooh, it's a show with, oh that's Keegan. This is Keenan. Make some noise for Keenan Womack everybody.

1:38:26What's up, guys? I'm Kenan. I'm from a military family. I'm very proud of that. My cousin is actually overseas right now. Yeah, he joined ISIS. Yeah, now he's a viral star. You can find all his stuff on LiveLeak. I hear a lot of stories about students and teachers having inappropriate relationships, and I'm not going to lie, when I hear that, I get a little bit jealous. You know, I think back, you know, I was a handsome guy. Why couldn't that have happened for me when I was a teacher?

1:38:58You guys seen Crazy Rich Asians? Anybody seen that? Yeah, they're making a sequel. It's called Crazy Poor Asians. It's about Filipinos.

1:39:12They're also making a movie about Hunter Biden. It's called White Lines Matter.

1:39:20Brian Redban:Yeah. That's all I got. There you go. Kenan Womack. Some funny jokes in there. How long have you been doing stand-up, Kenan? About three years. Where at? I just did a show at Shakespeare's Next Door on Thursday. It was a lot of fun. No, I mean like the whole three years here in Austin. Oh, yeah, in Austin, yeah. Sorry, I'm not very good at answering questions. Well, that's just going to go super smoothly then. Yeah, for sure. What do you do for work? I'm in sales. What are you selling? uh well if i told you that am i getting some trouble no i'm selling tech it sounds cooler if you say you're selling drugs though i feel like that's a lot more interesting yeah yeah you're a funny guy how old are you i'm 32 32 yeah what made you start stand-up three years ago uh well so i actually started in high school in dallas i started as an 18 year old and then i got drunk for 12 years and then i stopped drinking and then i started doing stand-up wow so yeah you started at 22 and have been drunk ever since.

1:40:15Yeah. Well, I actually got five years sober last weekend. Oh, congratulations. Don't clap too much. Saturday's my cheat day, of course.

1:40:28Brian Redban:Amazing, Kenan. Do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? Yeah, I can rip a drum set. Are you serious? Are you dead serious? Are you fucking with me? I'm going to be so pissed if you're fucking with me. How long have you been playing drums for? Like, since I was 12. No way. Are you serious? I've played in more bands and done more shows music than I've done stand-up. If only we had a fucking drum set here! And if only we had a running historical part of the show called a Mexican drum-off. I don't know if you guys know how it works. Looks like some people dragged their liberal girlfriends out with them tonight.

1:41:08Brian Redban:So let me explain how this goes. Historically on this show, if a comedian knows how to play the drums, they get to have a drum solo competition with the resident drummer. All time, every resident drummer has won this competition. But if, if, if Keenan wins this, the rule, the house rule, is that he would become the full-time drummer here on Kill Tony, and that Michael Gonzalez would have to go into tech sales. That's the big twist. They have to trade jobs, literally. Tony, I gotta give a warning for the audience here. For all the women in here, you're about to gush wet. It's simple. I think you know how it works, right, Keenan?

1:41:54Brian Redban:You've got a napkin at your table. Apply it now. And if you get too wet, remember, just look back at Ari Shafir and suck it back in. Wait, wait, wait. I'm supposed to cue it. Okay, whatever, go ahead. This is a Mexican drum.

1:42:28Brian Redban:Alright. Pretty good. Pretty good. Unimpressed. Yeah, I would have gone a little crazier playing since 12. I would have really, like, built it up a little bit, told a story there. That was just kind of... Hold on, this blonde bimbo really wants to say something. Let's hear from this... Let's hear from Hulk Hogan's ex-wife for a second. What? What are you saying? Oh, hell yeah. This bitch has been pounding Miller Lights. There are six empty Miller Lights on this table. I love it. She's wearing a Kill Tony shirt. The other guy's got a Buckeyes. I never made the connection that Buckeyes and Buckeyes are that close.

1:43:13Brian Redban:It's probably a brand deal. That bouncer just told you something your boyfriend never would. Shut up. Yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne. I mean, if the drumsticks break or something amazing, he could lose this thing. This is Michael Gonzalez.

1:44:01Man, that was a close one.

1:44:09Brian Redban:Well, the craziest part of this competition, historically, is that the audience decides. Make some noise if you have Kenan Womack winning that competition. Throw that guy out. Whoever the fuck clapped, Mossad agent, throw him out.

1:44:30Brian Redban:And how many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? There you go. But, Keenan, good news. You're a very funny man, so you're leaving with a big joke book. You got that. There goes Keenan Womack, everybody. Funny man. All right. We're keeping it moving along here. We're going to go a little long tonight. Is that all right with you guys? All right. Your next bucket bowl, very interesting name. This should be interesting. They're definitely covering up their real identity, so we'll see what happens here. Make some noise for PHX98, everybody. Fucking life in place. Here we go.

1:45:15Hey, Tony. I heard you were gay, Tony. No GTA, Tony. I'm like, no way. Tony? Anyways, Tony, you fuck with raves, Tony? No, bro, you fuck with raves, Tony? Shit, Tony. I think you my twin, Tony. You looking kinda thin, Tony. Shit. Bring that shit in, Tony? Damn. Damn, Tony. I've been hitting squats 50 times every time I wake up. Working on my ass, Tony. So let me ask, Tony. You fuck with raves, Tony?

1:46:08Oh, that's my minute. Man, they really do not like people mentioning Tony.

1:46:13Brian Redban:I mean, it's kind of nuts. Have you ever seen the show before or anything? Like three times. And then what made you want to do this here? Fuck it. My friend said do it. Fuck it. Okay. Hang on, I think I know what can help that set. Sir, grab the microphone one more time. Exact same thing, okay?

1:46:40Brian Redban:I don't think it would really help. He didn't even rhyme, he just kept saying Tony. Not the word before, right? Tony with Tony. It's Boney. It's Coney. I mean... Or Tony. Boney? What's the name again? I'm sorry. Oh, me. P-H-X-98. Is that the number above your cell or something? Yeah.

1:47:03Are you a rapper? Yes, unfortunately. Why do you keep on doing this?

1:47:09Brian Redban:Oh, it's the distance from the mic. There you go. All right, everybody. Okay, there you go. You bummed everyone out. You walked a guy. That guy's leaving to kill himself right now, dude. That guy's going to commit suicide because of what you just did up here. gonna hang yourself in the most beautiful paper bathroom in the world. PHX98, let's just jump into it. You ever done stand-up before? I have not, no. Have you ever done anything on stage before? Rap. That's about it. Do you really rap? I for real rap, yeah. Really? Yes. Where the fuck is our drummer at? Right here. Right fucking here. I mean, it's like, what are you doing?

1:47:46What?

1:47:48Brian Redban:Okay. Well, I'm glad you're back. It's a real professional show when everybody goes pee fucking eight times an episode. All right, I want to see if you can fucking do anything, because I don't think you can do anything. That's the gut instinct that I'm having. Even though this fucking whole thing that you just did sucks, I'm still going to give you a chance to wrap for a second, and then we'll decide whether we fucking edit you out of the entire episode. Because I can't have people thinking they can just be a complete piece of shit that just doesn't prepare anything funny for the minute and then does this a little bit lighter because you guys are very loud so there you go don't jump that ship when you see you inside one bitches want to flip like a brick no outcome outcome truth when the end come you but what they finna do when the code let loose peter piper picked a couple peppers on the way demons fighting why the legion gonna lead the way look i won't get sprayed from a verse slash agent i can use flows that i heard replace it face it i can make words More fragrant, face it, like a J Susie, blaze it, hate it.

1:48:54I would never fake shit, bruh. Bars got clever when the kid woke up. Bars got clever from the neo-jump. Heart got severed when my bitch fucked up. Street punk trying to ride away, smile for the TikTok. Ho got laid, find the pussy on the TikTok. Wrist watching.

1:49:09Brian Redban:All right, I'm going to stop you there. I'm going to stop you there. Nah, I was feeling that shit, though. I got some feedback. Yes. Peyton, Peyton, Peyton. I get it. Peyton liked it because he thought it was a crunch wrap. Hell yeah. I got to say, your brother, Sir John, is way funnier, man. I got to say. Can you just eyeball the spacing, or do you have to do this? Like, maybe this, and then go, got it?

1:49:45Brian Redban:Imagine if you did that, you'd have to use your whole arm. Yeah, that's about right. That's about right, yeah. PHX98, there you go. Oh, wait, what the fuck? Fuck you, man. Put the mic in the mic stand, PHX98. Yes. There you go. There he goes, PHX98. One more time. There you go. Thank you. You're welcome. Tony, you made him leave like someone who got fired at a high-level business. Yeah. That was so cool. Were you like, I'll put that mic in the mic stand? Can I talk to you over here for a second? That was so... You just offset any problems there? That's a criminal that you're like, won't be today.

1:50:27Yeah, that was nuts.

1:50:29Brian Redban:It's crazy. He really did. Go ahead and clock out for me if you could. People watching at home, please don't sign up for this show without preparing a minute. It's like a psychotic thing to do. And I don't respond to you during your one-minute-long set. so if you're asking me questions like, do you like raves? I will not answer. And the entire panel has been instructed to not respond or interrupt the minute either, so you can't really play off them. You have to really try on this show just for a minute. He tried with a handshake, but he left it way over there? He was like, yo, what's up? No? Okay.

1:51:06Alright. Anyway, Tony, I've been having a good time, Tony. This has been a fun show so far, Tony.

1:51:12Brian Redban:We have another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for We know this young lady, comedy store door girl, buried funny person. Make some noise for Miranda Meadows, everybody. Miranda Meadows.

1:51:29When I finger my girlfriend...

1:51:37on her period... Dude, my finger goes in like this, and it comes out like this.

1:51:54And when I'm done with her, she'll be creep walking away.

1:52:03When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares and I'd pee the bed. And recently, I found out I'm a squirter.

1:52:13so I think back to those times I had nightmares and I'd pee the bed and I realized oh I was just sleeping next to my uncle the uncle that molested me taught me a lot he taught me how to roll my r's so that when I got older I could say rape

1:52:40I was molested in the state of Michigan. He touched me here. I've been Miranda Meadows.

1:52:48Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, Miranda Meadows. We know Miranda. She's like a distant little sister to us over there at the comedy store, holding it down. Great energy's always there. And on stage, Luis J. Gomez. Yeah, Miranda, you remind me of my niece, which is kind of ironic. Wait, wait, wait. I would much rather you have molested me than my ugly-ass uncle. Love it. Miranda, remind us all, how long you been doing stand-up again? On the 25th, it'll be eight years. Eight? Yeah. Hell yeah. Always fun. A true... You still working the door at the store? Yep. Nice. You ever wear that red vest I left you? Yes, when it's cold.

1:53:34I wish I brought it here. I packed horribly for this trip.

1:53:38Brian Redban:It happens. This weather here is very wonky. Somehow it was 100 degrees in January and cold and rainy right now. Very bizarre. For those of you that care about the weather here in Texas. Bullies, it's hot out here. Ari certainly cares about the weather. He controls it. Yeah, fuck you, Ari! Why would you do this to us, Ari? I said it was too hot. I don't know.

1:54:05I want to make sure everybody came inside for the shows. Miranda, you work the door still. Yeah. You know, you're the, I guess me, you, Tony, we've all done the same job. Oh, that's cool. Are there any, uh... I'm the only one that can find the clit out of all of us.

1:54:22Brian Redban:Whoa! How dare you. It's right there. It's right there between the balls and the penis. We know where it is. That's the part they really like.

1:54:40Brian Redban:Miranda, what else is going on in life? You know, big balling, scissoring it up, fucking bitches getting money. How long you had this girlfriend for? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Now, normally, lesbian relationships don't last that long. I know. What is your trick to keeping everything steady? Happy? You've been with her two and a half years, so I'm guessing you've lived together for three years. No, she doesn't want to live with me yet. Oh, wow. Why do you think that is? Probably because I'm too good at the bedroom. I don't know. Or because you dress like a conductor on a fucking train.

1:55:17I'm dressed like the best pussy eater in Auschwitz, god damn it. Oh, yeah. No, they weren't eating much over there. I'll tell you that. Exactly why I do eat pussy.

1:55:28Brian Redban:Dressed like that, you clearly don't eat pussy. You also chew chew. All the live long day.

1:55:38Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Do you really scissor? Is that a real thing? I find it to be so strange. One of the fucking funniest things in all of any sex. They might be funnier than anything gay dudes do. but I mean like bouncing your pussies off of each other it's really fucking hard honestly at the end of it my knee just ends up up there and it's really hard it doesn't feel good and when it does it's two seconds and it's over. Give us a real ballpark of how many a ballpark of how many times a year if you had to guess that you guys bounce your pussies off of each other. I have to know because it's just hilarious Honestly not this year we haven't this year.

1:56:18Last year a few times.

1:56:19Brian Redban:Business was booming last year. Business was booming. What's their norm? A 69 in? Uh, I mean, we call it 45 and a half, but it's just sucking each other's tits. Girls can't really 69, can they? It's a little bit of a neck crank. Ugh. Right. It seems like it's possible almost. It seems like one would be kind of, you would have to like loop your arms back and one would be like kind of up in the air. Just set your legs down on the back of her head. Yeah, it's almost like a, it's almost like a Scott's, it's like the Steiner recliner from Scott Steiner, the brother of Rick Steiner, the father of Bron Breaker.

1:56:56Do either of you have like extended labia so you could stretch it out?

1:56:59Brian Redban:Oh, good question. Brian, that's a good question. That is over the line. That's a good question. Classified information. That is a crazy question to ask, and it's disrespectful to women on this show. Do any of you have extended labia? I mean, it's probably easier 69ing as two men. You'd probably know a lot about this, Tony. Absolutely. No, it's true. It's very true. 69ing with two men works depending on the height of the other man. Okay. If you had to guess how many toys you have between the two of you, I always find that intriguing about true lesbians as well because it takes so many things to replace one penis.

1:57:34Brian Redban:I'm interested to hear... I'm interested to hear how many toys... Yeah, you want to take a guess? I'm going to guess 14. Oh. I'm going to guess one train set.

1:57:49It is one, and it is a nicely-sized green dildo so we can see in the dark. Ooh. I imagine at night when you guys go to bed, it comes alive like Toy Story. It's just like, fuck. me.

1:58:04Brian Redban:Literally.

1:58:07Brian Redban:Is it two-sided? It's just a one-sided dildo? You guys ever do a two-sided dildo like on a Requiem for a Dreamer? No, that shit scares me. Right. Because you can't feel it either way. I mean, wait, wait, wait, when it's... What? Okay, wait. No, I've had sex before, guys. I swear, I swear. I'm bisexual, if you believe it or not. No, I've never done a two-sided dildo. Miranda, have you ever had sex with... Do you ever have, like, a threesome with another person who's going to hell?

1:58:44Brian Redban:Because if not, Ari's happy to join you and your girlfriend. I've heard about sex, but I... Can you teach? I have seen Ari's dick before while he's on stage, and I will say it's perfect size. It's also green, like your favorite dildo. I just said that would go away in its own. Amazing. Miranda, you have the energy like you should have a slingshot and a frog in your pocket. Yeah, you're a real Bart Simpson type personality over here. I'll paint your fence for your apple core. Instead of eat my shorts, you're like, eat my pussy.

1:59:23Brian Redban:Miranda, you are just fantastic. We love your energy. Great jokes. my favorite appearance on your show on this show so far in the history of it. You're just great. We love you. And we will see you when we come to Los Angeles for the Dome in just a couple short weeks. And we love you. Here's a big joke book just for fun. There you go. Thank you for your first time on Kill Tony. Let's go! Hell yeah. She may be gay but she catches like a girl.

1:59:56Brian Redban:You know what? I'm gonna bring somebody out who specializes in eating pussy, believe it or not, because he can do it. Wow. They're both standing up. Ladies and gentlemen, just here to say hello, an old friend of the show, former panelist who's just swinging by in town, makes some fucking noise for one of your favorite stars from the hit movie Jackass. And the new Jackass is coming out June 26th. jackass the best and last ladies and gentlemen just to say hello make some fucking noise for

2:00:41what's up brother how you doing tony welcome welcome how you doing red man we man this is not preston lacy this is preston lacy and ice child oh my god it's just that last double-sided dildo. You're huge. Yeah, but I'm not green. No, no. You're not 160, by the way. Yeah, well, you're 160 centimeters, buddy. This way. Yeah. I love this. By the way, lesbian 69 is L7. Oh. L7. I like that.

2:01:24Brian Redban:Wee Man, welcome back to the Kill Tony universe. We've missed you. You've been out in L.A. We accidentally abandoned everybody out there. You did. Yeah. It's all right. You abandoned your favorite neighbor, too, and he's sad. Absolutely, yeah. The great Rick Kosick, one of the more famous, the famous cameraman for all the Jackass movies. And I were extremely close to next-door neighbors for a long time. We had a very home-improvement-like relationship. his head would come up to my fence and I would be out there obviously chain smoking and writing and whatnot. And we would talk every day. We'd go to the farmer's market, we all would.

2:02:02Brian Redban:Get some chili cheese steaks. Tony, you're not gay at all. I think you're not. If you saw Rick Kosick, you would know it was not a sexual relationship. Come on. Oh, yeah, I would totally fuck Rick. Absolutely. I've seen that guy barf on film more than anyone in the world. It's hilarious. And we love Rick. We're all very good friends with him. Wee Man, this movie's coming out June 26th. I've heard so many great things about it. We all know that I am a massive fan. I've always said there's only two funny things left in this world, and that is Jackass and South Park. We are so excited. So excited to see it.

2:02:47Brian Redban:How do you feel about what you guys got on film? It's actually really, really good. This time we went, right away in the beginning, we went and shot for five days. That's it. We got 40 minutes. That's over half the movie in five days. Usually we take like six months and we take breaks. And Knox is like, well, now that we're working at this speed, who knows what's next? Yeah. Yeah. No, it's going to be a fucking good one. And we went viral on Friday. because we blew up the back of Simi Valley. And there was like a family park, and everybody's like, oh, shit, there was two explosions. And, okay, we're going to hear helicopters soon.

2:03:28And all of a sudden, it was nothing because we had all the cops and fire department. They all knew we were going to blow shit up. Jackass started the fire in Los Angeles. And they were like, hey, this is Jackass, and we're destroying Pasadena.

2:03:45Brian Redban:fucking amazing we man what else is going on in life anything else crazy we should know about nothing crazy I just got an old Canon Elon film camera and I started taking shots and I have a photo show coming up nothing better than low angle photos oh yeah double chin on everybody that's a GoPro he's like Again, this one is a shot of ankles, and this one is a shot of ankles as well. Who got the most PTSD this year? What's that? Who got the most PTSD this year? Dave England. He shoved his finger into Zach's ass, and he tore his middle finger. He tore the tendon right here. In a butt? What? In a butt?

2:04:31In. Straight in, tore his tendon. And he didn't realize it at first. We did this whole crazy bit, and then he went, and he goes, dude i can't move my finger guys so he goes to the doctors and we're like yes and we're like did you tell him what out he goes yeah i told him and the assistant i shoved my finger up a dude's ass and broke it and my first thought was the doctor's wife that night was like so honey how was work

2:04:59Brian Redban:oh wait till you hear this one i am hard as a rock right now you know that dude that dude is like He's now going around Hollywood going, I literally have the tightest ass in LA. Where can people see that photo show that you're doing? It's at a small little venue called House of Danger in Costa Mesa. May 2nd. Nice. It's going to be fun. Awesome. Drinks and burgers and low angle photos. We love you, we man. Jackass, the best and last it's called. Comes out June 26th. You guys know what to do. Go have fun. Smoke some pot and go watch a fucking funny-ass undeniable movie. A lot of our friends and former guests of the show, of course, are part of the cast.

2:05:47Brian Redban:Basically, everybody, I think everybody's been on it except for Knoxville, who was almost on it, but lost him. We had some crazy stuff going on that day. Had a little gig in Madison Square Garden the night before. A little something happened. We don't worry about that, though. It's all behind us. Okay. I mean, guys, what a fucking episode we've had. And there's only one way to end an episode like this. And believe it or not, it's probably not how you think. William Montgomery is going through it. Ari Maddy is doing extra sold out shows. And Timmy No Breaks is recovering from a big fall at WrestleMania, which is available now, obviously, on Netflix.

2:06:34Brian Redban:Kill Tony Mania went live. Yeah, go watch it. But, ladies and gentlemen, I promise you when I tell you that one of the most amazing regulars with the most potential and only a couple appearances under his belt is waiting right behind that curtain, he will be, if he's not already, one of your favorite comedians in the world. Make some noise for the future, everybody. This is a new set from Pat O 'Neill, everybody.

2:07:06Folks, started doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate. You guys have heard about this, the cinnamon challenge. Fun times.

2:07:26Last time I did that I was watching some midget porn. At least I hope.

2:07:36Got a big porn crowd here? All right, most of you are either Amish or liars. It's fine, though.

2:07:44Brian Redban:Watching too much of that stuff growing up, I think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women, you know? Like, thinking lesbians would be pretty. Rarely the case. I dated a Jewish girl once, ended up being a lesbian. The old Double Ike.

2:08:11Poor to the LGBT Jew.

2:08:14Brian Redban:You know, the ancient Jews, as legend has it, they saw Jesus Christ at the Last Supper, picking up the tab for 12 other dudes, and were like, he must be God. We have to kill him. Okay, thank you.

2:08:35Brian Redban:Unbelievable. I mean, he does this. This is what he does. That's clearly the fucking set of the night. The hardest-hitting jokes. Totally almost made me take a spit take. I thought I could take a full sip of water while he was coming out, and the folks got me real good. Right for your... Folks! You just have the beats, man. Let's check in with Luis J. Gomez. First of all, you are very funny. That's unique and funny, great jokes, but you do look like Pennywise in high school.

2:09:10Brian Redban:Pennywise is also what Ari Shaffir calls his pocket. He's filled with pennies that he finds on 6th Street. So many out there. I'm the snake guy. No one's looking at him. I'm picking up pennies right behind him. Dude, you have the most hair of a bald person I've ever seen in my life.

2:09:34You have a black widow's peak. All right, let's have the third person tell me how ugly I am. Peyton? It's not about how ugly you are. I'm just surprised how funny you are when you spend most of your time trying to reanimate dead flesh at your house. You're like fucking Dr. Frankenstein, dude. Your bedroom's just full of, like, you know, like, bubbling tubes and shit. Yeah, yeah, kill ladies. Yeah, I'm calling you a psychopath, yeah. You get it?

2:10:09Brian Redban:Pat O 'Neill, you are so fucking funny. That rules. Thank you, Tony. Crazy question, but what's your writing process? Is it daytime, nighttime, at a desk? Does it come to you and you write it on your phone? Is it in the shower? Is it driving? Yeah, just, like, all day. Yeah. Shower and driving, a lot happens. Lay down in an open grave and wait till it comes to you? I feel like he writes all of his jokes by clipping out letters from magazines and newspapers.

2:10:43Yeah, there's a great spot I go to write. I fly on in, I hang upside down by my feet. God damn it!

2:10:53Brian Redban:Pat O 'Neill, I cannot stress enough how funny I think you are and how excited I am for you to be a full-time regular on this show. You did it again, buddy. You're amazing. Don't change a fucking thing. Want to do it? So, Pat, you're fucking great, dude, and we just announced that Skankfest tickets are on sale today. How would you like to come to Skankfest? Let me just break in right now and say that I am inviting you myself to Skankfest. I'm me. I disappear. You know what? I would like to have you on the secret show this time.

2:11:32All expense paid trip. There's a suite that some f***ing name Dave Smith not using. You can have that. I want you at Skankfest. To be honest with you, Peyton, are you coming to Skankfest this year? I was planning... You know... Peyton, let me be the first one. I invited you to Skankfest. You are now a proud member of Skankfest. You're there. I was going to... I didn't get in last year, and then this year... Yeah, can you believe it?

2:12:01No, I'm going to be in D.C. at the time. You're going to be in D.C.? Yeah. Doing shows? Yes. Cancel the fucking weekend. Come party at Skankfest. When are you doing, dude? All right, all right, all right. Just ask for a week later. It's so early enough. D.C., it's a shithole. Okay, all right.

2:12:17Brian Redban:Alright, Peyton Ruddy's gonna be at Skankfest and Pat O 'Neill's gonna be at Skankfest and the rest of us are gonna be at Skankfest believe it or not everybody How about one more time for the great Pat O 'Neill everybody your soon to be favorite comic if he's not already. Make some noise for the great Louis J. Gomez everybody Skankfest.com for the final tickets to Skankfest There's not gonna be a Kill Tony just to make it clear however, we're all doing stand up and everybody shows, story wars, all the fun stuff. Well, it's the 10th anniversary. You never know what could happen, Tony. Well, I do know what can happen.

2:12:51Brian Redban:What did happen in the last time you did Kill Tony on Skank Fest? What did happen? You took a shit on the stage. Anything could and will happen at Skank Fest, Kill Tony. Anything can happen. I'd like to guarantee right now Kill Tony will happen at Skank Fest. It's definitely not. You heard it here first. Kill Tony is happening at Skank Fest. You know what? There's going to be two Kill Tonys at Skankfest. Two Kill Tonys at Skankfest. Yeah. Definitely not. However, there will be a Kill Tonys at Madison Square Garden on August 7th and August 8th. The Intuit Dome in Los Angeles and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve.

2:13:33Brian Redban:Minor arenas. You need to do it in a 130-seat room at Skankfest. 130 would be, I think, an upgrade compared to the rooms that we've done before. One more time for the great Ari Shafir, everybody. The end. The storytelling super series is available now. Go to ari-shafir.com. Guys, boy, oh boy. What a first episode. Perhaps one of my favorite first-time panelists of all time. I fucking knew it. Make some noise for Peyton Roddy, everybody. I'm telling you, this guy's a fucking freak of nature. Follow him on Instagram at PeytonReadyComedy. That's R-U-D-D-Y. And go see him live. Go to PeytonReadyLive.com.

2:14:22Brian Redban:His tour, my best work, is happening now. Thank you. The DC show is being rescheduled as we speak. That's right. Thank you to our sponsors, Shopify, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter for this episode. One more time for Winston Marshall on the banjo joining us, everybody. I love the fact that some of the best musicians in the world join us sometimes randomly on this show. It's so awesome. So crazy. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Just for shits. Oh, Shane Gillis. That guy's on my storytelling show at the end. He's also on the storytelling show available at AriShaffir.com. And he'll also be at Skankfest, Skankfest.com.

2:15:03Brian Redban:Red Band. You know, Peyton used to work at the Sunset Strip. And I'm so happy for you, Peyton. And when you left Sunset, it made me really depressed. But you can check out sunsetstripatx.com and find the next Peyton. It is true. A lot of people asked me to do panel on this show. And when Peyton asked me, there was no hesitation whatsoever. Even as after that, Louis said he's coming in town and Ari said he's coming in town. I said I wanted to keep it three people because I knew Peyton would crush. One more time for the debut of Peyton Rodney to the Kill Tony universe. We did it again. Go watch Kill Tony Mania on Netflix.

2:15:43Brian Redban:And come see us live in New York, L.A., everywhere. And life goes on. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

2:16:18Thank you.

2:16:48Outro Music

2:17:09Thank you.

2:18:07Brian Redban:We'll see you next time. Mission Street in South Pasadena or learn more at burdenofproofna.com. Burden of Proof, never a day wasted.