#769 - MAT EDGAR + CHRIS O'CONNOR

20:38Brian Redban:How long you been doing stand-up, Ivy? About three months now. Perfect. I was glad after you said three, I was happy to hear months. I also would have accepted weeks and days as a possible answer. Months is good. Thank God for that. What made you want to start stand-up three months ago? It terrifies me. I just wanted to scare myself and face my fears. I love it. That's fun. What have you been doing your whole life? What else have you been doing? I lifeguard, and that's... Thread band. Come on. Be a professional here. You're a lifeguard? Is that what you've been doing most of your life? Yes. How many lives have you saved?

21:20Quite a bit. It gets quite busy.

21:22Brian Redban:Okay. If you had to guess what the ethnicity is, what the percentage of ethnicities is of the people that you have to save realistically. Latino. Really? Yes. Wow. Sink like rocks. Oh, my goodness gracious. I did not know that. They just go. I can't. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. No, they just swim with all their clothes on. Oh, my goodness, they do, and it weighs them down. It's not them. It's the clothes. Unbelievable. Is this true, you guys? Let's check in with our... Oh, no. They're disagreeing over here. These guys are, as you can tell, they're all aerodynamically built to swim properly. Aerodynamic, if you will.

22:08Brian Redban:Incredible. So you've saved a lot of lives. Any close calls? Was someone, like, kind of basically dead? Yes. Give them mouth-to-mouth like windy peppercorn in the sandlot, and all of a sudden they're just hard as a rock and alive? Yes. Perfect. Very good. Red Band's about to be faking and drowning in San Diego next week. Oh, no, I sank to the bottom. He does swim with all of his clothes on, by the way, so... No doubt about it. Red Band hasn't taken off a shirt outside of his apartment in years. I love it Ivy what's your love life like you got a man I'm recently single ooh how long was that

22:53Brian Redban:you are out of control tonight I told you to start jerking off before the shows you're a little wild animal have a Zippix toothpick relax zip more smoke less okay how long was the relationship that you were in six months Six months, okay. And why are you recently single? How did it end? Why didn't it work out? What do you think happened there? There was a mismatch in the drive department. Drive department. Sex drive. Like motivation, just in general. And I think... Even I pulled a red band on that one. Even I was like, drive, sex drive. Distance. Right. He didn't live in San Diego? No, he lived in Europe.

23:39Brian Redban:Oh, well, that'll do it. Yeah. What part of Europe? Portugal. Oh, okay. Europe, San Diego. Yeah. Yeah. And where'd you meet this guy, San Diego? Portugal. You were in Portugal. Yeah. How long were you in Portugal for? I live in Portugal half the year. Why do you live in Portugal half the year? For the surf and lifeguarding. Oh, okay. So how long have you been surfing? Your whole life? Yes. Wow. So you're just a real beach bum. That's your thing. Interesting. What's Portugal has good waves? Yes. Yeah, in the summer, and then it gets massive. So I just like the summer. What are the Portuguese people like?

24:22They're lovely.

24:23Brian Redban:What's the stereotype about them? Strangely, I'm a master of the racist arts, and I don't know how I would make fun of a Portuguese. Sounds like they're lazy. Stubborn. Are they? Really stubborn. Wow. Just, I appreciate it because things stay the same, but they like things the way they are. Right. Do you speak Portuguese? No, I'm working on it. Wow. So you just go there and you're just like this American bimbo that's just out. Yeah. Wow. Amazing, Ivy. What else? What do you do for fun other than water sports? Well, I like to snowboard. I surf and snowboard a lot. Okay. And I like to, I'm really into journaling and like self-work.

25:10Brian Redban:I hate your life. I hate your life so much. It's the worst life I've ever heard. Yeah, it doesn't sound so good. And you want to get into comedy? Your life's great. Yeah. The fuck are you doing? You're living an endless summer. Surfing and lifeguarding. Stay away. It's true. I've never heard of an energy drink that sounds like Slater or Jake. Did you, like, mess that up? Was Jake planned? Well, you know, I thought the Slater. Yeah, I don't know. You don't know? Well, the Slater, it just sounds like they've all got X's and Z's and Zephyr and Chim Chim. You know, it just, like, keeps going. But there's, like, so many Jakes.

25:58Brian Redban:in your world I think there's a lot of Jakes like a picture what's up my name's Drake what's your name

26:09Brian Redban:alright Ivy fun times here's a little joke book you got the first bucket pool you are the first bucket pool of the night thank you keep doing it if you love it I mean you got a lot of work to do Ivy thank you you're about as funny as a fucking plastic cup but chase your dreams. I love you. Red Band. You can't say things like that.

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28:27Brian Redban:Tekovas, point your toes west. Okay, we're going to keep it moving along. Your second bucket pull of the night on a show in which clearly anything can happen and no one is too underqualified to sign up. Make some noise for BK, everyone. Here we go.

28:48Thank you. So being Middle Eastern, I realized my childhood was very different from my white friends. So for instance, during summer breaks, my white friends' parents would send them to summer camp. My parents would send me to refugee camp.

29:09They learned new things like horseback riding. I learned how to ride the village donkey. I was so mad the camel was gone, though. My friends would brag about how many friends they made. They were like, oh, I got all these pen pals. I'm going to write letters. I was so sad I didn't meet a single friend. But I did meet like 85 cousins. That was just on my mom's side, though. I still have to write checks to them every summer. My last friend, though, he was so excited. he met the girl of his dreams and he had his first kiss i also met a girl she was my first cousin go ahead finish it go ahead what the girl of my mother's dreams okay yeah there was enough

30:08Brian Redban:bk what is going on you're about as funny as a uh san diego lifeguard holy Holy shit, dude. How long you been doing stand-up? I started in 2008. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. 18 years? You been doing this long enough that your career could buy a pack of cigarettes? Yeah. Well, I had to take a break. Please tell me it was a 17-year break. Yeah, it was. I had a stroke. Really? Yeah. Okay, I could kind of see that. What happened? How long ago was the stroke? Yeah, I lost my speech and language. Uh-huh. And, you know, it was about like a year for recovery. And then... Do you know what caused the stroke?

30:51Brian Redban:What was going on? What were you doing? Just hanging out, talking to my friend, getting ready for a show. And then God was like, you know what? You ain't doing that show tonight. Wow. God saved that audience. Yep. Holy shit. Look at... God works in mysterious ways, people. One man's stroke is another man's joke. You know what I mean? Incredible. So how long ago did the stroke happen? 2010. Right. Okay. And all of a sudden, what? Your face, half your face went numb or your hand or what? No, like my arm went numb. And I just was like, you know, what? And then 30 seconds later, it came back to life.

31:33But I was like trying to say like, like, holy crap, whatever this happened. I was just like.

31:40Brian Redban:Oh, fuck. You turned into Red Band. Amazing. It's absolutely incredible. Do you smoke? Did you smoke? No, I should have, though. Yeah. You might as well have. When did you start speaking again? It took about, like, a month for, like, annunciation. Yeah. Again, hoping it was way longer. No, it really sucked, but, like, I remember the doctor, Nigerian doctor, he's like, Mr. Khalil, did you do any drugs? I'm like, no, because my mom was there. So even if I did, I would be like, no. Where did this happen at? Why did you have a Nigerian doctor? Did you not have insurance? What's going on here? No, I grew up in the ghetto, Patterson, New Jersey.

32:26Okay. Yeah.

32:27Brian Redban:All right. And your doctor was Nigerian. What was that like? He was an ER doctor, but then I got the white doctor after. Oh, okay. Like to do the heart surgery. All right. The Jewish. They escalated it. Yeah. I don't know. Amazing. Okay. So recovery's been good. What's your life like now? What do you do for work? So I was just working in IT at a big fintech company. Got laid off Wednesday. You got laid off? Yeah. How long were you with them? Eight years. Eight years and randomly laid off out of nowhere. Yeah. Wow. So what are you planning on doing? That's so interesting. You're at a monumental moment in your life.

33:09Trying to get back into comedy, yeah.

33:11Brian Redban:Okay. What else? What's a second option here? Yeah, second option. Trying to figure out what else we could possibly do. Maybe music or get back into music. What did you do musically? I used to be a front man for a band, write original songs and stuff. Okay. Can we hear an example of an original song? You tell the band a ballpark of what to do. I play guitar, though. These guys, yeah. I mean, we want to hear you sing. we have a great guitarist here that can do whatever you want. Is it a, what is it? A D into a G? D-A-B D-A-B D-B Oh, he's having another stroke, everybody. D-B-A-G like like standard punk music, yeah.

33:59It's called Better Off Dead.

34:00Brian Redban:Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen the strokes, everybody. It starts at D. The strokes. It's like, I used to ride my skateboard down your street every day, but you know. Come on, lose yourself in it, damn it. All right, all right. I used to ride my skateboard down your street every day. But now when I see you, you just turn the other way. We used to call me on the phone every single night. But now when I see you, you just end up in a fight. And everything you said stuck in my head. For sure I never met, I'm better off dead. Wow! All right, all right, all right. I'm better off dead. I agree. I do think you're better off dead.

34:59Brian Redban:BK, this is amazing, dude. After seeing you do comedy, it's very clear. and after seeing you do music that you should be getting another job in IT. This is absolutely amazing. Are you guys hiring? No. All right. Fuck. You have a good sense of humor, though. You're rolling with everything good. You love doing comedy? I love it. And how long have you lived in Austin? Eight years. Wow. Eight years. Amazing. What do you love about Austin? The scene, the music scene. You have a girlfriend? I got a wife, 12 years. Oh, nice. So she's stuck by you through the stroke and everything? No. That was before.

35:42Brian Redban:That was before. Okay. Yeah. Wow. What does she do? She's a housewife, baby mama. Okay. Yeah. All right. What did she say when you got laid off? What's going on at the house right now? Are tensions high? No, she's actually in Egypt right now. She left. When did she leave? Thursday? Yeah, Friday. Wow, really? Was that a planned trip? It was planned. Okay. What is she doing in Egypt? Her family's from Gaza. Oh, perfect. She's seeing... What could possibly go wrong? So, yeah. Try to sneak back in. In Egypt. I was going to say, you're bombing here, she's bombing. Yeah. I don't know. You guys are meant to be...

36:33Brian Redban:Yes. You know life's rough with BK when she's like, I'm gonna head off to Gaza for a little bit. She's like, good luck. No, she was very supportive, though. She's like, I've been with you 12 years, and I've never been insecure about, you know, your hustle. And you just get back on your feet. That's great. You have someone by your side. Yeah. You're genocide. Gaza right now, everybody. There you go. Genocide happening. Now that I'm not in L.A. anymore, I can talk about it.

37:06Brian Redban:Yay. All right, BK. You know, you're getting on your feet. The stroke is finally wearing off. There's a medium-sized joke, buddy. Thank you so much. We're just going to keep it moving along. There he goes, BK, everybody. There he goes. Get out of here. All right, on to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. It's Martin Malloy, everybody. Martin Malloy.

37:35Hi, I'm Marty. The optimist sees the glass is half full. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, so I see two glasses, and one of them wants to kill me.

37:53Chicks dig mentally ill guys. That's what my cats tell me.

38:01I went to Paris. I didn't have to buy a plane ticket. I just took mushrooms and watched Ratatouille.

38:34I like this crowd. You're my ex-girlfriend. She also liked The Last Guy better.

38:42Someone told me the 90s called and they want their hairstyle back. I said, really? The 90s called? You didn't warn them about 9-11?

38:54Brian Redban:Martin Malloy. You got one more? Whatever the fuck you want to do. Let's go, dude. I don't give a fuck. Fucking go. Do a one-hour special. Let's go. That joke cost a$20 haircut,$5 tip, and over 3 ,900 American lives. That's it. I'm Martin Beloy. Holy shit. What the fuck is this? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ almighty, look at this guy. I had no idea Shane Gillis had a brother. This is amazing. Holy shit. You're a monster. I love your jokes. I love your stage presence. I love everything about you. Talk into that microphone, you wild beast. The stage presence I don't do on purpose. I really do have schizophrenia.

39:45That's the way I have to be. It's my nervous habits. I love it. The Chris O 'Connor. Dude, I love it when a head and shoulders can only point in one direction. It's fucking amazing. Just right down the barrel, comedy. It fucking rules.

40:06Brian Redban:I love it, man. I love your schizophrenia. All of your personalities were funnier than the other bucket pools we've had here tonight. Thank you. Hell, yeah. This is amazing. Martin, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since November 2004, but I couldn't do it for six years because I had an enlarged prostate and I had to pee over three minutes. So I couldn't work, so I had to live in a group home. They wouldn't give me a catheter.

40:40Is that a good enough answer, Tony?

40:46Brian Redban:No excuses. God damn it. Look at this fucking guy. This is incredible. Martin, you are a freak. You're a natural. I love it. You're so funny. Holy shit. Can I ask how old you are? I'm 60 years old. Turned 60 on March 25th. You turned it on Mother's Day? On March 25th, I turned 60. Oh, okay. Yeah, that happened. You're 60. You might know me under my stage name was Schizo Bill. I was on O.P. and Anthony. I don't know if you remember that episode. Wow. You do? Okay. Yeah, wow. Starstruck. Martin. When I was working at McDonald's, the guy that dressed as Ronald McDonald came in and he was a fan of Opie and Anthony and he knew me.

41:36Brian Redban:You are adorable. What else have you been doing your whole life? You worked at McDonald's for how long? For about two years on three different times. Okay. So I would leave and come back. Amazing. Why would you leave and come back? Try and get better jobs, but I never did.

41:57Brian Redban:Son of a bitch. Right now, I drive Lyft and make half my income in stand-up comedy. Amazing. I sell wristbands and stuff like that for merchandise, and I sell wristbands that say, Made in USA by illegals.

42:22You can get them at Salty Not Sweet gift shop in Lakewood, Ohio.

42:28Brian Redban:Wow, shout out, Lakewood, Ohio. You are... Can I drop my Instagram or website? You can do anything you want right now, Martin. Giving you the Timmy no-breaks treatment. This is just your show right now, Martin. My Instagram is ClevelandComedian, and my website is VeryFunnyComedy.com, and my website leads to my Instagram. Okay, absolutely. I only have about 230 more questions for you, Martin, So we could have saved those plugs for the end, but I like that they're in the middle because it's a little bit off, just like you. It's very fitting on the branding side. So you're 60 years old. You're originally from Cleveland, Ohio?

43:09Yeah.

43:10Brian Redban:Perfect. I grew up in the same town that Logan and Jake Paul did. I used to watch them wrestle when I... They were wrestlers in high school. Lakeway? I was an alumni wrestler, too. Amazing. I used to go back and watch the... Lakeway? What? At Lakeway? Westlake. Westlake, that's right. And you're a fan of the Cleveland Indians, I'm taking it? Yeah. Right, absolutely. And the Cavaliers? Yeah, and sort of the Browns. Right, I know. It's rough out there for a Browns fan. It's rough. I'm pretty sure the head coach feels the same way. I noticed they got Deshaun Watson as the first in the depth chart on the QB right now.

43:50Brian Redban:Okay, what does that mean to you? That means he's probably going to start this season. Yep. You think it should be Shador? Maybe. Who do you think it should be? Shador. I think it should be Shador. Talking to two different people. Schizo thing checks out. So, Martin, you still live in Cleveland or did you move here? I live in Cleveland. Nice. I traveled here just to get on this show and luckily I got picked. That's amazing. When did you get here? Today or yesterday? I got here yesterday. Okay. Okay, amazing. Incredible. When do you leave? Tomorrow? Tomorrow, yeah. Wow, so you came here just for this.

44:32Yeah, if there's any comedians out there, if there's a mic I can hit later on this night, let me know.

44:38Brian Redban:You're something else. I love your style, Martin. When you were on Opium Anthem, I remember you also on Ron and Fez. I remember Bill Burr used to roast you and everything. Yeah, Bill Burr and Jim Norton tried to get me to kill myself for like an hour. Wow. I didn't do it, obviously. But...

45:09But they drove me so crazy, I was considering calling the mental hospital.

45:18I've had shock treatments, I do jokes about them.

45:21Brian Redban:Wow, Martin, I love you. What's your love life like? Uh, non-existent. There's this girl, Julia Mary, she's a comedian. I'm working on hooking up with her, but it's not working out. Have you tried? Have you talked with her before? Yes, I'm talking to her, and she wants me to buy a house, and then she said she'll go out with me. She said if you buy her a house? No, if I buy a house, and I guess she wants to move in. I don't know. Sounds like a hell of a deal, Martin. Yeah, I'm looking on Habitat for Humanity now.

46:10I was on Last Comic Standing, too. Like, let me tell you that story.

46:14Brian Redban:Yeah. I responded to an ad that's saying you had to wear a costume, and so I wore a street jacket. and I told some jokes and they really weren't laughing. And then I told my final joke, I said, my illness draws me with the ability to feel emotional and compassion like normal people. That's why I'm a Republican. And the judges laughed like crazy, but they edited off those judges. They put in Norm from Chairs saying we have to pass. And I was never in the same room with Norm from Chairs. Wow. Nothing you're not used to.

46:51Brian Redban:That is amazing. Isn't it crazy how those big productions, those big television productions that aren't real and aren't raw and are overproduced. You're real, and I'm gonna use Talkspace. I love that. That's right. I'm gonna use Talkspace, and if you invite me back here, I'll come and tell everyone how Talkspace went. Pfft. Can't pass that up. That's amazing. Martin, absolutely incredible. What else about your life would we find interesting? 60 years... I go to the frog jump every year. My nephew won twice. What's the frog jump? It's a Valley City frog jump. You put a frog in the middle of a spread out parachute, and you jump it three times, and they measure the distance from the center.

47:35Brian Redban:Wow. And I had the second longest jump one year. Wow. Unbelievable. Wait, are you jumping or is it a frog? The frog is jumping. And this is a sad story. The first time I... Let me guess. you once, when the first time you did it, you accidentally squozed the frog to death? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You really did? Yeah, I think I'm gonna hold on to it tight, and I killed it. I used to do a joke about it, but I got too depressed about it.

48:13Brian Redban:I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I did the same thing. My first time I was ever on TV, I was 10 years old, and they were filming me, and I was going like this next to the frog, so it would jump as a frog jumping contest, and right when they got to me, I was like, oh, my God, I'm on TV, and I hit the frog, and I broke his leg. So much funnier when he does it. Jesus Christ.

48:39Brian Redban:Red Band, it's so funny. Be like, that happened to me! Yeah. Yeah, this is how we find out Red Band is officially retarded. I'll tell you what, Martin Malloy, there's an open mic happening on the other side of the building in the other room right now. I'm going to send you with the producers backstage, and they're going to give you a short set there. I think it's about three minutes. That's fine. If you had to guess how much... One more thing to drop. Okay, drop it. Drop it. The joke I did about the cats, chicks dig me, but that's what my cats tell me. Chicks dig mentally ill guys, that's what my cats tell me.

49:19Those are on sale salty nuts weed in Lakewood, Ohio, too.

49:35Brian Redban:Martin, you are an unbelievable human being, and at 60 years old with all of your experience doing it since 2004, I find you so intriguing, and it shocks me. All the time on this show when people come here with this or that, and whether it's a condition or a this, whatever it may be, for some reason in this crazy world, I think this is an art form where maybe being a little bit off or sad or up or down, I think it's kind of built for people that are a little fucked up. Yeah. I'm fine now because I'm on medication. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I get a lot of shit for helping people that are a little bit wacky.

50:28Brian Redban:But goddamn it, every single thing about you is absolutely hilarious. Thank you. You're an undeniable force. And with that said, you are the newest Golden Ticket winner here on Keltona. Martin Malloy, everybody.

50:49Brian Redban:Thank you, buddy.

50:53Brian Redban:Martin Malloy. Congratulations, buddy. Wave to these people. Take a bow. They love you.

51:12Amazing. From the golden arches.

51:17Brian Redban:That's right. To the golden ticket. Right now he's in the back squeezing it so hard that it broke. He oddly didn't seem to give a fuck. Yeah. See that? By the way, if there's a comedian out there that wants to talk shit about how many special needs people I help out, I'd love to let you do a minute and then him do a minute and we'll see who's funnier. Instead of talking shit online, come on, come challenge one of these guys. I love it. Martin Malloy. Funny throughout the entire thing. Sometimes I'm just asking questions waiting for them to not be funny and every time I'm like, fuck. son of a bitch.

52:00Brian Redban:But that guy's fucking hilarious. By the way, you have to watch them try to kill Bill Burr and Jim Norton. It's amazing. It's on YouTube. Okay, yeah. Alright. Thank you. Go watch it now. Turn off this episode and go watch an old episode of Opie and Anthony, everybody. It's a real hoot if you were alive in the 70s. Anyway. Alright, let's keep it going. I loved when you were like, a lot of people give me shit about helping out fucked up people. He's like, no, I'm fine.

52:33I'll be great.

52:37Go to Salty and Sweet. I really, I want to like, I want to trip. I feel like we should all go to Salty and Sweet. Just show up there.

52:47Brian Redban:Oh, man. Shock the world. Do the frog jump. See which one of our frogs wins. Sounds like a lot of fun, actually. Hello there. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by Odoo. And first off, it's pronounced Odoo. If you run a business, you probably know how annoying it is juggling a bunch of different software subscriptions just to keep things organized. One app for accounting, another for inventory, another for customer management, another for your website. It gets expensive and messy fast. Odoo simplifies all that. Red Band? Odoo, I love Odoo, Tony. It's a truly incredible business tool. It's an all-in-one business management platform with fully integrated apps for CRM, accounting, sales, inventory, HR, marketing, project management, website building, e-commerce, and more.

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55:17Brian Redban:Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. All right, we're doing it. This episode is bumping. This episode brought to you by Blue Chew Prize Picks and ZipX. So fun. Zip more. smoke glass. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of George S. Sealy. George S. Sealy.

55:54Hello. Comedy mothership one day after Mother's Day. Daddy's home. It is I, Ugly Ryan Gosling.

56:11Your last comic was a dream come true. Here comes the nightmare. And I just got back from the retard strangling competition. And boy, is my neck sore.

56:30This guy got second place in the retard strangling competition. Look how thin his neck is. My name is George, and if I look weird or creepy, it's because I am. I'm an Arab man, even though I look like a Mexican woman.

56:50Every cartel member has a picture of me in their wallet that says, do it for her.

57:00Brian Redban:I want the bear. It's okay. You got it, George. How are you? Give me the bear. George, how are you? Okay. Roar. There you go. All right. Red band. I can't believe you played into that, but okay. Hi, George. How are you? Hello, Anthony. How are you tonight? I'm great. I'm great. Relax and take a breath for a second. Duh. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up, George? Ten years. Where at? Canada. What part of Canada? Montreal. Wow. Amazing. And what type of Arab are you? Lebanese. Okay. Ya Habibi. Okay. I love it. What do you do for work, George? I'm in between bushes right now, Anthony. What is that?

57:39I live in a bush, and I drink the breast milk of lost pets. What the fuck?

57:47Brian Redban:Yummy, yummy. Somehow you're crazier than the last guy. This is amazing. Please, no loud noises. I'm autistic. I think he's one of the voices in the last guy's head. Last place, retard strangling competition. All right, George, let people talk a little bit. You're being a little wild over here. I'll allow it. Okay, thank you. Thanks. So, George, you've been doing it 10 years. Tell us more about your life. What else is going on? What have you done this entire time? How old are you? I'm 29. Okay, no, you're not. You're definitely not. George. I'm 50 and forehead years. Okay. What are you in real life?

58:34Brian Redban:What? Okay. I'm a stand-up comedian. How old are you? 29. No, you're not. They took my ID, Anthony. I can prove it. Are you really 29? I'm 29. I started stand-up when I was 19. This is the result. Wow. That's incredible. Holy shit. Amazing. That's right. You're born in Montreal? Ottawa, Ontario, baby. Right. Absolutely amazing. And let's check in with Chris O 'Connor here. It's just hard to go from real weird to fake weird. Yeah, it is. You know what I mean? I'm with you. We had the genuine article up here. Oh, yeah. The real deal. Now he's inventing retard strangling crap. Yeah. Sucks. It is true.

59:24Brian Redban:Martin Malloy is a very tough follow-up. It is a very tough follow. Stinks. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, it is true. First place. Yeah. Does that mean I'm retarded or getting strangled? I don't know. Oh, really? This guy knows. George, any other fun facts about your life that we might find interesting? Well, I got my dick sucked at a glory hole, and I used to have sex with prostitutes. Okay. All right. See, I would have never guessed that.

1:00:04Brian Redban:I'm an open book. Are you? Yeah. What is it, a coloring book? George, what made you stop hooking up with prostitutes? I have a girlfriend now, Anthony. Where'd you meet this girl at? Montreal, at a comedy show. She came up to you after the show and said what? I love you. Wow, straight to love. Amazing, George. Here's a medium-sized joke book, buddy. Oh, very good. All right. There he goes. Take it. George Esley, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes George, everyone. We have a golden ticket winner, right? Is he back there? Cut. Cold. I mean, there you go. All right, sweet.

1:00:50Brian Redban:We have a golden ticket winner that you know that has done many one-minute sets. We found him here in the great state of Texas many years ago. And now he's a full-time comedian. Make some noise. This is the return of the great Enrique Chacon, everybody. Enrique is back.

1:01:13I had a bad dick day the other day. You ever disappoint your girl so much you have a bad dick day that you enroll into college? I had a bad dick day. I had to clean the whole house, bro. My dick was so bad, man. I had to call up a friend, and they told me to go to the gas station and get some boner pills, so I'm at the Circle K gas station buying dick pills, and the first thing I realized is that everybody there knows that my dick doesn't work. So I'm choosing the boner pills, and there's no ingredients. Now I gotta choose the boner pill based on the animal and the explosion behind it. I found one that said the vanilla gorilla, bro.

1:01:52I'm like, if I take this shit, am I gonna start fucking like Brock Lesnar? And break all my IKEA furniture? I found one that said the Black Mamba. I'm like, if I take this shit, am I gonna start fucking like Kobe Bryant? Unconsensually?

1:02:11I found a third one. It was the strongest looking animal. It said the Black Rhino. I took that shit. I thought I was gonna take my girl to a safari. But nah, man, I ended up going to the urgent care. in my heart, bro. It would've stopped eating. Sure there's bad dick out there, but have you ever had dick that financially disables your family? Because that's way worse. Anyways, that's been my minute. Thank y 'all.

1:02:34Brian Redban:Enrique Chacon with a whole minute on dick pills. Yes, sir. How you doing, Tony? I'm fantastic. Is that true? Have you been eating dick pills? Well, sometimes, Tony, you just don't feel a little too confident. You know, I don't have a Blue Chew sponsor or whatever the fuck you got here at KG. Yeah, you should be doing blue chew. Those gas station boner pills are unregulated and absolutely, you know, they could be anything. You don't know what you're getting in there. A lot of them are made in the bathtubs of immigrants. Whoa, Tony, chill. Talk shit about immigrants, Tony. I mean, you know. Hey, man, look, I felt like I was dying and I was scared for my dick was hard, bro.

1:03:16I only needed like 10 minutes to just satisfy my girl and get on with my life and drop out of college again. You know, that's all I needed. You should never get boner pills at the same place you get lottery tickets. Yeah, that's true.

1:03:32Brian Redban:You should try Blue Chew. And they have the new Blue Chew Gold, which actually activates chemicals in your brain and also the physical aspect. So you actually enjoy it more and your partner will enjoy it more. use the promo code killtony and we love blue chew well fuck you hook it up tony hook it the fuck up man you know help me help my relationship out dude i want to marry this girl one day bro i gotta fucking put out so what's going on is she is she complaining a little bit like enrique and what do i know you come a little too fast bro what can you do but like make peanut butter sandwiches afterwards you know how fast are we talking one pump you just throw it in there and and just nut right away?

1:04:11I mean, bro, come on, at least give me like eight pumps, you know, and like a few loud grunts, bro. But it was something like that, you know? Fuck you, dude, shut the fuck up. This is some personal shit that I'm telling y 'all, bro. You know what? Is that what's going on, eight pumps? You know what, I don't really go to the gym, bro, but I was building a goat fence, you know? And you use your legs a lot. I live in the country, man. What the fuck is wrong with y 'all, bro? Y 'all don't build your own fucking fences, dude? I had a fucking huge-ass log, bro. I'm lifting these logs, bro. My legs are weak.

1:04:42And whenever I do work out my legs, bro, don't judge me, Matt. Whenever I do work out my legs, you know, then I just feel like, you know, I don't get as hard, bro. Fuck you, Connor. Fuck, what the fuck, dude? I thought this was the fucking bro table, bro. What the fuck? Yeah, that's how bros talk. Never had a heart of heart? You son of a bitch. I thought you'd start fucking goats or something. What is a goat story? I'm a country boy now, man. I live out in a seven-acre farm with my girl, bro, and I need to have kids, dude. There's a lot of fucking chores, man. I'm getting baby fever, bro. That's a lot of work.

1:05:25Brian Redban:I think baby fever might be the fourth disease on your list. What's wrong with you? You're sweating a lot tonight. You've always been a sweater. Always. Seems a little bit worse than normal. I'm watching a giant drip come down your forehead right now in real time. I mean, it's crazy. When I fuck, it feels like it's a fucking waterbed afterwards, you know? All eight pumps? All eight pumps, you son of a bitch. Wow. Yeah. You do any foreplay at all before you do the pumping? I always try to make the girl come a few times before I even put my dick in her. I don't believe that. I don't fucking believe that.

1:06:01Brian Redban:There's not a human in the world that believes that. I told you about my barbershop. Tell us. Tell us through the process. Why don't you teach? Let's do our senior foreplay correspondent, Brian Redband. So on Amazon, there's this three dick dildo collections. One's smaller, bigger, and one's crazy. They're all black. It's called the barbershop. I highly recommend it. So what do you do with these? You're just saying other things that do the job that supposedly you just said. Just eating and fucking, eating and fucking. So you're eating while fucking her with a dildo. Yes. And then eventually you take your frumpy diabolical.

1:06:35Brian Redban:She's like, I can't take it anymore. Then you fuck her. It's like, I'm done. See, it's over. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it. That sounds like rape. We just need to buy some black dildos and golden blue chew. Right. That's how you make a baby. You just take a black dildo and just keep jamming it. This is going to fucking save my relationship, dude. Yeah, this is great. And when she's crying, just say, Red Band told me to do that. It's kind of weird, man. I'm not going to even mention Red Band. Imagine that she's coming and I'm like, Red Band fucking said hello. Nah, I'm not going to fucking do that.

1:07:06We're really doing it to you. But yeah, that and I guess I have a white mother-in-law now, you know. She came to visit. My girl's half black, half white, you know.

1:07:18Brian Redban:Really? Yeah, thank God she got a black booty. You know, I've always been into black bitches, you know. Wow. And, yeah, so, but it's not a regular white lady like Matt's mom. Maybe, maybe Matt, you know. It's like an Alabama white lady, dude. Like, she doesn't make muffins or anything. Like, she catches cats, you know. That's what she does. Okay. Yeah, so. My mom is way cooler than your girl's mom. And she's Mexican. That's right. Fuck yeah. Enrique, a fun set. Get it together, bud. Get that dick hard and do better. Dude, help me out with the blue chew, man. I'll be fucking hard next time, bro.

1:07:59Brian Redban:Absolutely. Let's get Enrique some blue chew on his way out. We have some on the other side of the curtain. Thank y 'all so much, man. Appreciate it. There he goes. Enrique Chacon, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. That's what we do for our people here. We get your dick hard. This is Kill Tony. You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save? Enough. Enough to get lost? Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room. Just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on now. Book on Hilton.com or the Hilton app and save up to 20 % to get the stay you expected.

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1:09:20terms.

1:09:21Brian Redban:Next to the bucket pool, he goes by the name of Greg McHowan, everybody. We're going to meet Greg all together now.

1:09:32What's going on, Austin? What's up? So a lot's been going on in my life recently. I started dating this new girl. She's actually very spontaneous, and I speak for a lot of men here when I say we love spontaneous women. Like, she's the type of girl that be like, bae, come over here real quick. And I'll come over and she'll be like, I want you to put my dick in the Cheerios and let me drink the milk out of the bowl. That's the type of spontaneity I like. That's the type of spontaneity. I think it's because like my last girl, she wasn't really spontaneous. I love how everybody laughed at that. Yeah, she was not really spontaneous at all, bro.

1:10:13She was hella crazy. She was hella fucking crazy. like it's crazy when you find out she's crazy halfway during the game of monopoly very crazy like halfway through the game she'll just say stuff that's like passive aggressive to try to hurt me she'll be saying stuff like how you buying up all the horses around the board yet we're playing monopoly in a studio apartment like let that make sense bitch like it shit made no sense the shit made no fucking sense it's fucking crazy especially when she's

1:10:44Brian Redban:like all right there you go you want to finish it greg uh do you want to finish you close to the end there uh no i actually have like another 30 seconds left okay well yeah i'm gonna stop you there all right um greg so let's talk about it this is a girlfriend or just a girl you've been seeing a girlfriend now officially a couple weeks now and she's black yep she's black is spontaneous her name? No, no, no, no. Spontaneous Jenkins. Wide receiver. University, Alabama.

1:11:17No, she's pretty fucking cool. She's pretty cool. She's been, like, traveling all over the world. She's been, like, France, Greece, and a lot of other places. Portugal. What is she?

1:11:26Brian Redban:What is she? A flight attendant? No, she's actually not a flight attendant. She does a lot of work from home stuff, so, like, basically she gets paid to travel and... Escort? Maybe. You might be on to something. She might be on to a secret double life. Guys, what do we think about that? Did I mishear that, or did he say his girlfriend has a dick? Did you say that? That's the hot topic. No, she does not have a dick. You walked over, and then she puts her dick in the cereal. And lets me drink the milk out the bowl. I'm so glad you said that. That is just gay enough for D-Madness to leave. A resident homophobe The reigning, defending, homophobic champion of the world He's got no eyes, but boy does he have an opinion When D fucks a bowl of cereal, it's on accident

1:12:25Man, baby, your pussy cold as shit this morning

1:12:31I was surprised he found his way out I was like, what the fuck, man?

1:12:36Brian Redban:You better fucking respect the image. You are a temporary guest in this house. Sorry. Greg, how old are you? I'm 29. How long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years. All of it here in Austin? Not all of it here in Austin. Dallas, Texas, originally. Yeah. What do you do for work? What type of kiosk do you work at for a living? I actually work at the chicken salad chick. I actually have the hat on at this moment. This is great. The chicken salad chick? Yep. I work there as a shift leader. Oh, a shift leader. Yeah, last time I came here, I didn't have a job. Okay. So now I have a job. How's that working on?

1:13:15Brian Redban:It seems like heaven if you're at places with chicken. Oh, yeah. It's pretty cool. Surprisingly, no black... That's like me working at the cock factory. You know what I mean? It's crazy. I'm the only black guy that works there, too. Amazing. I could see why that would be. Chicken salad. It is chicken salad, right? That is the whiter version. It's the whiter version. But I bet you're back in the kitchen. They're cutting it up a little bit. Yeah, I do a lot of different stuff. I train in a lot of different areas. Okay, like what? Can you train us to make a great chicken salad? Train y 'all to make a great chicken?

1:13:50No ingredients right now?

1:13:52Brian Redban:Go ahead. Name them off. Holy shit. How do you do it? Basically, cut up the chicken and stuff like that and mix it in with a lot of different ingredients. They have their own recipes. How about your own? When you're making your own chicken salad, what's something crazy you throw in there? His dick. See, there we go. How did you know? You said it in your joke. There you go, there you go. What's the wildest thing you ever put in your chicken salad? In my chicken salad? I'm not a chicken salad eater, actually. I just work there. Okay, perfect. That makes sense. I could see why that would be. You get chicken salad once.

1:14:29Brian Redban:Oh, you're on your sandwich diet. I forgot. Chicken salad chick is awesome. Red man is losing weight by exclusively eating sandwiches. That's how unhealthy he was before. I'm not kidding, by the way. It sounds like a joke. I'm not kidding. Am I kidding? Nope. I'm being dead serious. He ate so unhealthy before that eating exclusively sandwiches, he's shedding pounds. It's unbelievable. Subway shit. It's amazing. Yeah, totally. That totally worked back then. That wasn't false advertising whatsoever. That Jared guy was super honest. You can trust him with your anything. I love it. Greg McCowan. Yeah.

1:15:09Brian Redban:What's the, you ever gotten in trouble with the law? Why do you ask, Tony? I've asked everybody that. Specifically me, though? I've been asking everybody all night. Oh, shit. Let me think. Let me think. I got caught selling weed before. Oh, wow. In Dallas? Yeah, in Dallas. By the police? Yep, by the police. How did they catch you? How did they catch you? Was it a sting operation? No, no, no, no. They just profiled me. They literally just profiled me. They was like, yeah, he's a young black guy walking back. Like, I was walking from the bus stop with a backpack on. He was like, yeah, you matched the description.

1:15:45Brian Redban:Yeah. And he's like, you got me. Yeah. You caught me black-handed. Yeah, literally. God damn, how much weed did you have on you? Ballpark. I don't need the exact... I don't really want to disclose that. Why? Is the case still open? It's not still open. It's been dropped and shit. You don't want them to spontaneously pick it back up? Yeah, if I watch this and be like, yeah, it comes back to light. Yeah, cold case files, Christian said. There's that motherfucker. So many criminals are caught here being pulled out of the bucket on Kill Tony. caught many a people. Greg, you got a girlfriend right now?

1:16:33Brian Redban:What's your love life like? Yeah, I got a girlfriend, like I said. Oh, that's real. Okay, so it's a couple weeks. Where'd you meet her at? I met her here in Austin. Where in Austin? Bar on 6th Street. Just a random bar. Just a random bar. And there you were. Did you go up to her? Did she come up to you? I went up to her. What'd you say? What was your big opening line? I'll fuck your cereal.

1:16:55That was my second line. The first line was like, what are you drinking? So, like, before I know to put my dick in it, I want to know exactly what it is. I'm putting my dick in, so.

1:17:04Brian Redban:Cocoa puff. Is it a black girl or a white girl? Yeah, it's a black girl. Okay. Yeah. All right. Is she a little thicker? Slim. Slim. All right. Slim. Slim built. She works out and stuff. Okay. Very good. What does she do for work? Right now, she actually left Austin to go to Chicago. She just went to Chicago, and basically now she works at like a Marriott. Okay. Yeah, she had to just like find a job. In Chicago? Yeah, in Chicago now. It's been like a couple days now. So... I'm with you, Chris. I'm pretty sure we're... Still together? We're realizing before... Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're still together.

1:17:46Brian Redban:You guys talk on your like cricket phone or something?

1:17:55By pigeon. No, I'm just playing. No, we FaceTime and stuff. Nice.

1:18:00Brian Redban:Do you guys ever have phone sex while FaceTiming? Oh, yeah. You do? 100%. Yeah. You do. Now, when you're having supposed FaceTime sex, how do you do that? I have a bowl of cereal with me. No, but seriously, do you hold it in one hand? Yeah, I hold the bowl in one hand. All right, let's take the cereal out of it. I know you love a good fucking cereal joke, but in real life, because I find that to be very interesting, right? It's hard to hold a phone. How do you do it? Do you have any special ways to... You just got to hold it from, like, different angles, bro. Like, you got to catch everything.

1:18:38You know what I'm saying? You're dealing with the front camera, so you got to get it from, like, here, and then you got to, like, sideways so, like, it looks bigger on the way. Do you really think you're going to stay together? I can't entertain that. This is crazy. We both love food and cereal, bro. Yes, I believe we're definitely going to. She moved to Chicago. You work at a chicken salad place.

1:19:06Brian Redban:Yeah. You met at a bar on 6th Street. She works at a Marriott.

1:19:15Brian Redban:Yeah. He even agreed with you. How'd you end up with an Irish last name? Huh? How did I? Yeah. I have no idea, bro. You're going to have to ask my dad on that one. He literally named me after himself. He probably stole it, right? Whoa. He probably stole it and gave it to me to get away from it. My friend, here's a medium-sized joke book, Greg. Thank you so much for coming on. We're going to keep it moving. We've got to keep rolling here. All right. I already got a big one. There he goes. All right, great. Give back the big one. All right. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody.

1:20:00Brian Redban:It's Luke Stamm, everyone. Here comes Luke Stamm.

1:20:09My father taught me to carry a rubber on me at all times because it helps make women feel safe, and I never know when I'm going to need it. But I feel like I'm doing something wrong because any time I pull out my rubber, women don't feel safe at all. So say you say, meet you, like, right here, right now, and I take you home like I plan on doing. You know, we're getting hot and heavy. It's time for me to pull out my rubber. I just tell you, if you don't stick my fucking cock in your mouth right now, bitch, I swear to Christ, if you don't put my pee-pee in your pie, whole whore, I need you to, please, I need you to do this for me.

1:20:49I love you. You're acting too much like your mouth. Oh, God damn. Sir, I got bad news for you. No, you gotta stick my cock in your mouth. Do you have a gap in your teeth? Well, for the joke, it hit you. Yeah, you don't have a gap in your teeth. I can make one. And I need the gap. I love the gap, because I got a vein on the side of my cock. It looks like if your thumb had a pinky growing down the side of it. And I want that vein to nestle in the gap

1:21:20Brian Redban:in your teeth like a jockey on a set. All right, Luke. All right, we hit the time limit there. Wow. Can you hand me my career back, please? My goodness. Luke, welcome to the show. I've never seen a guy that looks like a rapist that rapes rapists. Hey, I'm doing the Lord's work. Yeah, like some kind of superhero that when he finds a rape happening, you get behind the rapist and just absolutely raw dog him until he's crying and apologizing. bludgeoned to need it. That he'll never rape again. He's the Dexter of rapists. He genuinely looks like a Farsight cartoon. Yeah. It is incredible. You're very cartoony, Luke.

1:22:06Brian Redban:How long have you been on stand-up? Going on six years now. How old are you? I'm 29. There's no fucking way you're 29. There's no way you're 29. I just turned 29 a few weeks ago. Oh my fucking God. What is happening in this world? It's been a long, rough, hard life. What's been going on with you? What is the last I mean, Jesus, you couldn't have looked like this when you were 20. What happened? I've looked like this since I was 18. Why? How? A lot of drugs and alcohol. Okay. What kind of drugs? Cocaine, alcohol, pills, a lot. But I will be two years sober this month. Oh, congratulations. Amazing.

1:22:48Brian Redban:What do you do to stay sober? What do you do to scratch that itch? I read a ton of books and just fester in my own anger in my own apartment. Wow. Incredible. You live by yourself? That I do. Amazing. Studio apartment? Studio apartment. Cement floors. I've broken three bottles of hot sauce. Oh, damn. I put the hot sauce on eggs and I get too excited to eat them and then the bottle falls out of my hand when I go to the fridge. I can't even imagine the end. Shit! Son of a bitch! Yeah, it's brutal every time. It's like$15 in hot sauce I've lost. So when the police come over and see a bunch of red stains on your floor, you go, it's just hot sauce, officer.

1:23:34I promise it's just hot sauce. Incredible. And there's a bunch of rubber bands on the floor. I'm just working on my material. Yeah. I'm a prop comic.

1:23:45Brian Redban:Amazing. And what can people, if we were to go to your studio apartment, what are on the walls of this studio apartment? On the walls? I feel like there's no windows in your place. There's one window, but there's a bunch of homeless people screaming outside of it all the time. Wow, amazing. And then, yeah, just, like, pictures. Pictures of what? Just my own show posters. Oh, okay. Yeah. Nothing else. No pictures of any humans that you've taken? No, actually, I do. collect pictures from Goodwill that just are other people. Okay. And I buy the frames and then I hang them up. Wow. And then I make up stories for them.

1:24:25Like, you know, if people come over to my house, they're like, who's that? It's like, oh, that was my cousin Kathy. She died in a horrific accident.

1:24:34Brian Redban:Right. Wow. You are a funny, interesting guy, Luke. Amazing. What do you do for work? What do I do for work? I've actually been fired from every job I've ever had, so I started my own company and I clean people's cars. You clean people's cars? Yeah, I make them clean. You go to them? I drive to them, yeah, when I got everything I need fits in my trunk and making it work somehow. Amazing. Is your car clean? No, my car's destroyed. I go on the road like, so I live in my car. I don't actually live in my car, but going on the road, there's just, and I have people like keith ray like you know oh that pigs in the car yeah that's crazy um what's your love life like luke what is uh i was born to walk this earth alone i am married to the game if you will and the game is magic the gathering no i don't play that nerd shit no fuck no i love it um when's the last time you were with a woman when is the last time like a month or so ago oh okay all right that's okay so what happened a month ago take us through it exactly how did you meet this person how did i meet this person she just saw me on this show oh before and then she's like oh that was funny i was like let's make out like teenagers in the parking lot okay and that's what you did yeah you made out in a parking lot yeah you didn't take her to your place i i was on the road so i I didn't have a place to take her to.

1:26:08I was staying at my friend's house with a bunch of children in the house, and I didn't want to subject the kids to my noises, if you will.

1:26:18Brian Redban:Uh-oh, Uncle Luke's breaking hot sauce again in the bedroom.

1:26:25Brian Redban:Amazing, Luke. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law? Have you ever been put in jail? I mean, yeah, I've been handcuffed several times, like underage drinking charges, but I drove drunk every day for like six years, and they never caught me. It was amazing. Wow. Yeah. What was your trick to being such a great drunk driver? Cocaine. Oh, okay. Yep, that'll do it. Lots and lots of cocaine. A scary amount of cocaine, even for people that did cocaine. Amazing. You know, I've never done it. How would you describe that to people? It kind of feels like, you know what it feels like whenever you wake up Christmas morning when you're a kid and you find out Santa's already dropped off the presents, you get like a nice warm feeling like that.

1:27:09Brian Redban:How long does that last for? Ten minutes. Yeah, amazing. And then it's time for Santa to visit again.

1:27:26Brian Redban:It's funny, Luke. You have a big joke book already? Yes. Matt Edgar. What's up? Oh, no, nothing. Oh, okay. You already got one. Yeah. There you go. Luke Stamm, everybody. Thank you, guys. I need that. We're going to keep moving. Oh, he really needs the rubber band. A little fun pack. Can't possibly buy a 1 ,000 pack off Amazon for$3 right now. Using the promo code KillTony. What's the difference between butter and butter made from real California dairy? it's the real california farm families behind it real people real care real intention why because real matters so whether you're pouring milk melting the cheese or just grabbing one more spoonful of yogurt keep it real look for the seal real california milk by real california farm families.

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1:28:50Brian Redban:U.S. only exclusions apply. See homedepot.com slash price match for details. All right, your next bucket pool. We having fun tonight or what, huh? This is as real as it gets, people. Next one's for your next bucket pool. Eric Blair, everybody. It's Eric Blair.

1:29:09It's often been said that you're better off being born black than gay because at least you don't have to tell your parents. But here's who do have to tell their parents. The ugly white bitches who are fucking them. Chelsea Handler. And to those people in the year 2026 who are still opposed to their white daughters dating black men, I have this to say. I agree with you. Because I'm opposed to reversing evolution. That's right. These ugly white bitches are ruining the DNA of the world's greatest athletes. and in doing so they're ruining the future of professional sports because future generations may not get to see a man jump from the free throw line and dunk in somebody's fucking face because there won't be any real black people left at some point instead there'll be a whole court full of steph curry looking motherfuckers who have to shoot pull-up threes from half court because they have no game above the rim so ugly white bitches keep your hands off our black people

1:30:12Brian Redban:find somebody else to make you a single mom i'm eric blair eric blair some punched up hate speech there welcome to the show my friend this is your first time here yeah chris i think he just really cares about basketball he seems like a big fan yeah that that wasn't racist at all welcome thank you how do you feel feels great how long you been on stand-up it's my first time wow his first time.

1:30:44Brian Redban:How old are you, Eric? Don't say 29, please, for the love of God. Anything but 29. 51. Perfect. That's an acceptable answer. What made you want to start stand-up now here? This show. Yeah. Became a fan about a year ago, and like, you know, I never really cared about stand-up that much until I saw this show and said, hey, this shit is for me, so. Hell yeah. And here you are, your very first time. What's different? What is, is this how you envisioned it? I'm sure a lot of people out there watching probably think about signing up eventually or trying it. Explain from your perspective, a fan of a year, here you are.

1:31:21Brian Redban:What's out of the ordinary? What stands out to you? I mean, honestly, it's only my second time to come do the bucket poll. But, I mean, I've been in this room before for other stuff. To see a show. It's just, well, I think this is the same room that the main stuff happens in. Yeah. This is the room where the main stuff happens. Yeah, this is it. But, yeah, I've been in here. It's like, we're at the mothership, right? Right. No, I mean, it's just, it feels fucking awesome to be standing here watching this show on YouTube every Monday and then, like, standing here now. It's fucking amazing. Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head because they were expecting a better answer than that about how you envisioned it and how it's different.

1:32:07Brian Redban:Is there anything different than how you pictured it? The lights are not as bright as I expected because so many people here wear sunglasses. So I was like, shit, the lights will see really good. The ball cap is what does that, though. Your eyes are protected by the coverage. Eric, what do you do for work? I'm a lawyer. No way. Yeah. Really? For, like, bikers or something? No. I mean, I would be if they paid me. I mean, whoever's got the fucking money. What kind of law are you into? Litigation. Okay. How long have you been doing that? About 20 years now. Wow. And you do that where? Here in Austin.

1:32:44Brian Redban:Okay. How long have you lived here? Went to UT undergrad. Went off to law school. Came back. And so I've been here since about 2011. Amazing. What's your love life like? You know, I went through a long period where pussy was kind of controlling my life. And, you know, it's just kind of like wanting to do other stuff now. One of the reasons I wanted to do this, you know, it's like a better outlet and cheaper. You know, this is free. Right. I don't have to pay for fucking dinners at Red Ash and shit. Exactly. You're exactly right. That's a real good point. Those dinners add up. Eric, what do you do for fun?

1:33:23Brian Redban:Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Yeah. So I love playing poker. Hold on. I got to check in with Chris. Sometimes he just starts cracking up. I was just putting a whole new patina on the... Stop fucking black dudes, bitch.

1:33:40Were you losing? I'm sorry? Were you losing out to black dudes all the time? No, no, I don't fuck the ugly bitches. See, that was about the ugly bitches. Ooh, look at this guy. Jesus Christ.

1:33:55Brian Redban:Order in the court.

1:34:01Brian Redban:Amazing. So Eric, so like the last woman you were with, did she leave like a bad taste in your mouth or something like that kind of? I just got burned out with it, you know. I was just like, can you talk in more detail about what burnt you out exactly other than the spending money on dinner? Spending money, you know, cycling through a bunch of chicks. Were you doing this on like dating sites and stuff? Yeah, online dating. Absolutely. What's the worst online date you ever went on? Is there one that really stands out to you where you're like, God, I fucked up? There is. Yeah. So Meta Chick Online showed up at 24 Diner.

1:34:37Saw a chick standing outside who I knew was her. She looked like she was in some kind of like church dress. This is like July 4th weekend, right? In what? Like a church dress. Like long sleeves and church dress.

1:34:48Brian Redban:It's July 4th. Yeah. It's hot. Scorching. And so I was like, and she looks kind of fucking fat too. Uh-huh. And not too great looking, you know, like filters and shit in the picture. God damn it. That's going to be a hell of a restaurant bill. It's going to, it's going to, well. You went from red ash to fat ass. This is 24 diners, so not so much. But anyway, as I got to looking at her, I'm like, holy fuck. She's in a maternity dress. So the bitch was pregnant. Oh, shit. That's hot. Yeah. Well. Now you're paying for two restaurant bills. Not, not, not for me. But anyway, so I was like, what the fuck am I going to do?

1:35:29like i don't want to sit here and wait for 30 minutes to get a table with this bitch so basically i look for an escape route right so i saw the bus boys going out the back door and i'm like hey i have to go to the bathroom so i act like i went to the bathroom and escaped so was this let me go ahead matt edgar so you're on a date with a pregnant woman and then you aborted absolutely absolutely i'm pro-choice when it comes to those dates yeah your choice yeah gotcha Actually, mandatory abortion at that point.

1:36:01Brian Redban:Let me ask you this. Did anyone come over to take your drink order by the time that you decided, or had already decided to get up and leave? It was brunch, so no one came over, but yeah. It was brunch? What does that mean? Like it was like a buffet or something? No, it was just like early, so it wasn't really like, you know. But you guys hadn't put an order in? Not yet, no. Right. Waiting for the table, yes. You were just waiting for the table. Correct. And then you went out the back door. Right. Wow, wow. No, don't do that. Don't do that. That'll set off the copyright things. We literally can't play any music anymore.

1:36:34Brian Redban:I'm sick of giving fucking CBS our money. All right. Whoever owns the people's court. There's a thing going on with YouTube. They have robots controlling it. You can't do anything anymore. Anyway, we might need you to litigate for us.

1:36:53Brian Redban:Amazing. So you got kind of catfished and you weren't having it, so you were out. That's interesting that a pregnant woman would do that. Yeah. And it was like second trimester too. This wasn't like a little pregnancy. Wow. Incredible. So that wasn't hot at all to you? Like you didn't think like maybe I could get that pregnant bitch? Absolutely not. That was fucking disgusting. She was about to burst. It's never good when a hand comes out and the baby's hand's like, check please.

1:37:21Brian Redban:Okay, let's do this before I let you go. How about the best online date you ever had? What was just the fucking absolute, wow, that was unbelievable. I feel like I got away from that. It's the same story.

1:37:34Well, I went out with a chick to Jay Carver's, great restaurant here in town. Yes. Sitting next to her at the bar, she said, hey, do you mind if we go back to your place? I was like, sure.

1:37:45Brian Redban:Yeah. Turns out she wasn't wearing panties, so I put her up on the bar. Ate her pussy. Hold on. At Jay Carver? No, at my place. You have a bar at your place? Yes. Hell yeah. Like, you know, the bar in the kitchen. The counter. Yeah. Got it. Big difference there, but yeah. Okay, the counter. Yeah. Anyway, ate her pussy and fucked the shit out of her within one hour, so it was a great day. Amazing. Look at that. She was hot. You didn't even have to bust out your triple dildo set like Red Pan does over here. You're in a barber shop. He used his fingers in his mouth like an adult. Only one time with that girl?

1:38:22No, I went out with her for a little while. She was Latina, though, so she was a little crazy.

1:38:26Brian Redban:Of course, yeah. Did her water break? Yeah. No, this one wasn't pregnant, so. Amazing. Was the pregnant one Latina? No, no, she wasn't, surprisingly. Incredible. Yeah, that's kind of amazing. All right, well, fun times, Eric. Even though it was your first time and the set was interesting, it was good enough of a first set to earn yourself a big joke book, my friend. Eric Blair. Congratulations. His first time doing stand-up in front of millions of people. Isn't that interesting? You guys having fun still? Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Ty Reynolds. Here comes Ty Reynolds.

1:39:12Hi, everybody. My name is Ty. I'm from Baltimore, Maryland. I just moved down to Austin. It's very violent in Baltimore. Down here is just like domestic violence, so it's cool.

1:39:30Baltimore gangsta as hell, but I can't be a gangster because I'm ticklish.

1:39:41You ever try to hold somebody up? Y 'all give me all your motherfuckers. Chill, y 'all. Chill, y 'all. Chill. I knew I wasn't a gangster, because I got in a shootout one time, and I had thong flip-flops on. You ever been running for your life in thong flip-flops? I thought the shootout lasted 20 minutes longer because my heels was clapping down the street.

1:40:16Brian Redban:All right, that's my motherfucking Ty. Boom. Great set. Ty Reynolds, you've been on before, correct? Yes, sir. I remember you. Very funny, man. Welcome back. Another good set. How do you feel? I feel great, man. Thank you again. Of course. Absolutely. How old are you, Ty? I am 37. Perfect. Amazing. You don't look a day over 29. Remind us, Ty, How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for 10 years. I just turned 37 this year. Perfect. That's how it goes. Yes. Believe it or not, you're going to turn 38 next year, 39 the year after that. It is crazy. It never stops. It just keeps going up.

1:40:54I know, but I know I'm getting old now because I, like, watch The Price is Right, and I don't want the car and shit. I'd be like, damn, that's a nice refrigerator.

1:41:04Brian Redban:I'm with you, actually, on that. I've been watching old episodes. Did I talk about this recently? Yeah, I've been watching old episodes of The Price is Right on YouTube. Bob Barker was the absolute man. Yeah, very racist. He was so very, very racist. He also hated ugly women. So, like, it's absolutely incredible. I mean, I think everybody hates ugly women, Tony. Yeah, but this guy was, like, putting on a show for all of America in front of tens of millions of people back when there was only three channels. and if there was a hot chick, I don't know if you remember this, he would do this thing where he'd kiss them on the cheek and do both cheeks if they're like real hot, one cheek if they're like a seven or eight, and then I swear to God, sometimes a fucking ugly woman would win the thing and they'd come up.

1:41:54Tony, you want to wrap this up like you working on my time?

1:41:56Brian Redban:That's very funny. I was just getting to it. It's crazy because obviously the punchline was right around the corner, and then you had to interject to try to have this cool viral moment for your stupid Instagram page. And then you got it, buddy. That's how it works. Congratulations. You did it, you fucking asshole. Piece of shit. Who could have guessed that the punchline was right around the corner there? You've been doing it a long time. I bet you knew that it was right there. But you had your one chance. Wait, wait, wait. It's your show. No, I know. I know. It's been working the whole goddamn time.

1:42:25Brian Redban:Go ahead, Matt Edgar. Well, I want to know the punchline. Was it that he shook her hand? Oh, not only that, but literally he would. There's times where he's literally running away from a person like this. It's just like, dude, full space. Neuter your animals. Yeah, exactly. I mean, just running for his life. He also didn't like dudes on the show because he knew that dudes wouldn't keep the viewers. He's like, I want hot chicks. You can tell that the thing kind of sways towards hot chicks. I mean, they're not pulling names out of a bucket. Again, I mean, like, guys. Are you all right? Yeah. Okay, cool.

1:42:57Brian Redban:I'm fucking with y 'all. Yeah, we're just talking about the prices. Right, sometimes we talk about things. You mad that it's not about you the whole time? Yeah, just a little bit. But no, I saw the documentary, too. You what? Documentary. I saw it. It was on Netflix. You were just on Netflix. Wow. Wait, have you visited Santa? Been visiting your place lately? Little bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and all about you over here. Scott Williams, motherfucker. Ty, what's a quality about you that we haven't heard about since you want to talk about yourself so much? We can't talk about The Price is Right for 20 fucking seconds.

1:43:34Brian Redban:Without you turning into an ignorant little baby. Go ahead. Take over, pal. No, I just want to say happy Mother's Day to other mothers and shit. Wow. What about fathers? How do you feel about Father's Day? I know my dad. I know my dad. Now, look at y 'all. I just wish he'd get deported, though. I ain't going to lie to you. He's from St. Lucia. He got a nutted shirt for every holiday. He got a what? Nutted shirt for every holiday. He came up here one winner with a long-sleeved nutted shirt. Nutted? Open-toed. Nutted shirt. Nutted. Nutted. Nutted. Nutted. Yes, Nutted. Nutted shirt. You know it's bad when the Asian woman is translating.

1:44:12Brian Redban:Nutted shirt. Nutted shirt. Nutted shirt. All right, Ty. Well, fun timing. That was Nutted shirt the first three times, right? Yeah, pretty positive. He wasn't even close. Yeah, Nutted shirt. Damn. He started off so good. Yeah, it did. It did. It's a shame. I was just about to get to that Price is Right thing. It's just a fun fact. A little something to go down a YouTube rabbit hole on. Then there was something else. What was the other thing? Yeah, racist for sure. Disgusted by black people. I mean, there was a different time when you could actually just show how you felt. Anyway. I'm kidding.

1:44:59Brian Redban:Ty, you already have a big joke book, right? Yes, sir. Perfect. There you go. sign up again sometime. We'll see you again soon. There goes Ty Rennard, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along.

1:45:15Brian Redban:Your next Bucket Bulls, David Kahn. Come on down, David.

1:45:26Real trap shit. If you don't hear their traps, this is not a true exclusive. Damn, son, where'd you find this? Did you guys ever download rap music illegally in the 90s? I wanted to sing a song for you guys real quick. This is dedicated to the man in the sky.

1:45:53Will they open up the gates

1:46:00for Bill Gates. Oh, they open up the gates.

1:46:32Shut your mouth. Get back in line. Don't you dare.

1:46:40Brian Redban:All right. Jesus Christ. Fuck. This is not the schizophrenic performer from tonight, somehow. Amazing. David, hello. How are you? Is this your first time on the show? Yes. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing whatever it is that that just was? I've played music for a living for a long time, but I've been doing stand-up for about a year and trying to combine them for a shorter period of time. What made you want to start stand-up a year ago exactly? What exactly was it about stand-up? What drew you to it? I've always been the class clown as a kid, and I feel like I've always told myself I would get into it, but I'm 36 years old, and I'm like, shit, if I'm not going to do it now, I'm probably lying to myself and I'm never going to do it, so I moved down here.

1:47:26How's it been going? It's been going great. I love it. I've been doing mics every day. I got to do the Mothership mic last year, and it went pretty well, okay, I guess.

1:47:37Brian Redban:What were you doing musically before? I still play music for a living all the time, like around town. You play acoustic guitar and you sing. Yeah, and not the Bill Gates song. I do covers of Bruno Mars and stuff. Right. Nobody pays me for the Bill Gates song yet. That makes sense. Do you exclusively make money playing music? I do. Okay. Yeah. Amazing. Where do you play around here? I play at the edge rooftop on the Marriott. I played at the culinary dropout in the Domain. Playing like a 17-year-old birthday party next weekend. A lot of Marriott references this episode. Yeah? A lot of, we've had a, yeah, anyway.

1:48:18Brian Redban:Amazing. What's the coolest thing that's ever happened to you while playing live music? I did an arena tour internationally around Europe in 2019, and one of the guys in the band was an Elvis bandmate. He did 1 ,000 concerts with Elvis. So I had a mutual bandmate with Elvis Presley for about three months and toured around Europe with that. That's cool. How did you end up doing arenas? What is that tour? They found me on the Internet. Believe it or not, I have one of the largest vocal ranges of anybody alive. Great. Let's hear it. You can find it. Okay. What's your highest? Let's start at your highest and go to your lowest.

1:49:02Luke, I am your father.

1:49:05Brian Redban:Amazing. That is the vocal range. Good job Kino on the lights there. Amazing. Was that good? I mean, nobody really cares about having a vocal range. You know, the best music's like one octave, like Kelly Clarkson, but if you're a nerd, you don't care. I mean, I could belt something out, but I was trying to do a whistle tone. There's a video of me doing some really nice Ariana Grande whistle tones. If you look me up on the internet, the people make... Can't do it now? Just do it now.

1:49:41Liar! I mean... I didn't warm up my wristwatch. I'm a bass. It takes me like an hour to warm that up.

1:49:49Brian Redban:That makes sense. Yeah. I could see how that would be. David Kahn, what else about your life? Tell us some more fun facts about your life that we might find interesting. What stands you apart from everybody else? I grew up as a big skater guy. I still skateboard a lot. Love it. What else? What else? Anytime people's answer is something on a board. I live in a van full time. I've done that for seven years. I've traveled from Canada all the way. I've driven to Cabo San Lucas. That was pretty scary. I almost got arrested by the police and I had to bribe them a couple times. Yeah, they do that down in Mexico, right?

1:50:25Yep, 28 bucks is a going rate. Wow. You didn't sing him a song?

1:50:34No, I'm trying not to go to jail.

1:50:37Brian Redban:Okay. David Kahn. How about your love life? What's that like? It's a failure right now. I was dating this girl. I actually had a joke. I was thinking about coming in and doing stand-up, but I'm like, maybe I should just sing a song. Because I was like, you're going to look at me as the singer now from now on, but really I'm trying to do stand-up too. But I had a joke about a girl I'm seeing. Why don't you do it like you would have done it if you did that? All right. Instead of the dog shit that you did. I appreciate it. Thank you. So I was eating out this girl I'm dating as of recently, and she doesn't shave, which is fine.

1:51:11but I ran into an issue when I was chewing a piece of gum. Key word, was. So it became this game of me trying to keep her right under organism, organism, orgasm, where she's just about to be distracted enough where I can extract these pieces of gum from her bush. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for her overly curious dog. You ever seen one of those before?

1:51:38Brian Redban:Alright, play more music, I'm sorry. All right, David. Fun times. Keep practicing and working at it. Here's a little joke book for now. There goes David Kahn. We're going to keep it moving. Got to keep moving. Woo. Some interesting ones. So far, for those of you keeping track, it is the schizophrenic old man that absolutely stole the night from all these artists that signed up here tonight. Let's see where we go from here. Make some noise for Will from Miami. It's Will from Miami is his name.

1:52:17Behold, four inches, everybody. Take perspective. It's a small cock, sure. It's a huge monster cockroach. That's four inches to fear in the bedroom. When you see one, you're not sure whether to feel worse, that you're truly living in filth, or that it's mogging you so badly as you do. Don't ask how I know, all right? I happen to know a lot of shit, and based on the shit that I know, Dubai chocolate sounds disgusting. It doesn't sound delicious at all. It doesn't help that it's green either. Anyway, people ask me if I'm gay, and I say no, but I've spent a lot of time with gay guys, so I'd be lying if I said none of them ever rubbed off on me.

1:52:55You know what I mean? Am I gay? I mean, I don't know. I've heard of bisexual erasure. I'm pretty sure that's what my brain does when I close the pornography tabs before bed. Good night, my twink prints. Anyways, I wanted to join the military when I was younger, but I couldn't in those days Apparently Uncle Sam wants you to be an alcoholic But like later when it's the VA's problem not the CO's anyways All right, Tony looked very disappointed.

1:53:24Brian Redban:Well, I mean The fact that you're looking at me since everything right now People out there third time going on a stage in any capacity so what made you choose this? I haven't taken it on the road yet. You know what I mean? So this, like your show, you mean? I feel like my, you know, because I've came out here to do it, I feel like my jokes, obviously, you know, they're not horrible. I mean, they could do some. You know your dick has more inches than laughs you just got. It's true. Yeah, I got that six-inch curly cute cockroach crawling around in my pants. It's true. What happened to the four-inch?

1:54:00Brian Redban:It got bigger? Did you just get hard? I've looked it up. There's no such thing as a six-inch cockroach. You're right. There's only... You get it up to four. I can't tell where the one joke ends and the other... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm doing my best. Check in with Chris O 'Connor. I just don't know what the fuck he's saying. I know. I have no idea what he's talking about. Well, that says something that you don't have the small cock. I mean... Okay, let's just... Not the issue. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The issue is the wire-to-wire just totally incoherent. Yeah. It's true. Nobody understands what the fuck you're talking about Do I sound like I have a speech impediment or something?

1:54:36Brian Redban:Not even, it's what you're saying That's the craziest part Is that you're actually one of the clearest speakers That we've had here up today It's everything that you're clearly saying I'm articulately retarded, I'm sorry No, no, no, we've had retarded people up They fucking killed tonight You can't blame it on that either Fair enough It's okay It's just not really the place to be doing your third ever open I understood the schizophrenic and the black guy from Baltimore way better. Yeah. Way better. And one of them needed a Chinese translator at one point. So imagine. Imagine. Okay, Will, let's at least find out more about your life.

1:55:15Brian Redban:Funny stuff that you could be talking about. Obviously, you are, Will, from Miami. You're wearing a Miami jersey. Unfortunately, yeah. Okay, why unfortunately? Because it's given me this toxic personality that is not enjoyable for people to experience. That's the realest thing that you've said since you got up. May I say a little bit to try to redeem myself in your eyes? I'm divorced. I don't get any pussy. I'm not... There you go. I'm doing my best. I'm devoid of confidence. I know how you get. This is what you should have said during the minute. I know. I think I'm too clever and I don't want to go...

1:55:54You're not.

1:55:54Brian Redban:You're not. See, there you go. You're sliding back into... It's an issue that is pervasive, probably. I'm not the only one who has this mistaken belief. Okay, whatever. You seem like a nice guy. I am. No, I'm not trying to be defensive. I'm just... I'm trying not to kill myself when I go home tonight. Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself. I'm not the only one who's a fucking loser. It's okay. You know what I mean? Okay, Will, relax. I'm relaxed. Just stop, stop, stop. Are you on Adderall or something right now? No, I don't even... No, I just... Okay, relax. Take a breath. Take a breath. Yes, just relax.

1:56:26What was the trip like from Miami? I mean, I was, like, cutting off people and driving on the shoulder and doing all these crazy maneuvers and stuff, and then when I got here, someone tried to kill me on the road, and I was feeling bad the whole time that I was doing all these maneuvers, but then when the guy was trying to kill me, I felt like maybe God was preparing me for this sort of Dark Souls encounter, Holy shit That I had the first or second day that I'm in Austin So I'm happy to be alive today I guess Will,

1:57:02Brian Redban:so let's talk about it How old are you? Thank you Michael, I appreciate it How old are you? I'm 32 32, what made you want to start stand-up now?

1:57:14You think, I don't got anything else going on really What have you been doing?

1:57:18Brian Redban:What do you do for work? Work, you name it, I've done it, sold it. But, you know, I've had every type of bullshit. You got simpler questions. Yeah. How? You can't.

1:57:35Brian Redban:This would be yes or no questions, basically. You got to go, what'd you eat for breakfast? Yeah. What did you eat for breakfast? When? What day? What day? Today. I didn't eat anything until I got the pizza. The Rappelos, God damn it. I'm drunk as well. You know, I'm doing my best. You're drunk? Well past the threshold you would typically allow, probably. What have you been drinking today? Just vodka since I got over there. Nothing. You got next door? How many do you think you've had? Did you do the deal with the pitcher or whatever? It's not important how many I've had. It's just the fact that I haven't had anything to eat, and I only drink on Mondays when I come through here.

1:58:12Brian Redban:You only drink on Mondays? Since I've been coming around here. How many times have you signed up for the show, Ballpark? Doesn't have to be an exact. Seven. Six or seven. Six or seven times. And you choose the day that you sign up. The only day that you drink is the day that you sign up for a show that you could be seen by millions of people. I would do way worse if not. I would do way worse if I was... That's absolutely impossible. It is unbelievably impossible. I've been doing this every Monday for 13 years. The mics... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I apologize. My bad. You know what? Maybe you should tonight.

1:58:44Brian Redban:Maybe tonight's the night. I should get... It's the reverse golden ticket. I apologize. Whatever the opposite of it is. It's a one-way ticket to hell. I'm kidding. It's a bad habit I got. I'm sorry. It's okay. What was the question again? There wasn't one this time. I've been doing these mics, and every mic that I've done, I totally forgot at least the material. And you think... Because I had a panic attack. And you think the drinking helps? I got through the material. I mean, but that's not... Obviously, you know, the material is bad. I mean, who knows if I came up here and I had good material.

1:59:23Maybe the alcoholism might have aided me. He's like the Woody Allen of Florida. I am Jewish. I'm half Jewish. You know.

1:59:38I do kind of get the sense he's got some good ideas in his head. he just can't get him out.

1:59:43Brian Redban:Do you have another joke that you didn't do today that might work? No. No, if these if these ones didn't work, then no way. Something. There's something. It's more good. Yeah. No, I mean, I got minutes, but they're gonna do as well as this one. How do you know what's funny if you've only done it three times? I've been only watching Rodney and Don Rickles on Johnny Carson for months and hours. That's all I do. You've exclusively been watching two of the best comedians of all time. I wake up and I put like a 3D thing. No, I'm just kidding. So, you know, I think I got a sense for it, but it clearly only so far.

2:00:25It only goes so far. I agree.

2:00:29Brian Redban:Much like everyone that has ever worn a Dolphins jersey, you took a big loss today, Will. Here's a little joke book. Oh, thank you. There he goes. Thank you, everybody. It's okay. Well, just keep trying. But you gotta practice. You gotta love it. You have to enjoy the process. Do more open mics. Jesus Christ. All right. Oh, my goodness. He just did it. Unbelievable. Shout out to the Austin Police Department for taking care of that for us. Welcome to Texas. This is our final bucket poll of the night. What a wild, what a wild. This is like live from Arkham Asylum tonight or something like that. Who knows what's going to happen next.

2:01:12Brian Redban:Your final Bucket Bowl of the night goes by the news. Looks like a good name. It's got good handwriting. Make some noise for Shaz Mee-mon. Shaz Mee-mon.

2:01:26Hello. My name is Shaz and I'm from Amsterdam. And yes, this is what the Dutch look like now.

2:01:39Now, I can see that some of you are looking into my face. I want to acknowledge that I have a very distinct look. I've had this mustache for the past 12 years, and in these 12 years, I have heard hundreds of comments that people have made. I've even ranked them. Like yesterday, this literally happened yesterday. I was walking around 6th Street, and a homeless guy called me a Middle Eastern Mario.

2:02:02I was recently in a meeting with a colleague, and as soon as I entered the room, He said, look, here comes the Indian Monopoly man.

2:02:13The best one, the best one so far I've gotten is I matched with a girl on Bumble. And her first message to me was, you look like your dad fucked a Pringles can.

2:02:30That was my time.

2:02:31Brian Redban:You've been a phenomenal audience. Thank you. What a showman. He dressed the part. He curled the mustache. A true professional. I'm not even used to it. Guy was just up here in a dolphin's jersey, three sizes too big, and then out comes a guy that's fucking at least ready for the occasion. A proper attire. Quite the gentleman. Looks like he'd build the World Trade Centers just to break them down again. Hey, can I say I am originally from Pakistan. Wow. Tell us something we don't know.

2:03:09Brian Redban:Amazing, Shaz. Welcome, welcome. So you're 100 % Pakistani? Well, yes. Amazing. Absolutely. It only works that way there. There's no fucking... There's no Draymond Greens coming into Pakistan. Muddying up the waters. You know what I mean? All right, Shaz. I love it. How old are you? How old am I? Yes. 33. 33. Great, Shaz. He's going to work at a Marriott.

2:03:38Brian Redban:jokes were great shaz how long you been on stand-up uh just about two years two years where at in amsterdam yeah awesome what made you start two years ago i was partying a lot and i was like i need to stop yeah i started doing hamsterdam is very close to the north pole yes i was stuck into the partying situation you were doing a little cocaine huh I can't imagine what that mustache looks like when it's covered in white. No. Amazing. So a lot of partying. Yeah. How'd you end up in Amsterdam? So I'm originally from Pakistan. From Pakistan, around 10 years ago, I moved to Australia. I studied there.

2:04:22Then around seven years ago or eight years ago, I moved to Amsterdam for work.

2:04:26Brian Redban:What's the job? I work in finance. Amazing. And you're doing good, aren't you? Unfortunately, yes. Yeah. That's fantastic. What do your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy? What do the Pakistanis think about you doing stand-up? Pakistanis? I don't know. Your parents, yeah. My parents? Well, they're okay with it. Okay. They like it. They don't understand a lot of it, but... They're still in Pakistan? They still live in Pakistan, yes. Amazing. Amazing. And you're a smart guy. Where'd you go to school? University of Sydney. Sydney, Australia? Yes. Amazing. You're so worldly. Tell us about your travels.

2:05:04Brian Redban:What do you love or hate about certain places? Oh, like Amsterdam. For example, if I talk about Amsterdam, everyone here just thinks it's about weed and prostitutes. It's not. There's so much more to it. Cocaine. Try the cocaine. Please, try the cocaine. Hell, yeah. Ho, ho, ho. Chris O 'Connor. Did you live close to bin Laden? Actually, no. I'm in the south and bin Laden was sort of in the north. They're like rival high school. The Browns versus the Browns. In a battle of the Titans. Tower one versus tower two.

2:05:49Brian Redban:Amazing. Shaz, I love it. You got a girl up in Amsterdam? No, I'm not dating because comedy, I do nine to five work and then five to nine comedy, I'm obsessed. So I travel around Europe and I do a lot of comedy. I don't have time to date. You don't even have time for girls. No. Just out of curiosity, does the carpet match the drapes or are your pubes curled up? I'm kidding. I'm joking. I know... It made me think. I thought maybe they are. You have a giant bush. I know the answer to this. There's no question about it. I'm brown. I'm hairy. I get it, buddy. I can't even imagine what you have going on down there.

2:06:25Brian Redban:I mean, I'm trying to imagine, but I just can't possibly. Probably.

2:06:32Brian Redban:Shaz, what else about your life? What are you into? Do you have any hobbies or anything else fun other than your obsession with stand-up and making vast sums of terrorist money? Well, I have... There's something interesting about me. My mustache actually has a name. It's called Jessica. Ooh, why is it called Jessica? When I was in Australia, I was at a party. It was a three-day festival, and this is a festival where there's no phone reception, 3 ,000 people, and everyone's high on LSD. So I was at this festival, and the second day of this festival, as I was walking towards the stage, there was a girl who was also high on LSD.

2:07:04She looked at my mustache, and she thought this was the most incredible piece of art she's ever seen. Her name was Jessica. She gave me a sneaky kiss, and she requested if I could name my mustache after her. So I've been calling it Jessica for the past ten years now.

2:07:16Brian Redban:Just because she gave you a kiss? Yes. I was desperate. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, Shez. If we got a girl up here to give you a kiss, would you change its name? 100%. Is there a girl out there? Let's get those red lights up.

2:07:38Brian Redban:Is this your girlfriend, sir? Shaz, I'll let you pick out of all the people with their hands up. There seems to be quite a lot out there. Her. The blonde in the back. Who would have guessed that he went with one of the not fat chicks in the crowd?

2:08:00Brian Redban:Here she comes, everybody. I'm sorry, you're very sweet. You've been amazing. There you go. Have some Zippics. Have some Zippics. Have a Sharpie. Have a little joke book. There you go. You have a great spirit, but... That'd be... Somehow that would be the lowest point of shit. Here you go. Sweetheart, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second. What's your name? Sabrina. Do you understand, Shaz? that after this, if this is a good kiss, your mustache from this day forward shall be named Sabrina. I don't know if I like the name Sabrina. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking.

2:08:41Brian Redban:This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me where we make dreams come true. Ladies and gentlemen, Sabrina, get that mustache. Wow. Amazing. Hell yeah. Good job, Sabrina. Thank you, Sabrina. Sabrina, how was it? Sticky? Sticky. Wow. Well, now you will sit on my face forever. Wow. Look at that. That is incredible. It's amazing. You got to kiss the girl from the hit show The Ozarks here today.

2:09:20Brian Redban:Sabrina, where are you visiting from? Chicago. Chicago, amazing. Do you work at the Marriott? All right, good job. There she goes, Sabrina. Sabrina, here's a Kill Tony Sharpie. There you go. Sweet. Sharpie. This show's so fun. I had so much fun doing it. Are you fired up? His dick looks just like his mustache. I'm in, I'm on... I don't have time for chicks. You're like, her!

2:09:49Her, I'm here now! Kiss me, I'll change, I'll do it! I am Muslim, man. and I'm probably going to hell. No, no, no.

2:10:00Brian Redban:That's what your parents would tell you. This was great. Thank you, Sabrina. Shaz, congratulations. You're a classy guy. Here's a big Kiltoni joke book. It'll go with your suit. Matches perfectly. That was fun. That was a fun way to put a ribbon on the bucket. We have one final comedian, ladies and gentlemen. He is an absolute force of nature. He is the newest regular on the show, and I gotta tell you, his momentum is absolutely unbelievable. He's truly becoming and has probably become, I think everybody's, me and Red Band's favorite comedian. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute. Toughest job in the industry to write and perform a brand new set every week on this show.

2:10:42Brian Redban:He does it unbelievably well. This is a freak of nature. Make some noise. This is a new minute from the great Pat O 'Neill, everybody. The real Neil Pat O 'Neill.

2:10:58Brian Redban:Folks, this first one's a question for the fellas in the room. Fellas, you ever have a girl tell you she's going to give you some sloppy head and think to yourself, no shit, fatty.

2:11:18Brian Redban:Only what you know how.

2:11:23Brian Redban:Hey, what can I say, folks? if loving fat girls is wrong, I don't want to be white.

2:11:34Brian Redban:Other night at the bar, I was talking to this girl who described herself as a light-skinned Latina, but I think what she really meant was a Spanish retard.

2:11:51Brian Redban:All right, that's all for me then. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

2:12:00Brian Redban:Perfect. Perfect, Pat. God damn it. You have such great jokes, Pat. Thank you, Tony. Unbelievable. My God. How's life going, buddy? Good, good. Last week was crazy. Yeah. People messaging me and stuff won't leave a fella alone. I know. It has happened. Just because he's on the TV now. Yeah. Yep. You made it, Pat. You're making it. You're living the American dream. How's life changed? Anything crazy happen?

2:12:37Brian Redban:Not really. Yeah, I don't know. Not really. Just like talking to people. Making some merch. Really? What's your merch? I don't know. You don't know yet? People keep telling me and offering it, and I'm like, I don't know. It's kind of funny that talking to people now is new. Talking to people, it's crazy. Talking? This did not happen. His whole life changed. Talking to people? Talking to people. Oh, yeah, talking to people willing to talk to you. That's what he's getting at. I got it. Pretty earth-shattering. Absolutely. It really is. Pat, you are one of the more frightening-looking guys that we've ever had on this show.

2:13:22Brian Redban:We get to see it every week, and every time you come out, it makes us all laugh, and it's just amazing. I've always said this about you since the first time I've seen you, that you look like a fucking comedian. Have you ever looked different? Did you look different before you started comedy? I was a fatty in high school. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. What was going on there? I don't know. Just a lot of ice cream. Yeah. Heck yeah. Divorced parents, and my dad would, like, do the thing where he gases you up with snacks and shit the one day he has you. How'd you lose the weight? I just...

2:14:03Your dad got one day in the custody battle?

2:14:08Brian Redban:Yeah. That's incredible. I feel like he's lucky to have that. Tell us about your parents. What were they like? How does a Pat O 'Neill come to exist? Yeah.

2:14:23Brian Redban:I don't know, they're fine people. You know what I mean? Seems like a subject worth of... Simple folk. Yeah. They still out there? They together? No, no, no, my dad's dead. Oh, okay. How did dad die? Liver cirrhosis. Oh, my God. He's a heavy drinker. Yeah, yeah. Wow. How old was he when he died? 40. We went over this one time. Wow, we did, huh? Yeah, yeah. So he would just drink all day, every day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, good. You got nothing to worry about. All right, perfect, yeah. I'm going fine. I'm always checking. If you notice, anytime anybody has anything with drinking or smoking, I get very, very curious.

2:15:04Brian Redban:Perfect. Amazing. How old were you when he died? Like 16. Oh, wow, that's a tough time, but that's how comedians are made? Mm-hmm. Yep, that's how a fucking jokesmith like you comes to mind. You know, when I have one of these pussy normal lives. Right, right. Yeah. exactly. Like having two parents, being born and raised in Miami. You know what I mean? These people. I love it, Pat. I mean, you are just a freak of nature. You bring nothing but absolute cackling laughter to the world, and again, we couldn't be happier to have you as a full-time regular on this show. Thank you so much, Arnie. Thank you, Pat.

2:15:40Brian Redban:The real deal. Pat O 'Neill to end tonight's episode. Guys, how much fun did we have tonight, huh? This episode brought to you by Bluetooth prize fix and ZipX. There you go. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebald is in. It's amazing. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all giggling away. Oh! Chris O 'Connor. How about one more time for the great Chris O 'Connor. Check him out in Raleigh, Detroit and his podcast, Stuff Island, with our dear, dear friend, Tommy Pope. Tickets for him on tour. ChrisOConnor.com. And how about one more time for one of my longest, best friends, Matt Edgar, everybody.

2:16:19Brian Redban:He's got a brand new podcast called Bomb Shelter. And that comes out on June 1st, so go check that out. What's Bomb Shelter about and what's going on there? I interview comedians and live performers like wrestlers and musicians on their worst bomb. Oh, I love it. And we just break it down. Well, you could have booked nine guests tonight after this show. I got a whole roster now. Yeah, amazing. Mr. Miami is going to be the next episode. One more time for Chris O 'Connor and Matt Edgar. So much fun stuff happening. Madison Square Garden coming around the corner in August. Make sure you get tickets for that.

2:17:01Brian Redban:If you're ever going to visit the great city of New York, you might as well do it on a weekend in which we are there at the greatest arena in the world, the most famous arena in the world for our third weekend in a row, Third year in a row doing MSG. It's absolutely ridiculous and so much fun. And it's because of you, the greatest fans on planet Earth. We love you, Red Band. Guys, give a shout-out to Tony Hinchcliffe. Come on, guys. Fuck yeah! I've done this guy for so long. I'm so happy for him. We love you, guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody!

2:17:52guitar solo

2:18:18Thank you.

2:18:44too!

2:19:06I'll see you on the next one.

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