#770 - TOM SEGURA + SHERYL UNDERWOOD

28:23And the way you were describing your girlfriend, I thought you was talking about the blind bitch. Because that's why I kept pointing back there. Are y 'all a comedy team or some kind of shit? No, I don't know her. And have you now or ever been a gay man? Never. Because I know you come harder when you stick the finger in the anal. Look at all the dick suckers know what I just said. right because you stick the finger in the ass and you do the real okay too much information because the blind guy is now tapping me on my shoulder but i i think i think you could you got to get better a better at it and who are you running these jokes by your girlfriend girlfriend yeah run it by somebody else other than her because she cares about you so she's not gonna say kill yourself right okay perfect advice absolutely correct i agree with the dr cheryl underwood's diagnosis let's check in with tom segura yeah i mean look man that

29:30that i mean it's okay it's you know it was it was rough you know that was rough everybody has rough sets the only thing that i would tell you that is crazy is that you were like i'll just Let's throw this together today. You know what I mean? Like, even if you've only been doing it for a couple years and twice a month, you should come to this prepared with, like, your best. Because this is a great opportunity. But you'll know, leaving here, that if you have other opportunities, you've got to come correct. And if you're going to run something by somebody like that, run it by a comedian who will be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

30:07Because it's just some anecdotal story. You know what I mean? Like, it was lacking because you threw it together today. You know, you could actually, if you ran that this week like six times, you would know, I'm fucking not doing that. I'd kill Tony. You know what I mean? So you have to just do the work. You want to do it, you got to do the work. You know you bad when white men turn on you. The black woman was trying to help you, but the white dudes turned on you. But I would say be careful running it by a comic because a really good comic could take that material and make it great. So try to like what I do.

30:46I say things around people naturally. And if they laugh, then it's a keeper. If they don't laugh, then you got to go back and restructure the joke and get some joke books and study your favorite comedian's mechanics. Not the material, the mechanics, because what you need is stage presence. Bad material with great stage presence leads you to better material. That's true. Great advice. And here's one of those little joke books so you can get started. You can write one joke at a time on each page. There goes Max, everybody. Max Imum. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here.

31:24One minute uninterrupted going to Nilo Mack, everybody. Here comes Nilo Mack.

31:35Man, that was the perfect intro music, guys. Thank you very much, Trailer Hinch. It is Nillimack. I thought I had a better chance with a stupid fucking name. Lately, I've been reflecting on the golden age of American advertising. You know, when nice, gently-dressed white folks explained, if you've got a fucking problem at your house, here's a fucking thing that will help you deal with your fucking thing, and this will help you better than the other fucking things. and then the husband comes down for a cup of coffee thank you honey this coffee tastes like absolute shit you stupid fucking bitch I thought we already had this conversation twice this country will be great again one day damn it there is a man commercials today it's just a bunch of dancing black folks how did that happen how the fuck do you need to do something wrong I'm sorry, my bad.

32:33Look at this, dancing block play. I thought I was at the movies. I thought I was at the movies. Uh-oh. You know, what's for the spin cycle? What's for the spin cycle? Tumble dry. Okay. Do you need financing on an all-new certified pre-owned Hyundai Sonata? Good credit, bad credit, no credit, no problem. Hop aboard the Soul Train, lay down the plane. All right, we got you. Hold on, all right. All right. Neela Mack, hold on. Damn. Okay. Okay, let's take it one step at a time here, because I don't think I understood anything you said the entire time. Damn. So the first thing was you said your name, and you said that you thought you'd have a better chance with a weird name.

33:11What does that mean? Explain to us all what you mean. I don't know. My regular name's not very good for comedy. My first name's Joel, so. How many times have you signed up as Joel? I've been signing up as Joel for like a year and a half. For a year and a half, and you haven't gotten pulled? No. And you think because you changed your name to Neela Mack with the Instagram handle Joel Tyree, you think that because my hand went in there and you picked just a different fake name that it got pulled like that. Oh, yeah. It's the good juju, baby. Okay. Well, jujus, I do believe, run show business. But from what I've been told.

33:49I wasn't here. I wasn't here. I wasn't here. I wasn't here. Somebody else was here. I wasn't here. Michael Blackston was here. I wasn't... I love that you said Blackston. Michael Blackston. We do have the Klan in Missouri, but Sundown's different. It's all Daisy Dukes and Showtune. Nothing you say makes any sense. Yeah. No. No. No, it doesn't. We're trying our best here with you. So can I call you Joel from here on out? Sure, go ahead. That's your actual name? So, Joel, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years. There's all of it here in Austin, Texas? Yeah. What do you do for a living?

34:29Oh, well, right now I make donuts. Well, looks like you're getting high on your own supply, my friend. Oh, no, right? Holy shit. Pretty sure you're on your way to type 2 diabetes. Yeah. What do you want to lose, buddy? I'm so smart. I'm a doctor, basically. Oh, yeah. Are you pregnant? Are you pregnant? Red Band, yeah. Red Band. With a big one, where's your good joke sound effect? Come on, let's do it. When Red Band gets a special sound effect, come on, where is it? He's so bad at his job, he doesn't even know where it is. Come on. All right, good enough. That'll work. How long you been making donuts for, Joel?

35:17A couple months. Okay, and what made you get into the donut industry? Well, I got... I used some savings, and I booked a few of my own gigs at, like, podunk little biker bars, you know, kind of between Houston and Dallas. I didn't fill the seats, so I just kind of ran myself broke. It looks like you'd be good at filling seats. Yeah. So, now you're in the donut industry. Can you tell us something that would surprise us about making donuts? No. I'm not actually hired yet, boy. What? I am unemployed. Anybody hiring? So wait, you don't make donuts for a living? No. I lie. Whoa, crazy. Okay, can you tell us anything real about you?

36:02Well, I am from Missouri. Okay. I used to work in a factory, now I don't. How long have you been unemployed for? Well, a few months. Okay, how much money do you have saved? Maybe like$1 ,500. What's your rent? Like 900. How do you survive? Well, I got a few things to sell. Like what? Booty hoe. Tempur-Pedic.

36:29Damn. I'm sorry, I ain't gonna say shit else to you, because you look like a motherfucker that will kidnap a bitch and wear my skin. Lesson record show I would not do that. I was wondering, did the blind bitch grow a beard backstage? but I'm going to say shit else to you. Oh, be careful. If I don't make my plane Wednesday, I'm a hostage. This is my fucking shot. Joel. Just be careful. If I take my girdle off and get the iguana eyes going. Wow, Joel, you are out of your mind. Holy shit. God damn. Okay, so I'm trying here, Joel. What are you selling in order to stay alive and make your rent? In real life, without lying, with an unfunny lie.

37:16Yeah, exactly. Right. Try your best, just to be honest. It's a Tempur-Pedic mattress. You're going to sell your mattress. Yep. And then what would you sleep on? I guess the floor. Wow. That's your plan right now? Yep. A well-broken-in Tempur-Pedic mattress. Barely used, but with this ass. Okay. All right. Well, I mean, we're just going to keep it moving along here. Here you go. Have a great night. You too, Joel. Here's a little joke book. You're going to love it. There you go. It's okay. All right, there goes Joel, everybody. All right, the bucket is rough so far. We've been on this journey before.

37:55It's a real show. Anything can happen. Every regular, every Golden Ticket winner was found out of this bucket. Anything can happen. Your fourth bucket pull of the night on a night of rough bucket pulls so far goes by the name of Blix Hanson, everybody. Here we go.

38:14Hello, everybody. So, pepper spray sucks. Especially when it explodes in your sex toy drawer. Yeah, it's no good. You can imagine how my shade of white would handle something like that. Not very good. But luckily, it wasn't one of my toys. It was one of her toys, and it was a butt plug. Unfortunately, we didn't catch it in time. It was the worst or best episode of Hot Ones you've ever seen. Because she's on top and she's like, What's wrong? Something burns! Something burns! But I knew exactly to go for that glass of milk right away. So, I got that. And a turkey baster. And, um, yeah. She downed that milk pretty quick and I did have to get her a second glass.

39:10It was a bad night. and that's my time. I'll give you this. You did exactly 58 seconds. That's good. Time was good. You had exactly one funny moment in the mix, which, believe it or not, is better than the three people that were on in front of you. I'll take it. Incredible. So that really happened? That genuinely happened. Wow. So just out of curiosity, what's in your drawer of sex toys? How is pepper spray in the mix exactly? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm from Maryland. Okay, that answers all the questions. There you go. That's all I needed to know. Now we all picture it. All right. No, go ahead. Tell us more.

39:50And I moved to New York, was in New York for five years, always felt safe. But then when I moved back to Maryland, I moved to Baltimore. Oh, shit. It has a reputation. Yeah, that was what I fell asleep to. But I didn't feel safe in Baltimore at all. Couldn't sleep for the first six months. So I took pepper spray and mounted it on a place on a wall on all three floors just in case. You lived in a three-story place in Baltimore? Brown home. What? Brown house. Brown house. Brown stone. Brown stone. Okay. But. What do you do for work? One was. I change things on the internet for a living. Interesting.

40:34Yeah. Like what? What do you change? Anything that people pay me to change. So I manipulate algorithms for a living. So if you want to show up at the top of Google for something, I can do that. Or if you want to show up not at all on Google, I can do that. Interesting. All right. That makes sense. So I can see the whole Internet search history. Okay. So are you a white hat? Are you considered a white hat? Are you a good guy? White hat is a long-term thing. I'm gray hat. Yeah. I'm not. Yeah. So I'd like to think I'm light gray. What is a white hat and a gray hat? I can't say it in front of him.

41:12He'll wipe out my whole identity.

41:17That'd be really hard to do. You're just the one with Kevin Hart. Listen. Well, let me tell you what. I thought your material was interesting because I could see where you were going. And that's the key to telling provocative stories like this. you gave me the feeling of you're like the boss at the job who fucks the staff so that they can get promotions and you'd be like, you want me to do what? Yeah, manipulate people. For sure. I got that too. That's what I felt. It's primarily just me. How long? How long have you been doing stand-up though? What did you say? How long? Oh, this is the first time ever.

41:54Wow. Look at that. That's incredible. Really? Amazing. Yeah. I swear. That's incredible. Yeah. No shorts. You can't wear shorts. Ever again. Okay, never again. You're one and done. That's your only reason you're getting away with it. You cannot do that. I appreciate it. It's offensive to everybody. What was the movie that Kevin Spacey was in where he was the creepy father? That's you. That's you. That's what you make me feel. You are the creepy father. I don't want to have anybody get Kevin Spacey vibes from me. I know you're right over roast. He had a big drawer of sex toys, too, it turns out.

42:38He had a reputation in New York. For what? So before I went full-time in marketing, I was in Michelin star restaurants. And there was a reputation among servers that they get propositioned. Male servers got hit on by Kevin Spacey. That makes sense. Yeah, financially, yeah. What do you mean financially? Like bribing. This for that. But that's just hearsay? Just cheers. It's okay. Come on. Kevin's had a fucking hard enough time. Let's not break it. Yeah, exactly.

43:11So let's get back to the pepper spray and the sex toys. You have pepper spray on all three floors. And the booty hole. Burning with the milk and the booty hole. Yeah. Okay. So how did the pepper spray get on the butt plug? So where it was mounted, it was behind the headboard. And unknowingly, that had been jostled loose. and the person that I was with at the time picked it up off the floor and put it in the nightstand, which also... And your plan, let's just say there was an intruder in your three-story home and they made it all the way up to the third story. You grab the pepper spray behind the headboard and spray them.

43:46And now you're getting the shit beat out of you by a guy that's all spicy and hot and very mad. And then what would you possibly do after he completely beats the shit out of you and is taking a shower in your shower. No, you would be hot from the pepper spray after his hands that have been sprayed beat the shit out of your face because he would immediately grab you. And since you're wearing shorts, we know. It probably would be like reliving that night all over again. Yeah. All right. Did you ever get assaulted or anything? No, the pepper spray kept him all away, huh? Yeah. That was more for her because she could use that shotgun.

44:23You had a shotgun. Oh, very good. There we go. So that makes more sense. So you never had no danger in Bodymore? You never had a problem? It was like six months after I left that house, it got broken into. No, that's not a problem for you. You're fucking gone. Yeah, I was gone. Was there ever a time in which you heard a little racket downstairs and you grabbed the shotgun and kind of sat there, pointed it at the door? Yeah. How many times do you think that happened, Baltar?

44:53Plenty of times. Out of five years? At least half a dozen. Wow. But, like, I was also fortunate. I had a little garden in the back. And that caused a lot of noise because Baltimore has rats. Ah. Not as big as New York. Right. Got it. Yeah. There's the sound of a rat for those of you wondering what that was. You in Baltimore, one of the blackest cities in the world. Yeah. You was living in Baltimore. Yeah. So either you're an insurance man or an undercover cop. Which one are you? what do you think whoa wow I already told you I mess with the internet I just think you're fascinating I think you're oddly fascinating and I would say not stand up acting acting yes I think you're a quirky personality that could be a great actor but stand up I'd reenact the pepper spray butt plug on your next season no no no first of all You're not going to shoot pepper spray toward a black person and you're not sticking nothing in my butt.

46:00Not you! I was talking about... You want me to... I don't think that made a better... I'm sorry! I thought you were looking at me, but really you were not you. How did I get the fucking buck plug? And a pepper spray. You've done worse on your show. Your baker is great, by the way. Oh, thanks, man. It is true. Yeah, just throwing up. Good plug for the bakery. Thank you. Something I found out on the internet, you get around 250 ,000 searches a month for Tony Hinchcliffe. Red Band gets around 10 ,000. Okay. What's your point? Something just to set straight to everybody, you get more people that inquire if you're gay than Red Band does altogether.

46:49Right. Definitely. I could have told you that. You should have started with it. That's very funny. That's what you should have started with. That shit right there. That's how you do it. That is true. No, it's true. If you go with, if you said up front, I literally manipulate things on the internet and study the internet for a living. And a fun fact, da-da-da-da, like talking about what you know is what stand-up kind of is. So there's a little fun fact. You got that big genuine laugh for a reason. There's a medium joke. Thank you. And there goes Blix Hanson, everybody. Our best bucket pool of the night with exactly one half of a punchline in 60 seconds.

47:26It is incredible. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Keeping us hydrated and everything in place. Stunning. Check out her podcast at HeidiRegina.com. And a special shout-out to Dylan and the team at Sportsman Finest. They gave us a brand-new Kilt Sony gun. You guys might notice this is brand new. They make premium outdoor sporting goods right here in Austin, Texas. This is a brand new golden Colt Python gun. How exciting is that? You guys are the first crowd to lay eyes on the newest Kill Tony gun. Check him out. Sportsman's finest here in Austin. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chris Longoria, everybody.

48:08Here we go.

48:14Man, so I recently went through a breakup. Been going through a dry spell since then. Met a woman recently, the most beautiful Filipino I've ever met in my life. To my surprise, she came up to me, started asking me questions. Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you. Do you have any kids? I need to stop with the accent. Red man's getting horny over there. And then she asked me out on a date. But then I realized she asked me if I was from here, and I was like, damn, she might be an undercover ICE agent. so I panicked but I did take her up on this date like I said I was on a dry spell on this date she kept asking questions so you said you were from here how long have you been here were you born here I started getting really scared at this point but then I was really high and I realized that she wanted to use me for my green card and I panicked so I proposed to this woman she's gonna get real pissed off when she finds out i'm not legal either that's right ling ling we have to figure this shit out together now it's longoria pushing it to the limit welcome chris fun stuff thank you how long you been on stand-up uh two and a half years two and a half years we're at corpus christi texas very nice there's a scene out there in corpus christi we've all been there we've all toured out there i've heard good stories about you hitting up corpus So, yes, sir.

49:45You got arrested. Well, no, I didn't get arrested. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We, me and my friend got, I've talked about this on the show before. Because you're being gay, right? Yes. They thought we were gay. They thought me and my good friend, Matt Edgar, were gay. Yeah. And they did arrest the headliner that we were opening for because he's like, hey, those are my buddies. What the fuck are you, what are you kicking them out of a Whataburger for? And the cop's like, if you say anything else, we're going to arrest you. And he's like, fuck that. These are my friends. I'm taking them to their first Whataburger trip.

50:14And he's like, you're under arrest. Long story short, we found out the next day the chief of police of Corpus Christi called my buddy because he was friends with the chief of police. And he goes, what's going on? Why did they kick my two friends out? And he said, well, the officer said a couple of were wrestling around in the line at the Whataburger. Yeah, that was the exact line. We were on speakerphone in the car cracking up. Our buddy's like, shut up, shut up. You just got arrested for being a fan? No, no. Again, we didn't get arrested. We got kicked out of the Whataburger. They were like, get him out of here.

50:46Our buddy got arrested for basically defending the f***s that were in the Whataburger. I was one of the f***s. What probable cause did they have to think that you were gay? Trust me, I felt like you for a second in that Whataburger. I'm like, this is what it's like. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. I also heard a rumor that they were going to arrest Cheryl's husband, but he jumped off before they could. All right, you're not making jokes like that. I was on your side. Sorry, Sheryl. I had to. No, you killed it at the roast. I just had to show you how you killed it. You did too, Tony. Y 'all are fucking hurt.

51:21Shut up. Are you Latin? Yes, sir. Yes, ma 'am. Yes, ma 'am. Yes, ma 'am. Oh, my God. No. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll take it. I'll take that. What type of Latin man are you? I was born and raised here in America, but family from Spain and from Mexico as well. Okay. Okay. I was just checking to see what you was. And then is it true that a Filipino woman was trying to approach you? Yes. Oh, okay. Well, I would say I thought you were very interesting when you walked out because you had a confidence to you. Appreciate that. I'd like for the material to rise to the occasion and meet you in that confidence.

52:01Tell the story faster because you don't have a long time to keep the audience attention. because I didn't understand where you was going, but I knew it was something about immigration. And you could do it, but you took too long to get there. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. Is this something you really want to do, or are you just fucking around? I'm obsessed with this. And you've been doing it for two years? Yes, ma 'am. How do you make money, Chris? I deliver packages. See, wait, wait. See, the first thing I thought was a bunch of motherfuckers in an 18-wheeler sweating. But then I was like, don't say it, Cheryl.

52:40Because you said you deliver... Packages. Oh, okay. I used to install security systems, but it really didn't work with me trying to do gigs and stuff. This really works with me. Who the fuck would let you put a security system? Surprising, right? Surprising. People, when I knocked on the door and be like, hey, I'm the guy that's installing the security system, they're like, you're the one that's going to rob me after, aren't you, motherfucker? There you go. Thank you for following me. See, you got it in you and you got the skill and the instinct. Now get the material to match the skill and the instinct.

53:14Yes, ma 'am. You're not bad at this. You can do it. Appreciate that. Thank you. No, I mean, what Cheryl said is about like, especially when you're telling a story, if you have a minute, like you're the thing you said at the end should be like at the 22nd mark. OK, I mean, because you just don't have you don't have enough time. Yeah. So you got it. You got to just move it along. And there's a whole part of that that I had to cut out to even get to that. Right. Right. but if you have the minute, you know you've got to move quicker. You've got to keep cutting. Cut, cut, cut. Absolutely. Chris, why do you have crazy eyes?

53:41Are you on Adderall or something? You have big, crazy, goofy eyes. What are you on right now? They are fucking scary. I've been signing up for this for two years, and I'm really nervous. This is your first time on? Yeah. One guy signed up for a year and a half, one guy signed up for two years. But even the whites above your pupil are showing. That's why. Yeah. You're on nothing, Adderall? I smoked a little bit of weed to calm down. Okay. Also, you did something that some Latin people do. You're like, I got family from Spain. I do. I do. My dad says they're all from Spain. I'm like, you're bull.

54:15Wait, but where's your dad from? Mexico. We all know the answer. He doesn't know his dad. Hey, listen. You're a fucking Mexican, dude. Tom. Absolutely. I'm a little too dark. You look like you're from Spain. I look like I'm from Mexico. I fucking, because you are, goddammit. Yeah, you really are. Pinche pendejo, mentiroso, mexicano. Mentiroso. No, Sam. All right, you caught me, you caught me. I'm in España, concha tumares, mexicano. You're right, you're right. And you're leaving here with a medium-sized brown joke book, just as brown as you are. There he goes, Chris Longoria, everybody. Let's get a Golden Sega winner up here real quick.

55:05ladies and gentlemen. We have one waiting in the wings. This guy, originally from England, is just so different than everybody else that we like his style and every once in a great while he graces us with his extremely dark jokes. Make some noise for the return of Sir Winston Pickles, everybody.

55:36Well, I'm heading to Boston next Monday, and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do. She suggested we do the marathon. I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker bomb.

56:01I was at the supermarket over the weekend and it dawned on me. You know what you don't see at the supermarket these days? Nancy Guthrie.

56:16I'll tell you what you do see Fucking toddlers There was this annoying toddler His parents were oblivious to what he was doing Wandering around He starts running towards me and my shopping cart Now I could have been the good guy and moved out the way But no, I thought I'm going to teach this little bastard There are consequences for running around at the store Boy did he collide with my shopping cart His glasses came off, my Coca-Cola's popped the caps it's okay though he'll be good he was wearing one of those white plastic helmets

56:52sir winston pickles absolutely doing what sir winston pickles does at his best absolutely dress for the job you want a man fully prepared never in shorts always 100 100 % spectacular, a true showman, and unbelievably executed, dark, your brand of jokes, right down the barrel. How do you feel, Sir Winston Pickles? I'm just happy to be here, Tony. Absolutely. Fantastic stuff. Loved the jokes. That's all good. The Nancy Guthrie really got me. Loved that. Real misdirect there. Did not see that coming. What's your process, Sir Winston Pickles? Do you write in the makeup, or do you write? A bit of both, Tony.

57:36I normally write jokes while I'm at the supermarket, believe it or not. Yeah. This fucking material's just gold. Right. No, it happens. There's a lot going on at the supermarket. I very rarely get a chance. Do you go to the actual supermarket or do you just... Of course I do. You do? Almost four times a week, bro. Wow. You're something else. All right. Sir Winston, how's America treating you? Have you gone back to England recently at all? Not recently, no. Okay. I'm actually trying to get back down to my ideal fighting weight. Oh, yeah? But my ideal fighting weight is 10 pounds, 8 ounces. Oh. When I was a maternity ward boxing champion, 1965.

58:15All right. Okay. That's a wacky one. That was a wacky one there, Sir Winston Pickles. I still have my gloves to. Whoa.

58:29Absolutely hilarious. Michael Gonzalez could fit into those right now. Look at the little guy back there. Look at him. Don't let that hat confuse. He's a little fellow. All right. Sir Winston, what else is going on in the world? What else should we know about? Is that a new suit? Have you always had the Sir Winston custom suit and I just missed it? Yeah, every suit has these logos. Oh, amazing. Yeah, you're killing it, dude. What else is going on in the world? Anything else crazy we should know about? Well, now I'm in Texas. I got to visit the Alamo finally. Oh, tell us about that. Well, the selection of vehicles sucks.

59:00I'm going to Enterprise next time. Ah! Boy! He is on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look who's back. Hello. So, Sir Winston, anything else we should know about? What else is going on in the world? I'm thinking of going back to England for a visit to my family, but it's a bit crazy out there right now. It really is. That's what they're saying. They wanted to appear to be open to absolutely anything. They wanted to make it look like anyone can come here. We're just the best. Come on in. The doors are open. And explain to the people what happened to beautiful London, England. Well, it's a shithole, basically.

59:45That's what happens when you don't have proper process. Yes. They just let anybody in. I mean, they'll let me back in, so. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Have you guys been to London recently? You been to London, Cheryl? A while ago. And I had a great time. Yeah. You know, they had their meat out in the open, hung upside down. You know, rabbits and all kind of shit. Oh, yeah. I had a cut dime. It was fun. It was fun. Oh, hell yeah. And then I went to the palace and hung out, you know, outside. They didn't let a bitch in. Right. Yeah. I had a good time. But y 'all, fish and chip. What's up with the mashed green peas?

1:00:23What's up with that? Mashed potato, mushy peas. The mushy peas. Oh, very good. Can I tell you something? I got nothing because I thought you were very, very good. I was kind of concerned about that Nancy Guthrie joke, but I think you have now taken the Tony Hitchcliffe Award for inappropriate material at the wrong time. That is a good award to have. Right, yes, yes. But I thought what you did was very good, and it was written well, and all of this works. All of this. Don't change anything. Don't let nobody tell you, take this shit off, take this shit off. this fucking works. And I thought you did very, very well.

1:01:01Thanks very much. Can I just say something, Tony? Yes. When I met Cheryl earlier, her hair was flat to her head. Then she saw me. Oh, I see. Yes, shocking. Sir Winston, great jokes. I mean, just on brand darkness, you got it. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. That is one of the golden ticket winners, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles. and back to the bucket we go. Where we found Sir Winston Pickles. Where we found all the greats. Anything can happen. Make some noise to your next bucket pool. Ronnie Fryer, everybody. Here comes Ronnie Fryer.

1:01:42Make some noise if you're superstitious. Shit, I guess just me. I don't get what's up with the black cats. What makes them bad luck, right? Like, if you seize it, it's bad luck. if it crosses the street is a bad look. All I do is whenever I see a black hat, I think, there goes the neighborhood.

1:02:15Believe it or not, I said that joke one time and a lady called me racist. You would not be saying that if you saw my search history, lady.

1:02:30Latinas and Asians.

1:02:37Sorry, baby.

1:02:46All right, Ronnie. Great stuff. Thank you. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. To everyone. It's a big day for the two-year class today. Where at, Ronnie? Corpus Christi, baby. Whoa, you're from Corpus, too? Do you know Chris Longoria? I actually do know Chris Longoria. That's one of my day ones. Amazing. Did you guys drive here together? No, sir. I actually live here. Oh, amazing. Yeah, I moved up about a month ago. Oh, sweet. Fucking incredible. For comedy, love, and rock and roll, man. We got it all here. What are you doing for work here in Austin? Okay, and I came for comedy.

1:03:22Yeah, but how do you make... How do you make a living? No plan B. Yeah. Had a little bit of money before I came here. How did you make your money? Ironically, I worked at fucking Enterprise, dude. Wow. Amazing. Pickles the Clown was right. And you saved up enough money to move to Austin. Yeah. Are you making money doing comedy here? I mean, no. Right. Yeah, exactly. So what's your living situation? Explain to these people what it's like chasing your dreams here in Austin. Every Monday I come up to Kill Tony, and usually when I don't get pulled, I go stay the night at Bucky's, dude. Fuck yeah, the gas station in Texas.

1:04:05Yeah? Yeah. Okay, what else? How about the other six days a week? Dude, I've been Airbnb-ing it lately. Okay. And then hotel hopping, just trying to—came to Austin for comedy, so this is what I'm here for. Have you thought about settling down and finding a roommate or something like that since you're living off of saved rental car money? Have you thought about pumping the brakes on all the fancy hotels and Airbnbs and perhaps being more fiscally conservative? I don't know if you think the Super 8 is fancy, sir, but... No. I mean, you know, time and a place if something comes available, you know.

1:04:43But I'm here to do comedy. I got plans and goals, and that's what I'm here for. So it's just like I don't want to get stuck in the lease long term, you know. Okay. Just never know where comedy is going to take you. Okay, perfect. Staying light on your feet. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Any hobbies or interesting fun facts about Ronnie Fryer? So this is going to sound cool. In my past, I knocked up a stripper. Ah. That sounds so cool. we all wish we did that what could possibly go wrong same thing I was thinking and then what happened and then what happened and then let's see about three months old I was left with my son and you know she went and lived her whole life she went on lived her own life and I've been raising my son by myself that's amazing How long now?

1:05:43He's nine now. Wow. So for, now, that's incredible. Thank you. That is, that's amazing. Cheryl, that's called being a single father. That's something you may have never heard of. Wait a minute. It's like something you've never seen. It's like Bigfoot, a white single father taking care of their child in an Airbnb. Go ahead. that's the kind of dick we want am i right ladies that's what we want where's your boy where's your kid uh my son's grandma's watching him so okay oh that's real he's at the fucking super eight yeah right exactly dad of the year i didn't know no you know what you have you have great stage presence it's great when you walked out like i was like oh this guy's been doing it a while like you have great stage presence and your jokes were great dude that was very funny That was very, very funny.

1:06:37You got to just do a ton of open mics. You got to do all the mics and all the shows you can get on. Yes, sir. Let me ask you a question because I find it all so intriguing. Is the former stripper ever part of the kid's life? No. She's in prison right now. Okay. What did she go to prison for? What did she do? What did she do? Fucking arm robbery. Wow. Amazing. Fucking cock. Amazing. What do you know? This is great. What do you know about the armed robbery? Can you describe the details of what you know? So allegedly. Allegedly. Convictively. Yeah, yeah. How'd she plead? How'd she plead? Guilty. Gotta plead that shit out.

1:07:23Yeah. So she, someone owed her money, and her and her friend decided to rob him and cash out herself money. Wow. What's her Instagram? All right. Cat-Con Red Band. That's a crazy question. Can I tell you something? That's the show. That's the sitcom. That's the sitcom. Nobody can say you stole that shit from them. That's the show. That you knocked up a stripper, you keep the baby, and she robbed somebody to get money. I'd watch that shit every motherfucking day. Yeah. True. Thank you, thank you. She was a top ten Corpus Christi most wanted. so there was that wow how long was she eluding the police oh dude too long i was like what the fuck you guys gotta do a better job yeah she's at the strip club on a pole was she really on the run which yeah yeah how long uh fucking like i would say six months to a year damn yeah yeah do you know where she was hiding uh she got caught on a ferry wow oh wow yeah she was on top of me in the area or at like somewhere else in uh corpus oh in corpus wow look at that fucking marshals are after you that's fucking cool incredible and then when she dropped off your son at three months old what did she say i just can't do this anymore i can't do that like what was the type of verbiage that she used oh you know she didn't want to be with me and you know she wanted to go uh Go explore other options.

1:08:57Right. So, and, you know, do what girls like that do. And what have you learned by having your own nine-year-old? Do you guys bond a lot? Like, how often do you keep them with your mom? So, I raised them for the first seven years. And then, you know, I was playing mom and dad. And then, you know, I needed to find something else for myself, like, right, besides. Right. So this kid's been abandoned twice. Amazing. Unbelievable. I mean, my goodness. No. Maybe he's a single black father after all. We thought he was a white father. Sure, they do call me white chocolate. Amazing. Amazing. I like how you really took in the applause about you being a great dad.

1:09:49I'm a great dad. I know. And then you're like, a couple of years ago, I let him go. No, your mom is a great dad. That's what's happening. It's baby mama's grandma. Okay. Baby mama's grandma. The plot thickens. Wow. Her grandma. It's her grandma? Yeah. In Corpus? Yes, sir. All right. Wow. Okay. How often do you talk to this kid? Every day. I just drove back today. Okay. I see him every other week. I'm a good dad, despite what Tom said.

1:10:26Hold on. He's nine. I've been raising him since he was three months. And everybody was like, you're the fucking dad of the year. When he was seven, I gave him to his fucking grandma. Amazing. Ronnie Fryer, you had a great set, great interview. That's what it's all about, buddy. There's a big joke. Hell yeah. All right. Now we're cooking. One more time for Ronnie Fryer, everybody. And this show goes on. I do believe this is... He's inside or he's back there? Okay, this is representing the audience tonight. This guy was inside and signed up. Make some noise for G-Pow, everybody. Here comes G-Pow.

1:11:20I know I look like I build benches and stress test them with my ass.

1:11:30I know I look like a carpenter's sleep paralysis demon.

1:11:37What do you mean there's a weight limit?

1:11:45I'm getting to the size now where my clothes have no name brands anymore. These suspenders, guys, you've seen them holding down a dresser in the back of your buddy's Tacoma. Come on.

1:12:05these are load-bearing guys come on i've been trying to do something about it i've been going to overeaters anonymous you know it's like aa for you know beautiful people it's not working it's really not working fuck perfect it's really not you did it first visit guys they give you a gold coin as a commemorative thing and I immediately tried to pull the foil off the outside of it not for me G-Pow G-Pow G-Pow

1:12:43wow what a set welcome my friend thank you Hell yeah, those suspenders are indeed working right now. Those are functional as it gets. I mean, just amazing. G-Pow, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 18 months now. Okay, hell yeah. Amazing. You're doing fantastic. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I started up in New Jersey, and then I moved down here about eight months or so. Nice. What made you start now? How old are you? I'm 33. What made you start at 32? Honestly, I got a great girlfriend, and she's the one who said, you know, you might just be funny enough to do something.

1:13:28I love that. Amazing. So she moved down here with you? Yeah, she did. And I'm in a unique relationship, guys. You guys know what an age gap relationship is? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So again, I'm 33, and there's 17 years between us. Wow. Yeah, so she's not 16. you fucking that's what the fuck i thought i'm dating a 50 year old woman guys come on wow i'm sorry i thought you was dating a 16 year old look at that what's it like being with a 50 year old woman oh god if you guys haven't done it you should do it tell us about it what's it like that's a great time because you know like young girls are so fucking needy you know and she cooks good if you can't tell so wait a minute wait a minute are you telling me you are fucking a 50 year old black woman is that what you're talking uh I mean her exes were black so she got the seasoning somewhere hell yeah great answer G pal great answer G pal what do you do for work I work at Trader Joe's.

1:14:46Whoa, look at that. What the hell are you doing at Trader Joe's? Samples, can you tell?

1:14:56Amazing. Amazing, G-Pow. Incredible. And how about her? What does the 50-year-old do? Tony, you're going to love this. Oh, yes. Let's go. H-E-B. Wow. The true Texas Superstore. My goodness. I mean, does that cause any conflict in the household? The rivalry between H-E-B and Trader Joe's, it looks like you're winning both stores. No complaints here. You look like the boss at the end of H-E-B, the video game. This is incredible. So, G-Pow, what are you eating? Take us through, like, a day. What are some of your guilty pleasures? What do you got going on over there? My girlfriend hates this, but she'll tell me there's dinner at home, and I still stop at Pete Terry's.

1:15:45Wow. Hell yeah. What's your order at Pete Terry's? What's your go-to? I'm a number two kind of guy. It's the cheeseburger, fries. I don't get the lettuce, tomato, because that's just salad. Amazing. And I get the cookie for a dollar. Why not? Take note, my horn player is playing fat man music over there. There it is.

1:16:13Hell yeah. That's what we have a trombone player for. Perfect. Amazing. Gee, pal. Absolutely incredible. Now, is being big runs in your family? Is that like a genetic thing? It sure does, yeah. The interesting thing about it, though, is my dad used to be 350 pounds, and now he's like a bodybuilder for a living. How did he do it? Divorce. Ah, that'll do it. That'll do it. And are you married to this 50-year-old? No, we're just dating. She did the whole marriage thing. She ain't into it anymore. Right, right. That makes sense. I am a step-grandfather, though. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, my goodness. A step-grandfather.

1:16:59My goodness. That is incredible. Do you get to see your step-grandkid? I'm mixed. I'm not black. Wait, what is... I'm confused. Never mind. See, you were doing so good. You say it, that's you, right? Yes, I see them often. I see them every night, yes. They live with you? They do, yeah. Wait a second. Was her daughter once a stripper? This is all coming full circle here. There's something cooking. It's a small world. G-Pow, tell us another fun fact about your life that we might find interesting. You're such a... Yeah, I mean, people don't realize it looking like this, but I am mixed race. Really?

1:17:42What is... Yeah, so my dad is half black, he's Palestinian and white, so he's a victim.

1:17:59Look at Cheryl pretending she doesn't get that joke.

1:18:08Oh, shit. Amazing. What else, G-Pow? Any hobbies or anything that would surprise us? Well, I'm not... I don't have any pets. I have a sea monkey, which is pretty interesting. Just one? Yeah, that's the thing, right? Yeah. Because normally they come in thousands, but for some reason there's like one in the jar with these giant balls. I don't know. It's just weird to me. Because what happened to the rest of them? What? I didn't eat them, okay? Stop thinking that. I don't eat sea monkeys. Tom Segura, what do you think about G-Pow? You did a podcast with him for a long time.

1:18:54Why are you wearing a shirt all of a sudden?

1:19:00Let me interrupt. Yeah, don't let me finish the sentence. Bro. That was so funny. You were so funny. Just know, like, you definitely can go far in this. I wanted to hear... You know, you had the joke, you're like, my clothes are so big and there's no labels. And then you did the joke about the suspenders. But I want to even hear, before you get to the suspenders, explain more about... No, no, I'm not... Like, just know that you can exhaust that, because that's such a funny thing that clothes doesn't have labels, you know? Like, I want to hear about it. And then you can wrap it up with the suspender stuff.

1:19:44But, like, you know what I mean? Like, you can exhaust those topics. But, dude, like, so funny. Like, great joke writing. You by far stood out. So, so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Also, if you lose 50 pounds, you'll still be fucking huge. So don't think that, like, oh, I can't lose any weight. Otherwise, like, you can lose 100 and everyone will be like, that's the biggest fucking guy I've ever seen. You'll still be funny in that regard. Don't think you can't. That's what I told the other guy, too. All right. But you need one more joke. Because, like, I write in a rule of threes. One, two, three, boom. One, two, three, boom.

1:20:24Because it'll change your cadence. So you need one more joke. Because the killer joke is the suspenders holding down. That's the killer one. The one in the front is a good joke. Then the one in the middle is a great joke. Then it's the killer that lays them out, and then you move to your next topic. But what I feel, it's John Goodman. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a lot. Thank you. I feel that. Wow. That is true. Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show, Thursday. Boom. You just got booked on a real show. Here's the big joke book. Boom. G-Pow. Ladies and gentlemen. G-Pal getting booked on a real show.

1:21:05He moved to Austin, Texas, and now he's on the secret show on Thursday. These are the types of dreams coming true. You guys are in for a special treat right now. How many of you guys have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, you'll be very excited to know that one of our Hall of Fame members is right behind that curtain. A regular famous for his unbelievable writing and roasting, everybody. I present to you one of the most legendary regulars in the history of the show, known for roasting everybody and the panel and the band and anybody who he lays eyes on. Make some noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody.

1:21:55Yeah. I'm the last nigga in blackface.

1:22:08I'm dating a white girl now, and what I have realized is that white women really love their dogs. I do believe if white women could give birth to dogs, they would. It's so weird. Like, I'm fucking with this white bitch, and she got one of them little small bullshit-ass dogs. And I was at her house the other day, and I was eating her pussy with my fucking ass in the air on her bed. And her fucking dog jumped on the bed. And I'm like, hey, bitch, lock this nigga in his fucking cage. Because if he licked my ass, it's over with. I knew I should have laid down in sniper position and eat that bitch pussy, bro.

1:22:48That's the best position to eat pussy, fucking sniper, nigga, because you can fucking clench your ass cheeks. and get some extra horsepower in your tongue, you know?

1:23:07I'm a Christian. I do believe in God. But I also believe in reincarnation, you know what I'm saying? And I pray to God, like, once a month. I'm like, God, if reincarnation is real, please don't let me come back as a nigga again. Please. I can't do this shit. It's too... I'd rather come back as a white person's dog. That's what the fuck. I would have come back as a fucking schnauzer named Winston. You know what I'm saying? Because a white person's dog is the best treated fucking animal on this fucking planet, dog. I swear to God. And then I think about it. I'm like, shit, I might want to come back as a rescue pit bull.

1:23:48Because, like, niggas would buy me and then they would abandon me. And then I end up in a shelter and some lesbian would adopt me. and then when she trusts me, I'd kill her. You know what I'm saying? All right, that's about time. David Lucas, thank you. David Lucas has done it again. Welcome back, my friend. What an amazing set. Two minutes and ten seconds. You worked harder than you had to. Taking all that energy you don't spend at the gym and utilizing it here on Kill Sony. trying to wear camo pants to blend in the fact that you're built like an ice cream cone small at the bottom bigger as you go up that aids therapy is killing you look how red that face is bro you are sweating bullets up here right now david what is going on nothing bro you've been hanging you've been hanging out with that blind pregnant thick white woman I got money now, nigga.

1:24:50I don't fuck fat bitches don't bother me. He had to catch me six years ago. You know what I'm saying? If she 280, she ain't my lady.

1:25:07Hey, bruh, Tom and Cheryl look like the first interracial couple to go to prom.

1:25:15And Tony look like the girl that Tom actually that night you are a trailblazer man you know i'm a pioneer hell yeah totally historian you are hilarious david you are a master roaster you helped write for the roast of kevin hart little fun all the racist jokes i don't know if you did all of them yeah i made all the sheryl jokes all the shirt i was just playing i love sherrill but i've been watching of you since I was a kid, baby. You're still gorgeous. Yeah. I don't know how many of y 'all used to watch Cheryl, but she's so black, she used to bring her purse on stage. She has had it on her lap the entire show.

1:25:56She has not let it leave. And you know what's funny is I was telling it was Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan in the green room before the roast actually said, fun fact about Cheryl Underwood, she always keeps her purse on her. And I'm like, what really and then ever since then you've had your purse on you here's something white people don't know Cheryl what's the black rules for the purse you can't put it where can't put it on the floor yes you lose all your money why is that can you explain that you lose all your money if you put it on the floor oh shit black people have so many fucking like we're the most superstitious religious motherfuckers in the world like there's a black superstition like if somebody is sweeping and they sweep you on foot, you got to spit on the broom when you go into jail.

1:26:43What? Yeah, that's right. That's right. So maybe somebody swept George Floyd's feet and they... Oh, God, come on. Nigga, damn. See, David... I'm joking. Sir, I knew that was going to get you. That's why I said... Okay, now see, the Floyd family ain't no punks. They got hands. I know. Look, I had an instance with them and that shit cost me like$15 ,000. All right, let's stop talking about the Floyds. let's talk about how black people are the original gypsies because like yeah tell us more i want to know more of these black superstitions we were on this and if a bird fly in your house somebody's gonna die yeah oh shit you can't whistle in the house after sundown yeah yeah oh my god don't sit on my bed you can't sit on my bed with outside clothes yes uh you can't wash on sundays or you're and watch somebody out your family yes i should make a book oh my god this is incredible this also intriguing i was at my buddy's house on saturday and a fucking bird flew in well that's scary you have aids well i mean you're out of control Oh my God.

1:27:53Oh my God. I love Tony, man. Tony, I just wrapped my first full-length movie, dog. They found me from Kill Tony, bro. Wow, that's incredible. It had Jonathan Majors in it, bro. It comes out in like October, November, yeah. Okay. I filmed it in the worst city possible, nigga. Like, motherfuckers, I was in Gaffney, South Carolina. When the motherfuckers there, they don't know that slavery is over. Like, they're like, what you doing here, boy? That's like the Peach Capital or something like that? How'd you know? Yeah. Because House of Cards. I'm a big fan of the head actor Kevin Spacey. I mean, and he is the senator from Gaffney.

1:28:39I do believe in that. It's weird, bro. The best restaurant there is Cracker Barrel. Yeah. What do you get from Cracker Barrel when you go there? You look like the barrel, so. You look like the cracker.

1:28:54We still got it. We still got it. Fun fact. A fun fact. David Lucas and I have the record for the two people in the world that have made fun of each other the most. Yes. That's out there. That's an actual fact. Like, that you can watch recorded history. There's hours and hours and hours of us going back and forth. You got the fastest twerks in 60 seconds. The fastest what? Twerks, when you be shaking your booty. Oh, okay. Well, you have the slowest, obviously.

1:29:27Fucking sluggish-ass motherfucker. I love this little homosexual dick. Amazing. I can't imagine how much weight that dog gained by eating the dingleberries hanging from your backside. I can't even imagine. That dog ate good. Kibbles and bits.

1:29:49Some of that Purina puppy child back there. Lord only knows what's going on back there. That's why you're wearing camo. I'm letting a nigga that got bit by a gay vampire roast me. All right, well. Cheryl, you don't age, baby. You're beautiful. That is amazing. It is true. I had to change my jokes on the spot before the roast because you did look so good. And I thought you were going to wear weave, and then you came out with that beautiful head of hair. I was going to say, I did have a joke planned about what hair you would be wearing, and then you had that, and I had to change it to Laffy Taffy in a dryer.

1:30:28I had changed my whole thing. Well, you talked about me being on the talk show. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Oh, yeah. That was funny. That was funny. No, Tony, so most black women with money don't wear weaves anymore. They wear wigs. Oh, what's the difference between a weave and a wig? A weave is sewn in or glued in and a wig covers your whole head. Kind of like when you get your dick sucked by your boyfriend. Oh, okay, perfect. Oh, now I get it. I didn't understand until he sat by my boyfriend. You son of a bitch. David Lucas, we love you. Everybody loves you. The legend, the Hall of Famer.

1:31:09David Lucas. And now we go back to the bucket. We're coming up on it, folks. We are coming around that corner. Oh, what a beauty. The lovely Heidi. All right, we got another bucket pool coming in hot. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for David Hall, everybody. Here we go.

1:31:31Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am a bunch of white privilege. Let me tell you, I'm born in Africa, so it technically makes me African-American. That must make some of you a little uncomfortable or excited. Depends on the day. What didn't help was my mother was a fantastic drug smuggler. I was the mule. So you can imagine a little boy, beautiful mom, lots of cocaine, porters. Straight through. I just kept doing it. I grew up. I was like, oh, this white privilege thing seems to work. And then I get to New York City, and I'm hanging out in the Bronx, and my friends go, you got a little too much white privilege.

1:32:12I'm like, but I'm African American. They kicked my ass. But after that, we went out and they really saw the white privilege. The little slide of the$20 bill so we don't have to wait in line. The little slide of the$10 bill at the bar because I'm running out of money so I don't have to wait in line. And then at the end of the day, I'm asking them for money and they go, shit. Maybe you are African American.

1:32:41Okay, David Hall. So what do you mean you're African American? You were born in Africa? Yeah. Really? Yeah, East Africa. Nairobi. Okay. And two, obviously, white parents? One, Corpus Christi, Texas mom. Uh-huh. Who lied to me her whole life and told me she was a Cherokee Indian. Uh-huh. They do that. Go ahead. And father was English. Wow, amazing. What's up with your eye? Thank you. Ah! See, before I came out, I was like, do I do the eye joke or the privilege joke? So I was working in the mountains, as you do, with a big knife, as you do. And a big machine kind of fell, kind of plunged it in my eye.

1:33:21Arrgh. Wait a second. It doesn't hurt. It's just liquid. Now, wait, wait, wait. I'm standing there, knife in the eye. This isn't funny. All right, get to it, David. No, that's what I said. Okay, that's it. So you lost your eye. No, no, it's still there. They put it back together, but not too good. But it doesn't work. No, you look like God. Well, how many of them are you? David. Okay. Sorry. So is there a reason why you just walk around with your eye closed instead of wearing a patch or something? I keep losing it. You keep losing your eye patch? Yeah. Doesn't it wrap around your head? Yeah. But you have a couple drinks.

1:33:58You're like... Okay. I don't get the eyeball jokes because they put the fucker back in. You drink a lot, David? No. Oh. Okay. Just enough to lose your eye patch a lot. Yeah. All right. I have glasses, too, that I spray paint the inside, but then I just sit on them because they're on my left. Okay. Yeah. Wow. See, I was hoping for some pirate jokes or something to go with the eye. Because the African-American shit, we voted, and all the black people said, that shit ain't funny. But they haven't seen me naked. We don't want to see you naked. Oh, okay. But I do think you could be... Never mind, you can't be.

1:34:43Well, maybe the next bit will be pirate. I did add gold teeth lately. Okay, David, let's take it one step at a time here. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Never done stand-up comedy, but I was in a circus in Paris for fun. Okay, so the answer is, this is your first time doing stand-up comedy. Absolutely. Are you a drunk or on something? No, no, just... Is this just you? Yeah. You're just quiet and kind of shy? Yeah, I guess for your first stand-up night. Bit shy, bit quiet. Okay. Next one, I'll have a drink. You was in the real circus, or was you in the carnival? Contemporary, contemporary circus.

1:35:15You, for real? Yeah. Circus? Yeah, Cirque du Leclerc. What'd you do? I presented the show, and then I ran the bar afterwards. So you were the, like... Monsieur Loyal. What kind of circus is that? It's a French circus. Sounds like some shit that we black people would do. You know, get some dogs and shit. bring this motherfucker out. This is a circus kid. That's what they did. Bartender after it. Yeah, bartender. Universal Soul Circus is like this shit. What would happen at your circus? What type of entertainment did you have? Well, Tony, it was an experimental circus. So we had trapeze artists, comedians.

1:35:52Well, not comedians. Clowns. Actual crazy fucking clowns. They love the goddamn clowns. They love the clowns. They fucking love them. It's awful. Yeah. We had this great guy who could take off his clothes without even touching them. I thought it was quite amazing. Like, pants off, and then pants back up. That doesn't seem that hard. We had three comedians almost have their pants fall off up here. Okay. All right, David. I just think you're kind of, like, kind of boring, David. Yeah. Well, beginning for everything. What's the most interesting thing about you before I let you go? The most interesting thing about me?

1:36:29My wife. Okay, what about her? She is an East German refugee from the communist bloc. I met her in Switzerland. And she dropped everything, followed me to Scotland, followed me back to Switzerland, followed me to New York, Colorado, and now here. Okay. And she's fantastic. Okay. What's your favorite thing about her? Favorite thing about Susan? She has that laugh in the movie theater where no one else laughs. I can tell. Yeah. because you probably ran some of this material by her and she was probably cracking up. She was losing it. Do you want to see an impression of her losing it? Sure. Okay. Here you go, David.

1:37:07I'm going to get you out of here. All right. There you go. Back to the circus you go, David Hall. There he goes. All right. We're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Stephen Glenn, ladies and gentlemen. Here comes Stephen Glenn. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Unbelievable. This show's crazy.

1:38:05Sometimes you wanna go

1:38:18In your mouth Where homos go Penises in your face Honey, I'll be very What can I leave? You're gay, but Okay

1:38:44Okay, is there more you wanted? Did you want to do something? Okay Fuck yes, dude Yes That was fucking awesome keep doing that that rule

1:39:06alright

1:39:11I mean I don't even know where to begin with this Steven did you want to do something other than sing a bad parody of a song fun fact Jews okay I'm going to stop you there Steven but I keep going keep going Jews Jews like to kill six out of seven people that's where six seven six seven came from solid yeah yeah yeah how I'm so in How are you getting out of here? Because I know there's some Jews and some gay people outside ready to whoop your fat ass. And why did you drop the clown suit? That was the funny shit. And you got the nerd to have a fanny pack? Yeah. Where are we going with all of this?

1:40:15I completely disagree.

1:40:20This is the lane to stay in. this is fucking awesome Stephen Glenn I gotta ask what's up with Asians give us some I loved it how long have you been doing comedy Stephen this is my second time right your first time you did it did you do it with a clown suit come out face the other way and then sing a parody of the cheers theme song I did the cheers theme song theme song The finger goes into the belly button. That is... When he gets nervous, he fingers his belly button. It's a tick. It's a tick. Oh, my goodness. Steven. Keep doing what you're doing. Do not pivot from this. I'm telling you, this is fucking gold.

1:41:16Thank you.

1:41:20Stephen, I don't know how we're going to get around. The YouTube rules on song parodies are so strict that we're going to have to really do some surgery to your parody and have people imagine the Cheers theme song while not actually being able to... I don't think we're going to be able to air. Red Band has informed me that there's no way we can get that through. Yes, it's not us, it's YouTube. because they are very strict on the way that music works. I'll pay the fee. Okay. All right. You heard it here. You heard it here. Oh,

1:42:06he's making some big creative decisions over here, folks. I mean, second time, he made a choice. totally oh absolutely and he has not cracked a smile this is a serious man oh there he goes steve i like that you fucking when was your last time when was the first time that you tried this out was that a week ago a month ago it was at the shit show in and out or fort worth texas when was the question uh two weeks two weeks two weeks ago and you're like this is it i'm ready yeah i got a good i got good feedback so you're perfect no i mean you're getting it here too how old are you 45. No fucking way.

1:42:48There's no way you're 45. Yes, I'm 45. Okay. So what have you been doing your whole life, Stephen? Tell us about the real Stephen Glenn. Well, the first time I got on stage, I was like four years old. And I had a clown outfit on. And I fell in love with the stage because the first time I was on stage, I kept bowing and I kept applauding. And this is kind of like a full circle moment with the clown outfit. So I was kind of hoping I could recapture that with this audience. Yeah, you just did it, yeah. So the more I bow, the more you applaud. Uh-huh. Please. Okay.

1:43:48That was good. I fucking told you, dude. Okay, that part was good. Because you kind of lost me. You was like Jason Alexander lost all his Seinfeld money. But I went with you on it, and you committed, it and you stuck the landing and i'm with it you got on the chuck taylor's i see where you're going with all of this stephen you are like you seem to be a really funny guy yeah uh what do you what have you been doing your whole life i mean i gotta know more about you tell us about your real life what do you do for work i do uber

1:44:30you drive just regular people in cars yeah do you ever do how long you've been doing that for about uh six months okay what were you doing before that everybody wants to know um well i kind of take care of my mom oh what's up with your mom hi mom Oh, my God. Well, I moved in when my dad passed away, and so I kind of, you know, she became my best friend. Okay. Yeah.

1:45:05And she's not going to be around forever, so I'm taking applications if anybody is looking for best friend. His voice is so cool, too. He's talking up here like he's... Sounds like Bill Clinton meets Elvis. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. My grandfather wrote an Elvis Presley song. Really? Wow. Called Crying in the Chapel. It's the only gospel song that's on his number one hits album. Do you have a gay parody of it?

1:45:36I could make some. No, you can't. You can't. It literally, it sets off. It sets off. You're going to lose us. The YouTube rules are crazy now. You literally can't do anything with music. We're going to really have to. You really drive Uber, did you say? Yeah. That's correct. Do you put the child lock on it so people can't get out the car? Yeah, it was on child lock. It had some kind of thing where they couldn't leave, so I kept having to open the door for them. And then it fixed itself somehow. But yeah. What did you do, like, the previous, like, 25 years, basically? Yes. What were your other...

1:46:12Oh, I was a child actor for Kenneth Copeland Ministries. For what? You were a child actor for what? Did you say Kenneth Copeland Ministries? I'm trying to... Yeah. Okay, what? Say it again, goddammit. I was a character on a series for Kenneth Copeland Ministries called Commander Kelly and the Super Kids. My name was Rapper. the the the guy who was the nerd super kid was black but they gave me the uh rapper part because i was on the audio tapes before the vhs what hold on how how long did that gig last um let me think i mean there were four movies for about eight to ten years i think you did that for 10 years Yeah, yeah.

1:47:13All right. What was your name on the show? What was your character's name? Rapper. Rapper. It's kind of generic, but, you know. Don't keep that stuff there. Okay, well, that's going to show something totally different. Okay, and then you do something after that, but before... I was on an episode of Chuck Norris. Yeah, but that's one fucking... Wait, hold on. Hold on. You was on Walker, Texas Ranger? You were on an episode of Chuck Norris? Yeah, darling. Is this you? Yeah, that's me. That's you? But we lost him. Yeah, that was a close one. That's you? We were tracking through the city with an agent in our hotel.

1:47:51We ducked him to the alley with the agent. But the agent ducked as well. We cut across the neighborhood and hid behind a tree. And that's when the king, I took a fight of enemy. We didn't do it. Oh, my God.

1:48:09Okay. I know talent. I know talent. I'm trying to tell you, man. I fucking know talent, dog. It is incredible. You are the Simon Cowell of Kill Tone. Yes. So the question remains, Steven. Yes. Between that and Uber. And you now, what the fuck have you been doing the whole time no my mom says i inherited my dad's body so you know it's kind of an ode to him uh but okay this is fucking jedi level evading it's unbelievable and i fucking respect it it is it is something else you have an unbelievable amount of charisma um when you say that you were on an episode of chuck norris which is the name of an actor what do you mean exactly did i say chuck norris yeah you said you were on walker texas right okay what episode can you describe your character on walker texas ranger for us remember i had like a purple silk shirt okay do you do you remember the name of the episode or the name of your character no the scene got cut out i handed it oh all right yeah i can see that much like it's going to on this episode of Kill Tommy, because there's no way we're going to be able to get around that Cheers thing.

1:49:36It's going to basically start with your interview and people, the listeners will understand that you did a gay parody of the Cheers theme. Because trust me, we won't be able to do it. Right on. It's going to cost like 40 ,000 bucks. I want to be clear, I'm not paying that fucking fee.

1:49:53I was fucking around!

1:49:57Oh, they're booing you. Oh, okay, here's 40 grand. Sure.

1:50:07Look how serious he is. We are... Red band? I'm excited because he just kind of chuckled. You have an Asian wife, right? Yes. Sure. So me and my buddy, we got the bright idea to start interviewing Asian women. You know, make it really exclusive. So if you're Asian and you see me and my friend on the street, you know, say what's up. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Steven, you might be one of the most accidentally hilarious people I've ever had on this show. Just say what's up. So you and your homie are interviewing exclusively Asian women on the street? Yeah, because you see, you know, those guys question women on the street.

1:50:58but they're always like the drunk white girl. Yeah. So, you know, we want to spread the love.

1:51:07Janice will do it. Very good. Thank you. We're being pranked right now. You're like a professional something. Something's happening here. Who sent you here? What are you exactly? Tell us the truth, goddammit. You're here to bust the show. You're trying to crack the show. No, I'm not deep state. If you're Asian, don't be scared. That was fucking amazing. You're Asian, just fucking holler. You know what I mean? This is the first time in the history of the show in which every question I ask results in me having 25 more questions. Let me start here. How many Asian women have you interviewed on the street?

1:51:47If you had to guess, if you had to give us a ballpark, this show that you and your buddy supposedly do or have been doing? so um we came we came here to austin um about about 12 years ago and uh we did like this music video called asian girls and then we went back on youtube to see if you know it's copyrighted or who did it but we can't find it so we're going to use it for the theme song for this show you're going to do a thing called what? We're going to do a show called Asian Girls. But you haven't recorded any yet? Huh? Have you recorded? No, we haven't interviewed any Asian girls. I had a feeling.

1:52:32We're going to use the footage we shot 12 years ago in Austin. What are the odds? And then we're going to, you know, interview some Asian girls. But you haven't done any yet? No. Okay. So you were just like, let people know. Letting you know. Say what's up. Wow.

1:52:54So, what do you... Are there any Asian women in the audience right now? Can you give me a little... Is there an Asian woman in the crowd? Turn the red lights up, Kina. Let's see if there's an Asian woman in the crowd that might want to be interviewed. Is there an Asian woman that's willing to come up here and get interviewed by Stephen Glenn? Not a single Asian woman? there's gotta be nobody that's a mexican lady sir all right forget it turn it down why don't we make believe why don't you pretend like cheryl underwood is an asian woman oh no this is this isn't even the asian hair this is right different so yeah uh you but you said 12 years ago 12 yeah you recorded we yeah we came down here and shot uh footage for my friend's uh mexican version of mario vehicle he had a car he painted it um he he created the mexican mario and we were what exactly what's the confusion i'm sorry what do you make it you're asking me why i'm all confused it's clear as fucking day 12 years ago him and his buddy recorded a video for asian girls his buddy and then they're going to interview girls jesus christ It's clear as fucking day.

1:54:17What do you mean Mexican Mario? What was the difference between regular Mario and Mexican Mario? Well, he had a poncho. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. Tony, are we getting played right now? I think we might be. I love it. I fucking love it. You need to go audition for Saturday Night Live. Okay. Because I think you would be amazing. Okay. I enjoy the ride. Whatever this was, I love the fucking ride, dude. I had so much fun with this. Please don't go. It's like if you mix crack with Quaaludes. Did you fuck with a lot of drugs? No. Have you ever hit your head really hard against something? I am epileptic.

1:55:04So if you see me, I'm epileptic. Shocking. So if you see me flopping around, that's not part of the act.

1:55:18Dude. Fuck yes, dude. This is by far the best person you've ever had. I don't know what's real and what's not. You're so funny. It's incredible. I feel like we might be the last ones in on a joke. I feel like you're like an actual professional that's goofing around and being silly. You have half a clown suit on. Your shirt's still lifted up. You are something else. I love your style. Here's a big joke book. Stephen Glenn. Take a bow.

1:55:58Oh my God. That is something. He almost went the wrong way behind the curtain. I just saw him. Tony, that was fucking unbelievable. This show is crazy. It is insane. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's him. That's him. He's a little kid. That is him as the rapper on Kenneth Copeland's Jesus show. This is all crazy. This is all nuts. We have one final bucket poll that has to follow that, everybody. And they will go by the name of Swate McCoy. One minute uninterrupted from your final bucket poll. the night suede mccord hey i'm gonna start i'm gonna waste part of my minute what the fuck was that what uh i almost daisy duke my shirt coming out this way that was wild no you don't want to see that it's sad underneath here uh here's my minute fuck uh fuck p diddy dude fuck p diddy i know you like him but i don't like him i don't like the guy i think the worst thing he ever did was music.

1:57:04Hang on. I think if he was better at music, we'd forgive the rest of it. Like, think... Hang on. Hang on, I only got a minute. Think about Michael Jackson, dude. Michael Jackson. They said, Michael's fucking kids. And he said, and they said, shut up, Macaulay. Shut your stupid mouth. They told Macaulay to beat it. that's bad on that same note R. Kelly pissed on women but P. Diddy didn't pee diddy

1:57:42it's called wordplay thanks guys I'm Suede McCoy Suede McCoy how long you been doing stand up buddy do what? how long you been doing stand up comedy? two years doing stand up I've been acting for like 15 years or so Really? Have you acted in anything that we've seen? Perhaps an episode of Chuck Norris?

1:58:02I was that guy's stunt double. That's Daisy Dukin and everything. I know my dad's in the music industry. He's actually friends with a couple of friends of yours. Rob Schneider was in a music video of his. Okay. But have you acted in anything we could recognize? No, I'm just going to say my dad's doing stuff. I don't do much, if I'm honest. I'm not good for a whole lot. All right. So how do you make a living, Suede? I work for a boot company called Lucchese. Oh, okay. We like Lucchese boots. That clap sounded good. The boots are going okay. All right, cut. Yep, good boots. How long you worked with them?

1:58:35About three or four years now. I'm more of a Tecovis guy. Point your toes wet. No, come on. It's okay. It's all right. Until Lucchese is a sponsor, I am a Tecovis guy. I'll figure that out. I'll talk to him. Perfect. Talk to your dad for me, will you? So, Suede, tell us more about your life. What else? I grew up in a small town in East Texas. My dad did music for a long time, so I toured for a little while. Is your dad famous? Can you say his name? He's a country singer named Neil McCoy. Okay. You guys know Neil McCoy? Okay, checks out. My Mexicans agree. They know Neil McCoy. He's part Filipino, so the Mexicans and the Asians love him.

1:59:13Perfect. I love it. Somebody to latch on to. Amazing stuff. Oh, yeah, Neil McCoy, legend. Known professionally as Neil McCoy and previously as Neil McGolley. He changed his name, huh? Yeah, I stole that, too. I'm using the McCoy thing, too. That makes sense. Look at McCoy, how it's spelled on there. It's like nine letters long. You can't write that here. Right. Definitely not. Okay, Swade, any other fun facts about your life? What else is crazy? I lived in L.A. for about seven years. I left because I got robbed at gunpoint. Uh-huh. That makes sense. I lost that fight. Yeah. No cops around, right?

1:59:44No cops until I called them. I'll tell you what, I've never felt more racist. I'm not racist. Let's start there. I look. Hang on. Wait, stay with me. I've never felt more racist than when I tried to describe the guys that robbed me to the police. That's hard to do. Hey, Cheryl, how are you? See you. What's up? Wait, what'd they look like? Yeah, can you describe? We want to hear the description. I couldn't really see it. It was really dark outside, but I know they were wearing black hoodies. They were wearing very black hoodies, very African-American hoodies. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where the hoodies?

2:00:24They both had on Jordan 4s. Yeah, those are exclusively for the blacks. Shoes you can dunk in and rob me. That's shoes you can dunk and rob me in. What did you say on the 911 call? I said, hey, you guys got anybody in North Hollywood free? And they said, yeah, why not? And they sent over. Here's the problem. When you call the cops, you want two six-foot-tall white guys with a mustache. Definitely white, yes. Well, with muscles, you want them to say, which way did they go and take off running? Yeah, yeah. I got, I'm not kidding you, I got two 5 '4 Hispanic ladies that were overweight. And I thought, what are you going to do, roll after them?

2:01:04Like, how are we, how are we catching these guys? The Jordans are going to be really fast. Yeah. I'm going to help a lot. So. That happens. Cheryl Underwood. Did this really happen? It did, yeah. There's a whole 911 report. I can send it to you. Okay, you need. I'll fax it over. Well, you lost me. I thought you were going to say something really good, like CPT or Compton or something. North Hollywood. Yeah. That's what I thought. How did your bitch ass get robbed in North Hollywood? Look at me. Right. You can rob this anywhere. You can rob this with an idea. Well, let me give you two things I'm feeling.

2:01:42First of all, you came behind that guy, and you did a really good job. Yeah. So I give that to you to come and hide the other guys. The name Sway McCoy is fantastic. I thought it was going to be a black guy. No, I knew you was going to be country as hell. I knew. I thought you were going to come out here with a guitar and sing or do something. But I think you are a really good person with a great persona. But that robbery joke, if you're going to make those connections where it's kind of us but it's not us, then you've got to make the connection right. Because when you said North Hollywood, I was like, this motherfucker didn't get robbed.

2:02:20He was trying to get fucked, but he wasn't getting robbed. Yeah. Where did it happen? About Lancashire and Magnolia? Yeah. Victory Boulevard. I was on Magnolia in kind of those neighborhoods right off Lancashire. Right. You know how I knew that? Oh, no. Because the train station's right there. Oh, yeah. They ran a train on me. Well, it's just an easy getaway. It's an easy getaway to get on the red line to the, I believe, blue line. And then you're back in Compton again where Sheryl's talking about. I wish you'd been the cop. They would have found him. If you got to say something better than that.

2:02:55But did you just say they ran a train on you? I meant they ran to a train. Thanks for having me. What did they get from you? I had just gotten back from a cruise, and you carry a lot of cash on a cruise. I had$500 in my wallet, which in L.A. is a billion dollars. Yeah. So they took pretty much everything I had. Well, Suede, any other crazy fun facts we should know about you before letting you go? Not that I can think of. You take stand-up seriously? How often do you perform? I try to perform at least every week. All right. Well, there you go. If you really are serious about it, I would do it almost every day.

2:03:32Try your best. Here's a big joke book. Fun stuff, Swade McCoy, till Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen. And now we've reached that part of the show where, boy, oh boy, do I have a special monster for you people. I mean, this guy is the full-time newest regular, and every single week, he comes out guns a-blazin' with material that we just can't believe. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the real deal. This is Pat O 'Neill.

2:04:07Folks! I support a woman's right to choose and a man's right to snooze. Wake me up when the kid's dead, bitch. Okay.

2:04:28I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I want an abortion, so I just bought some red confetti for the gender reveal and...

2:04:40Figure that should send the message. I'm actually thinking about getting a vasectomy. Or as trans people call it, microdosing.

2:04:58Seriously, folks, if you would have told me like ten years ago that one day men were actually going to be allowed in women's bathrooms, then I would have pled not guilty.

2:05:11Just needed more time. Okay, thank you. Fucking son of a bitch. I mean, every single week he comes in over the top and just absolutely only hits home runs. Pat O 'Neill, you've done it again. Thank you, sir. It's incredible. The run that you are on right now is something else that is just crazy. How does it feel, buddy? Pretty good. Sitting back there for a while while that gay clown was out here. Yeah. There's a lot going on. This was a wacky episode. We were waiting on something like you. And you brought it home once again. Cheryl Underwood, I want to hear your analysis. This has to be your first time seeing Pat O 'Neal.

2:05:56Emo Phillips on acid. Yeah. To me, I think you have something very irreverent, but it has humanity. I don't want you to stop being you. Don't let anybody tell you what you can't do or where it's not going to go. Oh, I've tried not to be a lot. Because I think you're very, very funny. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. You are. Thank you. Thank you. Very provocative. Yeah. What do you think? I'm just glad to be on your good side after watching All Night, honestly. Tom Segura, this is your first time seeing Pat O 'Neill. It is. That was so funny, dude. Thank you, Tom. It was so funny. You're welcome.

2:06:35No, it was fun to wrap up the night with, like, fun, like, solid jokes. I love that they're dark. It was really fun. please keep going. Thank you. Yeah. Pat O 'Neill is on a mission unlike any other. I mean, he really encompasses the writing and execution that this show likes to exemplify. Pat, you've done it again. Congratulations. Thank you so much. We love you. This episode was brought to you by Shopify Talkspace and ZipRecruiter. Guys, how about one more time? Bad Thoughts out now on Netflix season two of one of the most unbelievably fucking compelling, awkward, weird-ass, hilarious fucking shows ever.

2:07:20That was amazing, dude. Congrats, Tom. I mean, you're just absolutely crushing it with that show. I saw the promos, and I can't wait to watch it. It's out now by the time when this episode drops, so go watch it. Season 2, Bad Thoughts Out Now. Andy's in Oxnard working on new material July 7th and 8th. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Cheryl Underwood, ladies and gentlemen. I need a job tour. Go to PackRatProductionsInc.com for tickets and be on the lookout. She is the first person ever in Netflix roast history to immediately get a special deal after the roast. My special is out on June 9th on Netflix.

2:08:04A man of the people, which is what I am. You know what I mean? I'm just a man of the people. often misunderstood. I'll tell you right now, there's a joke on there that is going to be in the news. So I'm going to be the talk of everything again. Oh boy, so crazy. You did it again. This episode brought to you by Shopify Talkspace and ZipRecruiter. One more time for the best damn band in all the land. Absolutely crushing all night long. Follow them on Instagram at TheKillTonyBand. Let's check in and see what Ryan J. Ebell drew tonight. Oh shit, yep. There's a little bit of everything on there. Cheryl Underwood, Tom Segura.

2:08:43I see me, Redman. And let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Pat O 'Neill. That's a good one. That is him, without a doubt. We are doing Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row, August 7th and 8th. Yeah, and we are coming to, maybe Vegas will be announced by now, but we're going to Vegas and Dallas and Houston. Red Band? I'm going to San Diego. I'm bringing Pat O 'Neill and Rachel Wolfson, AmericanComedyCo.com. We love you guys. God bless this show, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Good night.

2:09:37Thank you.

2:10:17Outro Music

2:10:36Thank you.