#771 - BRAD WILLIAMS + TIMMY NO BRAKES

19:31Brian Redban:Guillotine. Guillotine choke. Alright, perfect. Darian, have you ever had to use your world championship knowledge of jiu-jitsu out there on the streets? Has anybody fucked with you? Is this what you're doing with the hair and the shirt and everything? Are you baiting people into calling you gay and being like, what the fuck did you say? Get over here. No, I've never actually had to fight somebody in the mean streets of Austin. So that's a good thing. That's a good thing. I don't think they would want to do that. But at the same time, people do stupid shit. Right. In these world championships, you've won them on an elite level, or is this like some kind of tournament you threw together?

20:07Ah, in the backyard. No, no, no. Yeah, IBJJF Worlds. Yeah, so I'm IBJJF World Champion in purple belt, brown belt, and I just got my black belt in December.

20:20Brian Redban:My jiu-jitsu people are telling me that that is legit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Amazing. What else would we find interesting about you, Darian? Do you know how to swim? Oh, fuck, no. You don't. So the enemy that could beat you is that and which is the most present element on the planet. What? That's the funny part about that shit, man. I really do live up to that black steel time. I cannot fucking swim to save my life. Johnny, no tsunami.

20:51Yes.

20:54Brian Redban:Have you ever almost gotten in trouble? Do you, like, go into the water up to your waist or something like that? Well, okay, so crazy. like in college we used to do this thing i wrestle in college but they would go we go to the ymca my coach was like all right guys we're gonna go and do swimming workouts we're gonna do something real and i'm like why did we already wrestle like fucking girl man that's real but we go there and then like we jump in the pool and he was like trying to have us do laps i cannot do one fucking lap he's like having us do laps at a deep end i break out i go over to the lady and i was like hey let me get the floaties i came back with fucking floaties on yeah and he's just like oh you to take those off it's like no i'm not so i just keep i just do the workout with fucking floaties but it was cool let me ask you this other than not being able to swim what else do you think is the blackest thing about you damn uh my dick no um let me see uh i think i think i know um i'm really into hip-hop we'll say that yeah you could tell exactly how you said the words hip-hop

22:02I just grew up with it in my life. In Kansas? Up in the main streets of Kansas, yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, it goes down to Kansas City area, if you didn't know. So yeah, yeah. Tech-9?

22:15Brian Redban:Huh? Tech-9, right? Am I right? Tech-9, 9, 9. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tech-9 goes hard. All right, perfect. Here's a little joke book. Little joke book for a big man. Little jokes look for a big man Sometimes I accidentally Sound like the president Oh my god I'll tell you what's not gay That right there I do not want that shit Can you give me something That isn't Tony's water Okay that's not true that's not a thing No one talks about that that's not a thing Never mind Do you want something to drink Timmy? Can I just get like a sparkling water and some garlic bread. Sparkling water and garlic bread for Timmy, please.

23:02Brian Redban:There you go. Sparkling water. What a little diva. Not gay at all, sparkling water. Is this how the entire episode is going to be? You hit yourself in the face of the microphone. Are you calling me? Are you actually calling me gay? I'm calling you gay. You're calling me gay? I think you're Timmy fucking all cakes.

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24:50Brian Redban:Let's see what happens here. DJ Chaotic. Yeah. I'm going to start this off with a confession. I am bald. It's true. I've been hat fishing women professionally now for a very long time. and the key to doing it right is to make sure the hat does not come off until the clothes come off because by that time she's committed it's too late gotcha bitch got your ass didn't know i was ugly did you recently i've been told that with my hat on i look like an ice target and with my hat off i look like an ice employee I can't help that I have a resting ice face And that's my time I thought that was a minute I thought I planned that out right 15 seconds left 15 seconds alright Um Yeah Alright okay So you're out of material That's everything else is story type shit Okay there you go perfect Some people say that's my time when it's their time.

26:04Brian Redban:I was wondering if you had anything else, but that was all the time that you had. I've rehearsed this so many times, and I swear to God it was a full minute. Have you done stand-up before? Yeah. Okay. How often? How long? Three years. Okay. Perfect. Hey, Carlos, how does it feel to meet your son?

26:28Brian Redban:DJ Chaotic. Where have you been doing it for three years? Here in Austin. Okay. What do you do for a living? DJ. You're a DJ. Yeah. Are you better at DJing or stand-up? DJing for sure. How long have you been a DJ? 13 years. Okay, that makes sense. What makes you want to do stand-up? Honestly, I help manage a place called The Green Room in North Austin and starting that up. We started doing comedy shows, so I got into it like that. Are you sometimes funny when you're DJing? Like, are you doing things like, you know? Yeah, I mean, I do a lot of weddings and private events, so I slide in some humor whenever it's appropriate.

27:08Brian Redban:Oh, Jesus Christ. Slippery cigarette. Thank you very much, sir.

27:16Like that kind of sometimes?

27:18Brian Redban:Lit the house on fire there. A slippery little cigarette. Timmy, no breaks. You do private gigs sometimes, weddings, bar mitzvahs. All the time, bar mitzvahs, weddings. I did a brisk and stuff. The kid lost his dick. But yeah, what made you, you know? Perfect. So DJ Chaotic, what's the craziest thing? You play like EDM, I'm guessing? No, I do open format, man. I've been in Texas for a long time. So country, Latin, hip hop, those are like the main genres. So you play for whatever audience is in front of you? Yeah. So if there was a bunch of black people in here right now, what would you play? set it off lil boosie off the jump that's what i'm going with okay yeah let's check in with john d's here what do you think about set it off lil boosie i don't know that i don't know that song no good no good is that what you're saying no i don't know that song uh you don't know set it off lil boosie a white guy talking to a black guy like that that's some some and some though all You thought that was fucked up.

28:24Yeah, and I love Blake.

28:28Brian Redban:How about if this was a rave, an EDM crowd, what would you play? First song you play. Gotta get it set up. EDM's not really my genre. Yeah, not boo. It's not. Okay, let's say it was a country bar. What song are you playing? Zach Top, Never Lie. Oh, Michael Gonzalez confirms that. Yeah. All right, DJ Konic. I kind of really didn't leave that much of an imprint here tonight. I'm from the Cayman Islands. I moved here 15 years ago to be a rapper. That never worked out. You tried rapping? I did it for a little while. I do reggae, rap, shit like that. Can we hear a verse? You guys want to hear some bad rap?

29:20Brian Redban:Yeah. Well, hold up, hold up. Wait, wait. Instead of rap, can I do some reggae shit? Oh, better yet. I love... White guy reggae. I love all kinds of gay, especially reggae. So let's do it. And beat you to it on that one. That was right there. That's Timmy's alley right there. Yeah, he fucking loves you. I do way... Give him a little... What kind of reggae beat do you want? Michael? Yeah, I'll ride with it. There you go. He'll ride with it. All the way from the Cayman Islands. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. DJ Chaotic, everybody. Yeah, yeah. Pull up in my ride. She quick to get inside. She ducked down in she hide.

30:01Then we skirt off and we slide. She wet like I tied every time her lips collide. She want me up inside, cause good loving I provide. She give up man bun, cause we never have fun. She say without a toy, she can't even come. But then she bucked this rude boy, give her pussy real joy. Dealing with the real McCoy My soldier get deployed Acting at attention Relieving all our tension No feelings get mentioned Cause that's an apprehension Can't do that Alright, alright, alright

30:31Brian Redban:Brad's fat ass is hypnotizing me My God You guys are pedophiles, so

30:43Brian Redban:Brad's a grown man, he's not a kid I think you're confused, Timmy 42 42? Yeah, 42? Yeah, fucking right. He is. He's 42 inches high.

30:57Brian Redban:Okay, DJ Chaotic. Here's a little joke book. There you go, my friend. We're going to keep it moving along. Show's crazy so far. A couple people that really fucking suck. Obviously, anything can happen out of this bucket. But it set it up good. Now you know it's real. Now you know the show is real. When you get that feeling of, holy shit, I think I can do this, that's how you know you're a Kill Tony. Make some noise for your next bucket full. It's Chris Caruso, everybody. Here we go.

31:31I know what you guys were thinking. I didn't know getting older meant I was going to look like Alex Jones. That ever happened to anybody? Not even like the cool, like, making the frogs gay Alex Jones. like the sad divorced dad Alex Jones. And I've got the documents to prove it, folks, okay? I've got them. I like conspiracies. I was watching Clinton testify in front of Congress the other day, and he just had a shit-eating grin on his face the whole time. They were like, Mr. President, do you remember where you were when those pictures were taken? I know it's been a long time, but try to remember.

32:07And he's like, oh, no. I remember exactly where I was when those pictures were taken. And it's just him and, like, I've seen him matching polo shirts, you know. And there was a, you guys hear about the, there was supposed to be between Donald Trump and Bill Clinton an affair. And, yeah, Clinton will be in there like, I did not have sexual relations with Donald Trump. But I think Trump, if he did it, he would have been in there the next day in a press conference like, nobody sucked Bill Clinton's dick better than Donald Trump, folks. Nobody did it. Nobody could do it.

32:43Brian Redban:All right. That's Chris Caruso, everybody. Hey, Carlos, how does it feel to meet your dad?

32:58Brian Redban:Chris Caruso, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, it is. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Where at? Dayton, Ohio. Hey, we know Dayton. That's a rough city. You still live there? Yep. What do you do for a living in Dayton? I sell security systems for a living. Oh, you must be. Business is booming, huh? Oh, yeah. They love it. Number one for metal theft in the country. Yeah, like copper? Oh, yeah. Wow. And they're stealing it out of, like, old houses or something? Anywhere they can get it, Tony. Wow. Amazing. And so tell us more about your life, Chris, just the normal everyday thing.

33:33Brian Redban:You have a family or anything? Yeah, I have a son. Nice. How old is your son? 11 years old. You still with the baby mama? Nope, of course not. What happened there? How long was she around for? A couple years. And then you guys just went your separate ways. Yeah. You stopped banging her. That's it. That's it. You didn't want her around anymore. Is that how it ended, or did she cheat on you, or what? No, it was just mutual. You know, we just grew apart as people. It happened. Damn. That's sad. Somehow that's the saddest way. Like, I always like it. Like, yeah, I caught her cheating on me with a giant black guy or something like that.

34:07Brian Redban:like a world champion jiu-jitsu black guy with blonde hair or something like that. But it's just really the saddest possible thing nowadays is them just growing apart naturally. Brad? That won't happen with my wife because I can't grow anymore. That's true. That is true. There's no growing apart. You have a wife? Yeah. Oh, my God. I didn't know. I didn't know they married that young. Tom, can I ask a question? Absolutely, Timmy. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? It's the motorboat, man. I go for that. Very good question. Do you motorboat only the tits, or are you an asshole motorboater?

34:49Brian Redban:Yeah. You eat ass? No, no. No, you refuse. Have you ever tried it? No, it's not for me, man. Do it. Just try it once or twice. Thanks, Red Band. You want to motorboat Red Band's tits? No, I'm going to pass on that respectfully. You've never tried? You've never tongued an ass once? No. But you've eaten with that? No, you know, that's kind of a weird accident, but yeah. Brad, I got a question. How'd you accidentally tongue somebody's asshole? It was eye level. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That deserves a bigger fucking pop. He was waiting. Midget newspaper boy deserves a fucking bigger fucking pop.

35:31That is a good one.

35:33Brian Redban:But you have eaten pussy before. Am I correct? Do you enjoy that? I don't think anybody really enjoys it, but, you know. Whoa. Chris Perusa.

35:46Brian Redban:You're making Dayton, Ohio seem worse. This is a very pussy-eating crowd you're in front of tonight. This crowd loves eating pussy. This guy's shaking his head no. Oh, yeah, he's disappointed in you. He corrected it. He was going, I can't believe it. And then he gave me a thumbs up just to make sure that I know that he's into eating pussy as well. Everybody here is into eating pussy. Can you describe to us exactly what it is that you don't like about eating pussy? It's the texture. The texture of the pussy. This guy, this guy over here, you know you're not supposed to actually eat it, right? It's not like oysters or something.

36:24Brian Redban:You're not supposed to swallow it down. You're supposed to lick it and find a pace and a rhythm and smooch it or something. like seal your lips around it and kind of do a slight sucking in and out motion. Dude, his ex must be disgusting. Yeah, I think so. That's why it only lasted a few years, right? Have you been with other women since? Yeah. Yeah. Are you currently dating anyone? No, I'm not. Are you on any of the dating apps or anything like that? Not for me. So when's the last date that you went on? When's the last person? You just meet people like at a department store or a bar? Yeah, gas stations is where I like to...

37:00Brian Redban:Oh, okay. All right. I'm starting to see why you don't like eating pussy or ass, Chris. That gas station pussy can be very tricky. You know what I mean? That's my best bud. Very. That is. We are best friends. Chris, I love it. Are you sponsored by Adidas by any chance? Yes. They dropped Kanye and they picked up Chris Caruso, security specialist out of Dayton, Ohio. Adidas is in absolute shambles right now. They're currently losing money. Their stock is sinking right now from a non-pussy-eating man wearing nothing but Adidas. Nike is skyrocketing as we speak. Nike, the brand of pussy eaters all around the world.

37:45Brian Redban:When you see a pussy, remember, just do it.

37:54Brian Redban:Wow. All right. Chris, I got to tell you, we're running out of little joke books fast tonight. is a rough one. Thank you, Chris Caruso. Come back. Sign up again. Do it again sometime. These people. Anything can happen. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. There's actual garlic bread, ladies and gentlemen. And a fucking juice box, everybody. You can't make it up. I swear to God, this show is improvised. Meanwhile, Heidi finds the way. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Go to her website, HeidiRegina.com. A bunch of great stuff over there. Those are the little boys to get off of you. Everybody is thrilled.

38:35Brian Redban:I hope camera two is picking this up. This is Kill Tony. It's like a great... It's just a great moment. That is adorable. I don't know how Heidi does this. It doesn't make any sense. Like, you would think this is all produced. Oh, my God. That juice box is Blippi, by the way. That's a Blippi juice box. Okay, wait. All right. Okay, let's take it easy here. Let's not throw things at the audience. Just a reminder that lawsuits go to JoeRogan.com, not Tony Hinchcliffe. All right. Here we go. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eric Spicely, everyone. Here we go. Anything can happen. Eric Spicely.

39:29Yo, what's going on Austin? How you guys doing? You guys are good? I just moved here, bro, like fucking Friday, man. I grew up in America, but for the last 10 years I've been living up in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Yeah. Or as our president likes to call it, uh, gay Alaska. Yo, say what you want about Canadians, man. It's nice being in a place that doesn't have guns, you know? I feel safe walking around just having these goofy fucking ears, man. It's that Dana White privilege, right? Cops are nice to me. They don't even know what race I am. These ears are from Jiu-Jitsu. You guys know what that is?

40:06Yeah. Wow. Some people think it makes you look tough. Some people think Jiu-Jitsu is a bit, como se dice, homoerotic, right? I've been doing it half my life, guys. I've been a black belt for years. I can honestly say, pretty gay.

40:30You just won a golden ticket here on Kelton.

40:45Brian Redban:I don't know what the fuck's going on, but... You're good, you're good, buddy. You did not win a golden ticket. He's joking, he's joking. Eric, welcome to the show. How are you? I'm good, how are you? You are a scary-looking fellow. Thanks, man. Um, without a doubt, you look like Jiu-Jitsu. You look like the guy, Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, yeah. I've been doing it for a while, yeah. Holy shit. And you really are a black belt, right? Yeah, yeah. Did you know the black guy with blonde hair that was here earlier? I did not know the black. You ever hear of a guy named Darian Terry? Oh, shit. Oh, you just noticed.

41:14Brian Redban:Oh, a midget. Yeah, my bad. Fuck you. My bad. Holy shit, man. I was like, oh, my God. Are you in town on Thursday? I'm sorry? Are you in town on Thursday? I am, yeah. I just moved here. You want to do a secret show?

41:37Brian Redban:This episode is chaos. How's the robot doing over here? How we feeling? Yeah! Rock and roll! It's actually Aaron Belial, everybody. He's in there. He's in there right now. We just put a little cloth over his face. Eric, so... Where are you from again? What'd you say? So I'm from New York City, but I've been living in Canada for like 10 years. Why have you been living in Canada for 10 years? Why in the world did you choose Montreal, Canada? So I used to fight in the UFC. Yeah. And I got signed, and then I moved there to train at TriStar, like GSP and shit. Yeah, yeah, GSP's the man. That's awesome.

42:14Brian Redban:Are you still doing it? I don't fight anymore, no. I just coach and train and stuff. Perfect, perfect, amazing. So the fights in the UFC, what was that like? How did that go? Explain to people. Most of us just picture it. We dream about it, but none of us, like, look at this fucking fat Italian guy. Like, I mean, we watch, we imagine, like, that would be my walk. I'd come out to Phil Collins in the air tonight. Yeah, I would do that, too. Tell us what it's really like. Training's exhausting, and then what's that like? It fucking sucks, dude. Yeah. It fucking, you gotta fight black dudes and shit, dude.

42:46Brian Redban:Yeah. Fuck, Russian Muslims and shit, dude, it's crazy, man. Yeah, they're crazy, right? And they just shoot low. the Russians just take you down and now it fucking hurts and they're throwing elbows and stuff so how many fights in the UFC did you have I think I had eight but the CT is a little I don't really remember right man absolutely it's a rough one now what's your main song that you came out to good question I used to come out to uh train in vain by the clash oh okay yeah I like to have like a weird gay song so it looks like you're right they're from New York right I don't write about that okay maybe not they have a song about new york i think okay eric spicely so uh eight fights what if you had to guess what your record is i was uh i think two and five so i'm gonna have seven fights yeah it's very hard it's a tough one a lot of people don't know keltony's ari maddie uh oh in three not in the ufc didn't make it to the ufc but in the lesser leagues all time oh and three.

43:45Deport him. Deport him. Deport him. We're enemies. Hey, can I just follow up? Yeah, go right ahead. How much time do you have? I've got about like 15 minutes. 15 minutes? I feel solid about it. I'm gonna be doing the Sand Jack open mic in a couple days. You wanna do three on that? Yeah, sounds great, buddy. Fuck yeah.

44:06Brian Redban:Alright, there you go. You just got booked on an open mic with Timmy No Breaks. Eric, So tell us more about your normal life. I mean, you seem like you would be good with the ladies, right? They probably are into some scary orangutan-looking man. It's mostly dudes, honestly, bro. It's mostly, yeah. Girls will approach me so their boyfriends can fucking hit on me and shit. Right. Yeah, mostly dudes. Everybody in town has just been like, what's up, bro? Fucking head nod. I'm like, all right, man. Right. That's me. I'm the gay one, according to Timmy. Or it's like chicks that want to get, like, fucked up.

44:40Brian Redban:Like? Like, they're like, yo, I want you to punch me in the fucking... Oh, wow. I like this gang. I like this gang. Eric, what else about your life would we find surprising? Any other fun facts about Eric Spicely? I used to do pro wrestling. Oh, wow. Yeah, I made it to WWE. How long were you there for? No, I just got a tryout. I didn't make it. They told me I was too small. Basically told me to get on steroids. They had a wrestler named Hornswoggle that was a dwarf, so I think it's just because you sucked. is that fucking you dude holy shit we all look alike honestly i'm not gonna lie is there any truth to the fact that training for the wwe is harder than training for the ufc i thought it was much harder for sure a lot of puking and stuff right no i didn't really puke i mean i'm doing a lot of cardio and stuff uh it's just a lot to remember yeah i mean getting punched in the face is like you just you're on autopilot so right you just train and then you do it but like this is like choreography and like fucking you know what i mean yeah well eric um how long you been on stand-up uh two and a half years two and a half years okay perfect well you're you're going you're a talent i can't tell if you're fucking with mirror no i like i like you i like your shit i like your face you know well your face is fucked up but like you know you got i like the woman being stuff maybe say retard a little bit more and you'll be good you'll be good You're killing it in Austin.

46:10I'm serious.

46:11Brian Redban:Keep writing, Eric. It's a little joke book for you this time, but who knows what can happen next time. There he goes, Eric Spicely, everybody.

46:21Brian Redban:Much like Eric's record with bucket pools, we're 0-4 tonight. There's some napkins for you. He's got one garlic knot left. He's truly committed to this bit. He's literally eating garlic knots, everybody. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everyone. It's Luis Cervantes, everybody.

46:45I have a problem with talking to girls. I'm not really good at flirting. Like, for instance, this morning I was leaving the gym, and I saw this really hot girl walking towards me. I was like, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to do it. So I held the door for her, and she walked by. She goes, thank you so much, and looks down at my feet. She goes, I really like your shoes. And verbatim, what I said back was, mm-hmm, I bought them.

47:12Just be single forever.

47:18My last girlfriend wasn't really my type. She used to put me in hypothetical situations. One time we were watching 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler, and she goes, do you like this movie? And I go, yeah. She goes, well, let me ask you something. If I lost my memory, would you stick around and tell me, or would you leave like an asshole? And that's how she said it, so I knew what she wanted to hear. I was like, no, I'd stick around. I'd remind you of all the cool things we used to do, you know? And at the end of every night, I'd remind you how much you begged for anal.

47:55Brian Redban:Louis Cervantes, everybody. Carlos, how big is your fucking family?

48:04Brian Redban:This is incredible what's happening here tonight. I like those guys. There's a lot of the same guy. You do jujitsu at all, Louis? No. Perfect. No. And I honestly, man, I've only been in Austin for a year. And when I got here, I realized this was like the style. I've been doing this since I was 11. So it kind of pissed me the fuck off. I don't like it. You started shaving your head at 11? At 11 years old, yeah. Incredible. What made you do it all the way back then? My cousin did it. He actually came home from the Navy Thanksgiving one night and surprised everybody. and at the time I had long, luscious, curly, beautiful hair and he took me to the garage and shaved it off because he's a dickhead, I don't know.

48:44Brian Redban:Mexicans love landscaping. Yeah, that's right. Lewis, what do you do for work? I'm an AV at the Moody Center. Oh, nice. Yeah. Fuck yeah. The arena? The arena, yeah. Nice. Absolutely amazing. For those of you wondering what that question was, here in Austin, for some reason, there's like 15 different moody things. and it's crazy. Yeah, I just work at the arena, though. That's awesome. That's fucking fantastic. How long have you been doing that? Not that long. At the beginning of the year, I think since beginning of January, middle of January. What are some of your favorite shows that you've done so far?

49:17Brian Redban:Oh, man. I just did George Strait. Nice, yeah. He was here this weekend. George Strait was pretty fun. Yeah. He did the round, so he just had the stage in the middle and packed the fucking place out. It was cool. That's awesome. Fun gig. It is. If you're doing AV in Austin, that's the place to be doing it. Yeah, I didn't realize. I mean, I heard Austin was music city, but it's like every fucking door on the street. It's crazy. It's very special. And people get it confused. Nashville often gets that credit, but that's really only, literally, basically only country music, whereas here it's all different kinds of music.

49:53Brian Redban:Yeah, all the genres. Yep. So, Louis, are you from Austin? No, I'm from the Bay Area, California. Okay. How long have you been here? How long have you been here? Since March last year. Okay. So you got that job at the Moody Center pretty fast. Yeah. I mean, I would have liked to have had it before I moved here, but yeah, you know. Great. What was that like, that beginning period before you had that job? Just a lot of kind of figuring out Austin, figuring out what I want to do, and figuring out the comedy scene, just kind of doing side hustle stuff. Some door dashing, of course, just to stay afloat.

50:29Brian Redban:What are some things that surprise you about Austin that are different than the Bay Area? Other than less gay men shitting on the sidewalk. A lot less. A lot less gay men. Still people shitting on the sidewalk. That's something I'm trying to get used to is the homeless. You're a little more aggressive than back home. Why don't you use a toilet?

50:53Gay gay.

50:56Gits me every time. You had really good delivery. Oh, thank you. Yeah. It was so good. I thought it was DiGiornos. All right. I'm smart. So every time I say DiGiornos, I get$100. So I might say it a couple more times. But really, it was a good delivery. I liked it. Thanks, Timmy. Yeah, no problem, man. Yeah. Also, it looks like you have a dickhead.

51:16Brian Redban:Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Louis, tell us something about your life that would surprise us. It's true. I do look like a dickhead. He's not lying. A lot of people don't know that I have 80 % hearing in my right ear and 60 in my left from a skydiving accident. Ooh, what was the accident? I went up congested and jumped from 18 ,000 feet congested and it blew out both my eardrums. Oh. That's really lame. Yeah. I thought it was going to be like, I fucking hit another guy in midair. Yeah. Change that story, man. You're on Kill Tongue. Come on. Just being honest. Your stereo must be annoying, though, for, like, movies and shit like that, right?

51:57Brian Redban:You're, you're, you're, never mind. More importantly, the job that you do for a living at the arena, that must be hard. Yeah. I mean, you going into it with fucking bad hearing is like finding out that your Uber driver is D-madness. Right. Like you're like really getting away with murder over there. Well, you know, I guess that just shows how good I am at my job. Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. Louis, what's your love life like? Non-existent. Why is that? I don't know. Probably because I look like a dickhead. No. Last date that you went on, what was that like? We went and got something to eat and talked most of the time.

52:37Couldn't get a kiss or a hand hold or nothing. No hug. Yeah. Wow. No hand hold, Mike. Yeah. I would not be so hot on yourself. You know, Brad has a wife. There's hope for you. Thanks, Brad. You can do it, too. And you have jokes and you have punchlines. It was so nice to hear fucking real punchlines from a comedian out here tonight. So great. Appreciate it. Thank you. It was so stuffed full of punchlines. I thought it was like, you know, stuffed crust with DiGiorno. Yeah.

53:10Brian Redban:Wow. Another hundred bucks. Louis, here you go. Here's a big joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. Louis Cervantes, everybody. All right. Another bucket pool. We're flying through him tonight. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. It's Michael K. Here comes Michael K., everyone. Here we go. Do-do-doodle-doodle-do, the band's playing music. The band's playing music. So I was thinking a lot about addiction recently. You know, a lot of people addicted to alcohol. They won't admit that they have a problem with it. No, I'm not an alcoholic, but I am a shopaholic.

53:47It's where I spend just way too much money at the liquor store and get drunk all the time. No, I used to do a lot of drugs, actually. Let's hear it for drugs! I used to use this thing called the Silk Road. You guys know what that is? Yeah, all right, nice. If you don't know, it was a dark net marketplace where you could get anything you wanted shipped discreetly to your house using cryptocurrency, right, to keep it pseudo-anonymous. And since they cut out the middleman, like, the prices were so low and the quality was super high, you could get a gram of the most beautiful uncut cocaine straight from Bolivia for, like, 50 Bitcoin.

54:28I don't know if you guys are up to date with the current price of Bitcoin. This was 15 years ago. Let me put it this way. Have you ever partied so hard that you snorted a Lamborghini? Because I snorted four Lamborghini dealerships.

54:46Brian Redban:The top four in North America. There you go, Michael Kay. Very interesting. Is that true? Like, is that real stuff? That's unfortunately very true. Wow, so that was back then, huh? Yeah, I was very early in the space. Was it only cocaine that you would buy off of that? I haven't done it since then because it was so good. I couldn't even be able to do it again. Really? It was just so nice. Wow, amazing stuff. So it was just cocaine that you did buy off of there? Just out of curiosity. I don't really understand the entire dark way. I actually am really stupid, so I had it shipped to me where I live, which is in Japan, actually.

55:25Did you save any Bitcoins? Oh, yeah. No, so I have like a whole Bitcoin saga after that just because. Can you tell us about it? Yeah, it's really long. But so I used to work for this exchange that was called Mt. Gox. It had 90 % of the world's exchange. You guys know Mt. Gox? Yeah. Oh, fuck. So I was the guy who put out all the shitty press releases telling you why you couldn't have your money.

55:51Sorry about that. The guy who was running it, he lost 600 ,000 Bitcoin. Yeah.

55:59Brian Redban:Wow. Yeah. And that's like tens of millions of dollars? No, billions. Oh, shit. Billions of dollars. Yeah, I have no idea. I don't know anything about Bitcoin. So I got subpoenaed by the Southern District of New York for that. Preet Bharara. Wow. That was fun. Amazing. Yeah. So it's made you rich, and then it caused a lot of trouble. I did all right. It happened. And I got subpoenaed the day my first child was born. So it was a perfect away message. Like, sorry, my daughter's born. I can't respond to your subpoena. Wow. Wow. I did respond to the subpoena. How many kids do you have now? Three. You still with the baby mama?

56:38Brian Redban:Not for the first two, but for the third one, yeah. Okay. So you have a new baby mama. Yeah. Right. I don't call her that. So the third kid is with your wife? Yeah, with my partner, yeah. Back in Tokyo. Oh, okay. She's Japanese. Yeah, she's Japanese. Very nice. Is she 18 or how old is she? Yeah. Red Band asked me to ask that. Red Band wants to know? Yeah. So where'd you meet her? Like a sushi restaurant or something? We were working together. What do you do in Japan? Well, I'm producing comedy shows, actually. We're on tour with Kansai, actually. Kansai Yasuda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Kansai's on our tour.

57:17We're doing... He was supposed to be here,

57:19Brian Redban:but we couldn't get him his visa in time, so he's stuck in Canada. Yeah, our president's a little tough on that right now. Don't talk about him like that, Tom. Don't do that. It's okay. It's okay. He likes it. So you're doing English-speaking comedy shows in Tokyo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Japanese shows also. Wow. You can speak Japanese fluently? I do all right. I've been there like 22 years. Oh, amazing. Can we hear some jokes in Japanese? Yeah, can we just... I don't know any Japanese jokes, actually. Can you just say it? I'm not even going to embarrass myself. Can you just spell out Godzilla in Japanese?

57:57Godzilla. There we go. Oh, fuck. That was authentic. That was very authentic. I'm a regular Kansai Yasuda. This guy rocks. We're doing a U.S. tour now with everybody all around for next month with Japanese comedians. Say more Japanese stuff, just a little bit more.

58:15Brian Redban:Can you just say a sentence in Japanese? Anything at all? You've been there 22 years. It doesn't have to be a joke. It can be anything. It's stupid. Oh, okay, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm picking over for a sec. Pick it over. After I ask the question, you go ahead. That makes sense. Perfect. I have the gold microphone, so... That's sick.

58:37So here's what I want you to do. Because you're going to kill if you do this, I think. It's an experiment, okay? I'm an advanced comedian. I've been doing it many months. Two months. So I want you to do, you know, English words, but with a Japanese accent. Ah, that I excel at. Okay, let's hear it. Yeah, what do you want to hear? I don't give a fuck. All right, well, really anybody can do this. Don't step by his punchline. So the key with Japanese is not just the words. Guys fucking don't! All right. My name is Michael, but I am not Japanese. I am American. Okay, add audience laughter and pose for that.

59:20Brian Redban:All right. How about an actual sentence in Japanese? Why did you make just really anything? You've been there 22 fucking years. You can just say something simple. The easiest thing to just say is, What does that mean? Just like a beer. That's helpful for you anywhere. I think I know about you. Kim Congdon recently went there. and I've always wanted to go there so bad. Great question. Is the audience mostly like military or? No, no, no, no. We have a lot of like tourists now, but there's a pretty solid like local contingent. It's packed like every night of the week. We do like two, three shows a night.

1:00:00Brian Redban:So your other two kids are Japanese as well? Yeah. So you have three Japanese kids? Three, yeah, half Japanese. They're very smart. How old's the oldest one? Twelve. Twelve. So is it smarter than you yet? Oh, yeah, she's definitely smarter than me. I'm not the smartest. Wow. Is she bigger than Brad? Well, he's sitting down. I can't really tell, but maybe. His feet are not touching the floor. He's literally the same height whether he's sitting or standing. That's my boy. That's my fucking boy. He stood up and literally... I floated. He almost accidentally ate your ass.

1:00:48Brian Redban:Michael, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. Congratulations. Welcome to Kill Tony. The first... Oh, well. Give away a big one.

1:01:00Oh.

1:01:01Brian Redban:Red Band wants his name. Very interesting. I gotta take a shit. Okay. There you go. Timmy's going to take a shit. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. Very rough handwriting here, so I'm just going to basically guess. Make some noise for Taesuke or Daisuke. Okay, wow, that makes sense. Wow. So I was a comedian in Japan for 23 years. Yeah, I was super successful in Japan. Yeah, but I gave up my entire career, everything, everything to take me up, to take me in here, right? Yeah, sometimes my American friend called me Kamikaze. Yeah, I'm Kamikaze, yeah. Do you know Kamikaze? During World War II, Kamikaze pilot flew with just enough.

1:02:02Failed for one-way trip, just one-way trip. And they crashed into American war ships, right? Yeah, I'm Kamikaze. But to be honest, America is so expensive for me. So every three months, I go back to Japan to make money. Yeah, I'm Kamikaze. I'm Kamikaze, who goes back to Japan four times a year. Yeah, I'm Kamikaze. I'm Kamikaze with frequent flyer miles. Yeah, I'm Kamikaze. I'm Kamikaze. I'm Kamikaze, who can check one extra bag for free? Yeah, I'm a kamikaze who can use the lounge for free. Yeah, I'm a kamikaze who can, who goes back to Japan too much that my English never improves. Thank you.

1:02:50Wow. That's the time.

1:02:53Brian Redban:Everything that we wanted from the last comedian all at once. That was so great. Absolutely incredible. Thank you so much. I'm guessing that you know the last guy, right? You came here with Michael K? Yeah, I know him. You're part of the tour or whatever? Or is it just a complete coincidence? Oh, I'm sorry. I can't understand. Hold on. Hold on. Bring Michael K. back out of here. Go grab Michael K. Finally, we found a good purpose for Michael K., everybody. We're going to use him as a translator to talk to the actual funny comedian that we found out of the bucket. He's my translator. This is incredible.

1:03:28Brian Redban:Michael K., come on up here. Help me, help me. Michael, is this guy on the tour that you brought from yeah okay yeah that makes sense kino can you get that there we go yeah he's on the tour amazing guy this guy's hilarious dude daisuke is huge in japan amazing he's the man how do you say his name daisuke daisuke oh my goodness amazing he's killer welcome welcome ohio ohio i'm from ohio ohio okay oh okay it means good morning okay okay okay Daisuke so we're going to kind of use you as a translator because he's got the one minute set he's definitely a kamikaze but I'm going to ask him some questions here Daisuke what do you love about America?

1:04:20Oh, so

1:04:21Brian Redban:comedy. Oh, look who knows how to speak fucking Japanese all the time No intention whatsoever. He's like the only thing I know how to do is order a beer, Tony You go straight fucking into it when you're under actual pressure. Yeah, so two, two. Everything, so two, you know? So two, T-O-O, right? So, yeah, America and Japanese, so different. Everything, two. So, yeah, so homeless, two homeless. You know, gay people, two gay. Yeah. Yeah, everything, two, right? Yes. The penis, two inches. Yeah. You're too small to be. All right. We are too small. Timmy No Breaks is back, everybody. How we doing?

1:05:08Brian Redban:Whoa. Timmy. Timmy, you need to clean up. What's your name?

1:05:17Brian Redban:What's your name? Oh, Daisuke. Daisuke. What the fuck did you just call me? Daisuke. I think he called you Andrew Daisuke. Yeah, Daisuke. All right. Let's talk about it for a second here, Daisuke. Yeah. So how long have you been doing stand-up? 23 in Japan. 23 Japanese years. And then I moved in New York two years ago. You live in New York now? Yeah, and now New York. And I started learning English in two years. You just learned English two years ago. Everything is memorized now. Amazing. Everything. And you lived in Japan for how long? I've been there 22 years. 22 years. Couldn't give us a fucking sentence in Japanese.

1:05:58Say something funny. Like, you can't just...

1:06:00Brian Redban:Well, all right. So Daisuke, what do you do for work? You make all your money doing comedy? Yeah, just comedy. You make money doing that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in Japan, so real story, every three months I go back to Japan to make money. And then, so open mic. And in Japan, I make money, you know, over and over. He's really a star in Japan, so he sells hard tickets in Japan. He goes back to Japan for a month or two at a time and just tours the whole time and then goes back to New York. Wow, I love it. The Romans in New York. Amazing, what an amazing anomaly you are, Daisuke. So 23, how old are you?

1:06:39Brian Redban:45. Holy shit. What the shit? Yeah, so Asian, Asian. So if there are Epstein Island in Japan, pedophiles panic. Wow. Did you used to have like really big legs or something? What do you mean? The pants are humongous. I'm just like... That's the fashion.

1:07:07Oh, yeah, I understand. He's a racist. Yes, very good. I wanted to be... I wanted to be... This is Texas! This is Texas!

1:07:24Brian Redban:All right, all right. This is incredible. Daisuke, are you in love? Do you have kids? Do you have a family or anything? Single. You get a lot of action in Japan. I bet there's a lot of fans that like to bang you after shows. Am I correct? Can you translate that for me, Michael? What? When I came to here, I broke up. So Dampeter, my girlfriend. Racist. Oh, that's my friend. Me too. Right. Where you come from, what do they do when babies are born that come out like Brad? What? Brad.

1:08:22Brian Redban:Translate it, Michael. Kamikaze.

1:08:31Yeah, but, so, yeah, Japanese people are same told.

1:08:36Brian Redban:I gotta go to Japan, guys. Yeah. You might be Andre the giant. Regular, regular style. I'm gonna tour with you to Japan. I love it. I love it. This is gonna be awesome. I'm gonna take over. Yeah. I'm gonna sit in a chair and my legs are gonna touch the ground. That'd be fuckin' sweet. Daisuke, what is your favorite American cuisine? And when you translate, Michael, speak into the microphone. Just say it. Ask him. Into the microphone. See what the fuck I'm talking about? Amazing. Please say pussy. Fluent fuckin' Japanese. So, you know, food trucks are Mexican food. I love Mexican food. I love, I love.

1:09:19But I don't like slant, you know?

1:09:23Brian Redban:No, wait, what? Slantro. I hate slantro. The smell, the smell taste, especially pronunciation. Okay, DiGiorno is with like a fucking word with you. Pronunciation is fuck slantro. Amazing. Slantro, I hate the L and R sounds. What is your favorite thing to eat when you're in Japan? Japan? Favorite Japanese cuisine? Sushi. Sushi. He doesn't understand it if you just use the accent. He'd do Italian on him. Sushi. You know it's a Japanese cuisine. No, no. I speak a fluent in Japanese. You like nigiri? Yeah, you know nigiri. Yeah, nigiri. I like shrimp. I like shrimp. Why'd you look at his penis? You are what you eat.

1:10:19Do you have any Japanese or American comedians

1:10:23Brian Redban:that you looked up to or that got you into comedy? Great question, Red Band. The rare, unbelievably great question. Yeah, so...

1:10:34Yeah, so... Yeah, so... Yeah, so, you know Japanese comedian. Yeah. So, but Japanese comedian, you know, downtown, you know, so very famous comedian. But, so America is so different. So, five years ago, I watched on YouTube, you know, George, George Carlin. Ah, George Carlin. George Curry Who is comedian? And then I decided to come to America

1:10:58Brian Redban:Yeah, because of George Curry I love that, that's a great answer From a great question, I'm going to hand for Red Band And Dice J Let me ask you this, Michael, because I'm curious How many of these How many of these kamikazes Did you bring with you to kill Tony today? Including Kahn say it would be five Okay, very good I love it, there might be more selected later, but I'm very glad to meet you, Daisuke. Is there any females in the group? Yeah. Yes, Yudian. Really? There is? I love Yudian. After party? Daisuke, I'm going to give you a big Kill Tony joke book. I want to make it a good one here.

1:11:36Brian Redban:There you go, my friend. Boom. How about a hand for the Kill Tony debut? I'm doing Suggie! Thank you. Thank you. Hell yeah. Are you here on Thursday? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you invite him to the... Moon Tower Week. So what the fuck does that mean? Moon Tower owns the... Oh, my God. You sold out to that festival. No, no, no. I just picked people like Jeremiah. Got it. Larbler. Oh, got it, got it, got it. It's very exciting for the show. It's amazing you can't give this guy fucking five minutes, but okay. Yep, go ahead. So from tomorrow, we will start our tour around the world. Around the America.

1:12:17please Instagram check me Daisuke Muramoto

1:12:21Brian Redban:and just to make sure your Instagram is Monsters Tokyo Instagram is D-A-I-S-U-K-E yeah yeah yeah so no no M-U-R-A Muramoto Daisuke okay okay see you one day Daisuke I like your style buddy oh yeah there it is Miramoto Daisuke 1-1-2-5 if anyone's looking for the Wi-Fi password. It's on the back of the router. Miramotodasaki, 1125. All lowercase letters. Good fucking luck. It's the first time someone's sold negative tickets from a promotion on this show. Comedian Daisuke. Brad, what sort of comedians do you look up to? Alright. Every single fucking one of them. Alright. Let's keep it moving here, ladies and gentlemen.

1:13:19Brian Redban:Your next bucket pool. This looks like a real American name, everybody. Make some noise for Remington Blake Windsor, everyone. Oh, my goodness.

1:13:32How the hell are y 'all doing? All right, that's enough crowd work. I want to preface this first joke by saying that I do not condone police brutality.

1:13:49I think it is not cool however if you think about it where would rap music be if cops were always nice to black people laughter

1:14:04you know there'd be no Tupac no Biggie, no Ice Cube no Ice Cube laughter do you want to live in a world without the movie Are We There Yet?

1:14:25I was giving my roommate a ride the other day, and she was like, Remington, why is your car so clean? And I was like, well, I lit her.

1:14:41Brian Redban:Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Jokes, set-ups, punchlines. We haven't really seen anything quite like it tonight, believe it or not. Thank you. We're an hour and some change into the show. I worked really hard on it. I didn't want to disappoint you, sir. You're amazing. How long have you been on stand-up? I started right after all the COVID restrictions lifted. Where at? Little Woodroves in South Park Meadows. I was the door guy there. You're in Austin. Yes, sir. Amazing. that you have gone under the radar this long. How long have you been signing up for the show? Since this past New Year's Eve.

1:15:21I signed up a couple times when I had tickets and stuff, but I kind of left it for people who were living in their cars really going for it, you know, because I didn't even know if I was good.

1:15:34Brian Redban:I like the fact that you took time to prepare and get ready for the show. Some people make the absolutely ridiculously mentally ill mistake of starting on this show for attention. Some people this. Oh my goodness. You guys are so out of control. Did you jump into the mirror? What happened? You got cocaine on your nose. I don't know what you're talking about, man. This is natural. Amazing. That's a pretty good bit. Bilago. You look like Rick. Just Rick.

1:16:14Brian Redban:Yeah. Carlos, why is your psychiatrist here? Amazing. So, Remington Blake Windsor, you are incredible. If you had to guess how many minutes like that you have, how long would you guess? That minute was so smart and funny. I got about ten ready to go. That's great, man. Fantastic stuff. So, Remington, let me ask you this. How do you make money nowadays? I was in the army and while I was in I got an owie and that you did so I get about as much as a schoolteacher does for breathing and thank you for your heroic fucking I wasn't overseas I got it while I was in the US doesn't still get what happened and can we ask what happened it was a training accident snow is a lot harder than I thought it was.

1:17:13And I fell off this obstacle course thing and severed all the tendons that connect your collarbone to your shoulder blade. Ah, yeah. Yeah.

1:17:23Brian Redban:That sucks. And now I get paid, though. That's great, man. That's amazing. I mean, it's, you know. It's awesome. That's great for you. Anything could have happened. I mean, had you not had that injury, you could have had to go work at Home Depot. You could have been injured overseas. Something like that. So, Remington, tell us more about your life. What would we be surprised to know about you? Do you have any special skills or talents other than being a very good joke writer? I got kick-ass ankle jewelry. Whoa. Oh, my God. You got to be fucking kidding me. Of all the people that we've had up here tonight, Remember, there was a guy named DJ Coyote earlier.

1:18:10Brian Redban:You're the one with the fucking ankle monitor? Yes, sir. What did you do to earn that amazing piece of hardware? I got two DWIs in 14 days. Oh, my God. Take us through this process. So the first one, let's just go through it. Let's take a guess. Give me a ballpark of what you had to drink that night. I like drinking. I'm a fan of it. I tend to do Crown Royals and Coca-Colas, and I throw in shots of tequila in between. Like a straight guy. Yeah. I had to drive all the way back to New Bronzeville, so I stuck with Dos Equis. Oh, wow. So how many Dos Equis do you think you had the night of the first DUI?

1:18:53Brian Redban:Just a ballpark's fine. Fifteen? Seven. Seven's okay. That would have killed me. Yeah, seven's a lot for Brad. That's what I told the cop, at least. Okay. But seriously, it was about that amount? I mean, I guess when you start in the morning and just... What did you blow? Oh, God, Timmy, don't finish it. That was a question for Tone. Don't finish it. Okay, very good. Okay, stick with me here because I find DUIs very intriguing. So how close were you to New Braunfels to home when you got this DUI? I was actually turning into my neighborhood. I got pulled over. That is normally how it happens. That's why I ask these tough questions.

1:19:41I got pulled over for not using my blinker. And I was in a turn-only lane. I thought it was implied. Yeah.

1:19:51Brian Redban:I love it. Okay, so this is a big one. Do you remember on that first DUI, the moment you knew you were fucked? Was there, like, a question he asked you that you answered incorrectly? and you're like, oh, God. He was like, where are you coming from? And I said home, but I was going. Ah, yeah, that'll do it. See, this is interesting. Now. They're tricky, those police. They are. They are. Okay, so let's switch to the second DUI. Two DUIs within 14 days. You probably shouldn't have been driving at all this time, right? No. But there you were. And then how many drinks do you think you had this time?

1:20:31Brian Redban:Same amount, ballpark? Ballpark, same amount. How far? I just like from morning to whenever I go to sleep, just White Claw. Okay. But I mean, again, seven, that seems like a low amount from morning to night. It was probably more, that's just where I lose count. Right, exactly. Okay, so this one, was it a little more like the midway point or was this also very close to home? It was midway point. Yeah. But, you know, like they ask you for your license and insurance. Oh, yeah. He was just like, how much have you had to drink tonight? Like with his head back. And I said seven. Oh, yeah. That'll do it.

1:21:15And he was like, how long have you been drinking? I said three and a half hours. Went out to do the field sobriety test. test went ZYXWVUTSRQPONMOKJIHGFEDCBA. And he was like, you have to wait for us to ask that.

1:21:46Brian Redban:This is Kill Tone. Wow. I got some news that when he came in, he was wearing brass knuckles. wearing brass knuckles that is protection from the homeless that makes sense all right to and from the car i'm not a dangerous that makes sense you have to defend yourself out here on these streets have you ever had to use the brass knuckles no not yet very good good um are you serious yeah like a bit or is that true no we're being serious i carry them around i used to carry a stun gun but am i the only person that thinks that's fucking crazy to have brass knuckles on to just punch a fucking homeless guy?

1:22:26Brian Redban:No, that's why it was brought to our attention and featured on the show. I wouldn't recommend bear spray. I don't want to get mugged. Get bear spray. It's better, though. Okay. Red Band walks around with bear spray. Just in case if he wants to freshen his breath a little bit. All right. Remington, Blake Windsor, I find you so intriguing. I beg you to sign up again and show us another minute. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Thank you so much. One more time for a joke writer, a joke teller, Remington Blake Windsor, everybody.

1:23:02Yeah.

1:23:03Brian Redban:All right, everybody. We are going to switch things over to a golden ticket winner. Now, this isn't just any golden ticket winner. This is a very compelling one. I gave this guy a golden ticket based on the fact that he was funnier in his interview than he was during his set. And almost every answer he gave was hilarious. it's a work in progress this isn't one of those he was unbelievably hilarious and so Tony gave him a golden ticket this is a young comedian that I think over the years is going to grow into something special or end up a fucking news headline somewhere make some noise for him ladies and gentlemen this is the long awaited return his first ever golden ticket cash in the second time ever on the show make some noise for Angel Diaz everybody here we go

1:23:57Hell yeah! Keep it going for Kill Tony! Fuck yeah! Alright, um, so, uh, I have a serious question for everyone involved in this situation right now Um, who here likes anime? Yeah, fuck anime, honestly That shit is fucking gay Like, honestly, the people who watch anime try so hard to convince you to watch it too that, you know, honestly, it feels like I'm about to go jerk somebody off while watching it. You know, like, it got to the point where, like, the people, I don't know, man. Like, it kind of throws me off, like, this whole anime thing. Like, the other day, my friend was like, yo, Angel, we should do a couple of bumps of ketamine and go watch anime.

1:24:36And I was like, nigga, do you want me to fuck you in the ass? Like, it got to the point, I don't know, bro. Like, when it comes to this ant, I don't know. Like, the people, like, I don't like the way they draw these women. Like, it's like, yeah, she has big titties. I can see them jiggling. But there's a fucking back... Like, she's wearing a backpack. Like...

1:25:01There's lockers in the background. Who the fuck is drawing this shit with a hard dick? All right, yo, my name is Angel Diaz.

1:25:11Brian Redban:Angel Diaz. With another set, much like he had last time. but the interview is always very interesting with you angel you're a very compelling character yeah yeah i am uh i'm a good guy how's life been since your last appearance on this show uh tony i've been getting hella pussy everywhere nice um i've been hitting it raw and coming inside all of them whoa angel that's crazy why are you doing that angel diaz uh you might need this soon. No, I won't. I'm doing it because it makes me feel good. Yes, it does. Yeah, yo, give it up for hitting it without a condom, actually. Yeah, absolutely. I completely agree.

1:25:54Brian Redban:100%. This crowd is with that. This is a crowd, the angriest they've been all night is when a guy on stage holding that microphone said that he doesn't eat pussy. Oh, hell not. Yo, pussy, yo, honestly, I make my girlfriend come every time. How do you do it, Angel? How do you do it? What's your method? All right, so I start off with... All right, so I start off eating her vagina in, like, kind of like a slow way. Do you guys want me to do the facial thing? Yes. Yeah. Yo, all right, turn around. No, no, don't do it.

1:26:33Brian Redban:He's chasing him. He almost chased him for a second. This guy looks like a giant pussy. Go over there. He had a fat ass. He doesn't have a fat ass. Brad's got those fucking butter cakes over there. Fucking 11-year-old fat ass. What? With a big, juicy, tits backpack. He's got those fucking cupcakes over there, dude. All right, so Angel Diaz, back to you. When you make your women cum, when you do that, what's the next thing that you do right after that? Do you tend to, what do you do? Do you say something? Do you do something after they female ejaculate, if you will? All right, so... What do you do?

1:27:15All right, when I start eating the vagina... Oh, what was that, sir? Oh, my bad. All right, so when I start eating the vagina, I be like, yo, bitch, turn around. And then she does, and then I just start eating it from the back, and then I put my finger in her asshole while I'm eating it from the back. You get it. You were too excited, actually.

1:27:37Brian Redban:And then what? and then what do you do, Angel? After you put the finger in. Our senior straight correspondent, D. Madness, is here. Famously homophobic, but when someone's eating a girl's pussy from the backside throwing a finger in her ass, he comes back from the bathroom immediately. Oh, you wanted me to know what I do when, uh... You just leave the finger in there? All right, so I put the finger in there and then I wiggle it around a little bit and then, um... All right, so, like, to the point where it's like I can touch, like, my own finger through the vagina. Ah, very good. The old telepathic alien touch.

1:28:12Brian Redban:We all know that maneuver. That's how I know I'm doing it good, you know? Like, once I feel my own finger. That's right. Absolutely, Angel. You're doing very good right now. Angel, what else have you been doing? Do you have any other hobbies that we don't know about that we didn't find out about last time you were on this show? Hobbies? Oh, not really. Yo, but I got hit by a car like two days ago. Oh, shit. That happens to some of the best comedians in the world. Happened to Sam Kinison. Happened to Roseanne Barr. Happened to Brad Williams. Four times. Whoa. Yeah. Well, I mean. Makes sense. Those were black guys.

1:28:52Brian Redban:That was a car. Yeah. Amazing. Backed up over me. Amazing. Okay, so tell us about this car hitting you, Angel. What were you running from at the time? Um, yo, uh, uh, actually, yo, I wasn't even running. It was just, like, all right, so the lady was fucking Asian. Oh, we know. Guys, slow down. Like, it was, all right, so, like, I'm not, like, a racist guy or anything, so pretty much I get hit by the car, and then I said, yo, bitch, you don't see? And then I realized that she was Asian, and I was like, you know what? Forget it. Actually, I didn't see. My bad.

1:29:32Brian Redban:Oh, my God. It was a kamikaze mission. Angel Diaz. So you're back in New York. That's where you live full time. Yep, born and raised. Yeah. What's going on out there? You having fun out there? What's shaking? You said, was shaking out there? Yeah, what's going on out there? I don't know the terminology that you kids speak, but what's happening? type shit. Okay, so what's happening right now in New York? Yeah. Alright, let me think. Alright, let me think. Alright, let me actually give this like a good thought. What do you think about this new mayor, Mondani, that you guys have? Oh, okay, okay. I actually have a lot of things about to say about this guy.

1:30:07Brian Redban:Okay, great. Yo, fuck Mondani. I'm not gonna lie. You know what threw me off about him? It was just like, alright, his heart was in the right place. I'm gonna start off with saying that. But ain't no way you could actually make that stuff happen. This nigga said the bus is free. Like, bro, like, you guys are paying taxes. Who is this guy? And then, like, I don't know. Like, yo, fuck my dog. No, I can't say that because I'm going to have to fucking see this guy. No, you're not going to see him. By the way, just to point out a crazy fun fact. You said that you can't make the bus free. People have to pay taxes.

1:30:46Brian Redban:And somehow, you, Angel Diaz, make more economic sense than he does. The mayor of New York, even you, who thinks anime is shaking tits with backpacks and lockers and eats pussy on the back and feels your own finger and that's when you know you did a good job, you know that economically it doesn't work to lower taxes and give out the bus for free. You know that that's impossible. Isn't that incredible that you know that and the new mayor doesn't know that and the majority of New York voted for him? guys, I'm gonna start this off by saying I'm running for fucking mayor of New York City. Yeah! Oh my God.

1:31:27Yeah! Yeah! I'm running, I don't know, where, I don't know.

1:31:34Brian Redban:You could actually win. You actually have a chance. All right, anything else crazy happening in your life, Angel Diaz? All right, let me see. Oh, in Austin, yo, I've been staying with this one chick that, like, does OnlyFans. And, like, I slept on her floor last night. And, yo, guys, I'm going to start this off by saying I'm not hitting that. And I don't want to. Like, the other day she was like, yo, Angel, I'm going to go and give this guy a foot job. But the way she said it sounded like she was about to go pick up some fucking change or some bullshit. Like, it was, I don't know. Like, that's what I've been up to here.

1:32:06I've been staying with this OnlyFans shorty. And I've been trying so hard to not hit that. Like, it got to the point where it's like, I feel like, yeah, she is trying to trick me into hitting that but nah, I'm not hitting that. Why aren't you hitting that? Because she's, oh damn, I shouldn't say this now.

1:32:23Brian Redban:What's your screen name? Hold on, Red Band. Jesus fucking Christ. When I ask a question, guys, let the fucking person try to answer for a second. Go ahead. Why would you not hit it with an OnlyFans? Yeah, why would you not hit it? I'll tell you right now, it's because if I do hit, then this girl knows what my penis looks like and And it's going to make me... I just don't want her to... I just don't want her to tell nobody what exactly it looks like. Perfect. That's a good answer. That's not a good answer. What do you mean? It makes no sense. But good. I like it. I like it. It's fun. It's fun stuff.

1:33:03Brian Redban:Thank you. I think it's his way of being self-deprecating and saying that he doesn't have a penis worth the world knowing about. How would you know? Tony, I will show you my penis right now. I don't know. No, I get it. It's a fun riff. I like that. All right. Angel, very, very great interview as always. We think you're so funny. Thank you for coming back, and we'll see you again soon. Golden Ticket winner, first-time cash-in, Angel Diaz. He'll be back. We're going to keep it moving. All right. Your next bucket pool, uh-oh, very high expectations of the name. Make some noise for Ty Funny, everybody.

1:33:43Brian Redban:Tye Bonny is his last name. Cut that shit, DJ.

1:33:55Got this pink sweater on. I just left a lesbian baby shower. They were all girls.

1:34:05Yeah, my cousin, she's like the stud out of the relationship. That was the first time I got to see it, so I didn't know what to say. I was like, damn, got a nigga pregnant. Got a nigga pregnant. But her and her baby mother beefing, so we're not sure if she might be a single mother and father right now. We gonna see. I just got fired from my job for stealing my coworker lunch. Anybody ever steal their coworker lunch before? Just me. I stole my coworker hot pocket out the microwave, out the sleeve.

1:34:42You ever help somebody look for some shit that you stole? I came out the break room with the Hot Pocket sleeve. Like, yo, nigga stealing Hot Pockets now? Just go and leave the sleeve.

1:34:57Brian Redban:Thank you, that's my time. Hi, funny. Good minute. Is that a true story? You really steal the Hot Pocket or it's just a joke, right? I really stole the Hot Pocket. Oh, my God. What job was this at? What kind of job was it? This was at the YMCA when I was aquatic director. Oh, my God. Amazing. What exactly were you doing at the YMCA? I was an aquatic director. You were the aquatic director? You were no fucking way, dude. I can swim better than everybody up here. Are you serious? I used to train with Michael Phelps. I'm from Baltimore. You trained with Michael Phelps? Yes, sir. Holy shit. That's like me being the basketball coach.

1:35:39Or me being Jewish, you know?

1:35:42Brian Redban:It's like me being the how to make a woman have an orgasm coach. Am I right? Because I'm so gay. Or Red Band being skinny. I actually, I know something. You didn't say the M word at all. Did you want to do well or not really?

1:36:00Brian Redban:Welcome to the show, Ty Funny. How long have you been on stand-up? I've been on it for about ten years. Ten years. All of it in the Baltimore area? Baltimore, a little bit of Atlanta, New York. I've traveled. I've been here before. I love it. How long ago? You were on the show before or in Austin? I did the open mic on the other side. At the mother ship? Yes, sir. Nice. Awesome. So 10 years, you're kind of going around everywhere. Where are you based out of? New York? Right now, Austin, Texas. Oh, nice. How long have you lived here? I just moved down here probably last year. Sweet. Fantastic. How are you making money here?

1:36:34Brian Redban:I drive trucks right now. You're a truck driver. Yes, sir. Wow. Amazing. What type of freight are you pulling? Food. Food? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How many hot pockets are you stealing? At least 80 ,000. The load's coming in a little light. I love it, Ty. Take us through some interesting fun facts about being a truck driver, because none of us can really even imagine. We just see you guys. I do a thing where I try to make you honk. Do you respond to people that do that? Not for adults, for the kids, for the kids, for sure. Everybody always says that. He would do it for me. He would do it for me. Yeah, you would trick them.

1:37:12Brian Redban:You trick them. You do the thing, you cover up your facial hair and then just go like that. I get, I have an unbelievable ratio. I'm sure some of my friends up in the balcony that maybe are watching can attest to this. But a little fun fact about me, you get me sitting shotgun in your car. I go nonstop. Red Band knows this. We've traveled the country all around. Back when we used to have to drive from gig to gig like absolute animals. Like we paid our dues. In any way, in any matter, I have a very high ratio. You don't think you would honk if a guy like me was like, please, please, come on, sir.

1:37:46Brian Redban:Please. Only if you had kids in the back. I would still kind of look at you suspicious. Word for you, Tony. They do look at me a little suspicious sometimes when they do it in that one glimpse. You're giving road head to Red Band while you're doing it. Yes. I'm giving Roadhead to Red Band while I'm doing it. Timmy One Note, everybody. Timmy One Note, hard at work over here. Yeah, well, he's fucking gay, so I don't know what else to do. He doesn't give me a lot of stuff to work with. It's very hard to do. Fun fact, I never let Red Band drive a single mile on any of our road trips, correct? In fact, I don't think I let anybody drive.

1:38:23Brian Redban:He was always in control of everything that we ever did. Correct. Okay, very good. Ty, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Knowing that you've had a job as an aquatic director and can swim better than anybody on stage, which is definitely the whitest thing about you, what do you think is the blackest thing about you, other than the fact that you stole a Hot Pocket once?

1:38:48I don't know. I think the blackest thing is that we probably... I don't fucking know.

1:38:53Brian Redban:You run late sometimes? I mean, yeah, for sure. There you go. That'll work. We can start there. So there's a lot. And I smoke Newports. Oh, yeah, there you go. Perfect. Absolutely. Shout out to Newports, official sponsor of Kill Tony. I love it. What's your preferred type of woman right now? What are you into right now? Anything that's a girl right now. I have this problem on dating sites where, like, I was talking to this badass trans nigga for, like, three days. He was a bad bitch He was a bad bitch The nigga was a bad bitch Take us through this process Step by step Did you immediately know it was a trans?

1:39:43Brian Redban:No She sent me some titty pictures So I sent him back a dick pic Oh yeah Then he sent me a dick pic

1:39:55Now I got a nube floating around the LGBT community.

1:40:02Brian Redban:Did you swim away or anything? Amazing. That is so funny, Ty. Yeah, when a chick sends you a dick pic, that's no bueno, dude. No bueno. No bueno. Amazing. Amazing. And how about here in Austin? Are you doing good with the ladies or whatever here in Austin? I mean, I'm just getting settled in, so we'll see. Absolutely. I'm sure. What's your living situation? You living by yourself? Yes, sir. Nice. Little studio apartment? You know it. And what's the craziest thing? If we were to open your refrigerator door right now, what would be the weirdest thing that we would find in it? Probably that trans man that I was...

1:40:45Brian Redban:You are so funny, Ty. I am, you know. You really are. You really are a funny guy. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Here's a big joke book. Sign up again. Come back, Ty. Sign up again and come back, see us again. We want another minute. One more time for Ty Funny, everybody. Here's another bucket pool, everybody. We are coming around the corner. This should be about it. Make some noise for Bobby Ludlam, everyone. Bobby Ludlam. What's up, Austin, Texas? How the hell are you? My name is Bobby Ludlam. That's our first to Bobby and our last to Lincoln, Union, Delta, Lima, Alpha, Mary, if any of you are fucking cops out there.

1:41:31I moved here from California because in California you have to suck dick for stage time. At least that's what I thought. Boy, was I embarrassed. I was trying polyamory, which is Latin, for lonely on Friday night. I tried to get my girlfriend to have sex with me in the public restroom You know the family restroom at the public pool and she said no what if we get caught and I told her don't worry I'll just tell him you're my sister I only play tag with non-binary so I can call them it Bedtime must be a confusing time for the parents of a trans lad when do you stop tucking him in I drew an extremely detailed picture of Israel after a drone strike and I accidentally invented a new form of art called hyper-Israelism I don't always wear a watch if I want to know what time it is I pull out my cock and someone says hey, your cock's out and it's 3 o 'clock in the afternoon and I go, thank you very much Bobby Ludlam amazing Bobby, where are you from?

1:42:39From California, Tony.

1:42:43Pomona, California. Very funny. I love it. How about the accent? Where's that from? I just picked it up when I was working at Costco recently to mess with the people.

1:42:58Very funny, Bobby. Thank you very much. I appreciate you guys. True fan of the show here.

1:43:03Brian Redban:Oh, nice. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. So, Bobby, how long have you been on stand-up? I've been doing stand-up almost five years. Five years. Flipped right back into it. Yeah, that happens. That Costco will get you. Seriously, where are you from? Pomona, California. Yeah, but how do you have that accent? I don't. That was just for fun. Really? Just part of the show, Tony. I started on your show five years ago in L.A. Really? Yes, sir. Been grinding ever since, trying to do this thing. Was this during the pandemic? It was. And it was one where you, like, sent in a video? No, I showed up at the Comedy Mother store, yeah.

1:43:39The Comedy Store. Yeah, no, I get it. It happens.

1:43:42Brian Redban:So this was in the empty main room, basically? It was, right to a camera for my first time. Wow. Yeah. An empty room for your first time. And you've been working hard on it since? Yes, sir. Yeah. The jokes are very, very smart. Not always absolutely hysterical, but you have a very smart brain. Thank you. Yes. Timmy, no breaks. Yeah, so you were doing an accent. right? It just drives me crazy when people do a character. Just be yourself, you know? Fucking cut it out, be yourself. What are you doing? You don't need a fucking character in order to blow up a kill talk. Five years ago, Tony said the same thing.

1:44:23He said, start writing from the heart. You look like a crackhead, write like one. Yeah. Amazing.

1:44:29Brian Redban:Here we are. And so you still live in Pomona? No. I moved to Chicago for a couple of years and now I just moved to Austin last week. Okay. I've been here one week. Wow. So this is your first time signing up for the show? I signed up three weeks ago. I went on a cross country tour with some friends from California to New York and we stopped by here and signed up, but didn't get called. Is that when you decided to move here or did you already plan on moving? I'd been planning on moving here. Nice. And you plan to move here basically to do standup comedy? Yes, sir. What do you do to make money? All kinds of things.

1:45:03Right now, I got a job on craigslist as a live-in caretaker for a 77 year old man who has alzheimer's wow and they let me move in with him without even ever meeting me yeah wow luckily i'm not a psycho did they see

1:45:20Brian Redban:a picture of you or anything i wouldn't have gotten the job no wow are you afraid they might find out about it from this episode perhaps someone's watching no they'll be okay yeah And even if the guy's watching, he's going to forget about it anyway. Yeah. If he tried to call his family and complain about you, they wouldn't believe him anyway. They're like, ah, he's having one of his episodes. He said the guy is a fucking mohawk and speaks with an Irish accent.

1:45:47Brian Redban:Amazing. Amazing. So what's that like? How long have you been with this 77-year-old? So he has delusions and hallucinations. He's claimed that they're hiding drugs under his living room. He told me that the person who was taking care of him before was doing abortions in the bedroom that I'm currently staying in. Have you seen any hint of this? Are there any? No. A couple nights ago, he woke me up with a knife in his hand at 3 in the morning, and he told me there were three people that had broken into the house, and they were currently in his bed, and that he wanted them out. Did you go check? I said, give me the knife.

1:46:21He gave me the knife. I said, I don't want you to fall. I went in, helped him out, checked the bed, checked under the bed.

1:46:27Brian Redban:So you really are taking care of this guy. I really am. And they're paying you, and you have a place to stay. So room and board, no pay, but free rent in Austin. Yeah, that's cool. Is it far from here? Oh, about 25 minutes. Okay. And all right. So how are you making money? So I had a gig at Costco doing food samples, and they told me it would transfer here. But as soon as I got here, I asked for some availability, and they haven't given me anything yet. So I'm currently looking. I do all kinds of stuff, construction, and it should be pretty easy. But you have enough to survive for a little bit.

1:47:05Survive is, yeah. Luckily, it doesn't take much for me. I'm kind of a minimalist. So, yeah, surviving. Same. There you go. What are your hair gel expenses? How much do you spend on that? I crush one blue chew up into some water, and I spray my head with it. It happens right there.

1:47:25Brian Redban:Blue Chew Gold? We love Blue Chew out here on these streets, just to let you know. All right. So, Bobby, anything else crazy we should know about you? Any special skills or talents or anything like that? Yeah. Tons of weird stuff. I wrote a few of them down. I could beat any person on this stage at a staring contest except D-Madness. For sure. Good point. What else you got? It took me three years to find out I got shot. Ooh, tell us about that. So I got in trouble a long time ago. I had to go to jail. I went to jail and I got released on my own recognizance to prepare for trial. And the first bit of time I was in jail was pretty uncomfortable.

1:48:08I was pretty broke. And I'd learned one of the things you could do is smuggle things back in with you to jail to make some money. So I got released and I decided to, you know, smuggle drugs back into jail when I went back in. And as I was getting the intake process, a sergeant came out and he asked the cop who was intaking us if I'd gone through the full body scanner yet. And he said, no, he didn't know how to use it. And the sergeant said, well, time to learn. And they put me through a full body scanner and the cop said, you ever been shot before? And I thought he meant he was going to shoot me because I was filled with drugs.

1:48:45And I said, no, sir. And he said, all right, I'm calling a detective down to open a case. And I said, why? And he said, what's inside of you? And I almost went, drugs. And he said, you got a bullet in the back of your right kneecap. Did you know that? And I went, what? And he went, have you ever been shot? And I went, oh, yeah, that bullet. Yeah, I got shot. And he said, and you forgot? And I said, yeah. And he said, get the fuck back in line. And I get back in line, and I'm shaking, like visibly shaking. And there's this gangster dude next to me. He's got L.A. tattooed on his forehead, but not just the words.

1:49:20the whole skyline of L.A. tattooed on his forehead. And he goes, what are you shaking for, dog? You're a gangster. And I went, what? And he went, dude, most people get shot. They brag about it. You got shot and forgot. And I said, and I'm also filled with drugs. And he went, what? We're going to party when we get in there. Hell yeah.

1:49:43Brian Redban:Let's go. Well, Bobby, I like your style, man. It's incredible that you started on an empty stage during the pandemic, during the comedy store. And here you are. Wasn't that unbelievable, but I like the fact that you wore a Kill Tony shirt and that you're that big of a fan and that you're chasing your dreams. So here's a big joke book. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Bobby. Thanks, Bobby. Love them, everybody. All right. One last bucket pool. We're going into overtime. Is that okay with you guys? You guys still having fun out there? We're going to extend it a little bit longer because why the fuck not?

1:50:15Brian Redban:Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody. Will Hunsinger. Here we go. Feels good to be here, man. I love doing this shit. It's my favorite part of my night every night. It's going to perform for you guys. I still got my day job and everything. My day job, I'm an engineer. I got my degree in aerospace engineering, which is not what you want to hear right now. I know that. Because you don't want someone working on airplanes who has other dreams.

1:50:46You understand? We told too many kids they can be anything when they grow up. You know what I mean? That's why the doors were flying off at Boeing. Because somewhere the door guy just wanted to dance. You know what I'm saying? You don't want dreamers making airplanes, all right? You want autism making airplanes. You want the type of guy when his peas touches mashed potatoes, he freaks out. Like that. Just like, everything must be symmetrical. And you're like, good, Tyler. Good. Okay. Calm down. Give him more Pokemon cards. We're paying him in Pokemon cards. We gave him a Charizard last week. He finished the whole fucking plane.

1:51:26This kid's incredible.

1:51:28Brian Redban:All right. Yeah. Funny. Will Hunsinger. Have you been on this show before, Will? I have. Yeah, I remember you. Welcome back, Will. How are you? Feels good. It's good. I don't know. Last time I was shit in my pants, so this feels better. Am I happy this went? Okay. Tell us about the difference between last time and this time. Well, last time I was, like, in a relationship, and you start pressing me on sexual shit right away. And I was like, I don't want to embarrass anybody. And now I'm single, so I'm just like, fuck it, who cares? Great. It was like a weird spot. So what were you afraid to answer last time?

1:52:00I don't remember. I think you were asking me, like, bad sexual stories, and I was just like, I don't want to say this in front of three million people. So go ahead. What are they now? Oh, God, it's been weird, man. I'll be honest. Like, the breakup, like, we split up, like, a couple months ago, and it was like not a good one. Like, because sometimes you got to have a breakup and you're like, hell yeah. You know what I mean? Like, we've all been in that breakup. And other times you're in the breakup where you're like, man, I'm going to watch Saving Private Ryan all night tonight. Like, that's...

1:52:26So it's just been sad, weird shit, you know? Like, we were in Tampa the other week. I was doing shows out there and there's a lot of swingers out there and this couple came up to me after and they were like, my husband, this woman was like, my husband likes to watch. Like, would you be interested in that? And I was like, yeah, he's about to watch me cry in your arms tonight, bitch. I'm like... I'm not down for this shit, dude. I'm not ready. I was like, if you could just sit in that chair and tell me he's proud of me, that would be way...

1:52:54I just need a hug, dude. I'm good. I'm not... Dude, shout out Blue Chew, man. It works for coke dick and depression. Did you know that? It fucking had my back.

1:53:04Brian Redban:Blue Chew Gold actually does. It has things that affect your mental health that make you feel better. It is true. Yeah, it's been... Will, what else is going on in life? Yeah, I mean, it's been weird running around Austin. I've been here for like a year and a half. Comedy's going good. We've been busy there. You know, I moved here from Vegas, and Vegas was fucking nuts, so it's kind of good being here. What did you do for a living in Vegas? So I went to school for aerospace engineering, so I worked for like a jet engine company for a little while. And then now I work for the city of Austin, fucking water department.

1:53:33Fucking got you guys. We're doing our best. No, it's great. I like it here. But yeah, Vegas worked in this giant dangerous chemical plant that's now been like shut down. And that place was fucking sketchy as shit because it was all like condemned. And it was weird. It was weird because like you'd be in these like giant buildings, these giant like chemical buildings and stuff. And then they'd be like, there'd be a chain link fence through the middle of it. And they'd be like, yo, that other half of the building is condemned and radioactive. And I was like, that's a chain link fence. Like I don't think we're going to be all right.

1:54:03And then also like we're on the same roof. So condemned's not great. I don't like this. But, yeah, that place was sketchy as fuck. And then I worked for the water department out there for a little while. I used to, like, go inside of pipes, and that was cool, and drive robots and shit. But engineering stuff was, you know, was cool, you know. I'm insane. Yeah, I'm crazy. You went inside of pipes? You seem like not the right body type. Yes, you are more suited for me. Yeah. Yeah. We took your work, man. That's my bad. Fucking. Let's check in with the great Timmy No Breaks here. How you doing, Tim?

1:54:34Hey, pretty good. I got a question for you. Please. When death comes, will you be ready to go or will you cling to the life because you're terrified you never truly lived?

1:54:45Brian Redban:Perhaps the greatest question in the history of the show from the elite, super regular Timmy No Breaks. Has he been doing this shit all night? Is this just me? Repeat the question, please, one more time. Could I have it once more? Nope, I'm not doing it. I think he accidentally answered it by wanting a little bit more. I just, I mean, now that I've been in the room with Timmy No Breaks, I feel pretty satisfied. I'll be honest. This is, I feel great being with you, Tim. Follow-up question. Please. Any tricks in the bedroom?

1:55:18Yeah, I role-play as you, usually. They have me put on the jacket and sunglasses and just fucking talking and accent the whole fucking time. Wow, look at that.

1:55:29Brian Redban:Look at that. Willie No Breaks.

1:55:35Yeah, try masturbating like that.

1:55:40Brian Redban:Will Hunsinger, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? I mean, shit. I mean, like I said, I'm just down bad right now. I wish I had some more crazy shit. I had a weird sexual interaction with a girl who didn't shave right, and that was weird. That was a few weeks ago. Tell us about that. What do you mean, didn't shave right? so like cause okay cause she thought like shaving you know like she shaved like when I saw her it was like a wedding and she was like oh you're lucky like I shaved just for this and I was like that's cool you know and then she took off her dress so she had shaved like it was shaved and then she went up on the I went to go down on her cause I'm a gentleman and

1:56:23and then she put her legs but she didn't shave anywhere underneath Do you get what I'm saying? Ah. Like, she thought shaving was just this. She never did, like, fucking one of these in the shower. I've never put my leg up on a table either.

1:56:42Brian Redban:Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen. So I was down there, and, like, I wanted to go for it, but, like, I was looking at it like a pussy with mutton chops. Like, it was... It was bad, man. It was weird. I didn't like it. I don't know. Yeah, that threw me. I was like, I'm not fucking anybody for a while, I think. I'm going to take a break. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fun times, Will. We're going to keep him moving along. There he goes, Will Hunsinger, ladies and gentlemen.

1:57:13Brian Redban:One last bucket pool. What do you guys say, huh? Make some noise for him, ladies and gentlemen. It is the name that goes by Sean Glazer, everybody. Sean Glazer, everyone. Here we go. I've been on TikTok way too much to the point where I'm just like watching ads all the way through. You don't have to do that. You can just keep scrolling. I saw an ad for a product called Boom Boom Stick. A little chapstick size tube. It's got smelling salts in it to wake you up before work. It comes in flavors like mint and mango and citrus. Their tagline, it's legal cocaine. I don't know about you guys, I've done illegal cocaine.

1:57:57If it doesn't taste like loose change, I don't want it. Get that blueberry bullshit out of here. Do you have a nickel flavored boom boom stick? It's not an ad for a speakeasy. It's a little ironic, I thought they were supposed to be a secret.

1:58:17I feel like Al Capone would be rolling in his grave if he saw these people selling a martini for 20 bucks. Calling it a Vermouth Bader Ginsburg or something gay.

1:58:28Brian Redban:Sean Glazer. Hey. Hello, how are you? Welcome. I'm good. How long have you been on stand-up? Four years. How long have you been doing jiu-jitsu? About six. Really? No, I just lift. Okay. There you go. Timmy, follow-up question on that since you wanted to start this? Yeah, you kind of ate it, and I'm not talking about DiGiorno, so. Sean, where are you from? I'm from Des Moines. Nice. I love it. Yeah, shout out Iowa. Yeah, there you go. Anybody? You live in Austin now? Yeah, I moved down a couple months ago. Well, welcome, welcome. What's something crazy we should know about you? We're in overtime right now, just moving fast.

1:59:12Brian Redban:I'm two years sober? Whoa. Pum, pum, pum, pum. Oh, yeah, let's get this party started. Dumber D-Y.

1:59:31Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

1:59:44Brian Redban:All right, there he goes, everybody. Sean Glazer, everyone. Here's a medium joke book. Here you go, buddy. Boom. All right. Hey, you get to 780 episodes or whatever. Sometimes you just get to do whatever the fuck you want. You know what I mean? All right. Williams dealing with a family tragedy. Ari Maddy is doing sold-out shows around the world. Timmy No Breaks is sitting right here. Dedrick is dealing with a family something It's all true Everything I'm saying is true So To close tonight's show I decided to go with an old veteran of the game A true true Legend of the Kill Tony universe Who I'm sure has a rock solid Brand new minute for us Here to close us out Family style America's favorite uncle Make some noise for David Jolly everybody

2:00:42How y 'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico? Hell yeah, man. I've been thinking about life lately, man. I've been thinking about my Aunt Rose a lot. She was one of my favorite people on Earth. She had dementia. Y 'all know how dementia work, right? Where they get older, they old, but they living in the best moments of their life. And I talk to my Aunt Rose, and she'll say something like, Hey, David, you want to go on a hayride? And I'm like, hey, right, who this bitch went to school with, Huckleberry Finn? But the crazy part about dementia is it ain't never going to change. We're going to be dealing with dementia in 40 years.

2:01:19But can you imagine them kids from the day with dementia in 40 years? Somebody, grandma, jump up at Thanksgiving, give me a mop and a sock for this wet-ass pussy. Grandma, get that BBL out of them mashed potatoes. Six, seven, six, seven. thank y 'all y 'all been a whole bunch of fun man David Jolly 55 seconds from David Jolly great stuff David Timmy no breaks yeah uh how's SNL going hey I ain't gonna lie Timmy you my favorite homosexual man I swear to God okay you're gonna regret that no I'm not all right yeah I'm gonna I'm going to call you something. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'm going to... I love you, man.

2:02:10You are out of here. All right. Whoa. David, how's life going? Man, life's great, man. You know, got me a new set of teeth on the road every weekend. You know, got a girl. You know, life's pretty good. Who's this girl? A chick, a girl that's black. Whoa. I don't know. I mean, I ain't going to say a name. Relax, Tony. Why black? My mama lived down here, though. Remember you talked to my mama that day on the phone? Yes, I did talk to you about that. Yeah, I moved my mom in with me. So, yeah, things going pretty good. Moving from Florida so she can be a little easier on her. You know what I mean?

2:02:41What part of Florida? She from Orlando. You know, we from Orlando. But I moved her here around, like, Thanksgiving. So, you know, she just getting on my fucking nerves every day. Yeah.

2:02:51Brian Redban:Tell us about that. What's mama doing? You know, she cooking and cleaning shit up. You know, I usually wash, like, once a week. But every time I come home now, she just washing shit. You know what I mean? What is she cooking? What's mom cooking? She is. Spaghetti, chicken. You know chicken. We love that chicken. Is there chicken in the spaghetti? Yeah, sometime together. Red band. I promise you that was not on purpose. In his defense, in his defense, the soundboard is labeled in alphabetical order and chicken and chimp are right next to each other. I'm looking at it. Look, they're right... Turn the fucking thing up.

2:03:32Brian Redban:I don't know why you pretend like your job's harder than it is. See? They're right next to each other. I ain't even hear that shit. Right next to crow and dog. Right? And your girlfriend. He's saying that your girlfriend is a fat black woman. Hey, man, you a fat white man, Red Man. Oh!

2:04:03We're usually friends, Red Band. I can't wait to diabetes catch up with your ass, you motherfucker. You big fat bitch, you.

2:04:14You're dating a skinny black woman. Nah, she like a thick one, you know. She ain't fat, though. She can see her feet, motherfucker, you know what I mean? She ain't that big, you know. Where'd you meet her at? I met her in life. I'm just saying, like, in a store, like, you know, I just walked up old school style. No internet. You know, like, what up, baby girl? What store was it? Ross. Oh, my God. You like Ross, man? Fucking I love Ross, man. Hell yeah. Where were you? Yeah, go ahead. What's the blackish thing about you? This big old dick. You know what the fuck's going on?

2:04:56Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Wow. How big is it, David? Whoa, Tony, you freaking Freddy. motherfucker you all right just just give us a number david just give us 35 inches hold on i'm trying to hold on let me find a sound imagine in a while you know that's the wrong one sorry okay all right david um anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you uh not not not not really uh oh did you get that wacky shirt off of did you steal that off of a giant teddy bear or something? Like, what is that? I bought this at the polo outlet on the clearance rack. Okay. I like it. It's a nice shirt, ain't it? I don't know what you just said.

2:05:38I didn't understand that. I purchased this shirt from the polo outlet. I get it. Awesome. I understand. I understand that. Thank you. Came off the clearance rack. Crystal clear. All right, Tim.

2:05:50Brian Redban:David Jolly, we love you. Thank you so much. There you go, David Jolly. We did it. That's an episode of Kill Tony brought to you by Netflix. The Roast of Kevin Hart is out. So Kill Tony Mania is out. Get tickets for Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th. Two totally different shows. You can get combo tickets and come to both nights. That's what I would do because if not, you're not a real fan. Shout out to Asphalt 3D one more time. Brad Williams' new special, Live on Short Street, is on YouTube.com. Backslash Brad Williams Comedy. Thank you, Brad, for joining us.

2:06:22Brian Redban:The man, the myth, the legend, Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen. biggest and blackest on YouTube. YouTube.com backslash Timmy Nobre. What a fun episode. Red Band? I'll be in San Diego July 9th through 11th at the AmericanComedyCode.com and I love you. I love you, Neo. How about one more time for the robot joining us? Playing the tambourine, everybody. All right. Let's check in with the art of Chris Rogers over there. Let's see what he drew tonight. Oh, Brad and Timmy. Amazing. amazing stuff why is this that's great that looks good alright we love you guys thank you so much goodnight everybody

2:07:26Thank you.

2:07:55Thank you.

2:08:54Outro Music Thank you.