#772 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

19:43Brian Redban:What are you, Dedrick's nephew? I know. I'm one of Dedrick's nephews. I did have a Lord of the Rings shirt, and I think some guy took it, too. Oh. All right. That's another one of those wacky Hefe jokes, everybody. Hefe, how long have you been a bouncer at a hookah bar? What do you do for work, Hefe? I'm an artist first. Oh, what kind of artist? Anything, painting, graphic design. I don't run a printing business. It's pretty fun. Do you make money doing art? Surprisingly, yes. How much money do you make doing art? Not enough to dress properly, so. Okay, but how do you make a living, Jefe? I own a printing business.

20:21It does good. Okay. Not enough to live here in Austin, though. You're not in Austin right now.

20:25Brian Redban:No, no. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, God, no. Oh, there it is. Jefe, do you live in Dallas? No, I live in the titty of Texas, Wichita Falls. Wichita Falls. Wow, more boos. Oh, my goodness. Jesus Christ. Hefe, take it from me. These motherfuckers will boo you. If they knew my parents, they would understand, too. It's fine. Okay, Hefe, give them a redeeming quality about you that will make them like you. Tell Dallas why they might like you, Hefe. They shouldn't. It's cool. All right, there he goes. Hefe, everybody. Great. Great stuff, Jefe. Great stuff. It was all good. I tried my best with you, believe it or not.

21:08Brian Redban:I mean, I really am an artist, dude. I believe you, pal. I believe you. He looks like a conformist. How long have you done stand-up? I'd say three years. You'd say three years? Yeah. Like, seriously, three. Okay. Again, is there anything about your life, any fun facts about you? Do you have any special skills or talents? I mean, I'm an ex-Florida man. I mean, that probably, yeah. So you lived in Florida? I did. But what does that mean? You were just born in Florida. You didn't do anything. I traveled around a lot. I was a military kid, and I got stuck in Florida because I made bad choices. You were a military kid, but you weren't in the military.

21:45Brian Redban:I was at one point. This sounds like stolen valor, Jefe. I'm pretty sure it's our first ever live stolen valor. Well, I was in the military. I wouldn't say I was in the military, but I was in the military. What did you do, Jefe, in the military? Finance. Oh, perfect. Great. We all love how our military budgets have been going. I wasn't responsible for that. I know, Pepe. Trust me. I know. I'm pretty sure that isn't the haircut they make you get when you're in charge of finance of the United States military. Joe DeRosa. And now I was just going to say, this is how I picture a financial expert dressed.

22:24Glitter sandals and cargo shorts. Dorothy 3000. Awesome. I like that you sunk all the wardrobe money into the shoes.

22:33Brian Redban:they're the most jefe open up that pocket i'm going to try to make this in that little it's a very long shot but that'll count count it count it count it there he goes jefe ladies and gentlemen flipping off the house flipping off the crowd and then telling them that they love him that he loves them nothing better than the flip off i love you oh my god the crowd goes wild it is indeed the Lovely Heidi and Val, everybody.

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24:34Brian Redban:All right. You guys get it. We're on to our second bucket poll. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Lawton Parnell. Lawton Parnell, everybody.

24:51Hey, what's up, guys? So I'm broke. I live with a roommate. I came home the other day and it sounded like my roommate and his girlfriend were having sex. I was like, nice, I can jerk off to this.

25:08Turns out they weren't having sex and she was just crying. I was like, alright, I can jerk off to this. Hey, I'm a sick fuck, guys. Sick fuck. It's sweet to be here though. I posted on Facebook today, I was coming up to do some stand-up. and my childhood babysitter, they call me and they're like, well, and you do stand-up, that's so cool. When I was a kid, I wanted to do stand-up. I was like, no shit, when I was a kid, I wanted to fuck my babysitter. He's not my friend on Facebook anymore, guys. Final nail in that coffin. Anybody know what I'm talking about? Anybody ever get so depressed tonight, instead of brushing your teeth before you go to bed, you just reach into the fridge and grab a slice of ham, and you're like, fuck it, that's good enough.

25:56All right, I'll take it.

25:58Brian Redban:Yeah, that's where I'm at, guys. Fuck yes. Lawton Parnell with his Kill Tony debut. Lawton, how you doing? How long you been doing stand-up? You're fucking hilarious. Hey, thanks, Tony. Like 10 years or so. Fuck yeah. All of it here in Dallas? No, not at all. I'm from West Virginia. Okay. What made you come here for that? For this? Just for this. I flew in yesterday and came here and flying out tomorrow. Wow. Wow, you came in, signed up with everybody. You could have just as easily not gotten pulled. Nothing could have happened. I could stay on Thursday if Red Band wants me on the secret show.

26:32Oh, shit. I would love to have you on the secret show. Look at that. Unbelievable. Wow.

26:42Brian Redban:Lawton, stick around for a second. I got to know more about you, man. Yeah, it's fun. Thanks. You're born and raised in West Virginia? I wasn't born there, but yeah, pretty much raised. What do you do for work? I am a research commercial real estate appraiser. Okay. Yeah, yeah, fun stuff, fun stuff. Hell yeah. And you got a flight here, was it Southwest? It was American, actually. How was TSA? Yeah, go America, hell yeah. Were the airports normal? Yeah, TSA out of Pittsburgh was fine. They did have some ice people, but they were just chill. They were cool. Perfect, hell yeah. To you. To you, their favorite customer.

27:20Brian Redban:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like let's see the meeting like nope. Did they try to hand you a job application? I thought you said hand job at first. I got really excited That would be cool if they did that to pure American white people It's like they did the reverse for true citizens. They're like get over here you fucking You fucking squawking eagle you who's a good American boy? I'd quit my appraiser job for that for sure. Hell yeah. Absolutely Absolutely. Lawton, tell us more. What's the most West Virginia thing about you? You have like a dip of tobacco in your cheek that we don't know about right now?

27:57No, I just smoke cigs. I don't do tobacco. Nice. I just smoke cigs. I had a job in college. I was installing people's security systems. They'd send me to random people's houses and install their security system. One time I got propositioned by this really big fat lady and a man named Robert E. Lee. It was his real name. Yeah, it was really cool. He said he was legally declared dead in the state of Maryland. So I was like, this guy's my man, you know. And I started installing their security system. And I noticed in their bathroom I had to piss. And they had like a TV just running porn. Like it was just a porn TV.

28:37And yeah, yeah. You remember like those, and I didn't ask them. They were like, you saw our porno, right? I was like, yeah. And I asked them, they were like, remember those like Cinemax? when like they would just give you like a free like a street they said if they changed the channel then they'd lose their porn subscription so it was their bathroom porn TV yeah I got one out too yeah thanks this is crazy this is awesome thanks guys yeah of course show to Rosa dude what's up Joe it's it's Lachlan Lawton like I guess a town in Oklahoma I want to I want to compliment you man because you're hilarious, number one.

29:16Oh, yeah, I appreciate it. Number two, I really mean this, man. A lot of comics come on stage dressed like stonery, like the way you're dressed right now, you know what I mean? And honestly, a lot of the time it's because they just don't give a fuck. You're dressed, it matches your persona, it matches your humor, the whole character's there. I'm not saying you're playing a character, but you know what I'm saying. Sure, sure, sure. You're representing yourself visually and comedically, and the whole package is there, man. You're doing it. I'll tell you. You're doing it, man. You're doing it right.

29:41Brian Redban:You do have a good look. It is like if one of the South Park kids smoked a lot of cigarettes. I do smoke cigarettes. I'm eyeballing Joe Sigs right now with their American spirits. You're killing it, buddy. I'll take one. Lockton Parnell. It's just about to get rid of him. Now you're going to have the poor kid smoking a cigarette. You're going to cause a fire hazard now. Throw those back. Don't smoke that. There you go. All right. You're funny, but not that fucking funny. Lockton Parnell, you did the job. Everything was amazing. Absolutely incredible, perfect bucket pool representing West Virginia here in Dallas.

30:20Brian Redban:An incredible showing. I have a comedian that's from Dallas, ladies and gentlemen, that is your next comedian. We dragged her up here with us from Austin, Texas, where she is considered one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I've had her open up for me in Dallas a few times over the last five years. Someone that was a door guy at the mothership And now is the full-time opener and feature act for Ari Maddy. Ladies and gentlemen, she is Dallas' own Liz Blatt, ladies and gentlemen.

30:57What is up, Dallas, Texas?

31:02Guys, when I was younger, my mom sent me to fat camp. really sucks because like I've always been like this size. Like I've always looked like this. So I'm not like fat camp fat, you know? I'm like, you know, these kids at fat camp, they're like fucking, like fucking fat. They're like about to lose a foot fat. And me, I'm like, I'm like fuck black guys fat. Like, I'm like a cool fat. I'm like a healthy fat. I'm a good fat. I'm like an avocado So you know sending me to fat camp it was kind of fucked up that she did that It's like it's like what the hell was that about but then at the same time sending a girl like me to fat camp like Like I'm kind of the hot bitch at fat camp You know what I'm saying?

31:53Like I was running that shit I had all these chubby dudes on their fucking knees. They're like a sugar-free Oreo for you my petite princess before you look malnourished this evening. I think I gained weight at fat camp. Honestly, I was prison rich. I had everything they wanted.

32:14Brian Redban:In prison, the twinks rule. I was the twinkie. Okay, that's my minute. Fuck yeah, Liz Blatt. Hilarious. Hell yeah, Tony. The whole crowd was with you when you said that you are fuck a black guy fat. That's just who I am at the end of the day. It is true. I'm really excited to be here. I'm excited to be back home. Good feeling. You are the first comedian of the night that is from Dallas, Texas. Tell these people what part of Dallas are you from? I'm from East Dallas, Lakewood. Oh, shit. Ha, ha, ha. Oh. I went to high school in Oak Cliff, bitch! I know you guys can't see the crowd, but a lot of poor, fat people are going wild, and the rich people are laughing.

33:08Brian Redban:The rich people are laughing, so whatever part of the neighborhood that is, it's not so good. Well, I'm from both parts, the poor side and the, I said two sides, so. I grew up in the rich side, and then I fucked guys from the poor side, so that's kind of. Heck yeah. But Tony, I gotta be real, I'm here for one reason. I'm here for some real shit. I'm about to take somebody's job in this show. Oh shit I'm here to take some regular ship in this bitch. Oh shit. I'm here to take that fat busted bitch Heidi's job Oh shit Get that fat busted bitch the fuck out here. Oh my god I could do, I get her out of here.

33:47Brian Redban:It's a - Lift that heavy weight Valerie. It's a cat versus a pig But seriously, I could do that bitch's job better than her any day! I will! I will! What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? Oh my god. She's not shaking shit! There's a whole ass there. She's not shaking shit! Give me this! She has an ass. You're just made of... Wait a second. What's happening here? Oh shit. Oh god. Oh! Wow. Wow! What's happening? Oh shit! What is happening? Oh my god! She's wiping poop on it! Oh my god!

34:40Brian Redban:Wow! Our black viewership just skyrocketed! Oh my god!

34:52Brian Redban:You can hide II but you can't run

34:57Wow shit, I'm out Wow amazing

35:03Brian Redban:But obviously a future roller derby goddess And how about one more time for Heidi?

35:15that uh that's the first time i've ever had a hard-on fighting against itself

35:27Brian Redban:it is incredible that is the opposite of whatever viagra does i'll tell you that oh my god that do anything for you

35:41Brian Redban:Puzzle, man. Puzzle. D-Madison's like, I'm hot and I don't know why. Smell it. What the hell's that smell? I don't know what. I like it. Puzzle, man. Puzzle.

35:58Brian Redban:I didn't know there was a SeaWorld in Dallas.

36:07Brian Redban:You guys having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go Ladies and gentlemen Anything can happen Make some noise for Marco Garcia everyone Marco Garcia Right out of the bucket

36:23How we doing Kiltony Y 'all good? Hell yeah I'm bad with money I'm real bad with money I'm so bad with money It's fucking on my Instagram ads Like I'll be scrolling It's like some girl dancing Nice tits Are you assuming$11 ,000,$10 ,000 of credit card debt? How do they know? They've been talking to the people at Chase I'm fucked But this debt's not following me to Mexico So I'm going to be okay I'm going to be alright I'm real bad with money I'm so bad with money I went to the therapist office the other day Couldn't pay this bitch man in black me pew she said your parents don't love you and she kicked me out of her office but that is the way I came in so that's fair I went to the bar couldn't pay they took me to the back they waterboarded me with Pedialyte it was crazy the lengths they'll go to to make sure you leave sober

37:33Brian Redban:fuck it I'm going to my Fendon dealer Alright, that's all your time, Marco Garcia Welcome, Marco How long have you been doing stand-up? I just hit two years Three years? Two years I love it, what do you do for work? I'm currently unemployed, but when I work, I'm a lifeguard You're a lifeguard? What? Oh my god I'm naturally buoyant I'm a better lifeguard than these motherfuckers with abs No way, dude You have the blood on your hands Oh my god You're the first lifeguard that makes the kids drown even more Yeah Hey kid Hold me Throw me that raft Come in Wow You are not built like a lifeguard I've heard that I've heard that before I've heard that before Wow Holy shit And how long have you What do you call What do your people call that A man torta Attached Yeah I know I hate it because people like on the way here some guy stopped me and he's like wow you look like Maui and I was like the Disney character he was like nah everybody on the island that fucked me up because that's the fattest island man it's fucked up I didn't appreciate that he would be a great guy to watch run in slow motion on the beach yeah that'd be a heavy commercial man a lot to take in yeah Yeah, I don't know.

39:03Brian Redban:How long have you been lifeguarding for? This was my second year lifeguarding. Second year of lifeguarding. Did you save anyone? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I saved only black people. Whoa. How many black people did you save? And can you do less of a job next time? I only saved two. I work in the hood, so... Yeah, that's all I save, man. What do you mean? You work in the hood like a black neighborhood? Yeah. So you're doing the hardest lifeguarding in the world. What fire hydrant do you lifeguard need? They needed a lifeguard XL, man. They got me. They needed lifeguard plus, and they called me. Wow, this is incredible.

39:44Brian Redban:Now, were any of them full-grown adults? Say it again? Were the blacks that you were saving from the waters full-grown adults, or were they children? The black people I saved, one of them was a black woman, full-grown adult, but the other one was a child. Okay. Now, how close was the fully grown woman to dying, do you think? She was fucking really close. Did you have to do mouth to mouth or anything? I didn't, obviously. I don't go down for that. Wait, what exactly does that mean? Is it like when a woman gets arrested and you have a female cop pat her down, do you have like a black person that's just there to give mouth to mouth, perhaps?

40:23Brian Redban:No, somebody just got there first. Then I was like, ah, they got her. Okay. Yeah. But no, the lady, she came up to me. Wait a second. Hold that thought. When you say someone else got there first, are you talking about the person that actually saved her? No, I'm talking mouth to mouth. Fuck you. So how did this go down? You're at a pool? I'm in a pool, and there's two sides to the pool. And then at one point, I'm in the shallow end. Of course. No, no, fuck you. I can go to the deep end too, but at this point, I was in the shallow end. And she came up to me, and she was like, hey, if I go down the slide, you'll save me, right?

40:58And I'm like, I'm on the shallow end. The slide's on the deep end. Why would I? That is my job, but if you can't swim, don't go. And then she went and asked the other lifeguard the exact same thing.

41:10Brian Redban:So you didn't save her? No, no, no. So, okay. So then she went. Every time you try to explain more how you saved her, it seems more and more like she's on the other end of a pool with the actual lifeguard that saves people's lives. She somehow got up the stairs and she went down the slide. And when she started drowning, the other lifeguard went in, and he whistled, and I went in, and we both got her out. And then he gave her mouth to mouth. Would you say it was exactly 50-50, you and the other lifeguard? I'd say three-fifths, three-fifths maybe. Marco, give us another fun fact of your life. Pretty good.

41:46Brian Redban:That was really good. Hey, you set that one up. You set that one up, man. That was not me. What else would we find interesting about your life, Marco? Are you from Dallas? Yeah, I'm born and raised right here in Dallas, Oak Cliff. Yes, sir, that's my home. Oak Cliff. Looks like a poor part. A couple ones. The ones in the really high Raptors are from Dallas. Okay. I love it. Marco, anything else crazy we should know about you before getting you out of here? I did comedy at a strip club once. Uh-huh. And there wasn't any strippers. I was very disappointed. That's because you were there. No one wants to see me with my clothes.

42:22Brian Redban:Let's not lie about that, man. Absolutely. All right, Marco. I think you talk a little fast. Maybe it's just how big this venue is. You've got to slow it down a little bit so that people understand you. I didn't know what you were saying during the Instagram ad read thing. There's a medium-sized joke book for a very large man. Marco Garcia, everybody. Let's keep it moving right along here, because I pulled what appears to be another Latino from Dallas' name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. It is Albert Moreno, everyone. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Albert Moreno.

43:00Hey, how the fuck y 'all doing tonight? Y 'all having a good night so far? So I grew up with a very religious family. Like any time that I would see a shooting star, my family would always tell me that it's someone being cast out of heaven.

43:21yeah you could have just lied you know i don't know what a child is supposed to do with that information like you know anytime the normal person would see a shooting star that would just be like that was beautiful make a wish anytime that i would see a shooting star I would just be like, damn, another priest.

43:45Yeah, I didn't grow up, like, I'm very bad at being a Mexican. I don't speak a lot of Spanish, and I get called a white boy a lot by my family for that. I don't think that's the whitest thing about me, though. I think the whitest thing about me is that I go to therapy.

44:01Yeah, I don't know if y 'all know this about Mexicans, but they don't go to therapy. They go to church drunk.

44:08Like if my grandma found out that I was going to therapy, she'd probably be like, Oh my God, mijo, I didn't know you were gay.

44:17Brian Redban:Hell yeah, Albert Moreno.

44:23Brian Redban:Great stuff, Albert. How long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years. Nice, all of it here in Dallas? Mostly Fort Worth.

44:33I'll explain. I come from a small town. I'm from Minerwells. It's like...

44:41Brian Redban:How small is it if the whole crowd goes wild? That town has only ever got a pop for crackheads, so I don't really know. That's our target audience. It's a very small town. It's like maybe 40 minutes west of Fort Worth. So my drive has always been like 40 minutes to an hour. So I've just always gone to Fort Worth. Okay. Yeah. Like the hyenas there? Yeah, I started at Hyenas. Yeah, awesome. Yeah. That's fucking fantastic. What do you do for work, Albert? I just got fired about a month ago. You got fired. Yeah. What'd you get fired from? Hell yeah. I got fired from Amazon for speeding violations.

45:19Ooh.

45:20Brian Redban:In the truck, in the actual Amazon truck? The electric vans, yeah. Wow. I was new. Were you getting pulled over by the police? No, it's just they have diagnostics inside of their van, so they know when you're speeding. So if you go over to the speed limit for like three seconds, that's when you get flagged. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. So I had been working at another job for 14 years, and I had moved to Fort Worth, so I was trying to find another job, and Amazon was a job I landed on. So it was just a new job. So what are you going to do now? I got another job at Amazon. Oh. Yeah. So the one that I started at was further away.

46:02The one I'm at now is 10 minutes away. So my first day is Tuesday, actually. Wow. Look at that. Is it fake ID from fake ID? Is that how you're getting the same job from Amazon? Do you mean a green card? Yeah, you whatever.

46:17Brian Redban:Albert, how legal is your family? So most of my family is from Interwells. My grandma, they're all from Mexico, of course. but most of my family is from interwells or do you live with them no not anymore you have your own place yeah i live with one of my best friends yeah and did they do comedy as well no um he's been around the open mics he's he's friends with all my buddies but he doesn't do comedy what does he do um he works for like a small company in weatherford they do you guys have a two bedroom it's a three bedroom three bedroom what goes on in that other bedroom i can't say personally here It's an empty room And how many bathrooms?

46:59Two We got our own size of the house You don't hear me beating off or nothing Right

47:06Brian Redban:Perfect Absolutely incredible Joe DeRosa Dude I was very impressed You said two and a half years I was very impressed You're funny man I really appreciated that Even when the meow happened And you didn't panic. You took your time. You finished the joke, man. Like, you got the rhythm. You know what you're doing, man. Thank you. Good shit, dude. Really good shit. And when this comes out, you're going to get fired from that other Amazon job. I know. I know. I'm so funny. Really just aired all your dirty laundry on here. I'm going to enjoy those two weeks. What's another fun fact about Albert Moreno that the world would find interesting?

47:51So my joke about my church is real. So it's not a very common thing. I was born and raised in like a Spanish doomsday church.

47:59Brian Redban:Okay. Yeah. Wow. Spanish doomsday. So what could one expect to see at a Spanish doomsday church? Well, it was a very small congregation. To this day, it's like just two families. And like my family still went in. Oh, this sucks. It was a cold. They're like laughing at my family right now. My mom and dad are still in it. So it was very awkward for me. I didn't leave my church until I was 23. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. And it was very hard because growing up, I felt like I was the outcast in my family because all my cousins weren't really into the church, and I was. And I didn't leave until I was 23. And I took a lot of pride in staying in my church for so long.

48:42Yeah. Tim Butterly. What was something that tipped you off that it was like maybe time to go? I listened to a podcast I shouldn't have heard, but I don't think my church has ever prepared for people to have podcasts. Right. They weren't ready for the Internet, basically.

48:59Brian Redban:Neither was Bill Cosby. This is true, yeah. He never could have guessed that everybody would be interconnected and possibly talk about something as insane as what he did. Yeah. Wow. Can you just give us one tidbit of what, like, made it a doomsday church? Like, what would a sermon be about? Okay, so like my church didn't have like that certain section for kids. There was never anything for kids. It was all about the end of the world pretty much. It was about what? The end of the world. Yes, the end of the world. Okay, so. And how do the Spanish think that the end of the world happens? What happens at the end of the world?

49:35Brian Redban:Well, okay. Everything, does every food article and every car turn into the Virgin Mary or something like that? I think it was probably, they were just like, stay away from Minneapolis in 2000. Maybe they were right. Well, you know, I spent my whole life being warned about the end of the world. Like, I wish somebody had warned me about my uncle, you know.

49:58When did they say the end was coming? I think at the time I left my church when I was 23. So that was about 10 years ago, 2017, 2018. So the guy, he was our main preacher. He did it live. So we watched him from Interwells. He's in Puerto Rico. Everyone that listens to my church listens to it live.

50:23Brian Redban:Do you see where I'm going with this? The leader of the doomsday church is in Puerto Rico. Well, there you go. Yeah. Looks like I was right about that one. Yeah. Albert Moreno, great set, great interview, very compelling, very funny. I love that you got out of the church and you're living your dreams, buddy. There he goes, the very funny Albert Moreno. Hey, we have another fun guy from Dallas, Texas, who's part of our crew and has been for years. He won a golden ticket, I think, six or seven years ago here at a hyenas comedy club in Dallas, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for part of the Kill Tony production crew and a comedian out of Austin, Texas.

51:07Brian Redban:This is Colt McNeely from Dallas, Texas, everybody.

51:14My God, how are you guys? It's so good to be here. Oh, yeah. My name, as he said, is Colt. It's actually Colton. Yeah. In my mid-20s, I shortened it up, you know, a little bit easier to say. I think when I'm an old man, I'm just going to go by...

51:40Thank you. You know, I like movies. You know, I saw that movie Holes with Shia LaBeouf, and I, uh... Thank you.

51:53I saw they're remaking it. It's gonna have an all-female cast. What's up with that? It's crazy. It's true. What are they gonna call it? Even better holes? I mean...

52:07Oh, man, I love the news. The blacks and the gays, they don't get along. It's not my opinion, it's just what they say, you know. I get it though, you know. Imagine having both dads walk out on you. Thank you guys so much.

52:25Brian Redban:Colton McNeely. Dallas, Texas. What part of Dallas are you from? Tell these people. Oh, I'm from Allen, Texas. Let's go. All right, churning the butter over there. I am, man. I'm happy to be here, Tony. Yes. My brother's here. Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, man, Tony, it's been crazy. Yeah, tell us about it, Cole. Man, my buddy's dad just had a stroke. Uh-huh. I know. He was telling me about it. It's really sad, right? Uh-huh. Yeah, he said he had to spend all day at the stroke center, and I was like, that sounds like a great time. What's next, the reverse gorilla grip center? Count me in, you know?

53:09Brian Redban:Oh, you're just on fire right now. I'm happy to be here. Goodness, what else is going on? Oh, man, you know, I've been looking at all these first ladies these presidents have, you know? Uh-huh, yeah, what about them? You know, Melania Trump's our first lady, and I was looking at all the old first ladies, and I think Melania might be the first lady. You guys thought about that? That is a good point. Dallas, Texas! I gotta tell you, Tony, I gotta tell you. Oh, what do you got to tell me now? I got to tell you, Tony. You know, we live in Austin, Texas. Yes. But my home is Dallas, Texas. Oh, wow. Look at that.

53:49Brian Redban:Way to get the crowd that you already had on your side, back on your side. Oh, my goodness. What are you, the doomsday preacher? Jesus Christ. Yes, oh, shit. Incredible. Didn't Heidi bring you out here to clean up the spill earlier? Was that you? You little mop stick. Yeah. All right. What else is going on, Colt? Oh, not much, Tony. You know, just been... You ran out of things that you gotta tell me. Oh, I told you everything I had to tell you. Tony, I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you, Tony. Oh, man, Tony, I do have to tell you. We just started selling these Kill Tony fingerboards on the website.

54:27Brian Redban:No one cares about the fingerboards. Yes, they do. Dallas, Texas. Oh, my goodness. All right, Colt. Anything else? Do you have any tricks up your sleeve? For a fun fact, I don't know if you guys have been watching the show long enough, but Colt is one of the greatest yo-yoers in the world, and he also famously is one of the youngest ever. What is it? Kung fu, taekwondo, black belt? Oh, man, I'm a fourth-degree black belt in taekwondo. But I do got to tell you, Tony, I've been working with you for, like, six years now. Met at Hyena's Comedy Club, and I haven't been kicking since I've been working for you, so I can't kick, but goddamn, I can yo-yo.

55:10Brian Redban:All right, do a little yo-yoing for us. I don't know if they want to even see it. Give me some yo-yo music, John. You're not fucking screaming.

55:22Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. Oh, we've hit a new low, ladies and gentlemen. Right when you think. I love it. This is the part where you have to explain to your girlfriend the show that you brought her to, everyone. No, I swear it's cool. It's funny. Honey, it's like a tampon. That's amazing. Wow, Colt. Dallas Tech. Come on. Tony, thank you so much for having me. My God. There he goes, Colt McNeely, back to put a headset on and continue working. He actually works for the show. Fun fact, he is the guy that takes the piece of paper, wrangles the person, and brings them to the back of the stage. That's Colt from Dallas, Texas.

56:00Brian Redban:Which, you know what? I want to give a shout-out real quick. we have a friend visiting the son of the late great Chuck Norris is here somewhere can we make some fucking noise for Texas his own Chuck Norris he's out here somewhere enjoying himself trying to take his mind off it your dad was the fucking man how loud can this place get for Chuck Norris god damn right he's out here somewhere alright back to the show we go And back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Ashley Ann Knox, everybody. Ashley Ann Knox.

56:45Oh, what's up, Dallas? What's up? So, I look like it, I'm sure. I do have historically terrible taste in men. like my dating history looks a lot like the foreplay probably should have came with a background check Don't laugh. I am painfully attracted to men that look like they need a caseworker. Or have one already. So needless to say, I am a single mom.

57:18Yeah, take note, gentlemen. My son just turned 14 recently and he's hit the whole puberty stage. He started to talk to me like I ruined his credit score. Like, I used to rock this giant man-child. back and forth to go to sleep, and now I just rock back and forth after reading his Google search history. He started talking to girls, too, recently. Yeah, hell yeah. So, needless to say, I did have to put the bark notifications on his phone. I'm sorry, you gotta do it. Somebody's gotta check their phones. I had to do it, I had to do it.

58:02Brian Redban:Ashley Ann Knox. You got me. I did not make it through that shit. It's okay, though. Ashley, welcome to the show. How are you? I'm just looking around at the... I mean, I'm sitting inside, and I kept looking around going, please don't call me. Holy shit. This is a lot of people. This is awesome. Good for you. Hell yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. All right. Thanks, Mom. You're welcome. It's Mommy. Thank you. Do you dress like this around your son's friends? So, funny story. The other day, I was having lunch with him and a friend, and he goes, Mom, you're bad. And I said, what do you mean? He said, I mean, you can Google it.

58:37And I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, no. Like, my heart to my stomach. He meant baddie. Like, I was hot. And his friend. Yeah, your son said you're fuckable. I was like, ew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. It's a real weird thing for your son to say. All of my bad choices went and flashed before my eyes, though. That's all I know.

58:57Brian Redban:Is there anything out? When you say that you got scared, what could he possibly have found?

59:05pictures maybe is that what you've done don't have an only fans calm down maybe after this

59:12Brian Redban:okay ashley and let's talk about it what do you do for doing no only fans okay stick with me ashley don't pay attention to them i'm used to them you are definitely you are you stick with me over here i got you what do you do for work i own an entertainment company so i host karaoke and open my comedy all over DFW. Oh my goodness. What did you do before that? I was in sales, so I did strategic sales. What did you do before that? I sold magazines door to door. What did you do before that? Sold magazines door to door. It's all I've ever done. Really? All I've ever done is sales since I was 14. That's it?

59:43Yeah, my dad had me out there knocking doors practicing for my own Amber Alert. It was wild. Okay. Yeah.

59:50Brian Redban:How many kids do you have? Two. How old are they? One will be 15 and one is about to be nine. Okay. Are you still with the baby daddy? No. No. So what do you work? I'm not going to talk about him either. Last time I talked about him. You were on the show before? I was, yeah. Oh, shit. You thought I would have remembered an unfunny set of tits. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what? You wore a hoodie last time. Yeah. That'll do it. I covered him. Now I remember you. That was the problem, yeah. DeRosa. No, I was just going to say, before we get too far away from your son, Where do you think your son got the idea to look up giant fake-titted women?

1:00:29Oh, you're so dumb. I don't know.

1:00:31Brian Redban:What do you think put that in his head? He's been Googling weird shit like that since he was seven, okay? This kid is heavily advanced. You would be, too, if you were drinking heavy whipping cream right from the womb. I mean, look at those. I mean, holy shit. I mean, Ashley. I mean, at least you have those, right? You know, I paid a lot of money for them. Really? How much did you pay? Ten grand. Oh, my goodness. Each? Worth it. It's my favorite thing I ever bought myself. Are they Gumby? Oh, yeah. They're totally Gumby. No, Gumby. He's asking if they're Gumby or if they're... I said Gumby. Okay.

1:01:07Gumby. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I see you.

1:01:09Brian Redban:Are you talking about the blowjobs or tits? No, the tits. Good. All right, Ashley. So give us an example, like the last date you went on. The last date... I don't really date. I've been in a relationship. Oh, you're in a relationship. I was in a relationship. I'm recently unengaged, which is funny because you actually foreshadowed this, actually. Oh, I did. You totally did. The last time I saw you, you were like, your fiancé is going to cheat on you and leave you. And I was like, wow, you're being kind of a bitch. But it turns out you're actually a witch. Wow. You were dead on balls accurate. Incredible.

1:01:47Brian Redban:Yeah. Amazing. I wonder what made me say that at the time. But you don't have a guy now. Mm-mm. Wow. So what do you do for fun? What do you drag in front of this poor 15 and 9-year-old? I host like four shows a week of karaoke and comedy open mics. So I'm super busy, and I'm producing a competition statewide for stand-up comedy too. Is that go? Go? Code? Code? I can't quite understand what they're chanting. Butterly. Are they saying dump?

1:02:24Brian Redban:Jump? You guys want her to jump? I mean, Ashley Ann Knox says that she knows how to throw a real karaoke party. Oh, yeah. I'm more of a singer than a comedian, let's be real. How many you want to see her jump right now, huh? Is it Jumping Jack? Jumping Jack. Ten Jumping Jacks. Count them. Three. Four. Oh, DeRosa, don't make a face like you're not loving this. Look over there, you fucking homo. My knees can only... She's going to find this clip in her son's Google history later. There is a strong chance of that. Yeah. Ashley Ann... My knees can't handle that, though. I'm only 34, but they're menopausal.

1:03:09Brian Redban:You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. I know, it's better than last time. If you want, I'll make it in your cleavage from here. Just stay there. Don't move. I'm off I was off on that one Little sticky hand, sorry Little sticky hand You guys know what that's like You've been to a Texas Rangers game Sometimes the balls can't always go where you want them to Yes, that was an insult You guys having fun still? We got another bucket pool Make some noise for Scott Ramos, everybody Scott Ramos

1:03:54What's going on, guys? My name's Scott. I am a terrible person to work with. Like, if you want to get shit done, stay away from me. But if you want to have fun, I got you. Like, have you ever gotten into trouble at work for some shit, but it's not the worst you've done. So when you get called out for it, you almost feel offended and rad on yourself. My boss was like, Scott, you've been coming in late. I'm like, bitch, I've been stealing money.

1:04:27I'm just joking. I work for FedEx. Yes, I do steal y 'all's shit. My family thanks you. It was weird. I go to the supermarket and people give me way too much respect. One guy thanked me for my service and I didn't know how to respond. So I was like, yes sir, I did two tours in Dallas. We did a tour in Arlington. We lost a lot of good men that year.

1:04:53I like smoking weed.

1:04:54Brian Redban:Done. Ooh, look at that. What up, my boy? Hi, Scott Ramos. How are you? What up, Tony Hinchcliffe? Hello again. No, first time, brother. No. Fuck you, I'm wearing my fucking hat. Wait, what? Somebody else, take off your hat. Wow. Take off your wife's top. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Someone just got themselves a new TikTok clip, everybody. All right. Scott Ramos, stick with me here. How long have you been on stand up? I mean, it's been like eight to ten years, but I think like six. I'll be bullshitting. OK. Yeah, I'm sorry. Why you be bullshitting? Why you be? May I ask you why you be bullshitting?

1:05:35TH drugs are fun Wow

1:05:38Brian Redban:TH Y U B Drugs are fun I'm sorry What kind of drugs are we talking about No we're good Yeah we good Alright so crack See now that I went extreme Now you want to dial it back Fuck it I do crack You do crack Now I do Really Oh okay so what do you do You don't look like you've done cocaine once in your life You look like you've done cane sugar You should have saw me in the parking lot, bro We've been having fun We be having fun Yes We be having fun So, Scott, what do you do for work? I don't know If I should do that Oh, boy, you're a hell of an interview so far, Scott You don't want to tell us what you do, what drugs you do I got in trouble I fell So, Spectrum Okay, perfect.

1:06:33Brian Redban:You work for a cable company. My legs all banded. I fell through a hole, so it's like a worker's comp injury. Okay. Yeah. So you're not supposed to be, like, walking around in public? No, no. Video and shit? What the fuck are you talking? Whoa. Jesus Christ. It just happened Tuesday. I got 34 stitches. Whoa. Right. What happened? I mean, you fell into a hole? Yeah, I was loading shit on a truck, and I fell. Okay. You guys want him to jump? This is a Dallas thing. This is very exciting. Can you do ten jumping jacks for us? How many of you want to see him do ten jumping jacks right now? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

1:07:19Brian Redban:This is going to fuck up my bag. No. That's all I know. Six. This is going to fuck up the bag. Siete. Ocho. Nineveh. Hey. Oh, shit. Not happening. Oh, look at that. Full heel turn. Gay. Wow. It's a razor remote shirt. Fuck them. Wow. Have you ever snitched on anyone? Is that why you think you have 34 stitches right now? You consider yourself somewhat of a tattletale? You can close the cage behind me. I ain't talking. Okay. Wow. I ain't a snitch. Okay. She's over here telling me jump. No, I'm not going to fucking jump. These people want you to jump, Scott. I mean, it's it's the decision is unanimous.

1:08:01Brian Redban:There's a funny thing in Dallas. They want you to fucking jump. You keep showing them a pink. I mean, that's a pink ace bandit. I'll show it. You look like. This better be gnarly. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, he is pulling out his wound. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. OK. Jump. Eat shit. All of you. The funny thing is... That thing looks like it needs ice, and the wound looks bad, too. Nice. That was good. That was solid. The stitches are the best part of that leg. Oh, my goodness. All right. Did you blow a dude? What? Did a dude blow you? Did a dude blow me? Yeah. Today? No. No. I thought a train of blue, I'm sorry.

1:08:59Hey, calm down. It's yes, by the way.

1:09:05Brian Redban:Thank you. She was a wonderful woman. She identified as a woman, and that's what makes the difference. It's enough for me. Meanwhile, he wouldn't even look at the tits bouncing earlier. I can't believe this is happening. we're degrading this woman that had no talent on the show and has her tits out while talking about her kids the dude that blew her tits and that chick did alright Scott Ramos you are leaving here with a medium sized joke book my friend congratulations I know people there he goes Scott Ramos coming back in for daps. Oh my goodness. It's a security infringement. This is it. We're all gonna die.

1:10:02Brian Redban:Tony got fucking Charlie'd in Dallas. Alright. Who's the great Heidi and Val getting us all liquored up? We're having a good old time. We have another special treat. Yes, they love jumping tests. Val, you wanna do 10? Come do ten. You guys want ten jumping jacks from Val? Oh, the shoes make it hard. Oh, my goodness. You sweet thing. I could pee on them. Come on, get up there. Get right up there. Yeah. This is Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen.

1:10:48Who loves the United States of America?

1:10:58Oh, look who's back on the side of women again. That was good. My pants need stitches after watching that.

1:11:08Brian Redban:Back to comedy we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we have yet another member of our unbelievable crew. It's a very small crew, believe it or not, that this entire machine operates off of. But yet another one of them are born and raised in motherfucking Dallas, Texas. You've seen her on this show multiple times. Here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for the great Aya, everybody. It's the return of Aya.

1:11:39I went on a walk with my little cousin the other day, and he confessed to me that he thought that gay people were a waste of sperm.

1:11:53and that really shocked me i didn't believe him at first i thought he meant that gay people waste a lot of sperm because they do um gay people waste so much sperm it's kind of all that they do with it and i'm not wasteful

1:12:16i recycle recycling is um recycling feels like you're deciding your trash gets to go to heaven instead of hell and sometimes that's too much pressure so i'll just litter fuck it purgatory um i i um you know gay people i think are real but i'm skeptical of lesbians just because they play with like dildos and stuff and i feel like if you were really a lesbian you would have like a pocket pussy

1:13:09Brian Redban:brilliant i love it dallas's own aya ladies and gentlemen huh yeah fucking awesome hey tony hello hi tim hi joe hi red man hi hey i had a great job thank you tim Really good. Thank you, Joe. Yeah, really great. You're you're Arab, aren't you? I'm sorry? You're Arab, right? I am. Me too. Oh, really? What kind? I'm Moroccan. Oh, really? Yeah, 100%. That's awesome. He was Moroccan his dick in a tranny's mouth.

1:13:51Brian Redban:The dog's out of the bag, if you will. What happens in Egypt stays in Egypt. I thought that happened to you in Vegas. You what? I thought that happened to you in Vegas. Yes. Oh, okay. You did not stay in Vegas. Yeah. But Joe, you're Egyptian, right? I am Egyptian, mostly. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't exploit it, so I get nothing out of it. Right. Yeah, I just walk around like a dumb white and get me nowhere this career. I always knew you were Egyptian because any time you would leave the men's room, you're Dick Sphinx. Because you were banging trannies in the ass. Sphinx. Sphinx instead of stinks.

1:14:37Brian Redban:Anybody? Everybody. Finally, someone gayer than me on this show. Jody Gay. Someone that's actually kind of gay. Speaking of which, Tony had a fruit platter in his green room, but he didn't eat any because it would have been cannibalism. Gay.

1:15:04Brian Redban:Joe had sausage in his green room. Her name was Leslie.

1:15:16Brian Redban:We're having fun here. This feels like home. I love it. I love it. You are so always, you are just really you. For those of you that might be wondering, some of these people, they kind of amp up and do a character-ish thing. Or fake and being retarded. Yeah, exactly. For example, Colt, who we work with all the time, he's never really like, hey, Tony, I got to tell you, I got to tell you. But Aya is always like this. She's always sweet and real and just herself. Very nice, polite. And then there's this amazing, amazing stand-up that you do that is so smart. Like, I've never thought of that fucking pocket pussy thing.

1:16:02Brian Redban:I thought my brain had kind of covered everything with lesbians and dildos and all of it. They should have one that they eat for the love of the game, right?

1:16:19I want to be the very best lesbian. I have a couple in my car if you want one of them. Okay, cool.

1:16:29Brian Redban:Red man. No, she's not jumping, you fucking animals.

1:16:37Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm not going to jump.

1:16:40Brian Redban:No, I'm not going to make you jump. You're too special for that. Are you going to ask me where I'm from? Where are you from? I'm from Garland, Texas. Oh, my goodness.

1:16:55All the Mexicans. How many goddamn neighborhoods does Dallas have? It has a lot. That's the 17th fucking neighborhood that somebody said.

1:17:07Brian Redban:Yeah. Dallas and Houston are two of the weirdest. They're like their own fucking states. It's very bizarre. That is bizarre. What's Garland known for? So. Oh, the place is in a ruckus. Okay, so. Bunch of homos. David Koresh went to my high school. Wow. Name drop. Mm-hmm. Not to brag or anything. Wow. In the end, you both ended up burning down the house. It's incredible. Oh, okay. It's like a good thing. You had a good set. I thought you were being racist for a sec. didn't Koresh burn down yeah his house burned down I think I have the thing right nobody's reacting okay anything else crazy we should talk about before getting you back um okay I had a question for D Madness actually ooh very exciting I love this okay he did hey D we have a mic for D is that one going on do you watch porn ooh good question

1:18:14Yes. Yes.

1:18:24Brian Redban:Wow, that is incredible. Dee, I have a follow-up question, unless you do, Aya. You go for it. Now, do you tend to have a preference between, like, black women and white women or lesbians or, you know, anything like that? Do you have, like, a preference?

1:18:48Brian Redban:Unbelievable answer. Their voices though, like black voice or...

1:19:02Brian Redban:Amazing. Is there like a volume that you're into?

1:19:10Is there a volume you're into?

1:19:14Brian Redban:Volume Like spatial audio Like do you want it loud or quiet? Oh perfect That's how I like my steak I can't believe there's no preference between black or white Audio wise I think black porn's a lot It's got a lot more humor in it oh hell no you ain't putting it there that thing can't even fit back there

1:19:47wait a minute that sounds like a black woman that's right oh okay that's what i was doing

1:19:53Brian Redban:i wasn't expecting that from you i don't know if you know anything about d but if a dude talks during his porn he has to start all over again this guy is a he's the known resident homophobe on the show. Normally he takes one of his pee breaks when anyone's being slightly gay. The fact that he found out DeRosa got sucked off by a tranny at last year's skank fest means that he's never going to be able to look Joe directly in the eyes again. He never did before, so. How about a hand for the great D-Madness, everybody. And Aya, you're a saint. So much fun. One of the best fucking... I just love it.

1:20:31Brian Redban:The energy around Aya. She's definitely going to be doing this for the rest of her life. That's a fucking little starlet you're seeing right there. You get to watch people grow here on Kill Tony in real time. Normally you don't find out about these people until they're 15 years into their career. 10, 15, 20 years. Only on this show do you get to watch people start, get better, go through it, maybe, you know, have a tough set, get great again. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool's name is Tomek Kolecki. That sounds familiar. Tomek Kolecki, everybody.

1:21:10Hi. Hello, Dallas, and hello, America. Hi. I'm Tomek Kolecki. I'm from Poland. I just arrived to this country one week ago. So I have very strong accent, and because of this accent, it's hard to get pussy in America, you know? Because we don't have sexy accents. Italian people, sexy accents. French people, ooh la la, I want to see you pussy. Polish people, we sound like Borat. It's hard to be sexy Borat, you know. With this accent, my best pick-up line is very nice, how much? And it works only on prostitute, but works. Works, yeah. I need to work on my accent though, I need to, because I want to trick Latinas into believing that I can give them green cards.

1:22:02What else? If you don't know where Poland is, I don't blame you. We don't have oil, right? You all know where Venezuela is, right? Don't worry. In Poland we cool with America because we are not that important, you know. For you to understand how less Poland means in Europe, we are white people without white privilege. It's like being a black guy with short dick. Thank you very much. Thank you.

1:22:30Brian Redban:Tomek Kolecki. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Hell yeah. Tomek is back. Yeah, I'm back, baby. Another fun set. How'd you end up here in Dallas? We know you're originally from Poland. Yeah. And we met you in Austin, Texas. Yeah. But how'd you end up here? I've been in Austin last year for three months. then I went back to Poland and I just arrived to America a week ago. A week ago. So you drove here from Austin for this? I mostly stay in Austin, but of course I need to come for this, right? Is there anything about Dallas that you've fallen in love with since you've been here?

1:23:06Brian Redban:It's a nice city. I'm from Poland. Every city in America is nice. It's nice. And I can feel energy in Dallas because I'm a supporter of Poland football national team, like soccer national team. So I understand your pain in Dallas because you support Dallas Cowboys. So I understand disappointment. Just take note that even people that live in small countries, literally on the other side of the planet, that don't really know how football works, make fun of you. They all make a Dallas Cowboy I understand I'm terrible It is so bad, our soccer team is so bad They like a Dallas Cowboy There's some people that are pissed Oh my goodness Oh there's this one lady looking at me So angry right now I understand disappointment This one lady looks like she's going to Pull a pocket pussy out of her mouth And start eating it Just for the love of the game Yeah.

1:24:12Brian Redban:Oh. No, not that one. The one behind. She knows which one. Okay, Joe DeRosa. No, I'm just... Dude, honestly, man, I'm so impressed. I'm always so impressed when somebody from another country comes to the States and does well. For you to come from Poland and kill, like, it's so impressive to me. Because I've traveled with stand-up. I've been to China, Amsterdam, Iceland. I bomb my fucking ass off when I go to other countries. for you to come in from poland spur the moment and smash like that it's fucking really impressive thank you appreciate it thank you it's really impressive man thank you so easy thank you so much let's go whoa whoa some polish chorizo amazing yeah where'd you learn to speak Spanish?

1:25:05Brian Redban:Why did you learn to speak Spanish? Are they invading Poland too? In Poland, it's mandatory to learn two separate languages and everybody learn English. Another one you can choose. I'm not going to learn German because Polish people have PTSD from German. So you just hear, schaise, schaise. I cannot do this, you know. Spanish is easier, you know. Spanish is nice. Like, ooh, ooh, la la. Okay. All right. You ever been with a Latina woman before? No, not yet. Oh, my goodness. Have you ever kissed a Latina woman before? Not yet. Is there a Latina woman out there in the audience? Can we get some house lights up here for a second?

1:25:47Brian Redban:Give me some house lights. Is there a Latina woman that wants to make Kill Tony history and a Polish boy's dream come true? Stand up if there's a decent Latina woman. Is that a Latina woman right there? Come on up, sweetheart. There you are. This is how the magic happens. Only here. Only in the Kill Tony universe, everyone. We're up here. We're going to have one of the bad guys from Indiana Jones throw you up here. This security guy here. Oh, my goodness. Look at this. I just need to... Your first Latina kiss. Make it a good one. Just one second. Oh, Jesus Christ, Comex. This is why we threw you guys on the trains in World War II.

1:26:36Brian Redban:Just go with the flow, dude. What are you... You're ruining the momentum. I have a beautiful girlfriend in Poland. Oh, my God. You cannot go full. Oh, my God. Can I give you a... Oh, my God. Tomek. Tomek. I love my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend. Sorry for that, but... No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, Tomek. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Tomek, look over here, you stupid bastard. Look over here. I know, but... Tomek, you really think your girlfriend wouldn't get it if you kissed a girl on the show? Yeah, she would. She would be mad? Yeah. Oh, well, you're in trouble no matter what. Tim Butterly.

1:27:15Brian Redban:Tomek, you're making the right call. No, nobody wants that. Oh, he blew it. You know, Tony, I'll kiss this girl. I can kiss Red Van, no problem. I can kiss Red Van, no problem.

1:27:30Brian Redban:How about Joe DeRosa? Will you kiss Joe DeRosa, Tomek? Let's throw a wig on him. Suck his dick! Suck his fucking dick, dude! Alright, alright. Go on to get a kiss on the cheek. Let's go, everybody. Who wants a kiss on the cheek? Shut the fuck up, Tomek. You son of a bitch. Joe DeRosa. I'm sorry. You sound like, by the way, dude, you sound like the kid in high school that lies. I got a super hot girlfriend. She lives in Poland. She's smoking hot, I swear to God. Have you saw Polish girls are beautiful, you know? Polish girls are? Polish girls are beautiful. But dumb as shit. I feel bad letting this poor Latina woman up here without a kiss.

1:28:17Brian Redban:Michael Gonzalez, have you ever kissed a Latina woman before? Oh, my God. I mean, I'm just trying to make showbiz magic happen here. It's a live show. Anything can happen. All these other late night hosts have producers and writers and everything's decided. Michael Gonzalez, show this woman how to kiss, will you? Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, shit. I think she might be pregnant now. That's incredible. Wow. Thank you. Oh, my goodness gracious. Again, the bad guy from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is going to let you down. Olom Shibad. Olom Shibad. You have herpes now, by the way. Oh, wow. Red band.

1:29:03Brian Redban:Throwing in a little fucking pepper on the soup.

1:29:10Brian Redban:All right. So, Meg, another great set. Next time, just fucking kiss the girl. It's showbiz, dude. This ain't Poland. This is where big, big, big things are made. And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, bro. Whoa. Thank you.

1:29:26Brian Redban:Catches like a real pole. These Polish people, not the smartest, you know what I mean? There he goes. He's going to go draw pictures in that book.

1:29:41I love that his girlfriend was okay with him going, I'm going to spend five grand to throw my name into a bucket, but not with kissing a chick. Yeah. Yeah.

1:29:51Brian Redban:I can't believe you would fucking kiss that girl on a show where the whole fucking crowd wanted you to Can you imagine going back to Poland Age kids at least Alright, we have another one word name You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool Oh, DeRosa's gotta go jerk off Make some noise for your next bucket pool everybody It's Gil Gil is next on Kill Tony

1:30:33The first time that I ever got in a crowd like this is going to be like this. This is fucking crazy. But.

1:30:46Man.

1:30:50I'm about to pull out William Montgomery Because I can't remember shit right now But the You know back a long time ago There was a pope It was Pope Gregory And he hated cats He hated them so bad he wanted them all killed And that's the first time I ever heard about a pope Killing some pussy

1:31:13Yeah Yeah.

1:31:19You know, if you got, if you got a, if you commit incest more than once, is it recess? I was kind of asking for my cousin, but you know, fuck it. When I was a kid, I used to think that you got gonorrhea, that's how you got rid of diarrhea. Fucking.

1:31:41Brian Redban:All right, there's a crocodile, and there was an alligator. All right, I want you to keep going, Gil, because it took you a while to get started. Now you got momentum. I want to hear more of these jokes. Start that one over again. Okay. Let's go, Gil.

1:31:57Okay, there's this crocodile, and he was fucking this alligator. And right when he got done, he said, I'm caiman.

1:32:06yeah you know my uh my girlfriend she won't have sex with me because she said I look like the Lorax fuck that shit I'm so broke my goddamn EBT my goddamn internet provider is chat EBT

1:32:27I'm not I'm for gender-affirming surgeries, but I am for all furries to be spaded and neutered. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Hey, I'm talking...

1:32:44Brian Redban:I've never seen a set where it gets more blatantly better as he goes than this one. I spent the first 30 seconds talking about how crazy life is that you're here, and then you just started... Fuck. I mean, I've done this about 10 times, you know, and nothing like, in front of 10 people, you know what I mean? It's nothing like this shit. Incredible. But yeah, but anyway, I was going to get back to my, to the furries, you know, I've talked shit about the furries and all, you know, and that guy wouldn't have lives next door to me. And she's like, she comes up, she flirts with me, she gets on the fence, and she goes back and forth, and she rubs my leg every now and then.

1:33:19And I told my girlfriend, and if she don't quit, I'm going to fuck that bitch.

1:33:24You know.

1:33:26Brian Redban:Wow. This is so cool. Yeah. So you've only done stand-up about ten times. About ten times. About ten times. This is an honor for me. Hey, man, you can do this shit, man. Whoa, look at that. That's a legit Kill Tony tattoo. So nice to meet Stone Cold Steve Dallas. Oh, yeah, brother. I'm not even from Dallas. No, I know, I know. Joke works, though, because we're here. Where are you from? I'm from Atlanta, but I live in Panama City Beach right now. Okay. I should have known by the fucking handlebar Hulk Hogan mustache. Look at that thing. What do you do for work? Are you a bouncer at a vape store?

1:34:01Brian Redban:What is it? Yeah, exactly. I wish. I wish. And I'm unemployed right now. Okay. What did you do before that? I was an electrician. Electrician. And then I moved to Panama City to chase my dream of comedy. What made you move to Panama City to do that? Well, I already had a place there. I got divorced, and I already had a place there, and I had nowhere to live in Atlanta, so I just quit my job there and said, fuck it. I heard the girls are pretty there, Tony. Yeah. Oh, is that what you heard? Yeah. Okay. All right. I already got a girl, but there is some hot ones there, you know. Okay. So where did you get with this new girl?

1:34:34Brian Redban:How long have you been with her? Well, actually, I've been with her all my life, you know, but we got separated, you know. Okay. She was my first girlfriend when I was, like, 14, and then she had six kids. She had six kids? Yeah. How many kids did you have? One. You had one? Yeah. And how long ago did you get divorced? A year ago. And then when did you start banging this chick again? A year and a half ago. Oh, okay. Now I see the timeline works out. I see why you got divorced. Yeah. Absolutely perfect. Definitely. Hell yeah. If you see my ex-wife, you really know. I bet. You might be the perfect stepdad.

1:35:16Brian Redban:Dang. Every detail about you from head to toe Is idealized Thank you I appreciate that I take that as a compliment Totally Absolutely incredible What do you look like with the sunglasses up You look cool as fuck with them Crossite I'm not crossite No we know The alcohol is really hitting Red Band He mixes Red Bull and vodka So he gets more energy And more stupid as the night goes on It's an incredible thing. Perfect for podcasting. Yeah. Anyway. Yes, sir. Yeah, it's incredible. How old's your kid? He's 18. Wow, so you're close to being the world's coolest grandpa. Female? No, he's a male, you know.

1:36:02Brian Redban:Okay, red man. Fucking make, play some funny sounds or something. He's a male. Totally destroying this interview. We have no momentum right now. Shut the fuck up. All right. Tell us something interesting about your life, Gil. about your actual life history? Well, we were talking about my son. You know, this is kind of fucked up to bring up, but we got into it. I had a little falling out. He stabbed me three times. Oh, my God. Stabbed me right here, too. I can't believe you're unemployed. I'm good. I'm good. What exactly happened when he decided to stab you? What were you guys arguing about? His bitch-ass mama.

1:36:36Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. That bitch. That bitch. What did she do this time? Well, we're sitting there, and we got all these kids at our condo. She has six of them? No, we just have one, but she is like the neighborhood mama's. Everybody come down to our condo at spring break from Atlanta. Right. So, you know, I'm cool then. You know, everybody wants to hang out at the back. Hell, yeah, because you're in Panama City, fucking fresh puss. Yeah. All right, go ahead. But anyway, we're all down there. This was before I got divorced, of course. So, we're down there. Divorce, divorce, of course, of course.

1:37:11Of course, of course. All right. Man, I got caught in my mouth a little bit. But anyway, so we're down there, and she's like, I'm going to have to go get something to eat. And she's like, well, I can't leave all these kids here. You're a grown-ass man. Go get yourself something to eat. So I said, okay. I went and got something to eat. Well, then when I come home, she done told my son that I stole her goddamn bank card and shit, you know, and that I done took off with it. Yeah. You don't look like the kind of guy that would ever do that.

1:37:42Brian Redban:No, no. It was my bank card. You're damn right. Yeah. At the end of the day, you're the provider. What does that bitch do for work anyway? She don't. You're damn right. Yeah. I fucking knew it. I knew it. Stay at home, bitch. But anyway, yeah, exactly. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. See, we have momentum now. All right. Stick with the sound of us. Oh, man. Go ahead. I am loving this shit right now. God damn it. God damn it. This is so exciting. DeRosa's heart is a rock right now. I know it. I know it. I know it. He's looking at that handlebar handles. I know it. That mustache could hold a lot of cums.

1:38:22They have gutters. They have gutters. Yeah, yeah.

1:38:26Brian Redban:Oh, there he is. Oh, for the last four, Brian Redband from the plate. All right, go ahead. So wait, it was your bank card. Yeah. But you came home. Yep. She said you stole her bank card. She don't even have a bank card. You ask me, she has a skank card. Fuck that bitch. Well, goddamn. Anyway, she got them all around. I walk in the door, and it's like kids going, you know, it's like, to the window, to the walls. Oh, yeah, and we know how you feel about that kind of music. No, no, fuck no. And I look at them, and I said, yeah, till the sweat runs down my balls. And all the kids are like, oh. So I go over there and I was like, hey Blake, what's going on?

1:39:09She's like, you got my motherfucking card? I said, don't talk to me like that. Well, she already been talking shit before I got them, before when I was gone. Got the kids all riled up because my son would never step in front of me.

1:39:21Brian Redban:And once she starts blabbing, then comes the stabbing. Yeah. That's what we always say. I know, buddy. I know you and you know me. We're a happy family with a big old hug and a kiss from me to you. Say you love me too. Let's go. When does the stabbing start? About 2 o 'clock in the morning. Wow. And does he say anything before he plunges at you with a knife? Well, the music's so loud, I really couldn't hear it. But he just steps in front of me. That's what that music tends to do. It tends to cause violence with people. This is a massive jump, by the way. Oh, yeah. From him jumping into a sing-along to getting stabbed.

1:39:55Brian Redban:Speaking of jump, give us 10 real quick. Give us 10. Let's go. 1, 2, 3.

1:40:09Yeah!

1:40:10Brian Redban:The crowd goes wild here in Dallas, Texas. Easy breezy. You guys make out! You two make out! Oh, shit. DeRosa's about to get four stab wounds. All right, so back to the stabbing. Yeah, yeah. Got stabbed. I fucking got separated You know I didn't get to exactly how I got stabbed He just stepped in front of me And I was like You know The fuck And he had a knife He's like No No no no no He just I was like I'm trying to get I'm trying to get by him And the motherfucker just slaps me In the face In front of all his goddamn friends I'm like What the fuck So I just slapped the fuck out of him You're goddamn motherfucking right you did Does he have a mustache like yours Did it like flap a little bit When you slapped him No He had no fucking facial hair at all You're goddamn right Why?

1:41:00Brian Redban:Because he's that bitch's son. No. Doesn't have the powerful genetics like you, Gil. No, he looks just like me. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, I don't know. I'm just guessing here. I know, I know, I know. All right, go ahead. Then what happens? Well, then after he slaps me, I'm like, you know, they go crazy, and all the kids are going crazy, and they're like, oh, and I'm like, I'm just standing there, like, who the motherfucker's gonna slap me? What the fuck do you expect, you know? Right. Dumbass motherfucker. I mean, if you slap me again, I'm gonna slap you again. You know what I mean? You're damn right.

1:41:28Brian Redban:Did you tear up at all the way that you sometimes do when you get slapped? Yeah, sometimes a natural. No, I didn't tear up at all. I was like, what the fuck? Hell no. No one knows that you did because you wear those sunglasses 24-7. You could slap this man all day. You won't see a sign of emotion. No. Especially from a kid, you know what I mean? You know what we say in Panama City or wherever the fuck you're from? Tears are for queers. Yeah, exactly right. You're right. Hell yeah. If you want that clap back, I'm going to slap back. You know what I'm saying? We got a lot of sayings down there. I have them all tattooed on my forearms.

1:42:02Brian Redban:No. All right. Okay. So when did the stabbing start? It's the longest interview of the night, and I think it's damn well worth it. Well, it happened right after they went crazy and shit. I go out to console my niece because she's like, I don't know, traumatized or something. How old's the niece? 35? No. She's the same age as my son. Okay. And, like, she never watched her goddamn parents fight and shit. You know what I mean? Right. Like, all of a sudden traumatized and shit. I'm like, what the fuck, you know? So I'm just trying to help her out because, you know. The niece is black. You're like, Dedrick?

1:42:35Brian Redban:No. Okay, forget it. Keep going. Stabbing. Let's get to the actual stabbing part. So I'll come back in the house after she freaks out and she leaves and shit. And I come back in the house and he's like, you fucking pussy, get the fuck out of my house. I'm like, who, is that the bitch again? No, that's my son. Oh, yeah, bitch number two. She didn't got to his head talking shit. Yep. So then all of a sudden I'm like, you know, what the fuck, you know? You know, get the fuck out of the way. I'm trying to go upstairs. Just go on, pussy, you know? The motherfucker, about that time I just feel, bap, bap, bap.

1:43:05And I'm like, Blake, your goddamn boy doesn't fucking hit me. About that time blood just starts pouring down my side. I'm like, you fucking little pussy. And they're all goddamn separated and shit. I just walk upstairs. I'm like, what the fuck? You just walked upstairs? That's it? Yep. Stab wound in your skull? No, I'm talking about you. Wow, real nice.

1:43:26Brian Redban:once in the skull yeah wow so you'll slap him back but if he stabs you you just go up to your room i mean you know what the fuck gill i didn't have enough thank god well gill i'll tell you what man uh you know you showed what the show is because you were nervous as fuck clearly when you got up here you let the pressure get to you and then you fought it all the way all the way to a great back end of the set and an unbelievable interview, Gil. Thank you, my friend. There he is, Gil, ladies and gentlemen. Well, we're coming around the corner. I have a few special treats left for you. One of them is happening right now at this very moment as I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show, a man so powerful that sometimes God himself says, wow, that guy is good.

1:44:22Brian Redban:You've seen him open kill Tony more times than any other golden ticket winner. He has more spots all time than any other golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, the undeniable force that is Martin Phillips.

1:44:46Oh, cool, cool. Cool, thank you. So good. Cool, cool. Great.

1:45:01Great.

1:45:06Great.

1:45:13Great. Great. The actor of the show. Okay. I could never be a surgeon for other reasons. I'm very squeamish, so I'd be like, ew, Gricky. Lose the leg. Okay, lose the leg. I can't. I don't know if I trust doctors, you know. you go to the doctor and they're like, you have leukemia. And it's like, I didn't have that before I came here. You know, I was feeling good, you know. At the hotel I'm at, I was walking to my room. I could hear people having sex. And at first I was like, yeah, you know. But then I heard the guy, he was like, I was like, this is gross. Way to ruin it, bro. Icky, yucky, yucky.

1:46:28Brian Redban:Martin Phillips has done it again. Incredible that you got to see and feel the amazing love that these people have for you from so many accumulated many, many, many, many, many accumulated killer sets and interviews. I didn't even like that list, but you know what? It's cool now. I got cool with the guys. Hell yeah. And clearly, you're the best player ever in Texas Rangers baseball history. A lot of people know that. Since Nolan Ryan, at least. I'll give Nolan Ryan some credit. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Hell yeah.

1:47:13Brian Redban:Heck yeah. The king of the bunts over here. True. The king of the bunts. Well, Tim Butterly. I'm curious. Did you try any sports as a kid? Yes. Okay. I was the water boy on our football team. Okay. I had to wear a jersey. I had my own jersey. Wow. I was the manager of our college club baseball team, Division II. And at the end of the season, they let me go up at bat, and I hit the ball. I got to run. So my batting average is 1 ,000. Wow. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Fun fact, he's the first person to ever dribble on a baseball field. Well, you know, actually, I brought something special tonight. Oh, my goodness.

1:48:21So in the past, I tap danced at the show, you know? But then I realized a lot of people can't afford tap shoes, or they don't want to commit to tap shoes. So for all the kids out there, I have made my made-at-home tap shoes myself.

1:48:43Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness. Do you have actual tap shoes on? No, made-at-home tap shoes. So all you have to do is get some old sneakers, crush some soda cans, and duct tape them to the bottom of your shoes. You've done that here today. Can we get a little tap dance? It sounds just like regular tap shoes. You can do this at home, okay? This is incredible. You're like Bill Nye or something. I call them Texas tap shoes. Okay. Oh. Everybody be quiet. You have to be quiet.

1:49:37Brian Redban:Wow. Sounds insane.

1:49:46Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. I literally can't tell the difference between that and good tap dancer. Uh-oh. Dallas has spoken, ladies and gentlemen. I think we gotta put the mic down on the ground one more time, because these people want ten improvised jumping jacks from you, Martin Phillips. We gotta give Dallas what they want. With the tab shoes on? I mean, yeah, that's... Let's just give it a shot here. We'll see how it sounds. It'll be great. Just any form of jumping jack is gonna be fully acceptable here. And I can do a fucking jumping jack. Yes, okay, perfect.

1:50:32Brian Redban:Here we go. Count them out. Ten of them. One, two, three, four, five, six, eight, ten.

1:50:47Brian Redban:America! America! Oh, my God. Make some fucking noise for the great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Another great set. Another great interview. He's batting 1 ,000 on Kiltony as well as his Little League career. All right. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for another Dallas bucket poll. This is Steven Taco, everybody. Steven Taco is the name.

1:51:30Sup.

1:51:34So I'm a beekeeper. Keep bees. Interesting thing about bees though is I didn't know that not all of them make honey, right? So I beekeep the Western European honey bee, right? Makes honey. But then there's like the Africanized killer bee. They make crack cocaine.

1:52:02Cool thing about bees, though, is that they're like, they're hive-minded, right? They're like the ultimate form of communism. Yeah, they're a lot like the Chinese. Like, it's all for one. The individual doesn't matter, and they all look exactly the same.

1:52:24And that's racist.

1:52:31Brian Redban:All right, Stephen Taco. Welcome to the show, Stephen. You've been on before, right? No, sir. First time. It's your first time? Yes, sir. First time ever even signing up. Wow. How long have you been on stand-up? About six years. Six years. Where at? Fort Worth. Okay. You know Fort Worth well. What's up? Again, hyenas? Yes, sir. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Yes, sir. I love it. So tell us about your life. What do you do for work? So I'm a beekeeper part-time, and then I'm a server at Riskies, Riskies Barbecue in downtown Fort Worth. Fuck yeah. Riskies? Hell yeah. That's what Joe calls a blowjob at Skankfest.

1:53:12Look, any food you ever handed me would be considered risky. Wow.

1:53:21Brian Redban:So how did you get into beekeeping? So my uncle's been doing it for like 15 years, and he's been trying to get me into it, and for the longest time I was like, fuck that, I ain't fucking doing it with bees, are you fucking out your mind? And then I went with him to a farmer's market, and he made like$1 ,000 in like four hours, so I was like, fuck it, let's sling some honey, dude. It's like selling drugs, but legally, you know what I mean? Something like that. Okay, I love it. Your uncle ever tried to touch you? Tried.

1:53:55He's a millionaire, dude. I'd let him.

1:53:58Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. I love that. He was calling you honey before you ever touched a bee. Amazing. And it's a profitable business, beekeeping? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a little side hustling. I mean, I do it every other weekend. We sell it at the Azle Farmer's Market. Y 'all come and see me, dude. Wow, a lot of name-dropping is happening. A lot of fat people going crazy for the farmer's market. amazing steven what's your love life like well who's that picture on all over the goonies i think no that's my mother wow what is is it really it's really your mother yes why why why do you have that picture of your mom all over you uh so she called me one night was like oh my god i lost my tooth yeah and so i was like you got to send me a picture of it yeah so she sent me the picture I was like, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen in my entire life.

1:54:52Amazing. So she was like, do you want me to make you a t-shirt? I'm like, do I?

1:54:57Brian Redban:Hell yeah. And then I was at her house right before I came here. I had to drop my son off. And she saw what I was wearing. She's like, are you really going to wear that shirt? I'm like, hell yeah. She's like, isn't this on YouTube? I'm like, mom, you're about to be fucking famous, dude. So shout out, mom, dude. Hey, you guys.

1:55:14Brian Redban:Amazing. i'm pretty sure most of the bucket pools tonight have a mom missing a tooth joe de rosa uh aside from your uncle how many times have you been stung dude a bunch dude like by bees i mean does it happen a lot a lot dude yeah they don't like me i don't know what it is probably me fucking stealing all their fucking honey but like what's the most like you ever got stung like how many you know i got i got stung like eight times in my hand through the glove uh we got a new species it's a russian species and they're fucking aggressive dude russian bees russian bees dude yeah god what could possibly go wrong well we had some italian bees but they're real fucking calm but they don't make a lot of honey so we're like let's get some russians and they are fucking workhorses yeah they're fucking soldiers bro and they're drinking vodka getting into bare knuckle boxing matches doing Russian shit.

1:56:14Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. I'm surprised the Italian bees were calm. Yeah, dude, they give up. Did you have any other kind of bees? Did you perhaps have any black bees at any point? Because I'm guessing very little honey was made that day. They went out for milk, never came back.

1:56:36Brian Redban:Steven Taco. Amazing. Steven, what's another fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? I just got out of prison. Whoa. The part-time beekeeper worker at Riskies with a mom missing a tooth, wearing a shirt with her face all over, just got out of prison? Crazy, right? Incredible. What were you in prison for? Possession of a controlled substance of methamphetamines. Yeah. Wow. You had crystal meth on you? Yeah. Amazing. I know, Dean. Wow. The apple doesn't fall far from the tooth. So, how much meth? I don't even know what quantity would be interesting, but did you have a lot of meth on you?

1:57:16No, dude, it was under a gram. It was like such a small amount.

1:57:20Brian Redban:Oh, yeah, you're just trying to get a slight little buzz on. Welcome to Dallas where you get booed for having only a little meth on you. Boo, that ain't even enough to get me high for the night, pussy. Man, little man, what are you doing trying to get your chihuahua high? less than a gram shit boo that amount of milk by the way there's no such thing as a little bit of meth that's like saying kind of rape yeah I would be deathly afraid to have even a speckle on anything how often do you do meth my little friend I've been sober for 15 months now oh wow look at that thank you I heard booze Yeah, they boost sobriety as well here.

1:58:10Brian Redban:So that was, how long were you in jail for? About a year. Okay. Just a little bit. So that's what sobered you up? Yeah, people ask me, like, how'd you get sober? I'm like, it's this nice state-funded rehabilitation center called the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Hell yeah, that'll do it. Did you have cellmates or anything like that? Yeah, I was in a 68-man dorm. There was 68 of us all in one dorm. God, a 68-man dorm. Calm down, Tony.

1:58:40how many times did you get stung in there

1:58:45Brian Redban:not that many so tell us what's the highlight of the 68 man dorm i mean you must have stories out of the wazoo in the wazoo yeah dude it was it was to believe believe it or not dude prison's not that funny it's actually kind of depressing so i mean there must be a moment that would be compelling or interesting though we were just talking to a guy for 12 minutes that got stabbed in the head by his stepson. Give us a little something here. That was his actual son. So, actually, like, contrary to popular belief, like the prison rape thing, that's what I was worried about, right? No one wants to rape a guy who has a picture of his toothless mama.

1:59:23But they're not raping in there, dude. They're just fucking, dude. Yeah, it's consensual. Yeah. People go on dates and shit. Like, they have boyfriends.

1:59:33Brian Redban:I bet you half of the guys do not agree with you, though. But the other half knew.

1:59:43Brian Redban:Did you have an anal orgasm? Me, no, never. What's the wackiest thing? Did you jerk off when you were in prison? All the time. So how do you do it? How do you do it without other people being like, hey, stop that up there? It was pretty courteous, dude. So we had a shower list, and you put your name on there, right? And so even though it was a big shower, we only went in there one at a time. and we actually had a pimp in the dorm. And he had a binder full of jack shots is what we called it. So it's like chicks with their titties out and stuff like that. And for two soups, you can rent one for your shower session.

2:00:19Brian Redban:If you give someone two soups, they give you a waterproof binder? It's not just a picture. So you have like a whole binder of bitches that you can flip through and be like, I'll take this one today. You just stick it on the wall and do your thing. That guy's a genius. You know, it's funny. That guy just eats soup all day. That sounds like an amazing gig. This was the same setup like eighth graders had when I was a kid. Chunky. Well, the funny thing is like I had my favorites and every now and then I'd be like, I think I'm going to cheat on her tonight with this one. Hell yeah. Were you ever scrolling through the binder and you found a picture of your toothless mom in there?

2:01:00Tony, don't talk like that. My mother's a classy woman. Thank you very much. I agree. Love you, Mom.

2:01:06Brian Redban:I agree. You're speaking the tooth. You're speaking the tooth. Hello, Eddie. All right. Butterly, anything else for Steven Taco? Wait, what was the sketchiest thing that happened to you in your time there? Great question. Look, I get along with everybody. You know how they say you go in there and whoever the biggest guy is, you go in there and you punch him in his fucking face. Yeah, no, you went in there and you gave him your soup. Hell yeah, dude. dude. I went in there and was like, do you want to watch a movie together? Have dinner tonight? I had my jail boyfriend, you know what I mean? Ernie, what's up, dude?

2:01:43Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Shoutouts to Ernie. Hopefully he's getting Wi-Fi right now at the Texas Correctional. He was the biggest dude in there and I was like, I'm going to make sure that guy likes me. I love it. Stephen Taco, fun set, fun interview, very good stuff. Big joke book for you, my friend. Six years in the game. from Fort Worth. That's Steven Taco. Back to the bucket we go. We're coming around that corner. I have two big surprises for you after this. But for now, let's make it your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Trenton Tebow, everybody. Trenton Tebow.

2:02:27I lost my virginity to a female magician. And that really complicated sex for me after that. Because it's like, what do you mean your clit's not behind my ear?

2:02:52man I had some new year's resolutions like uh like I wanted to storm the capital again and uh

2:03:09but i i also wanted to lose like a little bit of weight like nothing crazy i just wanted to lose enough weight that if i heard someone yell hey you fat fuck in public i had the confidence to not turn around.

2:03:28Because, like, fat's more than physical. Fat's like a mindset as well. Because, like, I can't see Chinese lettering without getting hungry. Like, a girl will have a tattoo.

2:03:42Brian Redban:You want to finish it? Girl will have a tattoo. We done? Ready? Yeah, a girl would have a tattoo and she'd say, ah, this means peace and tranquility. I'm like, nah, that's Beijing beef. I fucking... Hell yeah. Trent and Tebow, ladies and gentlemen. First time on Kill Tony? Second. Second. Where was the other one at? Mothership. Nice. How long ago? 2023. Okay. Well, welcome back. It's been a few years, obviously. Trent and Tebow. How long have you been doing stand-up now? Three years and change. Wow. So the first time you were on Kill Tony, you were very, very new. Yeah, I was about a year in, probably.

2:04:23Brian Redban:Well, look at you now, man. Crushing in front of 8 ,000 people. Trenton Tebow. Is this where you're from? Yeah, I live about an hour from here. What part? I live in Mineral Wells, but I'm in Dallas every week. Mineral Wells. Incredible. Incredible. What's the most meth you've ever had on you in one cell? I'm way too fat for meth, dude. Yeah. I got all my teeth. We're good. Perfect. I love it. Trenton, what do you do for a living? I work at a restaurant. Okay. What kind of restaurant is it? Ah, dude, I just fry fucking chicken. That's what I do. Oh, shit. Okay. How long you been frying chicken for?

2:05:06A sad amount of time.

2:05:10Brian Redban:Like nine years. Wow. Yeah, fucking... John Dees has been frying it for like 45 years. It's incredible.

2:05:22It's a job that allows me the flexibility to do stand-up and all that, and I can take off whenever I want. Really? The frying chicken job is flexible? Not very demanding of your time? No, it's not. It's fine. And if I don't show up, it's like someone else will do it.

2:05:44Brian Redban:Mineral Wells sounds like the middle of nowhere. Yeah. It is, right? Yeah, you'd be correct. And that's where you're born and raised? Yes, sir. So, like, what's your family like? What do mom and dad do? See, my dad just got fired after 27 years. What did he get fired from? Well, it was budget cuts. He was the superintendent of the street department. Ah. And then my mom's a drug and alcohol counselor. Oh, okay. Look at that. Wow. So people end up on your dad's streets and your mom takes care of them. Yeah, that's right Amazing absolutely incredible and how many people if you had to guess live in mineral wells?

2:06:23I was 16 ,946 Wow

2:06:27Brian Redban:That's an exact number That's the kind of number that tells you if you think you're move thinking about moving to mineral wells. You got to check in with them first We don't want to make it 16 ,047 2047 or whatever the fuck. Amazing. Trenton, give us another fun fact about you, Trenton Tebow. Right before I was on the show the last time I got hit by a semi-truck. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I end up, I lost about a year's worth of memory from it. Oh my goodness.

2:07:03Brian Redban:Wow. Was there anything specific that you don't remember from then? that you wish you did remember? Well, I mean, I got broken up with, and then I hit her up afterwards, and she was like, what the fuck do you want? I'm like, oh, okay. Damn. That's like getting hit by a semi-truck twice. She got fat, it's okay. Hell yeah. Then it's like really getting hit by a semi-truck.

2:07:36Brian Redban:Amazing. Hell yeah. Incredible stuff. Go ahead. I thought your set was great, man. I think you're fucking really funny. Thank you very much. Yeah. Seriously, man. I just wanted to say that. Hey, I liked your special. What's that? I liked your special. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Trenton, I'm going to be honest with you. They love it when people do 10 jumping jacks for some reason. Is there any chance we can get you to do 10 jumping jacks real quick? Oh, he doesn't even say anything. This man understands the game. Two, three, four, five, six, four, eight, five, seven, eight.

2:08:20Yee-hoo! This is Kill Tony.

2:08:24Brian Redban:And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a big joke book, Trenton. Trenton Tebow, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what an unbelievable bucket experience we had. I have two more giant surprises for you that I don't really think you're going to believe. Why don't we start with this one to begin? Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say that I haven't said more than I've ever said anything about anyone in the history of the show? For this man is the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever. the most interviews ever a living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame who many people refer to as the Vanilla Gorilla the Memphis Strangler the Goliath of Grand Prairie the Duke of Dallas the Bear of Mineral Wells Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine William Montgomery!

2:09:46How's it going, Dallas, Texas?

2:09:53And also, Dallas, I'm so curious, what are the chances that motherfucker was actually a lifeguard? Holy shit! There'd be like me coming out here saying I'm Ryan Flurnoy of the Dallas Cowboys. Tiger Woods got drunk and flipped his car over again. That guy spends more time on his back than Red Band's mom.

2:10:27And by the way, does anybody know, does the Easter Bunny support Israel?

2:10:35Don't make me call my lawyer. That's an impression of me after my teacher asked if my dad signed the field trip permission slip. Knock, knock. Who's there? Prince. Prince doesn't have a last name. Man, I miss the old BET. Sources in Iran say that the new Ayatollah is both stupid and gay. Red Band, I told you your ass is qualified for the job. Okay, that's my time, Tony.

2:11:18Brian Redban:William Lights Out Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. What's up, Tony? The energy in this room tonight. Oh, my God. I mean, it really is something else. It really is. These people have been sitting in here for fucking three and a half, four hours. And also, Joe, a trans person didn't actually suck your dick, right? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yeah. I love you. I was kidding. It doesn't matter It doesn't? It sounds judgmental right now Are you judging? I'm not at all I apologize for bringing this up I feel like it derailed things Let me shine I'm happy for you How's it going Tony?

2:12:10Brian Redban:William, I'm Jeffrey Trying to self-destruct His own incredible momentum These people that love him William, what a set it was You're somehow the first person tonight To cover the Tiger Woods accident A lot of topical, very fun jokes in there Whereas normally you're making references From the 70s, 80s, 60s I know, you've been getting on to me recently, Tony So I switched it up just a little tonight And Tony, I think secretly you like it When I have the old references I think you secretly like it I do, I love everything about you, William You can do no wrong with me We've watched you do more sets than any other human in the history of the show.

2:12:52Brian Redban:You are a man who set a standard for what a Kill Tony regular is supposed to be. Well, I mean, there's a thing happening here, William. They love it if people do 10 jumping jacks. There's something going on here in Dallas. Okay, so I do 10 jumping jacks. I mean, you want to do 10 for us? Yeah. Throw that mic in the mic stand. They'll do the counting for you here. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, representing the Cowboys. William Montgomery doing ten. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, five, six. The crowd goes absolutely wild. This show is insane. Joe DeRosa. Somehow your jumping jacks were worse than Martin's.

2:13:48Were they? I know. Well, and oh my gosh, hold on. On the way over here, we stopped at a Bucky's. And for those who don't know, you actually get the beaver nuggets. If you want a really good dessert, you put a bunch of whole milk in a thing and you put the beaver nuggets and you eat them like cereal. Just a little tip for anybody. It's the best kind of cereal there is. Yeah. And I'll be doing it tonight, Tony. That is a great tip. Yeah, put your beaver nuggets in cereal. Tonight I'm going to mess around with the cinnamon sugar version, so I'm really excited about that. Hell yeah, that's actual advice.

2:14:22Brian Redban:I think it's going to be a little bit like Cap 'n Crunch, Tony!

2:14:28Brian Redban:You have the humans on your side when you amp up like that. What else at Bucky's excites you that much? Shit, probably a little beef jockey! Hey, Tony, you know my ass is talking about the pepper beef jockey! And also the dark chocolate races, Tony! Whoa! Yeah, I gotta figure out my A1C situation, so I'm on the dark chocolate right now. By the way, Tony didn't think your cereal recipe sounded tasty until you changed Beaver to Captain. God damn it. You son of a bitch. I thought that was funny. It's hard to do gay jokes on a straight man. Oh, fuck off! It's hard to do gay jokes on a straight guy after everyone knows you got your dick sucked by a dude, bro.

2:15:16And Joe, I brought it up because I was confirming. I don't care at all. I love you. You've always been so nice to me. It was nothing bad. I love you. No, I know. It was nothing bad.

2:15:24Brian Redban:I was just like, damn, dude. It's okay. I was like, holy shit. William, how about in this? Let's get back to Bucky's, how it fires you up a little bit here, William, because the crowd is really with you. We have a little momentum here. I'm thinking, what do you like in the sandwich department at Bucky's? In the sandwich department? Tony, it's a little weird because I think it's a little kind of, not everybody does this, but I really love the veggie burrito, Tony! And I say the veggie burrito because I really do love Bucky's, but I'm not going to eat chicken or beef at Bucky's, Tony. It's really a sickening quality.

2:15:59Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness. It's really horrible quality. Oh, we've seen this before. He is turning on the crowd. He's playing anti-meat in the heart of Texas. I fucking hate the meat from there, Tony! And the vegetables are just subpar! I actually don't even really like it there, Tony!

2:16:24Brian Redban:Oh my God, William. And you look like a fucking clown, Red Band, and you're Bucky and shit. You look like a fucking make-a-wish person. We love Bucky. Whoa, whoa, look out. DeRosa's getting hard.

2:16:42Brian Redban:Wow. William, you really do love Bucky's, though. I know. I was kidding. And I also was thinking, your mom actually has a tail red band. I was sitting in front of the back last night. I'm thinking, what is this thing? And she says something called a vestigial tail. Wow. Incredible. Is there one more thing that you can grace us with that you love at Bucky's before we let you go, William? Probably the caffeinated things you put in your mouth today. Wow. I don't know what they're called. That's a very broad answer. Yeah. You mean coffee? Yeah. Okay. I think he screamed a little too much. Sometimes the blood gets into his head.

2:17:24Brian Redban:What you're seeing is a real artist who's done it more than anyone else in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, William Montgomery, everybody. I know what you're thinking. That's William, the Hall of Famer. That's where the show normally ends. What could Tony possibly have brought for us here in Dallas, Texas, that could possibly end a show over William Montgomery? What could it possibly be? And I present to you the only human being, even above William, above Red Band, above everybody, who I let take in full, full control when he's on the show. It's a very rare treat. He doesn't do a minute every week.

2:18:13Brian Redban:He has to prepare mentally, physically, a super talent unlike anyone in the 13 years of Kill Sony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an anomaly. For this is Timmy Nobrey.

2:18:52Relax, gay guy. Jesus Christ.

2:18:58So, I, uh, I watched Kill Pwned for the first time. And one word, boring hyphen gay, very gay. So I hired an editor to edit my part of the episode to make it more exciting. Okay? And we're going to be having visual effects going on behind me. So one sec.

2:19:30So everything I described during my minute, pretend like you're seeing it, because we're going to add it in post.

2:19:45Okay. Start the timer, Red Band. No, Red Band, start the fucking timer. So I dig her in the fuck out of this bitch. Just giving it to her, right? And she wasn't coming. So I was like, God damn, what makes you bitches come? What the hell is going on? So I flip her around. I start fisting this bitch. Fuck this. You see a pussy here? I'm fucking going in. I mean, I'm wearing this bitch like a Rolex. Still no cum. So I come around to eat her ass. Now, you are going to be seeing a CGI asshole, Avatar James Cameron level asshole. So I get down, I start talking Navi to this asshole, right? I'm like...

2:20:49Still not coming. So I'm like, all right, goddamn, we gotta set the mood, right? So I throw up FBI crime statistics organized by race. This one's not surprising, right? It's black people or whatever. So then she's really hot and bothered, right? Because she's a racist bitch. So I pick her up. She's fucking going up and down like Bitcoin. And just like the bubble, she bursts. So I set that bitch down, I'm like, bitch, my turn. I just fucking... piss all over her face. And just, at this point, just imagine you're seeing ISIS beheading video. Tone.

2:21:46Brian Redban:Wow. Timmy, no breaks. Yet again. Thank you. Changing the parameters, rewriting the game. We thought we might hit a wall after 13 years, and then we are blessed, graced by the presence of greatness. Timmy, no breaks. All gas, no breaks, with a green screen, ladies and gentlemen, and a green stool. Keep it up. No. Keep it up. No. No, keep it up. No. No, keep it up for the interview. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. All right. Yes, yes, yes. No, I want you to keep it up because I've noticed that you've had a giant amount of dicks behind you lately. What's going on with all the penises, Timmy? I don't know what's going on with you having the same guests every fucking episode.

2:22:37No offense, guys. Honestly, no offense. I like you guys, but you got to.

2:22:41Brian Redban:You want to do panel sometime? Yeah, I do panel. Okay. Well, there you go. There's breaking news. Timmy No Break's panel debut coming soon. I'm sorry that two of the best comedians in the world isn't good enough for you. It's just that, you know, I'm trying to make this show. Don't fuck this up for me. Shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up. You fucking suck my dick. No, cut that. Cut that. That was gay. No, I like that. No, no. You fucking, you get your dick sucked by trans people. You keep that to yourself, Joe. You want to be just like Joe, getting your dick sucked by a guy.

2:23:14Brian Redban:There's a trans person walking up right behind you right now, Timmy. Tim, can you do me a favor and just put this on? Yeah. Just put that on, Tim. Oh. Just throw that on, Tim. My goodness. We need a more exciting guest, you know what I mean? I mean, come on. So who's next? Holy shit. It's Kevin Hart. Holy fuck. Whoa. How did you bang Kevin? That's fucking crazy. Hey, say something, Kevin. Yeah. I don't know. No, you got to sound more urban. He's black. Sound more urban. Sit lower in your chair. Hey, Kevin, why don't you do that joke where you say the M word five times? Why don't you do that? Yeah, just rip that joke, Kev.

2:23:56Man, you f***ing dick. Perfect.

2:24:01Brian Redban:I've never had anyone do green face on the show before. This is very exciting. Oh, shit. Timmy, I don't know if you know the theme of the night, but... Listen, people. People, just imagine Timmy doing jumping jacks on this green screen right now. Yeah. What, is jumping jack your fucking boyfriend, gay guy? Well, I'm not doing jumping jacks. We're going to add that out. No, I was saying that all this is actually very expensive, so I got to do a quick ad read for this toothbrush that hasn't come out yet. And you're going to help me, Tony. You're gonna do the product demonstration and then we're gonna add the toothbrush in afterwards Oh no, no, no And then we're gonna add it in No Tom, Tom, I need to pay for this, okay?

2:24:56You don't pay us. I gotta fucking pay for this shit All right Shut the fuck up

2:25:09Tone, you got to do this. I need to make the money. Come on. Play ball. Here we go. Introducing denti...

2:25:22Brian Redban:I'm not rubbing a dildo up against my teeth, Timmy. You don't have to do it. Oh, okay. Well, I was excited about it. Yeah. Don't worry about it, Tone. Okay. Can everybody cheer on Tone for being a team player? I wonder what this could possibly be. It's going to be a toothbrush, Tone. I needed something that was green and the same size. That's all I could find, okay? It's quite the girthy toothbrush, Timmy. Introducing dent-a-brush. At 10 inches, it can clean those hard-to-reach places in the back of your throat. So just put it in your mouth. When you finish brushing...

2:26:02When you finish brushing, just squeeze the spheres at the base of the toothbrush to ejaculate it. So just touch the spheres. Wait, what? Dental brush is great for travel because it fits perfectly in your ass. So shove it up your ass.

2:26:20Brian Redban:Okay. All right, Red Pan. Very good. Dental brush. Get your plaque blown out. Beautiful. That's really stuck on there. We'll do it in post. We'll do it in post. I can't believe out of everybody on the panel, I'm the only one that didn't get to touch that thing. Touch it.

2:26:41Brian Redban:Oh, no, it landed in DeRosa's ass. I'm going to be honest. This is fucking boring. It touched my mouth for like a split second. It did? Yeah, now I'm instantly thinking about someone pausing it on YouTube and catching it where it was resting on my lip for a second. Oh, DeRosa. Just guys, please be cool about it. Timmy, what do you want to tell Dallas, Texas before we get out of here? Give them some parting words here. I need to say something. The girl that I was talking about in that minute was your ex-girlfriend. Okay. And she's actually here tonight. Okay, very good. That's crazy. Guys, get the fuck out of here.

2:27:22Get the fuck out of here. Amazing. No, no, just leave it. Just leave it. Get the fuck out of here. I'm going to bring out your ex-girlfriend. Okay. Okay, come on out. Here she comes. Yeah, look at her. Oh my goodness. Look at that hot bitch. Look at that fucking hot bitch. Look at that. Look at this sexy motherfucker. Wow. Oh yeah. Look at those tits. Oh Tom, does this make you smell it? Wow. It's been such a long time. It's so good. Dance baby. Look at her dance Tom.

2:27:57Brian Redban:Wow. Is this making you mad? Yes, I'm so jealous. I can't believe you brought out my ultra hot... Oh, my God. I'm fucking giving it to your girl. That's crazy. I love you, baby. I miss your pussy so much. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Look at this. She's happier with me, Tony. Make sure she doesn't trip over the green screen that's right behind her left foot. No, she's going to be fine. Right. She's a dancing girl. Yeah. Hey, why don't you say something, babe? I can't... What? No. No. No. nope nope she's squirting everywhere okay that was great i love you sweetheart there's a thing right behind you martin yep we'll do it in post we'll do it in post we'll do it in post all right good job amazing watch watch out for the thing help help him over that please for the love of god sex is a guy timmy no breaks you rewrite the way that kill tony is evolving every appearance that you have.

2:28:53Brian Redban:How loud can this place get for the great Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen? I think you guys got a full show tonight. Did you guys have a good time? How about in the upper deck up there? Did you guys have a good time? How about the lower area? Did you guys have a good time? How about one more time for the great Tim Butterly, ladies and gentlemen? Thank you. And one more time for the great Joe DeRosa, everybody. Red Band I'll be in San Diego July 9th through the 11th at the American Comedy Company with Pat O 'Neill and Rachel Wolfson Vegas, Los Angeles and New York City all on the way those are our only stops other than Austin, Texas keep an eye on it ladies and gentlemen we love you God bless Dallas, Texas God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America thank you we love you goodnight everybody

2:30:01Thank you.

2:30:32I'm out.

2:31:01Wide awake in her whiskey hole

2:31:22Thank you.

2:31:52Thank you.

2:32:22Thank you.

2:32:54Thank you.