#773 - FRANCISCO RAMOS + DERRICK STROUP

19:13Brian Redban:Put the mic back where you found it. Put it back. There you go with those little fucking missing nubs. There he goes, everybody. Dan Siegel. Get back there, Dan. Go that way. There you go. Very good. Keep going, Dan. Keep going, Dan. There you go. Great stuff, Dan. Holy fucking shit. Oh, you know what that noise means. The lovely Heidi. Live in the flesh. The one and the only. Keeping us well hydrated. Lord knows everyone needs a drink after the comedy stylings of Dan Siegel. Fuck. How do you end up in a freezing forest? I was looking for a job. I think he murdered somebody. Yes. There's definitely, he's like really bad at lying or something.

19:59Brian Redban:Homeless. He's homeless. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No doubt. Crazy. Should I give him a dollar? I don't know. I think we missed our chance. Hi, everybody. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, you'll track your sleep, take a cold plunge, and drink coffee made out of mushrooms. You've dialed in every part of your life except the one that really matters, the one where all the magic happens. That's right. The bedroom where boners are born. And that is where Blue Chew Gold comes in. Blue Chew Gold is better sex than a tablet. Speaking of tablet, who has one with sound effects on it? Red Band.

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20:43Brian Redban:by supporting arousal and desire in the brain. Mmm. Be present. Be ready. Be the man you pretend to be in your dating profile. we've got a special deal for our listeners right now when you buy two months of blue chew gold you get the third free with promo code tony that's promo code tony you will also receive an additional 10 off plus free overnight shipping on your first order visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information and we thank blue chew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom we got another bucket pool ladies and gentlemen make some noise for kimberly coaster everybody a minute from Kimberly Kostas.

21:28I moved here from Colorado because it was getting too expensive. I had to have roommates. I lived with these guys and it was awful. Like one of them, he was always in his room like playing Xbox. Suck my ass. And the other guy, he was like a little more outdoorsy and outgoing. He always had his boys over and it made me so uncomfortable. I mean, I'm a woman in my 50s. I should not be living with men in their 20s, but I gave birth to them. And I couldn't get them the hell out of my house. But I came up with a plan. I started dating their friends.

22:09I have two boys in their 20s. And you know what? It's amazing how you can have two kids and they can be so different from each other. Like one of them, you know, he goes to college and gets good grades, has a girlfriend. And the other one, he sits and plays Xbox and smokes pot. And I know you're not supposed to pick favorites, but he has really good weed. Thank you. I'm Kimberly Kester.

22:34Brian Redban:Kimberly Kester. Welcome, welcome. Hell yeah. How'd you get your frostbite? I'm just kidding. Welcome, Kimberly. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, a year ago. Okay. I thought so. I remember you. Welcome back. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Okay, cool. And that's all in, where's that? Well, I started in Denver and I moved out here a year and a half ago. How's Austin treating you? You know, it's, I might be a little too old for the open mics, I feel like, but I've actually been starting to produce shows in the Midwest. So, you know. Why are you choosing the Midwest to produce shows?

23:12Oh, I grew up in Iowa.

23:14Brian Redban:Oh, okay. So I'm doing a show in two weeks in Fort Dodge, my hometown. and it's this 500 seat theater and bring in some austin comics very cool have you thought about producing a show regularly here in austin there's a lot of them man i mean maybe eventually um i don't know the big places are more fun yeah okay yeah it could be a big place if you start it it could be it could become a thing you live on the outskirts of austin i do i'm kind of on your way to B-Cave. Yeah. There's probably room for a scene out there with a lot of rich people out in B-Cave. That's true. That would like to see what you consider an older lady.

23:58That's what you called it.

24:00Brian Redban:That's what you said. That's her own verbiage there. Before someone makes a fucking internet clip about Tony bullying old fucking hags. Oh, I accidentally said hags. Alright, I fucked it up. There you go. There's your clip. Just kidding. Kimberly, I like your style. So the boys in the 20s. How's that? Is that fun? No, it's... One lives in Oregon and the other's in the Army. So, you know, I hear from one of them, like, a couple times a day, and the other one I hear from a couple. Does the Army one serve overseas at all? No, he's in El Paso. Whoa. Yeah. That's roughly it. So he's... That's harder.

24:34Brian Redban:Yeah. He's guarding the border. Do you... Are you married or are you divorced? I've been divorced since my boys for five and seven. Are you really fucking as friends? Are you single? I'm sorry, what? Are you really fucking as friends? No, no. You should. There you go. Good advice from Red Band. Thank you, Red Band. Back to the soundboard he goes. Interesting that younger men are better looking. I mean, sometimes I forget I'll see a hot guy and I'm like, oh, fuck, I could have gave birth to him. You can still fuck him. Yeah. I could, but it just, I don't know. I think your odds are better than you know.

25:13Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yes, we're back. And we're back. So, like, what type of guys do you hook up with? I haven't had sex in over a year, so... In over a year? Over a year, I think... There's this Frosby guy. He's gonna finger you. That won't be very eventful. Yeah. Not the first time you've had a black finger in you, I'm sure. Come on. Come on. Come on. We're having fun here. We're just getting warmed up. All right. Wow. So, Kimberly, why aren't you out there chasing these young Austin boys? You have unbelievable cougar energies, if I may say so. Vaginal dryness. Oh, okay. That'll find them off.

26:02Brian Redban:Yeah. Let me guess. You got that looking for a job flying back and forth from New Hampshire to somewhere? That's how everyone's getting sick nowadays. Yeah. A lot of flights to New Hampshire. Have you tried spitting on it? Oh, Red Band. Why do you say things like this? Women have the courage to come to a show like this and sign up and take a chance on themselves, and you make it all disgusting. Have you tried spitting on it? I have tried that, yeah. Yeah. It didn't work. Didn't work? No, yeah. You know, a year and a half ago, last time I had sex is when I realized that. Did a doctor diagnose you?

26:36Brian Redban:Did you check it out? I don't do doctors. You don't do doctors? I don't do doctors, no. How did you have kids? Well, I haven't done doctors in a while. Yeah. I mean, I did doctors back then, but then the pandemic happened, and I didn't want to do doctors anymore. You're like, science sucks. Doctors, yeah. I mean, she's from Iowa. Yeah. That makes sense. When you gave birth, it was a warm rag in the head.

27:03I used to date this girl that had a couple of tampons in her, and she didn't even know. Have you tried to see if there's anything in there?

27:09Brian Redban:Okay, Red Band. Very good. He's a real heater. It is unbelievable. He's on fire here today. He is a dry vagina specialist. Not a lot of people know that, but when someone brings up a dry vagina, that's when Red Band grabs that mic, turns up the volume, and really lets it rip because he has a wealth of experience in being the senior dry vagina correspondent on this show. I love it. So, Kimberly, do you think there's any reason why your vagina's gone dry? If you had to diagnose yourself in this doctorless world that you live in, what? It's called vaginal atrophy. And it's like when your vagina, you know, just kind of like, it would be like if you set a chicken cutlet out on the kitchen counter.

27:52Brian Redban:Oh, is that your way of saying you want a black guy to eat your pussy?

28:00Brian Redban:That's what you need. That's what would happen. Oh, man. Chicken cutlet. Chicken cutlets.

28:11Brian Redban:Wow. A chicken cutlet out on the counter. After a week, you know. After a week. That's what your vagina turns into when you go through menopause. Well, I will be on the lookout for my vagina. Wow. That is wild. Kimberly, how do you make a living? I'm a hairstyle. I've been a hairstylist for 35 years, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of those bitches. Yeah. Why? Because their vagina's wet? Yeah, exactly. Jealous. Yeah. How's your wet pussy doing, bitch?

28:50Brian Redban:Amazing. What's something that's happened while you're styling hair? Like, has anyone ever overshared? And you're like, Jesus, what is going on here? Because I know women be yapping to their hair styles. I had one week where every single person in my chair cried. and it wasn't because of anything I did but like, yeah like everyone, like one lady her daughter came out as gay Do you take all the tears and put it in your vagina? Very good, Red Bear Very good, Red Bear I do have a little cup It's unbelievable I saw him grab the mic and as fast as he could Quick drop, he heard the word tears and just We gotta put those in a vagina Yeah Immediately.

29:35Brian Redban:No doubt about it. Wow. So wait, she cried because who was gay? Oh, her daughter came out as gay, but she was really liberal, so it was very critical. Yeah, that's what happens. That's what be happening. You want to live that life. You're going to have gay kids. Want to be... Have you talked to the Duke boys lately? Red Band. Catherine Bach. I have no idea what's happening. Thank you, Red Band, so much for doing what you do. We're here. We're in the same generation. I know what you're talking about. You guys are old as fuck. Yep. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God. So, Kimberly, I guess in closing, I have to know, what are your, like, next plans?

30:24Brian Redban:Other than running the shows in the Midwest, like, what are some other things you're looking forward to in life? You know, I do want to stop doing hair and have comedy be my, you know, income. Yeah. And, you know, I don't know. I'm just kind of winging it at the moment. I like your style. I think it takes balls to come to a place like this all the way from fucking the burbs and fucking sign up and be with all those fucking heathens next door. And you seem like a classy, cool lady that fucking is doing that and chasing your dreams. and that's how shit happens. So you're fucking doing everything correctly.

31:01Brian Redban:You're awesome. You have great sense of humor. You roll with the punches. You're a real fucking comedian. Here's a big joke book. Thanks, a black one. Yeah. Thank you. Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Look at that. Look at that. Now we're moving. It's like Dan Siegel never even happened. Remember that guy? I mean, I think I asked, It felt like I asked like 11 times. How did you get cold? All right. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Jake Palfee, everybody. Jake Palfee.

31:41I hooked up with that lady over a year ago. Sandpaper dried. No,

31:53I'm feeling good, though. I got my haircut this week. You like it? I don't like it. I look like a cardboard cutout of every white guy ever. I see a lot of us in your day. But I've only had this one haircut my entire life. This one haircut. I only had one person ever cut my hair. And that's my blue-haired, gay, liberal mom. It's just her. She's the only one. I've never been to a barber shop. I go to the salon. It's not cool. Like I want to go to the barbershop. I want to throw gang signs. I want to talk ball. Whatever happens there. I don't know I want to be the only one in there that knows that the fire alarm battery needs to be changed

32:41Like I'm gonna cheat on my mom. I'm gonna cheat on her. I'm gonna cheat on my mom with a big strong tattooed Puerto Rican man named Rick and he's just gonna have his way with my head Fuck yeah, I'm Jake Palfee. That's been my time.

32:58Brian Redban:Thank you. Jake Palfee, welcome, welcome. Have you been on before, Jake? Welcome, Jake. How old are you? I'm 27. How long have you been on stand-up? Four years this month. I love it. Very, very, especially the start, listening to what's going on behind the curtain, paying attention, fucking powerful opening, stuff all about your actual life. Where were the four years at? All here. Nice. Is this where you're from? I'm from Dallas. Oh, cool. Hell yeah. Did you start in Dallas or you really started here? I started here. Okay. Rough start. Yeah. Yeah, four years ago. Hell yeah. So take us through that process.

33:35Brian Redban:Like, how did that start for you? I mean, when you start here, you just have, you have to, like, wait endlessly at open mics that you might not get on. And then it's just hard to get time when you don't have, like, it made here. But I started producing maybe two and a half years ago. now i just got a show at the creek in the cave and a bunch of stuff so that's how i've made my yeah that's the way to do it that's what i was saying to kimberly is you got to start your own kind of stuff sometimes if you want to do shows in your own hometown that's kind of how it goes um what do you do for a living what kind of valet driver are you i was a valet driver actually bing bong hello no credit whatsoever fucking parallel park good dude hell yeah you look like all the ladies in here how to fucking do it.

34:18Okay, fuck yeah. Oh, yeah, that'll help you. Well, that really did it. You'll be covered in pussy, man. Yeah. That's the

34:26Brian Redban:PP that the ladies want. Parallel parking.

34:31Don't use

34:32Brian Redban:the camera!

34:38Look back! Look back! I already did it. Okay, that's true. I already did it. So what else have you been doing for jobs? I work for a roofing company. I just started for a new one. Wow, if I told you to guess the roofer, if I only showed you pictures. Dude, you got an employee back there. He doesn't have any fingers, but he's what you're looking for. That's good. I promise you, yeah.

35:05Brian Redban:Don't ask him any questions or you will fire him immediately. Give him some aluminum and Vienna sausages. He'll have a whole crew. How long you been roofing for? Like two years, but I just left my old company and started with a new company. I do business development, so I just go to State Farms and go, Hey, I'm Jake, not from State Farms. Oh, they must love that. Oh, you're crushing in the lobby of State Farms. It's just old fat ladies. I bring them cookies, and I hit them with that, and they're like, Oh, my God. Oh, hell yeah. It's fun. Business is booming. It's booming at State Farms. You're a tall guy.

35:41Brian Redban:How tall are you? I'm 6 '5". Six, five. So you don't even need a ladder to do roofing. No, I just jump up there. Absolutely incredible. I can dunk as well. What do you do? Oh! Ooh. I do 60 dunks. Old white Wimby over here. Look at you. Some old lady's getting her wet pussy. I tried, dude. I tried. I love it. Jake, what do you do for fun when you want to get a little wacky? Yeah, I play a lot of basketball. I have a girlfriend I spend a lot of time with and then just doing comedy a lot. Getting wacky. I like smoking and doing mushrooms. Oh, nice. I know I have... I don't look like it, but yeah, I do that.

36:23Do you ever play lacrosse? Lacrosse, no. I'm too skinny. Do you ever rape anybody? No.

36:31The drive-in. That escalated quickly.

36:34Brian Redban:Yeah. Do you really have a blue-haired mom? Do you have a liberal mom? Her hair color is constantly changing, but yes. Yeah, she's kind of a wild lady. She is a wild lady. How do you think they end up like that? My dad keeps abusing her. Not just like emotionally abusing, maybe. Oh, wow. Yeah, not physically. When you say maybe, what have you seen? They would just argue a lot, and then she just partied hard. My dad didn't. When you say mom parties hard, what exactly do you mean? I mean, like, in her 20s, she just went hard. I didn't know her, so I don't know. What have you heard that she did in her 20s?

37:14She would just, you know, do everything. She told me about, like, ecstasy and stuff at, like, she would tell me this in, like, high school. I'd be like, oh, this is crazy. My dad's going to hate this so much.

37:25Brian Redban:That's all right. You can't worry about dad on this show. I know. Yeah. Francisco. When you got grounded, did they send you to the roof? Or, like? Yeah, I spent a lot of time up there, yeah. Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters? I do. I have an older brother. That's my mom's son. And then I have a younger sister. He's two years younger than me. That's my only, like, full-blood sibling. And then I have... And then... It's... Okay, I have four siblings. Is that what you wanted? I don't know why you explained that, like, he's on the board for 23 and me. you just said i got a lot of siblings we wouldn't have gone interesting full-blooded i have two like little children siblings now that my dad had that's why i was trying to get got it that's what red band's interested in yeah um so your uh older brother is he tall as well he's like six three okay so you're the taller one yeah you have those barren barren trump energy that's right abnormally tall for being a younger brother that's right um jake what you this girlfriend of yours what does she do for a living she's a therapist which means i get therapy for free amazing even when i don't ask for it i just get it

38:43Brian Redban:incredible what do you utilize the therapy for oh she usually just tells me everything i'm doing wrong exactly what did she say you're doing wrong um we i don't i don't make very much money and she has a lot more money than me so that's something we have argued about before um i just try to keep her happy you know and like be funny because i don't have money how much money do you have I have like I actually got paid today So I had$1 ,200 Okay And before that Baller Before that you had nothing? Say it again? Before that you had nothing? I had just paid rent So I had no money, yeah Wow Incredible So she's just Paying the bills basically No, I mean I just cover everything But like she has A lot of money So she'll like When she wants to go do something I'm like, yeah, I can't But you know You can take me Wow Incredible Does she make you, like, do chores and stuff?

39:46Yeah, oh, yeah. I plant a lot of plants, mow the lawn. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. She's a homeowner, so I, like, take care of the house. Yeah. It's your girlfriend your mom? What the fuck? She's going to hate that tune. What is it like when she chokes you during sex? Is it crazy? Are you like, harder?

40:10Brian Redban:Slap me. Amazing. but she's a good therapist. She's amazing, yeah. For those of you that need therapy, just a reminder, Talkspace is out there. Use promo code SPACE80 at Talkspace.com. I love it. Yeah, we do love it. Jake, very, very funny stuff. Congratulations. Great stuff. Keep it going. Four years in the game. That's Jake Palfe. Good stuff, Jake. Starting something new is terrifying. I remember thinking, what if this fails? What if I put all this work in for nothing? But taking that leap ended up in being one of the best decisions I ever made. It also helps when you have a partner like Shopify on your side.

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41:47Brian Redban:month trial today at shopify.com slash kill tony go to shopify.com slash kill tony that shopify.com slash kill tony and on to the next one we go your bucket pool now goes by the name of daniel Daniel Velasquez. Here we go. Daniel Velasquez. Oh, we know Daniel. I was going through a breakup a few months ago, and a buddy of mine could see that I was struggling. And he was like, hey, man, what you need is a massage at one of those handjob massage parlors. He was like, listen, man, I know you can't drive. I found one down the street from your house. You could just walk there. Which, like, first off, weird way to find out I live in a bad neighborhood, you know and he was like hey man i know your birthday is coming up so i made the appointment for you so if you don't go they're not gonna let me go back there anymore so like he put me in a weird spot right because like sex work really isn't my thing but like i'm not trying to yuck his yum right like so i went man and uh that is gonna be a one-time trip because um you know i learned there's nothing more embarrassing than getting a handjob and then having to walk home afterwards dude i put my headphones on i couldn't even get myself to play any music guys i was like no you're gonna enjoy this walk of shame in silence thank you guys that's my time daniel velasquez has done it again always funny we love daniel here on this show.

43:29Brian Redban:Thank you. I love you. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Welcome back, my friend. Thank you. Is that a true story? That is a true story. Incredible. I believe it. I need better friends. Yeah. Or maybe he's my best friend. Who knows? Incredible. Yeah. Francisco. Is he a regular here? Or like, because what do you have? Sorry. We've been through this a few times. He's definitely qualified to be one of the golden ticket winners here. He definitely walks like one. He walks the walk and he talks the talk. Yeah, I have cerebral palsy. Okay, cool. Yeah. But you already... No, I... I'm going to hop in here.

44:12Yeah, I'm going to try to clean it on up. I thought it was great. The first person that ever took me on the road was Josh Blue. Fuck yeah, dude. Love Josh. Your timing was killer. So great work, man. Thank you. Thank you so much.

44:26Brian Redban:Absolutely. Completely agree. You're great. You're great. Thank you so much. So, Daniel, what's been going on in life since your last time on this show? Nothing, man. I lost my job. Real quick, anybody hiring, dude? What did you do before? I worked at Chick-fil-A, dude. You lost your job at Chick-fil-A. What exactly do you have to do to lose your Chick-fil-A job as a... You got to be fast.

44:54no yeah no i uh i was living here for a little bit and then i ended up moving to

45:00Brian Redban:to san antonio so i had to i had to lose that job but yeah yeah unfortunately got it so what experiences what other jobs have you had so that we can find you a job this is a little segment we call find a handicapped guy a job uh you know i was a tv news producer for a little bit and then, but it's hard to do TV and then do comedy and I really want to do comedy. So I just went all in on that and I'll take any job, man. I'm just trying to be a comic and trying to work and make this my career eventually. So yeah, I was a TV news producer and then Chick-fil-A. So those are two vastly different jobs.

45:39Brian Redban:That goes to show you where the news industry is nowadays, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, breaking news. The only job better than working for the modern news facilities is Chick-fil-A, everybody. All right, so let's go out there. This guy in the hat looks like he has CEO energies. You with the glasses, sir. Do you have perhaps a job opening for this guy? I'll move here tomorrow, dude. I'll move here tomorrow. Trying to get you a job, sir. Maybe shut the fuck up for a second. No, you don't own a company? Anybody own a company here? How about you, sir? What company do you own? Furniture moving. Oh, perfect.

46:14Brian Redban:Oh, well, congratulations. If you think you're limping now, wait until tomorrow night. Yeah. This was a bad idea. I'll move drugs for people, man. They never check me at TSA, dude. I could move fucking... Hell yeah. I'll move weight, dude. That's a good one. I'll move weight. You could be a mule, yeah. Yeah. Have you tried Chick-fil-A? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know you have. So, Daniel, you're basically willing to do anything. This is a question that we only ask here on Kill Tony, a question you never get on The Tonight Show. You never get on morning radio out on the road. Only here do I ask this question.

46:54Brian Redban:How much money do you have? Negative$58. Wow. Okay. So we need a job ASAP. Yeah. Incredible. Wow. So I'm trying to figure out what could we possibly do with a guy like this? What do you think? Negative$58, I think, has got the whole room kind of in a tough spot. I think all of us are going, we were having a good negative$58. That's bad. We were hoping 11 would have been nice. Negative 58. I don't even know. I don't know what to tell you, man. Yeah, yeah. I, uh... Yeah. So, okay. So let's do the math on this, because I like it. I like the uncomfortable reality of all this. It's a negative 58, but you already paid your rent this month.

47:41Brian Redban:What's your living situation? You have roommates? Yeah, so my mom passed away a few years ago. Oh, God. This is just going the wrong direction here. I got to tell you. So I just live with my father right now. Yeah, I live with him. You're what? My father. Okay, where's that at? San Antonio. But I lived here with some roommates before. Okay, so that's good. So you have no rent right now. Is your dad charging you rent? No, he's a good man, yeah. He is a good man. Yeah, absolutely. He's also the one that drank while he made you. Yeah, yeah, he owes me big time. Yeah, exactly. Big time. Yeah, he puts himself in the face.

48:17Brian Redban:So no doubt he should be paying your rent. That is the least he could do. Yeah. And so you're in San Antonio. That's where you are right now. How often do you make it to Austin to perform? Every week, man. Every week I just try and come up here. Yeah, absolutely. And you're doing open mics and stuff up there in San Antonio the rest of the week? Yes, sir. I got open mics and I work at the Riot Riverwalk Comedy Club down there. Oh, that's great. It's a good club. So you're getting spots there. Are you getting open for people and guest spots here and there? Yes, sir. Why don't you work at the comic club?

48:51I mean, they already have staff, and I want to be like a working comedian there. But, yeah, they already have their staff. You got negative 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got their staff already picked out. But, yeah, I do work there for a little bit. I do, like, door guy stuff. So I do get some money there, so it's not bad.

49:06Brian Redban:Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. But you do drive? I don't drive, no. That was the point of the joke, yeah. Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So we're at negative 58. Does not drive. Would like to do comedy in Austin. Lives in San Antonio. How are the numbers looking? Not good. I'm doing the math over here. It is real bad. It just has the word bad written down. Yes, John Dees. We just took up a collection first. Oh, the band raised money. Oh, come on. It's incredible. Oh, my God. This is absolutely amazing. Thank you guys so much for this money. I deserve it. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. I love that the band finally paying it forward to the man that made it all possible for them.

49:56I got a Waffle House gift card. Oh, yeah. Put it in there. Yeah. You can go be with other people.

50:03Brian Redban:Throw a couple$2 bills in there. That's good luck. You need good luck is what you need. For sure. Oh, Francisco throwing it. Francisco and Derek throwing in a 20. Red Band, famously cheap Red Band, pulling out four$10 bills. Wow. Six$10 bills. Band 9. This is incredible. All right. We're charitable down at the VFW here. We're going to help you, Lieutenant. We're going to help you. New Year's Eve, prostitutes, the whole thing. Anybody else? Anybody else have any cash out there? Any heroes? Here's a$100 bill from me. Here we go. This is the first time ever. Troy Conrad has the greatest photographer in the comedy industries out there collecting.

50:52Brian Redban:Chief, you're rich. Put some cash in the fucking mix, you fucking homo. Oh, three$1 bills from this cheap whore. Jesus Christ. She pulled those out of her panties from last night. Thanks a lot, lady. Okay, there's a 10 from that Jew over there. This is good. There's a 20. Troy, come on. Keep it moving, Troy. Let's go. 45, 45. Oh, oh, oh. A 20 and a 5. Very good. This is all adding up very quickly. This is the first time in Kill Tony history. This is big. In which we've done a fundraiser. You guys are really sweet for this. Sarah, come on here and count this money. We're going to get a grand total here.

51:31Brian Redban:That's what I'm talking about. Great work. Thank you so much. That was just... This is crazy. This is the... Unbelievable. Look. People are going to expect this to happen from now on. Here, give it to Sarah. Give it all to Sarah. Give it all to Sarah. We're going to get an official count. Try to count fast, Sarah. How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, Troy Conrad, Cole? What a team we have here. You're about to get a bunch of cash, pal. Look at that. Someone's going to be getting a lot of hand jobs this week. This guy's going to be getting milked like a cow Out in the burbs of San Antonio So let me ask you Was it an Asian massage parlor?

52:16Brian Redban:Yeah, it was your classic Asian massage parlor Red band loves it Now, this is amazing And did you get any of the actual massage? Because you seem like you could use some of that Yeah, it was your typical shitty massage I don't really remember that part that much. Yeah. Real massage people. This is just like, I'm not trying to be funny, but does your penis have cerebral palsy too? Or like... That's the only part that doesn't, so... Oh, really? Yeah, it kind of works out. Hell yeah. The ladies go wild for that one. Works out. I was gonna ask, was your Asian massage therapist, was he missing a tooth?

52:57Yeah.

53:00Brian Redban:So, are we doing this or what?

53:05Brian Redban:Wow. Okay, Daniel. This is incredible. So your next move with this money, what are you going to do with it? What are you planning on doing with the fat stack of cash that Kilt-Ami just raised for you? Saving it, maybe put it in the stock market, try to build up some money, you know? Let's keep it out of the stock market, babe. Put it all into Chick-fil-A went public.

53:31Brian Redban:Okay, Sarah, do we have a count? There's a lot. Do we have a ballpark as of now?

53:42It's definitely over$700.

53:44Brian Redban:Over$700. Dreams are coming true.

53:56Damn, I have enough for full service now. That's nice, dude. That's fucking...

54:06Brian Redban:$745 and a Waffle House gift card. That is a real Waffle House gift card from the great Derek Stroop. dreams are coming true here on kill tony daniel uh shout out your like uh social media so that people can follow you i think i think you're a little star so i'm uh on instagram at vintage dot daniel and uh at uh on twitter i actually don't know what my twitter perfect a twitter at ComedyJPEG. Perfect. You're crushing it, buddy. Always hilarious. We love you. You're the first person to ever get money on this show, so you deserve it. Congratulations. Thank you, guys. Just a heads up for all bucket tools in the future, I'm never doing that again.

54:59Brian Redban:Never expect that. It's never happening. I swear to God. Thanks to the audience, guys. You guys are the shit. Congratulations. I love you guys. Thank you so much. There he goes, Daniel Velasquez, ladies and gentlemen. The American dream. Hobbling off to his next massage parlor. There he goes. Look at that strut. Hell yeah.

55:27Brian Redban:John Dees just said that one of his buddies is going to rob him in the alleyway right now.

55:36Brian Redban:Oh, my God. All right, we have a golden ticket winner here with a brand new minute, ladies and gentlemen. We love her around here. She is a workhorse. She's one of our favorite people. Make some noise for the great Aya, everybody, here with a brand new minute.

55:57Oops. One of my closest friends is schizophrenic now. When I met her, she wasn't, but she was always a little bit off. Like, when we were in high school, she could just look at a QR code and tell you where the link went. And...

56:22And during lunch, you could pay her to say the N-word.

56:29$5 to say it,$10 to use it in a sentence. But she did too many mushrooms, and then she became schizophrenic. And sometimes I worry because I love mushrooms, but I know I'm not addicted to mushrooms because I share. I share. And it makes me think that maybe black people are addicted to the N-word.

57:02Because they won't share.

57:07Like, can I get a hit?

57:15Brian Redban:The great Aya. You're right. They don't share that. Yeah. And sharing is caring. And much like mushrooms and that, I only do both at home when I'm by myself. Amen, brother. One more time for Aya. Another great minute. absolutely original, adorable delivery. It's always fun having your style up here. Aya, how's life been going? Life's good. Yeah, that was a true story, though. I have one of my close friends. She's schizophrenic. Shout out to her for that joke. And that really happened after a mushroom trip? Yeah, she was just doing too much stuff, And then, like, one day she came over to my house and she was like, I've been talking to Hitler.

58:10Brian Redban:Oh, shit. And, yeah, like... So what did he say? Yeah, that's a good question. No, he told her to, you know, the shit about the Jews and... No, but all schizophrenic people talk to Hitler. That is something that people don't give him enough credit for. being a good listener.

58:39Brian Redban:Hilarious. They really do. Yeah, it was tough to hang out with her all day. Yeah. So I can only imagine what he's going through. Now, was she on, like, do you know if she was on, like, medication or anything for something else before this psychotic break? Or was she, like, mentally healthy before? Was it a shock? No, you could pay her to say the N-word when she was young. So definitely always something. How much money? I only invested like$15. Okay, perfect. It's been proven, though. Daniel, I'm going to need some of that money back. It's been proven, though, psychedelics speed up schizophrenia.

59:22Yeah, yeah, it does.

59:24Brian Redban:In some people, yes, absolutely. That is true. No doubt about it. So Aya, what else is going on in life? I'm trying to break into the fashion industry. Okay. I have an idea that I'd like to pitch to Christian Louboutin on your platform. Let's do it. We know for a fact Christian watches every episode of this show. He's a big fan of Hans Kim and many others. Go right ahead, Christian. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, whoa. Okay. So I have an idea. And maybe the girlies will understand. The ladies will like this. So you know the Pilates grippy socks? Make the grippies red, red bottom grippy socks. Whoa. It's a good idea.

1:00:14Brian Redban:Wow. It's actually a genuinely good idea. Red Van wears grippy socks after he visits the hospital after a mini heart attack. What do you think about that, right? I don't get it. Like, what's the red? Well, I actually know about this because I listen to an incredible amount of the hip-hop industry that there are fancy shoes called red bottoms, and they're made by? Christian Louboutin. That is correct. And so, therefore, there is a market share in which he could be making... Socks with red bottoms. Yeah, and they would get worn in, and people would have to buy more of them using some of that Apple EarPod energy.

1:00:57Brian Redban:instead of just a pair of shoes that'll last a long time. I think this is a good idea, Aya. No, it is a good idea. Okay, thank you. Thank you so much. I came up with that. Yeah, that's great. We'll have to see what happens next. Yeah. Derek, what do you think about all this? I thought the bit was great. That was definitely something with my accent I could not do on stage. But it's very funny. It's fun when somebody like you gets up here where you're small and unassuming, and then you have these big hitting jokes that are smart. It's fun to watch that. Thank you. That's our blind bass player, everybody.

1:01:34Brian Redban:Just coming back in from a little bathroom break. If you're wondering what that noise was, that is a blind bass player, everyone. Very rarely can you tell that he's blind, but I don't even think it was him that hit it. I actually think it was a producer there. Aya, you are awesome. That is another brand new great minute from you. You're fantastic. Everybody loves you. You're on the rise. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. The great and powerful Aya, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. We're going to keep it moving. We have another lady. We got three guys and three ladies so far here tonight.

1:02:10Brian Redban:Make some noise for Holly, everybody. Here comes Holly.

1:02:20What's up, guys? So I am a Jew. You're welcome, or I'm sorry, depending on who you are at this point. As a Jew, I do want to say I do believe in free Palestine, but only because I love when things are free.

1:02:40I just got married recently. Thank you. Yeah, it's really sweet. When I met him, he was homeless. Yeah, it was really sweet. One minute he was living in a box, and the next minute he was munching mine. he uh he had a sign that said need money for food and i let him eat my ass so uh he actually makes me so wet we started calling my pussy the soup kitchen what's wrong you guys don't like soup uh no i uh i the only downside to being married is i i can't do my favorite threat anymore when i was single i loved to threaten to fuck people's dads because when you threaten to fuck someone's mom, they take it as a joke, but when you threaten to fuck someone's dad, they're like, please don't.

1:03:30He'll really do it. Thank you, guys. That's my time.

1:03:35Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Welcome, Holly. Is this your first time on the show? This is my second time. Okay. A little different. You a little gothier than last time? I was pretty gothy last time. I was the toad girl with taxidermy and whatnot. Oh, okay. All right. Well, welcome back. Thank you. Heck yeah. I remember you. What happened? Why are you on crutches? I burnt dinner and I was talking back to the husband. I'm just kidding. No, I was delivering DoorDash and I just took a bad fall down the stairs and I fractured two of my bones in my foot. Damn. Damn. Does DoorDash help you when that happens on the clock?

1:04:12Brian Redban:No. Not at all. Do you remember what the delivery was? It was Taco Bell. Damn. See, isn't that just depressing?

1:04:24Go ahead, Derek. We've had quite a few people come out with some stuff going on. Welcome to Kill Tony, Derek. I mean, it's pretty wild. I can't wait for a guy with a peg leg to show up. They got one back there. I believe it.

1:04:37Brian Redban:Be careful what you wish for. There was a time where Shane famously, as Trump said, let me bring out another fucked up person, Tony. And I go, it may happen right now. And a guy with little hands came out like that. Like, hey, everybody. It's one of the things I've watched. I've watched the clip like 500 times. Sometimes I watch it to pick up my mood a little bit. It's the greatest thing ever. It's just a moment in time. Comedians are like that, by the way. It's not like a Kill Tony thing. We forget, but at the open mics and shit, everybody's hobbling and wobbling, fucking missing an eye, this, that, everything.

1:05:11Yeah, she clearly accidentally hit a headstone. Yeah, exactly. She's just playing in the cemetery. Yeah, it is.

1:05:18Brian Redban:You are a goth Jew, the very rare gothic Jew. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you, Holly? When the blood and everything inside of you just... I mean, I do really like free stuff. You do? And I love money. I used to be a stripper. Last time I came here, I got a job at the strip club. That's right. And you were funnier than your boyfriend, right? Is that right? Or we said that? The internet is currently arguing about that, actually. Oh, okay. controversial finish yeah the internet be doing that um but so how was the job you got it at the yellow rose or yeah uh i i mean i liked it at first i realized stripping isn't really for me to be completely honest right people don't like tipping the no the strippers on crutches so much i wasn't on crutches yet no i just decided it wasn't really for me got it yeah that makes sense Hey, some people grow out of it.

1:06:17Brian Redban:That makes sense. Gothic Jew strippers are a rare bird. I will tell you that. Actually, since I was last on the show, a bunch of people wanted to send me taxidermy in exchange for like OnlyFans pictures and stuff. So give us an example of what you've traded for your OnlyFans. I didn't. I didn't. But somebody wanted to send me a taxidermied iguana for feet pics. red band red band I remember when you bought that iguana you were so excited about it daddy needs feet pics of a Jew so are you an only fan Jewish feet pics no doubt about it are you an only fans right now no no no I'm not people really wanted me to though so how are you making money now well it was DoorDash for a little bit I'm probably going to go into school for behavioral therapy, though.

1:07:17Oh, wow. You're really switching it up. Yeah, you are. I thought you were going to say regional manager for Hot Topic. I wish.

1:07:28Brian Redban:Wow. Well, Holly, fun times. You did it again. What size joke book did you get last time? A big one? Yeah. Alright. There you go. Well, then you did it. You got it. Here's another one. Here's another big black one. It matches your everything. Oh, so close. Thank you, anyway. Very close. It landed in my tits. Thank you so much. Yep. I always throw towards the tits. Thanks, guys. I always throw towards the tits. That's what I always say. Throw towards the tits. It's a fun job throwing joke books at people's tits all day. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Aiden McCluskey, everybody.

1:08:14Brian Redban:Aiden McCluskey. Oh, yeah, here we go. Hey, how's it going? Nice. All right, cool. I'm doing good, I guess. I don't know. It's Men's Mental Health Month, I guess. I really wasn't aware there was a problem with men's mental health until I saw a TikTok that was like, Hey, tell your boys that you love them. If you don't think there's a problem with men's mental health, text your boy at a late hour that you love him, dude. I texted my buddy. It was like 1230 at night. I'm like, hey, man, love you. He calls me immediately. Are you killing yourself? What's going on? I had a buddy once call me, tell me he was killing himself.

1:09:03Yeah, that sucked. I was like, why'd you call me? Why was I your first-round draft pick on that one, man? And he's going on and on and on, and he just finally hits me with, give me one good reason I shouldn't kill myself. And I was like, you didn't give me a whole lot of time to study for this test, man. I don't know, don't. And then I was like, wait a minute, I thought you were doing better than me, to be honest. And I started thinking, I'm like, wait a minute, should I fucking kill myself? What the hell? So I'm like, well, I'll kill myself. Absolutely hilarious

1:09:40Brian Redban:Aiden McCluskey Very, very funny, man. Welcome How long you been doing stand-up? Like seven years Fuck yeah, definitely seems like it Absolutely rock solid the entire way through You seemed human, present And absolutely fucking hilarious That was fantastic Are you nervous? Oh yeah, well I'm nervous But I also just like shake That's your fan? Yeah, I have. Well, it's not like my thing. I just like fucking shake. Like, I don't walk in and they're like, that's the fucking shaky guy. That's what I thought. No, no, no. That's like, I just do that. Is it like drugs? I used to do a lot, yeah. Yeah, this is called withdrawal.

1:10:24Now I just fucking shake. Oh, you just shake. Okay. Yeah. All right. What's going on, Aiden? How you doing, dog? Good, man. Good to see you. I didn't expect to see you. Oh, nice. Like four years ago in Minnesota, and there was only about nine people at each show. We were at the Mall of America. Speaking of killing ourselves. Yeah, I had a lot of those thoughts that weekend. But I want to tell you, Aiden, I've seen your stuff online. You opened for me. You're a hell of a joke writer. Hell yeah. Seven years in, this guy's a dynamite joke writer. Oh, thanks. Great work.

1:10:56Brian Redban:I love that. You live here now, Aiden? What's that? You live in Austin now? No, I live in Minneapolis. Why do you live in Minneapolis? Just out of curiosity. I have a fiance. Yeah. And she's there. Good job. Yeah, good job. And her family's there. Yeah, that's basically what makes people live in Minneapolis. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Is that where you're from? No, I grew up in a small town, Galesville, Wisconsin. Okay. Yeah, shout out Galesville. The big G. Hell yeah. As people refer to it. You are hilarious. What do you do for a living? Comedy. Yeah, I do stand-up, but then I also take care of an old guy.

1:11:36I used to be like a PCA, and then I was going to quit, and they were like, please don't quit. So I was like, all right, well, I'll work with just you. So I work with him like six hours a week. So you babysit an old man? Well, I wouldn't say I babysit him. I mean, we hang out. I shouldn't say this, but we smoke a lot of pot together. He's pretty cool. Oh, nice. I'm probably going to get fucking fired for saying that, to be honest. But I really hope my boss doesn't watch this. But yes, I do. I hang out with an old guy. We go to movies. We go to the grocery store. And then we smoke blunts in his apartment with the windows down.

1:12:11That's the shit.

1:12:12Brian Redban:Yeah. That's amazing. That's one of the best. Fun fact. That's one of the best jobs in Minneapolis, Minnesota right now. Yeah. And that's the hospice we all need. Yeah. Someone to take care of you. Exactly. Little blue dream on your way out. That's what we can only hope for when we're an old man to hang out with a young guy that's shakier than us. The shaky guy, yeah. What's the good job that the fiance has? She's a software engineer. Nice. Absolutely. Woman in STEM, yeah. You see a lot of crazy stuff out there on the streets in Minneapolis that always, according to the news, there's always some absolutely nuts shit happening in Minneapolis.

1:12:51They make it seem that way, but it's usually cordoned off to a few blocks, and then I feel like the news sensationalizes it, and people get this misconception. But there's a lot of nice people in Minnesota. I feel like you guys, if you want to visit, you should come and visit. Fucking throw a brick through a window, light a target on fire. I mean, it's fun. I don't know.

1:13:14Brian Redban:Yeah, I don't know. You are so funny. How long are you in town for? How long are you in Austin? I am in town until Saturday morning. I thought about leaving early. to be. I was actually like texting my fiance being like, I don't know why I come down here every time I come. Last time I came, I got rear-ended in my fucking rental car. This morning I got rear-ended again in my rental car. Might be the shaking driving. That wasn't me. No, it wasn't the shaking at all. No, the shaking didn't do that at all. It was just like person texting on their phone. Then I got out shaking. Yeah. It's a lot of real.

1:13:56It's like, why are you shaking? Oh, it's a fucking shaky guy. No shit.

1:14:00Brian Redban:That is a lot of rearing. What about you? Aiden, what brought you to Austin this week, just out of curiosity? Just try and come down and get into the club. I love it. Do this show. Honestly, I've signed up for this like a bunch of times and have like left not getting on and was like texting my fiance, I am going to leave. I don't know why I'm here. I hope I don't get rear-ended. Well, I'll tell you what. Have you been in the other room yet? Has the booker gotten to see you? The booker has gotten to see me, and that set did not go very well about two hours ago. Oh, shit. The same joke I actually closed on I did over there, and they did not fuck with me.

1:14:44Brian Redban:Interesting. What the fuck? I was just going to send you up there, but I can't have him see you twice in the same night. You should. Please. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, though. There you go. That's a big it. That's a real paying gig in Austin, Texas. That's a big joke book. You're as funny as it could be, Aiden. There goes Aiden McCluskey, everybody. Thank you, guys. Hell yeah. That's what it's all about. I love it when actual, you know, up-and-coming fucking seven-year vets sign up for the show. I think it's the smartest thing they could possibly do. You come out, you have the best stand-up comedy fans in the world, people that are addicted to it and watch every single week see you.

1:15:26Brian Redban:You get your name out there. He's certainly going to sell more tickets in his hometown and anywhere he goes from now on. So congrats to Aiden McCluskey. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Paulina Perez, everybody. Paulina Perez.

1:15:45I'm a bi-Mexican girl, but I like to make bad decisions. So I usually go for men. and my standards for a man are pretty low. Like, you need to be nice. You don't have good morals. But you have to be circumcised. You have to be circumcised because when I go down there, I don't want to be, you know, stroking it and seeing the head pop out of the little hood like...

1:16:14That's what it looks like, fellas. Promise you. When I was in college, I was really broke, so I decided to do what any brave woman would do for our great nation. And I decided to try out for a strip club. So I walked into the strip club, and, you know, you have to dance for them. You go...

1:16:37That was their exact reaction. So they hired me as the pole.

1:16:44Brian Redban:Yeah, that's that one minute. Exactly a minute from Paulina Perez. Welcome, Paulina. How long have you been on stand-up? I started two months ago. Nice. What made you want to start two months ago? When I had a real job that I would just say really out-of-pocket shit. Yeah. What was the real job? I used to work at an AI company, at a startup AI company. Okay. And you'd have to show up at the office for that? Yeah, I did. Yeah. Yep. Be a goofy guy. Yep. At the office, yeah. So Paulina, is that true? You're a bi-Mexican? I am a bi-Mexican. So what do you think your ratio is? Is it pure 50-50? Do you lean towards one or the other?

1:17:28Oh, I usually, I mean, I told you, I make bad decisions. I usually go for men. So Mexican men, which is even worse. So you're just a normal Mexican. I'm just a normal Mexican. No mames, we. No mames. We all like a little bit of women, you know? There's always some... Why do we say bi-Mexican like you're a unicorn? Yeah. Like, you're like, I'm a bi-Mexican. Are Mexicans not normally bi? No. No, they're usually closeted women. Oh. Yeah. Well, I learned that live. Yeah.

1:18:02Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah. You can normally tell, I feel like, when you see a lesbian-ish Mexican lady because they have the hair and the face. It's like a round face. They basically kind of look like Francisco. Right? Yeah, I'm looking at it. Haircut. There's no very lady-like Mexican lesbians. It's always... Do we look alike? Is that what you're saying? Is that racist to say? I can be bi for you if you want to. I don't know. So, Paulina, what is your favorite thing about hooking up with a lady? Ooh, definitely the boobs. Men don't have that. Wrong. I got a pair of tits. That's it. I'm going to turn the day around.

1:18:51Yeah, yeah. Hey, catch me on a jog. I'll get you going. And I've got some pointy nipples. It's crazy. I got big areolas. I can take up the whole boob.

1:19:03Brian Redban:All right, all right, Red Band. Very good. Fucking disgusting. So is it also only pretty much Mexican women that you like hooking up with? Yeah, basically. So being a Mexican, when you're being lesbian-ish as a Mexican, do you have trouble flicking the bean or do you want to just eat it? Because your people love beans so much. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. It was kind of a reach, a rare Mexican lesbian joke. But these are the shots I take. You ever see Steph Curry before the game? He's on the other side of the court shooting balls. It's not really supposed to be on the actual...

1:19:44Right, right, got it. I like eating bean. What? I like eating bean. Perfect.

1:19:50Brian Redban:Yeah, there you go. You said it. You can have that one. So Paulina, very, very interesting. What do you do for fun? Well, I'm a writer. I write. What part of San Antonio do you live in? I'm not from San Antonio. I'm from California I'm from Southern California Okay What part of Southern California? I'm from Riverside, California Okay Yes The San Antonio of California We know it very well Sure We know it Sure Very well Yeah, I'm actually from like a rural area So like the most interesting thing about me is that like on paper I'm like a redneck Republican Oh, interesting Like I like shoot ducks out of the sky for fun Okay I'm a duck hunter Okay.

1:20:36Francisco? Does your family know you're a bi? Because in Mexican culture, you know, they don't like that. Yeah, yeah, they know. They know? What do they say? Hey, puta! Yeah. Does your dad, Paul, know about this? My dad, Paul? Yeah. My dad's dead. Oh, no. That doesn't hurt my feelings. Actually, he told me I could be whoever I wanted to. So, you know, before he died, he gave his blessing to be an LGBTQ community. Yeah.

1:21:03Brian Redban:Wow. Incredible. How did he die? Cancer. When she told him. Very good. Yeah. He died from finding out his daughter was bi. I do want to say this. Two months in, getting up in front of this audience, that's extremely brave. That is really good. Absolutely. Not for nothing. Thanks. Very confident. Thank you. I appreciate it. I completely agree. Paulina, any other crazy fun facts about you that you think make you different than other people? Well, if that wasn't, I mean. There's a lot. There's a lot. I mean, I hunt ducks. I worked for AI. I'm a writer. I got this cool hair. What do you write? I write about AI, AI policy.

1:21:47I write about philosophy, about culture stuff. I actually just wrote about Dave Chappelle, too. I don't know. I just write about everything.

1:21:53Brian Redban:Interesting. Yeah. Mexican AI, or as I call it, AIII. Oh, shit. There you go. There's another one. You like that one? Better than the bean one. Better than the bean. You actually took my joke. I have a joke that the next... To get back at Trump, we got to elect a Mexican as the next U.S. president. And instead of the IRS, it'd be the I-I-I-I-RS. Okay, there you go. Yes, I-I-I is a thing Mexican people be saying. And instead of Medicare, we'd have the sana-sana colita de rana care. I'm going to check in with Francisco Ramos on this one. Yes, I agree with that. Perfect. checks out. That's a good one.

1:22:36Brian Redban:Very funny, Paulina. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. Two months in, you're on a great path. You're doing everything right. Thanks so much. I appreciate it. Paulina Perez, ladies and gentlemen. And we keep moving on. Your next bucket pool. You guys having fun out there? Huh? Just a reminder, Derek Stroop, nostalgic on Netflix. Francisco Ramos, still learning. It's available everywhere. We're Amazon, Apple, YouTube, TV everywhere. We're at MSG August 7th and 8th for you East Coasters. And as you now know, we are doing Las Vegas November 13th and 14th. So get out of the winter cold wherever you are and come hang out in Vegas for a fun weekend.

1:23:19Brian Redban:Couple Kill Tonys back to back on a Friday, Saturday. All right. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Mark Cunningham, everybody.

1:23:31Oh,

1:23:36what's up? What's up? How are you guys, ladies and gentlemen, doing tonight? A little nervous here. I'm in front of the legends here. Dean fucking Martin over here with the cigarette. Shit, a fucking... You're so sexy, man. No, I'm going to make a reveal. I'm going to make a reveal about Tony. We go way back. First time we ever had intercourse was in February. You remember that? This man's a sexy meme, bro. Like, that was fun. I want to explain it. But after we had our intercourse back in February, Tony Tony ain't gay man he's straight fucking off man like you should have seen it it's like Heidi stuff over here man like bro if comedy is this let's go bro let's go Deanie

1:24:47Brian Redban:I've never been more scared in my life welcome to the show Mark have you ever done stand-up before or did you just prepare that I once fucked you fake monologue to... You remember. Maybe I blocked it out. Maybe getting butt fucked by the fucking bad guy from Home Alone 1 who ended up being the good guy. So technically he wasn't the bad guy. Old man Shovel Slayer ended up being a hero in the end. And here he is live in the flesh. Hey, I ain't no Unabomber. I'm a lover. Okay. Okay, we get it. Are we going to be able to get anything real out of a possible interview with you? Or is this just... Let's go.

1:25:30Brian Redban:So have you ever tried stand-up before? Yeah. Okay, for how long? How long have you been trying? I've played a lot of poker. I've talked a lot of shit at a poker table. Okay, so you've never done stand-up, Mark? And you're playing... Yeah, I've done this shit. Okay, so let's try it again. Here we go. I've done stand-up like three years. Three years. Okay, where at? uh well i've been kicked out of a lot of places i can see why mark but i'm starting to figure it out i feel because you brought me up here okay can you give us at least a state that you did stand up in it's uh well i'm from a city called slutsville so it's a very beautiful city it's where there's a lot of community and love and it's uh have you ever heard of oklahoma no so oklahoma oh oklahoma yes yes we've heard of oklahoma oklahoma means red people that's what oklahoma means and i'm a red person uh-huh partly not much but partly real elizabeth warren energies over here that's about right yeah so no but seriously like if you guys have heard of oklahoma city they're world champions and blah blah blah now you lost this year but But if you've ever heard of Tulsa, and if you're dyslexic like Tony is.

1:26:48Brian Redban:Yes, I'm a gay dyslexic man. If you spell Tulsa backwards, it's a slut. That's why they call it, Slutsville. Amazing. Tulsa, Oklahoma. We're lovers there. Yeah. You didn't believe that, did you? So let me ask you a serious question, Mark. Did you drive here or fly here from Oklahoma for this? Hey, I don't want to hurt nobody. I didn't drive. Well, if he gets enough copper, he'll drive. I live here now. Yeah. It just depends on if he can get enough copper. Because trust me, where I'm from, I know what they look. That guy's here for copper, Tony. He's acting like he slept with you. He wants the copper off of the air conditioner.

1:27:27No doubt.

1:27:28Brian Redban:Cadillac's converter. Good God. I wish I could tell the story about our first intercourse moment, Tony. But damn, impressive. Go ahead. Describe it more. I want to hear this fantasy that you've had. So this is the fantasy I had. So we're at Misty's over here next door. Yes, Misty's. We all love hanging out at Misty's. Misty's. Yeah. And so it's got a lot of legend to it. It's like, the reason why they call it Misty's is. Three years old. Yep, go ahead. The reason why they call it that is pretty cool because Misty was like this mafioso comic woman in L.A. and she gave Joe his chance, and that's why they call it Missy's.

1:28:12Brian Redban:Okay, Mark, I'm going to cut you off. Is that true? No. I mean, she was the creator of the comedy store. She created the layout of the Modern Showcase Comedy Club. She gave Joe an opportunity? She gave everybody an opportunity from Robin Williams. What about fucking me? I wasn't there. Right. At least you are. Okay, Mark, I'm going to help you out of here, Mark. Please, please. Here you go. I'm going to give you that. Take that. There he goes. Mark, you got to hit it, buddy. We love you. There he goes. Mark Cunningham. Okay, there he is. A real hero. Thank you. Thank you, Mark. Thank you. Next time, do a set, buddy.

1:28:52Brian Redban:Try to do jokes. There he goes. Mark Cunningham. Wow. There's some real interesting people mixed in here. Again, I'm trying to find out if these people drive or fly. Did they come just for this? Is it like, I'm in the mood for Terry Blacks, maybe I'll sign up for Kill Tony? It's like, I can't fathom that people would fly here without preparing. It boggles my mind. But this is the modern state of the world. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. Jimmy Fontaine, everybody. Jimmy Fontaine. Hell yeah. What's up? How y 'all feeling, Austin? That's what I'm talking about, man. I'm going to get ready to it, man.

1:29:35Shout out to everybody like to hold on to their high school weight. I got a homeboy, right? He called me the other day, and he don't think he got big. He called me. He was like, hey, yo, man, Jimmy, man, I'm done doing all this, man. I want to rob niggas, man. I want to be a gangster. I said, I don't think you can be a gangster, man. He said, why? Because we 33? I said, nah, niggas, you got hips. You can't be a gangster with hips, nigga. At least you can be my friend and you thick. You know what I'm saying? Like, I can't rob a bank with you, and we can run into weight, and I start hearing clapping.

1:30:02Because I'm going to clap right with you, bro. I'm going to clap. whoa, whoa, whoa. Those was not hands. Like, what the hell is going on, bro? Like, could you imagine, though, like, we robbing somebody, right? But they blind, right? And they ask us, have you seen the perp? He was like, nah, man, but I heard him. He was a size 12. He had titties and ass. And it's crazy now because, like, you got to think about it, bro, because, like, it ain't a regular lineup no more, bro. When they put us in this type of lineup, bro, you're going to have to do physical activities now. You know what I'm saying?

1:30:28The police put us all in a lineup, but, hey, bro, everybody started twerking and jumping up and down. You know how crazy that had to be, man? That's my time, man. My name is Jimmy Fontaine, man. Thank y 'all so much for y 'all.

1:30:37Brian Redban:I love it. Jimmy Fontaine with a minute and energy. Coming off of Alaska is a breath of fucking fresh air. Fantastic. You came here. You prepared. You planned. You performed. Amazing what you can do when given a magical opportunity like this. Derek. How long have you been doing comedy? Well, I started in 2017, but when I moved to Atlanta, so I started in Orlando. And I moved to Atlanta, and because of film and everything, I took a whole year off. So I'll say eight years. Okay. Like four years started, one year off, then four years ago. So you're an actor? Yes, sir. I do stunts, and I'm an actor.

1:31:09Or a small-time actor. Stunts? Yes, sir. Which one? So I do a lot of Tyler Perry shows, man. So like... Oh, hell yeah. Stunts and wigs. There you go. Yeah. So like I've done like Beauty and Black. Those, you know, all his dramas and all that stuff.

1:31:24Brian Redban:Nice. Yeah, you have a nice confidence. Like when you came out here, I could tell like the room wasn't too big for you. You were looking at the audience and your delivery and pacing. And I think that's almost, I mean, writing is important, but also you feel like you got the juice. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I appreciate that. You kind of were holding court there, so I enjoyed that. I appreciate that. That means a lot, man. I love it. You are a true performer. Jimmy, how old are you? I'm 33 now. 33. You're killing it. And you still live in Atlanta? Yes, sir. Tell us about what it's like living in Atlanta.

1:31:54Brian Redban:Tell these boring white people what it's like out there. Red band is good. That. Everything you know about Atlanta is true, man. Like, you know what I'm saying? I lived in Orlando for like 10 years, right? I leave my car window down. Downtown Orlando, nothing happened. I moved to Atlanta, man. Someone stole my Cadillac Convert out of my car. In my apartment complex. Like, it's terrible out there. I'm not even gonna lie. And I was at the Fox Theater. We was at the Fox Theater, and we were just doing the crew release of Black Panther. And my other car got broken into, and someone took my gun, man.

1:32:27It's terrible, man. It's hard being black in Atlanta, man. I like Atlanta. It's hard. I mean, it's a different place. Everybody loves rap music until they're in a lyric. You know what I mean? Yeah, hey, look. Hey, hey. And for y 'all that don't know, when you're in a lyric, that means you're on a shirt now. You got gunned down. A hundred percent. Yeah, that's what it means by being in a lyric in a rap song. Either that or you got robbed.

1:32:49Brian Redban:Hell yeah. And I missed it. Where were you before Atlanta? Orlando, Florida. Orlando. Yes, sir. Did you know Cam Patterson about him? Yeah, like Cam Patterson, David Jolly. Like those are like, yes, sir. Yep, that's our Orlando crew. Have you done, like, mics with Cam or, like, performed with Cam? Yeah, so, like, we started out when Cam came in. So a famous mic in Orlando called The Other Bar. They moved it to Harry Buffalo, so, like, it was called The Harry Buffalo. And that's when I kind of first met Cam. And David Jolly was always, like, one of my mentors. Even when I didn't believe in myself, he was like, hey, man, bro, you got it.

1:33:22You got it. You got it, man. Eat these motherfuckers' neck. That's what you always tell me.

1:33:26Brian Redban:Yep. David Jolly's a very positive guy. We love him. I love it. Jimmy, did you ever have a real job? Before that, I was in the military. So I did eight years in the military. I worked at McDonald's. Hell yeah. Appreciate it. Appreciate it, man. Thank y 'all. Thank you for your service. And Red Band thanks you for your McDonald's service as well. I'm loving it. What branch of the military were you? I was in the Army. Okay. And what did you do over there? Give us a little breakdown over your eight years in the Army. So my job was 25 Uniform, which is a signal support system specialist, basically all combo, right?

1:34:01So anything that happened to do with, like, setting up the radios that we talk on, the radios inside the tank, the OE254 cables, basically, like, the retrans cables and everything like that. That's what I did. That was my actual job. But, like, when I deployed, all I had to do was, like, fix routers and Wi-Fis. Right. So, like, radio, like, you worked, like, in Best Buy, basically? I could, but, like, for some reason, your military training don't translate over to the civilian world. No. So, like, I had to go back to school for that. I was like, yeah, I am not doing that shit.

1:34:28Brian Redban:Right. Yeah. That's perfect. Seems like you're loving your life. You have a girlfriend? I have a wife. Matter of fact, we were married for five years. Our anniversary was June 13th. It just passed. Nice. Five years. Nice date. Good for you. What does she do for a living? She's got a degree in biology. So, right now, she's a dermatologist. She's a derm tech. So, she's a grocer, which means they just take skin samples and actually, like, send it off to hospitals and everything to see if anyone got, like, skin cancer and things like that. Wow. Incredible. Five years. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom in five years?

1:35:04Brian Redban:How do you keep things exciting? We honestly, sometimes we act like we don't know each other. You know what I'm saying? Like, you have to refresh it. That's great. That's good. You have to refresh it. Every time. Got to refresh it. So, like, what we do is, like, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh, I act like I just met her all over again. So I was like, yeah, how you doing there, sweetheart? You know what I'm saying? Like, I break in the house sometimes. I mean, like, I feel like that's kind of like, you know, that's like...

1:35:39Brian Redban:So great. Francisco Rama. Is she black or white? Yeah, she's black. She's black, okay. Yes, sir. No, I just white. She's kind of used to it, my own shit.

1:35:51Brian Redban:Yeah, you can't do the fake break into the house if it's a white. lady it doesn't quite work this thing ah amazing that is so funny you're a funny guy jimmy tell us another fun fact about your life anything wacky about you what's the whitest thing about you have like a pokemon card collection or anything what would surprise us i really know i really do have a yugioh collection though but like wow but like i think the whitest thing about me is like um i've done a lot like i've done a lot of my life like i graduated high school i I graduated college. I have a bachelor's degree. Yeah. I feel like.

1:36:24That's the whitest thing. A lot of the way we from, man.

1:36:27Brian Redban:Hold on, man. Let the record show. That's technically the most racist thing that's been said on this episode. That was so wild. Yeah. Could you imagine? Let's reverse it. I'd go, have you ever done anything white like graduating? By the way, it would have been hilarious. Weird. I would have passed out from laughter, but it may have been rough for some of the listeners. Everybody knew I was joking. Stealing his weight rate. I don't know. I pay my bills on time, too. Wow. Look at this. The people in Atlanta are going to be pissed at you when you go back there. Oh, man. I ain't trying to get jumped, man.

1:37:03I don't know. I love you. 33 years old. Yes, sir. Black folks have the best skin. It is incredible. Really, your skin, it's incredible. I would have never guessed 33. I mean, if you were at a fair, you'd be hell. They'd never guess your age, Bubba. Yeah. 33, you look good. That's crazy you say that about my skin, too, man. Because, like, last year I came down here for, like, the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, and a white lady said the same thing. Like, true story, she was like, oh, yeah, you got nice skin. I wish I could rip it off and wear it. And I didn't.

1:37:30Brian Redban:Wait, what? See, they always go a little too far, these white ladies. Did that lady have a dry vagina? How did I get wrong with it? We didn't get that intimate yet, and we didn't get that close. Man, they always take it a little too far. You have nice skin. I'd like to wear it. Yeah, we were at the Speakeasy last year. Do you have any kids? No, we don't have any kids. We have a cat, though. Okay. That's not what... That's the whitest thing about you. That is. Oh, I didn't... No, I thought everybody had cats. What color is... I'm a cat guy. What color is the cat? We have a black, short-haired cat.

1:38:09Brian Redban:That's right. See, so that's pretty close to a kid. Indoor or outdoor cat? Oh. Do you fight them? Nah. No, no, no. We don't do cat fights, man. It's an indoor cat, though. Like, she's afraid. Like, she's been treated and everything. She doesn't go outside. What's her name? Salem. Oh, nice. Very nice. Kind of, you know, sounds like Sabrina. Is she up to any wacky business ever? Does she ever misbehave? No, actually, no. She doesn't. She's amazing. Like, that's the one. I love the cat. I'm like, I love. Like, and I hated cats at first. I hated cats. And then. It was your lady that wanted the cat.

1:38:43Brian Redban:Yep. How long have you had the cat for? We had it for a year. January 2015 or 2025 is when we got it. Look at you. You remember the birthdays, the anniversaries. This fucking guy's unbelievable. And you can tell he loves that cat. I love that. Yeah. So let me ask you this. Did you guys go in on the did you guys plan for the cat together or was she kind of like, I want a cat and you're kind of like I don't know and then she just got the cat. She asked me a couple of times. She was like are you sure? Because of my job and everything working at Film Sheets today She got lonely at the house. So I was like, nah, I really don't want a cat because I don't want to have the cleanup bathroom.

1:39:20And she was like, you know, cats actually clean themselves. I was like, all right, cool. We can try it. You know what I'm saying? You didn't know that? No, I did not. You didn't know cats clean? You thought they were like dogs? Yep. And so, you know what I'm saying? I found out that you can't, well, you could, but you shouldn't wash a cat yourselves.

1:39:36Brian Redban:Wait, you wash a cat? Yeah. I love Francisco's follow-up. You did not know? You did not know cats are self-cleaning animals? Who did not know that? Why do I sound Japanese?

1:39:53Brian Redban:You thought you could wash cat? That made you a little more Asian than you are there. You thought you'd wash cat? Amazing. All right, Jimmy, I feel like I could ask you questions forever. I just love your style and energy. Here's a big joke book. There you go. You're the man, Jimmy Fonson. Thank you so much. Come back anytime. Sign up anytime. Yes, sir. Thank you so much. Shout out your social media so people can follow you. Oh, you can follow me at JimmyFontaine, S-C, J-I-M-M-Y, F-O-N-T-A-I-N-E, S-C. What's the S-C stand for? South Carolina. I'm really born in South Carolina. Okay, awesome. There he goes, Jimmy Fontaine, ladies and gentlemen.

1:40:33Brian Redban:We have one last fucking poll. One of my favorite things about this show is some of my favorite door guys. Some of my favorite door guy comedians, you know, every door person here is a comedian, just like at the comedy store. And a lot of these people, just like at the comedy store, some of the most truly the most promising rising talents, like undeniable forces that will be wildly successful touring comedians one day. This is without a doubt one of those guys. He's been on this show a few times, just organically pulled him out of the bucket. and I'm pretty sure he's working a shift here tonight.

1:41:12Brian Redban:One of the best writers, one of my favorite humans in the club. Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Miles Johnson, everybody.

1:41:26Hello, hello, white people. It's good to see you all. I love whites. Whites are great. It kind of makes... Thank you. It just kind of makes this next part a little harder to say. If what the liberals have been telling me is true, white slavery is coming. I understand it's not the best news to hear from me. I get it. I'll be good to you, all right? I don't want one, all right? I'm a nice guy. Can you imagine a guy like me, guy in glasses, just fucking, just fucking... Oh, boy, come here, boy. Oh, God, that feels right.

1:42:22Your name is Davion now, boy.

1:42:28Some poor white guy just fucking...

1:42:34Luke, Brian. my name is luke brian

1:42:44Brian Redban:absolutely unbelievable as always freak of nature writer performer truly one of the funniest people i know miles johnson uh miles you're hilarious thank you you're always so funny truly a freak of nature how's life going uh pretty good uh i didn't think i was gonna go up i smoked like a whole joint in mitzvah's nice hell yeah do i seem high no i mean besides your shirt being tucked in no but i do that i take dabs and sometimes i'll rip one i'll go i think i'm gonna tuck it in yeah uh you just ride a little lightning absolutely I would like it. Right, a little like it. Did you tuck it in after smoking?

1:43:36Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those anxious, uncomfortable tucks. You go, do I look real high now? Yeah. A man with a shirt tuck could never be high. That's right. I'm a businessman. You don't normally... Back's out. It's a little belly mullet. It's a little mullet, actually. Front's tug. Back's a party.

1:44:09My funny stuff, man. Yeah, very. That was, that original comedy is so fun. Not like worn out premises and stuff. Like, I've never seen anybody do a joke like that. And it was, it was great. It really was. The Luke Bryan part. Yeah. Had your boy in a headlock. I like it. Luke Bryan. That's great.

1:44:31Brian Redban:Always the writing on you is what stands out above and beyond. Have I had you do that favorite joke of mine on this show before? Oh. The one? Did you do that before? I did it the first time. Will you do it again? Do it again for these people. It's so... Yeah. And I built it up a little bit. So just pretend like everything is fucking normal. But I swear to God, it's so good. It's incredible. Oh, fuck. Untuck the shirt. Untuck the shirt. It's the only thing. No, it's helping. It's helping. It's the only thing that could mess this up. There you go. All right. Put my pants up. Maybe tuck it in in the back a little bit.

1:45:12Brian Redban:No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking.

1:45:18Oh, I got it. I got it. Hey.

1:45:29Do you think pedophiles would like kids with big dicks?

1:45:38Because you think like they would, right? You think they would. But at the same time... At the same time, you know... the same time they see a kid with i'm a little high i got it i got it

1:45:58you think they'd like kids with big dicks but at the same time you think a guy you know little pedophile gets a kid with a big dick and he goes get the fuck out of my big get the fuck out of my van you horse dick freak if i wanted to suck a man's penis i'd just be gay

1:46:19Brian Redban:See, it's unbelievable It's unbelievable It's an unbelievable joke We got there, dude We got to it So great I knew it'd be worth it You are high as fuck I didn't know I thought the show was about to end It was You were the last bucket pull of the night It happened perfectly I like the fact that you're high as fuck Thank you I feel more natural Do you speak faster? Or now that you're high, you're like... Because I thought that was your thing, being high. But when you're not high... I'm asking people that. What? When you're not high, when you're high, are you faster when you speak fast? No, I was being...

1:47:00I think I was trying... I'm actually really slow. I was trying to... I was... What the fuck? I was trying to... Oh, you're fucked up. I was trying to make it faster because it's a minute. But it's a long... It's actually a really long joke. No, because I like how you started. because you took, you took, like,

1:47:16Brian Redban:He is very connective. Every time I've ever seen him, he doesn't rush anything. He, like, really lets the crowd feel him out and connects with everybody and then executes. Now, Francisco, you don't smoke that much pot, right?

1:47:33You want to get fucked up.

1:47:35Brian Redban:I mean, I was at the comedy. Pretty epic. Pretty epic story. We're in with, uh... Woody Harrelson, Austin, Texas resident, and one of the all-time greatest everythings, especially people to hang out with, period. They say don't meet your heroes. For the love of God, meet Woody Harrelson if you get a chance. He's the coolest guy on planet Earth. And a fun fact about Woody is he grows his own extremely organic marijuana. And I've been lucky enough to smoke with all the greats. I think I've mentioned this on the show before. Snoop, this, that, everybody. and Woody Harrelson by far has the best marijuana on planet Earth.

1:48:14Brian Redban:Andy has the best personality on planet Earth. So when you're around him, you tend to smoke. People that don't smoke tend to smoke around him and people that do smoke tend to smoke more than they would normally smoke around him because it's really good. It's not like, oh, I don't feel good, pot. It's like so good until you smoke too much. And Sweet Francisco during the Netflix as a Joke Festival smoked too much and he did what we've all done at some point and greened out. And I don't know if you guys have ever done this before where you kind of fucking kind of faint out, but he got caught midair by me, Woody Harrelson, and some of Fiona Colley's wheelchair.

1:48:57Brian Redban:And Woody, who I'm guessing has done this perhaps tens of thousands of times because it has to happen around him a lot, absolutely was the first thing that Francisco saw when he came back to and opened his eyes. And it's just Woody Harrelson right in your face going, it's all right, buddy. You're going to be good. You're good, pal. Just breathe. Come on, we got you, buddy. All I hear was like, Woody's here, buddy. Woody's here. And I'm like, what the fuck's happening? Am I in a movie? What the fuck? And in real time, I'm like, this is the highlight of anybody's Netflix is a joke festival, like getting too high with Woody Harrelson.

1:49:35Did he do the wobbly, like, I'm about, or did he just fall down?

1:49:39Brian Redban:What happened? I just fucking passed out. No, he did what everybody does, and I've done this many times. It's been a while, but you used to do it way back in the day. You try to escape because you don't want anybody to see you kind of not feeling good. I was like, I want to come outside. I need to get some fresh air. I was outside. We were outside, exactly. And that's always how it is. It's always like I just have to go to another area. that's gonna make me feel better and he was walking fast it's impossible to describe but god I wish I could paint the picture because there were so many people and there's like this much space to get through and Francisco was jogging kind of through people for this great escape and then he made it like right here Woody's right there and Fiona's wheelchair is right there and just kinda and we all like caught him what was my point I don't remember but it was just an epic epic story because Francisco and I when you started the comedy store 19 years ago you don't think you're going to have fucking you know you're going to have breathing exercises with he was like come on buddy just inhale one two three I was like what the fuck we did it all Miles Johnson I find you to be so fucking funny I'm going to do something special here that I don't think I've ever done before and I'm going to award you a panel position on an upcoming episode of the show.

1:51:05Brian Redban:I think it's time that the little baby boy is all growns up. We could sit here and jam an episode and you'll be on the whole goddamn show. And I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you want to be on the secret show Thursday. The secret show as well. Amazing. A wild success. Truly. That's the future right there. Miles Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah, brother. You're the man. One more time for Miles, everybody. I'm telling you, he has so many fucking great jokes like that pedophile one, but the pedophile one was the one that I fell in love with. I would just be gay if I wanted a horse cop.

1:51:45He's my favorite kind of comic, like silly, goofy. He's great. He's so good.

1:51:49Brian Redban:Takes his time. Feels the crowd. Always different. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've made it to the end of the show, and if you guys are fans of the modern era of Keltoni, you will know that our current undisputed, undefeated, most powerful regular is just on the other side of that curtain. He is an anomaly. His fucking writing, delivery, everything. Absolutely incredible. I'm just a super fan. I get to sit back and be a fan for a minute every single week that I bring this guy out. Make some noise for a brand new minute from The Real Deal. This is Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen.

1:52:33Folks!

1:52:36Brian Redban:Other night, I was out on a date with this girl, told me she was wearing a butt plug. I was like, that ain't stopping me.

1:52:50Brian Redban:Nice try.

1:52:57Brian Redban:Sloppy top, are we familiar with that term? All right, well, if you're not, it's when a girl gives you a blowjob and she's retarded.

1:53:08Brian Redban:And getting a blowjob from a girl with braces can be dangerous. So make sure she's old enough.

1:53:20Brian Redban:One time I hooked up with a girl so big, one plan B wasn't enough.

1:53:32Brian Redban:Had to get her plan B plus. Which is just a hoagie with fentanyl in it. Okay. Thank you.

1:53:47Wow!

1:53:50Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Good Lord Almighty. Thanks! Wow. Incredible. Thank you, Tony. That guy knows my name. Yes. It is indeed Pat O 'Neill. Scary. Yeah. You've been getting that a lot? You got people yelling at you on the streets yet? Yeah, yeah. I had one fucker waving to me at the window at a stoplight, which I found very... Yeah. That was the most annoying. No, no. Yeah. Gets scary out there sometimes. Imagine what it's like for them to see you. I know. God. Look away, I say. Incredible. Derek. I, uh... The joke writing's next level, Pat. That was so funny. But I gotta say, I was a little triggered with the hoagie fentanyl, because I...

1:54:39Your boy could fall for that. Yeah, yeah. You know? That sounds like something that would happen to me. But great stuff, man. Thank you, bud. So good, man. Like, I love also that... Oh, yeah. Whatever that is, man.

1:54:54Brian Redban:I don't know what you're talking about with that. No, don't act like you don't have a little Beetle Jigs going on. You're doing it now. I don't know what he's talking about.

1:55:07Brian Redban:So fucking funny. Pat, what's been going on in life? Working on a podcast getting some wildly mixed reviews but I am working on it Yeah They will you can't really you have to make it for you not for them That's my advice I agree, yeah So what are you doing on this pod? Tell us about it What's the plan? Is it called Pod O 'Neal? It's called Ray Guitards What? What? What? Yeah. But I agree. Do it for you, Tony. Yes, that's what I'm doing. I literally don't know. I took your advice. Ray-key-tards? Gee-tards. Say it again, all together. Ray-key-tards. I don't know what that lady's talking about. Got it.

1:56:00Brian Redban:Got it. Ray-key-tards. Yes, that's actually brilliant. Now that I've deciphered it, I think it's great marketing. It's something. And is there something that you, how do you do this pod? Is it just you interviewing your friends or what is it? There's another great comedian here who works another great doorman, Grant Adcock, and then some other fucking guy. Grant's the shit. Nice. Hell yeah. All very funny people, I think. Whoever the other guy is might be funny too. Is it a third guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, perfect. and how many episodes have you done? Like six got four of them out got it and when you say reviews what are you talking about?

1:56:42Brian Redban:they want video but I don't want people looking at my face and you know what I mean what I talk about is my business and my opinions don't represent Kill Tony or the show you don't think people would want to see your face your hilarious face the trademark iconic unbelievable that it's real Pat O 'Neill's finger, Tony. Maybe I'll rethink it. Well, what about$5 a month you get to see your shoes? $10 you get to see your feet? We'll incorporate some feet pics. Hell yeah. I can't imagine what those feet must look like. Oddly hairy toes, I'm imagining. That's what I picture. Well, that's fun, Pat. Starting a pod.

1:57:26Brian Redban:Ray Guitards. Yes, yes, thank you. Yes, absolutely. I get it now. What else, Pat? Anything else crazy going on in life? I've got some Hollywood folks doing some shows for me, so I'll fucking finally be leaving Austin and doing some shows in the near future. So you're going to find folks out there. Going to go visit Hollywood. Tour this great country of ours. Absolutely. Now's the time to do it. You are on fire. You are on top of it all. I mean, no matter where I was, I would make a long drive to see you. He's actually coming to San Diego with me next week. Fuck yeah, San Diego with Red Band. That's awesome.

1:58:02Brian Redban:Nice. Yep. I'm taking you with me to a giant venue in Toronto this week. Yeah, yeah. This won't come out, so no spoilers. I'm going to be with Tony, too, in Toronto. Yeah, it's going to be great. It's going to be a lot of folks. Yeah, a lot of folks. Speaking of Toronto, do you have a girlfriend? Wait, what? Well, based on my set, I clearly get around, you know? Oh, okay. I didn't know if you had one that you came home to after the night ended. Yeah, yeah. You do? The one with the butt plug. Oh, okay. I thought that that was just a date. I didn't know that that was a permanent situation. Okay, well, I just learned that.

1:58:38What a wild relationship. Yeah, yeah. Just going to Chili's, she's already got one plugged in. I like that. That's a different triple dipper. Yeah.

1:58:54Brian Redban:Pat O 'Neill, you're just an absolute icon, dude. I fucking love you. You are what it's all about. Thank you so much. Thank you. He's the man. Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it. Did you guys have fucking fun tonight or what? One more time for Derek Stroup. Nostalgic on Netflix. An unbelievable debut appearance here on Kill Tony as a guest. One more time for the great Francisco Ramos. The legend. My boy. My brother. We started together. We waited in lines in L.A. And out in the sun. Outside of the laugh factory. Outside of the comedy store. Hoping to get up so that we could do three minutes of fucking material.

1:59:38Brian Redban:We're fucking doing it. At 6 p.m. on a Sunday. and we are doing it. Still Learning is a brand new special is out on everything. Amazon, Apple, and YouTube TV. Thanks again to Ted Schaefer at Sweetwater Audio. Again, we are at Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th for the third year in a row. Unprecedented. The first ever podcast to do Madison Square Garden is doing it for its fourth and fifth times. I did stand up there one of the nights last year and I said, fuck that. Let's do Kill Tony again two times in a row. We got the whole crew there. Why not? Vegas, November 13th and 14th just announced.

2:00:20Brian Redban:So that's fun. Come visit us there. And fantastic stuff. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. It's great. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa, Pat O 'Neill is the Joker. Look at that. Fucking awesome. God, he'd make a great Joker. I never pictured that before. That's fucking awesome. Great fucking. Yeah, thank you to the audience. Thank you to everybody. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land? Red Band? Secret show every Thursday, SunsetScripATX.com. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody.

2:01:09Thank you.

2:01:44Thank you.

2:02:09Bye.

2:02:43Thank you.

2:02:48Thank you.

2:03:23Thank you.