#776 - BRIAN MOSES + DAVE LANDAU

21:59Oh. So I go back to town and get in arguments with my brother and sister on how we're handling and stuff. Stopped talking to them. After her memorial, I find out that then my brother passed away. Oh, my God. This is absolutely incredible. Meanwhile, I'm living in a motel with my dog. Why were you in a motel? Why would you sell your house and Atari 400 as is and go straight to a motel with your dog? Because Greg Popovich, the head coach of the San Antonio Spurs, had a stroke, and this is how far he's fallen right now. It's amazing. You do look like Greg Popovich. Do you know who that is? I thought he was Jerry Sandusky.

22:41He's breaking backs. Do you know who Greg Popovich is? Yeah, I know who he is. Okay, good. All right. So keep going. Tell us more about this horrific year. So I'm staying in the Motoba because I'm trying to stay local, but I can't. My sister is like a worse version of me because I'm self-aware of how bad I am. she's not self-aware at all so everything's an argument and everything's disaster of course so I'm trying to stay there just to support and stuff and also my brother's memorial got put what passed uh pushed back uh because uh how did your brother because uh from uh uh I don't know if it's brain cancer or if it's uh give me that air horn one more time okay it's okay he had cancer in his sinuses that I don't know if it's okay so then what happened you were saying that your sister this that what well no it's just that um that's where i was saying in the motel and also with my dog and then uh while i'm waiting for my brother's memorial don't you say something happened to this dog my dog died oh my god oh my god give me some dog noises give me some dog noises right now red band come on give it to me there he is we actually have a program a deal we have a netflix deal where we can communicate with your dog up in heaven right now this is he's very sad i don't know if you hear him okay i'm just kidding people feel any better she was a 12 year old great dane so she's my probably one of the oldest great danes in the world oh my god and uh and so and then my final so before my 59th birthday two days before my 59th birthday was my brother's memorial and then my first mother's day without my mom and then my birthday and then i moved to austin holy how long have you been in austin for about a month.

24:22Wow. Why don't you write a country song? I swear, my cousin that came down to visit for my brother's memorial said that that year should be a country song, and I said, yeah, I would call it 58. Yeah. When I was 58, it was a really bad year. I don't even like country music, but I get it now. Yeah, you are that guy. That is incredible. So let's talk about some positive things. How has your life improved lately? Has it? Shit. Did you get another dog, anything? No, no, no, I don't want another dog. So what have you been doing? How do you fill the void that you lost by breaking your back, losing your mom, losing your brother, and your dog all in the same year?

25:14Because I see a smile on your face. Well, that's the crazy part is that I could be considered nuts. I mean, I've had lifetime depression. I've been given medication before and stuff like that, and I still survive and everything like that. Are you on the medication? No, no. Look at you. I don't like medication. They can break your back, but they cannot break your spirit. No, I probably have diabetes, and I don't even go to the doctor. I just went into keto because I wanted to stay away from doctors. I love it. This is like Austin Bicklebowski. This is fucking brutal. I was 240 pounds three years ago, and I'm 170 pounds now.

25:49I was 135 when I graduated high school. You were tall and skinny, huh? Oh, that's the skinniest. I was a stick boy. That's good. Was that before or after integration? How old are you again? 59. 59. Okay. Happy Juneteenth. Wow. So, James, how long have you been preparing for this Kill Tony appearance? well i wouldn't say i'm i'm pretty lazy yeah no we know you wrote a ross perot indecent proposal joke i mean that is i believe that's a 1991 ish reference maybe 90 don't think 92. there was supposed to be an intro to that i didn't even want to use it because i but i started to forget some of the one-liners that have because mitch headberg yeah you don't want to use your material your first time i mean i was gonna sit there and say hey you know i'm gonna try to keep it real for all you i know your younger crowd and then go into that knowing that it was an old right thing but what do you do for how do you make money well that's the thing when i sold the house as is i was able to sell it i sold it for 50 000 more than what i owed on it so so i've been living off of that.

27:00Hell yeah. And you do you have any plasma left? I actually had looked into doing plasma and I found out that if they injure you that they don't pay anything. If they hurt you you don't get money? Yeah if you seriously hurt you and have to get hospitalized from the plasma withdrawal. And knowing knowing your luck you would have a serious issue in there. Everybody dies they don't know why. I feel guilty that I was the first one called up because the The guy, Richie, next to me was sitting there going, yeah, I've been doing this for a long time. You're probably going to get picked first because everybody I talk to gets picked.

27:34Yeah, yeah. Today's the day that your bad luck turned around. You were the first bucket pull. You can thank this meathead right here in the front row. I let him pull it. I should have done it myself. This guy does not look like he has a magical touch at all. Can I ask advice for you? Absolutely. So I know it's way late in life to build a big stand-up career or whatever, but is it still too late for me to be just a writer and help out other people? literally do whatever you want if you take chances and have fun and you love it if you fucking love it if you love open mics and going out and being around a bunch of psychos you can do fucking anything buddy you could be a stand-up a writer whatever the hell you want to be you could fucking be an atari 400 perfect wait well you actually you can't do that anymore because you sold the fucking atari dude but no you can literally do whatever you want it's never too late i'm gamer so that's why i killed my time is i do gaming but that's boring so i don't really talk about it you're perfect i wish fucking the other bucket pools would always ignore the gaming thing you covered your trauma and your fucking you have a great story the set for a first time wasn't that bad so you're leaving with a big joke book buddy congratulations

28:43our first bucket pool of the night ladies and gentlemen that's james morris a little story you can break his bones you can break his heart but you cannot break his spirit 59, chasing his dreams. Ooh, the lovely Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh. More beautiful in person than on YouTube, believe it or not. Hello there. You know that moment where you text your whole team? Hey, did anyone follow up with that guy? And you get silence, tumbleweeds, one thumbs up emoji two hours later. Meanwhile, the customer has already moved on, gotten married, started a new business, and retired.

29:20At some point, you're just like, let's fucking Quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q-U-O, the business phone system built so you never miss a call. You know who I know that never misses a call? He's always awake, ready, and a hard worker. Red man? Who, me? With Quo, all your calls, texts, and voicemails live in one place, so anyone on your team can pick up a conversation and respond fast. Plus, it's super easy to set up on any device. It literally only takes a few minutes. You can even keep your existing number and add teammates as you grow. So there's no IT, no hassle.

29:55Quo's built-in AI agent handles after-hours calls, answers questions, and even books appointments. So you never miss a lead, even when your team is offline. As the number one rated business phone system on G2, Quo is trusted by over 90 ,000 businesses that already rely on it to stay reachable and look professional every day. Money is on the line. Anyways, say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free, plus get 20 % off your first six months when you go to quo.com slash killtony. That's Q-U-O dot com slash killtony. Big swans for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. He goes by the name of Joel Lindley, everyone.

30:32Here comes Joel.

30:38That's right. I am a civil rights activist. I go all over our great country. I meet black women who've never been with white men before. And I desegregate that pussy.

30:59I have a dream.

31:07I love black women. I'm dating a beautiful Nigerian woman I met on Only Scams.

31:15Her father's the king of Nigeria, yeah. He's on his deathbed, and she doesn't have any cousins or even brothers, so believe it or not, I'm next in line for the throne. My first girlfriend, half black, half white. She worked part-time.

31:40Showed up late every other day.

31:45I love all people. I actually dated a girl. She was a Hindu Indian. She had that red dot on her forehead. I love that woman. I actually went to India to meet her family, but I got arrested at the border trying to smuggle in deodorant. Joel Lindley pushing it all the way to the limit there. Good set. Joel, welcome, welcome. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Forty years. No way. Unbelievable. I've been toiling in the minor leagues. How old are you? I am 59 years old. Two 59-year-olds back-to-back, ladies and gentlemen. Do you believe in miracles? If you bet$1 that that would happen on prize picks, you would have won$75 million.

32:32It is the first time we've ever had two 59-year-olds back-to-back to start the bucket. The other guy has been doing it zero years. He just started for the first time. Where did you start 40 years ago? I started in Rochester, New York, my hometown of Rochester, New York, for a place called, it's called Yuck Yucks. Yeah. I went on to the Funny Bone, then I moved to Los Angeles, and then New York, and then I've kind of been a career minor league. What years were you in L.A.? I was in L.A. from about 1996 to maybe 2003. Okay. And I worked all over L.A. I got jobs writing for friends of mine who got development deals, but they didn't go anywhere.

33:07And then I just took off with people who had brought me as a feature. Yeah. And I went on a bunch of tours. Let's check in with Brian Moses. No, I'm just, I love the set. I'm just, I'm excited to meet white Jackie Robinson. Breaking color barriers, breaking hymen barriers all over the place. It is incredible. That's the tagline. I didn't think I had time with it. Yeah, I'll be the Jackie Robinson of your vagina. Batter up. Okay, yeah, you got it, dude. I like that dream thing, too. Maybe the tag should be after you say, like, I have a dream. It's a wet dream. Yeah. Joel Lindley. So is it true you have a thing for black women?

33:40I do. I have. I love all women. Beautiful women, black women. Black women, when I was growing up, were the only ones that were up past 9 o 'clock. We didn't have a shot at the white girls. Yeah, they've got white guys to rob. What do you say? Hell, yeah. Incredible. I love all women, though. I do. Let's check in with the great Dave Landau. I don't know if I'm allowed to share this, but it was before cell phones. Please do. I'm sure it's a funny... Yeah, I had opened for you, I think, in Pennsylvania. That's right. And, yeah, this was a long time ago. But I remember you had a trick with women where you had a receipt that said$300 ,000 from your bank account.

34:17It was a fake bank receipt. It was a fake bank receipt. Holy shit. And you would ask for her number and you'd go like, oh, yeah, let me give you mine. And then you just write it down on the$300 ,000 fake bank account. Oh, my God. I didn't have that. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Real scammers. Real scammers. I tell you. It was gangster. It was real. I got so much pussy from that. Every night. Every night. I was laying all kinds of shit. Well, there's what the trick is. If you have a shitty car like I did, you got to make sure the level that you put on there matches. You show up in a burnout fucking Chevy Ford Fiesta or whatever.

34:59Yeah. That is... You don't got$300 ,000. Old school trickery. It is. Did you have any other... I ended up selling them after my show to make money. shirts i sold dvds all that shit to hustle right of course and uh what were your other tricks with the ladies like if you had that one up your sleeve which i've never heard of anything well i would always carry a red cross donation card oh my god that way if she wants me to use a condom i'm like no baby red cross i'm good look at that red cross 56 days ago i donated my shit look at Oh, my God. You're the reason why monkeypox started. That's incredible.

35:34He is HIV positive. Yeah, exactly. Incredible. You look great for 59. You're funny as hell. Tell us more about your life. Why? Well, I moved down here. I've been here three weeks. I was supposed to move down with my friend, Mr. John Mulroney, who had a tragic accident, slipped on some ice and fell. Oh, my God. I heard about that. He passed away, right? Yep. He's coming down here, too. He's good friends with Brian Holtzman. That's how I knew about it. He was coming down with me. Amazing. Couldn't make it. Well, look at you. Here you are. Absolutely thriving. That's incredible. Yeah, man. It's like fucking Yankee Stadium.

36:07Yeah. I mean, for a minor league comic. You're in it. Another reason why you're Jackie Robinson. That's right. So I love it. You're here in Austin, the new, you know, fun place to be doing stand-up. So you're just really doing it. You have a youthful spirit. I'm doing it, yeah. I work cruise ships, but I made sure I was off every Monday night so I could come back here and get on here. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Well, dude, you're doing it, man. Come back, sign up again. Give us another minute sometime. We want to hear some of your crazy fucking horror stories and road stories and chaos. Can I give a shout out to the ladies with low self-esteem and good credit?

36:47That's all of them pretty much. Hell yeah. Big Daddy needs a co-signer. Hell yeah. I love it. Nothing easier to find than a black female cosigner. Lord knows. Their credit be banging. I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here? I'm performing with the great Quinn Dale. He brings me around. Get some dates with me. He's fantastic. Yeah, very funny. I gotta get him on the show. For me here, I'll be every Monday night. Tell Quinn I want him on panel sometime. Let's do this thing. Here's a big joke book. Come back again soon. Oh, my bad. That was a bad toss.

37:23I over... I over-rotated that. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of a 40-year comedy veteran, Joel Lindley. Two 59-year-olds back-to-back to start the show. Can we go three 59-year-old white men in a row? I highly doubt it as I bring up the one-word name of Vasquez, everybody. Here's Vasquez.

37:50Hey, guys. I just want to say one thing. If you come in to where I'm sitting and you walk in off of the showroom floor with a Harley Davidson and fresh leather gear on and sit in front of me and drink a Frappuccino, then I'm not going to be able to hold my face correctly. I can't be responsible for anything that happens after that. If you sit in front of me and you drink a Frappuccino like you're my ex-girlfriend's kid finishing up a Capri Sun, then I can't be... My face is going to do some things and I won't be able to hold... Anyway, on a lighter note... I should have wrote some stuff down. Old people look like fish.

38:48I'm going to keep it light. Okay. What the fuck? Was that whole thing like a personal message to one person out there that's going to get it? Somebody sat in front of you drinking a Frappuccino somewhere? No one knows what the fuck you were talking about. It was like a live manifesto. That was lit. And then you throw in, like, one good short joke at the end? I tried. I didn't even know that was going to be a minute yet. I had one more, uh... Thing about the person sitting in front of you? That's nuts, dude. Check in with Dave Landau here. Where's your girlfriend's kid? My ex-girlfriend's kid. Yeah, same question.

39:30Where? Uh-huh. Where? Yeah, she's safe. He's safe. Oregon. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Above ground? Yeah. Is she an organ donor? Perhaps. This is a lot of venom for the way somebody drinks a Capri Sun. Yeah. It wasn't the venom against the Capri Sun. It was the guy that came in with the leather gear drinking a Frappuccino at Starbucks. What did he do exactly? Why did that bother you? I don't know. Because I have ADHD or something. I think that's called retardation. A big difference between ADHD and WTF, which is what most people were thinking. Okay. Old people look like a fish was funny. Do you have more like that?

40:20Do you have other funny things? Yeah, I've had something else to that, but I forgot. You forgot that. Perfect. What a professional. How long have you been doing stand-up? First time. Okay. All right. More things like the joke you did at the end would be my advice. More things that are funny. Noted. Yeah, more of that. That whole thing before, I mean, that was nuts, dude. How long have you been preparing for this, your first minute ever doing stand-up comedy? It's hard to say. Hard to say, really. Okay, but there's a lot of things hard to say here. It's a good interview so far. What do you do for work?

41:00I'm a brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies, a lot of up-and-coming starters. Oh, this is your version of having the$300 ,000 bank deposit slip. Okay, perfect. Sure, we totally believe you. He's a brand ambassador for Frappuccino. That's what he's here for. Amazing. How long have you been a brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies? Probably a couple years. Probably a couple years. Two years. Okay. What exactly does that entail? What did you get on jets and go? No, no, no. It's not a big deal, really. I gave away a lot of free stuff. Like where? Mostly Costco. Okay. So we're finding out in real time right now that you work at Costco.

41:55Correct. Yes. Very good. Boy, oh boy. This show is live and it's real. Let me remind you one more time. I do this a lot sometimes. Every fucking show you've ever seen before this, the host knows what the other person does. They know what they're promoting. They know what they're going to fucking say. I had to pull that out of you. You thought we were going to go, Oh, yeah, multi-million dollar brand. What's your love life like? Even the microphone is jumping off a cliff right now to save itself from the cruel tutelage of the brand ambassador Vasquez. That's hilarious. Microphones like, this motherfucker work at Costco, I'm out of here.

42:38Did they tell you to say that? I'm sorry? Did they tell you to say, like, you're a brand ambassador, even though you just give out samples of fish sticks?

42:48I mean, like... I gotta tell you, I don't know if it was on purpose, but that is hilarious, what you just did. That's a fucking joke. I mean, I'm really the one that dug it up, But, you know, it was your lie that started that hilarious order of events. I wouldn't say that. It's not a lie. You're right. You're right. No, Costco is a multi-million dollar thing. He has. And the brands that he is giving out samples of are most likely multi-million dollar brands. You're not Michael Penne on bath salts? I'm not sure who that is. Okay. Vasquez, tell us more about your life. Anything else crazy we should know?

43:25Are you like, you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that has like a jump rope record or something like that. You're very fit. You remind me of Michael Gonzalez back here. You're in good shape. Okay. Okay. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything?

43:47Not really. You do have two different colored eyes. Is that eye over there working? Not exactly. Not exactly. So that's not a no. It's a not exactly. Kind of like that eye might be a brand ambassador for a million-dollar company. And then you find out, no, it's working at Costco. What happened to that eye? Boxing accident. I took a finger to the eye. Damn. A finger. Thought you were boxing up fish sticks. A finger to the eye, but mostly there's normally gloves that are worn in boxing. Where did the finger come from? It wasn't from, we weren't wearing gloves. It wasn't a sanctioned fight. It was a cock fight.

44:29Wow, where was this at? El Paso, Texas. Oh, Oregon, yes. The El Paso of the North. And you were just doing a normal, like, street fight? Was it over a disagreement? Practice. Practice for boxing? Yeah. Holy shit. Not a game. Not a game. Yeah. Uh-uh. Wow, that had to suck, huh? Yeah. Yeah. How long ago was that? Probably four years ago. Oh, that's not that bad. You had two eyes for a long time. D Madness. D Madness thinks you're a huge pussy, dude.

45:08The God himself poked out D Madness's eyes. So imagine that. Yeah, he's doing the Lord's work. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe not because God is light. Vasquez, is comedy something that you actually want to do? Yes. Okay. All right. Well, keep writing jokes. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There goes Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along now. You know, we're all getting better about talking openly about mental health, but finding support can still feel overwhelming. Between schedules, cost, and trying to find the right therapist, it's easy to keep putting it off.

45:46That's one reason I really like Talkspace. Red Bam?

46:18out of pocket as well. So as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space 80. That's S-P-A-C-E 80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space 80. All shapes and sizes of people. Brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies. The sample guy at Costco. There's a lot of range in between those two jobs. That's below a bagger. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Paul Cyphers. We know Paul. He's a funny guy. Here comes Paul Cyphers.

47:04I work as an exterminator. I do pest control for a living. Thank you. It's kind of like being an ice officer for cute little animals. That's basically it. Instead of catching Mexicans, I mostly catch squirrels. So, you know, Mexicans and squirrels, very different. You know, one is a small brown creature you'll see on someone's lawn or up on someone's roof, and the other is a squirrel.

47:30Today, someone asked me if I was going to kill the squirrel. I was like, no, man, I'm going to put it in a cage and separate it from its family.

47:40This is a true thing. My work truck has been broken into three times in the past month. Nothing will turn you into a Republican faster than tools getting stolen out of your work truck. But we live in Texas, so I went out and I bought a gun, you know? If they break into my truck again, I'm going to fucking kill myself.

48:03That should do it. Thank you guys very much. Appreciate it. Great. Paul Cyphers. Hell yeah, buddy. That was awesome. How's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up now? Like seven going on eight years. Yeah. I remember you many times from the show being very, very funny. Thank you. You seem funnier than ever. How's life going for you? Better in certain ways, worse in others. Let's talk about it. What do you mean? I'm doing pest control. I'm an exterminator, so I'll start there. Not usually the mark of somebody doing super well, but I had a friend today say, well, you should be grateful you have a job.

48:40And I was like, well, you're unemployed. You want me to put a resume in? He said, no, I'm good. actually so that's something tell us about the nightmares that you see out there uh i run into a lot of kill tony fans oh yeah they're everywhere they are bed bugs and cockroaches and droves they got they also have ferraris and corvettes too they're here i don't think anybody here is using my company but they recognize you when you come in they go holy shit aren't you on no once or twice it's happened but uh oh you bring it up you're out there spraying and you're Like, say, you ever see Keltoni? It comes up.

49:15I just try to make good conversation with people when it comes up. And in Austin, it's very, very popular. What are some of the infestations that have blown your mind, though? I'm sure people want to know because it's crazy out there. I hear horror stories all the time. In the heat of the summer, I deal with a lot of black widow spiders. Okay, I thought that was going another direction for a while. thought you were going to be the greatest exterminator of all time for a moment there and it turns out just a spider problem it's gay pride not white pride my Tony I'm like what are you exterminating he's like these fucking black widows black like that it was a long black these fucking crazy ass motherfucking always on the porch these fucking black widows out there just always trying to fucking ruin everybody's night with their fucking yapping and drama like wait what it's a spider they actually become a widow after the extermination yeah they hated that after they Joel Lindley the second 59 year old of the night that loves black women he'd be exterminating that pussy you know what i'm saying all right go ahead black widows are terrible black widows rattlesnakes uh yeah i originally did pest control for my dad's business in massachusetts and moving down here much like the people the bugs are a lot angrier and fatter here in texas yeah so uh it's very terrifying um the people are disgusting cockroaches you name it yeah that happens that's a thing they're out there cockroaches are out there flies are really bad this year right yeah well maybe your house is a little dirty i don't know

51:18you just got chainsawed all right so i love it so you're wow there's a lot of flies out there outside yeah no it's

51:34so you're out there fighting flies and you're fighting a lot of foo obviously am i correct foo foo foo fighters oh there you go all right what are the other let's talk about the big ones this is what people want to know about tell us about the craziest rats that you've seen is there Anyone that has a rat infestation out there? Every other bar besides the one you're sitting in on 6th Street has a lot of rats. I had to drown a rat to death one time. Tell us about that. That's what we want to know. I caught a rat by only its paw on a trap, and I was at a very wealthy person's upstairs, and I called my boss, and she was like, you can either smash it off the ground.

52:23I was like, I'm not going to do that. She's like, or you can drown it. And I was like, all right, well, I guess I'll try drowning it. Hell yeah. I got a bucket of water. You fill with water. You're like one of those kids who, like, kills rabbits as a youth. And it's like, I can make money off of this. No, I did too many drugs in high school. I didn't go to college. I'm actually a vegan, which is the craziest part. What? Yeah. Have you ever knelt on a squirrel's neck? What's that? Ah. That's not bad. I might take that. Thank you. Wow. So how did you drown the rat? What did you put the rat in? I filled a bucket with water, and the rat was on a trap, so I put it in, and the rat's, like, screaming.

53:12No, please, mister, no! And it falls underneath the water in just, like, total silence. It turns out rats cling to life quite a bit. Yeah. Start breaching the water like an orca whale. Oh, my God. So I looked around. I saw a broom. And I just kind of like lightly was. Oh, shit. He really is like. He really is like. He's like a 1990s LAPD cop. Jesus Christ. Nobody's filming this, right? And I was pretty emotionally affected by it. The bubbles are coming up. It takes. Oh, my God. It turns out it takes a long time. Wow. So eventually I got bored. I just started doom scrolling on my phone. I was like, oh my God.

53:57I remember it was the Rock's cheat day. So I opened my phone. I'm like, that's a lot of pancakes that Twain Johnson's eating. And then he was dead. Oh, that's hilarious, Paul Seifert. And there were four turtles crying. Yeah. This guy in the camo hat just said, what the fuck? You know, it's a weird story. Yep. That guy's killed Middle Eastern people before from long range. Yep. And he'll do it again, he just said. Perfect. Welcome to America, everybody. Wow. Paul, how's your love life? When you're not drowning rats, are you drowning in pussy? I'm actually... I drown the rats. I'm saving up to try to afford a wedding for the love of my life.

54:38Oh, nice. How long have you been with her? I've been with her going on three years, but I have been sure about trying to marry her since I met her. But it takes a long time on the exterminator salary. to save up. That makes sense. That makes sense. And she's a vegan. She is not, no. She's a Texas Houston gal. Badass, loves brisket, you know. I love it. I love it. So what made you turn vegan? I've been, I was vegan on and off, and honestly, it's just something in stand-up. I have some jokes about it, and I just try to do, I'm like totally sober now. I just try to change things up to try to write material.

55:17You know you don't have to do that. Yeah. You could eat a steak and go on stage and do a joke about being vegan if you wanted to. That's true. That's actually what I'm doing right now. I don't know why I lie.

55:31Amazing. Paul, I love it. What am I missing here? Fantastic set. Fucking great interview. Absolutely perfect. I would love to have you back on The Seeker Show, Paul. Thank you. There you go. And I'm sure you have one. But here's another big joke book. Paul Cyphers, ladies and gentlemen.

55:53Moses has to go pee, everybody. He's gonna go drown a rat somewhere. In the meanwhile, we're gonna keep it moving along with your next bucket pool. He goes by the name of Trenton Tebow, everybody. Here comes Trenton. Put your hands together for Trenton Tebow.

56:12Yo, who in here wants to have the best sex of their life tonight? All right, everybody that said no see me afterwards.

56:22Yeah, I'm glad this is going well. My free trial for BetterHelp expires this weekend.

56:32I'm just kidding, guys. I can never kill myself. I photoshopped a pair of angel wings on the other day. I look fucking stupid.

56:47I tried. just brought the ceiling fan down with me.

56:56Great, now I'm depressed and not getting my deposit back.

57:05You know how hard it is to sleep when you're suicidal and hot now?

57:21So you go to the gym, right? Because you need to make a change. Go to the gym, you know, because they have stronger fans. All right, thank you, guys. I'm Trent and Tebow. Trent and Tebow. Holy shit. What a set. Is this your first time on the show? Nah, third time. Wow, this one was fucking standout incredible. He's going to pee real quick. He would have loved your set. It's okay. He hates white people. Oh, no. Yeah. We'll tell them all about it. You would agree that this is a standout set out of the three? Yeah, this is pretty good. I like it. Yeah, I love it. You're fantastic. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up?

57:57About four years. Four years. Man, you're funny as hell. Where were these four years at? Fort Worth, Dallas. Nice. Do you live here now or did you make the drive today? No, I live in Dallas-Fort Worth still. How often do you drive down here for a spot like this? I haven't been down here in a few months, honestly. Amazing. What do you do for work? I work at a restaurant as well as I do, like, contract, construction labor type shit, landscaping, you know, that type of shit. Ah, the rare white landscaper. Yeah, I got the mustache for it, though. Hell yeah, you got it. You got it, absolutely. What do you do for fun, Trenton, Tebow?

58:40Ah, dude, I fish a lot. I like fishing a lot. I play a lot of pool, too. Nice. I know Trenton. He's a hell of a joke writer. He's part of Rose Battle, Dallas, Fort Worth. He dates a single mom. He's really funny, too. White. You got to say a little no. But yeah, this guy's amazing. I bet your set was great. Sorry, I missed it. You're right. I hate white people. Yeah, that's cool. I get it. Is this true? You're with a single mom? Yeah, yeah. A single mom of four. Oh, my God. Yeah, fucking thank me for my service, dude. Wow. Wow. How old are these kids, ballpark? All between what ages? Oh, dude, you think I'm supposed to know this?

59:25Give us the ballpark of the youngest and oldest. 13 through 4. Okay, yeah, those are kids. That's why you're suicidal. Yeah, exactly, you get it. That makes sense. So do you often bang her, obviously, at her place? You guys don't live together, right? Yeah, no, no. We live a while apart, so it's just whenever we can. Right. So you go over there, and then what? You kind of like to get to bed, kids. Get on getting, children. No, we just go when we... The tornado shelter. Yeah, no, just shove some shit in front of the door so we can hear them start trying to break in. Is that true? I love that. Hell yeah, that works.

1:00:09That works. I get it. I've never really gotten into the single mom thing. I don't get it. What's that? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's amazing. She does stand up? Yeah. Tony, get you a black widow. That's who you need. Okay.

1:00:34Did she sign up tonight? Is she with you? Yeah, she's across the street or next door. What's her name? Sagan Butler. Thank you. There you go. We're going to get her out here. We're going to have her do a minute. That'll be fun. So how long you been banging this fucking mom for? We've been in an intimate relationship for about four months, I'd say. Okay. She's a very respectful woman. Don't say that. I love it. I love it. So have the kids ever cock blocked you or anything like that? How do the kids fit into this thing? oh man uh the the oldest are good they take themselves to bed uh the youngest they try to which they stay with their dad part of the time that's why i like to come over but uh hell yeah that's the good times yeah you ever do the hank hill voice with them do what you said you ever do like the hank hill voice with them no i i don't i'm gonna be real You should, though, because you got that, you know.

1:01:34I don't have Wi-Fi. I don't have TV. So I've never seen any of that. Right. Yeah. You could tell. Again, Moses is from San Diego. Not many blacks know about King of the Hill. He's white. I told him about King of the Hill. Amazing. Amazing. Proving my point yet again. Amazing. Have you met the dad? I've met one of the dads. Hey, hold on. Whoa. Welcome to another episode of One of the Dads. Hold on. How many dads are there? More. Only two. Only two. Only two dads. Are the kids... Mexican, yes. Yeah. They are? Are they really? Yeah, yeah. This lady's bouncing from landscaper to landscaper? Yeah, you're right.

1:02:29This is incredible. Coming over to trim the hedges. Yeah, very nice. She's letting everybody mow her lawn. Hey, don't say that about my lady. It's been four months. Don't disrespect her like that. It's been the best four months of my life. I love it. Here's a fun fact. We're both friends with Yoshi. Pretty good friends with Yoshi. Yoshi's the best. Dude, Yoshi's the fucking man. I'm more of a Wario guy myself. That's good. Guys, why don't you We're going to bring up Sagan How about one more time for Trenton Tebow, everybody Trenton, here's a big joke book, my friend Thank you Hello there If you've been sitting on a business idea Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real You know, when I launched the Kiltony storefront I was surprised by how much was already taken care of I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated setup steps Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one.

1:03:28Redband? One of the biggest things I noticed early on was how smoothly customers moved through checkout. Shopify checkout helped more people complete their purchases and returning customers could check out even faster because their information was already saved. That friction-free experience gave me confidence that the sales side was working the way it should. And once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building the store to actually growing the business. Instead of worrying about the technical side, I could spend more time improving products, connecting with customers and finding new ways to grow.

1:04:03Things that people actually want and think are cool. It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide. From first-time entrepreneurs to major brands, the infrastructure is already there. You just bring the idea, my friend. With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. That's right. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. I don't know about you guys, but I want to meet the mother of four that's getting banged out by Trenton Tebow. Here to do an uninterrupted minute of stand-up comedy.

1:04:42Make some noise for Sagan Butler, everybody.

1:04:52Surprise, I'm a single mom of four. Yes, I also worked with infants for over a decade. I learned some things about people. Like across the lifespan, we just try to recreate the feeling of being in the womb because it's what we find soothing. It's why we swaddle babies. Adults use weighted blankets. And that's probably why I love alcohol and the muffled sounds of people fighting.

1:05:18Feels like home, you know? Something I notice I do as a parent is I call my kids little cute pet names on the fly, right? But the other day I accidentally called my baby girl Booger Sugar.

1:05:33And in case you live under a rock, that means cocaine. And I felt bad until I realized all the things that babies and cocaine have in common. They're both really expensive. They both keep you up all night. And they both frequently get sniffed by members of the Biden family.

1:05:58All right, I'll end it there. Hilarious. Thank you. Amazing. Sagan Butler, welcome, welcome. Hi. Hi. This is your first time on the show? Second. Okay. How long ago was that last time? Like two years ago. Okay. What did we talk about in your interview back then, two years ago? Me being a single mom, mostly. Nice. I have two little boys on the spectrum. One of them is a savant type, so we talked about that. Okay. All right. Great. Welcome, welcome. Did you have braces back then? Unfortunately, yes. I don't know when I'm going to get them off, so we'll see. Hell yeah. That's some real fucking Dallas shit right there.

1:06:33Just getting braces and then never having them removed. Let's check in with the great Dave Lando. Look, at least they're Invisalign. I want to say, yeah, that was a great set, and I saw you last night at Roast Battle, I think you're tremendous. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Sagan Butler out here doing it. So let's talk about it. What are the updates in life? It's been two years since you were on. What's going on? I watched my friend die in front of me. He was on this show. Oh, shit. Who was that? His name was Henry Cruz. Henry Cruz. What happened to Henry? We were walking to get an Uber, a car jumped the curb, hit him, and they took off.

1:07:12I have heard of him. Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. Why would you do that? That was a traumatizing moment. Is that what it sounded like? Yeah. Okay. They never caught the hidden runner? They did, but they haven't, like, we still got to go through. They haven't prosecuted him yet? No. How long did it take to find him? Like a few weeks to a month. Damn. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Were they on the run? I mean, I guess they hit him and it just kept going. Did anyone get the license plate or anything? No, it was just like in a split second. So they kind of had to do the math on cameras and stuff? Yeah, it was in Deep Ellum, so there's cameras everywhere.

1:07:50So I imagine that's how they caught him. Yeah. Amazing. How did he do when he was on this show? What did he do when he was on this show? No, how did he do? He did great. Did he? He did really well. So he was in two situations where someone killed. Yeah, exactly. Amazing. He was a great guy. And so he died in your arms? Essentially. I tried giving him CPR. It didn't work. What do you think? Did he hit his head? I'm sorry to have you describe this situation. It's okay. I've talked about it a lot. He lost consciousness. Once he landed, he was out. He wasn't scared or in pain. Got it. That's good.

1:08:31Damn. That sucks. I thought we liked dark shit, guys. It's good. Did you find his joke book? Maybe you can do some of it. bread man come on bread man why would you say that okay uh well that's incredible what else is going on in life these kids are growing up how what's the savant what is their talent um he's just incredibly smart about everything like he'll like educate family members at like uh events where they're like let me tell you about gestational diabetes i love it sounds like a future golden ticket winner to me hell yeah hell yeah they do they do mics with me sometimes oh nice how old is he uh he is currently 11 okay amazing that's fun what type of alcohol is the best to drink while pregnant to have an autistic child i want to have a savant don't we all yeah okay i don't know that's my mom not me actually she didn't do that it's just i love you mom Did you take a lot of Tylenol?

1:09:33Yeah. I had to have, yeah. Yeah. Amazing, Sagan. Well, you're very, very funny. Your boyfriend, Trenton, is hilarious as well. You guys are living the life. I bet you have a lot of giggles on your drives up and down from Dallas. I bet he gets the most rugged, brace-filled roadhead you can possibly imagine. I mean, I don't know what kind of car he's driving, but there's a lot of potholes from here to Dallas. I hope he's stopping off at Bucky's and getting a little break, putting a little ice on that shit. Sagan, amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book for you. Great stuff. There they go. The amazing couple of Trenton Tebow and Sagan Butler.

1:10:13A fun little old school thing where if someone very funny has a loved one out there that does comedy, we get them both up. Right now, while we go wrangle that next bucket pool, I have one of the great regulars of the history of the show ready with a brand new minute for you. One of the hardest jobs in all of stand-up comedy is writing and performing a brand new minute every week, having to follow your own actions and own growth here. And this guy shows no mercy, never takes a week off by choice, always working, always grinding. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

1:10:50The Dark Store of Austin, Texas. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Did y 'all know y 'all don't have to prove you're autistic to buy Legos? I didn't know that because every time I went to the Lego store, it was always a long line of niggas buying it. And then I realized it was just the person at the counter telling the nigga, ringing them up how much they love Legos and everything that they build. And I went in there. I just wanted to buy this transformer Legos that just had came out. And I don't know how to put them together because I'm not autistic. It's just like it's just art in my house. Like it's just the same box.

1:11:30And so I had recently got released from Japan when I was in jail and I had a party at my house. And one of my autistic friends, that he just walked up to me. He was like, hey, do you want me to put together that transformer? And I was like, how do you? Nigga, that was in my room. Like, how did you get back there? How did you get back there? He's like, I'll take it apart after if that's what you need, if you want to put it together. I was like, nigga, go back there. And then after about, like, when the party was ending, that nigga was still putting it together. I was like, hey, we got to go to, like, we're leaving here.

1:12:03And he was like, I'm not. So I want to start, like, a task rabbit. Like, you hire people to hang stuff. I want to start that for autistic people called finish it or die trying. And he's just still been at my house. I'm new to autism because I grew up black. I didn't really just, like, all of a sudden, everybody who I knew was white was autistic, so I thought these niggas was lying, like when they told me they all had spaceships, right? But my ex-girlfriend, Penelope, was the first person to tell me about it. She came to me, she said, Dedrick, I'm autistic. I was like, shut the fuck up, right? And then, like, the next morning, we was about to eat breakfast, and then I saw her pour her milk in before her cereal, and I was like, yeah, that nigga autistic.

1:12:52That's... We got to put her down. That's about time I love y 'all. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, with another two minutes. Always doing overtime. Incredible. Milk before cereal just... It just makes me uncomfortable to think about. Out of all the things we've covered, people dying in other people's arms, fucking four kids from two different dads, 59 years old, never done this before, eight broken bones, dead mom, dead brother. I have notes here that are very sad. Something about pouring milk in a bowl before cereal just has me so uncomfortable. D Madness is going to go cut himself. My girl does that.

1:13:35Even he has never poured more milk before cereal, and he doesn't know what the fuck the difference is. My girl does that. Janice does that too. Oh, my God. Incredible. Milk before cereal. Frightening. It floats, right? Doesn't it kind of float? I couldn't watch her pour. It was like, you know how you watch a scene that you know is a horror scene as a kid? So I'm looking at her pour her cereal. You know what I'm saying? But I can't see her finish it. And then after she poured her cereal, she was like, you want me to pour you? I was like, nigga, no. Don't touch. Don't touch cereal. I couldn't. That's why we broke up.

1:14:10I'm not going to lie to y 'all. We was in love right before then. I was like, you know what? God do be talking to you. There will be signs. He said, stop dating retarded chicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know what they say. Once you go pale, you know what I'm saying? She make you eat kale. But if she's hot with tattoos as well, she's autistic as well. I can't remember what they said. Right. I just made up both of them. Hell, yeah. Incredible. I'm glad you're back, man. I think we all miss you. I miss Dedrick. I did. I love that. Thank you all so much. Yeah, we covered it a little bit last week, but I still think we were all a bit traumatized.

1:14:48That you look like a deflated Rick Ross. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do 700 push-ups a day when you get to Zoomies, you can lose weight, too. But also, they ain't gotten to it. It's like worse jail food. I think everybody thought I was going to come back in a certain way, but we had teriyaki anchovies and pickled cabbage five days a week. And so, like, I was definitely in the uh-uh stage. Because the first time I ate it, I thought it was vegetables. And then the second time I ate it, I looked down. I saw a bunch of eyes looking at me. Oh, shit. That shit was just good. But I love Japan.

1:15:23Thank y 'all so much. Wait. That is such a lie. When did they let you out? Juneteenth? Right before. They knew the nigga had to leave. Honestly, they just wanted to meet me from how nice they were to me. Like, the whole staff, they were always, like, super comedian when I would make them niggas laugh and shit. Like, they was like, you get off. You put this in stand-up when you go back. Can't wait to see. And I was like, I don't know how they're going to see it because I'm not going to do it in both languages. Like, I didn't learn any Japanese out there, but I did learn what was bad in Japan. Right.

1:15:57Do they be fucking in jail in Japan? Huh? Do they be fucking in jail in Japan? No. They don't have... Brother, let me tell you this. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. this is 24 hour lockdown and when you first come in this was the scariest part when i walked in because at first i thought they was being nice to me because they handed me like three blankets and everybody who've been arrested in here know jail is the coldest place on earth right so i was like this is gonna be a cakewalk for me i got three blankets i'm good and then them niggas handed me a leather box that had the same like density and shape as velveta cheese i thought it was a leather box of toiletries.

1:16:34No, nigga, that was the pillow, right? That was the pillow. And then when I got to the cell, there were no beds. So one of those blankets was either a bed or a blanket or a pillow, like, you know what I'm saying, to use it. So there was nothing. And we got room search. That was the worst part, nigga, no ramen. All right? Can we talk about that? There ain't no, nigga. I didn't have no ramen when I was in Japan. And I wanted to tell these niggas, y 'all are missing out on so much money. because like in the United States, nigga, ramen, I've seen, it's what, it's, ramen in jail, it's like what you could do with ramen, like niggas make like lasagna out of ramen, I didn't see niggas make knives out of ramen, like I've seen niggas escape from jail out of ramen, no ramen, nigga, I had zero ramen, that was what really made it prison.

1:17:19You're the Bubba Gump of ramen, that was... You can make ramen pizza. You look like an offensive coordinator, nigga, fuck you. Oh, shit. more like offensive coordinator get your black ass out of he's supposed to be on my side oh i said happy june t-t-t no he's from san diego oh yeah i'm on your side though thank you so much yeah you didn't invite me at all nigga you didn't say keep your head up nigga you know

1:17:47first of all japan you bow you don't keep your head up no you do you can it's a quick it's a quick head now niggas don't really bow in jail because it's i i don't know nigga i didn't make the fucking rules. Why you looking at me? I made one mistake and niggas let me go. That was the end of it. Did you have a roommate? I had four of them. Were they fucking horrified when you walked in? No. Very braka. It's a very braka. Because it's four Japanese games. Are you just scared every time you see a black dude in the room? Do you get horrified when you see a black dude come in the room? No. I think you do.

1:18:23No, I really don't. I'm from Detroit. So you definitely do. No. No, I'm a Dave. I picture three scared little Japanese men going, oh, no. This is the worst case scenario. Yeah, you got like three dudes, three small dudes, and then you walk in clearly. He's going to try to steal one of my P-Row. Bro, damn. Yeah. He probably think of the P-Row too small. He's going to steal. I'm not going to. They was just, they was a gangster too. They was like, like Yakuza member, but like I'm good around gangsters. Like I would, I would just help them out sometimes. Like I helped them, like I helped out of the three dudes in that room.

1:19:07I helped two of them get out on bail because they didn't understand the system. And I had them like writing letters to the judge and stuff like that. Like helping them get out. Look at you pulling a Johnny Cochran. Yeah, dog. I told him every time I would see them like getting a little upset because it's 24 hour lockdown. So they can really get to you and we all in a box. So, like, if I started, I was like, come on, let's hit these push-ups. I had them doing push-ups, sit-ups, like, talking to them. Like, when I left, they woke me up, and they were, like, crying that I was, like, gave me a hug.

1:19:34We are going to a museum, Black Man. Black Shogun is what they call me in there. I will never forget when you forced me to do push-up. Thank you for teaching me to read and read. you got me out on bearer i never knew i will never forget you i would watch every episode of you on kill tony rr i really the thing is they did though after i got arrested they started looking me up and so then they would start like coming by and like saying some of the jokes that i was saying like like i said they was so nice to me like when i was getting out the nigga shook my hand i never shook an officer's hand he was like hey do i look mad at you and i was like no he was like so that should tell you if you get out tomorrow because it's it's a terrified y 'all y 'all gotta is you gotta spend a mandatory 23 days and then if they have enough evidence you go to trial which is six weeks later oh my god my case is dropped and dismissed of the fucking 11 people i am the only person to get the fuck out and it does not matter what lawyer you have I was just telling the truth.

1:20:46I don't do MDMA. I told the cops, I said, I'll do MDMA because I love lasers already. And they was like, do you do cocaine? I was like, no, my nigga, I already talk a lot. You know what I'm saying? I don't need to do hard drugs. I'm already crazy. And so that was real nice. You should try MDMA, by the way. Yeah. Very nice. Yeah. Thank you, Red Band. I love all the AI shit you do. Is that how you got there? Our senior health correspondent, Brian Red Bandley. ladies and gentlemen. Always on top of what everybody should be doing. Yeah. Dedrick, you are always so wildly entertaining, unbelievably charismatic.

1:21:25The great dark storm, the black shogun, Dedrick Flynn. Fresh out of Japanese prison. Look at these guys. There's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Ah. That is. Say that. You're allowed to say that. No, say it now. Say it now. It's not going to be... Stop, man. Stop. He's not going to be fresh out of Japanese prison. Just say into the mic what you just whispered into my ear. And I'm going to force you to do it, so you might as well just do it. Just say what you just said. Referring to Dedrick's Japanese prison stay, he said that we missed a joke that we could have said. Go ahead. Yeah, I can imagine him being like, no, my nigga.

1:22:12They're like, no, no nigiri. No nigiri. We have no sushi. I liked it more how you said it to me. I literally just said nigiri to you, and you're like, that's funny. Anyway, it was better. We're keeping it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket. Pull back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Gerard Michaels, everybody. Gerard.

1:22:37Woo! Baby, here we are. It's so good to be here. the greatest show on earth and the greatest club on earth and the greatest country on earth let's rock and roll i love seeing the european minds explode being here for the world cuff being lied to all these years with the propaganda and they're sitting here like i thought it was going to be nazis in a race war and it turns out there's nothing but buckies and ranch dressing it's delightful yeah dude you've been lied to the whole time america is amazing dude it's incredible here We go skydiving with no fucking health care here, dude. We're awesome.

1:23:14If you like Buc-ee's and ranch dressing, stick around for the 4th of July and check out Four Loko and Cherry Bombs. It's gonna be fucking awesome. It's what the media does, man. They lie, man. I remember watching CNN, and I'm seeing Don Lemon staring right into the TV going, middle-aged white men are the most dangerous creatures on planet Earth. And I turn, and I look at my father, eating easy cheese off his belly with a Ritz cracker. I'm like, oh shit, that's a fucking apex predator right there.

1:23:45Gerard Michaels. Welcome, Gerard. You've been on this show before, right? This is my first time, Tony. Wow, how do I recognize you? Where do I know you from? I don't know. Old Country Buffet, maybe? You've done roast battles before? Oh, you were here opening for Dave this weekend. The great Dave Landau. Got it. That makes sense. Well, that's cool. Where do you live? I live in Fort Lauderdale, Florida now, but I hail from Old Bridge, New Jersey. Nice. Hell yeah. I'm glad you stuck around for this. That's fun. How long have you been doing stand-up? 12 years. 12 years. All of it there in Florida mostly?

1:24:19No, New York mostly. New York City? I started at the Stress Factory. Vinny Brand, shout out, my brother. Nice. We do New York City sometimes. We're going to be at Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th. Fun fact, the Kill Tony Band is playing on August 6th at the City Winery. So if you're doing, got nothing to do on that Thursday, just see the Keltoni band. Why not? And also there's weekend passes available. We're doing a different thing where you can buy a full weekend Keltoni passes. That was a way for me to plug. Thank you for letting me plug my Madison Square Garden dates. Anyway, Gerard, so you live in New York now?

1:24:52I live in Fort Lauderdale. Moving to Austin, Texas, July 16th. Nice. Congratulations. Welcome, welcome. What are you most excited about, about moving to Austin? It's a very fun place. I was just in Florida. I know Florida very well. I actually like Fort Lauderdale. Right. I think all the women here look like they're either just getting over a fever or a fever's just coming on, and that makes them very approachable. Okay. You see that, huh? It's like a sixth sense or something. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of my thing, you know. Wow. That's incredible. I've never noticed that before. Do you see that in any of the ladies out in this audience here tonight?

1:25:29You see any fever? No, there's a lot of good-looking girls with ugly guys in here. This is like a Tesla Pratt or something. Yeah. There's like a SpaceX IPO in here or something. Perfect, yes. That's what I tend to see as well. Someone tried to tell me that our fan base has a lot of cockroaches and rats earlier. I wasn't having him. Just kidding. I believe him. So, Gerard, how do you make money? Just stand up or do you have another side gig? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to get under a fucking truck every once in a while. Get under that hood, fucking change the carburetor. I mean, I think you mean mechanic, but it came off as gay to me.

1:26:01I don't know why. Yeah, no, I do. I do make it, everything I do is kind of gay. Yeah, I work with Veteran Awareness, a company called VetClaims.ai, trying to help veterans come home and get all the money that they've earned. Fuck yeah. That's great. We love that. We love the vets, taking care of all the animals and whatnot. Oh, by the way, if there's any vets in here, just say your dick doesn't work, you get all the money. That's kind of the secret. Whoa, amazing. Are you a veteran yourself? No, no. I'm a pussy. Right. Okay. What made you get into that industry? How'd you get into that? Well, they were looking for content creation, and then we were helping them out, trying to, like, you know, take their brand.

1:26:46Have you tried Costco? Yeah, right? The benefits would have been better. And I just fell in love with it, man. They're a great company, and they're doing great things, and it's something that I feel very strongly about. I love that. Me too. Absolutely. We love our veterans here in the Kill Tony universe. So let me ask you this. What's your love life like? Because you seem like the kind of guy that likes to shake the mattress a little bit. Yeah, it could always be better, man. It could always be better, you know? I think... Tell us, what was your last random hookup like? How does a guy like Gerard Michaels like to wrangle a little rodeo?

1:27:23I like to troll the bars for single moms at the end of the night, mostly. Oh. You ever seen a single mom with braces and four kids from two different dads? That's my target demographic. Hell yeah. Absolutely. I had a feeling you would like that. There was one up here earlier. So the last hookup, like when did that happen? Last night. Okay. So just out of curiosity, take us through it. Is this someone that saw you perform stand-up and they're like, you're funny. What's up? No, no. I was at the... I'm sorry, but I kind of have a fever coming out. yeah no i was at the uh white horse trolling a little bit hell yeah that's a great place yeah i was having a little boot scooting boogie and i heard this girl talking about our dad's an asshole and i was like i'm in wow that's perfect white horse is the shit i i love that fucking place and yeah there's real normal human like girls there it's like real humans so far so good yeah It's fun.

1:28:23They throw on their little boots and their polka dot skirts and they go out and have a few drinks and they'll fucking even hook up with a big boy like you. Right. Yeah. For free. That's South Florida is like two grand a night. You know what I mean? Yeah. Check in with the great Dave Landau. Yeah. The other place that he told me about is like, yeah, if you can't find somebody, it's like, you know, Cockfight, it's a gay bar, but they do have food until 3 a.m. Yeah. That's what you call a win-win situation. Exactly. Hell yeah. Either get chicken or some chicken. I like to eat a little beef cheek, you know?

1:28:57I think you're a beast, and I'm glad you came out here. I really had no idea you were going to, and I'm really happy, and you killed. Great job, my friend. Thank you so much. Hell yeah, Gerard. You're a very funny man. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book coming at you. And there he goes. Gerard Michaels, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. I always love it. I love it when fucking comedy veterans sign up for the show. I think it's very smart for people that have been doing it 12 years or 40 years, like Joel Lindley earlier, to come and be seen. You know? Anyway. Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

1:29:33This is a tough name to say, but I'm going to try my best. I'm going to say Doorday Kirk-Edgic. Doorday Kirk-Edgic.

1:29:59I apologize to absolutely nobody. Last time I was here, I'm the guy two years ago that was here and missing a front teeth and asked for reparations. Well, I got mine, which is American-made porcelain. You can't hear that. Anyway, I was reading this book by David Steinberg, Inside Comedy. And in that book, he said that comedians are allowed to steal ideas and then produce their own material. Steal ideas, produce own material. And also, he said in that book that if it wasn't for a Richard Pryor, There would never be a Dave Chappelle, no Katvillians we know today. And I agree with both of these statements because if it wasn't for these three guys, I would never dream of becoming the first Montenegro comedian in the world.

1:30:58Thank you, guys. I appreciate that. That was my time. Am I saying that right? Doorday? Georgie. Georgie. Okay. Or we can say George. It starts with a D where you're from. Where is that? Poland? Montenegro. Montenegro. That's in Europe, sir. Welcome, welcome. But that's a D? It's a D with the middle thing inside. Oh, okay. That makes it a George. It's a J. George. Georgia or George. Georgia. Welcome, Georgia. Thank you. So, you were on two years ago and you were missing a tooth is what I gathered from that. That's right. And then at the end there, these three guys, what were you saying there? What was that?

1:31:38If it wasn't for Richard Pryor, there would never be a Dave Chappelle nor Cat Williams we know today. Uh-huh. okay, all right, just making sure I heard. And if there wasn't a Drago and a love guru, there wouldn't be you. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, you're wearing capris. I mean, you're so unlikable, George. I mean, you came up here. I'm apologizing. Usually Americans, we like a foreigner who can't speak our language unless they're Mexican, but this was like a whole thing. We just, like, you got to lose those teeth again. You'll be likable again. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Punch yourself. Lose those teeth.

1:32:17Now I can laugh more, yes. Did you say Monten... I feel like you didn't even pronounce your own country right there. That was wild. I said Montenegro, yes. There it is. Yes, sir. So there's a hard R in that? Well, it was a hard R in my... In your country? No, not my country. When I said it the first time, I'll repeat it again. Because I don't believe in racism, I'll repeat it again. But the word nigger doesn't exist. You don't have to believe in it, but it exists, my brother. We know. When you're not here, we say it all the time. I've been saying it in my head all night. Yeah. So, George. George.

1:32:56Detroit. George, what do you do for a living? What do you do for work, George? I do not work. How do you survive? I'm a privileged citizen of the United States of America. How do you have money? I don't have money. I live without money. I'm getting clothes, all of this. Dude, we got to call ICE. What the fuck is going on here right now? This is true. I'm not lying. So all of these clothes and shoes we get here because I'm a houseless. I'm not homeless. I'm a houseless man. What fucking Democratic USAid operation is funding these dudes with man buns coming to our country getting free clothes? Where do you live exactly?

1:33:35I live in the woods of the Zilker Park. Okay. Here we go. Let's talk about it. Now I'm interested. Do you have a tent? Do you have a tent? Do you have some kind of dwelling? I have a tent, but I'm not sleeping in my tent because it's too hot here in Austin. So I'm leaving my stuff inside the tent. But I sleep on the benches around the town. Okay. I sleep here in front of the churches, right? Yes. Wow. Look at you. So you choose to do that? I choose to do that, not to go back to my country. I choose to stay here. Have you thought about getting an American job and having an apartment with air conditioning?

1:34:15i'm not allowed to work i don't have a work permit so i don't want to cheat anymore in my life i'm not a cheater anymore wow yeah i learned not to cheat yes tell that to every mexican here

1:34:31i don't say a word hard workers yes what does your bracelet say my bracelet said god is big enough ah gotcha okay okay i was curious so yes sir george how do you pass the time what do you do during the daytime in the scorching texas one of the hardest places to not have air conditioning in the world correct how do you stay cool what do you do uh swimming in the pool in the morning garden springs is awesome libraries got ac hell yeah you don't feel it usually you don't feel when you have fentanyl on your system do you do drugs no i do not do drugs how'd you lose those teeth then i used to do drugs ah very good very good what drugs were you doing georgia uh all of them oh nice i'm just joking not all of them i i tried a lot of things like what i'm 36 years old So, yeah.

1:35:28What drugs have you tried? I tried MDMA, ecstasy, cocaine, weed. Weed is okay. And my favorite were mushrooms when I was doing drugs. Mushrooms were my favorite and weed. So nothing that crazy. You never smoked crack, never did heroin? No. Okay. I am aware of it. Right. What made you want to get clean and sober? How long has that been? Well, that's been for a couple of years now. No mushrooms even? No mushrooms even, no, sir. Wow. What made you stop? I mean, if you're going to fight it. I found God, sir. Where did you find him at? Was he in Zilker Park? I was riding. Was God in Zilker Park or Barton Springs?

1:36:07I've been looking for this fucking guy. You just found him, too. Anyway, I was riding in a semi truck because I was a truck driver for a long time. And one morning, he showed up to me. Where was he? He was your co-pilot? Was he sitting shotgun? Where did you see him at? yeah he was sitting right next to me and what happened what did he say to you he said that i'm gonna be a comedian he said that yeah oh he was joking no god has a great sense of humor god's love comedy yeah he does god loves comedy he does but you really feel like god told you to get your life together and uh you were driving but what made you stop driving semi-trucks uh Because it affected your citizenship?

1:36:52Because it's against the rules of your program to be here? Well, yes. My CDL was expiring. I didn't want to cheat anymore, as I said. You're the first honest man with a man bun I've ever met in my entire life. This is absolutely incredible. I appreciate that. Mostly man bun people are huge con artists. What's the hardest day you've had being basically homeless here in Austin, Texas? Any close calls with heat stroke or anything? No, sir, not yet. I go out for a cigarette for 10 minutes sometimes. I'm like, I'm fucking dying. I don't know if I can walk back across my terrace and get in my world-class patio doors.

1:37:30I don't know how you fucking do it. I guess cold water works, though. Cold water works. I have one of those, too. I have a cold water. Buses have amazing AC, so I'm riding the buses all day long. Nice. So, I mean, you talked about how you write a book about stand-up comedy, and you seem to be a fan of stand-up comedy. Have you written any jokes? Well, that's a good question. Mr. Redman? I love it when people call him Mr. Redman. He's usually a doctor. No, I didn't write any joke for the last maybe year now. Why? Why did you stop writing jokes? And what would make you sign up for the show without doing so?

1:38:13did you think it was the exact same audience when you from two years ago when you came out with the you thought they were just going to be like yeah right whole different audience yeah yeah i'm sure i didn't even remember the last two thing we go through so many episodes this thing we turn and burn fast um what do you think is the craziest thing about your life coming from montenegro and all of these different things. What do you think you could share with somebody out there, your biggest lesson you've ever learned or a view or something in your life? Once you find God, it's only a beginning, guys, of a suffering.

1:38:51And you're going to start suffering even more. Okay. All right. Well, I'm not happy that I asked that question. Here, my friend, here you go. Here's a little joke book. Next time, write some jokes. Come out here and try to make the people laugh. There he goes. I appreciate it. Georgia, Kirk Edgick, everybody. I know your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. I know for a fact he's got jokes. I know for a fact he's going to do them one after the other. Former, I mean, he's been on the show numerous times. Very funny, man. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Michael Ridley, everybody.

1:39:32Yo, do you guys feel like we're getting propagandized in the media a lot? lately? Like every fucking form of entertainment, music, television, movies, there's always some egregious form of propaganda that they're trying to put in our faces. I was watching the new trailer for this new Transformers movie that was coming out. Yo, tell me why this motherfucker Optimus Prime walks into the center of the screen, looks directly into the camera and says, we need to protect Israel from the Decepticons.

1:40:07I was like, yo, what the fuck are these ads right now, dawg? Megatron is an anti-Semite, and he must be stopped. I was like, bro, I gotta get YouTube premium. What the fuck is going on right now? Cut your penis off and become a woman. I was like, transform?

1:40:31What I've done, I changed myself.

1:40:42and then he turned into a star david and flew away i was like what the fuck fuck's going on all right thank you guys michael ridley ladies and gentlemen a local austin comedian yeah i knew it i knew you would do good there he is welcome back michael how's it going Dude, I'm fucking letting my nuts hang, dude. I'm having a blast. Perfect. Don't transform for anyone. I love it. Let it happen. Tell us about life, Michael. Life's good. Yo, what's up, Moses? How are you? I'm fucking running Austin's chapter of Roast Battle. That's been pretty good. Hell yeah. You're like hosting the show, weekly shows here?

1:41:23No, I'm running the chapter, so I'm booking bi-weekly. Bi-weekly, I love it. Happy Pride Month, hell yeah. Hell yeah. The only thing I like more than Weekly is Bye. I'm Nate. Michael Ridley. Hell yeah. So what else is going on? You got Rose Spaddle going on. The show created by Brian Moses that he let every city do a version of. Do you get a cut of that? No. Brilliant. Anyway. We're like third in the league. Austin is third in the whole international league. Well, that is breaking news. 52 cities globally, and you guys are number three because you guys do the best. Make it laugh for Austin. Who's one and two?

1:42:05Let me guess. New York? Yeah. Right, because they have to be. Yeah. Because you have to say that or else the whole thing's illegitimate if Austin's number one. When do you have Austin versus New York battles? Is that coming up anytime soon? It happens once a month at the Comedy Cellar. Oh, at the Cellar. So Austin's the away team on that. Yeah, yeah. In front of a New York audience. We usually bring New Yorkers here. New Yorkers come here, they get slaughtered by you guys. Oh, okay. Well, you should do that more often because that would be more honest rankings. Ooh, that's exciting. We love that bucket pool.

1:42:37Fun. Michael, give us something juicy. What's going on in life? Dude, I moved to Austin. I gave this city everything I had. I lost my truck, my mullet, and my dog, dude. There you go. That's our second country song of the night right there. Dude, I'm about to fucking. How did you lose your mullet? Take us through that process. Dude, it was just time, brother. Yeah. Sometimes when you're losing your hair, also hair is a woman's game, bro. Why the fuck you care what your hair looks like as a man? I caught myself being like, hold on. It looked good, though. You're like Theo Wong or something like that.

1:43:10Ooh, Red Band. See? Put him on a roast battle versus a New Yorker. Yeah, so I straight up just, dude, I just had to call it, brother. I went full on bald, brother. Oh, shit. Look at that. Yeah, dude. This was the toughest guy in Dedrick's prison, by the way. Nigiti. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You can take the red pill and go back to America. Wow. Guy from James Bond. Wow. Odd job over here. Yeah. Incredible. That's comedy. It's an odd job for sure. Wow. I love it. Everything's going good, though, bro. How'd you lose your truck? How'd I lose my... Sideswiped on 35, dude. Dude, fucking. Wow. CRV white, dude.

1:43:57Watch out for them. If they're white driving a CRV, I know this is crazy. An Asian guy being like, watch out for these people. Yeah. But I'm like a very, I'm a well-vetted racist. I have a lot of data. That's a female car. Yeah, CRV is a girl car for sure. Was it a blonde female? No, it was a goofy white guy from Kyle. Whoa. That's weird. There was an open mic around the hood. Oh, my God. Uh, the guy seems stoned or anything. Like, how could it just be a white guy from Kyle out there driving terribly? That sounds weird. But then again, Texas drivers are a whole different thing. Yeah. Like, as an Asian man, I'm like, you guys got to get it together.

1:44:38This is super bad. Yeah, I lost my truck. It was a nice truck, too. It was a Tacoma. Did he have insurance? Are you getting a new? Yeah, he did have insurance. That was a few years back. I lost the truck. I've taken many a L since I moved here, but I needed a W. It's a full moon tonight. Fuck it. Is it really? Yeah, it's a full moon tonight. I wanted to do good tonight. You did. You should try to do good in whatever condition the moon is in. I would really, yeah, I would really like waxing, waning, any really. The moon is still there. We're probably still alive, so I should probably be doing it.

1:45:08For sure. Right. For sure. Well, thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Okay, I'll let you go. No, you don't have to let me go. No, I'm letting you go. I was going to keep you up here and make you the next superstar, but no, I'm kidding. I'm joking. Okay, okay. You're fantastic, Michael. You're great. I am going to keep it moving along. There goes the great Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen. I love you. Bye-bye. Yeah. All right. When I saw Michael's name on the piece of paper, I was very excited because I know Michael Ridley. I knew he was going to do jokes. Just like I said, it happened again.

1:45:40Just like we had two 59-year-olds back-to-back earlier, we have two true, unbelievable joke-tellers, Austin comedians. This guy is one of my favorites. I have him open for me on the road in arenas, theaters, all the time. He's the fucking man. He's been on the show on panel. He's done minutes on this show. He's done it all. He's coming up with another brand new minute right now. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite, truly one of my favorite tough, young, rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for the great Ahsan Amman, everybody.

1:46:20We're at war with the Middle East again, which will do wonders for my act. Because I'll tell you what, the terrorist jokes were getting old. But now, 10 more years, baby. Shout out Ayatollah. I did think it was crazy we stopped funding the TSA right before we attacked Iran. I thought that was crazy. Like, I'm just getting into hockey, but I'm pretty sure you don't pull the goalie first period. I think you let them play some defense, you know? I mean, it's a long game.

1:47:03Because here's the order of operations with what happened in Iran. One, the government shuts down. Then we stop funding the TSA. Then we attack them. Then it comes out that the guy who bought the World Trade Centers a couple months before the attacks and suspiciously insured them against terrorism just bought another tower in Los Angeles. It's like, call me paranoid, but it is very American to run a remake 20 years later. That is what we do.

1:47:36An L.A. Hollywood remake of 9-11? That might not be that bad, you know what I mean? Like, this time the hijackers are all women. That's what it is.

1:47:48a female 9-11 that could be good you know what i mean we could get lucky they might miss the tower it's like damn you didn't hit the towers but you hit the curb how did you manage all right thank you that's the man himself what did i tell you that's my fucking guy with a minute and a half that I haven't even heard before. That's how impressive he is. Hassan Ahmad. A guy that's out here every single week. One of the guys that I remember when we were at Vulcan Gas Company, you and Derek Poston, we're smoking out on that patio and I told you guys, I'm telling you, I think it's happening here. I think you guys should move here and you guys fucking listened and you're working every single week since in the big leagues.

1:48:35Greatest move of my life is to come here. easy and you're just fucking crushing it and that's just again that's a minute and a half that i've never heard and we do shows together every single week every tuesday wednesday most thursdays here in austin yeah i like to write a lot of like stuff about what's going on in the news so it's like pretty new a lot of the time yeah i'm in la yeah if a plane did hit la it would make it better yeah it's fucking brutal right now it's a bunch of guys who are like georgie back there just doing fucking fentanyl and living in the woods it's disgusting what i loved especially asan is you came out you literally your first words were we're at war with the middle east again you're starting your joke immediately you're not pandering to the crowd going how we doing tonight what's up kill tony good to be back i lost my tooth remember i don't apologize like there's none of that shit You're into your setup.

1:49:26You're not wasting any time. It makes people extremely engaged and ready. They're like, wow, this guy's going to fucking bring it. And here he is. Yeah, that's the sort of thing when our young comics ask me about doing this, I tell them, like, man, just get into your joke. You have a minute. Nobody cares how the audience is feeling. We know. They're having a good time. Especially an hour and a half into the show. Right. It's just fucking fundamentals. And that works all the time. You know, unless you're literally going up first, cold opening a show, there is no need to go. How you guys doing? Are you ready for a great night?

1:49:57Anything like that. So, you know, start your joke. It's an ultimate lesson because it makes people lean forward and listen to what you're saying. So they don't want to miss the punchline. Hassan, what else is going on in life? Nothing much. Just just working, doing a podcast. Oh, you know what? Here's something interesting. I had anal for the first time. Whoa. Hell yeah. Did it hurt? did you poop the bed what happened happy pride book thank you it was what was his name how do you think i have to open for tony on the road

1:50:32that's right open up those cheeks that's the only way to do it no it was a nice it was a nice young it was a nice young lady yeah i will say this i you know there's a better option yeah that's how I felt about it afterwards. I was like, ah, this is fine. So did she ask for it? She's like, fuck me in the ass? Yes, yes. Wow. I've never brought it up before and after I did it, I was like, oh yeah, I don't need to bring it up again. Hell yeah. Yeah. I mean... That's a rare Pokemon right there when they ask for it. That's... Yeah. Usually when they ask for it means you got a small dick. I'm not gonna...

1:51:06Oh. She asked me before she even saw my dick. Wow. Snoopy. Look at that. She's a freak. Oh yeah, yeah. I'm pretty slutty sometimes. anal on the first night second night yes wow they could have a giant anus that is true a red band wants to know if it was a white girl it was a white girl wow what a slut where'd you meet this brought out uh i did shows up in tacoma oh tacoma washington where first base is anal hell yeah that's the good old part of the united states of america They don't want any of this pussy shit. Save the pussy for marriage. Attack that fucking shithole right now. What's up, you little terrorists?

1:51:53Get in my ass. I want you to fly your plane into my fucking tower, too. Oh, my God. I love it. I got a little Tower 7 action. Hell, yeah. I don't know what that means, but it works. Yeah. Oh, my God. I love it. So what's the review? Like, how'd it go? What'd you feel about it? Oh, like, I feel like I told you. This is, like, how I feel about it. I guess the way I had described it to someone was, like, it's, like, kind of, like, getting the fish fillet from McDonald's. In the sense that, like, I'm glad I tried one. Yeah. And if that's the only thing they had to eat, then I'd have one. but if there's options give me that number one baby give me that number one okay I thought you were gonna say cause it smells funny but that is one of the perks of being brown and Indian is your dick looks the same after anal and and the smell remains the same in the room it's incredible you know what's funny is that uh uh so Israel created this bomb with like bad smells uh huh and it didn't work on Indians cause they couldn't smell it Yeah, it turns out bad smells is our fire alarm beeping.

1:53:11Like, we just don't know when it's happening or why it's happening. It just happens. And a fun fact, I've worked with Hassan now for, I mean, really, what has it been, a decade? It's been 10 years, at least. Between the store and here. And I've never had you smell once. I've never smelled the smell off of you. My mom, when I was growing up, was really sensitive. She's like, I don't want you to be one of those brown kids that smell. Right, you mean all of them. whatever it takes let me ask you this this is a crazy question but we're very close so I want you to maybe help perhaps what could be considered I think maybe one third of the planet what advice would you give to other Indians or Bangladeshis or all the things out there if you could give a piece of advice on how you stay smelling great same question for you right after this but I noticed that neither one of you have B.O.

1:54:03and you both look like you would smell like the devil himself. But never a whiff. Never a whiff of badness. How do you do it? Man, I just like literally shower in deodorant. Isn't that something? Isn't that something, ladies and gentlemen? There's no secret? Can we get this somehow? Can we take this message and spread it all over India? Red Band, what's your secret? Because you look like you'd stink too. Sweet and sour sauce from McDonald's You just put it underneath the armpit before you go out There you go Unbelievable Unbelievable response Same exact answer Yeah, just showers and body wash Not that hard Amazing stuff Ahsan, you fucking decimated the whole set The whole interview The whole fucking ten years I've known you I've done nothing but watch you grow You're a badass on stage and off You're the fucking man Don't ever change The great Ahsan Ahmad Anything you want to plug or shout out?

1:55:01Yeah, check out my podcast, The Solid Show. We have a Patreon coming out, too, where I'll be doing cool history things on there. And on tour, asancomedy.com. Fuck yeah. That's the man. It's my boy, Asan Ahmad. Let's get one last bucket pull up here before we bring out the Beast. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Looks like a new name. Make some noise for Rodrigo Marin. everybody, Rodrigo Merritt.

1:55:35What's up, you guys? I like going to the park just to walk around, smoke some weed. You know, the two things that Greg Abbott hates.

1:55:58You know, guys, they're pretty cocky about their body count. Right? Like this one guy I know, he was like, my body counts like my credit score, bro. In the 300s. It's like, wow, you can't lease a car and you have herpes. That's... I'm a server at a restaurant, and I had a table call me a retard. Yeah, my manager, she went to go talk to the table to fix it. She goes, and she's like, Hey, we're sorry about that retard.

1:56:44Here's a gift card. Please come back. And I went back to the table, of course, and I was like... Go ahead, finish. I went back to the table and I was like, sorry about that, guys. All right, thank you so much. Rodrigo Marin. Welcome, Rodrigo. You've been on the show once before? Yeah, like about a year ago, yeah. Yep. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up in total? About three years almost. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I did two years in San Antonio. Okay. San Antonio, very nice. Is that still where you live or you live here now? I live here now. What do you do for work? So I weigh tables and then I also train people at a gym.

1:57:26What kind of training do you do? Personal training. Nice. Lose weight, fat to skinny. You're on deep in the show here. We've had a lot of crazy stories and stuff. What do you think is the most interesting fun fact about your life that we would find intriguing about you? um i grew up in chicago till i was like 13 let me ask it one more time about that actually anything crazy happen when you were in chicago that you remember uh yeah all the time uh one time uh i had my my bike stolen oh he's right here this is brian moses i thought you looked familiar yeah no uh no it was in my back oh you know how to continue sure yeah um your bike your bicycle was it was stolen in your backyard and then it wasn't and it wasn't but here's the thing i went to go look for it uh down the street and when i went uh there was a group of kids and one of them had my bike and i was like i was like hey that's my bike and he was It's like, oh, here's your bag bag.

1:58:37Wow. What did this group of kids look like? Can you describe the group of kids? Let's start with their skin color. Go ahead.

1:58:48Pretend he's a cop and you're very angry.

1:58:53What did these Chicago kids look like? Well, you already guessed one word. One word. Montenegro. I'm just kidding around. It was a black kid, though, right? It was different color kids. It was all of them. It was like a pot of... How about the one that had your bicycle? Really beating around the bush here. I don't remember his race. Ah, wow. I don't remember his race. I don't. Yeah, no snitching. Hell yeah. You don't stop. He could be watching. Hell yeah. Someone wants to do roast battle tournaments. Oh, that's fun. Rodrigo, what's your love life like? You kind of have like a Mexican Pete Davidson energy to you.

1:59:38You out there banging some supermodel or something? It was very original, by the way. No.

1:59:48I'm sure I made the same joke a year ago. No, the joke that every single comedian makes. Yeah, because you kind of look like a Mexican Pete Davidson. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. You're just cursed. I'm cursed. You can't take a shot at the guy making that joke. You look like a Mexican Pete Davidson. It's like calling me gay. It's like, yeah, take your shot. I come across as gay. I'm aware of it. I've been doing this 20 years. I hang out with bigger bullies in the green room than anybody that comes up here. But anyway, go ahead. Love life. I got dumped a couple months ago, actually. Okay. Why do you think the person dumped you?

2:00:27Asanamod's out there getting anal on the person. Meanwhile, you're getting dumped. like what goes wrong what what do you what do you think you did to get dumped i think i did there's bangladeshi boys just butt fucking american white girls and meanwhile you're out here getting dumped why do you think that is i mean he is missing the hair on top of his head asana mod just absolutely bangladeshi i mean It is crazy that he is absolutely nutting inside of pure, white, blonde, Tacoma, Washington girls' anuses. I mean, just blasting his Bangladeshi fucking... Anyway, go ahead. I don't know if they're laughing.

2:01:16I'm going to do it again if you guys keep laughing like that. I mean, let me just say, there's a real Durka Durka plowing the Durka Durka of an American girl. There is just a 7-Eleven going into a 2-2-2. There is a little stinky going into a little stanky out there in America. I could go on and on. Maybe she likes a little stink. Okay, why'd you get dumped? He's getting the dumper of a chick while you're getting dumped by a chick. Okay, go ahead. Honestly, I think I'm just an asshole, to be honest. What do you think you did that was asshole-ish? make fun of her and everything all the time. Wow.

2:02:02You're such a... Not like make fun of her like, oh, bitch, you know? What would you make fun of exactly? Just, you know, like, do the dishes. I don't know. Oh, anal again? Wow. Yeah, I don't know. Do the dishes? That was your roasting of her? Hey, Matt, keep it simple. All right, well. I can't even imagine a guy like you owning dishes. I feel like you're more of a paper plate kind of guy, really. You have dishes? I upgraded. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Saves money. All right. Okay. You stole the plates from work? I stole them. Rodrigo, fun times, man. You're out here trying your best. You know what? Here's the last big joke book of the night.

2:02:49I'll just give it to you. There goes Rodrigo Marin, everybody. There you go. So, you know, I'm in the giving mood right now. How about one more time for Asana Ma, butt-fucking old American girl. I mean, you just gotta love it. That is the American dream. I see the looks. I can tell which white guys have never butt-fucked a Tacoma girl right now. They're just staring at me like, how come he ain't gonna get you and not me? Write jokes, you f***ers. All right, we have made it to that part of the night where we have the absolute executioner of Kill Tony. I mean, truly. I mean, this guy is such a fucking freak.

2:03:25I'm just a fan. I say this now every week. I just get to sit back and watch because he is unbelievable. He is the one and only, the real deal. This is Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen.

2:03:42Folks!

2:03:48One time when I was a kid, I walked in on my parents having sex, because I heard screaming. And I thought, they might be having sex.

2:04:04I gotta check this out, you know?

2:04:10My grandparents, they recently hired a Michael Jackson impersonator for a family party. Fucked my nephew.

2:04:23Very realistic impersonation, you know.

2:04:30And I'll never forget my sister's first period. fucking bunk beds

2:04:43exactly one minute from the man you can count on like an abacus Pat O 'Neill Jesus dude absolutely amazing that crazy lady threw me off in the beginning hey it happens It's going to get probably a little bit crazier every week as people see, you know, as these episodes drop again and again and again. It's incredible what you're doing. We know. We've seen it all here. Thank you, sir. It's amazing. We talking anal sex out here? Yeah, we were. What do you know about that? You know anything about that? Yeah, I had it with a big gal. Ooh. Felt like the kid that got lost in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

2:05:31Augustus poop Oh my god On my cock Oh my god Pat O 'Neill Jesus God God Fuck man Holy shit I mean you are just such an undeniable part of this show. And what I love is I watch you every week. You know, you do your jokes. You know what you look like. You know the faces to make, how to deliver them. They're so on your tone and on brand. Like if they were written down, they're funny on paper. The way you do them, you take them to a whole nother level. Like the walking in on your parents, having sex, You doing that and the faces you make and the way you deliver it, it's just fucking amazing, man. Same thing with the Michael Jackson shit.

2:06:31I mean, Moses. It's just funny because these are real stories he's telling. It feels real. I know these are real. Comedy is truth. Yeah. Do you remember your first joke, the first joke you ever said on stage? Yeah, I was trying to point out how, like, little person is a much more offensive term than midget, and people in Providence, Rhode Island, were having no part of it. They did not give me a chance. Yeah, that's how it starts. That's how it starts. Stop trying to make serious points after that. Yeah. Well, Pat, I mean, you are just a closer of mass proportions. We fucking love you, dude. You're unbelievable.

2:07:13No one puts everything on it like you. We're lugging him to MSG in August. Two nights. You'll be in Vegas with us. We're going to have so much fun. I can't wait for you to do these giant venues. I can't wait to hear the crowd pop for you when you come out. I'm nervous. That's exciting. That's because you're a fucking professional and a perfectionist, and you have high expectations for yourself. That's where that nervous thing comes from. How about one more time for the great Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen? How much fun did we have tonight, huh? How about one more time for my good friend Brian Moses, everybody.

2:07:47He's got Roast Battle on YouTube. Go catch up with all the great Roast Battles. He's been running that fucking thing like a champ for about 13 years. You're coming up on your 13-year anniversary, right? This was a great episode because we had so many Roast Battlers on here. Check out the Roast Battle YouTube channel. We have all that stuff on there. We have so much fun. We riff a lot, that kind of a thing. All these comics up here tonight, you are fucking amazing, man. You've done an outstanding job. It's one of the most diverse shows you can ever see. everybody's outstanding on here, you're the fucking man thank you brother how about one more time for the great Dave Landau he's on tour check out DaveLandau.com that's L-A-N-D-A-U dot com, go see this man one of the great true professional comedians thank you for having me, I really appreciate it it's always great every time you come to Austin, pal, you're on he just closed an amazing weekend here at the Mothership truly, two great comedians one more time for Dave Landau, Brian Moses is the best damn band in the land, Red Band.

2:08:43Check out the Secret Show every Thursday at thesunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Have a great night, everybody.

2:09:23Thank you.

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2:11:07Thank you.

2:11:41Thank you.