#777 - MYLES JOHNSON + FUZZY KHILJI

21:30That was probably just asbestos or something like that. Were you around like all the pink shit? Our senior attic jerk-off correspondent, Brian Redman, is here, everybody. He knows if you hit the old itchy penis after a 13-hour attic jerk-off session, it's probably asbestos. it was not fiberglass no it was not okay all right robert do you have any special skills

21:54Brian Redban:or talents you seem like the kind of guy that can like jump rope through your own arms if they're connected somehow right like what is your special skill uh masturbating for long periods of time i guess wow so you do that a lot huh no not so much anymore i'm 30 35 now it doesn't last as long. Well, you don't look a day over 55. Thank you. I appreciate it. You only have one, one kid, 13? Yeah, it's just one kid. I stopped. Okay. Now, what do you think he's going to say when he sees daddy, let me see what you do. You chased your dreams. Dad, you chased your dreams. Like you told me I should. Can I see what you did?

22:31Brian Redban:And you talk about how you're pro-life unless it's your kid. You're basically saying you wish you got an abortion. Your charges are recently expunged and You're very well versed in Narcotics Anonymous and you jerked off in an attic for 13 hours. You have three assaults and batteries and you love meth and benzos. What do you think your 13-year-old boy... Oh, I gotta leave school now. Hey, Dad. How was Kill Tony? I just... I teach my son honesty, so he's used to the crazy shit. This kid is masturbating in an attic right now. What's going on? I learned it from you, Dad. I'm gonna beat your record, Dad.

23:09I'm so close. The boy's going for 14 hours. But God, he's jerking off like an animal. All right. Robert Stewart, I like your style. Congratulations. You were the first bucket pool of the night. There's a medium-sized joke book. But you can tell your 13-year-old it's a big one. He doesn't know any different. Appreciate you. All right. You guys get it. It's a crazy show. Anything can happen. Your next... Oh! Oh, my God. There she is, live in the flesh. You've seen her on YouTube. She's even prettier in person. The great Heidi, everybody.

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24:52Brian Redban:when you sign up for email and text. That's 10 % off at tecovas.com slash kiltony. Tecovas.com slash kiltony. See site for details. to covas point your toes west all right your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen on a show where absolutely anything can happen goes by the name of eddie lursa everyone it's eddie

25:16oh happy to be here i had a weird day i found a guy jerking off my mom's attic for a while

25:24i also used to be a drug addict but y 'all could tell Yeah, I don't have this spoon tattooed on my arm because I really fucking love soup, dude.

25:38And sometimes when I talk about it, people want to ask me if I ever did any gay stuff for drugs. I'm always just like, yo, where are you guys getting your drugs? I've never seen$100 a gram or five kisses. then that's the only addiction people are comfortable asking that for too right like you'd never go up to a big guy eating a twinkie and be like say brother did you suck a dick for that thing today or what no also there's no drug that makes you gay i've done them all you were already gay it might just so happen that cocaine is the key to your closet queen. Like, I don't know about y 'all. I've never gone out with the homies to pick up women, done a couple lines, and been like, actually, boys, do we even need them right now?

26:30That's my time. Thank you. Eddie Lursa. Making what I do believe is your Kill Tony debut. This is my fourth time on, actually. Fourth time on. Wow. Perfect. Very memorable. No, I'm kidding. You must have a new haircut. I didn't have this ridiculous haircut before. That is amazing.

26:46Brian Redban:What made you want to do that exactly. I got this haircut a year ago as a joke, actually, and I kept it because this is true. Every single day since then, at least one black dude's told me it's dope. Really? Yeah. Did you do that so that birds would stop landing on your head? Nah, I got one in there right now. That's what it looks like. It looks like the stuff they put on the top of little ledges outside of restaurants and whatnot. Just trying to look like the coolest PE teacher on the January 6th subreddit is all. What do you do for a living, Eddie Lursa? I part-time bartend and then produce shows and comedy.

27:26Brian Redban:How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost three years now. Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yeah. And tell us about the drugs you were on. This is a very drug-heavy episode so far, but we're going to keep the ball going because that's what you talked about the entire set. Yeah, I mean, I was drinking was my number one thing. That always led to the drugs. Are you sober now? Sober, yeah. Yeah, for almost three years. Is it tough being a part-time bartender while staying sober? No, it's actually not. At first it was. But now, to be honest, drunk people just like when I'm behind the bar, it makes me not want to drink ever again.

27:58Brian Redban:What's your trick to getting sober? What was it? What was your bottom? Which one? Well, I went to rehab and then it took like two and a half years to get sober. You went to rehab for alcohol? Alcohol and cocaine. Nice. There you go. And then I got out. I was sober off and on. And I mean, the trick is just kind of sad. I just kind of got tired of being sad and trying to kill myself. So I was like, maybe I'll stop now. Perfect. All right. Miles Johnson. What's the longest you've masturbated for? Good question. Definitely not 14 hours. Maybe five minutes. There you go. On cocaine? I'm an efficiency kind of guy.

28:42Wow. Eddie, what are you... That's impressive. Is that not impressive? Impressive in the way that... What? It's short? Your dick doesn't get hard on coke. No, I mean, you can masturbate for a long time on coke, but, I mean, nothing's really going to happen. I don't think you goon like that for real, bro. This guy's a fake gooner.

29:09Brian Redban:Eddie Ler, so what do you do for fun now, now that you're not drinking and doing blow dude it's i know you hate this answer but mostly just stand up right like it's actually one thing you said one time uh somebody was up here talking about how they didn't do you know how it is like they were off and on for 10 years and you were like no i was obsessed with this i slept in my car behind the comedy store because that's what i want to do and that's really all i have time for i go to work i go to the gym but that's more just what do you do at the gym exactly tell us what a guy with your build is doing at the gym What exactly?

29:41Brian Redban:Are you just getting protein shakes and then leaving? Just trying not to let the girls see me check them out for the most part like every other guy at the gym. I mean, just normal. Do you get like the pink weights and like go nuts? Only when nobody's looking, dude. Eddie, what else? Do you have a girlfriend or a wife or something? No, I haven't dated since I stopped drinking. It's way different not drinking and trying to take women out. There's only so many coffees you can go get before you shit yourself with a girl. Wow. So when's the last time you were on a date with a girl? Ballpark. Three years ago or so, I guess.

30:18Brian Redban:Three years ago. I haven't dated since I've been in Austin. No random one night? Well, I went to one date, a coffee date with a girl when I first moved here. And I was doing the apps and shit. And I was like, I don't want to waste my time doing this. And how did that date go? Not good? She said I seemed like I needed to figure some things out. She said that after just an hour or two with you? An hour and a half, maybe. Did you have that haircut at the time? I did not. That's where you went wrong. I know. Should have let her know the old burstle head was ready for action up there. This thing is a pussy magnet, buddy, let me tell you.

30:51That's right. A lot of people want to date an electric toothbrush.

30:58Brian Redban:So, Eddie, I'm just trying to figure out something compelling because your answer to what do you do other than stand up was stand up. I mean, there must be something. You must have some hobby or passion. I play online poker. a little bit. Not great at it. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I really don't. Unfortunately, I don't have... Stop laughing like that. Why is that so funny? He says he plays online poker and he sucks. I spend my nights losing money, pretty much. Oh, it's amazing. Amazing. When's the last time you kissed a girl, Eddie Lursa? three years ago, I think. Three years? I literally haven't done anything.

31:44I find that to be unacceptable. Kino, give me some red lights here. Is there a girl out there in this audience? We have the best fan base in the world. I'm sure. And I'm looking out there. There are some hot chicks just wasted on ketamine in this crowd. Is there a girl out there in this crowd that wants to come out and give this guy a real Austin kiss? He's been sober for three years. yeah, you might cut your hand on the top of his head, but it has to be, you have to recommend yourself. I hate his haircut. Nobody? Okay, there's one guy that wants to do it. She's not raising her own hand. There's a lot of girls that want their own friends to...

32:28Sarah's not doing it. Sarah's fucking around. She doesn't mean it. Sarah's trying to be... Ladies and gentlemen, here she comes, everyone. We're doing it. We have a real person. Wow. That's amazing. Representing the USA tonight. She's wearing a USA jersey. Eddie, you ready for your first real kiss in a lifetime? Here she is. Wow. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? USA. USA. USA! USA! USA! Here we go.

33:14That's amazing. Hell yeah. Absolutely incredible. Wait, Miz, come back up here. It's been four years for me.

33:32Okay. Eddie, fun times. here's a medium sized joke book thank you for signing up Eddie Lurza

33:44beautiful kiss from a beautiful angel here we go your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Fumio Flores everybody here comes Fumio Flores

33:59I weigh Austin my name is Fumio I'm from El Paso Texas fuck way I go to UTEP I'm a UTEP minor and I'm sitting in class way I'm like why the fuck are we called the UTEP minors it makes no sense and I came to a conclusion it's because our football team gets molested every weekend way they fucking suck they played texas bro and they got fucked and it sucks because i'm from el paso you know there's like they're deporting my cousins and shit right i'm over here like we're deporting the wrong people we should deport the fucking running back the fucking coach send them back where they come from like florida north carolina because at least my mexican cousins they can touch down in america

34:56the girls from utep dog they're a bunch of gold diggers bro

35:03they only want me for my fast of money thank you guys my name is fumio wow wow i mean i i i what is that why do you say all the time it's like my philo word because Mexicans use the N word, but I use way because I'm like polite. Right way? Checking in with my Mexicans over here. You say way a lot? It's like an El Paso thing, dude. It's like being or shit. Is that where you're from originally? El Paso? I was born in East LA, but I was like, my mind spawned in El Paso. It spawned? Yeah, like, my conscience, my conscience, I was like in El Paso. How old were you when you were in El Paso? How old?

35:45My mom moved from when I was like three years old, so I had no memory of Isolet. That makes sense. I was born there.

35:54Brian Redban:We know that. Yeah, we got that. Okay, Fumio. What do you do for work? What cell phone stand do you work at? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm not that smart. Nah, nah, nah. No way. No way, way. I have three jobs. I work for like, I'm an account manager for Massive Tickets. I also do like, I work for UTEP. I do like their event centers and whatnot. I move chairs. And I mean, comedy is like technically, because I've been getting paid recently. So it's like, yes, I'm like moving up. Who's been paying you? Who? Fucking Javi. Like just El Paso crew. Javi Balon. No, you got it. You had us at Javi. We don't need a last name.

36:36We understood immediately. You have one guy fooled. I love it. Javi's out there giving away his lunch money. He's getting bullied by East LA. He's awesome. He gives us opportunities. So, like, fuck yeah. Let's check in with Miles Johnson. You said you work for Master Ticket? No, Massive Tickets. It's like Eventbrite, but it's more catered to, like, comedy. It's more niche. It's awesome. It's Massa Tickets. It's to watch Slave Fights. They're Slave Fights. You buy them at Massa Tickets. Oh, these mandingos are going crazy, wait.

37:16Low jango on chain, wait.

37:19Brian Redban:Holy shit. Other than having three jobs, what do you think is the most Mexican thing about you? Oh, dude, I don't have insurance. I go to Juarez. You go to what? Juarez, Mexico? See that Juarez? Oh, my God. You go to Mexico for your health care? Fuck yeah, dude. They're way better than the ones in Americans. Like, America, they're just a bunch of Indians. So, like, you go to Juarez, at least I understand them in Spanish. You know what I mean? What do you mean they're just a bunch of Indians?

37:50I'm so sorry, Wei.

37:56Dude, he's so sorry, Wei. What are you studying at UTEP? I know it's on English. Yeah, I failed French, but I'm the digital media production manager. major.

38:09Brian Redban:Perfect. You took French? Say some stuff in French. Bonjour. Hey, bonjour. Wanna fucking back, gateway? Dude, I'm so sorry. I barely passed with a C dog. We know. That is not breaking news to us. Fumio, what's your love life like? Do you have any fucking little fucking... I have a wonderful girlfriend at home. She's fucking awesome. Is she Latina as well? Of course. Okay. Absolutely. What does she do for work? What does she? She doesn't work. She goes to school at Las Cruces. Okay. And she studies, like, the same thing as me. We're trying to, like, work for, like, Netflix. Okay. Now we're quirky.

38:54Brian Redban:Okay. Okay. You have any special tricks in the bedroom with her? You seem like a guy that loves making love way. Uh, I actually do. Yeah. Yeah. Miss Sofia, Mr. Juan, I'm sorry. Who are those people you're apologizing to? Her parents, Wade. Oh, okay. Okay.

39:20Brian Redban:I'm safe. I'm safe. Don't worry. We're safe. Hell yeah. You went to Juarez, got everything cleared up. Yes. Yes. So what's a special move that you do in the bedroom? How do you keep this woman pleased? How? I just pick her up, dude. She's like skinnier than me. I'm like pudgy. But, like, she's skinnier, and I can, like, I don't know, dude. We just do the shit, man. You know what I mean? Whatever happens, we, like, have Love Island in the background. We just do it. Hell, yeah. That's the trick nowadays. You have to have Love Island on in the background. Everybody knows that. You've been doing it wrong the whole time, Red Band.

39:55Yeah, Red Band. I just watched an episode of that shitty show. That's a horrible show. I love it. It's Hot People Zoo.

40:02Brian Redban:It's Hot People Zoo. Okay. Fumio, what do you get in your$7 Taco Bell box? No, I don't get like$7. I'm from El Paso, bro. We got tacos by the dozen. You go to El Cometa and get you some flautas. Okay. I see Carlos Sosa nodding his head over there. You had him hypnotized for a second. He snapped out of it. He saw me looking. I caught him. He saw me looking at him and he started laughing. But there was a moment there where he's like, I'm being telly. Yeah. I rob a la flautas. Whatever. I love it. I love it. You're 100 % Latino. Yes, sir. I'm kind of Japanese, like my grandpa's Japanese. I have a step-Japanese grandpa.

40:48I'm named after him. What's his name? Fumio Hayashi, and I'm Fumio Flores. Oh, my God. He's awesome, bro. He helped my family out. Wow. He treated my grandma like the queen, you know? So, fuck yeah.

41:00Brian Redban:Wow, amazing. Look at that, Fumio. You have any hobbies or special skills or talents? I can't sing but you whistle do you have a good Mexican whistle I think I got a beat though let's try I do it yeah very good very good Fumio very good you are We're indeed leaving here with a medium joke book. There goes Fumio Flores, everybody.

41:39Fumio, Fumio, put that back where you found it. Arigato, Wayne.

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42:39Experience it yourself at BlueChew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get hard right now. When you buy two months of Blue Chew Gold, you get a third free with promo code Tony. That's promo code Tony. You will also receive an additional 10 % off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. and we love Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast and our bedrooms. All right. We're having fun in here. These bucket pools are wild tonight. Make some noise for the next one. It's a one-word name. It's Teresa, everybody.

43:21Who's ever fucked an illegal?

43:29The younger the better, right?

43:37I like fucking illegals because if the relationship goes bad, you don't even have to block them. You can call them and say, the relationship has gone south and so are you.

43:54We freed the slaves.

44:00when are we gonna free the n-word

44:10y 'all y 'all my pussy's soaking wet tonight any wet pussies where the wet pussies at my pussy is soaking wet with period blood

44:29You think black girls have regular periods or are they on time? Are they late? Teresa, everybody. Teresa. Hey, you're going for it.

44:43Brian Redban:That's for sure. You're going for it, Teresa. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. I love it. Where at? What part of El Paso exactly? Exactly. San Antonio. No, here in Austin. Okay. Is this where you're originally from? I was born in Malaysia, raised in Seattle. Okay. How long ago did you move to Austin? Four years ago. And you're Malaysian? Yes. All right. And you were in, how old were you when you moved to Seattle? Like a year old. Oh, okay. Perfect. Amazing. That's like Fumio. He moved to El Paso when he was three. A little fun fact for you. Thank you. You guys will be on a show together real soon.

45:27Brian Redban:Javi's going to pay you well. Let's check in with Miles Johnson. You're fucking Asian. I'm half Chinese. No, mames. So you're half Chinese. Half white. Half white. Half Chinese, half white. I'm not, no. Do I look Mexican from back there? Yep. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think we all thought that, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, Fumio left so much Latino energy on that stage that I think everyone kind of looks Mexican right now. I'm Mexican on the inside. I bet you are. So, Teresa, what do you do for a living? Well, after I got fired from being on the show last time. You got fired because you were on Kill Tony?

46:20Brian Redban:Yeah. Why'd you get fired? Well, I said a lot of wild shit, and I worked in education, so... Wow. Now I'm Mexican. I'm a landscaper. I clean houses and, you know, Mexican shit. What kind of landscaping are you doing? Well, I don't want to fucking say where I work, you know. Oh, definitely don't say where you work. I can't get fired. Do you mow lawns? I like water plants and, you know, just make sure they stay alive. Okay. Yeah. Keep them wet. I love it. All right. Do you have a boyfriend right now? I do, yeah. What does he do for work? He doesn't have a job. Oh. He's a Mexican without a job, but he's working on it.

47:07Brian Redban:Okay. Yeah, boo him. How long have you been with him? I've been with him for a month and a half, and he doesn't love me, but he fucks me. What do you mean he doesn't love you? let's talk about he doesn't love me he just doesn't yes what you asked him you're like do you love me um okay long time um well his roommate he's been with a girl for three weeks and they're like planning how many kids they're having and you know what size vehicle and everything so his roommate's also Latino. He's Italian. Oh, wow. Shout out Enzo. Shout out what? His name's Vincenzo. He goes by Enzo. Okay. Yeah. Alright.

47:51Brian Redban:So he's been with a girl for three weeks. They're planning kids already. Yeah. Okay, so that's gonna that's perfect. That's gonna go great. And you're jealous of Enzo. Yes. The roommate. Because he loves his girl so much that he just met. And you're sitting at about twice as long you're about six seven weeks with your guy and you're upset that he doesn't love you well i was engaged after a month with uh a mexican so he's why are you doing this what are you doing well i i i did come right out of a like a psych ward at that time so okay how did what made you go into a psych ward how did you know you were ready for a psych ward well Well, the people around me were telling me that.

48:38I did shrooms for the first time, and it was too much.

48:41Brian Redban:Yeah, okay. And so can you take us through that? Like, what happened? What were some signs? You know what I'm asking you. Like, what were you doing that your friends were like, you should get help? Well, I also don't spell very well. I had a sign. I wanted to tell people I was a rapist. I spelled that wrong. But why would you do that? Why would you tell people? insane off the freaking drugs man so you wrote a sign that's your goal was to say i'm a rapist no i wanted to say i was a rapper which i'm not please don't ask me to rap but why would you okay wow look how many dumb bitches are out there look at that not a rapper yeah i was like i was running around naked doing cartwheels you know there you go that would be the answer to the question from a few minutes ago.

49:30Brian Redban:Mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling. Naked cartwheels goes as the answer to going into a psych ward. Very good. Okay. Well, Teresa, this is exciting. So now you're a landscaper and a house cleaner. House cleaner. Yeah. Amazing. And you're not Mexican. I'm not. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And you like saying the N-word? Is that why you were a rapper? What's going on with that? No, I actually really rarely, like, you know. You rarely what? I rarely, you know, let it slip. Give us an example of a time that you've said the N-word. This is very exciting to hear a Chinese person talk about dropping an N-bomb.

50:18You know, just singing a song. Oh, yeah. Singing a rap song, you know, sometimes. Okay. It's your filler word. You just got to say way instead. Yeah.

50:33Brian Redban:Okay, you're safe. Before I let you go, let's go through this. What do you think is the most Chinese thing about you since you're half Chinese? Oh, most Chinese thing about me, my mom doesn't love me because I'm fat. Uh-huh. That's a good one. You are correct. That checks out. Does your mom have a wacky Malaysian name that she calls you? I've learned that by studying Asians that they all have a white name like you, Teresa, but then their parents call them a very Asian name. What does your Asian mother call you? Well, I can't pronounce my middle name. You can't pronounce it? No. Okay, what's that?

51:10Brian Redban:Try. Tsun Tsun. Wow. How's it spelled? J-E-N-C-H-E-N. Wow. Heck yeah there. That'll count. We'll count that as the, is that what your mom calls you? No. What does she call you? She rarely calls me. Got it. All right. Teresa, you are the fourth comedian in a row leaving with a medium joke book. Here you go. Very good. Teresa. There goes Teresa. A bunch of dirty jokes. If she keeps doing it, she's going to get good at that. She's going for it. She's got balls. Takes balls to do an N-word joke, a slave joke, an illegal joke, a period, wet pussy joke. She was looking right at me. She did a little point.

52:03She was like, God damn it. There's a black guy up there. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Joel Lindley, everybody. Here we go. Oh, shit.

52:21Oh, you're struggling. I'm having a hard, tough week. got kicked out of a casino last night playing blackjack. There's a guy playing next to me with a prosthetic arm. Like, hey, buddy, haven't you lost enough?

52:38You don't appear to be the lucky type.

52:43I'm a practical joker. I love this. I go to a gun shop, ask to see some handguns. They'll lace them across the counter. I'll pick one up and go, hmm.

52:58Nah.

53:02Let me see that one. Oh, that feels good. That look good to you? Yeah, you wrap that up for me. Oh, and give me one bullet. That's right, I'm gonna charge that.

53:22I was like we're going to need cash for that I'm like fine fuck it I'll pay cash but now I want two bullets

53:34thank you ladies and gentlemen

53:35Brian Redban:thank you my God Joel you were just on am I correct I'm what you were just on this show I was just on last week I feel like oh my God you're a lucky guy unbelievable man I feel like this I was wanting to say this last time i didn't know if i got it out i feel like after 40 years in the minor leagues 40 years i mean the major leagues tonight yeah you are you're very lucky that's it well this is you're signing up i'm up in here i came here a month ago yeah i mean i expect i'll make man i'll wait two years if it took me two years to come here i'll wait two years i mean you don't you you just did it you did it i mean there was a guy earlier that can't believe he got on he signed up and then here you are two weeks in a row i would have dressed different i said well they're not going to pick me two weeks in a row so i didn't really dress appropriately but hey it's fine uh so let's talk about it joel uh what did we not cover last week that you think might be interesting to talk about well i think it's interesting that um i lost my best friend john marooney who was a uh a legend as you probably remember uh at the comedy store uh he was supposed to i don't actually remember him but i remember brian holtzman yeah who uh recently mentioned john mulrooney slipped on ice and died well that's one way to die from ice

55:00right we're all afraid of black ice black ice that's right absolutely except for miles here He's one of the good ones. Don't worry, you guys are cool. That's right. So what about John Mulrooney? Well, we were supposed to move here together. He was excited about coming down here and moving here. And he didn't make it. But I came. And I think that's interesting. I don't know. He's a legend, the guy. And he loved what was going on here. Yeah. In Texas and what you guys were doing here.

55:29Brian Redban:Yeah. Couldn't be a part of it. Awesome. I can't remember what we talked about last week. Have you been married before? No. I have no kids. My mom has been telling me, you should have a family. Is your mom still alive? Yes, she is. Amazing. She's doing great. Mom's 89. Wow, 89. Look at that. Ethel? Is her name Ethel? Joyce. Joyce! 89 years old. No, she is healthy. She has a younger boyfriend. Still shaves her pussy. Absolutely incredible. How fucking cute is that? Absolutely incredible. That's great. She's got the runway. It's like a snow-covered runway.

56:12You're a funny guy, Joel. No, my mom, I'm serious. She works, you know, she likes me. And she's still expecting you to have kids? How old are you, Joel? I'm 59, but I read at a third-grade level.

56:21Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing. It's good for your skin. Pretty sure you're the smartest guy that's been on this show so far tonight. I was in special ed, though. That's true. I was a slow learner. Wow. Well, look at you now. Yeah. You're absolutely crushing it. You're 59. Have you gotten your sperm count checked lately? I don't have to. I got a vasectomy at 32. My gift to the world. You got a vasectomy at 32? Yeah, you're welcome. Wow. This is a true story. A girl that was trying to get pregnant. I found out she was trying to get pregnant through a friend of hers. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to go get a vasectomy because I want to keep fucking her.

56:58And I really don't want to have kids. And they're reversible. So I did that. She took me to get it. She thought I was getting my colonoscopy. Oh, that's brilliant. And then you just blasted inside of her. Oh, yeah. I'll be taught. You were done with her. Oh, yeah. She was trying hard. I mean, I'd be in the shower. I'd look in the bedroom. She's not like, I'd put her legs in the air.

57:16Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Look at that. The 80s were crazy, people. Life was crazy in the 80s. Damn. Well, yeah, I'm old enough to remember. We didn't have bisexual girls. They were dykes. That's right. That's all there was. That's all there was. Right. They were manly women. Absolutely. They weren't going trans back then. Hell no. They just played dress up and cut their hair. That was it. That was it. They weren't getting any operations. They weren't trying to turn their pussy into a wiener. That's it. I get called transphobic. People call me transphobic because I don't date transgender. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's kind of like more of a medal of trust, isn't it?

57:57I mean, if you're willing to cut off your own penis, why in the world would I trust you with mine? Brilliant. Joel, you are fantastic. This guy's got 40 years of jokes pent up inside of him. Thank you. What else, Joel? I'm single, and I hate being single, Tony. Yeah, tell us. I'm at that age now, you know, I just want to meet a nice girl, settle down, start cheating on her. I love this fucking guy. What else, Joel? Tell me more. It's time. Oh, I dated a model. Yeah? One of the heavier models for the larger size clothes. Uh-huh. You've probably seen her. She's very successful. Her name's Before.

58:37You son of a bitch, Joel. You get me every time. I love big women. I'm a big guy. I love big women. But this bitch was too damn big. How big was she? We couldn't even have sex. Every time she got on top of me, I'd tap out.

58:54Wait, then what? I couldn't get on top of her. I'm afraid of heights. Oh, my God. He did it again. Joel's got the joke. Joel's got the joke.

59:09Brian Redban:Holy shit. I've been waiting my whole life for this fucking moment. It's amazing. And you were doing comedy back when the Tonight Show where people were watching. I got rejected from the Tonight Show. Your mom's the last person watching Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah, my mom's woke. She's woke. Is she? My mom is too. It's crazy. Oh, it's crazy. They think they have it all figured out because they're watching the fucking local news. it's bought and paid for they have no idea, they can't fathom that what they're seeing isn't real it's crazy, isn't it? my mom believes if you don't hate Donald Trump you're a bad person I told Trump when I met him that my mom hates him we high-fived and laughed about it

59:52you're the man, dude, what can I say? you have jokes built up inside of you you're fucking doing it I wish these goddamn kids would understand that the interview part of the show is an opportunity to continue to be funny. You fucking get it. You're out here putting on a clinic. You're from a whole different fucking era. But I love it. You're living the fucking dream, dude.

1:00:16Brian Redban:Two weeks in a row is like really crazy rare. So the comedy gods are looking down upon you. Yep. Comedy gods and John Mulroney. Yeah. And you probably took John Mulroney, one of John's spots. he probably would have gotten up this week instead of you well look at him he really slipped up no more Mr. Ice guy who knows I may have killed him yeah that's pretty genius I like that anything to make it on top could be me could be you the freeze is coming 200 comics out there you're beating the odds Well, thank you again. Well, you got a big joke book last week, right? I did. Well, there you go. Keep fucking filling it up.

1:01:05Brian Redban:No need for another one. Joel Lindley, ladies and gentlemen.

1:01:16Brian Redban:You know, it's funny how your priorities change. When you're younger, you're worried about making rent or surviving a bad comedy set. Then one day, you realize if something actually happened to you, The people you care about would be the ones dealing with the mess. It's not the most exciting conversation, but it's an important one. That's why I like what Ethos is doing. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to$3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com slash kill Tony. Red band, you need life insurance. You can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and it's all 100 % online.

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1:02:07Brian Redban:So take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash kiltony. That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash kiltony. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. We need Hans Kim and some chopsticks. Hans Kim, one of the great regulars of the history of the show. And it is time for us to bring up one of the brilliant regulars. It is not easy doing a brand new minute every single week on this show. Expectations are high. Everybody thinks they can do it. They can't. It's not easy. But this man can't. He does over a minute every single week of new material.

1:02:49Ladies and gentlemen, he was once the dark storm of Atlanta. and now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

1:03:03What the? Yeah, your boy fresh out the bento box. Yeah, that was me on that AI video getting arrested in Japan. I did that. They took it away from me. But now I'm back in the greatest country in the world. United States of America. God, I love it. What I don't like is when I landed, like, I feel like this country is getting way too soft. Like, there was people online trying to talk shit about me going to jail, but that's not even the first time I went to jail. So I wasn't that worried about it, nor was anybody who loved me, because everybody who I've met in my entire life went to jail. Like, that's where you go to become a stronger person.

1:03:47And I knew it was a weak-ass nigga commenting, because he was using non-gangster words to say what happened. He was like, Dedrick, you just squandered your opportunity. Whatever that means, my nigga. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't even... It's the first time I squandered. And then I started noticing that the countries get weak. We got it tightened up because I went to go look for a car. And this is the first time my license has been good. I finally got my license back good. So I went to go look for a car. But then I got upset and I left because as soon as he showed me the first car, he's trying to sell me the car.

1:04:25He's like, hey, sir, this car has automatic windshield wipers. Nigga, who is that for? Is this country so weak we don't know what the fuck rain looks like? Is this country so trash at driving that y 'all don't know what to do when the rain starts. You hit the whoop, whoop, whoop. It's not, it's right by, listen, I get it if you don't know your turn signal. I don't know what my turn signal is either. But I've never been in a shambles being like, oh, it's raining. What do I do if only technology would take over that? You think jail is hard, my nigga? Let me tell you about my life. You ever drove around with no AC, right?

1:05:06No AC, no power steering with manual windows going down the interstate when it start raining, nigga. It's not. That's the first thing you turn on. now you gotta reach back and manually roll up all four windows while still going 75 miles a fucking hour but you can't roll them up all the way because then the steam will come up and you can't see it look like a crab boil right it look like a crab boil in your car so everybody who ain't hey see no you got one shirt you keep on the back seat and then you wipe the window with that shirt you've never worn that shirt ever again that's my time i love y 'all Dedrick Flint.

1:05:45I've been there. I've been there.

1:05:49Brian Redban:My defrost went off when I lived in Columbus, Ohio, fresh out of high school for a year. And I had a 15-minute drive down to campus. And I used to have to go fucking Ace Ventura style, head out the window during the winter on the freeway. Just had to fucking... John Dees is loving this. He's patting behind me. And that's a real thing. freezing fucking cold. But yeah, I had the shirt. The wipe only goes so far. You'd only get this window, so if something happened over here, then it's up to God. Yeah. If the guy in the right lane gets in the left lane, you're dead. Oh, he's dead. You know what I'm saying?

1:06:26Like, you know what I'm saying? These are old school cars. Everybody dies. Yep. Yep. No doubt. No doubt. I love it. I love the squandered thing. That was what? What does that even mean? How do you... I like squandered. Everybody, like I was, like Nelson Mandela spent 40 years in jail. And then after that became the president, my nigga. I said 23 days. That wasn't enough to change me into the president. Like y 'all got to just let it happen. You know, jail is cool. That's where you get to collect all your thoughts. Like that's where I got to like, after like the 17th day, I realized I had thought of everything that you could think of.

1:07:06I watched, like I used to watch like movies in my head. because like the movies I used to watch on VHS that I would rewind, I know them verbatim. So if you want to hear Shrek, my nigga, I could do it anytime. Or like Princess Diaries. And then after the movie, I was like, okay, let me spend some time on myself so I would gather all 500 niggas that work in my brain. And then I listened to all of them. And then we said, you got to work harder. Yeah, yeah. I wish more people and brains told people that. Yeah. Well, they got to go to jail, Tony.

1:07:42Brian Redban:We will see. I love that you know the word verbatim, by the way. You used the word verbatim properly there while not knowing what squandered means. Because they don't even teach. Like, I knew verbatim. I went to college. I graduated. I got a degree in ethics and philosophy, but that nigga never said squandered. I didn't know. There's like a big... I didn't know. Like, certain words come from opportunities, I guess. I guess you can't really squander a job at Wendy's. I don't think you can.

1:08:14We got the boys up here tonight. How about this? My dogs. How y 'all doing, man? What's up, man? Nice to see you, brother. I thought y 'all had all that. No, they're a little different, but... Are those suits y 'all already had? No, I got mine for tonight. How'd you get the hole in the crotch? Yeah, I got a little... He has a hole in his crotch. I have a hole in my crotch. It's funny not to mention it during the show, but... It happened when Heidi walked out. There's no way I could squander that opportunity. You didn't damn squander the eyes of your pants, nigga. It's a word. I love it. You guys have any...

1:08:55What's squandered in Spanish, Carlos? See, Mexican niggas don't even squander nothing. This ain't even my word. Only white people can squander. and hoodwink and bamboozalize a nigga did you make any friends in japanese too yeah i made friends with everybody the cops love me everybody they but they didn't speak a lot of english we only had like this device where they do like like talk to text like on a thing but it didn't work that well so they had to like walk away speak japanese i would put it in and they would like roll it down so i would try to slide in a joke every time and so every time i did slide in a joke they'd be like super comedians very nice nobody even called me a criminal they just only called me a super comedian every time i was selling but yeah i did i made friends i got a sensei we started doing like yeah i'm doing i'm doing real good i get what are you about to do you want me to catch it no i'm gonna kill a fly

1:09:56Brian Redban:i'm gonna kill a fly give me some chopsticks i'll catch the fly you did that did you do that in Japanese prison where they're... That's the first thing they teach you, Tony.

1:10:06Brack Martin is very good at catching a friend. Oh, man, that nigga... He know better than to fly around this motherfucker. This is... The man is... I learned how to be blind in a samurai and I've been waiting to tell you that. I appreciate you being here and playing the bass. That's how I am now with comedy. I'm blind to the bullshit.

1:10:29Brian Redban:Dedrick, you're absolutely killing it. Thank you so much. You did it again tonight. I love y 'all. Thank y 'all so much. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dedrick Flynn. Michael, do you prop the door open when you load in your drums? No. I'm trying to figure out how these fucking flies got in here tonight. I know a lot came in with Teresa. They were swarming around Teresa's head. She is on her period. She said she's on her period. The flies are flying tonight, folks. I do believe this next bucket pool is one of the people that arrested Dedrick Flynn by the looks of this name. Make some noise for Ty Wynn, everybody.

1:11:09It's the return of Ty Wynn.

1:11:17I've been doing stand-up comedy for in-aving years now. So that means for in-aving years, I've been drinking nothing but PBR. Anybody here that drinks shitty beers, we all drink it because we have one thing in common. We're not drinking it for the taste. Same way we don't eat booty for the taste. We do it due to insufficient funds.

1:11:57I'm actually doing better than my older brother. He's a parkour artist. If you don't know what that is, it's the art of throwing all your parents' hopes and dreams out of the window. My little sister, she's the most successful one in the whole entire family. She's a gastrointestinal doctor. And she's so good at her job that she can smell your farts and tell you how many months you got left. Thank you.

1:12:30Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, Ty Wynn. We've known Ty for a long time. All the way since Los Angeles, right? Austin. We met you in Austin. At Spider House. But y 'all did tell me to come to Los Angeles. That's right. That's when we were based out of L.A. We came and did one on the road at Spider House Ballroom. Yes. Welcome back, Ty. Well, I'm happy to be here. I signed up because I thought Kanye West would be on the panel. Not tonight. Not tonight. But still we have Malcolm X. Absolutely. Are you talking about me or Fuzzy? Hey, I've been watching you guys from backstage and you guys were quiet as a mouse. What is going on?

1:13:12Do you want to join panel, Ty? What's going on here? No, I was like, you know. I don't know. I thought I'd just go up and bust their balls to have something to say. You did. You just busted their balls. Yeah, now they're self-conscious. Now they won't even speak. They might as well do sound effects. What's your fucking problem, Ty? I mean, just like Kanye West, you should say something controversial, and you go viral. Wow. What was it like being Dedrick Sensei? I mean, he eats a lot. He sleep a lot. Okay.

1:13:55Brian Redban:Ty, tell us about your life What have you been up to? You've been doing stand-up for 11 years But catch us up with the other stuff I'm working on a rap album It's like a mid-90s East Coast rap album About stand-up comedy You want to rap right now? Why don't you give Michael a little beat Make sure he doesn't play it too hard So that people can understand the words that you're saying This song is on the album It's a song I wrote 10 years ago Okay, wait let me ask you this is it is it copyrighted because youtube if it flags on youtube because they have robots if they recognize it off of a thing that you've already had it published on no it's not published it's not published it's actually not good enough to be published are you sure not if i don't roll my house okay and don't want to catch it all right give uh give michael the beat.

1:14:49Tell Michael the beat that you want. I guess I'll just rap and then y 'all can do the beat behind me like last time. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't seen an Asian from Pflugerville rap before, you haven't lived. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ty Nguyen. So this song is about, you know, how when you're hungry and you don't have money to pay for food, so you have to use what your mom gave you. I go, one pussy licking, That's some church's chicken When I stick it in her That's a steak dinner When I come inside That's some french fry Snaking dicks for meal That's a damn good deal Bottom line is My stomach can be empty Cause if I'm hungry Then my dick get wimpy No I'm not a pimp I don't need the money I just want the food Like a third world country Order some take out Then we can't make out I don't want booty when I tell you bring them cake out I'm talking about food, I'm talking about dessert I'd rather see you cook than I'd rather see you twerk You wanna turn me on?

1:15:59Turn the oven on You wanna turn me off? Turn the oven off You wanna get some dick? Cook like a champ You want your booty neck? Get some food stamps

1:16:16Wow Wow Hey I just know Fuzzy had to slang Hell in the dicks to get that big Wow You keep going after the panel What the fuck's the problem bro I thought we were friends Until y 'all made it you're on a panel and you'll never reach back. You'll never ask me to be on anything at the mothership. I tried to get on the rap. You wouldn't like me. I said, I have 16 for your ass. You left my ass on rad.

1:16:55Oh, a little quiet now, huh? A little quiet now. Fuck you. Yeah.

1:17:08Look at that. I was going to say something about Israel, but I thought not for my career's sake. Since I'm here, I am looking for more headlining spots. I got good news for you. Don't edit this out, man.

1:17:23Brian Redban:Javi is hiring right now. What? There's a guy named Javi who's paying people to do shows. It's been like an inside joke based on the previous contestant. Yes. Well, actually, you're a very smart type. You let your Asian side out there and you are correct. There's a guy named Eddie Lursa who's getting paid to do comedy and he's only been doing it three years and he's getting paid by Javi. Javi, is that a cocktail member? It might be. Yeah, is it?

1:17:58Brian Redban:Ty, what else is going on in life before I get you out of here? Anything else crazy we should know about? Are you in love yet? I host a weekly Tuesday comedy show at the Green Room at 8 p.m. Okay. Yeah, don't edit that out, Red Band. I really need this. And the headlining stuff. That's great. You know how tough it is to be a comedian and try and get headlining spots. Very much so. No doubt about it. But, Ty, you're a very funny man. Thank you. Do you still have your comedy show at your house every week? Yeah, every Wednesday at 8 p.m. That's great. And I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

1:18:33Oh, thank you. There you go. Catch us Tuesday at the Green Room, Wednesday at his house, and Thursday at the Secret Show. Ty Wynn, everybody. All right, we're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. There's the lovely Heidi. I mean, my goodness gracious. Have you ever seen anything? What a smoke show. Thank you, Heidi. On to the next one, everybody. This looks like a fun name. Goes by the name of Uncle G, everyone. Here comes Uncle G.

1:19:08I popped my first cherry when I was 15 years old. I've been slapping ass for 54 fucking years. Had everything from jailbait to myths. These days I'm working for griffs. Grandmothers I like to fuck. This lady now, she's a great, great grandmother. makes me a great-great-grandmother fucker.

1:19:40No, no, no. She's 69 years old, y 'all. Told me her day she was a cougar. I said, hell, baby, at your age you're a saber tooth.

1:20:0069 years old, but she showed me a sex move, can't no young woman show you. How many of y 'all ever heard of a sex move called a 138? 138. That's when you have 69 with a 69-year-old. I give you slow fuckers time Do the math My man Welcome Uncle motherfucking G Has arrived to the Kill Tony universe And I love your style Holy shit What part of Louisiana are you from? I'm from Atlanta man Atlanta

1:20:37Brian Redban:With a thick accent like that You said Kuga at one point I don't know I say this shit like When I'm in Atlanta I don't have no fucking accent. Damn. Y 'all do. Wow. Look at you. You are fucking killing it. Uncle G, how long you been doing stand-up? I started late in life. I didn't start until I was 57. How old are you? That must have been 30 years ago. I'm 68 now. Okay. 68. Fuck you too, man. I love it. You're 68. You're fucking killing it. I mean, you didn't waste any time. I didn't have no fucking time to waste. You're damn right. You're damn right. I love it. my god I love it you're damn right again I'll say it again it's another thing I wish fucking everybody understood when they got pulled out of this bucket you gotta come home motherfuckers oh I love this guy I love you what have you been doing your whole life what made you start so late I was a mortgage banker for a banker for forever did you do good for yourself you made some money I'm sitting on a bank oh I could tell those eyebrows went way up your forehead when I got to there I got older and my friend said, you're dating these women, man.

1:21:44You got to lower your standards. I said, fuck that. I'm raising my allowance.

1:21:52Brian Redban:Take us through it. What else, Uncle G? What have you been doing? Tell us about your life. Give us some fun facts. Well, I do motivational speaking on suicide awareness of all things. You really do? I had two brothers commit suicide and the third one tried. and now I got a book The Ballad of Uncle G from Suicide Survivor to Stand-Up Comedian. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm doing a lot of good shit. Wow. I love that. Wow. When a doctor asked me if I was suicidal, I said, no, motherfucker, but I get homicidal. Damn right. Damn right. But I started dating when I was in rehab. Tell us about it. Started dating as schizophrenic.

1:22:37Had to break up with her twice

1:22:42This is the craziest fucking woman You'll ever meet in your life y 'all She had two distinct personalities One was named she And the other one was named her She wasn't nothing like her

1:23:01Fortunately when I met her She was in remission so I take her to dinner one night and damn it she don't show up she's into me but hell I'm into her I didn't care I took them home I'm into her she's into me you ever had a three way with just two people in a fucking room finally I looked at her and said she gotta go her response was if she goes I go I said y 'all both get the fuck out of here Uncle G I'm in love with you Uncle G, we need some wisdom in this room.

1:23:37Brian Redban:My boy here, this guy right here, this is two of the funniest upcoming guys in the world. This is Fuzzy right here. Meet Fuzzy. Nice to meet you, Uncle G. Let me tell you something. A girl left Fuzzy for Drew Nickens. You don't even want to know, buddy. Let's talk about it. Get back to that microphone. Let's talk about it. You crazy. I got three ex-wives. Okay, let's talk about these ex-wives. Tell us what you've learned, Uncle G. Well. What'd you learn from these ladies? I learned quite a fucking bit, actually. I learned how expensive divorce is, y 'all. Three divorces, between alimony, child support houses.

1:24:18I spent a million, too. You know why a divorce is so expensive? Why? Because it's fucking worth it.

1:24:33I love this man. You guys have been calling me gay for 13 years. I have a confession. Uncle G's my motherfucking man. One more. You want to get divorced again? Let's do it. No, no, no. What was it? But I did the math, y 'all. I was married a total of 40 years. Got laid twice a week. That's 4 ,000 pieces of ass. Do the math. Cost me$300 every time I got laid. I done quit buying pussy. See, I'm renting it. Damn right. So if you ladies want to make$300...

1:25:11I love this fucking guy. I'll be out front. Hold on. I'm not letting you go just yet. That ain't prostitution. That's the least with an option to buy.

1:25:26Holy shit. You missed me, didn't you? Oh, I love you. I can't get enough of you. Let me ask you this, Uncle G, because you seem like you know how to please a woman.

1:25:38Brian Redban:I want to know, what are some of your tricks? There's a lot of young bucks out here. There's some fucking young guys, like I was saying, Fuzzy lost his girl to a guy with brain damage. Yeah, I'm going to need that book.

1:25:54I'll tell you what my daddy told me, when you take a woman to dinner for the first date, see how she treats the waitress. Yeah. And my waiter, you know, my first wife, we got to dinner and she's looking at me. She wanted to look at him. She goes, tell him I want a steak. Tell him I want a baked potato and get me a dessert, please. Sure enough, 10 years later, I'm at the divorce fucking trial. She wanted to look at me. She's looking at the attorney going, tell him I want alimony. Tell him I want chocolate.

1:26:26Then my first wife left She let work come between us. I realized that when she divorced me and married her fucking boss.

1:26:38My second wife, this is no shit, she gained 140 pounds first year we was married. I'd always dream about sleeping with two women, but damn, I didn't think she'd be both of them.

1:26:53To be fair, she got confused with the preacher. She thought he said in thickness and in health.

1:27:05He does this thing where he winks at me sometimes, by the way. He does this thing where he winks. He kills. He's the best fucking guy. He's the best guy.

1:27:16Brian Redban:Let me ask you one more question. This is my final. We're in overtime in this interview. I've spent more time with you up here than anybody all night long. I can't get enough of you. Let me ask you this, because you seem like you're a master in the bedroom. Do you have any tricks or advice that you can give these people out here? You've taught us so much already, but you seem like the kind of guy that really knows how to please a woman. Okay. He wrote a book about this, folks. Never sweat the petty stuff. Always pet the sweaty stuff.

1:28:00Thank you.

1:28:25Brian Redban:many people come in so many different shapes and sizes. Some people start early in life. Some people start late in life. Whatever the fuck you are, Uncle G, you are built for this shit. And my friend, since the set and the interview and everything, it's just been nothing but absolute fucking blast. I've enjoyed the fuck out of it. Well, I gotta tell you, my friend, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Kill Tony. That's yours, buddy. Holy shit. We need more Uncle G.

1:29:10You let us know when you want to come back, you'll get an automatic spot. Yeah. What? They're going to take care of me right back there. Hey, yo, thank you. I appreciate it. That's a good question. Uncle G, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. That's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. You want to know how to make it in showbiz? Do that. Who do I contact? That's the oldest guy I've ever seen.

1:29:50Wow. All right, we're having fun in here. Let's see if we can fuck it up with your next bucket pool. Make some noise for them. It's Chris Longoria, everybody. Here comes Chris Longoria.

1:30:06My buddies and I took a trip the other day, and I decided to put the Airbnb on my credit card and have them reimburse me on Cash App, and this is how these jokers reimburse me. $186 from Rick for Dat Bussy. $186 from Ruben for great sex $186 from Gabe for the Cut Corner Club membership and$186 from my dad for a great weekend at the Airbnb with the boys now when my nosy ass ex-girlfriend went through my phone and saw all these transactions she's like baby did you prostitute yourself out to two gay men have a third gay man watching you and had your dad part of the whole freaky ass situation I'm like nah baby you know they're assholes they're just joking and she goes alright well then what's this$5 charge you sent back to Rick for a great blowjob I was like ah fuck I could explain that shit $5 is a hell of a deal it costs way more than$5 for you to even look at it much less touch it alright guys that's been my time and chris longoria chris longoria it's tough to follow uncle g chris you're good he killed it you're coming out after a blizzard even the flies left after fucking the flies are like this guy's too good we're going to the fucking shakespeare's go watch the open mic over there i had to watch it from the beginning because i was sitting in the crowd so i

1:31:32Brian Redban:saw the whole thing congratulations to him man what made you uh you you like just wanted to see the show tonight yeah i'm a big fan i've been watching since before i started doing comedy so yeah how How long you been on comedy? Going on three years. You've been on the show before, right? About a month ago with Tom Segura and Cheryl Underwood. Yes. OK. What did we learn about you there in the interview? Tom tried to get me caught up with ice and tried to say I was from Mexico. Yeah. But you're not? I'm not. I'm not. I'm from Corpus Christi. OK. That's the Mexico of Texas. Really close. Really close.

1:32:02Yeah.

1:32:03Brian Redban:Absolutely. And that was about it. That's about all we really talked about. OK. Well, what's something that you think would be interesting for us to talk about? So I once tried going drink for drink with professional wrestlers and ended up blacked out in a wrestler's room and then blacked out in the hallway outside of his room. What wrestlers? With AEW, my best friend, Sammy Guevara. Okay. Yeah. All right. Very cool. How'd you make friends with all those guys? There's a independent wrestling company in Corpus Christi. I was just a big fan, started going to all of them and just became friends with a lot of dudes.

1:32:37I have a lot of friends in WWE and AEW right now.

1:32:40Brian Redban:Very cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you. You ever wear a luchador mask? During sex, yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Oh, that was you. Yeah. Good time. I'll Venmo you. Hell yeah, I got you. You guys have anything to say to Chris Longoria over here? What do we think about Chris, boys? Let's check in with the panel over here. I thought you were funny, man. You just got to keep grinding. You know what I mean? you gotta fucking if I were you I would pretend to be Indian and then if I was giving you actual actually I'd pretend to be Pakistani and I'd come out here and I'd go yo are there any Indians in here and then one fucker would go woo and I'd go fuck you Pakistan forever I'll try that next time that's the only voice I can really give Tony I'm sorry it works no it works let's check in with Miles Johnson here I don't really have anything funny to say I think thanks bro I think you should you should have gave it a second and then started because everybody was still reeling from that fucking uncle g shit that guy was fucking crazy so the last time i was on i went all the way to the bear and i was scared of that happening so i was like let me just jump straight he's talking about the the beginning the beginning like kind of like and you did it right you started with the joke but it was like fast and hard and there's also a lot of math before we realize what the joke's going on like People are trying to figure out what's the 180 whatever.

1:34:04Brian Redban:Yeah, absolutely. What's going on? But I get it. Again, you just went up after a very rare beast in Uncle G. He had his moment at 68 years old. And then you come up here, just another spry Latino. Yes, sir. Yeah, are you Mexican? Yeah. No way. Well, half of my family is from Spain and half of my family is from Mexico. I did some research after the last time I came on. Y 'all grilled me about, because I said I wasn't from, my family wasn't from Mexico. I did some research. And my mother's side of the family is from Spain. And I don't know where the fuck my dad's side of the family is, so I'm going to assume Mexico.

1:34:42Brian Redban:Right. Wherever that one guy goes for his medicine. Yeah. All right. Well, Chris, there you go. You got a, what size joke book did you get last time? Medium last time. Okay. There you go. Cool. You did it. Chris Longoria.

1:35:03All right, we know this next lady. She was famously at the January 6th riot. What do they call it? One side calls it riots. What do they call it? Not riots. A field trip is what they call it. Insurrection is what they call it. Some people call it a guided tour. 51 % of the country calls it a guided tour of the capital The other ones call it an insurrection So it all depends on what news channels you watch Make some noise for it's Karen Jones, everybody

1:35:47Hello, good to see everyone When my oldest son was 11 years old he found out that our entire family was peeing in the shower. He didn't know you could pee in the shower and he got pissed. It's like, you're letting me go in a shower where everyone is peeing? I just thought, man, I'm not going to tell him how much his dad jacks off in there. It could turn him into a sexual deviant. Thank God that didn't happen. You know, it's 40 years later, and he manages strip clubs. So it worked out okay. Now, if you would have told me back then that in 40 years I would be having sex with a 74-year-old man, you would have been wrong.

1:36:35I think old people having sex is sickening. Right? Does anybody want to think about their grandma and grandpa having sex? yeah i said that to my grandson he's like my other grandparents have sex like how do you know that i've walked in on him twice thank you that's my time okay

1:36:59Brian Redban:all right well okay karen jones an interesting set tonight welcome welcome how are you been working that out you've been going to open mics and stuff well yes i have been how's that going It's going really well. Tell us more. What's going on, Karen Jones? What are you up to nowadays? Okay. There's always some crazy shit going on. Last time I was in the - Still live in California? I still own a house in California, and I'm not going to live in it. Right. Because the neighborhood turned on you when you got on the news for being part of the guided tour. It was a guided tour, and good news, they released the rest or a good part of the badge cams in the last 24 hours.

1:37:43Brian Redban:What does that mean? It means you're going to see me take a blow to the belly when I said a nice thing to a policeman. He just went boom in my stomach. I'm like, oh, my God, I walked in a trap on January. So there's going to be video of you getting hit by a police. I sure hope so. Because that happened. It definitely happened. I told everybody from, you know, day one. And now this is going to come out. The shoving of me. I've already seen those videos. like I didn't do anything. They invited us in and attacked us. I know it's hard to believe. Very exciting that we're going to get to see that video.

1:38:19Normally, if we want to see you on our televisions, we have to watch The Conjuring. So very exciting. Woman in the nun outfit, everybody. That's her. If you turn your lights out. Well, the reason that there are other reasons why I'm not living in my house in California. It's in Santa Ynez, California. I don't know if you know where Santa Ynez is.

1:38:45Brian Redban:It doesn't matter. Go ahead. Well, it really does matter. It matters a lot. Jesus. Let's talk geography. Well, I'm celebrity adjacent. Okay. It's where Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. It's Reagan Ranch. It's the cowboy. Neverland Ranch is one of Red Man's favorite salad dressings.

1:39:07We're having fun here tonight. No. Anyway, I lived in the last residential, or I lived in the last house in downtown. I live at the four-way stop.

1:39:17Brian Redban:Is it a haunted house? No, it is a historical house. We're close. It's going to be a comedy club.

1:39:32You got me, Red Pan. That was very good. You made me ruin that hit of a cigarette. nothing tastes worse than when you have a spit take with a lung full of cigarette smoke i miss that you miss smoking oh yeah i bet you do i do how long did you smoke for karen from the time i was could walk right yeah wow well i was born in the 50s and little kids smoked then hell yeah and uh but then i quit in my early 30s when it started being uncool like when they start making people. California got down on smokers really early. And when they sent people outside to smoke, I'm like, no, I'm not going to huddle with a bunch of addicts out, you know, under an awning in the rain.

1:40:16Brian Redban:Right. Yeah. Not my style. Not your style. Storming the Capitol building. Getting a tour, an invited tour from the commander in chief, the top law enforcement person in the United States invited us to Washington. I RSVP'd to a permitted event, was invited in, and took one to the belly. Now, who invited you in? Was it a person? No, police officers. Yeah, they didn't. The Capitol Police were nice, and they were outside, and people should know I was on the nice side of the Capitol. I was on the east side because I had to go pee, and so we stopped at the hotel, and I've been having to go back and prepare my comedy club.

1:40:59And I found my hotel key from that day. And I had forgotten that the name of our hotel was the capital. And on the card, it has a picture of the capital. And it says, enter. And I thought, oh, this is ironic. Right.

1:41:19Brian Redban:You went in and peed in the shower. No, I peed in the toilet. But I think most people, most good people pee in the shower. No doubt about it. Yeah, you're not going to get out of the shower. You don't pee in the shower. You're fucking with it. That means you think you have weird pee. I think something's going on, and I felt kind of embarrassed that my son got so old and didn't know that you can pee in that drain hole. The whole family was doing it. You're damn right. You're damn right. William Montgomery shits in that pee hole in the shower. I have heard people say that, and if a guy, back before I met my husband on a one-night stand, if a guy would have shit in my shower, I never would have went out with him again.

1:41:59Brian Redban:You're damn right. That's a one-night stand. Yeah, exactly. Where's the weirdest place you've ever peed, Karen Jones? I saw you pee, I believe, in the movie The Exorcist. You were lying in bed. They had you chained up. Well, you know, I can't really think of weird places because it's very hard to pee outside. Fuzzy's face is looking like it's asking for it tonight. I don't know if you've seen something. I don't know the weirdest place you pee, but I know the weirdest place you shit was Pelosi's desk. See, right there, that's why people have so much trouble, so much trouble believing the truth about January 6th because there's so much misinformation.

1:42:41Right, they just let you in, right? No. That actually happened on 9-11. They just let us into the cockpit. They told us we could land here. They said we could land here.

1:42:57what the fuck man they told us that we could land there

1:43:05no no i'm joking i believe you for real though i believe you too i think you really think that and a lot of people did think that but more and more people are are figuring out that the 2020 election was stolen there's been a lot of funny bitches going on

1:43:25Brian Redban:somehow more I mean I don't like getting political believe it or not I know I did the one thing but I had to make sure we had the right president no Tony I felt you so much for that 10 day period before the election that's how I felt for four years yeah I get it oh god I did something good and they turned it around and attacked President Trump Hey, I get it. Absolutely. But it all works out. It all works out. It definitely does. In the 60s, were you like a hardcore hippie, like compound girl, nudist shit thing? I'm a never nude, like on Arrested Development. Okay. Like, my husband, if he sees me nude, it's totally an accident.

1:44:17Karen, I love your style. I love you, Tony. And you know what? I feel like as crazy as it sounds,

1:44:25Brian Redban:and I know people think I'm fucking nuts for this, there's something that I honestly think that you're telling the truth about January 6th. I don't think you would be so passionate and lie about being let in, And being guided through. We've talked about this a few times. You are like, you know, a lot of, you know, during COVID and a lot of things, I kind of like saw with my own eyes and ears what was going on. And you're kind of like my January 6th canary in the coal mine, which makes sense because you literally look like a canary that's been through a coal mine. We love you, Karen. I'm old. Your set was absolutely god awful.

1:45:04But I love you so much. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Boom. Oh, shit. You're going to say that I beat your stomach with a chokebook. Oh, no. She was assaulted. It was on purpose. Thank you all very much. She was assaulted by the commander of Kill Tony. Thank you to my people in line. We love you. Karen Jones, everybody. Put that mic stand back where you found it, you little rioter. All right. I guess that's the way the microphone was facing.

1:45:39I mean, look at that microphone. Don't you believe her about January 6th? I was just walking around, and he struck me.

1:45:54I have to see that fucking footage. I just wanted to see the rose room. I wanted to see the rose garden. You saying that she's shitting Pelosi's desk almost made me pass out. I really believe that. I really believe that. I was taking a little shit. And the police officer hit me. He struck me. I thought I was having fun, and I squandered it. I thought it was part of the tour.

1:46:28I'm having fun. You guys having fun out there? What a show. This is our last fucking pool of the night. Then we put a ribbon on it. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Jake Stewart, everybody.

1:46:47Some guy just told me I look like Jeffrey Dahmer with an iron deficiency. So I guess I got to look into this Jeffrey Dahmer guy's diet, see if I'm missing anything.

1:46:59I've noticed a lot of straight guys, other straight guys, I mean, they get offended or upset whenever they get like a compliment from a gay guy, you know? And I never do, you know? I feel like the number one compliment I get from gay guys is, like, my asshole feels amazing. And that doesn't make me gay. You can just take a compliment, you know? My mom wants me to say that's a joke. My mom, she wants me to, she's pretty clear about that. She wants me to quit smoking weed and doing stand-up comedy. That's not what she said. She said, I got to start paying for my own weed. Fucking bitch. Don't be alarmed, sir.

1:47:42Sometimes white guys, we call our moms bitch. He's looking at me like, Hey, yo, man.

1:47:50I mean, he's whiter than you, but okay, Jake. What the fuck did I do? Hey, yo, motherfucker. You calling your mama bitch, motherfucker? This motherfucker calling mama bitch. All right, Jake, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up, Jake? Almost two years. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. I am so fucking nervous right now. You're doing fine. You're doing great, Jake. Great, great stuff. Do you really smoke weed with your mom? No, my mom is a devout Christian. She's a saint. I smoke a lot of weed. She doesn't condone of that. Perfect. How old are you? I'm 27.

1:48:28Brian Redban:27. You've been doing it three years, you said? I've been doing it almost two years. Almost two years. What do you do for work? I'm a server. Where are you serving at? Austin Cutter Club. that's a good gig how'd you get that job one of my mentors in hospitality he no hey no fuck you what did he say we don't know what that guy said even he just laughed oh I like that you're in the right industry to get mad at people laughing yeah I just I am passionate about hospitality I like to take care of people and I like to bartend and I think I'm good at it. I got the job because one of my mentors in hospitality had the job.

1:49:21He laughed again. Yeah, I mean you're leaving a long pause after you say mentors in hospitality. You're giving the room a lot of time to react to that. It's like you're saying like a thousand-year-old Asian guy is teaching you how to wait table. Well, he calls me his apprentice. Wow. He says, he'll introduce me to tables. He'll be like, this is my apprentice. Wow. And then I'll be like, what can I get for you to drink? Wow. He's a great guy, though. He used to work at the, he tried to get me to come work at the Betty. And his name is Layton. And shout out Layton. He taught me everything I know about bartending.

1:49:58There's a bunch of other bartenders who'd be really pissed that I said that.

1:50:01Brian Redban:Very good. We love the Betty. Great jinx of the Betty. one of the best bars in the city without a great bar. It's a great bar. Probably the best bar in Austin, Texas. I'd agree with that. A lot of hot guys. Surprise you didn't get the job. The place is filled with smoking hot dudes. Well, I gotta... Kidding, it's all hot chicks. It makes sense you weren't hired. You're right. Over here. Tell us more about your life. What do you do for fun? Enough about your hospitality mentor. Well, I just got engaged. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Where'd you meet this little dame at? Serving tables. Okay. You were taking care of her?

1:50:43No, we served tables together. Oh, nice. How long have you worked with her? We don't work together anymore because that was a lot, but we've been together for approaching five years now.

1:50:56Brian Redban:Wow. Amazing. And she's serving somewhere else now? No, she works an interior design firm. Okay. She's like an estimator. All right. And when are you planning on actually getting married? We're getting married on October 16th. Okay. What made you pick that date exactly? Well, that's actually funny. We just were looking at venues, and that one was open. But it turns out that was the day that my parents got married, too. I mean, I never knew because they were divorced. Wow. Wow. I think that's a bad omen. I'm just a positive mentality guy. I'm going to make that date a good date. You know what I'm trying to say?

1:51:37Brian Redban:Tell us more about what you do when you're not doing comedy or serving tables. You seem like the kind of guy that has an extensive collection of seashells or something like that.

1:51:50Sometimes I blade. I like to disc golf. When you say blade, you mean rollerblade? Irene Roller, correct.

1:51:57Brian Redban:What type of places are you... What type of places are you rolling around on your feet at? Well, the other day I did a workout at the YMCA. You rollerbladed at the YMCA? No, I rollerbladed from the YMCA to the creek in the cave afterward. Wow. So you have shoes that you use at the gym. So you rollerblade to the YMCA. You take your rollerblades off in the locker room or out front on the stairway? They stay in the trunk of my car. Oh. When I... Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We have a lot of questions here. So when I ask you where you rollerblade, you said the YMCA. So do you leave your car at the YMCA and rollerblade to the creek in the cave?

1:52:46Brian Redban:Yes, sir. And then you rollerbladed from the creek in the cave back to the YMCA? Well, when I got to the creek in the cave, I realized I can't fucking rollerblade. You can't rollerblade on stage, you mean? No, like at all. Like I used to rollerblade when I was a kid, and then I thought it would just come back to me. And then I'm like in front of rush hour traffic. I can't even stop. There's no brakes on rollerblade. There's no brakes. I didn't know that. There's technically ways to brake without a doubt. There is. That is true. So I asked you what you do for fun or what you're good at or something like that, and you named something that you're literally not good at.

1:53:25Brian Redban:That I'm getting better at. Okay. Very optimistic. Shockingly optimistic. Thank you. Thank you. You're fucking hot, dude. Whoa, look at this. Weddings off, everybody. Look at that. Looks like I have a new membership at the Austin Country Club. If you want it, I will suck your dick, dude. Wow, okay. That's enough. He's got some Dahmer in him for sure. That's enough. If I come too fast, I'm going to think of Karen Jones and last a little bit longer. All right. Jake, give me one more thing that you think out of your entire life makes you different than other people. Something must have happened, maybe a near death, maybe you saved somebody's life, maybe something crazy, anything at all.

1:54:09Brian Redban:Maybe you once got caught in a weatherstorm. Perhaps it was hail or sleet. Maybe something. I'm giving you a lot of time to think here about how you're not one of the most boring white people on planet Earth. You can literally say anything. There was a guy earlier that masturbated for 14 hours once, In an attic, en masse. That's impressive. Good luck. Well, yeah. I mean, so I was raised in Mansfield, Ohio. I moved here in 2020. I was arrested on my way down here. Perfect. Let's talk about that. Yeah. You got arrested, I'm going to say, at the top of Texas? In Rockwall. What? Rockwall. Rockwall, Texas.

1:54:50Brian Redban:Rockwall, Texas. Rockwall, Texas. They got you going 70 in a 60. and then they smelled marijuana in the vehicle. Am I correct? You're correct. And you had just... Did you ever over an ounce or under an ounce because you came heavy? I had an eighth. Oh, very good. Redban had that correct. Yeah. Well, we had... Who's we? It was me and my best friend. Uh-huh. And we rolled... It's an 18-hour drive from Mansfield to Austin. We rolled a blunt per hour. Mm-hmm. Mansfield is the meeting place, correct, between Youngstown and Columbus, right? That's correct. Yep. I remember that well. It's a small prison town.

1:55:31You know Shawshank Redemption? Yes. That's the old prison. My great-grandfather worked at that prison. He taught music there. Wow. Yeah. One of your mentors.

1:55:43Brian Redban:Snow trails. Yep. That's right. Okay. How long were you in jail for? About 16 hours. Perfect. Look at that. Amazing. Welcome to being white. Miles? This is how good it could be. Can you imagine? 16 hours. Wait until Dedrick finds out. 16 hour wow that's your go to that black impression do you have any black friends? what do you think is the blackest thing about you before I let you go Jake Stewart because I'm not seeing it to me I feel like I don't know I'm pretty good at basketball you would not think I'm good at basketball no way

1:56:26basketball is like sex because for a 5 foot 9 white guy I'm better than you think you know there's just one guy clapping old rock wall thank you rock wall old rock wall well Jake I'm just in a giving mood at this point because I enjoyed this episode so you're getting a big joke book there goes Jake Stewart everybody and that is the bucket full portion of the show oh Mr. Basketball didn't catch the leather joke book you got me up wrong too you don't know black guys if you ask me there's only one way to end an episode like this and that is with one of the best joke writers and performers in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen this regular has been super viral all week with one of the greatest hitler jokes of all time this guy's just doing it right i mean a freak of nature again one of the hardest jobs in the industry of comedies being a regular on Kill Tony.

1:57:26This is a brand new minute from the Real Deal. This is Pat O 'Neill, everybody.

1:57:37Folks! How is it that these gender reveal parties are all the rage nowadays? Yet whenever I reveal my gender to people at parties, uh...

1:57:55I'm a weirdo with an oddly shaped penis that wasn't even invited in the first place fucking make up your mind people something else I'll never understand today is how some guys have threesomes together I can never stay hard while there's another dude in the room You know, fucking my boyfriend.

1:58:25I don't get it.

1:58:32A little bit more about me. I love midget wrestling. I always win.

1:58:43Speaking of wrestling, Last weekend, I told my retarded nephew, our Waymo driver, was John Cena. Believe me. Okay, that's it. Wow. He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible. Thank you. Thank you, folks. You are fantastic, Pat O 'Neill. We got the boys up here. I know you guys are big Pat O 'Neill fans. Fucking love Pat O 'Neill. I fucking love Pat O 'Neill. Me and Miles, we've been working the door here since it originally opened, and it's guys like Pat O 'Neill that come in, sign up for this show, grow, and they make the scene so much stronger. It's so good having you here, Pat.

1:59:21You're the fucking man. Hey, brother. You've made this fuck so much better already. You're going to the top, brother. I love you. I fucking love you, Pat. Fuck you there, Miles. Oh, my God.

1:59:30Brian Redban:What's happening, Pat? Yeah. Fucking crazy night. Holy shit. I'm glad to be on this show, too, because at the end, I was on the golden ticket to advance my comedy career and all that. But by the end, it really was to just not have to wait with those fucking maniacs next door anymore. And I am just so happy. It's its own show, perhaps. The sign-ups, the people that are waiting over there. I've heard crazy stories. I've seen some fucking video here and there. Some fights, some this, some that. We're nuts. It's chaos over there. It's nuts. A lot of people come and go. A lot of people get banned from there.

2:00:10Brian Redban:Imagine that. fussy your band from shakespeare's i'll never go back what happened nothing nothing oh no i'm not bad i'm not bad okay they love me at shakespeare's pat do you can you recall anything specific that you've seen over there that uh i mean there's people wrestling on the floor one night i mean they're always there's at least two to three guys just using it for shelter on any given week with like the huge fucking backpacks and whatnot but yeah what are they wrestling about? I don't know I think it was Fuzzy and Drew over a girl ah mister I'm not going back there well well well I'm fucking killing you Drew you think you're so fucking hot cause you got a metal plate on your head

2:01:09Oh my god Well Pat I mean You're just the man Anything else we need to cover this week? Not really follow me on Instagram if you want to Or YouTube tell them all Pat O 'Neill comedy on everything Pat O 'Neill comedy if you're not following this man You're a stupid idiot A stupid idiot And you don't want to be a stupid idiot One more time for Pat O 'Neill Thank you folks You can catch him at Madison Square Garden with us as we do Kill Tony for the third year in a row. That's what we go to New York City for, is to do Madison Square Garden. And he'll also be with us November 13th and 14th at the Dolby Live Theater at the MGM in Las Vegas, Nevada.

2:01:52It's going to be chilly that time of the year in a lot of places. Why not escape to Vegas, catch two Kill Tonys? The band will be playing at City Winery in New York the night before our two MSG shows. That's August 6th at City Winery. So, yeah, there you go. A lot of fun stuff happening. Look out for another big announcement, as we always do New Year's Eve here in Austin. How about one more time for the panel debut of Miles Johnson and Fuzzy Kildji? Am I saying that right, Kildji? Kildji, you can spell it for these people. K-H-I Actually, don't worry about it Just Fuzzy Comic on Instagram Oh, it's Fuzzy Comic?

2:02:30Fuzzy Comic on Instagram Follow these guys That's Miles with a Y Miles with a Y Miles the black guy I'm the black guy I mean, I had so much fun with you guys It's always a fun episode to me when I have fun And that's all I fucking care about This is the show that I love to do And you guys made it a lot of fun I knew it was gonna be but wow, there's some magical moments. One more time, congratulations to the first ever 68-year-old Golden Ticket winner, Uncle G. I love that he said, who do I contact after I gave it to him? That's wisdom right there, by the way. A lot of people fucking, you know, I mean, of course we take care of it, but in life, make sure, if someone gives you the opportunity of a lifetime, make sure you get someone's phone number about it.

2:03:20There's a lesson in that, believe it or not. There's magic to that. Sometimes it fucking goes right through you. You hang out with maybe the president of the United States. You forget to exchange numbers or something. It could happen to you. Red Band? Please check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

2:03:40SunsetStripATX.com. Secret show every Thursday. It's a great place. A lot of people say, quote, Newsweek says, better than Shakespeare's. If you're looking for a place that's not quite the mothership, but better than Shakespeare's, go to the Sunset Strip, Iowa. No, the Thursday show is so much fun there. It's all your favorite people. Yeah. To the audience, God bless you. And God bless the United States of America. 250 years old. That's a little baby. We love you. Good night, everybody.

2:04:20Thank you.

2:05:01Outro Music

2:05:18Thank you.

2:05:52Thank you.