#778 - JIMMY CARR

19:28Brian Redban:I love it. So, Robert Lee, how old are you? I'm 50. 50. What made you... You just started stand-up, right? This is your first time? No, I did it a couple times before. Okay, just a couple times. You know, it's American Legion back in Kentucky where everybody knows me. The American Legion. Yeah. They do shows at the American Legion in Kentucky? Sometimes. Hell yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. All right. What made you want to come to Austin, Texas and sign up for this show? Oh, well, I work at North Dakota in the oil field. Okay. That's one answer to a totally different question. Well, have you ever been to North Dakota?

20:03No. It's 50 fucking below. It's cold. Oh, my God. I wanted to come down here and, like, come out here and not be nervous. That's bullshit. My legs wouldn't stop shaking walking over here. Hell yeah. God dang. It's okay. It's okay.

20:15Brian Redban:Soon you'll be as stable as a steel shit jack. Let's check in with Jimmy Carr here. Are you having an allergic reaction? Because you seem to have, you sort of, I don't know how to describe it, but I think you've been stung by something. And I think whatever it was was racist. No, no. I love it. How many black friends do you have? Well, all of them. Okay. How many? Give me a ballpark here. One. One. What's his name? Shout out to Rufus. His name is really Rufus? His name is really Rufus. I Googled it, and there's like Rufus Thomas, and there's another Rufus. There's a Rufus Thomas, Rufus Thomas of the Rufus Thomas band.

20:58Brian Redban:Right. Twice from, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I had to Google it. I know that shit. Yeah. No, that's a thing. I know about that from the movie Kill Bill 2. Samuel L. Jackson plays a musician in a wedding chapel, and he played with, at one point, the Rufus Thomas, of the Rufus Thomas Band. Now, damn, I have to tell Rufus about that. Yeah.

21:23How did you meet Rufus? I have to know how you and Rufus met. This sounds like a fucking CNN documentary. He was the only black guy in North Dakota, Not in North Dakota, but in the whole place they hired this one black guy. And he was from Chicago, and his name was Rufus, so I had to go meet him. And he is cool as a fan. He's my buddy.

21:43Brian Redban:That's what happens when you meet black people. You were assigned to work with him. It wasn't a choice originally. That's kind of true. Yeah, that's true. I got you there. What do you like to do for fun, Robert? You're 14 months off. Well, you quit drinking with your friends, but you drink alone now. Am I correct? I don't drink much anymore. I've been on a life-changing journey for about a year and a half. Okay, tell us about this life-changing journey. I'm very excited about it. Y 'all ever heard of Trimbolin? Trimboli? No, no, Trimbolin. That stuff that made Crispin Wahangys little retarded kid.

22:18Oh, my goodness. You know what I'm talking about? Say it one more time. Trimbolin.

22:24Brian Redban:Yep. Nope, we don't know about that. There you go. We don't know about that. Trimbolone. We're as senseless as a shit jack over here. Just go ahead and tell us what that is exactly. Well, that is an anabolical steroid. And you're on it. Yeah, I didn't take it today, though, because I thought I'd be nervous. Yeah, you don't want to be nervous up here. It makes you sweat and look like a thumb. Look at you. You're drier than a fucking wet washcloth up here. Yep, soaking wet. Yep. Good thing you didn't take your steroids today. So what happens when you do take your steroids, Robert Lee? Well, it's like muscle mess, what I call it.

22:55Uh-huh. Yeah, you're not stripping copper. You're pumping iron. Look out the window for the cops. but if they're out there, you can see what the fuck they want. Yeah. And the cops, yeah, yeah. I bet the cops love you. It's like when you go out and talk to the cops, it's like that Spider-Man meme where they're all pointing at each other.

23:15Just out there looking for the other Rufuses in the neighborhood. You know what I mean? We don't like them Rufuses. No, no, he's my boy. I like him. No, I know. I'm joking. I'm making a joke.

23:25Brian Redban:You have any kids or anything? You ever been married? I got four kids. Four kids? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. how old's the youngest uh 13. okay how old's the oldest 31. wow is the 31 year old doing good doing great yeah okay everyone's happy everybody's happy how about the 13 year old how like you he's tearing up all my well i bet he's getting into your steroids while you're out playing comedian at night no no we've already had to talk about the steroids we don't talk about what happens at home you know wow okay baby crying you got a baby crying on there you got it there it is there it is okay all right red band that's enough it's out of control jimmy what do you think about this guy I feel like we're friends now.

24:17So, I mean, I just want to hear more. It's fascinating. What would you like to hear? Do we know what you do for a living? What's your day job? Oh, I work in the oil field. I take the drill cuttings that comes out of the hole and they put the frack fluid on it. The Democrats say it causes cancer, but I'm fine. And I haul it to who's goes. Did you say the Democrats say it causes cancer? In California. you read that shit it probably causes cancer dude i'm just a fiddle i don't know what you're talking about

24:52Brian Redban:i mean if they're saying it causes cancer that means they knew about it like 20 years ago all right so that's what you do they do geiger meter every load to check for nuclear yeah yeah radiation you can fuck with them with a nanopill though You can't, you mean what? Oh, a banana peel? You can fuck with them. You put it in there and it pops off the little Geiger meter. Banana peel makes a Geiger meter go off. Yeah. I did not know that. It does. Jimmy. Sorry, I asked what you did for a living. No clearer to an answer there. Oh, I drive a truck and I haul drill cuttings. What they take out of the ground, I haul to the disposal.

25:34Oh, okay. Drives a truck. Yep. Probably. if you're in a hurry just say I drive a truck oh I don't have nowhere to be I love it you're a very very interesting guy I think you're a funny dude you know

25:50Brian Redban:you got to get it to you got to put it together you know a whole minute on you know people don't really want a picture you getting your prostate checked you know what I mean we I didn't get a picture with that was my next question I don't know how you knew that, but I wanted to see. I wanted to see what it looked like. But I like your style, man. Like I said, we have all different shapes and sizes of people signing up nowadays, and I like that you came up here. Here's a medium joke book, my friend. Robert Lee. Thank you. Get in tonight's bucket started. Very long interview. Very interesting guy.

26:27Very fun. And we're off and running. We are. Oh, there she is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, in real life. The real deal, a modern day Vanna White. Half the year's over. If your credit still needs to work, the time is now. Kickoff makes building credit simple and affordable. Getting started with Kickoff just takes a few minutes right from your phone. It's just$1 for your first month, and there's no credit check, no hidden fees, and no interest. Users with credit under 600 grow an average of 86 points just by paying on time. Red Van? Join over 1 million users already building their credit with Kickoff with hundreds of thousands of positive reviews.

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27:41Late payments may negatively affect your credit score. Individual results may vary.

27:47Brian Redban:All right, here we go. Speaking of lovely ladies, it's our first female comedian of the night. Make some noise for Lauren Baker, everybody. Here we go.

28:05Oh, man. When I was waiting to sign up here, waiting in a pub, a man came up to me and tried to sign up on my comedy notebook. He was so certain that I was the list that he's tried to sign up five minutes early. Like, I know I have clipboard energy, but that's a bit excessive. Anyway, clipboard energy, I do have it, whether or not you can tell. picture me in a psychiatric facility this is a game i invented so i would try to find a little spot that looked like a ufo or uap okay hop on it and go like this

28:47this is a game i invented when i was balls deep in psychosis did i mention i was a patient picture me in red scrubs light blue grippy socks

29:00this game was called Deadpool Pan's Labyrinth I know what you're thinking you see no Deadpool in it I thought about Rosebud Baker she's a comedian one of her sisters died in a hot tub I thought about her the whole time

29:16Brian Redban:okay Lauren Baker has made her Kill Tony debut welcome Lauren how are you oh I am excellent welcome how long you been doing stand up So the first time was when I was 19, so 14 years if you go from that, but most of that has been off. Right. It seems like you were doing some things in between then and now. Okay. What do you do for work, Lauren? I help people accomplish things they've been putting off. What exactly do you mean? I hold space for people to process feelings and also hold them accountable for productivity. I'm a coach. Okay. Jimmy

30:04I'm loving these faces Give it to me buddy I think I don't want you to take this the wrong way But I think you should try stand up I love that I think I like the energy And there seems to be a lot of story here Somewhere We need jokes You know what You had great ideas. I don't know what was going on, but it wasn't jokes. You want to know what was going on? What was going on? Oh, my God. So I spent all day prepping one set, okay? I'm here with my boyfriend, who's also a comic, and another friend. I spent, like, five hours prepping my one-minute set. And then when we're here, my partner was like, are you going to do the Deadpool Pan's Labyrinth?

30:44You should do that. And I've done it one time so far. And I was like, fuck, he's got good intuition. Like, he could be right. and I wrote a new untested set. So, a couple of things. Firstly, leave him. He's bad for you. You could do so much better. What was the joke in the original set? Yeah.

31:08Brian Redban:What would be the joke that you've done before that's worked? Yep. Tall men aren't more attractive. They're just easier to find in a crowd. It's a risk management technique. Like, you want me to do all of it? Because I'm going to take a second to remember the whole minute I planned. If you don't have it memorized, then no, we won't make you do it. We're asking, like, you. It's memorized somewhere. Just keep talking to me. How often do you do this? How often do you try stand-up? So, for the past, I've really, like, gotten back into the past, like, seven months. And would do, depending on the week, like, one to four.

31:41Brian Redban:Okay. And you don't have, like, a minute that you like. I do absolutely have a minute. I have so many minutes. Again, I just threw it out last minute. And then literally while I was waiting to be called, I was like, there's so many people here. There's no way I'm going to get called. I'll just put my notebook away, chill out. But then when you did, and you had a little like few minutes probably back there, right? You're like, okay, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about what happened during the signups for like 20 seconds. And then I'm going to do an impression of what I did when I was at a mental hospital for the next 40 seconds.

32:10You know, I understand the opinion. I super appreciate the feedback. it's not even it's not even feedback i'm just i'm not i'm not even giving feedback i'm just saying what you did what you did oh you were absolutely giving me feedback and i'm no no no no no no no no i'm saying what you did i'm feedback would be if i gave an opinion on what you did which i okay oh i bet you're a lot of fun the look on my face is feedback imagine what this boyfriend must be going through holy shit no i just said what you did that's not feedback keep her talking give him a chance to run i hear you okay okay you're sticking with it so

32:55Brian Redban:uh all right lauren um what do you do for a living other than you make money coaching people you people have it so bad in this life that they're literally like i'm going to lauren baker for help Honestly, yeah. Would you believe it? You make good money doing that? What do you charge people, just out of curiosity? There might be somebody that needs to be... It would depend on the container. Container? It's a coaching term. This is getting nerdy fast. It's okay. Can you explain it? Sure. So it would depend on the context, right? How long am I coaching you? Hourly? Are you doing a package? Let's say it's hourly.

33:32Brian Redban:Let's say it's hourly. I'm just curious. 150 bucks. 150 bucks an hour. And about how many clients do you have right now? A dozen. Wow. That is absolutely fucking mind-boggling. I mean, I think I need to get my shit done. I think I should do this. I love it. And how long have you been doing that, Lauren? A year and a half. A year and a half. And what made you get into that? What made you think, you know what? I can do this. I can help people get their lives together. Proof of concept. that's a good question john dees actually who rarely ever says anything on the show has a great question what is your success rate oh ballpark what do you give me information about what you want for that metric oh my god um are you a life coach are you a life coach yes sir okay so your training is mental illness and you're telling people that what they need to do and you don't know what your success rate is?

34:33I don't specifically handle mental illness. No, sir. That would require different certifications. That's not what I said. Oh, D-Madness is jumping in. Sorry, I would really appreciate to understand your question. I know. We're trying our best with you, Lauren. You really? We really are. And this always works with everybody else. That should tell you something. We're really good at this. We're really good at this. We have a 100 % success rate here. Dread band. Oh, my God. Jimmy Carr. I feel like you kind of nailed it with the clipboard energy. Thank you. You feel like you're fighting the system here.

35:10You came out, you did a minute. It was pretty terrible. And we want to help. We want people to do well. And we're trying to get some stories out of you. And there's a lot of resistance to that. A lot of resistance. But like that thing of like going, you could just tell us about yourself. So you were in a mental institution? Yeah. Why were you in there? I got diagnosed with schizophrenia last year. Okay, that's a big thing to carry.

35:30Brian Redban:So let me just jump in for a second. So a year and a half ago, you started life coaching. And last year, you got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Yeah. I think I'm figuring out why we don't have an exact success rate number. But Tony, schizophrenia, that means you can multitask. Right. There's different things going on. Yeah. There's a lot of people in there. In that institution, did there happen to be a stainless steel shitjack?

36:05John Dees is wondering if all of your clients are you.

36:12John Dees on the keys. Ben, I wish.

36:19Brian Redban:I love that you're laughing up here while being resistant. You seem like you have a great sense of humor. I wish I had shown it to you. Sign up again. Sign up again. Write, prepare, and stick with your guts before you sign up. Do what you're going to do. Come in with a plan, and then we'll have a fun interview, and we'll do it again next time. There you go. There's a little medium joke book. Lauren Baker, ladies and gentlemen. We're cooking. We are cooking. What did I tell you? Sometimes it's an old person. Sometimes it's a young, brand-new, mentally ill person. I fucking nailed that shit from the top before putting my hand in a fucking bucket, I was calling this shit.

37:07You never know what could happen next. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Greg Anderson, everybody. Here we go.

37:17Woo! All right, I am also a schizophrenic life coach. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, yeah. everybody I am reconnecting with my mom on social media thank you thank you thank you I super liked her and she unmatched with me so that's yeah yeah a little rough tinder joke for you thank you yeah you've never been on tinder in your life okay Martin Scorsese is making a story about me and my friend's life in Austin, Texas, and it's called The Deported, so that's very exciting. Yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you. I've been dating a lot of tall girls these days, but I don't like all the stubble. Yeah, that's a little rough.

38:05Thank you, thank you. You guys are a great crowd. Let's give it up for you guys. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah, all right, all right. I went to a beach with my sister, tropical vacation, and she got stung by jellyfish on her arms, torso, and legs. And so I pissed in her mouth and let her figure it out. So... Thank you. Thank you. Funny guy, Greg Anderson. Welcome, Greg. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome, Greg. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about 12 years, and I started in Vietnam. Wow. I know. Tell us about that.

38:39Brian Redban:How do you start there? I was spit out the ugly bottom of the poetry community no i stopped doing poetry which is good good call and uh i started doing stand-up and uh and uh in vietnam and then i did that for seven years and then i went to bangkok and did it for a couple years in bangkok yeah but anyways let me tell you okay go right ahead great go right ahead some crazy drugs i like talking about salvia uh i'm okay some fans Normal people, you don't know what that is. You're a good person. And then I married a co-worker. This is an old, old story. I married a co-worker, a Russian girl, and we got married for her citizenship.

39:20Good story. Yeah, yeah. That was a long time ago. Okay. So up to you.

39:25Brian Redban:Where were you working at the time where you met this? Working in a bar. We were shucking oysters in Toronto. Nice. But one more thing, Tony. Okay. You're kind of trying to... I'm excited. I'm jacked up. Very good. but you go ahead with the one more thing, and I'll decide where we go from there. Exactly. Go ahead. I'm lobbing the ball to you, and I'll just try to keep it short. Thank you, my friend. You don't even have to say that. You can just say the thing. You're right. I have a killer closer that I love that usually works in front of a more ragtag audience than this, but I yell to the crowd.

39:59I say, who wants to see me get punched in the stomach by a hot girl from the crowd? And they go nuts, you know, but maybe that's not appropriate. We're not going to do that. We're not going to do that. Good, good. Good call. Good call. Your thing. Way to set us up for a nice lawsuit, though. I like your style. You're trying to make it all in one appearance here. True. I love it.

40:20Brian Redban:Congratulations. So I'm deciding to go back to how did you end up in Vietnam in the first place? Money. I was in Vancouver, and you ever get that feeling in cities where it's like, I don't think the city wants me to live here anymore. Yeah. And so I moved to Vancouver. first I moved to Taiwan and then that was okay teaching English I have an English degree nice and then I went to Vietnam and Vietnam was pretty fucking good that's what I've heard yeah yeah tell us about it be a tour guide for Vietnam okay if we were in Vietnam if I was in Vietnam right now I would have a piece of shit motorbike and I'd ride that fucking thing wherever the fuck I wanted to okay so fucking fun if you go to Vietnam don't ride a motor oh thank you keep going keep going if you're going to Vietnam don't ride Don't ride a motorbike in Hanoi.

41:07Don't ride a motorbike in Ho Chi Minh. But get on a bike outside of town, and it's like you're in on the fucking road, dude. It's amazing.

41:14Brian Redban:Okay, so then from Vietnam, you go to Bangkok. Yeah, Bangkok was great. What made you go to Bangkok? I was temporarily banned from flying into Vietnam. Perfect. Yeah. Okie dokie. That was a surprise for everybody. And we hit it. We hit the goldmine here. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever get the feeling that a country doesn't want you there anymore? Yes. Good gift. Yeah. I've had that feeling a few times. Why did you get banned from flying into Vietnam? COVID. I spent my entire COVID in Vietnam. And so I had the Cadillac of visas, which is a TRC, which is a two-year temporary residency card. And so you're only supposed to, you get that card, you're only supposed to work for one place that gets you that card.

41:55I was like, I'm not going to give this card back and I'm going to work for whoever the fuck I want. Right. But it was COVID. Sometimes I couldn't fly out. So they did not like that. I paid a$740 fine to immigration. And I thought I was still going to get back in the country because I'm an idiot. And so I flew into Bangkok and then they were like... Right.

42:15Brian Redban:During COVID, you're like, how do I get closer to Wuhan? Exactly. Exactly. Let's get to the source. Yeah. So then you're in Bangkok. And then what do you do in Bangkok? So I'm trapped in Bangkok. And I'm trapped in Bangkok. I'm doing a whole bunch of stand-up. A bunch of my buddies are there. Great stand-up scene. and um you did a show in stand-up all my buddies went i think and so uh he does travel the world yes yeah yeah lobbing the ball to you anyway no sorry uh and then so um i uh did i finish any stories in the show i'm trying i'm fucking trying so i started doing a bunch of stand-up and then i picked up another english teaching job i just signed a year contract i do another year teaching in Bangkok.

42:59Okay, where do you live right now? Right now I live here. I came here from Vancouver to... Austin, Texas. Yeah.

43:06Brian Redban:How long ago did you move to Austin, Texas? Two and a half months. Two months. And what have you learned about Austin, Texas? You've been all around the world. Freak in the fucking cave. Sorry. What stands out to you about Austin, Texas? Don't give shout outs to places to get more spots right now. Just we're focusing on the entire city. Different kind of friendliness. Canadians have a friendly reputation. Texans have a very friendly reputation. Slightly different. You know, I think the friendliness in Canada is a little passive aggressive or like a little standoff. I agree. And I actually love this answer.

43:41Brian Redban:I feel like it's something that we don't talk about often enough here is the friendliness of Texas. Definitely. They say Southern hospitality, right? They say it. Yeah. And welcoming. They say welcoming. And so, but the friendliness in Texas is fucking up front. We're doing this. I'm being friendly. Let's fucking go. You know what I mean? It really is. You are spot on. I do love that. I don't even know if that's ever really been acknowledged. Somehow we always graze over that on this show. But people are very friendly here. Jimmy Carr. I think it's because we know they could be armed. The guns.

44:14Yeah. That's true. It's really what are Canadians that are unarmed Americans is what they are. Right. You don't need to be as friendly up there. what are they going to do? Throw a fucking Tim Horton's donut at you. Right, exactly. And then we have a, Canada has a Texas too. You know, we have... Calgary. Calgary, which is fucking oil, cows, cowboy hats. No guns though. Yeah, no guns. Yeah, we have hunting guns. Pew, pew, pew. True, true. We don't have street guns. We have like, oh, I'm a moose hunter gun. Right.

44:41Brian Redban:But every once in a while you still have your mass shooters up there. We try. Yeah. Absolutely. So how do you make money now, Greg, now that you're in Austin, Texas? because everybody knows how to speak English here. My dad died. Ooh.

44:58How did dad die? I think hit by a moose gun. Hit by a moose gun. Fucking nailed it. Sorry. Don't do that. Don't do that. Over here.

45:09Brian Redban:Over here. How did dad die? Dad died. He got old and he had a disease that they didn't know he had. He had like a genetic disease. And that's in Canada, right? Canada, yeah. Did they give him the suicide? Oh, they kill him? Did they give him the suicide? They did not kill him. They love doing that there, Jimmy Carter. They do. So, sorry, I don't know if you've had time to process this loss, but he died of a genetic disease, and you realized he was your father. I know, I know. Yeah, I got the call, and I haven't followed up about that. Yeah, yeah. 50-50 chance right here. I think I'm sick. I think I'm ill.

45:41Brian Redban:Perfect. Great. Let me ask you this. out of all the women that you hooked up with in Vietnam, Bangkok, anything like that, any of them ladyboys? No. One hilarious thing about ladyboys in the comedy scene was we would have comedians come through there from like fucking Hong Kong and shit like that. And then some of the dudes would be like, hey, isn't it funny how you can sleep with a ladyboy and not be gay? And all the other comedians would be like, no, he's fucking gay. Yeah, yeah, you know. That's it? That's... Okay. Yeah, that's it. We covered that earlier here. Yeah, okay. Okay, Greg, no kids, no girlfriend?

46:23Brian Redban:No kids, no girlfriend right now. How have you avoided that? No kids? Yeah. One near miss, you know, one big A, one... Where was that at? That was in Thunder Bay, Ontario. Ooh, Thunder Bay, very specific. Yeah, yeah. There's a casino there. I'll always remember that. It's a terrible name for her vagina.

46:45Brian Redban:Thunder Bay. There it is. And you guys took care of that. You got a Canadian abortion. She took care of it, thank God. She was very cool about it. And, yeah, yeah. And, you know, I wasn't, thank God. And she was very cool about it, and I'm not going to say her name right now. Perfect, yes, don't do that. No need for the shout-outs here. True, true. All right, Greg. Believe it or not, I really like your style, Greg. I got a big Bucky's joke book here. Proper jokes. Yeah, he did. You had jokes. You made us laugh. There's a Big Bucky's sponsor joke book. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Greg Anderson, everybody.

47:21We're having fun here. I'm loving this episode so far. We're flying through it. We have the great bucket Jimmy Carr here. He's got a new book that you can preorder right now.

47:31Brian Redban:It comes out in October officially, but you can preorder it on Amazon. It is called On Jokes. And let me tell you, I don't know if you've seen it. You probably have. He's a global superstar, but this is truly one of the best joke writers in the world. and he wrote a book about how to write jokes so for all of you listening out there this is the fucking man pre-order the book do it all right thanks yeah your next bucket pool this looks like another new name make some noise for michael head everybody michael head

48:04thanks guys uh when i was in high school i actually got bullied by a retarded kid I don't know what type, like where he was on the spectrum but his special needs were to just tackle me for no reason like I'm standing on the sidelines still getting blindsided helmet to helmet by retard strength I was scared I'd get enough concussions to become like him that's how it spreads but I couldn't get him back, right? because he doesn't know any better so I got the other teams to bully him back because they didn't know he was retarded I told him he was a five-star prospect. Like, just wait until they put 99 in, bitch.

48:43He's a killer. He just signed with the Texas Longhorns. They don't play him until the fourth, so he won't get hurt. That way, when he finally got in the game, they tried to hurt him. And you guys know it's not whether you win or lose. It's how you play the game, right? Thanks so much, man. That's all I got. Thanks.

49:02Brian Redban:55 seconds from Michael Head. Sounds like a true story to me. Yeah, it is. Welcome, Michael. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be 15 years in November. Nice. Where at? Where were these 15 years at? I started in Tallahassee, mostly in Florida, a couple years in L.A. Okay, cool. You're in L.A. now? No, no. I live here now. How long ago did you move here? About six months ago. Okay. How do you like Austin? I like it a lot, man. I like just grinding out mics. That's really why I came here. You're having fun. You have a day job? I do, yeah. I'm a dispatcher for like a AAA provider. Oh, cool.

49:35Brian Redban:Hell yeah. How long have you been on the Red Band diet? look at your boy i grew up in florida dude it's it's i got postpartum diabetes i love it i love it michael i love it uh did have you uh ever looked to see what the uh retarded bully is now up to in life you ever do that it's weird i feel like he was like 23 for some reason playing football with high schoolers yeah hopefully he's dead now oh my goodness what can i say Oh, my goodness. Luckily, if he watches this, he'll have no idea what you just said. Amazing. So 15 years, most of it in Florida. Now you're here in Austin. You're dispatching for AAA type of things.

50:17Brian Redban:What do you do for fun? You look like a guy that has a lot of collectibles, a lot of hobbies. Actually, I used to be big into toys. I'm actually like a writer all the time. I'm a screenwriter. Okay. And I actually did a semester in London where I got to see Jimmy Carr on 8 Out of 10 Cats and all that stuff. Nice. Huge fan of you, sir. Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say. Thank you very much. Hell yeah. Jimmy Carr, meet Jimmy Truck. The big old boy. Michael, have you been dating at all? Are you into that? I'm trying not since I moved here, yeah. I had a little thing back home before I moved here.

50:51Have you kissed a girl in Austin, Texas yet? No, no. Really? Well, let me tell you something about this crazy show. Turn on the red lights, Kino. We have a history on this show of giving a guy his first kiss ever in Austin, Texas. In Austin, not ever. We have the best fan base in the world. They all are the coolest chicks. It has to be their idea. A lot of friends over here trying to get their friend raped. I've got serious dry mouth, too. Oh, disgusting. Michael, take a crack of can of this water real quick. Take that. Is there a girl out there in the crowd that fucking wants to stand up and be a hero on this episode of kill Tony?

51:37It'll only be seen by millions of people. She literally doesn't want to. I could take it or leave it, I'll be honest. I could take it or leave it, no pressure.

51:46Brian Redban:Anybody else? Anybody? Really? Nobody? Oh, okay, come on over. Here, send her, give her the shortcut, guys. We have a hero, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this awesome chick. Making dreams come true. This is his first Austin kiss. Wow. Unbelievable. Oh my God, you guys. Look how happy he is. Jimmy, what do you think about that? You know what you did? You just stole your bully's make-a-wish.

52:25Yes, you did. That is incredible. Oh, man. Yeah, that was good. Thanks. Whoa.

52:34Brian Redban:What's your name, sweetheart? Megan. Megan, find me after. What kind of Asian are you, Megan? Vietnamese? Look at that. Amazing. That'll work, yeah. That's one of the greatest acts of war the Vietnamese have ever done in American soil. Talk about a booby trap, right? Hello. I'm pretty sure you blew your head off before you even went to Vietnam in full metal jacket yeah oh my god

53:09Brian Redban:that is amazing Michael any other fun facts about Michael that we should know about do you have any special skills or talents or anything I don't know what kind of toys did you collect before you said you collected toys dude like Batman the Animated Series stuff like all the classic action figures that I destroyed when I was a kid. So I would buy them and then try to eBay them off. I love it. Oh, it's the worst. How about now? You got nothing now? Now I'm mostly sports gambling. Oh, okay. Is that void? How about you? Did you gamble on the UFC this past weekend at all? No, not on UFC. I lost vast sums of money betting on Conor McGregor.

53:49Vast sums of money, ladies and gentlemen. Because if he would have gotten a knockout in the first two rounds, I would have won vaster sums of money. It was fine.

54:00Brian Redban:It was only a few hundred bucks, but I could have won a lot, believe it or not. What do you gamble on, Michael? You seem like a... WNBA. Oh, wow. Look at that. We found the fan. Yeah. We did it. I don't watch the games. I just bet them to go under in the points, and it works. Are you serious? That is hilarious. That is not very good That is hilarious Do you do that as a joke? Yeah I'm going to start a whole subreddit about this I need to be making money on my tip That needs to be part of your stand up That's hilarious Just take the under That is incredible Prepartum diabetes is in the set, right?

54:48Yeah, yeah You should have opened with that That's a great line My buddy gave me that tag He'll be shocked That's great

54:54Brian Redban:That's fantastic. I mean, absolutely incredible. Well, Michael, very fun, very fun set. Here's a big joke book. Welcome. There he goes. The Kill Tony debut of Michael Head, ladies and gentlemen.

55:15Brian Redban:All right, you know what? We're going to get one of our great regulars out here. We love this guy. He does a brand new Minute Plus every week. Not easy to do at all. One of the hardest things to do in the entire industry. Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching him grow and explode in front of your very eyes. This is the Black Shogun, the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

55:44What's up? Can I open up to you? Do you think, like, you know when you first meet, like, your friends, kids, Like, they just drop a new baby. And then when you go meet DaBaby, when you touch DaBaby, DaBaby start crying. It's because DaBaby, remember all the nut punches you gave his father? You know, like a revenge punch. Like, they hit you in the ball, so you hit that nigga. You was like, your kids go feel it, but now you get to see it. Now you get to see it. I've been trying, now I get to punch my nephews now. They, like, 15 years old, and they get disrespectful. One of my nephews walked, I walked in the house.

56:21All the rest of them was Uncle Daddy, Uncle Daddy. he looked at me, he was like, what's up, Dedrick? Like, I know that nigga. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not friends with you. So I punched that nigga in his chest, right? And then he said, why did you punch me? So I hit him again, because I hate stupid questions. Right? I hate stupid questions, and I hate these little bad kids, so I had to get stronger now, because now that nigga taller than me. And so I've been eating trail mix, so I can get old man strength. Yeah, I love trail mix. trail mix you could eat 20 things at one time right it's like a dry smoothie right it's a dry smoothie

57:01and actually if you drink a smoothie and eat trail mix you could have 72 flavors in your mouth at one time and trail mix is popping it wasn't popping back in the day because them niggas didn't know m &ms have to be in there right like don't don't bring me because if the m &ms ain't in there it's just shit from outside right that's all it is that's my time out there y 'all one minute 39 seconds always working harder than he has to

57:34Brian Redban:dry smoothie hilarious so funny and the m &ms i mean you covered it dude that's fucking that is what trail mix is doing out there i think about bringing out my own line of trail mix but I'm gonna make it like Delta 8 Trail Mix. Yeah, since I'm gonna have a whole lot of Delta 8 Trail Mix and Delta 8 Beef Jerky coming out in September. We'll be working on it. I'm waiting for Red Ben to write the check. Hell yeah. Absolutely. I mean, let's face it. The more good shit that's in Trail Mix, the better it is. There's some that have the little peanut butter bites. Yeah. Some with M &Ms. in all reality in some world there is a trail mix that just has the bonus stuff in it you know what i mean the raisins the m &ms the the peanut butter bites you said the raisins is a bonus that's the whitest shit you've ever said to me oh yes i ain't never i forgot she was white till you said that i knew you was italian but now i know you also white oh like what black people black people don't eat their own kind no no that's just a raisin in the sun you know raisins are grapes right?

58:44Yeah. Oh, I see what you're doing. That's hilarious. That's hilarious, white dad. I love you so much. No, raisins is nasty. Y 'all be putting that shit in stuff that nobody has. Oh, you're talking about our potato salad right now. Yeah, you knew I was gonna get there. Oh my God. Yeah, no, we don't fuck with the raisins unless there's M &Ms next to them. Right. Then I won't notice the raisins in there. I'm with you. There's nothing more disappointing than a raisin when you thought it was gonna be a chocolate chip. Let's fuck it. That is That is true. If you're thinking it's a chocolate chip and it's a raisin, that's a little bit tough.

59:16I'm going to go with my senior raisin correspondent here, Brian Redback. You know what, Tony? I agree with you, the raisins. It's nice to have a little sweetness to it. And I like cranberries also. Ooh, cranberries. I do like cranberries. Cranberries is good. Because they got a different bag. When you go through the airport, they got all the different kind of trail mixers you can get. Sometimes I try to mix them together. I've been putting these cinnamon pecans and these honey roasted cashews. Pecans? Yeah, pecans. Oh, my goodness. You know what I'm talking about? Sounds like something you'd find on R.

59:46Kelly's floor. Pecans. Oh, my goodness gracious. I feel like I fell into a subreddit. We are talking trail mix right now. It's another rare treat here on the show. I don't think we have trail mix where I'm from. I don't really... That's why y 'all lost the war. Why y 'all lost the war. Too soon. Too soon. They just have aluminum cans of herring or whatever it is. Some fish in gel. Boiled chicken and shit. Beans and toast.

1:00:27Brian Redban:Yeah. I love y 'all. London is London is one of the few places Dedrick is still allowed to fly into. So trying to keep things square over there. I'm going to get locked up over there, too. I just want to see I want to tour the jails, too, while I'm out there. Because some people just overlook the jails when they travel. And it's like, well, you got to go in there and meet the real people. That's right. So you could get the real secrets. Right. I wouldn't have known when I was in jail in Japan. They got they they McDonald's like they have to use like real ingredients and at night they got a thing called It's called a Big Mac and it's like two like double cheeseburgers Like put together like and then they give like 10 nuggets and it's only three dollars and fifteen cents That's what my niggas in the Yakuza told me before I left.

1:01:14Whoa Jimmy Jimmy could you doctor do a little catch me up with the with a prison in Japan? Oh, so I was I was being a really cool dude I was doing some shows out in Florida, and somebody left their drugs in my bag, and then Japanese people love finding drugs. So they found it, and then they was like, you just stay here for like 23 days. Yeah, in a cell. Yeah, in a cell, like sleeping on the floor. And then they said, do you want us to contact somebody? I said, call Joe Rogan. You know what I'm saying? I said, call Joe Rogan. Tell Tony where I'm at. So they came out. Joe Rogan came out there and got me up out of there.

1:01:58Was it like a jailbreak or they paid the bond? No, it wasn't a jailbreak because I didn't want to break out because they don't give bail out to Americans because they'll say they think you're going to flee. But I was like, but y 'all have my phone, so I can't. How am I going to get back? How am I going to book a flight? You know what I'm saying? They were like, oh, well, you could jump on a ship. I said, Nick, I'm not living on a ship for three months. I can't swim. So I just stayed in the jail and shit. I'm with you on the phone thing. Come on, man. I sometimes think if I lost my phone, I'm kind of effectively homeless.

1:02:31Yeah, you're technically in. Once they took the phone, that felt more like jail. Than jail? Because I kept getting, like, ghost vibrations. Like, when I was inside the jail, like, I kept being like, somebody calling me. But they don't give you pockets in jail. So I was like, oh, yes, it can't be in my pocket. Amazing. so 23 days in a japanese jail yeah and and have you kept in touch with anyone yeah two uh two two of the guys two the guys i taught them how to get bail and stuff like that we i taught them how to like write letters to the judge i used to do that when i was a delinquent when i was a kid i used to go to jail before you were a delinquent and then i stopped and then i went back again i just wanted to see what japan yeah i really i wanted a sensei honestly i just wanted i wanted a sensei and i wanted to get stronger you know i'm saying so i thought okay let's just go to jail same amazing I love watching I love watching the British communicate with pure Atlanta just ghetto thuggery I love it I mean that is literally like that's what it's like when they make Neapolitan and the vanilla touches the chocolate sometimes and they're like we're not the same

1:03:44Brian Redban:at all we are not the same at all

1:03:52amazing well Dedrick I mean you're just a stone cold assassin we fucking love you you did it again one of the top young rising comedians in the world ladies and gentlemen Dedrick Flynn and we go on and on this young man is an absolute fucking rising star as well. One of the elite door guys here at the Comedy Mothership. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from Jay Legend, everybody. We know Jay. We love Jay. Very funny man.

1:04:29I know I'm black before I say this. I don't think racism should end. I think we should just quarantine them all in one place so they can be around like-minded people. I think that one place should be Antarctica because it's hard to say nigga and be cold. You be out there like, n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n. Never mind, you good.

1:04:57There's a lot of white people here that make me comfortable. Something I like to do to make y 'all comfortable is I like to give y 'all black words y 'all can use in public. They're not gonna sound like black words until I use them in a sentence, so be patient, all right? The black words are cologne, discreet, and innuendo. These are three of the black words. I use them all the time, but I know they don't sound like it, so I use them in a sentence. You want to be my white spokesperson for tonight? You enjoying yourself? All right, good. All right, the black words I told you, cologne, discreet, and innuendo.

1:05:32I'm not getting paid for this. Okay, so do you think you cologne me some money?

1:05:39i'm not playing because i've been out here in discreet and if you say no i'm gonna follow you home and climb in your window hey y 'all that's my time i'm delivering brilliant dismount by jay legend he's done it again folks the legend of bags and boxes let's go let's go As he has, you've merged it. You have branding now. Look at you. I fucked up last time. Wow. Brilliant maneuver. Jimmy, amazing set, right? Fantastic. Fantastic wordplay. Great writing. I loved it, man. I love the swagger as well. Me too. Usually don't like a nigga in a three-piece, but you do that shit with the pinstripes. That's amazing.

1:06:23The gloves don't fit. You must acquit. Jay Legend, how's it been going? Good, man. I've been trying to get my life correct. I'd almost died a couple months back. Tell the people about that.

1:06:36Brian Redban:We know about that. I almost died. I've been smoking too much weed. My lungs tried to give up on me. I went to the hospital. They had me in there. They were going to hook me up to some tubes. That's what saved my life. The doctor was like, we're going to have to shove this tube in your throat. I was like, y 'all ain't serving shit in my throat. Y 'all can get that shit right now. I'm not going to be gay in front of my child. Here. Hell yeah. Your kid was with you at the hospital? Yeah, his mom and them brought him out because they thought I was going to die, so they was all in there scared. Wow.

1:07:07Your lungs? Yeah, like I smoked. I'm an asthmatic, so they already weak as fuck, and then I don't stop smoking. I blame it on everything else. So I was smoking, and then my lungs was like, nigga, you need to stop. And I wasn't breathing for like an hour, like 30 minutes, 45 minutes, and then I went to the hospital.

1:07:25Brian Redban:You wasn't breathing? I wasn't breathing, dog. I ain't gonna believe I wasn't breathing, nigga. Damn. Oh, my God. So what color do you people turn when you don't breathe for an hour? Because we turn blue. I don't know. Oh, here's our senior color correspondent.

1:07:50Tell us what that was. Yeah, go ahead, Jimmy. You just say you people and he just arrived. Okay. Oh, we have this thing down to his system. Oh, he's got sunglasses on. Yeah, I just want to look like my dad. I love it. My dad, D-Madness. He never seen me before. C-Madness. Jay Legend. So, Jay, do you know your real dad?

1:08:13Brian Redban:Yeah, I know him. Oh, okay. What's he up to? You tell me. When's the last time you talked to him? I called him two days ago. What happened? I hear your answer. Phone disconnected or voicemail? No, actually what happened was he said, he picked up, he was like, I'm going to call you back. And it's been two weeks, so. Wow. Damn. It's cool. We got a good relationship. We be smoking. That's my friend more than my dad. Oh, okay. So we be chilling, smoking. You're still smoking now, despite the, remember the name you died. Come on, you know, I'm not a quitter, nigga. What do you want me to quit? We got to find you a new drug.

1:08:52Oh, this shit's bad. What do you do? Well, I mean... This nigga trying to get me to do coke or crack or something. Have you thought of edibles, though? Red Ben, everybody can't do edibles. Yeah. Red Ben's like, have you tried eating your troubles away?

1:09:15Now, Jimmy, you... What edibles does he mean sandwiches?

1:09:18Brian Redban:Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Now, Jimmy, you cold plunge and sauna, right? Yeah. ultimate white people drugs. Yes. The old WPD. Cold plunge in sauna. You ever cold plunge before? Yeah. How was that? Dumb as fuck. You didn't like it? Tell us about your cold plunge experience. I'm going to freeze myself. By the way, that might be. I think I just came up with what would be the most watched show in internet history. Black people cold plunging, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, I think I just have to absolutely start this show. John Dees, would you do it? Hell no. Yeah. Okay. All right. Be cold plunging and be like, n-n-n-n-n-n-nigga.

1:10:01No, I wouldn't. You would be in there. I would just say it. Yeah, I know. I wouldn't stutter at all. I'd be nice and warm. I'd bite me right after you. Chest bump. I love it. So, Jay, how old's your kid? I got two. A four-year-old son. He autistic and a one-year-old regular daughter. Okay, regular daughter. Yeah. Regular daughter.

1:10:21Brian Redban:You know what signs to check for after that first time. You're like, all right. What's autistic about the four-year-old? How do you know he's autistic? What's he doing? He's speech delayed, and he be stimming a lot. Stemming is like when they, like... Like, you ever got shocked by, like, a fucking tape? And they do that. They body just... The electric... The electric don't make it to their whole body, so they fucking just stiff up. Okay. You've never seen a stemmy? Just, like, they, like, get... yeah you'll be like watching word party yeah i'm like all right now calm the fuck down if i send you with your mom all right yeah this is real life jimmy these are the streets of austin texas right now discreet discreet discreet hell yeah they will climb innuendo

1:11:16Brian Redban:so Jay what else is going on anything else crazy before we get you out of here I got this song on Spotify if anybody ever watched the episode where I did Bags and Boxes that shit on Spotify it's on Spotify I love it you're trying to get me out of here quick I'm on the clock I'm trying to stay up here longer this is a full interview you did it it just flew by it gets a little bit easier every time it does it does but yeah I ain't got nothing else follow me at jlegendcomedy on all social media platforms other than that Come watch me unlock your phones after this. I'll do that shit. Yep. He is working here.

1:11:47He does work here. One of the fastest ones. Watch when you get down there. You're like, damn, you got locked. Yeah, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Secret show. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Jay Legend.

1:12:00Brian Redban:On to the next one we go. We're having fun here. We always have fun. One more time for the great Jimmy Carr hanging out with us. This guy gets it. A man of the great theaters and venues and also of the motherfucking streets. He gets it. Makes noise for your next bucket poll, Jules Villalobo, everybody. Jules Villalobo. Hey, guys. How's everybody doing? Right on. Yeah, so I live in Denver right now. We're dealing with wildfires. Sucks because you can barely see the beautiful mountains. reminds me of a time I used to manage a strip club. I actually had a stripper named Wildfire who could barely see.

1:12:46Yeah, we had to pick up her tips from the stage after she would dance. It sucked because one time she was giving a lap dance and the guy was sitting in his chair and he moved to the side. She didn't realize it or recognize it. She couldn't see shit. So she just ate it. She just straight up ate it. It was a thing.

1:13:16I'm going to end it with this. What did...

1:13:22What did one stoned mushroom with chips say to another stoned mushroom? Shit. Takis?

1:13:35Wow, Jules. Jules, Thea, Lobo, everybody.

1:13:39Brian Redban:Yikes. Jules, welcome, welcome, Jules. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Tony, this is my first time. Wow. What made you want to start today? Tony, I'm a big fan of the show, and I know you say all the time, why am I not sitting over there? Man, I... Hold on, wait, wait, wait. What do I say all the time? You always say, if you're a big fan of the show, why aren't you sitting in the chairs as opposed to performing? Oh, to people that don't prepare and sign up and bomb for a minute. Right. Go ahead. Okay, so now what's your point? What were you going to say? Big fan, Tony. Ray-Ban, big fan.

1:14:14Brian Redban:All right. You're being weird. Relax. So is stand-up a thing that you even want to do, or should I just get you out of here and get a name out of the bucket? I DJ, so I really just want to come up here, express how much I love the show, make a couple people chuckle, and let them know that I'm going to have going on. You did some of that. Jimmy? just relax breathe in through the nose out with the hopes and dreams yeah

1:14:43yeah Jules if you just came up here to tell us big fan and that you like us thank you so much we're going to keep it moving along there he goes Jules Villalobo everybody you know every once in a while you try with these people lovey said yeah well i mean they know i do say don't sign up if you're not prepared and don't take it seriously let's take a moment to thank the people out there that have not prepared a minute and didn't sign up thank you that's a good point a hand for you guys for not signing up while not preparing all right ladies and gentlemen this young man does stand-up comedy funny guys been on this show before i recognize the name make some noise this is a brand new minute for andrew packer everybody

1:15:44america so happy to be back man this is great america's been rubbing off on me quite a bit i've been i went to texas here seven times this past year man and uh yeah my last trip i went to a gun range and i shot guns for the first time in my life and that is the austin response to that i guess i was talking about this in dallas and the whole crowd just instantly explosive applause just like massive like they started a usa chant the usa usa i closed on it i couldn't follow it i did 12 seconds on the show that night and dudes came up to me after they were happy they're like bro what's your instagram i was like like the way you said like i shot guns and we went usa i was so nuanced crazy man and life's so exciting right now man uh my wife and i were talking about having kids and we're talking about it a lot because she's pregnant

1:16:47really dominating the conversation i don't want the bear what's up andrew packer hello welcome

1:16:54Brian Redban:You did it.

1:16:58Brian Redban:Andrew, remind everybody, because I don't think everyone knows. Where are you from? I'm from Canada. Right. What part of Canada? Toronto. Okay. Toronto, Canada. Jimmy knows it well. Jimmy, what do you think about Andrew Packer? Well, I think if you'd opened on the last bit, I would have preferred it. I thought it was a great joke. I appreciate it. Talking about having kids. She's pregnant. It was a great gag. I'd open on that. Yeah. I thought the other bit was a little bit weaker. But I liked it. The whole time I was thinking this is what it would look like if we found like a hair from Theo Vaughn and we re-grew him.

1:17:31Like we're going to re-grow him in a lab. And we're going to bring him up in Canada so nothing interesting happens to him.

1:17:41Brian Redban:There is a touch of that. You do have an odd swagger, slight swagger to you. There's no sleeps tonight. No. No. No. There it is. It's hot. So, what's going on, Andrew? You have a pregnant wife. How pregnant is she? She is so pregnant that I shouldn't be here. Amazing. Amazing. But she supports you, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does, man. How far along are we talking? She's like 38 weeks pregnant right now. I fly back tomorrow. Wow. I go, I love you so much. Are you going to be there for the birth? Absolutely. Absolutely, man. Yeah. Shoulders and above, my friend. Shoulders and above. You've got no business down the business end when that's going on.

1:18:28It's not dignified for her. It's not great for you either. It's like watching your favorite bar burn down.

1:18:38You'll be looking on, thinking about all the good times you had in there. Sure, you know they're going to rebuild it, but it's never going to be the same. Have you witnessed her birth? Have I? What, sorry? Have you witnessed her birth? Yeah, I was at one. Just someone's? No, it was mine.

1:18:58Yeah. Very relatable, I guess, yeah. Thank you, yeah. No, I've been to some births, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They let you in, you laugh weird, and they're like, he's here sometimes.

1:19:17Got it. It is iconic. That laugh is iconic.

1:19:21Brian Redban:So, Andrew, this is your first kid coming out? Yeah, first one. I love it. And how long have you been away from her? She's up in Canada? Yeah, she's up in Canada, and I flew in yesterday. You flew into Austin yesterday? Yeah, yeah. For what? This? Yeah. Wow. Take a shot. Incredible. Look at you. Could have easily just ended up at Shakespeare's and missed the birth of your first child. Really just living the dream. I love it. Risky business, taking a chance. This is the kind of irresponsible I like in a comedian. Heard of Russian roulette. This must be Canadian roulette. Signing up for Kill Tony when your wife could burst at any moment.

1:20:00Brian Redban:Yeah. Amazing. So what else is going on in life, Andrew? What have we been missing up in the old CA? I mean, this is really dominating the focus lately. It's just becoming like a dad and just focusing on making sure that that goes. What are your plans for being a good dad? Are you doing anything outside of the box? Any plans of doing anything different? I mean, my dad is pretty solid, so I'm just trying to go off of his plan. What did your dad do that you respect that you like? He was around. Wow. That's it. That's a pretty big deal, as we've heard from some of our black comedians earlier. That's a pretty big deal.

1:20:37Being around is a big deal. You know, there's sex in a name. I'm sure you do, but what is it? Are you asking about sex with my baby right now, dude? No. Yeah. Yeah, it's a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:20:48Brian Redban:What are you going to name him? Ah, we don't know yet. Yeah. The last name, like, Packer. It's tough. You have a lot of options. It makes it hard. Peter Packer? Fred Packer? Peter Packer picked a patch of pickled peppers, perhaps? It's actually, that's what makes it so challenging. It's like, you know, like, because you're very limited on the first names you can give when your last name's Packer. You know, like, I'll never have a son named Richard. Right. Or Fudge.

1:21:17not a i want to name him pussy i feel like oh pussy packer i got the only last name that makes pussy the hardest first name in the game oh yeah dude i send this kid into the world as pussy packer no one's wife is safe absolutely there's probably a name that you could do that kind of you know it seems like like gash maybe call him gash you know gash packer i'll run that by my wife Yeah, totally. I go, listen, honey, Red Band had a good idea. Yeah, exactly. Would you please? Look, I know you thought my trip to Austin was selfish, but all we did was talk about you and the baby. Anyway, how about Gash Packer?

1:22:04I don't know if it has a ring to it. I don't know. My goodness. This is why dudes aren't allowed to decide names. Yeah, you spend too much time here, the kid's name's going to be Shit Jack Packer. The Kill Tony universe. This place is out of control. All right, Andrew.

1:22:22Brian Redban:Well, congrats on the up-and-coming child. You had a fucking great set. Good stuff. Andrew Packer. There he goes. On to the next one we go. We're flying through them tonight, baby. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Try the macadamia cookies, baby. All right. On to the next one. It's the impression of Nick's dad for no reason, for those of you. For the four people that get it. For the four people that get it, you're going to love it. Look at them laughing. It's that funny. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Isaac Kane Brown, everybody. Three-word name.

1:23:07One fish. Two fish. Oh, my God. a second fish has hit the tower. Holy mackerel.

1:23:24My buddy's a hypochondriac. He keeps telling me the bird flu. The bird flu. It's like, yeah, that's what they do.

1:23:40Speaking of birds, I hate crows. I hate them. They're the ones that made all those racist laws.

1:23:56You want to hear a bad one? Oh, fuck. Black people can't swim because they're the color of rocks. That's my time.

1:24:13Brian Redban:Wait, what? They're the color of rocks. Yeah. Okay. I really don't want to be up here anymore. Why? What's wrong? What happened? I have bad stage fright. You have bad stage fright. You've been on before, though, right? Yeah. Jimmy Carr. Whose autistic child are you? Stemming what you're seeing right here is I'm stemming. Okay, leave the last joke to one side. If you're going to do something that touches on race, it'd be super fucking funny. Yeah. Okay, let's put that to one side. The rest of it I really liked. Yeah. You seem great, man. Oh, thank you. Kind of very individual voice and kind of weird and wonderful and surreal.

1:24:58Yeah, great. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Relax. Tell us your story. You asked whose autistic child I was. My brother is the autistic one. I was just homeschooled. Yeah, perfect.

1:25:13Brian Redban:So I think it's kind of like a... Yeah. Where were you homeschooled at? Home. Right, yeah.

1:25:24Very good.

1:25:29My mind is blown. What, uh, where at? What city? What state? Springfield, Illinois. Okay, the home of the Simpsons. Who cheered for that? That feels like you missed out a lot, because you kind of have the demeanor of a school shooter. Well... But you didn't get to go. Well, I did join the military. Oh, you did? Military? Yeah. This is why Iran is not going so great. Yeah. What did you do in the military? I was an infantryman. Oh, wow. I thought you were going to say chef. No.

1:26:08What if America's enemies see this?

1:26:10Brian Redban:Yeah, this is incredible. Did you serve overseas? Yes, I did. Wow, where at? We went on a MEU, which is a Marine Expeditionary Unit. That's when you ride with the Navy. And I did a very small amount of time in Iraq. Wow, what exactly did you do in Iraq? Tell us about it. well they got mad at me because i loaded the magazine upside down in the gun oh my goodness especially when it's a mad magazine that's the worst part let me worry mostly you know just i cried a little bit not because it was bad it was just really hot yeah yeah you cried yeah in iraq yeah i feel weird about thank you for your service i guess wow how long were you in iraq for um a little over a month we didn't do anything crazy right right right what did you see anything crazy uh i saw a10 gun run that was pretty cool what exactly is that?

1:27:16You know that plane that sounds like it's farting when it shoots the gun?

1:27:19Brian Redban:Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that. Did you cry when you saw that? Yeah. Tell us about the times you cried in Iraq. Were there any more? There's a thing over there called camel spiders. Ooh. And they're about like yay big, give or take. Uh-huh. And when it's really hot, they try to find shade so they'll chase your shadow. Oh, fuck. yeah oh fuck oh and you were crying oh yeah wow they'll chase your shadow nature is something else saying it holy fucking shit can you imagine that can you imagine if one of those spiders saw fucking John D's over here on the keys and he wouldn't even know where the shadow starts and where the shadow ends, it'd be a double shadow.

1:28:14The double shadow, John Dees. New nickname activated. That's fucking crazy. Amazing. And I'm definitely calling a Sanamata... What is it again?

1:28:25Brian Redban:A sand spider? What was it? A camel spider. Perfect. Yeah. That sounds like a racist term for sure. Yeah, the guy at 7-Eleven was a real camel spider. You know what I mean? I love when I do a racist joke and I look and your face doesn't change at all God love you We have the best time together Look at him grabbing his own fingers over there comforting himself saying that he's not the autistic one I can't imagine how autistic your brother must be for him to be the autistic one Well, he lays concrete in full supreme. What do you mean in full supreme? You know the clothing brand? All the, like, you know, says supreme on it.

1:29:14There's a guy in the far... I didn't even know the room could be that far back.

1:29:18Brian Redban:I didn't even know this room's back wall, which I know very well. I've spent many, many, many hours here. I did not know it was possible to laugh from that far. Did anybody else hear that? There's a man, like, a mile away going...

1:29:36All right, go ahead. He lays concrete wearing Supreme. Yeah. For a living? Is that part of it? Yeah, he does it for a living. Wow. Well, it's not part of it, but I think he just really likes the clothes, I imagine. Fashion and all that. How does he get that trip? You don't need to tell us.

1:29:53Brian Redban:Yeah. So he does hard, grinding, grueling, Italian-esque work, but dressed well. Yeah. Like Luigi Vuitton or something like that. All right. Well, Isaac Kane-Brown, we like your style. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Thank you so much.

1:30:17Where's Colt at? Who's having fun out there tonight, huh? Look at this guy ducking down being a good sport. Look at the little guy. I think he might actually just be that tall. That's adorable. absolutely adorable well I got news for you I love this name that I pulled the last time this young lady was on this show we had a fucking blast this is someone who I'm secretly rooting for right now to have a great set make some noise for my long awaited return of Yehe everybody we love Yehe oh yeah yeah look at Yehe over here

1:31:01Brian Redban:One more time for Yehi, everybody. Here, we got you. We're coming for you, Yehi. Hell yeah.

1:31:13Brian Redban:Michael, grab that mic stand real quick. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for the comedy stylings of Yehi.

1:31:25as you can see i am bisexual

1:31:37but i date mostly men because it doesn't look like i can scissor

1:31:47I've been doing comedy for a year and the coolest thing that happened was that I got accused of being a blood

1:31:58but what do I have to do to prove that I'm a crip you know I've been crib walking since the womb you feel me

1:32:14my mom gave me thick skin for comedy because growing up she'd be like yeah yeah why you look so disabled i'm sorry mom i'll just I'm going up here fuck dude to get back to my mom I got fake titties cause 7 grand is a lot cheaper than trying to fix what the fuck's going on out here you know what I'm saying keep your eyes up here thank you my name is Yehi

1:32:41Brian Redban:I love it welcome back Yehi tomorrow's my birthday happy birthday Yehi

1:32:54Brian Redban:amazing am i right jimmy is this not one of the most adorable little fucking fetal alcohol whatever's you've ever seen before a lot of sake it took to make this one my dad pushed my mom down the stairs that's how this happens i love it amazing you're it's fine dude i got the i got it makes all my muscles tired we're doing good we're doing good yay welcome back. Hi. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Jimmy Carr, you ever seen anything like this? I need some backstory here.

1:33:30Come on. Do you want your chopsticks back? No. How dare you?

1:33:39What did D Madness say? He said, you want your chopsticks back? Oh no, that was Red Man. That'd be crazy if D Madness knew that she dropped her crutches. D Madness is blind. he has no idea what the fuck's going on up here he's like who's that cool-ass black bitch

1:33:57Brian Redban:who's that tall athletic black bitch up there right now all right yeah he um remind us all how long have you been doing stand-up uh like a year and two months a year and two months and you are uh a viral sensation what I love, and I mean, I think everybody knows it. Last time you were on, a magical moment happened where famously I wanted to throw the big joke book at you. You said, Tony, there's no way I can catch that. I said, yes, you can. You said, no, I can't. And you go, that's a hate crime. And I go, no, it's not. You're going to do it. Open your mind. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

1:34:37Brian Redban:And it's an amazing moment. And you fucking caught the joke book. Yeah, you taught me how to catch. What are you going to do next? Are you going to teach me how to ride a bike? Are you going to be my daddy? Oh, my God. Yehi, you better stop it. I'll tell you. You are kind of oddly hot tonight. I don't know what's going on. There's something about that skirt. You got fucking tattoos now? I don't remember that since the last time I saw you. I have shorts underneath, so I'm protected. You are oddly hot in the weirdest of ways. I'm in this way. You just didn't know. It was the winter last time, so.

1:35:11Damn. Yehi, you're a little summer treat. You're a little fucking. Thank you. I know. Look at you. you little fucking beef dumpling you. You are absolutely steamy tonight. This is absolutely incredible. Korean barbecue. Hell yeah. I guarantee it's all you can eat. You ain't stopping nobody. No. My goodness. Jimmy, what does it feel like to be in the middle of this exchange? I'm sorry.

1:35:47I sort of don't know where to look. Yeah, you are. I didn't get the backstory from last time. So what's the... Whose idea was this? Was this like... I was actually unplanned. Wouldn't you be pissed? You were on what? I was unplanned. I was a mistake, baby.

1:36:04Brian Redban:It's amazing that they let you live. I have cerebral palsy. I was three months premature. Wow. So you think in three months time you might be okay? I'm still premature it looks like so yeah you're so cool how's Austin, Texas treating you? really well I've been here for a little while I gave myself a little summer camp like a comedy summer camp I'm staying here for a little bit to the end of the month and I've been and where do you live full time? I'm in Houston Houston? Houston oh my goodness yeah I have a Nissan Altima with a cracked windshield and everything you know oh my goodness I didn't understand any of that

1:36:48I don't know if that's my problem or you. Or is it maybe just my, I don't know.

1:36:53Brian Redban:You're doing great. I have that Houston slang, so. I love it. Absolutely. You love Houston? That's where you're born and raised? I'm annoying about it, too, yeah. I love Houston. I love it. Top Strop, Fat Pat. You know what I'm talking about? Maybe, I don't know. Okay. All right. Maybe I, I don't know. You're doing perfect, Yehi. You're doing perfect. Thank you. So do you have a day job or anything? What do you do? Are you a... What are you a... I'm an online math teacher, but something tells me that's... That seems a bit racist. We already established that last time, but yeah. I mean, like...

1:37:29Yeah, I mean, like, I follow all of my stereotypes.

1:37:33Brian Redban:Like what? How bad of a driver are you? I'm surprisingly a great driver. Really? I drive with my hands so I can't look at my phone. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Oh, and I got a new boyfriend. Oh, tell us about this boyfriend. He has one nut. Oh, my God. How many did he have before he started fucking you? Two. But, yeah, he lost it to cancer, but he's good now. Wow. Amazing. How long have you been with this guy? Just, like, since March. It's very fresh. Very fresh. Where'd you meet him at? Actually, Kill Tony sign-ups whenever my episode aired. Look at that. Only at Kill Tony sign-ups. Shut up. Can a man with one testicle meet a whatever the fuck this is.

1:38:21An absolute thunderbolt. Fault in our stars in real life. What can I say? Oh, Yehi, I love your energy. I love you. Jimmy Carr. I didn't know you were a doctor. I didn't know you. I didn't know the medical term was whatever the fuck this is. Listen, I think if you taught me how to ride a bike, that would go even more viral. What do you think? I think me teaching you how to ride a bike would end up, again, with me being sued. There's only one way that ends, and I picture just... Actually, there's two ways it could end. Either you fall to the left or the right. I like the idea of you being a good driver, but I mean, if you do get in a crash, it's going to be amazing right because you they'll come to the are you okay and you'll get out yeah i'm oh my god what have i done yeah no yeah absolutely actually i think one time someone tried to scam me i knew i was driving correctly and claiming i didn't use my signals and i did and i can then i came out there she was like oh never mind i don't want the smoke

1:39:28Brian Redban:So this new boyfriend, is he a white guy? He's German and Mexican. Ooh, wow. He hates walls, doesn't he? Well, I'll tell you this. His one nut works for two. That's the most Mexican thing about him. Okay, repeat that one more time. It's a little bit slower. His one nut works for two, which is the most Mexican thing about him. Tell us about making love. What are some of your tricks in the bedroom, Yehi? I mean, I can't even imagine what it's like when those sweet fucking leg braces of yours are just up in the air. I mean, I can't even imagine. You must be a wild cat in the bedroom. I know you play it cool here.

1:40:19Brian Redban:You pretend like you're a little bit hurt or whatever. but in the bedroom I bet it's just anything goes all day, every day wantons of fun, am I right? I'm all holes that's all I can say Oh my god, you see what I'm saying? Look at Red Band, he's hard as a rock right now Unbelievable I just saw a really funny video of her I guess you do this all the time it was a busy road, a lot of traffic and you just walk right through the middle of it like a homeless person Yeah, I say walk But I don't think I'm Japanese. I K-walk, you know? You Korean walk. Yeah. Amazing. Yehi, tell us more. I got to know more about you.

1:41:00Brian Redban:What else do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? You already know I go to the gym. You go to the gym? I know, right? I do a lot of journaling. At the gym? Actually, I did it at Firestone a few days ago because I needed like two tires replaced. You needed what? I don't get into accidents. I just hit nerves. You had to have to get your tires replaced. I don't get into accidents. I just found myself. Exactly what do you do at the gym? Take us through a workout with Yehi. PPL, push-pull legs. Just like machines though. I don't have good enough grip for like free weights.

1:41:41I try my best. I look like this for a reason. I'm supposed to be fat and I'm not.

1:41:46Brian Redban:Yehi, I swear to God, you're killing it. Did you really get fake boobs? I did. Wow. You chose to get small fake boobs. They were reasonable. I tried to get bigger, but my doctor was like, that's going to go onto your armpits. You're going to get an uni boob. And I was like... Well, of course, when your doctor is your father, they're going to say that. They're always like, no, not too big. Actually, actually, I reunited with my dad for the first time. You what? I reunited with my dad for the first time last year after 14 years. My dad left when I was 16. Wow. And having daddy issues. I'm not immune to it just because I'm crippled.

1:42:27But, yeah. And he was like, after 14 years, he dared to be like, you want your eyes done while you're here? Because I'll pay for it. You'll be more successful. I'm like, wow, I feel so welcomed already, you know?

1:42:41Brian Redban:That's what he wanted to fix was your eyes. Right? Of all the fucking things. He's like, hey, let me pay to get your eyes done. I know. Like, I mean. I know. It's like the broken window theory. You know, you just take care of the little things. You get the eyes done and then maybe the legs will kick in. Yeah, maybe she just couldn't see good. That's why she can't walk properly. I have a master's degree. I got a 4.0 on that. And when I told him about it, he didn't give a shit. But he cared about my eyes. Where is your father? Where does he live? He's in South Korea. He's a good man now, so don't worry about it.

1:43:16Brian Redban:Doctor? Is he a doctor? What is he in South Korea? What does he do? He drives tour buses. Oh, wow. I think we have a sound effect for that, I do believe. There you go.

1:43:35Hell yeah. Why don't you just stay with us tonight? Let me just chill. We only have a couple bucket pools left. I'm already dressed for the occasion. I'm in all red. You are adorable. You have to see her little red converse is hanging. They're not even touching the floor. Mike, grab her crutches.

1:43:58Brian Redban:Reset the mic stand. Let's turn on mic four. Kino and crew. This is adorable. I'm like sitting next to Kermit the Frog. Yehi, I would love to also have you on the secret show Thursday. Of course. You just got booked on a real... I'm already here, bitch. That's right. Yehi's a spunky little, spunky little girl. All right, you give Michael that one. Oh, that's your dad again. Aw.

1:44:30Yehi's...

1:44:34Brian Redban:Yehi. Yehi. Yehi. Join us on panel. Just stick around for the next two comedians. I would love to. And then we just don't, so the deal is you just don't interrupt the minute. And I ask the basic questions and you get to just sit back and fucking crank home runs whenever you want. My heels were clicking. Okay. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Yehi has joined the panel in a stunning turn of events. Only on Kill Tony does magic like this happen. Yehi, put the microphone down on the table. Just sit it down. I have to grab things at all times. You're perfect. There you go. All right. Yehi, you ready to watch someone do a minute?

1:45:21What I'm going to be looking out for, by the way, just to let you know, I've been doing this show for 13 years. Never missed a Monday, right? What I'm looking forward to is when the comedian, because I always look, and they always give a glance at who the guest is, and I've noticed every fucking comedian tonight is like,

1:45:36Brian Redban:oh, shit, Jimmy Carr, right? like there's a second where I see like them identify the legendary Jimmy Carr and what I'm going to love is I'm going to love watching them go from Jimmy to what the fuck is this I just made a snot rocket fly out of my nose I literally pictured like what that's going to they're going to be like is that fucking what is it Margaret Cho or something like what even is that Ali Walk Wong that's one Allie, walk, Wong. Oh, my God. I love you. I love you, Yehe. I love you. You might have a new white boyfriend by the end of this episode, Yehe. Look out. Someone's going to learn how to ride a motherfucking bicycle this week.

1:46:23I'll learn to ride something. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I might be the one wearing leg braces next week. This bitch is gonna wear me out to the bones.

1:46:40All right.

1:46:45Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of John Sheeran, everybody. Make some noise for John.

1:47:02I had to break up with a girl this week because she wanted a relationship. But I'm on the management track at work, and I'm not going to get there unless I can prove that I'll enforce the glass ceiling. I only eat off of plastic plates because that way women know that I don't do commitment or dishes. I buy my plates at the Dollar Tree, but when I'm ready for a family, I'll start shopping at the family dollar. I'll buy my condoms there. Because family dollar condoms, they don't break. The bank. And you will start a family for a dollar. Getting commitment from a guy really is a glass ceiling. But we tend to treat it like plastic.

1:47:57And we bend it as far as we can before we commit. But sometimes, guys, we push too far. And you know what it's like to bust through plastic.

1:48:11Hey, John Shear and Jimmy Carr. Have you... You thought about leg braces. Have I thought about leg braces? Just a question. Some people wear leg braces and they're super funny. I'm just saying. Good work. They'd make me taller, maybe. Hell yeah. John, how long have you been doing stand-up?

1:48:32Brian Redban:About six months. Six months. Where at? Raleigh, North Carolina. Raleigh, North Carolina. And you came here just for this? What are you doing in Austin? Needed a vacation. Okay. And then decided maybe I'll move here. Okay. How long have you been here? Thursday, so about five days. What do you think about it so far? It's good. I don't know if I like HEB. They make you bring your own bags. Wait a second. Double burns from this guy. I swear to God, if they let people bring guns into the mothership. There's so much going on just from that one statement. You don't know if you like H-E-B, and they made you bring...

1:49:15Brian Redban:What do you mean they made you bring your own bags? You know how they make you either buy or bring reusable bags? No, they don't do that. The one I went to did. What do you mean? Anyway, so the bag, it says Texas Native, and then it lists a bunch of native Texas plants on it. Have you all noticed that?

1:49:34Matt Buehling, who only speaks once every three months, has acknowledged those are great bags.

1:49:40Brian Redban:I'm going to check in with the panelist of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, let's see what Yehe thinks about this. I initially felt bad that the painter heckled you, kind of, but now I'm cool with it. What do you... One second. The first native plant is the black-eyed Susan. And I just didn't know that Texans were so proud of domestic violence. Okay, John. All right, let's talk about it. My goodness, John, I'm really trying. My dad pushed my mom down the stairs.

1:50:18She's like a doll that you pull the string on. My mom pushed my mom down the stairs.

1:50:27Brian Redban:I'm from Houston. I think we all like, we look like dolls, but different price rates.

1:50:40I'm worth more than all of you This one's kind of busted It's a little bit cheaper

1:50:47Brian Redban:Yehi, you are the shit You are such a good fucking spirit You guys are bumping mics over here So, John You are in the presence of one of the comedy gods here Yehi Who is judging you greatly Six months in Raleigh, North Carolina and you come out guns a-blazin' in the interview dissing H-E-B. What do we have to do to get you back to Raleigh, North Carolina? I mean, you know H-E-B. We have a beloved grocery store here. Literally does everything better, makes everything better. Produce is fresher. Meat is fresher. Nobody's ever had an issue with a bag there in their fucking lives. The bags are great.

1:51:30You get free bags. You can buy it in a fancy bag. It's like a fucking museum. I guess I'm just an easy mark. I don't know. Man, good Lord.

1:51:40Brian Redban:Okay, John, what do you do for fun? Tell us something good about you that will make the whole audience love you instead of hate you. I play a lot of volleyball. Oh, boy. A fun fact. Everybody that dislikes H-E-B loves volleyball. Just a fun fact. Wow. What else? Tell us something else. Give us one more thing. Volleyball didn't exactly do it.

1:52:08I used to work at Jimmy John's. Okay. All right. Yikes. It's not getting any better, John. It's not getting any better. Yehi? Jimmy? I feel like we're two questions away from lynching this guy. Now, did you ever volunteer? Or maybe we're trying to give you something. Oh, my God. How adorable is Yehi? Did you ever volunteer or something?

1:52:36Brian Redban:We're trying to give you something. She's really spelling it out. This little sweet thing is literally like feels bad for him. Think about that. Just met her dad. Leg braces galore. Can't even fucking stand straight. And she's like, how do we help this guy?

1:52:56When I was back there, did I hear that your boyfriend has one testicle? Yes, sir. Oh. I was born that way, too. Wow, you were born that way. Born that way. Wow, so God.

1:53:14Are you trying to say you're in line or...

1:53:18Brian Redban:Redeeming qualities. Wow, you have one more testicle than I thought you had, my friend. Here's a little joke book. Sign up, come back again some other time with a different minute. John Sheeran, ladies and gentlemen. We are now going to do one final bucket pool. We're into overtime, everybody. I just want one more bucket pool, literally just for the reason that I explained earlier about seeing the panel because that one was behind the curtain, I realized. So this is the real one here where it's going to be like, should be a second. There should be a double take of them. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

1:53:55For the final bucket pool of the night, it's Galena Ravina. Galena Ravina.

1:54:04My girlfriends wanted to do a vacation this year, so they suggested a girls' trip to Dubai. To which I said, if we're going to do a girls' trip, do you mind if we pick a country that likes girls? That's not my idea of getting stoned. it's hard to feel unsafe all the time as a woman i wanted to be proactive so i signed up for kickboxing classes now if someone tries to abduct me i have something to talk about in the van i'd have to be like please abduct me just like i learned in class cannot fight you out of sequence it was a groupon

1:54:54was that a minute no you said 10 seconds left oh all right i used to have a lot of peeping toms they were all men pretty male-dominated profesh all right all right there you go look

1:55:08Brian Redban:at that a true professional galena ravina galena i know you from doing stand-up in la correct That's right. Heck yeah. How long have you been doing it? 11 years. 11 years. That's right. I remember you. We know you very well, right, Red Band? And welcome, welcome. What brings you to Austin, Texas? The comedy scene. Yes, indeed. Do you live here now? I do. How long have you lived here? Six months now. Awesome. Well, welcome, welcome. How do you feel about H-E-B? Very easy question. Just take it and dunk the ball. I love it. It's the only grocery store I've ever walked into where I saw a man holding a pigeon.

1:55:43There you go. On top of many other great things, that's also another thing. Sometimes there's a man holding a pigeon with great bags around him.

1:55:53Brian Redban:Hell yeah, Galena Ravina. How does it feel to be up here with the great Jimmy Carr and the legendary Yehi? Fantastic. Just two legends indeed, like you said.

1:56:09My father pushed my mother down the stairs.

1:56:28Brian Redban:I fucking love it. Yehi, you have any notes or anything? Any feedback? I don't know. I'm curious. Can you carry me? Are you strong? I could carry you. I work out a lot. Let's do it. Oh, my goodness. Are we real? You want to do it? Get on my back. I mean, you're not allowed to sue us or anything. Watch out. In all seriousness. There's a cord. Watch out for the cord there. Oh, boy. Whoa. Okay. Stop this. Put her down. Put her down. Put her down. Lawsuit incoming. Finally made it. Don't want to lose it. Look, I don't want to be that guy, but seriously, what's the worst that could happen? I'm sorry.

1:57:13I'm sorry. When she said she was a woman in a male-dominated field, I'm just tempted. And she's so beautiful. Well, thank you. I do work out a lot. I mean, I usually just do Kegels, but that works too. Hey! It's a very good gag. Absolutely. They got type 1s, so... Well, when you've got... If you had that Kegels gag locked and loaded, open with that. That's great. It's a great little one-liner bang. Funny, immediately. Love it.

1:57:42Brian Redban:Boom. Off and running. that is true fast and furious is good right from the gut Galena tell us a little fun fact about your life that might surprise us I'm Ukrainian whoa look at that that's unusual for a Mexican lady isn't it yeah

1:58:06I mean I don't work at the airport but no you fucking not

1:58:22Oh, my God.

1:58:25Brian Redban:That is amazing. How Ukrainian are you? I can start speaking Russian. Wow. I'm so Ukrainian, I speak Russian. Oh, my God. That is amazing. This is like when I found out Yehi drives a car. You do? I do.

1:58:44I think I think it's a Waymo and they just let her pretend I'm waiting for a Waymo to hit me, goddammit

1:58:55Maybe I can afford some new legs, how about that?

1:59:07I think she drives a car Are you driving?

1:59:18Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Galina Ravina. Amazing. Speak Russian for us just a little bit. Say something that's like five or ten seconds long. Can you do a joke in Russian?

1:59:31Brian Redban:How Moscow is it? What? I'm setting you up for the punchline. How Moscow is it? Oh, yes. Good. Now say it forwards. Satan is the one true God. Selena, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. And here's a big joke book for you. Galena Radina. Amazing.

2:00:04Brian Redban:Great stuff. And we are down to our final comedian of the night, our super regular, our freak of nature. The great Heidi. Do you have a sippy cup for her, Heidi? I'm just kidding. Look at that. Look who's having the time of her life tonight. Can you believe it? It's great, because it was just us, and now, you know. Bull fun with two and a half people here.

2:00:30I love it. I'm having a great time. Hell yeah, you fucking better be. This is the make-a-wish of a century right now. I mean, that'd be crazy if she's like, can I get out of here? This sucks.

2:00:45Ladies and gentlemen, we've been doing this show a very long time. We've had a lot of different regulars. Early on, we had some brand spanking new females that we thought it would be an interesting experiment to literally watch people grow and try to write a new minute every week, but it's so fucking hard to do that the whole thing has kind of been an experiment the entire time.

2:01:15Brian Redban:Sometimes they're more physical, right? You're Ari Matty's. You're this, you're that. The roasting stable styles of David Lucas. Your insane silliness of William Montgomery. They come in so many different shapes and sizes. I got to tell you, man, this guy that's closing tonight's show, I mean, I'm just in absolute awe of his writing, of his performing. I think as the show has evolved, he has become what could be considered the perfect fucking specimen for a guy that does a new minute every single week. He is the fastest rising comedian in all of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Pat O 'Neill.

2:02:05Folks! Other night I was in bed with this girl and she squirted? Yeah. Last time I take her to Taco Bell.

2:02:23It's not pee.

2:02:32Hey.

2:02:36And fellas, you ever in bed with your gal and you know you think she might be faking it? I was there myself recently and eventually just had to ask, are those even real tears?

2:02:50Folks, this girl, she's really into rough sex. Just doesn't know it yet, you know?

2:03:02Last week I took her horse riding the old Texas abortion.

2:03:10Some people down here, they say abortion, it should be allowed, but only in instances of rape and incest. But I think it should probably only be for rape. Because if you are having consensual incest, I think you should have to keep that fucking retard.

2:03:28Really the only way people ever learned throughout history. All right, thank you. The real deal. Pat O 'Neill has, without a doubt, Thank you, folks. Done it again. Wow. I'm excited to hear the great, and I mean truly one of the great writers and performers in the history of stand-up, the great Jimmy Carr. You're seeing Pat O 'Neill for the first time. You've been a regular guest on this show for over a decade. It's banger after banger after banger. Not only great jokes, but perfect delivery. It's a joy to watch. Thank you, sir. What the fuck? Thank you. You bring it. You bring it. I love it on this show when someone's done the work.

2:04:13Like, the amount of work that went into that set. The amount of gags. Because you could have floated by on two of those. And there was four great jokes. Like, one after the other. Perfect delivery. Your whole persona is just, it's just on point. I love it. Thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you. What's not to like? We've checked in with a man that's done arenas and giant theaters. Let's wait to see what she thinks. All around the globe.

2:04:43It is time for us to check in with Yehi, ladies and gentlemen. You're so funny. You're really funny. And I really thought that you look like both Rick and Morty at the same time. And you really do. Thank you. Everybody on the internet and Timmy No Bricks certainly made that joke. And also you look like Randall from Monsters, Inc. and Jerry the Mouse. How about that? Keep going, Ihi. Just keep naming things that he looks like. No, it's okay. No, I'm shy about it. Amazing. I like Nickelodeon, too. Yeah. No, it's great. Jimmy? I kind of get, I get, like, Christian Slater in true romance. Yeah. If it had been real life, not a movie.

2:05:26Yeah. Yeah. No, there is that vibe. I see it. I feel it. Harry Potter and Gollum. That's good. That's my last one.

2:05:42Amazing. She's a little superstar, right? Well, she's probably wondering what he's got. It is amazing. Someone's mummy threw someone down the stairs.

2:05:58I mean, Pat, you are the man. I'm just an absolute obvious super fan. I'm so excited to see you make your Madison Square Garden debut and also our takeover of Las Vegas. Arenas galore. That's my first time going to New York. Yeah. Stand up? Overall. Your first time in New York, you're playing Madison Square Gardens. I guess. Yeah. Yes, that is. I mean, that's me finding out, too, but that is amazing. That's got to be your first and last trip. You cannot go back again. Fuck it. It is true. You're not going to top that. Go Sox. MSG spoiler alert Madison Square Garden is such an addicting venue that you'll do anything to go back there including a presidential rally Red Band you know I had the pleasure I just did a whole weekend of shows with Pat in San Diego and watching him do just 15 minutes people were standing up applauding halfway through his set just non-stop and he's about to go on the road and do his own hour sets.

2:07:04You've got to fucking see this motherfucker now. Thank you. He is the real deal, Pat O 'Neill. It is a force of nature, unlike anything we've ever seen before. I mean, it is just fucking absolutely hysterical. I love it. Thank you, folks. Thank you. One more time for the great Pat O 'Neill, everybody.

2:07:26How much fucking fun did we have tonight, huh? Jimmy, come on. pre-order his book on Amazon, at Amazon.com right now, or your app on Amazon. Get the book.

2:07:39Brian Redban:It is called On Jokes. It's one of the greatest joke writers in the history of stand-up Jimmy Carr talking about his process of writing jokes, how you can write jokes, how it's done, how it goes. And I'm fascinated by it. I am currently reading a copy or having AI read me a copy. It's fucking unbelievable. Yeah. And the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers was drawing over there tonight. Jimmy Carr! I love it. Yehe. How about a hand for Yehe, ladies and gentlemen? I mean... Oh, it's a bow. A bow from a little bun. I will say, Tony, one of my dreams is to have one of those paintings.

2:08:26So, with my mouth open that one time, you know what I mean?

2:08:30Brian Redban:You are hysterical. I absolutely love you, Yehi. Let it be known that someone that takes jokes like you and makes jokes like you and on the come up and working and grinding is what this fucking show is all about. Thank you. It's about getting from that point to that point in life and everything in between. So congratulations. My best birthday present ever. Hell yeah. Happy birthday, Yehi. We stole the show. It's amazing. We stole the show. Happy birthday. Thank you. Fucking amazing. A reminder that the band is playing in New York at... New York City Winery. The City Winery on the Thursday before we do Friday and Saturday.

2:09:09Brian Redban:So if you're visiting New York, go see the band on Thursday. See us on Friday and Saturday. I think there's still combo tickets. They're doing a thing where you can get a ticket for Friday and Saturday for MSG. A little fun fact, instead of buying them separately. So look into that. Red Band? Check out the Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Thank you so much, guys. We love you guys. How about one more time for the great Jimmy Carr? Thank you, Tony. Thank you, family. You are the man. Thank you, audience. We love you. Good night, everybody. One, two, three.

2:10:07Thank you.

2:10:39Outro Music

2:10:58Thank you.