#779 - ADAM RAY

21:04Okay, well, let's not let the title, let's not judge a book by its cover. What's the premise? Give me like a couple log lines. We're thinking about two canceled comedians. Ends up in the Middle East. Finds out that Taliban's are more of their audience than Americans. And as the war comes to an end, they're stuck in a struggle of democracy or fame. And I thought it would make a sequel. It could be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

21:28Brian Redban:Wow, you're already working on the sequel. I misjudged you, I'm in That's not at all what I thought he was going to come back with There's actually a lot of heart in it That's cool I like to think we're making fun of the right things Yeah Yeah, we just saw that in your set What do you do for a living, Shinway? Right now I'm laying Epoxy garage floors How did you get good at that? I had a bar guest That was a regular and he was like, you want to fucking lay garage floors? You know, why not, right? He's a cool guy. Okay. Went from working with hot chicks to working on laying hot floors, you know?

22:13Brian Redban:Okay. And you don't see any hot chicks anymore? Oh, no. I see just all Mexicans. Oh, okay. You don't like Mexicans? No, no, no, no. I mean, I like their food. Okay. He likes your food. Fucking around. No, none of that. none of that how old are you uh how do you think i look fun game let's do this okay um i am asian say it again i am asian so it's wide range well since you want us to guess your age i'm guessing you're a 23 year old female i'm guessing 26 26 oof i kind of want to price is right one dollar everybody and say like 45 but I think you're 26 wins, 28 Wow, you just named all the lucky numbers.

23:02Brian Redban:Tiger style Incredible. Tiger style? Wu-Tang, you're the tiger Oh, okay. Wow Your Spotify is wild When was the last time you were on stage? I was on kill 22 years ago in August How did that go? Tell us about your last I went great. I ended up kissing a a cougar tiger style to the secret show well played well played give me a little tiger you got a little tiger very good that's a leopard but we'll take it shit tigers one lower yeah that sounds like it that sounds like something that would make out with this fucking guy thanks yes absolutely what is your love life like Chinway, I can just picture you eating pussy for days.

23:54Brian Redban:I mean, you look like a guy that you would have to fucking... All I do is bang, you know? Tell us about it. Tell us about it, Chinway. What's your big pickup line? When you like a girl, what do you say to her? You seem like the kind of guy that literally gets all the pussy. Which way, Chinway? No way. You really do that? No, it never works. Oh, yeah, yeah. What pickup lines, I think he was referring to. Do you have, like, how do you break the ice? Or break the rice in your case. Damn. Let me ask you this. Quite not my weakness. Let me make it easier on you, Chinway. When's the last time you were with a woman?

24:37Brian Redban:Define with.

24:41That's a weird answer. Yeah. A couple months ago, but I think it was a drunken mistake. But, you know, whatever. I'll be that mistake.

24:49Brian Redban:Okay, so you were drunk. Be all right. Everyone was drunk. Everyone was drunk. Yeah, yeah. And take us through it. What happened? Was this a bigger girl? Is that why you're saying a drunken mistake? Oh, no, no. I think I was her drunken mistake. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, you know. So, yeah. Unfortunately. Unfortunately. So take us through it. Like, you guys were drinking. You're having fun. And then you go back to your place. You go to her place. Then we got drunk. We took a Waymo. We made out. And then... Where'd you take the Waymo to? Back to her place. Her place. Now, is there a reason why you didn't want to go back to your place?

25:30No, no.

25:32Brian Redban:You have like a race car bed? What's up? Do you have a race car bed? I wish, dude. Probably crashed with damage, heavy bumper damage. I wish I was a race car bed.

25:46oh i wreck even my bed how do i wreck my bed we are such a bad driver i wreck my bed

25:56Brian Redban:all right all right we're having too much fun here with you i've been holding back my asian impression i was able to last seven and a half minutes that's a new that's a new i'm a new man All right. So you go back to her place. And what do you remember about her place? Do you remember anything weird? Did she have, like, perhaps one of those things hanging up in her living room that zaps bugs? No, that's a sad thing. It was all gray, you know? It was what? It was all gray. That's a sad thing. It was all gray. It was all gray? Everything was all great. Great. It was all great. Okay. His Asian accent really sneaks up out of nowhere.

26:34Brian Redban:He speaks really good English. And then all of a sudden, it was all gray. I thought my Asian accent was offensive and then yours, my friend, a whole new level. It was all gravy. It was great. It was great. Si. Okay. So it was all great. Her place was great. The sex was great. She was great. We didn't get there. You didn't get there. Where did you get? Did you make out with her? Yes. Okay. Take us through that. How long do you think you made out for? Where do you think it went wrong? Did you, like, do anything weird? Did you do something with your hands? Or is, I like to talk, as I call them with Asian men, you're Hans.

27:20Brian Redban:We have a famous Asian comedian named Hans here. I like to think I didn't pull a Hans. Okay, no, go ahead. What did you do? Yeah, what's your move? We made out every red light. But to be fair, she might have been way drunk. Are you sure it was a red light? Because you guys, I gotta tell you, when you're behind the wheel, red light, green light. I can't even deny that. I thought it was a way. It's a way, Mo. Why did you wait for the red light? That is a great point, Red Band. You know, once every 45 episodes or so, Red Band will just be an absolute genius for just a moment. Sometimes you really crack a case.

28:00Brian Redban:Why would you wait? it might be disrespectful so about that movie oh i read the right perfect time for the keys i think i think what tony's getting at is like what's your what's the move because you know making out a fic is a that's a great you know uh way to initiate whatever you know that maybe things are going to continue down down a fun path so what how do you take things up a notch at once you feel like we can only make out for you know so much longer can you make the question a little bit longer, Adam? Sure, yeah. No, no, I got it, I got it, I got it. I understood, I understood. What do your parents do for work?

28:35I understood, I understood, I understood. Like, what's, like, you know, like, Martin does banana stuff. Like, what's your... Granton. What's your thing? Granton, nothing really works all the time, but out of what works the most. Yeah. I feel like usually if you give a girl a head, that's a pretty green light to go home. It's a green light. Yeah. I just totally follow that. So you, okay, so you said... I feel like, you know... So you make out to the point to where you're like, it's time to beat your pussy, and then I'm going to get back in that way mode that I kept running outside because I knew this was going to be quick.

29:06Yeah. Great. Okay, no other questions, John.

29:11Brian Redban:Have you ever asked a girl, have you ever just been straight up with a girl and gone, can I eat your pussy? Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting that answer. It was a setup to a joke I was going to do, but I'm surprised it never works. No. Wow. Yeah. Have you ever asked a girl, can I eat your pussy? Wow, a woman just said no. That is incredible. Exhibit A. That is incredible. I don't think I would ever refer to a potential mate as Exhibit A. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. So now, so you've been doing comedy for five years off and on. Mostly off. I've been a little distracted with, like, script writing.

29:52I'm kind of trying to transition, but... Who do you see? I know you said Redman and myself. But who do you? Yeah.

30:00Brian Redban:I'm sorry I'm going to hear you over all the disrespect there is disrespect I heard a specific laugh out there there was a specific there was a guy that was cackling at your transition to script writing he literally went

30:16Brian Redban:it was amazing one more time please I don't know what was that question you mentioned Redman and I but who is like your dream cast in this movie yeah by the way thanks a lot asshole what the fuck You have everybody, well, I wrote a movie for the band, Adam. I don't know if you would feel it, Tony, but we would love to have you, man. Oh, you would love to have me. Wow, thank you. I think I'm a little busy. No, it's great. I spent way too much time with you. The time has just flown by with you, Chinway. You are a fun person to interview. What size joke book did you get two years ago? I got a small one.

30:51Brian Redban:Well, guess what, my friend? And this time you're getting an extra large T-shirt from Martin Phillips. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. For the first time in the show's history, the first person to ever win a triple XL T-shirt. Oh, my goodness. Absolute history being made here tonight. What's going on? Why do you still have a microphone in your hand? One more thing, brother. You want to say one more thing? One more thing. Okay, what is it? I just want to give a shout out to the line. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. This ain't the shout-out show. Put it in. Chinway, put the mic back. Okay, what's the shout-out?

31:28Brian Redban:Now I feel bad. Go ahead. His name is Zorbergation. He wrote the movie with me. Okay. All right, Chinway. Get the fuck out of here. There he goes. Chinway, everybody. Luckily, his accent went crazy during that shout-out. I would like to give a shout-out to Zorbergation. I'd also love to shout-out. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, there she is. the first lady of Kill Tony, the lovely Heidi, everybody. I'd also like to shout out my 7th grade PE teacher, Mr. Tangan. You were the first one to believe in me. I think you're dead, but fuck it, I'll check it out on Facebook later. To confirm! Shout out to all the gym teachers.

32:05Brian Redban:Augie D 'Amato, shout out to you. Rick Resetar. Rick Resetar. Yeah, it's a real guy. Those were my gym teachers growing up. Hey, fill me up, Phillips. I know you molested everyone except me, but that's all right. Mr. Gressitar. I never forget that name, Gressitar. We need to take a wildly sincere moment and just make it super creepy, Red Band. But I'm sorry that that happened to you. It didn't happen to me. Well, that's what the person would say who it happened to the most. Picture this. A neighbor waters your plants during a long trip, or a doctor takes the time to personally call you with test results.

32:45Brian Redban:It may not seem like much, but to me, when someone goes that extra step, it leaves a lasting positive impression. You know who does that with me? Red Band. When hiring, top candidates can do the exact same thing to stand out from the crowd. On ZipRecruiter, job seekers have the ability to share in their own words why they are genuinely interested in a role. Ooh-wee. And ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates first. so you meet the right people faster. Combined with powerful matching technology that finds top talent quickly, it's no wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2.

33:25Brian Redban:Try ZipRecruiter and meet great candidates who'll go the extra step for your job. Did you know that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate within the first day? Try it for free today at ziprecruiter.com slash killtony. That's ziprecruiter.com slash killtony. ZipRecruiter. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. I know what this audience is feeling. I know. That was an Asian comedian we just had up there. What if I were to tell you? You're about to get another Asian comedian. Your next bucket poll. We know him. He's a comedy store guy.

34:07Brian Redban:I believe now he lives in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for our pal, Fang Chow, everybody. It's the return of Bank of South with a brand new minute here on Hillcote.

34:23I moved to America from China 10 years ago. Now that I'm a real American, I love bacon cheeseburgers, Ford F-150, and reporting Chinese immigrants to us.

34:48What I also love about America is I go use public bathroom here. I don't have to squat down shit in a hole next to five naked Chinese dudes. What a country. There's a product here for sale on Amazon. It's called Squatty Potty. It's a little stool you put under your toilet It lifts up your legs Make you squat while you sit on the toilet For$29.95 You can feel like you're shitting in a Chinese prison

35:34Brian Redban:Thank you Bang, ciao Like if someone injected Chin Wei with testosterone and jokes I love it. Welcome. Truly representing the Asian community. Very good job. This is not a man that took a four and a half year break out of his five year career. Fang Chow's been going hard for how long now? 12 years. 12 years. You were at the comedy store 12 years ago. Am I correct? Or was that you started in China? Yeah, started in China. Yeah. Born there. Yeah. At the store 12 years. Yeah. Amazing. And you live in Austin now, right? Yes, sir. For how long now? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. That's what I would have guessed.

36:14Brian Redban:Absolutely perfect. Love the material. Great stuff. How's life been, Feng Chow? Good. Very good. Tell us more. Very good. Break it down for us. Failing love. Got a hot girlfriend. How long has that been going on? Two years. Two years. Yeah, I get to come in her every single day. Oh, my goodness. That's why I'm American. Wow. I jizz in your women's pussy. Oh my God. Look at you. It's an American girl? Yes. What's her name? Exhibit A? It's a callback to the other. All right. We're going to cut this out. It's Combo B. What's her name? Combo B. Her name's Combo B? No, no. Combo B. I was trying to be funny.

37:01Caroline. Oh, nice. Nice. Where'd you guys meet?

37:03Brian Redban:Where'd we meet? App. Ooh. I love that you just say the word app. That's amazing. Good. It almost seems kind of suspicious. It's always suspicious. What was it, Uber Eats or something? What's going on here? That's incredible. So it was a big dating app? Bumble. Bumble. We love Bumble. I love it. So that first date, what did you guys do? We went to eat pie. Oh, nice. We went to eat pie, tiny pies. Anyone know tiny pies in town? Tiny pie. That sounds like another Asian bucket pool I might pull up. We're trying to get up for tiny pie, ladies and gentlemen. Here are our tiny pie. Me have so many jokes.

37:55Yeah, it was good. We had pie and, yeah, I asked her out again. She's like, yeah.

38:01Brian Redban:Do you remember what kind of pie you had that magical night? Great question. Me, key lime pie. Oh, good pick. We love key lime pie here. That is Red Band's pie of choice. What's your favorite pie, Adam Ray? The world wants to know. We've had you on so many episodes, I've never gotten a chance to ask you about your life of pie. Probably classic pumpkin, you know? Okay. Classic. Yeah. Maybe apple if I'm getting crazy. Sure. You ever have rhubarb? Ooh, rhubarb. Rhubarb. Northern Ohio delicacy. You really were molested. Rhubarb. Who says rhubarb? That was one of our gym teachers. Mr. Rhubarb? Rudebarb was her name.

38:44Brian Redban:She was a lesbo. We call her Rudebarb. Do you remember your gym teacher's name here in the great country of the United States of America? Or did you spend most of your schooling in China? In China. Okay. How old were you when you moved to America? 25. Okay. What was the biggest culture shock when you moved to America? What was the thing that really blew your mind the most? other than the lack of leaky laboratories that you had in China at least a global disease lack of squatty potties you love basketball I bet basketball is it I do love basketball what is the biggest thing there's too many choices here in America you go to like a big fucking supermarket you go to like a fucking supermarket you get like 50 kinds of cereal you're like oh yeah that's why I moved here yeah cereal is out of control what's your cereal of choice Adam?

39:41when I was a kid it was cookie crisp but that's also why I had tits as a fifth grader I mean a bowl of chocolate chip cookies for breakfast hey mom can I borrow your bra

39:55Brian Redban:the only cereal with criminals on the box they had white robbers very rare to find in public easy to find on a cereal box. Frosted Flakes, I loved a lot. One of my first jokes, I just remember this, I did at an open mic. I was so poor when I was starting out and I had Frosted Flakes cereal a lot for dinner. I remember having Frosted Flakes for dinner one day and I was saying this on stage and I go, I was having Frosted Flakes for dinner tonight because it's super poor or whatever. And instead of the slogan is, they're great. But as I was eating it in my head, all I heard was, I'm sad. Right. And it got, it actually got way more laughs here than it did then.

40:31Yeah.

40:31Brian Redban:No, yeah. I had Frosted Flakes for dinner many a time. Yeah. And I got to tell you, that is the. Still would. You've heard of Wheaties as the breakfast of champions. Yeah. Frosted Flakes is the dinner of single moms. That's what that is. You had a single mom, then you had Frosted Flakes. Who was raised by a single mom out there tonight? Dude, keep it going for single moms. Very sad people. They all raise their hands instead of clapping. Do you have cereal? What's your cereal? I very rarely eat cereal, but when I do, believe it or not, I am an oatmeal guy. Some people say that I eat like a horse.

41:08You sure you're not a Fruity Pebbles guy? Whoa.

41:12Brian Redban:Whoa. I'll put it in your Coco Crisp if you keep talking naughty like that. I'm going to put a condom on my banana. You know what I'm saying? Feng Chow, what's your favorite thing about Austin, Texas, before we get you out of here? Because I've watched you go, right, from Los Angeles. We were in L.A. together. You were working at the comedy store. I remember it all so clearly. And now you're here. You're a real Texan. And I'd imagine for a sweet little Chinese boy like you, it's a little bit different. I am sweet. Yes, you are. Sweet and sour sometimes. Extremely sour. I love Buc-ee's. Ah, good answer.

41:53Brian Redban:Can't get it up. Yeah. Super gas station. Yeah. Fucking America. Well, guess what, my friend? It's funny you say that because the great Bones Eye, who makes all the joke books, and they're available for sale at KillMerch.com, just so happened to make a custom Buc-ee's big joke book Kill Tony. And guess what, my friend? You're getting it. The great Fung Chow, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on social media. That's FC8080, right? Yeah, the great Fung Chow. Known him for over a decade. Time flies in this crazy industry. I'll tell you this looks like a new name to me everybody different handwriting there's some quotations here there's a lot going on here make some noise is this big?

42:38Brian Redban:I believe it is it's either Billy or Big we're going to say Big Ed 90 days here he is Big Ed everybody we know this guy

43:11Well, Tony fucked up my name. So, a lot of... I'm Big Ed, obviously. So a lot of people call me Big Ed, but they don't know why they call me Big Ed.

43:34Anyway, so I love Austin. Fantastic crowd. I mean, you guys are fantastic. But I was at Three Studio, no, Three Studio working out today. I had my nose and somebody's yoga. but you guys are so healthy. You guys are so healthy. And I'm on a journey, a healthy journey. But I was reading in Men's Health Magazine that the best way to get in the shape is to have sexual intercourse. Oh, shit. I just told everybody I'm not having sex. Anyways. So, how you doing?

44:16is he gay or no oh got it okay good he's he goes both ways anyways four corners anyways so I'm obviously heterosexual but if I were gay sir my um deep throat would be it would be epic

44:37all right big Ed all right thank you very much thank you guys big Ed Ed. Tear me up.

44:43Brian Redban:Welcome, Big Ed. I'm such a huge fan of you, dude. You have no idea. I've seen you hunt something. I don't know what. I know you from something. I was showering with rats or giving girls toothpaste or having her shaver. I love it. You are the world's largest shrimp. I've never seen anything quite like it. You remind me of one of those dogs with, like, a bad spine or something. Like, they're like... The raccoon. The raccoon in... Jimothy. Jimothy. I don't know exactly You were talking about getting in shape I don't know what shape that is It appears to be an octagon Or something like that That is tonight's Doritos joke of the night This is something else This is absolutely incredible Where's Carr at?

45:26Where did he go? Who? The guy, the English dude He's really funny Jimmy Carr? That was two weeks ago That was two weeks ago No it wasn't I thought he was tonight no no that was recorded two weeks ago yeah right now is right now this is jimmy carr right here

45:45Brian Redban:oh this is this is okay yeah this is him this is what he looks like in real life yeah i'll be jimmy car where is your nick wait what wait wait what what i said i said up yeah just watch the youtube episode yeah seriously he wasn't here tonight am i i'm trying no you're doing okay big ed less questions from you. Okay. More answers coming up. Here we go. Big Ed. So let's talk about it. I'm guessing by, I'm putting it together in my head here. I'm guessing by your name that I know you from the show 90 Day Fiance. Am I correct? Now I've seen clips of this. I don't really get to sit down and watch TV that often.

46:24Brian Redban:Take us through what have I missed? What are you known for on that show for the people like me that might not know? You got a half a standing ovation from the crowd. Very rare for a bucket pool, I have to tell you. Especially a bucket pool shaped like the actual bucket. It is incredible. It is absolutely amazing. Your head is small, so it actually, if we took the undertaker and put him there, like, this is what you look like. And your legs, your legs are very tiny, so hold on, let me finish this science fair project I'm doing. Your legs are very tiny, so it looks like... That's... This is what you look like.

47:00Brian Redban:Fuck. That's going to be... This is you. That's going to be my new headshot, I think. Okay, so short story long, I met a girl on Facebook, never heard of the show. I bought a ticket. I went to the Philippines. I showered with rats. True story. I'm Big Ed. Look at me. I'm Big Ed. Hey, you said my name wrong, Tony. I'm a big fan of the show. Talk to me. He's having playtime. Yeah. And she had really bad breath and hairy legs, and I had her ask her to shave her legs and brush her teeth and I got in a lot of trouble. And then I came back to the States and I got shot at in Mexico and then I... You got what in Mexico?

47:38I went to Mexico with another... I'm bad at relationships. You have no idea.

47:42Brian Redban:I bet I could guess. Okay, there you go. So yeah, so I suck at relationships. So my last fiance, we broke up like 16 times. And yeah. Which means you got back together 15 times. Yes. What's your trick of getting back together with somebody? Big Ed. Oh, I see. Yeah. Okay. I'm serious. I'm pretty good. Anyway, so I suck at relationships. It's pretty obvious. He's built like a snowman whose carrot's in the wrong place. You know what I'm saying? It's like when a naughty little kid gets a carrot. And I like carrots. My mom makes really good carrots, by the way. It doesn't look like you eat a ton of carrots, Big Ed.

48:23Brian Redban:I got to be honest with you. Your mom made carrots? Okay, that's probably true. How did your mom make carrots? It's Redman with another great question. This guy's really spotting the loopholes here tonight. The king of the poopholes is spotting the loopholes. With onions and bell peppers, it's really good. Okay. All right. Her name is Norma, by the way. She's taking care of my dogs in Arkansas. How many dogs do you have? Three. Okay. And are they all English bulldogs like you?

48:50That hurt. No, they're Maltese and a Maltipoo.

48:57Brian Redban:I love it. I love it. Hell yeah. I love dogs. So, Big Ed, let me ask you this. You're in the reality show business, right? What other, how do you make money other than that? So I have a Big Ed Malbec that's in 500 Walmarts right now. It's a what? Big Ed what? It's a Malbec from Argentina. Oh, you make wine? Yes, sir. That's incredible. So Argentina imported, and then I also... You're shaped like the barrel that they're made in, by the way, so that's incredible. This hurts. No, you're doing good. I don't care. Don't poop on this stage. I won't. I promise. And then I'm also in real estate. I do flippers with my best friend, David Wheeler.

49:34I don't think you can say that anymore, but yeah. Okay, I can't do that? No. Sorry, stupid joke. I do real estate and then, and I'm on Cameo. I'm number one in the world in Cameo.

49:43Brian Redban:Wow, that's incredible. Are you really? I'm serious. What's your rate? I've done over 25 ,000 videos. Wow. I'm not the most expensive though, but I'm pretty funny. I love it. I love it. I put a chicken hat on and I skater on my living room on my scooter. okay i'm not kidding and my mom's sitting in her in my recliner with my dogs she doesn't even pay attention i love it that's to la bamba i'm not i'm not making this up no one's doubting anything you're saying everything you're saying everything that you've said so far no one's like whoa how many times there's no way your mom's just sitting there through all of this oh her name's norma yeah you mean you guys i've not worked in seven years i'm not kidding i've not had a job in seven years i do cami that's all they do where's your adam's apple at that is a good question that's right the apple is with the carrots it's a children's book you could write big ed hey hey i don't like you i'm just kidding whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa he said he was kidding whoa he said he was kidding man and if you go by the rules of comedy.

50:50I'm only kidding.

50:51Brian Redban:He's kidding. Wait, Big Ed. He's flirting with a girl that is literally with a cartel member right now. Oh, shit. Big Ed, take it easy. Take it easy. You're going to be a... She's really hot, by the way. Sorry. Pardon me. Okay, you're good. Big Ed. Let's not forget he ended his set by going like, are you gay? And he was like, all right. Well, if you were, I would fucking die. Yeah. But that was just part of my bit. I know. No, you're good. It's not real. We know. I wrote it down. My buddy Darren Garrett wrote it. I feel like there's like, because again, I don't, I haven't watched your work, right?

51:24Brian Redban:I haven't seen it. But I know for a fact there's like a viral clip. I can't remember what it is. I like The View. You're my best view. What? You're on The View, the show? No. So what happened was the show came out and COVID didn't work out for a lot of people. But for me, it made me viral because there was nothing on TV. Right. And the - There's like a big moment, something. Yes, sir. Super viral happened. So Rose and I, I like the view was the number one training meme in the world through COVID. So that's how I became. I like the view. Do you know what he's talking about? I like the view. You're my best view.

51:55Yeah. Not you, but you know what I mean? Yes. And what was the face you made in the meme? Because I can't turn my neck. I kind of. And that's why they make fun of me. Because I go, she goes, she goes, I like the view. And I had to turn my whole body. And I go, you're my best view. And then she goes. ah that might be both became famous i'm serious yeah you were mega famous for a bit right yes sir like how did that feel well it was kind of crazy at first because i would go to the dentist and like elderly women would come up to me i'd be sitting in the office they just start whacking me

52:30Brian Redban:with a magazine and i'm like what did they think you were a bug or something no no no like behave like you've they wouldn't see anything she's just whack me and then but i'm serious i'm not making that up but my best compliment that i've ever got in my entire life was um my talk to me talk to me talk to me so i'm in we're good you're doing me right now newport beach stop pointing at people look at me i'm in north i'm in northport beach yeah and this seven-year-old kid skates around or eight i don't know doesn't fucking matter just keep going yeah he could be 55 years old he skates around the corner yes he's all sweaty and he looks at me like this he goes are you the TikTok guy?

53:11And I go, yes I am. And he goes, you're a legend. And then he skates off. Wow. And that's it. That's it. That's the best compliment I've ever gotten. Wow. For more fun stories like this, get a cameo from Big Ed. They're$900. How much are your cameos? You guys are really awesome. $69. But do you get it? Awesome. $69. Okay, Big Ed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. I know, right?

53:40Brian Redban:Sorry. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah. If I give you my phone and, I don't know, Venmo you or something, will you make a cameo for my mom? It's her birthday in a couple weeks. Let's do it right now. For real? I swear to God. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Kill Tony history, you are inside the algorithm right now. You are watching a live cameo on a podcast. That's a live show. Her name is Carolyn. All right, here we go. Hey, Carolyn Bigot here. Obviously, listen, you're my best view. I love you. I'm here with your son. He's a little weird. But I'm hanging out with Kill Tony, and there's a girl in the front row that's driving me crazy.

54:21I'll probably die tonight. But anyways, I love you. You're my best view, and happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. I love you. You can wish her a happy January 6th or whatever. Do the deep throat bit. She'll like it. What was that? What you ended your set with. Oh, no, I can't do that. All right, here we go. All right, what's her name? Carolyn. All right, Carol, I'm not gay, but if I was, my deep throat would be... Okay, I'm going to go to confession on Saturday so I can get communion on Sunday. Is that a cameo or a Netflix documentary?

54:57Brian Redban:This is incredible. Both. Thank you. All right. Big Ed, before I let you go, this is another long interview. I mean, I've let this get out of control. Sorry, just spit something in there. but I have nowhere, oh, that's crazy. Let me sell this on eBay. Big Ed, Little Spit, season two. Those were buffalo wings put down the street. Test his DNA, see how much comes back a wild animal. Big Ed, let me ask you this. Yes, sir. Because, like, you know, reality shows this, that. What is something that's crazy about your life that you've never talked about publicly, that nobody knows about? Or perhaps something that people don't know about 90 Day Fiance or your time there or anything.

55:38Brian Redban:Give us like a breaking, give us an exclusive Big Ed breakthrough. Breaking news. This just in. Okay, here we go. So I used to work at a country company, Bella Vista, this is a true story. I used to bus tables and all these guys would come in with these beautiful women. And I'm like, one day I'm going to stuff you in your face. Wait, well, you're going to what? I mean, I'm going to give them the business. Like I'm going to be more successful. What are you, a gangster from the 30s? Yes. Give me the business. Give me the business. When I get my hands on you, it's going to be a whippersnapper. Are you hungry?

56:15Brian Redban:Because I got a knuckle sandwich with your neighbor. Yeah, right now I'm bussing tables, but one day I'm going to be bussing you. I'm like, look, you banker, I'm going to gut punch you one day. Which would be your move. Yes. So then I'm there with my crazy ex like two years ago before I moved back, and I'm in the same country club and everybody obviously knows who I am. And I go, you know, I told her full circle, this is like, it actually happened. So I never knew how I was going to be famous. I never knew the who, what, where, when, and why. And here I am. I'm on your fucking show. Well, you got pulled out of the bucket.

56:52I know. Okay, well, I was in a bucket.

56:56Brian Redban:It's not like you're on panel or anything, Big Ed. Come on. I didn't really make it, right? No, you're doing great. You stuck around longer than probably most thought. You made the most of it. No. But seriously, I fell in love with you guys. Hold on. So you're at the country club. You almost finished the story. Was that it? You were busting at the country club, then you ate at the country club? So there was Liz, and I go, hey, can I take you to show you where I grew up? And then she's like, no, this is all about you. And then we got in a big fight. Ah. And now we're divorced. Now I kicked her out.

57:29I mean, well, I didn't kick her out, but I asked her to leave politely.

57:33Brian Redban:Have any of your relationships just ever ended easy breezy? Well, I broke up with her 14 times via text. It's like Ric Flair, by the way, 16-time heavyweight champion. So, yeah, I'm not good at love. I'm just kidding. No, I'm not. I'm just not. I'm not good at it. Do you want to be? Yes, I do. You like. Hey, I met somebody. We went to her gym. Her name is Ashley. She's really cute. Let me ask you this. Where do you live now? So I live in Arkansas. OK, how long have you been in Austin? Four days. Let me ask you this. Yes, sir. In your four days here. Have you kissed a girl in Austin, Texas? You haven't.

58:15Brian Redban:Why don't we turn up the red lights here? Let me tell you something. We have a special segment on this show that we do every once in a while. Is there a Kill Tony female fan out there that's willing to come up and give this guy a big kiss? This lady out here? Straight back down the barrier, lady. Come on up here. This is something we love to do ever since the show started. Don't everybody come up at once. Come up, I'll say. Big Ed, Big Ed, Big Ed. She's already coming. You don't get to pick. You don't get to, like, be rapey about it. They already hired somebody. They already hired somebody. I'm kidding.

58:50I want this lady right here.

58:53Brian Redban:Honest of a face. Jesus Christ, Big Ed. Here she comes. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Look how lucky you are. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You got a face sideways so that the cameras can see it. So, wait, one second. Wait, Big Ed, you're going to ruin this. What is it? You're like 90-second fiance up here. You just don't blow it. What are you going to say right now? With or without tongue? Good question. Put the mic up to her mouth. I have a pretty long tongue, so I don't know if you can... Yeah, that means yes. Okay, sweetheart, what's your name? My name is Brooklyn. Oh, Brooklyn. Brooklyn, meet fucking Manhattan.

59:33Sorry, that hurt. That hurt a little bit. That hurt a little bit. Unbelievable. Wait, wait, wait. Brooklyn, do you know who big that is? Yeah. Yes. So this is kind of a cool... This is, you know, are you starstruck? Have you bought a cameo for me yet? No. Hey, what? Shut the fuck up, dude. You're about to get a free kiss. Yeah, you really. This is not where you pitch your business ideas. Yeah, just be in the moment, dude. Trust yourself. ABC, always be closing. Yes.

59:57Brian Redban:C-Y-X-W-V-U-T-S-O-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-U-N-A-B-C-B-I. All I heard was UTI. I don't know what she said there exactly. He said ABC and she said the entire alphabet. Right. I think they're going to get married. She thinks she's at a DUI checkpoint right now. This is perfect. So you, I mean, okay, what do we do? Ladies and gentlemen, all you have to do is have a good old make-out session. Wait, Ben, wait, Ben needs some love music, right? So we band play some love music? Whoa! Damn! Oh, my God! Whoa, don't fall, don't fall. Wow. Oh, my God. Big Ed, Big Ed, grab that microphone. How do you feel right now?

1:00:39Brian Redban:That was better than being on the show. Wow. Sorry, sorry. Amazing. No, it's amazing. Oh, he just said you're hot. Let me ask you this. Brooklyn, grab that mic. How do you feel? How did Big Ed kiss? Was it good? That was actually... I wasn't expecting that. It was good. Did you taste his lungs?

1:01:04Brian Redban:Bread band is on fire. Bread band is on fire.

1:01:12That's a red card right there. That's a red card. Oh, my goodness. That's a red card. Anyways. Oh, my goodness. By the way, does the time-out signal for a red card?

1:01:21Brian Redban:No, you're awesome. Fuck. Oh, my goodness. And look at that. Her roots are like the carrots that your mom grows. So, hold on. So, do I get to go home with you? Whoa, no. You don't get to Big Ed. No. Big Ed is the king of cock-blocking himself, ladies and gentlemen. Do I get to take it? Like, it's a joke book. Do I get to take it home with me? No, you don't get to. Unless she wants to. Oh my goodness. Look at the tits on this one. And also she has some too. I'm going to be here until Wednesday. Brooklyn, here's a big joke book. You get that. Congratulations. You are a legend. Oh my goodness. Big Ed squeezing a little too tight.

1:02:05Brian Redban:Whoa, look at Big Ed checking out the goods on the way out like a real creepazoid. Dude, he's fucking, he's like, he looks like one of the Wonka kids, and Wonka was like, the factory's yours, Charlie. Hey, can I shout out my tattoo artist, Sky, from San Diego? What the fuck are you talking about? Only if he also wrote a la ha ha ha. Oh, my God. Wow. What the fuck is going on right now? Oh, my God. How many birds do you have? Wait, are these all falcons? What are they? These are guardian angels, sir. guardian angels wow and he's in san diego i didn't realize south florida had its own san diego that's incredible no i go to san diego just to get my tattoos okay big ed you are like the longest interview in the show's history here's a big joke book buddy unbelievable times incredible love you guys god bless you we love you one of the funniest penguins in the world ladies and gentlemen one more time for big ed there he is big ed put the mic in the mic grab grab the mic stand put it on the X put the microphone there you go Big Ed clean up after yourself there he goes with his joke book there goes Big Ed ladies and gentlemen

1:03:23Big Ed

1:03:24Brian Redban:get the fuck out of here I love you get out of here Jesus Christ almighty alright ladies and gentlemen by the way that's just crazy that that just happened by the way I mean that was awesome I have to be honest I've never seen the show, but I know who he is. The place went crazy. Your bug joke deserves a lot more than I got. You just casually said, you said old women smacked me in the dentist's office, and you go, what, because they thought you were a bug? Only Red Band laughed. That is true. I almost died of laughter at that for some reason. Jovial, a jovial guy. I mean, like, he is bug-esque.

1:04:03Brian Redban:Where's the zapper? Here, grab that zapper. every once in a while during the summer heat of Texas we have a little fly issue and we like to kill flies live. We're the only major broadcasted show in which we kill flies live on the show. They are lingering around the Mexican couple. Spoiler alert. Shit. It's a quick little fella. I think Big Ed just turned into the fly everybody. One second, he's big head. He's like, I'm out of here.

1:04:46Brian Redban:Here we go. Oh, I think he got it. All right. John Bees. And now we move on to a golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy won his golden ticket about a year ago. Very, very funny man. Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Orhun Timur, everybody. Make some noise for Orhun, everyone.

1:05:16Thank you, guys. I met Big Ed back there. Man has a hickey, doesn't have a neck. I don't know how you guys achieved that. It's really good. Do you guys like immigrants? No, you don't. Shut up. I understand. Listen, I came to this country 15 years ago. So I was very into it, like melting pot, different cultures. Then I got my citizenship. I was like, okay, it melted enough, I think. How much game mix. I struggled a lot. Like my first job, I remember I was very foreign. And my first week, my boss told me, you need to watch the sexual harassment training. And I was like, I'm Eastern European. I was taught by the best, sir.

1:05:58I don't know. what else you can teach me on top of that uh i don't know uh a lot of things change you know like when i was growing up in turkey i really was like you know how america attacks middle east i really minded that but after a while like i moved here the gas price keep going up you're like government do your thing you know there's a regime change and who gives a fuck is that get in there you love being involved I want to be a part of it Libya Libya alright thank you for listening to me have a good night

1:06:39Brian Redban:Orhun Timur doing just enough of homage to the hit song New York, New York that it would not be flagged by the YouTube that's exactly what my intention was that is perfect you're a brilliant genius you're one of the smartest men from Turkey that I've ever met in my entire life Orhun, how's life going? I mean, good in some ways, bad in some other ways. Tell us about it. What do you mean by that? I mean, I have two people I care about in prison. One of them is in prison in America. One of them is in prison in Turkey. There's stuff like that. How did they get put in prison? The American ones... I can do it.

1:07:18Brian Redban:It's okay. It's okay. It's big head.

1:07:22What if that fly grabs the mic and goes, Hey, my cameo is only$69.

1:07:30Brian Redban:Hey, how do you like the view? I love the view. How do your friends keep getting put in prison? Well, the American one sold meth. The Turkish one had opinions, which is sometimes worse. He did comedy. He's a comedian guy. The Turkish one is. Yeah, yeah. And what exactly did he say in Turkey that got him put in prison? You want me to say the exact thing? Sure, fuck it. Well, you can say it here. They don't understand English anyway. You're not in Turkey. Yeah, yeah. So he did, you know, criticize the government, sprinkled some Islam jokes in there. Which part do you think got him in trouble? The criticizing the government?

1:08:14I think it was the part where he suggested the president's son, well, reminded people that he killed someone with impunity. I think that did it. Wow, yeah, that's why I don't put subtitles under my clips I'll be fine.

1:08:31Brian Redban:Yeah so If not, you know Trump though, right? That could come in. Huh? No, I'm just joking. Well What what was his sentence? How long is do you think he's gonna be in jail for? I mean five years, but usually if you apologize to the right people maybe a year six months is he going to apologize? I don't think so. Yeah. Because then you can't do comedy anymore. Like, you apologize, you're doing... Right. He can't be scared. Yeah. He can't be a chicken in Turkey. Yeah.

1:09:09Brian Redban:Very interesting. What else goes on in Turkey that we don't know about? I know we talked about how you have to prove that you're gay if you don't want to be in the military. Like, you have to send in a video of you sucking someone off or getting buttfucked. Literally, can't make it up. that's true in turkey you can get out of being in the mandatory military if you just fucking suck some dick no actually not to be a stickler but i don't know if you remember but the blowjobs don't count really oh shit and you can't be top also they're very really you have to have anal insertion in your own butt uh they say i don't know again i i worked you know i don't know i don't I haven't read the website, but...

1:09:52That is amazing. I like when you said, I'll be fine. That sounded like something you maybe tag at the end of your jokes. Do you have a catchphrase or some sort of like an overall, I guess... People suggest you should say this a lot, but when they say it, I don't.

1:10:08Brian Redban:You don't have a catchphrase. Your style of comedy is very dry. Is it because you're from Turkey? Oh, uh... Red band. Red band. Red Band. Red Band? Hello, Mr. Funny. Where's your sound effect? You've earned it, buddy. There it is.

1:10:33Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Wow. There's like a Red Band section tonight, by the way, over here. Just a bunch of morbidly obese comedy fans. It's incredible. Good to see you guys. Who loves food puns? that's a great joke right by the way i start dry it takes me 10 minutes usually to get to the wet jokes that's another turkey joke hell yeah wow look at you guys just firing back and forth my goodness okay so um orhunt more what are you doing for work you just do stand-up comedy is there anything else you seem like the kind of guy that doesn't mind painting sometimes painting a wall or something for somebody i i paint t-shirts you do yeah yeah wait do you want one um do i have to answer now or yeah that's the third time that's the last time i'm going to say that but uh you do have a painter vibe like it's i don't know if it's a ponytail in the stash like it's like a like you look like bob ross's son you know who bob ross is yeah you know the guy who's like i'm gonna put a little tree i'm gonna put a little black guy right here yeah my my my dad has never been that friendly like calm yeah but you said your dad wasn't yeah yeah he's uh well loving but tell us about your dad we want to know the tough turkish dad yeah uh i mean he's an interesting guy because you can just swear at him for minutes and he'll laugh but then you drop his pen randomly and he could get livid like he's you never know with him does he have a special pen i mean pen people can be very serious i actually it's a weird thing that i've gotten into recently I'm into pens.

1:12:10Brian Redban:I use Sharpies on this show, but at home, I'm a pen guy. Yeah, got a little collection. I've gotten into some weird shit now that I'm in my 40s. The pens aren't special. It's just mine. It's just like a regular old Bic, like a disposable pen? Like a yellow. I don't know why we're talking about pen. Well, if it's yellow, it's probably good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably a good pen. That's the rich pen color? I mean, if it's a pen, as long as it's not a highlighter. If he's freaking out about a dropped highlighter, that's completely nuts. But if he has a yellow pen, it's probably a good pen. Oh, wow.

1:12:43Now I forgive him.

1:12:45Brian Redban:What made you drop the pen? Was it an accident or did you do it on purpose? I wanted him to be angry at me. Wow. How about mom? What's mom like? What's it like having a Turkish mother? It's like, it's hard to explain, but they love you a lot. Ah. That's pretty easy to explain. Yeah. Yeah. It was actually very easy to consume. That's the, I'm being joking. Like I'm saying like, they're very sort of involved and they call you their... All right. Very good. It's okay. You're good. I thought you were in charge. You look like you're in charge. Orhun, you're good. Another very fun set. Always hilarious.

1:13:27Brian Redban:Orhun Timur, ladies and gentlemen. We love you. Orhun. The man. The myth. Thank you. We love him. There goes Orhun, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. We are going to meet another comedian. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Michael Dragon, everybody. Michael Dragon.

1:13:47Hello. A friend of mine, she's been complaining to me that... By the way, I'm nervous as fuck. Sorry. Thanks, buddy. But yeah, so anyway, so break the tension. Cool. She's been complaining to me that all the guys that she's been with lately, All they ever want to do is fuck her face, which, real quote, also one hell of an intro. Thank you. I just started laughing. I was like, jeez, oh, my God. I would never do that to your face. I'd make love to it.

1:14:22Unlike those other guys, before my balls smack your chin, I asked for permission. so fun fact in the 1950s so many people in America smoked don't know why that's funny but I like it that in the 60s when they found out smoking caused cancer it was so shocking President Kennedy's head exploded

1:14:50too soon ma 'am too soon my next joke's about Jesus I hope that's not too soon thank you

1:14:59Brian Redban:Michael Dragon am I saying that right? Dragon? yes sir what happened that fall out of the bucket? alright just make it the next one hello Michael how are you? how long have you been doing stand up? about nine years off and on I love it nine years off and on yes sir and at one point you were the little boy from a sixth sense am I correct?

1:15:22yes

1:15:22Brian Redban:I've unfortunately gained some weight but yes sir. You're all grown up now. You said six years? Nine years. Nine years. Where at? Cleveland's near Youngstown. We know where Cleveland is. I'm trying to build a relationship.

1:15:41Brian Redban:Don't try to fuck my face, Michael. Don't try to fuck my face. No sir. Okay, so you've been doing anything? You still live in Cleveland? No, no, no. I've been in Austin for about six years now. Six years? Yes, sir. Wow, okay. What made you move here six years ago? Friends. Lack of any. I'd broken up with a girlfriend at the time, so it was kind of sad. So it was just kind of moving on. Good job. I appreciate it. A lot of people where we come from never leave. And it's shocking and very bizarre. Very sad. Very sad. But I don't really want to say that because my friends watch this. And right now they're in Youngstown going, oh, fuck.

1:16:18Brian Redban:You sad for me? Yeah, I am every day for you. You guys are sad. And yes, it's you. exactly you that I'm talking about. Jimmy. Anyway. Frank. Okay, so Michael, here we are. And you've been doing it that long. You've lived in Austin for six years. How do you make a living? Currently, I work at a credit union in collections. Yes. Wow, that's got to be a busy job. You have to be very busy. There's a couple people with unpaid bills out there booing you. Stop not paying your fucking bills. What's the problem? By the way, I would definitely pay my bills if I heard on the other line Hi, this is Michael Dragon.

1:16:54Yeah. Sorry, what did I do? Why are we skipping over it? How did you get that name? Why are you not a porn star or a detective? I get a lot of, do you drag these nuts across your face? Shit all the time. Wow. Funny. Oh, my God. I'm just glad my girlfriend doesn't fucking see it. How do you... It's so... Dragon, D-R-A-G-O-N. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yeah. How... Is that from a long line? It's Czech. There's some... Yeah. Short answer. Czech, Sovakian. Wow.

1:17:21Brian Redban:Wow, have you ever heard of Big Ed from the 90 Day Fiance? I did, yes, yes I'm familiar with him Okay, wow, he was on here earlier Okay And I'm noticing that you guys kind of look alike Uh oh I've been trying to lose weight too Do you know your dad? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah He's also fat, so yeah Alright Yeah, go right ahead Did you get starstruck when you saw Big Ed? Did you see him back there? No, I was confused. I was like, who is this man? Oh, after someone explained it to me. Oh, you saw him at Shakespeare's The Bar Next Door? Yes, sir. Got it. What's it like over there tonight? Give these people a description of how would you describe the sign-up process?

1:18:04Brian Redban:I don't ever ask this question. I'm glad that I just said it. You wait in line. You have hopes and dreams. Most weeks, they get crushed. How many times have you signed up for the show, if you had to guess? Maybe a dozen times. Wow. This is your first time on, correct? No, sir. First time was at Antone's. first time I ever signed up. Wow. That was a long time ago. Yes, it was. How did that go for you? Who were the guests that night? It was Jamar Neighbors. My minute sucked, but you seemed to appreciate the interview. Nice. What did we find out in the interview that impressed me so much? I said that I wouldn't cash a check for a black man, and that's exactly...

1:18:40Brian Redban:Here's a big joke book. No.

1:18:47Brian Redban:Why would you not cash Just check for a black man. This is fantastic. I mean, the serious answer is that it fell under everything of, like, this is a little funny as far as the check is concerned. And then so I turned it over to my boss, who's apparently highly racist because the check was completely legitimate. Wow. That's incredible. Yeah, she waterworks out of keeping her job for another year at least. Wow. What made you think it was a fake check? other than the skin color of the man that presented it to you I mean that is the first clue no no no no it's just the design of the check didn't match anything else that we the company had just switched designs what did the black man's check have the design did it have like a chain around it airbrush they're just trying to build a relationship

1:19:41no I went from very plain design to very chaotic design is the short answer.

1:19:45Brian Redban:Got it. Michael, what's your love life like? It was going shitty until very recently. Yeah, I finally am dating someone. Where'd you find her at?

1:19:59Brian Redban:Shrek's Castle? She's a comic. So I found her in the street somewhere. She's going to love that answer. Jesus Christ. Trust me, she will. Yeah, if you ever meet her, yes. Okay. So how long have you been dating this girl? Officially just like a month or two. But we've been talking, we've known each other for years. Sure. But like a month or whatever ago, what happened exactly? Take us through that first night where you're like, oh, this has gone down. So I was looking at her OnlyFans and I decided that I'm very lonely. No, no, we just know each other. Basically, I realized that she likes me. and how did you realize that because she was god okay short answer um she zoom called me and she kept showing me her tits and we were doing a writing session and she's like hey you should give me a ride somewhere i'm like i'm very oblivious to shit and so uh you're like i'm busy can't give you a ride anywhere and so i was asking like why did you show me your tits she's like well men usually do things for me and i was like oh okay that's cool like totally not getting it and then I forget what happened but it just clicked and all of a sudden every image from the past two years I'm like oh she's been hitting on me for fucking years wow and then what happened and then I started messaging her constantly and then what happened and then eventually I wore her down and and she said yes and then what happened um tell us about the first time when when something physical started happening you felt a little something in your belly oh yeah that was mid january that was mid january here we are here we go ladies and gentlemen the answer that we've been looking for mid january you guys are what on your couch oh no no no no she had been in the really she had just started dating a guy that lasted maybe a month she was very depressed i was talking with her and she kept saying like oh all these guys that hang out with me try to give me money and stuff like that.

1:22:03So I was just like, yeah, cool. I don't have an interest. I'm sorry, Tony.

1:22:09Brian Redban:So the first time you guys did anything physical, take us there. That's what I've been asking you. Still waiting for it. Oh, see, you haven't. I haven't had sex in eight years. You haven't. Here we go. Now, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you questioning my interview process, which I saw a lot of that out there. Oh, I saw your fucking faces. You think you're watching me? I'm watching you. I'm watching a show. How about that? How's that for a twist after 13 years? I've been watching you the whole goddamn, and you at home, too. Jimmy. Alright. Haven't had sex in eight years, huh? Oh, Brooklyn.

1:22:47I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking.

1:22:51Brian Redban:Have you ever been with a two-tone carrot brunette? I feel like I'm about to. She's probably icing her tongue right now. So Michael Draga. No, sir. I'm a good Christian boy. This interview, we're having a repeat, and it's been six years since you've been on this show. Yes. And we are having a repeat because the set, okay, good, right, good. Sure. But this interview just went to a whole other fucking level. Because eight years with a chick showing you her tits, she supposedly has an OnlyFans. You met her on the streets, we say. And somehow you haven't been able to make a maneuver yet. Can you explain how this is going on?

1:23:32Brian Redban:What is going on? Because we're going to help you. Red Band is our senior closer correspondent. He has a real knack at teaching men how to, I mean, if he can do it. All right, it's fine. Heidi, get over the fact that she's transgender. Okay. Okay. The interview is getting better and better, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back. We'll keep her right here. That kind of guy. Okay. Let's take it all one step at a time here, Michael. So, the transgender woman showed you her tits a few months ago, right? And then a month ago, you say that you guys are officially dating, right? Because did you say that?

1:24:22Brian Redban:Did you ask her? Did you say, will you be my it friend or whatever it is? Will you be my them friend? My they friend? What is it exactly? What do you call that when it's transgender? Honestly, we just kind of joke around about she'll make a thing. I told her to kiss me in Russian. Just like flirty stuff. What is kiss me in Russian? Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that. Send us an email. Send us an email. Minya. Minya is me and then. Okay, let's go back here, Michael. So you knew she was transgender the whole time. Definitely. You guys have been laughing together. Oh, fuck yeah. Hell yeah. What a dumb fucking question, Tony.

1:25:08I did not not know. She's very open about it. I've sincerely always thought of her as a woman. Great.

1:25:18Brian Redban:John Dees has a great point. He goes, and that's why he ignored the titty pictures.

1:25:26Brian Redban:because it's just basically fake tits. They are fake tits. With some real tissue. And your girlfriend has a penis, right? Yeah. Okay. But you've never seen it. Oh, no. Plenty of people have seen it, Tony. But have you seen it? Not in person, though. Not in person. Only on OnlyFans? Yes. Have you smelled it? What the fuck? That is a disrespectful question, Red Band. He's back. When you have someone being open on a show like this, it is disrespectful. Not even 16 minutes ago, you were doing dry turkey material. And now you're like, did you smell the trans cock? He's back. Jesus Christ. Sorry. That's so good.

1:26:13Brian Redban:But Red Band, you can't ask questions like, have you smelled it? no i have not okay so what do you think the close have you kissed i'm a huge uh pussy so no way i we haven't no is he a huge pussy too or is he more is he more of a dick you know what i'm saying you know what i'm saying um why are you so nervous like you came out even your set tonight you're nervous someone in the audience just said you by the way correct no no i am just a nervous person but as far as doing that, because I haven't dated anyone in eight years, so what happened was I stopped dating someone and then I was very sad over it for a long time and then it just became momentum and now it's like I'm trapped in my fucking, this momentum of eight years, you know what I'm talking about?

1:26:59Brian Redban:When's the last time you kissed a girl? Eight years ago. Eight years ago. What if I told you you can kiss a girl right now? Would you take me up on it? Depends, which one? better than what you're probably used to.

1:27:17Brian Redban:Okay, so my sincere answer is I only care about one. Is there a woman out there that's willing to kiss this guy? Is there anybody other than Brooklyn? But then again, since she has men's saliva in her mouth, he'll probably enjoy it. Is there a different woman that's willing to... This guy hasn't kissed a woman in eight years. Is there a trans woman out there that's willing to... We found one. All right, come along this way. Horn players, let her squeeze through. Come on through. Sorry, Alexa. Sorry. Alexa should have made... You don't have to if you don't want to. Alexa should have made her...

1:27:56Brian Redban:Jesus Christ, look at this. Buddy, you're leveling up. I mean... Oh, my God. Hello. Amazing. What's your name, sweetheart? Julia, ladies. How about a hand for Julia? A war hero.

1:28:15Brian Redban:What'd you say? You're about to explode? I'm about to disappoint. I don't think you're going to disappoint her. Believe it yourself, baby. Let it rip. Feel normal. Are you going to give him a real kiss? Julia, I think you should go for it. Just relax. Just have fun. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, we can't do that. No. No, we can't do that. You guys, stay sideways. Stay sideways. Yeah, like that. Come on, let's go for it. One time. Wow. Oh, my God. I saw a little head movement there. It looks like, perhaps, he got some tongue. This is a crazy show tonight. This is a fun show.

1:29:05Brian Redban:Julia, grab that mic real quick. Tell us, give us a report. What was that kiss like? Did it feel like a guy that hasn't given a kiss for eight years, or is he natural? No, he's not natural. Not natural. But it's been a minute, right? It's been eight years. Yeah, so what would you... He tried his best. He tried his best. There you go. He looks like he's having fun. I haven't seen him smile that big the whole time he's been up here. You're loosened up a little bit now, right? Julia, let me ask you something. And what would be, if you could give him one piece of advice on his kissing, what would you say?

1:29:39Do fucking better. Oh, shit.

1:29:46Julia, here's a big joke for you.

1:29:48Brian Redban:No, this is for Julia. This is for Julia. Here you go. Boom. Good job. Yeah, bend over. Good job, Julia. How about a hand for Julia? She's a hero, ladies and gentlemen. Good job, Julia. Julia, I'd love to have you on the Seeker Show

1:30:08Red Band is on fire tonight, this is incredible Red Band is the MVP of tonight's episode

1:30:14Brian Redban:Red Band saved all of his funny material for tonight Yeah, Red Band, careful, you're gonna get booked on your own show

1:30:29Oh my god

1:30:30Brian Redban:Oh my god. All right.

1:30:37Brian Redban:Really? Really? All right. Hold on. Okay. Here you go. I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book, Michael. You would have gotten a big one, but you went for that hug at first. And that really disappointed everybody. You guys are booing the medium joke book selection? You're booing him. Very good. I was about to have to empty the first five rows of people here and trade them in with the people waiting outside. Michael, good job. You did it. There you go. Michael Dragon, everybody. You got to loosen up, Michael. You only live once. I have been informed, ladies and gentlemen, by the powers that be, that Julia actually signed up for the show.

1:31:21Brian Redban:Is that correct? Is that what you're saying, that the girl that just kissed him signed up for the show? Oh, his girlfriend signed up for the show. Is she around? She's right here or next door? Okay. We will get her up here. This is going to be very interesting. Not the girl that just kissed him. His actual girlfriend who he has never kissed signed up for the show. we are wrangling her right now instead of moving on and you thought the most interesting thing tonight was going to be Tony's pen hobby nope stick around

1:32:09Brian Redban:that really is I've really fallen in love with my pen hobby and I love it you know it's a thing once you start you don't stop be careful stay away from those fountain pens especially Look at this lady shaped like Big Ed going to the bathroom. Absolutely incredible. You gotta love her. Big Edith, ladies and gentlemen. It was Big Edith. Her husband just shaking his head and pointing at me now. Very good. You gotta love it. It's a real live show, people. He's getting a random high five from an audience member. Are you British, sir? You look British. Are you British? No. All right. All right. He just looks British.

1:32:50Brian Redban:We're having fun in here tonight. We're having a good old time. How about a hand for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. We are wrangling the transgender comedian. New Adam Ray shows drop every Friday on Netflix. Just a reminder, you never know who will be at Madison Square Garden August 7th and August 8th. And in Las Vegas, November 13th and 14th, we are there. Kill Tony. The Kill Tony Band, for those of you in New York, is playing City Winery on August 6th. And a special announcement right now for the first time ever. Kill Tony, for the fourth year in a row, how weird is that to say, will be on New Year's Eve in an arena, the Moody Center, on New Year's Eve for the fourth year in a row.

1:33:43Brian Redban:tickets for that go on sale August 18th 818 yes using the promo code kill26 you can be the first people to buy the only Austin Kill Tony in which tickets are available that is New Year's Eve our fourth year in a row 818 818 till I die August 18th in memory of the great Brody Stevens fun fact about 818 I'll be throwing the first pitch at the Houston Astros game. This is the California Angels. How weird is that? They told me they want you 8-1-8, August 18th to throw a baseball. Have you thrown one before? Yes. I'm going to throw a fucking heater, dude. I'm going George W. Bush 9-11 on this. Watch me.

1:34:31Brian Redban:I'm calling it right now. Everyone's going to be so surprised that a gay man threw a baseball game. Shut up. Shut up. What is this? Uh, okay. Oh, yeah, we pulled two names. It's Alexa.

1:34:52Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, you think so. Very good. That's always very professional. You always love a good I think so on the number one biggest comedy show in the world. I think so. Ladies and gentlemen, you know her. She's been on this show before, once before. But now you know her as Michael Dragon's girlfriend. This is a brand new minute from Alexis Alazari, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

1:35:23Guys, I'm sorry I was late. I just flew in from Thailand, and boy, is my dick missing.

1:35:32Sucks, guys. I'm at the point I lie about my age on dating apps, and it's embarrassing because this guy caught me. He picked me up in his truck. He took one look at me, one look at my Tinder profile, and he says, there's no fucking way you're 12. I have two apps, one that says I'm trans, one that doesn't. Big difference. On the profile that doesn't say I'm trans, guys are like, you're beautiful. I would love for you to meet my family. On the profile that does say I'm trans, I got a message. It just said, my girlfriend is out of town. Can I shit on your chest? That's disgusting. That's awful. He had abs, so I did it.

1:36:17But the joke was on me because his dick was so small, I could do a line of fentanyl off it and live.

1:36:29Brian Redban:Boom. Exactly a minute. She's done it again. Alexis Alazari, two for two all-time Kill Tony appearances. Welcome back, Alexis. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here. You're fantastic. So Alexis, let's get right to the goods. You know what I'm saying? Let's get right to the goods because Michael Dragon was up here earlier, right? And he had a good set. He had a good set. Nothing too crazy, but a good set. And then we're in the interview portion. It's going on and on. I'm trying to figure out something felt off about he was telling me that he has this new girlfriend for a month and something felt off because I'm like, when have you, so when did you first hook up?

1:37:11Brian Redban:When did you first like do something physical? And then I had to keep digging and digging and digging and digging. And then finally I find out he hasn't kissed a girl or anything like a girl in eight years. So Alexis, let me ask you, you seem sexually active. You seem, you seem, I mean, you just said that a guy took a shit on your chest, which is like, I don't, I don't, I don't think that's third base. Exactly. You know what I mean? and I'm pretty sure that's fucking the dugout. Strike three! Go on! So I guess my question, and the world's question at this point, is how have you, if you're dating Michael Dragon, how have you not made a move on him yet?

1:37:54Well, I mean, I feel like it's because, you know, I've lived a crazy life. Like, you're from Ohio. Like, this, okay, so this might seem, like, off, and I don't want to get too personal with everyone, But Michael Dragon is the first guy I've ever dated that has not had a swastika tattoo on his face. Wow. You gotta get out more. I have... I'm just saying, I have fucked more Nazis than a Russian winter freeze. Wow.

1:38:24I'll give you an example. Youngstown, Ohio. Met this guy. His name's Phil. I pull down his pants. Swastikas on his dick. really big, so it turned out to be my struggle. Wow.

1:38:41Sucked him so hard he out, schvitzed. Wow. I'm not going to go through all the ones I have, because I have about six million of these.

1:38:55But no, Mike is the first nice guy I've ever dated, and I don't want to ruin it, because a lot of guys, believe it or not, have said that I'm bad at sex. And as a trans woman, it can be very traumatic having sex because a lot of people use you as an experimental phase. So it's really hard to be intimate when you're constantly being fetishized and with people who basically won't even want to be seen in public with you. Interesting.

1:39:22Brian Redban:Now, do you think Michael doesn't want to be seen in public with you? Apparently not after this. Right. No, he was very open about it. I think he really likes you. I know. I think we should get married right on this show. Well, I'm just kidding. The God King would not appreciate that marriage. The God King? Who's the God King? What? Who's the God King? Donald J. Trump.

1:39:54No, I don't think gay people should get married. So, I mean, I'm going to...

1:39:59Brian Redban:I think, I mean, you know, what do I know? But I think that the God King, a.k.a. the reigning, defending, three-time President of the United States of America... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you watch it. You watch it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you didn't do it. I did it. I think he has a... You can do whatever you fucking want, sweetheart. Thank you, President Biden. But I just want to say, I think that the God King, President Trump, gets a very bad reputation. And I think Trump would love it if we had a trans wedding on this show. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome. You're welcome, God King. You're welcome, God King Trump.

1:40:47Brian Redban:The one and the only. Great UFC card, by the way, I must say. Okay. I mean, I just want him to pay for my pussy so he can grab me by it. Okay. Let me ask you this. How much does a new pussy cost? $20 ,000. That's how I know trans women are the dumbest men on the planet, because they're the only men that will spend$20 ,000 on pussy and still not get a blowjob after. That's hilarious. So it's like two MacBook Pros. Basically, yeah. It's fucking expensive. Or like 100 ,000 pens.

1:41:23Brian Redban:You ain't getting the same pens as I am, brother. Wow,$20 ,000. Have you tried looking at Timu or anything like that? Have you tried to look at a Timu pussy, a.k.a. a baseball glove? Well, believe it or not, the first time I ever looked, my dad went with me to the doctor, and I don't know, this is relatable, like you've probably done this, looked at possible vaginas with your father, and he's looking through it, but he doesn't know anything about gay shit, but he knows about cars. So he was describing them like someone would describe a car. He was like, oh, don't get a Thailand rust bucket. You're not going to have any backseat room.

1:42:08Brian Redban:Wow. Absolutely incredible. But it's a common misconception. A lot of transition is out-of-pocket pay. Out-of-pocket. That makes sense. Yeah. that's why I'm prolapsed trying to pay for all that out of pocket expense. Right. And so, but you are interested in getting the surgery. Yeah. I mean, I think, um, I would definitely like the surgery because I, you know, identify as a woman and I think it would be easier to go through life because I feel like a lot of trans people nowadays, you know, kind of have turned into something more political where it's kind of, I view it as more of like, you know, just an illness that I deal with similar to like autism or ADHD.

1:42:48It's just something that I deal with. And, like, I get, like, a lot of hate for that sometimes. Like, I posted, like, I don't think kids should transition on Facebook, and I got a bunch of hate comments.

1:42:57Brian Redban:Can I just tell you, after hearing you ramble that long, you really are a woman. Thank you so much. No. The transition is complete, ladies and gentlemen. Alexis. There's no periods, though. I do got to say, out of everyone that's... What did you say? Red Band is cranking grand slams. This is absolutely incredible. What did you say? He said she talked all at once. There was no periods. And she doesn't have periods. A woman that doesn't have periods. Okay, you go ahead. I was just going to say, out of everyone that's made their way on stage tonight, you've come with the most energy, jokes, timing, making the best use of your time.

1:43:42And I hope that you recognize that. because the show, obviously, you love it when it's great, you love it when it's a train wreck, but it's always fucking cool when you're like, oh, I want to make the most of my opportunity. And you did that. It was awesome.

1:43:54Brian Redban:And we love that here, believe it or not. You know, I'd love to have you on the secret show at the Creek in the Cave this Thursday. Oh my God, thank you so much. No. No, just put her on the secret show. Okay, thank you. And here you go. Here's a big joke book. Oh, thank you. If you fold it correctly, it turns into a pussy. So good luck. There goes Alexis Alazari, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're getting through it. We're running into overtime here. This has been a long show. This bucket pool's been waiting a while. Let's get him up here. Make some noise for Andre Belton, everybody. A minute uninterrupted for Andre Belton.

1:44:43Brian Redban:I'm half Latino. Just means that my dad is white and my mom knows how to seize an opportunity. Us Latinos, we have not been doing well. I don't know if you guys can tell from your gated communities. We haven't, we haven't. But no one, no Latino has gotten it worse than the president of Venezuela. You guys see that? We straight up stole that guy. We stole him. We straight up oceaned 11 him in the middle of the night with Nike sweats on and threw him in a cage with an angry Latina. Okay, that's... You know how much of a wild boy you have to be to be the only Latino to be forcefully imported?

1:45:28That's crazy. I like to imagine Trump visiting him in a jail cell. Look at who it is. You were talking so much shit over Xbox Live. Now look at you.

1:45:45You said I couldn't find you, but we literally found you in three seconds. It cost taxpayers$38 billion, but we did. We found you.

1:45:56Brian Redban:Andre Belton, everybody. The rare Latino doing a Trump impression, a.k.a. the God King. Welcome, Andre. You've been on this show before? No. Okay, it's your first time. This is my second time signing up. Okay, congratulations. How long have you lived in Austin? How did you know I lived in Austin? I don't. Right now you could be, oh, well, I'm actually visiting from New Orleans. And I'd be like, okay. No, I do live in Austin. I moved here about nine months ago. There you go. Took us a while to get there, but we got the answer out of you. Nine months. What do you do for work, Andre? What exactly do you do?

1:46:33Brian Redban:I sell myself on the internet. What do you mean? Of course you want to know what that means. go ahead andre no i do uh i do uh like comedy online full-time social media stupid videos okay like your biggest video what is that can you describe what you did on that video to where you make a living making videos for a living i do a lot of reaction content my biggest video has like 58 million views which is insane and it's literally just a guy backing up and reacted to a guy backing up uh and this bitch is like you can't back up like that and then he backs up and like does perfect parallel parking and i was like yeah that's right bitch he's right i'm on his side now and and that was it that was literally it okay yeah all right Big Ed has a video where he just turned, and it's got 100 billion views.

1:47:35Brian Redban:I know. Isn't that wild? I wish I had his neck. Yeah. You know this guy. You saw him next door at Shakespeare's? I did. I mean, it's kind of hard not to see him. He kind of stands out. He stands out in the pie. He does stand out. Let me ask you this, Andre. What do you like to do for fun? What are some hobbies of Andre Belton? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a little, maybe a little parkour once in a while. Parkour?

1:48:00Brian Redban:I'm feeling some parkour. Well, I do like hopping borders. That's fun. You do what? Hopping borders. What do you mean by that? Well, you know, the Latino joke that I just made? You know, that's insinuation that, okay, that didn't land at all. That's all right. No, I like fucking. Okay. Fucking's fun. I'm an ex-sex addict. Okay. What's the craziest amount of sex? Like, what's the most insane when you're like, man, this addiction's out of control? what's the craziest thing you did? Multiple girls in a week, a day, anything like that? I usually measure that by the amount of fat bitches that I fucked in the weekend.

1:48:37Brian Redban:Generally, you know what I mean? How many was that? How many pounds?

1:48:46Brian Redban:Accumulative? I would say it would definitely be... Give us a ballpark. Probably like 500 pounds. Oh, wow. So that's just one chick? One and a half. One really fat chick, or is that two 250s? Double 250s. Wow, look at that. Are the big gals drawn to you, or do you go find them? It's like they're drawn to me like a drug dealer's drawn to a crackhead on the streets. You know what I mean? Like when I haven't gotten my fix for a while. I realized I had a problem when When you were parkouring outside of a curbs gym When I was parkouring I was just jumping around And the fat bitches saw me And they just came around to me And they just fucked me right there It was insane How do you pick them up?

1:49:43Brian Redban:Well you can't pick them up But how do you get them to fuck you? I just want to let you know My preference isn't fat bitches That's just the lowest that I was at Yeah but that's the topic of conversation That is a good topic conversation. The bar is lowered. Let's put it that way. The salad bar is lowered. The best way to pick up chicks is just to be mean to them on Tinder. Ah, they're on Tinder. Yeah, that is the best way. To be mean, what do you mean? You're just going to be like, what's up, bitch? Whoa, wow. That's it. I tried the other way. I tried like, you're so beautiful, and I love everything that you are.

1:50:22How many times did you try that? So I actually, I got sponsored.

1:50:29Brian Redban:There's some fat women yelling at you from the audience right now. They're very angry. You want to go parkouring later? I'm fucking down. No, I got sponsored by Tinder in college. They actually reached out to me because I had like 2 ,000 matches. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. In your fanny pack or what? Yeah, that's how many matches you have to light after a weekend of banging fat girls to make the room not smell bad anymore. 2 ,000 matches. Anybody? Anybody get that one? Relieve the scent in the room? Okie dokie. Whoopsie daisy. All right, Andre, I got to tell you, these interviews tonight have been so crazy that this somehow is a very mellow one.

1:51:11You look like you sold coke to all the kids at the Sandlot. Yeah, it is true. I was like, the one rough kid that was like, you guys are still playing T-ball, huh? Yeah, dude, I went up to them and was like, fuck you guys. You guys are still pulling baseballs out of dogs' mouths? I'm fucking fat chicks. You guys don't even do parkour fat bitches? I think we did it.

1:51:34Brian Redban:Yeah. Sorry. Andre, this is a Bucky's medium size. This is a really good joke book. Here you go. The great Andre Belton, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we have a regular here, ladies and gentlemen. He is a, uh, unbelievably, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. We've been following his story from being in Japanese prison for a while. And, uh, and now he's back in America, touring all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, one of our great regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute or a minute plus from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. The Dirt Store of Austin, Texas.

1:52:19What's up? Do y 'all, do y 'all, what happened to horror movies? Like, cause like, when I was growing up, horror movies, we had like, actual monsters. Like, we had like, Freddy, like, don't go to sleep in a white neighborhood on Friday. You know, you had Jason, like, don't bully fat kids, that nigga go come back and kill Chucky. Like, it was like, actual scary things. Like, don't go to the lake at night, There's a mermaid that's going to kill you. And now when you watch horror movies, they're just like, don't fall in love. Don't ever meet your neighbors, nigga. The worst thing you could do is meet your neighbors.

1:52:59Now everybody's dead. Don't ever open up, all right? Don't ever open up. Don't meet anybody new. Don't go on vacation. Just sit in the house and hate people. That's my time. I love y 'all.

1:53:14Brian Redban:a great new minute i love it that is true where the fuck what happened to the good fucking scary guys that's crazy right i mean we had michael myers jason freddy chucky well i got i got a theory on it tony i think it's uh i think the ai robots want us to stop unionizing being friends and that's because they they keep take they buying up all the houses with the cryptocurrency electric money and then and then they want us living in apartments because you can't meet nobody if you got to take an elevator uh because like when you the rules on the elevator don't look me in the fucking eyes you know i'm saying don't have a cop like me and you were talking to we get on elevator somebody come on we just stop talking because we don't want them niggas to know our secrets absolutely everybody there's no doubt about it you've nailed it yet again it is incredible though you are right it's like the places are haunted but the people aren't haunted.

1:54:13Brian Redban:And everybody's chasing these dragons. You can tell that some things worked. What the fuck was I watching the other day where it's like, oh, this is a good new scary movie. You're going to like it. And I was watching it. And then all of a sudden there's a clown crawling towards somebody that looked like the clown from It. I'm like, this is just ripping off It. They're just trying to redo things. I think that movie was It. They remade it. Yeah.

1:54:36Brian Redban:Something else. the fuck was it I just wanted to oh it was Widow's bed and then someone was like this show's fucking great it's so great and I'm like how good is your weed because I fucking tried it and then there's a clown the first thing that's so scary this twist this twisty show is a clown in the crawl space thank you Michael Gonzalez wasn't it Dedrick okay how dare you there was an opportunity for a great joke There was. And I capitalized on it because I be capitalizing. You are capitalizing. You never. You are capitalizing. But yeah, fucking, I was so pissed when it was a fucking clown. You saw that shit?

1:55:21Brian Redban:It drives me crazy. Why are they doing that? Why would they do that? Come up with your own thing. Son of a bitch. Obsession was crazy, though. Did you see that shit, Adam? So good. Oh, my God. Incredible. Did you see it, Dedrick? No, I was in jail. Oh, okay. Perfect. But it's on the list of things that you sent me to watch. Yeah, you have some catching up to do. Have you seen Allah Ha Ha yet? It's not out, but I can get you on the list for the screening. I might be in it. Taliban, we might be doing it. We might be co-starring fucking MVP. Starring Red Band and Adam Ray. Allah Ha Ha Ha. or the taliban it might be let's not forget title undecided yeah title the untitled project yeah and if you liked allahaha you'll love allahahaha

1:56:22Brian Redban:oh my god uh dead jerk what else is going on in life anything crazy i just recorded my a comedy special at a theater in Atlanta. My first had a lot of TV. It's going to be out on the YouTubes. But it's gorgeous. Finally went on vacation. That was cool. I was in the sands. I ain't been in the sands in nine years. And I won't go back again. What are the sands? Are you talking about the beach? Yeah, I'm going to water, though. You know what I'm saying? When it started to become ocean and let's be, and the ocean start right here. You know what I'm saying? So as soon as it hit right here, I'm back in the sands.

1:57:04Wow. Building castles. I buried a couple of my close niggas. Nice. You know what I'm saying? A couple of...

1:57:19Sands. Yeah. I see the tan. You got tan. Yeah, thank you so much. Wow. You are... What did you have today? Red Band, you are on fire. You are on fire. Your new nickname is Wade Boggs because you're batting over a thousand.

1:57:38Brian Redban:You know what, Red Band? We've been doing this show together 13 years. This has been... I never thought the day would come, but I'm telling you right now, ladies and gentlemen, this is a golden ticket right here. Marine Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Let the record show. This has never happened before. And my friend, tonight, you have earned it. You are absolutely hilarious. I'm going to shoot myself in the head now. Come on, White Dad. Dedrick, we are running in overtime. I love you. You killed it again. The great and powerful Dedrick flick. What an episode. We're having fun here tonight. These interviews have gone so long that fucking chaos.

1:58:29Brian Redban:How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody?

1:58:34Huh?

1:58:35Brian Redban:Oh, yeah, we're having fun. How about one more time for the great Adam Ray while we're in the middle of it all? This looks like a new name, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Maya Shimizu. Maya Shimizu.

1:58:54Ladies, have you ever told a man you're gay to get him to fuck off? Right. But they're relentless. They don't give a federal fuck. They're like, no, baby, you just haven't had the right dick yet. Let me change. Imagine if I did that shit to a gay man. I walk up to him. I'm like, hey, baby, says, fuck off, I'm gay. I said, no, baby, you just haven't had the right pussy yet. You've never had this Asian persuasion. You've never climbed the great wall of vagina. A lot of people think I am gay. so you know i had to do a little science experiment uh i ate some pussy but you know the thing about a science experiment you just can't test that shit once that's bad fucking science so you know i had to double check to make sure i wasn't gay triple check fourth day you know i took her to get a cab moved in with her introduced to my pants but on like the 10th time i was like okay i'm very straight um i'm not gay but i am asian and i am here today to disprove some stereotypes.

1:59:53Stereotype number one. We have tight pussy.

1:59:59Stereotype number one. We have tight pussies. First of all, fuck y 'all whoever said that, okay? Some of us have hot dogs in a hallway for a fucking pussy. Some of us have wide set fucking vagina. Not me or anything, like, you know, not talking about my...

2:00:12Brian Redban:Other Asians. Stereotype number two. Go ahead, go ahead. I want to hear this. Go ahead. We have sideways pussies. that one's true that's why we blur it out in porn okay maya shimizu am i saying that right shimizu like she and me at the zoo okay i think we had a shimizu up here earlier uh she did us uh um okay a shihizu if you will okay um maya i gotta ask you where are you from because i'm picking up from your accent, a little bit of urban, a little bit of urban. Are you from Oakland, California? No, I'm from Austin, Texas. Oh, wow. Born and raised. I'm just like Asian trash if it ever existed.

2:00:59Brian Redban:Nina Lynn. How did you end up There he is. Taking this back.

2:01:11Brian Redban:Good Lord almighty. That's what I have to deal with every week. I'm sorry. Okay. No, you're good, Maya. You're good. He's back. He's back. Red band. Okay. So you're from Austin. I'm going to scratch out Oakland. I was so positive about Oakland, by the way. I'm sorry. It's okay. What part of Austin are you from? I'm from North Austin. North Austin. You have a lot of black friends? Some. They're cool. Uh-huh. Okay. You're a racist. I mean, we can get into that later. Okay, so Maya, how long have you been doing stand-up? About a month. A month. Very good for a month. I gotta tell you, you have a great stage presence.

2:01:59Brian Redban:I appreciate it. You're enunciating into the microphone. You have energy. I was begging for a shot backstage, so I appreciate that. You're doing good. Thank you. What, sake? What did you want back then? Okay, Maya, what do you do for a living? I'm a fire inspector. Ooh, a fire inspector. Tell us about that. How do you get into that? I've changed careers about nine times. Like I've done I worked for child protective services for a while. I worked I was a middle school teacher and then I said, fuck them kids. And now I'm just a professional snitch. I'm like, take the candle away. Put a fire hydrant there.

2:02:35Brian Redban:OK. And do you what are you inspecting exactly the outdoors or you go into people's homes? I go to businesses and I just inspect, make sure that there's no like fire hazards. so like you make sure that their smoke detectors are going yeah let me ask you a question here oh okay because i mean there is you were talking about stereotypes we talk about stereotypes i love stereotypes i find and it gets me in trouble sometimes i find that the differences between different cultures are so fascinating to me and i love that we live in america a melting pot where Asians with black accents from Texas can come out here.

2:03:13Brian Redban:We can do it all, baby. We can do it all here in America. So my question is this. Have you noticed that black-owned businesses do not change their smoke detectors as much as white-owned businesses? Perhaps I have noticed. Maybe they will be, but, you know. Wow, so that is a thing. It's a part of their culture, you know. I just don't say anything. Right. You don't say anything? You let them burn? You're making me look bad. Oh, my goodness. Maya, what's your dream guy like? What kind of guys are you into in real life? Because you talked a lot about how you'll say you're gay, this, that. So it seems like no one's good enough for you.

2:03:46Brian Redban:But what are you into? It's a struggle. I'm open to everybody. Have you been with a black man before? I mean, what do you think? Yes. Yeah. I have a joke about that too. Okay, what's your joke about that? Okay. So, my joke. Well, I did get one stereotype right. I am dating a white guy. He's like your favorite milk. Rich, white, and 2 % fat. Thank you. Okay. I think he wanted a Asian male-order bride, but he kind of got the T-moo version. Get to the black part. Okay, fine. I usually date black guys, all right? Right. That guy just said, what did I tell you? Jesus. What do you mean? Are you on panel, sir?

2:04:33I think that was Dedrick. But I don't have a fan.

2:04:35Brian Redban:What did I tell you? Let me back up on things. I've been with that bitch before I tried to watch a fucking scary movie with her ass You wanna watch it? They remade it They did, but it was a good joke That was it Yeah, that was a whole joke What was the joke? That I just fucked black guys Oh No, no, there's more, but it's okay Okay How do you, what's your writing process like? Like when you prepared tonight's set How did you, were the other jokes that you I mean, did you just think like Alright, I'm gonna try to be personal to be informative. Yeah, I hope you guys all learned about Asian pussies tonight.

2:05:12I wanted to educate y 'all. No, those are just the jokes that, I've been only doing comedy for a month, but those are the jokes that usually hit.

2:05:19Brian Redban:So I was like, let me just do those. What made you want to start stand-up a month ago? My best friend told me, she's like, you're really fucking funny. So she was like, it'd be a waste if you didn't try it. And she's Jewish, so they know good talent. Yeah, they run the business. We do. They are show business proficient, we say. Where did you make this Jewish friend at exactly? We've been best friends since high school. Oh, nice. Okay. You went to high school here in Austin, Texas? McAllen. What's their mascot? What's McAllen's mascot? I think it's a knight. Oh, okay. All right.

2:05:57Maya, any hobbies?

2:05:59Brian Redban:Any special skills or talents that would surprise us? You seem like the kind of person that's heavily into parkour. How did you know? No, I like lifting. I like movies. Oh, wow. What do you like to lift? Seems like mostly forks and spoons.

2:06:23Brian Redban:Okay, all right. Chopsticks, Tony. Oh. Thank you.

2:06:35Brian Redban:The first ever two-time Golden Sicket winner. Ladies and gentlemen. Brian, I'd like to book you on the Secret Show on Thursday.

2:06:47Brian Redban:Wow. I mean, you are a real artiste tonight. The emotional rollercoaster you're taking us on tonight, Brian, is almost too much to handle. The best part is going to be like, you know, like, I can just picture like two mechanics that love this show, right? Are at work on a Tuesday or a Wednesday. They're like, God, you see the new Kill Tony? And the other one's like, no, what happened? Dude, the guest was Adam Ray. Wow, oh my God, he must have been hilarious. Well, Red Man stole the show. The other guy's like, no way. Absolutely, dude, he got two golden tickets. What? What? Tony gave one, took it right back, gave it to him again.

2:07:29Never seen it. Dead It was in the back. Tony and Adam were really good, but Redman, I mean, it was unbelievable. The guy's just like, no fucking way, dude. What are you? Let me guess. Widow's Bay is a great show, too? Fucking hunk of shit.

2:07:48Brian Redban:A hunk of shit. Everybody's talking. That's how bad shows have gotten. Is that people are like, you got to watch this show. It's like fucking terrible, right? What's good? What's good anymore? House of Dragons. What else? Friends and Neighbors I just got into pretty good with Jon Hamm pretty good show what are you trying to get a guest spot on it what's going on over here I've never heard of this there is nothing the answer is nothing King of the Hill I'm in a bunch of King of the Hill that's just Mike Judge crushing from here in Austin Texas that doesn't count help us get Mike Judge where's Mike Judge at we talked to him like years ago and then he disappeared.

2:08:30Brian Redban:I think he's distancing himself from controversial ways. Anyway. Maya Shimizu. I like your style, Maya. Congratulations. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Sign up again. Keep writing. You have very good... Your Jewish friend was right. You have very, very good honesty, talent. You're pushing it. If you keep doing this, something great's going to happen for you, Maya Shimizu. There you go. Maya Shimizu, ladies and gentlemen. Alright, this episode's gone on way too long. If you're wondering, we are in way, way over time. This is much longer than your average episode. So congratulations to you, the audience, for really getting a lot of bang for your buck.

2:09:11Brian Redban:And congratulations to you, the always ungrateful viewers at home. Make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. His name is Jacob Gildry. Jacob Gildry.

2:09:29Growing up, I was in this club called FFA. If you're not familiar, that's the Future Farmers of America. And that is the club that teaches you how to storm the Capitol. Come on.

2:09:41These people are very country. They still think AI stands for artificial insemination. They're just like, Elon's trying to do what to my phone?

2:09:57He's trying to fuck it. I didn't fit in with these people. And the worst part about it was that my parents sent me to the FFA summer camp. And the worst part wasn't that I didn't fit in. It was that I tore my meniscus there doing the cha-cha slide. That's so embarrassing. Tearing your meniscus is something that NFL players do. like Patrick Mahomes could lose his meniscus to the Chargers and I lost mine to the left now y 'all

2:10:30Brian Redban:thank you very much Jacob Gildry is that true you really tore your meniscus doing the cha-cha I did tear my meniscus doing the cha-cha slide yes wow are you the Jewish friend that told Shinzu to do stand up you got me wow great catchphrase yeah amazing you got me What are those charms on your necklace there? What do you got there? I have a cross and I have a St. Christopher pendant. Oh, you have Jesus on a cross to remember that your people slaughtered him and murdered him. Well, I just like to remember the best moments of our people. That is right. Pawn the guilt off on the Romans. An incredible move in the history of civilization.

2:11:14Brian Redban:Absolutely unbelievable. Are you Jewish, Jacob? I am not. Oh, okay. Everyone thinks I am. I'm full-blown Cajun. I'm from Louisiana. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Have you ever thought about telling your face that you're not Jewish? It's hard to look at it in the mirror, so no. Wow. Do you ever wear a yarmulke just so that you can book things? No, but I do get better mortgage rates when I go to the bank, so I try it out. Incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Where at? Lake Charles, Louisiana. Lake Charles, Louisiana. Wow. And what made you come here today? Uh, actually I've been about 15 times in the past year.

2:11:54Brian Redban:Wow. You make a drive to do that? Yep. How long is that drive? It's about five hours. Wow. Look at that. 15 times. You finally got up. You're very funny, man. Thank you. How much time do you have? Uh, 30 minutes. Awesome. And you get up a lot around, uh, Louisiana? Yeah, a lot around Louisiana. Uh, I run the scene in Lake Charles, so we do open mics and I book comics that come through. So, uh, we do shows and, uh, I travel a good bit. It's Lake Charles near Baton Rouge. Yeah, two hours. Okay. We're like right over the, about an hour from Beaumont. You know our guy that just got a golden ticket a few weeks ago?

2:12:28Brian Redban:Very funny, man. I came here with both of those guys that were on that episode, and I did not get pulled, and thankfully, I did not kill myself, and now we're here. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. Would you like to open for me in Birmingham, Alabama, and Atlanta, Georgia in October? Wow. Wow. Wow. But you have to take that fucking cross off your neck. No, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. It's in October, so I'll just bump in and we'll swap info. Absolutely. Two theater gigs out there. Absolutely. Yes. Yes. You just got a real big gig out of that, buddy. It's a huge theater with the great Adam Ray.

2:13:09Brian Redban:There he goes, Jacob Gildry, with the big joke book. Sign up again sometime, Jacob. Very funny people coming out of fucking the middle of nowhere in Louisiana right now. I'm telling you, there is something going on there. Something's cooking in Louisiana. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. You've made it to the absolute final part of the show in which we all just get to sit back and be fans of stand-up comedy because my closing regular is, I mean, what can I say? I could sit here and yap, yap, yap about it. I just got to tell you, it is just one of my favorite things ever in the history of the show to watch this man work.

2:13:53Brian Redban:I'm a super fan. A super fan. Make some fucking noise for the real deal. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pat O 'Neill.

2:14:27Folks!

2:14:31Someone put a swastika on my Tesla? It was me.

2:14:43You know, it's illegal to draw a swastika in Germany. or play hide and seek, but that's enough politics. Okay, you wore yourselves out up front, fuckers.

2:14:58Last night I was in bed with my gal pal, told me she wanted to role play. I was like, all right, let's pretend we're at a beach and a jellyfish just stung your face.

2:15:22Other day, she told me she's taking a woman self-defense class. I was like, oh, nice. You're learning how to cook. Okay. That's it. Thank you.

2:15:39Brian Redban:Pat O 'Neill. Wow. I mean, look at this. People are on their feet. Thank you, bro. Welcome back. incredible wow dude you're gonna be a megastar dude there's just like your your delivery your performative skills like people you're just so goddamn likable and then your jokes yeah I don't know how many times have I been on the show when you've been here a few times right yeah I've followed you they like gave you the fucking golden ticket the last time right before I got it and then to go sprint to get it and um the first time i was on netflix i followed you as a wow oh shit now yeah there's a man like joe biden that was here but yeah yeah no it's me um but i appreciate you trying to appreciate i don't know improv yeah you're killing it that was very funny very funny again pat how's life been going for you every week the pops get bigger it's so deserved i mean I know.

2:16:42I mean, fucking thank you guys. That was insane. I don't know what the fuck.

2:16:51Brian Redban:I just heard the I told you so guy say fuck yeah. Yeah. That guy is a big predictor of things. Oh, is he? He knew that the Asian was with a black man earlier. Oh, did he? It was a real fucking incel convention out here earlier. Oh, holy shit. It's wild. It's been an absolutely crazy night. We've had Asians galore, trans. We've had shy white guys, a Turkish dude. Some guy just sang the thong song at one point. We definitely had to edit it out. That was my favorite part of the show. We had to edit it out. Who knows? Maybe it'll make it on the Supercast, the new bonus footage. For$5 a month, you can get the Supercast.

2:17:37Brian Redban:What a great price, huh? that's the price of you can get for you can get almost 140 big head cameos alright Pat what else is going on anything else crazy no I don't know did killers this weekend there's nothing no real stories from it you went and did it what cities were those Lubbock and Midland Texas by golly Southwest really fucked me on the way there but overall good shows what happened with Southwest I got, they like rerouted the plane because there was a delay like automatically in the app, but then I still made it to the gate while they were boarding people and they told me to fuck myself basically.

2:18:17Brian Redban:Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd you make it to the gig? I had to get, I had to go to Dallas first after that and fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Now I'd always be, if I was a normal human being, right, you're on a Southwest flight or wait, are seats assigned now in Southwest? Yes. I trust Big Mike. No, they're not. They are? No, they're not. They're not? You were just there. They are assigned now? Was that a middle seat that you had by any chance? Oh, the new flight that I got put on was a middle seat with a fucking baby and one of them next to me. Wow. Now, I'd imagine if I didn't watch this show at all and you sat next to me on a plane, I'd be kind of freaked out.

2:19:01Brian Redban:I don't take up a lot of space. Do you do anything quirky on a plane? Are you headphones, neck pillow, blindfold? What do you do on the plane? Yeah, no blindfold, but maybe. That sounds... I don't know why I said blindfold. I meant eye mask, right? That'd be crazy if you walked in blindfold. Like a kidnapping victim or something like that. But I could see you doing something like that. You're a funny guy. I think I'm going to. Or do you just sit there in silence and stare straight ahead like... Yeah. Fouch! you are built for this game pat o 'neill truly truly not one of but i can say without any hesitation the fastest rising comedian in the world live in the flesh one more time for the great pat o 'neill you're watching a juggernaut in real time we find the talent here and we amplify it and that also includes uh here on the panel every single week.

2:20:05Brian Redban:You know, I love showing off the funniest people in the world, which brings me to my big point here. If you don't see where I'm getting, how about one more time for the great Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. The Adam Ray Show. Thank you. I love you. You guys are a great crowd. On Netflix every Friday, two-time guest of the year, two-time Hall of Famer. He's just, I mean, no one has the accolades that this man has on this show, on its history, my true brother. I mean, we were literally door guys together at the comedy store making, I believe,$6.15 an hour. That's two pens. Yeah. No, it's not. I'm telling you, this pen thing, it's crazy.

2:20:52Brian Redban:You don't want to start. It's crazy. But Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, watch his show on Netflix. He's the fucking man. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll ask, you know, one of us to be on this show or something. That'd be nice. I just did upstairs, remember? I have a concussion. I don't remember. Catch us at Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th, Vegas 11, 13, 11, 14, November 13th and 14th. And New Year's Eve in Austin. Tickets go on sale August 18th. Use the promo code KILL26. and the band plays at City Winery on August 6th in New York City on that Thursday night. But catch us at Madison Square Garden.

2:21:38Brian Redban:If you can't catch us at Madison Square Garden, watch the stream live. It is an incredible thing. We are back to... We're back to our own stream sometimes, which is very exciting, which means that it's completely unedited and super raw. Anything can happen unlike some of our experimental episodes with other streaming sites that we've done and still will do in the future. And that's about it. Red Band? Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com secret show every Thursday. I love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:22:35Thank you.

2:23:11Wasted, let's go

2:23:28Thank you.

2:24:02Thank you.