#780 - FLUFFY - HARLAND WILLIAMS - ADAM RAY (INTUIT DOME, LOS ANGELES CA)

18:22Brian Redban:Oh, awesome. Yeah, which is pretty cool. I love it. I love it. She's from Spain. Nice. She has a funny accent. You know, it's great. Can I ask a question, guy? Be honest. If a fly went by way up there, would your tongue get it?

18:41That's why my wife married me, so yes.

18:43Brian Redban:Yeah. Yeah.

18:49Brian Redban:I love it, Shay. What do you do for work? I do this, mostly. I dedicate my time to going around and doing as many shows as I can, featuring stuff, and I write on the side. My wife makes most of the money, so, you know. I love it. What does she do? She's an actress. Oh, awesome. We do a lot of gigs and stuff. We're an entertainment couple. I love it, man. I find you to be so funny and such a special treat. I'll tell you what, next time you come to Austin, no matter what Monday you pick, I'll automatically give you a spot on another show and on Kill Tony on a Monday, live from the comedy mothership.

19:27Brian Redban:How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Shea Freeman, ladies and gentlemen. We are off and running. There goes Shea. He was awesome. Hell yeah. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. The lovely Heidi and Val have arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Very nice to see them after looking at Shea Freeman for five minutes straight, I gotta tell ya. Get the blood circulating back to my lower half a little bit. But the good news is you can always picture Shea Freeman if you're ever about to come too fast in bed. Always remember, picture Shea Freeman. Do people do that? Do they come too fast? Sometimes. Have you ever? Yeah.

20:12Like how fast? Very, very fast.

20:15Brian Redban:Like in terms of seconds, how many seconds? Man, there's been some times where it's been between 5 and 10 seconds. Wow, dude. You're like the Flash. Yeah. Wow. How about you? As far as... As far as... Have you ever come real fast? Daily. okay how about you what's the fastest you've ever come i don't know about coming but i'm moving over into the next chair real fast now you have your arm around me so i'm moving back hello there my dear friends you know if you've been sitting on a business idea shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real you know when i launched the kiltony storefront i was surprised by how much was already taken care of i didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated setup steps.

21:02Brian Redban:Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one. Shopify checkout helped more people complete their purchases and returning customers could check out even faster because their information was already saved. That friction-free experience gave me confidence that the sales side was working the way it should. Once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building the store to actually growing the business. Instead of worrying about the technical side, I could spend more time improving products, connecting with customers, and finding new ways to grow. You know, being creative.

21:33Brian Redban:Right, Bam? It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide, from first-time entrepreneurs to major brands. The infrastructure is already there. You just bring the idea. That's right, Red Bam. I couldn't have said it better myself. With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at shopify.com slash killtony. Start your free trial at shopify.com slash killtony. All right, let's keep this fun trade moving along. We have a golden ticket winner who was born and raised in Los Angeles, California, ladies and gentlemen.

22:11Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. Make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody.

22:22Los Angeles! Oh my God. Man, my girlfriend and I did mushrooms together pretty recently, you know. Oh, you guys like mushrooms. I fucking hated it. I had a horrible time. She was having a great time. I started panicking and she tried to calm me down. But the only thing I remember her saying to me was,

22:53Although there's another thing I remember too. At one point she goes, Jack, my pussy feels crazy. And I said, me too.

23:04And then during the trip I start writing about Epstein. I start journaling about Epstein. I'm such a bad hang. You should not do drugs with me. This is, I start writing about Epstein. But I did get something good out of it. I realized, to me, the funniest part about the Epstein files is that when you log on to the library to look at the files, the first question it asks is, are you 18?

23:32And if you click no, you're in. Thank you, guys.

23:38Brian Redban:Jack Shaw doing it in his hometown. How do you feel, Jack? This is amazing. This is so cool. Holy shit. I'm actually having a bit of a panic attack right now. So that's awesome. I love it. Holy shit. Okay. I love it. Jack, Jack, the curiosity is killing me. What's in the bag? Oh, what's in the bag? What's in the fucking bag, Gabriel? Okay, so I'm from L.A., right? And I wanted to bring you some gifts from Los Angeles, Tony. Would that be cool with you? Absolutely. I lived here for almost 20 years, but sure. Yeah, give me some gifts from L.A. Well, you gave me a golden ticket, so I wanted to get you a Pray the Gay Away camp ticket.

24:22And so I made you something important. This first one, this first one's an anal chastity belt. Let me get it out really quick. Wow. Can we play some music?

24:31Brian Redban:I don't think you're supposed to say what it is before giving it, but okay. We'll play some music while I get it out. All right. Is it a menorah with dildos instead of candles? All right. Here we go. This is a real live show, everybody. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Okay, bear with me, bear with me. This first one, if you can put it on and you turn around, it says... Oh my goodness. Wow. And since we're in Hollywood, you can have a little fun with it, dude. You can have a little fun, so you got a little... You've heard a carrot top. This is yarmulke top, everybody. Okay. All right. Okay, I got two more.

25:08Brian Redban:Don't worry, we'll get out of here. Don't worry. Okay. All right, here he is. Taking up a lot of real estate like a typical Jew. Okay, all right, all right. So this next one I got for you, I got for you in, you know, surfing's big in Los Angeles, so I got you this from West Hollywood. This is a boogie board from West Hollywood, okay. It's another... Okay. It's a boogie board, dude. Okay. Okay, all right. All right, let's do the third one. Dude, I got to tell you, if this doesn't work out the way you're dressed, you could get a job at any funeral parlor in the same. We'll get out of here on this one.

25:50We'll get out of here on this one. This one I got for you from my synagogue. This is a Jewish wallet.

25:59So on one side, you can have the media, and on the other, the World Bank. Wow. Okay, this was not great. All right. Thank you guys so much.

26:09Brian Redban:One more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. So Jewish that he literally just bombed civilians here at the Intuit Dome.

26:22Brian Redban:The only guy that I think brought family out tonight just bombed live on this show, everybody. It's incredible. How about a hand for the Latino man mopping absolutely nothing. There's a man with a mop standing out in front of 15 ,000 people doing nothing at all whatsoever. He's very excited. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chris Aguier, everybody. Here comes Chris Aguier. Thank you. I went to JCPenney the other day. Guys, nobody shops there anymore. It's all just Mexicans. I went to the front entrance and they had a 12-year-old chubby boy guarding the entrance. Now hear me out.

27:15Hear me out. I went up to the boy. Hold on. I went up to the boy and asked him, aren't you a little too young to be working here? And he said, mind your own business, playboy. I was like, okay, I apologize. So I went up to him and apologized. Wow, this is going to be a lot worse than I thought.

27:50All right.

27:51Brian Redban:Are you done? Yeah. Okay, all right. Wow. Chris. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy, Chris? I'm sorry? How long have you been doing comedy? A year. A year. Where at? San Diego, California. Okay. What do you think happened tonight?

28:11Brian Redban:They don't like you. They don't like San Diego. They don't like JCPenney either. They don't like JCPenney. They didn't like your setup. They didn't like your punchlines. They didn't like the fact that you pranced out here like a little reindeer real quick. That was kind of weird. They don't like your delivery. Tell them something that's going to make you like them. You're here in the heart of Los Angeles. You're right by the airport. Um, well, it might come as a surprise to you, but I'm actually going to be moving here in a couple months to pursue comedy full-time.

28:46I know. Wow. If you've ever wondered what it's like to do comedy in a haunted house, this is the most booze you're ever going to hear.

28:57Brian Redban:Wow. Are you gay, Chris? I'm getting a little gay vibe from you. You gay? What? Are you gay? No. Oh. I'm in a relationship. Am I that gay? I'm not that gay, right? He's more gay than me, right? Wow. Chris, I'm trying everything here. Before letting you go, I'm trying everything for you to get one pop, to get the crowd to like you one time. Is there something about you Chris that you think the people of Los Angeles would love to know about you? Yeah, sometimes I'll go to gay bars just to see if guys hit on me Hold on I asked if you're gay you said no, but I'm not I'm not gay You know, I'm just you know I go just to see if I get you know just get my spirits up a little bit You know you go to gay bars to see if gay guys will hit on you taking an opportunity from an actual gay man.

29:53Brian Redban:Much like you did signing up for the bucket tonight, taking an opportunity away from a comedian. And either way... It's nice to get a compliment every once in a while. There you go. At least Red Band got rid of his one fart noise already. Can I ask him something? Gabriel Iglesias. Okay, brother. You've been doing this for about a year, right? That's right. You've been doing this for about a year? A year, yeah. Okay. How many shows do you think you've done? How many performances? I perform like two or three times a week. Okay. Give me a second, you guys. I was doing that new joke tonight. The question I want to ask is, what is the funniest closer?

30:32What's the way that you get off stage every night when you perform that makes you go, you know what, I'm funny enough to be on Kill Tony? What's that closer joke? Give us the one joke. Right now, the one joke that you're like, this is what I close on. Your best joke right now.

30:48Brian Redban:We're giving him one chance

30:54All right, so I saw on the news that San Diego Police Department is gonna start using ketamine darts on Wild animals that roam populated areas.

31:04Brian Redban:Have you guys heard about this? You can't you can't ask questions like that. You gotta fucking go dude. You gotta go You're leaving me go ahead Jesus fuck me if anyone finds a realistic bear costume Please come find me. I'll be outside. All right. Truffle button! All right, Chris. I think there'll be a realistic bear costume at that gay bar you're hanging out at. Here's a little joke book. And, man, I forgot to give... I forgot to give fucking the shit-face guy a real joke book. Wait, the what face? The guy that was shit-face. There he goes, Chris. Oh, I thought you meant elevator door face. Puck.

31:45Brian Redban:You guys remember when the guy with the crazy face was up here? And then Heidi and Val came up and, like, it was all hot and fun again? I'm about to do that with comedy right now. I'm going to the Legends bucket, everybody. We're going to stage this room that Chris Aguirre's set. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reason why so many of us ended up in Austin, Texas. He convinced Rogan. he convinced a lot of people. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians of all time. This is Kill Tony legend, comedy legend, one of my best friends, the one and only Ron White.

32:50Thank you, thank you, thank you.

32:55I know we're having a really good time tonight, but I'm going to start with this. We just had to bury one of our comedy brothers who took his own life two weeks ago, and I would like to remind everybody that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see someone, so never, ever hesitate to tell somebody I'm going to need that money.

33:29Netflix festival, man. How great, right? I think they added some categories to the warnings on Netflix films to make them seem more interesting. I was watching a movie the other night. The warning was this long. It had categories I'd never heard of. It said, warning, violence, gore, adult situations, nudity, sexual situations, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, smoking. I'm like, am I in this?

34:01You know, during the...

34:06During the pandemic, I know on Netflix, they had that one button that said, surprise me. And I never pushed it, because I just don't trust those motherfuckers, you know? And eventually, I watched everything on television. On Netflix, there wasn't a watch, and I was just staring at that thing. And eventually, I pushed it, and it was my parents fucking.

34:28And I got to tell you, I was surprised. I was... Where did you get this footage? So I lived here for years. I lived in Beverly Hills and moved to Austin. And what spurred to move on was I hated my neighbor's wife. And that's the worst thing you can have is a bad neighbor. You have to move. You can't kill them. I looked it up. And we lived on a cliff with views from downtown L.A. all the way to the ocean. And I spoke to this woman twice in three years, both times ridiculously unpleasant. The first time she accused me of stealing their newspaper. And she was really shitty about it. We had a company, and she banged on the door.

35:17You stole our newspaper, and you know you did. You've done it before, blah, blah, blah, blah, fuck, or whatever she said. And I said, lady, if you know anything about me, you know I don't steal, and I don't read a fucking newspaper. And I slammed the door in her face. Now, I totally stole their newspaper. and they had footage from their security camera they were able to send to my phone. I don't know how they did that. But I'm like, yeah, it looks like me in my robe walking over to your house. That's your driveway bending over. Those are my balls. Picking up a newspaper, you could be on to something, sleuthy.

35:52But I still thought it was shitty over to bring it up in public. The second time was just a little while back. I bought some new patio furniture and the new patio furniture had an umbrella that was blocking her view of Century City. And she came over to my house with steam just shooting out of her stupid little fucking ears. And she bangs on the door and she goes, you got to move that umbrella and you got to move it now. You're blocking my view of Century City. It makes my house worth less money. I can call the police. Now move that umbrella and move it now. That's how she talked. Move it now.

36:25Now, I got to tell you, if she would have asked me nice to move it, I probably would have done it because I like to be a good neighbor and I really wasn't sold on the umbrella one way or the other. But now, ooh, I love it. I do. And my favorite thing about it is where it is. And that's where it will always be. Until the bigger one I ordered on Amazon Prime gets there on Tuesday. And I will essentially be able to block the sun from her home. She will no longer be able to grow vegetables. And her entire family will die of fucking scurvy.

37:02Thank you.

37:06What I hate about myself is when I get into a verbal altercation with somebody, I just get vicious. And I don't even know why. And sometimes it's like I'm watching myself doing it. Ron, you really think they deserve this? I'm like, fuck you, motherfucker. Go get them, cowboy. And that's what happened to this lady. she's walking away and she goes I'm going to tell my husband you said I was a and I said he knows thanks for playing along let's all have a good time tonight don't forget to love each other hell yeah we're not leaving a stone unturned we're going to find the best funniest person on this planet and we're going to have him on this stage thanks to you guys thanks a lot

37:54Brian Redban:One more time for the great Ron White, everybody. Come on!

38:01Brian Redban:A bucket pool has to follow that. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for bucket pool number three. It's Damien Rigao. Damien Rigao.

38:22I think all female turned male transgenders should have to play a year of football in the NFL. Not to prove that men are stronger than women, but so that scientists can study a brain that's been damaged twice.

38:39My girlfriend and I have been going plastic free lately. Do you know how hard it is to carve a dildo out of wood and why did she want me to stain it black? We did try it once, but I got splinters in my ass.

38:57My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship for the last six months. I just haven't told her yet. I'm afraid to tell her because dating again is hard for a guy that's 5 '9". You know, honestly, the hardest part about being 5 '9 is having a big dick. I never get to use it. She did find out, though, when we broke up. Now the only time I touch women is when I titty-fuck strippers and hug my mom.

39:28Brian Redban:Okay, Damien Regal, welcome. Damien Regal. Damien Regal. Thank you. Okay. You made him sound international, the way you said it. Yeah, it's spelled differently. It's R-I-G-E-L. R-I-G-O-L. Yeah. Okay. Rigol. Rigol. Yeah. Okay, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second mic. Wow. What made you want to sign up for this in front of 15 ,000 people? I've been watching your show since the Vulcan Gas Company days, and I just really love it. Hell yeah. Shout out Vulcan. It's where we built a fucking little empire in Austin, Texas, while waiting for the mothership to be built. after a real shitty club in Austin decided that we were too racist for them.

40:14Brian Redban:Bunch of pussies. But anyway, Balkan's the shit. You are correct. Where was the other open mic at that you tried? It was in Seattle, and that transgender joke got booed so hard. Yeah, I bet. Seattle. Seattle's a real dumb. Let's check in with Harlan Williams. You know what I love about comedy, Tony? You just never know who's going to do it. Like anyone from any walk of life could do stand-up comedy. And for the cover model for Just for Men hair color to come in here and blow this room apart. God bless you, you funny little freak from Finland. I must say, it looks so natural that no one can tell.

40:57Brian Redban:Just for men gel. A guy in the back asked if you starred in that Elton John biopic. Yeah? Yeah, and I told him no. Okay, it is your second mic. Good job, Damien. Stick to material. Stick to material, you bearded freak. Welcome. Okay, I'm changing it from just for men to ISIS. How about that? You look good, Damien. What do you do for a living? I'm a certified public accountant. I do tax returns for a living. Wow. Wow. Oh, this is South Los Angeles. They do not believe in paying taxes here. Yeah. You're an accountant? Can I ask you a math question? Question? Sure. Why don't they just call 7-Eleven stores 18?

41:44I don't know. I don't know. You're not an accountant. You're a model. You're a model for beard color and hair color. When I get home, I'm going to slap my sister's giant fat face just because you were born.

41:58Brian Redban:That's... You're causing a lot of trouble here, Damien. I got to say, I'm thoroughly impressed with the fact... If you would have said I've been doing this for a year, I thought your confidence, the way you came out, the way you presented, you had to follow Ron White. Yeah. And for doing this two times, I wasn't that funny. Yeah. It took me a long time to have that kind of confidence and that poise, and so kudos to you, bro. There's a little gay guy that's been doing it for a year in San Diego. He fucking bombed his ass off up here earlier. For a second, Mike, you're absolutely crushed, buddy.

42:30Brian Redban:And for that, you will Red Band? I did write a Kill Tony song. I don't know if you want to hear it. It's a rap song. I don't believe in letting accountants do rap songs. Red Band? You said you painted wood for your girlfriend, like black dildo. Isn't there a lot of black wood in Malibu right now? That's what happens when Red Band talks, everybody. Wow. Look at that. I can't quite hear you. What's that noise you're making for Red Band? There you go. You deserve it. Buddy, even though it's your second time and you started strong and it flailed out at the end because it's such a good second time, you're getting a big joke.

43:11Brian Redban:Thank you. The second time ever on a stage in front of 15 ,000 people. That can only happen on Kill Tony, by the way. Hello, hello, hello. You know, taking control of mental health can feel overwhelming. But Talkspace makes prioritizing well-being simple and accessible. As the number one rated online therapy platform, Talkspace connects you with licensed therapists and psychiatrists anytime, anywhere. Red band? Just like physical fitness requires regular exercise, mental health demands ongoing care. I know how easy it is to put self-care on the back burner, but taking this step makes a massive difference.

43:51Better mental health directly supports physical vitality, builds self-awareness, and improves daily stress management.

43:59Brian Redban:Yes, it sure does, Red Band. It's a lot like physical fitness, you know what I mean? Talkspace therapists provide practical tools to manage life's challenges, build confidence, and master the communication skills needed for stronger, more meaningful relationships. I love how it fits seamlessly into everyone's busy schedule. Removing traditional barriers by making expert care convenient, flexible, and affordable in these wild times that we're living in, with most insured members paying as little as a$0 copay. So start building a stronger, healthier mind today by visiting Talkspace.com. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off of your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com and enter promo code SPACE80.

44:41Brian Redban:That's S-P-A-C-E-80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com and enter promo code SPACE80. But you know what? We could go to the next bucket pool, but I got a little itch. I'm in the mood to go back to the Legends bucket again. I don't know why this early in the show. I probably shouldn't. It's probably a mistake on my part, but... Oh, all right. So somebody's pranking me, obviously. This can't be real. What a joke. Very funny, guys. This is hilarious. But I'll say the name anyway, because it's in the bucket. Make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

45:36guitar solo

45:57for the best fucking night of their lives!

46:02Oh my god.

46:14What's up,.

46:30One more time for the best goddamn band in the land.

46:40You know, Kill Tony just signed a huge deal with Fox. Yeah, the show is in great hands until 2028 when we lose all our regulars to the Special Olympics.

46:56Hey, what's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

47:12You guys want to hear some jokes on my favorite KT regulars?

47:21dedrick flynn moved from the atl to the atx but he's most comfortable when he's robbing white women at an atm black

47:34you know dedrick is one of my best regulars we gave him a regular spot after his first minute And then I realized it was his only good minute. He's like Scam Patterson.

47:52Black. Dedrick is from Atlanta, which is why he looks like Andre$3 ,000 in overdraft fees.

48:05Dedrick is from Georgia, like Ray Charles. You know what else he has in common with Ray Charles? neither of them have seen Dedrick's father.

48:16I'm kidding, Dedrick's father is dead. He was going to get him cremated, but the funeral home said he was already ashy enough. All right. That was... ChatGBT wrote that. Black. Dedrick's been inside more fat white women than Ozempic. Dedrick is from Atlanta. He was conceived when his mom let 10 guys run a midnight train in Georgia. Timmy No Breaks, keep it going for Timmy motherfucking No Breaks. I love Timmy.

48:51AKA Andrew Dice Gay. Timmy is the first guy to become a Kill Tony regular by pretending to be retarded. Timmy has the enthusiasm of a child and the mustache of the guy who fucked that child. Timmy wears aviator sunglasses just like Joe Biden because they're both brain-dead morons that everyone likes to laugh at. Unlike me and Donald Trump, who are both cool, strong alpha males that definitely like to have sex with women.

49:20Oh. My. God.

49:27Newsflash, Timmy. If I wanted to see a bad comedian succeed with a stupid, fake character, I'd call Adam Ray.

49:35Timmy looks like he has Freddie Mercury poisoning. Brian Redband is here. Keep it going for Brian. Motherfucking Redband. The peanut butter to my jelly. Brian, if you're here, who's down at the body shop asking the strippers if they want to do a set on the secret show? Redband is like the Harvey Weinstein of the open mic scene, except instead of a potted plant, he jerks off into a pot pie. Fat. Red Band loves AI. It looks like he was generated by Chad PIG. Red Band has produced podcasts for me and Joe Rogan. It's a shame his body isn't as good at producing insulin. Red Band's vibe can best be described as the one guy who comments on Pornhub videos.

50:21Ari Maddy looks like every guy Bruce Willis killed in the Die Hard movies. Ari used to do MMA and went 0-3. Do you know how bad you have to be at fighting to go 0-3 in Estonia? That's like being a black guy and losing a big dick contest in Hong Kong.

50:40Sorry, I forgot my next joke. I started talking about big dicks and got distracted.

51:06And now we get to the man of the hour, the greatest roaster of all time, me!

51:13What can you say about me that hasn't also been said about Jesus? Mainly that he's a little twink who will get voluntarily nailed by 12 guys. We're really doing it. Fifteen years ago, I declared myself one of the top young rising comedians in the world. But no matter how much I rise, I'm still a bottom.

51:38Tony, if we're here, who's haunting an abandoned carnival? I look like a vampire who only bites people with AIDS. Look at this, two Tonys. Now I can finally live my dream of having sex with myself. Every time I fuck a guy I start off by saying, oh my god, we're really doing it Red Band. Thank you so much Los Angeles. Wow.

52:00Brian Redban:I mean, it simply doesn't get any better than that. My favorite comedian of all time. One more time for me. I'll tell you what me why don't you join the panel because there's no one I'd rather have than me up here

52:30Brian Redban:Oh My god

52:37Brian Redban:Wow we're really doing it

52:44Brian Redban:It's so good to have me up here tonight. Keep it going for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Whoa. The lovely Heidi. Perfect. My cigarettes. I'm so good at smoking these. Thanks, Heidi. Oh, it's not Heidi. Part of being me is having a man put things, attach things to your body. Perfect. How about one more time for me, everyone?

53:13Brian Redban:Well, I'm glad I'm here to enjoy the show with me. Let's get to our next bucket pool, shall we? Bucket pool number four. I'm so excited you're here. How about one more time for Tony Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. God bless the United States of America. And God bless Kill Tony. That's true. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're all together. The panel is complete. And now we all see for the first time the comedy stylings of Poncho Moeller everybody here we go

53:58Every time I grab this microphone I feel like I'm giving LeBron James a handjob Any married couples in there out here? Nice. Nice, me too. Yeah, I'm happily married 10 years now to a tall woman so you can clap for her. Because she definitely did it to disappoint her father. He was expecting Prince Charming and he got me. Or as my mother-in-law says, the handsome one of the bunch. And she's totally right because the other six are hideous. But my wife is smart, funny, beautiful, fantastic tits. They're my best friends. And there's questions that come when you're married to a taller woman. Like, Pancho, dude, are you cool with her wearing heels?

54:45Absolutely. Why? Well, because it makes her even taller. I'm like, dude, my wife is taller than me when she's on her knees. All the heels do is just make it easier for me to eat her box standing. And I'm really good at it. Most of you guys call it going down on a chick. I just call it motorboating.

55:11Brian Redban:All right, I got to cut you off there, Poncho. Thank you. That's all we got. Perfect. Welcome, Poncho. Thank you. You are absolutely adorable. Thank you, and so are you, Tony. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. How long you been doing... Which Tony? Both, man. How long you been doing stand-up? Five and a half years. Wow. What about in your people's years? That's ten and a half years.

55:37Brian Redban:What do you do for work, Poncho? I'm a stay-at-home dad. I have 12 animals, and I just get an allowance from my wife because I got it like that. What does your wife do for work? She works in pharmaceuticals. Wow, okay. All right. And what, do you have 12 different animals? Yeah, I have six dogs and six cats. Wow. Wow. My goodness. Wait a minute. You're a stay-at-home dad? Yeah. You're not very good at it. I see you. Fuck. I got nothing to say to that. That's right. Is your wife a normal-sized human? Yes, she is. She's 5 foot 8 inches tall. Wow. Holy shit. That's a huge bitch. Yeah. Where did you guys meet?

56:23We met on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. She was company management and I was one of the workshop elves. Oh. My. God. I just lured her in with snickerdoodles, like, come on, come on.

56:38Brian Redban:I got what you need, baby. Were you in the elf costume when you actually met her? Um, yes. Wow. She's definitely got a fetish. My God. If you hold your breath, will you turn into Winnie the Pooh? Don't hold your breath, Poncho. He's so cute. I just want to throw him on my back and break into Legoland or something. Let's do it, dude. I can choke you out from up there. I'm not into that, but maybe this freak. I'll leave you my cell number on Facebook. Nice. What made you want to get into comedy? Um, honestly, like, I'm a full-time actor, and it just gets to the point where it's just... You do these auditions and they just, you're not in control of them and you don't hear anything back and comedy is something where you kind of get an instant gratification from people's laughter.

57:30You know? And you have more control of it, you know? And it's fun and I like teaching through, like, humor. Like, you know?

57:38Brian Redban:Have you been in anything that we'd recognize you from? I've been in lots of two-rod zombie movies, Candy Corn, a lot of horror movies. Short films. No, Red Band, those aren't short films. Red Band. Those are full-length films, Red Band. Do you ever jump up and down on your bed until you can grab the ceiling fan and just twirl around like a demented helicopter? I wish I could. I can't. You will. Yeah. What are some of the advantages to being a little person that maybe us normies don't know about? Um, well, I mean, let's see. How long does it take you to get Frosted Flakes off the shelf? Well, I have, my shelves are at the bottom.

58:22I have everything on the bottom shelves. I love it. Everything up there is empty. There's a shelf on your bottom.

58:31Thank you.

58:32Brian Redban:And you're, you don't have any actual kids, right? No, no. Have you tried? Is that something you guys are interested in? I tried with one of my girlfriends and we had to have an abortion. It sucked. Oh my god. Do you get a discount if the abortion's a half-size abortion? Definitely. Okay. All right. And the dogs and the cats, do they ever, they act up? What goes on over there with your little zoo that you're running? It's crazy, dude. We got to put them outside when we have sex. Why? Because one of the dogs has its tongue in my ass one time when I was fucking my wife. And it felt really good. So I was like...

59:13Doesn't it? Yes, it does. Yes, it does. That's what they call doggy style. In my world, yes, yes. You ever throw a frisbee in the air, catch it in your teeth, and then jump under a bulldozer?

59:28Brian Redban:Good question, Harland.

59:33Brian Redban:Poncho, before I let you go, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life? Well, I was a professional skateboarder for a long time. I was actually the first little person professional skateboarder in the entire world. Wow. Low center of gravity. It's not a big deal though because there was only two of us, so it's like... Right. Amazing. Well... And I got jerked off in back of a taxi with the with with Wee Man. Wee Man was with you? We love Wee Man. Wee Man's the man. Wait, can you do that again real quick? Got it. It looks like a baby chicken trying to fly.

1:00:13I love you, Harley. Can you do that and run at the same time? No, I can't. I'll make the chicken noise if you do. Come on. I'll just do the...

1:00:26Absolutely incredible. I'm a rooster. Rooster? Okay. Act like a cock.

1:00:36Brian Redban:This show's out of control. Poncho, even though it's funny to give you a small joke book and a medium joke book and say that it's a big joke book, I'm just going to give you a big joke book, buddy. There you go. Poncho. Thank you so much. Molar, everybody. Great job. Wow. Let's just keep this fun train moving along. I'd imagine it's going to take him a while to get off the stage. He doesn't have the largest gate, if you know what I mean. There he goes. One more time for Poncho, everybody. Adorable. That's a full-grown midget right there, ladies and gentlemen. Only on Kill Tony can you see things quite like this.

1:01:15Brian Redban:Never seen an Ewok live before.

1:01:21Nub guv yub nub. Is that how they talk? Yub nub guv nub? The Ewoks? Yeah. What does it mean? Yub guv nub wub? Anyone know? We should have asked him when he was still up here. Yeah.

1:01:37Brian Redban:All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Oh, can't a guy be curious anymore? God. Oh, we're very curious, aren't we, me? I'm curious. I love that you're doing an impression of yourself. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner that is one of the youngest ever golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Some people call him the first ever Kill Tony musical prodigy. This is his first ever appearance in LA. Make some noise for Tony Scar everybody

1:02:20Folks this is my fucking dream. This is fantastic. This is amazing

1:02:27It's my dream to struggle to pull the fucking mic stand up at an arena dude it really is Jesus fucking Christ So I wrote a song about the American dream. You guys want to hear it?

1:02:42The American dream is supposed to be to get a wife and kids and then divorce. Cause every real man knows The sign of a great woman is That she's under 24 How about that last bucket pull Wasn't that shit great? Oompa Loompa, Charlie Chips, Chocolate Factory Bombing

1:03:24As a kid I dreamed that I could be an astronaut. If Katy Perry can do it, why can't I? So I trained just like she did. I kissed a girl and I liked it. Then to get to space I blew a hundred guys. My upstairs neighbor's dream is to be the best tap dancer in the world. And my dream is that his little boy grows up to become a little girl There's a six-year-old dwarf out there whose dream is to grow up Good luck There's vegans that spend every day trying to save the earth Who gives a fuck?

1:04:22You wanna lie? Get a fat lie? Dream bigger? Hire your favorite black guy to sing nigger

1:04:41I don't got all day. Bro a five? Come on I've done that bit a lot around the country. I owe a lot of black guys money. I did that bit in South Detroit and they punched me in the tummy. Two Tony Hinchcliffe, Harland Williams by the side. So Tony can sit in the cup chair as he gets coconut pie. The American dream can be anything so set aside the time If I wouldn't have bombed that first fucking line I swear that this would be mine Thank you, I've been Tony Scar Little Ralph, we got there, we got there folks

1:05:30Brian Redban:Tony Scar, ladies and gentlemen Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Scar I thought it was great, Tony. You're something else, man There's just simple things that you know you no one knows that you're messing up until you say that you're messing up No one knew you were having a problem with the mic stand until you said it. You know what I mean? You're you just gotta fucking stay in that pocket. These people absolutely love you. You're a young guy. Thank you We're watching you grow up in real time. Blossoming. I love you He loves that life. I love Louisiana Oh, shit. Dude, LA's been fucking awesome. Yeah.

1:06:10This place rocks. I went to the comedy store. I bought, like, four jokes. It was fucking great, dude. I went to Venice Beach. That was fun, dude. This place fucking rocks. Yeah, we love it. Yeah. Did you see the sea turtle?

1:06:28Can I ask, Mike? What is your process for finding the black guy in every city to do that? Do you just walk up? I find the worst neighborhood, and I hold out my wallet, and then you just wait. You know what I mean? It's like leaving bait. It's easy. I pay him well. Yeah. Okay.

1:06:51How's your love life like, Tony? My love life is going all right. It's going okay. It's not. It's fucking horrible. That's okay. It's all good. You gotta sacrifice some things to chase your dreams and that's one of them where you can't hold down a relationship and be touring

1:07:08Brian Redban:Have you kissed a girl since being in Los Angeles, California? On the lip. I have not. Is there a girl out there that wants to come give somebody some kiss real quick? That one right there? Come on up, sweetheart. Right here. Bring her up. Hurry up. Make it faster than that. Come on. Come on. She's sitting next to Animal from the Muppet. Go that way. Normally, I don't think we've ever actually done this in an arena before, but for 13 years, we've had a segment where if someone hasn't had their first kiss in that city, this is Tony, this is your first time in LA, right? Yeah, yeah, and I'm so glad you picked a woman.

1:07:50Brian Redban:Look at this. Wow. Go ahead. Move your guitar. Make it a good one. French, French, French. He is the He is the He is the He is the He is the is Kayla Johnny! Fuck yeah, thank you. Hey! Take a big joke, Buck, with you. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to. I'm gonna throw one at her. Get her to sign a release. She looks like the type that would sue. Was that Tia Tequila? Tia Tequila, that's a good topical reference. You got it. Tia Tequila is very topical right now. She died? Let's get a replay of that. That might be one of the greatest kisses in the history of Kill Tony. Wow. Oh. My. God. Absolutely incredible.

1:08:48Brian Redban:Tony, look at you. My husband's going to be pissed, dude. He's funny. Oh, my God. Is that your girlfriend sir with the pink hair? No, okay, fuck yeah Absolutely unbelievable How about one more time for the girl that did that where'd she go? That's great. I? Love her. I'm in love. There you go Wasn't she the lead in two girls one cut? Hey, I could taste it on her. Yeah. Yeah Big hair give this to her. Hey up here. Hey, you dumb slut. Hey All right, pass it forward, Doerr. Sorry, I'm a little bit stronger than usual. Rogan injected me with big peptides this morning. Joe's got the best peptides ever.

1:09:33Brian Redban:He's my best friend in the world. I love me some Joe Rogan. I love Joe Rogan. One more time for Tony Scar, ladies. I got a couple of things if you don't mind, Tony. All right, Tony, go ahead. I got a podcast out right now called the Too Soon Podcast where I don't fuck up the lines. That's out right now. I'm on tour right now golden ticket tour and if you want to vote on my next song you can vote on my Instagram Scar comedy. I want to hear what you guys want to hear. There you go. Tony scar ladies and gentlemen There we go We're gonna keep it moving right along normally I would go back to the bucket, but I'm feeling it she again I want another golden ticket winner.

1:10:09Brian Redban:I want to bring this fucking place down down Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. You know her, you love her, she is here in the flesh, alive and stronger than ever. Make some noise for the great Fiona Colley!

1:10:45Oh

1:11:23Oh, wow.

1:11:30Hell yeah.

1:11:34I recently was asked to headline a disability comic-con. A little redundant. I assumed it would just be like a room full of wheelchair people, you know? I showed up and I was the only wheelchair person there. It was literally a room full of 400 furries. Yeah, so the disability they were talking about, it was autism, right?

1:12:27Dude, I go up there, I'm doing my material, and I am bombing my fucking dick off, okay? Like, it's so quiet in this room that you could hear a tail drop. Okay. So, I'm, like, scrambling, and I start doing crowd work. Okay, but I will tell y 'all, it is impossible to do crowd work to a room of people that will not make eye contact with you.

1:13:05I'm bombing so bad that I opened this up to a fucking Q &A, all right? And I shit you not, a fucking cat in the front row raised her paw, and she goes, yeah, why haven't you killed yourself yet?

1:13:32Oh, right

1:13:36Like bitch We don't all have nine lives Thank you so much.

1:13:45Brian Redban:The great Fiona Cauley. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Oh my God. Seeing a second Tony is so scary. It's like, I feel like a baby saying it's dead without its beard for the first time. I don't like it. You got it. You got it. Fiona, how's it going? Really good. I did just get to do one of the craziest things. I'm from Nashville, and there's this place. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yep. It is true. There's a place in Whitehouse, Tennessee, called Zooland or something. Zootopia. Okay. A fucking monkey stole my wheelchair? No. Yeah, and monkeys have, like, really big clits. Did y 'all know that? Yep. Sure. Of course. I have the internet.

1:14:56They also have bubble gum on their ass. Yeah, I'm scared of monkeys, and I didn't know that.

1:15:05Brian Redban:What did the monkey do with your wheelchair exactly? Well, it was like biting the nipple. Oh, shit. Yeah, and it kept driving it around and I was scared to touch it because monkeys are really creepy. Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There was one that came up here earlier during Tony's set and said the N-word. It was crazy, dude. Anything. Thank you.

1:15:32Brian Redban:Is that a groan I heard, Los Angeles? Oh, okay. Just making sure.

1:15:41Fiona, that looks like a new chair. Is it a new chair? It is a new chair. Oh, yeah. It's still super handy. Thank you.

1:15:51Brian Redban:Fiona, you are just unbelievable. Everybody loves you. They got up on their feet when you came out. This you're a huge part of the kill Tony world and love you. Everyone loves you. Can I just say yeah Gabriel You know on top of being very funny and creative with your comedy. You're incredibly likable. You're very just There's something about you. They just automatically we just we love you Continued success to you every time I see you do this show you kill it keep killing it And put a lock on your chair for those monkeys We love you ladies and gentlemen the great Fiona Colley everybody

1:16:33Brian Redban:Red band that band Jesus red band, but one more time for the lovely Heidi and Fiona Colley everybody Back to the bucket we go. Bucket pull. Number whatever. It is Louis Ooze, everybody. Here comes Louis Ooze, or Oz.

1:16:59Wow, this is crazy. Man, I love doing stand-up because after a show, people say really nice things to you other times they say things that keep you up at night like one night after a show lady came up to me she's like you're really funny she's like you remind me of a lesbian george lopez damn i don't like how hard you guys laughed at that no i'm uh i'm from minneapolis but like most mexicans i was born in california at least that is what i've been telling a lot of white people lately No, but I grew up in a town so small in Minnesota, like I didn't always live in Minneapolis. Like the question I got the most growing up is what kind of Mexican are you?

1:17:48That is a hard question to answer when you are six years old. Because I didn't know if I wanted to be the drywall kind or the roofing kind.

1:18:01Once I got older, I realized I wanted to become the landscaping kind. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Luis Ooze, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Luis Ooze.

1:18:18Brian Redban:Luis, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for three years. Where at? Minneapolis. Okay. Wow. What brought you here today? I opened for the Moots. Oh, Lil' Momo. Hell yeah. Yeah. How did you meet him? I opened for him in St. Paul after the show. He's like, I don't really listen to people that go up before me, but he's like, you were funny. You were cracking me up, and you got good reactions from the crowd. I love it. I want to bring you on the road. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. What's Minneapolis like nowadays? We only see it on the news when it's dragging our country down.

1:18:57You know, there is one benefit to having these nice visitors in Minneapolis, And I was cleaning up with white women on the dating apps. It's been pretty good. What's your favorite type of woman, Ooze? Blue hair. The real liberal kind. Okay. A smurf, as we call them. If they're short enough. I don't want to give them labels. I will. All right. Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

1:19:29Brian Redban:So, how do you make a living? I'm actually a metrologist for a pharmaceutical company. What exactly is that? Metrology is the science of measurements. Wow. It is the most boring science out there. Amazing. Yes. How did you get into that? Well, I went from dealing drugs to making them. That's the pipeline. Amazing. Amazing. That's the dream. It is the dream. You have a girlfriend? What's your love life like? It's terrible. I do this. Yeah. You don't ever get, like, lucky on the road or anything? I don't really try, but I mean, I'll take some suitors tonight. No, no, we already did that. We don't do it twice an episode.

1:20:08No first kiss in L.A.?

1:20:09Brian Redban:No, no, but I will show you what you missed. This could have been you. Do you still have the replay loaded up, guys? Can we get that make-out one more time that Tony Scar got to have? Just to let you know, this would have been you. Could have been you. If you were luckier. Yeah, that would have been you. Look at that. I know. It's like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan and you've got mail. I know. Right now, you're jealous of him and I'm jealous of her. I could never be a white guy that plays guitar. I got to ask, Tony. Go right ahead, the great Harlan Williams, 2025 guest of the year. Dumb and Dumber, so many great movies.

1:20:49Brian Redban:The new hit movie, Wingman. Wingman. Oh, yes, my new movie, Wingman, out on May 26th. Please support it. Apple TV, all the streamers, May 26th in Australia here. Wait, man, thank you, everybody. Go ahead. What's your question for Louis? My thing is, why don't we bring Lady Lavender back up and give him a shot? He is a lesbian. You wouldn't do it again, would you? He's a lesbian. She won't do it again. No, she's a good fan, but she's not that good of a fan. Wow. She could have had a lesbian. She could have. Let's go. Come on up. Come on up and make out with George Lopez. A little bit faster. A little bit faster.

1:21:34Yeah, a little faster. How you feeling, bro? This is crazy. You should definitely take your shirt off, bro. It's about to get crazy. Take your shirt off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Take your pants off, too.

1:21:48Brian Redban:Take your pants off. Keep the shirt off while she's making out so she can play with your dirty areola's. Doesn't it look like a cariola? Keep it up. Keep it up. Someone punched a baby in the face. Come on. Can we get her up here a little bit faster? Come on. Cole, let's go. Come on. Jesus fucking Christ. This is one of the slowest sluts I've ever seen in my life. You mean slug. Let's go. Here she comes. Here we go. You're great. You're fantastic. Thank you. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? Motor voter. Motor voter.

1:22:21Brian Redban:Oh my God.

1:22:30Brian Redban:Wow. Take a sharpie. Take a sharpie. Oh, shit. She's going to sign it. Oh, my God. Katy Perry. Wow. Look at that. Wow. You can keep that. That's an official Kill Tony Sharpie. You earned it. Oh, my God. Now you go home, tell all your friends you just molested George Lopez. How about one more time for this girl, everybody? The best fans in the world are here in the Kill Tony universe. Make a wish, bro. You're welcome, my boy. That was my make a wish. I can get deported happily now. That was your make a bitch. How about that? This is the first time in Kill Tony history that two people contracted HPV.

1:23:15Somehow I ended up feeling like a whore after that. I don't know. That's crazy. It looked like it. Tell me again why your areola eyes are so small. They look like fish eyes. I don't know. I got them from my mom. Good Lord. Give them back. I can smell them from here. They're killing me. They're killing me. This is crazy. How did it feel? How did it taste? It tasted pretty good. Let's see a replay of it. No, we don't got to be on the tape back.

1:23:41Brian Redban:Wow. Oh, my God. I think I see some matching tattoos there. This looks like a... Shazam! Shazam! It looks like Red Band when he gets a beef and cheddar at Arby's. Oh, she's a trooper. Look at... Oh, he's the one that pulled back. Wait a second. Wait, let's go back to that replay. Let's see that replay one more time. There's a moment where he pulls back. Louis, much like at the UFC, I want to know what's going on in your mind. You ain't no lesbian. You ain't no lesbian. Keep the replay going there. Just go back and forth on him pulling back, please. Louis, I want to talk to Louis here. Louis, tell me, what is going on through your mind when you're pulling away from that slut's tongue?

1:24:29I was expecting a sensual kiss. I didn't know I was about to be tongued like that. Wow. The good shit. It is the good shit, but I wasn't expecting it. Oh, my God. First time on stage, I didn't think I would be making out with another lesbian. So this is, uh...

1:24:45Brian Redban:That is so Minneapolis of him. I didn't realize I was going to be taking advantage of up here tonight. You fucking... You little pussy fart. That's going to live in my nightmares. I'm going to have... It's also going to live on the internet forever, so... We're live on Tubi, bitch. Louis Ooze, here you go, my friend. There's a big joke book. Joke cat. You did it. Bye, Ooze. Wow. There goes Lewis. Go ahead. There he goes. Lewis. Oh, Jesus. All right. Wow. Wow. Tony, Tony, you guys are making dreams come true today. It is amazing, right? He looked uncomfortable, but I think, you know, he's going to be high-fiving somebody backstage.

1:25:25Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. He just had the time of his life. You can't have fun like that in Minneapolis, Minnesota nowadays. Have you ever seen areolas like that before, bud? I try not to focus on stuff like that. They were very tiny. They were very purple. It almost looked like little grape Jolly Ranchers or something like that. It looked like a raccoon peering out of a dumpster.

1:25:49Brian Redban:You guys think we should go to the Legends bucket again? Yes. Yes. It's time. Oh my god, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Legend, frontrunner, 2026 guest of the year along with the many other greats. you know him he has one of the best specials ever on YouTube ladies and gentlemen make some noise for one of our favorites right now in the Kill Tony universe and one of my personal best friends this is a return of one of the best comedians in the world Joe DeRosa everybody

1:26:33Joe DeRosa Los Angeles, how are we?

1:26:40Good to see you guys. I actually went through a breakup recently. I've been self-medicating with strip clubs. Strippers are getting fucking lazy, man. They're getting fucking lazy. I had a stripper come up to me the other night. I go, hey, how you doing? She goes, ugh, I'm tired. I'm sorry miss, did you just talk to me like a regular woman? In the middle of my fantasy place? I didn't know this was a fantasy nag. Could have went to my mother's house for this. It would have been a lot cheaper. I'm going to be honest, I haven't just been self-medicating with strip clubs. Been hitting a few massage parlors too.

1:27:36There's only one reason as a man you go to a massage parlor. Hand job. Hand job. The happy ending. And for anybody in the audience feeling a little uncomfortable that I'm addressing this subject matter, I know what you're thinking. Oh my God, what about human trafficking? That's half the thrill, God damn it! You're laying in there with your nuts out going. and ice could kick this fucking door open at any minute right now. This place is what?

1:28:10But here's the funny thing about massage parlors. No matter which one I've ever been to, and it hasn't been a ton in my life, eight or nine dozen, but no matter what city I'm in, they all have the same menu. It's like McDonald's. 30-minute massage or 60-minute massage. both end with a hand job so you might be wondering why in God's name would you wait twice as long and pay even more money to get to the same happy ending it's a great question and I have an answer 60-minute massage is actually better it's better it's more involved they work the tissue a little deeper They work the extremities a little longer.

1:28:59You get a full foot and hand rub. Sometimes they walk on your back. It's better.

1:29:12They also finger your asshole. Now, to me, that's the biggest perk of the 60-minute. I think that beats the foot rub is the fingering of the asshole. I was in one one time like this on all fours, like a dirty little doggy wagging my tail. The lady tapped my asshole and she held her finger up and she said, sir, inside or out? That's not what she said. She said, oh, sir, inside or out?

1:29:54I don't know why they call it a happy ending. Nobody's happy at the end. Especially her. She's like, this isn't what they said Delaware would be like. This country stinks. And I'm not happy either because it's expensive. I can't even enjoy the orgasm. Because all I can think about is what I could have spent that money on. whole orgasm. I'm like, oh, there goes the Nintendo Switch! I gotta go, everybody. Thank you for my... Thank you for listening.

1:30:24Brian Redban:Make some noise for the great Joe DeRosa. Joe, we fucking love you. Thanks so much for doing this and being a Kill Tony fucking icon. So many episodes we've recorded this year. You're one of my best friends. I love you, buddy. We fucking love you. I love all of you, yeah. This is great. Thank you for having Harlan, you ever been to one of those massage parlors? Uh, yes, and I was so pissed off because the girl, the masseuse, when she laid down and ordered me to give her a massage, I was pissed.

1:31:01Did you give her a happy ending? He's laughing. Won't you please join him? Did you give her a happy ending? No, what I did is I've been taking, um, these pills where I don't know how it happened, but I can actually lay an ostrich egg. So I sat on her face and laid an ostrich egg right on her stupid, fat, puffy, veiny, smelly, zit-covered, diarrhea-coated face. Well, he's asking. If he didn't ask, you wouldn't have to hear all this. Would you, you cauliflower soup-sucking freaks? You're very venomous tonight. I've never heard you be this mean. You bring it out to me, my guy. I know. I'm gonna have sex with you later.

1:31:46Oh, yeah.

1:31:47Brian Redban:You could try, but I'm made of cork. Me and me can't wait to watch that go down. That'll be it. Joe DeRosa, we fucking love you. I love you guys. Thank you for having me, boys. You are the man. Thank you, guys. Another great sex by legend Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa. That thing with the bow tie. What the fuck are you? Did you sign up? Do you have a minute? Yeah, you do? I gotta see what you're gonna do. Go over there to these people. I have to see what the fuck you are exactly. Colt You got this? Look at this fucking thing. You got a camera on this? This is coming up. We're one bucket pool away from this.

1:32:33Brian Redban:It's Pee Wee Sherman It's got a little attitude. Colt, get its name, write it down, send it to me. In the meanwhile, we're going to go to this bucket pool. It is Wesley Brenner, everybody. Wesley Brenner is right now.

1:32:54Hey, how's it going, guys? My name is Wes. People have told me I look like a genie if you were to rub an old dirty bong instead of a lamp. I would come out, you know, but I just asked to borrow$30. Like, instead of granting three wishes, I just take three things away. I just drove up from San Diego. San Diego's pretty cool. We have a... Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. A lot of reactions to San Diego. We've got SeaWorld in San Diego, you know, or as the whales call it, Auschwitz Atlantis. So that's fun. I've been looking into it, though, and I looked at it. Back in the day, guys, in, like, medieval times, they had pocket pussies.

1:33:41I was looking this up. They had pocket pussies. I mean, they called them midgets back then, but they did. They had them, you know. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I actually told that joke the other day, and somebody told me that, like, midget is an offensive word. I didn't know that. I guess they don't like to be called midgets, and now you're supposed to call them little f**ks. All right, that's my time, guys. Give it up for your host.

1:34:02Brian Redban:Hell, yeah. An aggressive set, Wesley Brenner. That's too tall. Wesley, just hold the mic in your hand, pal. Sure. Wesley, welcome, welcome. What are you? What ethnicity are you exactly? A quarter black, quarter Mexican, and half white. And part Hamburglar. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right here. Wesley, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three and a half years. Nice. What vape store do you work at? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vapes are us. Really? What do you do for work? I play music. Yeah, I sing and play the guitar and stuff. Really? You sing? You have like original stuff?

1:34:43I have original music.

1:34:44Brian Redban:Is it reggae? It touches on that, you know, sometimes. Can you give us just an example, like one line of a song? Uh, let's see. You're in the Intuit Dome right now. You can just jump right into it. Or just a... Yes. Uh, okay. Or else you'll set off the YouTube censors. Ooh, you are my light. You are my sunrise. Say you, you make me shine. Make everything feel alright. Wow, that's pretty good. Amazing, Wesley. Thank you. We should have sang his set. Yeah. Yeah. Wesley, how long you been doing music for? 21 years. You seem very talented. What made you want to start stand-up three years plus? Music didn't work out, you know?

1:35:35Brian Redban:Why? How? I'm still here. You know, I'm just in obscurity. You drove up from San Diego just for this? With a couple buddies, yeah. Nice. You look like Whoopi Goldberg, fuck Fozzie Bear. Eh, eh, eh. That's a compliment. I like it. It is true. What's your favorite thing to do when you're not doing stand-up? Ketamine. Wow. That's amazing. Hell yeah. Maybe that's why you look like Bob Marley's foot at the end of his life. That's where his infection was, a little fun fact for those of you that don't know. Amazing. Wesley, you say you make money doing music, though? I mean, barely, you know, but we're paying the bills.

1:36:21Brian Redban:Just doing music and comedy? Yeah, right now, yeah. Amazing. How hard is that? What's your living situation like? I'm in a house, but I'm about to move into a car and head to New York, so I'm just going to get smaller. What makes you want to move to New York? Comedy? More the transportation. I love the subways and trains, so I don't want to drive everywhere. You're going to live in your car and take the train and subway places? Yeah, yeah. That's a very interesting method that you figured out. Yeah, the car's going to be standalone. I hope it's a fast car because you look like Tracy Chapman's brother with AIDS.

1:36:56Can I ask him something like as a singer? I mean, normally I ask comedy questions. Yeah, go ahead. Go right ahead. Bro, as a singer, and I'm just curious, can I hear your highest note that you can hit? I'm really bad at like a falsetto, but yeah, it's going to be really embarrassing. My voice is going to crack. Do it. I don't even know. How about low?

1:37:23Wait, wait, keep doing it, keep doing it.

1:37:30And now you're a train, my little friend. Thank you.

1:37:37Brian Redban:I love it. I love it. I love it. Wesley, give us one more other crazy fun fact about your life. I was the one who gave Doug Stanhope ketamine and skank fest. Oh, wow. I actually watched him snort that and it was in the bathroom with you. He he was in the urinal Yeah, stepped away from the urinal. He said Tony. I just opened for you and then I gave him ketamine Yeah, I I watched him he snorted it not in the back I mean he may have snorted some in the bathroom. I wasn't paying attention However, believe it or not I don't look at other people when they're in the urinal But I can tell you that he definitely did do a giant bump off the top of his hand on the other side of the curtain after the guy said his name.

1:38:19Brian Redban:So they're like, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope. He's like, watch this. And then he went out. He's a fucking real rock star. I can't fathom anything like it. We love Doug Stanhope. So you're doing the Lord's work, giving him his ketamine. Let's check in with the great, fluffy Gabriel Iglesias. The question I think we're all wondering is the person that you rolled up was from San Diego. Was it the other comic that was up here earlier? No, but my other friend is in the bucket. They got both so hopefully they're gonna be out here All right, Wesley coming here's a here's a big joke, but congratulations.

1:38:53Brian Redban:There you go Staying with sleep, Brad Don't do drugs Guys your next comedian is not out of the legends bucket nor is she a regular nor is she a golden ticket winner? however, she has somehow, and I mean by good reason, she's one of the funniest comedians in all of Austin and Los Angeles, California, and has the most viral joke perhaps ever in the history of the show. She's here. She's back again. You know her. Make some fucking noise for the great Christina Mariani, everybody.

1:39:54Thank you. Yeah, thanks. Thanks. A lot of people don't know this about me, but I'm Italian. I'm from Italy. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. I feel like Italians were a pretty likable group of people. Yeah. Which, it's weird how much more likable Italians are than Germans.

1:40:22Right? Because we both kind of did a pretty bad thing. But Italians were more likable, even though we were both. And I think it's because we have pizza. I think Italians we have pizza and Germans

1:40:46That's not how they use their ovens

1:40:59Mamma Mia, that's a spicy Jew

1:41:08I think I tend to date other foreign people. I get along with people from other countries more. We just have a vibe. My ex-boyfriend was Indian. So, yeah, I really like that he was Indian. We got along in a lot of ways. I think the only thing I didn't like was how hairy he was. But it's okay. I'm Italian. We're hairy, too. But he was a lot hairier than me. But I never said anything. I loved him. You know, it's fine. But you know how Instagram can kind of hear your thoughts?

1:41:46So I saw a video on Instagram, and it was of this girl putting nair in someone's body wash. I know it's pretty fucked up, but I tried it. But it's okay. It didn't work. because turns out you got to use it.

1:42:17And he cheated on me, so he really was a stinker. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

1:42:24Brian Redban:The great Christina Mariani. Christina, fantastic set. How do you feel? Good? Yeah, thank you. Fuck yeah. You really have an Indian ex-boyfriend? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, no, I don't, is it? Yeah. I can't really picture that. Oh, well. Did he smell? I think I'm just petty. I think that was more what that was. He was fine. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah, thank you. Gabriel, is this your first time seeing Christina? I want to say that I saw your set online. Oh, cool. Did you wear a ball cap before? Yeah, I wear a hat a lot of the time. Thank you. Very, very funny. Thank you so much. It means a lot. The extremely famous joke of crossing the street.

1:43:14Oh, yeah, the wallet. Thank you. Thank you so much. I got a lot of, I've been on tour and stuff that really helped being on Kill Tony, so thank you for the opportunity. That was awesome.

1:43:26Brian Redban:She is a rising star. Rising superstar. Make some noise one more time for the great Christina Mariani, ladies and gentlemen. Making her Intuit Dome debut. I have a feeling, knowing her and her trajectory, that she'll be back here real soon. All right, the show's so wild that if I see somebody that looks interesting in the crowd, I get to do whatever the fuck I want. And this person looked very interesting. So I'm going to bring them on stage. They said they had a minute prepared. Let's see how it goes. Make some noise for Mario Bosco, everybody.

1:44:08LA, how the fuck are we? I gotta tell you, I took an Uber here, the guy shows up, rolls down his window, and he starts yelling, he can't take me. And I was like, why not? He said he forgot the car seat. It's crazy, right? But I do have some exciting news for you all. I got a call today from ABC TV and they want me to be your next Bachelor. Yes, they told me to tell you all to tune in this season on Nickelodeon. Come on guys, wake up. Imagine me, your next bachelor, a half-stacked man with the kind of voice a tranny would kill for. Speaking of voices, everywhere I go, they call me ma 'am, ma 'am, ma 'am.

1:45:05I was in Disneyland. The guy goes, hey, ma 'am, you forgot your purse. I said, yeah, fuck you, keep it. Somebody asked me backstage why am I like this. It's because my mother got drunk in Disney World. and had sex with Mickey Mouse.

1:45:26You live.

1:45:28Brian Redban:Mario, you went over your time. I love it. Good set. Rock solid. Look at you. I don't even know where the fuck to begin. The most impressive thing for me was the fact that you got yourself on stage from the crowd. I was here today online for four hours like a Mama Luke. I thought you were going to show me scars. I'm like, it's not worth it. Don't do it. Had to wait on line today. Like a, like, you know. How do you feel after doing that set? How do you feel right now that you've done that set and you got yourself up here? Amazing! I love LA! That's awesome. Fuck yeah. You crushed it. Mario Bosco, you're Italian, huh?

1:46:07That's right, Brooklyn.

1:46:09Brian Redban:Wow, Brooklyn, New York. And look at you. What brought you out to LA this week? I do a lot of shows. I'm a comedian, 90s actor, I'm a actor, SAG actor 40, and I open up for a friend of mine, Little Momot Sadal. You also open up for Little Momo, and you're just sitting in the crowd by yourself? That's incredible. These two gentlemen gave me a ticket to get in here so I could try to sneak on. I love it. It actually fucking worked. That's funny. Little Momo's like, get him in the front row. Tony sees this fucking thing. He's probably going to drag it up there. Little Momo got two fucking openers up here tonight.

1:46:47Brian Redban:and he's not even doing a spot. That's so funny. Mario, you look like the trainer who had the monkey that tried to eat Fiona's wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like a photocopied him to yourself. Okay. Like a fucking Mama Luke. Okay, get it out. Mama Luke. What is a Mama Luke? I've heard that term. A Mama Luke is like a guy from the neighborhood that's just like, just a stupid cheap motherfucker, you know? He's a Mama Luke. Yep. Can't take them no place. Have you ever heard the term porcupine? Porcupine? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we have a couple. Well, surprise, you are one. Oh, thank you.

1:47:28It's my trademark. Have you met the pug? Had I met the pug? No. You two should get together later and do a children's book. Oh, lovely. Thank you.

1:47:38Brian Redban:Mario, I think it's overdue at this point. I got to ask, you have, like, what is it? like Benjamin Buttons or some shit? No, I was born with a disease called panhypopituitarism, where a doctor gave my mom cold medicine after her water broke and left me like this. And I'm gonna kill Tony! Fuck yeah. You're killing it. That is incredible. How old are you, can I ask? 53 years old. 53? Wow. I gotta tell you, you are the youngest-looking 53-year-old I've ever seen in my life. That is incredible. What do you do for work normally in real life? Just show business. Wow. Write jokes in a day, go to the city, do shows all over Manhattan, get on planes, come to L.A., baby, and rock it out.

1:48:30Brian Redban:Mario, I love your energy. Obsessed with you. How many bow ties do you have? About 250. What the fuck? About 150 jackets. Holy shit. I love it. You're the real deal, Mario. So cool. Thank you. It's amazing that you got yourself on stage from the audience. I don't think that's ever happened before. No. That is a very rare... You gotta do it. You gotta take chances in life, right? Right, Fluffy? And I gotta tell you, you dressed the part, you wore the nice jacket, the bow tie, the fucking everything, you got your ass up here. That is 40-plus years in show business. You tricked my ass. I thought I had it all figured out, but here I just got played like a fool.

1:49:13Brian Redban:and you made the best of the opportunity and you made the show a little bit that much more crazy and original. So thank you, Mario. Here's a big joke book. Boo. Thank you. I love you guys. Make some noise for Mario Bosco, everybody. I want to buy cotton candy from her. This place is about to go apeshit. You guys want to go apeshit? I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A man who has absolutely dominated 100 % of the time that he's ever been on this stage. He is, without a doubt, one of your favorite comedians in the world. I truly believe, I truly believe, listen to what I'm about to say, that this man is on a nonstop trajectory to be one of the biggest arena acts in the history of comedy.

1:50:03Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a man who one day will be a citizen. of the United States of America. But for right now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Laurie Matty!

1:50:45Hello.

1:50:51Everybody's drinking tonight, huh?

1:50:56Thank God. I hate sober people. Listen, if you're sober, just don't come out. I don't want to see your ass at my party. Just walking around, remembering what happened.

1:51:21Just making memories.

1:51:27I need everyone to be fucked up at my party. Nobody remembers shit! Who's raping who?

1:51:44That's what happened to P. Diddy. Beautiful Hollywood party, banging bitches, baby oil. And then somebody was sober.

1:51:58And an empire fell.

1:52:04All of my friends are alcoholics. I trust them. I need to see behind the facade for me to trust you. I don't care who you are at 10 a.m. I need to know who you are. 22 shots deep, 3 a.m.

1:52:26That's when men start saying shit like, you know, Hitler.

1:52:33Now I know you're cool.

1:52:38All of my friends are alcoholics. They have the best stories. If you're sober, what do you talk about? Perfection doesn't resonate. Mistakes do. What do you talk about? Oh, I had a full REM cycle on my whoop. On my whoop. My friend Joe DeRosa, Absolute animal, retarded alcoholic. The best stories. He went to New Orleans for a comedy festival and got blown by a tranny in the bathroom. I bet that doesn't happen at the run club, does it? What do you guys talk about? Peptides? My friend is banging men.

1:53:31I love fucked up people. You know when you're at a party and you see just a sea of hammered people, everyone's moving and grooving. And then you see that one guy in the back, you know the guy, the sober guy with the water, you know this guy.

1:53:53Just hydrated and sharp. That's the rapist. Thank you guys so much. I love LA. Thank you guys so much.

1:54:05Brian Redban:He's done it again. The great Ari Mati.

1:54:13Brian Redban:Truly, all the time, showing who the fuck he is on this show. One of the hardest workers, one of the biggest writers, non-stop writing. Crashed into him, ran into him at the pool. We're staying at the same hotel. ran into him at the pool, writing, just constantly facing the notebook, constantly doing, outworking everybody every night when everyone else has one or two spots, he's doing five or six. There's no coincidences in this world. You hear about the fucking Kobe was practicing all the time. You hear Jordan Tiger was putting all fucking day. And then you're a perfect example in this comedy business of hard work pays off on top of being naturally funny.

1:54:57Thank you. I really appreciate you.

1:55:00Brian Redban:And it is true. We do drink a lot and have a lot of fun. I've become a degenerate alcoholic after moving to America. And I've gained... Hey, by the way, everyone in the comments, don't you think I know I'm getting fat? You don't think I've noticed? Dude, I've gained 38 pounds on the dot after moving to America. Two years, 38 pounds. I look like shit, dude. I feel like shit. This country's trying to kill me. Fuck. Dude, I'm on the road. I'm jacking off in weird hotels. Oh, my God. Things are pretty bad, but fun, but fun. Have you been to Cracker Barrel yet, my guy? A Cracker Barrel. I have not.

1:55:44I've seen the logo. Yeah, you got to get in there. You'll add an extra 30. Wish I got the reference.

1:55:51Brian Redban:A lot of gravy on country fried steak and whatnot. Me, what do I think about Ari Matty? Ari, you're killing it. You've been killing it for years. You came over from Estonia. You brought your swagger, your pants. You've got that cool Estonian bracelet on your neck. You're starting to look like Ellen in her final form. But you're a beast. Thank you, Tony. I love you. We have some fun in Austin, don't we? Man, I was at the... Dude, I was at the... Being on the road, you know, it's so tough. You're always lonely. I was at that hotel where you saw me, where by the pool. So yesterday, I hear... One of the most exhilar...

1:56:35When you stay at a lot of hotels, one of the most exhilarating things is when you overhear people fucking. Or domestic violence. Whichever.

1:56:46Brian Redban:Sometimes both. Sometimes both. Sometimes both sound a lot alike.

1:56:53So at the hotel, I don't want to say the name because it's a nice hotel, but still. La Quinta. Yes, the La Quinta Inn. Well, La Quinta is where you hear domestic violence and other things. But I was, so I was walking by the, in the hallway. And you know when you're like, so I go for my coffee, I go for my coffee, I hear them banging, banging, banging. Ah, ah, ah. I hear them banging. And it's kind of like performative, like I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical. I'm behind the door like this. This is fake. I go for the coffee. I go for the coffee. I come back like 15 minutes later. Still going. Now I know this is fake.

1:57:3915 minutes. Sure. So.

1:57:42Brian Redban:Yeah, what is the guy? Gay? Not already. Oh, okay. So then I go to the pool. and I see three giant black men. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It gets interesting. I'm very interested. Three black men. I'm interested. I'm interested. They take the elevator. I ask what floor. They go 11. I'm on 11. Are they coming for me? So. Boys. So we go to the, they are next door to me at the room. where this is all happening and I figure out they're shooting porn at the hotel room next to me oh boy and then I don't know what it is about LA but the devil took over I closed it's it's midday by the way next I put my coffee down I put the blinds I make it dark I get my ipad out I put it on mute I start watching porn while next to the wall like listening and I'm like jacking off watching the iPad just fucking come all over my feet, my toes, the hotel carpet.

1:59:00Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. We don't have it. Man, and the shame you feel, you know, when you're just with an iPad, just... How's that for VR, Brian? Never done that before. It's a new one. So yeah, something about LA just gets the darkness out of me.

1:59:21Brian Redban:I don't know what it is, dude. It is incredible. Darkness in you, darkness staying next door to you. It's everywhere. Ari, you have done it again. What an imprint on this show. What an imprint. I love you guys so much. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen.

1:59:40Brian Redban:Let's get another bucket pool up here. We're running a bit long, but I like it like that. You guys having fun out there? How about up in the upper bowl? How's the upper deck doing? Make some noise for your next bucket poll ladies and gentlemen, it is Joseph Garcia everyone here we go

2:00:08What's up y 'all My name is Joseph. Fun fact about me. My mom had me when she was 16. Anybody else Mexican? Damn. La Raza. Yeah, this used to be Mexico. That makes sense. That completely checks out. Every time I tell someone a teen mom growing up, they give me the same reaction. It's always a white person. They'll corner me. They'll be like, that must have sucked. And yeah, I get why someone would say that. That's the normal response. But I don't know, man. I like that shit. I thought it was pretty sick. Because when your mom's 16, you don't have to listen to her. What? I liked it, bro. Yeah, just be realistic, bro.

2:00:51Because imagine having a teen mom. My mom would try to ground me growing up. She was like, miho, go to your room, you're grounded. I was always like, nah, fool. You go to your room. Grandma grounded you first. You should listen to grandma. Because grandma's like 33. She's all right. That's it for me. Thank you guys so much

2:01:14Brian Redban:Joseph Garcia a lot of numbers a lot of ages lock on on there. I'm gonna check in with me here. Go ahead Joseph, what's your love life like? Well, I mean that's not where I would start. Okay. Okay a little bit deeper That's up Joseph. What's going on? How long you been doing stand-up? That's so yeah Oh, no my dream. How long you been doing stand-up? Oh, like about seven eight years now. Oh, we're out Yeah. Out here in LA. Where? Where do you live? I'm from Santa Ana. Santa Ana. I'm from Orange County, yeah. You live in Hollywood now? No. You live in Orange County? No, so I stay in the Inland Empire, but I have to travel up here a lot for comedy.

2:01:56Brian Redban:You stay where? Inland Empire. Okay, so that's the answer. That's where you live, that's where you perform. Got it. Yeah. All right. So, Joseph, what do you do for work? I just do this and I do music production. I make beats for rappers and stuff like that. So that's pretty cool. Uh-oh. Joseph, you're L.A. it seems through and through. At least that's what you're claiming. Give us something about your life that'll make this arena love you. This is L.A. You're in it right now. What's a redeeming quality about you that'll make these people love you? All right. So you asked about the dating life.

2:02:29I'm not good at dating, dude. That's not good. I'm just not good at it. Like I hooked up with a chick recently. and the first time we were hooking up, she tried to give me a dirty talk. I learned I'm not good at dirty talk. She whispered in my ear. She was like, yeah, you like that? I didn't know what to say. I was like, I'm just happy to be here.

2:02:49Brian Redban:Okie dokie. That's crazy. Gabriel, you got anything for this guy? I thought he was from San Diego. He does have San Diego energies tonight. San Diego energy. Someone find Andrew Ridgely and get this Wham ass out of here. Oh, I love the Wham. You are Wham. I am Wham? You don't like the haircut, Harlan? I love it. I want to take you to the beach and rub you all over a starfish. Joseph, I'm going to save you. I'm going to get you out of here. There's a little joke book. There he goes, everybody. On to the next one we go. I'm going to cleanse the room. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a full-time former regular of the show.

2:03:39Brian Redban:He is a member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. He is, on top of being one of the best, biggest touring comedians around, he is also literally the best roaster, other than me, in the show's entire history. Back here, where it all started, in Los Angeles, California. I present to you, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, the great David Lucas.

2:04:18Yeah.

2:04:27Yeah.

2:04:33The world is fucked up, and a lot of people are blaming it on the president, but I think the biggest problem that's plaguing the world is that fat girls have way too much confidence.

2:04:50Like, I miss the good old days when fat bitches would walk by you with their fucking head at the ground and shit. Now these hoes walk by you with their fucking head in the sky. It's like, hey, look at the ground when you walk past me. What the fuck is that? I hate that shit, bro. We've got to fucking coddle fat bitches' feelings. You can't even call them a fat bitch no more. You've got to call them shit like curvy or voluptuous or BBW. But if you see a fat guy, it's like, look at this fat piece of shit. It's delusion. I hate it. Fat girls go to lululemon and buy the biggest pants they can and Pull it above a fucking belly button then put a fucking halter top on and have one inch of stomach showing It's like bitch.

2:05:38I still see that fucking gut Like imagine if I did that shit imagine if I came in here with my pants above my belly button And I had a cutoff shirt y 'all be like call the cops on this nigga. What the fuck?

2:05:53But I do love fat girls. I think my favorite type of fat girl is a fat girl that lost a lot of weight and she got that loose skin. I love them fucking loose skin bitches. I took one of them loose skin bitches to the swimming pool and she started swimming. That bitch was in the pool looking like a stingray. It was... I was like... I was like, oh my God, look at this bitch.

2:06:20You ever try to fuck one of them loose skin hoes from the back, bro? Spreading out her ass cheeks is like spreading out bat wings, you know what I'm saying? I thought I was holding an endangered bird. I'm like... Throwing a fat girl with loose skin on your bed is like folding out a blanket, you know what I'm saying? It's like...

2:06:47Don't have a fan on that bitch gonna start floating like get there get the

2:06:52Brian Redban:All right, that's my time y 'all hall of famer legend you've seen hundreds of his sets and he's back in LA with us where it all started with him It's two gay niggas that's crazy When you get fucked he feel it That's it. And meanwhile, you're the size of three gay people. Tony, your asshole look like Joe Rogan's ear, nigga. Yo, fucking. You got cauliflower asshole, bitch. I'm surprised you even know what cauliflower is with your history with vegetables. I bet you know what a cucumber is, ain't it, bitch? Fucking. I do. I do, and it's none of your business, but I do with it. Fucking Mexican Ryan Seacrest over here.

2:07:38You know what the fuck is this? I'm not gonna take that Odell Beckham Carl's Jr. You look like Tony before he moved to Austin, nigga. You know what? You look like Bebop A. Rocksteady. I don't know how y 'all filed two of them stupid ass vests. I hate them fucking vests, nigga. Let me say they bulletproof, man. It's a very expensive vest, I'll have you know. Should've dildo bullet at you, niggas. Oh my God. Bring it on. Tony look like the type of nigga that go to sleep in a t-shirt with no bottoms on.

2:08:22Brian Redban:I love sleeping like that. Unbelievable. That's how you swim, right?

2:08:33Brian Redban:I'm kidding. He can't swim. Tony practiced drowning so he can get mouth-to-mouth. You get mouth-to-mouthed a fucking meatloaf. You look like the bouncer at Jurassic Park. More like Jurassic Dark, am I right? Y 'all niggas look like y 'all taste-tested new lollipops, bitch. Get the fuck out of there. Look at Harley. You look like one of them preachers that get bit by rattlesnakes there and pray it off. God got me! Well, well, well. Whoa. I had to wake him up. I had to wake him up. I almost forgot. You forgot? One of the greatest roast rivalries in the history of Kill Pony. Harlan Williams versus David Lucas.

2:09:19Brian Redban:We've seen this before. Old Arch Nemesis. Hell yeah, boy. Get your white frozo-looking ass in my head. Well, well, well. If it isn't the Lion, the Witch, and the Whataburger.

2:09:36You're the only guy in the world. Everyone else to that is a plaid shirt. For you, it's a picnic blanket. This guy's gonna go into a park later and eat a seven-course meal off his own shirt. This is the only guy that drives around Austin in a shitty old car, but he calls it a BMW because the only time anyone sees it is at Burger King, McDonald's, and Wendy's.

2:10:04It's hard to roast this old ass nigga, fucking Diamond Dallas Page looking ass. What the hell's on your head? Lift that thing up, that fucking thing. There'll be a zebra's asshole on the back of your head. There we go. Hell yeah, boy. Have you seen that movie Eat, Pray, Love? You're the sequel. Eat, eat, eat.

2:10:28How the fuck am I supposed to roast all three of these niggas, man? This is the only guy in the world who steps on a landmine and the landmine goes underground.

2:10:40We got to turn it up for these niggas. Fuck you, Harlan. It's hard to roast your old Canadian ass. You look like a preacher rooster, nigga. Get the fuck up.

2:10:51Brian Redban:Harlan Williams somehow summons being a roast god any time David Lucas is in front of him. I think this is the only time he really go hard when I blame my black ass up here. That's right, buddy. Look at you. Holy fuck, you're like an Orange Julius that got tagged.

2:11:11What are you sucking on? Is that...? A vape, nigga. You want to hit it? Yeah, give me a hit. It's the only guy in the world that vapes and it tastes like fucking Thanksgiving dinner. What do it taste like, Harlan? Tastes like it was in your ass. What the hell is that? It's called fucking fab, you old nigga. It's called what? Fucking fab. Did you call me old N? Yeah. Well, screw you, fat honky.

2:11:43I would blow a smoke ring, but you'd probably think it's an onion ring and eat the fucking thing.

2:11:51Brian Redban:Oh. My. God. The roast master right here, bro. It is true. Love you, bro. I love David. Come on. He's always the most fun showdown. It's impossible to roast that nigga, bro. He's a fucking character. He don't give a fuck how his hair look. He just come up here, dressed like Rocky Balboa when he got that new Corvette or Thunderbird, whatever the fuck it was. I hear you're in the new Star Wars. They've created a new character, Jabba the Pizza Hut.

2:12:24Fluffy, say something. Goddamn, help me out, nigga. No, are you kidding me? This is all, man. I'm waiting for you to take shots at me. Yeah, you look like a Mexican turkey ready to go in the oven, bitch. Your ass. They got that nigga injected with taheem and chamoy. I got to roast somebody else, nigga. This nigga Harlan destroying me, man. Dude, you got so much gravy dripping out of your pores, you could roast yourself. Shit, boy.

2:12:50Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Harlan makes me hot. Fuck you, bitch. Yeah. He is the only one that ever stumps you. I've never seen anything like it in the history. It's like 145 punches landed for Harlan and like 14 for you. I can never get this thing. Nobody is the only guy to have an advantage on you, and he literally has your number, which I think is 575. Is that your weight? Hell yeah, it is. David, whether it's you crushing or setting other people up like this to win, every single fucking time you're on this show, you elevate it. Yes. Which is incredible. He just rubbed his head with the fucking grocery store receipt.

2:13:41And I just rapped on my first feature, bro. They saw me on Kill Tony and shit, bro. It comes out in October, man. And so, like, whatever you feel about us, bro, Tony is really making stars out of this bitch, bro. He wants everybody to succeed.

2:13:54Brian Redban:Damn right. Hell yeah. I love you. Love you, too. Make some noise one more time. Into a dome for the Kill Tony Hall of Famer. My buddy. David Lights Out Lucas. All right. The only guy in the world who has underwear, large, extra large, and bouncy house. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like it's going to be good as fuck. Make some noise for Greg the Blind Man, everybody. Greg the Blind Man.

2:14:47Hey, how's it going? All right. Am I facing you guys? All right. All right, all right. Hey, how's it going? Nice to see you all. Yeah. Forgive me if I fuck up up here because I'm pretty fucking high, man. I am. Yeah. There's no secret I like to smoke weed. I do. How many of you guys out there like to smoke weed? Raise your hand.

2:15:20How many of you guys raise your hand to a blind man? Oh, that's fucked up, man. Hey, but the weed be fucking with me sometimes, man. It does. Just like the other day, I got really high. I got so fucking high that I thought I could see.

2:15:42I thought I had my fucking vision back, man. I got so excited, I ran to go tell my wife. Ran right into a fucking wall, man.

2:15:55My wife comes in, she's like, what's all the commotion? I'm like, I thought I could see. She's like, damn, Greg, again? But I do want to leave you with one thing, though, very important. If you guys ever live with someone blind, there's one thing you guys should never do, and that's leave a fucking plunger in the toilet. Try to explain that to the doctor. Thank you. My name's Greg Garcia, and I go by the blind man.

2:16:25Brian Redban:Greg Garcia, the blind man, has arrived. Welcome, Greg. Thank you. Have you been blind your whole life? No, I've been blind for 14 years already. What happened 14 years ago? Just lost a sight. Diabetes. Wow. Yeah. Damn. I know.

2:16:46Brian Redban:Yep. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for like about two years, two and a half years. You love it? I love it. You know what? Doing it got me out of my depression from going blind. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Beautiful. I always said, uh, naphtha is the best medicine ever. Yeah. That and weed, you know. Yeah. Are you based out of here, Los Angeles? Uh, no, I'm from, uh, Indio. I'm from the, uh, New California. Oh, wow. Look at that. Way up there, huh? Yeah. In the desert, yeah. Yeah. It's down there. You guys ever heard of it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for, what do you have, what do you do for work, Greg?

2:17:30Brian Redban:Is that a crazy question? No, it's not a crazy question. I drive for Uber.

2:17:40You got me. Yeah. I just stick my cane out the window and I just... I will be walking home tonight.

2:17:51Brian Redban:I love it. How about your wife? How long you been with her? 34 years. 34 years. Wow.

2:18:00Brian Redban:Amazing. You guys have kids? We got three kids, and I just, uh, brand new grandpa. Yeah. Whoa, look at that. Yeah. Excited about that. I love my little juju. I call her juju bee. Yeah. I love it. 34 years with your wife? You ever wish you were deaf?

2:18:24No, you know what? She's a good woman, man. She's a good woman. She's a real good woman. I love her to death. She stood by you through it all. That had to be quite the process. Stood by my side even when I lost my sight. Yeah, she stuck by you.

2:18:37Brian Redban:Either that or she has really quiet sex with another man. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For reals. What was the last thing you remember seeing? Good question, Ming. Thank you. Yeah, that is a good question. I think the last thing I seen was me naked. I think I would have gone blind too. Yeah, yeah. Do you read Braille? No, I don't read Braille. I can a little bit, but not that good. Oh, wow. You ever walk up to pimply-faced teenagers and read their face? That's funny, no. Greg, was there something that you loved when you had diabetes that you just couldn't give up? Were you addicted to Four Locos or something?

2:19:27Brian Redban:Like, what type of diet? I used to like to drink a lot. Ah. And I could never put down the sodas. Ah. Yeah, man. Loved it. Yeah. You still drink sometimes? Okay, Jenny, just every now and then. But I've been keeping my health, you know, pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever eat C's candies? Oh. Funny. Oh. Sorry. You forgot the drums. No, we can't. Thanks, Michael. Michael, thank you. Amazing. Amazing. Greg, you fucking crushed up here. You're so funny. I love your story. I love how you're doing things, man. I'm killing it, Greg. Thank you. Tony, Tony, Tony, I got something for your bass player.

2:20:14Brian Redban:I brought him a little something, man. Okay. Yeah, the great D Madness over here. D Madness, yeah. Representing two blind guys absolutely crushing on stage tonight. I love what he's doing. He's a real inspiration to the blind people out here. holding it down right here in your set with Kill Tony. Hell yeah, man. Yeah. Big fan of his. Yes, sir. I got him a little device. I call it the blind man device. Picked it up at a store. It's always an icebreaker. It's always a conversation. It's something like this.

2:20:50So I would love to give him something like that, you know? You got it. Yeah. I'd like to give it to him. I'd like to see him meet him right to eye, if I can.

2:21:01Brian Redban:Well, I got news for you. He's 15 steps behind you. Heidi, come on out here and introduce those two. Pretty magical moment. Hey, who's this? That's Heidi. Heidi. That's not D-Madness. Okay. Are we going somewhere? Even though they do both have a juicy ass. The great Gabriel Inglacius, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Dee Madness is a legend. How about one more time for Dee Madness? He is indeed a hero to blind people. Hell yeah. They're about to shake hands, and there it is.

2:21:53Brian Redban:Greg the blind man meeting the madness Get this honky away from me This motherfucker Alright Should we bring the girl up to kiss him? What? Nothing

2:22:13Brian Redban:I forgot, here's a medium joke book Oh, that was close. That was close, everybody. Right off Heidi's hot tit. There goes Greg the Blind Man. One more time for Greg the Blind Man, everybody. Good job, Greg.

2:22:32Brian Redban:Let's have some more fun. I'm gonna bring to the stage the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. You know him very well. He's here to do it again. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, is here live in the flesh.

2:22:58Hey, what's up, what's going on? Okay, sick. Hey, if I ever hotboxed a room, you know, I tried to hotbox my garage by turning on my car and didn't work like I thought. It was difficult to hide, but still got fucked up. So it's all that matters. I want to incorporate magic in my act. I literally saw a woman in half. and the magic is modern medicine. Let's see if they save her. Okay. Okay, if I had a time machine, if I had a time machine, I'd go back and die and I would circumcise baby Hitler. So everybody's like, kill baby Hitler. I'm like, convert him. Get him on your side, you know? You can get a lot done.

2:24:10So, bada bing. Okay.

2:24:14Brian Redban:That's a fucking great premise. Convert baby Hitler. Why would you kill him when you couldn't fucking utilize him? Have him kill the Germans. It sounds good. Martin, I love this getup you have tonight. Is this your L.A. fucking attire? Yeah, L.A. Marty is in the building. Have you been having fun this trip? It's been okay. Why? Why do you say it like that? What happened? They told my car. Oh, shit. I know. I just read the parking sign. I scanned the app, and I couldn't pay after 3 p.m. So I thought, oh, shit. Free parking after 3 p.m. But turns out it means towing after 30 p.m. Damn. Yeah, I know that's an L.A.

2:25:17experience, is getting your car towed.

2:25:20Brian Redban:Did you have your handicap placard? Dude, you're not respected at all in this fucking city, you know? Damn. Trust me, I always make sure I put that shit up, okay? Yeah, I always make sure I put mine up, and then I try to walk like you away from the car. You know, you got to do what you got to do, you know? Yeah. But, you know, totally, I know this, like, for Netflix is a joke and whatnot. So, yet again, I want to pitch another movie idea of mine. Yeah. Okay, so this movie is either a raunchy comedy, or it could be a porno. It just depends on the direction you take it in, okay? So, okay, it starts out, this guy, he's cleaning his grandpa's basement, and he finds an old book, and he can't decipher what the writing is, and he tries to say it out loud, and it turns out it's a book of spells, and he turns his cat into a human, and the human is like a hot chick.

2:26:42So then he's conflicted whether he should have sex with this new hot chick, because he also knows it's his cat. And, you know, in the end, He kind of gains confidence in himself and learns to talk to him because he almost tries to fuck his car. Anyway, it's cold. It's cold. What's new pussycat? Wow.

2:27:17Brian Redban:I just got worried they just towed your car again because of that. No, Martin, you're fucking fantastic. You're an unstoppable force. We love you. Did you have any other movie pitches or anything? Like, the movie, except it's the president of the United States.

2:27:43What'd you say?

2:27:47Except he becomes the president of the United States of America. Okay. Because, you know, that's not in the Constitution. All right.

2:28:03Brian Redban:I think Martin's on ketamine tonight, everybody. Sure. No, we love you. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, everybody, doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles. We love Martin. Guys, we fucking did it. There's only one comedian left. Are you guys ready for it?

2:28:30Brian Redban:Unfortunately, the great William Montgomery, again, couldn't make it tonight.

2:28:40Brian Redban:However, there is one final comedian, ladies and gentlemen. You know him, and you know him well. He's a man who, ever since his first appearance on the show, has absolutely dominated. and he has his own rule set where he gets to basically do whatever he wants to do. An unstoppable force that sells out all over the world after his appearance is on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a force of nature unlike anyone else in the history of the show. Here to close us out tonight make some noise for the one and only Timmy Dobry!

2:29:27Make some fucking noise Los Angeles

2:29:34Sit down, sit down What a beautiful night What a beautiful group of people I'm so excited We are here to celebrate The best roaster of all time Me and I will be conducting the official roast of Tone Hinchcliffe tonight here live on Netflix. Well, maybe not on Netflix. I did not know Adam Ray was essentially doing the same fucking thing. Uh, start the timer, Red Band. Look, uh, we could have done this in a lot of different places. We really could have. But Tone chose the Intuit Dome because when Tone's given Dome, he's Intuit.

2:30:33No, seriously, this guy's fucked more buttholes than a Crunchwrap Supreme. Boom. Red Band knows what I'm talking about. Look, Tone looks like a ventriloquist dummy, But when he put a hand in his ass, he just says, incredible. He's gay. He's a gay man. Tony is a queen. He looks like if a drag queen fucked a band queen in the bathroom of a dairy queen in Queens and gave birth to a drama queen whose first words were, yes, queen. Yeah, remember when you took that from me, you motherfucker? That was fucked up. Speaking of fuck ups, Redman is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, this is my impression of Redman having sex.

2:31:25Oh, fuck, she woke up! Pretty good, Big Pop. Big Pop. Guys, give it up for fucking Heidi. She's been doing a great job all night. People talk shit about it, but I fucking love that bitch. I mean, people say blondes are dumb. I don't agree with that. Heidi scored very highly on her STDs, boom. Oh, and be sure to check out Heidi and Valerie's new show. I think it's, uh... I think it's called, uh, Skankfest, boom, the horse. And let's not forget D-Manus, everybody, the fucking legendary D-Manus. D-Madness is blind and black So he definitely has not seen his kids Let's be real Let's keep it real On that note, and this is also real I was told Kevin Hart was going to be here But, you know, like D-Madness He didn't show up So, Harlan Williams you will be Kevin Hart for the rest of this roast.

2:32:40Kevin's so short and black, I call him David Lucas's life expectancy. Boom, double black roast. Two black guys, one joke. Kevin has to get on his tippy-toes deep pussy, okay? Not because he's short. You just have to be extra quiet when you're cheating on your fucking wife.

2:33:08Take that, bitch. Okay, so everybody on this day tonight sent me their jokes. They want to do them as part of the roast. Kevin, you sent me your jokes, so I'm going to have you go first. Give it up for Kevin Hart, everybody. Come on.

2:33:34Hey, how's it going, everybody?

2:33:41Where my black people at? Where my white people at? Where my fat people at? That one was for David Lucas. Okay, so I gotta read this? Okay, yeah. Yo, ho, up ho up. I'm gonna be 100 with y 'all. I ain't never seen a motherfucker kill like that. Give it up for Timmy.

2:34:13Hey, yo, check it out. Let me talk my shit. Look at this hot dog skin motherfucker. You know, if Tony's getting his dick sucked, he the type of motherfucker to be like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, let me show you how to do that.

2:34:29Thanks, I wrote that. You know Tony's ass should be called red man. You little red ass motherfucker. Tony why you red? Does grown ass black men like you make you nervous?

2:34:45I didn't write that one. Hey Tony's face baby looking like ass wears Gucci. More like Gucci Gucci goo. Little baby face looking ass motherfucker.

2:35:00Thank you. I'm Mark Norman.

2:35:12That was incredible. I mean, that was so good, Kevin. Very good job. One more time for Kevin Hart, everybody. All right, your next roaster is known for licking his fingers after he takes a shit. Give it up for fucking Red Band, everybody. Make it loud for fucking Red Band! Wake the fuck up!

2:35:41Make some noise! Make some noise!

2:35:49You know, I spent a lot of time doing VR. Vaginal rape. Make some noise come on

2:36:07I had to marry an Asian woman because her squinty eyes can't see how ugly I am Make some noise

2:36:21Every day every time I leave this strip club I have stains on my pants but it's from the buffalo wings and other guys come make some noise

2:36:44this crowd sucks

2:36:50guys to bring this to a close We have one roaster, and I think you know who it is. He, um... He, uh... He looks like a jazz dancer who invented, uh... jizz hands. He is... literally celebrating, and this is true, his 19th year doing stand-up comedy. I am talking about the one and only Tone Hinchcliffe. He's gonna show us how it's fucking done tonight with the jokes that he sent me. He's gonna close it out everybody on your fucking feet for the king

2:37:38Brian Redban:Thank you Timmy You made a big mistake giving this hungry wolf the mic Let me show you how it's done

2:37:52Brian Redban:Red Band's club has high ceilings. Uh, Red Band, you're not supposed to give your ceilings weed. Again, I... All right, okie dokie. Okay, I'm going to try out one of the roasts from the Kevin... Again. Yo, shut the fuck up! Let the king work! Shut the fuck up! This is all written by Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen. So play along, everybody. Okay, I'm going to try out one of the roasts from the Kevin Hart thing. Here it goes. Kevin works out. Too bad his movies aren't also having enough success so that people consider them to also be working out in the same sense as his exercise. Guys, give him another chance.

2:38:35Brian Redban:He knows he's going to get it back, guys. Give him another chance. Incredible. Timmy NoBreaks is here. Love that guy. Bring, bring. Hello, Mr. President. What? there's a food shortage because Red Band ate all the food so there isn't any left

2:38:54Brian Redban:All right now we're gonna do a 30-minute Q &A who has a question Timmy no breaks everybody he produces his own segments and writes everything

2:39:08Guys I have nothing else to say that was really bad I thought it was gonna be a lot better um You're the fucking best. I have so much fun with you stay gay LA fuck yeah

2:39:21Brian Redban:Timmy no breaks ladies and gentlemen And what a way to end tonight's episode. I'm gonna hand for the guy with the mop that's looking around with a It's going like running around. He's the hero of the night Did you guys have fucking fun tonight, huh? it's a long episode how about one more time for Teddy Swims Jelly Roll Dedrick Flynn Ron White fucking Tony Hinchcliffe ladies and gentlemen believe it or not this is Adam Ray everybody Dr. Phil everything in between the great Adam Ray Kill Tony Hall of Famer Fiona Colley Tony Scar Joe DeRosa Christina Mariani Ari Maddy David Lucas, Martin Phillips so many greats tonight how loud can this place get for the great and powerful guest of the year 2025 Harlan Williams ladies and gentlemen woohoo!

2:40:19Don't forget Wingman, Wingman May 26 stream it, you're gonna love it

2:40:24Brian Redban:Wingman, thank you Tony and how about one more time for one of our fucking favorites, frontrunner 2026 guest of the year, one of the best of all time Gabriel Iglesias ladies and gentlemen in case you guys are wondering where i was i walked the blind guy all the way to his car uh let's check out the art from our artists that's local artist ryan j ebelt drawing all the way from the beginning of the show and the great chris rogers from austin texas we did it again red band it's great being back in l.a i missed you guys fucking love you thank you so much we love you we missed you come see us again Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th Austin New Year's Eve tickets going on sale for that soon Dallas Houston everything we love you guys thank you goodnight everybody

2:41:43We'll see you next time.