#781 - JEFF ARCURI

21:48Brian Redban:what have you done I have Mike nothing allegedly how long you been doing stand up 12 years 12 years where at kind of all over New York but all over the world I work in reality TV I'm a TV producer. What do you do exactly for reality TV? I produce on a cop show right now. What's a cop show? Live PD? Yeah, you said it. I didn't. Okay. That's awesome. Yeah, you know Sticks? I don't know him, no, because I'm out on location. So I ride around the back of a cop car all day doing everything my parents told me I'd be doing. Wow. Isn't that interesting? I've always found that show intriguing because it's called Live PD, and I know how things work, so I know it's not live.

22:34Brian Redban:But it's funny because people that don't know how things work would think that it is live. So they think that they're like watching what's actually happening, being live, but it's not live. But they don't need to know that. Right. I didn't know that. I think you should keep it that way. I'm just watching cops play improv? What the fuck? That's disgusting. so uh i mean is it crazy to ask you like what are some things that have happened while you've been in the back of a cop car uh well you know what i gotta do is i gotta get releases from the people they're arresting so that we can use their image legally on tv so basically getting signatures from crackheads right and that's tough when they say no you gotta blur it out if it's good right but you could just tell them that if they don't sign it they'll go to jail longer just lie to them Oh, wow.

23:26Or bring a little crack with you. Right? You know what I mean? You'd be a great producer. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Let's do it. Let's do it real live though.

23:35Brian Redban:Do you have a little budget? Do you have a little, like, you ever, like, bribe them? Like, here's 20 bucks? Allegedly. Of course. No, I'm trying to keep my job, although I don't think announcing it to everybody here is a helpful way to do it. Pretty sure I'm in direct violation of my contract. No, you're fine. You're fine. We'll change the subject. Last thing we want is fucking the PD coming in here and getting you. So, Mike, tell us. You do have kids, you said? No. No. All right. Hope not. How do you think you've gone this long without having kids? That is the best question I've heard all night.

24:13Jeez, just dumb luck, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't really want kids either, so there's that. Perfect. It's intended.

24:23Brian Redban:Perfect. What do you do for fun? Do you have any special hobbies or anything? Special skills or talent? Gamble. I like to gamble. Yeah? Gambling is my favorite thing. What do you gamble on? The biggest gamble I ever want happened in Nairobi, Kenya in 2000. Whoa. Yeah, I went to a casino. I lost$2 ,000 playing roulette. Walked out of the casino with two East African women. I don't know if you know what the AIDS situation was around the turn of the century in East Africa. but the fact that I'm alive today means I won that gamble.

24:55Wow. Ew. That's wild. That sentence was tough to get through for me, man. Tougher for me. You were struggling there. I felt you going, I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have done this. You noticed. Do you love doing stand-up? You love this? I love stand-up. It's my favorite. 12 years I've been doing it off and on. I had to take a little break. But, yeah, this is – yeah, I would much rather do this than anything. I would say I think you tried to cram a minute 30 into a minute. I think you went a little fast. I feel like you know that, though, a little bit. I was a little nervous up here. Dude, I am too.

25:29I don't even have to do anything. Makes sense. Yeah, man, it's fine. You're going to be nervous. Just slow yourself down. You have to force yourself to kind of breathe into the nose, out through the mouth, slow yourself down a little bit in the beginning. It'll come off. The confidence will exude.

25:41Brian Redban:When you took a break, why did you take a break? My ex-girlfriend didn't really like me doing comedy. So, whoa, tell us about that. How long were you with her? We were together for like, yeah, six years. I moved back to Maine. I moved from New York back to Maine with her. She got you out of New York. You were there living your dreams, doing stand up. How long had you been doing it until you took this break? Four years? I started in 2014. And then I moved in with her in 2019 up in Maine. And we lasted to the COVID thing. And then I was like, you know what? I want to go tell jokes. this guy wanted you to die yeah fucking made it out i can't believe it did you uh give her aids good question good question um so very interesting what what why did you move to maine for a girl well i was doing a reality show i grew up in maine and uh she happened to live in the town next to the town that I was doing a reality show.

26:44Dim Springs? No, it wasn't.

26:48Brian Redban:Very interesting. Mike, if you could give us one crazy thing that's happened to you in your entire life that you think makes your life different than everybody else's, what would that thing be? You ever have a near-death experience or save somebody's life or see anything crazy or like supposed to be in a building in 9-11 or something or like anything like that, anything just wild? Spent a lot of time in jail. Okay. let's go again that was for work though i spent time in 28 different jails and 25 of those were for work so wow scared uh scared straight lock up oh wow so but i mean talk about an experience i mean it was crazy i mean it was no one ever fucked with me too bad i mean i didn't have to give my shoes to anybody but um yeah it was it was cool it was crazy interpersonal communication with people you know what was the craziest thing you saw in all your time in jail uh i saw this lady i mean this is it's not funny this lady just wrecked this chick with this other chick in a in a maricopa county just slammed her head in a cell it was pretty gnarly yeah i don't know sorry that's not funny it's okay it's okay mike all right um here's a medium-sized joke book thanks for signing up And it has begun.

28:03Brian Redban:Our first fucking pool of the night, Mike St. Hilaire. Out there working the reality show business. Alright. Oh my god, there she is. Live in the flesh. The opposite of this guy. The beautiful Heidi. Isn't she something? Isn't she something? You know, it's funny how your priorities change. When you're younger, you're worried about making rent or surviving a bad set. Then one day you realize if something actually happened to you, the people you care about would be the ones dealing with the mess. It's not the most exciting conversation, but it's an important one to have. That's why I like what Ethos is doing.

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29:17That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash killtony. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Dave Litz. Dave Litz.

29:33Waka, waka, waka. Nanu, nanu. How's everybody doing tonight? So, she's alive. She survived for 10 years. Most people want their mother-in-law to die, but not me. My mother-in-law survived stage 4 pancreatic cancer for 10 years. I'm so excited. Yeah, absolutely. So she traded in stage four pancreatic cancer for type three diabetes and was the second person to have robot laser surgery, have her pancreas cut out. And I'm the first person to make a joke about it. My mother-in-law cannot go into remission because she doesn't have an organ anymore, but she can get repossessed. That's right. They put a contract out where she has to be a content creator to promote the pump that keeps her alive.

30:24So every morning she has to do a thing to show how great she is staying alive so that she can keep getting the medicine to keep her alive. So if you could, please like, subscribe and share to keep my mom alive. Thank you, guys. What the fuck? Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. If he came out with an accent, I'd be like, what happened to Ari Maddy?

30:53Brian Redban:Yeah. what happened to him it is wild right i mean there's a lot going on here he does he looks like if re maddie joined the jackass crew and got his haircut at wonder cuts in dim spring this is incredible that's the five-star review

31:15Brian Redban:okay dave litz how long you know first of all you said that your mother-in-law as the first person to have stage 4 pancreatic cancer and have laser surgery to have her pancreas removed and that you're going to be the first person to make a joke about it. What's the joke? I did it last time, Tony, but you didn't review my material. So I actually said she has now triabetes, which is, you didn't go for it, man. It's fun. Last time I was on, you called me a gay Nazi and threatened to bite the gym out of my face. So we're already doing better. I look like Ari Matty. Like, he's one of the regulars, so...

31:52Wow. All right.

31:55Brian Redban:This is incredible. Dave, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like I said last time, Tony, I've been doing it... Again, you don't have to reference last time. I don't remember it. Nobody remembers it. We do this every week. You just got to answer the questions. So how long have you been doing stand-up? 30 years. There's no fucking way. Absolutely. There's no way. I did it in high school. Absolutely. I actually got kicked out of high school. And then I perform mostly in hospitals, nursing homes, and churches. So, yeah. I perform constantly. You turn hospitals into hospices. Actually, I've done hospice care for many, many years.

32:32And that's where I started doing stand-up. In hospices? No, doing bedside comp. God, Tony. Yeah, Tony. I'm so frustrated. Man, I'm so frustrated. It's incredible. No, I appreciate the questions, man. It's great. I mean, you have to. So you have to appreciate it, Dave. Are you mad at us? Never. No. I'm so happy to be here. I feel like you're mad at me. Yeah, no, it's been a rough week, man. Tell us about the week. Well, my friend, Michael Head, his episode aired last week, and he didn't get to see it. He actually died last Sunday. What happened to him? He did cocaine that had fentanyl. A guy that was on this show.

33:18Last week. Episode. With Ye Ye.

33:20Brian Redban:That one that aired last week. Right. Was he always doing cocaine and fentanyl? I think he was celebrating getting up on the show, man.

33:35Dude, that's so fucked up for you to say. Oh, dude. All week. Oh, my God. I've been over probably 15 Mikes this week, and every Mike that I start out, I give homage to Mike Head. He's an amazing comic. He was super funny. He did a great job, did a way better interview than I'll ever do. And, yeah, I'm that. I know. I miss him every day.

34:00Brian Redban:Did you happen to perform at his bedside that night? No, but I am planning on performing at his funeral. Are you really? Yes, sir. I mean, don't you think those people have been through enough? No. I want to give it to them more, Tony. This is incredible. This is incredible. No, you're incredible. I love Tony. Tony's amazing. He's such a good guy. What, are you going to give me a big joke book? What's going on here, dude? Actually, you gave a big joke book to a blind girl and then said that you only did it so that she could feel it, thus giving no value to big joke books so i like my small joke book it's amazing i don't even understand i'm gonna kill this fly the ghost of michael good is here trying to it's trying to it's trying to distract me from the chaos of dave litz dave what's something interesting about your life before i get you out of here i just made it to number nine in the world on a One-wheel hoverboard.

35:06I'm ranked number nine on XR.

35:09Brian Redban:What does that mean? We don't know what a one-world hoverboard is. One wheels? The one wheels? How do you rank? By miles. I just broke 19 ,857 miles. Whoa. Yeah. Here in Austin, I ride around the lake most of the time. And then who's tracking this? The app? It's on the app. Okay. That's good. Fuck yeah, dude. you're uh hoverboarding like crazy we're gonna get this fly with this electric tennis racket michael gonzalez likes to leave the back door open while he brings all of his drums in slowly one by one one of the least hard-working mexican people you'll ever meet in your entire life literally it's actually true we've been watching i watch the security footage i know you leave that back door open.

36:00You have to close the back door behind you from now on. It's worth mentioning on the biggest live podcast in the world. Dave, what do you think is the worst thing about you? Because everybody seems to not like you. I think the worst thing about me is that my son died 10 years ago. Give it to me, Red. Literally. How did your son die? He died in my arms while I was taking care of him. Oh my God. Well, that's where he died. How did he die? He had cerebral palsy, epilepsy, and macrodegeneration of the cornea.

36:32Brian Redban:Now, normally a cornea injury and cerebral palsy isn't enough to kill somebody. What was the complication that he went through? They don't know. They don't know? Nah. Were you running your material by him when he was in your arms? This is one of the craziest interviews ever. Yeah. This is one of the most morbid. My job is not easy, people. It's not easy. You could not do any better. I promise you that. None of you could. I was taking care of him 12 and a half hours a day, seven days a week. That was my job. Well, I mean, if you were doing that, then who was doing all the hoverboarding? I got my hoverboard after COVID.

37:13Okay. So I hadn't started yet. I had seen a hoverboard. They had just come out when Mac was alive. Was that your only child?

37:20Brian Redban:Yes, sir. Okay. Well, that is an interesting thing. Did you perform at his funeral? I did. What did you say there? Did you do any jokes? Yeah, I did jokes about taking him to the skate park. So I used to, McCormick lived in a wheelchair. And so I built him a wheelchair that was remote controlled. I'd do 60 miles an hour. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I have to stop you here. I have to stop you here. First of all, why in the world was this wheelchair not a hoverboard? Because they weren't out yet, Tony. Okay, no, I get it. What made you turn it up to 60 miles per hour? So that we could drive on the highway.

38:10So we would sit in the back of the truck and run interference, and then my ex-fiance had an over-the-road trucking company, so we could literally shut down the road. So I would be in the back of the truck Steering And McCormick would be Following behind us Just laughing Just laughing How old was he during this? Of nine Hold on, let me get this right Because this is unbelievable I know That's why we're talking about it On the number one podcast in the world Hold on, shut up, Dave

38:47Brian Redban:Only respond when I ask a question Just hold on a second here. Because I need to make sure that we're all on the same page. I need to make sure that I understand what you're saying. So you're telling me. Shut the fuck up. So you're telling me that you would shut down the freeway. You. No. Ride behind a truck that had an oversized load. That was it, man. Got it. Got it. Got it. That's what I meant. You were in a normal car. Normal truck. Normal. Like a pickup truck. Bacing him. You're in the back of the truck. Yes. Okay. What part of America were you doing this in? Colorado. Okay. What could go wrong?

39:25There's no mountains or hills there for a wheelchair to fall off of.

39:29Brian Redban:Anyway. So you're in Colorado. You're behind an oversized load. The kid in the wheelchair is behind you, right? Yeah. And you have him going 60 miles an hour. Well, not at first. You have to speed up. Right, of course. But the max speed was 60. You'd get him up to 60 miles an hour in a wheelchair. Yes. while he's laughing at age nine. Yes. And you don't know how he died?

40:00It wasn't a car accident. No, we know. Why would you do that to your child? I mean, was the medical bills adding up and you were trying to get out quicker? So you could just be like, what the heck? I work for Ability360, and I work really hard to make sure that all disabled people are able to do whatever they want to do. I do the exact same thing with my golden tickets. I don't know if you've seen it. Oh, we've noticed. Trust me. I know. All right, Dave. Thank you very much. You already have a little joke book, so there you go. There he goes. Dave Litz, everybody. Wow. Like I said, you never know what's going to happen here on Kill Tony.

40:43I mean, wow, that guy. You can't make that up. Yeah, you dig way further than I ever would dig. You go deep. And we almost never found out

40:56Brian Redban:that he rigged his triple handicapped nine-year-old child up to a 60-mile-an-hour wheelchair. Why? Well, of course, so that he could go on the freeway. Duh, dumbass. Why else would you rig a wheelchair up to 60 miles an hour? He did what every decent parent would do. Okay. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Clearly anything can happen. Make some noise for Brian Cook. One minute uninterrupted for Brian Cook.

41:36Thank you. Thank you very much. This year, in 2026, I found this incredibly effective cure for depression. It's called money. I highly recommend it. It's changed my life. If you get the chance and you can get a hold of some, it's a complete game changer. I'm not kidding you. Now, I once had a neighbor who was a prison guard back when I went to college in Huntsville, and they have a joke amongst the guards that I really enjoy. And I'd like to share with you that if you are an inmate in Texas, and hopefully it doesn't come to that. There's three types of inmates, three groups. You got the ones that need to be in the funny farm and not in prison.

42:14You got the ones that need to be in rehab and not in prison. And then you got the ones that you need to take them out back and shoot them because they ain't never going to change. And if you want the proof of that, you will see it tonight when you exit the building and go out on the sixth street because that's the hell in which we live here in Austin. Oh yeah. Tell me about it. Well, I recently moved. I got that going for me. I didn't like the old complex can you believe that i did not like listening to mc hammer at one in the fucking morning when i'm trying to sleep i know it's unreal but i could tell that that was the music they listened to before they got locked up and went to prison so i guess we gotta let them have that one hey thank you okay brian cook let's uh let's get right into it here when you say they yeah just yes just yeah i think that's the best answer i mean really there were people listening

43:05Brian Redban:to mc hammer nowadays that loud at 1am they're frozen in time you know and that's coming from me who is also frozen in time and they're further deep in the iceberg it's not cool wow did you ever tell them to stop no i mean i went in a different direction

43:22Brian Redban:should have wow wow amazing brian so uh what did they get in trouble for to where they had to go to prison no management is cool with that they have no problem there was one day that like the base was bumping at 11 a.m and i walked to the office like we can hear this standing inside here it's no no it's no problem it's okay i guess we got to go to plan b well 11 a.m yep I mean. Yeah, but you'd be able to hear it 400 yards away. And you're awake with the cocaine and everything. You know, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Brian, remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? June was four full years.

44:04Brian Redban:Four years. Yes. And where are you originally from? I grew up in Houston, but have lived here since I graduated college. Love it. What do you do for work? Well, that's what I have the update for you, Tony Hinchcliffe. Well, I'm excited about this, Brian. It was October last year. You looked me in the eye and said I was being too picky about my job search. Well, I'm glad to report back that being picky paid off because I found my favorite job ever. I'm an IRS certified tax preparer and who would have figured I would have fallen in love with the tax cut. No, no, check this out. No, no, no. So let me give you the good news, people.

44:38If anyone's going to let me talk and explain.

44:45Listen to the musicians overpowering the room. Now, next floor is a building full... I don't know if you've met musicians before, but they do not like the IRS at all. I know, but I can explain this in like three sentences. That was wild to build it up like that. So much. Like, I actually found my dream job. Pedophile, guys. There's a building full of comedians next door waiting to get on this show and I helped six of them do their taxes last year. We got a bunch lined up for this year. I'm helping them clear up that dumpster fire of a person. I don't want them doing better either. The IRS. I'm just trying to help.

45:23You must be saving them dozens.

45:27Brian Redban:I can't imagine that the six people that you're helping have a lot of income. It's more the crazy stuff in their past and clearing that up. That's the challenge. Ah, yeah. It's unfucking that nonsense. There's probably a better way to say that. Yeah. So you're making money doing that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Enjoying. Just actually enjoying it. Enjoying going to work. Wow. Yep. You like it. Yeah. What time do you start work? Nine. 9 a.m. So why is the guy's music bothering you at 11 a.m.? Because it's not tax season and I'm at home. I'm furloughed. So I'm home to hear the MC Hammer all fucking day. Wow.

46:03What's really MC Hammer? Really? that's the i'm hung up on that because it's i don't know drake or something more modern i guess i'd get but wow they really reached back for that one oh i see what's going on here it's rap music and you call that mc hammer oh my god this is like finding out they rigged the wheelchair to 60 miles

46:24Brian Redban:per hour holy shit walking around there's a lot of mc hammers out here

46:35I had to cross the street the other day. I had one of those MC hammers walking right at me.

46:42Brian Redban:Holy shit. Brian, how old are you? Turn 49 next week. 49? You don't look a day over 72. That's incredible. Amazing. Wow, look at you. You are adorable. You are the French bulldog of human beings. I mean, it is just incredible. You look puggish. Has anyone told you that before? Yeah. You have a sweet little round head to you. I think you're a sweet guy, man. I think you're a good heart in you, dude. Yeah. I keep trying my best. Whether you believe it or not, I am. I will say, I think you say too much sometimes. Yeah. And not in a way like being mean. I just mean like even your drug structure. You know how it works.

47:20You know there's like a rule of three. You did three things. But a lot of it, like you didn't need. Like, oh, my friend worked at this prison. If you have never been to prison, And all you say is you need three rules in prison. Just start the joke. Just go into it. Can I keep it real with you? Yeah. I got number two and number three mixed up. That was an adjustment. We were all thinking that, I think. Yeah. And that's why I brought that up. I was like, I don't think number two is supposed to be that soon. Yeah, that's exactly what happened yesterday. You know what, man? Let's just have them do it again.

47:47Brian Redban:Brian, what's your love life like? I want to know if there's fucking... On the advice of my therapist, we've now got the dumpster fire personal life's under control. We're gainfully employed. We live in a good apartment. Like, now we're ready to date. Now I think I can do it effectively. We could be wholesome. Let's go out for ice cream. It doesn't... Hold on a second, dude. Are you on Adderall? No, no. I'm just excited to be here. I love it. I love it. So are you seeing somebody? I got no answer out of that. No, I'm looking. Not well, but I am. What's the first thing you look for in a lady? Like, what do you notice right away?

48:21Really? Don't think. Answer. One, two, three. Go. Honestly, another comedian. Because they'd be sympathetic to the lifestyle and the craziness. Come on, think it's... Let's go physical. What's a physical feature you notice about it? What do you look for in a woman? Kind of dark hair. MC Hammer-ish a little bit? No, not that. Brunette. There we go. No, not that.

48:43Brian Redban:Wow. Brian, when's the last time you were with a woman? 2024. Okay. I thought you were going to say 20 years ago. No, no, no. We had rehab and therapy in between. What happened with rehab? What did you go to rehab? I got that Kill Tony Bounce from the big joke book. Is everybody doing fentanyl after getting pulled out of a bucket now? Is this what I'm fucking out here tonight? What the fuck is going on, people? No, it was just coming off the street, being a nobody, and then you get, oh, you did so great. It got out of control for like a year. Is your tempo always this fast? Oh, yeah, a thousand miles an hour.

49:17Brian Redban:Okay, hold on. Let's let him answer the question, Red Band. So what did you go to rehab for? In order. Alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, Adderall, LSD, and something. There was more. Why do people that do cocaine and meth mention marijuana and alcohol? Because that's not on the thing. I love that they all do that. Not the way I did it. The way I did it, because it's like you go and you got to do your errands during the day, and you come back to the rehab clinic, and they drug test you, and you get back. And I'm trying to get better, so we're doing the drug test. It took eight weeks for me to piss clean for weed.

49:55And that's from all the dabs and the gummies and all the bullshit. Like, yeah, it builds up in your system.

49:59Brian Redban:Right. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, when you're up 24 hours a day because of the meth, there's a lot of time to do marijuana things. Tons. Freeze it up. So let's mostly talk about the meth here. What the fuck was that? Deez, was that you? Oh, okay.

50:20sometimes deez accidentally hits a sound effect he what was that deez okay all right it makes sense i don't think they heard that we just heard it like it was some guy right over here

50:31Brian Redban:that made sense so take us through a wild day or night or a paranoid uh part of meth we've all seen breaking bad that's as close as most of us have come to meth an easy way to put it is the first 72 hours are a lot of fun the any any time after that it's like at five days your body shuts down so the days four and five are just a giant question but give us an example like what did you do what's something you accomplished so one of the things i used to do is i would need to get some air right what does get some air mean it means take the pre-dawn bus to walmart wait until 6 a.m for the doors to open and then walk around the store like a maniac comparison shopping appliances.

51:13Ooh, that's a good price on cookies, just being an idiot in public. Not really anything dangerous but that. That's not quite the exciting answer we were looking for. You never did anything kind of crazy on meth? You ever deal a lot of taxes in one day or anything? No, that's part of, you know, coming back to regular life. That's why we love the tax code. No, we don't love... We were still defending the IRS. Come on, guys. Yes, come on.

51:42Brian Redban:You might have one of the most boring meth habits I've ever heard of in my life. A downplay. That's incredible. I mean, why would you downplay on a big fun podcast? Because I'm embarrassed about it. I'm not Nikki Sixx bragging about it in the old days. Whoa, Nikki Sixx. Don't MC Hammer yourself right now. Don't dig to the 80s for your references, bro. All right, Brian. Here's a little joke book. We'll do better next time. There he goes. Brian Cook. Don't overdose because of this performance. Don't relapse. Tonight's sponsor is Merriweather Farms Natural Beef Sticks. I love beef sticks. Of course you do, Red Band.

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53:56I'll tell you, we pulled a very special name out of this bucket. This is one of the hardest working Kill Tony backbone employees and fucking I spend five days a week with this young lady she got her job here

54:10Brian Redban:on Kill Tony her full time job with us out of the bucket she's great we love her make some noise this is a brand new minute from the great Sarah Sloan everybody

54:26hey guys I recently discovered the most effective form of birth control It's a me.

54:40Okay, I got a true story for you guys. This is crazy. In the fourth grade, I had this insane belief that my hair only looked good when it was completely soaking wet with water. So in between classes, I would sprint to the bathroom sink and I would start cupping the water and putting it all over my head as quickly as possible. Everybody thought that I was a weirdo and I had no friends at the time, but I will say this. The Mexican boys loved me.

55:13And I always wondered why, but if I had to guess, it might have been because I had that wet back. It might have been because I had that wet back. Where are my Mexicans at?

55:27Okay, I want to finish on this. I want to finish on this. People always like to ask me, Sarah, why did you get into stand-up comedy? And the reality is this. I realized pretty quickly on that stand-up comedy was the only art form that I was capable of doing that would force men to look at me. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Sarah motherfucking Sloan. I got to tell you, this is one of those moments where I get to talk about my favorite part of this show.

55:58Brian Redban:and that is when people come back on and they're so much funnier than they were the last time and the last time they were funnier than they were before that and before that.

56:13Brian Redban:Maybe it's because I know you, but I don't think it is. I was listening to the room and even on your setup of wetting your hair, I was cracking up because it feels so authentic. It feels like something you can't just write at a coffee shop. It feels like that's genuine to you. I feel like everybody has their own version of a weird quirk like that, like thought that looked cool in grade school or whatever. So even during your setups, you were getting big laughs from me. And it's just incredible to watch you fucking crush up here tonight. Probably the set of the night so far tonight. Let's check in with the great Jeff R.

56:53Brian Redban:Curry. Great job. Oh, thank you, Jeff. It's so funny. It goes to show, because that joke was so simple in the beginning. The first thing I said to Tony, I was like, that's so simple. But you made it you by just making the punchline funny. It's just a word written out. It's not that funny. But you're going, it's a me. It's so adorable. And that joke was within five seconds. That's what you need to do here. And you did that such a great job. And it was personal, so no one can take it from you. And it was real. And then it was racist right at the end there. Yeah. But she did it silly, so it's okay.

57:26Get it, Tony. Get it.

57:27Brian Redban:I think I had it. Oh, I almost had it. Is it not charged? Oh, it's not on. Oh, shit. Now it's on. Wow. Oh, that thing's gonna fucking die next time it comes around. Did you guys... I probably shouldn't have pulled it that close to the microphone. I love watching you guys do it. You're like... Well, that's because it's electric. Take it easy over there. one good set he's ready to go do fentanyl tonight jesus christ rest in peace michael god we're making jokes that's what he would have wanted i'm like secretly michael hiatt i'm just like oh it was him all along when did you stop doing the hair thing do you remember like why did you stop or how no it really was the cool girls in school in the bathroom and they were just all kind of like it was literally like a TV show.

58:22They were just like... And I was like, what are you doing? And I was just like, this is how my hair looks good, right? And they were like, oh my gosh. And I just kind of like sat there and realized I am a freak in the worst way possible. So I just, I had to stop. I had to stop. Did you guys have any of those things that you did? Oh, totally. Do you remember? Oh, I did it all. I mean, I had the, remember when, I mean, I don't know.

58:46Brian Redban:How old are you? 38. Okay, I'm 42. So when I was in grade school, yeah, by the way, I'm seven years younger than Brian Cook, who was up here a second ago. So I'm basically the best looking man in the world. Anyway, there was a period of time where you would get the bowl cut, but you would bleach blonde the bowl cut and leave the brown roots down here. Basically, you could only go to Wonder Cuts for a job like that. we're all just looking trying to look like justice and taylor thomas yeah jtt yes it was i wore uh i wore cologne oh yeah i had like so much cologne three days in a row i'm like this smells so good i should just keep putting it on and then i had to get taken out of school they called my mom they're like he can't wear cologne i was distracting all the bitches yeah it's so funny i did that as like a grown-up i remember uh i uh this was like i think i was like 23 or 24 and it was my first ever writing job uh effort like an actual like comedy central writing job and they're like guys all the big agents and managers are coming in and i'm like oh, I'm about to get signed on the spot today.

1:00:07And I did that. I wore too much cologne. It's a shame. I'm literally 10 years older than you were in your story. And I did it in the main, main, main, main, main agent, who I can probably say is now my agent, and we laugh about it literally about 20 years later. But the main, main agent, who at the time, they're like, yeah, this is fucking Zach Elefanakis' agent. This is the guy. I mean, the head of comedy at CAA. walks into this big boardroom and goes, Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that smell? I'm like, oh, God. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, crazy. We laugh about it now, but he didn't forget. Let's put it that way.

1:00:48He's like, that was you?

1:00:49Brian Redban:You were the writer that stunk? I thought Luke Perry was the coolest shit in the world. All right, you win. and then you know uh the guy uh that's the end of the story so i had really big hair at the front like uh what's it called oh we need pictures of that yeah i had that and everyone called me poof and i thought that was a cool name but you look back at it i literally just had like hair up to here for no reason so dumb that's a slur in england yeah yeah a real poof Shout out that slur. What the fuck? Yeah. Sarah Sloan. I mean, is there anything else we need to cover? You just fucking absolutely ripped it up here.

1:01:41Brian Redban:It could not have gone any better. You have immersed yourself. A little fun fact about Sarah that's different, I can say, than any comedian in the world is that she makes my schedule for me. Sometimes I add things to my own schedule. But throughout the day, everything that's put in my phone on my schedule is done by the great Sarah Sloan. No, wait. No, that's not the point. Shut up. But what's funny is I don't even know if you know this, but she also accidentally puts all of her things into my schedule as well. I don't know if I've ever told you this. And so I literally know how hard you've been working.

1:02:24You're like, I have a mammogram? I'll look at my schedule and there's like everything that makes sense. 3 p.m. this, 4 p.m. that, 5 p.m. this, a little rest area. And then my normal, like there's nothing normally at night because I have my own, I know my nighttime schedule. But what's funny is it'll be like 7.30 Narbar, 8.45 Sunset Strip Comedy Club, 9.15 Creek in the Cape. so I literally see you hustling and then you get to actually feel it in this appearance your hard work and your grind it's so awesome it's my favorite thing in the world to see you kill in this part of life as well and during the daytime you're literally as you know one of my favorite human beings on planet earth so to get to sit back and be a fan is awesome

1:03:10Brian Redban:the flies bother you want to take a powerful swat probably a horse fly oh yeah Because she doesn't joke. I didn't just call a woman a horse. She does a horse impression. Okay, so people didn't know that. You want to give us one horse? One horse for the road?

1:03:31Dang it. Man. Okay. Sorry. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah. There it's long.

1:03:42Brian Redban:Thank you guys so much. On to the next one we go. Before we get to the bucket, I have a special treat for all of you. And we also have momentum right now, which is exciting. So we'll see how this goes. I had a golden ticket winner arrive earlier. I don't even actually think he is a golden ticket winner. I just think he's what we call a growing scumbag favorite of the show. You've seen him many times before. He's a special treat always. Talk about a person much like Sarah that we've seen grow in front of our very eyes. We'll see how this minute goes. this is uh one of the real freaks everybody you know him it's a the one and only uncle laser everybody

1:04:33hey i give it up for that horse lady that was real good and listen that that older fellow ain't never done math that's not how you do math i went for a walk not that's not a thing that's not a thing. Hey, listen here. Hey, I'm back in Austin, back in Texas. I was in Canada and boy, that's a third world country now, ain't it? I don't know what's going to get me first, like bear or the winner or Islam because God damn, they're everywhere. What the fuck, dude? I went to Calgary. It's like rodeo season and they got like Indians dressed up as cowboys.

1:05:12Not cowboys and Indians. That's not what I said. Okay? Like, you ever seen a turban under a cowboy hat? It's fucking wild, homie. Yeah, and the mass immigration. And then, like, hey, I know it's Austin. It's a liberal city, you know. And, like, did y 'all get the vaccine? Stupid. Fucking stupid. He lied about his tie. He goes, I plead to fit to his cover of his tie. Hey, man, I don't know if COVID's real. Okay? I don't know if COVID's real. Okay? but during COVID, like, didn't we all just start eating ass? Oh, oh, we got work from home and we can't taste or smell? Ma, come on, motherfucker. Hey, anybody here eat ass?

1:06:01You eat ass, boy? You been eating ass since swine flu. Shut the fuck up, yeah. Look, I don't know if COVID's real, but let me tell you something. Let me show you something. Look, when you get down there to eat some ass, right? This here's a butthole, all right? It's enlarged for scale, you know? And look, you get down there, and there's gonna be like sprinkles on cupcake, right?

1:06:29Those are toilet paper balls, okay? Charmin pine cones. And listen, I don't know if COVID's real, and if you got a vaccine, you're a fucking retard. But I tell you what, you put your fucking tongue on them toilet paper balls now you got strep throat my name is Uncle Adrian, I've been great wow wow

1:06:52wow that boy ain't never done math take a walk, what is that I put fucking aluminum foil on my windows and don't look outside for three days take a walk, that fucking line

1:07:07Brian Redban:is the is that word your new getter done or something you found a little trademark out there sorry dude youtube has limitations we're gonna have to bleep some of those yeah i mean i come with a warning you what i don't know i can't read

1:07:27Brian Redban:what's going on how are you johnny i'm asking you how are you laser Nah, I mean, you know. What's going on? Just throwing bad dick at even worse people.

1:07:40Try and make it stick, you know. I fucked a porn star that night.

1:07:45Brian Redban:Okay, let's talk about that. Everybody had cool stories and shit about doing meth, but I don't want to do this. And look, like, I've been jacking off to this woman since I was like 13. It's like a MILF porn star. Like, I gave. What's her name? I can't do this. Yes, you can. She's a fucking porn star. I can't. Listen, she's my friend. She's my friend. And look, we were both drunk. Oh, God. It was Alexis Fong. Okay. And look, my family computer got six diseases from LimeWire. We went through six family computers. And like Windows 98 never stood a damn chance. You know what I'm talking about? And look, and look.

1:08:23And look, I know everything she liked. And then like one night we're drunk. And she's like, you'll come back to my hotel? And I say, yes. And she's like, we're getting ready to fuck. and I get in the bathroom, I splash water in my face and I'm like, welcome to the show. And I'm throwing a kitchen sink at her and I'm not making a dent. Not making a dent. When you mean kitchen sink, you mean your penis? Yeah. I've been doing so much cocaine, it looks like a belly button. It's like a wheelbarrow with rope handles. I'm like, where do I put this? And I'm in there and I'm just like, fuck! And I just fake cum because I'm tired, you know?

1:09:03And I roll over. And I swear to God, my mom, you know my mom, Lennie, right? Yeah. And look, my mom, she fucked all the Metallica, OK? She built Ford Tough, OK? She had a landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I got the haircut. You know what I'm talking about? And look, and she calls me. She calls me, like, on my way home. And I left in the morning. And she goes, what's wrong? You know, we're talking about finances because my granddaddy just died. And she's like, what's wrong? I said, well, I fucked this porn star. And she's like, how was it? And I go, it was mid. I did, you know.

1:09:31And she's like, and without skipping a beat, my mom goes, well, baby, it was her day off. That is true. Yep. Never fuck your heroes, I guess. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

1:09:45I've seen your penis on the internet. It was, yeah, well. You had sex on the internet before. Well, don't do that. It's not exactly a kitchen sink, is it? No. That's a half bath sink right there. There's a sink in my food. No, when it came out on the Twitter, I was like, whose dick is that? That's not my dick, you know? Whose baby dick is that? It's fine. Right. Yeah. I just don't know if you would call it a kitchen sink exactly.

1:10:10Brian Redban:Bathroom sink, bird bath. I mean, there's a lot of smaller receptacles. Yeah. Yeah. It's something you would put a betta fish in, perhaps. Whoa, like a koi fish? No, not a koi fish. That's a whole different thing. No, that would be the opposite. it. A tiny tank. A small receptacle. Remember a little huggy? No. Not that kind of huggy. Okay, Uncle Laser. Are you gaining weight? The world wants to know. Red Band actually asked me. The guy that's gaining weight asked me if I'm gaining weight? No. Come on, man. I'm training for a fight. I'm sober right now. You're literally not sober. I'm not sober.

1:10:50I'm not. I'm not. You can all tell you're not sober. I've been watching a lot of YouTube DUI videos lately. I love watching people. Everybody lies on them. It's not even live, though. It's pre-taped. It is true.

1:11:07Brian Redban:Laser, fun times. You did it again. Fun set. You did it. Thank you, guys. Uncle Laser, ladies and gentlemen.

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1:12:32And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Johnny Tidges. I do believe the name is.

1:12:48Hey, I'm Johnny Tidges. This is my first time doing stand-up. I thought it was pretty cool when Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. But I thought it would be cooler if he wanted a gay, sex-filled bender instead and then gave the Emancipation Proclamation. And it went a little something like, Four whores and seven queers ago, I came forth on this gray nation. And last night I came forth in three men. speaking of slavery june teeth wasn't uh that far back at this point but what i can say is i hadn't been with a black girl before and uh i didn't really want to um but i still have standards obviously so i thought at the the very least i could get with a section eight out of ten

1:13:43you know um gay people and obese people have a lot more in common than you think you know it's uh they're both go ahead i want to hear the end of this they both have huge assholes or something what were you going to say there well yes they are assholes but um no what i was going to say is that they're both a little bit more on the feminine side. Usually the first person to judge when they walk into a room. But I will say the only real difference is that obese people already look like they have somebody in them. Gay people actually have somebody in them. Got it, got it, got it. Okay, Johnny's first time, everybody.

1:14:28Brian Redban:Welcome, Johnny. There he is. Thank you, thank you. Welcome, Johnny. How old are you? I'm 22. 22 years old. That's an age to start. There you are. What have you been doing up until this point? A lot of different things. I spent most of my life growing up in the service industry. My family does weddings back in Virginia. So I started working when I was like 11 years old, I think. From there, a lot of service industry, more serving tables, did door-to-door sales. And now in Austin, I do tech sales. Okay. Very interesting. And how about with your normal life? What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy you like to parkour or something.

1:15:04Fuck. Fuck. No, no. Not my kind of obstacle. I like a lot of golf. I obviously like comedy. I watch a lot of Kill Tony. My free time. I like to hit the bars out here in Austin. Love a good time. I like the Betty a lot.

1:15:21Brian Redban:What do you do at the bars? Explain to us what a guy like you does at the bar. Because I just picture you sitting there kind of being creepy. You know, believe it or not, I have friends. So, like, usually go out with the friends, try to pull chicks. Relatively successful sometimes. Really? Believe it or not, yeah. Sometimes the girls like the skinny guy, the small penis and the long hair. Liars! Ooh, John Deez on the sound effects while Red Band's going pee-pee. Look at that. You seem like such a sweet boy that's trying to be such a bad boy. I know. You want to find out? You look like the girl that looks like Jim Carrey.

1:16:00You know what I mean? Yeah. There is that comedian. Not even him. Yeah. He looks like the girl that looks like him. Yeah. You got a very sweet, you have like, I would say, can I give you a couple tips? Absolutely. Stand-up wise. I would say you got to move the mic stand. You can see the cords taut underneath it. It's limited in your space. But also get rid of any barriers. And then also keep your shoulders up, head up. Okay. Looking down for the punchlines makes them think you're not confident in your punchlines when you have to be up and out. Like, try doing it that way, and you'll get a bigger response on those.

1:16:30Thank you. That's awesome. No problem. I love you. Yeah, absolutely. It was great advice. You were looking way down. For the first time, not bad, though.

1:16:38Brian Redban:You remembered your stuff. You knew what you kind of wanted to get to. I agree that you seem like you're trying to be, like, naughty up here. Let's find out some authentic things that are funny about you. Like, what's a normal just day without trying to be funny? Take us through your actual life. because it seems like even when I ask you a question, you're like, yeah, I just like going to bars, picking up chicks. No one really believes that. That is fair. That is totally fair. Tell us some vulnerable things about you. Let's get to it. You want to get into the family? I have five older siblings.

1:17:10I'm the youngest of six. I don't know if there's anything there. No, there's not. Not anything there.

1:17:18Brian Redban:It's fucking fly. Oh, my God. It's like it knows. It's like it knows my range. Oh, so fucking close. Keep going. We're trying to kill a fly, buddy. I'm giving you a lot of time to think here. You kill that fly. You're the youngest of six. You can keep going. What do you do? So what time do you wake up? I'm usually like a 6.45, 7 a.m. Okay. What exactly do you do? Take us through your fucking day. Oh, dude, right now, I mean, like, I'm in tech sales. So, like, you wake up, don't really want to go to work, procrastinate a little bit, getting out of bed, then pretty much just go straight to work and then get right into it.

1:17:55start cold calling that's pretty much the day today you just said nothing yeah i asked you what

1:18:00Brian Redban:you do you said well i don't want to go to work and then i go to work what like but like what's the first thing you do when you get out of bed go take a shower okay tell us about that what do you do in the shower yeah tell us right now i'm in the process of moving so i just moved over to a shithole in east austin and uh i thought it wasn't what do you have in your shower are you one of those 10-in-1 body wash guys? No, no. I usually go, lately I've been using some Dr. Squatch for the body soap. Loofah? Loofah? No loofah. I know I'm a washcloth guy. I know I'm a washcloth guy. Wow. How often do you interchange your washcloth?

1:18:38That is a completely fair question. Not as much as I should. Probably every three weeks, two and a half weeks.

1:18:43Brian Redban:See? Look at you now. One second, you're going, what is Tony doing with these fucking questions. And the next, you're going, I'm so entertained. Three weeks is nuts, sir. I'm sorry. How many different washcloths do you have? One. Oh, my God. Can you believe this? Ladies and gentlemen, that is the craziest answer I've ever imagined in my entire life. And you know he's lying. That's like three months, I bet. You're 22, buddy. You're doing fine. Thank you. I thought three weeks was good. I didn't know you were supposed to wash towels until I was like 30. I thought it was cleaning I'm clean How often do you wash your sheets?

1:19:23How often do I wash sheets? What's a good answer to that, guys? My wife watches our sheets I would say once a week Yeah Yeah, or else she gets it No, I'm kidding That's every two weeks I don't know, I've been here too long

1:19:36Brian Redban:Okay Johnny, you have wacky parents or anything? Is there anything about you at all? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah My parents are very wacky My dad's super, super, super conservative Do you want to hear like Tell us about that Yeah, I'll definitely tell you about that. So I'm from Northern Virginia. So there was this big deal back during COVID. Essentially, this girl got raped by a trans guy in the bathroom at one of our local public schools. Right? And then the person that raped her got transferred to another school in the same district.

1:20:12Talk about a solution, you know? and then essentially imagine parents were actually pissed believe it or not so there was a big school board meeting and in the middle of it they declared it illegal trespassing and my dad his plumber was the my dad and his plumber who was the daughter of the first girl that got raped were like we're not fucking leaving and they both got arrested and made national news they got driven around the block in a paddy wagon and then just pretty much dropped off nothing really happened except for the charge and everything you know getting arrested so it took him like three and a half years to get pardoned and uh your dad yeah so he went on he got pardoned he got pardoned finally by the president no no i wish but no he um he's gonna take the win i guess yeah we just said we can't make him get in virginia you know imagine he tells his son i got pardoned son and his son's like yeah but from who No, it was, I think his name's Greg Abbott or some shit, governor of Virginia.

1:21:15Yeah, that makes sense. He has a wheelchair that goes 60 miles an hour. Here's a medium-sized joke book since it was your first time. There goes Johnny, everybody. All right. Let's keep it moving along here.

1:21:32Back to the bucket we go one more time. Is he ready? We're good for him? You know what? Let's get a regular up here. Ladies and gentlemen, you know this guy. You love him. This is a brand new Minute Plus from the former dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. And now, the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

1:21:57Yeah. Do y 'all remember when science was sexy? like do y 'all remember when like the sexiest thing you could be was like an astronaut or y 'all remember when like when like y 'all remember when like bill nye was getting the most pussy in america like even your girl now like so you with your girl and bill nye show up you like get that some pussy he taught me about beakers and in geometry that nigga really helped me out Science used to be sexy, and then we all got our feelings hurt because we spent all this money to go to the moon only to find out the moon wasn't made out of cheese. Right? Because that's, oh, I'm the only nigga that thought that the moon was made out of cheese.

1:22:44So, sir, your grandpa didn't come to you, and he was like, the moon's made out of cheese, and every night God take a little nibble out of the moon, and that's why it go from waxing to crescent to new moon, right? So I was the only nigga that... If we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese, then why we put a flag in it? All right? Why we put a flag in it if we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese? If we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese, then why we send three white guys up there? Three white guys love cheese. You don't even got to know each other. You just put some cheese together.

1:23:19Yeah, these three white guys. Put cheese, y 'all niggas' best friends.

1:23:28the only people who like geez more to three white guys is three white women but we weren't sending them up there like you know i don't even know if they can drive then like you know i'm saying i don't i don't i don't know what the laws was i wasn't born but i we could send them up there then we sent buzz aldridge that nigga got off the plane and he licked the rocket he was like ugh, right? And now we don't give a fuck about the moon, right? We don't give a fuck about going to space. Every year, they, like, we going to Mars. Don't nobody give a fuck. We like, nigga, I ain't never seen red cheese.

1:24:01You know what I'm saying? Like, that shit was, because we wanted to go mind the moon, right? Could you picture we had found cheese on the moon, nigga? We would have been stealing every planet moon. Like, nigga, we would have took all eight moons on Saturn, nigga. I learned that from Bill Nye. That's my time. I love y 'all. Boom. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. I love you. Two and a half minutes all on moon cheese, everybody. That's how it's done. You gotta get that space charcuterie, Tony. Oh my goodness. First of all, I'm lactose intolerant, so... You wouldn't know, you ain't never had moon cheese.

1:24:40That's true.

1:24:41Brian Redban:Uh-huh. That moon cheese. The texture alone, it is incredible. Yeah, there's a lot there, Nedrick. You did it. The sexy scientist stuff, the beaker stuff, and then straight into moon cheese. How's life been going? Good, man. Just touring. I just did some sold-out shows in Tampa, Florida. Nice. Prepping for this special coming out and prepping for going to Madison Square Garden. I haven't been the fucking time of my life. I'm in the groove right now. I love it. Tampa's a crazy place, huh? Did you have fun out there? Oh, yeah. I've been going. It was crazy because that was the first time I ever headlined there, but I've been going there for like 11 years.

1:25:21So just getting to see all the people who've already been there, because they've been going for like 33 years, and they have some of the same staff every time you come. So they were like, we've been waiting, and then I got my headshot put up for it being one of my home clubs and me doing over like 20 shows over there. But that was the first time I ever headlined and it's selling out. So it was like, it's a big dream come true. I love it. I love it. I love it. Did I see you were in a music video or something like that? Yeah, I've been in a lot of music videos.

1:25:55Brian Redban:Pretty sure I saw you in some of MC Hammer's recent work. Yeah, yeah.

1:26:03Brian Redban:A lot of MC Hammer. Yeah, no, those are like old ones, like if my friends were in bands and stuff, and then that was a band that I used to be a drummer in, but then I was like started doing comedy full time and touring on that, so you can't be like in a band and do that wait you're a drummer why haven't you done a mexican drummer because i couldn't win you play the drums yeah we didn't know this yeah well because i i i was homeless so like i ain't been able to practice you know i'm saying you can't get a drum sitting there hey mike can you just have my side for like two seconds like you could you could have been like nah he ain't ready you can't just let me i just got out of jail i got back let me fucking get let me get my rolls i got my i got my drum set up in my apartment how about like in a month we can practice together then we can do it and we'll do it on killton we have a mexican drum off because i'm texan now so that means i'm part mexican i love it absolutely uh dedrick you are amazing you are a breath of fresh air always so fun to watch you grow and expand the length of your set here live on Kill Tony.

1:27:09Brian Redban:Yeah. I love y 'all. Thank y 'all so much. Thank y 'all for having me. Let's go on MSG. Let's go on to Vegas. New Year's Eve. Watch the playback of MSG. Two episodes available right now. Killtonylive.com. Okay. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun name to me. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen. for Ray Ray. Here we go.

1:27:41Kill Tony, Austin, Texas. Look at all these beautiful white people in here. It is safe for me to assume that some of you are vegetarians. It's all right. You know, vegetarians got their own language. You know what I mean? Tofurky this, impossible meat that, faking. I don't understand. If vegetables taste so good, then why you keep trying to make things say it's okay why you keep trying to make things plant-based you know i mean but listen i get it i digress all right if we call that vegetarians why don't we call jeffrey dahmer a humanitarian

1:28:18it's just food for thought it's just too for thought okay but now white people are amazing dog owners you know i mean y 'all be like reading the ingredients on dog food and shit. Y 'all be taking y 'all dogs to the vet? Damn! If you see a black person at a vet, I'm telling you right now, he's a drug dealer.

1:28:45You know what else is good with dogs? Like, homeless people. Homeless people are amazing with dogs. You see them on the side of the road, they're like, you know what? I will do anything for food. And I'm just like...

1:28:59Brian Redban:there you go ray ray did all your time there i actually like that joke of all the homeless dog jokes there thank you um that was funny that's the funniest one i think i've ever heard and i see homeless people with dogs a lot i've seen black men homeless black men with a white woman and a dog a lot. It's a thing happening here in Austin, I can admit. I'm always on the defense of Austin. There's not a lot of homeless people. I've been doing some driving lately. Yeah. I would say the homeless here are a little more like Tasmanian devilish than everywhere else. There's no shoes. You know what I mean?

1:29:44They spin a lot. You guys have some fucking dancing homeless out here. It's wild. Got him. I got his ass. Put him on there. You got it? You got it? Where'd the corpse go? Is it in your drink? Get the corpse. The cancer guy just ate it, but I got that motherfucker. Oh, he dead. He dead. Okay. That was funny, man. The first joke was funny, too. I liked it. It's just that there was some stumbling in there. There was. Yeah, there was so many white... He was talking about moon cheese, right? I'm kidding. Hey, yo! It was the last guy. Yo! Yo! Don't you look at me, MC Hammer. Yo! All right, let's talk about it.

1:30:22Ray Ray, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since 2021.

1:30:25Brian Redban:2021. There you go, about five years. Where at? What part of Atlanta? Part of Atlanta. No, I'm kidding. Where are you from? Houston? No, I'm from California, but I started out in Manhattan and then went to Vegas. Oh, sweet. Awesome. How long have you been in Austin? I moved here Mother's Day. Oh, nice. Look at that. How come not Father's Day? Not that close with your father? What is that?

1:30:50They have a date? Yeah, it's Halloween because he ghosted you. Facts.

1:30:59Yeah!

1:31:04Red Band, where's your sound effect for killing? Go back up. It's up here. I know where it is. Here we go. Wow. Yeah, that was good. Red Band. We have pure momentum. Red Band's killing. The fly is dead. Wow, we are cooking up here.

1:31:23Brian Redban:My goodness, I'm so proud of you, poof.

1:31:31Brian Redban:Oh, my goodness. So, Ray Ray, what do you do for work? Work at a restaurant at the Westlake Country Club. Shout out to the Westlake Country Club. Oh, hell yeah. I love it. That's a fancy country club, right? Yeah, it's pretty fancy. What exactly do you do there? Nothing, really. Wow, perfect. Well, you know, I do prep and wash dishes and shit like that. but think of jokes. Hell yeah. That's a good gig. That's a great gig. Daytime, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Yep. For a comedian, that's exactly what you need is a good fucking well-paying day job. Seriously. Yeah, that's it. A lot of guys out there sleeping in their cars, shouts at them.

1:32:06Brian Redban:Yeah. And you have your own little studio apartment? Oh, yes. Little own studio apartment. That's good. Yeah, that's all I need. In this economy, the strongest economy in the world, that's good. Seriously. Thanks. I love it. And what do you have in your shower? I've been asking people this today. Some people use a 10-in-1. Some people have a loofah. Some people have a washcloth. Some people go straight soap. What's your setup? You know, just whatever they can get at the dollar store. You know what I'm saying? But what do you have right now? If we were to truly take a reality show crew to your place and storm the gates and not let you go in the bathroom first, what exactly would we find in your shower right now?

1:32:47Black eyes don't use washcloth. A bonnet. A bonnet? Really? No. Oh, okay. He's just answering what you think you want to hear. Right. I'm like a bonnet, some fried chicken bones. Okay. Watermelon rinds.

1:33:01Brian Redban:Wow. Wow. This is my entire... Somebody else's ID. Wow. Oh, Ray Ray, you cray cray. Hey, I'll take it. Wow. Amazing. You're not going to give me a real answer about what's in your shower? Honestly, really, I'm pretty simple. It's just like some body wash and a little wash rag. How about your fridge? Craziest thing we'd find in your fridge if we looked right now. True answer. Don't be silly now. Okay. Honestly, a true answer would be my rotten fucking ribeye steak. You have a rotten ribeye steak? Yeah, the fucking electricity went off for two days the other day. Oh, damn. That sucks. So there's rotten ribeye steak in there.

1:33:43Damn. I should probably take it out.

1:33:45Brian Redban:Damn. Amazing. Ray Ray, what's your love life like? Um, it's like, uh, I'm in the male loneliness epidemic right now. It's real. Why is that? You're a good looking guy. I like money. Okay. So with no girl, you have more money. Right. Got it. Or you can make more money to offset the girl. It's not that easy. It's not that easy. It's not that easy. Senior lonely correspondent Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. It's not that easy. Have you thought about finding a girl that makes money? That's easy to do. Good idea. Nah, I'm alright. Alright. So you gay? No, I just... Don't you do that. Don't you call Ray Ray gay gay.

1:34:33Seriously.

1:34:36Brian Redban:Yeah, the only thing with Ray Gay is music. Hello, that's what I'm saying. So Ray Ray, when's the last time you were with a woman? Oh shit, probably just a couple weeks ago actually. Okay, where'd you meet her at? How does a night like that happen? Take us through it. I met her on Facebook dating. Okay. She wanted to go kayaking like all the other white girls. Oh, my goodness. And you agreed to that? Fuck no. Right. No. Hell no. You're like, why don't we hang out at the dock? Yeah. Seriously. I can barbecue there. Okay. So what'd you guys end up doing? She wanted to go kayaking. We know that you're not into that.

1:35:13No. We went to the bar. We were hanging out. Things were good. we're making out we go back to my house we're making out more yes she ended up going down on me oh and then she had a seizure oh my god well how did that feel well i'm telling you she died down on it it felt amazing but i mean yeah she had she had a seizure it turns out she had a nut allergy you're joking that's a joke ray ray ray are you That's Ray Ray. That is so Ray Ray. It is. Ray Ray.

1:35:56Brian Redban:Ray Ray. Don't we do this every day. I work them long nights. Long nights to get a payday. Finally got paid. Now I need shade. Finally got paid. Now I need shade and a vacay. All these haters hating so much hate. I need an AK. Did you know that? Bars. MC Hammer? I'm a big MC Hammer fan. Bars. So none of that was real. She didn't have a seizure. No, she did not have a seizure at all. I was just kidding. No, things were great. Okay, wow. We went a long way there. Yeah, we started in. At least the fly is dead. Ray Ray, what type of woman are you into? Can you describe the thick white woman that you're...

1:36:39that you're um respect respectful uh physically physical like what what's your are you in the

1:36:48Brian Redban:latinas asian girl yeah i like latinas but what's your i just said that as an example like what's your main pick it's basically like what do you have yeah what are we working with here you don't have a favorite um not necessarily to be honest like you know there's so many beautiful women in so many different textures. I've been to Denmark and fucking... Well, good news. You just pissed off all the black women watching. Yeah, well, yeah. All four black women that are fans of this show just turned it off. They don't want me. I'm a fucking dishwasher, bro. Right. No black woman. You just won them back.

1:37:23There you go.

1:37:25Brian Redban:All right. Ray Ray, fun times. Here is a big joke book. Oh, thanks. There you go. Ray Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you guys so much. I don't even remember the set to be honest with you I'm just giving him a big joke book in case he ever sees me on the streets

1:37:43thank you Ray Ray hell yeah one more time for Ray Ray back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen we're flying through it tonight make some noise for your next bucket pool it's Daniel Van Tassel everybody

1:38:01thank you all so much I've tried to kill myself three times. That guy's like, do it one more time. It'll take. But yeah, I've tried to kill myself three times. One time I was standing on the edge of a bridge and I just, I hated myself. I hated my life. I didn't want to live anymore. But the real reason I was on that bridge was to prove that white man can jump. I say three times, but it's weird that it didn't take because my mom told me third time's the charm. I'll get that bitch back with lucky number seven. I started doing jujitsu recently, and something I've noticed is that black guys really like grappling with white people.

1:38:49There's just something that comes across, there's a smile that comes across their face when they start choking you and locking you up. It's like reparations is happening right then and there. All right, that's my time.

1:39:05Brian Redban:Okay. Daniel Van Tassel. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Awesome. What do you do for work? Just door dashing right now. What else have you done? Like, have you ever heard of Fiverr? It's like an app. People hire you to put up shelves, do random shit like that. What's the weirdest Fiverr you ever had? um well an old lady was like kind of trying to hit on me while i was putting together her dresser nice that was pretty fucking weird hell yeah yeah and she was like 80 oh wow what was she saying uh she was like oh wow you're so strong look at those muscles and tattoos hell yeah yeah it was fucking weird and she wore a robe yeah and like little parts of it were like kind of slipping a bit.

1:39:55Like the nipples? Yeah. Oh my god. Her nipple was all the way down to her fucking pussies. Nice. I love it. Her nipple looked like it jumped off the bridge.

1:40:06Brian Redban:You really tried to kill yourself three times? Yeah. Once was off of a bridge? Yeah. Which bridge? I was in Vegas. What bridge? Walking? Like over the street? Yeah. The crosswalk bridge? No. Tell us the exact bridge so it was a bridge on fortapatt you don't know the name of the bridge that you jumped off of bridge i didn't jump off of it oh yeah i almost did i guess that's not really did somebody save you off or like well i was just like being a about it and just like standing there but then they it's over a highway so i guess we've all almost jumped off of a bridge yep that's that's not jumping is yeah basically not a suicide attempt but all right but you were really kicking it around?

1:40:53Yeah.

1:40:54Brian Redban:Okay. How about the other two times? I took a bunch of pills. Which pills? Xanax. Oh, wow. How did that end up going for you? I just threw them up on my bed. So, like, I didn't kill myself and then I had to clean up my bed. Right. That fucking sucked, dude. Yeah. You had even one more reason to kill yourself after that. Exactly. It's like, ah, my bed's a fucking mess. Now I really want to end it. Okay. How about the third time? That was pills as well. What pills were those? That was Xanax and... Was it Tums after you had an upset belly after trying the Xanax? It was Xanax and Percocet. Oh, wow.

1:41:35Brian Redban:And what happened that time? You puke again? Same thing. Wow. God just wants me here for some reason, I guess. Well, let me ask you this. No, no, no. It looked like I was like, he doesn't, and let me tell you what. No, I was going to ask you, how often do you do this? How often are you doing stand-up? Stand-up? So I've been taking kind of a break. Just like I've been really depressed recently. Yeah. I've been trying. I've been getting a little bit. So if you were to say in a month, how often are you dropping on stage? In a month, probably like seven or eight times. Okay. You know you need to do more, right?

1:42:11Yes, absolutely. It's hard to do that when you're not feeling mentally well and all that shit. But I would say it's a tough open with that subject. And I think it's important if you want to talk about it, but save it till they're like, ha ha ha. Okay. You know? Wait till they're like, this guy's great. What about this? Kill to him? Oh, fuck. You know? Like, it is. But don't take the title seriously. You know? I got you. You don't have to talk about that. I would say open up a little bit lighter. Talk about you seem like a nice guy. Give us a reason to like you in the beginning. I got you. And then talk about...

1:42:39I was going for pity laughs. You're going for pity laughs. You got a cute look. You look like if someone plucked a hair off of Joe Rogan's arm and then grew it in the Texas soil and they were like, we should have let it grow a little bit more.

1:42:57Brian Redban:Just a reminder, if anybody's ever having thoughts to go to BetterHelp.com and use the promo code Kill Tony. Daniel Van Tassel, tell us something else interesting about your life. What kind of hobbies or special skills or talents do you have? Hobbies. I just do jujitsu. I like to go out a lot. I've been hitting Barton Springs pool for the most part all summer. That place fucking rules. Okay. You know, random shit like that. I'm not art creative. I don't draw or shit like that. Yeah. What's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? I kind of have a situationship going on. Tell us about that. What does that mean?

1:43:37We don't have labels and we can fuck other people. but like we kind of really stick with each other. Like we actually hang out and go do shit while other people we just like bang. Who's winning though? She's winning. She is. Yeah. It's infinitely easier for her. Yeah. I did that. I did an open relationship for a minute. My girl kicked my ass. It was all Australians and that fucks with you. All the guys she bangs were Australian because they come to New York and they have sex with everybody and it's always my girlfriend. They put it. Wow. Wow. Isn't that interesting? They put a shrimp on her Barbie.

1:44:13Shut up. Yeah. What a bully. You're a bully, Daniel Van Tassel. Fuck, you'd kill yourself. That was good. Good job. Thank you. I'm taller than you. Most everyone is, yeah.

1:44:29Brian Redban:Fun times, Daniel. Congratulate. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Very nice. Sign up again sometime. Daniel Van Tassel, everybody. All right, another bucket pool. We know this young lady. She is very funny. She's famously been on this show before, made a huge impact, is now a regular here at the Mothership and a full-time employee. Her life changed from being here in Austin, Texas. Very funny lady. This is a brand new minute from the great Annie Teicher, everybody. Thank you.

1:45:07All my friends are getting married, having kids. I feel behind. I've always been behind. I remember when I was 14 and I hadn't gotten my period yet, I would just pretend, walk out of the bathroom at school like, do not go in there, I just did a big period.

1:45:32yeah last one of my friends to get my period last one of my friends to kiss a boy he was 16 and guess who can't coach soccer anymore

1:45:50yeah you know when i was when i was in school the boys were mean except one who told me to call him when my tits come in and i think i'm gonna do it

1:46:11wow wow very funny annie is funny and you're back again welcome annie how's life going it's great it's great i work here sat these people here you did tonight this room amazing

1:46:28Brian Redban:I love it when that happens That's wild How long have you worked here again? I've worked here since November How long have you been doing stand-up? A year and a half And this is your only job working here and doing stand-up? It is, I quit my job, my other job I was a golf professional That's right, I remember that Wow, a year and a half for real? That's insane I want that joke with the waiting for your tits to come in I don't think I wrote a joke that good for like three years That's amazing And your mannerisms like you don't realize how much they add like when you're a 16 year old and when you went like that that added so much comedic effect yeah that's natural that's so good for you good job yeah true yeah she's got it very famously i asked her a year and a half ago i do believe it was what the whitest or blackest thing about her is and she said uh that she shops at ross and the place went crazy and then i asked right what's the most latino thing about you and she said that she draws on her own eyebrows and again these were just like in the moment lobs that she knocked out of the park extreme natural talent that only goes one direction and i completely agree with jeff i mean you fly off the page for a year and a half in how's the rest of your life going uh that's pretty bland um the rest is still unremarkable um really uh but i love doing comedy what's your living situation you live by yourself i live by myself and uh what's in your shower anything crazy oh this was this is something from earlier okay yeah we've i've been asking people tonight you're the first female that i've asked because it's kind of a crazy question but what's in your shower just a shampoo and a bar of soap or whatever looking for i'm gonna eventually what are you looking for washcloth loofah like what are you doing in there oh you're a loofah city

1:48:28pardon you are a lady of the loofah am i correct or are you a washcloth gal i am Do you know what a loofah is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't... Yes. Yes. Perfect answer. What's that all about? Why are you shy about talking about women in your show? I'm just shy. I'm shy. You don't use anything. You just use soap? I use soap. You just go straight soap off your hand? What is this? No. It does feel weird. The only woman we're asking is like, hey, chill, dude. Yeah. What is this? I guess it is kind of a crazy question, but whatever.

1:49:12Brian Redban:I love it. Annie, what is, what scares you? What are you afraid of in this crazy world? What scares you? Is there something that scares you? It's got to be something. You're looking at me like it's just straight up black people. You keep going. Yeah.

1:49:44General violence. General violence. Yes. One of the lieutenants of our great army. I'm General Violence.

1:49:53Brian Redban:I'm going to have you motherfuckers doing a thousand push-ups a day. Goddamn welcome. I am General Violence. You will refer to me as General Violence. or the name matches my routine. That's right. General violence. Have you witnessed violence? Do you remember a moment where you saw some violence that maybe made you... You know, this won't surprise you, but I haven't. Really? Oh. Well, let's get her some violence, guys. Yeah. You haven't seen it out on 6th Street? You never saw a street fight or anything like that? They keep me inside. Yeah. She's like a tuxedo cat. She's a house mothership employee.

1:50:34We keep the ruggeds on the outside. And the sweet little Annie Teichers inside. She's an indoor cat. Do you get diarrhea a lot?

1:50:45Brian Redban:Red band. Now, see, there I am, trying to be a professional, hosting a real show, and then you pull a real poof, and you take it too far, and it's out of control. Do you get diarrhea sometimes? I do. I'll tell you. Your turn. I'm just kidding, Annie. You don't have to answer that. Give us one wacky fun fact about your life, Annie, that would surprise us. Just tell us something and then... I was suspended in first grade. Oh, my goodness. Was it violence? It wasn't violence, no. What was it? I made a toilet out of snow during recess, and then I made the kids use it. Wow. Wow. Thank you. Oh, my. I feel like this shouldn't matter, but did you use it also?

1:51:41Oh, that's weird. I just ran this. You built it for them, and you're like, have at it. I won't, but... That's incredible.

1:51:49Brian Redban:That's actually very adorable. That's kind of sweet. Here's a toilet. Use it. Red Band would have taken a shit in it. blatantly for peeing and he would have just fucking, he would have just sat on it. Did they poop in there? Any of them poop in there? Yeah. Really? So I got sent home. Wow. You liked that, didn't you? You liked seeing other kids poop, huh? At the time, yeah, I must have. Red band. Poof. Alright. Annie, you are just fantastic. We love you here. Truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. She's here at the mothership all the time, crushing on actual lineups with the big kids.

1:52:32Only a year and a half in on real lineups. Look at this illegal immigrant taking the weirdest way possible to get out of here. Alright. We having fun out there? This is our last bucket pool of the night everybody. Right? Yeah. Alright. Make some noise ladies and gentlemen for Blazing Nana, everybody. Blazing Nana.

1:52:58Y 'all, I started dating again, and I've discovered a few things. I love big dick energy on a little dick man. I mean, I want all that same swagger and confidence without the blunt force trauma to my swimsuit area. And pickings are slim at my age. The best ones are already taken. and the rest of them, dead half the time in their swimsuit area. I know you guys call that whiskey dick. Tastes nothing like whiskey. Oh, and I have dated a couple of the old guys on the boner pills. Oh, yeah. Those guys, they're really easy to find over on, like, silver singles in our time. Those are the apps the old folks used to screw.

1:53:50and I can always tell who's taking them pills. I know what I look like completely naked. If a 63-year-old man marches in my room, soldier at the ready, I didn't make him pop that boner. He popped a pill. Ooh, and it could be fun. If he got it at CBS, hell yes. Texaco is a no bueno. Anyway, thank you so much.

1:54:12Brian Redban:All right, Blazing Nana, everyone. You've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, it was a year ago. Okay, well, welcome back, Blazing Anna. Thank you. Welcome, welcome. Jeff, what did you think about that performance? It was fun. I see you have a lot of tattoos. What did they used to be? These tattoos. I was worried about that one. That was nice. That was nice. Honey, these tattoos are older than you are. I bet. Yeah. I bet. Those things are more faded than Uncle Lazer. You're probably like 43, 44. Oh, I'm 43, 44. Thank you, bitch. Am I right? I said 38 earlier, and I was pretty confident about it.

1:54:51Ha, ha, ha. You know, it's a beautiful hair. Ha, ha. God, I love it.

1:54:57Brian Redban:Yeah, I started it. I deserve it. You're beautiful. You are. Blazing Nana. How long have you been doing stand-up Blazing Nana? I started in 2019, and then the pandemic hit in the Bay Area, and California locked us up, like, bad. Yes, they did. And then I had two really major surgeries. The first one was abdominal surgery. I've lost a lot of weight. I had skin taken off. But then I had all my top teeth removed. Oh, shit. Why? I had to learn how to talk with something hard in my mouth, which I'm not used to doing. You know what I'm saying? So I had to learn how to talk with dentures, and it's been really crazy.

1:55:35Okay. So why did they take all of your top teeth out? Because they were really, really bad from getting punched in the head. I told you a year ago you probably forgot. I am a victim and a survivor of domestic violence and I'm here and now I can laugh about it

1:55:54Brian Redban:you lost all the weight after you left that guy? yeah I did I mean if you would have done it a little bit sooner I mean you could have avoided all the yeah maybe maybe still yapping hey since you're being ornery I want to play Hey Nano know what's in the fanny pack well let's do it come on i mean because i have been hanging on to this i haven't been pulled for you i know you lost all that weight and now you have it attached to you i have remotely by but i have it attached for a reason because i got you something oh my goodness your birthday a long time ago i love it first of all this is a chrome q holder for your chalk when you shoot oh that's very sweet nice thank you i actually will and then this is something that I thought you might like.

1:56:43I didn't know if you had one because you're the golden pony but now you're a tix and so you're the golden tix and I got you a nice belt buckle. That's a little longhorn there. We have an American

1:56:54Brian Redban:flag. Look at that. I don't know where I could possibly get one like it. But it's great to have another one. I have a few of them. It's a spare. I do have a belt buckle collection. Somehow it's started. It has begun. I had one more thing. That's what I would answer if I was an interviewee on this show. I go, I have a belt buckle collection. And then everyone would call me Uncle Laser's favorite word, and then we would move on. Thank you for this belt buckle. That's very sweet. Anything else in there? What else you got? I was going to ask you if I could smoke with you all. Nope. You can't. I promise you, you can't.

1:57:29Okay. We can't have you fucking pulling a heart attack up here and then your family tries to sue us and Joe Rogan, because they would. I know you would. It's not a cigarette. Nope, you can't. Okay, never mind. I was going to ask if I could hang out and smoke with you guys, but that's okay. No, that's all I had was that in there, and that's about it.

1:57:47Brian Redban:I love it. Blazing Nana, give us one more little fun fact about your life. You seem like you've seen a lot. You seem like you are the type of lady that back in the day used to shut down a dive bar. You would be at that jukebox playing the best of the Eagles till late at night. But I will tell you that I am a call-in personality on the number one morning show in San Francisco for 11 years now. Whoa. 1077 The Bone, KSAN San Francisco for 11 years. Yes, I'm that Blazin' Nana from The Bone. So I'm kind of famous back there, but not here. Wow. So when I was doing stand-up in the Bay Area, I was giving my government name.

1:58:30because I didn't want to get preference because I'm Blazin' Anna from the radio station. Got it. You know what I mean? And then I came here, and no one knows who the hell I am anyway, so it doesn't even matter, but I love it. It's all good.

1:58:44Brian Redban:How about now? What type of fun are you having in life now? I retired to do comedy. I couldn't afford to do it in the Bay Area anymore, so I sold everything that I could, my car and everything else. What kind of car was it? It was a 2001 Mitsubishi Mirage jalopy with 200 ,000 miles on it. But it was my puddle jumper. She got me from show to show, and I loved it. And so I haven't had a car for over a year now, and my neighbor is selling me a car. I don't know if you're allowed to call them puddle jumpers anymore, by the way. I think you have to call them... I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. We have a lot of potholes and puddles.

1:59:21Oh, I thought you were talking about Mexicans. Okay. Oh, my God. We're having fun here. We're having puddle jumpers.

1:59:28Brian Redban:Blazing and Anna, when's the last time you had sexual intercourse with a man? It was about two years ago. It wasn't good. So if you want to know when's the last time I had good sex, it was about eight years ago. OK. Yeah. That was a black man. No, I only date little dick guys. I have a brand new vagina. I had clam cancer, the cervical cancer. Whoa. You have a brand new vagina. Yeah. And I lost my fupa when I had my surgery. So I have a brand new meow down here. Wow. So I only date little dick guys. Wow. Holy shit. Very exciting. Hey, Raul. Wow.

2:00:14Wait, what did I miss over there? I've been telling him for a year. I'm going to turn around and say, hey, Raul, to you for a year. I've been telling him I was going to do that when I got pulled. Whoa, Raul Vallejo. Look at that. Oh, my God. He told us he had a big dick. Wow. Oh, I don't know him that way. I just wanted to say hi to him. I have been teasing him for a year. I'm going to get on stage and turn around and say, hey, Raul, and I finally got to do it. Amazing. She's going to turn your trombone into a trauma bone. That's exciting. Hey, wait, wait. Do you see his lips? Okay. Relax, Blazing Nana.

2:00:52Jesus Christ. I'm like your pussy because I'm scarred for life.

2:01:00Blazing Nana, you're a sweet lady. You know what? Since you came bearing gifts, I'm going to give you a big joke. I appreciate that. Your set was just whatever. And I caught it, too. You're damn right. You caught it. Just like the cervical cancer. You caught it, my love. There she goes. Blazing Nana, ladies and gentlemen. A sweet little spirit. All right.

2:01:23Brian Redban:This is it. We did it. We got through the bucket. Congratulations, everybody. We're all still alive. Nobody lost an eye or an arm or anything. We're all safe. That means we get to sit back and enjoy the absolute climax of this show. We have a freak of nature. We keep him chained up all week. And we let him out on Monday nights. The Beast. Enjoy yourself. I know we will. This is a brand new set from The Real Deal. Pat O 'Neill, everybody.

2:02:02Folks! I go down a lot of rabbit holes. I'm a furry.

2:02:11A little about me.

2:02:18Seriously, ever since the Epstein emails came out, I can't even look at a pizza anymore. Without getting hard. No, no, no. That sort of stuff, it's an issue all over the world. I recently read a story about a man in the Middle East who married a child. Yeah. It's called the Quran.

2:02:45They put it right in the book. I would have left it out, you know?

2:02:55and speaking of religious texts i just learned mind conf is still available on amazon even worse they're selling it under cookbooks

2:03:11okay thank you wow

2:03:21Brian Redban:Just unbelievable. Wow. Unbelievable, Pat O 'Neill. Great job, dude. Thank you, thank you. So funny, man. When you got made regular, dude, I was so happy for you. I was watching you grow on the show and just destroy. I even messaged you and congratulated you and said how awesome you were and you've yet to fucking respond to me. Oh, what the fuck? I was checking. I was like, what the fuck? No, man, it's great. I spend most of my time on Instagram responding to schizophrenics in the comments section. So I do apologize. It's very rude of me. That's all good. You're probably missing a lot of messages.

2:03:56Brian Redban:There's another mailbox. It's a... What is it? What's that called? Request. Yeah, request. I found out recently. If you missed his, you probably missed Drake's and Kanye's and other people's, by the way. You're probably going to be very... Kanye after this sale. You're going to be very...

2:04:18he's probably been following since the smoking the jays joke a few weeks ago uh i mean you are just something else man it's like sitting back and getting to just watch today's one of today's truly i truly mean this best comedians out there and uh getting to watch your process i mean i can't imagine actually i can't imagine because i had you do a spot on one of my stand-up shows a couple of weeks ago and uh watching you put all of this together in full sets it's just incredible it's uh you know to go joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke and with the stuff in the middle being funny and your setups being funny and the way you change directions being funny the only thing funnier than when he does a minute or a set on this show is watching him do a longer set because he builds momentum everybody if they don't know who he is figures it out real quick that he's very funny and it all adds up i mean there's nothing that can stop your trajectory at this point so i got distracted by this guy i thought he was jd vance for a second has anybody said that i just noticed him right now he is jd vancey as it gets look at this guy look at the eye oh he can even make a face that make himself more jd vancey that's crazy i wasn't really watching it i was afraid somebody had said

2:05:41Brian Redban:it already i was like i'm gonna go for it that is incredible wow and he does he's here with an immigrant so that is very jd vancey's here with red band's girlfriend that is amazing uh pat o 'neill how's life going for you anything crazy going on fucking good i don't know i'm just trying to like stay sane and get some sleep before msg honestly you know what i mean just fucking yeah i'm with Yeah. Yeah. It's wildly exciting. And it is tough to sleep when you live this kind of wild life. It's a lot of fun. And you're attacking it. Red Band. First time in New York, too. That's got to be fun for you.

2:06:20Yeah, it's fucking retarded. Yeah. It really is. You're going to New York for the first time to do Madison Square Garden two nights in a row. That is as exciting as it is.

2:06:35Brian Redban:So fun. how's life here in Austin oh great I don't know I'm getting to do more spots here so I don't know it's awesome it's very hot it wasn't as hot last summer which is my first one here but other than that it's swell we have very hot summers here how long have you been in Austin just two years yeah a year and a half now the summers are fucking nuts but you're doing it Pat I mean you're absolutely crushing another unbelievable set you deserve everything There he goes, the great power of Neil, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be with us at MSG. Watch the replay right now at KillTonyLive.com. He'll be with us in Vegas as well, November 13th and 14th.

2:07:14And of course, he'll be here at the Moody Center New Year's Eve. Tickets go on sale August 18th. Use the promo code KILL26. How about a hand for the Kill Tony debut of Jeff R. Curry, ladies and gentlemen. Right now is the time. If you haven't already, go to Netflix right this second. Go watch Nice to Meet You. He's truly one of the best stand-ups working today. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Hell yeah. Is that Jeff? Fuck yeah, Jeff R. Curry. I nailed it. Could have been me. Could have been... I see Jeff, though. That's Jeff. How about one more time for Chris Rogers, Ryan J.

2:07:52Ebel, our artists that draw the episodes as they happen. Oh, boy. We had fun.

2:07:59Brian Redban:That was a blast, pal. So fun. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. We'll do it again sometime soon. Poof, what do you got for us? I got a new album out called Yacht Rot, Cap Red 7 on Spotify, YouTube, everywhere. You have an AI album? A new album, yes. Wow. Unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Soon he might write an AI book. Or an AI movie. We're having fun here. I write the lyrics. I know, I know, I know. Okay. How about one more time for Red Band? The great Jeff R. Curry. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? And you, the live audience, we love you.

2:08:40God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:09:06Bye.

2:09:30Wasted. Let's go.

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