#782 - RON WHITE + JERRON HORTON

19:41Brian Redban:Well, yeah, when you only talk about your dilapidated pussy and have your tits halfway out, that's what you're gonna get. And then... Charon doesn't get any of those after doing this show. The options, I'm going to tell you the truth. I really was hoping for like a Luigi Mangione. But no, no. I got the Bill Burks of America.

20:06Brian Redban:I was hoping for a Luigi, but I got a Mario. A bunch of plumbers. No, I got a Red Band, like for real. Oh shit, Red Band. It was really, really bad. It was really, really bad. You couldn't find a hairline. It was just... Okay. All right. So, Mia, what's your love life like right now? I am looking for love. It looks like you've been fucked in the face a lot. No, no, no. What the fuck is going on here, Red Band? Let's do sound effects for the next, like, 30 minutes because you're just out of it. I think you started the vodka Red Bulls a little early. The vodka fucks them up, and the Red Bull gives them the energy and confidence to say things, everybody.

20:48Brian Redban:The worst combination for Red Band. For real. Okay, so. Mia Love, when you say you're looking for love, what does that mean? Are you on the apps? Are you talking to guys on pub? What's your dream guy? What does he look like? So my dream guy, physically, I'm not like really into anything. Like I can do the whole rainbow. I just want somebody. You want a gay man? No, no, fuck no. Hey, you gay? No way, Jose. Hell no. Okay. You want a real me? Wow, the band has something for that? They've been waiting years to be able to do No Way Jose jingle. Okay, so you don't care what he looks like, but... You know, I mean, not that fucked up, like, not rapping, but at the same time, like, at the same time, like, I care more about what's the inside than what is in the outside.

21:42Brian Redban:Wow, the inside of their wallet, I'm guessing, is what... No! Tony, I got my own money. I cut hair, bro. Like, let me cut hair. You're funny, Mio Love. I like your style. You really got to find a way to let your real personality come out on stage because you're hilarious. The jokes are a little tired, but you're fucking funny. Thank you. Thank you. Let that shine through, man. However you do it. I don't know why. I completely agree with Ron. You were hitting home runs here during the interview part, and the set was, you know, set was a set. But like your natural stuff, like if you talked about being Puerto Rican and clapping on the plane.

22:23Brian Redban:Spirit Airlines. Yeah. You know, that fucking stuff is great comedy. Thank you, thank you. I will, thank you. I'll take it, Tony. Yep, you got it. Here's a big joke book, Mio Love. There you go. Thank you, everybody. It has begun. There goes Mio Love, everybody. Hello there again. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real. You know, when we launched our Kill Tony storefront, I was surprised by how much was already taken care of. I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated setup steps. Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one.

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23:39Brian Redban:Red Band? It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide. From first-time entrepreneurs to major brands, the infrastructure is already there. You just bring the idea. That's right. With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at shopify.com slash killtony. Start your free trial at shopify.com slash killtony. Now you're your next bucket pool. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Ooh la la. Shwee shwee shwee. Wah wah wah. Follow her at HeidiRegina.com and everything. Alright, your next bucket poll goes by the name of

24:27Brian Redban:Eleazar Guzman, everybody. Eleazar Guzman.

24:33Hey everybody. I am also Puerto Rican. But I know I look like a Jew hiding in Mexico.

24:44Anybody here fans of history? Fucking nerd. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan. I like to get high and learn about history. This is a real thing I learned. In most cultures, most societies in the world, in order to have a king, you'd have to have an ancestral relationship. Yeah, because you got to keep the bloodline pure. I don't know if you guys know about genetics. You get fucked up people when that happens, right? But I want you to imagine what it would be like to work for that king. Let me take you back a thousand years. Guy goes up to the king. Sire! Sire! The French have attacked. And the king goes, yay!

25:27Because he's retarded. I noticed I had to fill in the blanks for the back room. But yeah, thank you. That's my time.

25:37Brian Redban:Eleazar. Am I saying that right, Eleazar? You did. First time, actually. Eleazar Guzman. You've been on this show before? Yeah, twice. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. Tell us, what do we know about you, Eleazar? What do we know already? How long have you been on stand-up? In September, it'll be 13 years. 13 years, wow. What do you do for work? I used to be a cook. Now I'm just doing temp work and trying to do work on the road on the weekends. Nice. How often are you getting out on the road? It's maybe like two or three weekends a month. Okay. Where's the last place you went? Wichita, Kansas. What did you learn about Wichita when you were there?

26:14Brian Redban:What are your thoughts about Wichita? They really repressed the gay a lot. What do you mean? There was like three people at the show that were like, my husband told me he was gay. And like my brother just told me he was gay. But it was like everybody was in shock, you know. Will you get me a flight to Wichita? I need to go meet some of these newly gay dudes. Some fresh ass, you know what I'm saying? All right. I love it. What do you do for fun, Elazar? For fun. I am sort of, I'm a nerd. I like to learn about history and weird shit like that. You really are into history. What's the craziest thing about history that you've learned recently that you could share with these people?

26:57Brian Redban:As you heard, there was literally a guy when you asked the rhetorical question, anyone into history, two of my fans, this is how unbelievable my base is, literally go, no. So if you could teach these brilliant, brilliant minds, a lot of camo hats out here tonight. If you could teach them something amazing about history. Sure. You guys heard the winners of wars, right? History. Again, no, you can't ask them questions. You have to just give them the information. Well, that makes me not trust it, right? Because, for example, when they found Hitler's body, they said he had a micropenis. but of course they're gonna say that what else are they gonna say yeah he killed six million people but he had a huge cock because then that then that technically makes him the winner all right uh okay uh you you only know about hitler's dick from history that's like what you read about yeah pretty much yeah yeah do you know any you have any black history facts you want to share with the black history facts yeah well you are you're a studier of all history i'm interested in history is history too oh yeah oh yeah yeah what do you know about black history all i know is that i'm supposed to be part black being puerto rican and uh that makes me a part of your history right that's true y 'all motherfuckers be denying that y 'all leaving us out to dry shit i ain't denying it bro and they're only leaving you up to dry because they don't have running water in puerto rica you guys are the exact same color no actually i have a farmer's tan so uh wow that is something else yeah yeah elizar you're a lot the last comedian up here was also puerto rican i'm gonna ask you what i asked her what is the most Puerto Rican thing about you?

28:56Brian Redban:Like something that you do, perhaps a daily behavior or something in your routine or something that you sometimes do that you consider you're like, wow, that comes from my Puerto Rican roots. White people and black people don't be doing that. White people and black people, that's tough. Something that you do. Puerto Rican. What do I do? You ever take spaghetti and meatballs and then wrap it in a tortilla and eat it? Something like that. I'm trying to watch my carbs right now. Fuck you, dude.

29:31Fuck you. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about me? That's what I'm watching. Oh, I don't speak Spanish. Whoa. That's a very common Puerto Rican thing. Why is that? I don't know. Actually, my parents used to talk Spanish around me just so they can talk shit, so that I couldn't understand them. Wow. So, yeah. Basically, you know, he didn't clean his room, but it was blah, blah, blah. And I didn't know what they were saying.

29:55Brian Redban:Do you remember anything that they said? Something they used to call you or something? Nothing at all, huh? I mean, I had one relative call me Ricky Ricardo. Okay. That stuck with you, huh? Yeah, a little bit. I love it. I love it. Other than history, you have any hobbies or anything? You ever parkour or Pokemon or rollerblade or anything like that? Dude, if I parkoured, I would die first day. I don't have the upper body strength or any other kind of strength. But for physical activity, I do basketball. Basketball and I like to run. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. What type of running do you do? Do you go to a track or do you just go on the street?

30:40Oh, actually, I do Uber Eats. I do Uber Eats walking and I run to each location. Really? Yeah, that's why your food is late. I'm sorry.

30:50Brian Redban:Wow. And why do you not drive? Why do you not drive the Uber Eats? I don't have a bike. I run. But no, I used to have a lot of anxiety, like a chronic anxiety. And I used to have panic attacks all the time. And for most of my life, I couldn't drive or do anything kind of like behind the wheel. And then I went to a bunch of therapy and now I can drive. I just don't have a car yet. You don't have a car? No. That's the most Puerto Rican thing about you. Congratulations. You have an answer for the next time somebody asks you. All right, Elazar. you had fun up here. Jews hiding. Yeah, Jew hiding in Mexico.

31:31Brian Redban:Fun. You did good. Here's a big joke book, buddy. Thanks. There you go. Eliza Guzman, everybody. All right. A couple repeat guests that have been on a couple years ago, and now this looks like a brand new name. I'm pretty sure of it. Let's see what happens here. This is a minute from out of the bucket. Anthony Wynkoop, everybody. Here comes Anthony Wynkoop.

31:59I've worked in a lot of different kitchens, so I know that technically all food is Mexican food. I mean, I'll put it like this. If you go to a restaurant, you sit down, you don't want to hear Coldplay coming from the kitchen. Okay? You want to hear Peso Pluma. You want to hear Bad Bunny. I mean, if it's my restaurant, and I'm going through resumes, and I got a pick between Tyler from Seattle or Jesus de la Sonora.

32:33Tyler is going to hit his elf bar in the walk-in until it dies and have a panic attack in the middle of the dinner rush. Pero... Pero, Jesus? Jesus, nueve modelos, no problemas. Uh, conducir el auto? Todo bien. Yeah. Thank you.

33:00Brian Redban:Wow, what a set. Anthony Wincoop, doing it. Welcome, Anthony. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Hell yeah, where at? Las Vegas. Okay, and you still live in Vegas? I just moved out here like almost a year ago. Nice, were you born and raised in Vegas? Yes, sir. I love it, how old are you? Thirty-foe. Thirty-foe? Thirty-foe. Very good. and uh what are you what have you done for work most of your life obviously i'm a chef right now i'm a hibachi chef oh wow here in austin yes and i am the diversity hire for the company oh that's amazing i love i mean who doesn't love hibachi this is our chief hibachi correspondent brian redband here there you go very good that's what he does what kind of special tricks do you do when you're hibachi you throw in the shrimp in the baby's mouth and everything a really big one is speaking English.

33:51They love that. They love that. Obviously, the onion volcano, but I usually just bring sake and get everybody drunk.

33:58Brian Redban:Nice. Smart. Absolutely great. Now, how long have you been in the hibachi business? Three years. Do you find that it's a lot of pressure cooking in front of people rather than behind closed doors? It's actually way better. Yeah. It's way better to cook for people. You get the instant gratification. You get to see how happy they are. Yes, yes, yes. That's a rewarding part. Yes, sir. Amazing. I love it. I always wonder when people are born and raised in Vegas what their parents are like. Because I always picture just absolute degeneracy going on out there. That's pretty accurate. I mean, more or less, I would say, you know, like loose mob ties are pretty normal.

34:40Brian Redban:Yeah. That's kind of what you're... I had a lot of Uncle Tonys, a lot of Uncle Jimys, a lot of Uncle Joys. Yeah. Yeah. And they're not really my uncles. Amazing. And your parents, your mom is? My mom is like one of those Oregon Trail white people where they don't even have, they don't even know their European ties anymore. Right. And my dad is a Vietnamese immigrant. Whoa. So I'm one of those rare half Asians where my dad is the Asian one. Wow. Yeah, that's very rare. Very rare. It's amazing. I think I've covered this recently on the show. Asian men all dream of having a white woman. And it's almost impossible for them to accomplish that.

35:19Brian Redban:And meanwhile, there's your dad who... Imagine Jackie Chan hooking up with Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, that's amazing. I thought you were Puerto Rican though. You did appear to be our third Puerto Rican in a row. It's the necklace. It's just the necklace. Which is the most Puerto Rican thing about you, by the way? What do you think is the most Vietnamese thing about you? Is there ever a thing that you do out there? You ever, like, kill an American soldier or anything like that? Or, you know, anything wacky? I'm randomly really good at pedicures. Yeah. Okay, yeah, that is definitely, that counts 100%.

35:57Brian Redban:That would be the most Vietnamese thing about you. Amazing. Do you have any other special skills or talents or hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to freestyle rap.

36:09i can but right uh i can guess uh someone's body count just by listening to them talk

36:18Brian Redban:oh really yeah oh that's very interesting if you had to guess uh juran's yeah how many how many listen to that voice listen to that very white like voice yeah tell me my body count bitch you ain't guessing this motherfucking shit i love how he's like calculating in his head too he's got like the six he's got the sex he's he's he's tapping he's tapping into like my my balls uh 11 but you were in love with every single one of them 11 yeah god damn bro you are well this is hey this i'm married yeah you nailed it good job a lot and he nailed it You're welcome.

37:04Brian Redban:Incredible. I'm going to make sure Ron doesn't say anything. I'm going to need a calculator for that one. Those blue collar comedy days. I bet you were ripping it, Ronald. No way. Good, clean Christian behavior.

37:234 ,712. Really fucking good. I definitely did enjoy it, man. That was great. and it's okay to be an asshole if you want to, me if I want to, but I'm just not an asshole. So I just let it out and say, good job, man.

37:36Brian Redban:Cheers, brother. I love that. We'll remember that later when someone terrible comes up here and the non-asshole Ron White's holding on for dear life down there. I'm not an asshole, but you fucking suck.

37:53Brian Redban:Anthony, tell us one more crazy fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. I'm also a musician. What kind of musician? Rock or rap. Really? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I got to hear you rap a little bit. Michael, give me a beat, but that's not too loud, Michael, for the love of God. It's got to be. 140. It's got to be. E minor. Wow, 140 E minor. Holy shit, he's calling for it. He's calling the play like a head coach of a college football team. 140 E minor, Corduroy Panther, 26 Blitzkrieg, X-Wing, Tide Fighter on Y. All right, here he goes. Nice and easy. I play the option, put points on the board Not watching the game, don't matter who's scored Head in the clouds, hands in the kitchen Don't know the route, don't know what you're missing Glock 18 in the front seat Hit kill Tony with smoked meat Still a stab in the caps and the fanny pack 3D printed bag in a Gucci bag I'm heating up, I feel like the earth Come get your girl, she's dying of thirst Don't you know I got a queen?

38:49Latin booty tastes so mean We don't mind a third, we don't mind an eighth We don't mind a shower Evening escapades Hit the blunt and make a beat Hit the blunt and take a seat Hit the blunt and make a skeet Hit the blunt and make a beat

39:06Brian Redban:Wow, that's fantastic. Yeah, yeah. Great stuff. Yeah. I love it. You did it here today. You did it, Anthony. Thank you, Chef. Yes. Anthony, very fun times. Great stuff. Perfect set, perfect interview. Here's a big joke book. Come back. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Anthony Wincoop, ladies and gentlemen. Half Vietnamese rapper. You don't see that very often, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, uh, uh. All right. You know, every week I watch people come up here and absolutely destroy their self-esteem. Unfortunately, Morgan & Morgan cannot help with that. But if you're actually injured because of someone else's negligence, that's just a different story.

39:57Brian Redban:Right, Red Band? Yes. Morgan & Morgan has been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. They've got more than 1 ,000 lawyers, 100 offices nationwide. They've recovered over$35 billion for their clients. So if your car gets totaled, you get hurt at work, or someone else's bad decision becomes your very expensive problem, you should check out Morgan & Morgan. You can go to forthepeople.com slash Tony to start your claim. Their fee is free unless they win. And again, hurt feelings do not count. So it's a no-brainer. Go to forthepeople.com slash Tony and see if your claim is a winner.

40:42Brian Redban:Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Stephen Barry. We're having fun here tonight. Here comes Stephen Barry, everybody.

40:54How's it going, everybody? Anybody else going through a midlife crisis? Yeah, just me? Okay. Well, this is what it looks like. Wasn't sure at the time, but it kind of came out gay. I'm not going to be honest. These shoes, the earrings, everything. I've got to be careful about the clothes that I choose. I have two teenage daughters, and a lot of people don't know that. They think I'm their same age. If they're in their 20s, I'm late 20s. If they're 30s, guess what? Late 30s. But if I'm 40, or if they're 40, I'm not 40 anymore. Down to 30 again. By the time they're 50 and 60, I'm down to 20, okay?

41:30It's crazy. I actually have two kids. My youngest, we went to Six Flags last year. And the two teenagers across from us looked at us and said, are y 'all siblings? My kid was in elementary school last year, so I took the compliment, okay? Guys don't get a whole lot of compliments. Next time you see one walking along, give them a compliment. There we go. I was waiting for that kitty.

41:56Brian Redban:Well, I got to tell you, if you're looking for a compliment. Let me take this one. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, Ron White. Now, there's no right or wrong way to do stand-up, but, boy, that's a bad. Horrible. That was a horrible job. I didn't notice the fingernails, the shoes, and all that matter. It's okay to come out here and talk about who you are, so that's a good thing. But have some fucking punchlines. Okay. All right. Yeah, for sure, man. It's just not believable that you look like your kids. How old are your kids? Step up to that microphone right there. They're 13 and 15. And you think that you look like them?

42:37I got so older in that bit, the math of that bit. I had no idea. No, I'm just saying other people think that we look like siblings instead of me being their father. Huh. But what were the numbers thing? Where it was when they're 40 or 48, and then back... I got lost in that. Yeah, I can do backwards math. What is it? Half your age plus seven, then you can date... I don't know. I didn't want to get into all the numbers. I'm over 40.

43:00Brian Redban:Steven, take that mic stand and put it on the red X over there. Take the whole thing. Put it over there. You're a little too close to us. All right. Thanks. Yeah, you're welcome. Okay. Okay, so Stephen, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I've been trying to do comedy for a year, last March. A year. What made you start now? After you get fired about six or seven times, you start, you know, maybe a career change. And you think the hardest thing to do in the world is the right way to do it? Well, I don't know. HR at a bank is not very easy, but this I feel more comfortable. Did you have the painted fingernails, the earrings and all that when you were doing that?

43:39or are you trying to find yourself? No, when I was over the dress code and DEI, I did not dress like this. How far away do your kids make you park when you drop them off from school? They live across the street from school,

43:55Brian Redban:so they walk. Oh, wow. So you're just sitting on the front porch with binoculars all day. Yeah. Do you let them wear your Jordans to school? No, I drive for Uber during the day, but I drive for Uber when I'm around them too. They just need me for rides pretty much. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you while driving Uber? I had to move a lady 103 miles to Vega, Texas. She got kicked out of her apartment, and my Toyota Camry handled all of it, baby. We packed it all the way up. Okay. And then she diverted to Dallas, and I dropped her off at a bus stop. But I'm sure she's okay. What do you mean you diverted to Dallas?

44:32Brian Redban:I don't know. She canceled the ride and said, take me to Dallas. And so I said, okay. Huh. I do what I'm told. I worked in HR. A lot of women. A lot of women. Wow. What are the other six jobs you got fired from? Anything good? I worked at the Federal Reserve for 10 years. What did you do there? Protected the money. Okay. No, I'm just kidding. They never got robbed. I was over HR, and I did all the compensation. So bonuses, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, not funny. That's why I left. Now you're worried about not being funny all of a sudden? And this economy? Okay, so Stephen, give us a fun fact about your life that we might find interesting.

45:15Brian Redban:Anything at all? You've seen this show before. You've seen how the interviews work. Good story. Anything at all? I was electrocuted when I was eight. Climbed a light pole and a stop sign. As soon as my feet left the ground, I could not let go. Then I dropped off and I had two holes burn in my hand like somebody we might know. Wow. But I made it. is that like a freaky friday moment where you swap bodies with your kid like no my mom knocked me off though but when she knocked me off it could have been a freaky friday but yeah i just had nightmares i died for six months no big deal though okay all right trauma for the win right how old are you again 46 46 years old steve 13 going on 30 you're a year into the game who would play me in a movie now i was made in the 70s and i came out in the 80s.

46:05Okay.

46:06Brian Redban:All right, Steven. That's another swing and a miss there, Steven. So you're 46 years old. You have a lot of life experience to draw from here. Any hobbies? Are you good at anything? Do you have any special skills? No. Call of Duty Mobile. I'm legendary. Schnozberry 13. No, let's not do video games. Something else. Yeah, video games are for child, for children. Keep going. Some call them that. The question is, are you good at anything? Improv comedy. Okay. I didn't want to say that. I hear it gets some booze sometime, but that's what I'm best at. I'm learning stand-up. Really? This is what you get.

46:42Improv. Oh, yeah. Let's start now, shall we?

46:45Brian Redban:I prefer...

46:49Brian Redban:And let's go. Here's the setup. You ready for it? Yeah. Fucking anything in the world that you want. No. Go. Give me a word. I need a word. You need a word. Yes. All right. Let's do red band Come up with a word Let's do a trombone

47:08Oh, by the way Improv takes two people So that's why I'm not doing it on the show But you can do it with me You know that you can just do it Okay, well let's try it

47:18Brian Redban:Let's try this One person improv, never been done Trombone Man, I'm glad you brought that trombone I'm more of a trumpeter okay all right all right so steven let's try it one more time you have i perform at retirement homes only do you really yeah i have three shows this weekend in fort worth they i kill you really sometimes they i don't okay steven no no i'm serious i do have shows you really perform at retirement homes yes how do you get those gigs uh we started performing to get stage time oh my troupe were called Five Star Review. Oh, you really do improv? Yeah, R-E-V-U-E. I bet they carry a lot of the weight.

48:01If you could get to these old folks home, people, I would let you in, but you're not old enough. But no, it's wonderful. Okay, I gotta get you out of here.

48:10Brian Redban:I love you. Stephen Barry, everybody. There's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along. There he goes, Stephen Barry. Catches troupe at a retirement community near you. I'm like what are you good at what do you do fucking anything he's like improv okay alright your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny V everybody clearly anything can happen here Danny V thank you thank you I pull my pants all the way down at the urinal I don't have a big dick but I have a nice ass

48:57this one's rough Charlie Kirk died I wonder if he's pissed about transitioning from alive to dead something I'm going through right now I have two roommates one's an elderly black lady another one is a deaf guy and one of them the smoke detector needs to be changed and I do not know who to go to about it.

49:30So Chuck Norris died, RIP to the goat. It's rumored that when they were trying to lower him down into the ground they couldn't lower him any further so they pushed the earth up six feet.

49:46so alright that's my time

49:51Brian Redban:Danny V you were on last week two weeks ago and this went better than that I think so too you're incredibly lucky for getting pulled two mothership shows in a row remind us how long you been on stand up three years mostly in Austin but I started out in Vegas. Wow. Another guy that started in Vegas. Incredible. And what do you do for work, Danny? DoorDash and Fiverr. Wow. Almost everybody's delivering food here today. Incredible. And what's changed in your life since you were on two weeks ago? Honestly, not too much. I mean, I'm just, like I got tickets to go to like a big rock concert that I'm excited for.

50:37Brian Redban:What's the rock concert? Aftershock. It's not here in Texas. It's in California. Okay. Tell us about Aftershock. What do you know about Aftershock? So there's like, it's a four-day festival. There's going to be a shit ton of bands. Wu-Tang Clan's going. Okay. Now we're talking. So it's the name of a festival. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Who other than Wu-Tang Clan will be there? I'm trying to think of people you might know. What the fuck's that supposed to mean? I don't know. There's some pretty niche bands. Like a band that I'm really excited to see is Babymetal. Baby metal. I'm a huge fan of baby metal.

51:14Brian Redban:Oh, you are? Yeah, absolutely. We know baby metal very well. Dude, they play a fucking kick-ass show. It's so much fun. Three little Japanese girls. Uh-huh. Yeah, we know them. They cover System of a Down, am I right? Yeah. Yeah, see, you didn't think I fucking knew about that. That's fun. Do you have a girlfriend, Danny B? No. So last time I was on, I told you about I was in a situationship, and then that night pretty much just ended. Remind everybody what you said about the situation, Chip. So, like, we're cool with each other. We, like, it was kind of like we were each other's primary dating person.

51:50And then, like, we would also fuck other people on the side. But, like, we would hang out, go do some shit, and then also have sex.

51:58Brian Redban:So then you did the show last time we taped one here. And then what happened? Why did it end? It seemed like everything was just fine. You guys were good old fuck buddies. What went wrong? Well, like the guy who was on was Jeff R. Curry. So like we talked and it just kind of made me feel like I was getting cucked. And I didn't like that at all. Hold on. You talked with who? Jeff R. Curry, the guy who was on. On the show? Yeah. And you felt like you were getting cucked? Yeah. Describe why you were feeling that way. Well, like she's doing better or she was doing better than me with dudes. So yeah.

52:37Yeah.

52:37Brian Redban:Women have a pussy. I don't know if you know this. Women have a vagina. They can use that anytime they want. You look like a guy that fucking was in an incubator filled with muscle milk and grew to a full-size ripped toddler of some kind. Half pint. I have a joke. If I shave my beard, I look like an old baby. I just made that joke. That's incredible. I've never seen you do that joke and somehow I completely agree with you so you have decided to end things with this girl because Jeff R. Curry made you feel like she was doing better than you I just looked at the situation I just didn't it's the same thing with porn I just feel like I'm getting cucked the whole time explain what you mean by the porn cucked thing I mean I'm a dude watching a dude fuck a girl.

53:38That's like the definition of cooking. I guess. I mean, not like in person, but in like a roundabout way, it's kind of cooking.

53:46Brian Redban:So let me ask you this. What type of porn are you watching now? I'm not watching any porn. Wow. Yeah. Are you masturbating at all? What are you doing with all that extra energy? Trying to like refocus it into like better areas like working out, stand up. What type of workouts have you been doing? Oh, weightlifting. Not too much. What kind of weights? The pink ones were like, you're going. No, those are your weights, but... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, not... No, I'm not, but what are you? I'm rubber and you're glue. Stuck to you. You got me. I know you are, but what am I? But, like, I don't know, regular weights?

54:35Brian Redban:Okay. How much are we talking? Are you doing a lot of reps or are you doing heavy weights, low reps? More like lots of reps, low weight. Okay. There you go. Let's go. The official sound of low weight, lots of reps. That is a rubber ducky. I love it. Okay. So I was right. There's a chance pink weights are flying around. No? Nope. Slightly above pink weights. I guess, like yellow. You're doing 15s? No. 20s? I mean, what exercise are we talking about? I don't know. You tell me. I'm asking you. What are you curling, dude? For curls, like 25s. There you go. The official sound of 25. More like curly fries, am I right?

55:19Brian Redban:All right. All right. All right, Danny B. Well, you've gotten on twice in two mothership shows. You're extremely lucky. Have you ever gotten extremely lucky anywhere else in life before I let you go? Seemed like a lucky guy. I could talk about a time I was very unlucky. Okay. Maybe two years ago. It's pretty interesting. Okay, let's do it. So when I first moved to Austin, I was living in my car. And like one night, three kids like tried to break in and steal my car. When you say kids, describe it a little better for us. Are we talking about 15, 20, 25? It was a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old, and a 13-year-old.

55:59Wow. Tony wants to know what color they wore.

56:05Brian Redban:oh i know what color they were kind of like uh kind of like my old bass player over here that's the color that d madness sees so it was it was three young black men wow yeah hard to see at night were you in the fetal position in your back seat or you were you a front seat i was sleeping in the in the back seat they like tapped on the window i woke up like crazy. I didn't know what I was going to do. Look at this big ass baby looking ass motherfucker. Let's rob this bitch ass big ass baby looking ass motherfucking bitch ass big ass baby. This baby looking ass bitch. Where's your wallet? Bitch ass baby?

56:48Brian Redban:Look at you, you bearded baby bitch ass motherfucker. Show pink ass weights under the passenger seat. Lion ass bitch ass baby ass bearded baby ass motherfucker. I'm about to rob the shit out of your bitch ass, baby ass. All right. Sorry. I got a little excited there. Why are you doing the lights, Kino? All right. We're having fun here. Just some straight up good old racism. My specialty. If you've listened to CNN, you will know that is all that I do. All right. So then what happened? So I woke up. I thought it was like the security guard trying to get me out of there or something like that. And then he pointed a Glock with like an extended mag.

57:34Brian Redban:Oh, wow. Yeah.

57:38Brian Redban:I may have started new merch for you, my friend. Sounds like you have a new t-shirt. Just put my face on the baby's butt. Follow me at bitchassbabyassbitchassmotherfucker.com for my tour dates.

57:55Brian Redban:Okay, so he pointed the gun at you. Yeah, and just like talking a bunch of shit like, hey, open up the door now. I'm going to bust a cap in your ass. And then like. That's a fucking lie. We don't say that shit no more. Yeah. We talk about bust a cap. It was a cap gun. That's what he meant. It was a cap gun because he's a little baby ass, bitch ass. I wouldn't even hurt this bitch ass baby looking at motherfucker. Man, where my electric gloves at? Let me see. If I was wearing that puffy ass vest, I would have felt more confident. Wow.

58:30Brian Redban:The best would have done it. So let me ask you this. When you see the black men outside of your car, what's the first thing you do? You take the pacifier out of your mouth and then what? Fuck you, bro. No, I mean, I started, I was like, dude, I live in this car. I cannot give you this car. Like, what do you need? And then he was like, I'll give you$500 if you give us a ride somewhere. And I was like, that is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Like, that's not happening. Really? Yeah. But you do DoorDash for a living. I mean, it seems like a pretty good deal. You're too tired to make 500 bucks? I would have loved that back when I was sleeping in my car.

59:08That's like 50 hours of work or something. Yeah. That's not... That wouldn't have happened. I would have been standing there with my dick in my hand. But anyway, so...

59:17Brian Redban:Because you jerk off when you're around young black men? Exactly. Look at this baby ass bitch jerking off ass motherfucker. Get some hate out of your pants, you bitch-ass baby. Alright. Fun times. Congratulations. You got a big joke book last time you were on, right? I got a medium. Really? Well, guess what, pal? You've upgraded, you bitch-ass baby-ass motherfucker. Alright. We're having fun here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody. The modern-day Vanna White of comedy. You know, as you look at Red Band, you could tell as you get older, there are certain things you put off until you realize you shouldn't.

1:00:01Brian Redban:For a lot of people, life insurance is one of them. I took out a policy on Red Band this week. Whether you've got a family, a mortgage, or just a silly, unhealthy friend or people that depend on you, it's one of those things that's worth taking seriously. That's why I like Ethos. They make getting life insurance simple and convenient. Everything is done online. You can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and potentially get same-day coverage. There's no medical exam required. You just answer a few simple health questions online. Red Band? You can get up to$3 million in coverage, and some policies are as low as$30 per month.

1:00:35If life insurance has been sitting on your to-do list,

1:00:38Brian Redban:take a few minutes and check it out. Wow, great advice, Red Band. No doubt about it. Take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash killtony. That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash killtony. application times may vary rates may vary protect your family with life insurance from ethos get up to three million dollars in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com slash kill tony application times may vary rates may vary trust pilot rating as of august 1st 2026

1:01:13Brian Redban:Unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a special treat for you. We have one of our elite regulars waiting right behind that curtain. He has the very, very tough job of having to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. At one point, he was the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here he is.

1:01:41Guys, I hate politics, but sometimes people ask me political questions. Like this dude came to me, he said, Dedrick, are you more of a boobs or a butt man, right? And I don't like politics, but I had to answer the man. And I said, brother, I don't care what the restaurant is serving. I'm here to eat. Like, you know, like I prefer the combo meal. You know what I'm saying? If I could get both boobs and butt, that's a great combo meal. But if the chef is 86 ass today, I'm fine with the titties. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm fine with, it's like tots and french fries. I don't care, put it in my mouth.

1:02:27Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm not, I'm not here for that. And that's why I hate politics. Like, it reminds me of the great political discussion, drums or flats when it comes to wings. and I'll be like, brother, um, how does it matter? I'm bi-wingle.

1:02:52We're not here for these side items. We're here for the entree, which is the vagina, right? I don't care if nigga, I don't care if they have broccoli or not. Nigga, bring me the steak.

1:03:07Brian Redban:Thank y 'all. Dedrick Flynn with a brand new Minute 30. Always doing more than he has to. Amazing stuff. So fun. That is the correct answer. Yeah, I appreciate you, Tony, for saying that. Can I say that that nigga was absolutely lying about getting robbed by three black kids? Yeah. This nigga is clear. First of all, I've never seen three black kids in Austin. Yeah. Like, you know what I'm saying? So that nigga is clearly lying. that nigga's a liar and i just i can't stand you know i love facts yeah and i just that nigga's lying and also three black kids don't need a gun to rob that nigga like you know i'm sure i'm sure some harsh words would get that nigga out of the car yeah you are absolutely correct that is an amazing fun fact i think i've seen every possible type of group of D-Madness is going to rob him right now.

1:04:09Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck him up, dude. Hey, where'd you go, you bitch-ass baby-looking-ass motherfucker? Hey, come to me, bitch. I'm gonna fucking steal your shit. He said proper capping his ass. That nigga watched one movie and was like, I know how to get robbed by three black people.

1:04:25Brian Redban:I swear to God, if I find your ass, I'm taking everything. Bitch-ass baby-looking-ass. All right. you are correct I have never seen three young black men in the city of Austin at the same time and that is why I call it home

1:04:46Brian Redban:that is why I bought property here ladies and gentlemen

1:04:56started ovulating when he ain't seen no niggas

1:05:00Brian Redban:the hell is that supposed to mean I'm sorry I want to say R.I.P. Hayden Panetieri yeah I don't know who this person is nigga you ain't watch Remember the Titans that's why you grew up racist because

1:05:28Brian Redban:Is that what it is? Oh, man. I'm going to watch it when I get home. Strong side. Explain Remember the Titans to me so that I can know what I've been missing. So basically, God made this movie that...

1:05:47so he could bring black and white people together in the south right and and so because god made that movie so if you watch that movie you still racist guys telling you you're going to hell right because between the two white uh all white school and the black coach daniel washington's in there you'll love that uh oh now i'm now i'm interested yeah and then hayden pantera is like the daughter of the white coach, and everybody gets, they go to trials and tribulations, but at the end of the day, it's about football, and that's what brings, and so that's why, like, the SEC, we win football all the time.

1:06:26Right. Because, you know, that movie brought us together, because if you go to the Pacific Northwest, their sports movies are different. They have, like, Air Bud. And, and that's a movie about a golden retriever scoring a triple-double on white niggas. And she asked.

1:06:53Ron White, do you have anything to...

1:06:58You don't remember the Titans. You was the coach in that movie.

1:07:07No, he was the one that got fired because he couldn't accept the integration. I ain't playing for no coach Coo

1:07:22Brian Redban:oh shit these guys are gonna rob Danny V after this they're really making friends over here that nigga ain't got nothing I won't he 5 foot 4 you know that's my girl height I love it I love it Man, that is hilarious. I gotta watch Remember the Titans. I've heard of it a bunch. You guys do, don't eat. I watched this one black... Here you go. I watched this one... What do you have to say? Here he goes. I'm being dead serious. I'm sorry. I was high and I spoke out from my heart, but I meant to stop it. I watched this one football movie with black people. It's called The NFL. And it plays every Sunday.

1:08:08Brian Redban:Every Sunday I play it at my house. God, I love the NFL. I love black people. I love white boys. They got a lot more white DBs in the league right now. Right now, because it's preseason. The fourth string and fifth stringers get to watch the whites play for a couple weeks, everybody. And they're doing... Remember the whitens. That's what I call this little couple weeks. Because we will be forgetting about them when the main season starts. Run up with a white. Run up with a white. Oh, my God. So much fun. Dedrick, you absolutely like this place. I love y 'all. Thank y 'all so much. He is the man.

1:08:55Brian Redban:Catch him on court. Catch him with Kilcone in Dallas, Houston, Vegas, and New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. A lot of fun upcoming road gigs coming up. to close out the year. Moody Center for the second year in a row. The biggest arena in Austin, Texas while simultaneously doing every week here at the mothership. All right, back to the bucket we go, everybody. You know how this goes. Anything can happen. Make some noise for a minute uninterrupted for the comedy seller. Or setter, perhaps. Or setter. The comedy setter.

1:09:38What's going on? My name is Steve Francois. I'm a suburb Negro.

1:09:47My black friends, they don't like it. They be real judgmental. They be like, yo, bro, I don't know how you cool with white people, yo. I don't like the way white people treat us. I feel like white people treat us like dogs. And I'm like, have you seen the way white people treat dogs? Oh, man. You... Yo, how good is your life? How good is your existence? You're not trying to be treated like a white dog. Yo, white people treat the dog better than they treat their family, you ever see this shit? They'll send their parents off to a home and then adopt a three-legged rescue.

1:10:38name the dog tripod

1:10:43Brian Redban:fuck yeah man welcome welcome holy shit so comedy seller seller of comedy i love it i love it the comedy seller absolutely and you said your name is mr francois oui wow oh my goodness he speaks french absolutely incredible i'm haitian So, you know, the friends colonize us. You know how that go. Oh, my. I mean, they probably don't know. You guys don't know history well. So I get it. Wow. I know we do. We do. I appreciate you. All right. Absolutely. Appreciate you, big dog. So you are a suburban friend, you said. Suburb Negro. Okay. I'm going to call you friend. I'm going to stick it out with friend here for the sake of our sponsors.

1:11:27Brian Redban:That'll work. So I love it, man. You are fucking fantastic. How long you been doing stand up? Bro, I've been doing it for like a decade plus. I believe it. I believe it. That's exactly how it seems. You fucking flew off the map today. He's like a mix of all the kings of comedy into one. I love it, man. I appreciate that, Jay. Thank you, Jay. You are fantastic. So where did you start? What part of Atlanta did you start? Hysterical. I'm actually from, I'm from Dirty Jersey originally. Really? Absolutely. I grew up in North Jersey. okay so that means i was raised italian america you already know okay hell yeah i have a lot of friends from north jersey bergen county son okay number one property tax in the nation g what you know about my education shit oh my god wow it's like elegant but hood you get me like absolutely i like it i like it thank you t-murder i appreciate it oh t-murder oh my god What are you doing?

1:12:31Brian Redban:My agent or my manager? T-Murley. Let's get it, baby. Come on, son. Oh, my God. T-Madness, you're lucky you came back. I was about to make him the new full-time bass player. This guy's cool as shit. Thank you. I appreciate you, J. Can I ask how old you are, Mr. Francois? I'm going to be 41 this year. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Absolutely incredible. You look fantastic. Thank you, though. So what you been doing your whole life? my family's from haiti so i've been extra haitian okay what kind of dogs and cats you've been eating see bro we don't even do that we what actually happened let me tell you what happened come on now let me tell you what happened they were actually hunting like geese and shit from the park so that's that's not terrible dog think about chinese people take cats why can't we get geese it'll be all right all right we're not selling it how do you how do you prep a geese how do you cook a geese.

1:13:25I don't cook that shit. I thought about it for a second. I was like, nah, bro. I don't cook that shit. I eat like plantains, chicken breast, and shit like that. Okay. I'll try to eat good. Yeah, me too. I love plantains.

1:13:38Brian Redban:It's a fried banana. He said plantains, not plantations. Oh. Oh. That's what... I was about to ask if you wanted to come work on my plantain for me. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yo, listen. him. I don't mind being inside you. I love it. I love it. I love it. You're killing it. What does that mean exactly? He's already got the suit on is what he's saying. He'll be shaving your neck in no time.

1:14:08I don't mind the Django. You already know, bro.

1:14:13Brian Redban:I love it. So what have you been doing for a living? You started stand-up at about 30 years old or so. Yeah, I was doing theater before. I was in New York doing theater like that off-Broadway. Amazing. Amazing. Like Hamilton or something like that? Nah, bro. Like real bar shows type shit. You get me? Okay, no. I don't get it. Yeah, you don't get it. I want to understand but I don't. Like a real off-off Broadway. He's doing Magic Johnson Theater. Oh, you guys are all out of control. What do you mean you guys? Not you. Not you. Not you, my friend. You sit. You stay. Sit. Stay. It's a call back to the adopt a dog thing That's what I'm saying, treat me with love Don't put that without showing his set Or else that looks really bad For sure, for sure But I mean if you hire me it won't be bad What would you do, what can I possibly hire you for Because I'm honestly, I'm interested I'm not going to do it, but I'm interested I mean I ain't going to hold you bro I saw your special, you need a stylist G I ain't going to hold you I do, I do I ain't going to hold you G This is actually the exact same shirt I don't change things up.

1:15:21I was like, I'm like, yo, why they always calling him gay? I'm like, you don't dress well enough to be gay. That is true. That is true.

1:15:26Brian Redban:I completely agree. You know what I mean, G? Let's keep it up. I went for comfort on that one. That's what I'm saying. I love it. And I tell jokes, too, though. Mr. Francois, tell me, how would you dress me? Because I'm taking notes here. Oh. White jacket, khaki pants, white T-shirt. I mean, nah, nah, nah. Kind of a Simpsons hairdo. Is that it? So. He called me black-sized So Bob? That's wild, dude No, he meant the OJ Simpsons Oh, okay

1:16:01Oh my god, we are having

1:16:03Brian Redban:Fun in here tonight, Mr. Francois Yeah, you actually know a few of my boys I was trying to get on, like, yo You know Ryan, right, Ryan? Tell the people that I have black friends Tell the world about my black friends, Mr. Francois I'm talking about a white Canadian Oh, fuck Those are my favorites But check it out. No, no, an immigrant. An immigrant. An immigrant. Yeah. Ryan Long. Yes. Yeah, that's my homie. I gave him his first job in America when he came from Canada. Okay. What was that first job? It was a comedy job, motherfucker. Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry. Mr. Frank Swans. I'm saying, Tom, context.

1:16:35Oh, my God.

1:16:36Brian Redban:Here's my wallet. Take it. All right. Tom, if you offer it, I'm not saying no. I love it, man. So tell me more about your life. You are so fun. Believe it or not, there was a guy up here that said he did improv earlier. didn't say a funny thing the whole fucking time. I'm looking at you. You are a master of the craft. Naturally funny. Dog, I did door-to-door sales for five years, G. Oh, let's go. With crackheads, retired baseball players, and an African dude that knows the entire dictionary, G. Wow. And that's all just you, those three people. That's amazing. Tell us about the doors you were knocking on.

1:17:15Well played.

1:17:18Brian Redban:what were you selling door to door yo i'm patient brother different culture dog Haitians change their smoke detectors red baby you have to study the different shades of black we're gonna have to upgrade your racism g come on that's right do better that's right i would have preferred more like african sounds that would have been more relatable yeah that's the Haitian sound we came up with when I was doing door to door I was doing cable I did Fios Fios was big money I was making a buck twenty a hundred and twenty thousand a year selling fucking door to door bro selling door to door what? Fios, Verizon Fios bro wow that's like internet literally okay fiber optics okay I didn't even know about that I just have that I just don't even do that see that's why I'm educating you wow I don't think I need to know about it It just exists.

1:18:11Brian Redban:I'm just already logged on to my Wi-Fi. I never think about it again. But here you are to teach me what's going on. I got you, G. I love it. You're my new best friend. So, yo, can we hug, G? Yo, can we hug? No, no, no, no. Let's not hug. So you lying, dog. You're the one getting gay on me now. Come on. Don't pull the old switcheroo. Bro, I'm happy, G. No, I love it. You know how many times I've been here, G? How many times have you signed up? Like 45, dog. I've come when you're away and you get, G, I come here, I walk up the stairs. I'm like, why didn't you tell me? He's like, I like the way you was walking up the stairs.

1:18:43I thought you knew where he was going. So I've been here so many times. Even when you're not here, I just show up every single Monday. Wow. I love it, man. Look at you, making the most of the moment. Bro. Making the most of the opportunity. I moved here for Kill Tony and Taxes.

1:19:00Brian Redban:I love it. Bro. Me too. That's what I'm saying, T-Murder. What's up? God damn it. When do I start? When do you start? You're already starting. You're fucking stealing the show tonight. Oh, listen, what's up? Where my ticket at, G? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. A closed mouth don't get fed. Whoa. Whoa.

1:19:28Brian Redban:This reminds me of the movie Remember the Titans.

1:19:37Brian Redban:Mr. Francois, you are a wild man Give us one more fun fact about you Before I get you out of here I can probably dominate 95 % of these people in this room When it comes to pull-ups Can't nobody see me Really? Oh, God You're a pull-up master? I train with dudes that went to prison Oh, God, let's get it I totally believe that This is Joe Rogan's Comedy Club, so I think we have a pull-up bar right behind the curtain. That's probably true. Joe began. Wow. And I speak two and a half languages. Okay, what are the two and a half languages? One is English. One is English. I speak English. I speak English.

1:20:18I speak English. I already know.

1:20:23Brian Redban:That's the start of Missy Elliott's song. But it's a little too common. You know Missy Elliott's song? Get your freak on. Set it go. Set it go. okay what did you just say by the way uh what's that mean that means

1:20:42red band hit it from three point you got it still got it red man i was worried about you this episode

1:20:48Brian Redban:that was good that was good okay what's the we got english we got haitian i want to know what the half language french oh wow what did you just say there i speak french a little bit oh okay All right. I said, dude. No Spanish at all? A little bit, but I know Dominican Spanish. Like, ya tu sabe. Oh, shit. My horn players are laughing. Two out of three horn players approved. You feel me? Ya, Lord. Que lo que. Ya tu sabe. Oh, shit. How does a Dominican dog bark? Dick at roof, roof. Wow. Wow. Do you play any musical instruments? Nah, my shorty do. She played the musical. How long have you been with your shorty?

1:21:36About a year and a half. Where'd you meet her at? I met her in New York at my bar show. Okay. And she came up to you? She was a fan? She was a little bit of a fan. I actually had to come up to her because she's not really the type of shorty to go after, though. So I appreciated that.

1:21:52Brian Redban:How much material do you think you have that you've written and ready to go? like the longest set you could do. Hour 20? Hour 20. Let's see it.

1:22:09Wow.

1:22:09Brian Redban:Don't tell me what a good time. Incredible. Incredible. So this showdy, what does she do for work? She hold me down. She's responsible for you. She's, she's. No, no, no, no. She like, she does music. That's what she does. Okay, what exactly does she do with music? She plays the piano, she sings, and she teaches it too. Wow. She's like real talented. Wow, look at that. There she is right there, everybody.

1:22:45Brian Redban:Wow. Mr. Francois, do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have any advice? There's a lot of, my fans, a lot of them are virgins and whatnot. Do you have any advice on how to please a woman in the bedroom? Because I'm positive that you know how to do magical things. I mean, you have literally, you have 12 dildos attached to your head, right? It is incredible. You have many things that could please a woman. I mean, I don't think it's necessarily in a bedroom. I think like when you're approaching a shorty, be real like intentional. You get me? Because too many dudes want her. So if you don't really want her, don't go after her.

1:23:19I love that.

1:23:20Brian Redban:Give us an example. when you're approaching a woman, what do you say to her? When you like a showdy? When I really, when I fuck with you like that, I'm like, yo, listen, I don't know who you are, but I need to get to know you. Wow. Wow. Oh, God. My pussy just got wet. That is incredible. Absolutely amazing.

1:23:46You want me to give you one? I'll give you one. All right. You walk up to the hottest girl in the place and you go listen I know that you get hit on all the time because you're such a beautiful woman But I want you to know that unlike the other guys at the bar here tonight I'm telling you the God's honest truth when I say I almost wore that exact same outfit

1:24:11See and the pussy just falls off I get it but like like they know you got money because they let you talk for real long You know what I'm saying? So they You know what I'm saying? It's like, we listen to what all white money got to say. You feel me? I got a shorter version of it. Mr.

1:24:29Brian Redban:Francois, you are hilarious. What's your full name again? You said it in the beginning. Steve Francois. Steve Francois. Is that your real name? Yeah, my parents couldn't give me a trust fund, so they gave me a trust name. You get me? My black dude named Steve. It's a blessing, brother. Wow. Steve Francois, you are absolutely fucking incredible. We spend so much time pulling names out of this goddamn bucket.

1:25:01Brian Redban:And the fact that... The fact that you signed up so many times and really, really want this, and, you know, it seems like you really work for it, and 10 years in the game. And you moved to Austin full time. How long ago did you move here? Over a year ago. Over a year ago. March last year. And you sign up every Monday. Every single Monday. You're trying your best. You're doing it all. You're doing spots all around town. I do spots all around town, but it's like, I'm not, I haven't been on here. So the disrespect is wild. You feel me? So say that again, talking to the microphone. I said, I'm not from here.

1:25:35So it's like, I'm not on Kill Torn, never been on. So the disrespect is wild. It's like, I can't just be funny. You get me? Gotta have a name. Gotta have this, gotta that. I'm like, gee, I just come to work. Right. Well, you have one now, Mr.

1:25:47Brian Redban:Francois. And an amazing appearance on this show. A fantastic, you're exactly the type of thing that we love about this show. You know, all different ages, shapes, sizes, hairdos, jackets, the whole thing. So congratulations. Here's a golden ticket. Let's fucking go! Steven Francois. A 16 minute long interview, an unbelievable minute.

1:26:19Brian Redban:Steven Brantzwell, ladies and gentlemen, following at the Comedy Cellar.

1:26:29Brian Redban:Dreams are coming true. The crowd goes wild.

1:26:39Brian Redban:He's shaking everybody's hand. These racist people are mad. They're leaving. It's Remember the Titans 2. Wow, what a performance from the comedy seller, Mr. Stephen Francois. Clearly anything can happen here tonight. That guy did more jokes than the other seven bucket pulls put together. Six bucket pulls put together. And back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Brent Reid, everybody. Here we go.

1:27:16Well, if you like that last guy, this is going to be different.

1:27:33I'm half gay on my sister's side. My sister's gay. She's, uh... She's full-blown. She builds coffee tables and shit. You'd love her. She's, uh... We're Irish twins. That, of course, means I'm an alcoholic. She's a potato. And...

1:27:53And growing up, she was always the favorite. You know, nicer, smarter, better in school. But I'm her little brother. We grew up in a 1 ,200-person town in Alabama. So when she came out gay, I was like, Oops, guess who's the new favorite? Finally, my time to shine! Now it's just something my dad uses against me. He's like, son, why can't you just go out there and get you some pussy like your sister? Brittany's got a wife and kid. You got two male roommates, and somehow that's gayer. And it is. All right, thank you, guys. Fantastic.

1:28:25Brian Redban:The very funny Brent Reid. We know Brent. Very funny man. Works here at the mothership. You're on the clock right now, huh? Yeah, I'm the second newest door guy. We just hired a new guy today, but I was the newest till today. I love it. I love it. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you so much. Part of the elite comedians that work here at the Mothership following in the footsteps of the world-famous comedy store, this place only hires comedians as door guys. So they get to be around it, get to see it, get to see how professional comedians work and interact in every single facet of the game. Just like I was a door guy, Jerron was a door guy at the comedy store.

1:29:06Brian Redban:Hell yeah. I'm happy to be here yeah it's fun how's life been going Brent? it's been going alright I'm trying to quit my job at the escape room but I you really work at an escape room? yeah I can't figure out how to leave can I tell oh that's funny you son of a bitch you got me you don't work at an escape room I do you really do? yeah four dreams escape room East Cesar Chavez I'm gonna be there probably two more weeks wow at the rate it's going and I'm scaring the shit out of... I'm gonna get fired for scaring shit out of kids, I think. A kid asked me recently what happens if we don't escape and I said, you have to work here.

1:29:48I've been here since 2018, please help.

1:29:52Brian Redban:Hilarious. Hilarious. Help me. Wow. Tell us more about your life, Brent Reid. I'm going through a breakup and I have major depressive disorder. Yeah. Tell us more about that. Going through a breakup when you have depression is tough. It feels like getting a cold when you have AIDS a little bit. It's like, I've had one of these before, but this one's going to kill me. I'm dead.

1:30:24Brian Redban:Amazing. Brent, tell us about your life. Where are you originally from? I'm from a small town in Alabama called Caddo. I can't remember the word for it, but it's not recognized by the government as a town. It's in between two towns. Not undocumented. There's a word for it. Wow. Wow. But 1 ,200 people. Yeah, middle of fucking nowhere. Between Decatur and Moulton, Alabama. And then I moved to Huntsville to do comedy. Damn. I did radio in Florence for like six years. And you started at Stand Up Live in Huntsville? Yeah, that was where I got my first hosting gigs and stuff. But I started at Biker Bars in Sheffield, Alabama.

1:31:02Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah, I got threatened with death a lot. Yeah. Yeah, there was a cat named Rooster. He had a mohawk. He was in a biker gang.

1:31:12Brian Redban:Wow. Incredible. Cattow, Alabama. Yeah, C-A-D-D-O. Cattow. Wow. That sounds like the type of place I would make sure I did not run out of gas. You would hate it. You would hate it so much. That's incredible. It's like 45 minutes outside of Huntsville. Looks like you're going to be the biggest star out of there, though, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, nobody's close. God bless them I love them How long have you suffered from depression? Maybe there's someone out there listening I'm in therapy now I got therapy through I guess I can talk about this I got therapy through the mothership They have a program that helps us with mental health stuff Amazing stuff Shout out to my therapist Ray I love you baby Shout out to Ray Ray I love it I imagine Ray Ray is a lot like Mr.

1:32:00Brian Redban:Francois yeah he's the same that's him actually let me give he uses a stage name because he's a therapist you can't you know let me give you a hug let me kiss you on your forehead tell us more about this lesbian sister of yours oh she's yeah she's real gay um she's uh she lives with her wife she has a kid it was science not a miracle and uh Wow. My nephew, I have a three-year-old nephew. His name's Tucker. He's autistic, and I love him. I love superheroes. You asked me if there's any autistic superheroes. I was like, I think all of them. I think anybody that wears a cape qualifies. Yeah, no doubt.

1:32:43Brian Redban:Anybody that wears their underwear over their pants. That's right. Definitely autistic. No question about it. Wow, Brent, you're so funny. Thank you so much. What's something that you've learned about handling? I guess I didn't finish my original question. What's something about being depressed and handling it and getting through it that maybe you could say right now that could be a good piece of advice for somebody that's listening that might be depressed as fuck? I think talking about it, treating it like you're sick is good. I talked to my parents about it. 2019, I went to the top of a parking deck and was going to jump off.

1:33:22And I got fired from radio, you see. Wow. There I was.

1:33:28Brian Redban:What level of the parking deck were you? The top one. Is it level four? My dad called, actually. Funny you mentioned that. My dad called me. As I was staring off, I was up there a long time. Thank God for Verizon 5. I just learned about this. And I told him where I was and he always says the perfect thing and the perfect time. He was like, you talking about that parking deck on the campus of the University of North Alabama? I was like, yes, sir, that's the one. He goes, that thing ain't high enough to kill you. That'll hurt like hell. You've just been paralyzed and sad. I tell you what, me and your mama are going to be sad if we have to wipe your ass again.

1:34:13Stop, I'm going to cry.

1:34:18Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible, Brent Reid. Thank you so much. You are fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up again? Seven years. Seven years. How much of it in Austin? The three and a half. Three and a half years, I think. Yeah, I moved here, and then I opened for Brian Simpson in Huntsville. And then I moved here two weeks later. The mothership opened. I bought a ticket to Bottom of the Barrel, Brian's improvised comedy show on Tuesdays. He saw me in the crowd. and he was like, where do I know you from? In the mic. And I was like, oh, open for you in Huntsville. He goes, oh shit, you left that girl?

1:34:50He like remembered shit I told him. He was like, you want to stay and do the late show? So I stayed and did the late show. Egot saw me and it was like a year process, but I eventually got passed. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

1:35:01Brian Redban:How recent was this breakup? That one, I'm kind of a serial monogamous. That one was when I left Alabama three and a half years ago, but I'm going through a new one that's like two weeks old. Two weeks old. How did it end? what went wrong she broke up with you yeah she broke up with me a couple times and then we got back together kind of like we weren't dating and she was talking to other dudes with boats and oh no you know what that means yeah yeah it just kind of had to get out of there wow yeah it's tough i'm sad yep cool tent he probably owns a horse as well red band is Just kidding. Well, let me say something.

1:35:42I'm going on vacation tomorrow, and I'm going to be gone for three weeks, and I'm going to come back and do some sets because I want to start touring again in September, and I want you to do one of those sets for me here. Oh, fuck you. Damn.

1:36:01I'm just fucking with you.

1:36:11By the way, my dad doesn't believe in me. He's going to be tickled pink that I'm talking to you right now on stage. He's going to be... He's going to shit blood. Oh, no, you made a mess.

1:36:21Brian Redban:It's okay. You want me to clean it up? I'll do whatever you want. It happens, my friend. Brent, I'm telling you, you crushed it here tonight, and you are a part of absolute history because this is the first time ever in which we've had back-to-back Golden Ticket winners. Congratulations.

1:36:54Brian Redban:Congratulations, Brent. Hell yeah. Leave your avails. We'll get you another minute up here on this show sometime soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody, keeping everybody well hydrated here tonight.

1:37:15Brian Redban:Fantastic. This show's flying. Can there be three in a row? Do you believe in miracles? I feel bad for the next guy. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the bucket pool named Donnell Graves, everybody. Donnell Graves.

1:37:36What's up? I'm here, y 'all. I'm trying to be happy. I just want to be happy like little Mexican kids at Ross.

1:37:49I'm trying to be happy like white people checking their credit. We know y 'all not paying back all those loans. I'm trying to be happy like Muslim store owners who come to America, open gas stations, and sell cigarettes, alcohol, and pork skins. inshallah but I got a lot of questions though one of the big questions I have is how is it that Uber, Lyft and Chinese massage parlors are legal but prostitution is illegal I mean a ride is a ride is a ride right

1:38:29thank y 'all I'm Donnell Graves

1:38:32Brian Redban:Donnell Graves 53 seconds of Donnell Graves Welcome, welcome. How are you? I'm doing great, man. Thank you so much. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started in 99, 27 years ago. But it was broken up because I was in the military, traveling all over the world. Okay. What did you do in the military? I was a canine handler in the Marine Corps. There's a lot of dog owners out there. Yeah, yeah. They love paint. We used to look for bombs and stuff. Iraq, Afghanistan. uh washington dc all over the place you catch some bombs yes i didn't catch them but i found some hell yeah and i seen some people who found some too yeah yeah he used to be a white guy

1:39:24Brian Redban:wow my credit is so how long were you in the military dono total i did 25 years in the military Wow, that's incredible. I love it. And so you started stand-up, then went into the military, and now you're back. Yeah, I used to be, before I joined the military, I worked as a strip club DJ. And then I was like, I want a respectable job. I want to be around good people. And I joined the military. It was the same people. Hell yeah. Can we hear your strip club DJ introduction? Absolutely. Tonight, get ready for the world famous Rump Shaker contest going on right here at Gil Tony. Blind, crippler, crazy, 18 to 80.

1:40:12We don't care if you got one leg, hop up on that good foot. Damn right. Absolutely. Very good. Damn, ass was rump when you were DJing. That's crazy. That was 85 you was out there? No, I started DJing strip clubs in 92.

1:40:33Brian Redban:Okay, so there was still some bush hanging out. Well, you know, I didn't see nothing new during that time. It was all covered up. We had some crazy laws. I started in Louisiana. Oh, okay. Louisiana up in here. Yeah, and I started there, and it was crazy because they had laws you had to cover up the breasteses and all that stuff. Oh, no, we hate it when the breasteses are covered. There must be six of them at once for it to be breasteses. Six-breasted Louisiana inbred women. That's what it sounds like we were missing out on. If you guys love six breasts, get ready. Here comes fucking Hex-a-Tit.

1:41:14Brian Redban:Wow. Breasteses. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Okay, so what's the craziest thing you ever saw at the strip club? Craziest thing I ever saw at the strip club was this woman. and she had this big old pole, and she went way up the pole, and she was twirling, and she looked really good, but her hair was down on the bottom. Oh, no, the weave. Yeah, it all just had its own life. Wow. Oh, man. It was wild, man. I felt bad for her. Damn. So the laws of Louisiana, breasts is covered, vaginas is covered. Yeah, everything was covered. So was it really a strip club? They called it bikini bars when I first started.

1:41:53I DJ'd in Louisiana, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas, California, and in Japan.

1:42:01Brian Redban:Whoa, what's a Japanese strip club like? I'm asking for Red Band. Well, we were outside the Marine Corps base in Okinawa, Japan. And it was... The home of Hattori Hounso. I don't know them. Well, he makes the best swords. It's from Kill Bill. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, that was his house. It was... We didn't start watching until Django.

1:42:29Brian Redban:So, Donnell, what do you do for work now? I don't do anything. You retired from the military, right? I retired from the military, and then I went back and worked as a civilian contractor, and I made a lot of money. And I came back, and now I just rent pussy. You rent it? No, I'm just... You say rent? I'm just playing. What does that even mean? That means you lease it. But for the laws, you know, I don't want to say too much because I don't want to, you know. It's a good, clean, wholesome family show. You should have meant Mr. Francois. It's like rent-a-bone. No, no bones involved. Jesus. You don't do bones.

1:43:13Brian Redban:So, Donnell, you don't have a steady lady right now? No, no. I had one a year ago, and I just kind of, sorry. I just left. I just was like... Yeah, I just left. What was it about her that you just had to get away from it? What was it? It was just... You know, I spent so much time being confined within rules of the military and then working as a civilian for the U.S. government, and I just got tired of rules and confinement. I said, you know what? Only way to free my mind is to free my ass and get up out of here. Hell yeah. I just wasn't ready for a relationship. I just want to crack jokes and have fun.

1:43:51I want to be happy. That's it. That makes sense. Well, here you are. You're doing it, Donnell.

1:43:56Brian Redban:Donnell Grace, congratulations. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Here you go. Donnell Grace, everybody. All right, on to the next one we go. Good job. Good job. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. We're coming around the corner here on it. Make some noise for Tyler Sullivan, everybody.

1:44:22So I recently got some good green through a gay dude. But I'm never going through him again because he pinched my sack.

1:44:35That and he took weed from my bag.

1:44:47I made a chick squirt.

1:44:52Yeah, it was driving me crazy, so I popped this big-ass pimple on her back.

1:45:05Next time, I'll be sure to wear safety goggles.

1:45:11I met a half-black, half-Jewish person. it's the only time I've ever seen a fubu yarmulke

1:45:26hell yeah

1:45:27Brian Redban:Tyler Sullivan, good set welcome, welcome, hell yeah look at you wow, you must be from Katow, Alabama, huh? where are you from? Cleveland, Ohio whoa, Cleveland, Ohio that's near us, look at that okay all right all right all right very good okay so cleveland ohio how long you been in austin you live here now no no i'm leaving tomorrow okay you're just visiting how long have you been here uh three days what have you learned about austin in the three days that you've been here heat yes it is fucking unbelievably scorching nowadays how do you handle the heat you look like you just let it happen and just stay dehydrated am i correct have you had a bottle of water since you landed?

1:46:12Brian Redban:Yeah. Okay. Alright, good. Good. I'm a little concerned about you here. A little concerned. So Tyler, what do you do for work? I work at a restaurant. You what? It's a restaurant. Swenson's in Ohio. Okay, cool. Awesome. And how long have you been doing stand-up? 14 years. 14 years. Hell yeah, you're a funny guy. You work at Hilarity's in Cleveland? I've been there. I've done the open mic when they had it. Okay. You making money doing stand-up at all? I host a show on Thursdays. Where at? It's called Unhinged Lounge. It's at the Unhinged Lounge in Cleveland? Yes. Okay. Well, there's some people definitely listening in Ohio, Northeast Ohio, that might start going to that.

1:46:56Brian Redban:Unhinged Lounge in Cleveland on Thursdays. What time? 8. 8 p.m.? Yeah. There you go. Who knows? There might be fucking four more people there this week. Maybe. I love it. What do you do for fun? You have any hobbies or special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking cuts out, like, magazine pictures of women and then changes their eyes and their mouths and stuff to try to make your dream girl. Only once in a while. What do you do for fun? I play a lot of chess on my phone. Oh, no, I'm with you on that. I am with you on that one. I'm obsessed. Go ahead. Hey, you have the energy of, like, the guy who, like, Like when the dog gets sick, you just shoot it in the backyard.

1:47:41Or if it doesn't get sick.

1:47:42Brian Redban:You look like you would shoot a dog in the back of the head. I was really worried about your haircut, and that it matches your delivery so well that it works as a character. I didn't realize that's what it was. I thought it was just a really bad haircut. But it matches the persona and the delivery. I think you did a really good job, man. You're following some really, really hot comics, too, so you did a good job, man. Nice thing. Yeah, you did really good. Thank you. What's another fun fact about Tyler Sullivan that we would find interesting? What makes you different than everybody else? I have six kids.

1:48:24Brian Redban:No way. Wow. Wait, are they yours? Three are mine. Oh, wow. Yeah. And you're raising three other kids. I am. Wow, what's the age range? What's the youngest? youngest 11 year old twins whoa wow and what's the oldest 21 what's your instagram what red band you're so fucking weird dude it's unbelievable sound effects sound effects

1:48:57Brian Redban:all right um wow tyler so why do i picture this woman and i hope this doesn't sound offensive but this is a comedy show. Why do I picture this woman that you're with is really big? Why do I think she's a big lady? Am I right? Is she over 200 pounds? Not over 200 pounds. Okay. All right. You're on board. I feel like you only date women your size so that when you skin them...

1:49:23You got me. With that drip. Wow.

1:49:28Brian Redban:So what's it like having all those kids? Are they all still in the house? It's Cleveland, so I know it's hard to fucking get them out of there. Two of them are out. Okay. 21-year-olds out? What are they doing? Working at the gas station around the corner? Yeah, she works at Denny's. Yep, that's close. That was my next guess. We know Denny's very well. I'm from Youngstown. Do you know that? Yeah, so I totally get it. Cleveland's like a huge upgrade. Cleveland's like New York City to us in Youngstown. And this is what Cleveland's like, everybody. So imagine. Imagine what I survived. Um, so at Denny's and what's the 19 year olds out?

1:50:10Yeah. He's going to go to Kent state. Nice.

1:50:13Brian Redban:Very good. That's huge. That is huge. He's going to reenact the school shooting. Maybe. They all have good sense of humors like you. Yeah. You've instilled that in them. I think I did. You're a good dad. Yeah. That's great. That's amazing. Tyler. That's incredible. That's some good people up here. Good dad. Military heroes. Tyler, what's your preferred game of chess? Do you do blitz? Do you go long form? What are we doing here? Human chess. All right. Jaron, settle down. Jaron's out of control. This guy's a good guy. He's a good guy. Be nice to him. I don't want to... I think it's just the normal way.

1:50:58Brian Redban:I'm not sure. You just play regular? Yeah. Okay. Not timed or anything? No, it is timed. What's the time? 10? There you go. Okay, well maybe one day when you get to 5 Minute Blitz you'll see me on there. You at chess.com? No, mine is Chess Clash. Get on chess.com, that's the actual thing. It's easy. It's free. It has ads on it. It's free. You guys are dorks. Yeah, we're such dorks. Red Band, you make AI music. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Make it better. Make it better. Check me. Make it better. No, I wrote the lyrics. hey what do you say it's a good day I'm eating hay by the bay you f***ing shut up Jesus Christ he's playing people online using AI that are beating him that's not how it works not how it works not how it works the whole point of playing chess would be to play yourself not to use a computer to win that's a high level shit though I know you saw the Magnus Carlsen documentary anyway Tyler Sullivan I like your f***ing style Here's a big joke, but congratulations.

1:52:07Brian Redban:Fantastic stuff. Thank you for coming out. One final bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. And here we go. He goes by the name of Richie Swarven, everybody. Here comes Richie Swarven.

1:52:28I just got out of a really bad relationship and just wanted to see what it felt like to speak for 60 seconds without being interrupted.

1:52:42No, but being new to Austin, I was back on the apps, back on Tinder. And I had to share a very interesting match that I got. She said it was a bunch of green flags. It was like, you know, I love dark humor and she was gorgeous. About my age, you know, blonde, gorgeous girl. But it was like, I just got diagnosed with a very aggressive, rare form of cancer. turn i just want to have a lot of sex and have fun before starting chemo i know what everyone's thinking like talk about no strings attached is she is she even going to last nine months you know i mean but but it did get me thinking a little further past it that i think there should be a dating app exclusively for people with like potentially terminal illness or a terminal illness because it's awkward to like you know hook up with someone knowing that you may die and i think we can call the app uh final chapter for when you're on your way out and you still want to get it in thank you richie dwarven welcome welcome

1:53:52Brian Redban:so i'm just trying to get it right the new girl has a rare cancer your ex has rare cancer no it was just someone that i matched with on tinder but uh did you hook up with her No, she actually didn't respond to me, which... Damn. It's not common, so she must have died. Yeah, D Madness, he got it. Wow. D's cracking up over here. That's hilarious. Richie, how old are you? I'm 35, turned 36 Saturday. Okay. Wow. Since you told us your birthday, I actually think you might be a 19-year-old girl. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just about nine months now. Nine months. Where at? Just Austin. I did two mics when I was 21.

1:54:36I'm from Detroit. How long have you lived here? Since a week after Thanksgiving. Okay.

1:54:45Brian Redban:Yeah, end of November. Some very interesting mathematical answers we're getting from you. A week after Thanksgiving. I'm not a numbers guy. What do you do for work, Richie? I'm a chef. What are you cooking? I'm at, I'm doing Italian. I'm at Frank and Margie's. I'm not sure if you know the place. This is our senior fat ass correspondent clapping his hands. Oh, yeah, yeah. We do know them. Philip Franklin Lee. That is a great restaurant. I'm the executive sous chef there. Whoa, look at you. That's a big deal. Hell yeah. It's amazing. No, they are fantastic. Yeah, it's very good. We tend to go to his house for Thanksgiving.

1:55:27Brian Redban:Yeah. That is a little tradition. and that's where that's right around when you moved here yeah that's quick with the math on that i love it so what i mean that is incredible because they literally are uh yeah there's no way for you guys to know so i'll just say it they are uh multiple time michelin star winning chefs um yeah and they hired you that's incredible how'd you how do you get a job like that well um since i didn't pursue comedy the last like Zoom. For 10, 15 years, I dove into being a chef because I could be funny at work and that was kind of my outlet. Also, I was a raging alcoholic.

1:56:05Oh, yeah. Super easy to get away with. Yep. And so I kept putting it off, putting it off, putting it off. And then I've been sober almost a year now. And I'm like, why the fuck don't I go to? Nice. It's horrible. Don't clap. It's fucking boring. I don't suggest it. Just keep your shit together and fucking drink. It's awesome. But I can't. But so I don't. But I was like, I came to the realization I was doing like resort jobs. I was in Wyoming in November and I was like, wow, why don't I just fucking move to Austin where I can do both comedy and what I know I'm good at being a chef. So, yeah.

1:56:39Brian Redban:Incredible. If you had to give some advice on how you got sober, what was your trick to it? It's funny you ask because it's been a fucking long journey. Like I've been to rehab more time, like probably inpatient rehabs where you're there for like an extended amount of time. probably 10 plus times i was someone that professionals at rehabs were saying like you're never gonna make it just go like i had people literally tell me to give up that were like paid to tell people not to give up total lost cause total fucking lost cause and after all that this last time i didn't go anywhere didn't do it i just stopped on my own detoxed myself at home which is super dangerous but i hadn't like i don't know what happened it was a while ago and And yeah, I just moved on.

1:57:27I was like, you know what's good for my sobriety? Stand-up comedy in Austin, Texas. That sounds like, that's going to be great. Yeah, right? And this is the first time that I've gotten close to a year without anything. I can't explain it. That is amazing.

1:57:43Brian Redban:So let me ask you, because I find it all so intriguing. Yeah. All the counselors telling you that you're not going to make it. What were they seeing? What were you telling them? Like what made them think that you didn't have a chance? Well, it didn't like it didn't help that I was new. I went to Tucson to stay with my sister and I got it was right when right before COVID started. So anytime I fucked up anywhere, I knew no one but my sister and she was done with me the first time I started drinking again. So I was homeless. So they thought I was like probably like after repeat offending, like trying to find a place to just stay because I was but I'm not I wasn't, you know, doing that to be.

1:58:23off the streets. I really wanted to get better. It just took me so many fucking tries that statistically it does not happen for someone like me. But I was like, I don't know. It just happened.

1:58:36Brian Redban:You know what? After that answer, I think I'm going to get sober too. Sorry. It's been so much fucking rehab. But do you have a special trick that you did? Was there something that you did that made you, or did you just hit absolute bottom? See, that's the weird. I was just talking to my friend about it while I was waiting to get picked. Is that or potentially something? There's just a moment where you hear from people where they're like, all the rehabs, all the all the meetings doesn't mean shit to a lot of people. You just have a moment where you're fucking done. And I had it and I couldn't tell you when it was.

1:59:14It just something clicks. And some people, I think, don't live long enough with the drinking or drugs to get to that kind of drugs were you doing? A lot of cocaine. Yeah, I did do a lot of cocaine back when there wasn't fentanyl in it everywhere. But I didn't do a lot of hard drugs until I moved to Tucson. So it was a weird, weird thing to start heroin at 31. But yeah, I didn't shoot up, though. So like it wasn't as serious. You just snorted it. Yeah, and smoked it. I know, right? They call that waste in it. They call that waste in it when you don't shoot it.

1:59:47Brian Redban:He puts heroin in his brownies. That's a lot of brownies. I don't think you're going to make it. Talk about a food coma.

1:59:57Brian Redban:I love it. Richie, give us one more fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. One more fun fact. Any special skills or talents? Are you really good at something? You seem like the kind of guy that can Pokemon while parkouring, perhaps, at the same time. No, I mean, besides being a chef and thinking or being told I was funny, I used to skateboard, and really, that's all I do is cook and do open mics. So not a lot of other, not a lot of fun. I'm going to set you up for one more big one here. What was the craziest night of drinking and drugs or whatever in which you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm a disgusting animal.

2:00:37Brian Redban:Like what was one example of which you're like, this is the worst. It was one of the times I could say I actually had the realization like this is enough. But it wasn't the last time that I was doing something stupid. But I had an apartment in Tucson and I woke up one morning and there's like 10 people sprawled out with needles like still in their arms while they're passed out. Not dead, but just fucking out. And I was like, this is so gross. And a stripper stole all my whatever that big check you got for doing nothing was back then for the from the government. The income tax return? No, no. The free one that the stimulus check.

2:01:14COVID. Yeah. The stimulus check. I cashed it. So I had all cash and the stripper that was living there with me took all the cash. And I was like, I need to fucking go back to treatment and really get a handle on this. So, yeah, it was just gross. Yeah, because you weren't planning on paying that stripper at all. I didn't have to. I didn't meet her at the strip club. She just came by because she heard it was a great time. Probably.

2:01:38Brian Redban:Tucson, Arizona. This is a tourism ad for Tucson, Arizona. It sucks. I don't like Arizona. If you think Cleveland's scary, vampires. Keep driving through Tucson. Yeah, don't go. Unless you have to, I guess. Richie, fun times, man. I have actually run out of big joke books and golden tickets. I'm kidding. You weren't going to get one. Give him two little ones. No, shut the fuck up. Oh, shit. There he goes. Richie Zwarvin, everybody. Thank you, guys. and we've come to that time ladies and gentlemen we did it we went through uh ten full blown bucket pulls the first episode ever in which we had back to back golden ticket winners and now there's only one way to close an episode like this and it is with a true anomaly a freak of nature this guy just fucking crushed two sets at MSG he kills every time he comes out we love him you love him make some noise for the anomaly the real deal Pat O 'Neill

2:02:55Thank you. Folks!

2:03:00Brian Redban:Girls are so dumb that when you're fucking them they forget to cum.

2:03:10Brian Redban:Silly broads.

2:03:20Brian Redban:Recently I was with this gal, starts calling me daddy. Anytime I'm in bed and a girl does that, I always tell him the same thing. He can't help you now.

2:03:42Brian Redban:I don't think saying daddy is like so much of a fetish though, it is just about how the word sounds, right? Because it's always daddy. Never just dad or papa.

2:03:55Brian Redban:Nobody's ever throwing it back saying, yes, father. Besides altar boys.

2:04:11Brian Redban:Okay, that's it. Thank you. I mean, wow. Just absolutely again and again and again. The best joke. Fucking. I mean, it's just unbelievable. It's unbelievable what the fuck you do up here. Thank you, Tony. It's crazy. And to get to watch you, to get to watch the evolution every week and every place we go and everything to watch. Week after week, the applause get louder. The folks get a huge pop. The folks are too kind. Thank you, folks. Yeah, it is amazing. And it's so fucking deserved. It's just, there's no extra hype. There's nothing that, there's just the best jokes every night all the time.

2:04:55Brian Redban:That is fucking incredible. So stupid they forget to come. It's unbelievable. the whole daddy thing the altar boy finish i mean it's just absolutely fucking amazing what you do you look like a comedian you write like a comedian you execute every joke fucking i mean it's just i'm just a huge fan geron horton i did i just love the energy it's fucking amazing i never seen you live before thanks yeah it's like like it's like it's like if rick and morty did an episode about Scarface.

2:05:30Brian Redban:It's another Rick and Morty remix for you. It happens. It's okay. Don't worry about it. It happens every time someone sees them for the first time. I don't know what it is.

2:05:44Brian Redban:It has to be accurate if this many people say it. I'm going to check in with the wise sage, the man, the myth, the legend that really got this whole Austin comedy scene started, convinced, fucking uh joe would be the first to admit that uh ron is that guy that got us all here uh sold us all on austin this is the fucking boomtown and you've gotten to see pat o 'neill recently because he's been doing uh spots with us on tuesdays yeah well i'd heard all of the uh i've just been hearing a buzz you know so if you have been in stand-up comedy well september 17th 40 years so wow a long goddamn time and uh and uh i walked out on the balcony to watch you do a set and i was like ah damn this kid is so fucking good man and i had to come out and do some stuff with me on the uh in the big room right here and it's just it's just amazing and it's a joy to watch and there's just not very many comics that I'll walk out and watch a set, you know, because I've just seen so much of it.

2:06:51But yours is so original and so much fun. Thanks so much, Ron.

2:06:56Brian Redban:It's absolutely incredible. The punches hit so hard. He follows through with the punches. It's like literally a whole fucking analysis of how the thing is done can kind of be seen and understood just by watching you. It is fucking crazy. and you remind everybody why we love this industry so much. So keep up the great work. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, bro. The great and powerful pattern kneels, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Yeah, we fucking did it. Guys, how much fun did we have tonight, huh? Kill Tony's going to Dallas, September 26th, Houston, October 17th, Vegas, November 13th and 14th.

2:07:35Brian Redban:And again, New Year's Eve at the Moody's Center, December 31st, New Year's Eve. For the fifth year in a row we are doing an arena on New Year's Eve in our hometown of Austin, Texas. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebald is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there during the show. Oh, the great Ron White! Hell yeah! Guys... Damn, you had no black colors over there? Make some noise for the great Geron Horton, everybody! Roast writer, unbelievable comedian, and how about one more time for our favorite human being on planet Earth, the one and only Ron White, ladies and gentlemen.

2:08:15Brian Redban:Follow them on social media. Check out, see when they're coming near you on tour. Red Band. Check out The Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. ATX.com. I love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody.

2:08:46Let's go.

2:09:27Wasted, let's go

2:09:42Thank you.

2:10:12Thank you.