#784 - YAKOV SMIRNOFF + ARI MATTI

21:59Brian Redban:Little mixture of kind of everything and you saw them. What were you expecting to see for you to do the material that you prepared tonight? What would it have taken? What would you have had to look out there and see exactly? What would they have looked like? Yeah, look at this. You have kind of a view on these people. Come get a reverse shot. I mean, it's pretty... It's a pretty crowd. It's a good looking crowd. There's a guy with horns for some reason on a hat. That's fucking weird as shit. That's what the liberals think the whole crowd would look like. It's just crazy people. These people are all retarded idiots.

22:37Brian Redban:I don't even want those as fans. Well, there you go. Great stuff, guys. As I talk about how people think my fan base is retarded. Don't worry about it. I knew it was bad. The black girl did it. It was the black girl, by the way. Do we have the police here? Whoa. That's a joke. I know this guy's like whoa that's rude to say to a black woman what was that you just did you said something in the audience all went ha ha ha I don't understand what's happening look at you what are you doing why are you looking at me like I'm the one being weird silly it is silly it's comedy it's funny it's comedy I just said oh I know okay this fucking guy.

23:24Brian Redban:He's like a, he's like, you're like a guy that goes to a playground to bully kids. No joke book. Get out of here. There goes Frank McGough. No, don't Frank. Don't do it, Frank.

23:40Brian Redban:Let's give Frank a year off. Tell him to take a year off on his way out of signing up. No signing up for a year for Frank. Make it count next time. Are we okay over here, guys? You got glass? It's all good. It's all good. Stop picking it up, sir. Stop doing what you're doing. Have the black woman do it. No, no. Don't do that. Just let a professional come over here. Whoa, it's a lovely Heidi, everybody. There we go. There's someone with a broom and a dustpan. We have the professionals on it. We need a nap. Just people another drink. We're going to need another... What was that? Is that a... Oh, it was that guy's?

24:28Brian Redban:The fucking pedophile? The guy from every pedophile bus video, by the way. Look at this fucking creepazoid. Oh, my God. Catch him in the new movie about... What's his name? Would you like sweet tea? Chris Hansen. Yeah. Cookies and sweet tea over here. This is the kind of guy that would bring his kid to one of those meetups. You bring his own child to a... Alright. That guy looks exactly the same as the other pedophile. There are a lot. There's a lot of pedophiles. There are a few. You know what? Now that I look out at this crowd, I think I'm going to change everything I was going to do tonight.

25:05Brian Redban:I had something prepared for you guys, but now that I see the crowd... Alright. You know, calling a business only to get a voicemail that sounds like it was recorded a decade ago usually ends with an immediate hang-up. Customers do the exact same thing when a call goes unanswered. At some point, the only move left is to say, let's fucking Quo. And today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q-U-O. The business phone system built so you never, ever miss a call. That's right. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2, trusted by over 90 ,000 businesses to stay reachable and professional.

25:46Brian Redban:All calls, texts, and voicemails live in one shared space, allowing any team member to view the conversation history and respond fast. Setup takes minutes on any existing device without requiring it. Red Band? For coverage after hours, Quo offers a built-in AI agent that handles calls and books appointments, so no lead slips through the cracks. Head over to Quo and upgrade today. Money is on the line, people. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus get 20 % off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash Kill Tony. That's Q-U-O dot com slash Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, your second bucket pool of the night.

26:30Brian Redban:60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Ian Sharp, everybody. Here we go.

26:41Hey, how you guys doing tonight? Feeling good? Yeah, I'm feeling great. You wanna know why? Because I had sex. Thank you, thank you. Not like recently or anything, just before, you know? Any of you guys ever have sex before or anybody? It's weird, isn't it, right? It's weird. Like, people call it making love, but it turns out you don't actually have to love someone to have sex with them. You can just lie and it still works. I found that out the first time I ever had sex, you know, I was with this girl and I really loved her, but I could tell that she didn't feel the same about me by the noises that she was making during sex, you know, like I was making the normal sex noise.

27:22I was like, oh yeah, oh yeah, gosh darn it, yeah, you know, things ladies like to hear. Her noises were different though. They were more like, oh hey, Hope you don't take this the wrong way. I just want to be friends after this. Phil, has you ever been friend-zoned inside of someone before? All right, thank you.

27:49Brian Redban:Ian Sharp. Welcome, Ian. Is this your first time on the show? It's my third. Oh, okay. It's been a while. Yeah, it has. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? About 15 years. Wow, 15 years. Where at? Mostly out of Chattanooga, Tennessee, but I've been here for the past two. Nice. How are you enjoying Austin? Oh, I love it. I love it. It's great. You get all the time in the world you want to do, so it's great. Yeah, a lot of stage time here. What else do you do? What do you do for work, Ian? I work in IT. I do, like, help desk stuff. Yeah, thank you. Wow, this lady's very excited about IT.

28:22Brian Redban:What an exciting life she must live, everybody. The lithium settled for a second so that you could applaud being in the IT industry. Anyway, Ian Sharp, what do you do for fun? For fun? I play a lot of D &D. I live stream video games. I do all the nerdy stuff. Oh, my goodness gracious. Redbin, you must be hard as a rock right now. That's absolutely incredible. Dungeons and Dragons. Yep. Online gaming. What kind of online gaming are you doing? Oh, I got into Elden Ring recently. That game is incredible. Wow. I'm surprised that you got into it recently. Yeah. You look like you could have made that video game with your imagination.

29:07It was right up my alley. I should have got into it sooner.

29:10Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. So out of everything that I've learned about you, I don't believe that you've ever had sex before. Was that fiction? Or are you just making it up? I mean, I like to be a man of mystery. So if any of these ladies in the room here tonight want to figure that out, I don't know. No, I don't know. That's probably not. Sounds creepy as fuck. I'm a man of mystery. I'm a man of mystery. You never know. Probably show up. Only works at a residence. Oh, my God. Renaissance festival. Wow. Great stuff, Red Man. Definitely talk more. Anyway. So, Ian, let's just get real here for a second.

29:49Brian Redban:Man of mystery. When is the last time you actually had sex with a woman? About a year ago. A year ago. So it was here in Austin, Texas. Yes. And just take us on the adventure, if you will. Like, do you meet her out and about? Are you, like, at a bar? Are you on a dating app? How does it go down for Ian Sharp? So this is a good story. I got booked on a show. I did the show. And then the girl that was the loudest, drunkest person... Great start. ...was like... She was like, hey, I want to suck your dick tonight. And I was like, well, that sounds like a good deal. Wow. She told you that? Yeah, she told me that.

30:25Did you do, like, a Dungeons and Dragons? like well i didn't bring up i didn't bring it up at all wow and so then what happened uh then we

30:34Brian Redban:got in my car yakov has a question you didn't bring it up how did you have sex i mean it was difficult it was difficult uh we we we got in my car

30:56so we got in my car and we went to a gas station parking lot and had sex in the back seat

31:03Brian Redban:perfect okay now i have more questions that's a that's a big car huh what kind of what kind of car that was my next question i gotta know what kind of car it was believe it or not tony it's a Kia Soul. Wow! That's unbelievable. Kia Soul. As we know, that is a small car. That is the horn of a Kia Soul. If you ever hear that, you're about to get hit by a Kia. Wait, that's the actual horn. That's incredible. Alright, so there you guys are doing the old clown horn in the back of a Kia Soul. Now, is this a bigger lady? Is she a little thick like you? She's about the same size as me. Whoa, wow. I mean, okay now i gotta know what gas station was it and what was the exact date because i need the security footage from this shit well i'll tell you as we were pulling out i did notice on the other side of the parking lot there were cops parked there so we were so lucky yeah super lucky the cops are probably like let's just stay in our fucking cars

32:07That means you got lucky? I'm confused. Okay.

32:14Brian Redban:So, I mean, holy shit. So it's you and another thick little lady in the backseat of IKEA Sol. And I mean, is she on top of you or do you guys try to do like missionary position? Well, we... There you go, Red Band. there he is. Stick to the soundboard, buddy. Unless you're gonna go to the re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re renaissance fair.

32:41So, we tried a lot of different things and it's like, uh... We tried a lot of different things.

32:46Brian Redban:You tried a lot of different positions? Oh my God. It smelled the worst. Okay. Red band. Come on. Oh, come on. So when you say you tried different things, come on. take us through it take us through the adventure i mean we were two you know i mean generously sized people in a not so generously sized car so it was really like it was like playing tetris but the level was too small we were trying to figure out exactly how to make the math work and it it i'll tell you it wasn't good sex right okay let me ask you this about how long does it last from insertion to completion a lot of mush just uh i didn't really keep track of time just a ball At one point, you bang your own titties by accident.

33:34So much fucking stuff.

33:39Brian Redban:Maybe 30 minutes. Wow, that is long. 30 minutes, multiple positions. Look at this police officer looking like that. God damn it, we should have done something that night. You're just going to let this guy film a full-on fucking porno length? They got to get their cut, too, you know? Wow. I don't think they want that cut. Okay, so let me ask you this. Condom or no condom? Ooh, ooh. Well, I didn't have one on me. And I, you know, it was after a show. So we did raw dog it. Wow. Absolutely incredible. That's a man right there, dude. Final question. You ready for this? Here we go. Did you pull out?

34:21Brian Redban:Yes. Okay, where did you shoot your load? Turns out I had another question I didn't tell you about. Well, she requested it on her face. Are you serious? How are you doing this in a Kia Soul? I told you it was hard. I wouldn't be able to do this with a girl my size in a Kia Soul. All right, get it. I'll give you her face. It's incredible. I know, right? This is, you'd have to be on the back window just fucking. I told you it was a good story. Again, the police are literally like, let's just not, let's go beat up a black guy somewhere. We don't want to. The last thing we want to do is get in between these two pigs raw-dogging in the back of a fucking go-kart.

35:04Brian Redban:Holy shit. I mean, that is absolutely incredible to find out that you had car sex. And Ikea Soul, of all things. The magic of stand-up, dude. You kill on stage, anything is possible, dude. It's amazing. I have charisma. I don't know. It's amazing. You do. It's the first time a Kia Soul's not gotten into an accident and got totaled at the same time. This is amazing. That car is unsellable after this. I mean, can you imagine? She blasted off in her face? I mean, you know, I'm a gentleman. I do what she asks. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. And then did you, like, what did you grab to wipe her off? She ate it.

35:42Brian Redban:Yeah, yeah. Red band, red band. Seriously, just relax, red band. Did she do, like, a... I think I had a shirt or something, you know. A shirt? Okay, you had an extra shirt. Is it your Kia Soul or was it hers? It was mine. Wow, okay, that's good, because I was afraid she was going to have to drive afterwards with cum in her eyes. But this is good. So, did you drop her off? And I'm sorry, Yakov, by the way. Yakov's like, what the fuck? I thought I was going on the biggest show in the industry. This shit's fucking disgusting. I know. Sometimes we get a little wacky here. I, yes.

36:20But then again, I was roommates with Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah. So this is PG.

36:28Brian Redban:Exactly, exactly. You get it. You get it all the way. Ian, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you out of here? I mean, last time I talked about it, I used to tour in a metal band. I don't know if that's interesting or not. That went well? Yeah. That went good. What was the metal band again? With Faith or Flames. We toured a bunch, and we're on a little bit of MTV. Not much, but... MTV? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. So it's a technicality. We were background music on a reality dating show. Oh, well, there you go. That still counts. I got a royalty check. That counts. Very good.

37:00Brian Redban:Very good. I'm pretty sure you're going to get a royalty check from the fine people over at Kia tonight as well. For the advertising you did for them is absolutely incredible. Here's a big joke book. Hey, thank you. Congratulations. There goes Ian Sharp. That should be a Kia Soul commercial. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. Just them, too. It's a roomy car. Yeah. They need help right now. I love it. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, by the way? By the way, a little fun fact. Coming soon to KillMerch.com, Heidi farts in a jar. She farts in a jar and sells it on KillMerch.com. How many of you want to buy a Heidi fart in a jar, huh?

37:41Brian Redban:All right, Red fan. Okay, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Kylie Kaiser, everybody. Kylie Kaiser.

37:55I'm originally from a small town and I didn't have a very good transition into big city living. Literally in the first year that I lived in a city, my roommate and I were robbed at gunpoint in our apartment. Yeah, it was pretty scary. The guy followed my roommate inside when she got home from work. That's how he got in the place. And when the cops came later, they checked out the apartment complex, the situation. They said, based on the layout, he must have been staking us out for a while to know when to follow her at the right moment, right? That was really traumatizing for me to hear personally, because I had just gotten home an hour before her.

38:40Didn't pick me, what the fuck? The cop looked me in the eye and said, Angela is so small, he probably just thought he could take her easier.

38:52We got really lucky, though. The guy only took our cell phones. That whole experience, the guy only took our cell phones. The cops said we were really fortunate we didn't have anything of value in our apartment.

39:04I was deemed ugly, fat, and broke by a criminal and a deputy. Do you understand? Thank you, guys. I'm Kylie.

39:09Brian Redban:Kylie Kaiser. Funny stuff, Kylie. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? So I have been doing it about three and a half years. My first time on the show, I was three months in. Wow, three and a half years. Remind us what happened last time you were on. I got to do a guest spot with Dave Attell here. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. It was awesome. I was so new and I just wanted to work till I came back. That's awesome. What a great story. Sometimes I'm, you know, we help so many damn people that sometimes I forget about it. Sometimes they fall through the cracks. It's been a long time.

39:40Brian Redban:Yeah, it's been a while. Yeah. It's been a while. Yeah, see, you know. I know. I'm 35, I know. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So Kylie, tell us, what have you been up to the last three years since you've been on the show? Honestly, a really big thing happened to me that same week. I was on the show, did the show with Dave, and then I met my biological dad for the first time. Wow. How did that happen? Honestly, we had been like... Explain how that happened so this black woman can maybe one day get to meet her dad. This is amazing. she's laughing by the way, you fucking weirdos on the internet. Look at Tony being racist again.

40:22Brian Redban:All right, go ahead. I was kind of like going through a rough time, like a few months before this. And my mom who like has no contact with him, reached out to him and was kind of like stereotypical therapy shit. She was like, maybe Kylie could work through some of this if she knew you. And she told me that information and I did nothing with it for a while. Cause I was like, I don't really want to fuck with this. And then I eventually just decided to message him. and he had flown me out to meet him the week of your show that I was on. So it was a week after the show, right? Yeah, yeah. So we had messaged for like six months before I actually went to meet him.

40:54Brian Redban:Where did he fly you to? California. And, wow. Where do you live? You live here, right? I live here. Right. And what is... What, what, what, what, what, what? Like Comfort Plus or... That's a good question. Listen, if you're flying your daughter out that you've ignored... I think it was Southwest. I recall. You had to fight for your seat to meet your dad? Fuck, America's rough. Burbank Airport? He had money, though. That's the crazy part. That's the best case scenario if you meet your estranged dad. So he lived like in wine country in California. That was my next question. What does he do for a living?

41:25He works in like sales for some kind of tech.

41:28Brian Redban:But he did really good for himself. Yeah, yeah. Big home. Yeah. You had your own bedroom when you went there. Did you stay with him? Finally, finally. I did, yeah. Met him, met my sister. I was just in her wedding last year. So that's been a lot of my life lately. Oh, that's great. Hey, look at that. Full circle. Yeah, it's so nice. I've never met my dad. I contacted him. He didn't want to. The very first time, so I was scared about this because I had contacted my dad like when I was 21 and when I had to open the message about this to reach out, my message left on read was there. So, yeah, getting ghosted by your dad is different.

42:00Yeah, my mom died and then I wrote to him, can I meet you? And he said, no, thank you. No, thank you. Super cool. You got a flight and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really like that, yeah. You could have been on Southwest. That's so disappointing.

42:14Brian Redban:So what did you learn about your dad that like you guys have in common? Because I find it all so interesting, nature versus nurture. Was there some stuff that lines up? Yeah, I talk about this all the time. So my grandparents raised me actually. And my mom and I are more alike than I am to them. And then I met my dad and it really felt like all the pieces I didn't understand. Like he's one of the only family members. He's come to a ton of my comedy shows. My mom's been to a couple. But I get definitely like my fucked up humor from him. music tastes like we've been to concerts together we went to a strip club together whoa strip club together yeah that's amazing but did he get did he what was that like

42:55well we both had a good time i'll say that whoa not together all right well you have to clarify because meeting your dad in that situation like is kind of like online dating like we were talking for a long time and then met in person you know what i mean i was like is he gonna look like his pictures? Is he going to pay for everything? Is he going to try to fuck me?

43:12Brian Redban:That's hilarious. I don't know. It's kind of like you have a lot in common with him probably. Great stuff, Red Band. Nature nurtures wild, so it really is cool. It is. What do you do for work, Kylie? I bartend part-time at Roscoe's Comedy Club. Oh, nice. And that's all you do? Yeah, I do a little bit of stuff here and there with marketing things. People will pick up freelance. I have a degree in writing. so okay very good yeah very good what's your love life like i have a boyfriend what does he do he's an architect oh is he successful yeah wow look at that yeah he's good he's very supportive he comes to like all my shows wow yeah that's incredible yeah thank you one guy that's actually him that's your boyfriend he's here you know i would love to have you on the secret show thursday Whoa, look at that.

44:04Brian Redban:Wow. Someone obviously took his blue shoe gold tonight. Look at you. I could play her father. Oh, my God. Normally they have to show some cleavage or something to get on this secret show. I wanted to know it was real, so I wore this. Amazing. It worked. It worked. The tight jeans worked for Red Band tonight. Great job, too. Thank you, Ari. I really love a bit that makes you imagine a visual thing, like with your timing and the confidence, the way you set up, like when you did the bit, I imagined the guy in the bush, you know, looking who goes in the house. And then she, then he sees you and she's like, and he's like, ah, fuck.

44:45And then he sees your friend. He's like, okay. A hundred percent true to the craziest part. I don't know that he, I don't know that he didn't pick me on purpose, but he picked her in that sense.

44:54Brian Redban:I love that. Yeah. Amazing. Yakov, you got to see Roseanne Barr when she started and so many greats, the legends, Whoopi Goldberg, Sandra Bernhardt back in the day. Any words of encouragement or anything for Kylie Kaiser? I remember watching Roseanne Barr in Denver when nobody knew her. And she had that personality, very strong. And I think you have that as well. You had us all for the first 20 seconds when you were telling the story. You were intense. We were like, I'm going, am I in group therapy right now? Thank you. Thank you so much. But that's a great setup for a great story and punchline.

45:46So good luck.

45:47Brian Redban:Yeah, thank you. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Without a doubt. Yeah. Kylie Kaiser, here's a big joke book. Boom. There you go. Kylie didn't think she would catch it, so she tried to get me to hand it to her, and then I nailed it against her chest, which is what I'm known for. I'm the greatest joke book tosser in all the world, if anybody is keeping track. I make Tom Brady look like a lazy schmuck, but with joke books. Hey, y 'all. Half the year is over. If your credit still needs work, the time is now. Now, Kickoff makes building credit simple and affordable, and I always tell my friends that good credit opens a lot of doors.

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47:05Brian Redban:With hundreds of thousands of positive reviews, there's a reason why Kickoff is the number one credit builder on the App Store. I mean, look at Heidi. You want a girl like Heidi? You have to have good credit, or you're going to end up with an ugly partner. Start building credit with Kickoff today, and get your first month for as little as$1. That's 80 % of the normal price when you go to getkickoff.com slash killtony today. That's kickoff without the C. Get K-I-K-O-F-F dot com slash killtony. Okay, this looks like an interesting name. Put your hands together for Luther Thompson, everybody. Luther Thompson.

47:45So a little about me. I was child trafficked out of Russia at age six. True story. Parents use the term adopted, so it's a tomato-tomato kind of situation going on there. One of the main questions I get asked when people find out I'm from Russia or adopted from Russia is, do you want to go back? Go back? Do I look like I want to be generationally poor and drunk? And don't get me wrong, I'm poor here, but I'm American poor. American poor is the equivalent of, Olga, hide my yacht before it gets seized over there. Being poor sucks no matter where you're at. Have you ever been so poor you hid under the kitchen sink when the landlord showed up because you haven't paid your rent in two months?

48:36Needless to say, I now live in my car. It's not that bad. The only issue I'm having is finding a place to hide when the repo man shows up. And I think I found a good spot. They're still going to repo me. But guess what? I still have my house and I've upgraded to a gated community. Thank you. I'm Luther. That's been my time. Luther Thompson.

48:59Brian Redban:You know, you can't even make this shit up. That was the set you were going to do no matter who was here, huh? No matter what. I was coming out here with that set. You were sex trafficked to Russia? Out of Russia. Out of Russia. and you just so happen to have the greatest Russian comedian of all time and a guy that everybody thinks is the greatest Russian comedian of all time. It couldn't have gone any better, I'll be honest. What are the odds? Couldn't have gotten any better. Yeah, you have those beautiful, cold Russian eyes. Take them off and look at like a camera. Like, take them off. Look at these eyes.

49:34Oh, yeah, look at that. This is Russian shit right here.

49:37Brian Redban:Oh, my God. Except the guy from Die Hard. This is cold. Oh, goodness. this. I mean, it is incredible. I watch World War II documentaries all the time and they do a thing called World War II in color. They've colorized all the old footage. I think we're kind of... That is everybody. This is everyone on the German side. They didn't have glasses back in World War II, but look at that. Brothers, I believe you were both trafficked from the same family. But wait, wait, wait. Is this like material or like really stuff? No, I was actually adopted from Russia. Adopted? Okay. Yes, I was in traffic. That's just a joke my parents are going to hate when they hear it.

50:22Brian Redban:So this is incredible. Let's talk about it. You're born in Russia from a Russian couple. How did you get adopted to America? So I was in an orphanage. I actually have a biological sister who was also adopted with me at the same time. I blame her for being put into the orphanage. My parents were probably fine with me. She came out. Into the orphanage we go. She will also hate that when she hears it. Then they also adopted my brother at the same time. So you have a brother and a sister. You guys all came out of the same vagina. Nope. Okay, no. None of you came out of the same vagina. My brother's not.

51:01But we were all three adopted in 1997.

51:03Brian Redban:Is the brother Russian too? Yes, all three of us are. Where are your parents getting these Russians from? You know, apparently it was pretty popular in Iowa to do so because... Cheaper. Because there was like a whole group of like 10 families all in central Iowa that adopted in like a two-year span. And we all got together on a regular basis. And, you know, we've all disconnected since then. But I remember growing up, there were quite a few families. Even in my town, there was one family that also adopted from Russia. It was pretty cool. This is absolutely... How old were you? I was six. My sister was five.

51:42So you don't speak any Russian? Not anymore. My mom was a teacher before she semi-retired to be a stay-at-home mom. For the first six months after they got us here, she did nothing but teach us. Like, homeschooled us. The parents that adopted you, they're like rich? I wouldn't call them rich at the time, but they're pretty well off now. Because it seems like, you know, like, let's get a Russian. You know, like it's it's like an Angelina Jolie. Like, let's get a fucking Russian.

52:11Brian Redban:John D's actually whispered in my ear a great question. Are you the world's worst spy? I am actually waiting for the activation word. Look at that. Incredible. So you've been in America since you were a baby. Is your sister older than you? No, I'm the oldest. How much older than you are you? By 11 months. I'm older than her. Wow, your parents were just nutting inside of each other and giving it away. Drunk and fucking. Look at that, Russian breeders. Absolutely incredible. A lot of vodka. Do you have any fetal alcohol syndrome? I do not. I don't believe. I actually am not a big drinker myself.

52:51We'll see how that goes. But if I do drink it, it is vodka. Right. You know? Yakov. Well, it's in the blood. Yeah. It is, yeah. It's definitely, I mean, they fought this for years, you know, and at some point the guy, like the leader of the Communist Party, went to a factory and asked one of the workers, if you had a glass of vodka, could you work today? And the worker said, yes, I think I could. And he said, if you had two glasses of vodka, could you work? And he said, I think I could. He said, if you had three glasses of vodka, could you work? He said, I'm here, aren't I?

53:39Funny story, actually. I distinctly remember seeing you in Branson, Missouri, on one of my family trips. Wow! Look at this!

53:49Brian Redban:This is all coming full circle. One of the six million people. We had a yearly family day to commemorate our adoption, and one of the places we typically went was Branson, Missouri. And you were doing a show one of those years and we went and saw you. It was a good time. I was pretty young, so I don't fully remember all your comedy. But I remember you. I remember you. I can't forget those eyes. That's right. That's right. So here you are. You could have been a Russian factory worker probably out there fucking killed. Bro, thank God. I gotta tell you. Jesus Christ, you pulled us out, huh? I know.

54:30Holy fuck, bitch!

54:32Brian Redban:So here you are. I could be on the front line right now. You could be. Well, I mean, I don't know if they like gays in their military, but... They would take everybody. Yeah, they would, yeah. I'm pretty sure they'll take anybody. I think they're pretty desperate. They take everybody. Pretty sure that's all they have left. Have you contacted their parents, too? What's that? Have you contacted their parents? I have no idea who my parents are. in my opinion I could care less who they are. Can you believe this Yakov? He doesn't care about you at all. Fuck him.

55:05Brian Redban:Let's do a blood test before we come to conclusions. Yakov hasn't even adopted any Russian people. He's 75. He has a one year old with his nuclear nuts. He'd rather shoot he's making babies out of dust over here rather than adopting a Russian. Your parents are saints. So what do you do for work now that you're living the American dream? You got saved. So I work for Tesla. Wow. And I serve on the weekends. Oh, okay. So, I mean, Tesla, obviously, you know, Elon's a smart guy. He works on a budget. Full-time at Tesla. You're still picking up shifts. Yeah, got to work like nobody else today so you can play like nobody else tomorrow.

55:48Wow. Look at that.

55:49Brian Redban:Someone has a tearaway calendar. Incredible. Incredible, Luther. My goodness. How long have you done stand-up? I'll be honest. This will be my first big stage I've ever done. But I did some... I did some... I'll call them open mics. They were more like poetry open mics. That's what open mics are. They all feel that way. It's rough. It's very rough out there. Back in Iowa before I moved here. Very nice. Des Moines? Very close. Ames. Wow. Wow, so you're kind of out there in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, I grew up in a blink and you miss a town, so. In a what? Blink and you miss it. You're going down the interstate and there it is.

56:33Brian Redban:Oh, blink and you miss it. There's a little bit of a Russian accent still in there. Blink and you miss it. What I really liked is like, so you haven't been on stage too much, right? No. So I saw, you know, when you're so close to a performer like here, I saw you like shaking a little bit and being nervous. so you can tell it's a new, like he's a new artist. But you stuck to your script and you like paused at the right places and you still fucking did it. You weren't like a bitch like, nice to be here, Tony. I've watched this show since the beginning. It is true. You fucking, you stick to the script, you do the thing, and then you talk honestly.

57:15Brian Redban:And you talked about your life, dude. Before I let you go, Luther, do you know what part of Russia you were born in? Um, supposedly I was born in Irkutsk. Have you heard of Irkutsk? Yeah, very much so. Yeah. What's that place? Siberia. It's, yeah, yeah. Tough, tough territory. Yeah. Holy shit, you got lucky. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. I count my lucky stars out here. Yeah. Yeah. The dogs are very fast there. Yeah. They are. Siberian Huskies. Actually, they're very fast because the trees are like two miles apart. So they have to run fast to get to the next tree. Wow. Oh, my. Information you don't need to know.

58:02Brian Redban:No, I love that shit. We love that shit here. We've been doing this show 13 years. We need new information. We always like good stuff. So, are you gay? No. No? No. You have a girlfriend? No, single. Are you dating? No. How long have you been in Austin? Two months. Have you kissed a girl yet since being in Austin? Have you? I have not. I've seen the show. You haven't? Oh, we gotta get a girl. Is there a girl out there? Is there a girl out there that's willing to... You in the white shirt. Get your ass over here. Look at this little cutie. Come on up here, sweetheart. Oh, she's got bouncy tits. Oh, my God.

58:45Brian Redban:This is incredible. She's about to get a spot at the Secret Show on Thursday night. She's never done a joke a day in her life. This is amazing. You're about to kiss a little cutie with fat tits. Look at this. All right, ever since we started the show, we do a little segment where if a person hasn't had their first kiss in the city that we're in, they get their first kiss. I mean, she looks like she's going to go for it. Are you really going to give them a big one? What's your name, sweetheart? Liesel Weasel? Liesel? Liesel? Wow, that's a wacky name I like your style, Liesel Liesel, how do you spell that?

59:29Brian Redban:L-I-E-S-E-L Okay, Liesel adopted from Russia I hope not Liesel, this boy is moved to the live comedy and the live music capital of the world Are you from here, Liesel? No, I'm from Baltimore. Oh, Baltimore. Oh, shit. And I drove here. And you drove here from Baltimore. Damn, you're a little fucking cold-blooded killer. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Luther Thompson's first ever Austin, Texas kiss.

1:00:04Brian Redban:Wow. Look at that. Look at the look on Luther's face. Unbelievable. What a country. Liesl, here's a big joke book for you. Boom. Luther, here's a big one for you. Boom. There we go. Liesl, let's have you on the secret show, Liesl. Liesl's on the secret show on Thursday. Welcome to Austin. Don't wear a bra that night either. Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. All right, we're having fun here tonight. How about one more time for my guests, Ari, Maddie, and Yakov Smirnov. We're having fun. Now we get to sit back and enjoy a minute, perhaps more than a minute, from one of our great regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has to write and perform a new minute every single week.

1:00:56Brian Redban:Ari Matty used to do it all the time before he became an international superstar. Well, while he became an international superstar, live on this show. It's a big, big, hard job. He does it every week. Make some noise. This is the former dark storm of Atlanta, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

1:01:21Hey, y 'all. Guys, I wrote this down after a traumatic incident where, like, me and my girlfriend got into a fight in front of our friends. What you know about... Don't even try to cuddle me after Uno. I can't get comfy with a reverse drop foreass op. Since you want to skip so much, how about skip out on these cuddles, nigga? You know what I'm saying? That's what I wrote. What you know about having to get into a bar fight with a Botox salesman because she won't stop trying to sell your white girlfriend Botox and Botox salesmen remind you of crackheads trying to sell crack because you kind of like, nigga, look what it did to you.

1:02:15Like, I get, if y 'all love Botox or Botox, if you want a girl whose face is frozen in time, that's okay. But leave my white woman out of it. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, she's cute. She's adorable. And she is, she's pale as hell, too. And it's true what they say. Once you go pale, she'll make you eat kale. You know what I'm saying? That's true. Am I the only one that heard that? But it is crazy because white women always care about what they eat. She want organic shit in her body, but she'll fill her face up with yuppie concrete. You know what I'm saying? That shit is disgusting. I fucking hate Botox.

1:02:57Dating a white girl is dangerous because I was recording my comedy special and I went to go kiss her on her forehead. Because a forehead kiss is God and nature's antidepressant. right like if you kiss you give a girl the cranium smooth she okay she don't need zoloft right and i use it as good luck and i kissed the forehead and before i was about to record my homeboy slapped me behind the head he was like nigga you doing coke you know i'm saying because some of her porcelain dust makeup got on my nose and i was like my nigga i do white girl but not that kind of white girl. That's my time. I love y 'all.

1:03:37Brian Redban:Dedrick Flynn. Fuck yeah, Dedrick. Welcome back, my friend. How you doing? I'm doing fantastic. I loved it. It all felt real to me. Uno can get frustrating out there with people. Why do you do that to me? Uno is because it's so cheap. I think it's designed to break family and friends apart. It really is. It's supposed to break you up from the person you're sitting next to because that's the person that does. They hit the reverses. They hit the skips. So it's better, I think, if you want to keep your relationship solid, put someone in between you and your loved one. You say that until you start playing like rainbow or stacking where you can like reverse to the person and then make the next person drop.

1:04:23It's a bunch of different – like it's like different elevations. There's like standard uno where you can still have a family. and then like there's the other unos where it's out for blood and it's just you know they but this is where sharks go it's like a feed and frenzy on your people that you love you shouldn't play monopoly you shouldn't play that with people you love uh dice you know like any kind of dice i've seen my uncles go down over every kind of dice do black people play monopoly i didn't i've

1:04:55Brian Redban:I've never thought of this before. Do you guys start in jail?

1:05:03Does one person have all the money?

1:05:13Your people are famous for Rico's, but here you are. We started that.

1:05:20Brian Redban:Black Monopoly does sound like its own game, though. It does. You guys just don't pay rent sometimes.

1:05:32Brian Redban:A lot of no-get-out-of-jail-free cards, by the way. Zero of them. What's the pieces? Tony might not be straight, but he is straightforward. That is true. And I think that's the thing we live our lives on. How dare you? Stop being mean to me. How dare you? I was trying to open up about it. Now I feel generational guilt. Black Monopoly is its own bit, by the way. That is... If you don't take it, I'll take it. For sure, yeah. Black Monopoly. I'll take it. I'll finish this one. Black Monopoly. Got a new game. Black Monopoly. I have been to jail. Yeah. You're the only person I've ever met that goes to jail in Japan and changes nothing about his life.

1:06:11No, no, no, no, no. But it's crazy because... You went to jail. You came back. I was like, you're okay. You were like, ah. Yeah. Because it wasn't there. But it's crazy because Future just put out his new album. And then his song is Konnichiwa that he filmed in Tokyo, Japan. But when I bring Molly Perkins, it says...

1:06:32Brian Redban:That is pretty crazy. That is a good point. That's fucked up, dude. Future can get away with it. That's amazing. Dedrick, so much fun. How's everything else going? You been on the road? Yeah. Actually, this past weekend was the first time I haven't done comedy on the road every weekend. I went and married two of my best friends because I'm an officiant. And that was my first Jewish wedding that I got to conduct. That was a Jewish... You conducted... Yeah, I got to have a nagira, two niggas. That shit was fucking good. You ever have a nagira, nigga? That shit is fun as fuck. No. You just get to have a nagira.

1:07:08Brian Redban:Is that the word? You know the word. Is that the word? Yes. I think you're the only one that can say that. I can say the hava part, but then it's only... It's you that can say. So let me ask you this.

1:07:25Brian Redban:So you officiated. You officiated a wedding? I've done so many of them. He said that he officiated a wedding, and I didn't believe it. And then he said a Jewish wedding, and I'm like, that sounds about right, because I bet you don't charge much. No, I charge. You charged him for that? Yeah, yeah. I charge for purebred weddings more than I do interracial weddings. Oh, it's like porn. It's like porn. I think gay weddings is the cheapest, cause they got more acts coming out and shit like that. Yeah. But when it's purebred, you gotta stick to the script. They parents religious, so I charge them more.

1:08:00At like a gay wedding, you can say whatever you want. You can have fun, but like, when you, when I'm telling too many jokes, they mom is standing up when she not supposed to be standing up, I'm trying to do vows and shit. So it's difficulty.

1:08:13Brian Redban:Did the dads ever show up to the gay weddings? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, both of them.

1:08:21Brian Redban:Dedrick, we love you. You're the man. I love you, everybody. Great appearance by Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. Anything can happen, as you know. Knock, knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue who? Exactly. Jesus Christ. Anyway, this ad is for Morgan and Morgan. Morgan & Morgan has been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. Did you know that, Red Band? That's half your age. I did not. Let's go. They're America's largest injury law firm. They're America's largest injury law firm with more than 1 ,000 lawyers and 100 offices nationwide. They've also recovered over$35 billion for their clients.

1:09:10Brian Redban:And unlike Red Band, they can all read. So if you've been injured because somebody else was negligent, you probably have more important things to worry about than terrible lawyer jokes. You can check out Morgan & Morgan at ForThePeople.com slash Tony. Their fee is free unless they win, and whoever wrote that joke should probably be sued. Now back to the show.

1:09:38Brian Redban:All right, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Dr. Chuck, everybody. Here we go. Here's Dr. Chuck. Oh, my God, yes. Make some noise for Dr. Chuck, everybody.

1:09:52Hello. My name is Charles K. Sestok IV, and I am a MILF, a mathematically inclined-looking fellow.

1:10:07I'm an electrical engineer, which means I'm doing the devil's work according to the Amish.

1:10:19I like age-appropriate humor. I have a urology joke, but I can hold it.

1:10:29I'm old school. Cash is king. Because you can't have a hit country song if you're named Johnny Bitcoin.

1:10:41Clearly, I overdid the academic side of life. I earned a PhD in electrical engineering, a bachelor's in physics, and a master's in virginity.

1:10:56But hey, I just got some pussy.

1:11:09Too bad it came from Red Band. Ah! Oh, my God! What the hell? Oh, my God!

1:11:21Brian Redban:Oh, my God! Wow! Dr. Chuck has arrived in the Kill Tony universe!

1:11:33Wow!

1:11:37Wow.

1:11:38Brian Redban:Absolutely amazing performance, Dr. Chuck. I mean, down to the second. You handled this like an absolute, like a genius. Thank you. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over three years. Wow, just over three years. Where at? What mad laboratory have you been doing this at? Primarily in Dallas. Okay, that's where you live? Yep. Amazing. Is that where you were born and raised? No, I was born and raised in the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan. Oh, wow. Okay. That makes sense. You survived. Look at you. You got a PhD, a bachelor's, and this and that. Welcome, welcome. Hell yeah, man. So, incredible.

1:12:20Brian Redban:What made you start comedy three years ago? Well, a friend was running an open mic and said, why don't you give it a try? I stuck my toe in. I remember getting a laugh and, you know, immediately felt like, you know, this was a lot of fun. I guess looking back, you know, I kind of related to Rodney Dangerfield on The Tonight Show as a kid. And I remember when he performed at Ronald Reagan's inaugural, he kind of stopped his rhythm and talked about feeling like, you know, weight, heaviness as a kid. And, you know, at least I could relate to that. And I could also relate to kind of getting on stage and bringing people joy.

1:13:03It kind of lifts that weight. You know, so I kept going. Amazing.

1:13:09Brian Redban:So electrical engineering. Yep. And I am imagining that you are just a master of it. Can you tell us exactly what does that mean? Can you explain to like a... Well, we design computer chips. but I do have a lot of patents, but only one of them is funny. Ah, tell us the funny patents. I have a patent on a poop detector for a robot vacuum. Wow. Really? Wait, wait, wait. Really? Really? Yeah. So you sell it to the companies that make the robot vacuum cleaner, and how does it recognize poopy? Nobody actually bought it, because it was too big, but the technology worked, so it was patented. It's basically like a fancy version of the capacitive touch sensor on your phone, but it's able to sense moisture as well as proximity.

1:14:03Brian Redban:Humidity. There you go. Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redband, is very intrigued over here. My dad's actually also an electric engineer. He has tons of patents too, but none of them are sexy like that. That's pretty sweet. I'm not sure that's sexy, but it is amusing. You are amazing. Amazing. How tall are you, by the way? 6 '5 in my socks. Wow, 6 '5 in his socks. Absolutely incredible, Dr. Chuck. Now, have you been married? Do you have kids? What have you been doing your whole life? Tell us more. You are a man of great mystery and aura. Aura. Well, I am single, but I do have a woman. She just has poor boundaries.

1:14:47Anytime that she's under pressure, she shushes me. I got to get her patched.

1:15:00I didn't want to be a celebrity at discount tire Do you have any children? You're great

1:15:09Brian Redban:D Madness is out here Look at the hand for D Madness Dr. Chuck I have so many questions So Do you really have a girlfriend or no? No That was just a joke. No. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Because you look like you seem too smart to even have a woman. You seem like you would be annoyed by the ignorance of just a yappy bat with a vagina hole. It's like Dr. Manhattan shit. I haven't really been very successful in relationships. But if I look back at it, it's probably, you know, unprocessed resentments towards my mom. She was pretty depressed when I was a kid. And you have kind of an ambivalent parent when you're young.

1:15:58It affects your social development.

1:16:01Brian Redban:I have never in my life heard somebody actually answer the question honestly. That is amazing. This guy is so smart. He's got it all figured out. That's electrical engineering. He's connecting the dots. He really is. He really is. So what's the longest relationship you've ever been in, Dr. Chuck? A couple months. A couple months. See, that's kind of what I... A whole life, a couple months, really? Yeah. Damn, you're like fucked up, huh? I know that, right? Yeah, well, you know, once you get to a certain age, you know, you are what you are. But, you know, I do try to, you know, change directions.

1:16:45Getting out of my comfort zone. things like comedy. Yeah, absolutely.

1:16:51Brian Redban:I mean, Dr. Chuck, I mean, I'm just so intrigued right now. I'm so intrigued because I want to know what your daily routine is. You seem like the kind of guy to me that wakes up like you wake up like this, like you sit up and then everything, like you have slippers next to the bed that you slide your giant horse cock feet into, right? And then you have a robe that's like there, you put on the robe, you walk a straight line. You turn the corner. Maybe the rope even comes off like a device. I picture like the coffee machine starts because a ping pong ball scents that you got up and rolls down. The coffee automatically tips over, pours into a cup.

1:17:30Brian Redban:The cup slides down a little train, some type of choo-choo train comes down and delivers it to you. You're still on the edge of the bed with your robe on. You grab the coffee all in one swoop. There's the choo-choo train. You drink the coffee. The mug detects that your lips touched it, which therefore starts the shower for you. Your shower starts. You have a towel warmer that feels the humidity rise, and the towel warmer turns on. You have a warm towel. There's a dolphin there for some reason because you have a retarded co-host with a sound effect board.

1:18:12Brian Redban:How close am I to write about this? That sounds rather quaint, but... A simple man's morning, Tony. I usually outsource the food and coffee preparation to people, not machines. I like to get up and... I go to H-E-B and get a breakfast taco and a cup of coffee. You do that every day, am I correct? Basically, yes. Yes, you are a man of pure routine. Now, how about nighttime? Take us through the smooth descent. My guess is that like every other smart man, you go to bed at around, I'm guessing, about 9.30 on the dot. No? No, no. I mean, a lot of times I might be out at an open mic, and I'll come home probably unwind with a book.

1:18:58Sometimes I do like to look at comedy specials. Unwind with a book. I like to collect books, actually. We believe that. I love it. Shout out half-price books. Hell yeah. Is that in Dallas? I think they're here, too, but they're ordered in Dallas. You have like a wall with books, and you have the ladder that you like swing, and you're like... I do have... I'm somewhere between 1 ,000 and 2 ,000. Wow. Amazing. Money is like good in your life. You got to figure out. It's like a fucking formula, huh? I do okay with financially. I don't have to worry. That is correct. That's what extremely rich men say, for those of you that don't know.

1:19:40Brian Redban:For the poor in the room. I don't have to worry. I'm doing just slightly okay. A man of many patterns. So you unwind with a book. Do you have a robe? Am I correct about that? No. But you do have pajamas. Am I correct? Yes. What do they have on it? They're the white fleece Bucky's pajamas with a red drawstring and black Bucky's portraits. My friend, call me a book-reading genius because I have the same pajamas. By the way, I have the same pajamas. And I know we're going to have that too. Let's go. Yakov, we'll get you a pair before you leave. Great minds think alike, folks. Is yours also a boy's extra small?

1:20:29Brian Redban:No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. oh here we go so my dad uh he's a dork like you but he has one thing that he's been trying to solve his whole life perpetual motion like he's making all these machines and stuff is there something that your whole life you've been trying to solve science you know with your big brain um i guess i wouldn't say i have a you know an obsession like that um i like to uh kind of keep on the cutting edge of things. So I've had a chance to do wireless communications, rechargeable batteries, lots of different things in my career. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you a better version of the question that he half asked.

1:21:08Brian Redban:In your life, because you seem like a smart guy, we don't deal with that. Even the best comedians in the world are fucking goofballs. I've never, I already laughed the hardest at fucking, I just blanked out. Oh, unwind with a book. Like to us, that is hysterical. that you said that. It's like no comedian in the world, no matter what, can unwind with a book. But you're the closest thing to it. So, let me ask you this, Dr. Chuck. Of all the things that you have, all the great mysteries in the world, what does a smart man like you find the most intriguing? Like, maybe not a passion like perpetual motion, but maybe, you know, like, I find it unbelievably crazy that humans dream and that there's no actual scientific explanation for how dreams happen or why they happen.

1:21:58Brian Redban:What's your version of the world's greatest mystery to you? It could be in the past, it could be a present problem, or the future. Well, I'd say, you know, consciousness is definitely one. The other is how do you match general relativity with quantum mechanics? But I don't have an answer to that. I expected you to say pussy.

1:22:24Wow.

1:22:26Brian Redban:Dr. Chuck, I find you to be so intriguing. Please sign up again for this show. I mean... Do you have any social media, Chuck? Is there a place we can find you or anything like that? Probably the best on social media would be the Roast Battle DFW YouTube channel. There are a couple of highlight clips of me on that. Oh, you've been roasting, Dr. Chuck? My first break in comedy was actually, you know, roasting, holding my own against David Lucas in a roast battle at Hyenas in Dallas. Wow. Tell us a David Lucas roast. Yeah, what did you say about David? Can you give us one that you... Oh, shit. Look at that show.

1:23:08Oh, shit. Imagine, yeah. Okay, let's see. The first, you know, some comedians didn't show up for the roast battle. He let anybody in the audience come on stage and try to take a shot. And you did? You came from the audience? Yeah, I came out of the audience. I had some written jokes on him and thought I was going to get my ass handed to me, but, you know, I got some laughs. So I can remember a couple of the jokes. First one that I started with was David has a hit YouTube fishing show, and he is expanding his brand with a plus-size outerwear retailer slash BBL clinic called Ass Pro Shops.

1:23:56Wow. This guy is smart. Yeah. That is amazing. I had done about 15 open mics at that time. So the second one, which was women experience intense attraction near David due to gravity.

1:24:20and uh the last one you know there was one that was kind of a you know so-so joke but the last one that was good was david's family is responsible for slip and slide records their biggest hit was take it to the house by trick daddy and trina which is about dunking a basketball something david can't do but he makes it his own whenever he dunks a donut Wow. I feel kind of bad, you know, roasting him when he's not here.

1:24:46Brian Redban:No, it's fine. We do it all the time. It's fine. It's a very normal thing. I'm very grateful that David booked me on the show to do roast because that was the first booked show that I got. Hell yeah. In comedy after doing all that. Hell yeah. That's cool that, you know, so many people always whine about how late it is to start comedy. But I love that no matter how late it is to start comedy, if you approach it your own way and you're just authentically, you don't try to be some other shit. You just do your own thing. See, it resonates, you know. Thank you, Ari. Yeah, you killed it. It's awesome.

1:25:22Brian Redban:You have your own style, your own swagger. We need you to absolutely sign up again. You're amazing. Dr. Chuck, what a great debut. Fantastic. Like Ari said, all shapes and sizes. Let's get my good one here. Look at this. This is a good one. Dr. Chuck, this is for you, bud. Boom. There he goes. One more time for Dr. Chuck.

1:25:48Brian Redban:What a great performance. I just want to talk to him. All right. We're going to keep it moving here. I was all this time, I was thinking it was Adam Ray.

1:26:08Brian Redban:That would be a great Adam Ray character. I'm Dr. Chuck, everybody. I have a master's in virginity. All right, ladies and gentlemen. As you see, anything can happen. All different shapes and sizes out of this bucket tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Joe Newcomer, everybody.

1:26:31Oh, my God. Hey, how are you? How are you, man? Oh, my God. So is there any straight people in here, or is everybody gay? I'm raising my hand because I'm straight. Too late, you're gay. You had to think about it. You had to think about it, right? You had to think about it. You take the G out of gayness, all you have left is anus. Ew. Oh, my God.

1:27:00To you young ladies over here, I'm only 27 emotionally, okay?

1:27:09I'm an on-me sexual. That means I'm having sex with whoever's on me, all right?

1:27:20Yeah, yeah. That's right. That's right. Yeah. And don't get excited, boys, but I'm also a bisexual. That's because I'm having sex, and then I'm like, bye. I'm not cuddling with you, okay? Oh, my goodness. Foul. DeMeritt.

1:27:39Brian Redban:You're okay. All right, Joe Newcomer. How are you doing, you little bundle energy? Casey Rock, I got old quick. Holy shit. Oh, my God. You are one of the funniest ladies we've ever had on the show. Look at you. Now, Joe, I'm going to be honest with you, man. You've been on this show before? No, I have not. Right. I literally know you from being on 6th Street. That's right. You're one of these guys that I fist bump almost every evening. Joe is one of the most positive motherfuckers you'll ever fucking like. He really is. This guy's a champion of the Austin team. I don't say hi to everybody all the time on 6th Street, but you're always smiling.

1:28:22Brian Redban:I've seen you barking for... Wait, what just happened? Okay, okay. Okay, what's going on over there, guys? What did I miss? There's a whole sideshow happening. It's happened weird. What happened? It was fine. Okay. I'm good. All right. Okay. What was it? I missed it. It was, he grabbed his chest and his left arm went limp. Oh, okay. All right. I was just laughing. We're just excited. Okay, Joe. Welcome, welcome. So again, I've seen you barking on the street, always positive, always with the... Okay, you okay? We'll get you out of here. We'll get the medic for you. It's all right. Something shocking.

1:29:03Brian Redban:Something shocked you? Really? Yeah, it's like electric. Yeah, a little bit of electric shock. Did the electric engineer just jimmy-rig it so that everybody else fails tonight? Okay, well, Kino, let's get a second, let's get a backup mic up here. I mean, there's almost no way that that's humanly possible. Is it technically even possible? I've never heard of such a thing. There you go. let's get backup mic number two on let's throw that one on the ground re fake being electrocuted real quick no i am not if you get shocked by that one we know that it's you bud it might be i'm full of electricity i don't know that is re is the assassin so okay so joe newcomer how old are you i am 58 years old amazing how long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

1:29:58Brian Redban:I've been doing stand-up comedy since 2019 but you know COVID took me out for a couple years. No doubt about it. Okay so what made you want to start then? I used to be a drug dealer and a lot of people a lot of people that was that I was doing drugs to they were laughing their ass off while I was doing drugs that I mean yeah you want to be one of those and I go where are you from what part of Florida are you from? I'm from California. California oh she's buying drugs from you you're there in a second oh yeah oh yeah and this is not one of the drug dealers that just sells it and leaves this guy sits there and chats with you for a while i lord knows this is one of those what type of drugs did you sell i sold everything yeah coke heroin you name it i had it all but i haven't done any hard drugs in 13 years wow just for the record electrical engineer, PhD, a book to unwind, and we're back to kill Tony here with Joe Newcomer.

1:30:59Brian Redban:This is what I was talking about. You never unwound with a book in your fucking life, have you? Never. You only use books to do lines off of. Am I correct? Yes. Yes, absolutely. This guy wakes up with books. He doesn't go to sleep with a book. I got it, I got it, I got it. He's one of those fake speed readers. He was like, I think I'm smarter now, dude. I got it, Harry Potter. Yep. Oh, I feel like I'm shocked. Oh, this book is shocking me. Oh, oh. I need another book because this one's electrocuting me, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. All right. So, Joe Newcomer, you are an amazing story. How did you get sober 13 years ago?

1:31:37Brian Redban:I always ask everybody to get sober because maybe we can help somebody out there that's going through a problem. Because, I mean, I'm looking at you. Dude, if you could get sober, fucking anybody could get sober. You did so many drugs that you're still high 13 years later. I didn't want to bring the room down, but I died 13 years ago. You really did? Yeah. I went twice in a hospital, but they saved me. Wow. What kind of microphone electrocuted you like that? Right. This guy. Crazy, right? It is something else. So take us through it. 13 years ago, just a straight up overdose. You're by yourself?

1:32:13Brian Redban:Yeah. I was by myself, alone in the hospital. It was my birthday as well. No, where were you? Where did you overdose? Oh, in California. But I mean, in your apartment? Were you with friends? Well, I had checked myself into a hospital about a week before that. So wait a second. You checked yourself into a hospital a week? I cleaned up. I got off drugs, got into the hospital so that they would detect drugs in me, and they would treat me like a normal person. And then I flatlined about a week in. Oh, from being sober. your body reacted yeah i was just my organs were shutting down wow hospitals fuck in riverside riverside california wow shout out riverside hospital right amazing that did save me that is incredible if anybody's wondering what riverside is that's the top right corner of the last grand theft auto map yeah i moved from riverside i'm sorry got it no you're good so joe newcomer how do you make a living exactly well i uh i work at bulls irish pub i bark for a living uh this man on the end of the desk down there he knows that i'm one of the best barkers in the city you really are i agree with red band uh you are one of the best barkers like i said you're always out there with a smile positive energy a strong fist bump a good hello nothing crazy of all the times that i've walked by you so many times whether it's the first time i see someone or the 20th time They always go, Tony, just to let you know, one day I'm going to be on your show and I'm going to rock that shit.

1:33:45Brian Redban:You've never annoyed me with that. It's always just a positive hello. This is my 116th sign up tonight. Really? 116th. Wow. So crazy. Some people get it their first time. Some people get fucking that one asshole. Who was that? Do Frank Mago or whatever. He's been on twice in like a month, and everybody hates him. He's so unlikable. He brings nothing to the party whatsoever. And meanwhile, you signed up 116 times. That's years in a row. Wow. And you just did it with a positive fucking energy, and here you are, grateful and happy. Amazing. Give us another fun fact about your life, Joe Newcomer. fun fact about my life is that I believe every one of us can be happy every one of us can be happy yes and I after I meditate every day I leave the house with this one saying I don't care if I deserve to be happy anymore I'm just going to do it today because I'm capable of it fuck deserving it anymore let go yeah I love it you got Keno the lighting guy inspired back there.

1:35:00Brian Redban:That's amazing. And he's never happy. He's a miserable wreck. It's incredible. That's what's so true about comedy. Mistakes and fuck-ups resonate. Nobody cares about fucking perfection. You fucked up your back. You're swinging for it. I love it so much. I'm in pain every day walking around. You miss it? No, pain makes me feel like I'm alive. Wow. What a positive energy. And look at all the women that complain when they have a cramp. Wow. absolutely incredible. I ordered old milk. I need a Tylenol or something. Can I ask a question? Yes. What's a barker? A barker is a guy that's like, hey, if you want to see a comedy show, come right this way.

1:35:46Brian Redban:How do you do it? Show the people how you bark. Just do it like you do it on the street. Like, hey, put a little giggle in her wiggle and bring her to a comedy show, bro. Yeah, that works. All right. The people walking... Great air conditioning and beer. Get in there. He's good at what he does. There's been a couple times where I was going to meet a friend at a bar or something. I almost went to a fucking comedy show. No, I'm kidding. I would never in a million years. But you're good. You're good at what you do. Joe, so fun, so positive. You're just a fucking breath of fresh air, even though you look like you don't know anything about anything.

1:36:21Brian Redban:All right. Joe Newcomer, ladies and gentlemen. You did it, Joe. All right, man. That's it. I love you guys. Great stuff. Keep signing up. You'll get you out of here again maybe in another 116 weeks. Crazy. We having fun out there? How we doing? Good? All right, everybody. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Chris Bach, everyone. Chris Bach.

1:37:01Hello. Hello. I just got a haircut. And I don't really like getting a haircut, you know, because I was sitting in the chair getting it done, you know, and with the machine he's doing some, you know, he's doing the line where the hair in the neck stops. and then he's taking the machine and he's doing some neck hair, which, you know, is completely normal, you know. And then with the machine, he's just going further and further down, you know. It's almost like it was a bit insulting, you know, because I didn't know I had hair back there, you know. And I only went there to cut myself up here. You know, I wasn't like, why don't you start here?

1:38:04And then see how far down you can get behind my shirt.

1:38:12Brian Redban:All right, Chris Bach. Welcome, welcome, Chris. How are you? Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? This is my first time, yes. Where are you from? You have a little accent there. I do, I do. I'm from Norway. Wow, look at that. That is incredible. Your neighbor. I know, yeah. You kind of look like me too. Holy shit. This is a very special... Everyone is... Welcome to another episode of Secret Germans trying to blend in with society. I'm pretty sure all of your dads were Nazis. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. I mean, yeah, you seem German as hell. I think I'm Norwegian. Uh-huh. Yeah.

1:39:00Brian Redban:But some Nazis fled to Norway, am I correct, after World War II? Yes, and some Norwegians also fled to Germany. Yes, absolutely. Okay, how old are you? I'm 31. 31. How long have you been on stand-up? Doing almost three years. Three years. Yeah. All of it in English?

1:39:25mostly in the Norwegian I like the fit too the white jeans, white t-shirt and then dress shoes I want to look nice for the show in Norway we look nice I'll perform in Norway it's one of the worst audiences you'll ever see in your fucking life these people are calculative, cold blooded it was an amazing show

1:39:47Brian Redban:yeah, they stare and if they like you they clap a little bit they don't really laugh There's no verbal laughing. That's why I like the U.S., you know, because you guys laugh. Yeah. Sweden is the same way. I've performed in Sweden, in giant theaters in Sweden, and they kind of just go like, yeah.

1:40:10Brian Redban:Like that. Incredible stuff. Yeah. After the show, they go, we loved it. And I'm like, really? They're like, yeah. We don't laugh. I can also do I can do an American accent though which I don't think you guys if I talk like this just the whole time I think you guys would have just thought I was one of you no you change nothing if I would have talked like this I bet you guys would have thought I am one of you wait that was the impression? that was so stupid Do a black one. Do a black one. Do a black one. I got one. I am very black.

1:40:56Brian Redban:Do a black impression. This is amazing. I want to hear it now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Don't say it. Don't say it.

1:41:13Brian Redban:That is not the N-word I was hoping you were going to say right then. Wow. But I do have black friends, actually. You do have a lot of black friends. Not a lot. Oh. Wow. Are they in Norway? They are in the U.S. That's right. That's right. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Because as you guys probably can tell, I have lived in the U.S. since that's why my English is so good, you know. Yeah. How long have you lived in the U.S.? I went to school at Arizona State University. Oh, my goodness. How did you end up going there? there's a guy that definitely didn't go to college that uh what was the question how did you end up going to arizona state oh it's uh a lot of uh beautiful girls there that's why you selected that place did your parents like pay for it uh no our government did yeah norway is insane it's insane they got everything they have it all I want to do comedy in America.

1:42:12Brian Redban:They have it all figured out. Are you from Oslo? Almost. Bergen. Okay, Bergen. Yes, beautiful place. A lot of wooden ships. We do have also wooden houses. Yes. Definitely. And wooden shoes sometimes. Yeah, okay. So, Chris, amazing. What else do you do? How do you make a living now? You're 31 now. How do you make a living? What type of a murder hotel do you own? It's, I just have a regular job, you know, like most of you probably. Yeah, what is the regular job? I work in a bank. Oh, you work in a bank? Yeah. What kind of bank? It's a normal bank. Sounds suspicious to me, my friend. This guy's full of shit, dude.

1:43:07Would you like to trust your fans with me, Mr. Bond? You're a psycho, dude.

1:43:15Brian Redban:Is it a blood bank? Are you working?

1:43:22Brian Redban:Red Dan has his own retarded cheering section over here. Just a bunch of obese people. Knocking over glasses with their fat elbows and shit. How long have you worked at bank? Four years Four years, you're a teller? I'm not a teller What do you do exactly? I work with corporate customers Corporate customers, okay Like offshore accounts? No,

1:43:56but it's crazy for me to be here in Austin I just Wow

1:44:04Brian Redban:Wow. Very suspicious, ladies and gentlemen. We're trying to change the subject in front of four million people. Yeah, no, nothing illegal. Austin is crazy. The music, the scenery, the street. A lot of homeless around here. I've seen a lot. Okay. No, but I'm kind of jet lagged, you know. Okay, it's all good. Yeah, where'd you fly in from? Where'd you fly in from? Arizona? Bergen, Bergen. No, I live in Bergen now. Oh. I live in Bergen, yeah. When did you get in? When did you get in? I just got in today. Wow. A few hours ago. Oh, my goodness. What was your flight like? What airline did you take? What class?

1:44:45Brian Redban:Well. Basic economy? Very basic economy, yeah. Yeah. In the back. What row? What row number? I feel like I'm just making economy seats worse and worse. Dude, I just imagined you. Just, okay. 17 hours, okay. They're like, do you need music and food? No, thank you.

1:45:08I am going to America.

1:45:18Crazy, Norwegian's so dead. Oh, yeah. Nothing.

1:45:21Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I... Oh, yeah. It is true. I mean, you guys are cold as ice. It is incredible. No, I can actually be really expression.

1:45:39Brian Redban:Oh, there it is! Show us something else! Whoa, is that the only one you got? Do an expression. It's hard for him to do. I have so many expressions. I am a doctor telling you have AIDS. Go!

1:46:01You have two weeks to live

1:46:09But also you're having triplets

1:46:17Brian Redban:It's a little good news in there it seems Seems like you're pretty excited about that God, you're dead!

1:46:31You're coming inside a beautiful lady. Right, yeah, I feel like we were over there.

1:46:44Oh, my God.

1:46:50Brian Redban:Oh my god. You are incredible. So, you still... I'm really happy to do stand-up comedy. It is an incredible art from I'm Chasing My Dreams. I love it. So you still live in Bergen. You're in Bergen right now. I'm in Bergen, but I'm going to be here, you know, for... In Austin? How long my visa... How long do you think you're going to be in Austin? 90 days. Exactly. 90 days. I know the visas. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so how are you planning on spending it here in Austin? What are you looking forward to? You literally got in from Bergen, the other side of the fucking world today. Tell us, what are your plans for the next 89 days here in Austin, Texas?

1:47:33I think I'll pick up a book. Oh, wow.

1:47:37Brian Redban:I know just the man for that. Wait till you meet Dr. Chuck. Hell yeah. Come here, my friend. I will show you all my collection. Why are you stabbing me in my own home, young man? I thought you were a good boy.

1:47:55Brian Redban:How could you do it with no expression?

1:48:06Brian Redban:All right. All right, Chris Bach. All right, let me ask you this. because, I mean, you're so you. You are, you know, what we would consider like an emotionless, expressionless, cold-blooded Norwegian, right? So that's at least what we have you labeled as. Stop looking like you're plotting something. Yeah. You are basically, let me explain to you, Chris. Stick with me over here. You're basically as white as it gets. I mean, you are villain white. You're wearing all white. It's incredible. You have black on your shoes because I'm guessing you stepped on them on your way in here. That's the vibe that I get.

1:48:48Brian Redban:So let me ask you, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Is there something that you do sometimes? Maybe something that, you know, the answer could be anything. But, I mean, you're just so white. I got to know, what is the blackest thing about you? I do go to the barbershop pretty often. Oh, wow. Wow. Incredible. That is amazing. It was your whole set was about going to a barber shop. I believe it. He has the exact same hairline as me. Like, see, yeah. It is amazing. It's a good hairline. No.

1:49:26You're rough. You see how far. It's masculine to have receding hair.

1:49:32Brian Redban:Ah, very good. What's your dream girl? What type of girl? You don't have a girlfriend, right?

1:49:43Brian Redban:uh no okay so here you are you're in austin texas i mean the place is incredible the most beautiful women in the world you can have anything every different flavor there's beautiful fucking latinas there's beautiful black voluptuous black women there's there's chicks with that make it look like their tits are bigger than they actually are by squeezing them up and in and together at the same time, even though they're totally just A-cups. There's all different... There's chicks from Baltimore that fucking have hot, slutty vibes and floppy fucking tits and look four months pregnant. I mean, they are...

1:50:22Brian Redban:There are different shapes and sizes of girls absolutely everywhere. We love you, Baltimore. You can have anything in the world. Let me ask you, because I know you don't have... I know you don't have Latinas in fucking Norway. And I know you don't have black girls in Norway. In Norway they basically fuck a mirror. It's crazy. Yeah, exactly. I am here to meet you. It is sexual time. Everybody in Norway... ETA, I come in three, two, one. Oy, oy, oy. I am coming now. I am coming now. Thank you so much for interaction. Your Uber is on way. The bloodline continues. Your Uber is on way. Hold on, let me say in my American impression.

1:51:03Brian Redban:Your Uber is on way. No, you see, because I unleash in the bedroom. Ooh, really? Is that true? Yeah. Tell us more. What types of things do you do after you tie them up and slit their throat and fuck the throat hole? Finally, I am feeling something. I unleash. I unleash on you. What types of things do you do in the bedroom? Teach us something. I'm just, you know, a relaxed guy. You're so tense.

1:51:42I am so relaxed right now. Do you like to be on top and tell them what to do? Be a little good girl? Do you have to answer this?

1:51:54Brian Redban:What? Do I have to answer? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, you're on the podcast, buddy. You know the deal. You had a good minute. The barbershop shit was cute and all, but now we're getting to the nitty gritty. we're doing some surgery here yeah but I kind of like that to be so I'm like a dirty little whore show us on the Ari Maddy what you would do to a girl so I'm like a dirty little whore I'm like a oh my god like I don't think he can show you because they take all their weapons at the back door when they let him in. Come in.

1:52:44Ari is fully committed. Remember, I'm just a guest.

1:52:51Brian Redban:Look at the way Ari looks at this guy. You wonder why all these Eastern European countries are always at war. Just look. This is them making friends, everybody. This is them sniffing each other out at the dog park right now. Oh, my God. What do you say to me when you're like, like, what do you say? This is incredible. Like, what do you say?

1:53:16Brian Redban:It's going to be the first guy to die from embarrassment. Whoa, look at this.

1:53:29Brian Redban:This is Kill Tony. What a country.

1:53:38Brian Redban:Chris Bach. Fun times, man. Welcome to America, dude. This is it. Thank you. You're in the mix. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. Bing bong. Chris Bach. All right. Final fucking pull of the night. And then we're putting a ribbon on this thing. Put your hands together for Dulce Mac, everybody. Dulce Mac.

1:54:05I'm from Venezuela. Don't shoot. I got here before the whole thing. My family used to be rich in Venezuela. We spent all our money on kidnapping ransoms. They gift them back, you know, for the right price. like here they're like etherich in Venezuela they're like let's just borrow them no it was hard when I started dating in America because guys they always wanted me to speak dirty to them in Spanish and I had never had sex in Spanish before so I just like name things around their room

1:54:43like la puerta

1:54:48los zapatos you can't say como sasto they know that one they also cheat a lot here yeah last time i got cheated on was with someone really close to me yeah i broke up with him but i stayed friends with her

1:55:06because you only get one mom or whatever

1:55:12Brian Redban:don't say mac what is that you did it welcome welcome Welcome, Dulce. Have you been on this show before? I have not. Wow. First time. That's incredible. I've known you since Los Angeles. Dulce is a part of the whole comedy community. Best friends with Kim Congdon. Besties. You came here tonight with Dedrick. Friends with Dedrick Flynn. Yeah, besties as well. Okay, very good. Just trying to explain a little bit of background here. How many times have you signed up for the show, do you think? Just twice. Wow. Incredible. fucking poor Joe Newcomer son of 119 times comes up here gets electrocuted by the microphone he gets a live heart attack and says I'm good did you notice he drank like water and his left arm kept hanging he had a full on heart attack kept going I really thought something was wrong I was about to have you before we realized it was just the microphone I was about to have you drag his ass out of here it ain't happening on camera he can go right behind that curtain and go fucking die.

1:56:18Brian Redban:It ain't happening. Last thing I need is that fucking heat. Kill Tony actually killing people now. I can't believe it was a white guy. Kept the show going. He's turned on the whites now too. He hates everybody.

1:56:37Brian Redban:White man electrocuted live on Kill Tony. He would have loved to die here. That is true. Show newcomer. he's going to be happy wherever he dies. I've seen you a few. Of course, we know it. I've seen you so many times around the Austin scene. I love the deadpan shit. Your face says nothing. You just deliver it down the barrel. I love it so much. I've seen you have great sets all around town. You're a great comic. Thank you. Yep. Very fun. Dulce, tell us about your life. We know nothing about you. What do you do for work? Right now, I'm on tour with Kim. Wow. And I take photos on the side. You take photos.

1:57:16Brian Redban:You get paid to take photos? Yes. Oh, my goodness gracious. What are you taking photos of? Comedians that need headshots. Wow. Incredible. You can make somewhat of a living doing that? She does great. A little bit, yeah. She's great? Yeah, she's great. You know this? Yes. I've known Dorsey for a long time. Is she taking pictures of you? No. Because if she makes you look good, she's great. No. Incredible. A lot of the tender profile pictures of the guys here are me. Okay. All right. What else do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? You seem like every chick in Austin. You have a bunch of little bad tattoos, kind of misshapen.

1:57:55Brian Redban:You seem unhealthy overall, but... All right, I'm joking around. Shut up. I play pool and I do Pilates. Ah. Basically it. Pool and Pilates. What type of Pilates? Pilates. Sounds delicious when you say it. parents will agree i can't cook i'm sorry okay okay wow hot mad pilates i'm crazy you're crazy what what uh you know i never really got pilate i literally don't know what it is it's kind of seen the setup for it and i'm like what the fuck is that and someone's like that's a pilates table and i'm like what i didn't ask anymore after that it was created by a man to help well uh we knew that part um uh hello so was everything wow it was created by a man wow

1:58:57it's gonna be an art form where chicks meet me one-on-one and they stretch their pussy in front of me in absolutely different positions.

1:59:05Brian Redban:Hell yeah. Yep. Hell yeah. That's exactly how the class goes. Amazing. But basically you strap in and stretch out. Basically. I wish you asked about the pool instead of the Pilates. All right. Where do we put the balls? You know what I mean?

1:59:34Brian Redban:you got the black one you lose yeah fuck yeah dude fucking putting balls and holes over here all right uh dulce give us another fun fact about your life because pool and pilates ain't really whoa how did that happen how did we get married or sure the whole thing we were both in percocet and our best friend had died and we were like, let's get married. Wow. Then he got deported to Spain. Wow. Oh my goodness. Who was the president during this deportation? Just kidding. We all knew. I'm so deported back to Spain. Oh my God. I have to do more flamenco. Yeah, it's not that bad. It was sick. It was sick.

2:00:27Yeah.

2:00:28Brian Redban:Do you miss him? Yeah, sometimes. If he wouldn't have gotten deported, do you think you'd still be with him? No. Why? Why do you think you would not be with him anymore? Well, he would cheat and he would get kind of crazy. Like, he would try to jump off the balcony in the car. But that's like Spanish. That's like, you know, like, if you do not kiss me tonight, I will kill myself. That's Spanish, you know? It's like, if you want someone neutral, there's a Norwegian guy I know. This guy. Yeah.

2:01:04You can leave me. I will still follow.

2:01:12Brian Redban:Dulce. You know, Dulce, I'd love to have you on the secret show, Thurs. I love it. There you go. There's Dulce. Dulce is a big joke book. There you go. Dulce Mack, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. All right. I lied. one last bucket pull is that all right ladies and gentlemen we're gonna get through this one quick make some noise for mason smith everybody mason smith here we go oh we know mason there's a minute for mason smith what's up guys how you doing i uh i went on a date with a girl recently we were boozing it up we were drinking and after the date we're walking to her car she goes hey when we get to my car don't judge me i was like what the fuck does that mean it's a weird thing to tell somebody after a first date.

2:01:55You know, like, what, do you have a dick or something? And I'm a progressive guy. I tug on it.

2:02:05It's not gay if there's titties.

2:02:20It's a bit of a loophole I found. So we get to her car and she pulls out a breathalyzer to start the car. And I was like, shit, lady, I've had three of those. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. And then she goes, well, this is what I mean. And I'm just like, penis, penis, penis, penis. And then she reached into her back seat and she pulled out an industrial strength air mattress inflator. You know, the reverse vacuum. She put it to her breathalyzer. The car started. I didn't know whether I was terrified or turned on. Then she handed me a cold Miller Lite from her console. She said, buckle up, stupid.

2:02:56You're in for a good night. All right, guys, that's my time.

2:03:02Brian Redban:Mason Smith. Is that a true story? Yes. That's incredible. Yeah. Wow. Wild, yeah. Wow. And it worked. I was so impressed. She drove me around all night drinking. I love banging an unhinged woman. Oh, yeah. And you know what else is funny? So we had sex later, obviously. She was wearing a girdle. Obviously. A girdle. She was kind of a chubby. She was a little bit of a slam pig. Sure. And so we're about to fuck, and she goes, I'm a little embarrassed. and she just undid her fucking girdle and it was like... And I was like, oh, no! But I'm a trooper. I still did it. Hell, yeah. I mean, you're kind of fat yourself.

2:03:45Brian Redban:Biggers can't be choosers. I'm solid as a rock. You are? I don't know. You don't look like it. Your arms are. It's only the arms, but take a show of this. Yeah, I mean, what are we talking about here? Look at that. What is this? What is this? I just really like states. Wow. Wow. I got Massachusetts and Arkansas. Oh, my God. That's a man right there. Yeah, buddy. Wow. Mason, you've been on this show. It's been a long time. Am I correct? Yeah, I haven't done it since it was at Vulcan. Yeah, you used to work at Vulcan, right? I did. I think I was their longest store guy. I was there every four years.

2:04:28Yeah. What do you do now? I work at Creek now.

2:04:31Brian Redban:Hell, yeah. Okay. um it would tell us what have we missed about your life the last few years uh not a whole lot uh whenever uh i mean just my podcast is really starting to cook what else what else what else i was on the i was on the podcast by the way the like first month i moved here they uploaded the episode the audio was so delayed by seven seconds it's like unlistenable we we redid it and we reposted it and it's got my most viewed one. Wow, yeah. No shit. I've also had Holtzman, Kurt Metzman. Alright, Mason. Enough about your podcast. Are you like gay too sometimes? I mean, I'd fuck a trans.

2:05:15Brian Redban:Alright. That's like a little gay, I guess. Mason, we're keeping a move and this is the end of the episode. Thank you so much. Mason Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Mason Smith, let's go. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the night where only one person can close a show like this. He's an absolute phenom of all the regulars we've had. I mean, this guy has pure momentum right now. Never a dull moment. Absolutely unbelievable. He is a true anomaly. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, this is the real deal, Pat O 'Neill.

2:05:57Brian Redban:Folks! recently started taking Krav Maga which if you don't know is an Israeli self-defense and combat system pretty intense stuff first class we learned how to blow up a hospital

2:06:29Brian Redban:Gotta get them before they get you, you know?

2:06:38Brian Redban:There's a new Black Panther? Could have fooled me. And, uh...

2:06:49Brian Redban:And I don't know who's going to tell the Black Panther this, but every panther is a Black Panther. That's what makes them panthers, you know? Like, the movie wasn't called 12 Years a Black Slave.

2:07:16Brian Redban:You wouldn't call the NWA the black... All right, well, you get my point.

2:07:23Brian Redban:If they weren't black, they'd be leopards or jaguars. You know, civilized cats. Okay. Thank you. Wow. Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen, has done it yet again. Absolutely mind-blowing. Thank you, folks. I mean, you've gotten to the point to where the crowd goes crazy upon your name. The crowd goes crazy upon the trademark folks. What I love about tonight is you are now getting laughs on your setups. I noticed you said I've been doing Krav Maga lately and the crowd just started dying of laughter. Nobody in the world believed it. They're along for the ride. They know a big right turn is coming here.

2:08:05Brian Redban:They don't know what it could be. You got all of us fucking laid out on the hospital line. The Black Panther shit is no pun intended black belt material. I mean, you are absolutely fucking shockingly incredible. This is an amazing thing for, I think the world or the viewers to get to see what the fuck exactly is happening. Like why, you know, it's almost like we're living in an age where like a one hour special is, uh, is almost dull compared to watching somebody win every single fucking week. I mean, This is just amazing, the process of watching you dominate with high expectations every week.

2:08:43Brian Redban:You're crushing it. Let's talk to the other greatest regular in the show's history, Ari Maddy. The greatest regular. You're awesome, Pat, by the way. You know that, right? I don't know. And I love that you have the folks. That's an amazing catchphrase. And the way, even when you grab the mic, you're still nervously moving around because that's who you are. You're not trying to hide that. Every joke you deliver is by the book. You, like, really work hard. I see you at the mics all the time just working on your shit. And as, like, a regular myself, you know, so I can't, like, critique you. You know, you're awesome and you're absolutely killing it.

2:09:20I'm so proud of you, buddy. Thank you, Ari.

2:09:22Brian Redban:You're the best. Yakov, this is your first time on this show. I don't know if you've ever seen Pat O 'Neill before, but every week he goes at this tempo, this intensity, lightning fast joke, squeezes it all into a minute. and absolutely lays the place out. You've seen it all over the past, what, four decades? How long have you been doing stand-up again? Five decades, dare I say? Keep going. Oh, my God. Six decades? Holy shit. So you've seen it all. Well, I started in the Soviet Union, and you can imagine that it wasn't easy to do comedy there. Everyone here would be arrested.

2:10:06And we had the Department of Jokes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I wish it was funny. Yeah, I wish I was making this up. And then you submit your material, and you have to, then the bureaucrats decide what's funny, what's not.

2:10:25Brian Redban:Wow. Yeah, yeah. Would you like to hear some jokes they wouldn't let me tell? Wow.

2:10:38You heard this joke? No, they would limit, you know, stuff like they tried to open Taco Bell in Russia, but Russian government didn't like the slogan run for the border. They would not. Or Russian women are like buses. That was it. So they wouldn't allow that. But I was doing stand-up there, and this is very... Your style is very, very unique and very intense. Thanks, sir. So there's nobody... I don't know anybody that's done something like that. So good luck with that. Thank you.

2:11:24Brian Redban:He's an unstoppable machine. so you hear it. The mic just shocked me. Really? Really? No, no, that guy was having a strip.

2:11:38That's true. The shot came right after his arm went limp. He's fucking...

2:11:46Brian Redban:Ladies and gentlemen, you got to see it live in the flesh. One more time for Pat O 'Neill, everybody.

2:11:57Brian Redban:Guys, tonight you got to fucking see a legend. How about one more time for Yakov Smirnoff, everybody? You can get tickets to his score at yakov.com. Y-A-K-O-V dot com. He's going to Chicago, Boston, Atlanta, Sacramento, San Francisco, Hartford, Denver, St. Louis, L.A., and Tampa. And check out his theater if you're ever near Branson, Missouri, the Yakov Theater. It is Laugh Your Yakoff Tour with Yakoffs. How about one more time for Yakoff Smirnoff, ladies and gentlemen. And ladies and gentlemen, remaddy.com also on tour. St. Louis, Worthington, Florida, Providence, Houston, Sacramento, Kansas City, Eugene, St.

2:12:45Brian Redban:Louis, Minneapolis, Tulsa, fucking Chicago, somewhere else. Unbelievable. You guys are working very hard. You guys are working like Russian Estonian. We work hard. This is what happens when you get to live the American dream. You take advantage of it. One more time for the great legend Ari Matty, Yakov Smirnoff. Guys, we're going to Las Vegas in November. We're going to Dallas next month, Houston after that. And of course, New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve at the Moody Center here in beautiful Austin, Texas. We do an arena every year to bring in the New Year. And tickets go on sale for the next Mothership drop.

2:13:36Brian Redban:That is September 9th at noon Central Standard Time. Those tickets are for September 21st all the way to December 28th. All those tickets sell out in about one minute. So I don't know whether to tell you to refresh your browser, get in the queue. I don't even know how to do it anymore, but we promise you there's no pre-sold tickets, so you all have a chance all at once, yet again, to get tickets that sell out in a minute. Don't complain to us or write an email to the website. Nobody cares. It all just goes at once. Everybody buys them all at once. But you do have a chance to get a ticket for the arena on New Year's Eve.

2:14:15Brian Redban:Good luck with that. You can do that. Red Band is a stand-up show every Thursday called The Secret Show at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. If you like big laughs and high ceilings, make sure you check that out. And can I say something? Yeah. I was a little nervous about coming here, doing this. This audience was incredible. We have the best fans in the world. Thank you. People that love comedy. And thank you, Tony, for inviting me. It changed my life. I don't know. My audience might watch this and never will talk to me again. But I enjoyed it very much. Well, we loved having you, Yakov. We love people of all different fucking shapes and sizes and ages and wisdom.

2:15:03Brian Redban:And as a former Comedy Store door guy and you being one of the original Mount Rushmore Comedy Store guys that made it a successful hit, you paved the way for literally all of this stuff. And this show started in the belly room of the comedy store 13 years ago. I built physically. I was a carpenter there. Yeah. Yeah. And I was the one who was building the bell room. Wow. Oh, my God. That's how it all... Well, I didn't speak English and the owner of the comedy store gave me a job and that's how I learned and that's full circle. Amazing. The great Mitzi Shore started it all for all of us. When I moved here, you were one of the first persons to write me a very nice message.

2:15:47I really appreciate that. Thank you so much.

2:15:49Brian Redban:So much love here. Yakov, you are the fucking man. We're going to have you back anytime you want. You're looking at it. Another episode of Kill Tony. We did it again. We love you guys. God bless you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night.

2:16:34We'll be right back.

2:16:45Wasted, let's go