#785 - DUNCAN TRUSSELL + KURT METZGER

20:34It's quite amazing. It was such a great experience. Whoa, I went a little crowd there. But it's, you gotta go. It's the most incredible thing. The experience you get there. I mean, it's a comic. Just what you get there. I mean, I gave it a five star. I mean, it's a little lumpy, like a little mattress or something like that, but it's going fucking good. All right, Matthew Jordan. How is it going? Matthew Jordan, welcome to the show. This is your first time here. No, this would be my second time. Okay. Yeah, I did terrible the first time. I got scared. I was like, holy shit, it's happening again.

21:14Brian Redban:Yeah, and then people started laughing at the unbelievable chaos. No definitive punchline, but the part that won everybody over was you have to check it out sometime. You do. I mean, it changes your fucking life. I mean, go to Montgomery County. It's a lot better out there. Let's slow it down a little bit, Matthew. Let's slow it down. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy or whatever? About two years, but stand-up is about two years now, but I've been doing other comedy. Okay, what other comedy have you been doing? I've been doing improv long form, and I'm designing my own stage at home and stuff like that.

21:47I'm a big... I'm doing all fucking online and shit like that. You know, with that beard and the jittery energies, I have to ask you, can you spell the word retarded for me? Retarded. I could. Retarded. It's okay. You don't have to. Matthew, what do you do for a living? I'm retired now. I was a restaurant manager. Can you spell retired for me? No, because it has the I and the E, one of those two. Whoa. All right.

22:13Brian Redban:One has an I, one has an E. Perfect. Matthew, what did you do for work? What are you retired? I was a restaurant manager. Wow. You retired from restaurant manager? That's a hard job to retire from. How did you do that? You just don't have to know that. Hey, I ended up in jail, so you never know. What are you, retarded? Ah!

22:34So how long ago were you in jail? It was Mother's Day I actually went in for Mother's Day. Wow, that's a special treat. Yeah, it was packed. I spent 48 hours in intake and shit like that. Okay, so what exactly did you do to get to go to jail? That's what the world wants to do. That's what I'm trying to figure out now. I mean, I drove by my old house, waves high to my son. Fifteen seconds later, the cops pulled me. I almost said I was harassing. Fifteen seconds later. Fifteen, two houses to a stop sign. They were there. I was in a rental car, and they knew I was there. I'm like, how the hell did you do that?

23:02How was your son? He's 22. You waved to your son? Yeah, he was out front. I said, hey, I was just passing by. What are the odds? What are the odds that you passed by and your son was there? Where exactly was your son? Well, he lived there. The odds were probably 100 % he doesn't go anywhere. But he was just standing out front? Yeah, that's what I was saying. I said, hey, what's going on? That's what I'm saying. I know. That's what you're saying. That's what I'm saying. I think I was set up the whole entire time. I'm like, holy shit. Do you think your son did that to you? No. If he wanted, he's an adult.

23:30He can do whatever he wants. But do you think he did? I know he could, but do you think he did? Well, I'm talking to the lawyers and stuff like that. Did your son know that you were about to drive by? No, because I was in a rental car. That's what shocked me. I was like, holy shit. Even if you were in a rental car, you could have called him and been like, hey, I'm in the neighborhood. I'm about to drive by. He doesn't answer my calls. He doesn't answer your calls.

23:48Brian Redban:He answers everything like I'm supposed to know the fucking answers. Every question I ask him, he goes, well, what do I need? What was the joke? Wow. Was there any joke in the... I'm promoting the jail. It changed my life. Look where I am now. Okay, we're going back. Let's reset. Let's check in with Kurt Metzger here. Are you sure? Is he that guy that at the Charlie Kirk shooting pulled his pants down and said it was me? Is that who that is? Why is he out? Did he have a beard? He does have that energy. He does have that energy. He had a beard and a weird story. Let's check in with the great Duncan Trussell.

24:25Uh, don't let restraining orders keep you away from your son, man. That's exactly what I'm starting to get to here. That's what I'm fishing around for. Do you and your son get along? We did. Not even much anymore. Why do you not get along anymore? I'm a divorced dad now, and I moved to Austin. There's a lot of stuff coming on. That's why I'm doing a lot of stuff. He's 22. Why would you guys not get along? Normally, a divorce wouldn't stop a 22-year-old from liking his own father. I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out. You have no idea whatsoever what it could possibly be. Well, his mom's not very happy with me.

24:58Why? Why is she not happy with you? Oh, I mean, we had our problems. Marriage for 20 years. We got a divorce, and we went our separate ways. I was a stay-at-home dad, so. And a restaurant manager. Yeah, a restaurant manager. Dave & Buster's is quite incredible. You were Dave & Buster's? Yes, I was. Wow. One of your favorite places. Yeah. You talk about it a lot. Absolutely, yeah. I was a manager. I love Dave & Buster's. But now, let me tell you, I'm no longer a Dave & Buster's guy. I'm now loyal to the local art of pinballs.

25:25Brian Redban:It ends in a Z. I agree with that. I highly recommend pinballs, everybody. They have electric go-karts. You can just hold down the gas the entire time. None of that crazy, nasty go-kart smell. It's all electric now. They have it dialed in. Even you thrifty people that don't like spending your money so much might enjoy a great day over at pinballs. You're welcome, pinballs. That's right. Let's check in with Duncan. Well, the funny thing about that is Pinballs is the name of the guy who fisted him last time he was in prison.

25:57You know Pinballs?

25:59Brian Redban:Yeah. You never know. He was nice. You never want to get in the cell with a guy named Pinballs. So, 48 hours in jail. You have no idea. I was in jail for two weeks. They took my phone in everywhere. I had no one to call. The only person I called was my ex-wife. Did they tell you what you were charged with? Well, yeah, I had actually hemp in there. That was when it was legal. And they said it was crystal meth. I swear to God, I'm like, how? Wait, they took your phone? They took my phone. They put everything in the rental car. Told the rental. I had no one to call. The only number I remember was my ex-wife.

26:30And so I was like, shit. So she had a message on there that I'm in jail. And she enjoyed that shit. So it was just like, I'm like, fuck. And so I couldn't go. Slow it down. Slow it down. Only answer the questions that I ask. Well, you asked earlier.

26:42Brian Redban:I didn't have one. So now I'm ready for it. Here we go. Here comes another one. You ready, Matthew? How the hell did they think that hemp was crystal meth? Oh, it was those diamonds. I was vaping it. It was the hemp diamond stuff that you can buy and you vape it. It doesn't have a smell or anything like that. It's like a stone? Yeah, it was crystal. You buy it off hometown heroes. It was crystal. It's got hometown heroes. It's diamond. It's hemp. Is it clear? Yeah. It's a clear crystal. That's what they told me. They came in an unmarked box and everything in the mail. It was very legit. let's check in with Duncan Trussell, our senior crystal meth correspondent.

27:22Do I look like I am? The lord of the drugs. I just know that no one has ever looked at you and thought, he's on crystal meth. That's never happened. It hasn't happened. That's what shocked me. Yeah. You seem like somebody

27:42Brian Redban:who tried to smuggle crystal meth. But they gave me hemp. You seem like you would make the crystal meth in your own laboratory. I've never heard anyone call it hemp when they got arrested for weed. Yeah, that too. The hemp thing is very... I'm a clean drug addict. Not trying to solve a mystery here, but whatever you did must have been pretty bad. Hemp is one level more dangerous than papyrus. Yeah, you go to jail now. I mean, because of me, it's legal. They're paper jokes, for those of you that can't keep up. It's illegal because of me. I'm not really known for my paper jokes, but when in Rome...

28:15Brian Redban:win in rome okay so obviously they tested this theoretically and it tested positive for crystal mech i didn't see the i didn't see the test or anything but oh good point i did not see it so let's face it let me tell you as just a normal citizen they're not just out arresting white guys for having bad vape juice you know this right yeah you bought crystal mech whether you like it or not It was shipped to you. It's not addictive, apparently. That's what the dealer wants you to think. Just do it. You talk a lot. That's how the dealer gets you to buy it. And then all of a sudden you bought it and now you're addicted to crystal meth.

28:57Brian Redban:Did you really, really, really, really, really miss your vape juice when you were in jail? I named it with Sarah and everything. It was just like, yes. What? Jesus, I got to get you out of here. I got to get you out of here. There he goes. It was Matthew Jordan with a small joke book. That's the Lady Bird Lake killer. Yeah. There he goes. Oh, he's shaped odd. I didn't even notice his odd shape until he was walking away. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along to our third bucket pool of the night. Clearly, anything can happen. Make some noise for him. It's Patricio Gutierrez, everybody.

29:37Patricio.

29:45You know, in high school, everyone called me a scrub. And look at me now. I'm single, but I think are you single is kind of a weird question if you think about it. Like, are you asking if there's more than one of me? What do you mean am I single? Do you need glasses? Did you get your head? Or it could be booze, you know. I'm sure to some of y 'all, I don't look single. I feel like the only people that would really not be single would be like enjoying twins they're definitely double but I am single people ask me how my last relationship ended uh she had a sleeping problem she slept with everyone so it was a bit of a problem there thank you on Patricio Patricio Gutierrez 44 seconds of an entire minute are you coming straight from the hospital right now?

30:37From work, yeah. What do you do for work? I'm an optometrist. Optometrist? You know, eye doctor. Yes, yes, an eye doctor, indeed. And I also don't wear glasses, which some people think is odd, like they don't know if they should trust me. Oh, very interesting. How long have you been an eye doctor for? About a year, yeah. Graduated 2025. You talk very fast. Are you an auctioneer on the side? I can do it if you're looking for one. I could tell. Smoking hemp. I could tell. What'd you say? 30, 35? 2025, graduated. 2025? Yeah.

31:09Brian Redban:2025.

31:13Brian Redban:You need glasses. Yes. You're slinging glasses out there. That's right. How long have you been? You got it in 2025? I graduated 2025. And you're already a full-time doctor. That's right. Amazing. Do you have your own practice or you work in lens crafters or something like that? A private practice, yeah, not my own. Wow, that's very good, especially for Gutierrez. That's amazing. See those horn players? You guys could have gone to college for two years longer. I love it. You must be the pride of your family, am I correct? They're proud, yeah. Yes, absolutely. You have brothers and sisters? One older brother, one younger sister, yeah.

31:52What does the brother do? He's very Catholic. That is his job. Wow. He talks about the Shroud of Turin, if you've heard of that. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, that's what he does. He does that for a living. He does that for a living. Amazing. How about the sister? What does she do? She's a stay-at-home mom? She's stay-at-home. Not a mom. She's not a mom yet? No. Wow. Incredible. So you say that you're single. This is amazing because you're a good-looking guy. You're an eye doctor. You talk at a very fast rate. It seems like you'd be good at dates. When's the last time you went on a date?

32:35I think it's close to a year now. Yeah, I haven't really been dating at all, just working. Do you have girls that flirt with you when you're checking out their eyes? I did have a very flirty patient the other day. Yeah, tell us about that. She asked if I examine anything else. Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, my goodness. Did you take the ball and run with it or what? What did you do with that? No. You handled it like a professional? I'm trying to keep my license. Right. So we told her there, no, and if you could slide your depends back on, that'd be great. Amazing. Kurt Metzger. I'm going to be honest.

33:15I don't believe this guy's single. Oh, tell us more. I doctor with a private practice. Uh-huh. Trad cath. Uh-huh. People want him to examine other things? You think he's really a single guy? I find it hard to believe myself. Yeah, something's up here. The truth. I'm just saying I smell a mystery. I'm not saying I can solve it. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. You have a regular booty call or something like that? Oh, no, no. You don't have a little fuck buddy in your life? No. Nothing at all? Nothing at all, yeah. Let's check in with Duncan Trussell. Let Kurt smell your dick. Ah, that is how we figure out if someone blind does.

33:52An eye for an eye. That's in the Bible.

33:58When's the last time you had sexual relations with a woman? It's over a year, I think. Wow, over a year. But if my parents are watching, never. Oh, you don't want them to know. Yeah, they're very Catholic. They're like your brother. They're like my brother. Wow, incredible. I'm like, did your dick ever go off in someone's eye? No.

34:19Brian Redban:What? All right. Patricio, how about for hobbies and stuff? Do you have any fun hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to finger skateboard or something like that. As a kid, I did, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow, look at that. I have an eye for talent. There you go. I watch a lot of movies, and I'm also pretty strict about movie etiquette. Oh, let's talk about movie etiquette. What are some of your rules? I just don't think people should be talking during movies. I agree. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. Red Band has a group singled out At home If you're talking I'll pause the movie I love it buddy I'm with you dude I go a step further If you made me miss something I'll rewind it a little bit I'm with you This one time actually My ex girlfriend at the time She was over at my place To watch Harry Potter And I kept doing this because she kept talking and, you know, she got upset and left.

35:20So I guess my charms made her disappear there. Ooh, look at that. Do you remember what she was saying during Harry Potter? Do you remember what she was talking about? She asking questions? I think she was trying to have a whole conversation. Yeah, unacceptable. I'm not even sure if it was about the movie at all either. Right.

35:38Brian Redban:Absolutely unacceptable. Duncan knows all about this. Nothing worse than when one of those damn ladies starts talking during Harry Potter. Free under date. Free every day. Free him now!

35:52Brian Redban:That is amazing. Patricio, other than movies, is there anything else crazy we should know about you? No, I don't know. Because you seem like a good guy. You seem very like you have it all together. Let me ask you this specifically. And yes, your parents might see this, but they get it, right? We're all adults. They have their little secrets too. Catholics, let me tell you. They... Oh, boy, oh, boy. They live a secret double life. You're looking at, I went 12 years of Catholic schooling. And let me tell you, all those people that preached to me, this, that, they all turned out to be scum buckets in the end, right?

36:30They're covering up crimes at Ursuline High School in Youngstown, Ohio. Sex trafficking. Across-state sex trafficking. Look it up. This is the high school that disowned me during the whole Puerto Rico thing. Anyway. Well, I'm disowning them. You hear me, Ursuline High School? I'm disowning you now. How does it feel? Yeah. You could have just kept your mouth shut. The news cycle would have ended in a couple days, but you had to go out there. Okay. So, we know your Catholic parents are watching. We know your brother is putting down the Shroud of Turin for a second and listening to this. But I got to ask you, because you're living the life, dude.

37:10Private practice. Eye doctor. single you don't like talking during movies you're perfect what i want to know is what's the naughtiest thing about you what's a naughty give us one dark side of patricio you know something that like is a

37:26Brian Redban:guilty pleasure in which you're like man i probably shouldn't be doing like i like to go to pinballs and spend vast sums of money on uh on claw machines i have a guilty guilty guilty claw machine I have a puppy at home and I just win him fucking stuffed animals. I bring home bags of stuffed animals for my little puppy and he just tears them up. I throw them in the trash because who gives a fuck? There's more stuffed animals. That's mine. What's yours?

37:57I don't know. I like swimming. I think that's a good day.

38:06Get the fuck out of here.

38:14Yo, this is a guy Dexter hunts on the show. Dexter.

38:20Oh, God, I'm gonna die. All that set up, all my rambling. I gave you so much time to think. Well, the naughtiest thing about me, Tony, I like going for a dip every once in a while. I like getting my dick wet, but not the way you think, Tony. Like, jumping in a pool, perhaps. A chlorinated swimming pool for me, Tone. I think it's a good first aid. That's what I'm saying. He's chilling. He's got like a collection of people's eyeballs in his fucking safe. Right now, his parents are like,

38:58Brian Redban:wow, what a good boy we raised. Amazing. Patricio, you came in short on your time, but I like your style, man. I like everything about you. You seem like an honest guy who's just a fucking good guy. You're just starting out. How long have you been on stand-up? One week. One week? Perfect. For one week, you're perfect, man. Here's the big joke book. I love it. Patricio Gutierrez. You get some glasses. That was a bad toss. That was my fault. The rare bad toss from Tony Henchcliffe. There goes Patricio Gutierrez. Hey, y 'all. You know, taking control of mental health can feel overwhelming, but talk space makes prioritizing well-being simple and accessible.

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40:33Brian Redban:That's right. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get$80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-8-0. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com and enter promo code SPACE80. A Talkspace therapist will be in your corner for whatever comes up. To talk through your hard relationships, share your pride and big accomplishments, and be a place for you to vent day or night. When you make space for a therapist who just gets you, life just gets brighter. Talkspace therapists are all licensed with an average of 10 years of experience.

41:12Talkspace is covered by most insurance plans and maybe no cost to you. Go to Talkspace.com to get started. You know what? Let's do something a little fun here.

41:20Brian Redban:Before I get to this next bucket poll, I have a golden ticket winner right behind that curtain. I warn you guys, tonight is an action-packed show. And we're going to get a quick set and a short interview from one of my favorite Golden Ticket winners ever. This guy, dark, dark sense of humor. Super professional. A guy who I just, I love him. Ladies and gentlemen, I think you love him too. It's the return of Sir Winston Pickles, everybody.

41:58I can't believe how many foster children are out there. And to be honest, I think Mr and Mrs Foster need to quit fucking.

42:12Talking of unwanted children, you can get rid of babies without using exercise resistance bands.

42:23you can believe it or not leave them no questions asked on the doorstep of any firehouse sub sandwich shop

42:38you know people think I don't like children making jokes like that but I'm thankful children are around who else would mind the cobalt for our batteries

42:53Thank you.

42:57I'm getting old now. I'm 61. And I think back to certain years when events change how you think about life. And I remember playing with my favourite toys. And it dawned on me suddenly, you're too old to be doing that now. So you round your toys up, bundle them in the car, and take them to the back of a goodwill and set those ladies free.

43:31I'm going to leave you with this.

43:36This weekend marks 25 years since the most heinous act was perpetrated on mankind. Silver Side Up by Nickelback was released.

43:54Fortunately, the Twin Towers came down that week and gave us a welcome distraction.

44:01Sir Winston Pickles. So dark.

44:06Brian Redban:His humor is so dark he has to do whiteface. You gotta love it. You are something else, Sir Winston Pickles. I love your style. How's life going? Good? Good. It's been a good week for me. I have chronic depression and now I've got the... Thank you. I have chronic depression and apparently now I can strangle babies with no... That is true. That is true. You'll get a mistrial. Look out, H-E-B. It's a little clown horn you got there, Redman. That's adorable. Yes, it is true, Sir Winston Pickles. How's life been treating you? Good? You been working hard? Working hard, Tony, as always. I love it. Absolutely.

44:47Trying to post every day on my Instagram account. Keep that going. Yes, absolutely. Check me out, Sir Winston Pickles. There he is, Sir Winston Pickles. Guys, do you have any questions or comments for Sir Winston Pickles? I love you, Winston Pickles, but no offense. I feel like you're stealing some of John Wayne Gacy's jokes. Dude, I saw that too. Now look, we all love a good murdering a child joke, okay? But why the attacks on Nickelback? They're helpless.

45:16Brian Redban:I did notice you got offended. Why don't you pick on somebody who could defend themselves, like a small babe?

45:25There you go. Sir Winston, we love you. Another great dark set from the great Sir Winston Pickles. Thanks for having me, Tony. Absolutely. Always a pleasure, Sir Winston. Great stuff. Minute and a half of some real darkness there. And the show keeps moving on. Was he like Coldplay, the classy Nickelback?

45:46Brian Redban:Sir Winston. What did he give you guys? What is that? Is that a bumper sticker? Oh, caution baby in trunk. That's amazing. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? working hard tonight. All right. I know your next bucket pool, everybody. This is a former Comedy Store door guy. Make some noise for Trey Stewart, everybody.

46:12Oh, wow. Yeah, I dedicate this set to Lindsay Clancy. We got any Lindsay Clancy supporters? Good. Fuck that bitch. Right? No, that's wild, man. I haven't seen this many white women rally behind a murderer since Hillary Clinton.

46:36Yeah, that's bitch. It is wild, man. Immediately when I heard that, I knew she was white, right? The crime. There's just some crimes where you hear you know the race, right? Like, if somebody, you know, robbed a liquor store, black guy. Somebody breaks into your house, starts doing math, Asian. somebody murders their three kids that's a white woman all day that's white man and i this is what liberals get for legalizing late abortions i am but to be clear i am pro-choice you know i believe in women's right to choose whether or not they're going to hell because that's where they're going straight to hell that's my time Trey Stewart with exactly a minute.

47:23A real professional. Former comedy store door guy. Welcome, Trey. How are you? Good, good. You live in Austin now, right? Yes. How long have you lived here? A little over a year. Okay, how's it going for you? Good? Pretty good. Just out here murdering trans people. You have to. Really? You've been doing that? Legally, you have to. No, I'm not. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, it's been going great. I love it. Having a good time. Trying to date. It's tough dating here. Tell me about it. Well, it's just a lot of white women.

47:56Brian Redban:Normally, that's a perk for your people. Are they not big-bootied enough for you? No, they are, but I'm trying to quit. The Ozempic's really fucking up my homie's game, am I right? Ozempic be trifling instead of truffling. They used to be truffling. now they're trifling out on these streets all these white women be losing their ass they are it's a is that where you were getting to that it's an epidemic man all these flat-ass white women it's against god man go eat some fucking cornbread that's right put some butter yeah i'm trying to actually move away from white women i'm a recovering white woman addict i'm trying you know i'm trying to uh get back on god's path that's right white men tony i'll fuck you if that's what you're saying trey you're about to win a golden ticket you keep acting like this all right uh trey what else is going on in life what do you do for fun what are you into you seem like the kind of guy that likes a finger skateboard or something like that is that like finger on a girl or what are you talking about no it's white people shit they Just ignore it.

49:11Tell us what you do for fun. You know what's funny? I see we have the mystery boys here. One of my favorite things is actually I like to fall down just deep YouTube rabbit holes. Like what? The other day I saw a video that said the truth behind the magic school bus. Ooh. Part five. It was five. Wow. What was the truth behind it? Well, it was four hours, but we don't have that much time. So I'll just get to it. It was the Jews. Oh. Just, you know, I'll... Amazing.

49:52Brian Redban:Kurt Metzger. Well, a lot of people don't know that Trey is actually a Mystery Boys Junior Achiever. He's in our after-school program. Oh, wow. That's right. I didn't realize mystery was spelled with a Z. And boys. It is when Trey shows up. Like mystical. I think I'm like zesty. anyway i didn't appreciate the hillary clinton jokes that woman did a lot come on you're right i'm sorry that was a good one that was a good one fourth lindsey uh clancy reference of the night but yours really hit at home i think oh like you wouldn't fuck her dude i would i'd fuck the shit out of now that i know that you know she has no kids i don't fuck with mom yeah but

50:40you're creating a market now but from what i heard she's she likes sending the men out to run some errands so not my kind of lady that's true how about you run the errands i strangle the children show's so stupid i can't believe this show is successful it's unbelievable You know what's interesting about the Lindsay is, you know, she said that she heard a man's voice telling her to murder her kids. So she's really just being obedient. Wow. You know what? These white women might not be that bad after all. How about a round of applause for being obedient, huh? Obedient women. Absolutely. Absolutely.

51:24All right, Trey. Great stuff. Red band. Trey, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Oh, yeah. Yes, sir. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Boom. On to the next one we go, ladies and gentlemen.

51:38Brian Redban:You know, I'm always in the mood for meat in my mouth. Tonight's sponsor is Meriwether Farms Natural Beef Sticks. I love beef sticks. Of course you do, Red Band. You look like your blood type is gas station teriyaki. Man, these aren't gas station beef sticks. They're made with real American beef, raised without antibiotics or added hormones. That's right. Real American beef. not some imported mystery tube made from refined circus animals and the floor of a bus station. They're savory, packed with nine grams of protein, and easy to take anywhere. I have some in my pants right now. Lord knows you do.

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52:56Brian Redban:That'll help you. Great. Maybe chewing will finally keep you quiet. Oh, man, that's MeriweatherFarms.com and code KILTONY for 20 % off your first order. Mm-hmm. How fun. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Zayn Anas, everybody. Zayn Anas.

53:23I will twist my cock and throw it across the block. Hey, Trevor, how you been? White people say the funniest shit when they haven't seen each other in a while. Anyone else grow up with a funny name? Well, I did. So my first name is spelled A-N-A-S. So growing up in school, when teacher did roll call, she'd say, Anus, is Anus here? And just to fuck with her, I'd say, they call me Anus because I wrecked him.

54:01so thank you so i just arrived in texas i went to this uh my new favorite store heb and uh yeah fuck yeah guys and i could not find a parking spot this place was packed so i'm sitting there circling the block trying to find a spot and i come up with an idea i come up with an idea and it's a uh app like uber but instead of a driver coming to pick you up a disabled person is delivered to you that way you can park in a handicap spot i think we get it we see where you're going there there it is the full set of zane anas welcome zane how are you anus you can call me anus no it's all right it's anas we'll call it anas what are you greek I'm a Syrian.

54:54Ooh. How long have you been in America? You look like you just got here today. I was actually born in Texas. Oh, wow. Okay.

55:05Brian Redban:All right. I'm sorry. D does not like Syrians. He's going to step out for a bit. He's very big on world peace, so he doesn't believe that you were born here. He's blind, so he has extra senses, so he knows when somebody's lying. um so zane uh amazing how did your syrian parents end up in texas of all places um man so think of a lie real quick i'll tell you the truth mr tony long story short my father came here back in the 70s uh he got married to a flight attendant and um then he went back to my country that's how my dad got here then he went back to my country and he met my mother amazing he brought amazing you know what normally i wouldn't believe you but you called me mr tony and everybody knows that i love that i love being called mr tony it's only three people that call me mr tony my cleaning lady my cleaning lady and you

56:08red band's laughing because he knows it's true we have the same cleaning lady and i car buyer first mr red band mr red band your underwear very dirty let's check in with my

56:20Brian Redban:steam panel here don't he wants them uh all right let's check in with my panel duncan hey um i'm is your first name anus zanus yeah i go i go by zane zane is my middle name but my first legal name is anus so i'm just i have a weird name duncan that's a weird name but But have you ever asked your parents why they named you anus? Yeah, they tell me in my language it's... Red band. Red band. Come on. Come on, red band. It's a serious show, red band. It's fucking disrespectful. So disrespectful. Apologize to anus. Red band. It's a serious part of the show. Why did they name you that? What does that mean in Syrian?

57:16Brian Redban:Does it mean something better than it does here? My mother tells me in Arabic that it means friendly, generous, happy. How long did they live in America before having you? Fuck, that's a good question. I don't know. Wow. I don't know. Since this, my pops came here in the 70s. He went to Woodstock. Okay. But when they had you, they knew what anus meant in English. My mother didn't know English. Oh, I see. I grew up at home speaking Arabic. Got it. Oh, man. Andrew Tate School. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. I thought you did great, anus. I would like to add, because I was nervous just for this Jew over here, because I thought you were Persian.

58:03And what a relief to find out he was not Iranian, our old enemy that we're fighting on behalf of your good people, sir. No, Syria, I think we just installed ISIS as your president over there. So you're welcome, first of all. Zane, what do you do for work? uh man embarrassingly right now i'm just uh working in my car and sleeping in it as well you're working in your car okay kurt here we go what are you doing for work in your car just uber oh got it yep very syrian of you and you're sleeping in the same vehicle yes i drove 30 hours here from the west coast okay where do you live you live on the west coast yes sir where uh very close to the store where you started okay hollywood you go there do you sign up for their open mics and whatnot i honestly have never tried stand up in la but you live there i live there you drove all the way here yes sir just to start stand up several weeks ago i've been here signing up every day.

59:16Got it. Where do you park? What kind of car do you have? It's a Chevy. Chevy what? Equinox. Got it. Where do you park when sleeping in your car? This is a question I always like to ask people. I've famously slept in my car 19 years ago behind the comedy store. You can't even do that anymore. It's blocked off. Yes, sir. Yeah. So, you know, that was safe for me. I worked there. I knew everybody there. I could shower there. I could wash my clothes there it's very tough to live in your car how do you do it what are your tricks i find it to be an intriguing thing to know that you can survive on something so simple go ahead sorry i found out for um anyone else that's doing uber there's a surge at 4 a.m by uh berg storm international airport yes bergstrom yeah it's fine go ahead 4 a.m there's a surge so i get up at like 350 and uh there's a charger right by the airport so i charge my car up juice that shit up and start working okay very good duncan trussell hey i you know i know you probably wanted to say this uh but i've got some good news for you tony is gonna get you a week at the four seasons hotel here in

1:00:47house definitely not can i say something mr tony yes sir i i don't want y 'all to feel bad for me because my my car like i could turn on the camp mode and i just keep the ac running all night and I turn on the 432 frequency so I don't hear the crackheads outside. Amazing. Wait till you stay at the Four Seasons. You're gonna love it. It's so cool. I mean, but if you sleep in your car, like people are gonna go in your car like as an Uber. Does it smell like anus in there or like... I mean, like cyber taxis are gonna take your job because of this. Cyber taxis are coming for everybody's jobs. It is amazing.

1:01:29A little hack. So I bought an essential oil diffuser for the car. Wow. So my car smells like eucalyptus. Eucalyptus. That's all you need. That's all you need. I love it. All my favorite smells, and I have a lot of favorite smells.

1:01:46Brian Redban:Leather, sandalwood. There is no smell I love more than eucalyptus. It is my absolute favorite. I have it hanging in my shower right now. I buy the actual eucalyptus. From the eucalyptus store and I hang fresh. I get it fresh every few weeks. The lady that calls me, Mr. Tony, brings it to me. She knows I like a fresh rotation of eucalyptus. When you hear that noise, you know that I said eucalyptus. That's a jungle bird. All right. Anas, Anas, Anas. All right. So what made you, is this your first time doing stand-up? I'm confused. You've been doing open mics in Austin. Yes, sir. Austin and Houston.

1:02:35And I do a lot of shit when I'm working.

1:02:39Brian Redban:You love your car. You're in your car all the time. I make the car. You have an oil disfuser. You work in your car. You're sure you're not Persian? I'm not Persian. I'm serious. Let me ask you this because I didn't really get an answer to this. You went straight into how you work in your car. But tell me and the people, the world wants to know, Tell us about how do you shower living in a car? Yeah, I found out there's a cool gym called Crunch Fitness for$9.99 a month. You can go. It's open actually 24 hours because I found a 24-hour, but it's not open 24 hours. Interesting. Yeah, so I found Crunch Fitness, and I just go shower there.

1:03:20Brian Redban:Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. You got it all figured out. There it is. Zayn Anas, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Mr. Tony. Yes. I hate to ask for anything, but I actually don't rap, but I made a rap just for your show. Oh, Jesus. Really? It's only four bars. Okay, let's hear the four bars. Let's do it. Let's do it. All right. You want a beat? You want a little beat? I don't need nothing. Oh, okay. All right. All right. All right. All right, go. It's too many haters, so I keep a shield. Red band looking like he ate a happy meal And she just came along For the weed and pills Mama, I'm gonna kill Tony Gotta keep it real Alright Hey You do look like you just ate a happy meal Here's a Here's a medium joke book, Zane There you go, buddy That was actually nice of him to say I was eating a smaller meal That is a small meal for you He didn't say how many happy meals you ate Oh, he's single.

1:04:28Brian Redban:He said a happy meal, but you could have eaten more. Could have been another happy meal. I bet he's that deep. He is so deep. All right, we're going to keep it moving here. This guy has a pretty good handwriting. Normally, that's a sign of a decent comedian. Let's see if the tradition stays strong here. Make some noise for Tim Reichard, everybody. Tim Reichard.

1:04:57Tell you a bit about myself, folks. Actually, my wife told me this the other day. She said, you know, you're the kind of dick that inspires people to put the word weed afterwards. You're a dick weed. The thing that I just told you about myself is that I'm married to that cunt.

1:05:17It's all right. I only do that joke because she's in the room and it's her favorite. Because she wrote it. Actually, she wrote the setup. I wrote the punchline. It's a team effort. Marriage is a team sport. It's a team. One of my uncles on my wedding day, he told me, he said, Tim, you know, the best thing about marriage is you get to share all the good things in your life with someone else, which is kind of obvious, but I've discovered that the best thing about marriage is you get to share all the bad things in life with someone else. So it cuts all your bad shit in half, right? It's like, I'm not in debt.

1:05:48We're in debt. I'm not getting evicted. We're getting evicted. I don't have chlamydia.

1:06:02We're getting a divorce. So, you know, you share the good, you share the bad. Tim Reichert, very good set. Welcome, Tim. Thank you. Tim, how long have you been doing stand-up? That was actually my first stand-up comedy set. Really? Sorry, I wasn't done. I wasn't done in 15 years. Wow, you took a 15-year break? It was a 15-year break, yeah. How long were you doing it for before the break? 20 years. 20 years. Where at? I started in 1990. Where? Toronto. Okay. You were doing it for 15 years in Toronto? Yeah. Well, in Toronto and Vancouver. Okay. You're a full-blown Canadian. I'm a full-blown Canadian.

1:06:42And what made you restart today? How old are you? I'm 60 years old. Oh, you look great for 60. Thank you. Amazing. what made you want to restart stand-up comedy here today in austin texas well i you know i missed it i missed uh you know the love i missed uh i i missed all that but uh you know i was really inspired by the austin comedy scene i was i was just kind of i wanted to come down just to see it and then i was like well let's do some sets while you're down there and i i flew in on the red eye last night was not expecting my first i would not have done this to you i would not have done my I first set after 15 years on this show.

1:07:20It went great. I thought I'd sign up, and I got pulled. I couldn't believe it. It was fantastic.

1:07:25Brian Redban:Fantastic, Tim. So let's talk about it. I love having older people on this show because during this interview part, they normally have a wealth of history and information and knowledge. What do you need to know? Anything interesting about your 60 years of life. Tell us some fun facts about Tim Reichert. Fun facts about Tim Reichert? I mean, you know, this is the part of the show where I try to find out what makes people different. What makes them tick? What are their passions? What are they? Anything crazy? Ever have a near-death experience? Ever save anybody's life? Ever finger skateboard? Available at killmerch.com, by the way.

1:08:05You know, the other big things in my life are surfing and poker and philosophy.

1:08:11Brian Redban:Ooh. Ooh. Interesting. What about philosophy? What's the most interesting thing about philosophy that you've learned? What's the most interesting thing about philosophy? What department of philosophy? You can pick it, my friend. I can pick it. Free will doesn't exist? Tell us about it. No, I just said that because Kurt's here. He doesn't like that. Is philosophy that kind of sandwich that the last guys people make?

1:08:39I like that. You like a nice philosophy sandwich? Like on a flatbread?

1:08:51Tim Reichert. So, you have any kids? No kids. No kids. How'd you manage that? Well, my wife and I don't have any kids because we're pro-life. Uh-huh. You have to decide at some point, do you want kids or do you want a life? I love it. We chose life. I love it. And you mostly spend that on poker and surfing your life, huh? Yes. What do you do for a living? I don't, well, I did stand-up, and then for 15 years. So what I did over the last 15 years, I produced a documentary film about a group of sports gamblers. Ooh. Yeah. What's the? It's called Low Baggers, and it was about a group of, actually, in Texas, in San Antonio, Texas, there's a YouTube channel called PubSports Radio, and they do sports betting content, and it's about these bunch of guys who met on that channel, and they all come to San Antonio every year to do like a big gathering.

1:09:48And they met and they're friends and they love each other. And it was such like a cool story. I decided to do a documentary about it and I made a documentary about it. Interesting. You still married to your wife? I'm still married to my wife. And you're still banging? Every Sunday. How long? The Canadian way. Oh, he's back. When he hears about two straight... When he hears about heterosexual sex, he appears out of nowhere.

1:10:19Brian Redban:Amazing. Every Sunday, my wife and I have a date in my bed. Wow. And how do you keep things fresh on Sundays? What do you do? Do you have any special Canadian moves in the bedroom? Do you have the old maple tree or the old early euthanization, perhaps? Any of the special Canadian tricks? the old kill yourself because of the sad day. Go to the Tim Hortons and get an assist to suicide. That's right. I think not keeping it fresh is the secret. We both know what each other likes. Oh. And we just go at it. Can I ask you what that is? Is it like a porno? So we do this. You do that. You go straight to that.

1:11:00You just go for the old dry... Right in her poutine? You know, our nickname... There you go. You just go straight for it. Just straight missionary. Absolute start there. It's boring, but it's exactly what we both want. And we get it every Sunday. Missionary.

1:11:17Brian Redban:Or as it's called, Canadian doggy style. It's very exciting if you're Canadian. Very exciting. They don't have reverse cowgirl or any of that wacky shit. A little maple syrup. You're right. Okay, Tim. Anything else crazy about your life we should know before letting you go? because I always find 60-year-olds normally have like this, like, well, once I had to beat the shit out of a shark when I was surfing or something like that. Where do you surf, by the way? Toronto? Tofino, Canada. It's on the west coast of Vancouver Island. Nice. And we moved there for surfing. That's actually one of the reasons I got out of stand-up comedy because there's no comedy on the island.

1:12:02Cold water. Very cold water, but there's wetsuit technology. Ah, okay. Works very well. You stay nice and warm. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Awesome. Yeah. All right. All right, Tim. Well, congratulations. Fun set. Here's a big joke book, buddy. Big joke book. Congratulations. Tim Reichert, everybody. Thank you, folks. Welcome back. All right. We're moving strong and steady here. We're going to get one of our great regulars up here, everybody. This guy has to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Not easy. A dreadful job, but he makes it look easy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas.

1:12:44Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here he is.

1:12:51What's up, y 'all? Dark Storm. Dark Storm got a problem. My nephew just got suspended from school for selling vape pens. Because, you know, the youth like to breathe in vanilla Coke and orange soda and shit like that. They want their AI cigarettes. I like acoustic cigarettes more than their electric cigarettes. But he got called selling them, and then his dad came and picked him up, and he was like, where are you getting the vape pens from? And he said, don't lie to me. Like, lie to your mama because, like, they separated, so, like, she don't count. He said, you tell me the truth. Didn't this nigga go say, oh, I been getting them from Uncle Dedrick.

1:13:37he ship them to me and then we split the profits. Right? So he gonna call me mad as hell and he's like, I said, first of all, you not mad at me, you mad you raised a snitch. Alright? You mad you raised a snitch. I told you to stop giving that nigga almond milk. Alright? If you didn't give that nigga whole milk, he would have been doing a whole milk crime. What is this world coming to? Why is Subway selling nachos? Nigga, that is not your way. Your way is the sub. Who made that decision? The same nigga that I hired, Jared. I've been eating a lot of magnesium so I can pee hard because, like, I want to be prepared for the day where a dude walks, but he don't honor the one star thing and he can't pee next to you.

1:14:33And you know, as a man, that's a challenge. so I want to piss harder than this nigga you know what I'm saying so I peel hard as fuck from the magnesium this shit be splashing on me and then getting on him he gotta run away cause that nigga lost but I didn't realize the consequences cause now I come too hard like I could press and watch the sidewalk you know what I'm saying from the PSI and I came and my girlfriend or an IUD shot out and then it hit me in the eye and then she just missed her period so we'll see Dark Storm Allen. Jedrick Flynn.

1:15:14I always

1:15:15Brian Redban:learn something new watching your sets. Is Subway really selling nachos now? Yeah. Really? Yeah. And it looks like shit on the commercial. Oh my God. That is crazy. I don't know how you make bad nachos. Even the nachos, when you pour and you just got the chips and then you got like a little bit of whatever cheese and you put jalapenos. That looks fucking great. But whatever, whoever shot this commercial is just trying to piss us off, Tony. It's trying to piss us off. What the fuck is that? I know when your teeth stay clenched, you're mad. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's that. Duncan, trust me. I'm so sorry.

1:15:51Oh, you're great. I have to go take a shit.

1:15:53Brian Redban:Really? I got your room at the Four Seasons if you want to... If you want to go over there. Round of rooms for everyone at the Four Seasons.

1:16:05I love it. Why are they dressed like black Israelites? That's it.

1:16:13They really are tonight. You ever see them here? They're here. Yeah. It's incredible. You know what I do when I go up there? I go, free Palestine, you fucking Jew pricks. Yeah. That's what I say to them. I walk around. I'm scared.

1:16:29Brian Redban:Wow. I'm just shocked that Subway's... How long has Subway been selling nachos for? It's been 10 days, Tony, since the incident. Oh, my goodness. It's been 10 days of war on my mind, Tony. Have you tried them? Have you seen them in person or just on the commercial? Tony, I got stuff to do later. I can't have no Subway nachos on my stomach. But what if I ate them today? That's probably what that nigga ate. And that's why he had to leave. I do love Duncan Trussell, but he got a doo-doo tussle coming on. Wow. Come on. Dark Storm. Duncan had Subway nachos earlier, by the way. Yeah. Dark Storm knows all things.

1:17:09Dark Storm does. They also have Subway pizza, which is even worse. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. It's disgusting. No way. What are they doing? That's H1B Visa fucking pizza nachos. Yeah. Oh, my God. When you're Subway, you have to do something when you're fighting against, like, Jersey mics and shit like that. Yeah, it's tough competition out there. Thundercloud, I meant to say. Oh, there you go.

1:17:30Brian Redban:our senior sandwich correspondent, Brian Redman. Oh, yeah, he is big sandwich. He's like an autistic guy. Jimmy John's, Leonard Cloud.

1:17:41Brian Redban:It's like the auctioneer. 35, 35, 36, 37, there he is. Dedrick, always fun. There he goes, the Dark Storm. Dedrick Flynn, everybody. We're just going to keep it moving along here. Well, Duncan. Is he really shitting? He might be. I don't know. It's pretty wild. Here we are. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? She'll be with us in Dallas, Houston, Las Vegas, and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. All those dates coming up fast. Very exciting. These are the only Kill Tony road dates this year, so catch one. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Ryan, everybody. Right out of the bucket.

1:18:26Brian Redban:Let's see what happens. Mike Ryan.

1:18:31A little bit about me. I am officially down 100 pounds, so that's pretty cool. Thank you. Thank you. It actually wasn't that difficult. I just had to change little things, but every day, right? So, like, today, I did go to McDonald's, but instead of getting a double quarter pounder with cheese like I normally would, I ate a kid's meal. His parents were fucking pissed. I don't know why they were so mad. I gave them the toy, right? It was a girl's toy anyway. Let's get right into it. Lindsay Clancy. I just found out about that on Friday. I got into an argument at work, and white women on TikTok are losing their fucking minds over this shit.

1:19:12Like, I've heard of late-stage abortions, but the 17th trimester is a little much, isn't it? And she was like, you don't understand. You don't understand. You don't understand what it's like to be a woman with postpartum depression. I said, you're right, I don't. and i really felt for it i was like why don't you explain it to me why don't you explain it to me like i'm five years old and she strangled me

1:19:39thank you guys my grind

1:19:45Brian Redban:the great duncan trussell is back mike that was fun uh you've been on this show before uh yeah three times nice welcome back great shirt thank you is that where'd you get where do you get a shirt like that uh timu whoa oh my god i love that timu yeah there's great stuff i got my drummer off timu i don't know if you know that if you know that

1:20:17have you just been waiting for me to make fun how many weeks in a row have you had that thing Two weeks. Oh, my God.

1:20:27Brian Redban:I don't know. Meg, did you get that with that camera? Did you get that? Mike, do it one more time. That's absolutely incredible. It's almost like we coordinated that. It's like I'm going to do a T-moo. Have your wacky thing ready. All right. Let's talk about it. Mike, how's life been lately? What's going on in your world? I just opened up a comedy club. Nice. Here in Austin? No, it's in Houston, Texas. Oh, okay. Crazy. We're going to be in Houston on October 17th doing a massive giant theater. Sugar Land, right? Yeah. The financial center. Sugar Land Financial Center. How many seats does your club hold?

1:21:08150. We actually have Pat O 'Neill coming October 2nd and 3rd. Oh, awesome. He's sold out four shows. Yeah. No, he's a fucking machine right now. He's literally the top of the industry right now.

1:21:19Brian Redban:Nobody's doing it as big as him. So what's it been like? How long has your club been open for? We opened August 8th, so we've only been open a few weeks. It's called the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club. Oh, wow, I see. Oh, that worked out. Now I see. I get it. I get it. How many different shirts, Pink Flamingo shirts, did you get off Teemu? I have 34. Really? And every time I go to my mom's house, there's two more waiting on me. Wow, she's the one buying them for you? Yeah. Oh, that's adorable. So the last time I was on, I was wearing a shirt with a pink flamingo on it. You said it looked like a tissue box or something like that.

1:21:56Kleenex. That's what it was, yeah. Pacifica, it must be Kleenex. They have wacky designs on their boxes. So when I was trying to think of a name, I really wanted to do like an animal and a color and stuff. And I was looking at that shirt and I was like, okay, it's the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That's how the magic happens. So what have you learned owning your own comedy club that maybe you could teach somebody out there that is owning a struggling comedy club right now? Perhaps you could share some information. I wish I could have warned you not to do that shit, dude. You said it was a great idea.

1:22:29What are you... No, you really didn't. I got high ceilings. It was a theater, so... It really is high ceilings? Well, it was a theater. So it was built in 1908 as a silent movie theater, and then it was a speakeasy during Prohibition. So it has a balcony, and so I mean there's high ceilings but there's seating you know three levels so okay all right Mike what's your love life like right now you seem like the kind of guy that absolutely masturbates into a paper towel you really clocked that one yeah that's insane dude thank you who've you been talking to thank you I've just I just talked to a lot of people on this show I learn a lot am I correct you actually use paper towels as your

1:23:13Brian Redban:clean up device no beat what a beach towel let me guess a pink flamingo shirt if there's one laying around yeah right um do you have a girlfriend you have a fuck buddy what's going on mike uh no i've uh i've just been like focusing on being successful and usually when i'm dating that's not a thing so interesting yeah interesting well why do you think you can't do both are the women in your life kind of uh kind of needy do they not want you to chase your dreams is this something that you've noticed from people of the opposite yeah i was married so yeah that was whoa how long were you married for like eight months eight months wow amazing we should stuck it out yeah uh tell us about that so how long were you dating before a couple years yeah okay and then you got married and then what happened as soon as you got married take us through it there might be someone out there that's just about to pop the question is somebody that they don't really like that much uh uh we talked about this the first time i was on but my uh best man got murdered on my wedding day so oh wow we talked about this yeah all right can we talk about it again is that all right i mean your voice cracked a little bit when you said it but i mean all right you know here to talk about my life whatever that's okay uh so how did he get murdered again uh he got shot uh by some like rappers he got shot this was a true houston wedding amazing he actually he got shot two days before and then i went to see him at the hospital and they said he was going to be fine uh so we went forward with the wedding uh got a call like two hours before before the wedding yeah doesn't the hospital have any fucking chill whatsoever It was like a friend of mine that called to tell me.

1:25:08Wow. Yeah. Okay. So that should have been a sign that the marriage wasn't going to go that well. I mean. Yeah. My mom had already paid the caterer, so. Got it. That's all that matters. In Houston, they have a saying, once you pay the caterer, the wedding must go on. Actually, so one of the things that helped me get through that was the show Midnight gospel so thank you episode with your with your mom thanks sorry about your friend thank you wow sorry this asshole played a fucking air horn twice

1:25:49all right so mike how did you know when how to give us an example of how you knew that the marriage was over you guys were married for eight months i came home from work and she said i want a divorce wow that's a sign yeah it's a very clear sign um did she give you a specific reason why um not really uh i was kind of like emotionally dead for the whole marriage because of your friend the murder right your friend being murdered she sounds awesome yeah but afterwards is when I started doing comedy. That's great. Did she kill the guy? If she did, that would be R-I-T-T-A-R-D.

1:26:44Brian Redban:Mike Ryan. Fun times, bud. Here's another big joke book. I'm sure you already have one, but there's another one. There he goes. We're keeping it moving here. Get another one out of this bucket, huh? This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trini Martinez. Trini Martinez. Here we go. My day starts when I walk into the barbershop and I notice all the barbers are wearing gloves these days. Well, I think there should be gloves specifically for the blacks. And it's going to be sponsored by Magnum. I also notice that barbershops and whorehouses are very, very similar. like you go in you try to find a person with the most experience because you need to get in and out as fast as possible because you got a wife and two kids waiting for you at home I think I think I know exactly what all the black guys were thinking when they went home with armor that night I guarantee you they thought they were about to put a hundred years of slavery on that ass like Terry Crews did that white boy on white chicks he's gonna need a wheelchair little did they know Dahmer was a real eater I also have a theory on why I think Dahmer went after the blacks and it started when he came to Texas visited our local Buc-ee's where he got that foot long Sanchicha on a stick picked it up and said if this was just charred

1:28:21Trini Martinez let me just start by saying Trini I love your style, pal. I love it. Not a lot of laughter, but man, you are shooting your shots. You are taking wild chances out here. I practice all the time with my clients. You're at the barber shop. Yes, sir. Oh, my goodness. I always say it while I'm doing the haircut so they'll laugh. I love it. Amazing. What part of San Antonio are you from? Oh, shit. Houston, Houston.

1:28:52Brian Redban:Houston. One of my favorite parts of San Antonio. You're born and raised in Houston? Yes, sir. Amazing. Do you know Mike Ryan? Do you know about the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club? I do not, but I've been trying to get into the comedy scene out there. Don't tell comedy and things like that. We know all about that. So Trini, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I actually started the beginning of this year at the Moody Center. I was one of the sign-ups there, and the Asian lady next to me had got the golden ticket. Yeah, that makes sense. We remember that. Young. Young got the golden ticket with her famous Asian Trump impression.

1:29:32Brian Redban:That was close. Have you done stand-up since then? This is actually my first time. Wow. Incredible. Trini, amazing. Most people start and warm up before talking about Black Guys Barbershops, Whorehouses, and Jeffrey Dahmer, and then back to black guys again. I actually practiced these jokes in Baton Rouge during a barber competition, and I didn't get no laughs. Everybody was concentrating on the event. Barber competitions be like that. I've performed at many barber competitions out on the streets. Wait, was it a barber comedian competition? No, no, trust me, everybody was taking it serious. I'm the one that was trying to crack jokes for a minute practicing for this particular set.

1:30:14Wow. Wait, what is your set at home? Tongo Blast or something? Oh, shit. No, man. Just a barber, bro. Barber of life all the way. Okay. Besides this, you know, my hands are getting bad. My eyesight's going, so I need to figure out something else to do. Can't give a guy the anger anymore. I'm about to look like D-Man in a few years. All right. When you say your hands are going bad, what exactly is going on with your hands? Arthritis, masturbating too much, things like that. You have arthritis? It's getting there. It's starting to hurt. Carpal tunnel. Clippers, yeah. Have you ever tried getting some eucalyptus and perhaps rubbing it into your hands?

1:30:49Have you tried this? Muscle rub. Muscle rub. That's about it. Muscle rub? Yeah. And then... Tiger bomb? Everything. Everything. You've tried it all. But the arthritis is kicking in. How old are you exactly?

1:31:01Brian Redban:I'm 31. 31 years old. Full-blown arthritis. Losing his eyesight. This is absolutely incredible. Why do you think your body is failing you, Trini Martinez? The world wants to know. Have you been eating the nachos from Subway, my friend? I've been getting them from DQ. Oh, Dairy Queen. Let's check in with our senior Dairy Queen correspondent, Kurt Metzger. Thank you, Mr. Tony. I'm going to tell you, your affliction happens to tattoo people a lot. Right? And jewelers. People have got to make the little... I used to be an apprentice to a jeweler, and he was all fucked up at 31 with arthritis. Because you've got to sit there.

1:31:39you're cutting them Edgars exactly the way they like it, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I get plenty of them. Tell us about the... You know what Edgar is? Yes, of course. Okay. It's that Mexican haircut where they look like Moe from the three fucking... Yeah. Yeah. It's called an Edgar. Yeah. I try to convince every single one of them to change their mind. How long have you been cutting hair for, Trini Martinez? I got licensed, 2018. 2018. So it's been a long time. Long time in Houston. A lot of Latinos. By the looks of your tattoos, I'm guessing you have some black clients as well. Am I correct? Oh, yeah.

1:32:10Oh, yeah. And I practice these jokes with them, and whenever they laugh, I'm like, all right, I'm good.

1:32:15Brian Redban:Right. Absolutely. That's how you know. That's how you know it's good, is when they laugh in the barber chair to the man that has scissors next to their head. With an incomplete haircut, you know. Absolutely. You better laugh, man. Absolutely. So, Trini, let me ask you this. Anything dangerous ever happen in your barber shop? I watch a lot of these videos, my entire Twitter feed. Some people ask me, Tony, what is your algorithm? my algorithm is fucking people getting in fights people getting shot and I find I find that a lot of these things happen in a barbershop I actually watched one video the other day where a guy the barber lifted up the black guy's hairline a little too far back and literally have you seen this you see all the barbershop videos right have you seen all the movies barbershop one two three four five six seven are you sipping on this is I've seen the first one at least I haven't seen the other You got to see the sequels.

1:33:06They're the absolute worst. But one crazy thing. Yeah. There's a crackhead that comes in our shop and, you know, tries to earn a little money. And we were doing that for him. You let him sweep up the hair? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We let him do it for a little bit. But then he started, like, taking advantage of the money. Because we was kind of, you know, blessing him a little bit. Right. And he started getting on drugs real hard. He started shadowboxing and rapping for, like, six hours straight out in the parking lot. He was on crystal meth. But he thought it was vape juice. Am I correct? Yeah, probably.

1:33:31I know this guy. He was on the show earlier. Matthew Jordan. This crew loves a good callback over here. They go crazy if you mention something that happened an hour and a half ago. Duncan Trussell. Speaking of callbacks, Tony is putting up people who came in from San Antonio. He has a house in Houston. He lives two and a half hours away. You were taking a shit. That's a long drop. You were taking a shit so you missed it. It doesn't matter. Do the hotel for him. Tony's going to get you a week at the four seats. That is not true. Well done. I'll carry all your luggage to your room, bro.

1:34:09Brian Redban:I like the way you think. I like the way you think. Okay, so Trini, is there a lovely lady out there? How many kids do you have? You're a Martinez. What is it, seven, eight, nine? I mean, we attempted two miscarriages, but, you know, we don't know about that. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Now, come on! Monster! Was there something, perhaps? And I know this is a crazy question. I'm going to take heat for this. I already see the ladies giving me a look like, what's he about to ask? But let me ask you this. Two miscarriages is one more than one. Is there something that she's doing in particular? Is she perhaps, you know, ice skating or anything like that?

1:34:51We have stairs at our apartments now. Ah, okay.

1:34:56Brian Redban:Trini, save that one for the Louisiana barber competition. Two miscarriages, incredible. Are you still trying? Are you trying for a third miscarriage? To be honest, right now...

1:35:15Trace! That's going to be clipped for sure!

1:35:23You're still trying your cream pie-inger? Yeah, we're trying to... Putting a little horchata in that chalupa, am I correct? Trying to horchata.

1:35:31Brian Redban:Yeah, absolutely. When you go to Bucky's, what exactly do you get, Trini Martinez? Because I'm a big Bucky's guy, big time. I get either the chicken sandwich or the breakfast biscuit with the bacon, egg, and cheese. Oh, you order like a white guy. I'm actually disappointed. I thought you were going to get a little wackier than that. Plain chicken sandwich? That's it. The cup of fruit, too. Cup of fruit? He went whiter. He went whiter. I get a little bit of Metamucil and a couple Tylenols, and I'm out the door of town. What the fuck? I'm half white. I'm half white. You're half white? Yeah. Oh, my God.

1:36:06It does not show at all, dude. Are you sure? He lifts up his glasses to show...

1:36:17He lifts up his glasses to show Mexican Asian eyes over here. You don't believe I'm half white, dude? Look at these fucking things, dude. What now, dude? Look how half white I am. Look at these dark Asian eyes. Did somebody tell you you have white eyes? Did somebody lie to you at some point in your life? And tell you you have white eyes? All the time. Oh, my God.

1:36:45Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible, Trini Martinez. You're a fun interviewer. I love that you chose here for your first set, even though I normally don't like it when people do that. The punchlines aren't really there yet, but, man, you have balls, dude. You have balls. I like your... I like the risks that you take, Trini Martinez. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Sign up again. Come back some other time. There he goes. Trini Martinez, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Trini Martinez. You know, I'm about to do something really crazy, everybody. You guys like unbelievably awesome shit? No. You know, sometimes there's a golden ticket winner slash regular that you don't see for a while.

1:37:32Brian Redban:You know, I'm an old pro wrestling fan. One of my favorite pro wrestlers, he exists right here, famously put me through a table, killed Tony Mania in Las Vegas. The Undertaker. The thing with The Undertaker, one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all time, is that he wasn't always a full-time roster guy. You know, he wasn't on Monday Night Raw every week. You'd save him for, like, pay-per-views, and there'd be a big build-up. You wouldn't see him for a while, and he would come out of absolutely nowhere. I like to think this next comedian is our version of that. Sometimes he's gone, comes back. He is an icon, an absolute freak of nature.

1:38:08Brian Redban:You guys are about to go nuts as I bring to the stage for the first time in quite a while. In fact, I think since Kill Tony Mania, this is the long-awaited return of the one and only Timmy Nobrick.

1:38:33Oh, thank you. Wow. Wow. I'm gonna fuck your girl. Okay, relax, bitch. Look, I don't know if you guys all know these episodes are on a delay, okay? Like, this episode's gonna be coming out in a week, so I'm doing topical jokes based on what I assume will happen.

1:39:02God damn. This is crazy. Uh, do you guys see how Obama's dick pic got leaked? Yeah. Michelle Obama's? She has a horse cock! That bitch is a horse! Yeah! September 11th.

1:39:25Yesterday was Rosh Hashanah, Jewish New Year. Where are my Jews at? Get the fuck out!

1:39:35Less of a prediction, more of a feeling. Look, it's been a rough week for Kill Tone. You guys have probably seen the news. um Dedrick is back in jail um I know I know he gave me a statement to read what'd you know about getting arrested in Taiwan because your friend put a gun in your retainer case

1:40:05yeah Dedrick CZ is gonna fucking kill me um a while ago Uncle Lazer got his dick sucked on a podcast by a 16-year-old, a girl that looks 16 with Down syndrome, and apparently she didn't just look like it. I mean, holy fuck. He's a pedophile. He's an uncle. He's in jail. One more. Mon Phillips, also in jail. He held a baby. Oh, shit. Oh, oh, oh.

1:40:45Um, no, we're having fun. I, uh, I gotta get serious for a second. Um, I don't know if you guys probably heard, but we lost someone really important in the Kill Tone family. And, um, I, uh, I just want to pay some respects to them. So play the video.

1:41:18What are you fucking doing? I'm trying to pay my respect. Here it comes. All right, here it comes. Give it up for my special needs son in the fucking sound booth right now. All right, guys. Wow. All right, here we go. Hey, this is Reverend Company of the Hour from the Comedy Club.

1:41:49Red bean is pretty much BIT! What? BIT! Piece of shit! You fucking idiot! Idiot! Fucking idiot? So retarded. Fucking piece of shit. You big piece of shit! Piece of shit! You pervert! Piece of fucking shit! You badass! A dumbass! BIT!

1:42:31Absolutely amazing. Hey, Red Band. How did Red Band die? Natural causes. I mean, look at that. Holy shit.

1:42:49I really wish I didn't put that tear stick in my eye. Redbin, you have to go for this to make sense. You got to get the fuck out of here. That doesn't make sense. This happens next week. They just fucking... Shut up! Shut the fuck up! That took me fucking two months. It would be insane if Red Band accidentally dies this week. I know. And you're like, right? And then this happens? No one would see it because I edit the video. Yeah. Oh, we would never find a new editor without your amazing editing work, Red Band. Oh, my God. Camera one. Camera two. Camera three. Camera one. Camera three. Camera one.

1:43:37How would we ever go along?

1:43:39Brian Redban:You know, I kind of hope he does die this week. Me too. That's going to be in your actual In Memoriam video one day. Timmy, amazing work. You are on fire, my friend. You look fantastic. Let me tell you, Red Band, actually, not only is he not dying, but I've been noticing his beard gets darker every week. I don't know what's going on. It's just for men. You wouldn't know anything about this, Twink. Oh, I got it. I mean, I know a lot. I've been using just for boys. Just for men. It looks so natural, no one can tell. Timmy, what's going on in life? What's it like being one of the top rock stars in all of the universe?

1:44:20Pretty good. You know, just fucking and stuff. Hurd? Yep. How you guys doing? That's exactly what I thought. What are you guys wearing? Hurd's got something cooking over here. I know this is a night of a lot of callbacks. Oh, yeah. But I have to go take a shit. Whoa.

1:44:46Brian Redban:Be sure to check out the Mystery Boys podcast where they alternate taking shits on Spotify and YouTube. Timmy, you're an absolute sensation. I mean, that's... What's the shit callback? Forget about it. I took a shit earlier. Oh, you did? That's funny. They did that. That's really funny. They just took a shit as a callback. That's funny. Thanks. Yeah. No, you're funny. I like it. Yeah, thanks. You're white Mexican? I don't know. What do you mean? Nothing. You're wearing a poncho. It's a poncho. Duncan will be in Dallas on September 18th, Fort Worth, September 19th, and Detroit, October 23rd, 24th, and 25th.

1:45:27Brian Redban:A little fun fact for you. Oh, my God. I'll be there. Yeah.

1:45:33Brian Redban:Timmy, everything else is good in life. You're absolutely dominating. You've been fucking and everything. What else? Yeah, just fuck. Was I supposed to prepare stuff? No, you're good. Oh. This is the part where you would improvise just something that I send you. All right, let's improvise. Can we get a suggestion? I just gave you one. You could talk about anything that you've been doing in life. What's that? You're special, you fucking retard. What are you saying? Yeah, I mean, I had a good Rosh Hashanah, you know. This is a good time to tell you guys I'm Jewish and I'm sorry. I could tell the future now.

1:46:11I got a neural link, so, you know.

1:46:19Flip it. So, yeah, tell the future about people. These guys have cancer. All sorts of shit. Hillary Duff and I are going pretty steady right now. whoa um you know she's uh god that bitch is such a fucking whore and um i love you margot robbie has been stalking me wow that's been crazy yeah hey margot if you're watching this do not come to 2822 east martin luther king jr boulevard austin texas don't do it bitch

1:46:57timmy you are the absolute man we love you a long way to return in an unbelievable set from the great timmy no breaks everybody have a good night thank you thank you in a shocking turn of events a bucket pool has to follow the legendary timmy no breaks so let's see what happens as i bring to the stage jewel toley everybody here comes jewel toy

1:47:29So my mother's a whore. So that means I got a stepbrother. And the day we met, he wanted to play me in a game of one-on-one basketball. And I obliged. I knew I needed to assert my dominance, so I immediately threw the ball off his face and scored. Of course, I won. And I guess you could say whenever you compare me and that fellow, I'm even winning in life. Because about ten years ago, he became paralyzed. so now whenever I see him I get to throw a different set of balls on his face it's a shame he'd have made one hell of a boxer cause y 'all ought to see that sumbitch rope a dope a nut sack

1:48:07my therapist told me it's because I suffer from a certain PTSD called repetitive compulsion says it stems from whenever I was a child taking showers with my dad and he'd repetitively smack me in the face with his tally whacker he ain't the only family member i took showers with i also had to get a few of my grandma she'd at least hop in with her fruit volumes on but when them things got wet it just blur everything out now i'm starting to think that's where my fascination with japanese porn comes from

1:48:40hell yeah jule toley welcome i like your style you from texas born and raised yes sir Absolutely. What part?

1:48:49Brian Redban:Gum Barrel City. Wow. Are you from there? Do you know each other? Seems like a city small enough where you would have to know each other. You'd love it. There ain't no black people out there. Wait. Wait a second. Hold on a second. Let me put my butt plug where it deserves to be. I'm so excited right now. When you say there ain't no black people, is that a double negative? Because if so, I'm taking the toll road. Are there really no black people there? I used to work at a Sprint store out there, and four black guys walked in. And I looked at my boss and I said, I think we're about to get robbed.

1:49:27Is that racist? She goes, yeah, that's racist. So I took my lunch break and about five minutes later, sure enough, it got robbed.

1:49:40Is that a true story? That's definitely a true story. of all the things that we've heard in the interviews tonight i would guarantee that that's truer than almost anything uh wow duncan trussell you know i love your voice and what's incredible is you sound exactly like someone from gun barrel city like it's it's amazing like you

1:50:07Brian Redban:should do voiceover work you should well you know what's amazing that duncan's doing tonight is he's casting the next season of Midnight Gospel here tonight on Tonight Show. I'm giving away Four Seasons Hotel Rooms and Duncan is actually giving one lucky person a voiceover job. And this is such a special moment it's bigger than anything that we could possibly award somebody. It's a guest spot on Midnight Gospel. You misunderstood me. I said I needed a narrator for the incest porn I'm shooting. And you are hired, friend. You are hired. Jewel, do you still live in Gun Barrel? No, sir. Where do you live now?

1:50:44Austin? Yes, sir. How long have you lived here? About five months. By the way, you don't have to call me sir. Just call me Mr. Tony.

1:50:51Brian Redban:Okay, so it's been five months, and this is a big city to you. I'm sure of that. Am I correct? Yes, sir. So what have you learned about living in Austin that you don't like or that you love or that you don't like? I'll let you pick. There's got to be some stuff that annoys you. Just don't say the blacks. Go ahead. All the liberal women complaining about not getting abortions in Texas. Ooh, yeah. I love it. Where are you finding these women at? Anywhere. H-E-B.

1:51:31Amazing. Amazing. I wish they just knew they could hang out with Lindsey Glancy. She loves killing kids. That's right. That is right. Kurt Metzger. You ever try a little bit of dollar store gooning? What do you mean by that, Kurt? I don't want to say. Go ahead, Kurt. You brought it up. Red man knows. But why don't you describe what you mean? A gentleman, a supreme gentleman, such as this gentleman, will go to the dollar store and follow a lady around and goon. What are you going to do? It's the dollar store. And they're easier women. There's no dollar store at Gun Barrel City. You know that, right?

1:52:11Is that a real city? That's where he's from. They got a Dollar General marketplace. There you go. Get to gooning.

1:52:20Brian Redban:Can you tell the audience, there might be a few Syrian immigrants out in the crowd that might not know what gooning is. Oh, that's when you do a hand flogging of your... Can you describe what flogging is for the immigrants in the crowd, perhaps? No, I cannot. All right. Jewel, what do you do for work? Deliveries. Just anything that needs to be delivered. I love it. Can you build things? You seem like the kind of guy that could build cabinets or something like that. I can do a little bit of everything, but not good at anything. Right. Okay. That makes sense. I love the honesty. I love it. Everybody else comes up here.

1:52:58Brian Redban:They try to seem like they're good at everything, barbers with bad hands and whatnot. Not you. Not you. a master of none. What kind of pickup truck do you have? You have a 150 or a 250? F-150 or F-250? 150. 150. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. You know, a lot of people think I'm just a fucking, you know, Ohio, California boy that bought a belt buckle, but I consider myself as Texas as it gets, and I can look at a man from Gun Barrel City and tell that you're a 150 guy. Now, you were built for a 250, but we're not quite there yet, you know what I mean? Trying to get on up to a 350. Whoa. Whoa.

1:53:38You used to be able to get a good 350 around here, and then Ozempic came around and bumped them all down to 150s. Now they're all 150s with extra skin hanging off their ass. Yep. It's de-caking up the white girls. Yep. All the 350s are 150s now. It's absolutely incredible. They've Ozempic'd the pickup trucks.

1:53:58Brian Redban:Jewel, let's get back to race here. What is your least favorite race of them all?

1:54:05Guatemalans. Ooh, good pick. Now, what is it about the wacky Guatemalans that you dislike the most? That is specific.

1:54:14Brian Redban:This is the part of the show in which... They swim too well. Oh. Jesus. Oh, shit. Chud the Gooner on stage. Amazing. Jewel, what's another fun fact about Jewel Tolley before I get you out of here? Is there something you do? Because you seem like a real country boy. What do you think is the most crazy country, middle of nowhere thing about you? Is there something you do? You ever jerk off with a stick of butter in your hand or something like that?

1:54:43No, but in the Army, they teach you to jack off to stay awake. Really? What? I didn't serve. I didn't know this. That seems like the opposite, by the way. No, no, no. This is interesting. Thank you for your service. Hold on. Yes. First of all. Jules, tell us more about this. Guys, let him talk for a second. Hold on. Let me see what he's talking about. It gets the blood flowing so it'll keep you awake. Okay. I tell mother. That's the wrong head. It turns out Red Band is a SEAL Team 6 member. I didn't know this. It's absolutely incredible. I had no idea. I had no idea. Red Band is getting the...

1:55:20Red Band's going to die with two purple hearts. The one in his chest and the one that he's awarded for his masturbating service. Damn, I hope I die this week. It would be epic. It really would be. I can get you a Purple Heart, by the way. I know a couple people. Okay. Duncan Trussell. Can you act out the moment in the military when your sergeant told you to jerk off to stay awake? Give it a shot. Keep it going. Keep it going.

1:56:00Brian Redban:What the fuck was he talking about? That's a pretty good act out. That's very good, Jewel. Okay, so... You're gonna get tired out there! Did you ever serve overseas? No, sir. Where did you serve? What did you do? You just at a base? I was just in the reserves, so... Okay. Weekend Warrior. They never called you up for anything? They didn't want me. They... Whenever I tried to go, they told me that I didn't even end up in the unit because I never showed up to work. Wow. Well, you just learned the jerk-off thing? Nothing else? Kurt Metzger. I have a question. Just in the reserves, why would you need to stay up like that to the point of gooning?

1:56:37Alright. Appears as though someone learned about gooning while taking their shit in the bathroom, everybody. You know it. You know it. Are you sure you're not talking about the Boy Scouts? I would never touch, so probably not. I'm sorry, man. Alright. Jewel.

1:56:55Brian Redban:Seems as though he's having flashbacks to a war he wasn't even in right now. Jewel, how long have you been on stand-up? About three years. Three years. And most of it in Gun Barrel? Well, close. There's Tyler, which is about an hour away. Wow. Goddamn. Incredible. And now you live here. You know what, Jewel? I just like you. I'm only giving you a big joke book because I like you. Let the record show. That's it. It's that easy. I just have to like you. I like an F-150 kind of guy, you know what I mean? That's just how I identify as an F-150 guy. I have a two-seat... Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pool of the night.

1:57:41Brian Redban:It's an interesting name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Q Rose, everybody. It's our final bucket pool.

1:57:52How we doing, skill, Tony? How we doing, people? all right all right all right i've been dealing with uh trying to date lately you know what i'm saying but i'm trying to get my money up these girls don't want you to have a little bit of money they want you to make a solid amount of money i had a girl call me a broke nigga we had the same job i'm like bitch you can't take me out either what the fuck ah man these women are different nowadays you know i'm saying these new women are different and they throwing me off, man. I'm confused, man. You know what I'm saying? It used to be either one to date a man or a woman.

1:58:29Now they want everybody. You know what I'm saying? I tried to talk to this one girl. She told me she was a pansexual. I'm like, whatever, bitch, I'll fuck you on the stove.

1:58:42I got pots, pans, forks, spoons. Bitch, this dick is nonstick. All right.

1:58:54Thank you. Q Rose. Welcome, Q Rose. Is this your first time on the show? No, I was on a show like two years ago. Okay. But I didn't know what the show was. It was my first. I was here by South by Southwest. Okay. And some of my comedian friends was like, sign up just everywhere. And I got called and I didn't even know what the show really was about. But what did you do? What did I do? I mean, I came in here. I did my minute and then I tried to leave. I was like. Right. Because I was like, I didn't know. You didn't know what was happening. Absolutely. Yeah. But since then, what? You just fell in love with it?

1:59:30What happened? Well, since then, I didn't know the show got millions of views and things like that. And it was so big is what it was. And I just started getting into it. And I've been coming every week since for like two years now. Wow. So you just got pulled tonight for the first time in two years.

1:59:45Brian Redban:Yeah. Amazing. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. Your hair was much shorter last time you were on, I do believe. So, Q Rose, let's catch up. Oh, you like that? Your hair was shorter? You like that red band. You like that one because his hair is long. It must have been shorter. Q Rose, what do you do for work? What exactly does your broke ass do for work? I mean, shit, compared to you, all these niggas is broke. But how do you make money? You going to a Sprint store in Gun Barrel, Texas, doing a little.

2:00:23I'm not familiar with the joke, but they laughing. So fuck you. You're right. That is correct. I imply that you rob places. Just to let you know, I'm not one to stray away. Shut up, snitch. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. A lot of people don't know this.

2:00:41Brian Redban:Me and Q Rose go back a long way. We used to rob places together. Okay, now, what do you do for a living, Q? I'm a veteran, and I'm an Air Force veteran, and also...

2:00:58All right. Thank you for your taxes, my niggas. I appreciate y 'all. I love it. What did you do in the Air Force exactly? Air Force, I was like, the pilots were like Batman. I was like Alfred. I just kind of helped them with their shit. Packing parachute, night vision goggles. What you need, nigga? I mean. Wow. Gotcha. I love it. Packing the bags. Yeah, whatever they need, man. Or pilots personally. Did they ever tell you to jerk off when you were getting sleepy? I don't know what they did in the Army, bro. I have... Because me personally, when I jack off, I go straight to sleep. I don't know what that nigga was talking about.

2:01:41That's what Red Band does. That's what Red Band does. Can I just... First of all, thank you for your service, sir. And can I just say... I'm just going to say, I don't think that guy was really in the Army. He was in the reserves and they never called him up. Oh, okay. So you are correct. But he knows how to stay up. We established that. Yeah. All he learned how to do is jerk off in the military. Listen, I'm going to tell you this straight up. If you got any T-shirt to say, bitch, this dick is nonstick, I will buy them. That's all I can say.

2:02:12Brian Redban:Merch coming soon. Q-Rose comedy. Follow me. That is a good point. So Q-Rose, you've been doing comedy other places, right? Absolutely. Wait, I never got an answer. What are you doing for work now? I have a, like, I do, like, a pure space, basically, like, an event center, and I have an Airbnb. But you sell candy bars? I mean, I don't understand. What are you doing? Oh, you rent out your Airbnb. I rent it out. Yeah, I rent it out, and I have, like, a basketball court, and they come, and they play basketball type of shit. Wait, you rent it out, and they play basketball? I have a basketball court inside, outdoor.

2:02:53Wow. You know, use that benefits to set me up for life. Is it one hoop or is there two hoops? There's two hoops. Holy shit. Kurt Metzger. That's like the Olympic pool of black people. Yeah. Yeah, it really is.

2:03:06Brian Redban:Yeah, yeah. I get a lot of black people there. Yeah. More like a scare B &B, am I right?

2:03:17So where is this Airbnb located? It's in Dallas. It's in Dallas. I'm from Dallas. I started comedy in Philadelphia. near Mockingbird Lane Mockingbird Lane Mockingbird Lane no I'm Martin Luther King Drive what is it near where is it near can you give me a can you give me a it's not near the gayborhood you're fine whoa

2:03:42six in Lombard

2:03:46okay Q Rose how about your love life how's that going right now I was talking earlier about how all the thick white bitches have lost the weight from the ozempic ruining it for a lot of people that are into plumper ladies um i mean shit i mean i like i like all type of bitches man okay what is your number one ranked bitch right now shit this was like college football and you had to give a real number one we're gonna go one through five oh shit man put me on his mother you say what no one knows literally nobody knows he doesn't even know my number one what what the fuck is on you guys head bro what the fuck you guys were now stick with me here stick with me number one favorite bitch now let me let me just give you a little uh little inside scoop here you are in front of a lot of white bitches right now i mean i mean shit i used to fuck white women in the air

2:04:42Brian Redban:for something that's all we had okay okay what's fuck you bitch stick with us stick with us who said that i'm gonna stick with you i was about to fire okay it's all right so key rose let me ask you this because it seems like you would fuck just about any type of lady uh yeah as long as uh as long as she was um damn i don't want to be controversial no go ahead please be controversial we love that we love controversy here i would prefer her been born a lady is that all right Oh, that's not controversial at all. That is kind of phobic, though. You see, you see, you're about to get me canceled. Fuck this guy.

2:05:21All right. Have you ever been with a lady that was born a man? No. Would you like to be? All right. Tony. No, dog. Shit. Heroes. Fuck no. Why would you ask me that? You don't. What's the biggest lady you've ever been with?

2:05:39Brian Redban:if you had to guess the weight of the biggest lady you've ever been with? I used to talk to this one girl that was, a black girl that was 260. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, 260. Let me ask you this. Had the jaws of a boa constrictor. Wow. Let me ask you this. Would she buy you things and cook for you and stuff? I've noticed that the heavier ladies like to buy things for the men. From my own research. But I'm a gay guy, so what do I know about that? I mean, she used to cook. She used to cook real well. I mean, I don't think I played my cards. I didn't get a fat bitch with money, so I didn't play my cards right.

2:06:23Right. But she used to cook, you know what I'm saying? I eventually got her to lose weight, so she... How did you get her to lose the weight? Did you have her playing basketball on your basketball court? Actually, yes. Really? Wow. that is amazing yeah we get out there she burns some calories you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying we used to shoot some hoops and then I used to fuck the shit out of her wow thank you for your service that is incredible

2:06:57Brian Redban:well Key Rose thank you so much such a fun set man I am not writing down shout out to Dallas D.F. Yeah, Triple D. Give me something, brother. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Triple D. Shout out Dallas. I'm big ups on Roast Battle, so shout out Roast Battle League. Is there anything else? Perhaps some cousins or something you'd like to have? Shout out Ray Ray, Lil Pookie. Oh, shit. Lil Pookie! Lil Pookie! Lil Pookie, what's up, man? Pookie would not like you, nigga.

2:07:41Q-Rose, this is for you, my friend. It matches you. There he goes. Q-Rose, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. Thank you, Q-Rose. Very fun. Look how it starts.

2:07:52Brian Redban:A friend dares him to sign up for a show he had no idea. He gets addicted. He got a taste of that sweet, sweet crystal vape juice, if you will. and now he's been signing up every week since. Didn't even know there was an interview part of the show the first time he signed up. It's amazing what happens here. The fuck did he mean Pookie wouldn't like me? Well, I don't think Pookie's quite the conspiracy theorist. You get one shot with Pookie. If you blow it, that's it, dude. Garfield. That's right. Okay, guys, it is that time, ladies and gentlemen. There's only one way to end a show like this. I call him the anomaly, the real deal.

2:08:31Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. this is Pat O 'Neill, everybody.

2:08:41Folks! Last week, my doctor told me how sometimes erectile dysfunction can be the result of depression. I was like, no, dude, I'm sad because my dick doesn't work. Not the other way around. Stop talking about feelings like a chick and fix my fucking penis, please.

2:09:04Yes! Yes! Pete's sake. Yes! Suicide, it's a big issue in today's homeless communities. Not big enough, but we will get there one day!

2:09:23Ah... Homeless people, they're always screaming. By the time I'm done with them.

2:09:35anytime i see one of them with a dog i think hey well can't be that hungry so glass half full

2:09:51god damn I have heard on this show probably 10, 20 homeless dog jokes, and no one cracked that code somehow. That is absolutely amazing, Pat O 'Neill.

2:10:06Brian Redban:You have truly done it again. Even when a premise is covered, no one finds the fucking finish line quite like you. You are absolutely hysterical. Thank you, sir. Guys, is this your first time seeing The Real Deal, Pat O 'Neill? Yeah, you're amazing. That was great. Thank you, Duncan. Fucking great. And he looks like the bad guy from Ghostbusters 2 kind of, so that's cool. That is true. I don't like that about him. That is true, Vigo. Vigo. Vigo. I love you, Vigo. I'm seeing Jeff Goldblum, third act of the fly. Ah, that one, too. That is, I can see that, too. At least these guys have new takes.

2:10:46Everyone else just says he looks like Rick and Morty. This is amazing. Like both of them? Yeah. It works every time, too. It's amazing. That last joke was great, dude. That's such an offensive joke that I had to laugh at, so I really appreciate that.

2:11:01Brian Redban:Thank you, Kurt. You are so funny. Thank you, Doug. It is crazy, and we just love having you here, and you found this format, and it just works so well for you. You're just a fucking machine. We love you so much. Thank you, Tony. I want to come on this chest. Look at that fucking shirt. That's hot. Wow. That is the Heidi shirt. Makes me feel better about doing it to myself. You know?

2:11:30It is an amazing shirt. Available at killmerch.com.

2:11:35Brian Redban:Pat will be with us in Dallas, Houston, Las Vegas and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. We're going to have a lot of fun. How about one more time for the anomaly? The real deal? Pat O 'Neill everybody. How much fun did we have tonight, huh? Guys, check out the Mystery Boys. How about one more time for my amazing guests, Duncan Trussell and Kurt Metzger. Free Andrew Tate. Free Andrew Tate! Be sure to catch Duncan in Dallas, September 18th, Fort Worth, September 19th, and Detroit, October 23rd, 24th, and 25th. Watch the Mystery Boys on YouTube or listen on Spotify if you're at work and can't make it to YouTube or whatever.

2:12:18Brian Redban:Any order will be in Dallas September 26th, Houston October 17th, Las Vegas November 13th and 14th, and a New Year's Eve here in beautiful Austin, Texas for the fourth year in a row doing an arena in our hometown. It's absolutely unheard of. It's so much fun. Red Band? Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com secret show every Thursday. I love you guys. We love you guys. God bless this audience. So much fun tonight, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Bye-bye.

2:13:34Wasted. Let's go.

2:13:48Thank you.