#786 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + SAM TALLENT

23:42You don't need to do it that hard. I think it's more funny. I mean... People were, like, genuinely concerned. I mean, it was a very hard hit. It wasn't, like, even a slap. It was, like, a true thud. Do you feel okay? Are you okay after that? Yeah, no, slight concussion, but I'm fine. Your ears are bleeding. Yeah, well... I was the only one that didn't give a fuck. I was like, do it again, do it again. And after that said, your wife's still not going to know you was here. Chad, what the hell? Here's my next question. What the hell is a Sam's? Oh, my God. You don't know what a Sam's Club is? Oh, Sam's Club.

24:19You just said Sam's. Sam's Club.

24:22Brian Redban:Sam's Club. I mean, who says the whole word? We don't believe in Sam's Club here. This is H-E-B country, ladies and gentlemen. You got to learn the way you come out pandering. Oh, the Texas Longhorns. Big win. Anyway, it was at Sam's this week, and I was trying to buy some fucking honey and these liberals are giving me organic honey. By the way, have you seen the honey supply they have at HEB? They have round rock honey. Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Have you ever seen someone pander and it didn't work? That was kind of brutal. But he's figuring it out. You're figuring it out here. So tell us, what have you been doing your whole life up until this point?

25:03Brian Redban:You're a poker player? What are you, an engineer, mathematician type? No, I I own a construction remodeling company, Granite & More, in Frisco, Texas. Frisco, Texas. Yeah. I live in Richardson, Texas, but, yeah, that's where my company is. What's the name of the company? Granite & More. Granite & More. Let's look up some Yelp reviews for Granite & More. This is a little segment on this show we call Bad Yelp Reviews, everybody. We'll see if you got it. You better hope you got all five stars. you're very lucky because Red Band has no idea how to spell granite it's I-T-E with an E after the T and we do amazing work I don't know what this says but we do awesome work so everything on there is probably before I ever bought the company by the way Red Band spells more with two O's everybody I thought it was like a lawyer like Granite and more.

26:03Very good, Red Band. Yeah. What a retard. It's unbelievable. Every week you shock me. This is incredible. He thought it was a paint company for Granite.

26:13Brian Redban:Okay, remind us. Where is this company? Richardson, Texas? Frisco, Texas. Frisco, Texas. I can't believe you can't find it. It should be like... Oh, we're gonna find it, buddy. Don't you worry. Again, he literally has no idea how to spell anything. He had to pull up his VPN. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, look at him. Look at him. Look at him eking his way over. I turn around his head between me and Donnell. Like, oh, shit. Here we go. Find the reviews there, Red Band. Tap me when you're ready. I can see that one. It says that. Okay, here we go. Are you guys ready? This is one of our favorite segments. This is Bad Yelp Reviews, only on Kill Tony.

26:54Now, you are the business owner, correct? Yes. Here we go, buddy. Patty Y says one star I am astounded by the utter lack of professionalism and organization at this so called business my husband and I moved to Texas a few weeks ago I am seven months pregnant and we are trying to start our family Todd the owner of Granite she got your name wrong that's a previous owner that's what I'm saying oh yeah yeah how long ago did you sell the company or get the company. I bought the company in 2020. 2020. Yeah. I got news for you. This review is from five years ago. So here we go. All right.

27:39Brian Redban:Well, he seemed very nice. He told me that my husband has been the best project manager. That's before my time. I'm telling you. Okay. That's a review. You'll know they're his when they say the owner really hates organic honey. Oh, it does say over five years ago. You know what? You're right. Oh, the guy before you. Oh, five stars. that's you. You know what? It all turned around when you got it. He wrote his own goddamn review. His name is on it. I just wasted three goddamn minutes trying to find a bad review. Look how excited he is. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for you. He's never done stand-up or celebrated publicly before.

28:19What the hell was that, man? It's incredible. You might be one of the whitest humans ever on this show. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese. Whoa, take it easy, take it easy, Chad. Don't? Take it easy. There are too many Asians on this episode if that's the case.

28:35Brian Redban:So, Chad, tell us about your life. Other than poker, do you have any special skills or talents or anything? You seem like the kind of guy that cuts things out of magazines and makes a different person out of the different eyebrows and eyes and things. You don't look like that to me. Here's a doll. It's like the guy behind his laptop, like, ah. I mean, you were famously on the cover of every episode of Mad Magazine for years. Now here you are. From being on the comics to being a comic, here he is. I am one of those guys that for their whole life, everyone's like, Chad, God both broke the mold with you.

29:13What? Somehow Kansai Yasuda was easier to understand than you. Broke the mold? Yeah. Oh, broke the mold. Broke the mold. Got it. Yeah, I need some water. okay have some water there's some jokes inside that can too it's like oh no he's allergic okay so that's white trust right there yeah absolutely i'm pretty sure chad's only people would have never done that shit why'd you like yeah i could tell from looking at him chad's only been with one woman his whole life without a doubt he's not having reckless sex That's Juanita. Where are you? So you said broke the mold. Yeah, so I'm like a really unique guy.

29:59We knew that, motherfucker. People always tell me that they should have a TV show walk me around, you know, follow me around. But why? Tell us the details. Now's your time to say it. You're on this show right now. Just chill out. Let me talk. Here's the real deal. Chill out. Let me talk. Donnell's on this episode. I'm not on control. It goes off the fucking rails. Hey, I'll talk over. You've got to get to the point. You don't have real friends. Come on, tell us some fun facts about you. Okay. I'm like a kind of crazy person. I love fun people. I need details. I'm trying to think of some details.

30:35Like, I mean, what is... You ever like kill the hooker? Okay. What's crazy about you, Chad? It's hard to give an example. Let me give you an example. Okay, so I'm sitting at the poker table playing poker with these guys. Okay. And one of the dealers knows me and knows I'm kind of weird or whatever. Yes, sir. Broke the mold. Keep going, Chad, for the love of fucking goddess. So she goes, Chad, I don't know why, but you remind me of Schmeagel. Schmeagel. Schmeagel. Right. Schmeagel. From Lord of the Rings. That makes sense. No, no, no, no. No, you have the ears of Schmeagel. She is correct. Not the character.

31:18Not the character. The what? The historical figure? No, like dick cheese. Smegma! Smegma. Smegma? Yeah. Smegma. Sam, can you translate this for me, please? Smegma, sorry, I forgot the name. Smegma, and correct me, you're the expert, but... No, I never heard the word before. Smegma is the gooey... It's like the body stink cheese that collects in foreskin. Ah, got it, got it. I guess I should have gotten a red band for the disgusting... I'm a yeasty boy. Our chief disgusting correspondent. I had never heard the word. I'm like, what the hell is magma? Like, I'd never heard of it. Of course. And then, so, I'm like trying to figure out what the hell it is.

32:02And then no one will tell me at the table. They all, like, won't tell me. Because you don't have friends.

32:08Brian Redban:No, because it was, you know, it was funny to, like... Chad, you're 46 years old. Guys, let me just take this. Guys, I just need the floor for 20 seconds. Sure. I'm going to tell you something. You're 46 years old. I just asked you the craziest thing about you, your entire life, your history to draw from, and you told me that a fucking poker dealer two days ago told you that you remind them of Smeagba or whatever the fuck. This is crazy right now. This is nuts. I set you up with the biggest, easiest softball. I'm trying to get to a longer story. Well, don't. Don't get to a longer story. Keep it short.

32:46Don L. The funny thing is he's a real poker player because everybody's looking at you with a poker face like, what the fuck are you talking about?

32:54Brian Redban:Give us one fun fact about your life. Are you good at something? Yeah, I'm really good at a lot of things. That's not an answer. You have to name a thing. I know. You're clearly not that good at fucking poker. You drove seven hours from fucking nowhere land. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Don't talk about Frisco like that. We have a Sam's Club. You son of a bitch. And this weekend, Cleveland has a Sam's Club. Hilarity. I played saxophone. I was a finance major, saxophone major. Graduated from Rice at the top of my class. You graduated from Rice? Go play it. Wow. Play the sax. Look at that. And here. I drank the water.

33:46Are you going to let him play? Oh, shit. That was close. That would have been great. You guys like spitting the thing, right? The spit has something to do with this. I have a finance background. I worked in finance for a long time. What haven't you done? All right, guys. I got it. Thank you. But I'm very creative. I do a lot of writing. Okay, all right. That's it. There you go. Here's a medium joke book. There you go. Next time, think of these things before you come out. There goes Chad Ross, everybody. I can tell he's coming back. I know a comeback story when I see one.

34:26Donnell just asked, where's Heidi? And there she is, the loveliest of them all. Getting us all fucking hydrated on a hot Texas day. The lovely Heidi. This is walk-off juice for me, Tony.

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35:59Brian Redban:Tecovas.com slash killtony. See site for details. Tecovas, point your toes west. Listen, people, they're great boots. Sign up for their emails. Get 10 % off. It's a no-brainer. Come visit Austin, Texas. You'll be part of the family. Get your cool boots. We'll see you here. Bye-bye. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted, the opportunity of a lifetime for Luella Chavez, everybody. Luella Chavez.

36:29So I need to update the contacts in my phone because Meta keeps suggesting I add people that have fired me. I'm a serial employee. This time last year, I got fired from my housekeeping job. And like any good serial employee, I hit the ground running, started applying to tons of places. And on the In-N-Out application, it asked how many employers I've had in the last three years. I would have rather have given them my body count. so um i love netflix documentaries don't we all uh i really really i usually watch true crime but i really love the arnold schwarzenegger one you know yeah yeah uh and i didn't realize how compatible we were you know he loves cigars i love cigars he loves working out i love working out boy did i get into housekeeping at the wrong time and place and then sometimes I'll see his adorable Guatemalan son on Instagram and I'm like oh mijo thank you that's my time Luella Chavez welcome to the show it's your first time here correct how long you been on stand up off and on more off than on six years I have to check in with Donnell Rowling just gotta raise my hand did you hear her accent I have an accent no she said Arnold Schwarzenegger she said it wasn't nager it was she stuck to er son i i have to say it did help me like memorize how

38:03Brian Redban:to spell his name because the end it's n-e-g-g-e-r what ethnicity are you exactly luella i'm mexican 100 mexican yeah wow okay um okay i'm surprised you're having trouble getting a job then have you tried zip recruiter use the promo code kill tony you can get a job very easily i'll try that next time you said that you've had a lot of employers correct what are we talking about what is the number i i don't uh why is it over 30 why is it hard well what's your body count okay uh what um what type of job are you looking for something that i am good at like what i have no idea here we are i am currently working what are you doing i'm a cocktail server inside the coliseum at caesar's palace okay so i work during the concerts that's in vegas yeah correct wow we're gonna be in vegas we're actually doing a two-night residency at the MGM Grand.

39:06Brian Redban:Absolutely incredible. By the way, Donnell will be at the MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend. Look at us. Absolutely incredible. So, Luella Chavez, you live in Vegas? Yes. What brought you to Austin, Texas this week? To try comedy. How long have you been doing comedy? Off and on, six years. Six years. And so, okay. More off than on. We can tell. Thanks! So Luella, what made you pick that minute? Six years of trying this. Is that your best material, you think? Oh, Jesus Christ. I'll take that as a no. I don't know. I don't know. Huh. Okay. I can see why you're unemployable. So Luella, are you born and raised in Vegas?

39:56Brian Redban:No. How did you end up there? Well, I moved there in 99. I'm from San Jose, California. What made you move there in 99? Because I was couch surfing in San Jose, California, and I moved out with family. Why were you couch surfing in San Jose, where you were born and raised?

40:17I feel like porno is involved with this story.

40:20Brian Redban:So is this your first time? Okay, Luella, let's talk about it, because maybe we could find you a job here today. Maybe it's humanly possible. Are you good at granite?

40:35Can you spell the word more? No, seriously, that's been an issue up here.

40:41Brian Redban:More? Yeah, yeah. Do you have any special skills or talents at all? Is there something you're good at? There must be something. Come on. You could like darts? Oh, no. Yo-yo? I don't like those kinds of things. Like, I don't like, like, cornhole and pickleball and shit like that. Okay, what do you like? Oh, I like dancing and singing. I'm not very good at either. I have a couple parodies on YouTube, actually. Sounds terrible. It is. It sounds horrendous. I can't even imagine. But, like, what are you good at? You just said singing and dancing, but I'm not good at those. That's what you said. Oh, yeah.

41:15Brian Redban:I'm trying to find out what you might be good at. There must be something that you're good at. Huh. Do you know how to code?

41:25Brian Redban:Definitely not. Anything? Nothing at all. This is a tough one. She's primed to get sex traffic. I can feel it in her future. I think that's how... She about to get flued out. I can feel it. Flued out? She about to get flued out. She about to be trafficked like a Diddy story, I'm telling you. She's about to get... Bad boy. Oh, my God. That's how she got to Vegas from San Jose. I'm trying to put this together here. So what do you do for fun in Las Vegas? That's an easy question. You don't even have to be good at anything. What do you do for fun? That's much easier. Yes, yes, yes. I love dancing and singing and a smoking Oh god, alright, here you go Smoking cigars There you go, here's, wait, I found a smaller one Here's a little joke book There you go, Luella Chavez, everybody On to the next one we go My goodness gracious, absolutely incredible I like singing and dancing I got my eyebrows at Costco I like dancing and singing And I like singing and dancing I like dancing, I'm not good at it I'm singing, I'm not good at it she could have said that if she would have said that that would have been hilarious if I'm like are you good at anything she's like brushing my teeth that would have crushed I think that's all the English she knew on to the next one we go you see the bucket can be rough ladies and gentlemen 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Holloway everybody

43:01you ever notice that peanut allergies and abortions became popular around the same time? I think that peanut allergies are circumstantial evidence that God is cool with abortions. Because somebody dying from a peanut allergy is a lot like God saying, hey, you know those abortions you like so much? Missed one.

43:36There's a certain segment of the LGBTQ CIA community that wants to accept pedophiles, and they don't want people calling them pedophiles anymore. They want to rebrand them as maps, minor attracted persons. If you ask me, it's going to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase Google Maps. all right google's gonna have to rebrand as google no chomo all right all right mike holloway welcome back been a while yeah how long has it been

44:16Brian Redban:about a year okay um you've been signing up continuously how come you haven't been on because i haven't got pulled there you go so yes got it what do you do for work what i do for work i work at nadc burger oh nice heck yeah um and how long have you been doing stand-up comedy uh about eight years seven eight years i started right before covid and then covid hit and so i had to like take a year off and then got it anything crazy happen in your life since the last time you've been on it's been a year uh anything interesting not since the last time i've been on but we didn't talk about it the last time okay go ahead i uh i did get arrested oh was it for wearing that shirt at a middle school oh my god when he walked out that shirt looked like yeah okay it's all penis star wars guys what did you get arrested for mike uh Assault with a deadly weapon.

45:26Whoa. It's not as bad as it sounds. Tell us about it. Okay, so I was... I had been here about two weeks in Austin, and I was door dashing and staying on a friend's couch, and I had, like, no money. I had$3 to my name. You spent the last three on that shirt, right? Yeah. This was a gift. I believe it. From who? Your worst enemy? From the Grinch? No, from my brother. Oh. Of Down syndrome?

46:07I got you the greatest shirt I've ever seen. This is my favorite. I bought me one, too. I got matching shirts. You're my favorite brother. You're my only brother, too. Okay. Go ahead.

46:26Brian Redban:You had$3 to your name. You were telling a story. You're on a live show. Go ahead. So I was door dashing, and I got my first dash for the day. I pulled up to... It was a restaurant next to a Texaco. I park in the Texaco, and... Here we go. here comes the story everybody and some so I walk up to the door of the restaurant and somebody says hey somebody's putting a boot on your car this is like literally I know what I do when I find out someone's putting a boot on my car I go get my deadly weapon what did you do this was like 10 seconds after I parked uh-huh so I go I go back and the dude looks like he's a homeless guy right he's all dressed like you okay so i'm like hey come on man i'm door dashing i just pulled up let me move the car i'll i'll move the car and he's like no hundred dollars wow you don't have that yeah what accent was that was that russian uh middle eastern accent okay all right Maybe it was Choda.

47:48Okay, Sam. Not everybody can see the exact neon green details of that shit shirt you're pointing out. It was a Yoda reference, though. That is correct. Yoda, but a penis. All right. Keep going with the story, Mike. I'm trying to punch up the story. I know. I know. It's very hard. Yeah. He makes it impossible. The only thing harder is Chewbacca.

48:12so um a wookie over here continue with your story so i immediately start thinking that this is a scam right right because it's also not even a real boot it's like a timu cheap version of a boot right uh and so but i was unbelievable unbelievable good job red band we are looking for the deadly weapon part of the story, Mike. I'll tell you, that's the bread and butter. That's the exciting part. At least we know he's near Texaco. I'm getting there. R2? D2? Alright, another shirt. We're just roasting your shirt now. The story's a little fat.

48:52Brian Redban:It's a little bubba fat. Go ahead. So, I tried to appeal to his human decency again. I was like, come on, man. I don't have$100. The only way I could even get you$100 is with this car. and he was still like no hundred dollars so i panicked okay okay red band very good that's a call back to something that barely worked before go ahead and i pulled a knife out of my car that i started putting in there after i got carjacked at gunpoint all you bullshit now and all that didn't happen to you yeah why would anybody use a gun to carjack you they could just pull you right out take it okay go ahead so you got the fucking knife you got the fucking knife and then yeah so I'm pointing the knife at the boot and going take the fucking boot off oh you mean the boot that the guy is next to that's on my car no he's like 10 feet away at this point so why would you have a knife at a boot why would you point I was pointing at the boot saying take the fucking goodness you're like get this boot off my car that's that's that's assault with a deadly weapon no that check clearly Take it off or I'll kill the boot.

50:01Yeah. He's like a white soldier boy right now, and I don't believe none of this shit. I got the reference. Thank you, sir. My nigga.

50:11You did it wrong, motherfucker. Dap, motherfucker. You changed up. You can't be like, all right, good job. You practice this backstage. You're like, I want to dap the motherfucker. I know, my wrist hurts. Let's do it right. White version. Real version. Let's do it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're pointing the knife at the boot. You can't pass the dap! Sorry, man. It's not for everybody! Sorry. He didn't pass the dap. I didn't. I gave him the finger, sir. Don't worry.

50:41Brian Redban:I'm going to try, even though... The daps are us. I can feel people turning off this episode in real time. I'm just curious. You have the knife to the boot, and then what happens? Can you get to the bread and butter of this story? I quickly realized that he's not taking the boot off, and I'm not willing to use the knife on him. So... Oh, my God. I put the knife away. Your sword is as bitchy as that fucking shirt you got on, man. The fuck do you have a knife for if you're not going to stab a motherfucker? What do you think would happen when you pulled out the knife? You thought he would be scared and take the boot off?

51:19Brian Redban:Yeah. That's assault with a deadly weapon. Obviously. Okay, well, there you go. Obvious, though? You're the one brandishing a knife in a boot. In hindsight, yes. Tony. Yes. It's obvious. He pulled the knife out and pointed it at a fucking tire. Yeah. Who the fuck does that? I mean, I honestly, I thought you were a Goodyear tire since you came out here. I started to pull mine out at one point. I got a little excited. All right, that's a dab. That's a dab. Come on. I'm going to pass it off to Red Band here. There you go. You're going to want to wash your fist. Okay. Mike, here's a little joke book, my friend.

51:56It happens. It happens. It happened to you tonight. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't happen. Keep signing up. I don't get how you can't tell a fucking story sometimes. It's crazy. It's crazy. It hurts me. It's not that he was a white dude trying to tell a gangster story. That's different. Then we pulled him and his motherfuckers and then we took him to court. We sued the shit out of them bitches. We punked those marks.

52:22Brian Redban:Yeah, motherfucker. Esquire, bitch. I mean, I'm looking back at that story. And he says that I'm pulling into this. It's next to a Texaco. Like there's so much unnecessary information. You remember when he said Texaco? Of course. That's all I remember. That never came back to anything. There was no reason. He told us everything except for the actual. You should tell him like, hey, pretend you're on the biggest podcast in the world. And you're trying to entertain millions. It's crazy. Chad Ross up here. I'm like, tell us something about it. There's a lot of crazy stuff, Donnie. That's an actual quote from Chad Ross.

52:55Brian Redban:Well, there's a lot of crazy stuff. People have said that they should follow me around with a camera. I'm like, well, there's cameras on you now. What do you got? Well, it's crazy. I'm going to say it maybe any second, but I'm not. But I could, but I'm not going to. This is my one opportunity until I go back to Frisco. Population, by the sounds of things, 15 ,000 people. Hello there. You know, as you get older, there are certain things you put off until you realize you probably shouldn't. For a lot of people, life insurance is one of them. Whether you've got a family, a mortgage, or people who depend on you, it's one of those things that's worth taking very seriously.

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54:48Brian Redban:Who knows? This next bucket pool could be a fucking superstar. Make some noise. for young spank. Spence. Young Spence.

55:01Shit, what's good, people? Goddamn, I made it. Let's get straight to it. I've been on paper since 08. I don't know if y 'all, why y 'all ain't having it, but white folks, papers mean probation. Shit. Probation, yes. Probation, yeah. That means I got to go drop piss and shit. Like every three to four months, that's how I act, behavior. But it's just crazy, like, because the first three years is a little bit dangerous. It was a little bit too bad, like, because I was getting the same dude. Like, I was getting the same black dude. I'm like, is this dude kind of funny? Because this is how I started.

55:33When I first started going to that pitch, he was like, all right, watch your hands. I'm like, all right, go watch your hands. Lift his shirt up. I'm like, all right, do that. You know what I'm saying? Lift his shirt up. I'm like, all right, do that. You know what I'm saying? Then he's like, turn the side and start peeing. I'm like, huh? All right, whatever. This is going for, like, three fucking years. You know what I'm saying? in between my time being on preparation. Three years going with this shit. So finally he gone and I got a new dude. I'm like, so my dude was like, all right, watch that.

55:58I know that shit going. I know shit going. All right, I got you. You know what I'm saying? He's like, I was like, I started to do the thing. He's like, you ain't got to do all that. I said, huh? I thought the last. I'm like, all right, you dirty son of a bitch looking motherfucker. Okay, Young Spence, that is your time indeed. Oh my God. Young Spence, from what I gathered, Hold on a second. From what I gathered there, you were taking us through your adventures with different probation officers. Am I correct? Yeah. Okay, talking to that microphone right there. Holy shit. Yes, I was. I got to. So this is true shit.

56:33I mean, that's kind of the gay shit I got for you, Tony. I don't know how to show it. So I was like, all right, that's only gay shit I can read. That's not how it works at all. Hold on. Young Spence. Stick with me here. Stick with me here. I got you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up. I've been writing jokes since high school, so I say 05, I was about 15. I didn't start telling on stage like this shit, so I got out of prison for my probation. So when was that? 2017, so I'd say about nine years. Wow, where have you done it for nine years at? In Houston. I'm out here in Houston right now at the moment.

57:10I should have guessed that. I don't know why I didn't guess you were from Houston. I can't believe it. No, I'm originally not from here. I'm from Detroit, Michigan. I would have guessed that, too. I mean, that would have been my next guest. I swear to God. I mean, Detroit and Houston, all checks out. Yeah, yeah, all checks out. No doubt about it. So let's get into it, young Spence. What were you on probation for? I was seeing shit robbery. You know what I'm saying? Okay. What were you robbing? Oh, shit, a bunch of stories. But here's the funny thing about it. I love it. See, that's how you get to it.

57:43Bring Mike Holloway back in here. I'm kidding. Here's the funny thing about it, people. It wasn't so bad, but like, when Texas say, don't mess with Texas, they really mean that shit. So I'm coming from like, when I heard the word aggravated, I'm like, okay, aggravated. But then when I have a gun, it's an aggravated robbery. I'm like, oh, 30 years. I'm like, no, I ain't signing for that shit. Donnell, can you translate that for us? Okay. What he was saying is like, I pulled the gun out. He wanted to fight me. Then I was going to jail. I was like, fuck that. Wait a minute. He said, I'm on papers, which means I got a probation officer.

58:15Yeah. All right, here's another one. you white people might not know. All right. What's your government? Spencer. Spencer Isaac. What the fuck? What just happened? I got the white people. White people. Motherfucker, let me help you. That was my way of asking, what's your real name? Yeah, yeah. Welcome to Breakfast Club with Tony Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. Joke. I thought Spike Lee was doing jokes for the first five minutes. Joke. This is incredible. Holy shit. The fact that he got turned up Like, the other jokes, he was with, kind of. But once he started talking about his criminal past, he started getting excited.

58:52He was like, ha, ha, ha. And then I robbed that motherfucker. Ha, ha, ha. All right. Nah, I would go worse than that. But like I said, as clean as I can do it, I would be worse than that. What do you mean? You have harder hitting comedy?

59:05Brian Redban:Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Like what? I try to be nice in front of, like, I'm sorry, white folks and everything. The white folks like it rough. Oh. Yeah. We do. This is Kill Tony. Oh, fuck, yeah, that's probably why I should be here, yeah. You thought doing gay shit was going to be wildly successful here? It only works for me, my friend. You got bunch of gay jokes and shit on me. Why don't you do the hard-hitting stuff? Give us a minute of that. You ready for it? You got it up there? Yeah. All right, do it. Shit, my girlfriend left for a midget.

59:39Oh, y 'all find, yeah, y 'all really find that shit fucking hilarious. Really, really a fucking midget. It wouldn't be so bad, but it's like, it just sucks when you're in line at Burger King trying to get the 99 cent chicken nuggets. You know what I'm saying? It's like, oh, shit, chicken nuggets, 10 ,000? Oh, sign me up. You know what I'm saying? I mean, line like, yeah, chicken nugget, chicken nugget. 99 cent, that'll stuff be bad. And then all of a sudden, boo, Spencer, I'm leaving you. Uh-huh, bitch, you leaving me? What? Yeah, I'm leaving. I was like, oh, don't do this shit, bitch. I'm in the bitch.

1:00:11I'm fucking in the bitch. Don't do this shit. Not right now. Not right now. I got a little kid behind me like, goddamn, man. Like, hurry up. Shut the fuck. I got grown folk problems going on right now. What the fuck wrong with you? Yo, I just got to say, they got a different type of weed here at all. I don't know what they smoking out here. that sucks to hear because I was gonna ask you to translate that what he was saying I was like this little bitch was sucking my dick I couldn't afford to pay her so I was like whatever I got left for a midget I got left for a midget bro but what did the chicken nuggets have to do with it they're back at Burger King I was having a good time thinking I was getting a deal but I already got fucked the day best way to do it but so now I'm sitting searching for the midget you know what I'm saying like god damn you gotta be fucked up I knew I should have never let this bitch drive my car.

1:01:02Fuck, okay, all right. I knew it was a problem when I found phones. Okay, okay, stop. Hold on, hold on, young Spence. We got to breathe, everyone. You got me fucked up means there's a misunderstanding. I'm translating. Do more, do more.

1:01:16Brian Redban:Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, young Spence. Hold on. I need to understand. Me too. So your girl really left you for a midget? That's just a joke. I mean, I've been left for, but I learned how to, like, obviously for the crowd. I need to laugh, so shit. But, yeah. Right. So you've been left before, but never for a midget. I'm sorry. Any midgets in here or little people? Young Spence. Hold on. I apologize. Hold on. Young Spence, over here. How does the... I got lost at some point, and I think Donnell did, too. Let me understand. I was there. Hold on. Hold on. Pause. Please, for the love of God.

1:01:53Hold on a second here. How did the chicken nuggets apply to you being here? girl leaving you for a midget. I have to know before I ask you about the robberies. Because I have a good day. When I'm having a good day, it's always some bullshit that's going to fuck your day up.

1:02:09Brian Redban:So you were having a bad day. Your girl left you for a midget and then the chicken nuggets, there was a deal. I was trying to get the chicken nuggets. When I was in the middle of getting chicken nuggets, that's when I got that phone card. Oh, shit. Chicken nuggets they made 99 cents since then. Oh my God. You are impossible to understand. The worst thing about this, Tony, why people ever since then. Hold on, Young Spence, hold on. The worst part of this is white people are like, I told you he likes chicken. You couldn't say salad or brisket or nothing. You had to say the fried chicken nuggets with extra crispy with lemon pepper sauce on it.

1:02:43God damn it. Damn it, bro.

1:02:46Brian Redban:God damn it. Detroit, Houston. Yes. That's basically filet mignon. All I wrapped in was. Young Spence, so let me ask you. You got off of probation, what, about six, seven years ago? Is that what you said? I'm still on it. Oh, why are you still on it? Yeah, I should have ran with that. You have an ankle monitor on? No, I don't. It ain't nothing else. What are the terms of your probation? Basically, shit, man. I got some deferred, some shit like that, but I've been on for a day. I'm really not supposed to be, you're not supposed to leave the county, but... Ah. Guess who's going to jail tonight? Hey.

1:03:21Guess who's going to jail tonight? Hey, hey, hey. Here are the real jokes about it. As soon as I get out the Greyhound bus, I'm like, man, I ain't tripping, bro. I was going to kill Tony. Fuck it. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it, bro. Thank you, bro. I made it. I don't give a fuck. I made it. Fuck it. Here's the thing about it. Here's the thing about it. I'm sorry, Tony. But I've been off since 2017, and I got 10 years for what I did. So I'll be off in January, but I still owe them money because I ain't paid no money. How much money do you owe them? I owe them$5 ,000. $5 ,000. I just looked at this shit a few days ago when I finally paid him again.

1:04:00I ain't paid him in like a year and a half. You have that on you, right? Sam. I should have brought you. I should have brought the receipt. So you didn't have it all? You didn't have all the money? No, I don't. So you were short like the dude that took your girlfriend, huh? Oh, my goodness. You know what? I got shot. Yeah, I got shot. But yeah, I'm out of here.

1:04:21Brian Redban:Young Spence, you owe$5 ,000. Let me ask you this question before I get you out of here. Yes, sir. How much were you able to successfully steal in your robbery career? Oh, this is the even worse joke. I said, so, all right, so I robbed, let's see. Young Spence. A Denny's. Young Spence. No. Young Spence. Like, take like a breath and like say it like word for word. Tony, I've never heard anybody say this joke is even worse. Yeah. Joke. But it's real life shit though. Do you need water or something? No, I'm good. That's how you sound at your best? Yes. Not at my best, but yes, I'm drunk. I will be drunker, but I'm good.

1:05:04You had some drinks today? Yeah, but I actually did nights, bro. Are you allowed to drink on probation? No, I shouldn't like to smoke weed, but like I said, I had too many different POs, so it was all good. But right now, I've been doing a lot better. PO is a probation officer for the white people. Yeah. I thought he was talking about the post office. God damn. What's your zip code? Do you still have to pee? Yeah. Yeah. When I used to have to pee? I don't smoke weed, so I don't do drug drugs. I call the drug drugs people. Yeah, yeah, drug drugs. I know what that means. Cocaine. Yeah, bars, bro.

1:05:44All that shit. I don't do no drug drugs, so I'm good. All my best friends, they don't drink it like I drink, so they all smoke. so it's like I don't have to black people can smoke weed and talk about I don't do drug drugs yeah bars white people do that as well drug drugs but no I'm dead serious I don't do drug drugs so like spent my whole life and shit crying and shit get the fuck out of here with that shit so I'm good that's why that's why I've been to make it you sound like your mouth's dry let's get you a can of water real quick can we bring him a can of water real quick there we are here we go just for him just for him that's for him

1:06:23Are you about to take the mess? She's just giving you a water. That's the lovely Heidi right there.

1:06:34He was ready to say, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. He was ready to be like, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. That's not like a freak. Yeah. I got somebody. You don't have to worry about the Greyhound. We got you. I'm like, no, I'm not trying to do that. Not right now, no. That was so scary. I'm like, no, we got you. I'm like, no, get the fuck out of here. That weed was kicking in extra heavy there for a second, huh? Heidi just came out and handed you water. Goddamn, bro. But hey, let's be respectful about that police officer, Wood Smash. That is a hot police officer. Right. Fuck that. Let me hit my phone, bro.

1:07:11Come on. How about a hand for the great Austin Police Department, always keeping us safe. She had a fatty. young Spence she had a fatty okay alright Donnell that's enough you have the right to remember when will you people finally respect the police I can't read if Donnell gets arrested after this that's a perfect episode you say I can't read I can't read

1:07:41I thought that you said I've been waiting to walk off motherfucker When I say walk, y 'all say off. Walk. Off. Walk. Off. All right. This place is crazy. No one's free, so we're all free. What the hell was the last? Stop it. What? Stop it with your Arnold Schwarzenegger jokes. I'm here with you, Tony. I'm here. Bitch. I love it when people call me Mr. Tony. It's my favorite thing. Okay, so young Spence, I think my final question was what?

1:08:18Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. Did you earn more than the$5 ,000 that you owe? In all your robberies, did you get more than$5 ,000? You owe them$5 ,000. What do you think, if you had to guess your total take in all of your robberies back in the day, because we know you would never do that again. What do you think? I won't. I ain't going to do it. I'm listening. All right, so basically, the whole robbery, what I got, like I said, it was a subway family dollar. Family dollar People all have it in the Midwest Family dollar I think it's a Wait, it's a Denny's involved in there Was this on Jefferson? No, but it's out here We're out in Houston And then we shot a motherfucker Hold on, hold on They're like threatening the boot with a knife So basically, all that came out It was like $200 and some shit like that I was so mad time out young spence i have to cut you off this interview is going on way too long but i have to ask you hold on young spence over here what the fuck made you rob a family dollar yes it is both for family and everything is a fucking dollar tell me before you go in for this great loot taking that you were expecting what the fuck were you thinking uh was the was the was the fucking what's that fucking place called dollar general yeah it ain't dollars well you can't rob dollar general because that's stolen valor yeah what were you thinking robbing a family dollar where everything is a dollar yes dollar general well it was just the first pit stop first pit stop yeah what does that mean you oh you were on a run that day right oh that was the first one let me ask you this did you change disguises after each robbery or anything what were you wearing black hoodie black hat no i was being myself i'm stupid so you were what me and my hunk me and my hunk we was on some bonnie and clive shit some bonnie and clive shit yeah that's great what were you what does that mean i asked what you were wearing uh shit not no mask

1:10:30That's why I said it's jokes for later on, but fuck it. I'm all about to tell him now. This is unbelievable. No, man, like, yeah, this is what the dude, my lawyer said. He was like, whenever I was out there, I was like, hey, man, I want to talk to you for a minute and everything about your case and everything. You went to four places and this and this and that. I was like, all right, cool. But I'm going to see you next. If my lawyer said whatever he just said, I would shoot myself in the head. Man. What you been saying? I got blessed. I got blessed. Come on, I got blessed. No, he mailed people.

1:10:58I got blessed, though. I got blessed. So it was like, he said, I'll see you next month. And we're going to talk about the same thing. I said, all right. So then he's like, this is like he said next month. I saw him. He was like, oh, you went in with no mask on? I said, yeah. He's like, ah. Wow. And then he was like, oh, it was broad daylight. And I was like, yeah. He's like, ah. This feels like the first person that calls Top Dog Law. And then he was like, they got the gun, too? I was like, yeah. He was like, ah. You had a gun? True shit. And then he was like, why are you looking at 30 years, buddy?

1:11:32You know what I'm saying? I'm like, what the fuck? And he just walked off. I'll see you next month. But you're looking at 30 years. I'm like, what the fuck? No, you're not going to give me 30 years. Fuck that. And I'll see you. That's how I was for months. And I'm sitting there waiting 30 years. Hold on, young Spence. I got to stop you. I'm like, fuck that. Because you're skipping a CD right now.

1:11:49Brian Redban:30 years. 30 years. I said 30 years. Fuck that. 30 years. 30 years. Remember CDs used to skip. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Young Spence, Young Spence. I'm with you, Tony. So, when's the last time you spoke to your lawyer? I've been home for a minute, so I don't have to speak to him. I've been free. You've been home in Houston. You're supposed to be in Houston right now. And you're not supposed to drink. No, I'm good. I'm fine with drinking. My P.O. good with that. How much longer are you on probation for? Till January. Till January. I've been on since 2017. When I say 08, I was re-adjudicating, but it's really 2017.

1:12:33Okay. Yeah, I've been on probation since 2017. A whole 10 years. 2017? Instead of 20 years in prison, I got 10 years probation. I stayed out of trouble, and I really have to do what I'm trying to do in my comedy career. I'm just kidding. I don't steal. I don't touch no weapons. I don't like, the people I do be around like me, oh, y 'all don't drink drinks? Get away from me. If I'm going to Stoke, you can't go in Stoke. You still steal. You feel me? So I don't be around people like this. Still, still. Just to let you know, if any law officials are watching this, we are in Houston, Texas right now, in his backyard.

1:13:08We're shooting this in Young Spence. I know we decorated it like it's the mothership. We are in Young Spence's backyard. The secret group. You know the secret group? Yeah. I've been in the secret group all the time. Boondocks, I used to go improv. Okay, all right. Young Spence, I gotta keep it moving, because this is the longest interview, perhaps in the show's history. I'm glad it's the best one.

1:13:29Brian Redban:Here's a big joke book, yep. Young Spence, there he is. Hell yeah. Thank y 'all. Absolutely legendary performance by Young Spence. I mean, the set, okay, the interview, absolutely epic. That is what you want in an interview.

1:13:52Heidi back out of the police uniform alright ladies and gentlemen your next bucket poll getting 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado ladies and gentlemen

1:14:10hey what's up it's good to be here I just I'm one of the short midgets that fucked that guy's girlfriend glad I can't believe we made it to the same place this is exciting it's good to be here what's up you guys uh you guys racist or all right nice good a lot of nervous laughter but no one said no uh that's exciting that's cool here's what i think i think racism is never going to end in america unfortunately no matter how many times they spray paint end racism in the end zone of an nfl field it's never going to end that was their solution they put end racism in the end zone like that was going to change something and nothing ever changed.

1:14:50They didn't even say, please. That might help. It's the wrong demographic too. They missed it. It's the wrong place. I think we have to put end racism in other places. Then we can make a difference. You know, let's put end racism on a pickleball court. Then something will change, right? Let's put end racism on a NASCAR track. Those are people that need to hear it. Okay. And you would have to put it on the track. You couldn't put it on the cars. The cars move too fast. Those people read too slow. Okay? And rrrr. And rrrr. Thanks, guys. Absolutely hilarious. A miracle out of the bucket tonight. Great joke.

1:15:37Ronaldo Mercado. Welcome back. It's been a while, Ronaldo. Yeah, good to be back. Thanks for having me, man. Amazing stuff. Guys, a good 60 seconds. How about that? What a relief. Amazing. Hell yeah. What a hero. I'm offended. You're offended? Yeah, because I love pickleball. You do? This is amazing. When you said that, I felt like it was an attack on me, man. But it was, like you said. I know this platform is an opportunity for people doing it for the first and second time, but it is kind of refreshing to see somebody just waiting for the opportunity to do it this polished and went straight to it.

1:16:11Exactly. Just on that. Amazing. And, like, that's not an easy, like, that was one minute of jokes, but it was a bunch of jokes. It was all one topic. I mean, it was just... You didn't kill anybody. Yeah, yeah. You weren't, you know... You didn't say you had fucked a kid. Thanks. Appreciate that.

1:16:27Brian Redban:How long have you been doing Santa Bernal, though? Eight years. Eight years. Just hit eight years. Amazing. How's life going for you? Oh, it's great. Just got back from St. Louis. Did a show in the basement of Chuck Berry's restaurant. Oh, Blueberry Hill? Blueberry Hill, yeah. In the basement. just trying to go on the road, do comedy. Things have been going good. Still with my girlfriend, where we pay rent. That's not going to last. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You kind of look like me and Red Band had a child. Yeah. Interesting. I actually, I work at Red Band's club, and people all the time, they go, you know he looks just like you, right?

1:17:03They do tell me that.

1:17:05Brian Redban:That's amazing. That's not a compliment. Sorry, sir. That's all right. Ronaldo, what does your girlfriend do? She works box office at the Comedy Mothership. Wow. Look at that. Not a comic. We've been together a long time, ten years together. Wow. Do you describe her pussy as the box office? Come on now. That's right. I got VIP tickets. Hell yeah. That's right. Very important penis. To her. There's deep madness, ladies and gentlemen. The whole time the last guy was out here, Dee Madness was roasting his ass in the back the entire time. Incredible. Dee's brutal. Incredible. But yeah, we've been together 10 years.

1:17:52It's been great. We lived here in Austin for two years now. I think we're going to make it. We're high school sweethearts. People say we're not going to make it. I think we're going to make it.

1:17:58Brian Redban:I think you guys are definitely going to make it. You're not going to make it! It's been 10 years. Dee, what were you saying about the last guy that was up here? We didn't get to hear any of it. You weren't supporting your fellow coucher? You were saying, nah, man, put my ass up there. I'm funnier than him. Is that what you were saying, D? Is that true? D? As a matter of fact, yeah. Yep, there you go. As a matter of fact, yeah. I don't know when I look at him, I just want to go, happy birthday. They're friends. Him and Stevie are friends. Oh, shit. Or were friends. They met at the eye doctor. How do you roast somebody when you're blind?

1:18:44You're like, just, yeah, he's got dirty underwear on right now. Okay.

1:18:52Ronaldo, great stuff. Amazing. Hey, Ronaldo, if you're around Thursday, I would love to have you on the secret show. Thanks, man. Here you go. Ronaldo Mercado, ladies and gentlemen.

1:19:05Brian Redban:Hey, let's talk to the small business owners out there listening right now. You know, running a business is tough. But you know what's actually painful? Trying to get a loan from a traditional dinosaur bank. They treat you like you're asking for a personal favor. Drown you in endless paperwork and make you wait weeks just to say no. It's absolutely ridiculous. I know how the banks have worked forever. It's terrible. Joe White, come on up here and tell them what it used to be like. Red Band. That's where Cardiff comes in to save the day. They are America's favorite small business lender because they actually understand entrepreneurs.

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1:20:17Brian Redban:1892. See what I'm talking about, people? And Joe knows. That's why he signed up at Cardiff. Without a doubt, that's cardiff.co slash killtony today. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular on this show that has the unbelievable duty of having to write and perform a new minute every single week. This is a brand new minute from him. You know him. Formerly the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

1:20:51Shout out, Lauren Clancy. Postpartum is real. And I understand it not just because a bunch of my homegirls had babies, but men go through that, too. I call it post-hard-on depression. Some people call it post-nut clarity, but I call it post-hard-on depression because at the end, all of my kids die on somebody's face or back.

1:21:23I don't fuck with AI. I don't. I was in the Denver airport, and I was coming to get on my flight, and then I walked over, and they had, like, a little aisle where you could, like, buy the snacks and shit, and normally they have somebody there, like, to ring it up, but you just put them on this, like, little table and automatically, like, gather how much you got, and they give you a price, and I clicked to pay, and then it had a screen that popped up, and it said suggested tip. Nigga, I'm not tipping AI. That was the blackest I've felt in a long time. My nigga, I'm not, and the first option was 25%.

1:22:04My nigga, you didn't do anything at all. But I still felt American, so I wanted to give him a chance, right? Because maybe the person who stalked it was near. I said, hey, if you the nigga that stalked this shit, you got two seconds to come over here. nobody came so i stole it i just fucked that bro but it's but i don't fuck with ai i was like texas just passed a weed ban and at first i was with it because i thought they was just trying to go against like delta a and like t-h-c-a right because i don't believe in ai weed you know i'm saying i don't i don't believe in that shit that shit is wrong but then i found it was also t-h-c in there and the reason why I don't fuck with Delta A because the nigga gonna try to sell it to you like it's supposed to be weed he's like yo it's just one molecule off from being weed and I want to let you know that one molecule is full of nanobytes right it's full of nanobytes because you ever met somebody who ate a weed edible that nigga's still smart and giggling and having a good time but anybody on the Delta A edible is the stupidest nigga that you've ever met right because the nanobites get to your brain and them niggas up there deleting shit.

1:23:20You know what I'm saying? They deleting shit and shredding files, right? You ever be a high, you ate Delta 8, you look at your phone and it give you an ad for the thing you was thinking about. It's because of the Wi-Fi hidden, right? You know what I'm saying? If a nigga is high, he probably just eating, but if he eat Delta 8, that nigga is drooling and you walk up to him, you're like, how is your day going? He's like, ah. There was a fire earlier. That's my time, my love, y 'all. Thank y 'all. Dedrick Flynn.

1:23:56Brian Redban:I don't know the difference between the Delta 8 and the other edibles. I don't know if I... I don't ever do edibles, so I don't recognize any difference. Well, they make regular weed, too, Tony. But you're too rich to understand all those poor people's problems. They don't want to affect the rich, and they want to affect the poor because there's more of us. Oh, my goodness. More of us? Your chain is worth like$6 ,000. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Your chain could get young Spence off of probation. Yeah. Stop. This chain was on Amazon. I make it look good because I'm cute, nigga. Calm down. Calm down, all right?

1:24:32Either way, I'd be selling tickets like you, Sam Talent. Shut the fuck up. Your last name is Talent, bitch. I'm done with you. Somehow. I'm a fan.

1:24:43Fizzball. Niggas. No, I am a fan of yours. I don't know when the first time I saw you, but it's so hard to hear people that got original voices that are different. And then, like, me knowing your backstory, like, when you went to jail, I had a free Dedrick shirt. You did. But it's so refreshing to see you come here, see your growth and what you're doing. And I don't really comment on people's pages too much, but I was like this authentic, original, and just refreshing. and then as I follow your career, even when you're in the green room, I got excited for a second, but I had to calm down because I'm on papers, right?

1:25:19I was like this, oh, that's a guy, oh! And I paused, whatever, but I'm a fan. Then why you ain't tack my plug, Konsei, when he come up here? You know, that's how I got arrested, Konsei. Konsei goddamn got me arrested. He said, yo, bring me Somali to sell when you get to Japan. So now I ain't understand shit you just said. Yeah. I don't know who's going to translate that. You just ruined the story. I want to love you. Hey, we already did this before. We can't just keep bonding. These white people don't understand what we talking about. What I'm going to say, hey, nigga, I love you. I watch you on these black things.

1:25:51Brian Redban:What's your government? Government goddamn what? What? You a fed? You didn't know. Do the thing you did before. I told you. How did you do that? No, no, no. Show me how to do that. How did you do that? Hold on. First of all, first of all, I don't give a fuck if they don't understand. What did you mean, what's my government? Tony said it. That sounds like a federal fucking thing where I'm from, nigga. What's my government what? Name? Yeah, that's what it is. Hell no. He mispronounced it. Dedrick, hell no, Dark Storm. That's it. I don't want these niggas knowing nothing about me. I don't give a fuck.

1:26:25I love it. I love it. Now I get it. It's the government name. But you ask, what's your government? And they give you your name. I think it's better coming from me. I think so, too. I learned that the hard way. When you said it, it sounded like you were going to say you have a right to remain silent. Yeah, yeah. What's your government? Get on the fucking ground. What's your government? I plead the fifth. Hell no, I don't... I know my rights. I don't answer government questions from a bald nigga. He ain't got nothing to lose. Dedrick always slightly mean to the panel for no reason whatsoever. Everybody's so nice.

1:27:01Which one of us were you talking about? Both y 'all bald niggas. The nigga that's still yet holding on the nigga that gave up, man. What's up, white dad? I love you, bro. Your hair look good sometimes. I love you, white dad. I just love it. I love the new set, Dedrick. I love the support from Donnell, the culture, the coucher. And I love that

1:27:24Brian Redban:he supported you when you were in jail, and I hope that you return the favor and support him when he goes to jail very soon. Perhaps arrested after the show What's the government, Ashley Larry? Martin Lawrence. Dedrick, we love you. That was racist. The great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Back to the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Make some noise for your next 60 seconds. Uninterrupted. Going to Zach Myers, everybody. Zach Myers.

1:28:04What's going on? Uh, a good thing pedophiles could say to get into the LGBTQ is something like, Hey, we got pride too, just ask little Timmy. We pried his butt cheeks open last week.

1:28:32It's true.

1:28:38I recently thought of this candy nobody's made before. Oh, my God. It's a candy that would start off lemony and tart, and then it would turn sweet, and then it would turn tart again. And you'd call it the retard.

1:29:01Another thing I think is funny when fat chicks get their hair done?

1:29:08Keep going.

1:29:17Thank you. They'll be like, hey, does this look good? And it's like, well, no, there's still 300 pounds under it.

1:29:30Thank you. Zach Myers has arrived. to the Kill Tony universe. Wow. Where did you come from? Wichita. Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. Wow. All of it in Wichita? Most of it in San Antonio. Is that where you live now? I live here now. When did you move to Austin? San Antonio to Wichita to Austin. What, are you following the money? I wish... Well, yeah, actually, yeah. How long have you been in Austin? Three weeks.

1:30:06Brian Redban:Wow. And you moved here, obviously, for the ridiculously booming comedy scene. I mean, it is booming. Do you do anything else for a living? Aerospace engineer. Wow. You're a current aerospace engineer? Well, actually, one of my coworkers sent my set in to my boss. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to get back in the game. I think you're going to be okay. Donnell. I just got one question for you. What's your government? Zachary Myers yeah exactly white people just repeat their actual name yeah

1:30:49when I say walk y 'all say off walk it's gonna happen wow Zach tell us more about your life you're so hilarious Thank you, man. My girlfriend is in Michigan. I am looking for a job. I thought you were going to say looking for a new girlfriend. Yeah, looking for a job and a second girlfriend. Why is she in Michigan? That is where I lived before I moved to San Antonio.

1:31:20Brian Redban:And you left her in Michigan? Yeah, and she is hot, so I don't know what I'm doing. Right. She's going to be with that black basketball team in two weeks. That is fucked up. Young Spence. Biggest fear, sir. Don't save my government, motherfucker. Bad news. Young Spence is on his way back to Michigan right now. The good news is he's just going to rob a Dollar General. So what does your girlfriend do in Michigan? Is she a family there? Family and a job, yes. What's the job? Like manager for marketing. Okay. You don't really listen to her. You don't care at all. No more than anyone else. Only fans.

1:32:04That is fucked up Darnell. Darnell. Darnell, get it together. Yeah, he put the white in that shit. Darnell. He knows your government name. He put an R in your name and at the end of the word. He's no good. That is fucked up, Sam. He speaks Schwarzenegger.

1:32:26Brian Redban:Zach, what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. What else? Man, it's mostly this and the gym. I wish there was more fun. Is the gym your boyfriend's name? That is fucked up again, sir. Zach, that's... D-Madness loved it. Yeah, he did. Zach. So what's your living situation now? You don't have an aerospace engineering job. You gambled on yourself, moved to Austin, Texas three weeks ago. Did you get your own little apartment? What's the deal? You couch surfing? What's going on? I'm rooming with my buddy, splitting a place. You're splitting a place with your buddy. Did he move down here with you?

1:33:07No, he was already here.

1:33:09Brian Redban:Okay. Yep. And what's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator right now waiting for you at home? Six full-size cucumbers. Whoa. I'm glad I asked. Paws. Yes. Once I come over, there'll only be five. And I'm allergic to eating cucumbers. They're going in his butt. Okay, thank you. Now I've pieced it, yeah. Zach, I have a big follow-up question here. Why do you have six cucumbers? I like eating them whole. Oh, my God. You just eat them skin and all? Well, yeah, but not how you eat them. you don't eat them all in one bite well look at yourself in the mirror

1:33:58backwards it's a series of mirrors countdown for the walk off

1:34:08Brian Redban:amazing how many so how many cucumbers do you go through a day just one stocked up for the week you dipping them or just raw dog hummus man oh yeah bro You are Michigan. Yes. A lot of Arabs out there. Are they the big cucumbers or are they the Persian cucumbers? I have not seen a Persian cucumber. They call them Israeli cucumbers now. They are the big cucumbers.

1:34:37Holy shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I know this is crazy. What ethnicity are you? I'm Arab. Yeah, yeah. I swear when you came out here, I was hoping you didn't count backwards.

1:34:54Brian Redban:There is a... In nine, eight, seven, six, three, two, one. Darnell, you forgot five and four. You fucked up, Darnell. I can't read.

1:35:13Enough is a fucking enough. Sorry, sir. We bonded backstage. I know. Remember this? I know. Remember that? Yes. Let's get back to it. No, no. Okay. Okay. Are you Chaldean? No, Syrian. Oh. Yeah. Not for long. Tredo-Sararian.

1:35:35Brian Redban:Are your parents still in Syria, or what's going on there? No, my mom's mom immigrated here. Dearborn, Michigan. You are right. Wow. Look at that Wala Habibi, baby My wife's from there Yeah, you know about it You know about it, man Hell yeah, man Customer service is a bit touchy during Ramadan Otherwise it's lovely Yeah, we get crabby They're so cranky Give them a fig Have a fig They do like figs Yeah, you guys are fig pigs Okay Y 'all singing a different language I don't know what the fuck is going on right now Oh, it's Arabic How do you think we felt when you and Young Spence were talking?

1:36:22Newton, please.

1:36:27Zach, give us another fun fact about your life. I don't eat pussy. Whoa, tell us more. Yeah, you said you're Syrian. I didn't say that. Wow. Wow. Wow. I don't know if you know the Kill Tony fan base, but there's two things that they love. That is eating pussy and H-E-B. Am I right, people? That's right. All the way. Look at the lights. The lights activate for that and everything. I mean, I know this is a crazy question, especially from a black guy. Is it like a fast decision? You can't eat pussy like day dawn up? It's not halal? Yeah. It is not halal. It wasn't blessed. They didn't bleed it clean.

1:37:17That is fucked up, Sam. So what is your reasoning? Yeah, tell us more. You just got to earn it. I mean, as soon as I get married... Oh, look at all the ladies. Hold on. Hold on a second here. Hold on. Give me one second here. Thank you.

1:37:35Brian Redban:So you put your penis inside of your girlfriend, correct? Yeah, that's what I do. But you're saving eating out for marriage. Well, if she earns that, we'll take in that. Hold on. How does she earn it? Not cheating on you in Michigan? That is true. This is absolutely incredible. Does she perform oral sex on you sometimes? Yes, that is a thing she does. Wow. Oh, the ladies in the room are going nuts. This is the worst poker hand ever. My goodness. Goodness. So when's the last time you ate a pussy, Zach Myers? I was probably about 15. Okay, so take us through that process of realizing that eating pussy is not for you.

1:38:23Brian Redban:That's weird. What did you notice? I didn't eat a pussy until I was like 28 years old. Well, that's fucked up. You're late. Damn, so you don't eat pork or pussy? Your life is fucked. No, I'll eat pork. Wow, you'll eat pork but not pussy. Yo, what the fuck is going on right now? Okay, was the pussy that you ate when you were 15 a little off or something like that? It was fine. I was just doing it. I was like, you know, this is kind of gay. It's the opposite of gay. Take it from me. Take it from me. It is the opposite of gay. Okay, yeah, I'll take it from you. Have you tried dipping a cucumber in it or something?

1:39:03Brian Redban:It ends up as a pickle. I've never heard anybody say eating pussy was gay but I've heard some of the dick is gay you're confusing the shit I don't do either have you tried eating out a dick yet? you might have liked it sound boards right there my friend so can you tell us what it was about the process of eating pussy in which it made you feel gay Can you just describe, just take us through your own feelings here. Yeah, I was down there. I was doing the deed. I was like, you know, I am getting everything out of this already. What do you mean you're getting everything out of this already? Wrong deed.

1:39:48That is not the asshole.

1:39:50Brian Redban:Hold on, hold on, hold on. What do you mean? What do you mean? We got to know. We got to know. What do I know by what? You're down there. You're 15. You're going down on a girl. Yeah. What was it about it that made it feel gay to you? Well, it was just like I had just watched The Sopranos. You've seen The Sopranos. I fucking love The Sopranos. When I was 15, I was watching The Sopranos and eating pussy. Doing both. He's gay. Sometimes at the same time. Okay, yeah. Okay. Kind of gay. Again, definitely not gay. That's crazy that you think it's gay. All right. I do a lot of gay shit. I light candles right before bed.

1:40:27Yeah. I don't. I know. That's gay? That's what they tell me. That's what they tell me. His microphone's cold. Because it makes me feel good. They smell good.

1:40:37Brian Redban:It feels good. You wake up. You're like, I'm still alive. They didn't burn the place down. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yep. So, again, I still haven't gotten an answer. What about it made you feel gay? I was just thinking, you know, I could be doing anything else, you know. I could be getting out here. What are you doing? Hold on Guys, hold on Your first encounter with pussy Is not the most pleasant thing Go ahead Describe what you mean You're saying the younger the better No, I remember when I was When I was younger this girl was like this You want to see my pussy? You want to touch my pussy? And I thought she was talking about a cat You thought she was talking about a what?

1:41:27A cat, a pussy Oh, my God. And she put my hand on her thing, and I was like this. Ah! I ran, but I had to fight back. Right. That is gay. That is kind of gay. To be fair, her pussy had teeth. Believe it or not, I've never touched a pussy and screamed. It wasn't pleasant, but I had to do it for my culture.

1:41:52Brian Redban:Right. So this girlfriend, how long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? Three years. Three years, and you've never once gone down there and given it a little smooch? Hasn't earned it. What do you mean earned it? This is, you're finding a Heidi with double thumbs down over there. Okay. I like that. You got to earn, you want me to eat your pussy? You got to earn it. Thank you. You're like tears to this shit. Level one, level two. Final, final question, Zach. You got it, man. Take us through the process of earning your pussy eating. What exactly does a woman have to do? Well, just be there.

1:42:36Well, that's not working. Listen a bit. Listen a bit. The Syrian is coming through, everybody. I don't know if you've ever met a Syrian guy before. I told the bitch to shut the fuck up. I'll eat your pussy. Yep. Pretty much. This is absolutely... Well, so let's say she does earn it. Yeah. How will you bless her when that day comes? He would let her do it again. Yeah, that's it. That's right, right? What? Let her do what again? No, you do it again. That's how you earn the trust? Hold on, what? I don't know what you're talking about. This is my second dress. Hold on, Sam.

1:43:14Brian Redban:Ask that question again, Donnell. Are you going to, like, lay down, like, in a rose bed? I mean, how are you going to make it worth a while for waiting out your tongue? Well... By the way, are you going to fucking shave before you go down there? Yeah. Probably not. Oh! How do you think you will know how to do it effectively if you've only done it once? You've got to quit practicing on cucumbers. Yeah, well, that's step one. I'm going to quit practicing on cucumbers. Let me ask you this. You watch porn every once in a great while, right? Yeah, once in a great while. And you skip past all pussy-eating things, right?

1:43:51Brian Redban:Immediately. Exactly. Do you skip past blowjobs? No, I check how it's going. And you'll watch Insertion. You'll watch Insertion, right? That is not gay. Hold on. Over here. Okay, yeah. You'll watch blowjobs, and you'll watch actual sex, right? No, now I don't watch blowjobs. You don't watch blowjobs. No, I do watch blowjobs. You just changed it right then. you realize that there was a dick involved in both of the things that you watched I have not thought that through you were about to go I only watch things with a dick in it not gay that's what you were about to do kind of yeah Zach I'm going to tell you this I can't believe it if I find out you eat pussy I'll have you back on immediately as soon as you eat pussy you let the producers here know and you're doing another minute on Kill Tony

1:44:51It is as close as it gets. Your set was unbelievable.

1:44:55Brian Redban:I'm giving you a big joke book, and I'm also sending you up to the little boy right now to get seen by Adam Eagat because your set was so funny. Thank you, guys. Thank you. So send him up to Adam Eagat. You're a fantastic comedian. Do not let Adam find out that you don't eat pussy, for the love of God. Thanks, guys. Thank you. You're close to having a career. Don't ever tell anybody you don't eat pussy again. I was going to have him on the secret show and everything, but now I'm like, fuck that. You got to eat pussy. You got to eat pussy. That's crazy. You have to eat pussy. Unless you're gay.

1:45:32If you're gay, that's cool. We have gay regular, we've had gay golden ticket winners before. He was so confident about you got to earn that. I respected that. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Why do you just eat pussy off the rip? How you doing? My name is... I'll eat stranger's pussy at a massage parlor. You know, like, I don't give a fuck.

1:46:00There goes Red Dan, everybody. A lot of people walk off after a big laugh. He goes, I'll eat a stranger's pussy at a massage parlor. That is my time. All right. All right. um ladies and gentlemen your next bucket poll goes by the name of lucas duanez everybody 60 seconds uninterrupted for lucas duanez appreciate that i'm really excited to be here but i gotta admit i'm really nervous um a lot of people have suggested that i drink but if you couldn't tell i have a problem with my enunciation and when I drink I tend to slur blacks, Asians, Jews.

1:46:49So I'm really into 69ing.

1:46:57Yeah, there's nothing better than a bitch dropping her fat dumper on your face while you're reading her the Quran.

1:47:13But, you know, like everyone, I get, you know, it gets hot, you know, so what, uh, so what I like to, what I started doing, I guess, is, uh, I started blowing air into their asses. So when it comes back out, you know, I get a nice breeze. I think that's my time, right? Appreciate it. Lucas Duinez.

1:47:36Brian Redban:All right, Lucas. Good work. Thank you. I appreciate that. My favorite part of this set was when you said you love 69ing, nothing better than a dumper on your face, and then you said for some reason reading the Quran. Why? Why would you be reading that? The tongue movements. I don't know what the fuck they do. Like, you know, like, you know what I mean? Who's they? Like the whatever, like, you know, the whatever they are. Muslims and shit. Turns out Middle Eastern guys hate eating. Yeah, yeah. I noticed that. I'd already planned that prior to this fucking... Ha ha ha ha!

1:48:11Brian Redban:Amazing. Lucas, how long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, I started in January. Wow, January. Congratulations. Pretty solid. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Uh, no, I live south of San Antonio. That's where I've been performing in San Antonio. South of San Antonio, so Mexico?

1:48:30That's awesome.

1:48:31Brian Redban:Yeah. Lucas, what do you do for work? What type of landscaping do you do for work? Home Depot, definitely. What do you do, Lucas? Right now, I am unemployed. I do DoorDash in favor. Okay. Do you have any assault and batteries or anything on DoorDash? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. How old are you? I just turned 34. 34. You have a girlfriend? No, I do not. How long have you been single for? About two years now. Okay. Two years. Do you go on dates? Every now and then, yeah. Last date you went on, how'd that go for you? I mean, I ended up reading the Quran. Really? How did that happen? Take us through the process of this happening.

1:49:16What was this, on 9-11? Oh, let's see. It was a couple weeks ago. We actually came down to the Riverwalk. Oh, I don't know why I thought it was in San Antonio. Jesus. We went to the Riverwalk and just went back to my place.

1:49:30Brian Redban:You didn't really read the Quran. I did. How did you end up reading the Quran? Well, I meant like she sat on my face and I read the Quran. Got it. Got it. I was just making sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was a first-time date? Yeah, yeah. And you ended up 69. San Antonio girls are easy. First date, 69. Yeah, she was also Latino, correct? No, no. It was a white girl? Yes, sir. Wow, look at you, absolutely nailing it. 69ing with a white girl in San Antonio. I don't trust that a white bitch that read the Quran is dangerous. She's setting you up. She's been radicalized. So where'd you take this girl?

1:50:11Brian Redban:Teach these people. There's so many people that struggle with dating and with finding true love. Tell them your secret to going on a first date and having a white girl set on your face afterwards. What did you do that night? Like I said, we just went to the rear walk. We'd already kind of been talking Several weeks prior On like a dating app or something? Yeah And what did you tell her about yourself? That I do comedy I guess You didn't tell her DoorDash or anything like that? Well at the time I had a job I had a job when we met And then a couple weeks later I walked up What was the job? I worked at Whataburger Fuck yeah, you know what?

1:50:50I'm about to sit on your face, dude I fucking love Whataburger white women will rescue anything they rescued you that's funny that's awesome that's fucking funny how did you you walked off at whataburger i did was it during a shift it was oh tell us about this please for the love of god i love this it's really not interesting i wish it was it is interesting you just don't think it's interesting but trust me it's very interesting to us um i don't know the manager got mad because i said that um like one of the like he has a i guess there's a rule now where we're not supposed to call out numbers for the order.

1:51:25And I'm like, why do we give them the number then? But they don't want us to call the names or the numbers. How do they communicate when the order's done? That's what I'm saying. I'm going to my cheap fast food correspondent, Brian Redman here. Whataburger gives you a big number thing. They just go out and give it to you by looking at the number. They don't want to yell it out. And so I got in trouble for yelling it out. That makes sense. You didn't want to walk it out to them. You wanted them to come up to you. Well, to the counter, at least. Well, I mean... Right. Because there's times you take it out to them and then they're like, oh, I want ketchup or whatever.

1:52:02And it's like, no, I've got to walk all the way back. You didn't want to do the job that entails your job at a Whataburger. Sam Tallent. Essentially. Oh. No. No, no. I was just... Oh, okay. I think he was right though. This story is not interesting. I love it.

1:52:17Brian Redban:There's a little bit of Whataburger culture there. It's very interesting. In-N-Out calls the numbers, correct, Red Band? It's annoying as fuck, too. That's the one I need to go to. They get cocky late at night. It's like, motherfucker, I'm looking at you. You gotta hit the computer. Why can't you communicate with the motherfucker? I want to be like this. Put extra mayonnaise and ketchup on my shit. And then you make us go and hit the fucking thing. Why do you do that? No one knows what you're talking about, Donnell. Let's check in with Red Band, our senior fast food correspondent. Which fast food place has the best delivery system, Red Band?

1:52:52I mean, what you're talking about is more of a McDonald's thing, where you have a computer. Thank you. Water burger doesn't do that. Old McRib over here. You understood what I was saying, Red Band. I think Chick-fil-A has an excellent system. They make me feel welcome. Not on a Sunday.

1:53:12Brian Redban:Lucas, what's the most interesting thing about your life? What's a fun fact? Do you have any special skills or talents? Any near-death experiences? Anything crazy? Shit, talent, no.

1:53:25I hydroplane one time in my car. You are indeed 100 % Mexican. Congratulations. What do you do for fun, Lucas? Aside from this, I hate to use the joke,

1:53:41Brian Redban:but read the Quran. Wait, why are you reading the Quran? I mean, is this just your way of saying having white girls sit on your face? Yes. Okay, great. 100%. It's an interesting way of putting it. Back to the well. It's not dry yet. Thank you. Okay, Lucas. Very good set, especially for starting in January. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Thank you guys. There you go. I really appreciate it. We're going to keep it moving along. No, my interviews are running too long. We have to fly through some more bucket pools. No, I think the stories are terrible. That's all. It's not on you, man. It happens.

1:54:12It happens. It doesn't happen. Tony, a white woman reading a Quran and sitting on faces, that's not a real story. He was using the word Quran as an indicator that white girls... You don't have to do your hand like arrogant white men when you say that. He was explaining something that's non-governmental, Donnell. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

1:54:42Men, we do not make women cum. It's a scientific fact that 90 % of women do not come from penetration. Trust me, I do my research, I read Cosmopolitan. I'm going to tell you what you do, though. If you're here with a woman tonight, go to her side of the bed. She keep it junk over there for a reason. She don't want nobody messing with her stuff. Reach up under the bed, there's going to be a box up under there. Pull that box out. When you open up that box, it's gonna light up like the Hody Grill. You'll be like, what the fuck is this? Inside that box gonna be a rose that didn't come from the garden.

1:55:14A wand, no wizard. Bullets that don't go in guns. That's what's making her come. I've been with my wife 15 years, married to her 10. Plenty of time we've had sex. I fell asleep feeling real good about myself. Like, yeah, I did that. I woke up, I heard.

1:55:35I just hold a hand for more support like do your thing girl do your thing thank y 'all wow Alvin Perry amazing easy breezy you make it look so easy

1:55:50Brian Redban:we've had some rough bucket pools today thank you thank you you have a great timing great delivery system great fucking everything enunciation fucking I mean absolutely fucking everything no I'm serious I've been hanging out with Donnell and Young Spence all night. That's my uncle right there. We look just alike. I didn't want to say it. To me, you do. What I realized about this whole show, nobody's eating pussy. I am. Okay, that makes sense. You say eating pussy? Oh, yeah. Everybody's eating pussy. I'm definitely a pussy eater. Oh, yeah. The whole band eats pussy. Look at Carlos Sosa over there.

1:56:29I mean, Jesus Christ. You eat a pussy. You eat a pussy Everybody eats a pussy Everybody eats a pussy Everybody Everybody Yeah Dude Can you imagine Having your pussy eaten By a saxophone player Yeah Oh my gosh Yeah What's my guy's name right here Dee Madness Hella pussy Dee Madness Imagine thinking You eat some pussy And you're actually Licking a hemorrhoid Oh my god No way Jose No way He would never In a million years Dee Madness Loves eating pussy Am I right Dee Yes Yes, absolutely. You could tell because he looks the other direction when he said yes. Okay, Red Band. Alvin, I love your style, man.

1:57:12How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about 14 years, but I've been a comedian for about four years. I love it. So explain to me how you've been doing stand-up for 14, but a comedian for four. That's confusing. Someone ate a Delta 8 edible before his set. Because prior to four years ago, So I was just getting up saying anything. I didn't really have no structure to what I was doing.

1:57:33Brian Redban:Wow, I love that. Look at that. That's the first time anybody's ever answered super honestly on the show. That is incredible. Thank you. Very smart. I grew up in church. AKA, he was on papers. So Alvin Perry, what do you do for work? Well, two years ago, I quit my job to pursue comedy full time, which was foolish.

1:57:58so i started a handyman business so i haul junk and i fix stuff okay professional robber okay um is that is that your like work gear you're wearing yeah yeah yeah yeah i came from work yeah yeah when i saw that shirt i was like that's construction color i thought young spence got away from the car yeah yeah not in that shirt you can't they'll see Well, it's like a jumpsuit for jail. So, Alvin, this is your own business that you started two years ago? Well, I mean, it's not, you know, I ain't paying no taxes, so yes. Shut the fuck up.

1:58:41Brian Redban:They're not supposed to know that, bro. Alvin, are you based out of Austin? No, San Antonio. Okay, big night for San Antonio. Ain't anybody from San Antonio here? My people. Three black people. It's only an hour away. Is that where you're born and raised, San Antonio? Yes, sir. I love it. I love it, Alvin. What job did you quit two years ago to start this own business? I was working at a church. What were you doing at the church? I was a maintenance man. I was a maintenance survivor. And a sinner, too. You what? A sinner. A sinner. I used to jack off in the bathroom.

1:59:23He was like, just look at God. Won't he do it? Yes, he will. My God is a good God. Jack it off in the bathroom. Jack it off will kill Tony. I'm never going to eat pussy. Won't he do it? Yes, he will. Amazing. At least it was the bathroom. Yeah, if God was watching, he'd see some stuff he shouldn't have seen. Well, I mean, what else did he see? You put a finger up your butt or something? You get into your girl's box, bring a little something to the church with you? No, I just watch porn and just jack off. That's all. What kind of porn do you like to watch, Alvin? What do you put in that search bar when you're looking for something good?

2:00:16That's my way of avoiding the question. I'm going to ask it again.

2:00:23Red band here is implying that you might like bigger women. Or bestiality. No, I like all type of porn. But I mostly only watch black men having sex with anybody. Okay. Anybody that's what?

2:00:39Brian Redban:This way you can put yourself in the position of the black man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you say anybody. Any woman. Yeah, right. I know any woman. But, like, you must have some type of preference. But, no, I particularly like lesbian porn also. That's, like, my main thing. Okay. I mean, can you imagine what fucking Zach Myers would do with lesbian porn? Let's just think about that for a second. Just two women eating each other's pussies. I mean, that must be hell for that guy. Can you imagine? He's like, this is so gay. this is the gayest thing i've ever seen now lesbian point is dope though no no we agree with you my dear friend you should have seen this other guy though he would have hated it yeah he would have to watch it like the end of clockwork orange with his fucking yeah and then they have like a seismograph hooked up to his dick to see if it gets hard at all yeah he was the only other comedian that did good out of the really good out of the bucket tonight I appreciate that.

2:01:37Brian Redban:I appreciate that. No, you and the other guy, I'm saying, he had a great interview, and then we found out he absolutely refuses to eat pussy. What are your thoughts about this? That is crazy. That's what I was saying. You want to know what he said, Alvin? You want to know what he said? What he said? He said that eating pussy, get ready for this, is gay. Homosexual. Yeah. He must know that that's like reverse psychology or something. That's right. I've been eating pussy and ass for a long time. I love that. Alvin and ass. That's the next level. Pussy and ass. Tell us more about your pussy and ass eating.

2:02:17Even if you taste some pussy and it tastes like a 9-volt battery, you still keep going. No, no. Yo, Tony, can I say something? It's not the pussy. Let me say something. He's a pussy. Once you start doing this shit with pussy, he's like, when you're eating pussy and ass, She became Italian for a minute. The first time I ate some ass, like I had been hearing about it and I was like, fuck it, let me try it. Yeah. So I called my girlfriend. She was like, I got out the shower and I was like, perfect, because you don't want to eat an ass the first time, but it's nasty. Correct. Yeah, so once I tasted that ass, it was cool.

2:02:53I was like, yeah. I like this. It's like blue cheese. I like this. This is the shittiest story I heard this whole show. This is incredible. It doesn't taste like a battery because your teeth taste that way. You know what I'm saying. And D Madness. You can lick a hemorrhoid like a clit. It's the same thing. I don't know why you keep taking shots at D Madness over here. You're doing so well.

2:03:16Brian Redban:D's show when you love. I love it. Alvin Perry. So you eat pussy, you eat ass. I mean, all the boxes are checked here. You're absolutely amazing. This is a new level of black man. I've never heard a black man go public and say they eat pussy and ass. It's incredible. First you guys had a president of the United States. Now you're eating pussy and ass. Who knows what's next? It looks like things are looking up for the black man. America's healing. That's right. I'm about to have you on the secret show Thursday. Whoa, look at that.

2:03:52Absolutely. Alvin, you're an instant legend on this show. We hope you keep signing up. Come back for more, all right? I appreciate that. There goes the great Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Joel Cash, everybody. Joel Cash.

2:04:20If you like penis collages. That's it. That's the song my sister sings. My name's Joel Cash. I'm from Indiana. It's better to be from it than in it. I grew up with a dad who says stuff that I can't tell if it's really idioms or if it's just shit my dad says. Like if he's hungry, he'll say, I'm so hungry I could fall through my butthole and eat myself. And if you tell him you're hungry, he'll say, find a corner and bite the wall.

2:04:57People used to come to my mom for advice because their lives were falling apart. I say used to because my mom is not alive anymore. That, well, you know, I don't know if you know that's how this works. You don't stay alive forever. But I'm getting in awe about that. But no, but she used to get a lot of people coming to her when their lives are falling apart. and, you know, you can't call... I can't call my mom to talk about my mom dying, but I can talk to my dad about his 102-year-old mother that still lives with him. Joel Cash using all of his time. I heard an actual empty can drop during your set.

2:05:35That's how you know things aren't going so good. I like when you're having a tough set and then you do the classic showbiz bailout of reminding everyone they're going to die.

2:05:44Brian Redban:That's classic vaudeville. I didn't expect an awe about that. It happens, Joel. It happens. Welcome to Kill Tony. This is your first time on, correct? How long have you been on stand-up? Four weeks. Four weeks. How old are you? 44. What made you want to start four weeks ago? I'm in a place where I can do that. Austin, Texas. Yeah, we just moved here. Who's we? My family, my wife and three kids. Oh, nice. Congratulations. What do you do for work? I'm a dog trainer. Wow, a dog trainer. Really? Are you good at it? I'm better at it than I am at this. You can still really suck at it. Hey. I really can.

2:06:22You're not wrong. As a dog trainer, have you ever said, don't worry, I'm going to put this bitch in its place? No, you're not supposed to say bitches anymore about dogs, I guess. God, the woke left. I know. Really something else.

2:06:37Brian Redban:Joel, you're able to make a full-time living training dogs? Yeah. And where were you before Austin, Texas? We were in Indiana. What part of Indiana? The part you don't want to be in, so. Indiana. Gary? Indiana. No. No, that's the part nobody wants to be in. No, I'm from West Lafayette. Do they eat pussy in West Lafayette? They do. How long have you been with your wife? A long, long time. 26 years? 26 years. Holy fucking shit. Wow. 44. Is that the only woman you've ever been with? Okay. All right. Oh, shit. Dog training is wild out there. But here's my point that I'm getting at. This is a pussy-eating heavy episode.

2:07:18I heard that, yeah. They warned you? I think, well, I mean, I live in Austin. I've been going to the mics, and that's all a lot of these dudes talk about is how they're scared of eating pussy, which is just a...

2:07:29Brian Redban:That's a thing that's happening? It's totally a thing. You hear a lot of these dudes say that, and it's kind of funny because that's just a way of telling everybody that you're gay. Yeah, absolutely. You know what, Joel? Maybe I need to earn it. What? Oh, earn it. You can't just go out eating pussy. Earn it. Yeah. Work for this island. 26 years you're with the same woman. Obviously you're a pussy eater. Give us some more advice on how to keep things fresh in the bedroom for 26 years with the same human being. How do you do it? You listen. Whoa. You fucking listen and you ask questions. Wait, what did you say?

2:08:07Fucking listen and you ask questions. Man, that's the gayest shit I've ever heard in my life. Listen to a woman. All right. Wow. Wow. Old Donnell no-come-Rollins over here. I got yelled at recently for calling a woman a woman. What happened there exactly? I went to an open mic where I, you know, wasn't just like 12 dudes named Brayson. And I was like, you know what? Thank you for doing this. I'm really excited about it. It's nice to get my material up in front of a room full of women. And she just goes, don't call us women. I didn't know that was a thing you couldn't say. Wow. I called my sister and I asked her about it and she said, I don't know about that, but I mean, female is one that bothers me because it makes you feel like you're less than male.

2:08:51And I'm like... But you like that because you're a dog guy. Yeah, I just don't think it makes sense that female is less than because if anything, you're adding iron, which is a coagulant.

2:09:02Coagulant sound like some sticky cum. I just got some... Well, coagulant, coagulant. Wasn't that one of the emperors of Rome or some shit? I knew Donnell was going to have some... Coagulant. Wasn't that the emperor that lit the city on fire or some shit? That's the guy. I got something like Caligula in there. Caligula. Caligula lady. That's right. Yeah, no, I mean, I don't know what it's like to get my period, but, I mean, I know my period. Just say what the fuck you want to say. I did. What? All right. I know my periodic table.

2:09:33Brian Redban:That's all I'm saying. Joel. What's going on right now? I said weird shit, man. Speaking of periods, you're getting a little red joke book, my friend. if this is something you want to do keep practicing, sign up again sometime I will the bucket works in mysterious ways there's your first Kill Tony appearance by Joel Cash four weeks into his career I'm going to be honest with you I'm going to be honest with you guys I had this one sat aside for me this name, sat aside for me the entire episode because I'm so excited to bring up this comedian make some noise for the long awaited return of Juanita.

2:10:17Yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo, yo. Yo, you fucking set me up, son. Yo, you set me up, son. You set me up, son. Ladies and gentlemen. Hey, boo. Wait for the interview. 60 seconds uninterrupted. One more time for Juanita, everybody.

2:10:49I am a transgender woman. Woo! I am brave. Buying$13 dresses at Ross is brave. How many of you in here have a vagina? Makes noise.

2:11:09Lucky!

2:11:21Dude, I want one so bad. I want a pussy so bad. There's women getting, like, a surgery called vagioplasty. They're trimming their lips off. And I'm over here like, you gonna finish that?

2:11:43I'm trying to get a little to-go box.

2:11:49Donnell, box is a euphemism for vagina.

2:11:55Juanita, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that might not know. Here we go from eating pussy to Juanita. Here, Donnell, I don't want to cockblock you. You want my chair? No, I'm good.

2:12:15You are an asshole! I was this. I knew you was doing something. You was like this. Let's stop talking about eating pussy. Let's get to the dick. For those of you that don't know, the last time Juanita and Donnell were on stage,

2:12:35Brian Redban:Juanita talked about how nobody wants to fuck me, basically kind of set up, you know, we, what was it? We won't. Hold on. No, it was, it was something kind of like that. Right, Juanita? I thought I was talking about how I dropped out of high school and I joined a touring Catholic ministry. Right, but then the joke was we will, what was it? You say it. Oh, I said, we will. You don't have to sing it. Don't sing it because YouTube sets it off. we will praise you and then like he said we will we will fuck you right black guys that's not what i said yes it is that's not what the fuck i said no hold on donnell shut the fuck up donnell donnell where are the receipts i got her the the setup was basically no one wants to fuck me blah blah then she did the song and then you said on behalf of black men we will we will fuck you And then I go, Donnell, she has a penis.

2:13:35And Donnell was in shock. Because Donnell realized that four million people were about to see him say that he will fuck Juanita, who he thought was a woman because she didn't mention anything about being trans at all. Donnell got tricked like a motherfucker. I was using my peripheral vision. I said, I live in the Midwest, and I know some bitches from Dollar General that look like Juanita. That's what I said. And then I was like this. And then I was like, oh, I didn't talk to you. You were so happy, son. And I was like, because I'm going to tell you. I did say that. Oh, the whole room was. On behalf of the Black people, I was like, we will.

2:14:21And I was like this. I had white veins coming out of the scene. Oh, he was ready. I was like, we will fuck you. Yeah. Tony sat back like this.

2:14:32Wait until you get a load of that. Then the next thing you know, Juanita was in my DM for three motherfucking weekends. Talking about weekend going on the road together. I was like, I don't need time to kill, son. I was like, you're moving too fast, Juanita. And he was like this, Donnell, I'm going to open for you one day. He had a dress on with his dick. I was like, no, Juanita, no. Oh, my God. But for your fans that want to try to be like, yeah, you were talking to Juanita. What I think I respect, where you came from, where you going or whatever. And it was fucking, the shit you said was funny.

2:15:11I didn't take it personal.

2:15:12Brian Redban:Oh, it was. I did block you for the first two weeks.

2:15:19Made you turn your mind. Yeah. And then all of a sudden your curiosity got the best of you. No, shut the fuck up. I'm a pussy eater.

2:15:31I'm from the Sam Kinison era of pussy eat well you be careful she's one go fund me away from having you eat her pussy you're gonna be practicing the Koran what fucking happened to our bond I'm not sure just like white people you switched on me that quick sorry man remember these days my goodness let's do it remember those days

2:15:59Juanita, let me start off by saying this we've had you on this show, obviously out of the bucket numerous times tonight was a special occasion I don't even think hold on, don't do that, don't do that it messes up the YouTube I don't want to have to pay the fucking Supremes for this episode or whoever sang that fucking song the jokes were very good too I was just going to say, Juanita

2:16:24Brian Redban:I mean, it's incredible. It's almost a night and day difference. You've always been very interesting during the interviews, obviously. But tonight's set was fucking rock solid. It shows that you've been practicing. Thank you. It was fucking hilarious. That's my favorite trans minute I think we've ever had. Why are you looking at me like this? Do you want me to say something special? She's really funny, Donnell. And you have a lot of road dates coming up, including hilarities, the MGM Grand. I mean, Vegas. Vegas. I will say this. They tried this, not this, but they've tried to use things against me like, yeah, we heard what you were, you and Juanita.

2:17:04That's my impression of your fans. Yeah. No, that's the fucking Breakfast Club. That's those people hating on you. No, no, your fans would be like this. They were mean to me, you know. No, they're hilarious. They're mean to me. No, they're mean to everybody. They called me Dave Chappelle's Butt Club for three years. That's nice. Tony, Dave Chappelle's butt plug. Like, I just pop out of Dave's ass like, I'm rich, bitch! They are mean to me and you fucking know it. We said the same thing about Matt Muelling today. He gets a new nickname every episode. We called him the human butt plug. I know they ain't shit.

2:17:42Brian Redban:They are mean to me. Juanita, clearly you've been practicing a lot. You've been doing a lot of work. Tell Donnell which city you want to go to. I'll put you on the show. I want to go to L.A. Nah, nigga.

2:18:01We going to Ohio, nigga. We going to San Francisco, nigga. We going to Ohio, nigga. Not today, devil. Not today, devil. Fuck that, nigga. We ain't doing that, nigga. Not today. My God is a good God. I can't take Juanita to LA. I can take her to San Francisco. I can take her to the West Village. I can't take that bitch to Compton. I can't take that bitch to Watt.

2:18:43Won't he do it? Yes, he will.

2:18:48Not today, devil. not today even a blind man can see that's not a good idea that thing like this i don't think you should do that don't do that i ain't seen one needed but i felt boys the other week

2:19:10you offered

2:19:15she said los angeles oh my god you could have said any other city

2:19:34Oh, my God. You know what, Donnell? I have bad news, Donnell. You are no longer the worst guest in the show's history. That was absolutely incredible. The no N-word on L.A. Can I say this? You guys understand why that's hilarious, right? It's a city of beautiful people and the industry of show business. You can't really be walking around with the lovely Juanita. Can I have a moment? Yes, absolutely. I want to have a moment that I tried to... Rob Schneider ruined it the last time we were here. I was trying to tell you how much I love you. Listen, and I'm telling you, I should not give a fuck about these people.

2:20:24But I do. For four years, every time I've done this show, I...

2:20:34Okay, I'm going to get emotional. For five years... Five years. From the pandemic when nobody wanted to do this fucking show. Nobody wanted to do it back then. I stood up for you. You. That is true. You. True, true, true. And I showed up for you and nobody wanted to show up. It was only William Montgomery. That is true. And how you paid me back, you told all these assholes and assholes and assholes that... Listen up, motherfuckers. I was the walk-off king. Walk-off. You told people I crashed out. Crashed out legendary. You went on Joe Rogan's podcast and you fucking doubled down. And all these white people believed you.

2:21:28White people believe you, Tony. They disconnected with me, fucking Tony. And I said, I just want to be here. I said. And for four fucking years. Four fucking years. I've been trying so much to get this fucking Kill Tony audience to like me. Kill Tony audience. Appreciate me. Kill Tony audience. And when I did. When I did. I tried to appease these crackers. Appease the crackers. And I do know what appease means, and I can use it in a sentence. Appease. They said, fuck you. They went on a fucking Instagram post. A core moment with my fucking son. I never told you this, Tony, but...

2:22:27I was teaching my son how to ride a bike. And I thought I was safe from the criticism from your fucking audience. The audience that you built for 15 fucking years. And they went on the page with my son at a court moment, and they said, well, I'm glad his son finally learned how to ride a bike, because when his dad walks out of his life...

2:23:05and the last memory your fucking audience has with me is me saying we will we will fuck you they know it thank you That wasn't for you, Juanita. Shut the fuck up, nigga.

2:23:30I'm still the real nigga, Juanita. Shut up.

2:23:37Oh, my God. You're fucking, you're literally killing me tonight, Dono. Oh, my God. This chemistry that you and Juanita have is... There's no chemistry. There's no fucking chemistry. This is it. You guys are unreal. Don't shake your fucking head. Absolutely incredible. Ramp is like, we're going to make a million dollars. What the? Yo! Hey, yo! What the fuck is going on?

2:24:11Oh, my God. No, it's not. No, put it down.

2:24:20If you want a gun, Juanita's got one between her legs. Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!

2:24:30Got a little nine millimeter there waiting for you. Smash and grab it! We're in Texas. The lovely Juanita, congratulations. Here's a big joke book. check out Juanita has a podcast called the whiskey hole right you have a podcast a podcast a live show that's not all she has Heidi you did this to me we'll just put that there for now oh my god I'm surprised that's not loaded well that would have been so fucking cool if I would have killed Tony It would have been crazy. Like the Bruce Lee shit? Many people dream of such a situation. Juanita, congratulations. Thank you so much. The lovely Juanita, everybody.

2:25:24Thank you. Believe it or not, we have one last comedian that just comes in and absolutely crushes. We are his biggest fans. You are his biggest fans. I mean, he's a freak of nature. He is, you know, he has to write and perform. I don't trust you anymore, bro. Yeah, who's next? Joanna Man?

2:25:56And you was all night, you was like, our next guest coming up. You are evil friends. Our final comedian of the night is truly one of the best in the world. right now. He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. We get to all just sit our mics down and enjoy the anomaly. The real deal. This is Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen.

2:26:31Folks!

2:26:53Thank you. Folks, I'm an old school kind of guy, you know? So the first time a gal told me to slide in her DMs, I was like, I'd prefer your cunt. What's DM stand for? i'm an american sweetheart only things i slide into are home plate and you know what i'm saying

2:27:31ended up taking her out on a date she told me she was looking to settle down i was like good you haven't stopped talking take a xanax i'm sick of this

2:27:52And you know, some people are starting to have AI chatbot girlfriends now. And in 2024, a young man in Florida was convinced to kill himself by one. Just like a real woman. The technology is getting there. Slowly but surely. Okay, thank you. Holy shit. Wow.

2:28:18Pat, I'm an enormous fan. I love that you tell funny jokes. Thanks, Tim. Good man. It is absolutely incredible, Pat. That is, I can say with basically, I don't think any hesitation, I do believe that is the loudest pop and the longest, loudest pop from the crowd I've ever heard. to watch it grow every single week is absolutely incredible. What's happening with the industry and how things are, the fact that we have a weekly show and you come out and slaughter, to watch your growth is incredible. To watch you be able to follow those expectations and have us all cracking up when I thought I was unable to laugh after Donnell told Juanita...

2:29:06Your girlfriend's looking good. You know what? No homo, I'm still thinking about Juanita right now. But I will say the last time I was here, I don't really... I watch the show, but I don't see that, like, every week. And, like, the way these people received you, even the last time I was here, you cracked a joke on me, and it was fucking funny. And now I'm seeing you like, you got bitches now. Thank you, sir. Do you have bitches? Seeing you with bitches is confusing as shit. I'm standing like you and you're like haha how did he ever do that but I see your growth you're doing well for yourself I mean I can't say anything other there's nothing that I can say after the Juanita shit that part unbelievable but I will say you're a funny motherfucker thank you Don Alex shout out Top Dog Law too I got the references thank you brother Pat are you going on the road are you doing road dates yeah yeah I'm going starting next week in Tulsa have you done that got most of them sold yeah yeah Fuck yeah.

2:30:08Tulsa. Oklahoma. One person's going to jail with you tonight. Yeah, fuck yeah, Tulsa. Pat, you are the absolute fucking man. You have a podcast. He's going to kill you in Tulsa. Thank you, bro. His podcast. I'm just going to look this way. The podcast is Ray Guitards. He's on tour. He's on the Killers of the Company late this year. throughout next year coming up, for sure. I know that for a fact. Pat O 'Neill is taking over everything.

2:30:44Brian Redban:Can I say something, Tony? Yes, absolutely. Pat, you take this so seriously. You're not blowing the opportunity. I just really admire that you're using this platform to be funny and tell jokes. Thank you, Sam. You were so nice. The other episode, you're on fucking... It's very cool. It's very hard. Donnell was on when I got the golden ticket, and Sam was on when I got regular. Wow. Fucking cool, yeah. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. Wow. That's unbelievable. I had no idea. What a wild coincidence. And Pat, I mean, it is unbelievable to see what's happening here. And with the expectations, like I said, it's hard to stay number one.

2:31:23Brian Redban:It's hard, whether it's UFC, boxing, stand-up, obviously, as we saw this weekend, football, the number one team, the Ohio State Buckeyes lost to the Texas Longhorns. It's hard to stay, number one, in my mind, and I think anybody with fucking common sense, watching a weekly show, the fact that you're not chilling and kind of phoning it in or anything, you're riding the wave, being competitive with yourself. I think you see you're only competing with yourself, which is what everybody's doing in art. No, he's competing with Juanita tonight. But you are the absolute man. I can't say it enough. The great Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen.

2:32:03Thank you both. Thank you all so much. Thank you. I've had, ever since Juanita asked to go to L.A. and you told her no, my nose has been leaking. Like, I have a slow nose leak from, I think I blew a blood vessel in my brain from laughing. And I saw Troy over my shoulder. You have pictures of that, don't you? I went that way for some reason. When shit gets crazy, I go that way. How about a hand for Donnell Rawlings, ladies and gentlemen. at DonnellRawlings.com, MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend, Cleveland Hilarities, October 16th and 17th, the Donnell Rawlings show available everywhere. You are unbelievable.

2:32:42I've always loved you. I fucking love you more than ever. You are just a freak of nature. I appreciate our friendship, and I appreciate what you do for comedy, giving people the platform to fucking shine. Hell yeah. I appreciate it. One more time for the great and powerful, one of the greatest guests in the history of the show, Sam Tallent, everybody. That is Tallent with two L's. His website is samtalent.com. Brute is an unbelievable novel. I'm positive of this. He is a fucking brilliant mind. He is a genius. If you've ever enjoyed a book in your life, pre-order Brute right now.

2:33:20Brian Redban:It's available on sale everywhere September 22nd, but pre-order it now. Show your love. He's made you laugh tens and tens of times as a guest on this show. he's also at hilarities on wait do I have your dates mixed up I'm at hilarities this weekend you heard it here I made him laugh tens of tens of times no you've been on the show tens and tens of times that's what I would say one more time for the great Sam Talent everybody that's Talent with two L's he is the man we have Dallas shit next Saturday That is Saturday, September 26th in Dallas. We are in Houston, October 17th. We are in Vegas at the MGM Grand, November 13th and 14th.

2:34:10Those are huge shows. And of course, New Year's Eve at the Moody Center, doing an arena in our hometown for the fourth year in a row. Red Band? And check out the Sunset Strip right next door. SunsetstripATX.com, secret show every Thursday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all sitting around laughing. Whoa, Joe Rogan. Oh, my goodness. Our dear cult leader. Our dear cult leader, Joe Rogan. We bend the knee. We sacrifice babies for Joe. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

2:34:56I love you.

2:35:25Wasted, let's go

2:35:55Thank you.

2:36:27Thank you.