#787 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + JEREMIAH WATKINS

20:42Brian Redban:Oh, yeah. That's all right. Sometimes when she's asleep, I'll put chocolate chips on them. Hell, yeah. She wakes up, I'm like, I love it. Or if you go to Dick's Sporting Goods, they have air mattresses and they have those patch kits. You can just stick them on. That's a good point. How much bigger did she go? Give us a ballpark here. She had like B's before maybe? Yeah, maybe they're C's now. The doctor actually did put in like one size bigger than she wanted her to. Hell yeah, they give you a little wink after that? Oh yeah, I wasn't complaining, believe me. I'm like, keep going, keep going. That's amazing.

21:22I'm not like a doctor, you know that. Right. What? But Bob Biggercock, when you have a... When a woman gets the fake ones put in, can she still lactate? Can those breasts produce milk, Bob Biggerballs? No. Pardon me? That's not the worst I've been called. No. I mean, I'm not a doctor either, but... No, no, no, they cannot make milk. Okay. Yeah. She also has to be pregnant.

21:51Brian Redban:Are you a Dr. Redband? Sometimes. We do. We have called him Dr. Redband quite a few times. You have? Redband's the kind of guy that would take fake tits and put a juice box of milk next to the fake tits and suck on the straw of the juice box to pretend like there's milk inside the fake tits. Chocolate milk. Wow. I've seen that movie. You're like a dairy queen. Redband's seen it all. Have you ever sucked on a nipple-less tit before? No, I actually have not. But I've seen tattoos, though. They have these realistic tattoo artists that make it look like they have huge areolas. Yeah, she didn't get that.

22:29Oddly enough, they...

22:33The way they tied them up, it looks like she has nipples. It's like a balloon knot. It's just all the same color.

22:41Brian Redban:Oh. Yes, it looks just like a butthole, Red Band. My wife's nipples look just like a butthole. Bob Biggerstaff definitely knows Red Band's brand of humor. Everything turns into a butthole. Believe me, I got plenty of stories about buttholes. Let's hear one. We love a good butthole story, Bob Biggerstaff. A few years ago, I lost like 60 pounds. You know how I did it? How? Cancer. Oh, you had it too. Oh, my goodness. In the funniest place you can get it. The butthole. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. That's red cancer. In the butthole. Wow. Colorectal cancer. Damn. How old were you? I'm all right. Well, I'm 54 now.

23:24I was like 51. Okay. Do you still have a butthole or do they feel like you? I do. No, everything works. I'll show it to you guys later if you want. Wow. Everything works. I had a bag on my stomach for like five months. Man, you don't realize how much you miss pooping out of your butt. Yeah. until you can't do it for five months. That is incredible.

23:46Brian Redban:This is Red Band's dream interview. Yeah, it is incredible. He's like, what? Go on. Well, let me tell you, when I got the bag removed and they reopened the new butthole, I got to tell you, I'm not embarrassed to say, that first dump I took out of that new butthole, I came a little bit. Wow. That's incredible. Is it a better butthole? Like, is it bigger? No, no, no. I mean, they didn't actually do anything in my butthole. the surgery i don't know what that was the surgery they actually they use robots they went through my stomach do you know how much you have to fuck up your butthole to when they're fixing it they're like eh we'll just go through the front wow that's incredible god do you have any like jolly leukemia stories you can share with us i mean it all worked out you guys you ever see let me ask you guys this you ever see at the hospital they'll show somebody like on the news and they're ringing a bell at the hospital.

24:43You guys know what that means when they show them ringing a bell? What does it mean? Cancer-free. Oh. No. That is not what it means. That's what I thought it meant. It just means you're done with chemotherapy or radiation. So they had me ringing the bell, and I'm like, but I still have to have surgery. And they're like, just ring the fucking bell for the video.

25:03Brian Redban:Oh, interesting. Yeah, it could be that bell. That bell's better than that bell, that's for sure. I think that was lunchtime. Well, Bob, thank you so much for coming on. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. And here's a big joke, buddy. I can do that. Hell yeah. Bob Biggerstaff, the Kilcone debut of Bob Biggerstaff, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along here. Jeremiah, you don't have to worry about that. You just...

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26:45Brian Redban:So go make it one. Start your free trial at shopify.com slash killtony. Start your free trial at shopify.com slash killtony. We know this next bucket bowl. Very funny, man. Good to see the return of Mario Tonti, everybody. But here comes Mario with a brand new minute. I hate when people tell you their beliefs on a bumper sticker. Like one time I saw this bumper sticker that had a red circle and a slash going through a swastika. It's like that's cool that it's crossed out, but there's still a swastika on your car. Like very visibly too, like you can see right through the slash there's a big swastika on your bumper.

27:28You don't need to say that. Like, I get what you're going for, but, like, it's implied, you know? Like, I just assume that most of you don't love Hitler. You don't have to advertise it on your car. But, like, it at least makes sense to cross out a swastika like that. But it wouldn't work with other racist things. Like, it wouldn't work if you put a red circle and a slash going through the N-word spelled out.

28:00You'd be like, oh, I can't tell what side that person's on. Are they...

28:07Are they against the word or are they racist? I can't tell. Unless it's plural, then they're for sure racist.

28:19Like, is that a bumper sticker or a bumper sticker? I'm not sure. All right, guys, thanks.

28:26Brian Redban:Fantastic, Mario Tanti. What I love about that set is halfway through, I was getting a little worried for you, but the payoff on that one was very real. Thank you. Sometimes they leave me hanging on that first part. Yeah. It was great, though. Thanks, guys. The payoff was legit on that one. Very smart, funny joke. How's life going, Mario? We know you. You've been doing stand-up, what, now? Five, six years? I'm about seven and a half. Seven and a half. Wow, that's time. They grow up so fast. Yep. What's been going on? I live here in Austin. I've been here for, like, five years. I work at a restaurant.

29:01I work at Sunset. That's right. Life's good. I have a girlfriend. Things are good. Nice. How long have you been with a girl? A little over five years now.

29:08Brian Redban:Oh, wow. Five years. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom, Mario? A guy like you, I'm guessing you like to bust out a little finger skateboard or something like that? Yeah, I got nice long fingers. I'm good with my mouth, too. Oh, nice. Good tongue stuff. I'm sorry. That was gross. I shouldn't have said that. No, it was great. It was great. There was a guy on last week that had an unbelievable set and interview, and then we found out he is anti-pussy eating and he basically got booed off the stage. Oh, you have to. Yes, you absolutely have to. Yeah, he literally almost got a golden ticket and then he's like, by the way, I hate eating pussy.

29:41Brian Redban:The crowd's like, fuck you. Take the golden ticket back. Yeah, no, it was wild. Mario, what else is going on in life? Any new hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, I've become obsessed with Legos for the last year. Ooh. I got a Lego set for my birthday last year and now I have like a fucking whole shell amount of room for Legos. And it's been a fun hobby. My friends make fun of me for it. They're like, oh, you're autistic. And I'm like, it's my fucking first hobby in 20 years. And all my friends are calling me a retard for it. Tell us some of the things that you've built. The world wants to know, what have you built out of Legos?

30:13A lot of Mario sets, both Mario and Luigi carts, the Game Boy, all the Mario. I'm out of Mario sets. I got them all. My girlfriend.

30:22Brian Redban:Yeah, the girlfriend is made out of Legos, ladies and gentlemen. This is breaking news. We actually do have a Lego of me and her. It's pretty cool. Oh, my God. Do you ever eat her little Lego pussy? Not yet, but I'm going to go home and kiss it tonight for sure. You ever put syrup on it and pretend it's an Eggo pussy? Not yet. You will. I've heard you're not. You will. When she's not in the mood, does she ever put a bumper sticker on her crotch and tell you to F off? Yeah, a big circle over it now. Not tonight. It's period night. Yeah, that's the red slash, the fucking period. I was joking. Oh, I'm sorry.

30:57Brian Redban:I'm an idiot. I love it. Mario, you look good. You're hilarious. You did it again. Red band. Mario, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Bum, bum, bum, bum.

31:13Brian Redban:Oh, here's a big joke book, Mario. Here you go. Thank you. Mario Tanti, ladies and gentlemen. Nice. All right, we're keeping it moving. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Ronnie Roarback, everyone. Here comes Ronnie Roarback.

31:32Did you guys hear I Scott someone yesterday? Holy shit, my mom texted me. She's white, and she goes, hey, your aunt and uncle are worried about you. Bitch, you're not? And, like, honestly, what does she have, like, a life insurance policy out on me she hasn't told him about me? She's like, I hope they mistake him for illegal. And, like, the worst part is, like, I think my mom cares about me, but she doesn't. Because the other day, she goes, she called me over, and I was helping her in the bathroom. She put a blood pressure cuff on my arm, and she put it, and it was perfect reading. And she's like, fuck!

32:10I went home, she sent me a care package of Doritos and popcorn. This bitch wants me to die just to prove a point? oh no honestly it is cool i just celebrated 10 years of my citizenship i've lived here for 27 years

32:32my parents didn't tell me like they didn't tell me about like they saw the wounded armor like we could get him on a discount ah shit what's up guys okay that's the way that a dismount there

32:45Brian Redban:he is, Ronnie Rohrbeck. You've been on this show correct, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, welcome back, Ronnie. Hell yeah, you are absolutely adorable. I didn't know that they... By the way, this is one of Mario Tanti's Lego creations, everyone. This is an Ewok from Star Wars, built out of Legos. Mario stepped on the left arm at one point and cracked one of the blocks. And it's a little bit janky here. Ronnie, remind us, what's going on with that wacky left-handed? I got cerebral palsy of my left arm and leg. Oh, shit. You know what that means. You're going to be a star. Welcome, Ronnie. How long have you been doing stand-up?

33:23Brian Redban:Almost seven years now. Wow. Tell us where. What part of San Antonio have you been doing this in? Shit, I wish I started to Detroit. Ah, the San Antonio of the North. Oh, yeah. Welcome, welcome. So, you're from Detroit? Yep. Okay. Well, I mean, like, I was adopted by white people, but they brought me to Detroit, yeah. That's amazing. And you're originally from where? Guatemala. Wow, they adopted you from Guatemala. Very lateral move. Hell yeah, very interesting. Very interesting move. A white couple from Detroit went to Guatemala, and you already had cerebral palsy, so they were really, they were double dipping there.

34:06I don't know, because, like, my dad, he would always threaten to send me back.

34:10Brian Redban:Oh, wow. That's how you became a comedian. That's how it happens. Our senior cerebral palsy correspondent, Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. No, I'm fascinated. I'm looking at your hand, and I'm like a fish looking at a fishing lure. I can't stop staring at it. And if you don't mind me asking about it, because your middle finger's doing stuff that I haven't even seen at a Cirque du Soleil show, would you do me a favor, my guy, and just flip me off with that middle finger? Oh, man. I feel like I'm being flipped off by Salvador Dali right now. Wow. Can you pick your nose, but with this hand, and it picks the other side?

34:54I wish. I can't get it up there, man. It's like it bottoms out. Well, maybe Pauly can help you later. Why would that be a thing, Harlan?

35:03Brian Redban:What? How could Pauly help him? I'm confused. Well, Pauly couldn't get it out either.

35:11Brian Redban:I bet if we rubbed some Viagra on that thing, you'd be able to get it up there, huh? That's amazing. I mean, I'm not making fun of it. It's actually quite fascinating, and it's fully functional. You look like you love popcorn. The sad part is I eat popcorn every fucking day. You're right. You do love popcorn? Oh, so much. Oh, my God. Tell us about this love of popcorn. See, this is what I love. When people give me information to work with, tell us. Well, because I've been doing a lot of research on this. You gotta go over the stove Pop popcorn And all this bag shit's gonna kill you And it never tastes as good The salt never sticks to the fucking kernels You gotta fucking do it the way you want to do it I pour fucking a pound of butter on that shit A pound of butter?

35:54Brian Redban:Oh my goodness, Jeremiah Watson Do you notice when he started talking about popcorn His fingers straightened out It's unbelievable It is unbelievable We found the pop secret to his condition Would it be cool for you to give us a demonstration of how you grab popcorn with that hand? Oh, my goodness. Crunch. Oh, my God. You're like Oroville Octopoppy. Dude, I feel like the popcorn, like, just looks at me. They feel like the claw from Toy Story. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. He's got to get me. Did you ever go to Toys R Us and just shoplift? I wish, man. Oh, you'd be great at it. See, the problem is, like, people won't treat cerebral palsy as a real disability.

36:37No? No, I can't even collect disability. So you're faking it? No, I'm not faking it. I don't even have my handicap sticker. Wait, what? You don't even have a hand. Forget about a stick.

36:49Brian Redban:Yeah.

36:53Brian Redban:That is amazing. Why do you not have a handicap sticker? How do you not qualify? Well, I mean, first of all, I just got health insurance like a week ago. Wow. And like, oh. But like, because I haven't been to the doctor in five years. And, like, I know I should be going to the doctor every year, but, like, it's hard to afford. Uh-huh. What do you do for work, my young Ronnie Rohrbeck? I do DoorDash. Okay. Oh, wow. Do those fingers ever get caught in the food on the delivery? It depends on the packaging and what they ordered. If it has cheese, no. But, like, I've been... Please tell us. The world wants to know the science behind a hungry DoorDash driver like yourself.

37:38Brian Redban:I, okay, so like... Just mad at the world. You spend most of your time with no health insurance. You don't have a handicap sticker. You're just out there DoorDashing, and you're a hungry little boy, aren't you? Oh, you're so hungry, aren't you? Oh, my goodness. The worst part is because, like, I hate when people don't give their gate codes right away because if you don't give your gate code right away, you're a piece of shit. And also for you. Yeah, exactly.

38:08I'm going to help you make more money, okay, buddy? I want to see you prosper. So this is what you do. You hand them the bag with the good hand, and you say, hey, can you give me an extra tip? I slam the car door on my finger. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah.

38:23Brian Redban:That's brilliant. You're going to be rich in about a week. Try it. Say that. Pretend like he's a DoorDash customer, and you say that. Have you got my P.F. Changs? Yes, here's your food. Thank you. Can I get an extra tip? I accidentally slammed the door on my bad hand. Holy fuck.

38:41Brian Redban:Amazing. It works. It works, Ronnie Vorbeck. Can you shoot webs? Yeah, I wish. I can't turn it over, man. Okay. That's the problem. I hate going to big events where there's stairs with no railings and my hands are full. I take forever to go down the steps. Oh, my goodness. I've had it where people were acting behind me. They would go, every time I'd take a step, they'd go, ah, ah. Whoa. Every step, I'd turn around and they were acting like they were starting the wave. Oh, my God. It's because your hands look like they were throwing up rival gang signs. Ronnie, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that is a master finger.

39:22Brian Redban:Shit, unexistent right now. Really? I've been focusing on comedy. I love it. How about just anything at all? Have you kissed a girl since you've been in Austin? Oh, yeah. Oh, perfect. Well, in that case. I'm disabled. I'm not fully fucking retarded, all right? All right, all right. Jesus. Okay. Sometimes it's a fine line. Have you given a girl a shocker? No, I haven't. You should try it. You've been married in a week. This is just my natural spacing, so I'm designed for this. Yeah. He gives the girl a shocker every time he whips out the other hand. She's like, whoa. Wow Are you on a bowling team?

40:01No, I should be I mean, I wouldn't mind it Because it's a one-handed sport That's why I like disc golf We talked about that before I will go any one-handed sport Where I can make an able-bodied person feel like shit I'm playing that sport

40:15Brian Redban:That is true I would beat the shit out of you in basketball Yeah, probably Yeah, no doubt about it I would do all these cool moves and stuff It'd be crazy Lay up, finger roll I bet you could be really good at shadow puppets You could do these weird Medusa things Because I always wanted to try to spill blood And everything with my bad hands But they move too much So I could never get the lettering down I'm a master of I'm famous for being able to make joke books In people's bad hands Can you put the microphone back in your right Put your hand up against your chest A little bit closer There you go Yeah, just like that.

40:56Brian Redban:And then you're just going to tighten it up when I get close to it, right? I'm going to get it right in there. Ready? Oh, shit. Fuck, my bad. That's crazy. Almost hit him in the fucking face. That's really bad, everybody. It's like OSU. All right. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Ronnie Rohrbeck, everybody. Cerebral palsy. Not stopping him.

41:25Brian Redban:Wait a second. Ronnie, get back out here. Uh-oh. Ronnie, get back out here. Come here. Grab that microphone. I was just informed by the leader of the band, the keyboardist John Dees, that you got a stripper pregnant last time you were on the show. I didn't get her pregnant. I nutted in her. Oh, you nutted in her. She didn't get pregnant. No, no, no, no. And, like, honestly, like I said, it wasn't my fault, all right? She was on top of me. I have a bad arm. I'm not going to throw her off of me. Unbelievable. Jeremiah. Also, he was able to get that mic out of the stand so much easier than Pauly.

42:08Brian Redban:Ronnie, you're all good, buddy. You crushed it. There he goes. Ronnie Rohrbeck, everybody. Yeah. Turns out Pauly's more handicapped than anybody that's been up here tonight. Hey, you know that feeling when you try to apply for something, maybe a car or an apartment, and you realize your credit just isn't there yet? I've been there. Back in the day, I had no idea how important credit was until I suddenly tried and ended up getting denied for everything. That's when I found Kickoff. I didn't need a miracle. I just needed to start somewhere. Kickoff is honestly the most straightforward way I've ever found to build credit.

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43:39Brian Redban:Late payments may negatively impact your credit score. Individual results may vary. Ladies and gentlemen, you can't make this stuff up. Your next comedian, I know this sounds crazy to you. I know it sounds like this is all made up and produced and nothing is real. But, you know, Now, when I come out here, I have a set lineup, right? It's all bucket pools. I have a bunch of dashes. And then there's some names that are just where they are, right? No matter who the last comedian was, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner. It's exactly where he was on my lineup. There was three dashes in between Pauly and this person.

44:23Brian Redban:This person, golden ticket winner. One of the best to ever be on this show as a golden ticket winner. This is a brand new minute. You can't make it up from the great Aaron Belisle, ladies and gentlemen.

44:39Let's see if you can grab the mic.

44:49Brian Redban:Keep it going for the great Aaron Belisle. Oh, yeah, better than Pauly. Better than, welcome to another episode of Better Than Pauly, everybody. the great Aaron Belisle now he has to get his phone out of his pocket here he comes it's a real here he comes everybody just keep it going one more time for Aaron Belisle

45:16I've been on planes constantly and TSA is so aggressive with the wheelchairs I say I don't want a wheelchair and they argue with me what do you mean you don't want a wheelchair Yes, you do. No, I fucking don't. And then they pull out their gun. And they're like, get in the fucking wheelchair.

45:41Have you ever tried to use a wheelchair with one hand?

45:56I got dumped in an airport and I was crying my eyes out on the plane, and the flight attendant walks up and asks me if I'm okay, and I tell her no, it's just heartbreak, and she says, Oh no, can I do anything? Do um, do you need a wheelchair?

46:13I started crying harder and I told her wheelchairs remind me of my ex. My ex wasn't in a wheelchair, but she let me do her in one so I didn't feel ashamed of myself. What if she did that for every plane emergency? Oh no, it's the Twin Towers? We are gonna need more wheelchairs. Imagine if she was a therapist. Oh no, he's gonna jump. What do we do? Quick, someone get a wheelchair. You have split personality disorder. Take two wheelchairs and call me in the morning. Oh, no, little buddy. Your uncle touched you. He can't get to your bum if you get in this wheelchair.

47:03Brian Redban:Fuck yeah, Aaron Belisle. Wheelchair heavy set.

47:10Brian Redban:Wheelchair you on after a set like that. How you doing, Aaron? I've been dating a Latina who went to the Renaissance Fair, and they take that shit seriously. They made her work as a housekeeper. took one look at me and tried to drown me in the river. Oh, shit. Wow. I love that. That's absolutely incredible. Hell yeah. Fucking, that's absolutely amazing. I was getting stopped every two minutes for a picture. I felt like Jesus to these nerds, except I can't walk on water or down a hill or up a hill. My point is, fuck hills. Absolutely. Fuck hills, no doubt about it. What else is going on, Aaron Belisle?

47:54Usually I come out here, and I make fun of Tony, but I'm not gonna do that today. Oh!

48:22and it was a good cut. He has me on his tours. He signed my work visa twice. He tried to get me a lawyer the first day we met. I'm literally selling out theaters in Canada next month and all I do for this man is insult him. That is sick. Can I please get a huge round of applause from my lesbian friend Tony Huston? Wow!

48:40Brian Redban:That's just nothing but compliments. What a rare treat. That's absolutely amazing. What a special... I love you, man. So I grew a goatee as a tribute to you. It's like mine isn't full of cum, and I don't talk like a dyke. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. I should have known it was coming. You evil bastard. I'm stealing your Bluetooth speakers after this. I don't want to hear another peep out of you. Do you guys want to see my impression of Harlan Williams? Ooh.

49:22Let me tell you how I have sex in a wheelchair. I roll her to the top of the stairs, right? But we need to be safe. I practice safe sex. So I turn her emergency brake on. Then I mount her with syrup and an Eggo waffle. Syrup and an Eggo waffle. And I glaze her up real nice. You got to glaze it. You know what I'm saying? Glaze her up real nice. Then when you're done, you take the brake off and push the chair. If that doesn't make you cum, I don't know what will my little cinnamon angel. Wow. That is an unbelievable impression. Do I get to do a joke back? Yeah. All right, buddy. You ever find a family in a Land Rover and chase them and pretend you're a Tyrannosaurus Rex?

50:12All the time.

50:15Brian Redban:Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, he's got something. He's cooking up something over there. Look at this. I make kids cry every day. Hell yeah.

50:29Yeah. Again, I was just fucking joking, guy.

50:36Dude, keep your mouth shut if you knew it was good for you, buddy.

50:39Brian Redban:Whoa! Look at that! Look at that. That is absolutely incredible. Master Impressionist, Aaron Belong. It's because I'm Canadian. We're both Canadians, so we're having a little, like, Canadian... Do you speak French? Do you speak French? Does your phone speak French? Le téléphone parlez-vous français? I'm not gay. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You will be. You will be. These are very real These are real hundred dollar bills Come on, I'm not a claw-handed freak

51:31Was that a laugh or was that another

51:35Brian Redban:The mighty Chewbacca Aaron, you are the man Is there anything else you have to say? Or that Harlan has to say? I wish he had one. You don't have any in French? Oh, here we go. Uh-oh. I'm not gay. Oh, my goodness. More money coming at you. The great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Aaron.

52:04Brian Redban:We love you, Aaron.

52:08Brian Redban:Hey, wait, let me see if I can make it the joke book in your crazy arm real quick. Aaron. Put your arm next to your chest real quick. I couldn't... No, it has to be closer to your chest. Like right up against your chest. Oh, Jesus. All right. It has to be like against your chest. Jesus Christ. I'll do the noise. Here, wait. Aaron, up here. Don't worry. You don't have to clean up the stage. Just closer to your chest. Here.

52:38Brian Redban:You need a medium one. Put it next to your... Now it's just becoming rude. Step right up. It's okay. I made him rich. It's all right. I made him rich. Aaron! All right, get out of here. There goes Aaron Belisle. Jesus Christ. These Canadians are so polite. They're like, let me clean up the fucking stage for you. No, it's all right. We're going to keep it moving along here. We have joke books everywhere. There's$100 bills in joke books everywhere. These comedians are very lucky tonight. Make noise for your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen. It's Glenn from New York, everybody. Here comes Glenn from New York.

53:21Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, Austin. I am Glenn from New York. I am 65 years old, and I have been married for 32 years. Don't applaud. You never met the bitch. Three decades plus with the same woman. I don't know how I freaking did it, okay? Women are batshit crazy. Everything I'm about to tell you, everything I am about to tell you is 100 % true. Okay, my wife, when I first met her, she was this beautiful girlfriend, looked just like Winona Ryder. A friend of mine told me, you want to know what your girlfriend's going to look like in 25 years? look at a picture of her mother i was it looked like she put her fucking face in a volcano but the but the worst part the worst part ladies and gentlemen is the sex stops okay when my wife hit fucking menopause that was the end of fucking i tried everything with her i tried uh making the bedroom with incense candles um i i asked her how her day was every day even though i didn't give a flying fuck thank you ladies and gentlemen thank you very much wow wow glenn from new york hello welcome glenn how are you hello welcome tony thank you very much this is the thrill of my life thank you so much i okay took a plane here at 6 a.m this morning uh-huh i got here here it comes I got here at 12, and at 5, I was dropped off here by my friends.

55:07And I'm going back home tonight. All for this bomb. Anyway, so, yeah, that's...

55:14Brian Redban:Okay, I love that you gave me your entire day itinerary. Well, you like to have stuff to talk about and ask questions. Okay. That's why I did it. All right, I got it. Okay, Glenn, let's talk about it. You're 65 years old. Yes. You're definitely from New York. Really? How can you tell? Go, go, go, go, go. Okay. You be quiet back there. D-Madness is leaving right now. Okay. So, Glenn, when did you start stand-up comedy? Long story, but I'll keep it short. I highly doubt that you're going to keep it short, but go ahead. I started stand-up years ago after my radio job. After it ended, I did a morning show for 12 years.

56:00The new owners bought the station. I was out of a job. I tried stand-up a couple times. It was great. It went, and I'm not going to brag, but it went a lot better than this. And what happened is the COVID hit, and that was the... No, wait. This is good. This is good. Keep going. COVID hit. Keep going. COVID hit. COVID hit. The economy tanked. My wife said that I have to apply for early Social Security. I felt like Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. Michael. It's okay. Glenn, let me take it over here. All right. I felt like I was disappearing, like, back to the future, being on early Social Security, which I did not want to do.

56:43Michael J. Fox is who you were. Michael J. Fox.

56:45Brian Redban:Not Michael Jackson. Big difference there. Yes, yes. Hell yeah. One of them shakes a lot. And the other is Michael J. Fox. Okay. I'm a dad with two kids And that's what I'm doing right now On early social security How old are the kids? My son is autistic, he's 21, he's non-verbal My daughter is 23 My son Is she autistic too or just one? No, no, no, she's not autistic too I love her My wife really wanted to have kids Pretty early And I just can't wait until she Spreads her legs and leaves the nest That's what I'm waiting for with my daughter. You want your daughter to spread her legs? It's a joke, Mr.

57:34Brian Redban:Hinchcliffe. Wow, I didn't know you were going to start doing those out of nowhere. Holy shit. What's your Instagram? Okay, very good. Red Band's disgusting, as always. I'll tell you. Can I tell you about my son? Sure, go ahead. My nonverbal son, because he's a lot funnier than his dad. When you get to my age at 65, sometimes when you pee, it's like jumping on a garden hose. So I'm peeing, right? My son comes in. He comes in, and he's peeing, and he's playing chuzzle at the same time while holding his dick. Wait, you're peeing and your son? No, no. He doesn't know etiquette, being autistic. Right.

58:13So he comes in while I'm doing the 65-year-old man pee. He's playing chuzzle with his left hand, and he's holding it. He's playing what? It's a video game with his phone in one hand. Oh, my God. Okay. And he looks at me, the 65-year-old guy doing, you know, with the... And then what happens? And then he looks at me and my nonverbal son says... He laughed at me. Oh, okay. That's adorable. Did you say you did radio for 15 years? No, I did it for 12 years, Canadian. And were there any commercials or did you just drone on constantly?

58:53Brian Redban:I'll tell you, it's 6.30 a.m. I woke up at about 4.15 today, got up and urinated. And then I heard a little pop. Turns out my wife had toast. My wife made me toast this morning. I'll tell you. She's going through menopause right now. She will not have sex with me. But the toast is extra crispy today, I'll tell you that. We put a little butter on it. And then you know what? we're going to check in with traffic. We're going to check in with our traffic here. It's still me. I'm the traffic guy as well. By the way, every radio DJ ever, this is how, this is how exactly funny they are, by the way, in real life.

59:30Brian Redban:What were the call letters at a radio station? What were the call letters? WRCN, 1039 RCN, Classic Rock. What city? In New York. It's a little radio station on Long Island. It's like, you would think it's a sitcom. It's so small. Yeah. And I did that for 12 years, and it was, It was a lot of fun, and I miss it. And I'm going to be back here because this is the last thing I thought would happen. But this is the best part about Kill Tony is you can come up here. This is the worst part about Kill Tony is that you can come up here. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Glenn. You have a good spirit. But you got to have a little punch to those jokes, man.

1:00:08I think it's the jet lag from coming here. I came down here just for this show. I love it.

1:00:13Brian Redban:Maybe next time, come in a day early. you're getting to the age. For a couple of years. You're okay, Glenn. Oh, this hurts. That's part of the game. I know. That's natural. No, no, I get it. I get it. It makes you feel any better. You're the least handicapped guy that's been on stage tonight. Everyone else has had cancer and this and that. They do DoorDash for a living, cerebral palsy. That is the worst half glass full, but I'll take it. Jeremiah, it's been a long time since you've been on this show. What do you think about Glenn from New York. How long have you been a fedora guy? Forever. Forever.

1:00:49Yeah, it says a lot about someone's personality. Really? Does it?

1:00:52Brian Redban:Whoa, look at the old wet head over here. You are soaking wet. Fucking Texas is so hot. I know. You guys aren't used to it in New York. It's fucking ridiculous. Here, keep that hat out. Keep that hat out just like that. Put your hand... Go ahead. Just like that. Thank you, Ray. Jesus Christ. Glenn from New York, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. That is one of the most soaking wet heads I've ever seen in my entire life. He looks like a Cuban Addams Family character. It's fucking hot here, even in the shade it's hot. It is literally, I have the temperature right here. Where the fuck did my thermostat go?

1:01:30I think you know where it is.

1:01:31Brian Redban:Who took my fucking thermostat? How's that possible? It was here earlier. Are we done with, like, the worst night of my life yet? We are. anyway it's like 72 degrees in here you still gotta fly home alone with your band roll on head glenn we love you you tried your best buddy thank you put that mic stand back where you found it right up there on that red x there you go there he goes glenn from new york yeah it is glenn holy fucking shit ladies and gentlemen that's why radio's dead by the way

1:02:13Brian Redban:If you think former radio DJs doing stand-up is bad, you should go listen to their podcast that they're trying to do. They have no idea how to be present. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Brooke McMinnoway, everybody. Brooke McMinnoway.

1:02:36What's up, guys? So I am 34 and some of the first music I remember really jamming to was like Usher, Mario, Chris Brown. I know y 'all remember Chris Brown. He said, I don't need, actually no, Mr. Brown said, and I quote, I don't need another woman. I just need your all or nothing. I don't know about you, but if a man looking like Chris Brown sang those words to me, I definitely would not think he was implying my bottom lip and left cheekbone. Don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything funny about being a domestic abuse victim, but I do feel like I'm allowed to talk about it. I'm allowed to joke about it.

1:03:09It's kind of like that one word, that one word some people can say. I know y 'all know. I know you know it, dude. Say it with me. I'll start. I'll start. Knit to pick if you say that word and you're not supposed to. I obviously cannot say it but if you're in the club, you can say it. If you're invited to the cookout, you can say it, you know. That other one though, thank you. That other one though, domestic abuse victim, guess who was invited to the cookout? Hey! I even got a hand-delivered invite Not to brag, my man wanted me to come so bad, he followed up off foot.

1:03:41Brian Redban:Okay, Brooke McMinway, welcome to the show, Brooke. This is your first time, correct? Yes. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my fifth time. Fifth time ever. What made you choose to come on a show like this that's absolutely seen by millions of people and is famously nuts? Seemed like a lot of fucking fun. I love it. How does it feel now that you're here, the bright lights? It feels good. I am not shaking at all. You are shaking. I feel great. I hate to cut you off. Yeah, go ahead. Harlan Williams. Your beautiful long hair. I would just love to run my fingers through your legs.

1:04:22Let's talk about it, Brooke. Let's talk about it. It is the elephant in the room.

1:04:27Brian Redban:Give a hell of a horse into the apes over here. What is happening, Kenny G? For those of you just listening to the podcast, you would not believe. I mean, I don't think anyone on panel has legs quite as hairy as you, Brooke. They are really something else. So... We have almost identical legs. I have seen your legs. It is funny. Now that you mention it, I've seen Jeremiah's legs. You have those legs. Show it. Show it. Jeremiah, just do it. Go all the way with it. Here we go. No, no. You keep your pants on, Brooke. We like to avoid lawsuits here. But if you look, we have a... Meg, of course, has moved farther back into the room than she's ever been before.

1:05:14Brian Redban:That's fantastic. But I guess camera two's got it. Holy shit. So how long have you been a free spirit, Brooke? Okay. So can I tell you about the last time I shaved? Sure. Let's talk about it. Okay. The year was 19...

1:05:33Um... It was June 2nd of this year. It grows fast. My little brother told me I could not come to his wedding unless I shaved my legs. So I shaved for him.

1:05:42Brian Redban:That was in June. That was in June. This has all come since June, yeah. But normally you keep it long like that. Yeah. Okay, what makes you want to do that? Take us through your process. I wake up. We find it very interesting here, right? Wake up, I shower, and I just don't shave. I got no process. I just don't, I don't know. I don't care. I don't see what the push is for women to shave so badly. Okay, let's check out with Jeremiah I'm just curious how the conversation went With your brother before the wedding Was it a phone call? Was it in person? Was it a letter? Was it a video that he sent you?

1:06:17It was a phone call Okay He was out of state, yeah And how did it go? It was very simple He said, Brooke, I need you to shave your legs Or else you cannot come to my wedding And I said, my dress literally goes to the floor Did he call you and he's like You know what this phone call's about I should have known for sure but no, I was not prepared for that. Can I ask you a personal question? Please. If you rub your legs together really fast, does it go...

1:06:44Brian Redban:Turns into an Aaron Belisle yell. All right. So, Brooke. Yes. What else do you do that you find women are under pressure to do or not do that women are under pressure to do? Like, shave your legs. I'm guessing you don't shave anything at all. Am I correct? I don't shave anything at all, no. Right, of course. I mean, if you have the thighs like that, I'm pretty sure the, uh, yeah. It's all natural, yeah. So you probably have a throw pillow on your pants. Oh, there he is. Deep Madness loves hairy legs. Come on in, Deep. That's how I know they're there. That's how he found the stage. He followed the happy trail.

1:07:22Brian Redban:Holy shit, this bitch made of pubic hair. Can I ask a question about Deep Madness? Yes. Is he married? Are you married? Deep Madness, the world wants to know, are you married? No, I'm not. No, he's not. May I kiss your cheek? She has bad hygiene. Hey! That's coming from Red Band. I have great hygiene. She keeps the periods inside. Okay, Red Band. Red Band. Back to the soundboard. I never thought I'd say it, but back to the soundboard, Red Band. You're on fire tonight with those sound effects.

1:07:58Brian Redban:Dee normally avoids random kisses. No, that's fair. I have so many more questions, Brooke. So you're like a hippie kind of, right? That's what I've heard. I don't deem myself a hippie. Do you smoke pot? But that's what I'm labeled. I did. Do you have a vinyl record player? I do.

1:08:20Brian Redban:You make your own coffee out of like a, like a not, it's not a plug-in coffee machine. You warm it up? I don't drink coffee. Tea. You make tea. I don't. Really? I'm a water girly. Oh, just water. You have your own big bottle that you refill. A giant-ass bottle. How big is your bush? Whoa, Jeremiah. Whoa. Racing right to the finish there. No, Jeremiah, don't do it. No, no, we know. We've seen yours before. That's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Very awkward. Okay, Brooke, what do you do for a living? I am currently working part-time waiting tables. Waiting tables. Okay. You wear pants for that, right?

1:09:01I have to, yeah. They make me.

1:09:03Brian Redban:Yeah, without a doubt. Okay, let's talk about your love life, because I find this part very interesting. You have a boyfriend right now? I do not. When's the last time you had a boyfriend? Three months ago? Three months ago. June. Isn't that amazing how that works out? I don't see what all this pressure is. Hairless thighs all of a sudden. Um, where'd you meet that guy at? Um, at a dispensary. A weed dispensary, ladies and gentlemen. A place where people who have all sexes with hairy thighs like to meet up. Okay, so, what did he say about your legs? I mean, he must have. He liked them. Well, he didn't mind, he didn't tell me he minded them.

1:09:50Brian Redban:Uh-huh. He supported it. It never came up? No. Wow. I did not. I mean, the first thing we notice, Harlan literally, the elbows started coming in from Harlan's left side. I thought he was doing an Aaron Belial impression for a second. He just starts repeatedly bumping me the second you came out. And meanwhile, that guy never said anything at all, huh? He said he supported my decision to not shave. Of course. Yeah, that's what they say for the pussy. Well. Does your armpits match the ew? Yes, they definitely do. Do you want to see them? Yes, let's see the armpits. It's absolutely incredible. since you offered it up.

1:10:28Brian Redban:Wow! I mean, absolutely so much hair. This is a wild episode of Kill Tony. I got a lot of hair. Don't make that face, dude. Now, what's amazing, Brooke, if I can say without seeming creepy, you seem like a very pretty girl. You seem like you have a lot of beauty amongst you. Why in the world are you taking this hairful approach to life? I truly just don't see the point. Are you a lazy transgender? Okay, very good. Thank you, Redda. Good question. No, my dad, my parents, I'm so sorry, mom and dad, they're going to shit themselves when they see that I haven't shaved still. Because this has been an ongoing thing with you for a long time, right?

1:11:11It's been a fight.

1:11:12Brian Redban:Honey, we've discussed this over and over. How many times do you have to go out in public looking like a half centaur, half female? Right. Okay, so, Brooke. Look, again, I find it impossible that there's not other things you can think of that you don't do because of the pressure of society. There must be more things. Do you brush your teeth every day? Yes. You shampoo and condition your hair sometimes. Yeah, I feel like other than not shaving, I'm pretty normal. Everything else is normal other than a massive amount of body hair. She'd be a supermodel in Germany. Oh, yeah, they love you. That's compliments, though.

1:11:49Brian Redban:Still a supermodel. Are you German? I'm not German. What's your heritage? Irish. Irish. John Dees has a good question. Do you use a washcloth while you're in the shower? Or some type of loofah, perhaps? Bar of soap, straight to body. Regular bar of soap, straight to body. Straight to body. Black people do not play that. I don't know if you know that. They find it odd that white people do that. Extremely odd. It's a thing. Bar of soap? Yeah. Just a straight bar of soap. They do not understand it. They go, how you be cleaning with just a bar of soap? That's what they ask. I have a lot of black friends.

1:12:24They use the same loofah for like three months, four months straight.

1:12:28Brian Redban:Bacteria can collect in a loofah. That's a very interesting way of looking at it. Bacteria can also collect technically on a bar of soap. It can, but then use the pubes, get it off. I can't imagine. Can you imagine what that bar of soap must look like? It must look like a bar of hair. It's just the movie Tangled on a bar of soap. Trouble with treble. Brooke McKinney, you got to keep at it. Keep practicing. Keep trying. Here's a little joke for you. Good catch. She catches like a boy. She's got thighs like a boy. Brooke McKinney, ladies and gentlemen, giving it a shot. Very interesting. The very, very rare, extremely hairy thighs.

1:13:16Brian Redban:The people in the front row, this poor guy, holding back vomit right now. I mean, it's incredible. The looks on some of the faces of these audience members tonight have been priceless. I love it. Let's keep the fun train moving along. This guy got excited. He's like, back when women used to be real. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're into that. He's pumped up right now. He's amped. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool, obviously anything can happen, goes by the name of Nino, everybody. Here comes Nino.

1:13:52Weight Watchers just filed for bankruptcy. About time, my sister's still a fat whore. All right, I'm going to start my minute now. I'm a millennial, and us millennials, we're all about nostalgia, you know? We miss the throwback stuff. The thing I miss the most, I miss the old TV shows. Like the other day, I had a dream. Shout out MLK. Gone too soon. I had a dream that I was on that show, Pimp My Ride, you know, on MTV. The show where they put 50 grand to the car that's worth 50 bucks. And I knew it was a dream because I don't even have a car. Exhibit pulled up to my house. He was like, Neno, come check out your new ride.

1:14:36He's like, Neno, we know you can't swim. So we put a hot tub in the back of your PT Cruiser. And Neno, we know you're pre-diabetic. so we hooked up with the sweet candy paint job. And lastly, Nano, we did our research, and you know you just got a DWI, so we hooked up with the custom gold-plated breathalyzer. Go ahead and blow on it, man. I just hear bubbles in the back.

1:15:09Brian Redban:All right, Nino. Nino, welcome. All right, thank you. You've been on this show before? Yes, yes, yes. How many times? Like three times. Three times. How does this one rank against those? This one sucked. This one was horrible. What do you think went wrong, Nino? Just the wrong joke. I don't know. You don't know. Yeah, it just wasn't hitting the way I expected it. And it can't be easy to follow someone from the Paleozaic era, you know. It's true. Nino, remind us. What have we talked about before in interview portions of your show that was interesting? Last time I hooked up with the Gil from Pflugerville.

1:15:51Brian Redban:Yeah. You hooked up with a girl from Pflugerville? Yeah, Gil. Grandma liked to fuck. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What's been going on since then? I was recently incarcerated. Ooh, tell us about that, Nina. I did 12 hours. Oh, my goodness. I could barely handle 60 seconds. I can't even imagine what that jail cell must have been like. Go ahead. I got a DWI on the 4th of July. Wow, that's a fucking country song if I've ever heard one. Lost my independence on Independence Day. Uh-huh. Shit sucked. So what were you doing out there on the 4th of July? I was actually partying, you know, lighting on fireworks, doing what we do on 4th of July.

1:16:30Doing what your people do on the 4th of July. Exactly. Mexicans love the 4th of July. We might not have papers, but we celebrate like we do, baby.

1:16:36Brian Redban:Yeah. Not your guys' holiday, but we let you celebrate it. Thank you. Appreciate that. I love it. So how much did you drink before this DWI? I lost track. Give us the ballpark. Probably like five beers, seven shots. There we go. The rest is history. Perfect. So take us through what you do remember about the process. You're driving on a freeway or a normal road? Yeah, I was driving on the 35. I was coming from New Braunfels to San Marcos. And I literally got pulled over. That's a long drive. Am I correct? No, it was like 10 minutes, 10, 12 minutes. I mean, it was like 2, 3 in the morning, so it was like no traffic.

1:17:13Brian Redban:Of course. Just a straight shot, little loop. Right, exactly. And the cops in Hayes County are fucking dicks. Well, I mean, you were drunk as shit. Yeah, but I was driving good, though. I was driving good. Well, how do you know that? Okay, because I was a dumbass, and I was being honest with the officer. I thought he'd let me go. He was like, you've been drinking tonight. And I didn't really think it was like 4th of July, because I had forgotten about it, because I was so fucked up. Oh. And I was like, yeah, I had two drinks earlier. And as soon as I said that, he was like, get out of the car.

1:17:46And I get out of the car. He makes me walk the line, which I fucking aced, you know.

1:17:50Brian Redban:Really? Do you think? Yeah, I did. I think everybody that's ever gotten into you, I thought they did good on the test. No, I did. I did. How do you know you did? Have you seen the police footage? No, I haven't seen it, but I know I did. How do you know you did? Because I just know because. You forgot it was the 4th of July. Yeah, well, okay. That would have been like the biggest question on the DUI test. Okay, so after I did that, he was like, I want to do a breathalyzer. And since I refused it, he was like, I'm booking you in. And I didn't know that that was like a law in Texas or whatever. Everywhere.

1:18:20Brian Redban:Yeah, everywhere. I thought it was just Texas. I don't know. I thought it was cool to drink and drive in Texas. So tell us about the 12 hours in jail. What do you remember about that? It was cold as fuck. A bunch of Edgars, Taquatricas, a lot of YNs. A lot of what? A lot of YNs, young Negroes, you know. Oh, wow. Okay. Just said black people there. That would have been acceptable. Bad. Luckily, that's not on the DUI test. Do you remember at all getting approached by a guy with long golden hair and real hairy legs?

1:18:57Can't recall. You will.

1:19:01Brian Redban:All right, Nino, we're flying through it today. Here's a little joke book, my friend. Thank you. oh my goodness yeah let's get a regular up here to do a brand new minute ladies and gentlemen you guys know this guy very well formerly the dark storm of alana now the dark storm of austin here with a brand new set it's dedrick flynn ladies and gentlemen

1:19:24what's up y 'all uh dark storm just turned 36 two days ago so dark storm dark storm let y 'all know I've changed as a person. I'm not scared of cops anymore because I call them. I do. I'm not scared of them. But I am still terrified of state troopers. I don't want to get pulled over by a nigga with a motor combat hat on. Like, them niggas is way too serious. What if he take the hat and then cut the car in half? Like, but also, like, because, like, we in Texas, right? The cops in Texas, some of these niggas is generational cops. Like, my daddy was a sheriff, and my daddy before that was a Texas Ranger.

1:20:08It's kind of hard to lie to a nigga that's been trained to look for lies. And I don't like him, and it's scary because I'm from Georgia. In Georgia, our state troopers, it's called GSP, and we have the only cop organization named after a Hall of Fame UFC fighter, George St. Pierre. And just like George St. Pierre, these niggas specialize in takedowns, right? Like, if you want to be a cop, be a cop. But if you fucking love pit maneuvers, nigga, go be GSP. And if you think I'm lying, go on YouTube. They have hours of compilations of these niggas pit maneuvering cars. They did it to me for a tag light.

1:20:49They did it to me for a tag light. And then I was like, why did you pit maneuver me? He said, well, I thought you was going to try to get away. I said, nigga, in a 2001 Honda CRV? How the fuck? What do you dig a pedal to the floor at 66 miles an hour? Like, I get in a slow lane because that's my only lane. But I did. So I started, like, having a better relationship with cops because me and my nephew have been watching Paw Patrol. So, like, even if a drug dog pop up, I'm like, I can't wait to meet him. Like, what if they bring Chase? Like, you know what I'm saying? That's my favorite Paw Patrol.

1:21:29I love y 'all. Thank y 'all so much. Tedrick

1:21:32Brian Redban:Clint. You know, I completely agree with you. Where we come from, the state troopers of Ohio, the Ohio State Highway Patrol, as they are known, are extremely famously ruthless and very extremely unforgiving. And even here in the state of Texas, I've learned that troopers here do not fuck around. In fact, I can tell you the only time, little fun fact, the only time I've been pulled over here in the great state of Texas was by a Texas State Highway Patrolman and yeah, he was going to give me a ticket for well, I'll just say it I maybe was driving in the bus lane ladies and gentlemen that's the safest lane yeah, A, it's the safest lane B, there's no fucking reason why someone that drives with complete common sense in a very fast car can get over there blow by the unbelievably annoying texas drivers that love going just underneath the speed limit even if it's a three lane four lane five lane six fucking lane freeway highway street whatever it may be everyone likes to get right next to each other and go the exact same speed now it's a thing that It only happens in Texas, by the way.

1:22:54Brian Redban:I can hear there's not a big response here from this mostly Texas crowd. And the people visiting probably don't drive enough around here to notice this. But everywhere else in, I believe, the world, but definitely this country, there's a lane to go faster than the people next to you. Now, only here in Texas, and this is a fun fact for everybody listening, that maybe you've never been to Texas, maybe you've never driven in Texas. only in Texas is it a thing where in fact the left lane is oftentimes going slower than no matter how many lanes are next to it. Now this was Guadalupe which again for those of you that don't know is about a three or four at times a one way street here downtown Austin and I was zooming from campus to get back down downtown and I got in the bus lane and zoomed by everybody made it clear, made a fucking left on Fifth Street, heading back fucking, you know, eastbound on Fifth Street.

1:23:55Brian Redban:And then guess what I see? You'll never believe. Little lights. No, no siren. No siren. It was just lights. And I see it behind me. And it is indeed the black SUV of the Texas State Highway Patrol. Ever been pulled over on the highway? Yeah. Because the state patrol, them niggas don't even be in their car. They be on the top of a tree with a scanner. And then when you drive, that nigga jump out the tree in his body and the car form around that nigga like a Power Ranger. Dedrick, you're the fucking man. Thank you for getting us. Make some noise for your next bucket bowl. You guys having fun out there?

1:24:35Brian Redban:This is kind of a crazy episode. This one is off the rails. $100 bills flying. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Aaron Spaller, everybody. Here comes Aaron Spaller.

1:24:52How we doing? I'm from a small town in Michigan. I'm not used to this big city life at all. I got hit on by a gay guy for the first time. I was just standing at the bar, and he just threw his arm around me and goes, Hey, man, I bet that ass is smooth. I really didn't like how he knew.

1:25:16Never in my life did I wish I had a hairy ass until that exact moment. And he could tell I was uncomfortable, so he offered to buy me drinks. But that wasn't the issue. See, he didn't ask me my pronouns, which are alcoholic.

1:25:35The only thing that got drained that night was his wallet.

1:25:47Israel? Israel? Would be way cooler if it's not real.

1:25:55Brian Redban:I'm Aaron Spaller. Aaron Spaller. Having a good old time. Jeremiah Watkins. Tony, how many sets is the hairy-legged woman going to do? This is amazing. No one believes that that ass is smooth, little lady. I'm kidding. It happened earlier in the episode. Don't worry about it. Welcome, Aaron Spaller. Is this your first time on the show? No. Uh-oh. Wow, look at you. That's how you laugh, huh? Oh, yeah. Like a gay haunted house. What happened last time you were on this show, Aaron? I probably ate shit. I know I ate shit. But you did better this time? A little bit, yeah. A little bit better. Hell yeah.

1:26:33Brian Redban:Where else do you perform? You live here in Austin? Yeah. You get up a lot of places? Yeah, my buddy runs four shows a week, and I help him with them. And then I actually just started doing a lot more open mics and doing less of that. All right. Usually at least six nights a week. What do you do for work? I am at Barback across the street. Okay. The piano bar? No, Maggie Mays. Oh, nice. How long have you been doing that? Two days. Wow.

1:27:05Brian Redban:That is literally a sound effect that's been on the inoperable soundboard for years called evil laugh. There's that clown laugh. Which one is that? Wow. Both of them qualify as your laugh. So what were you doing before two days ago? What were you doing for a living before that? I was their door guy. Like security. Okay. All right, and you got moved up to bar back. So now you're getting a little split of the tips. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Hell yeah, that's a big, big difference. Am I correct? Almost triple, yeah. Yes. How long were you working security there? On and off for the last two years, and then when it was like full time.

1:27:47Brian Redban:So here's the big question, Aaron Spiller. What are you planning on doing with all that extra money that you're getting now? You're making triple what you were making just a week ago. Tell us a little. Think that far ahead. You know what? I believe you. I believe you. Okay. Aaron, what do you do for, like, hobbies and stuff? Hobbies? Right now, golfing, hunting, shooting. I can't do cars anymore. Why can't you do cars anymore? Because I've totaled 11 of them. You've totaled 11 cars? Yeah. Okay. How have you accomplished something like this? I like to go fast. I like to go fast, too. We were just talking about that.

1:28:34Brian Redban:I've never caused one accident in my life. How have you totaled 11 cars? Going too fast. I'm sure we've gone faster than you. Without a doubt. How fast are we talking there, Aaron Spiller? My fast, Spaller. My fastest is 156. 156? What kind of car was that? It was a Ford Focus. Okay. Okay. Were you falling off a cliff, perhaps? No, dude. You got up to 156? Do you think maybe your speedometer was broken or something? No, I had a bell engine. It was one of the STs, a little turbo. Okay. Yeah. All right, so it was a little juiced up. Oh, yeah. Okay, a little Fast and the Furious. When you hit over, like, you said you're going 165 in a Ford Focus.

1:29:2756. 156? When you get up over 150, does it become a Ford out of focus? Yeah, shit was blurry. Did you ever just go and break into people's homes, stand in the shadows, and giggle?

1:29:48I'm picturing you with a Glenn Close wig on and a boiling rabbit in the middle of the night. Okay.

1:29:56Brian Redban:Aaron, name the other, what other types of cars have you crashed? Hmm. There was another Ford Focus that wasn't fast. That one died. Two trucks. You crashed all the time. Three trucks. You said you totaled 11 cars. Yeah. So how do you survive these very fast crashes? How can I know? Isn't that... I'll tell you how. He grabs the steering wheel and goes...

1:30:25Brian Redban:Just let his actual laugh happen. We get that thing at that point. I know, but just let it happen. Did you ever work at Chuck E. Cheese? Like just... Maybe next. Maybe that's my next gig. Okay, I'll be sure not to book a party there. Aaron, before I let you go, other than totaling a bunch of cars, what do you think is the most interesting thing about you? Could be any. Something we haven't talked about before on this show. Hmm. I hate that question. I don't fucking know, man. It's really anything. You could say anything right now. Anything? Have you shot something cool with all of your hunting expertise as of recent?

1:31:06No, dude. I haven't gone in a couple years. Ever since I moved here, I don't get to do that shit anymore.

1:31:13Brian Redban:Ever since you moved where? Here, Austin. To Texas? Yeah. You stopped shooting when you moved to Texas? Well, no, I go to the range, but hunting here is expensive as fuck. That doesn't fit in the barback pay scale. Okay. All right. All right. Nothing else? What's the craziest thing you've seen on 6th Street with all of your security and barback experience? A dead homeless guy. Whoa. Was he really dead? They play possum every once in a while. They'll jump up. They'll get you. No. I poked him. He didn't move. Is that how you know he was dead? Yeah, I think that's the universal trick. You gave him an actual poke?

1:31:57Brian Redban:What was that, a stick? Yeah. I think he poked him just to see if he'd giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Can you do the Pillsbury Doughboy giggle? I'll do the voice, and then you do the giggle. Ready? Nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned cinnamon roll. No, no, no. All right. Here's a little joke book, Aaron. It's okay. And you didn't catch it. That's the worst part. Aaron Spaller, ladies and gentlemen. Rough night for the bucket pools tonight. Rough night. Mario Tanti holding it down for all of the bucket pools. Bob Biggerstaff was good, too. That was fun. Bob Biggerstaff. What a name.

1:32:39Brian Redban:A lot of alliteration tonight. We had Bob Biggerstaff. We had, what was it? Ronnie Rohrbeck. And now we have, but make some noise for Jeremy Jonas, everybody. It's a very illiterative episode of Kill Tony.

1:32:55I have kids. I like them. Sometimes they ask me if I have favorites. I just give them the rankings, one, two, three. I feel like the feedback's important. But I know I have favorites because I took them tubing. We're going down the river. I had all three kids stuffed in one tube. and then the water started getting real rough. We hit something. They went flying three different directions, and I had to make choices. So my kids saw the rankings in real time because I went one, two, three. I swam past the kid to get the one I really wanted, literally like swimming, locking eyes with my son, like, you got to do better, bro.

1:33:44It's good to be here. I feel like it's healthy to do things without your spouse. The other night, though, this lady saw my ring and said, maybe you should go home to your wife. I said, maybe you should finish the lap dance.

1:34:03Gen Z strippers, no work ethic.

1:34:07Brian Redban:Hell yeah, Jeremy Jonas, right on cue. We needed a good bucket pool. You're a funny guy. Thank you, sir. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Where at? Mostly here. I started in San Antonio. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. Out of all the bucket pools I've had tonight, you're the last one I would guess is from San Antonio. Yeah. Amazing. What do you do for a living? I am an anesthesiologist. Whoa! Such an interesting job. I do believe that you are the first anesthesiologist we've ever had in Kill Tony history. Can you draw Mickey Mouse? That's not what an anesthesiologist is. I thought most of the bucket poles were anesthesiologists.

1:34:49Brian Redban:Because they were putting us to sleep. Oh, wow. But sometimes they kill. That's right. It's a job with a ton of responsibility. A lot of people might not know that, you know, they say that if a patient dies, it's never the surgeon, that it's the anesthesiologist's fault. Is this a thing? You've obviously heard that, right? Yeah. But you guys are defensive of that because the surgeon can fucking, they got everything there. There's all the veins and scalpels and shit, so it could be their fault too. You guys don't kind of have an odd relationship, right? A little bit, yeah. It can be contentious.

1:35:25Brian Redban:Yeah. And you're still a full-time anesthesiologist? No. No. You're out of the game. You killed somebody accidentally. It's complicated. Yeah. It's a really weird, tough job, right? What can you tell us about that? Because these people, these people, I mean, we barely, you know, go ahead. Well, I take my job seriously, and I feel like I'm legally required to say that. You know, I took a year off, so it was really weird for me, because when I came back, there's like no requirement for me to tell my patient that I've been telling dick jokes in a basement for a year. Right. So that's a little uncomfortable.

1:36:07Brian Redban:Yeah. It's got to be wild out there. Now, for someone my size, it's a low dosage, but someone Red Band size, what would you have to do? What do you do, though, than a tranquil elephant? Well, typically, if we know somebody that size has come in, we go to Costco. Yeah. And we buy the drugs wholesale. That's right. Absolutely no doubt about it. He's got to buy in bulk for you to be able to put you down for even just 30 to 45 minutes. So nitrous doesn't work on me anymore because I smoke cigarettes and smoke so much weed. But has anyone ever beat, like, where you, like, count down backwards and then they get to one and they actually beat it?

1:36:48Not for me, but I, you know, I really... You go for it. I'm pretty heavy-handed. Do you...

1:36:56Brian Redban:Yeah. That's amazing. Now, are you normally there when they wake up as well? or do you kind of just put them out and leave them with the surgeon? No, I mean, I'm there with them. They wake up, I'm with them all the way to the recovery room. Jeremiah Watkins. Have you ever witnessed somebody after you put them to sleep and they wake back up with a different accent? Let me just ask you this, which was my follow-up question. What's the weirdest thing that you have seen? Because people wake up from those things absolutely fucking wonky as shit. I mean, usually not that exciting, just people trying to fight you.

1:37:31you know that that sometimes people usually you know redheads irish people

1:37:38Brian Redban:yeah yeah they come out swinging yeah yes yes red band thank you um interesting but nothing in particular anybody ever like well so the thing is is i i had like a weird career like i did um i did pain management for like 10 years which was terrible um and so i like tough in big medicine because everything was addictive and they told you that it wasn't even though it was right well i didn't do like get hardcore narcotics but i was doing injections every you know like spinal injections and it was really yeah it was it was like because people would come back be like yeah my back still hurts and i have to explain a little yeah you're still really fat right red band yeah exactly that's you again that's talking about you wow jeremy uh how long you've been married for uh about 19 years wow how do you keep things exciting in the bedroom He puts her to sleep.

1:38:37Brian Redban:You know what? Have some of this money, buddy. That was a good one. Any tricks that you could share? You just got to continue to like the person. How do you do that? Can you teach us how to do that? We go on dates. Nice. We went on a date today. What did you do today? We went to kind of a not great part of town and ate. That's where a lot of the best stuff is. It is, yeah. It's Chinatown. There's like a shopping complex, and we went and ate Vietnamese food. Fucking awesome. I love it. I ate Vietnamese yesterday. Best pho in the city? It's called Sip Pho, or pho if you pronounce it correctly. But Sip, up near campus.

1:39:17Brian Redban:Fucking trust me, it's absolutely nuts. Can I ask a medical question, my guy? You don't mind? I love a good medical question from Harlan Williams. It's time to get serious. When you put these people under, they go into a deep sleep. Like, is it a REM sleep, the deepest state of sleep when you knock them out? No, we're scrambling the eggs. We're going deep. Yeah. So my question is, because a lot of people, when they're in deep sleep, they talk in their sleep. Do you ever get people, when you put them out, they start talking in their sleep? Well, there's a breathing tube in a lot of time, so it would be hard.

1:39:50So it sounds like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It's a didgeridoo that they put down their throat. Okay. It just sounds like Steve-O. Hey, I'm so tired right now. I'm like sleeping like so bad. Oh, my throat. I'm sleeping. Oh, God.

1:40:06Brian Redban:You have kids, Jeremy? I do. I have three kids. Three kids? Yeah. What's the age range there? 16, 14, and 11. Oh, wow. How's that going for you? Anything crazy? Dude, they're fun. I mean, like the favorite story. I mean, that happened and we were tubing and they just like fell out. And I was like, sorry, I got to get this guy first. That's amazing. Any of them autistic? No. Amazing. We have almost everybody with a kid today has autistic kids. Fully vaccinated, everything right from the getter? Were you a little... Yeah, I mean, they didn't get the COVID vaccine, but everything else... Smart, smart.

1:40:39Brian Redban:There's people back there that understand that. What made you not get them the COVID vaccine? You were kind of curious about it, came out kind of fast? I mean, I wouldn't have gotten it, but I felt like if I didn't, I would be, like, forced not to work. Well, they basically told you that, right? Even at the comedy store, you had to get a fake card from your Mexican friend, George.

1:41:06Brian Redban:I love it. Jeremy, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? You seem like such an interesting guy. We've been craving for a bucket pool that actually has his shit together and prepared for this today. We're a little bit starstruck to meet you, believe it or not. Any other fun facts? Do you have any wacky hobbies or anything? I go to Ukraine for medical mission stuff. Whoa. That's fire. Yeah. Amazing. They probably need you over there, right? Yeah, I mean, I'm just doing primary care stuff. But yeah, I go with a group called Global Care Force. They send primary care doctors over there.

1:41:45Brian Redban:So we go to remote areas. And you live here in Austin? I live in Austin, yeah. That's awesome, man. Keep signing up for the show. You're fucking awesome, Jeremy. We'd love to see another set from you. Here's a big joke book. Jeremy Jonas, everybody.

1:42:02Brian Redban:Jeremiah is going pee-pee. There goes Jeremy Jonas, everybody. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're keeping it moving along here. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michaela J, everybody. Michaela J.

1:42:21I've been getting my mushrooms from a guy I met at the gas station. That way I know it's going to be a quick trip. Good, good, good. I didn't know what jokes I wanted to do tonight. I was going to do my suicide jokes, but people don't really like suicide jokes. I don't know why. They kill me. All right, good. I have a lot of personal experiences with suicide. The man that I dated before my ex-husband did kill himself. And then my ex-husband, when I confronted him that he was cheating, he tried to kill himself and he failed. But guys, I think the next one might try and stay. Be really cool if he did.

1:43:05It's hard to talk about my ex-husband and, like, you know, the suicide attempt, the cheating, the divorce. Because it's embarrassing, you know? because he's ugly. I'm making it work, though, you know? I'm out here, I'm dating again. I'm a modern 90s kind of gal. I got a roster. Keep one guy on there for rough stuff. I call that my designated hitter. Thank you guys so much. I'm Michaela Jay.

1:43:32Brian Redban:Michaela Jay. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

1:43:39Brian Redban:You really caught your ex-husband cheating? Yes. How long were you with him for? We were together for 10 years, married for six. Okay. How did you catch him cheating? I had been trying to catch him for a long time. And then finally a girl added me on Facebook and sent me screenshots. He was on his sugar daddy website. Wow. Yeah. And what made her do that? Honestly, I think this woman's like a vigilante. She was like shaking him down for money. And he gave her the money and she still found me and told me. so wow what a bitch well amazing what made you suspect him of cheating for so long um there was like a bunch of weird red flags like what give us some of them so that we make sure we never do them am I right so that everyone was informed about it not to be him uh he um I don't know it was a bunch of little weird shady shit uh it was like liking other girls Instagram posts and I've never been like I was never crazy before that oh Oh, well, well, well.

1:44:42Brian Redban:Oh, my gosh. Liking other girls' Instagram posts, huh? Oh, that's wild. See me on Reddit. On Reddit. Hilarious. What do you do for work, Mick? Oh, he did cheat on me with someone from Reddit, too, actually. I forgot about that part. Look at that. I'm so sorry. I have a couple different part-time jobs. Okay, you're a fortune teller and you do nails? That's my guess. I wish, dude, if I did nails. Oh, you're right. Okay, what do you do? I do social media messaging for my friends, voice acting business, and then I'm also a game show host at The Domain. Oh, a game show host. It's that fun game show thing?

1:45:17Brian Redban:Yeah. Oh, that's cool. There's a couple comics that have been on here that do the same thing. Nice. That's fun. Yeah. How about, like, hobbies? What do you do for fun, Michaela? You seem like the kind of lady that likes to get out there and read somebody's palm or something like that. Tarot cards. I don't know palmistry. Do you really? A little bit. I'm learning. There you go. It's shocking. That basically means that I was right. Yeah. Go ahead. So you're the fortune teller. What else do you do for fun? I am kind of boring. I hang out with my dog. I sew a little bit. I watch Antiques Roadshow.

1:45:50Wow. I watch old Harlan Williams stand-up specials. I love you so much. I'm so happy to see you. Thank you. I was thinking of killing myself later. Could you help? Yeah, yeah. Saving lives. I just need a little push. I see you have tattoos. You got some wacky... What's that one on your shoulder there? Oh, that's a little blue heart. Oh, wow. You're going to get the blue diamond, the yellow moon, and the green clover? Yeah. Heart stars and rainbows, yes. What's that? Heart stars and rainbows, yes. Heart stars and rainbows. What did you say? I'm a hillbilly. I'm trying really hard with my diction.

1:46:30Heart stars and rainbows. Heart stars and rainbows. And you have one on your ankle. What's that one? This one says deus ex machina. What is it? Deus ex machina. It means God from a machine or the machine of God. Oh, okay.

1:46:44Brian Redban:All right. Well, that's enough of a tattoo time with Harlan Williams, I do believe. Yeah. Michaela, the guy that's fucking you now, any chance he's black? Thank you for asking. No, I'm not getting fucked right now. Oh, I thought in your material you said that there's a current guy doing that. Oh, I did say, yeah, I did have a guy on my roster for rough stuff when I wrote that. Was he black? He wasn't, actually. He was not? No, shocking. Amazing. It was my first Asian of my entire life. Whoa, an Asian climbed that mountain? Mount Michaela? Boy, that didn't work out. Oh, my goodness. What happened with the Asian guy?

1:47:21Brian Redban:I don't know, fizzled out. Wow, he didn't love you for a long time? He did not. No. Wow, where'd you meet this Asian guy at? A bar. yeah just karaoke okay sushi bar alright are Asian guys good lovers like who's better like what's the best lover are the Asians any good I mean what was the Asian it feels like a trap to say no right well maybe a trap in Vietnam but we're just talking

1:47:59Brian Redban:no we just just talk about it I mean we don't know We have no idea. Me and Tony have never made love to an Asian. Yeah. Have we? I mean... Have we? Not an Asian man. Not an Asian man. How do they rate compared to the other races? I mean, he had a good spirit. Ah. Wow. That means he ate pussy, everybody. All right. Michaela, you have been with a black man before, though, correct? Yes, of course. Okay. And they tend to rule the roost in the bedroom. Am I correct? Statistically more white guys for me. Whoa. Yeah, I like big, tall, fat guys. It's weird. Oh, okay. Yeah. You were just a few inches away.

1:48:44Brian Redban:Hold my down, Redman. Just a few inches. Just a little.

1:48:49Brian Redban:I love that he makes this voice different for being a short guy. Hey, when you do it, leave me around, man. All right. When he's short, he's got a different voice, everyone. When two larger people make love, does it sound like raw hamburger patties falling off a counter?

1:49:11Yeah. I thought so. Thank you. Next. Wow.

1:49:20Brian Redban:Michaela, any other fun facts about you before I let you out of here? I don't think so. I run a Tuesday night stand-up show in North Austin in a bar called Nomad. It's called Scratch Off Comedy. All right. Okie dokie. Well, ladies and gentlemen, there she goes, Michaela J. Everybody, here's a medium joke book for you, Michaela. There you go. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Brian Says. Everybody, here comes Brian Says. We know this guy. Very funny, man. New Minute by Brian Says. All right, yeah. I just got married. My wife turned 35 last week. Yep, looks like we're going to have to put her down.

1:50:01You know, just because if you do the math in woman years, that's like 35.

1:50:11It's crazy, dude. I don't know. I don't think women are dogs, but I do think women have dog-like tendencies, you know? Like, she'll have her food, and I'll have my food, and then she'll start gunning for my food. What happens when you make them upset, huh? You gotta take them on a walk. You know? I'm black. I can't talk to my lady like a black guy. I gotta talk to her like she's a dog, you know? Soon as she wakes up in the morning, hey, girl, hey! How are you? Oh, my gosh, that's a good stretch. Yeah, good girl. Whoa, you know? Have you had your water today? Do you want a treat? do you want to fucking throw a Xanax in her mouth?

1:50:56You know? It's crazy. I don't know. As soon as the keys get going, hey, where are we going? Where are we going? I managed to teach her sit and stay. I can't make her come.

1:51:10Can't teach an old dog.

1:51:12Brian Redban:Unbelievable set by Brian Sez. Fantastic. Absolutely hilarious, Brian. Welcome back on the show. Are you really married? Sure. It works. It works. Do you even have a girlfriend right now? I'm fucking Michaela. She thinks you're Asian. Been nice knowing you.

1:51:47Brian Redban:Tell us more about you, Brian says. What's been going on in life? Gosh, you know, doing traveling, you know, hooking up, fucking traveling. Where you been traveling to? I've been all over the country. I went to Houston. Wow. I think you went to Ross Dress for Less. Where'd you get that mini skirt? All right. Same place you got that shirt, nigga. You like that? Not really, but... Why do you have your pants tucked into your... Are you going tobogganing later? What's going on? What's that all about? I haven't seen that look since Gulliver's Travels. All right. Appreciate you, Parlo. I like it. I like it.

1:52:38It's hip. It's cool. Really? Yeah. Okay. And the comb in the hair and the little Dairy Queen flip at the top.

1:52:45Brian Redban:All right. All right. Here's a little shades of some soft serve. You got the side scoop Yeah, what do you think? You want to run your fingers through it? Alright, we're getting off the beaten path You are correct, Brian I completely agree with you What's been going on in life? What's your situation right now in any form or matter other than traveling to Houston as your entire identity this week Which, by the way, we know You're wearing a Fila jacket We know you were just in Houston. That's what everyone leaves with. It's good. My life's been interesting. I've been watching the news. What are you seeing on the news, Brian?

1:53:33Just a lot of stuff in Houston.

1:53:40Brian Redban:Okie dokie. Should I go back to the wardrobe stuff? No, no, no. Don't do it. but I'm still digging over here. So do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Are you into anything other than going to Houston? Just kind of driving to Houston. No, hobbies. Gosh, I play chess. Fuck you. I'm going back to the wardrobe stuff. Here we go. There must be something, Brian. Anything at all? I mean, I'm trying to fuck bitches, dude. I do stand up and I'm looking for hoes. Well, tell us about that. How's that going? What have you learned about hoes recently? Since we just found out that you're not married to a 35-year-old.

1:54:25Brian Redban:The truth is coming out. The guy tried to tell us earlier that his wife had breast cancer. Except that was real. Oh, okay. You're not married is what we're finding out. No, I'm good with the ladies, though. I used to work at a battered women's shelter. Oh. Yeah, it was during COVID. Oh. I work from home.

1:54:48There it is. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's rowdy women out there. No, I'm on the apps. The apps are interesting, you know. You on the apps, Tony?

1:55:01Brian Redban:Definitely not on the apps. Okay, maybe just me. But, yeah, I'm on there. You know, it's tough because a lot of women are... I'm... Michaela-sized. And I'm not... I'm not really... I'm just not into... Okay. I'm black, but I'm not into fat bitches. And I know if... Why do you think that is? Did you notice this happened after you dyed your hair blonde? I'm trying to get as far away from the black thing as I can, Tony. And... It's not working out. All right. All right. Dude, I just got to ask. Have you got... When you were a baby, did your ears ever grow? That's a good point. You do have tiny ears.

1:55:52Brian Redban:Harlan has noticed that you have tiny ears. I agree. Those are tiny ears. I'm surprised you can even hear what we're saying. They're like little Teddy Ruxpin ears over here. All right, Harlan. What's up with you? You look like you're the ideal man, nigga. I don't know about that. Yeah, I act like it because I am. I'm not going to lie. You're pretty cool, Harlan. No, you can rip me. Rip me. Go for it. I deserve it. Your thing wasn't an insult. I think they're cute, but take a shot, guy. All right. Have at it. Harlan, you look like the chicken from Acne and Coyote. There we go. Okay. I don't want to roast you.

1:56:36I actually, I respect you. Well, I'm a chicken. Why won't you?

1:56:42Again, Harlan, I'm trying to get away from the stereotypes. No, no. I mean, you said you don't want to roast me, but then you said I was a chicken, so I said roasted chicken. There was no racial stereotype attached. It was a food joke. I prefer my chicken fried, Harlan. Racist.

1:57:03Brian Redban:Brian I'm gonna get you out of here Brian I'd love to have you on the secret show Fantastic set Fantastic set Brian The interview sometimes I still don't think people know That when I ask them anything interesting About you they could possibly Do jokes Did you ever notice that And they go nah A little like stuck in neutral Yeah it was an unbelievable set The set was good And then I'm just trying to set them up and he's just going, no. Are you sad inside? Just fucking hoes. Huh? That's what he said. Oh, you're asking me? No, I'm asking you, are you sad? I'm getting weird energy. I'm looking in your eyes.

1:57:42Brian Redban:Well, you're really squared up right now. Well, you seem a little sad and I want to... I mean, you are at a 90 degree angle right now. I want to comfort my friend in his time of need. You are just a northbound star right now. Look at you. You want to go to Arby's later? I have some in the back right now. I have a little beef and cheddar. or a bag of beef and cheddar is waiting for us. If Michaela didn't already find it, it's all ours. Dude, this was a bit, but I think I'm falling in love. Well, that's what happens. Wow. Your eyes up close. People don't know. Your eyes are penetrating. Frank Sinatra's dead.

1:58:19I think I'm going to call you the new blue eyes.

1:58:21Brian Redban:People don't know about my blue eyes. It's why I have the camera people farther away every week, slightly farther away, because I don't want to intimidate everybody. You're enchanting my guy. They are really enchanting. That's what I've been told. I've been told I have very enchanting eyes. Yeah. All right. Back to the show, ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting because this looks like a wacky name if I've ever seen one before. Make some noise for A.I. Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, God. Whoa. Whoa. A.I. Harland was the Kill Sony debut of A.I. Harland Williams. How you doing, my guy?

1:59:08Figured I would do a couple David Lucas roast jokes, if that's okay with everybody.

1:59:16David Lucas is so fat and black, the only thing he tips is a scale. David Lucas has dreads. You know what else has dread? His zippers and buttons. How the fuck are they supposed to stay on that fat piece of shit?

1:59:39David Lucas is the only person who thinks he's going to get groceries after he eats the booty.

1:59:48That's a thinker and a stinker.

1:59:57David Lucas is so fat when liberals see him they tell him black lives matter twice

2:00:05David Lucas is actually Catholic he celebrates Ash Wednesday Ash Thursday Ash Friday this Ash Friday next Ash Friday Ash Friday after next this guy's fucking ashy if David Lucas dies and gets cremated it'll be less ashy than he is today.

2:00:25David Lucas has made George Floyd jokes, but in his defense, he was hungry and thought he was doing George Foreman jokes. David Lucas puts the sphere in Rogan's sphere. Fat piece of shit. David Lucas is known as a conservative comedian. He's a member of MAGA, the NRA, the PIG, the Needsmore O2, the OPP, the KFC, the BMI, the OREO, and the FATFUCK.

2:00:59David Lucas just had an ankle monitor installed. It's just a mirror attached to his hand so he can see his ankles again.

2:01:14David Lucas answers the question, what if black people didn't like Drewski?

2:01:25David Lucas is the only guy who's, after he's been prank called, caught his refrigerator.

2:01:35David Lucas fell recently because he's so fat. When asked if he needed first aid, he said, no, I need Kool-Aid. David Lucas hopes to someday see the seven wonders of the world He calls the seven wonders of the world His toes, his dick, his balls, a good credit score His father, a thigh gap, and the age of 50

2:01:58Page two, you almost

2:02:08Can I pay you to stop? Yes, me. Not many people know that David Lucas is part of the BDSM community, black diabetics supporting MAGA. David Lucas is so fat, if he was a slave, he'd be cool whipped.

2:02:31David Lucas always talks about how many bitches he gets, but every time I see him with a girl, I think it's his stunt double. Stunt double double with fries? Easy, girl. David Lucas was recently in a movie and he's already been cast in new remakes of other classic action films. Breathe Hard, Men in Black, Big and Tall, Predator Eats Alien, 40 Years a Slave to Cake, Foodfellas, Fat Man, The Dark Knight, 300 Pounds, and finally, Eating Everything Everywhere All at Once.

2:03:10Brian Redban:Thank you so much. Wow. A.I. Harlan Williams. Absolutely incredible. I was good. I was good. Why don't you join panel for the rest of the show? Okay, I would love that. There's not much left, but we're going to get through it together. How about one more time for A.I. Harlan Williams? Wow, I was good. The second comedian, him and Pauly Shore both brought pages of jokes. I could not believe that there was a second page there, and there was A.I. Harlan Williams. And there's still more. There's more? Oh, yeah. David Lucas. Oh, yeah. Everyone knows David Lucas uses the N-word a lot. Need another? Nah.

2:03:50This isn't for the table. Need a bigger size? No, I'm not paying the child support. Whoa. David Lucas is a real Uncle Tun.

2:04:03Brian Redban:You know, I can see why you didn't do these ones up there. I think these are the... We'll put that on the DVD. How about that, bud? That is a great Harlan impression. Harlan, what are you... You know, I was joking earlier about killing myself. I think we might do it later. Are you ready to jump off a cliff together? We'd start knowing our luck. We'd land on David Lucas and bounce right back up. Let's do one more bucket pool. How do you guys feel about that? One last bucket. This is a long episode. If you're wondering if it feels long, it's because it's a long one. We're getting through it. Your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lisa Mendoza, or perhaps Lisa Mendoza.

2:04:54This is my impression of an ex-cop dyslexic sandwich maker. I make a mean BLM.

2:05:07My favorite thing that came out of the internet was that Spongebob gangster meme where he has like a mafia suit and a grill and some rings. I feel like a really good character that would be a good gangster would be Tigger because he like comes out of the hundred acre hood. He's like friends with like a single mom with a kid. And then he's just like, I'm the realist and I double gutter.

2:05:41when I moved here from South America I took one year of American high school and during that year the video game Ghost Recon Wildlife came out so it's about cocaine in Bolivia and the students, like the boys, knew about the game and they would ask me if I brought some. And I'd be like, sorry, guys, I had to cut a hole in it just so I could make my way back home. I lost Hansel to the cartel. Thank you.

2:06:10Brian Redban:Okay, Lisa Mendoza. You know, I never thought I'd ask this, but Harlan AI, can we hear some more David Lucas jokes? Coming right up. Lisa, welcome. Grab that microphone real quick. I'm going to make this quick. How long you been doing is this your first time ever doing stand-up comedy? No, I've done it for a little bit You've been doing it for I think starting last year. Oh, okay like a year Yeah, I guess about a year. Yeah, I mean took a break and then came back. Okay. Yeah, was the break recent? Like I came back to it Just revised some how old are you 30 30 what made you start stand-up now? uh just bored okay so are we uh lisa what do you do for work i have a lot of jobs but recent the most recent one is uh catering and bartending for uh calm down david lucas is gonna start running over here so yeah he loves catering david lucas loves catering lisa what do you think is the most interesting fun fact about your life you're 30 years old what can you tell us that you think makes you different than everybody perhaps anybody that's ever been pulled out of the bucket anything oh you ever have like a near death experience you ever save somebody's life you ever uh win the lottery ever anything crazy ever total 11 cars perhaps anything just moving from like one country to another and just adapting really quick.

2:07:44Brian Redban:What was the country? Bolivia. Wow. What are Bolivians known for? I need to know for my future racist jokes. Just recently it's a cat that they discovered that looks like a leopard. It's a tiny little cat. That's on the news right now. Wow. Okay. And then the Tesla thing where they're mining for lithium. Oh, there's a lot of lithium there. Yeah, so that's like known like oh yeah, Tesla's been like mining from there. Alright. Yeah. Putting the kids to work. Okay, Lisa. There you go. There's a little something in there. But for now, you're going with the little joke book, Lisa Mendoza. Thank you so much.

2:08:18Brian Redban:All shapes and sizes of bucket pools here tonight. The Kill Tony debut of Lisa Mendoza. The great A.I. Harlan Williams. We've seen a lot of different things. And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's an absolute freak of nature. Every single week he boggles our mind. Even now, an episode like this where it seems like we have all together just come to learn that the person... Oh, A.I. Harlan Williams has a little celery stalk there. That really is A.I. Harlan Williams. The man I'm about to bring on this stage perhaps could be considered one of the most powerful regulars in this show's history.

2:09:00Brian Redban:He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, and he never ceases to amaze us. I present to you the anomaly, ladies and gentlemen. This is the real deal. Pat O 'Neill, everybody.

2:09:18Brian Redban:Folks! I think the Netflix logo would work a lot better for BET, okay?

2:09:31Brian Redban:Fucking dead crowd, that's a great joke, goddammit. Hey, no, racism is wrong. and so's gassing up fat chicks. So let's find some middle ground blacks. Enough's enough already. Come on. We'll stop when you do.

2:09:54Brian Redban:Seriously, I'm going to fuck Lizzo if my cock were a gun and her pussy were Hitler.

2:10:06Brian Redban:And you know, Hitler, he had a micropenis. they say and i would too if you killed a bunch of irish people and i controlled the media okay that is enough for me thank you the great pat o 'neill and you are correct your detectors are up this crowd has gone through a lot this is one of the longest episodes in a very long time that we've done i was uh trying to find some wild bucket pools i was stalling for ai harlan williams to get ready there was a lot going on here um pat how we feeling i don't know i fucking lost my voice on friday headlining my first weekend so i'm glad i uh braved through that sickness for you ungrateful fucks that's right that is correct i haven't talked in two days that netflix joke has been killing yes it's absolutely hilarious i laughed i laughed harder than i have That was fantastic.

2:11:05Brian Redban:Pat, you are the absolute man. Both Harlan Williams, you guys got to see the great Pat O 'Neill. He does this every week. He's fantastic. That was terrible. Don't say it was good. Harlan's the best guest in the history of the show. God damn it. Yes, absolutely. I want that one better in front of him. Oh, thank you. No, you are correct, Pat O 'Neill, on everything. You are the fucking man. and we absolutely love you. Thank you. Seriously, he was under the weather and did brave coming out for you people and we appreciate the hell out of that. Thank you, folks. We love you so much. The great and powerful Pat O 'Neill, ladies and gentlemen, did it again.

2:11:47Brian Redban:And that's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Just a little heads up. We are, how about one more time for the great Harlan Williams, the Harlan Highway, the Artvengers coming out now and the great Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen, his new special Crazy Pizza out on YouTube. Stand up on the spot monthly at the Comedy Store. There's a True Kill Tony happening in Houston, the 17th of October. And we're doing Las Vegas, November 13th and 14th at the MGM, the Dolby Theater at MGM. And of course, still tickets available for the Moody Center, New Year's Eve, here in Austin, Texas. I implore you that you're able to get tickets for that show, and it is going to be absolutely action-packed.

2:12:32Brian Redban:New Year's Eve for the fourth year in a row in an arena in our hometown of Austin, Texas, exactly where we want to be on New Year's Eve. Guys, thank you so much for doing this show. We absolutely love you guys. Guest of the year, Harlan Williams. Guest of the year, Harlan Williams. Former band leader, Jeremiah Watkins. Red band. Check out the sunsetstrip atx.com. It's a secret show every Thursday. Love you guys. We love you guys. Pre-orders are up for Heidi's Farts in a Jar. From what I understand, they are selling wildly at KillMerch.com. We may have hid one Red Band fart in a jar, so check all that out at KillMerch.com.

2:13:12Brian Redban:Audience, we love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

2:13:32Thank you.

2:14:01Wasted, let's go

2:14:28Thank you.