11 Things I Do to Actually Enjoy Being a Stay At Home Mom | Ep. 122

0:01Hey, mom friend. Welcome to Learning to Mom podcast. First off, hi, hello, welcome. I'm your official mom friend, Layla. Here, you get the answers to all your gazillion first time. mom questions as I ask experts all our motherhood questions and seek tangible information without making you feel overwhelmed. This week's episode is a solo episode in honor of all the DMs and Wednesday weekly Q &A questions I constantly receive on Instagram about what do you do all day as a stay-at-home mom? I'm quitting my job, but I'm afraid I'll be bored as a stay-at-home mom, et cetera, et cetera. So I hope you enjoy the episode and get a lot out of it regardless if you're a stay-at-home mom, full-time working mom, part-time, whatever have you.

0:45But please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only. Hi, mom friends. This week's episode, we are talking all things stay-at-home mom life, which isn't my usual topic, as you know, but I'm all about listening to the topics that you want, and I get a lot of questions that I think this episode can answer. So that's why we're talking about stay-at-home mom stuff today, I want to say a quick little disclaimer that just because I'm covering this topic doesn't mean that I think it's the correct way to do motherhood. Like, I don't subscribe to that view.

1:23I personally love being a stay-at-home mom, although I guess technically I'm a working stay-at-home mom, which is kind of a whole deal by itself, but we can talk about that later if you're curious and want some more insight into that. But the whole vibe or idea that like everyone should be a stay-at-home mom, I really don't believe. So for me, I love getting to be at home with my kids and I'm so grateful that I get to be one. But I also just don't think that everyone thrives in this role. It's like any job. I don't think everyone should be an accountant or everyone should be a teacher or be a nurse.

2:04Yes, being a stay-at-home mom does give you a lot more flexibility to make it the role that you want it to be, more so than a traditional job does, of course, but I still don't think that everyone should be one. So just before we get started, I just wanted you to know that that's the place that I'm coming from. I'm not shaming you if you're not a stay-at-home mom. Just because I'm covering this topic Doesn't mean that I'm encouraging all my listeners to become a stay-at-home mom or doesn't mean that like you, if you're a working mom or a part-time working mom or whatever, like don't have a seat at this table.

2:40I'm just sharing my own experience with my own insight on my own podcast. So today we're going to be discussing 11 things that I do that helps me actually enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. Now, if you're not a stay-at-home mom, that title really might make you go, huh? Why wouldn't you just naturally enjoy it? I think a lot of us have this like rose-colored glasses on. We think about being a stay-at-home mom of like, it's so fun. You're with your kids and it's so easy. So in case you're tuning in as someone without any stay-at-home mom experience, the reality is that it can actually be incredibly draining.

3:23you feel taken advantage of, underappreciated, and sometimes really lonely. The days can feel super long with constant screaming and limited adult interaction. I mean, I could go on and on, but that's not really my vibe on the podcast, like talking so negatively. You get the idea, right? So I guess just like these are the things that I practice that really helps me enjoy being a stay-at-home mom because it is really hard. I think a lot of women are like, or a culture easy like we try to uplift stay-at-home moms but being like that's the hardest job and like you're doing like I don't know I just feel like that's kind of everyone's response like oh I'm a stay-at-home mom and it's like oh you're doing you're doing it all like that's the hardest job imaginable like yeah it's difficult but honestly I don't think that I'm sure we'll get into this in the episode, but like, I do think that it's really as hard as you make it.

4:21It's not easy, but I don't think any job is easy. There's going to be things that you love about it and things that you don't love about your job. And to me, I look at working moms and I'm like, you guys are the superheroes because I know that you're the default parent. And I know that you're coming home and you're having to make your kids lunches for the next day or coming home. And then you're making dinner at six o 'clock to get dinner on the table by seven. And like, I have so much respect for you. You will never hear me say that being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job or is way harder than a working mom.

4:54Because honestly, I don't think that that's the case. But that's not all to say that being a stay-at-home mom is easy. No, I'm very, very grateful that I get to do this. But I guess just kind of speaking into or giving a picture of how I even became a stay-at-home mom, just to kind of know where I'm coming from. And honestly, I'm very grateful, but it just kind of like happened. It wasn't our plan. I am extremely blessed and extremely privileged. And I'll own that outright that I get to be one financially speaking. but yeah we didn't plan for that being the case even if you know my story you know like I never even really wanted to be a mom and like I had a very big dream and desire of climbing up the corporate ladder and I liked my job I was really good at it felt a lot of fulfillment in that and I did love the challenge of like hitting goals and hitting metrics and rising the ladder if you will So the story of then going from that to becoming a stay-at-home mom was that when we had our first, I took my company maternity leave.

6:10Like I was going back to work. We had child care figured out. I had my pumping schedule figured out. I returned to work for my maternity leave. And 11 days later, if memory serves me correctly, 10 % of my company was laid off. My entire team included me, my coworkers, my boss, my boss's boss, and then like a ton of different business units. Like our whole business unit was just gone overnight, but we weren't the only one, like 10 % of our company this happened to. And so that ended up being, I think it was like 8 ,500 people. And I was one of those. So that was not the plan, right? I was going to be working.

6:53but in God's goodness and in his providence, that company gave all of us that they just laid off a really generous severance package of six months, which was incredible to have because we just kind of viewed that as an extended maternity leave pretty much for me, which was just like a huge, huge, huge blessing. So the day that I got laid off, my husband turned to me and literally told me, now you have no choice. You have to start the podcast because he had just spent the last like six months hearing me talk and talk and even complain about, oh, I have this idea and I really want to do this. But when am I going to find the time?

7:38I'm going back to work. I'm not going to start this podcast and then not have time to see it through. But basically when I got laid off, turned to me that day and was like, you have no choice. You have all this time. You're going to have to start the podcast. So that same day that I got laid off, I started the podcast. I reached out to guests that very day, the guests of season one, and was like, hey, I know this is crazy. I don't have a podcast yet, but I'm going to be starting one and here's what it's about. And would you come on? So it's really, really absolutely insane to see where we are now with it all.

8:13So just a short little like, thank you so much for your support and for listening and for sharing and for everything. I am forever grateful. Thank you. But that's a little story. We have the layoffs to thank for making the podcast happen. So thank you, Salesforce. And then while I was taking advantage of this unofficial extended maternity leave, I fell in love with being at home. My husband and I started talking about the possibility of me not returning to work, what it would look like logistically, financially, like what it would look like for insurance, kind of all those details. And by the grace of God, we were able to swing it.

8:52We were able to make certain sacrifices and make decisions and make it happen. But it wasn't ever like, as you can see that it wasn't ever like, oh, I really want to be at home. It just kind of like happened, which I'm really, really grateful for. At one point, you know, I was like, I really don't want to go back. But it wasn't, I don't know, it was like, I didn't really have any job, Matthew was like, okay, we can try to see like how this can happen. So I just like never really applied for other jobs. It's a God story. Truly. It is really crazy, but I'm so grateful that it was able to happen because I do genuinely love it.

9:26And this podcast helps keep me at home as well. So again, thank you for listening and for supporting. And I know that as I say that, like, you know, I'm technically a working stay at home mom, so we can save like those logistics for another day or another episode. If you're curious about that and want more details, but like this podcast does help us make ends meet, help us hit our goals and stuff. So thank you so freaking much. Let's get real for a second. Parenting can feel isolating. You're making big decisions every day, and sometimes it's hard to know if you're on the right track. That's why I love the mom club.

10:07It's not only where you get access to more content, but it's where moms come together to talk about what's really going on, to ask honest questions and to feel seen in every version of motherhood. One mom club bestie said it perfectly when she said, I'm in a few different Patreon memberships, but the mom club is hands down the best, which I agree. You get a community and so much extra incredible content. If you've been craving community that really gets it, this is your place. Come join us at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. That links below in the episode show notes in case you forget or can't write it down right now fast enough.

10:49I can't wait to welcome you inside, mom friend. So now I've been a stay-at-home mom for three years. I don't know what the future will hold. We are very grateful that I'm able to stay at home, but I don't hold on to this like role or this title so tightly that I would never go back. I think we just like reevaluate. We just reevaluate like when we need to and what our family needs are. If my family needs me to be back in a traditional role, I'll go back into the workforce. I will be bummed, to be honest, because I do love this. But I'm not from the mindset of like, I must be home and this is awesome.

11:27It's like, I'm really, really grateful that I'm able to be home right now. If I'm not able to be at home in the future, that is a bummer. And I'm going to be sad about it. But like, I'll just go back. Like, I'll go back. It'll be fine. So that's the story. And now just kind of getting into the actual episode of today, talking about 11 things that I do to actually enjoy being a stay at home mom. number one I don't overcome it to anything whether that be in my in like motherhood and kids activities or whether that be the extracurriculars when I say extracurriculars I guess like the activities the friend groups the get-togethers all that stuff yeah I really don't overcommit.

12:14I get overwhelmed fairly easily, I feel like. So I have to limit, limit, limit. My goal is just to get out of the house once a day. That's all it is. There's this like really great Instagram account that's called Chan with the Boys, I think. And her whole slogan is like, I don't know, things to do as a stay-at-home mom who's never home or something. And I'm like, that's not me. I'm home quite a bit. We don't have a big home, but it's just like, it can make me feel overwhelmed when I'm overcommitted and when my kids are exhausted and tired and they haven't had their naps in two days or I haven't had time to make dinner and I'm rushing around and I feel really stressed and that just makes everyone else feel stressed.

12:58So the number one thing that I do is I don't overcommit. And that is hard. You have to say no a lot, but it's just like a muscle. You give a little bit of practice and you'll get more comfortable with saying no. Okay, moving on to number two, I keep things simple. And I don't make things harder than it has to be. I don't do like huge elaborate crafts at home with my kids. I don't do the whole Pinterest DIY things. On one hand, it's like, yes, I'm for simplicity. But also that's because that just doesn't really align with my strengths. So I don't want to add stress in by being like, I need to go buy all this material.

13:41And here's this Pinterest idea. And oh, my kid's not even there yet to do this craft. And now I'm forcing him to do something that he doesn't want to do. And this looks bad. And this isn't even the vision that I had. Because that's not my skill set either. So I don't really do any of that. Keeping it simple, even with like toys, we have a toy rotation. Originally, this started out as I had three bins of toys and then I would rotate the entire bin. I split their toys into thirds and then was still handing everything to like, you know, one third of their toys at once to them. And that really wasn't doing it.

14:20And after talking to so many guests this season about play and after kind of really evaluating how it works in our own home. We turned our linen closet into our toy closet. And in that, I just pull out like five toys. And then they play with them for like two or three days. They get bored of them pretty fast because I only pull out like five. And then we rotate. And that is it keeps things simple. And it's really easy. And it makes me less stressed. It makes them less stressed. It helps them play better, all of the things. So that's number two. And then number three, my husband and I work really hard to be equal when he's home.

15:00This is a challenge and I wouldn't say it is equal by any means, but I will say that our book club, like the besties on Patreon, we did how to not hate your husband while raising kids. That book was helpful. And then we've also talked a lot just about the mental load and like equaling things. So using kind of all of our dialogue from me talking with the besties on Patreon has helped us so much. But I wouldn't say it's equal, but it is extremely helpful. And I think that's a lot of stay-at-home moms really struggle in this department because it can get really easy to say that the grass is always greener, right?

15:44because we look at like working moms and it's like you get a break but stay home moms like we are 24 7 but then in my mind I'm always like but working mom like but then you come home you know but I do think it's a little easier for working moms to have conversations with their partners about like I just went to work too so you need to step up and like you're doing dinner four times a week just like you know and I'm doing three or whatever it is whereas I think it's a little more difficult for stay-at-home moms to have that. You really have to make sure your husband understands like you're working, this is your job, and you're entitled to rest and decompress in time and not being on 24-7.

16:28So what my husband and I do that seems to work for us, this isn't like a hard and fast rule. I kind of wish it was, but he tends to be in charge of the meals on the weekends and he typically makes breakfast in the mornings so that is awesome that's tip number three number four this one i think is big but i have an identity outside of motherhood and like activities that i participate in that i genuinely enjoy that really really fill my cup right now i have two that are going on and they're back-to-back nights and they bring me so much joy. I'm in a church group one of the nights and that's like just a small group of women.

17:12It's one of the highlights of my entire week that like truly fills my cup so, so much. And then the other night of the week that fills my cup is I am on a couple of co-ed soccer teams. It's in the same league and sometimes the teams do play against each other, but it is so fun. In fact, you're listening right now to the league champion that is right but it is so much fun so I played collegiate soccer in case you didn't know and so it just kind of really brings me back to like my happy place and I I love it like it is it fills my cup so much maybe it's the physical activity maybe it's the like actually getting to be competitive again I think there's a lot of things there for why I love it.

17:58But it's also just a time where like, no one is asking me for snacks. No one's asking me for dinner. I'm just like, Oh, got a game at five o 'clock tonight, honey. Bye. And he handles it all, which goes back to the previous tip. But finding activities outside of motherhood helps me be such a better mom. So I would really encourage you to do that. So that's number four. number five I have amazing mom friends who also are stay-at-home moms and that just helps me enjoy it more but this didn't happen overnight and that's why I'm bringing it up like it takes being a member of the village to have a good village and that has been a lesson that I've learned I know I talk so much about my phone use and how I've worked really hard to decrease my phone use and like all this stuff.

18:49But that was one of the big reasons was because I felt like I just didn't have time to be a good friend or to like bring a meal over to a friend who just had a baby or watch my friend's kids as she goes through a miscarriage. Like I didn't feel like I had time because I was spending all my time on my freaking phone. So once I got my phone use under control, goal which I've talked about in other places then I had time to be a good village member and therefore those people have turned around and been a really great village to me so that's been a huge blessing it's also taken me like out of my comfort zone there was one time where I went to this workout class I don't remember if it's like the first class free or the first week free or whatever and I literally only signed up to do the free thing and my goal was to make a mom friend made different.

19:40And I never went back. And I was like, I hit my goal. Katie and I still hang out. We are good, good friends. And it took me committing. And like, I went to that workout class. My goal was to make a friend. So I was, you know, trying to chit chat. I was kind of like feeling who has kids my age? Who can I talk to? Who's nice to talk to? Who do I actually like? Who do I more gravitate towards? Right. Because my goal was just to make a mom friend. And that took effort. But I think having amazing mom friends that are also stay at home moms has allowed me to enjoy being a stay-at-home mom as well. The next one, I rely on independent play a lot, which gives us all the space we need.

20:19A few weeks ago, I had Jill Lerman on the podcast and she talked all about ways to increase independent play. So I'm not really going to say so much here because you should just go back and listen to that episode. It is very, very good. I got a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of positive feedback on it. I think it resonated with a lot of women on sometimes we just need to make dinner or sometimes we just need 10 minutes of silence. And it's really hard when your kid doesn't do independent play well. So that episode is super, super helpful. But I will say that I rely on it a lot, even for our second. And I start that practice when they're babies, like when they're doing tummy time, when they're doing tummy time, you really have to be there.

21:04But But like basically as soon as they're old enough to like be on the floor and be contained by themselves, I'm like, this is your independent play time. And I'm going to peace. I'm going to be right over there if you need me. But that's been super, super helpful. And even the other day I used independent play. I put our oldest in her room and I was like, I need alone time and you need some alone time because we had an emotional day prior to that. We had skipped nap time. So I was like, you're going to play with your toys. Mommy's going to do some work. I'll catch you in a little bit. And it was such a nice little mental break for both of us, honestly.

21:40Then number seven, I have a positive attitude generally, which I have to work on it and I have to protect it. I speak about this a lot, but kind of in motherhood, generally speaking. So specifically for like being a stay-at-home mom, I think a lot of it comes down to attitude. And I understand that life is freaking hard. Like, I mean, there is stress, there's financial stress. You could have a kid in hospital. And I'm not really talking about in these like really big, tricky situations, because that's not a time that I think you should be like, put a bandaid over it and smile through it. I don't believe in that or subscribe to that kind of culture or idea.

22:22But I think for the times where like life is generally pretty good, like everybody is healthy, everybody is safe. Praise God. We have food in the fridge. We have a roof over our heads. Praise God. It's going to serve you so much better if you just kind of like have a good attitude. Stop seeing motherhood as being like, oh, this is such a sacrifice or this is so, so hard, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like it's really not serving you. And I have to do so much to protect that mental space. And I do that a lot with being very, very selective in my friendships. Because if I have a friend who is complaining about motherhood, being a stay-at-home mom specifically, like that doesn't help me.

23:12That just brings me down. And I need someone who's in the hard with me, but who sees the goodness and like, yeah, we had a really hard day. I'm really excited to go to bed tonight and we'll just try it again tomorrow. I'm like that's my freaking person and I'm not saying that toxic positivity is helpful and just put a band-aid over it. I do think it's really helpful to have a friend that you can vent to and be honest with and stuff but just like being super super negative about oh so-and-so he always needs me and I can't do anything and I can't get anything done and you know like just complain after complain you And you know who I'm talking about.

23:50You probably have someone literally in your brain that just popped up. I wouldn't have that person be in my inner circle. We can hang out in groups, but I really have to protect my peace, for lack of better words. And now it's time for this week's segment of Mom Mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener-submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation, and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering this week. Hey, Layla. First, I'm a longtime listener. Someone recommended me this podcast when I was pregnant, and I've never missed an episode.

24:27I even asked to be able to join the Bessies and Mom Club for Christmas. So hopefully you don't get tired of me, but I'm really excited for it. All of that to say, thank you for everything. My question is actually pretty basic. I don't think I'm the only one who struggles with this. But do you ever feel underappreciated as a mom or feel like you're losing yourself as a person? Everyone needs me for something and I don't really feel like myself. I guess I just don't know how to start feeling like myself again. Any advice? And then she ends it with thank you. Okay, first and foremost, you are not alone.

25:02I think a lot of us in motherhood feel very underappreciated. When you have a job, like your boss is, or if it's a good boss, they're telling you like, hey, you killed that presentation, or you did such a good job or you bring so much energy to the team or whatever. You don't get that same kind of feedback or engagement in motherhood. So I think like you're not alone. We're all feeling underappreciated. To answer that question, when you said, do you ever feel underappreciated as a mom? Yes. Yes, I do. And that is when I tell my husband and I should do a better job of doing it prior to when I'm really feeling down in the dumps.

25:44but I need to tell him much earlier and be like, hey, I am feeling underappreciated and I need you to lift me up. Speak kind words of encouragement. Tell me I'm doing a good job because it's really lonely. And to your second question, or feel like you're losing yourself as a person. I have, and I have been there and I have done that, but I would recommend getting into activities and groups where you don't bring your kids. Either you have your husband watch the kids. So like typically this is at night. Have your husband watch the kids or if you can swing it, get a babysitter. You can also, I love this idea, you can do like group childcare, if you will.

26:33Meaning like you have a good girlfriend and you work it out with her. That's like, I'll watch the kids or we'll take turns every other Monday. or I watch the kids Monday and you watch the kids Tuesday. And so, you know, you drop the kids off at each other's house and one of you takes a turn watching the kids and the other one takes a turn doing something that they enjoy. I would not recommend using that free time to go grocery shopping or to put gas in your car or like anything that's still mom duty. Don't do it then. That is your time to sign up for a workout class. That's your time to sign up for an art class, a singing class, a dance class, whatever you are interested in.

27:19That is the time to do it. When your husband is able to wash them at nights, that is your time to go do something that you enjoy. If you hate getting your hair done, stop going to the nail salon. That is your time to feel like a person. Like, I hate getting my nails done. I think it's incredibly boring. I don't go. I'm not wasting child care time to go do an activity that I, what I do do, what I have found so much joy in this season doing is two nights a week, I have quote unquote off. Sunday nights, I am in an adult soccer league. It is so much fun. I am on two teams. I'm on a team of like people our age.

28:06And then I'm on a second team of people who are much older on that team. It's like ex-professional soccer players. They're 50, they're 60 year olds. It is so much fun. That is like my favorite time of the week. I leave Sunday nights soccer and I'm just, I'm so rejuvenated. I really feel like myself because of that one day a week. Oh my gosh, I love it. And then the second day on Monday nights. I have my church group, which also brings me so much joy, but in a different way. I love it. Like truly Sunday and Mondays, that time away from the kids where I'm not a mom, I'm not taking care of anyone.