8 Things I Do to Enjoy Motherhood More and Feel Less Overwhelmed | Ep. 113

0:00Welcome to the Learning To Mom podcast. My name is Layla, your official mom friend, and here we discuss all things pregnancy, postpartum, and early motherhood without making you feel overwhelmed. Here we don't partner bash or judge other moms for having different viewpoints than us. Here we acknowledge the hard that comes with motherhood, but we don't just stop there complaining about it. We discuss the tools to overcome the hard so you can be the best mom you can be while finding that motherhood can be full of fun, joy, and peace. We do lean a little bit towards the more screen-free play, barefoot outside adventures, intentional family time, and questioning the status quo, asking ourselves if that's really the right parenting choice or just today's cultural norm.

0:45So if that sounds like your vibe, you're going to love it here. Each individual featured in the podcast, including myself, comes with their own perspective and background. So please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

1:03Learning To Mom:Hey, this is a unique, fun episode that I'm really excited for. I hardly ever do solos, so it's kind of fun when they happen. I do have a few more solo episodes planned for this season than I do normally, but this is the first one of this season, so I'm really excited for it. Typically, when I have a solo episode, I like to write out a script to keep me on topic and make sure my messaging is brief and succinct, but today I am throwing that all out of the window. So I do have an outline and a few little nuggets of things that I want to make sure I say. But for the most part, it's really just a flow of what I want to say today.

1:51So get ready to listen like we're true mom friends.

1:57Learning To Mom:Imagine like we're out on a stroller walk. I'm giving you the whole tea or like we're catching up on each other's couches while our kids get into everything all around us. Today, I'm just going to share my heart. I'm going to share a little bit about my story if that's new to you. And I'm going to share eight things that I do that allow me to enjoy motherhood more. First things first, I think we kind of need to start with where I was going into motherhood. In case you don't know my story, I never wanted to be a mom. That sounds very harsh, but I didn't really view it that way. It wasn't that like there is no way in a thousand years that I would become a mom.

2:41Learning To Mom:It was just that some women are given this really beautiful desire from a very young age to want to be a mother. Some little girls truly desire to be a mom from a very, very young age. And that really was not me. I also think that this is like very interesting because I had a really wonderful mom. If you have listened to the Q &A episode that I did with my mom, you can tell my mom is amazing. And I had a lot of fear going into motherhood that I wasn't going to be as good of a mom as her because she's so great. So I do think it's really interesting that although I had this really beautiful upbringing in an awesome example of what a mom is.

3:27Learning To Mom:I didn't dream of that when I was little. As I got older and as I'm growing and taking in messaging that the world puts out there, I internalized all of the lies that society tells you about motherhood, that you're going to lose yourself. You're going to lose your body. Kids aren't worth it. They're such a hassle. You have to give up so much and the sacrifice is not worth it. And I very much believed that because I was inundated with that from Hollywood, from the media, from relatable mom accounts on Instagram who just harp on how hard motherhood is all the time. I just really believed that all of that was true.

4:13And so it didn't necessarily counter with something that I had like deep in my heart as a little girl.

4:19Learning To Mom:It was just like, oh, motherhood does suck. Okay, yeah, no biggie. I don't really have any desire to want to have kids. Maybe one day if I meet the right person, but even then, who knows? Essentially, never wanted to become a mom. And that was solidified because of the messaging of the world. And that is why the Learn to Mom podcast is very pro equipping you with the tools to get through the hard while being your mom friend and having fun while doing it. But I am so over just complaining about motherhood because we are scaring the next generation of moms. We are even scaring our own children from wanting to have children.

5:03Learning To Mom:I am very open-minded about a lot of things if you're a longtime listener. And I have a lot of grace for a lot of things. But this is a hill that I will die on, that motherhood is worth it. Um, and if we continue to portray motherhood in this cynical, dark, negative light, our children don't grow up to believe that they have worth and women won't grow up to see the value of motherhood and how amazing it is. And I know that because that used to be my perspective, right? Um, it is so much better than I anticipated. Oh, wait, I guess I'm, I'm getting ahead of here. Um, met the love of my life. We met when I was 23, 24 years old and we got pregnant outside of marriage within a year of dating.

6:00Learning To Mom:That was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. I fell into deep depression. A lot of that was because I was having a baby out of wedlock and that was a very difficult pill to swallow in the community that I came from. A side note though, that community totally engulfed me and I was never cast out and I was loved and I was cared for. And I am so thankful for that community. And I still have a deep personal relationship with the Lord. I could go on and on about what that experience did for me spiritually. That's not the point of this episode, so I'm not going to get into it. But the biggest takeaway from my experience there was what I thought was a punishment.

6:48I thought getting pregnant out

6:51Learning To Mom:of wedlock was this punishment for having sex outside of marriage. I realized in hindsight through motherhood, through actually getting to become a mom, I realized that it was God giving me a blessing that I didn't deserve. And it was so hard for me to even realize that it was a blessing because I was hurting so much and I was so embarrassed and I was so shameful and all of these things. So motherhood is way better than I anticipated. Maybe that's because I had such low expectations because I was like, this isn't for me and I'm going to hate it. And all these women on Instagram complain about it all the time.

7:33Um, and I have thoroughly loved it, but I think people are mad at women for enjoying motherhood because for so long, the world has been saying that

7:50Learning To Mom:children rob women of joy. And then when women actually experience it, we're calling out the lies and people are upset because perhaps they have bought into the lies themselves. It is also hard, but two things can be true at the same time. It can be fun, joyful, and way more fulfilling than I ever thought possible. And at the same time, be so incredibly hard, but all of the goodness from it far outweighs all of the hard. so that is my thoughts on that i'm interrupting this episode to let you know that this is the last call to join our mom club on patreon for the legacy rate in case you've missed it our mom club is our patreon community where you get to be more informed with ad-free full-length episodes and extra interviews if the podcast is like your parenting textbook then the mom club is like your mom friends group chat and book club rolled into one.

8:47This is where the info comes to life and where moms actually connect. I've been undercharging for the value that we give. So starting Saturday, November 1st, the price is going up to$15 a month. So if you want in, now is your chance. Lock in the$6.44 a month to get full access to everything our mom club offers. You'll feel fully prepared with early access to episodes so you can make the right decisions for your family when you need to make them. You'll have greater support through monthly book club Zoom meetings and a space to connect with other moms. Join at learningtomompodcast.com slash join or head to the link in the show notes before you forget.

9:28I can't wait to welcome you in.

9:31Learning To Mom:Things have changed. So just sharing more about my heart and my journey into motherhood, some priorities that have changed massively in my life. One, the priority to live well below our means so that I can stay home and we can save for a larger home since we would love to have a larger family. That is a priority that has shifted that I never saw coming. We are in a very, very small home and we are, what is the expression? Bursting at the seams, whatever it is, in this home. And we would love to get pregnant again. We would love to continue to grow our family. And instead of being like, we need to get into a bigger home, we're like, how can we make this work?

10:25Learning To Mom:How can we pack them in? Because simply the math equation is, in this small home, I can stay at home. That's the perspective shift. Secondly, privacy. Keeping my kids offline is a huge priority shift since becoming a mom. And I will say that it didn't happen when I became a mom. And I think I'm going to have to do a solo episode because I do get asked about this all of the time. It is one of my most requested because whenever I say anything about this, people are like, tell us more. And I understand. And I get that. So I can't share it all here. When we had our first child, I really started going through like all of my Facebook friends and deleting, deleting, deleting.

11:19Learning To Mom:And that was because I only wanted people who I could trust, who I really knew seeing pictures of my kids on my private social media. Then of course, on this public account, my kids are just not there at all. Well, fast forward, last year, a childhood friend was tried and charged and arrested for child pornography. And that flipped my world upside down. I have never been probably more like more impacted and bothered and freaked out by any other incident in my whole life and there's a lot of other reasons that go into that like but it at its core it taught me that even though I have reduced all of these online people who have access to my kids' pictures, I don't know them as well as I think I do.

12:20Learning To Mom:You can't trust everybody. So that was when I stopped posting my kids even on my private account. And prior to becoming a mom, that story, I would have found out about this childhood friend of mine and it would have really upset me. I'm sure I still would have cried. I still would have lost sleep over it. But I think without that perspective of, oh my gosh, these are my kids. You have pictures of my kids. You could have done anything with images of them. It hits on a different note. And I think that this is something, because I've posted and I've talked a lot with my followers about this topic.

13:07Learning To Mom:It is something that I think we easily sweep under the rug until an incident like this happens, until it personally impacts us. Because that's how I was, honestly, prior to this incident with this person. I would be like, yeah, I don't love that I'm posting them, but it's fine. I've reduced the amount of followers enough. It's probably not great, but it's fine. And I kind of made excuses for it. And then that incident happened and I couldn't keep making excuses. And now that is another hill that I will die on. Children's faces do not belong on social media. Take them off. Take them off. It is not worth the risk.

13:44Okay.

13:44Learning To Mom:That's end of my soapbox there. Another perspective that changed since becoming a mom is honestly, this is, oh, I hate to be talking about this, but this is true. This is, I think that's just my worldview has changed is that I care about non-tox living now. And that used to annoy the freaking crap out of me. I used to just get so annoyed when people would talk about it. I was just like, I don't give a single frick frack. But then when our oldest developed a dairy allergy, that changed the game for me and for us because we didn't know it was a dairy allergy. We just knew that something was wrong.

14:30Learning To Mom:And we had to figure it out. And I turned our entire home and our entire life upside down trying to figure it out. And I am very grateful that we ended up finding the culprit. But basically, in the meantime, before we figured out that it was dairy, it forced me to find out so much about so many other things. What's in our food? What's in the products that we wear? What's in the products that we spray around our home, in our home and outside of our home? What's in the air we're breathing? What's being in our laundry detergent? What's being in my moisturizer and my skincare? Like I looked at everything because I was trying to figure it all out.

15:15Learning To Mom:And basically once you learn that, you can't go back. Once I found the truth about the risks and ingredients that I was using in my home and on my body and eating and exposing my children to, there was no going back and I can't shut up about it. So all of a sudden, non-toxic living started being a priority when it really used to not be. I didn't really give a crap until I became a mom and I had a reason to care because I love these little souls way more than I love myself. Like that's the thing about motherhood. Maybe that's why it's so awesome and so beautiful because you really do love something and would do anything for them.

16:07Learning To Mom:gosh, it's the best to get to experience this kind of love is awesome. So the three things that we do in our home, when it comes to non-tax living that I really focus on, everyone is different, but if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, then you know that I am very much about bandwidth and what we have bandwidth for. So the first things that I do is like anything that's free. I like to open the windows and get fresh air in the house. We like to be outside as much as possible. We like to be barefoot as much as possible. We don't watch a lot of screens. I try to limit alcohol. All of that free stuff is kind of one priority or one of the biggest priorities for us on this prioritizing non-tax living.

16:57Learning To Mom:And then the next for us is food. I am not like a, it is 100 % organic. It is 100 % at home from scratch 100 % of the time. I'm not that way. And to be honest, I don't really care to be because I don't want to be so dang stressed about life and live in a way that is super restricting. so like yes I don't always buy the clean organic food when I have a weekend with family and I know I'm going to be stressed I'm going to opt for buying the processed croutons and the toll house cookie dough because I don't want the added stress of making everything from scratch before we get there I want to enjoy my time more so I have limits but we do make most of our meals at home and then also that plays a role in living below our means that helps out as well but I am very strict when it comes to cleaning products and when it comes to skincare products and mostly because those two areas like aren't a bandwidth thing for me like I know the brands that work and that are clean, I have to buy cleaning products regardless.

18:15Learning To Mom:So I'm going to buy that brand. It doesn't add any additional stress or anything more to my plate by buying the better option. Whereas when I have to make something from scratch, that's added stress and bandwidth that I don't always have the time for, which is why I'm not always a hundred percent non-toxic as clean as possible. Um, and because I know you're going to ask since I just talked about it for cleaning products, I only buy from this company called truly free home. They are a non-toxic cleaning product company. And I literally buy all of our products from them. Dishwasher detergent, laundry detergent, glass cleaner, toilet bowl, cleaner, floor cleaner, everyday multi-use spray, literally everything.

19:03Learning To Mom:I can't even remember the last time I walked down a cleaning aisle because I just, I buy from them. So their stuff is free from harmful chemicals like chlorine, bleach, phosphates, dyes, synthetic fragrances, and other ingredients so that I don't have to worry about our second crawling on top of harmful chemicals that will increase his risk for cancers or him starting puberty early. So if you wanna try out Truly Free Home, my listeners do have a discount that I've shared before and I'm gonna share it here. It's learning to mom, all caps, all one word. You get 30 % off their entire website. I have it linked below in the show notes.

19:42Learning To Mom:It's awesome. Like I highly, highly, highly recommend them. And then the same goes for why I'm picky on skincare and makeup, because it doesn't add to my stress. I order it. I use it, apply it the same as I would if it was a conventional brand. But the brand I use is completely free from chemicals that increase your cancer risk or mess up your hormones. And not just that, but obviously it impacts my kids because I don't want my kids touching me after that stuff is on my face. I remember prior to swapping out my makeup to this brand, I would put on lip gloss or lipstick and then I wouldn't kiss my kids.

20:26Learning To Mom:And I was like, that's not the life that I want. Like I want to be able to give my kids a thousand kisses a day and not be scared of passing on these harmful chemicals. Like it impacts them because my skin is touching them and therefore the harmful chemicals is also getting on them. And in case you didn't know, this might be helpful for you to know. So back in 1938, Congress passed a law to govern the safety of beauty and personal care products. That law ended up banning 11 ingredients that were found in cosmetics. This is 1938, 11 ingredients. We've come a long way in science, in research, in lab-made chemicals that are then added to our cosmetic products.

21:13Learning To Mom:We've come a long way since 1938. We've learned so much about ingredients that harm our hormones, our fertility, our long-term health, but still nothing has been added to that list. So that is why you are able to go to Walgreens or Ulta or get the new cool brand that a celebrity made. And it is legally fine, but that's because hardly anything is banned here, which is such a freaking joke. To give you some perspective, the European Union has banned more than 1 ,600 chemicals found in beauty and personal skincare products. Yet, we are still at the 11 that were here from 1938. This company that I buy all of my makeup and skincare from has the strictest ingredient guidelines for their products that I've found, which is why I love them.

22:10Learning To Mom:They're third-party tested and they actually work because I've struggled with acne and their stuff is truly transforming my skin. And they don't use over 10 ,000 ingredients in their products that you would find in foundation or moisturizer in the Walgreens or Ulta Isle. This company truly is the strictest that I've found. They believe you can have clean skincare and makeup without increasing your risk for harmful stuff. So this brand is called Crunchy. I've talked a lot about them before, but if you don't know where to start with them and you just want to dip your toe in, then head to learningtomompodcast.com slash makeup.

22:55Learning To Mom:I have my makeup staples of theirs listed because I know when you're trying to figure it out online by yourself, it can be really hard and a little bit overwhelming, especially if you're not a makeup girly. You're just like, I need someone to tell me what to get. So I have all of my makeup staples linked there, learningtomompodcast.com slash makeup. And I have a discount code for you there as well. And that's in the show notes. So all of that to say, I really used to not give a crap about non-toxic living. And then I had kids and my entire perspective has changed. So that was the first part of the episode.

23:34Learning To Mom:Thanks so much for listening. I wanted to give a little bit about a backstory to where I'm coming from and how I've changed and how my outlook on life has changed since becoming a mom. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of MomMail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering today. Hi, Layla. First, thank you for always keeping it real and making me feel like I'm not alone in this whole motherhood thing.

24:13I'm currently eight months postpartum and honestly, I feel like I'm failing at everything. My baby sleeps okay, but my toddler has been acting out so much and I constantly feel pulled in a million directions. I thought I'd get the hang of this by now, but I'm exhausted, impatient, and sometimes I just want to hide in the bathroom for five minutes of peace. How do you survive when it feels like everything is falling apart at once without feeling like a terrible mom? I'm going to give you some tough love. Maybe not some tough love is the right word, but I don't think if all you're needing is like five minutes of peace, like that's not that's not bad just wanting five minutes just wanting five minutes to do your own business is not bad to be honest that's what I have started to do um because my previous technique of my husband coming home and me going I need a break and then running into the bedroom and closing the door and saying mama needs alone time was not working and it was kind of scaring everyone So I started, my husband comes home and I take a long extended potty break for me to decompress and have some alone time.

25:27And it works a lot more seamless. There's no more yelling. It's just understood mommy's in the bathroom and she needs a break. First, I don't think you're a bad mom at all for wanting five minutes of peace. But I do think that that was just like one thing that you said. and really you're just, it just sounds like you're overwhelmed still and that you're still struggling. So first, overwhelm is normal. And I'm not saying that to make you be like, to make you think or get the impression that I'm saying it's normal. So you should just move on and get over it. I'm saying that it's normal so that you understand that you're not alone because I I know motherhood can feel rather isolating and we're only seeing each other's highlight reels on Instagram.

26:18So you might not know that really everyone else is also feeling overwhelmed. And the fact that you are, I guess, like feeling like you're struggling, and I'm not saying that you're not because we all have different support. And I think that's what I'm going to talk about a little bit. It shows that you care. Like the fact that you want to be this amazing, awesome mom, it just shows that you care. But I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed. So speaking of that, I guess I would just give you some advice to get out of the overwhelm a bit. Simplify your life. Do as little as possible. Like get everything off of your calendar for a week, for two weeks, however long it takes.

27:02Don't commit to anything that's planned. Unsubscribe from the mom and me workout classes downtown your community. Hunker down and just do things as simply as possible. Don't worry about super fancy meals. Make spaghetti and meatballs. Like do things so simply and easy and allow yourself a breather. Also allow yourself some patience and some grace because it does sound like you might be giving yourself a hard time. Your specific question, how do you survive when it feels like everything is falling apart at once? Honestly, I'm a woman of prayer. I have a really deep relationship with the Lord. I survive by clinging to the Lord, which I know might not be your experience and your journey.