Faith, Motherhood, and Finding Peace in the Chaos | Ep. 134

0:00Hi, it's Layla, your official mom friend, welcoming you to another episode of the Learning to Mom podcast. Here we discuss all things motherhood so you can be empowered and educated without feeling overwhelmed. Each expert guest and myself comes with our own perspective and background. So please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. You're going to get a lot out of this week's episode, Mom Friend, So let's get right into it. Motherhood has stretched me in ways that I never expected.

0:35There are moments that feel sacred and slow, and then there are moments where someone is crying, someone has spilled something, I haven't sat down all day, and I'm wondering how I'm supposed to feel peaceful in the middle of all the chaos. Now, if you're a longtime listener, you know that I am a devout Catholic and absolutely love having a relationship with the Lord. is not something that I talk about a lot on here, but it does pop up from time to time. So this episode might resonate with you, it might not. Either way, you are welcome here to listen in and just hear more about my story and perspective and all the things.

1:11I hope you enjoy it, whether you believe in God or you don't. I know not everyone is going to love every single episode, this one included. That's how content works. That's how podcasts work. But this episode is just from my heart, and given the numerous conversations I've had with my listeners, I know that the majority of you are believers, so I hope that this just speaks to the majority of you. So today, I want to talk about faith, motherhood, and how we actually find peace when life doesn't feel peaceful. I am going to try to keep this a very short, sweet episode. get in, get out. I know I said that last time about when I announced that we were pregnant with number three and we're really thrilled about it.

2:02And then before I knew I had been talking for like, gosh, I don't know. I think my Patreon members got like, was it an hour over an hour of that episode after I said we'd keep it short and sweet. This one will be short and sweet. Okay. It will. So kind of in contrast to my longer episodes with a guest, this one is going to be short. And then lastly, kind of before we dive in, just want to share that I don't have this all figured out. I'm not trying to come from this place of holier than thou. I have figured out how to have a striving relationship with the Lord in the midst of the chaos. I'm just kind of sharing like what motherhood has taught me, how my faith has changed through motherhood.

2:50Just sharing from the heart. Like I'm, I'm really not trying to be an expert about it. And hopefully that would resonate with you because if you're just striving for sainthood alongside of me, then I know that you get the challenges as well. So first I wanted to talk about why we all can feel like motherhood just feels so chaotic today. And I have sat down with this to really try to really try to figure it out. And I think it comes from a few things. First, definitely social media comparison. I think I'm at my happiest and I am a happier mother and I am more content in life when I am limiting my social media time.

3:40I just think it's really easy, even though we know we're seeing everyone's highlight reels, it's really easy to see like a picture curated home, picture perfect curated home, Pinterest worthy dinners, like all that stuff. So I just think social media comparison is kind of making us all feel a lot more like we have to strive or like keep up with the Joneses because we're not meant to see the inside of everyone's homes. We're not meant to be inundated with all of the parenting information from all these influencers all the time. And I know that's ironic coming from me, but I do try to, I vet to the best of my ability.

4:24And I really try not to come from like a pushy expertise part. I let my guests speak and share their expertise. And then I just try to share from my own perspective and experience. And I always say, take everything with a grain of salt. Mom friend, I'd love to invite you into the mom club on Patreon because honestly, it feels like coming over for coffee. Imagine sitting on my couch, a latte or a tea in hand, and really talking. The kind of conversations that don't have to be rushed or cut short. That's what the mom club is. It's a place where you get the full episodes, but also where we slow down, we learn from each other, and we remind ourselves that we're not meant to do this alone.

5:08And yes, there is a book club too, which if I'm honest, is my favorite part. So if that kind of connection is something that you're craving, come join us at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. The link's in the show notes below for you, and I cannot wait to see you inside. Another thing that I think motherhood feels so chaotic today, and I really believe this wholeheartedly and one that I will just shout from the rooftops, is the extracurricular overload. I really detest this about today's culture and it is not something that I subscribe to. I am not one that is going to keep my baby or my toddler or my preschooler in a thousand different extracurriculars.

5:59I don't think that that is healthy. And in today's society, we've just been like, I don't know, there's just such like a, we have to keep them in, we got to get them in swim and we got to get them in ballet and we got to get them in soccer and we have to get them in jimboré and we have to get them in ninja class and we have to get them in basketball when they can dribble and all this stuff. Like we really do not. We do not. We do not. I know that there's such a pressure for like, well, if they're going to be a D1 athlete and get a scholarship, then I have to put them in soccer now. That is not the freaking case.

6:36They're 18 months. They do not need to be in soccer now. They just want to like play in the grass and they don't want actually structured activities 24 seven. And I just see the chaos of the overwhelm that moms have thinking that in order to keep up, in order to have my child be on par with everyone else, they also have to be in all these extracurriculars. So I see it from that standpoint of just like mental overwhelm. And then also just the financial overwhelm. These activities are really expensive. So that just adds to the chaos. Like I just really encourage you to not give in to the extracurricular overload and not that we have it all figured out, but we do prioritize.

7:28We have like swim. We are a lake family. Both grandparents have lake homes. So it is really imperative to us and our lifestyle that our children know how to swim because they are around water all the time. If they weren't around water all the time, I don't think I would put them in swim, to be honest. So that is an extracurricular we do. And then my daughter has done two other extracurriculars and our 18-month-old has not done anything yet. But he will when he has – starts to have actual interests and cares and like – yeah, and actually can voice what he wants to do. Because right now like everything is an extracurricular with him.

8:14Like we just hang out and we have so much fun. Then the next point that I think that motherhood feels so chaotic today is this bulldozer or helicopter parenting. And I've learned a lot about this from Jonathan Haidt's book, The Anxious Generation, and then Lenora Skenazi's book, Free – gosh, dang it. What is it called? Free Range Childhood? Free Range Play? shoot, I should have that memorized because then book club, the besties read it in our Patreon book club. And it just, both those books just really kind of opened my eyes to the societal norm of today's parenting. You have two types. You have the traditional like helicopter parenting where you're just standing over your child all the time.

9:00Be careful, be careful, blah, blah, blah. It's really stressful because you aren't ever sitting down and you think that if your child gets hurt, if they fall down, if they get messy, that it's on you, which it's not. Like they are a child. They actually have, they have to learn consequences, natural consequences when the risks are low and learn to trust themselves and trust their bodies, all that stuff. Okay. I'm not going to get into it. And then the other way that parents today can parent is the bulldozer parenting, which instead of a helicopter as you're like floating above, be careful, be careful.

9:39You just go in front of your child and try to proactively fix all of the things that could go wrong prior to it happening. And that is also exhausting. Basically, these two ways of our parenting norms and today just really shows us that we are raising kids in a culture that is obsessed with control. We obviously want our kids to be safe, but we want the perfect sleep schedule and the perfect routine for perfect outcomes. and all of that is just adding to the chaos because it's not possible and it's overwhelming us. And the thing is, is that kids just aren't predictable. There's no such thing as a perfect sleep schedule or a perfect routine or perfect outcomes because kids aren't predictable.

10:38And when we have this expectation of perfection or predictability in motherhood, it again only adds, it doesn't necessarily add to the chaos, but I think it makes us think that our life is more chaotic than it is because our expectation isn't right. Like having chaos in your life as motherhood, and this is, when I say chaos, there is like bad toxic chaos, right? I'm not really talking about that. I'm just talking about like the chaos of, you know, you got one kid screaming, you got another kid on your, who just wants to be held while you're trying to chop an onion for dinner. You got another kid.

11:17That's the chaos that I'm talking about here. It is normal with life for children. And I know for me, the chaos of motherhood when it's this, it's not toxic. You're not in an abusive relationship. You're not in an abusive home, not that kind of chaos. But the chaos of motherhood pushes me toward my faith more because it really exposes just how little control I actually have.

11:57And it's forced me to just surrender it all to the Lord, which has deepened my trust in him. And it's just like honestly just been such a good reminder that like I actually really have no control. And I want to hold these kids so tightly because they mean more to me than anything in the world. But we actually have no control over it. And that is such a hard, like, truth to come to terms with in our humanity. But motherhood has also been showing me something different that just, like, the peace. It's not that, oh, my gosh, if I can just get everyone to stop crying all the time. And if I can decrease my overwhelm, then the chaos is going to end and then I'll experience peace.

12:48But I've learned through my relationship with the Lord in motherhood that peace can coexist with this chaos that I'm experiencing as motherhood. Peace doesn't just show up when the chaos ends. so talking about what my faith actually looks like in my motherhood today because this is something that I get asked a lot about really I think when I first became a mom I kind of had to grieve what my past relationship with Jesus looked like to be honest and that's kind of a unique way to explain it, but I was really used to like having 30 minutes of journal Bible time every morning with Jesus. And like, that's kind of what my marker was.

13:41If I like had a strong relationship with Jesus was like, did I spend 30 minutes with him every morning? If like, if I did, then I'm feeling really good. And if I'm not, then I need some help. I need some accountability. and so when I first became a mom and I know there's like Instagram gurus out there who will talk about you know you need to be journaling and there's people that will still tell you like you need to prioritize your relationship with Jesus and you still need to do that and I agree to that to a point but then like also you're not the one who was up five times last night and you're not the one who had a sick kid with a fever who was sleeping in your bed last night like I don't know I think it's really easy to preach those things when you are not in the midst of the chaos, if you will.

14:29So when I first became a mom, I kind of had to like grieve almost. I don't know if it's the relationship, but I guess the way that I saw a relationship with Jesus out. I had to grieve that because I just no longer had the capacity for that anymore. And I had to trust that, like, that's not what – yes, like, Jesus wants time with you. And he wants personal time with you. But he wants your heart overall. He doesn't care if you're spending these 30 minutes every day. Like, he – how do I word this? Like, he does care because that is beautiful and, like, you're seeking a deeper relationship with him.

15:17But like you could also fit those 30 minutes throughout the day, whether that be opening your Bible, whether that be 30 minutes of prayer throughout the day or whatever it is. Like he just wants your heart in the little ways. So I kind of had to, I had to reframe what seeking a relationship with the Lord really looks like as I entered motherhood, just because I didn't have those, like that 30 minutes to give to him every day. what seeking Jesus looks like today in my motherhood is really like taking advantage of when I'm doing the dishes and saying a prayer then, or saying a prayer when I first get into my car, kind of finding all of these little ways to invite Jesus in.

15:59And I used to think, again, when I first became a mom and I was kind of grieving the loss of that 30-minute of journal time and Bible time because I still love that form of prayer. I do. I just no longer have that capacity to do that. So at first I kind of thought like, well, shoot, this isn't good enough. This isn't quality enough. But I think with the help of the Lord and Him showing me like, Layla, you're still giving 100%. You're 100 % of seeking a relationship with me just looks very different now than it did prior to you becoming a mom. And that still brings me honor and glory and it still delights in me and I still love you and I'm still going to bless that time with you and all of those things.

16:47And thanks to him kind of changing my perspective about it, I've come to see that although I do like miss having that quality time, it's beautiful in a different way because I think before I almost restricted him to this like 30 minute block and then sometimes I would think about him throughout the day if I was listening to Christian music or like you know I was talking about my relationship with the Lord with a friend or something like that but now he's just much more interwoven into like everything I do he's invited in, which I think is so, so beautiful. And I didn't see the beauty of that at first.

17:30I just thought this isn't good enough. This isn't deep enough. But instead, it's totally good enough and so beautiful to be constantly inviting Jesus into all of the little things, right? And to me doing dishes and to me doing the laundry and to my car rides and to, Lord, please give me the patience to go into my baby's bedroom for the fifth time tonight when I I really just want to sleep. It's all of those little moments. So that is how my relationship with Jesus has kind of transformed. I've had to learn that it's okay for it not to be scheduled. And I've just begun to notice Jesus in all the small ways.

18:14So seeing how he's pursuing me in all the mundane moments, you know, like I've mentioned praying while doing the dishes and just taking like something else that I've done is take true advantage of the times when we pray as a family. So before meals, nighttime prayer, that's kind of the two times that we like pray as a family. And I think it's really easy to not take advantage of those times and kind of rush through those moments and just kind of like get them over with, kind of like it's a checkbox, right? So just super, I don't know, just like not really have your heart be in those prayers. And I've noticed like, or maybe not even noticed, I've just kind of had the revelation probably, you know, thanks be to God that that is an opportunity for prayer.

19:04And I need to take advantage of every single opportunity that I have because my time or my prayer time is so limited with him that like when I am given an opportunity to prayer, mean it, or to pray mean it. Because not only does this set an example to my kids, but it's also a legit real opportunity for prayer. And I'm just kind of throwing it away when I just rush through it and I don't take advantage of it. One of the most common questions I receive is what pregnancy or nursing safe skincare and makeup do you recommend? In case you didn't know, it is so important to be using pregnancy and nursing safe skincare during those seasons.

19:44I mean, I believe it's important to always have toxin-free skincare and makeup. You're literally putting those products on your body, but it's even more so important when you're pregnant and postpartum. Pregnancy and postpartum hormone shifts lead to skin discoloration, hormonal acne, loss of collagen, which can cause pimples, new fine lines repair, everything. So I understand the desire to find stuff that works because you want to feel your best and be the most confident version of yourself as possible in these seasons, which is why I've been using Crunchy because it actually looks good and I have peace of mind while using it because their ingredients are clean.

20:25I could literally talk for days about them and why I stand behind them so freaking hard from both an ingredient standpoint and from a performance standpoint, but I don't think you'll believe me until you just bite the bullet and try it for yourself. And there's no harm in trying it. They have a 30-day money-back guarantee, but I literally have never returned anything, and the whole contents of my makeup bag is from them. And speaking of my makeup bag, I linked everything that's in my clean makeup bag to help you get started to see my go-to regular products. Or you can go straight to their website.

21:03I linked both in the show notes below for you. Something else that I've done that has just helped my faith so freaking much is getting plugged into mother's groups and church women's events so that I have accountability. I have Christ-centered friendships, and I just get to have quality conversations about faith, about our church, about God. That has helped so, so much. And that is something that I've really had to like prioritize and seek out because that is something that doesn't necessarily come. A lot of times someone won't invite you into their Bible study. You're going to have to check your church bulletin and see where, you know, where you can get plugged in.

21:53And I was really inspired by, I'm in like our local mom's Facebook group. And someone recently posted that was just like, hi, you know, we go to this church, but they don't have any mom Bible studies. And I'm looking for a Bible study that I can join that also has child care so that I can actually have quality conversations. And I've been in both kinds. I've been in groups where the baby is invited in, and I've been in groups where the baby isn't there. And I think both are beautiful. I don't have a preference over the other. I think my preference is whatever. You know, I'm probably not going to go to the Bible study where babies can't be when I have a six-week-old.

22:31But I might join it when my baby is 18 months or a year or whenever I feel comfortable to leave my child in that child care. So I think that both have value and both have, like, I just think it's great. And you might just have to seek it out. But if you're not in anything now, I would really, really encourage you to be because it has helped my faith life so, so much. I've also, I guess my faith and relationship with the Lord and motherhood, it's all tied together. I've really learned how sacrificing and sanctifying mother is. like as I choose patience for the 100th time in a day, that is so sanctifying as a Christian.

23:21Or as I humbly ask for forgiveness from my child as I, you know, after I raise my voice at them, like that takes, that's sanctifying. And the Lord delights in that. And it's so humbling. And just motherhood has given me such a deeper, I don't know, understanding, like deeper relationship. I don't know. I just think maybe understanding, a different understanding because I also think that people without kids, it's not like my relationship with the Lord is stronger or better because I have kids over someone who doesn't. I just think perhaps the Lord has taught me lessons through motherhood that I didn't have before.

24:08And I've learned just so much more about like God's love for us and yeah, like how sacrificial and sanctifying motherhood is and how the Lord just like delights in that. And he delights in so much of motherhood. It's just like, I don't know. I've just learned so, so much. And I am so grateful for the perspective shift that motherhood has allowed me to have through that. So the last thing that I wanted to talk about, sorry, I feel like I've been all over in this episode. Hopefully this has resonated with some of you. I guess this is just a long-winded kind of monologue of me just sharing kind of my faith today and how motherhood has changed my faith in all in great ways.

24:58But I think wrapping this up, talking about like chaos and my faith, I have really learned the lesson of surrender.

25:14Something that I told my Patreon listeners because they get the full access all the episodes and I kind of gave them like a spiel at the beginning of this episode that is not public knowledge. But as you know, I am pregnant with number three. And so they just like have some more insight into that. And especially the surrender that he is having me give him with this pregnancy, like actively right now. I don't know if this is going to be, you know, maybe this is just a short time where we don't have the answers right now, or maybe this will be a lifelong journey. Just kind of learning to trust him and surrender, which is all kind of similar to the line of just like trusting God in just a deeper, a much deeper trust in God that motherhood has allowed me to have.

26:19I think because I so badly want to hold so tightly onto my children's lives and I want to protect them from everything, from every skinny or from people, big kids being mean to them on the playground, which happened a couple of weeks ago when I about lost it. like you want to hold so tightly and you just can't. So I've really learned, yeah, surrender and trust in God. I've also learned as we talked about just praying in ordinary motherhood moments, just, you know, inviting God into my daily motherhood. Faith hasn't necessarily like removed the chaos of motherhood for me, but it has completely changed how I walk through it and it's allowed me to experience more peace as I go through it.

27:08And I am forever grateful for that. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of mom mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario. Basically you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering today. Hi Layla. Congratulations on baby number three. If you're comfortable sharing, were you still breastfeeding when you got pregnant? If so, what did that look like for your milk supply? I'm starting to think about baby number two, but would like to keep breastfeeding number one until he reaches a year if possible.

27:47All the info I find is don't get pregnant again so soon, but that's not helpful. Waiting doesn't make sense for us with my history of endometriosis and my husband being older than me. If another baby is in the cards for us, it likely will need to be a two under two situation. Cue the mom guilt of wanting to grow your family while not wanting to feel like you're shorting the sweet baby you already have. Okay. I am an open book. You know me. I was still breastfeeding when I got pregnant and I continued to breastfeed for a few months while I was still pregnant, but I was only breastfeeding. Um, and granted I didn't have like, he was a six months, he was a nine months.

28:34He was like, he was like close to a year and a half. So that is very different nursing a one and a half year old and like what your body, you know, knows is happening, I guess. Like I just, I don't know if I would have, I don't know how to say this. Your body knows the difference, right? That like at this point, my one and a half year old, I could get pregnant at that point. Right. It's not like I was nursing a six month old. Um, but I was only nursing him right before bed. It was kind of like the, his, that was the only time I was nursing him. So like, that was kind of his cue. Like, okay, this is the time where we go down for our long sleep.

29:18Um, and I literally cut cold turkey and I never had to pump since cutting cold turkey, which tells me he was not getting anything for who knows how long, because literally like I should have been uncomfortable. I should have had to pump at least once, if not more than that. So who knows how long he was nursing for and not getting anything. He was weaned. He was weaned before I knew he was. um this is a like you're in a tricky situation I will say and I totally feel that um it is hard to decide I will say though that if you've been cleared like if you don't have any complications if your doctor wasn't like it would be really unwise for you to get pregnant this soon go ahead and start trying like especially in your you know your case you want another one you're wanting a second one, I would just say go ahead and start trying.