From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage While Parenting with Eli Weinstein | Ep. 156

0:00Eli Weinstein:When it comes to the couple, it's the idea that now I don't feel seen. Right before, it was very easy to see each other. They were spending time with each other. We can go travel and have vacations. We can do whatever we want. There's nothing else holding us back. Well, now something gets in the middle. So what happens? We're not feeling seen. And then we have this thing where we start getting this like dark cloud that covers us where now you are a problem or I'm going to think negatively of you because you just don't see me. You don't care about me. You don't see all my efforts. Look how hard I'm trying.

0:29Eli Weinstein:I used to be important. Now I'm not. It's very lonely. Oh, hey, welcome in. If you're new here, this is the podcast where you get the inside scoop on all things motherhood from your official mom friend, me, Layla. It's so nice to meet you. Welcome. Now, this is the only podcast that grows with you. So season one covered all things pregnancy and birth. Season two was all about postpartum and baby's first year of life. Then season three walks through the toddler years. And now here in season four, we're still discussing toddlerhood and also discussing the preschool years. All the topics you run into as your little one grows into this next new stage.

1:14Each season is 52 episodes long, a whole year. So if you're pregnant again, or you have a pregnant friend, send them back all the way to season one. It's just as good as this one. Basically, I was the first of my friends to get pregnant and become a mom. so I didn't have anyone to ask my first time mom questions too. So I wanted to give you the resource in your motherhood journey that I wish I could have had in mind. Here you'll get your questions answered by experts without feeling judged, belittled, or overwhelmed. This is a safe, judgment-free, super honest space,

1:46Eli Weinstein:and I am so glad to have you here. Each expert guest comes with their own perspective and background, so please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Hello and welcome to Learning Your Mom Podcast. Thank you so much for being here, Ellie. Oh, I am pumped. We had a lot of fun chatting before we hit record, but now we need to get down to business. Yeah. And I want my audience to know about you. So tell us about yourself, tell us what you do, and also what led you to write your book.

2:23for sure.

2:24Eli Weinstein:My name is Ellie Weinstein. I live out in Las Vegas. I have a practice, private practice where I work with couples and individuals really specialize in relationships, anxiety, and all those wonderful things. And I'm married with two beautiful kids and a third kid on the way. And I wrote a book called From I Do to We Do, Navigating Marriage and Parenting Years. And what pushed me to it was a publishing company asking me to do it. I never, I'm really afraid of writing. Like it's one of my biggest fears. And I would rather have a very famous podcast, a very, you know, my own TV show, like Kelly Clarkson, like one of those kinds of things and speak to millions of people a day than write an Instagram or tweet or something.

3:08Eli Weinstein:So to get the opportunity, I had to take it because it was the world saying, Hey, you're not going to do this yourself. Let's push you. And I work with couples all the time where there's so much strain where if you go back to the source of it, it wasn't when they were dating. It wasn't when they were first married or together. The shift happened with kids and they just never got back to getting to the source of what shifted and just kind of shoving it aside and just keep going, get along, right. Go along to get along kind of thing. And it really just hit me while I was writing it and working with clients.

3:43Eli Weinstein:I was like, Oh, myself too. Like it really made me look at my world. And it is just something that I think is so needed. And I say this on every podcast I've been on and no one has corrected me yet and I'm waiting for someone. Please fact check me. I don't think there is a book out there like this of a crossover that is a relationship book for parents. It's a parenting book as well because there's stories and how to deal with scenarios with each other to deal with your kids. But parenting books are between you and your kid. Relationship books are just for the two of you. It's never what state you're in or stage of life.

4:21Eli Weinstein:Relationship books don't do that. They don't talk about, well, if you happen to be in this stage, here's how you handle it. You don't know what it's like to be in a relationship. It's not something that you wake up one day. You might have better skills socially than other people. That's fine. And you might be better at learning or being aware or willing to grow. But the skills, there is a skill to being a good, having a good partnership. There's a skill with being a parent. There's no handbook, even what to do or what to expect when expecting, which is unbelievable and amazing. And the Bible of parenting still is not the skill.

4:55Eli Weinstein:You still have to do it and practice it. And that's what this book is about. That is really comforting to hear. I've never heard anyone word it that way because so often it's just kind of like, I'm really bad at this or you're really bad at this instead of like, we just need more practice. And you might be bad right now because you just don't know. Yeah. Like I cannot just get up and hit a baseball, right? I need to practice that to do it well. I have to start small when the pitch is 20 miles an hour, 30 miles an hour to build up to, I can't just get up to the plate and hit a 90 mile per hour fastball.

5:28Eli Weinstein:One, I'd probably pull every muscle in my body, but it's just not going to happen. It's something that needs to be practiced. And the same thing is you're going from zero to 60. You just started figuring out how to have a relationship with your partner. just and then all of a sudden kid comes in and that shakes everything up so you have to relearn you have to re i call i get to pivot every day but it is something that's really really something we need to realize is that you can learn it yeah you can and it's just about being honest with what you need to learn where your faults are where your strengths are and talking to your partner about that, of where the things can go well.

6:09Eli Weinstein:Because the negatives are going to happen. It's going to be a struggle. We all know it. It's not rocket science. We know it's going to be hard. We know we're not going to have sleep. We know we're going to go at each other sometimes. We know we're going to fight. Okay, so what's the skill of how we deal with that better? And that is where we don't talk about it a lot or we don't learn about it. Yeah. And so that's what I'm here for. You know that feeling when a really good friend comes over and you both just sink into the couch and exhale and nobody's rushing. Nobody's cutting it short. You just get to talk.

6:43That my friend is genuinely what it feels like inside the mob club. I always picture it like you're coming over to my house. We've both got a latte or a chai in hand. The kids are somehow occupied and we actually get to go deep. None of that surface level small talk, the absolute real stuff. Gosh, that's the part that I love most. Honestly, it's not even the content, although there is so much extra content in the mom club, but the fact that I actually get to become real mom friends with you. So come grab your coffee and sit down with me at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. That's in the show notes below for you in case you forget.

7:23I'll see you on the couch, mom friend. So let's talk about the shift that happens. As you said at the beginning, there's this shift. You don't have these issues when you're dating or when you're newlyweds, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden you become parents and there's this shift. Let's just talk about that shift. Put some words to people's experiences that perhaps they've never really thought through.

7:45Eli Weinstein:Yeah. And the shift, a lot of people focus on the shift being tiredness and the sleep, and I'm not going to focus on that because to me, that's just a part of it and it will get better. I think the shift that is very hard that needs to be spoken about a little more intensely, that if you don't focus on it, will just linger forever. You can always take a nap, right? You can always get a break and ask for help and close your eyes for a little bit or have some more caffeine. Please not too much or your heart will explode, but enjoy your coffee. coffee. But with this thing, when it comes to the couple, it's the idea that now I don't feel seen.

8:22Eli Weinstein:Right before, it was very easy to see each other. There was spending time with each other. It's so accessible. We can have sex anytime we want. We can go travel and have vacations. We can do whatever the hell we want. There's nothing else holding us back. Well, now something gets in the middle. So what happens? The mom, the default parent, most times, majority of times, whether they like it or not, whether it's a good day or a bad day, the default parent. And don't worry, I have a chapter in the book called Mama Magic, which is a love letter to all women. It's really for my wife, but I talk about the mental load and all that stuff and the power that women have and the struggle that comes with it, the burden of that crown.

8:58Eli Weinstein:And so that comes with, okay, now I'm going to focus on the baby. I'm not focusing on you anymore. I can't, I don't have space. I can barely focus on myself. Good luck if I even get a shower or cut my nails or eat food normally. Right. And And then the father is like, okay, what about me? We're not feeling seen. And then now we have this thing where we start getting this like dark cloud that covers us where now you are a problem or I'm going to think negatively of you because you just don't see me. You don't care about me. What? I don't matter. I'm chopped liver. And it just builds this very intense darkness.

9:37Eli Weinstein:That is for both people because it's for the husband. Even it's for the wife, it's like, you're not appreciating me. You don't see all my efforts. Look how hard I'm trying and keeping this baby alive for the mom. It's this, what, am I not attractive anymore? Do you not love me? Am I disgusting to you? Right? It's all those things. It's both ways. The idea of not being seen is 100 % both ways. Definitely more for the mom than for the dad. The dad just feels like, what? Where am I? hello i used to be important now i'm not am i not enough for you like am i not part of the picture of the third wheel kind of mentality right i don't know if you ever had friend groups was like the third wheel and you're like hello i met her too the mom is the person who was and is everything who everyone just forgets is there and it's just so terrible that feeling it's very lonely and so it's on the dads and i say this in the chapter from deuce the dads like i get very sassy i go wake up, like wake the F up and focus on your mom, focus on the mom.

10:43Eli Weinstein:She really needs you to just be there, show up. You say you love, I write in the beginning, I say the person that you love the most just gave birth to something that you love also. Isn't that freaking amazing? So shouldn't you celebrate that? Shouldn't you like be overjoyed for that person and see them for that? Like, look at this. This is an unbelievable experience. Is it hard? Yes. Is there a shift? Yes. Is there a pivot? A hundred percent. But don't forget who this person is to you. That's your wife and the mother of your child. Like, come on, grow up, step up, give them that love they need.

11:21Eli Weinstein:They deserve it. So do it. No excuses. And something in the book that I talk about is called treasure hunting. It's in positive psychology. They call it something else, but I like it. It's a little cuter to think of like digging for gold. Is this video, by the way is me video too yeah but it's okay good yeah okay i just want to make sure because i'm going to do something and i just don't want to sound like an idiot while not describing it well the only ones that get video are patreon numbers so how okay some will get whatever so forever's whoever's watching this is for you whoever's listening i'll try to describe it what happens the beginning of the shift is that imagine you take your hand and you cover your eyes and then that is the darkness and that's all you're seeing is because you're so pissed off and frustrated every little thing positive psychology says let's have like an idea of treasure hunting was just moving it to the side a little bit.

12:08Eli Weinstein:You're giving yourself an opportunity to see good also. But if you don't work on that, if you don't practice that, it's very easy to just have the dark cloud in front of your eyes. And that's, I'm not enough. You suck. You're terrible. You don't look at me the same. You don't love me the same. I miss you and you don't care. Where are you? It's all those thoughts because now something else is the focus. Something else pulls your attention. Priorities are shifting and you just never talked about or figured out how to mix it up better so that you can also be in the top three or top five versus everything falling to the waistline is just a baby and you.

12:47Eli Weinstein:Because that's all you have the brain power for or all the awareness you have. That's a massive shift. Like that's going to hurt everyone. And it does. And it makes sense. There's nothing wrong with you, by the way, because that is very healthy and normal. It should happen that way. Your priority now is the baby. What are you supposed to do? Screw you, baby. I got to worry about my husband. No, like shut up for a second. My wife needs me. No, the baby needs you. But it's okay. Are we going to also figure out small ways to throw in the other person to top two? 1A and 1B, right? Baby and other person.

13:22The baby's always going to be 1A, unfortunately, for this time.

13:27Eli Weinstein:But it's a need. Okay, well, what's 1B now? and how am I going to communicate that? How are we going to talk about that? How are we going to work together to make sure that we don't get lost in the Mishkebabel? I don't know if that's a real word. It's a Jewish word. Mishkebabel means like the rigmarole, like all the mixture of life. So when we talk about actually making sure that each other is being seen or even feeling worthy enough, how do we do that? Yeah. And thank you for calling me out on that. I appreciate that because I don't want anyone to feel that moms don't matter because that's like literally why I wrote the book is that so guys can get it together.

14:06Eli Weinstein:I really wanted the book to be like a fatherhood book. And the publishing company is like, yeah, no one's going to read that. I went, okay. So I had to write a chapter in there. But the idea of the ways is start talking about it now. When you're about to have kids, before you're having kids, of what small things make me feel seen? what small things around the around or in our world help me feel that I matter whether it's not being asked to do x oh I can definitely be aware of that so something I say with the mental load but I'll transfer it to this a little bit is that a lot of times we expect someone to know how to love us in different stages of life in different seasons of life and it's not possible I'm not in your brain.

14:54Eli Weinstein:We have different vantage points of the world and how we approach those things. Conversations is to bring awareness. Oh, that's how you calculate the world? I would never think of it that way because I don't have the same calculation as you. I don't have the same vantage point as you. I didn't realize that matters so much to you that I moved A to B. I thought it was just a silly thing. No, it's not silly to me. It is super important. So when it comes to like, let's say mental load and these conversations of how to show love and be aware, sometimes mental load is not even the other person doing anything.

15:35Eli Weinstein:It's more of them realizing how hard and how much you are doing so that they get the context of the vantage point you have to the world, the calculation. So why are you so tired? Because yeah, I'm not sitting next to you knowing every little text you're sending for playdates. I don't know what you're doing for this thing and that thing. And I'm also not in your head. So same thing when it comes for love. Same thing when it comes for small ways or big ways that help me feel loved or seen, respected, sexy, whatever word you want to use, important, valuable, all those wonderful words. Hey, what are those things?

16:11Eli Weinstein:I need to know so that I can put it in my bank and repertoire and throw them in because now I know what it means to be loved for you versus me not even picking up on that or realizing it. That's the directness so that I can do it. And it's a two-way street, right? So it's for both partners so that they can be a better partner and that you get what you're needed because they actually now are aware of it. Like, I don't care about the damn flowers. Stop buying me flowers. What I really need is, hey, oh, I thought you loved flowers. Yeah, yeah, I like flowers. That's not what helps me feel loved when I'm down or when I feel lost.

16:53Eli Weinstein:That's a nicety. Here's what really helps me feel. X, Y, Z. Oh, oh my gosh. Yeah, for sure. I can do that. I didn't know that. Right. Where do you see a lot of couples going wrong or like getting things wrong about trying to stay connected after kids i think most couples think it's about intimacy and sex i think most was like oh my gosh postpartum my body doesn't feel that way that's so true i'm not saying that part it's more of like well we haven't had sex and like i'm talking from the men for a second we've been in sex in forever what the hell dude that's not what it's about intimacy is finding small ways that are deep and that you get the person like i see who you truly are and i understand you and sometimes we are so shaken up from the whole you know shock to the system that we need to start smaller and start with a little bit of love a little squeeze of a tushy here a little kiss on the forehead holding hands cuddling snuggling whatever it is that people focus so much on the physicality of everything of like the sex and they don't be like hey we got to restart and repivot and actually like just like let's start talking let's communicate let's get to know what it is from now going forward so that's like that grief piece of like well it has to be what it was back then it's got to be what it was before kids no you idiot no it doesn't have to be what it is before kids it's about having communication conversations of what it is from now today and tomorrow and the next day and re-engaging what that means for the two of you.

18:37Eli Weinstein:And we miss that part. We're like, we used to do this, that, and the other thing. Good for you. But you're not the same people. Your life is different. So are you going to communicate? Are you going to talk about what that means? But now going forward, now that your life is different and that's with one kid, you talk about it. With the second kid is different. With the third kid is different. With different jobs is different. Where you live is different. There's constantly communicating with what our life, what our love needs to be today versus what it used to be. And I miss that. And there's a nicety of that conversation.

19:10Eli Weinstein:I get that. You know, we miss that excitement. Okay. But it doesn't mean you can't have it anymore. It doesn't mean love just dies because life has changed. It's are you communicating? Are you talking about it? So you can figure out what it means now. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of Mom Mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener-submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation, and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering this week. Hi, I wanted to see if you have any tips for teaching toddlers to share toys.

19:47I have a two-year-old, and it has recently been very hard for him to share. If we have playdates at our house or even go to a local play cafe, he will get very territorial over certain toys that he likes and will get upset if another kid tries to play with something he was playing with, even if he wasn't playing with it at that very moment. I've tried to help facilitate taking turns, but has recently become very difficult to the point where I'm wondering if it is even worth it to do these playdates because I feel like I am just having to constantly tell him to share or not take toys from other kids.

20:17I'm sure it is best to keep doing these playdates because more practice with sharing, the better, but wanted to see if you have any advice. Thanks so much and love the podcast. Okay. This is a great question and kind of something that I feel a little bit passionate about. So thanks so much for writing in so that I can share my hot tea.

20:41Okay. One, this is tricky and I will probably get backlash for this. I don't really like sharing is difficult. What's the, let me Google this. What age does sharing? Yeah. Sharing typically develops in stages with genuine sharing and turn taking skills, usually emerging around three and a half to four years old. So like under age two, there's just really no shot. Ages two to three, they begin to learn the like the basics of taking turns, but it does take a lot of caregiver guidance and step-ins, if you will. And this is also why I don't love like, I don't know, going to the public library or like play cafes and stuff with little, little kids, because there's culturally this expectation that like my kid is, you know, like we have to share and I do.

21:45So it's just kind of exhausting as the parent because you're like, I know this isn't even developmentally appropriate and they don't know how to share yet and they don't get it yet, but I'm going to have to keep stepping in just so that I don't look like this, like selfish, horrible mom that doesn't care that your kid hasn't gotten to play with the toy lately um so it is rather exhausting from that standpoint that is also why I have like I feel like my best friends and I we all kind of have this like mutual agreement when we have play dates not mutual agreements but I think they view it the same way and that's why it's really chill and why I love play dates with them is it's because it's like we know our kids aren't going to share and we don't we're going to keep talking and they will figure it out and be mad and be upset and learn how to deal with frustration and someone taking their toys.

22:37And it literally doesn't matter because their brain is just not there yet. And we will continue sitting over here and drinking our coffee and catching up. And that's been really nice because I think I wouldn't be able to hang out with people that would be like super obsessed with making sure that every kid gets a fair chance before it's developmentally appropriate, you know? but that makes things complicated when you're in a public setting because of the cultural expectations. Like that's totally fine to do when I'm at my house with my friend who views that the same way. But when I'm at library or a play cafe and there's, you know, five other moms there, like, I don't want to be that mom that is like, sorry, my kids had that toy for 45 minutes.

23:26So that's definitely when I kind of step in. Like if it's been a long time and my kid has been playing with this toy for like a super long time, then I'm like, okay, another kid definitely needs a shot. Like that there needs to be some fairness there.

23:47And to your point of he gets mad if another kid is playing with it when he's not even playing with it. That one is tricky too. um I think I would kind of step in there too and just be like sorry this is how it goes and you are right with the end of this email like I'm sure it's best to keep doing these play dates because more practice was sharing the better I think that's like really what it comes down to um and I know this is not help like there's I don't really have like a golden rule for getting your kids to share because my kids weren't perfect and that wasn't something that like I prioritized because I was very like, it's not even developmentally appropriate.

24:25So why am I stressing about this? Why are we all stressing about this and hovering over our kids? You know, like there's a difference when a kid has been playing with the toy blender at the library for 45 minutes and the kid just picked it up and it's been, you know, five minutes and another kid wants to play. Like the other kid can chill. It's only been five minutes, but you know, maybe when you start approaching that like it's been a long time and there's a long line for this toy then you just stop in and then you just kind of have to deal with them being upset which obviously is not fun but they will get over it and it you know it'll be okay because five minutes later another toddler will be crying in the play cafe and it won't be yours so I do apologize that there was no like actual tangible tips in my mom mail answer for this.

25:19I was just kind of sharing my thoughts and approach to that. I don't know if that vibed or not. Um, that is just my kind of hot take with it. So thanks for writing in and letting me share my hot take a little bit and for your kind words, um, about loving the podcast. I love having you here and being mom friends with you. Now, if you're looking for advice, email me at learningtomompodcast.mommail at gmail.com with the subject line, Mom Mail. And then keep your ears open because we might just answer it on an upcoming episode. Now, we need to hear all the advice and strategies that you have for communication.