How Early Childhood Shapes Your Child’s Brain & Emotional Health with Eat Play Say | Ep. 137

0:00Eat Play Say:But we are trying to bring calm to the chaos with little ones. That's kind of what I try to tell parents. Like when your little one is on a nine, you want to try not to meet them at a nine. You want to try to meet them at like a two or a three or tell them and validate. I know this. This really hurts. I can see you're so upset. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Give a hug and then try to explain to them how you're going to fix the problem. that is really how we can help shape emotional intelligence. I validate your problem. I'm going to help you find your solution. Hey, mom friend. Welcome back to the Learning to Mom podcast.

0:39Eat Play Say:I'm Layla, your official mom friend. Around here, we don't shy away from hard conversations. We talk about the real and the hard parts of motherhood, but we don't just stop there. We give tangible advice for moving past the hard. I started this podcast because I didn't have anyone to ask my endless first-time mom questions too. And I wanted to create that space for you. So take a deep breath. Let's dive in together. Each expert guest comes with their own background and perspective. So please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

1:16Eat Play Say:Jordan, welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast. Thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited and I love your energy. Oh, great. We are recording early this morning. So this is going to be a good day or a good way for me to start the day. Can you just tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got started with Eat, Play, Say before we get into this episode? Sure. So my full name is Jordan Kowalewski Gorman, nice and long. I'm a speech language pathologist and a feeding specialist and also dabble and play. And I started E-play say after my son was born, when I wanted to be home, start my own private practice a little more and started sharing on social media.

1:58Eat Play Say:My Instagram account blew up. I realized I could reach millions of parents literally all over the world using social media, using my website. Little by little have grown it. And now we have a community of over 700 ,000 moms and dads and grandparents and caregivers following along. Right. Okay. I'm really excited to dive in. So kind of before we get into some of the science, can you just explain in very real life terms, as Michael says in the office, explain it to me like I'm five, of what people mean when they say early childhood shapes the brain? Sure. So we know little ones, especially under the age of five, they're constantly making connections, right?

2:40Eat Play Say:So quickly, anything that they're observing, listening to, watching, they're learning how the world works. This is their first experiences with the world. So everything that we're doing with little ones, especially zero to five, is teaching them exactly how the world works and how their brain is going to interpret information as they keep experiencing those same things over and over and over again. So the first time, second time, third time that little ones are doing something. We're working on shaping who they are, how they think, their feelings, their emotions, and who they're going to be as a little person.

3:18Okay, I'm going to be honest. That kind of sounds like that immediately to me is like, oh my gosh, we have, there's, that's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of responsibility, right?

3:26Eat Play Say:It feels like a lot of responsibility. Yes, it really does. So speaking, yeah, speaking into that, do you have any words of wisdom? Yeah, I think trying not to get overwhelmed, like the whole world is on your shoulders, but rather that you get to experience all of these firsts with your little one for the first time. When the first time they cry, you're going to be there for them and say, it's okay. And they're immediately going to learn mom's got my back. The first time that something doesn't go right for them, you're going to teach them. It's okay. We're going to try it again. And then you're going to see them succeed.

3:57Eat Play Say:And you're going to be like, yeah, I just taught my little one that I'm, they're not going to give up. I'm going to be there for them. The first time that they fall down when they're walking and they look to you and then you pick them back up. You got to experience that first and shape that for them, that they can do anything and you're going to be there to support them. So that's like the beautiful part of it. Okay. Yeah. That is really reassuring.

4:24So when you're working with families, what is, it doesn't necessarily have to be one thing, maybe just a few, if one is really hard to pinpoint, but a thing that you wish parents understood sooner about how powerful these early years really are.

4:39Eat Play Say:I think one thing I to go off of what we just talked about too, is that I want parents to know that you don't only get one shot to do something. So just like they're learning, we're learning, right? We're parenting for the first time. If you're a first time mom listening, this is your first time in the world as a parent, just as it's their first time in the world as a little baby or a toddler. And it's repetition that is really how littles learn. So if you don't get it right the first time or you feel like, ooh, maybe I could have handled this situation a little differently, the second, third, fourth, fifth, a thousandth time still matters just as much as that first time.

5:18Eat Play Say:And littles learn through that repetition. So the more that you're doing something over and over and the more that it's going right, they're going to remember that and they're not going to remember when you thought you got it wrong. So when we talk about repetition, I guess, are we, the thing that comes directly to my brain is my toddler climbing on top of the table all the freaking time and I remove him from our kitchen table 20 times a day. Is that like the, is it, when we talk about repetition, are we talking about like discipline and correction or what are we really talking about? So we're talking about a lot of different things.

5:56Eat Play Say:So sure, that could fall under it. But I'm more talking about like routine or little words, shaping little ones to be able to predict what's going to happen next. so they lost something they're two years old and they lost something but they know that when they come to you and say i can't find this or oh no you're gonna say to them it'll turn up it'll be fine and over and over and over they're going to have a repeated exposure to that response of it's okay i don't need to freak out when it comes to behavior that's kind of a whole different thing too because they're also trying to push their boundaries they're learning what can they get away with what's safe, what's not safe.

6:35Eat Play Say:Mom says no, but I didn't get hurt. So I'm going to keep doing it. So that's kind of like a whole other different thing, too. They're trying to figure out how far can I push this, learning my boundaries, while mom is saying no, but my insides are saying yes. And they don't have that regulation or control just yet. You know what can be one of the hardest parts of motherhood? It's not always the sleepless nights or even the toddler meltdowns. Sometimes it's just realizing that you don't have the right people around you who get it, who lean a little bit crunchy, love learning, and who are always asking themselves, is whatever topic the actual right parenting choice or just today's cultural norm?

7:22And that's exactly why I created the Mom Club on Patreon, because I wanted a community of moms who think like that alongside of me. It's not a hostile Facebook group or a bunch of random advice. It's for real conversations between like-minded, supportive moms. You get the full episodes of the podcast. No cuts, no edits. We go so much deeper. And you get to be a part of my monthly book club, Meet Other Moms Who Instantly Feel Like Friends and Just Feel Less Alone. So if you've been craving that kind of connection, come join us inside the Mom Club. Head to learningtomompodcast.com slash join. Of course, that's in the show notes below in case you forget.

8:07But my gosh, am I excited to meet you inside, mom friend. Back to the routine point, do you see a lot of benefit with – I just have heard of this and I know – I think it's a good idea. Yeah, I just don't really understand how it would be like how I can actually make it practical in my own life of like setting more of a routine at home. Like we do this in the morning and then we do this and around this time we do that. Do you do that?

8:37Eat Play Say:I have a general routine, like an order of which I try to leave the house so we can actually get out of the house in less than 45 minutes. Yes. Yes. But as far as waking up every day and being like, first, I'll make my bed, then I'll do this, then I'll do that. Every day is so different. And depending on how sleep deprived I am from the night before, can't always do that exact routine. But sometimes when there's like a complex process, like getting out of the house or getting dressed or changing a diaper, those are things that you can probably do the exact same things with the exact same words over and over over again.

9:15Eat Play Say:And that can be really beneficial for them for learning language, predicting what's happening next, staying calm in a situation where it might feel overwhelming or rushed, kind of like that. Okay. No, those are good tips. So we've talked a lot about emotional intelligence already. I feel like that is something that we really only talk about emotional intelligence when it comes to adulthood, but it kind of gets skipped with kids. yeah so how do we prepare our kids for more emotional intelligence I guess I don't even know how to word it but in obviously in toddlerhood yeah you know it's funny anytime I hear the phrase emotional intelligence I don't know if you've ever watched The Bachelor or The Bachelorette oh I am part of Bachelor Nations I don't watch much reality tv show but I literally have only missed like three seasons I was like I tune in I don't even remember who it was but it was two women fighting and they were saying Pablo I think it might have been who knows and she the one was very young and the one was older and the older girl was like you just don't have the emotional intelligence to be able to participate in this show and I was in grad school and I was like what is emotional intelligence like I don't know what this is and then come to find out I was actually learning about it with kids because kids cannot really regulate their emotions and they're not really able to, they have too much impulse and all of that.

10:45Eat Play Say:And I was like relating it to this young woman on the bachelorette, on the bachelor. And I think kind of going back to what I said before, like the little ones are learning how the world works and how they're supposed to respond appropriately, but their frontal lobe is not fully developed. And it's not going to be fully developed for a while. Honestly, it's still developing into adulthood, which is why I think that comment was was interesting on The Bachelor. But we are trying to bring calm to the chaos with little ones. That's kind of what I try to tell parents. Like when your little one is on a nine, you want to try not to meet them at a nine.

11:25Eat Play Say:You want to try to meet them at like a two or a three or tell them and validate, I know this, this really hurts. I can see you're so upset. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Give a hug and then try to explain to them how you're going to fix the problem. That is really how we can help shape emotional intelligence. I validate your problem. I'm going to help you find your solution. So what is your take on, I think, sometimes we over-validate their emotions and then we actually make their emotions worse, if you will, or just stronger because then they're like, oh, this, this, I'm so worked up. And mom's like continuing to validate me being worked up.

12:11Eat Play Say:Yeah. You know, this is, this is a really good question. And this actually happened to me. I have a four-year-old right now. I have a four-year-old, a two-year-old and went on the way. And we were at basketball practice for my four-year-old. My two-year-old was there right before basketball practice started. My four-year-old threw the ball at my two-year-old's back during the face, not on purpose. Well, that's good. I can see the guilt in his face. And my husband and I, our reaction was like, you have to bounce past it. Like she wasn't ready. And of course coach blows the whistle and he's crying.

12:41Eat Play Say:And I'm like, Oh boy. And my husband's like, do we go? I'm like, no. So I brought him to the side. I understand you're upset. It was an accident. He said, I want to go home. I want to go home. We're not going home. You can have a second to breathe. I understand that you're upset, but we are going to go back out there. So how are we going to go back out there? Am I going to walk you out there? What line are you going to sit on? We have to go back. So it's validating in a short period of time that, yes, I understand that you're upset, rightly so. We have to keep going. So finding that balance of, like I said, what is the problem?

13:17Eat Play Say:Yes, I validate your problem. We have to move on to a solution. We can't just stay in problem city the whole time. No, I love that. I love that because Because I think gentle parenting can get a bad rep because in the practicality of like everyday moms, I think it's easy for us to not follow the right gentle parenting procedure. And then we fall into this pitfall of literally only talking about the problem and we validate the emotions too much instead of allowing them to build like emotional fortitude and strength. resilience, exactly. Interrupting this episode so, so fast to remind you about my favorite non-toxic clean makeup brand.

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15:13Huge. Yeah. And I know, especially for me as a deep feeling kid myself, it is so easy for me to give into the emotions because if anything, I kind of wish my childhood had a little soft, like was a little softer, you know? Sure. I think it's easy for me to swing the pendulum to the other side.

15:32Eat Play Say:Yeah. And I think I try to remind parents also that like we love being validated. Don't you love to be heard, right? So true. There comes a point though, where it's like, we can't perseverate on ceiling heard all the time because then we can't move on. It's like, we like beat the horse to death kind of thing. And then that isn't really healthy for our mental health. So we need that balance of, I feel validated. You're so right, but I have to move on because I can't give any more brain space or thinking power to this issue. Okay. Yep. No, I am. I am with you. Okay. So are there common moments that parents don't really realize are shaping their child's emotional brain, but are maybe moments that were like, this isn't really a big deal so I'm gonna just toss this under the rug but it's like oh wait hold on hold on yeah you know I think going back to our childhood I think a lot of instances that we have had when we were littles is like getting put in a box like boys don't cry or rub some dirt in it and like gotta keep moving or like this isn't important or whatever so we are trying to forget that that's the way that maybe we were talked to and find time to like look at our child and say, I hear you.

16:52Eat Play Say:I see what you're saying. Like what you're going through matters. And I think the biggest thing is that we just don't want to ignore what, like you said before, we don't want to sit on a topic forever, but if our little one is trying to communicate to us, we want to, you know, respond. We want to reinforce that communication because that's how we can connect and bond. And that's how little ones are going to gain trust with us. So you don't have to have the right words and you don't have to say the perfect thing because you're not. And sometimes whatever comes out of their mouth, it's going to smack you in the face and be like, what am I supposed to do with this information?

17:31Eat Play Say:But as long as you're there and you're trying and you're trying to work through it with them, you're making them stronger and you're building a great connection with your child. Isn't that so true, though? Because I feel like so often what us women complain about, about our husbands, is like, I just need him to listen. And then we oftentimes in these conversations with our husbands, it comes out that they think that it's a lot of pressure because they're like, I don't know what to say or how to respond. And you're like, it doesn't matter. Exactly. Or they take that our problem is now their problem.

18:11Eat Play Say:I'm like, this isn't your problem. I'm just voicing my problem. And I want you to go, mm-hmm, I hear your problem. And not try to tell me that you have a bigger problem. Huge. What about advice for moms that little ones aren't quite talking yet? Like you can't walk them through, you know, I don't know, emotional intelligence per se, coaching or what have you when they're not when they're not there verbally or mentally yet either. Yeah. And this this happens a lot in that, you know, one to two year age range where they have they're able to move their body. Maybe they're maybe they're moving more than they're talking or they're talking more than they're moving.

18:56Eat Play Say:And both of which is frustrating because they can't do both at the same time. And I tell parents a lot of times you can still use simple language to validate how they're feeling, if they're crying, if they're upset, or if you know that they want something and you have to leave or something like that and immediately try to redirect. So let's say you're at a play gym. You have a 17 month old and you want to, it's time to leave. And your little one's like, no, it's not time to leave. But you're like, we got to go. It's nap time, you're hungry, all this stuff. They're wigging out, having a meltdown.

19:30Eat Play Say:You can say something like, I know, I know that this is hard, but we're going to come back. So let's put on our shoes, start to sing a song about shoes. This is the way we put on our shoes. Just keep moving while being there for them. You don't have to leave them on the floor, crying, screaming, like I'm not listening to you. No, you can still be there for them, but you're holding your firm boundary of like, we got to go. I'm going to help you through this over and over and over. It's going to get better and better and better. And we won't have these meltdowns after we get the timing right and we get out of here successfully.

20:04Yeah. And you might be dealing with meltdowns for three weeks until one day they just click and it's like the meltdowns actually aren't doing anything.

20:13Eat Play Say:Yeah. Or you'll find something that you'll leave something in the car that they will be so excited to come back to. And that'll be motivating to them to leave, to go to the car to get that thing that they were playing with before they came. You'll find it. I think we're so worried, especially in public, about having a meltdown or about having another parent judge us for the fact that our kid's wigging out. And it can feel very overwhelming and feel very shameful if you don't have like a perfectly behaved, well-behaved child in public. But every time I've ever seen someone else with a kid that's wicked out.

20:47Eat Play Say:I've been like, oh, I've been there. God, sending her prayers, sending her prayers. She can get through it. That was me two weeks ago. I feel you. We're all giving each other like silent solidarity. So. So, so true. So true. Okay. So talking about in our, like for ourselves, how does our own mood and stress affect our child's developing brain whether we I don't know like even verbalize it you know yeah you know I think one of the scariest one of the most comforting but also scariest things I learned as a new mom is that the baby can feed off of you your emotions oh it's like weird sci-fi kind of like they know how you're feeling even if you're not able to say it and it's like, oh, that's great because they'll know when I need to snuggle.

21:43Eat Play Say:But also they're going to know when I'm super anxious. And like, I don't know if I want them to know that. So yeah, that's super, that's valid. What I've done, because I definitely have found myself being over-simulated with four and two, and now I'm going to have another one. So I know that that's going to be even more over-simulating as I verbalize that. And I say, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need to take a break. So I'm kind of trying to teach my son and my daughter, like, it's okay for you to recognize that you're having a hard time. And my four-year-old has even started saying that. When we're doing like homeschool, preschool activities or like a game and he's getting worked up, he goes, I need to take a break.

22:22Eat Play Say:I'm like, okay, I love that for you. So as much as I'm like, I know I have a little anxiety. I know that I'm oversimulated and I do worry about how that impacts them, it feels good that I'm kind of teaching them. It's okay to just recognize that and do something about it and then come back. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of Mom Mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering today.

23:00Hi, Layla. First, thank you for making this podcast. I don't know where I'd be without it. I also love the mom mail segment. Thank you so much. I'll get right down to the point. How do you run your business with two little kids? I would love to start a business doing freelance marketing. I have a lot of experience and I would love to get more time with my kids. But practically speaking, when do you actually work? My kids always interrupt me. Any advice, tips, tricks, encouragement would be appreciated. Thank you again for making the best podcast ever.

23:32Eat Play Say:Thanks so much for your kind words and for writing in. Okay. This is going to look different for everyone. Just sharing some insight into how I make it work. First, I recorded, and also this is different because I have a podcast and you're talking about freelance marketing, but before I ever launched the podcast or like launched the business, even the Instagram, I had all 52 episodes recorded for the entire year. So I created a, basically a year. I was like, it's going to take a long time for me to actually see any traction. I did not foresee the podcast becoming as successful as it did as fast as it did.

24:19So I didn't want to give myself a way out. I was like, I'm going to record all 52 episodes for the entire year. And then I will be forced to publish them and keep at it because I have to release all these 52 episodes. So I'll at least give it a year. And that was kind of my plan upfront. So I would encourage you to like, before you start your business, get things up and running before it's like, oh, this is my full-time job. Try to do as much of the legwork before it's public, before you quit your job, whatever. That would be like my tip number one. And then second practicality of how I make this happen is I have help.

24:58And I want to be transparent with that. I am not super mom who does it all. Our oldest currently is in preschool two days a week. That's nine to one. Unfortunately, that is actually before your child isn't a program of a time from like nine to one, for example, you think that is so much time and then you actually drop them off and you experience what it like. It is not enough time today. Basically, I recorded a podcast interview and I'm doing like responding to some emails, recording this mom mail segment, and then it's going to be time for me to pick her up like it is over and gone before you know it, but it does give me a lot of buffer time.