How Mommy Wine Culture Hurts Moms (Even If You Think It Doesn’t) with Set Free Sisterhood | Ep. 121

0:00That's the biggest thing is recognizing that we can feel this way, we can have this experience, but we all have a choice to move forward and to make a new decision, even though it's hard to make a new life.

0:30in a way that's honest, helpful, and rooted in real joy. I started this podcast because I wanted to bridge the gap between what the experts know and what moms actually experience day to day. So if you've ever thought, why did no one tell me this? You're going to love this show. Each expert guest brings their own background and perspective. So please note that the content presented in this podcast is for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Hi, Michelle. Welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast. Hi, thank you for having me.

1:06This is such an important topic. So thank you so very much for coming on. Why don't we just start off with you sharing a little bit about yourself and the whole tea? All the things. Awesome. Thank you for asking. I am a mom. I have teenagers and an almost 21 year old. My story came from my starting early in my momming years, going to wine to cope with stress, overwhelm, to have fun, to have connections, cookouts, things like that. And then over time, it just became a challenge and a problem. And I came to a place where I realized that it wasn't serving me and it was kind of challenging. So I'm sure there are going to be some moms listening that can either relate in their own lives or relate with their friendships to where maybe their drinking has gotten to where it's they're noticing it.

2:03And we can talk a little bit more about what that looks like. But that basically was a huge shift for me when I gave up alcohol. And I just thought it was a habit. And I just thought it maybe was the thing that I needed to quit. And that would be it. And it would be simple. What really happened was I had to unbecome so many layers that I had put on through my life. So a lot of what I do is help women to take the alcohol off the top and then we go deep. And it doesn't have to be scary and you don't have to stay there. But usually this is things that come from our childhood, whether it was in our upbringing with our parents or circumstances that happened throughout our lives.

2:40And so we really uncover that. We heal it. We connect with that sweet little child inside outside of us because we all have a little girl in there that needs to be seen and heard. And it's a beautiful journey and I love doing it. I've been doing it since 2020. Awesome. So good. I know we're going to get into all of that deeper, but why don't we just start here with like a softball question, if you will. What is mommy wine culture and why do you think it's become so normalized in modern motherhood. So when I think of mommy wine culture, I think of the first thing I see is like baby on the hip, wine on the lips, kind of the jokes, the memes, the cliche.

3:27Let's give ourselves permission. Let's make this part of the culture. Well, I think a root of a lot of it is money. It's the alcohol industry because they've recognized that they've been able to really turn their attention towards women. If you notice in the past, you probably even can see in the past five years, but even more, the shift to the very feminine labeling. Beer went from white and red can to all these like sparkles and colors. And there's a lot of that marketing for money. But I think it's just because it glamorizes this reward system. Like because we work so hard, because we're stressed out and overwhelmed, then we deserve this thing, whatever this thing is.

4:14And it's typically turns into wine. For me, it started in like a wine club because I felt like that made me feel special. Like, oh, I'm working on wine taste and do all these things. So it was like this whole feeling and sensation. And I think that culture has grabbed onto that and said, yeah, that's what you do. And you deserve this mom. And this makes you fit in. And this is the way to connect with other women when you go places. That's just kind of part of the circle. And so it is difficult anytime we are when we're really navigating our lives to live outside of the norm. But what I'm here to say is that you can you can live in a way that is more authentic for you.

4:57And you can still have friends and relationships with people who maybe choose otherwise. has. I think too, it's really hard. Like I'm a huge proponent that I think culture lies to women. And my generation is so scared to become moms because we hear just through like society, what society tells you. And one of the things is like, oh, I'm so stressed out all the time. Like I have to drink. And so to someone who's not a parent, it's like, well, I don't want that life. And I, that's just like one of the many reasons that I wanted you to come on today, because it's like, we don't have to continue this cycle.

5:32And if you're in it, like you can get out of it. So talking about what I guess are the early signs that like, you might need some help. Yeah, that's a good question. And I'll just share too, just to be clear, this conversation is not really for anyone who identifies as an alcoholic or identifies with an actual substance abuse problem that may need doctor's care or some sort of behavioral therapy. This conversation is for the woman who has chosen, even subconsciously, unconsciously, wish she didn't keep choosing, this habitual behavior to go to alcohol to blank, whether it's relax, have fun, calm her anxiety, help her go to sleep at night, help with stress or overwhelm, And so typically we notice first when we're like, huh, it's more of that looking back of there's a season where you're going to go on vacation and there's times where you're going to have maybe you do have wine club once a month.

6:40But for the one that's struggling, it doesn't stop. And so I even looking back noticed even out of the wine club gals, and this was in my early 20s, I didn't have like a turnoff switch. I didn't consciously say this, but if the bottle was open, we were going to finish it. And there were seasons in life where, yes, it was a little bit more heavier when I went out. But the most part is when you get to a place where you're noticing, well, I normally drink a little bit on the weekends because that's when we have cookouts or that's when we don't have the schedule with the kids or maybe the kids are at a babysitter or they're at grandparents.

7:14but then you notice it starts to trickle into the week and you notice that huh I don't really have many other things that I do when I'm stressed it's my go-to and what happens is in the beginning it's a learned behavior because it works you're stressed out you have a glass of wine it knocks that like surface of stress off the dopamine hits you calm down you're like oh yeah that's exactly what I needed. And so we continue to enforce that belief because so much of this are really deep rooted beliefs because I believed years ago wine helped me relax. I believed wine helped me sleep. I believed wine made me more fun.

7:58Now I don't believe any of that. I think that was all a lie, but I reinforced it with my behavior until it became to where I was like, I'm drinking really more than I want to. But here's the sneaky part. If you're listening and you may be thaw fat and you're looking, you're like, oh, I wish I didn't drink that much. Or, you know, at least I wish I could only like have one and I'm drinking more. Then it's a red flag already. If you're thinking about it and you're spending time thinking about it, then there's something that needs to be addressed and you may mention it to your friends, but nobody would say, oh, my gosh, you've got a problem.

8:39And so what happens is, is our friends sometimes reinforce like, no, girl, you're fine. It's not a big deal. We go out together and we do these things. And then we look at other women and compare ourselves and go, oh, well, I'm not that bad because I know her and that girl. She's already had a DUI or she doesn't show up to work. And so those little things that our brain loves to find in comparison will make us kind of go longer in the cycle than we really could. And that's what happened to me. It's like I knew two years, at least two years that I had an unhealthy relationship, but it took me to where I had to come to my point where I was like, OK, I'm done.

9:20Yeah. OK, that's good to know. What do you think are some like real life consequences of normalizing alcohol as that daily coping tool like you were just talking about for motherhood. Why is this something that we should care about? I mean, obviously, besides like, because you can get addicted, but. And, you know, it's if you've seen anything recently, I love that there's more and more information and conversations coming out about this, that it is highly linked to cancer, all types, specifically breast cancer. It's linked to all kinds of autoimmune health issues, things like that. But here's the thing is that we can know that stuff and that not be enough leverage because it's kind of out there.

10:04Like it's not me. I don't drink that much. But when you look at the data, it doesn't take much to potentially cause those things. However, what really matters is your modeling to your babies and your relationship to your husband and your connection that you have with yourself. Because when we consume alcohol, it is an immediate disconnect. It turns off the frontal lobe, which affects how we make decisions and how we process information. It truly affects human connection. And so even if you're with your children, and I think back to times when I was drinking, part of my coping was to tolerate my children.

10:47And I had to go through a lot of like grieving process and for allowing myself to receive forgiveness because I never want to tolerate my kids. And now like today, they're teenagers. They were driving me nuts today. And I was so irritated with them. And I handle things completely different now. And it's OK to share with your and I know we're talking about littles in your world. But these are things, too, that they need to be able to see mommy cry. They need to be able to see her have emotions and still feel safe. And for her to go to things that do calm her, that's not some sort of substance, because from the get go, they're watching what we're doing.

11:34Yeah, they watch so much more than we think. Motherhood is hard. I'll be the first to admit that. Some days it just feels like no one else gets it, which is exactly why the mom club exists to give you connection and clarity when you need it most from extra episodes to monthly book club meetings and a private community of like-minded moms who actually understand the mom club on Patreon. Make sure you never have to feel alone or underprepared with all the extra content and bonus episodes you get inside. Come join us over at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. Of course, that's in the episodes below for you, but I seriously cannot wait to become real mom friends inside.

12:24When we talk about self-care and you were talking about, you know, what things are we doing to calm ourselves? I guess in your experience, what are some other good alternatives. Because I think a lot of times we reach for the glass of wine, you know, and of course it's just wine in this instance, but it can be anything. I'm a big margarita drinker, so that's typically my go-to grab because it's going to be like fast, right? And it doesn't require like, oh, I have to do this or even I can't do this until the kids go down. You're right, is a lot of times we tell ourselves the story of, especially if we're, whether you're working in the home, outside the home, whatever your schedule is, there is that, well, you know, I've still got to cook dinner.

13:08I still have to do baths. And you're recognizing that maybe you're on edge. Your capacity has been drained. And so there's a quiet story that says, well, if I have this strength, then this will calm me down and I'll be kinder to the kids and I'll be able to really what it is, tolerating the process of the nighttime routine, because sometimes it gets really mundane. so the first thing to do is just recognize and acknowledge how you're actually feeling because we tend to just skip over it or we guilt ourselves into thinking that we're not allowed to be irritated or bothered or stressed out with our kids like oh they're so sweet why am I so annoyed well it's because you're at capacity and you don't have anything left so part of it is just really acknowledging and being aware of, OK, how am I feeling right now?

14:02What's actually going on? And then realizing that our natural go to is some sort of action like, OK, well, what can I do instead? Which is not a problem. But sometimes when we think that we're like, oh, just another thing on my to do list or another skill I have to learn or I need 30 minutes to do that. When really, sometimes all we need is some breathing and quiet in literally five to ten minutes. Sometimes that has been the best like transitional tool that I've used and I still continue to use when I'm feeling at capacity. And I did it today because I was earlier in the day I was just pressurized and my head was hurting because I was dealing with a lot of mental tasks and I was like And so it's simply just slowing down and breathing and maybe laying on the floor and just grounding your body on the floor.

15:03While I'm going and sitting crisscross in your closet with your eyes closed. You can stretch out across your bed and finding just quiet space for that. Oh, well, what if my kids are running around? And what if they're screaming, you know, because we're always going to come up with different things. Well, that's OK. Create space. Ask your husband to help. this is something you can do in your car even like when you're transitioning from work to home if you are like just sit there five minutes ten minutes in your car before you pick them up if they're at daycare before you come in and start there first and then when you create that little bit of space it's going to give you that it's like a sacred pause it just gives you that space to go okay I just released some of that pressure I have capacity now I could be more tender or now I can ask for what I need.

15:52I can ask my husband to like help me for a few minutes or I can maybe ask for a shift in the routine or ask for sitting, have cuddles with the kids, like learning to really know what do you need next without just going and going and going based on some routine. That is such a good tip. Do you think that it's this like mommy wine culture and the lack of village. Do you think that kind of goes in unison? Yeah, I think it's both. I think that there are. So I think there is groups of women who are finding community, but are they truly authentic? That's one part of it. Are we just kind of like socially connected and not really being real with each other?

16:39I would say in that age group, that might be a possibility unless you're finding more rooted groups of friendships, whether that looks like, you know, in your local church or you're connected in a different way based on some things that you like and really enjoy. I know the gym's a great way to connect different types of workouts because it helps you really connect with people who have the same maybe goals and likes that you have. So you typically have a different bond. And then, yes, I think absolutely, especially since our world shifted, its isolation has really affected a lot of us. and just the pressures, financial pressures could be part of it to where you've got couples that are having to work harder and have more pressure in today's world with financial stress.

17:27That has a lot to do with it, too. So sometimes you're just tanked by the end of the day and all you can do is get your babies to bed and just crash. And it's affecting a lot of marriages, too, because a lot of the stress and the overwhelm. So, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And now it's time for this week's segment of MomMail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener-submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation, and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email that we're answering this week. Hi, Layla. Thanks for creating the Learning to Mom podcast.

18:07I'm obsessed. But to give you the scenario, I need help with comparison. Sometimes I catch myself scrolling Instagram and feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. Other moms seem to have it all together, and I feel like I'm treading water. I know social media isn't real life, but it's hard to compare. Any tips? Thanks for everything, mom friend. I am going to give you some tough love. I'm going to give you some tough love. So bear with me. Really, the number one tip that I have for you is to get off social media. And I know that's very ironic coming from an influencer herself, but I have done tremendous work to lower my screen time because I know the impact that it has on me.

18:49So my tip in going through comparison is to truly limit your screen time as much as possible. In addition, you're still going to be on the apps. I mean, unless you just like completely delete them, which would be incredible. Highly recommend. I have not gone there yet, but I would if it wasn't part of my job. So you're still on it. But I would highly recommend following not like relatable mom content or relatable mom accounts, because I don't think they're helpful. And at least for me mentally with all the complaining and just like the sake of virality, I don't love those kinds of accounts. But I'm just talking about like find accounts that actually inspire you and don't just make you feel less than.

19:36Those are my favorite follows. I follow a lot of accounts that are like into frugal living and budget life, moms who really value outdoor time. I don't follow the whole like, I'm an influencer. This is what I'm getting the nurses in my postpartum bag or my thank you birth bag that I'm giving them. I don't follow that. I don't follow a lot of like Amazon influencers or anything like that. one because I value keeping things minimal but also because I don't want to give into comparison I think like especially for me and where I'm at with my relationship with my body and everything like I like to follow accounts that inspire me and not make me feel less than so I don't really follow a lot of like fashion influencers or anything either even it's like the really awesome ones that will come across my feed that's like if you're this kind of body type and I'm like oh that's me.

20:27And I might scroll their stuff, but I really try not to like actually follow them because I don't want to be inundated with just me feeling less than all the freaking time. Because you're right. Social media isn't real. It's not. But it is made to addict us and to convince us that it is real. And that's the whole point. Like, I don't don't feel bad about thinking that when the product is literally designed to make you feel that way. so my advice is really to get off of social media as much as you can and then secondly follow accounts that actually inspire you and help you and not make you feel less than or make you feel like your life isn't perfect and your life has to be or you don't have the money to buy literally your brain and your heart will thank you by making those changes now if you're looking for advice, email me at learningtomompodcast.mommail at gmail.com with the subject line mom mail.

21:26And then keep your ears open because we might just answer it on an upcoming episode. For someone that's listening that is scared to perhaps start on this path of putting down the wine glass or whatever at the end of the night, but feels a little tug in her heart that like this is what you should be doing. What advice or words of wisdom do you have for her? Yeah, well, acknowledge that the gut, because that's another thing I think that, you know, when we use those terms like, oh, man, I knew it in my gut that I should have or shouldn't have or like, oh, or I just feel this, but we don't trust ourselves.

22:09So trust it, trust the nudge. And what if we come from a place of curiosity? Not that you're wrong, not that it's bad, not that you quote unquote have a problem, but like, hmm, I want to get curious about what it would be like to drink something different or what it would be like to try a new routine or maybe try that thing where I go sit for five minutes quietly and just see what comes up and give yourself some space to just see how you feel. And then you're going to get some answers because either you'll begin to notice that you feel more energy. I mean, amazing how you sleep. I just had a consult with a lady today and she's like, when I don't drink, I sleep so much better.

22:58She's like, and yet I keep going back to it. And I'm like, yeah. So you see little things like that. And so just noticing those things, but also really asking yourself, what is it that I'm avoiding? What is it that I'm not willing to address with my husband? Or what is it that I'm just not willing to admit to myself? And it could just be simply, she hasn't really paid herself any attention. She's given so much of her capacity mentally, physically, emotionally to her children or to her husband or to her work or her friends or whatever that is that she hasn't slowed down yet. So that's where I would start, because the beauty of this whole journey is it's not about judgment, whether you're wrong.

23:45It's about when you come to realize that something's just not serving you, it's worth getting curious. It's like, hmm, when I eat Mexican food, like my stomach hurts. That's just odd. Like, why does I wonder why my stomach hurts or something? And then I'm go a little while and then I eat it again and go, oh, yeah, it's Mexican food. It makes my stomach hurt. It doesn't mean that I'm wrong for choosing it because it's really yummy and I like it, but it's not serving me. And so I can still choose it if I want. But if I know that I want to feel good and I don't want to be bloated and my hands be swollen in the morning with my wake up, then I might need to choose something different.

24:28And I know that's kind of silly, but it's I want people to hear that as a come from because so many conversations around alcohol. It's scary because it feels so like, oh, my gosh, what if I'm an alcoholic or what if I have to tell someone or is there something wrong with me or am I broken or this is so embarrassing? It's so shameful. And it's not about that at all. It's about let me just get curious because I'm realizing that this isn't working for me anymore and I want to see. And then you'll realize that it's either working and you're like, oh, yeah, I've got this. And I think I want to try some new things and new routines.

25:05Or you may realize, hey, golly, there's some big emotions coming up that I'm not really, really able to work through on my own. And I might need to find support. And that's OK, too. For the mom who might be listening to this, what would you tell her or what would you say to her regarding her worth or her strength, maybe her ability to cope on hard days? Yeah, I think the biggest thing is that you are worthy from birth. There's nothing you did. There's nothing that you can do to lose it. That that is just your design and who you are. And you can tell I can I feel emotion when I when I share this.

25:45Because it's so real. And I deal with so many women that struggle with it. And that you're capable. And that you have strength that you don't even know that you have yet. And so much of this comes from just learning to trust yourself. And for me, this all comes from our creator. He created us this way. And he's available to provide any of this. And you are designed for a purpose. whether you're a believer or not. There's a reason why you're here. There's a reason that you're a mother. I just recorded an episode coming out soon on motherhood and just how it's truly a calling and how it's not just because, yay, we want to have kids and this is fun and cute and I love the family unit and all this, but it's truly a calling.

26:37Like we are, we, even the days when we feel like we're not coping well and we've not done a great job we're planting seeds for our children and you have the ability to cope and sometimes coping looks like crying in your pillow and sometimes it looks like deciding to leave the dirty dishes in the messy kitchen and like veg out on a Netflix show and sometimes it looks like going to bed early and maybe not reading the book to the kid because they're okay as long as they're know they're loved and that they're seen and that you're showing up for them. That stuff doesn't have to be done. It's more about who you are and how you're showing up as a mom.

27:23And it starts with you. And so you're capable and you're absolutely worthy. Well, that was a really good note to end this conversation on, Michelle. Thank you so much. I know we had to cover so much. So I feel like this was obviously only the tip of the iceberg. Was there anything that we didn't talk about today that you think is helpful for women to know? I think the biggest thing is that you're not alone in your struggles. And it's so simple for us to just assume that we're the only ones or we have these like blanket ideas like, oh, they have support or their family nearby, by whatever the story is.

28:06And some of that may be true. Maybe they do have more physical support. But how is that story serving you? So much of our own development and growth is stunted because we want to hang on to stories. Because in the beginning, they feel kind of good, like, oh, we're validated because, yes, this is true. But it's not serving us. And it's okay to feel these things to vent. But also it's important that you take the reins and you can take control of your life, too, because we all have a choice. And that's the biggest thing is recognizing that we can feel this way. We can have this experience, but we all have a choice to move forward and to make a new decision, even though it's hard.

28:50And I think the biggest thing is just realizing you're not alone and you have power. You have the ability to change your life. Story time. My husband and I were at this party a few months back and one of his best friends and his fiance were there and they came up to me all excited. Like, I mean, literally they were like, we have to tell you we have been using the laundry detergent that you talk about on Instagram for months now and we are obsessed. They don't have kids. They don't listen to the podcast, but they are supportive of the Learning to mom podcast and I'm so grateful. So they follow the Instagram and that's where they heard me talk about this laundry detergent.

29:28Literally, I promise you this happened. It was like, it was kind of like, oh my gosh, we're literally talking about laundry detergent right now. I literally started laughing about it because of all the things to be talking about at a party. We're over here bonding over laundry detergent. I swear, this is a real story. But it made me so happy because obviously it's kind of scary to share something that you love because you do want other people to love it too and we all have different product like preferences and stuff and I will say majority of people that I talk to that have tried truly free love it like maybe one in ten tell me like oh I didn't like the scent or like whatever so I do feel like really confident promoting the laundry detergent but it's always scary you know so I was pumped that they are just as obsessed as I am with it.