How to Discipline Your Toddler (and Handle Tantrums Calmly) with Lisa from BratBusters Parenting | Ep. 111

0:00Disciplined toddlers in their role, they're about actions, not words. Words are completely useless with them. even if they can speak, it's not their language yet. Their language is physical. They're about actions. You remove them from the fun or fun from them just temporarily. They'll start to connect the dots, but it takes time. Welcome back, mom friend, to the Learning to Mom podcast. I'm so thankful and grateful to have you here. In case this is your first time tuning in, my name is Leila, and this is the Motherhood podcast where you get legit, tangible information without feeling judged, belittled, or overwhelmed.

0:34It's one of a kind, and I'm so glad that you're joining us today. Here we do things a little bit more holistic, question the status quo, and talk about motherhood in a way that actually encourages moms to see the fun and joy of it all. So if that sounds good to you, let's get into it. Each expert guest comes with their own perspective and background, so please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Hi, Lisa. Welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast.

1:06Hi, Layla. Nice to meet you. Well, for all of the listeners, today we're talking with Lisa from Brat Busters Parenting, and this is someone who you have seen before. You're just now only going to be hearing her voice, but let me tell you, you have seen her on Instagram. She is an absolute gem. She is so, so helpful. And I'm just so thankful that you are with us today, Lisa. Well, thank you very much for that buildup. Now there's a lot of pressure on me to be decent. So I'll have to really stretch myself here. Well, before we get into all of the ins and outs of your tips and tricks for disciplining and handling tantrums, tell us a little bit about yourself and what Brat Busters Parenting is all about in case someone may not be aware yet.

1:54Yeah, I'm not good at this. I'm not good about talking about myself here. But what I teach is calm leadership, I call it. So you'd be calm during the storms. That's when you're disciplining and when they're acting out, you're all business, there's no emotions. And then you want to be crazy during the rainbows. That's the happy time. So I don't teach, I mean, I talk about discipline all the time, because those are the questions that are being fired at me. That is not my focus at all. It's about connection, bonding with your kid, having fun with them, because fun, happiness, joy, laughter is their love language.

2:24which happens to be mine too. So it's a really good fit with kids. But yeah, it's not about discipline. That's not how you get good kids. You get it through the connection. Discipline is just a sideline that you have to address. I think when I started my business in 2007, the pleaser parent style had a real firm hold on parents because it really appeals to the mom's emotions. And I probably don't as much. I'm here for results. And I mean, I want the results for parents. And I also have to take into consideration their emotions. But that's not my first priority. My first priority is that you have fun parenting and you enjoy it.

2:57I know how to get you there. But anyway, so yeah, it just took off and I really enjoy what I do. It's an absolute passion business. And yeah, it's just been a total joy helping all these parents. Because when you love what you do and you're helping people, I mean, it's a business too, but really emotionally, when you're helping people every single day and you hear from them every single day, I'll tell you, that's life, you know? Oh, I know. Yeah. It is awesome. It is awesome. but I do absolutely love it. You mentioned something right then, just when you were explaining it, and it was something about another parenting approach or philosophy, having a stronghold.

3:35What was that? What did you just say? I call it the pleaser parent. It's when you're trying to make everything easy for your kids. You're rolling out the red carpet. You go into all these mini therapy sessions, discussing all their big feelings, all their big emotions, when really all they need is consequences. So when they're angry because they didn't get their own way, that is when you just hand out a discipline, and you're very businesslike, and then you let it go. All the discussions around bad behavior, just bring on more bad behavior. You're actually cutting down their self esteem and their confidence.

4:03If you focus on their bad behavior, you're going to get more of it. And that's what I found was happening. When a kid is acting out, there's not a lot of emotions around it. It's just I wanna. That's all it is, really. It's just I wanna. So what you're addressing is their impulse control, you're not really addressing their emotions and their feelings when you're correcting them. And that's, I'd say the biggest mistake is you're trying to, you're assuming that there's a lot of feelings and emotions around crying because they didn't get their own way. No, they're just mad because they didn't get their own way.

4:33So, and there's a whole bunch of other stuff involved too, but basically it came in the first time I ever saw this coming in, this style, because I'm older, I'm in my sixties now. And I saw it coming in maybe 40 years ago and it came in with participation awards. I remember thinking, are you freaking kidding me? You do nothing and you get an award that epitomizes the whole pleaser parent style. Question then, what's the difference between that, your approach and gentle parenting? Well, I don't discuss gentle parenting because I don't know anything about it. I've never studied any other parenting method.

5:12I learned all this from kids. I have sort of three different parenting sort of areas that I talk about. One is the old-fashioned authority. It's not bad. It's not bad. But if they have it in them, they're going to rebel in the teen years against the authority. It's just natural, right? Because in order to grow up, you can't be told what to do all the time. It sort of relies on you want that obedient soldier kind of idea. And I don't do that. So then the pleaser one is one the other way, the pendulum went the other way, people didn't like being raised by an authority style. So they went the other way.

5:47Like, what do you want? What do you want to wear? What do you want to eat? Always asking them, sometimes they just want to you to take charge. No, they don't always want to be making decisions about every little thing. So anyway, that's the pleaser parent style. I'm in the middle. I teach leadership. And my whole idea is that I want to raise kids who make good choices. So I never try and stop them from doing anything bad. I want them to do the bad thing if they're going to do it. I let them do it. Then I come in later and say, okay, you chose to do that. Here's a consequence. And that's how I do it.

6:20My consequences are, if you want to go into all that. That was going to be one of my questions was like, okay, but we are addressing an age that doesn't use the behavior board. So it's a little bit different. I do have a behavior board at three plus, but between 12 and 24 months, which you said, that's sort of the age group we're in right now. It's about consistent corrective actions. It's not about words. It's more of a knee jerk reaction way of learning, because they don't have that sense of stopping and thinking before they act their frontal lobe hasn't developed yet. They don't have a sense of reasoning.

6:51They're just toddlers. They're just one tumbleweed to one tumbleweed and some, you know, confetti up in their heads right now. They're just not putting it all together yet. But they do learn through knee-jerk reaction and repetition, heavy repetition. So what I mean by that is they don't learn the first 10 times. It usually takes 50 or more. But you will see the behavior start to diminish over time. It's knee-jerk. They don't stop and think before they act, but something will stop them. If every time they do that bad behavior, you go in with a consistent corrective action, which would be taking the fun away from them or them away from the fun just for a minute or two.

7:27They'll start to connect the dots and they'll just stop doing the bad behavior after a while. But it takes time. It's all these mini therapy sessions discussing, discussing it and discussing it. Total waste of time. They are not listening. They're appeasing you when they go, yes, mommy, no, mommy, I don't I don't want to be bad. I would it's they're not listening. They're just parroting and they're saying what just anything to shut you up basically they'll just repeat whatever you're saying and then they're going to do it again I've had so many clients who said I told him and he said to me I'm sorry mommy I didn't mean to hit you I'm sorry I'd be a good boy and then the parent will say and then he hit me again I'm like yeah what's your point of course he did because all you did was discuss it learn through actions I say like maybe 10 months to 15 months, there's still babies when they start to hit and all that.

8:17That's when you say no, and you might hold their hand if they hit you, then you redirect. Okay, redirect, you don't, you don't remove the fun or you know, they don't get it yet. But at 16 months, they can start to connect the dots. Oh, I get it when I hit that toys taken away. Oh, I get it. They just start to connect the dots. At three, they can stop and think before they act. That's the sense of reason the common sense, the frontal lobe is starting to kick in. They're not just all about impulses, they literally could stop and think before they act. Doesn't mean they will, but you're training them to do that by using the behavior board.

8:46The behavior board starts at the age of three, maybe one month before, but I don't even like that. It literally just starts kicking in at three. They just change at three. Three is a fork in the road. They either go one way or the other. So if you've been a leader, they get easier. If you haven't, they get worse. But they're not all inclined to do that. But that's generally how it goes. It's when they stop and think. I always say when they blow out their birthday cake at three years old, they sit back and they go, do they know what they're doing or not? Am I going to become really easy or am I going to be a little devil and take charge?

9:17You know, it's almost right at three that that happens because that's when they can stop and think and start to reason. 16 to 35 months to me as a toddler, 15 months and under as a baby. Yeah. Three and four is a preschooler and then off from there. Okay. Yeah. They're just different. They just are. You can just see it like a three-year-old. You go into any kind of your preschool or wherever you call it in your area that they start at three. And you could look at a two-year-old and a three-year-old. It's a huge leap. Huge. Yeah. And it's not that different the way you parent a three-year-old to a 12-year-old.

9:53It's not that different. Now, super fast. If this podcast is like your parenting textbook, then our mom club on Patreon is where it all comes to life. You'll be more informed with having access to the full length ad-free guest interviews. For example, you're only listening to 33 minutes of this interview, but mom club members got the full 58 minutes of this interview. So they're much more informed and confident in their knowledge. You'll also feel fully prepared for whatever motherhood throws at you because you get early access to the episodes, giving you more time to make decisions that are right for your family.

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11:16I can't wait to meet you inside, mom friend. Are you still doing the corrective? No, no, none of that. None of that happens now. It's no, no no consistent corrective actions anymore it's all behavior board okay it's all discussed here's the rule if you break it there's a consequence there's always two consequences but we're not getting into all that no that's all my website if anyone's interested bratbusters.com it explains the behavior board which is completely free but we're and it still has a toddler section on it too so it's a mini course but it's free and uh but yeah we're discussing little wee ones so they're not thinking stuff through they're just all impulses they're cute but they're all feet no brains, right?

11:55I always say, imagine if you've only been in the world for two years, and the first year, you're a potato laying on a mattress. Like, I think people forget how new they are. Imagine if you just saw this big world, and you're really just coming awake, your brain's starting to work. And you're like, yeah, you're gonna imagine, yeah, you know, like my granddaughter, 17 months, and we'll just pass by something. And there's all this really neat stuff around, but she'll stop and look at a pole. Like, wow. And I'm like, yeah, but look what's over here. But I know enough about kids that let them guide you on what interests them.

12:29Yeah. So where do you think the line is in coming in and stepping in? It's when they do something bad, basically. Just say it like it is. If they hit, if they spit, if they, screaming, by the way, attitude we can never address. You can't stop them from screaming. But if they hit, if they do, it's an action usually. So if they do something that's just bad, you know, they kick the dog, they, they threw a toy across the room that you know what I mean? It's just anything like that. They throw food on the floor. That's when you take action. It might be good for me to mention my top five tips for parenting toddlers, because it does cover a lot here.

13:07So and it please. Okay, great. So this is number one childproof your home. So you never have to say no, that's an exaggeration. You're still gonna have to say no sometimes. But I want to set them up for success. Like I don't want them to always be tempted by something. I kind of think that's unfair. If they're so inclined, they're not all like that. But most of them will try and play in dirt and plants, right? So stuff like that. I didn't everything I had in my house that I didn't want them to touch was waist high. So they couldn't touch it. I just made my life easier. So I could just relax. Number two is you set up a toy rotation system.

13:37So they're never bored. You put away 95 % of their toys, and they only have a few toys out at any given time. And then maybe once a week, or when they start getting bored, you rotate it, you might when they're really little, you do it when they're in bed. So they don't see you putting that stuff away. If they do have something that they play with every single day, you leave that out. But you know what I mean, the peripheral stuff that they're not they might pick up and play with for 20 seconds, and then throw it across the room. That's the stuff that you put away. Here's what's interesting. So when you do that, maybe once a week or whatever.

14:05So when you do that, they're just by the time that same toy comes out, it might be a few months, They're that much older. Every month makes a huge difference when they're that age. They'll play with it differently. It's like a new toy again. And plus, you look like the, it makes you look good too because you're always providing them with interesting stuff. And they do focus better when there's not as much stuff around. When there's too much stuff around, none of us can focus in clutter, in chaos. And they don't tend to focus on any one thing. And then parents will say, but they're so bored. They'll play with something for two minutes.

14:36And then they'll move on to the next. And I always say, well, how many toys are out? oh they've got a playroom full of toys I said get rid of it put all that stuff away and then just give them a few things I do this with my granddaughter she's just 17 months old but just like I'll put whatever she likes to play with or whatever she's got I'll use an old box or something that I like the other day I opened up a new box of diapers so I put that I folded down the sides and then I put a whole bunch of toys in that box so and she'll spend ages pulling all that stuff out. It's the same stuff, but it's just presented in a different way.

15:10So moving stuff around is also a good way to do that. Anyway, that's the setup of toy rotation system. I got set up on that. Anyway, number three, connect with toddlers in their world, not your world. Their world is not the nail salon or the cafe. Their world is playing in a mud pie. You go and play with them. If they're throwing, like my granddaughter loves throwing bark mulch at the park, I'm doing it with her. So you enter their world. They look at you differently when you do that. All of a sudden, you're relatable. I won't get into the psychology behind all that, but it's a whole other thing.

15:40If you want to get into it, I'm listening. Well, think about it though. Let's say you're a little wee kid and you've got parents around and they're applauding, they're talking about what you're doing. That's great. Don't get me wrong. It's great. But what about if that same parent sat down beside you and started also playing in the mud or the sand? What would that feel like? You think about maybe a 16, 17-month-old. What do you think they would be thinking? but they don't think a lot. They don't reason a lot, but what's the difference? What could, could you guess maybe what that difference would be?

16:11Well, I just think that it comes across as like, they enjoy spending time with me and so on and so forth. Yeah. That's way too much for them. They're just thinking, we, you know, that's their world. They're not thinking a lot. It's just, but that also goes like, you can tell that's why they have certain favorite uncles. Cause that's who gets down on the floor with them and crawls with them. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. To them, it's just yippee. And they just associate you with that. Okay. Now, number four is disciplined toddlers in their world. We already went through that. They're about actions, not words.

16:44Words are completely useless with them. Even if they can speak, it's not their language yet. Their language is physical. They're about actions. So yeah, I already went through that. You remove them from the fun or fun from them just temporarily. And then the very last one is stop trying to figure them out. They're not figureoutable. They're very simple. Like I said, it's just we like they're just they're very simple, but not stupid, but they're just forming. They haven't got a lot of thought processes yet. Yeah, they can put stuff together. I won't get into this too much, but they can put stuff together when reminded of it.

17:13But they're not thinking about it if it's not right in front of them. Like my granddaughter. It's really nice to have a granddaughter. Now I can talk about this, you know, present day. But I was reading a book with her and this is she was a few months younger, too. She was really little, but she wouldn't have thought, oh, whenever we're finished a book, grandma goes, the end, all excited. She loves that. She loves the control of closing the book. And then I go, the end. She wouldn't have thought of that until we get to the end of the book. And then all of a sudden she looks up at me, you know, excited.

17:41And then she closes the book, but she wouldn't have thought of that beforehand. So that's just an example of how they're not really thinking a lot through. Yeah. But right in the present moment, they can start to connect the dots. Yeah. That's where discipline comes in. When they hit, they'll start to connect the dots. Wait a minute. I just hit. In that moment, something bad might happen. I might lose that toy for an hour or something. But it has to be in the moment. And now it's time for this week's segment of Mom Mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener-submitted situation or scenario.

18:15Basically, you write in your tricky situation, and I give you the advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's what I received this past week. Hi, Layla. First, thank you so much for everything you do with this podcast. Seriously, it's been such a lifeline for me, and I don't know how I would have survived some days without your advice and honesty. That said, I've been thinking a lot about my future and my family, and I keep feeling torn. Deep down, I really want to be a stay-at-home mom, at least for the first few years of my baby's life. But every time I bring it up with my husband, friends, or family, I feel like I'm being judged.

18:48Some say I'd be wasting my degree. Others imply I'm selfish. And honestly, I just feel guilty for wanting this. I want to do what's best for my family, but I also want to feel proud of my choice without feeling like I'm letting anyone down. How do I make this decision and stick to it without feeling constant guilt? First and foremost, I don't think you're alone in feeling this pull and having this conflict. without stepping on a soapbox for a moment. I do think that because we are not supported enough through policies like laws that allow us to really have a great quality maternity leave, we are forced to be separated from our children, from our offspring.

19:31At the end of the day, we are mammals. It is not biologically normal to go back to work at a matter of weeks postpartum. So first, I just kind of want to say, like, don't feel bad or, I don't know, stressed that maybe perhaps you never thought that you would do that. Like, I think because we're all forced to separate from our offspring early, it causes a lot of inner turmoil. So you're not alone. And I think it's just biologically normal, to be honest, because we're not supposed to be separated from them. However, that doesn't answer your question at all. So I want to make sure I get to that. The thing that stuck out to me here was that you said that you feel like you're being judged by your husband when you bring this up.

20:14And I think it is so important to be on the same page with this. With any big life decision, you really have to make sure you're on the same page as your husband. So really, I think before you worry about anyone else and appeasing anyone else or not letting anyone else down, you and your husband have to come to an agreement together. Um, let's say you guys do come to that agreement and he's like, okay, awesome. I totally understand where you're coming from. I think it would be great for you to be a stay at home mom. Now you're worried about everyone else. Let it go. I know that is not very helpful.

20:52I know hearing like, let it go. Don't worry about others opinions. It's just, it's great in theory. I think the more you do it, the more practice you have of letting go of other people's opinions of you, it gets easier every time. Keep reminding yourself that they don't walk in your shoes. They're not the ones who put in all of the effort to get your degree. Like they're the ones saying that you'd be wasting your degree. You are well aware of what you went through and all the sacrifices you made to get that degree. And I also don't believe that it's a waste. I believe that you learned so many amazing life skills and grew in knowledge and empathy and understanding of the world in getting your degree that you can then pour out to your kids better because of that knowledge and because of your background.

21:42So don't view it as wasting your degree. Like it's, it's, it's not, it's not. Um, but I do also want to just make sure that when we talk about being a stay at home mom, like, yeah, you can always be a stay at home mom indefinitely, or you really could just do it for a few years. Like you mentioned the first few years of your baby's life. You can use your degree later on. Once your baby is a little bit older, once you feel okay, leaving your baby for an extended amount of time. So I hope that was helpful. The end you're like, how do I make this decision and stick to it without feeling constant guilt?

22:20Just literally no one else's opinion matters. And if you kind of need to like, keep that on the DL for a while, you don't have to tell them. You just have to just let people know who is pertinent for them to know. Like you don't need to go around announcing it. Keep it close to your chest. Other people don't really have to know. If you're afraid of other people's judgment because their comments really are hurtful, don't tell them. And then how do you make this decision? Look at your budget. Really think through, would you be happy? Do you, are you happy hanging out with your kid 24-7? Is that going to make you more resentful?

22:56Make sure that you and your husband are on the same page. Really hope that was helpful. I know I just word vomited a lot at you, but thank you so much for writing in. Whatever decision you make, I know it's going to be the right one. And also, you can make a decision and then change your mind. It's not a this is the decision forever. So I hope that was helpful. If you're looking for advice, email me at learningtomompodcast.mommail at gmail.com with the subject line, MomMail. And then keep your ears open because we might just answer it on an upcoming episode. so when you talk about removing them from the fun in that instance is that time out what is your take on no because you're with them and when you remove them there's no anger there's no discussing it you just say oh okay so you pull them away from the fun that is the lesson right there so let's say there's a couple of kids playing in a sandbox and one hits the other i would pick up the one but you got to be quick you're really fast they have to connect it you go no and the The word no is not destroying them.