How to Help Your Toddler Sleep in Their Own Bed Without Bedtime Battles with Attachment Based Sleep Coach Heather Boyd | Ep. 124

0:03Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Learning to Mom podcast. If you're new here, this is the podcast where you get the inside scoop on all things motherhood. Now, this is the only podcast that grows with you. So season one covers all things pregnancy and birth. Season two is all things postpartum and baby's first year of life. And now we're covering your baby's second year of life. So topics you'll encounter when they're 12 to 24 months old here in season three, each season is 52 episodes long, a whole year. So if you get pregnant again or have a pregnant friend, tell them about season one.

0:38It's just as good as this season. And you can always find the episodes that apply to your life season and just start listening in and dive in here. You'll get your questions answered by experts without feeling judged, belittled, or overwhelmed. This is a safe judgment, free, super honest space. And I'm so dang glad to have you here. Each expert guest comes with their own perspective and background. So please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

1:10Hi, Heather. Welcome back to the Learning to Mom podcast. I'm excited to be here again, Leila. I can't wait to chat with you. Well, as I was saying, you were truly the only person that I wanted to come on and speak on this topic because I loved our conversation last season. And with your background and love for secure attachment, I just didn't trust anybody else to talk about this topic in a kind, empathetic, understanding way that also like fosters secure attachment with your kid. Well, I just feel so warm hearing that. That makes me feel so good, Layla. Well, I know people are going to fall in love with you.

1:50But before we get into all of the goodness that we have to talk about for today's episode, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and what spurred you to start sleep consulting in case someone didn't listen to last season's episode with you? Yeah, so I'm an occupational therapist of nearly 25 years now and a mom of three boys. And I have always worked in infant development, so always with zero to three. And when I had my third kiddo and decided not to return to work, I knew that I wanted to do something a bit more flexible in private practice for myself. And because my firstborn had had such a difficult relationship with sleep for quite some time.

2:33I had already had some training in attachment-based, developmentally-based sleep, which means looking at how sleep naturally develop and how can we use attachment to nurture that development. And so I decided, gosh, the one thing I could have used when I was struggling because I did not understand how sleep worked, I understood all the other aspects of infant development because that had been my job for ages, but I did not know sleep. And so when I started applying what I knew about sleep and my personal experience, I knew that there were parents like me who needed to understand what sleep looked like, how it developed so we could work with it instead of trying to get babies to do things they weren't developmentally ready to do.

3:17And so now, I think it's eight years later, I'm still going strong. I have a practice in Ontario, Canada. That's where I work as an OT doing the sleep support. And then I have an international practice as well with my OT hat off and just my sleep coach hat on. That is truly why we're having this conversation today. Because so many of my audience members co-sleep and they just simply don't want to co-sleep anymore. Like babies are a year old and they're like, I want my bed back. I want my space back. How do I get them to sleep in their own bed? And I just wanted someone to be able to speak on that and like very delicately and empathetically instead of someone being like, oh, sleeping is horrible, you know, because biological, you know, all that stuff.

4:02So talking about just developmentally, what is going on? Why is this stage, this 12 to 24 months? Why is it so common for sleep space struggles or clinginess at bedtime? Let's just start there. Okay. So we know the first year is huge for those basic milestones, right? Kids go from rolling to like pulling to stand to on the verge of walking as they cross over, you know, that 12 month point into their second year. but they're also going through changes in their attachment i always use gordon newfeld's attachment stages and at around the 10 or 11 month mark babies move from being very sensory with their attachment so needing to see hear smell feel the person that loves them unconditionally and is going to make sure everything is okay into a new phase where they want to be the same but it's a bit of a push pull after the first year because they want to be the same as the people they love that's why language develops because they want to imitate what they hear that's why 15 or 18 month olds will want to feed the dog because they see you feeding the dog or they want to sweep the floor because they see you sweeping the floor it's all copying right but at the same time they're also figuring out that they are separate from you so instead of that first year where babies don't know that they are separate from you.

5:30They haven't separated themselves from their parent yet. After that first year, they're starting to get this inkling that they're a separate human being. And with that comes an increase in feeling uncertain. Like, it feels really vulnerable to all of a sudden realize, like, you're not a part of this person that you've been carried by, fed by, loved in that first year. That's scary. It's unsettling. But the other piece, if we look at what's happening, not just motorically, like where kids are literally able to walk away from their safety net, right? Like toddlers can toddle away, but they also have this social emotional need for independence.

6:11We get the like wanting to do it themselves and getting very, very upset when things don't work the way that they think they should. And so with that separation, nature has kind of put in a little bit of a safety net for them by wanting them to come back to that safe home base, like to be close to a parent while simultaneously wanting to move away. And that's where you get kids moving away, but looking back to make sure you're still watching and then coming back for a top up of hugs or security or safety or feeding and then moving away again. And so when we look at when kids are sleeping, they are at a vulnerable time of the day.

6:52It's quiet. It's dark. It can feel scary. Nature, again, has put in this little safety valve, I think, of this fear of the dark and of nightmares eventually coming up closer to the second year. And so there really is this push and pull in that second year of life between that independence and that need to be close and still cuddled and snuggled and supported. Okay. So I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but the second I started caring about non-toxic products, I got so overwhelmed. Like you start looking at labels, Googling ingredients, you're trying to code what's actually safe. And before you know it, you're deep in some rabbit hole and how even like natural brands aren't really natural and just freaking exhausting, which is why I love Truly Free Home.

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9:10Again, go to the episode show notes. You don't want to miss that 30 % off. Wow. I feel like I have so many questions just from that. First question though, let's say you've been co-sleeping for 12 months or you've been co-sleeping for 15 months or you have an 18 month old and you're like, it's time. Where do you start? What are the first things that you need to do to get your toddler to sleep in their own bed? Right. So I I think the first is, and it's almost always the first, understand your kiddo and their temperament. Because different kiddos are going to have a different pull towards independence or towards wanting that space.

9:48And if you understand or at least pause and think, who is my kiddo and what is it that they need? Then you're at least going to have a template. I know that parents that are desperate for figuring out answers, whether it's around moving away from co-sleeping or whether it's night weaning, always looking for a template online, like give me the schedule that they should use. Give me how many naps. Think of this as your kiddos unique template for them. Don't look at anybody else. Look at who your kiddo is and what you know of them right now. And I remember this age so well because I felt like I should know my kids super well at this stage.

10:26They've been around for a year. Like I must know them inside out. They are constantly changing and developing. So it's not like it's a set it and forget it. I get my kid and now it all makes sense. I have a 15 year old in the house and I can tell you this is a lifelong exploration of who our kids are and what they need from us. But I think start there, start with understanding. Are they highly sensitive to change? Do they love routine and rhythm? What helps them relax? What helps them feel good in their body? How much do they need sleep? What's the ideal timing of their sleep? What has worked well for helping them settle into sleep?

11:05And let that be your first guide. So I'd say off the top, first and foremost, understand your kid's temperament. The second, I think, would be, what is your why? And I know that's such a popular question to ask, right? What is the why for everything that we do that has meaning. So often by this age, if we have already been co-sleeping, we're already, at least in North America, kind of bucking the trend on where babies sleep. And by a year, we think that there's this rite of passage. One year coming of age of independence that we need to get on this boat to move forward with independent sleep. We're often touched out by this point, feeling like maybe there needs to be a change so that things can feel easier like we thought it would be after the year.

11:53And not that it isn't easy in many, many ways, but it's still highly intense phase of parenting. And so understanding is my why because I think I should or because I think I'm somehow going to damage their ability to sleep independently if I don't do it now? Or is it that you're feeling burnt out or feeling like your energy reserves are low or you're going through a shift like a return to work or a move? All of those things can impact how important or urgent we feel like this is and taking some time to reflect on where what's the real reason that I want to do this and am I comfortable with that reason or can I wait until the reason is that I think my kiddo's ready and I'm ready and we can move forward.

12:41So I would say that that's the number two thing to get ready. In terms of practical though, how to get ready, it goes back to the environment. Like we've talked a bit about that connection. That's the social emotional environment. But the physical environment, when you think about moving from a parent bed to their own bed, it's a big leap in who is nearby and what space they're in. Most of the time, parents picture moving their kiddos out from parent room and shared bed to their own room. And the ideas we have and the image we have of that can just absolutely be wonderful. You think, oh my goodness, I'll have my bed back.

13:25And so coveting that space is absolutely fine. It's normal to feel like we want that space back. But how do we go from that kind of proximity and shared sleep space into a nursery, keeping in mind our own needs for this and our why, but our kids' needs and stage of development and temperament? And so what that might look like, and I'm going to throw a few scenarios or at least a couple of scenarios in because I think parents think it's either all or nothing. I'll add too, in case I forget to mention that nursing is part of this too. And a lot of parents think that this means night weaning has to happen to make this work.

14:07It doesn't. They think that it means kiddo is going to be in their room, in a crib, and parents are going to be down the hall and that's going to be the end of it. But it is a shift. It is a transition. So if we think about what environment is a toddler used to if they're bed sharing. They're used to feeling you move at night. They're used to hearing you breathe. They're used to you shushing them or speaking gently to them in the night to soothe them when they wake up. They may be used to feeding periodically through the night as well. And so if you're moving them to their own room in their own crib, you're changing an awful lot, like pretty much everything.

14:47And I remind parents that because childhood is so sensory, right? Kids are learning everything through their senses. Well, we all do, but especially kiddos, that we're also changing the smell of the mattress or the sound of the vents in the room or the way the light comes in the window in the morning, or even the angle of the echo of steps in the hallway. It changes. You may as well be in a hotel room in a foreign country for all the changes that you're going through practically, not quite, but practically. And so when we're looking at what can we do to set this up, see if you can change just one thing at a time or a few things at a time, not the whole kit and caboodle.

15:31And that might look like starting simply to separate physically in the bed that you're already in. Instead of being snuggled right up. You might just be inching towards having a gap. It doesn't mean it's all night. Doesn't mean that you have to keep pushing them away when you're getting close to that morning time where sleep is really light anyway. And we know that babies are going to sleep better if we can just be close to them. For many kids, they're going to sleep better in those early morning hours when that transition to morning sleep is happening. So see if you can make one or two changes at a time.

16:07Think about proximity in the bed. Think about the way that you're responding. Is it purely physical, like nursing, patting on the back, snuggling in? Or do you have some other ways to help them settle in the night, like shushing or even just pausing and waiting for them to realize that you're there? They might reach out to you or they might call your name and you roll over and pat them or something different that is a little less physical than they're used to, but not so much that you're pulling the rug out from under them. Another shift that can happen in that environment, if you think of it as like a ladder to get where you want to go, another rung in the ladder might be to move both of you, mom and baby, into the nursery on a floor mattress so that the only change being made is the room that they're in.

17:02That's a good one. I hadn't considered that. I've only thought of them being in the crib and like you being on the mattress. That's a really good one because yeah, in my brain, I was expecting you to say like, bring in their crib, have them sleep in their crib, just in your room first, then like put them in their crib in their room. But I feel like that simple tip of just you and baby sleeping in their room is easier and probably does it faster. And now it's time for this week's segment of MomMail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario.

17:36Basically, you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering this week. Hi, MomFriend. Thank you for creating the MomMail segments. I love it. It's my favorite part of the whole episode. And today I'm writing in long story short. I am so lonely, which I didn't expect I'm surrounded by people all day my kids my husband women at the park, but I don't have mom friends myself any tips I take it from this i'm assuming you're a stay-at-home mom Um because you said like women at the park. We never said co-workers or anything Oh, I am so sorry That you are feeling lonely that freaking sucks.

18:17Okay Okay. Surrounded by people, but I don't have any mom friends myself. Any tips? Okay. The tips that I would share with you is really just like putting yourself out there to make mom friends. So I would recommend, you know, you said you're surrounded by women at the park, but like that's where I have met friends at the park. Like I have introduced myself, like we've become friends. We've had play dates from women that I've met at the park. It is scary to introduce yourself, but that's really all that it takes. I don't, of course, I don't know you like personally, but I know you have such a desire to have friends that I'm sure that you are a great friend yourself and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

19:03So just put on some confidence, even fake the confidence for a while while you're doing introductions. And just put yourself out there. It really doesn't take much. But I would suggest like, you know, if you're at the park and let's say that there is another child that your kid is playing with, that's super easy to just, you know, introduce yourself to the other parent. Like, hi, I'm so-and-so's mom. It looks like our kids are playing together nicely. Do you come to this park a lot? Or, oh, I really like your shirt. Where did you get it from? I'm trying to think of other like easy conversation starters.

19:38It just takes a moment of courage and just putting yourself out there. And then the conversation will start to flow. The hardest part is starting the conversation. But I know that you're so hungry for friends and I know you can do it, but I know that's so much easier said than done. Another great way to make mom friends is to get involved in like mom meetup kind of things. A lot of communities have free events. For example, something that comes to mind is the certified baby wearing consultant that came on and was a bonus episode on Patreon, which was freaking awesome. But I see her stuff all the time.

20:19Like she's always putting together free events on her, um, like for her business, that's like, come baby wear or come do a stroller walk and meet me and meet other mom friends. Like, I think that's a super easy win because you know women are going there with the hope of them making friends as well. And so I would just start following little small accounts or small businesses rather in your area that are local to your area that do those kinds of meet, like free meetups. I could probably talk on and on about this, but that's really what comes to mind. So I'm proud of you for writing in because I know that's kind of scary even to admit.

20:58I'm so sorry that you're feeling lonely and that you're struggling. But I'm sure, I'm sure that just if you put yourself out there a little bit, put on a smile and have a little bit of confidence, it will go a long, long way. Now, if you're looking for advice, email me at learningtomompodcast.mommail at gmail.com with the subject line, Mom Mail, and then keep your ears open because we might just answer it on an upcoming episode. I feel like it's easier. And I guess when we're looking at what changes to make, buy yourself some time to think about the next move, because not everything is permanent.

21:38Like our feelings one day may not be how we're feeling the next week. And so when we can ride through these, and I went through several of these waves over the three kids that I've had, like, we have to change something now. It's like, no, no, this is not an emergency. What do I really need out of this? I guess that would be a really valuable thing to ask too, is why do I feel like I have to do this now? Is it that I just haven't been going to bed early enough? Is it that I haven't had tea with a friend lately to really kind of unwind and relax and connect socially? is as much as our toddlers have that social drive and that big leap in social development, we have that social connection need too, right?

22:22Especially at this phase in parenting with toddlers. Gosh, we need some adult conversation, right? And a friend that can hear us out. Don't treat it like an emergency. Treat it like a long-term plan that there are going to be these waves that you can ride out. And if the wave ends up being like sustained, you're like, no, I've waited this out and I still feel very strongly about this like this is really important to me then make those little changes to move towards what you see as being more ideal at this point in time that is an excellent excellent tip that is exactly why I wanted you on today because I knew you would share excellent stuff okay so question I want to talk about bedtime and when it becomes a power struggle which I feel like many times at least in my experience was in this window when we get a little more vocal and we don't want the fun to stop.

23:14How can we set boundaries? How do we keep things from escalating? And I want to make sure I ask you this because I just love your take on sleep with secure attachment. Oh, nobody feels good with a power struggle. But we think we have to die on this mountain. Like if we're the ones in charge and we decide that A is going to happen and our toddlers decide that B is going to happen, that somehow we have to power through it and show them that we're the leaders in the family and like win out and make a happen. I say more often than not dropping the rope. And I don't know if you've heard that analogy.

23:48If you picture this as a tug of war with your toddler, the same thing applies to teens, by the way, I'm realizing more and more the same things that I helped parents with through the toddler years. It's copied in teenagehood. It really is so similar. And this idea of if you're in a tug of war with your kiddo, you don't have to pull. You can drop the rope. You don't need to be right. You don't need to make this happen. It doesn't mean you're walking over to their side of the tug of war field. It just means you're not pulling anymore. You're not trying to make it look a certain way. Is there something that is built in to toddlers and preschoolers called counter will.

24:30And adults have it too. Like when we don't like being told what to do and we just do the opposite. I'm sure we've all had teachers that we haven't really been aligned or attached to that were like, oh, well, no, you told me that. I don't like this. I'm going to do the opposite. With toddlers and preschoolers, they're starting to kick into this counter will. And that means whatever you say, they're going to say no. And if we push this, they're going to push back. It is built in. Like it's one of the biggest challenges. But once we know what to look for, we can go, oh, yeah, this is counter will because I'm pushing and they're pushing back.

25:06How can I still get there by going around instead of pushing? And Gordon Neufeld, I know I talk a lot about him. He talks about coming alongside, that you're both on the same team. You're both wanting to get through the day feeling good about yourselves, having fun, getting the rest you need, or maybe toddlers don't realize that they need the rest, but they do better when they have the rest they need to. When we come alongside, it's about remembering that we all want to feel attached to the people that care for us and love us. And so coming alongside is through connection and attachment. And there's a few key things that we can aim for to get that when we're trying to get out of the power struggle.

25:47And it is soft eyes, having a smile and getting that connection through a laugh or smile. And so I always say it's a twinkle in your eyes and a wrinkle. So that smile, that little wrinkle, at least I have a lot of them right now. If you get a twinkle and a wrinkle and you're connecting with them, it doesn't have to be boisterous play, although a lot of kids do really well with that. But it's that connection, the soft eyes and the smile. My shortcut is to be silly. To be silly and outrageous. Toddlers and preschoolers love the silly, outrageous, nonsensical stuff. And I know this is not related to sleep, but I'm going to tell an important story in our family history because it was when I really realized how to get around counter well with connection.

26:35It was at a fall fair and my kiddo had had a great day and he didn't want to get in the car seat. And I was like, I'm tired. Like, we've got grandma with us. We got to get back to the house. We got to get dinner. We like, there's a whole agenda I have in my head that involves leaving the fair like 10 minutes ago, but it was clear he was not into getting in the seat. And I thought, okay, I could either force them in the car seat. And there may be times that that is warranted. If we were late for a flight, maybe I'd be like, I'm sorry, buddy. There's too much at stake here. Dinner was not too much at stake.

27:09We had time for me to go the soft route. And rather than finagle him into the car seat and buckle him up where he'd be screaming. I'd be breaking out in a sweat and upset. I thought, okay, let me get connected through verbal. He was over two by this age. What can I do to connect with them? And I started talking about the fair. I said, what did you love about the fair? Of course, your questions might be different with a 15 month old versus a 23 month old, but what did you, or even just more pointed questions. Did you see the cow at the fair? did you see it poop it's not that but we'd also talked about balloons and a balloon had gotten away and flown away and i was like where do you think that balloon went and do you think it like landed in the chicken coop do you think those chickens are eating the just being ridiculous like something ridiculous and before i knew it we were both laughing and i just gently guided him into the car seat i almost felt like it was this covert operation like oh my gosh uh this feels good because I'm enjoying time with my son rather than trying to force him at the car seat.

28:14And he's just moving in. And the reason he's doing that is I melted away the counter will with connection. And both of us felt better for it. I was like, I can't believe this is working. This is why it's the story in our family because it was the first time that I saw this in action. And in one arm, like you think, oh, is he going to catch on when I get one arm into the strap? No. What about the other arm. No. Okay. Just keep talking, Heather. Keep being silly. And before I knew it, he was buckled in and happy. I was happy and off we went home. And so that long story is all about like melt the counter will through connection.