How to Make Mom Friends and Find Your People with the Joy Filled Podcast | Ep. 102

0:00I think that we get in our heads about reaching out to people where we feel like, oh, like, I don't want them to see my mess. And it's like everyone has a mess. We all have a mess. And so I would just say get really comfortable. The people that you have in your life, get comfortable asking for specific things for help because that strengthens friendship. And then be brave. Like if you want to start a small group or start a mom's group, like invite people over and get brave. because chances are you are not the only lonely one. You are not the only mom looking for friends. Hey, mom friend, real quick, just wanted to let you know, in case you didn't know, I actually batch record all 52 episodes for the whole year as a season within three months.

0:44So sometimes when we record an episode, the guest has changed some things up by the time it airs. The guest actually has stepped down from her podcast to spend some more time with her family after welcoming another child. That being said, it's still an incredible episode and I believe you'll get a lot out of it. Just wanted to give you the heads up there in case you get confused, but hello, I'm Layla, your official mom friend, welcoming you to another episode of the Learning to Mom podcast. Here I ask experts and guests and topics across motherhood, all our first time mom questions so that we can be empowered and educated without feeling overwhelmed.

1:21I'm no expert, but I make sure to ask these experts the right questions so it's not a waste of your time listening. Hi, Jenna. Welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast. Thank you so very much for being here. Hi. Thank you so much for having me. It's such an honor to be here. It's going to be a really, really good conversation today. Before we jump right into all things making mom friends, I want to make sure that my listeners know who you are in case they haven't come across you before. Do you mind? Yeah, I'm Jenna. I am a mom of three. I've been a stay-at-home mom since my oldest was a baby. That was always our plan.

2:01And it was always my dream to be a stay-at-home mom. But those first couple of years were a lot harder than I thought they were going to be. And through that and through some of the things that I've experienced in motherhood, I launched the Joyfield podcast in October of 2020. So I've been podcasting since then. and it's just been such a joy to get to talk about motherhood and yeah that's a little about me. Awesome okay well yeah her podcast is called the Joyful Podcast so go check it out after this but let's just start and dive right in. Why is making mom friends so dang hard? Well I mean I think it's hard for a lot of reasons.

2:44It's hard because we're busy and it can feel like, especially as moms and especially in that first year of motherhood, our focus is so honed in on our baby, our family, our home. We are, you know, adjusting to motherhood. We're adjusting to this new way of living. Really the first year of motherhood, there's so much going on emotionally. Your whole life has changed. You didn't just have a baby. You really like you're the way that you have lived has completely changed. And so that plays a huge part in it. And if you didn't have strong relationships before you had your baby, then it's just like it's hard.

3:31And also you don't have as much energy. You're tired. And so it can feel like this is all I have to give and I do not have the energy for any other relationship in my life. So I think there's a lot of reasons why it's hard. But I think the biggest thing is probably just we don't prioritize friendships the way that we probably should in our adult life. You know, when you're a kid, when you're in high school, like your friends are everything to you. But then something shifts when we start our own family and we, you know, we're very focused on building our home and building our family. And it can be easy to let friendships kind of go to the wayside.

4:12Yeah. But I think it's really comforting as a first time mom to hear like, okay, we're all having a hard time here. Yes. It's not just me. It's not because no one wants to be my friend. It's not because my old friends don't like my child. Like, it's just really hard. And I think sometimes we just kind of need to hear that we're not alone. Yes. Yeah. That's my favorite thing to say is like, it's hard. It's hard for me too. I'm in it with you. You're not alone because you're so right. That's one of the best things to hear is just you're not alone and it's hard for everyone because it can feel very lonely and isolating.

4:47Especially you get on social media and you see everyone and their wonderful friend groups and how all the ways that their friends have showed up for them. And you're like, cool, that's not happening for me. So it's hard. No, that's such a good point. And I know that I really struggled with making mom friends just because I was the first of my friends to get pregnant and become a mom. So the perspective shifts that you just talked about, Jenna, was so, I guess, eye opening and like I didn't know that that was going to happen. but then I also it just changes your whole perspective on like the friendships that you do have so then I was so hungry to make like mom friends specifically what was your journey or experience in making mom friends so I had a few friends that were in motherhood at the same time as me but truthfully that first year of motherhood for me was a very lonely season we started having kids young so I was the only one my age having kids and so that felt really isolating.

5:49I had to walk through like everyone else in their early 20s is living a pretty selfish life. I don't say selfish in a bad way. Your life, you experience a new layer of selflessness in your life, really, especially with babies. Your life is not your own for a little while there. So truthfully, I really didn't have very many, if any, outside of family, people that I could really get real with and say, I'm not okay. I would say just going off of my first year, I didn't have a lot of solid friendships. I had church friends that, you know, brought over meals and stuff and tried, but truthfully, I was going through a lot and I did the thing that I would caution you not to do.

6:32And I kind of pushed everyone and kept everyone at an arm's length because I experienced a traumatic delivery and then I had postpartum depression and anxiety, but it was undiagnosed. So I didn't really know what I was experiencing. So I felt a lot of shame for not loving motherhood the way that I thought I would. I do now, but I ended up pushing a lot of people away. So nobody really knew what was going on with me. So that's just my honest answer is I didn't, I did a lot of things wrong that if I could go back, I would tell myself like, you need these people. They need to know what's going on in your life.

7:06Even if things aren't okay, you don't have to be okay for your people. Yeah. Dang. Well, first of all, Jenna, thank you so much for sharing, being transparent and vulnerable with your first postpartum experience. I know so many women can relate to that. And again, it's just really nice to hear that we're not alone. Did you know an environmental working group study found 16 different chemicals, phthalates, parabens, and more in the blood and urine of teen girls aged 14 to 19? These are common ingredients that are found in makeup and skincare. and science reveals that these endocrine disruptors can mimic hormones leading to developmental effects, irregular cycles, early puberty, and even fertility issues later on.

7:48And although I don't have a teen girl right now, whatever makeup and skincare I put on my skin in the morning is getting rubbed off on my kids throughout the day. First, when I get them out of bed and greet them with kisses, then when one of them stubs their toe, when I pick them up to comfort them, then when they want to cuddle up and sit in my lap to read a book, or when I kiss their boo-boos throughout the day. What I wear ends up on them. There's no way around it. And that's why I've made the swap and why I think it's worth it for every mom to start making the swap to non-toxic clean skincare and makeup.

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8:54I linked both in the show notes below for you. If you click on that link in the show notes and then use the code advocate 10 at checkout, you'll get 10 % off your order. And I think that just very seamlessly transitions into this next question that I have for you, which is just what are some practical tips for making mom friends? So clearly you have learned a thing or two since that first postpartum. You have great mom friends now. So what are some practical tips for making mom friends? or like what do you wish you would have done in that first postpartum? Yeah, so I would say first and foremost, I think that sometimes when we step into motherhood, we're like, I need mom friends and mom activities and mom everything.

9:38But I would just encourage you, like you, Layla, how you said that you were the first in your friend group to start having kids. Don't abandon your friendships that you have, even if they don't have kids yet. Because there's going to be some things that maybe they don't understand. But if they're your people, they're your people. And it's okay. Like they actually have a lot more capacity to take care of you and to be there for you. They can show up at a moment's notice. They can drop a coffee off on their way to work. They can be there for you in a way that another mom with a kid the same age as you can't be there for you.

10:08So I would just encourage you, first of all, to kind of broaden your expectations for your friends. And I've had to do this in my own life. I've had to really just surrender. Like my prayer for a long time was like, God, bring me mom friends. Bring me mom friends. and then it kind of shifted to like just bring me good friends like I don't care what season of life they are I don't care what their age is I don't care if they're way older than me or way younger than me bring me good friends bring me people that can be there for me I would just say if you have solid friends don't abandon them in your motherhood and I think that they would say to you We want to be here for you.

10:48I know we can't understand everything, but we want to walk this with you. And that's true for so many seasons of life. There's so many things where we can link arms with our friends and say, I'm with you. I'm here for you. Tell me what you need. Tell me how I can love you. Tell me how I can be a good friend. I'm not going anywhere. Then I would also say, get really comfortable just asking and telling people what you need. because more often than not, people want to help. They just don't know how. And so that's one thing that I wish that I would have done is just said, hey, I'm very lonely right now.

11:28Can you please come over? Or do you want to go get a coffee and go to the park? Like I could really use getting out of the house, even with people that I just know from church. Like it doesn't have to be your best friend. I think that we get in our heads about reaching out to people where we feel like, oh, like, I don't want them to see my mess. And it's like, everyone has a mess. We all have a mess. And so I would just say, get really comfortable. The people that you have in your life, get comfortable asking for specific things for help because that strengthens friendship. And then be brave. Like if you want to start a small group or start a mom's group, like invite people over and get brave because chances are you are not the only lonely one.

12:09You are not the only mom looking for friends. We are all like, especially now, there's like an epidemic of loneliness. Everybody's lonely and nobody knows how to overcome that. And you overcome that by like being okay with going first. Go first, be brave, invite the people over that you are acquaintances with because that's how acquaintances turn into friendships. So. Those are so good. I loved those. No, those were so great. I loved the being brave one too. I think We can just get like really in our head. And it's like, oh, I don't even want to like say hi or introduce myself, you know. But I think that we all have so many like friend crushes.

12:49We're just like, oh, I just like really want to be her friend. But yeah, I'm like, just ask. Yes. She probably will want to be like if you have that. You don't typically feel that way about being people or people who like wouldn't be into that. You know, if you're having that inkling, she's probably going to be down. Right. And the worst they say is no. And you carry on with your life. Like you can you can do hard things. Yeah. We can be brave. Those are so, so good. OK, now on being brave, as we just said, we can get really into our head about it. So what would you tell someone who is really nervous or anxious to make the first move when it comes to making mom friends?

13:29Yeah, so I am this person. I am naturally introverted with new people. I just overanalyze, overthink. So I am totally this person. I just have had to like not let that limit me. And I've just had to go, Jenna, you can do hard things. And this is a hard thing for you. And I'm acknowledging that, but I'm not letting that keep you where you are and keep you comfortable. Talking about friendship crushes, this is a really great example of how I met my very best friend. It was a couple of years ago and they had just moved to our town and trying to figure out what church they wanted to get planted in.

14:02And I had kind of heard about them and we had like some mutual friends. and they walked in and I was like oh my gosh they look so cool I like I want them to stay at our church and I want I know exactly what you're talking about yes and I want to be their friends like they're I'm like you guys are just cool and so I just like walked over I was like hi I'm Jenna and thankfully she is so much better at making friends than I am and she like just felt the same and we're like you are my people now so I think when you get that nudge that feeling of like I just really want to be friends with them I don't know what it is about them the best thing that you can do is just follow it and go and introduce yourself and just start making conversation it was a really beautiful example of what putting yourself out there and doing something that is uncomfortable can bring you yeah I would just say again be brave and don't be afraid to start the conversation there are going to be times when you're just like we don't mesh like we don't vibe and that's okay I've experienced that too it's okay um just keep trying yeah and I'm so glad that you just brought that up Jenna because I think so often with female friendships we think that we have to be best friends after the first encounter because I think we all have at least one example of that like that's my person and we just clicked off from the very first time that we said hello and then there's other friendships that takes time but it's like someone that you might really like and it just still takes a lot of effort yeah you know like it's gonna take multiple coffee dates or multiple stroller walks yeah yeah I think when we're little you know you're here all the time you're reminded constantly like in order to have a good friend you need to be a good friend and then when you're going through the whirlwind of the first year of the baby it's easy to forget sorry that yeah it's really yeah if you want a good friend, you have to be a good friend first.

15:57And that starts with taking interest in their lives. So most people hear me talk about truly free laundry detergent and yes, it's amazing. And the only laundry detergent we use, but what a lot of people don't realize is they make everything when it comes to cleaning products. And we have slowly swapped all of our cleaning products over to their stuff. You literally won't catch me buying from any other cleaning brand because this stuff works. And I don't have to worry about the chemicals I'm spraying around my home, what we're breathing in, what my baby's crawling all over when I use them on our floors.

16:28They have everything from laundry detergent, obviously, to dishwasher detergent, multi-surface cleaner, bathroom cleaner, glass cleaner, hand soap, floor cleaner, stain remover, even toilet bowl cleaner. And yes, we have every single product I just named off. It's all non-toxic, phthalate-free, synthetic fragrance-free, no hormone-disrupting chemicals or chemicals that cause cancer, which is incredibly rare, unfortunately, because most brands either try to be clean and still sneak in ingredients that you wouldn't want in your home or they're clean, but don't actually get the grime off your counters or the smell out of your laundry.

17:05I've slowly swapped out all of our products with Truly Free over the past year. And now there's nothing in my cleaning cabinet that isn't from them. If I have to spend my own hard earned money on cleaning supplies. I'm spending it at truly free. And you can get 30 % off by being a listener of the podcast by going to the link in the episodes show notes below using that link and then the code learning to mom. I cannot wait for you to try them. And I would also say like in the first year of motherhood, have grace for yourself. Like your friendships might go to the side a little bit or be on the back burner a little bit.

17:41And that's okay. Like this first year is hard and there's a lot of transition happening in your life and there's just so much that you're getting used to and so you'll just just to encourage you like you'll find your footing again you will feel like you have more capacity for your friendships again like it's not gonna always feel this way motherhood isn't always as all-consuming as it is that first year but it's very all-consuming that first year so I would just say these are like we're talking about friendship and it's important to have your friendships but in the same breath, have grace for yourself.

18:15The good friends will still be there and will still be there for you when you're ready. But if you need to just find friends that you can be the bare minimum, like to add to that, like the friends that you don't have to talk to every day. I think those are kind of the friendships that then you start really seeking out. And that's where a lot of beauty comes in with mom friends specifically, because we're all just trying to fit it in. Yeah. So much understanding. You don't really have the time anymore for friendships that are all-consuming or the people that like need you 100 % of the time because they can't like function without updating you like you know yeah so and it might be like a conversation too with your friends that don't have kids like just an honest conversation of saying hey I don't know what this next season has for me like I don't know how I'm gonna handle it I don't love you any less so please if I go days without texting you you didn't do anything wrong I don't want to push you away, but I don't know what this season brings.

19:13So those honest conversations before you have the baby with your friends really open up such beautiful dialogue between the two of you to be able to still carry this friendship into a new season where you have new things pulling at you and you're not able to be as present daily in that friendship as maybe you were before. Yeah. Dang, so well said. I really liked that. Speaking of those like qualities, to look for? We were just talking about, you know, the friends that are able to just come over and sit on your couch or keep you company. So what are some qualities we need to look for when choosing our mom friends wisely?

19:51Oh, gosh. You know, in one breath, it's kind of hard to know until you like get into a friendship with somebody if they're really somebody that you want to be a friend with. Of course, you know, morals are important. You want to be on the same path with that. But also, you don't have to agree on every single thing. But having a similar way that you view the world and view motherhood is important. It's hard if you're somebody who loves motherhood and this is like something that you have dreamed about to be friends with somebody who is complaining about it all the time. So maybe that's somebody that you hang out with in a group because it's hard to be friends with people like that.

20:26But I would just say you want good friends, you got to be a good friend. But I also try to be open because God can bring you people when you least expect it And it can also be the people that you least expected. So I try to just be open. That was so good. That was really good. Yeah, we need to put that on some T-shirts, Jenna. That was really good. No, I think looking for qualities is like so important as a mom when you have such limited social time. Like I want to serve people regardless if you're my friend or not. But if you're like in my circle, I don't have the luxury anymore of keeping people that are constantly like draining my cup and never filling my cup.

21:11Or people who even if you say that you're going to be there, you're going to be there because I have to figure out child care. And I have to like all this other stuff where it's am I a priority to you or am I not? And I no longer have the mental even capacity to like, oh, can we have this conversation because someone's feelings are hurt? Like, yeah, I don't know. You're so gracious. And that's why I'm really loving this conversation, because it's reminding me to be such a more empathetic, graceful human. I agree with you. I definitely am the same way with people that I bring into my circle. We can't be easily offended.

21:46We can't be easily hurt. I want people that are going to assume the best about me the way that I'm going to assume the best about them. And we don't take things personally. We don't like my parents would tell me, like, be like a duck, let it slide off your back. and I still just be like a duck, let it slide off your back. So I need people that are also just let it slide. You know, I mean, obviously if there's like continual hurt, that's really like, that's a whole nother conversation. But just little things that don't really matter. I feel like this conversation just easily like float from one question to the next.

22:18So when is it time and how can we gracefully stop prioritizing old friends who may not be supporting you well through your new transition into motherhood? And we've talked a lot about this, but how do you actually have those hard conversations and do it well? This is something that I've not done well, truthfully. Love the honesty. And I'm not going to sit here and act like I have it all together because I don't, especially when it comes to friendships. I've, you know, I've done a lot of things right, but I've done a lot of things wrong, too. And so there have definitely been friendships that I have let go too soon or kind of just let them fizzle too soon and really should have tried more.

22:57So there's times like that when I'm like, gosh, don't be so quick to just like, you're not serving me, I'm cutting you off. Because that's a very selfish way to approach friendship because friendship is a two-way street and there also could be something going on in their life that's unseen that you don't know. And so I would just give caution to really be careful in that. But if you know that there's a friendship that is really just you have to end, I would say, first of all, like, does it need to end or do you need to maybe just put it in a different box? So maybe somebody went from your inner circle box and now they're just moving into your I wish you well.

23:37We see each other here and there. maybe you get invited to like group stuff still come maybe you're still coming to my kid's birthday party or my birthday but you're not really like inner circle type of thing that's the first step is i would say is there maybe just some repositioning that needs to happen because that that totally happens and it doesn't i think sometimes we can be too quick to cut people off especially our culture is very like boundaries which boundaries are good but very like if people aren't serving you cut them off and it's like okay let's pause maybe just a friend needs to be put in a different box if there has to be a conversation then be brave and be kind that's so good i just really love how you you've taken all of these questions and just been like so understanding and so empathetic i just really needed this because i as i mentioned i'm like i'm i'm a black and white kind of person.

24:31I really am. And so I know like I know where my struggles lie. And I know a lot of that is because I'm either like you're in or you're out. So I have a hard time with like, oh, let's have the conversation about it because I'm kind of like I'm treading water. I don't have time to like. Yeah. And I would say if you're in that, if you're feeling like you're feeling like what's going on, I'm treading water. I don't know what's going on here. I would say that the conversation, the best way to approach these kinds of conversations is with a heart to heal. Going into it going, I want to heal this divide, but if it doesn't happen, like, then that's okay and I've done everything I can.

25:09And I think when your heart is to heal and when your heart is hopeful that we can figure this out, because maybe it is just something you need to talk through. Maybe there's something that you did that was offensive that you had no idea and they were carrying this hurt and that's why it was pulling them away. So good. So, so, so good, Jenna. I've also just been laughing at like our contrast, which has been so beautiful. And it's been so good for me today. This was such a great episode, Jenna. Where can people find you? You can find me hanging out on Instagram at Jenna Marie Griffith. I love it.

25:40Thank you so much once again for coming on. I needed it. Thank you so much for having me. It was such a joy to get to chat with you about friendships today. If you find yourself tuning into the Learning to Mom podcast each week, go ahead and click the follow button on your podcast player app, whether that be Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or another app. By hitting that follow button, you'll never have to remember to type Learning to Mom into the search bar again. Your app will just automatically notify you when a new episode is released. You have so much more important things to focus on. Allow that follow button to free up some of your mental capacity.

26:18You can find the follow button on the page where you go to see all of the learning to mom podcast episodes, like the page that shows them all in chronological order. And you can just scroll through all of them. If you're on Apple podcasts, the button is a little plus follow button that's above the learning to mom cover photo. And if you're on Spotify, then it's a follow button that's below the learning to mom cover photo. I'm already looking forward to next week's episode so I can continue to serve you in your motherhood. Catch you right here next week, mom friend. Thank you.