How to Overcome Overwhelm and Avoid Burnout In Motherhood with The Calm Mom | Ep. 104

0:00Our body does not speak a verbal language. Maybe you had to give a big speech or it's public speaking, or maybe, I don't know, whatever it is, something going on and you feel it in your body, right? There's a physiological response. Your heart is racing, your breathing changes, and you tell yourself, or maybe even worse, someone else tells you, just calm down. If you're prepared, you've got this, you're safe, nothing bad's gonna happen. You're like, just calm down. But our body doesn't speak a verbal language. It doesn't understand that. We have to show our body that we are safe in a way that our body understands.

0:34Hi, mom friend. I'm Layla, the host of the Learning to Mom podcast. Thanks so much for being here. We're going to be great, mom friends. I know it. This is the podcast where you get your first time mom questions answered by experts. Here on the Learning to Mom podcast, we discuss the challenges of motherhood, but we don't just stop there complaining about it. Here, you'll be encouraged and supported to overcome the hard with the right tools while finding that motherhood is full of joy, fun, and peace. So buckle up while we learn what those are from these experts. I'm so dang glad to have you here.

1:15Let's learn together. Each expert guest comes with their own perspective and background. So please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only.

1:27Michelle Grosser:Michelle, welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast. I am so grateful that you're here. Thank you so much for coming on. I'm freaking stoked for our conversation today. Oh my goodness. I am so grateful to be here. I'm believing it's going to be awesome. So looking forward to it. Thanks for having me. Of course. Well, before we dive in, let's just, I would love for the listeners to get to know you and understand kind of your heart behind the calm mom and I guess where you're coming from. Sure. So Michelle Grobster, I live in Miami with my husband, Jeff and my two girls. And for the better part of the last 15 years, I've actually been a trial attorney here in Miami.

2:09And then I had this, this night at the beginning of the pandemic where I feel like God just woke me up at three in the morning. It was like, you got to help some moms out. And I was like, well, I like, I'm a trial attorney. I don't know, I have no background in therapy or counseling or any of that stuff. But I was just seeing and hearing over and over again that my friends and my family members and all the women in my circle were struggling with a lot of the same things. And I just felt such a strong call to help and to be part of the solution. And long story short, I started to grow and learn.

2:42I found that the nervous system was really the underlying factor in so much of what both myself and all the women I I was encountering, we're experiencing, and I just became hyper fixated on the nervous system and learned everything I could and started this Calm Mom podcast. And now I coach women who are raising children, how to harness the power of their nervous system and regulating their nervous system and teaching them how that really transcends every single aspect of our life, our marriage, our parenting, our workspaces. And that's the work that I'm doing these days.

3:16Michelle Grosser:I'm so glad that you're here to share this because I think the first year of becoming a mom, the burnout is real. Like you just went through a major life transition and there's just so much, you know, you have a baby that's 100 % dependent on you, all the things. So I guess I want to just start out with kind of a softball question almost, but why is overwhelming burnout just so common during your baby's first year of life? Yeah, I think there's a lot of reasons and I think it can be different depending on our circumstances. But I think some overarching themes, one, and I think it's a beautiful thing, is that we care so much, right?

3:58We just care so much. I don't know if there's anything else we have had that depth of like caring and wanting to do this right and give our kids that best first year and like really show up. For a lot of us, we've been like ideating what that first year of parenthood is going to look like since we were kids, right? Like we played house and we've like, we've been training almost in a certain sense for what this is going to look like. And then bam, reality hits and we care so much. So I think that magnifies everything else. Right. So I think that's a starting point and it's a beautiful thing, but we just care so much.

4:31And there's so much on top of that. I think obvious things like a lack of sleep and the hormone rollercoaster that our bodies just went through. And the fact that, you know, for a lot of us, our body is not our own anymore, whether you're nursing or pumping or just caring for another human being 24 seven. And then there's so much more, I think that's just societal and that culture places on us as new moms, the expectations. I remember nursing my baby at three in the morning and just overcome by tears all of a sudden. And I was just bawling. And I had this revelation that was like, I'm never alone anymore.

5:06And I've never felt more lonely. And there was just something about that. So there's so much coming at us. And I think this expectation to show up and be super mom and be strong and like, do all the things is a lot. And I don't think there's proper support. I mean, I told my husband after we had our first time, like, man, we were so prepared with all this stuff. And we were so unprepared to actually welcome another family member and what that would actually look like. So all of those things can contribute to overwhelm and burnout and probably a hundred more things, right? That we can't even talk about in one episode.

5:42But I think it's just an opportunity for us to really extend ourselves so much compassion and so much grace, because it's just really freaking hard. It really is. And it does get better and it changes. But that first year, man, those first few months, especially, it's just really hard for everyone. And anyone who makes it look easy, you're just not seeing the whole picture, right?

6:03Michelle Grosser:I feel like that was so healing for me. Like I was literally getting teary eyed. So I just imagine that everyone listening in the trenches of motherhood right now, it's just really, it's just so nice to have this conversation and realize I'm not the only one that feels so alone at 3am, even though I never have a moment of alone time. And like, just understanding that you're not alone, I think is just like so beautiful. So I'm so glad that you're here to share this. Um, so moving on. Quick story for you. Back in 1938, Congress passed a law to govern the safety of beauty and personal care products.

6:41And that law banned 11 ingredients found in cosmetics. We've learned so much since 1938 now about the ingredients that harm our hormones, our fertility and long-term health. and yet nothing else has been banned. Even as new lab-made chemicals keep hitting the market. When I first learned this, I started checking my products and the more I read ingredient labels, the harder it was to keep using the stuff that I once thought was fine simply because they were on the shelf at Target or at Ulta. Found endocrine disruptors, carcinogens, chemicals linked to infertility. These were in the everyday things I was putting on my skin that were getting on my baby's skin when they nursed, when I gave them kisses, when they cuddled up to me to read a book.

7:33One study found that over 90 % of people in the U.S. have parabens in their body. Meanwhile, the European Union has banned more than 1 ,600 harmful chemicals. But the U.S., we're still at 11. it. So at first I made all these small swaps, but I kept a few of my old toxic favorites like just in case. And then one day I had enough. I threw it all away, the foundation, the lipsticks, the creams, because I don't want toxic chemicals on my skin or on my baby's cheek when I nurse or during snuggles when their little face rests on mine. That's why I've made the full switch to Crunchy. Their products are made with safe, clean ingredients, certified organic, vegan, and cruelty-free, third-party tested for heavy metals, and they actually work.

8:22I've literally worn it as my bridesmaid wedding makeup. And we all know how absolutely hot we're trying to look when we're in a wedding. That's how well Crunchy performs. No other brand checks all those boxes. It's truly clean beauty without any compromises. Everything I love and personally use is linked at learningtomompodcast.com slash makeup. And yes, that link is in the episode show notes for you

8:52Michelle Grosser:so that you can check it out. I know that you focus so much about the nervous system, which is something that people don't give enough credit to where, what's the expression, where credit is due or whatever. Cause it's a lot of, Oh, you're feeling burnt out. Let's go take a bubble bath, you know? So let's really get into the nitty gritty here. And can you explain how the nervous system responds to stress and overwhelm and why it's important for moms to understand this aspect of their psychology? Our nervous system is our body's command center. So literally every piece of messaging going through our body, the ways in which we think, express ourselves, act, our fears, our subconscious thoughts, everything is stemming from our nervous system.

9:41It's that whole intricate set of wiring, sending messages through our whole body. And the thing about our nervous system is that its first and primary function always is safety and security, survival, right? Ultimately, that's its purpose. So our nervous system is always looking out and doing everything it can to keep us, and then when we become mothers, to keep our babies safe. So you can imagine how everything is just heightened when you bring home this tiny little baby right into your house. And the thing about our nervous system and the way in which it was designed is that when our nervous system perceives some sort of threat or some sort of stressor, it activates a stress response.

10:24We often talk about being in fight or flight. That's that stress response, right? It's a sympathetic circuit of our nervous system that becomes activated and And it changes everything in our physiology to prepare our body to fight or to run. Right. So when we talk about what that looks like thousands of years ago when we perceived a threat. So let's say there was some, I don't know, animal chasing us or something. Our body would spur into fight or flight and then we would actually do that thing. We would run or we would fight and we would metabolize all of those chemicals that are being released in order for us to be able to respond for survival.

11:00Eventually, we would evade the threat. we'd probably talk it over with our family have a hot meal get some rest and then the next day we would have returned down to baseline stress level and we would live there until some sort of you know stressor came along again in a few weeks or however it was now in the 21st century um we do not have weeks between stressors we probably do not even have minutes between stressors pace with which we live life, the expectations, the constant stimulation, like we are 24 seven under some sort of stress. And what happens is that we call it an allostatic load, but there's a weight to that stress on our body, right?

11:43There's one thing to experience a stressor, your baby falls or is crying or something, that's a stressor. The stressor eventually dissipates, resolves itself, but there is a stress on the body from that experience. There's a release of stress chemicals, hormones, right? Cortisol and adrenaline. There's things that happen in our body to prepare us to respond. So our body will literally divert blood from our gut and send it to our extremities so we can run or fight any non-essential system in our body. If we're in this fight or flight response literally gets paused because it's not necessary for survival.

12:18So we experience digestive issues, IBS, gut issues, all these different things, our immune system will be suppressed. And we'll find like, man, I'm catching everything my kids are bringing home. I'm so tired. And we don't realize it's because we're stuck in this fight or flight response. So as we're created, we experience a stressor, it dissipates, we discharge all of that stress, we return to baseline. So many of us are just stuck in chronic, constant stress, we never return to baseline, We're chronically stuck in fight or flight. Those chemicals are constantly being released in our brain. We talk about adrenal fatigue and all of these different things.

12:53It's all rooted and not understanding how to bring our bodies back to baseline stress level. And that's ultimately the work that I teach. Well, then that is just a great little leeway here.

13:06Michelle Grosser:How do we get back to baseline? I'm like sitting on the edge of my seat. I'm ready to throw away my phone because of the overstimulation. I'm like ready to dive in Michelle. Yes well that would be a good start. The beautiful thing about it is that God has given us everything that we need to regulate our nervous system so we do not need anything outside of ourselves. We don't need to go buy some product or some supplement or some equipment or anything like that like we literally have everything we need. I think there's two fundamental things to understand about how we do that and then if you want like practical stuff like handles.

13:44I can talk about that too. I want everything. I want it all. Okay. The two things to understand one, our body does not speak a verbal language. So what do I mean by that? Have you ever felt really anxious or really irritated or really whatever it was? Maybe you had to give a big speech or it's public speaking, or maybe, I don't know, whatever it is, something going on and you feel it in your body, right? There's a physiological response. Your heart is racing. Your breathing changes. Maybe you feel temperature change. Your hands are clenched or whatever it is and you tell yourself or maybe even worse someone else tells you just calm down if you're prepared you've got this you're safe nothing bad's gonna happen you're like just calm down but our body doesn't speak a verbal language it doesn't understand that we have to show our body that we are safe in a way that our body understands so how does our body communicate and receive messages of safety through movement, through breath, through sound, through gentle and appropriate touch.

14:46So we have to have mechanisms like tools in our toolbox so that when we're feeling irritated or anxious or angry, or on the other end, when we're feeling burnt out or dissociated or numb or disconnected, ways in which our body understands to communicate safety so we can come out of that stress response and our body can shift back to presence and calm and safety and ultimately our baseline stress level. So those are the ways that we communicate it. And the other side of that coin is that when we talk about our nervous system being our body's command center, there are messages that are being sent in our body from our brain down to our body, but there are also messages being sent from our body up to our brain.

15:32And there's actually an imbalance there, I guess only 20 % of our nerves run from the top down to our body. So when we solely focus on mindset work, like you hear that all the time, like mindset, mindset, it's yes, it's important, but it's only 20 % of the messaging in our body. Like I can have the mind best mindset in the world, but if my body does not feel safe in this moment with a screaming baby or a husband who's not helping with the laundry or whatever it is, I'm going to lose that tug of war every time. 80 % of the messaging is coming from my body up to my brain. So I really have to get good at and practice sending safety to my body, which will then send safety to my brain.

16:15And then everything can be online. And then I show up from such a different place. Bang. Okay. Did you know that girls in America are going through puberty earlier than ever. In 1860, the average age for a girl to start her period was 16. Now it's common for puberty to start anywhere from 8 to 12 years old, which I know you may be hearing that and saying, yeah, that was my reality. The thing that I didn't know until I started researching things related to this phenomenon is that the research is clear on one of the biggest reasons for this. This is not me wearing some tinfoil hat. It's hormone disrupting chemicals.

16:59Phthalates are a huge one. So if you see on any ingredient label in your home, DEP, DBP, DEHP, or fragrance, get it out. They're nearly in every standard personal care and cleaning product. And I do wanna just say, it's not just phthalates. We're talking about parabens, pesticides, artificial fragrances, processed foods, Even the plastic containers we store our food in. But basically all of this matters. One, because it's getting into our bodies. But two, it's also getting into our children's bodies. Their bloodstreams, their hormones, their developing brains. And this is why I care. This is why I will not stop talking about it.

17:40Because I believe childhood should be protected. I don't want puberty to start any earlier than it has to. And we are the first generation of moms who have had access to this level of information. so we actually can make better decisions. And we shouldn't let this override us and just make us live in fear, but actually empower us and give us information to make the better decisions. And we don't do it perfectly, and it may feel overwhelming at times, but what a gift to even have the chance to choose better. This is why I use Truly Free in my house. It's free not just from phthalates, but also other extremely harmful chemicals like sulfates and parabens.

18:22They emphasize using plant-based ingredients in their cleaning and laundry products to be safe for families and pets. And you can get 30 % off by being a listener of the podcast by going to the link in the episode show notes below using that link and the code learning to mom. My absolute favorite is their laundry detergent, their dishwasher soap, and their everyday spray, which is like a multi-use everyday spray. I cannot wait for you to try them again. that's in the episode show notes for you. I'm, this is not, this is a little bit off track.

18:57Michelle Grosser:How did we get to the point where we used to, you know, like a wildebeest is attacking us and that would stress us. And now I get an email and I start having anxiety. How, like, how did our nervous system get there? I think we've just come so far from how we were created to live. I mean, we were not created to live with another appendage that's like bigging and beeping and like notifying us 24 seven. We were not created to live sitting in my little room here with my eyes fixed on a screen for eight hours a day. We were not created to fill our bodies with preservatives and all these different things that are not even digestible, right?

19:43We were not created to live with chronic work stress and financial stress and health stress and relational stress and all of these things. Like we just weren't created to live like any of that. And the problem now for us is that our nervous system has not evolved the ways in which the world has evolved, like our external life, right, has evolved so much and our nervous system hasn't. So our nervous system does not do a good job of differentiating between a real threat and a perceived threat. so we're stuck with all of these perceived threats that are not threats to our physical safety like Michelle it's an email chill out but my body does not know that and it will have the same physiological response as if it were a wildebeest so I think so often our focus is on like becoming like I have so many women come to me like I want to become like a calm mom I want to become and I'm like uh girl you need to unbecome like you need to unbecome you need to strip away so much you need to get back to who you actually are and how you were wired to show up.

20:44But that's the powerful move is unbecoming so much of that stuff because how we're meant to live and show up and parent and be a wife and run a household and all of these different things. We just have to relearn all of that in a way that

20:58Michelle Grosser:supports our health. So what advice would you give? Like, I mean, the typical mom in their first year of postpartum, like you have the baby crying, you have dinner on the stove. You maybe have a call. Your boss is calling you all at the same time. And you were just like at overload, um, maybe a breaking point. Like what would you tell that woman? Yeah. Where does she need to start? Yeah. I think the first thing is to, to start becoming very aware of your own self-talk. What does that voice sound like inside of your head? What kind of expectations are you placing on yourself? What, like, how critical are you of what you're not doing or should be doing or all of these different things?

21:41Once you start to become aware of what that voice sounds like, right, these expectations you have on yourself, I would become, instead of being critical of ourselves, very critical of all of the shoulds, right? I think we have so many shoulds. I should be able, I should be answering this call at 6 p.m. I should be making dinner. I should be able to do this all by myself I should still all of these shoulds that we're so unaware of and when we take a look at them and really examine like says who that's like one of my favorite questions now when I feel that like says who says who says I should be able to do all this by myself who says I should like that's really ultimately how I'm like shifting out of the practice of law and what I'm doing now like says who like who says that just because I spent an exorbitant amount of money on law school that I have to be a lawyer for the next 50 years and drive myself to further burnout and all of these different things, right?

22:31But we all have these shoulds and we don't even see it because we're just so stuck operating in all the shoulds and that pressure is so freaking heavy. It's exhausting. So I think that's a good place to start. And then another place to start is, is really taking a look at your boundaries. And I know that's like another buzzword that's kind of annoying, but a lot of that is also tied to the shoulds that we have to show up for everyone. And I think that if at no other time in your life, that first year of motherhood is a time where you can get over yourself and ask for help. To be a good mom does not mean that I am self-sacrificial 24-7 to the point of driving myself to burnout.

23:12It doesn't mean that I can do everything and be a good mom. It doesn't mean that my baby never cries and is always smiling. Like we just have these things that we think make us a good mom. And I think the more that we can unravel that and really look at it and then choose for us, like not the shoulds, but like, these are the values that are important to my family. These are the values that are important to me and my home. And then really resource ourselves around that, that North star. And that's kind of vague and maybe hopefully also helpful, but there's just so many different ways in which we have to just rethink.

23:43Yeah. So this conversation is so eyeopening for me because I obviously have experienced burnout,

23:50Michelle Grosser:But I think like most women, we don't really know that we're experiencing burnout until we hit like a mental breaking point, you know, until we have a major health crisis that was due to overstress and overwork. Right. So what are some common signs or symptoms that can be like warning signs, red flags that you might be experiencing burnout? Yeah, I think that's spot on. I think, you know, burnout doesn't happen overnight. It's the slippery slope of like cross boundaries and ignoring the warning signs in our body and all these different things over months or years. One, you're starting to lose interest in things.

24:30So you're like hobbies, hanging out with your friends. All of a sudden, you're just like, yeah, I would just rather stay home little things that you could handle. No problem. now feel really overwhelming, right? Like I would get invited to a kid's birthday party in a week. And I'm like, yeah, a year ago, like I just go out, buy a gift, show up at the party, no big deal. But all of a sudden I was like, I have five days to get a gift. Like this is good. Like I can't handle this. Yeah. It's like, whoa, there's a reason for that, right? Little things all of a sudden feel really overwhelming, really stressful to us because we just don't have the bandwidth anymore because we're in such a state of burnout.