How to Potty Train Your 2-3 Year Old Without the Power Struggles with Oh Crap Potty Training | Ep. 159

22:25So I thought of it as like a kid building blocks, right? When you're building a block tower and it gets unstable, what happens? There's always some left on the ground level, right? You go back to the place where it was most stable. And that way it's a good quantifiable way of like, now I can move on or now I should go back to the last place it was stable. That needs a little more work between block one and two, between block three and four. So that's how the stages of my, I don't even call it a method philosophy. This is old school. I'm not, this is, I did not rewrite the wheel. I just like put it into language and a new understanding of new school parenting.

23:03So the child has to be bare bummed at first because if they're not bare bummed, they will wet their pants. And by the time it soaks through and you see the wetness, the learning opportunity is lost because they've emptied their bladder. So the child absolutely has to be bottomless. And I will have parents. I had one woman write to me that she was not going to let her kid run around like a savage. And I was like, OK, I can't help you. I think most kids like to be naked. Some kids don't, in which case you can wear a T-shirt or baby leg warmers or whatever. And then so that's that. And literally pee and poop on the potty with prompting or without.

23:42That's it. And so this is where a lot of people get confused, too, is that the child should go right to underpants. They should go right to self-initiation, asking or telling you. I don't find that that's true. So then the second block is commando. So after, you know, they can do that. That typically takes a day to three days, depending on the child's age, the child's temperament, what's going on. And then it's commando. So you put on pants and you don't want to just be naked potty-tuned because that's pretty easy. It's the pants that throw in a problem. So then your commando, no underpants, because underpants, if you think about underpants, they're like a thin diaper, right?

24:19They're fabric that is, there's a cinch around the upper thigh and a cinch around the waist. This child has spent however long, 18 months, two years, three years, just peeing when that thing is on. So there's a muscle memory there that sort of needs to be cleared. So that's why we utilize commando. It's also easier for the child to get their pants up and down. and same thing pee and poop in the potty with prompting or without block three is you're going to take some outings get out into public restrooms as soon as possible to avoid any toddler weirdness kids get weird about i call it going sideways like yesterday the vacuum they were riding on the vacuum today it's making them scream out of fright like they just go sideways about the weirdest things so you don't want to get them used to only going in your house only going with mom only going on this potty.

25:05So as soon as you can get out in the early days, I talk about this couple that I worked with. The dad approached potty training like a Navy SEAL. It was hilarious. And he took his daughter out all weekend. They just went out on adventures and they peed in all kinds of public restrooms so that she could, she was really acclimated to it. Number four is now that that's, that's going to be intense. Those three blocks are going to be your like intense seven days at home yeah and then um block four is is underpants so there's a big jump in that so kids can stay commando for however long you need them to obviously if they go back to daycare they're probably not going to be cool with that but if you're at home they can just stay commando that you know at this age they're going through clothes anyway they're getting dirty they're not going to work it's like i wear my jeans like five times before i wash them but you don't do that with summer clothes.

25:56And there's a lot in the book. Like these, I'm rushing through them, but you know, like you don't want seams. You don't want thick seams rubbing against their genitals. You want to switch. You can't have overalls. You're done with onesies and one piece pajamas, that kind of thing. And then block five is self-initiation. So that's when you can realistically expect your child to have the sensation, be able to hold it and inform you that they have to go or go on their own. this is typically three to eight weeks after you start and it can start on the first day right but they're not reliable so what often happens is on like day one day two day three of potty training the child's like oh i have to pee they do that like once and now you think i'm all set i'm all done but it's not reliable so you still have to stay on it and you want to watch for their signs oh you're walking on your tiptoes it looks like you have to pee um i do not recommend any sort of party any sort of prizes any sort of um i i think these kids are so these kids after 2020 feel very very skittish around big transitions and so you want to normalize this process as soon as humanly possible so you don't want anything out of the ordinary moms i need you to sit down i'm gonna hold your hand when i say this but we tend to be a little too excitable.

27:14Our pitch and our voice tends to go way too high and we tend to use too many words. And that's just standard. And so I often say, let's, let's look at how dads would handle it like a fist bump, a low, a low pitch, like, excellent. Good job. That's it. That's it. And say, oh, I got to call my mom. He did it. Don't FaceTime grandma. Don't like just, you got to put on your poker face and just be like, oh, your belly. Reflect back to them is always best. Well, you must be really proud of yourself or like, oh, your belly must feel really good. You know, just something easy and move on. Just normalize it as soon as humanly possible.

27:50I have had moms get so excited. They freak the kid out and then the kid's done. They're all they just don't want to do it. Yeah.

27:56Jamie Glowacki:Yeah. And that's really it. Then then, you know, block six is night and nap training. And that's another ball of wax. I separate them out because I know parents are busy and I really need you well slept. And so I always say if you potty train in the appropriate age range that you can what though between 20 and 30 months is my marker yeah and that's not guys that's not a hard cut off i'll get people email me crying because their kid turned 30 weeks like 30 months yesterday they're like i missed the cut off like it's not a hard cut off um i've even stressed it out a little till three um till 36 months because and we'll talk to why that's the good age range, but you want to attend to night training before 36 months.

28:41So I like to give people till 36 months because a lot of kids start staying dry on their own a lot. And so if you don't have to do any work, I don't want you to do any work. So I think that's fine. Unless you're dealing with a kid who's obviously withholding till they get a diaper, then that's a different ball of wax. But if you want to just take, take till 36 months to see if they start staying dry on their own, awesome. If they don't, you have to attend to it. Between 36 months and four, three and four, the bladder's being fully formed. If there's no sense of holding and consolidating for night training, then the incidences of bedwending go up by 50%.

29:19And that's from the Journal of Pediatric Urology. That's not a made up statistic. So you really want to watch out for that. But there's a whole night training chapter because we have, we had talked about the antidiuretic hormone. That's the hormone thing like doctors talk about and parents, parents will talk about the hormone thing without knowing what the hormone is or what the thing is. So, so there's, that's another ball of wax.

29:41Jamie Glowacki:Yeah. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of Mom Mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering this week. Hi, Layla. Okay, I've started and deleted this email like three times because it's kind of vulnerable, but I trust you and you always keep it real. So here goes. I'm almost a year postpartum with my second. And by the end of the day, I am just done being touched.

30:19Jamie Glowacki:Like I've had kids on me from the second I wake up. I am nursing. Someone's always hanging on my leg. You get it. So by the time my husband comes to bed and reaches over, I literally want to jump out of my skin. And I feel so terrible even typing that. He's starting to feel like I'm rejecting him. And I don't know how to explain that it's not about him at all. I just have nothing left in the tank. I feel guilty and touched out and honestly kind of disconnected from my own body. does this go away how do i talk to him about it without him taking it personally thank you for reading this all right friend you are first and foremost not alone not alone yeah um gosh i need to start reading these beforehand so that i actually have like good thoughts on my mind instead of always treating it like we're a friend meeting up for coffee and you like give me your scenario and I'm off the cuff just here we go because this is just so real and I also feel this personally um at least for me date nights make a huge difference where we are like I'm removed from motherhood and I'm not being touched 24-7 because I can relate to that so so much I think you're doing a great job trying to explain it to him and like speaking gently and you're not just throwing this under the rug but like you're trying to get it addressed there is an episode when is this coming out oh it doesn't come out until January shoot um with a sex and intimacy coach and that episode really is phenomenal so make sure you're still listening to this podcast when that comes around because she talks all about how to increase your desire and find time for intimacy as a mom with kids.

32:39Jamie Glowacki:The biggest advice or the biggest takeaway that she shared in that episode that struck a nerve with me, so I'm going to pass it along to you, is that our desire for intimacy with her husband, no matter how much we love them or how much we're physically attracted to them, tanks in the early years of motherhood because we are running like we are in survival mode. And when our bodies are running on survival mode, we're telling our bodies like, hey, I can't handle pregnancy because the world is ending because I'm being chased by a tiger. Like, And obviously that's not the truth of our reality, but our bodies can't tell the difference between us just being super overwhelmed and stressed and us actually being chased by a tiger, right?

33:35Jamie Glowacki:So if thousands of years ago we're being chased by a tiger or the world is ending, our body knows I cannot get pregnant right now because I don't have enough energy to handle a pregnancy and birth a baby and do postpartum and take care of myself. So I'm going to have my libido tank so that way I'm not caring for another human at this time. but then today in today's modern society we are basically telling ourselves with the way that we structure our day and run ourselves into the ground we're telling our bodies that the world is ending when it is in fact not not and because of that we are not having desire or finding the time to be intimate with our husband because our body is like i excuse me i can't handle pregnancy So I do not want him at all.

34:33So she has a few tips and it's really just like kind of, I wouldn't say basic and hearing

34:41Jamie Glowacki:them from an actual expert was very convicting and really great. Because if you remember, I batch record all 52 episodes for the year and I did all of this before my maternity leave so that I could have a maternity leave. So I've been sitting on this episode for a while, but it just doesn't come out until January. Of course, Patreon members will get it early. but it was just so helpful like hearing it from her as an expert and hearing her tips like it's little things help move the needle and tell your body that you are in fact like that the world in fact is not ending and it's little things I mean it's hard to do right get eight hours of sleep that's a lot harder to do than you know it's easier to say than do but there is some things where it's like, if you sit down with your husband and you're like, here's the deal, honey, I miss you.

35:36Jamie Glowacki:I love you. I want us to be intimate. I know I have nothing left in the tank by the end of the day. So here's what I need. I need you to do the dishes and clean up after dinner. So that way I can only put the kids to bed, crawl into bed myself, have some alone time and get eight hours of sleep. So that way in a week, I will be more, I will, I will want to be intimate because I won't think that the world is ending. Um, and how many husbands would be like, I want more S-E-X. Sorry. We have little ears listening. How many of them are going to be like, sign me up. You want me to put the kids to bed?

36:21Jamie Glowacki:You want me to finish the dishes? You want me to make dinner so that you can rest? They will step up if they know that the end game is an increased libido, let's be honest. So having that educational conversation with them of being like, I have nothing left in the tank. My body thinks that the world is ending and that is why I'm not interested because SEX is a survival need for men. They need to, they want like the human gene is biologically, it has to be passed down and that's who God had them like have it be a survival instinct. And it's not that way for us at all. So we need to explain to them, I'm in survival mode.

37:09Jamie Glowacki:I need you to step up. How many husbands are going to be stepping up? so many. They'll be like, I will step up if it means that I get to have more SEX with you. So that's just the way they're wired. Love them. Let's use that knowledge to our advantage and not, of course, be manipulative with it or anything like that, but know how to approach that conversation in a way that will give us more rest and increase our own libidos because it's not like we're super happy with the situation either. It was a very long winded explanation or mom mail segment for me today. Thanks for listening. And hopefully, hopefully it resonated and you got some tips out of it.

37:53Jamie Glowacki:I am really excited for you to listen to that episode coming out in a few months. So if you're looking for advice, email me at learning to mom podcast dot mom mail at gmail.com with the subject line mom mail, and then keep your ears open because we might just answer it in an upcoming episode. Dang, that is so insightful. Now I got to know why you're, why you say 20 to 30 months is your recommendation. It's a developmental lull. So prior to 20 months, your kid's working on all their skills, right? Like they've been learning how to talk. They've been learning how to, how to walk on different surfaces right now.

38:30Now they're pretty mobile, right? And they probably have mastered separation anxiety. They've mastered mostly getting food in their mouth, right? Like we know these things. And now they're going to spend 20 to 30 months refining those skills. So there's a lull in developmental milestones. The next milestone is somewhere around 36 months and it's called individuation. So this is the psychological process by which your child becomes separate from you. They realize they're a separate person. The term three-nager is my favorite term in the world because it's the exact process a teenager goes through with higher stakes.

39:06The reason why teenagers are pushed against you is because they have to so they can go out into the world and be a grown-up. They have to separate from you. And so that looks like the contentious behavior that you don't have to experience, but that a lot of people experience in teenagehood. So three-year-olds go through this. Prior to that, There is magical thinking of the child, and that is they are enmeshed with you. When they bonk their head, they think you feel the pain. They are one with you. So now they start to realize, hey, I'm my own person. I have my own free will and choice. Guess what happens?

39:40I call it blossoming personality, right? It is the three-year-old. Like anybody who has a three-year-old knows. And I, listen, parenting was very easy for me. And I was a single mom. two, I was like terrible twos. I could do this on one foot with my eyes closed. This is crazy. The day he turned three, the devil himself moved into my house. I was like, I cried. I had like no skills. I was like, oh my God, what am I doing? So you don't want to put bodily functions on top of that blossoming personality and that contentiousness that is built in. It is natural and right for them to be argumentative, for them to say no, for them to want to do everything themselves.

40:23But when you put the process of potty training on top of that, you don't control, you can't control a few things about your kid, what goes into their mouth, what comes out of their mouth and their bodily functions. So now if you get yourself a power struggle with an individuating three-year-old, that's ugly. Yeah, it is. So I just think, and we also know like from 20 to 30 months, that's when your kid, first of all, they love you. They're agreeing with you on most things. So like at three, you just like, you get like, they just want to argue everything. And then, and then they also want to help, right?

41:00They, they can't wait. I help. I do. I help. I do. You want to be having that. You capitalize on that. Let them in the kitchen. Yes. Give them the vacuum. Give them the duster. Give them a squirt bottle of water. Because if you brush over that, you brush over their, they're not going to want to do it. And so I literally get people, they're like, how do I start doing chores with my nine-year-old? I was like, you should have been doing it at 18 months when they're not, they're not actually helpful, but you want to capitalize on their desire to.

41:30Jamie Glowacki:Yeah. Okay. Makes so much sense. Question about prompting. How much prompting is too much how do we help our toddlers learn to listen to their own body cues instead of us always being the one that's like oh it's their due for another party yeah so i definitely don't like timers i don't like i don't like time sits i don't like just arbitrarily going and sitting every hour um but this is where a lot of parents get tripped up remember you're not teaching your child how to pee or poop you're teaching them where to put it okay and this is literally rote and repetition. So parents get really caught up in the, how do I teach them to listen to their body signals?

42:11Rote and repetition. Yeah. So they start to pee a little bit the first day and you go, oh, hold on. Cause you're going to be with them very close with the potty chin. And love how chill that example was. Yep. Put it, oh, and bring the potty to them. A lot of parents scoop the child up and scare the child. So just bring the potty to them, gently sit them down. Oh, great that's it so that's um wait what was the question again i'm losing um how much prompting is too much yeah yeah so right at the first day that's all you're watching for and then pretty soon you'll start to see they have a towel some kids it's a deer in a headlight some kids just freeze some kids look up some kids um walk on tiptoes some kids grab their crotch whatever their tell is there's that's i call their signal or like their p dance right some kids just dance around.

42:55And you go, oh, time to go to the potty. So prompting, one thing you want to do is never ask your child, literally ask, do you need to go to the potty? Number one, do you have to go? Do you have to go? Do you have to go? Comes out of our mouth before you can even stop yourself. It's just like, do you have to go? Do you have to go? Do you have to go? It becomes numbing. It becomes like Charlie Brown's teacher. Right? Just noise. So you want to prompt using a choice, a challenge or a statement. So statement is very easy. It's time to use the potty. Come on, let's go to the bathroom. Right. That's it.

43:28The choice, do you want, hey, do you want to use the big potty or the little potty? Hey, do you want to go first? I'm going to go pee on the toilet. Do you want to pee with me or you want to pee by yourself? Just give them some sort of choice. Two, only two. And then the third is a challenge. And this works well with the spicy kids, which is like, oh, I bet you can't fill this. I bet you can't do X, Y, and Z. So that's a challenge. And so that's how you're going to prompt. The biggest thing I would say is when you go into it is think of how little I can prompt because we all over prompt. Yeah.

44:02Dude, I've been doing this a long time. I have an in-home potty training next week and I'm like, I'm like training myself already. Like I over prompt. It's too hard not to in the moment. Right. And so you really want to observe those first couple of days and that's the hardest part because we're dude you got to put your phone you got to put your phone in a faraday bag like you got to have somebody else okay so you said something

44:23Jamie Glowacki:earlier in the episode and i want to circle back it was a myth that you busted and i want to get i want the the tea boys are boys and girls actually different to potty train no they're not No, they're not. And OK, so first of all, it is so much easier to have a child pee when they have a penis than when they don't, especially on the fly. So I think I OK, I really dug into this because mostly mostly I didn't have an opinion about it before I had a boy. And then I was like, wait a minute, are you telling me my boy's dumber than your girl? Like I got a little I was like, no, this isn't. And I knew it wasn't true, but I was like, why isn't it true?

45:05So I went down a bunch of rabbit holes and I looked at nerve endings and I looked at urethras. I was like, what's going on? You know, why does this myth persist? And then I went to, I homeschooled Brainstown and we went to a brain fair at the University of Rhode Island. And I sat in on a class about brain development and brains. And particularly the guy was talking about male versus female brains. Huge, huge revelations. So men's limbic systems are 50 % smaller than girls. This isn't a competition. It's just a processing and how they relate emotions and feelings and stuff. Men's brains are, women's brains are two thirds the size of men's brains.

45:43And men will be like, oh, see, I knew my brain was bigger. And it's like, no, the synapses move faster for us. Now, women are social thinkers. So we think, I say like the sun, like we think, you know, if we think traditionally as, you know, through cavemen and stuff, we were hearth and home. But we were tracking many things at once. So the funny thing, you know, I have a thousand browsers open and I know what's going on in each one. Whereas men are very linear thinkers. It's A to B, B to C, C to D. And I've worked with so many families, like I'm not slamming guys because dads love when I have this conversation with them.

46:16And so I say, you know, how many times have you texted your man two questions and they only answer one? You only get one answer, right? Yeah. Because they're linear. What's that expression?

46:26Jamie Glowacki:Women are like spaghetti and men are like waffles. Oh, I've never heard that. I think it might. I think it comes from a book. Yeah, I like that. I've only heard of it. Yeah, but we're checking. And I always say, I give this example too. I remember going to a party and we left the party and I was dating somebody and I was like, oh my God, can you believe the tea? Like, I can't believe that one wasn't talking and this one and this one and this one. And he was like, no, I know where the beer was. And I was like, yeah. And it's just like, we're social beings. And so then I started, because I said at two years old, how can it be?

46:58Because they would say girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, but way later, like preteens, when we're talking social emotional learning at two years old, boys and girls are like, don't don't hit. Please share. Like, that's all we've got going on. Right. But what I started to realize is for time immemorial mothers, the female brain was in charge of potty training the male brain. And so we tend to use far too many words. And when I consult with mom and dad on the phone, the dad goes like this every single time. I know she uses so many words. And I was like, yes, we use so many words. And the example I use is, you know, it's your kid's birthday party.

47:34Dad is cleaning the garage. Mom is getting into the car. She's like, honey, I'm going to Whole Foods. I got to pick up the cupcakes, but I have to stop by that bakery because her friend Mia's got a gluten allergy. I have to make sure I have some gluten cupcakes. And then I'm going to swing by. I'm going to get the streamers and I'll be back. But make sure you take the bikes out of the garage because the kids are going to want to ride them. She gets home. The bikes are not out of the garage. She's like, babe, what happened? I told you what I was doing. He was like, no, you went and got cupcakes.

48:00the first thing she said like like we use too many words and we throw words at them and every male so i after i started i asked pascal my son i said do i use too many words he said mommy all the time just all the time there's so many words and so so i think when we look at how they're processing how their limbic system is smaller how their synapses don't fire us and they're in general waffle thinkers they're they're they're you know um rids new york city versus boston

48:30Jamie Glowacki:Yeah, one track minds. And so I said, oh, my God, it's a woman who's a social thinker. I think that's where the glitch came in, is that moms are not always effective with their boys. So I always say when you're potty training boys, think puppy training. Think puppy training. Would you use all the words when you're puppy training? You use very basic words, right? Yeah, you go potty outside. Potty, yeah. Sit, pants, hands. Like, just cut it down to directives and it goes so much smoother. Because, and girls will respond more to more words. To, you know, brighter, like, oh my goodness, you know, like, you did such a good job.

49:11Whereas boys are like, nice. Yeah? So true. Yeah. So that's where I think it came from. Because there's nothing, there's nothing scientific to support the fact that kids, that boys are harder to dream than girls.

49:23Jamie Glowacki:I'm so glad that we talked about that. Jamie, I could keep you forever. We are out of time. I've had way too much fun. I feel like we were just kindled spirits. Everything you were saying was just speaking right to me. Specifically love how you just shoot it straight. And I love that. How can people find you? How can they find your book? I'll put all of this in the show notes, of course, but for those listening. Yeah. So my book is available everywhere, you know, but make sure you get the yellow copy. So I do remind people that because of the 24th, the 2024 10th anniversary. The original is a blue cover and the rewrite is a yellow cover.

50:04So I always tell people, I don't mind if you go to Savers or whatever, but you're gonna, if you have the blue cover, you just have the outdated one. So the yellow cover. If you have the blue cover, you can always listen to my podcast. I have Oh Crap Potty Training, Just Potty Training. And then I have Oh Crap with Jamie, which is Just Parenting. And then everything is at jamieglowacki.com. Yeah, you can find everything. Instagram is jamie.glowacki. That's where I'm most. I'm YouTube. Oh, crap with Jamie. Yeah, just crapping Jamie. If you put those words together.

50:35Jamie Glowacki:It'll come up on Google. Thanks for spending time with me today, mom friend. I know you're probably taking away a few helpful tips from this episode already. But if you ever wish you could hear even more, the full episodes are inside the mom club. And there, in this episode alone, they got 24 more minutes of this episode. So come join us at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. I cannot wait to show you around and become real mom friends inside.