Interior Design for Overwhelmed Moms: How to Create a Calmer, More Cohesive Home (Without Being a Minimalist) with Anita Yokota | Ep. 161

0:00So there's different ways that you can put things and intentional design into your home that may not look like Arch Digest home. It's not going to look like your Pinterest home, but it will calm you and your kids down.

0:15Learning To Mom:Welcome back, mom friend, to the podcast where we discuss all things pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood without making you feel overwhelmed. This is the Learning To Mom podcast, and I'm Layla, your official mom friend. Here, we don't partner bash or judge other moms for having different viewpoints than us. Here, we acknowledge the hard that comes with motherhood, but we don't just stop there and complain about it. We discuss the tools to overcome the hard so you can be the best mom you can be while finding that motherhood can be full of fun, joy, and peace. We do lean a little bit toward screen-free play, barefoot outside adventures, intentional family time, and questioning the status quo.

0:56Learning To Mom:We are always asking ourselves if that's really the right parenting choice or just today's cultural war. So if that sounds like your vibe, you're going to love it here. Each individual featured in the podcast, including myself, comes with their own perspective and background. So please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only. Hi, Anita. Welcome to Learning to Mom podcast. Hi, Layla. I'm so happy to be here with you and the listeners. Well, what I didn't tell you before we hit record is I'm just very excited to pick your brain on how our homes shape our nervous systems and why intentional design is essential for mental health and overall well-being.

1:37Learning To Mom:At the time of this recording, we recently moved into a new home. So I feel like this is very fitting and everything from regulation to decor tips, I am just going to be eating it up. So I'm excited. I'm excited to share because that is a very special season in your life, in your family's life. And to be intentional, we'll just add more layers to that. Yes. Okay. Well, before we get into it, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you got into interior design? Sure. I am a licensed therapist of over 20 years. I'm marriage and family. I did not know that. Yes. Yes. So I, um, I worked so hard for my license.

2:27I'm never letting it go. And I did a lot of home visits when I was a younger therapist. And as I was doing home visits, I realized the emotional climate was very much intertwined with the physical environment. And I found myself there to help with parenting and communication, but really I left cleaning up busy mom's entryways and pantries and bathroom clutter. Like I just was kind of an interior designer from the start, but I didn't even realize it. So over 20 years of working with therapy clients, last 15 years as interior designer, I've kind of melded my two worlds to help people feel better at home.

3:08Learning To Mom:Dang, that is a very cool story. Did you have, were you one of those girls that rearranged your bedroom? Yes, it's so funny. A lot of people say that, but it's so true. I was definitely rearranging my room, rearranging the living room. I rearranged everything in our home, but my mom loved it. My dad is an architect. So design was always in our house. Okay, that is cool. That is very cool. So getting into kind of the meat of the episode today, you talk about how our homes can shape our nervous system, which I think a lot of moms feel, but we can't quite explain. So can you just, can you break down what that means?

3:52Yes. So our nervous system basically is the biological response to perceived stress, fatigue, lack of sleep, all these things. It's all cyclical. It's all intertwined and it's like the chicken or the egg. And so when our bodies are on fight or flight response, that's something I think everybody can relate to. When our nervous systems are jacked up, the cortisol level, which is our stress hormone, is so high, we're constantly in that fight mode or we're in the flight mode and we just paralyze ourselves and not do anything. That's where procrastination comes and then the mom guilt. So we're constantly in a stuck.

4:37We feel stuck and overwhelmed. I know for me as a mom, I have three girls. One is 20. She's in her, she's going to go into her third year of college. I have a 17 and three quarters. Like she's going to turn 18 in August. She just graduated from high school. And then I have a tween that's going to be 13 in the fall going into seventh grade. So I am so excited to be here today because I've been where you guys are and I have so much to share because I feel that I still remember all the pain. It's wonderful pain, but when you're in the thick of feeling overwhelmed in your home, when you look around and everything's a mess and you just can't seem to move forward, that's what I mean by your dysregulated nervous system.

5:27Learning To Mom:Well, I think we are all, all ears for you, Anita. So anything you want to share about anything, be my guest. I do want to, okay. So this topic, I, you know, it always kind of leads to like minimalism. So I just want to, I guess, pause here so that you can explain your style because I would not say that you are minimalist, you know? So like, how do you balance having this really creative and almost whimsical. I don't know what the words are. I would love to hear you explain your own style. But you know, like when we kind of hear all this, we almost kind of feel like, well, now I have to be a minimalist, but that's not your take at all.

6:12No, my take is, and this is more from a therapist point of view than interior designer. So in interior designer, there's so many design rules, right? And there's trends. And if you were to go to straight design principles, it's almost like minimalism or maximalism, but like, there's a lot of rules. And, um, hello, being a mom is messy. And I always told my friends and they all agreed like parenting, it's like shooting blanks in the dark. Like you just don't know ever, like even working mom every day, my schedule says one thing on the calendar. And have you noticed it's never this really what it's going to be on the calendar because kids are moving targets.

6:55One can get sick, one can like change a play date time, or there's swim lessons different, or like there's just every day is a circus. So what I really encourage moms to think about when it comes to minimalism, maximalism, to me, my style aesthetically is California modern behind you can see my background this is very I love color but it's also very organized you can see it's cohesive you know we've got the same colors going around in this room in this cute little girl's room but at the same time and I've got nature going but at the same time it's cohesive so you can be lived in is what I love to bring to the table for design is you want to be relatable don't keep up with the latest mom trends about anything.

7:51You gotta live your own life and what works for you. So if your house is a little mishmash right now and you just wanna bring some more cohesive color palettes, that's far more sustainable than throwing everything out because with kids, there's no way we can throw everything out. It's just, I mean, there is, but you have to have a certain level of discipline. And I don't know about you, but I don't necessarily have that when it comes to parenting.

8:19Learning To Mom:but what is happening in our nervous system when we're surrounded by the clutter and the noise and the visual chaos of our visual clutter there's things that we don't realize there's visual and auditory clutter that compounds it just like every day just grates at us but because our baseline for that clutter level tolerance is high we almost don't notice it but it doesn't mean it's not affecting us. So think about 35 different computer tabs running on your laptop, but it's your brain. And you've got 35 tabs running in the background. So it's not in the forefront, you're like, I'm just busy with what's in front of me.

9:00But really, there's 35 other computer tabs, other programs, iOS, whatever, running in the background. So that's visual clutter, because it's signaling to you all the other tabs that, you know, you come in the entryway, and their shoes and backpacks and everything. And not only does it stress you right when you get home, but then it triggers the thoughts in the background of, oh my God, I've got laundry to do. Oh, I got a meal prep for this kid or this kid has allergies and I've got to go to the doctor's appointment or grocery store or my partner has needs and I got to, you know, like so much stuff.

9:34And so basically your stress hormone cortisol spikes and that hijacks your serotonin and dopamine levels and all the wonderful happy hormones that I call, you know, to regulate our nervous system. And we're just in a really hijacked state of mind and body. So what I love to do is in my newest book, Grounded Living, we talk about how do I bring natural palates? So the soothing blues and greens and creams into our home that whether it's through pillows, throw blankets, art, walls, niches, there's different ways to bring color and nature, not just plants into your home to calm ourselves down. Adding a few greenery just in your kid's room, that visually helps their brain develop and go, oh, when I see something alive, it doesn't have to be real.

10:30Even foe is okay because your brain, in a sense, unless you tell it that it's real or not, it will just see that symbol of a plant and it will still react organically to something refreshing. Obviously, live plants give us that oxygen. It cleans our air. It purifies our air. It actually data has shown it increases our productivity and memory focus. So there's a lot of parents that put a little plant on their kids' desks, hoping they'll do better. A little backwards psychology. But so there's different ways that you can put things and intentional design into your home that may not look like Arch Digest home.

11:15It's not going to look like your Pinterest home, but it will calm you and your kids down. Okay.

11:23Learning To Mom:That was fascinating. I loved that. Can I tell you my actual favorite part of the mom club? It's the book club. But hear me out because I know book club can sound like homework and it is not that. every two out of three months we pick a good parenting book and then every third month we pick a fun fictional read but these parenting books are actually funny they're good they're not dry and boring and then at the end of the month we all hop on a zoom meeting and we talk about it what we loved what annoyed us what we totally disagree with what we really want to try at home. It is so, so good. And together we've become a friend group.

12:11Learning To Mom:It's been so fun. Moms in this group have even called it like, this is my village. We've celebrated births and engagements, big moves together on those calls. And one mom literally said, you guys are my people to which I felt in my core, because that's what it really is. It's where I get to become actual real mom friends with you. So come join our book club and find your people at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. It's in the show notes for you. I cannot wait to meet you inside. Um, now for the moms with littles where the house just constantly feels messy, constantly feels loud. I know you remember what it felt like to be this.

12:52Learning To Mom:How can we support our nervous system without, you know, throwing away everything or expecting a perfectly clean home. Okay. So it comes down to organization. And I know we see so much like Marie Kondo or the home edit. Those are all great ideas. But from my perspective and my experience is they kind of teach the how, right? Like here's how you can color code. So your brain can remember the categories or Marie Kondo is like minimalism. Here's how I can fold things that is more compact in a drawer that will stress me out less. For me, we take a step back and we, it's more sustainable to organize your home through a why.

13:41Why do I want this space to feel, to make me feel better, you know, or to make, help my kids feel better. So finding the why is far more sustainable and you don't have to go, oh, do I do this technique or that technique? Or is it this mindset or that mindset? It's, it's, I want this family room to have memories of my kids happily getting FaceTime with me in person versus devices. So if I have that, why then my organization follows suit. So if I want the family room to be less, just all of us facing the TV, kids are eating snacks while I'm in the kitchen and then they're just like facing the TV.

14:26And that's not my why. My why is I want the kids interacting more. I want family time more. Then that means you organize in that direction. So I find more baskets to fill with blocks and developmental games that will encourage more, you know, talking or playing versus just video games and, you know, devices. You can also have a little pretty box. They make so many great ones where you put the remote controls and you could also just put your phone when it's time to just spend a little time with your family. This is our little phone box on your coffee table. And that helps cue parents into thinking, okay, I've made an intention to put my phone in the box.

15:11I'm really just going to sit down and do some floor play therapy with my kid, you know? So different ways of organizing your devices, toys you can do bins and baskets which home goods has so many like it's so great everything is very accessible these days and have each intention for each basket so this basket is for when I just want to play with a certain child and I know this is his gig like he just loves certain books or whatever this basket is my individual time with him and when you make things intentional and easily accessible when you're in a pinch, it's easier to grab those things and have intentional quality time with your kid than looking in the mess, trying to make time.

15:59Does that make sense?

16:00Learning To Mom:Yeah. No, a hundred percent. Would you say, so one of the questions that I had for you later was if a mom wants her home to feel calmer, where should we start? Is that where you would say to start? I know you gave that really great tip of adding in like earth natural tones and stuff. So do you have anything to add on making our home feel calmer? Yes. So, um, uh, you know, I've touched on color palettes, natural textures. So baskets have that jute or the natural, just, um, you know, earthy colors and even like containers that have more, um, objects that, you know, it may not be organizational, but design things that you could still dot in your room even if it's a playroom with kids that are more earthy like earthware just really try to get to the elements of nature so it can be stone glass metal kind of like that jute texture for a ground like a grounding thing that as a designer we also really emphasize is a good rug.

17:08And with kids, we need good rugs because we need a durable. But have them like more earthy collars, more grounding, things that may be just more a shag carpet, which some women don't, you know, some moms don't like because all the little goldfish gets stuck in the shag. But at the same time, that shaggy feeling is so nice underfoot. And that automatically calms our nervous system down. So you can decide, you know, your pros, cons, cost benefit analysis of what kind of rug works for your family, where your kids are playing at the most. But a rug is always something grounding for that room design wise, but also relationship wise.

17:52It brings you together into that space. It's a defining area.

17:56Learning To Mom:That's good. So, yeah. Okay. So talking more about textures. Yes. What are some other ways that we can add texture into our home? So besides rugs, pillows are wonderful because sometimes they have different patterns or embellishments on it. And that gives you that visual depth that we need. If you think about nature, the landscape is not flat. We have a background, we have the middle ground, and then the forefront. so just like any room when you want to design something start with organization as busy moms we need to organize all the toys and things but also then have grounding moments like your rug your coffee table and your sofa and think about the depth you know so those are the grounding ones and then farther away maybe the farthest walls you want some art maybe some open shelving on the top to put more baskets of storage.

18:53You really just kind of want to layer the room first, what your intention is for that room, then the organization, and then how it promotes that communal feeling of interaction through textures. Not just textures, but also mirrors. If you have a small room, it's very good to reflect that light. Natural light is so important for us. And a lot of us don't have homes or rooms that have a lot of natural light. So used acrylic is probably better than glass if you have little kids. But that is kind of an invisible table or things to really bounce light back and forth in the room. So it tricks our brain into thinking it's bigger.

19:41Learning To Mom:Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of Mom Mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering this week. Hi, Layla. Thank you so much for all you do with the podcast. I am a huge fan. Now, just to get into my email, I first need to say I love my husband. I need to say that first so I don't sound like a monster, lol. But I am drowning in the invisible stuff and he genuinely does not see it.

20:22Learning To Mom:Like he'll help if I ask him to do a specific thing. But I'm the one who always has to know we're out of diapers. And when the next doctor appointment is and whose birthday party is coming up and that we're almost out of the baby's size and clothes, it's all in my head. All of it. All the time. And it never turns off. And when I try to explain it, he kind of looks at me like he doesn't get why I'm so stressed. because just tell me what you need me to do. But I'm so tired of being the manager of everything. I don't want to assign him tasks. I want him to just see it. How do I even explain this to him without turning it into a fight?

20:59Learning To Mom:Am I asking too much? I have a book recommendation for you, my friend. It is called Fair Play. I need to double check. By Eve Rotsky. to be fair I have not read this book but the amount of guests that

21:24reference this book is quite insane so check out that book I think you are going to find that it's very helpful it essentially helps you break down like all of the tasks

21:42Learning To Mom:than all of the mental load in your mind. And it's just like, you know, he handles the thing that comes to mind is soccer. Like, but I don't even know how old you know you said baby. So this wouldn't be applicable to you, but he handles soccer. We're just going to go with that. So he handled the signup. He handles getting the, um, uniforms. He handles the carpool, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like from start to finish. That is his task. And you are completely off task for that. But it kind of walks through like every single thing that it takes to run a household, run a family. And that way you guys can figure out like, you're going to take these and I'm going to take, take this.

22:32Learning To Mom:And then of course it also helps because they actually get to own an entire task. So you're not having to nag anything. There's also another episode that I did that I would highly, highly, highly, highly, highly recommend that you listen to. It is called invisible labor and fair play navigating household balance and mental load with Jessica from the parent collective. That is episode 95. I got a lot out of that episode. It came out. Yeah. About a, well, over a year ago. Um, so if you've missed that, go back and check that out. Um, she talks a lot about how to have those conversations with your husband without them getting defensive or without you kind of, I don't know what the right word is.

23:23Learning To Mom:Like it's very easy for me, at least in these conversations to get really worked up. So she just has some like really good scripts. Um, It's super, super helpful. And then I actually have another book recommendation for you. It is by Jancy Dunn. We read this book as part of the Besties Book Club read for one month. It is titled How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. Hilarious title.

23:53Learning To Mom:This is the description of the book. Dunn uses her own experience as a case study consulting experts like therapists and even an FBI hostage negotiator to find practical strategies for rebuilding a partnership, managing a household responsibilities, and reconnecting emotionally after having a baby. Um, I feel like our book club really liked this book. Um, we didn't agree with everything about it. I mean, you're never going to like a hundred percent agree, but, um, I would recommend that book, the fair play book, and then going back and listening to that episode of mine. I think it was episode 95.

24:29Learning To Mom:Um, so I'm sorry that this wasn't really super jam packed with like tangible advice in this, but rather just me kind of giving you other resources to check out. You are definitely not alone in this. It is a lot to carry. Many men have never had to carry that much because their moms were the ones carrying it for them. And then when you start dating and then the women in your life, do that for them. And they've never had to until their wife is truly at their breaking point. So I encourage you to offload some of that stuff so that you don't have to be at your breaking point. Thank you so much for writing in and for listening to the podcast.

25:12Learning To Mom:Now, if you're looking for advice, email me at learningtomompodcast.mommail at gmail.com with the subject line mom mail, and then keep your ears open because we might just answer it in an upcoming episode. Okay. I'm loving all of these tips. This question that I wasn't planning on asking you today, but now you kind of hinted at it and I want to go even farther deeper. So let's pretend that we have a room in our house that we've just been sitting on forever. And it's like, I don't know what to do. What are your steps? You said first is organization and then it's grounding moments. So can you walk us through what we should focus on first in designing a space?

25:55Okay, this is great because this is my first book, Home Therapy, walks you exactly through it. So the first is finding what I call your core desire, which is your why. What do I want this room? How do I want this room to work for me and my kids and my family? So you start with the intention and your why. And then from there, I swear, everything falls into place. Because if you want this room to be a very productive work from home space, maybe you're a working mom, then all those colors and textures fall into place because we know green is something that increases our productivity. We know that little splashes of color actually give us that adrenaline.