Mom Overstimulation: Why You Feel So Triggered (and How to Handle It) with Alexis Adams | Ep. 138

0:00You have to do what's best for you. And there are other ways to cope and we can absolutely look at those, but you are not a robot. You are showing your kids that it's important to take care of what you need, but then be intentional about how you take that moment. Like, how are you setting up the environment afterwards? How are you like going to make a change? Because if you're heading straight back into the overstimulation, like that's not really going to be great. Or if you're just kicking the can down the road. So now that it's not happening at 4 p.m., it's going to happen at 6 p.m. when everybody's brushing their teeth, right?

0:29Like be intentional with that time. But I also like every mom has a need, like they're still human. We don't shut off our needs just because we became parents. Like we have to be able to express those needs and mom needs a moment and that's okay.

0:44Learning To Mom:Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Learning to Mom podcast. If you're new here, this is the podcast where you get the inside scoop on all things motherhood from your official mom friend, me, Layla. Now, this is the only podcast that grows with you. So season one covers all things pregnancy and birth. Season two is all things postpartum and baby's first year of life. Now we're covering your baby's second year of life. So topics you'll encounter when they're 12 to 24 months old here in season three. Each season is 52 episodes long, a whole year. So if you get pregnant again or have a pregnant friend, tell them about season one.

1:22Learning To Mom:It's just as good as this season. Now, basically, I was the first of my friends to become pregnant and become a mom. So I didn't have anyone to ask my first time mom questions too. So I wanted to give you the resource in your motherhood journey that I wish I could have had in mind here. You'll get your questions answered by experts without feeling judged, belittled, or overwhelmed. This is a safe judgment-free, super honest space. I am so glad to have you here. Each expert guest comes with their own perspective and background. So please note the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

2:01Learning To Mom:Alexis, welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I am so excited to be here. I know you and I have already talked about it, but like, I'm literally like fangirling so hard right now. I don't know why you always say that when you and I are friends. I know, but I still like you just made, I literally remember when you and I were introduced to each other and you were like just getting the podcast going. And I like I've seen you grow this thing to so big. It's just incredible. And so I totally am fangirling because I'm also like cheering you on big time. Like I share you with anyone and everyone.

2:39So that's why I'm fangirling.

2:40Learning To Mom:Thank you. Well, that's why I've gotten so big because you're sharing me with everyone. So thank you. Okay. So I know that everybody's going to fall in love with you just just like I have. It's very easy to fall in love with you, Alexis. So please tell us a little bit about yourself and what Confidently Therapy is all about before we dive into today's discussion, all about overstimulation as a mom. Yeah. So as she mentioned, I'm Alexis. I am a mom of three kiddos and my background is in therapy. And that's a big piece of why I do what I do, but it's also my own lived experiences, which is what you and I actually connected over of like our own unique experiences of motherhood and how we want to impact other moms.

3:21And so a lot of my work is informed through therapy, but then I go on and I coach women who are specifically like high performers, high achievers. They don't necessarily want to do less. They don't want to slow down. They just want to be able to handle it all better without feeling like they're failing at everything or that they're dropping the ball. And that's where I come in.

3:41Learning To Mom:Absolutely incredible. Okay. today's conversation talking a lot about mom overstimulation this obviously this is something that we all struggle with but from just a very like general viewpoint what is happening in our brains and in our bodies when we are going through or when we're having a moment of overstimulation? So in your brain, your brain is telling you like, we are in danger. There is a threat. But honestly, I don't really, because you can Google that answer. Um, I really want to talk more about the idea that it's based in the beliefs that you have about yourself and what's happening in that moment.

4:26When the countertop's a mess, the kids are screaming, the phone is going off. Um, your husband's walking in the door, right? It's all of the things are compounding at once. And then you also had those 47 tabs open in your brain that you're just like constantly keeping track of, right? As moms, we always have our mind on something. It's really hard for us to slow down and be present because we're thinking about, oh, we need to make dinner. Oh, we need to add this to the grocery list. This kid needs to be at this doctor's appointment. So when you think of how much is going on in your brain, and then you add on top of that, everything that's happening around you because kids are loud, kids are messy.

5:04You know, you can do your very best to keep everything organized and together, but generally speaking, kids have other plans, right? And so it's the combination of all of that coming together at the perfect storm. And then it's what you're telling yourself, like, I'm not enough or this is too much and that kind of idea and we're out of control.

5:23Learning To Mom:Do you think that moms today have more overstimulation than past generations? In ways. I would say it's complicated, but I would say in ways. I mean, think of how many people have access to us on a regular basis, right? Like your phone alone, even if you don't, I mean, like generally speaking, I have my phone on vibrate, but your phone is constantly stimulating you in the sense of you automatically check it. Did I get a notification? You see the screen light up. People just have constant access to you. One, then you have these kids who are also constant access to you at this stage, right? Like as toddlers, like they constantly need access to you.

6:05Infants, they constantly need access to you. And so I, in a lot of ways, I do think so. And the world is just loud, right? Like think of the TV shows we watch, the music we listen to, like it is all designed to be very stimulating. And so of course we're going to be overstimulated when we've got so much consumption of everything, so much consumption of information, so much consumption of everything.

6:28Learning To Mom:No, that is a good point. I do always think about though like the blessings that we do have for getting to live in this period and where we do in the world of like, I have a vacuum now. No one else in history had a vacuum or an oven. I am not cooking on a wood fire, you know? Exactly. But then we fill that with things that aren't me. Yeah. You would think like, I think if a mom 400 years ago saw my life now for all the technology, she'd be like, what are you doing with all of your free time? Yeah. But we fill all of our free time, right? And then we're comparing ourselves to other moms on social media who seem to have it together so much more than we do.

7:23And why are we such a hot mess? Well, they can maintain four or five kids or they can maintain this high-end career and we're barely making it to the end of the week without burning out. And so I think it's not only all the things that we have kind of all going on around us. But it's also that fact of like, we're constantly comparing ourselves to other women. We're constantly telling ourselves like, you're not keeping up with the Joneses. And that's not fair either. Good point.

7:50Learning To Mom:I know that you mentioned earlier, you kind of went through like things that we are overstimulated with. But I guess going into that deeper, why do you think moms today are especially prone to feeling overstimulated in this season of life? So I think a lot of it has to do with what, at least with the moms I work with specifically, I would say we're expected to be responsible for everything and everyone. And then we also take a lot of response or I'm sorry, a lot of pride in that responsibility, that ability to take on everybody. Right. And so we don't want to drop the ball. We take on more because we can, and it seems easy or we should be able to.

8:36And the more we stack on, eventually that load kind has to break. I think of, um, I don't know if your kiddos are into, um, Encanto, but I always think of surface pressure every time. Like that is the mom I work with. That is me. And it's this idea of it eventually like it's going to break.

8:55Learning To Mom:If you're the kind of mom who likes to understand the why behind what you do, this is for you because the mom club on Patreon isn't only about giving you extra content, even though holy cow, there's so much of it that only mom club members have access to, but it's also a place to really learn, grow, and feel more confident in your decisions. Feels like you're coming over to my house for coffee. You get the full uncut podcast episodes plus an extra exclusive episode every month, our monthly book club, and the sweetest community of like-minded moms who love learning together. So come join me and fellow mom friends at learningtomompodcast.com slash join.

9:43Learning To Mom:The links in the show notes below. We'll grab our coffee, sit down on the couch, just like we would if we were together and dig deeper. I love you. And I can't wait to become real mom friends with you inside the mom club at learning to mom podcast dot com slash join. So for someone that's like, what's the difference between experience overing stimulation, burnout, even like rage, just some different ways that I think that these things can manifest? So I feel like overstimulation is more of, we'll say like, I don't want to say a cause, but it's more of an influence in our rage, right? A lot of moms who are overstimulated, typically, I won't say this is the only response, but a lot of moms will like snap, they'll yell, they'll like completely lose it because they're overstimulated, right?

10:39It's like all of these inputs are coming in. I don't know what to do with them. Boom. Like it explodes. Pressure cooker, Right. Burnout is more about I have been carrying all of this and just keep pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down. Right. It is the buildup of the pressure cooker. And eventually you just tap out like the power goes out. You're done. You just feel so completely disconnected, overstressed. It's just that long term stress effect. So while I can, you know, I do believe that overstimulation is impacting or can be an influence in burnout. They're separate ideas overall.

11:16Okay.

11:17Learning To Mom:So would you say that overstimulation is something that we feel 24-7? Or is this something that's more just that you experience in the moment because the baby is crying and your range, your oven hood range is on and the TV is going and your phone is being blown up? I think it's more like instant moment situational kind of thing. So overstimulation is more about like, I'm registering there is too much going on, there is too much input and not enough places to kind of take this out right now. And so I would say that everybody's threshold for stimulation is different, right? Like, for me, I absolutely love driving in the car with my music cranked as loud as possible.

12:03But if you put me in a room with my daughter who is chewing like a canine, I might lose it. Right. And those are totally different things, totally different volumes. Like the music I'm playing is so loud that I, you know, I couldn't hear the siren was behind me, which my firefighter husband would be devastated to hear that. But my daughter's chewing is so much quieter than that. But it's the way that it like irritates me, I guess, or something along those lines. And so everybody's threshold or everybody's like what they process as overstimulation is different. I have a friend who has four daughters and her house is a bit like disorganized compared to what I am.

12:47She always like comments on how like organized my house is. That's because my brain literally needs my house to be organized or I will like feel too much. and she has, her family is just very loud and very fun and very full of energy. And that doesn't get to her. Like she just continues carrying on a conversation. And I'm like, if my kids did this on a regular basis, I think I would like want to hole up and cry because that's just too much for my body constantly. So everybody's threshold is different.

13:18Learning To Mom:So then question, can you, how do I word it? do you like get used to the level of overstimulation that you have and then you kind of expand your threshold or it's like this is the way I was made this is going to be my threshold forever I think it depends on the person for me personally I believe so I did a lot of my um my graduate like study um research and all of that on neuroplasticity which is the idea that basically our brains constantly are evolving. Our brains constantly can change. And so there is a big part of me that thinks most people can change. I will say there are, I believe in the outliers.

14:01There are probably people who are like, nope, this is how I am. This is how I always will be. But I think a lot of it is how do you interpret the stimulation? How do you interpret what's happening around you? What boundaries do you put in place to avoid overstimulation? Um, how do you take care of your needs outside of that? So I think your brain is classic. I think your brain can evolve to adapt to whatever it needs to. Um, I think kind of a side tangent here really quick is this idea that, so my parents had me and my sister and they got used to us being loud and doing the kid thing. Right. Now, when we bring our kids, when my sister brings her kids, or when I bring my kids or we have them all together, like it's a lot for my parents to have the kids back in the house because they've gotten used to the quiet.

14:49They've gotten used to the retired life. And now they have kids coming back into their house and becomes too much again. So you kind of adapt to what you have to, what you need to. And it also is somewhat of a choice of like you get to interpret how you see that noise and that stimulation.

15:08Learning To Mom:Okay. No, that's a good point about our brains being neuroplasticity or neuroplastic, whatever. Yeah. I didn't think about that. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of mom mail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario. Basically you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering today. Hi mom friend. I'm currently pregnant with my first and I'm wondering if this is normal. I ask questions, side note, shout out to your newsletter, don't know what I'd do without it.

15:45Learning To Mom:And the doctor just makes me feel dumb for asking it or gives me a hard time kind of for asking it. Like I know these are good questions to ask and I wonder if the doctor is just annoyed that I know my stuff, all thanks to your first season of the podcast covering pregnancy, but is this normal? Are all doctors this way? I know you talk a lot about the importance of being informed. Is this why? Or am I at a bad hospital or is this a bad doctor? What do I do? Do I switch? Sorry for all the questions, but hopefully that got the point across to you. Just what do I do in all caps help? I have no mom friends to ask.

16:23Learning To Mom:Ha ha. Thank you. All right, friend. Thank you so much for writing in and letting me be your mom friend And in this instance, and for all instances, thanks so much for tuning in. And for all your kind words about season one, I, side note, I loved season one. I learned so much about pregnancy and birth and just became so informed because of it. And it really fueled my love for passion or my passion and love, whatever, for pregnancy and birth that I never really had before. so if you're listening to this and you haven't listened to season one and you're pregnant um or you're planning to be pregnant you need to go listen to season one you just have to like scroll all the way back it's the oldest episodes and sorry just while we're covering or talking about um her submission uh she mentions the newsletter if you are not subscribed to the newsletter you need to be every week i send either a question to ask your doctor in your prenatal appointments or a question to ask, um, in your postpartum, like to ask your child's pediatrician or your OBGYN in your postpartum visits.

17:36Learning To Mom:Um, it rotates so that everyone is being taken care of. And yeah, every week I share a question to ask them and then why that question is important. So go sign up for that. I'll link that in the show notes, but friend to answer your question. um this I mean this is why you need to be informed because there are bad doctors there are bad people at all their jobs like there's always going to be someone who is not very good at their job and I hate to say it and this is not across this is not everyone there are so many great doctors who are so caring but there are also a lot of doctors who have this like superiority complex who thinks that they're smarter and is kind of like, why are you asking me this question?

18:26Learning To Mom:You should just shut up and birth the way that I'm going to tell you how to birth. So if that is the vibe that you are getting, you need to run. You need to run. You could be 35 weeks pregnant and you can switch. Like it is never, never, never too late to switch. I will say that maybe it's a really great practice and you know because back in the day like you would have an OB and that's who you would go to your appointments and that is who would be delivering your baby but now most people or most places operate on this like you know we have eight OBs and you're going to see all of them in your prenatal appointments and whoever's on call is going to who's is going to be who delivers your baby.

19:14Learning To Mom:And so you might have a really wonderful practice and you only have one bad doctor. And I will say that a tip that I got, um, I think after I had my first, I didn't know about this was like, I think I had a, is this how I learned it? Or maybe I learned it on one of my episodes and I don't remember, um, that they were, I think I I learned it actually on one of my episodes, like from an OB. So if you have a close relationship, if there's one that you really love, you can be so honest and transparent and be like, you know, Dr. Susan. That's just what came to me. I have had a really bad experience with Dr.

19:58Learning To Mom:XYZ at your practice. I do not want to, like, is it possible that if I were to go into labor, and that doctor is on call, you can come in and deliver my baby. Obviously, not all doctors are going to say yes. Some will and some do. So I want you to be aware of that option. Another option if you are stuck at that hospital or with that practice due to insurance or that's the only nearby place you can deliver or whatever. Another option is if you have a doula, start bringing in your doula to your prenatal appointments and they can just help you feel, they can advocate for you better, keep you more informed and kind of be a middleman and take some of the brunt, I guess, from the doctor's sass.

20:58So those are just some thoughts.

21:01Learning To Mom:Doesn't necessarily mean that all the doctors in that practice are, but I am really sorry that this is the experience that you're having. That is not okay. And that is not normal. Know that that is not normal and that does not exist everywhere. So if you want to just switch practices altogether, you can, what you can also do is you can call another practice and ask to like speak to one of the doctors or to see, to get like Like to have a, gosh, now I'm forgetting, but I literally talk about it on season one. Please hold. I'm going to find it. Okay. It's literally episode one, how to choose your OBGYN and what questions to ask during pregnancy from an OBGYN with Dr.

21:44Learning To Mom:Perro. So check that out. She gives really good advice in that. And if you're thinking about switching, you can use that episode and feel confident in switching. thank you so much for writing in and for being a mom friend. Good luck. Congratulations on your pregnancy. And I'm rooting for you, my mom friend. Now, if you're looking for advice, email me at learning to mom podcast. Mom mail at gmail.com with the subject line mom mail, and then keep your ears open because we might just answer it in an upcoming episode. So how does being overstimulated show up in the way that we respond to our kids?

22:26So I think for most moms, when they say they're overstimulated, it becomes yelling, snapping, losing your cool, lashing out in some kind of way, right? I think that is for most moms how they respond. But I think on the flip side of that, too, there are some moms that totally shut down. I don't want to use the word, like, dissociate, but that's the closest term I can think of. And it's this idea of, like, they become kind of apart from themselves. They freeze up. They don't know how to respond to it. just yeah they go numb they shut down they just disconnect it's like power off mode they're rolling through the motions but they're not necessarily there um so that's for some moms but for most moms the moms that I typically see they like hit a point and it's like screaming yelling I can't handle this and then they feel complete guilt after the fact because that's not the mom they are that's not the mom they want to be and yet that's the reaction yeah so when we

23:26Learning To Mom:I mean, a lot of us, when we feel this way, we feel, and we kind of talked about this at the beginning, we feel like we should be able to handle all of this. Like why is, you know, why is motherhood so challenging or why am I just really struggling with the two kids that I do have when so-and-so has five kids and doesn't seem to be struggling, et cetera. So where do you think that pressure comes from? I think a lot of different places. One of them, I know for me personally, I had a mom that was so self self sacrificial. Like she was, we were her everything. She would make sure she was at the sport.

24:04She would make sure the house is taken care of. Like she constantly put the family's needs above her own. And that's what I learned was a good mom, because my mom is amazing. Like I adore my mom. Um, so I think that the generation, like our parents, that was how you were supposed to be as a mom, like self-sacrificial. You do all the things. Maybe that was just my experience, but that's what I've learned. I also think, as I mentioned, social media makes us believe that we should be able to handle this. We play the comparison game. Even though we know it's a highlight reel, we forget it's a highlight real and we still compare ourselves to that.