Overcoming Mom Guilt: Practical Strategies, Support, and Self-Compassion with Beth Isbell | Ep. 97

0:00Learning To Mom:Hi mom friend, quick disclaimer here. At the time of this recording, this guest was doing a different company. She has since changed companies and shifted a little bit. So I still have her Instagram bio linked below, but I have cut out her intro to this episode simply because what she spoke so much about at the time of this recording is no longer applicable. So today we are just diving right in to the podcast episode and I hope you get a lot out of it. I loved this episode. Enjoy. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the learning to mom podcast, where first time moms feel encouraged, supported, and informed to make the best decisions for them and their family.

0:43Learning To Mom:If you're new here, my name is Layla. And here is where we get the inside scoop from experts. As I ask them all our gazillion first time mom questions. This is the only podcast that grows with you in your motherhood journey. Season one was all about pregnancy and birth. And now season two is all about postpartum and your baby's first year of life. And season three coming out in September is all about your baby's second year of life. So 12 to 24 months old, I was the first of my friends to get pregnant and become a mom. So I didn't have anyone to ask my first time mom questions too. So I wanted to give you the resource and your motherhood journey that I wish I could have had in mind here.

1:25Learning To Mom:You'll get questions answered by experts without feeling judged, belittled, or overwhelmed. This is a safe, judgment-free, super honest space, and I am so glad to have you here. Hi, Beth. Welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast. Hi. I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for having me. Thank you for coming on. Yeah. So just starting right off the bat, Beth, as we get into this tender, vulnerable conversation all about mom guilt that so many of us experience. Obviously, like throughout your motherhood journey, you're going to experience it, but it hits hard. It hits fast, but like in your first year.

2:04Learning To Mom:So do you mind just sharing your experience with mom guilt so that others can just not feel so alone and understand where you're coming from? Yeah, for sure. And motherhood in general, I feel like one of the most like detrimental things is to feel isolated in the way that you feel, you know what I mean? And so honestly, before I became a mom, I would, you know, you hear of mom guilt and you hear of, you know, I would hear other women in my life who were moms who would talk about it. And I full transparency and vulnerability here. I remember thinking like, you're insane. Like, why do you feel guilty for taking a shower while your husband holds the baby?

2:45Or, you know, why do you feel guilty for going to dinner with a friend? Like, you're going to come right back. Why is it that big of a deal? Those were true, honest thoughts that I had before I became a mom. And I know that, you know, the season of the podcast is specific to those of us that are coming into motherhood. And so, um, I, I just want to like preface this with that. Like, I feel like it's totally normal before you become a mom to kind of roll your eyes at the mom guilt thing. And then when you experience it for the first time, it kind of causes some whiplash because you're like, Oh my goodness, wait a minute.

3:14That is me. And so I pulled some numbers for us to, to look at. And this was from a research study that I was kind of reading through. Um, but they, the findings of this study said that 92 % of moms experience mom guilt, 92%. That's like basically a hundred let's be honest. It's like, I don't know who the 8 % of the unicorns are, but 92 % of moms experience mom guilt. 56 % of working moms feel guilty about not spending enough time with their kids. That kind of seemed to be, um, like the trigger of where most mom guilt comes from 63%. So more than half of moms who have guilt also experienced lower self-esteem and almost 50%, about 45 % of moms feel increased guilt due to comparisons on social media.

4:02Like, yeah. Um, and that's one that I feel like can oftentimes, you know, and we'll talk about this in a little bit, like, you know, actually we'll talk about it in one of our first kind of prompts here of kind of setting unrealistic expectations on ourself based on comparison from social media. And I feel like it's one of the most subconscious triggers of mom guilt for sure. But all of that to say, mom guilt obviously has a very dramatic impact on mental health of mothers and parenting in general. And it's an important conversation to have. So I'm so thankful that I feel very blessed that you asked me to be a part of this conversation.

4:39Whenever I first became a mom, like I just mentioned a second ago, I kind of felt that whiplash of mom guilt because it wasn't something that I expected to feel. So it felt like it came really far out of left field. And I think for me, it was because I felt like I had to juggle so many responsibilities, right? I had this full blown life before having a baby that consisted of working full time, running a business and taking care of the home and, you know, social life and being a wife and all of these other things. And it felt like when I had to incorporate those things that were my life into my new life as a mom, it felt like I just couldn't keep all the balls in the air.

5:19And if something else did, quote unquote, take precedence over, you know, not precedence over, right, because nurturing, caring, and loving our babies is our top priority. But if I was doing something else other than that, I felt extreme guilt. Something that really kind of helped me through that season was, and like I mentioned earlier, this is like really where I feel like I've been a Christian for a long time, but I don't feel like I ever really actively pursued a relationship with the Lord until I became a mom. And I realized that like, I just had to completely surrender it all because I couldn't do it all on my own.

5:55And so that's something that really helped me through this season of experiencing mom guilt for the first time was kind of embracing biblical principles, like seeking rest in the Lord, like Matthew 11, 28 through 30 reminds us of, I think to, you know, setting boundaries, like open lines of communication with my husband and with my family about how I was feeling and things that I felt like were important to me so that they could kind of ease my mind in terms of giving me some confidence and reassuring me that, that it didn't have to be this or this, that it could be and, and both really did help.

6:26But I think, I think first and foremost, like understanding and recognizing that you're not alone and that it is, unfortunately it is, it is normal, but there are some really useful strategies that we'll talk about in this episode to, to really help kind of mitigate the anxiety and the pressure that can oftentimes come as a result of it.

6:46Learning To Mom:Yeah. Well, first of all, thank you so much for sharing. Yeah. If you've ever had the thought I'm doing everything for everyone, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough. Or if I could just get it together, then I'd finally feel less anxious and be more present with my kids. You're not alone. Motherhood can make even the most high achieving capable women feel like they're falling behind the mental load, the pressure to do it all the constant second guessing. It's exhausting. That's exactly why I want to introduce you to Alexis from confidently therapy. She's a mom and a licensed therapist who helps ambitious, high achieving moms break free from the cycle of perfectionism, overthinking, people pleasing and emotional burnout.

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8:14Learning To Mom:Seriously, stop white knuckling your way through this season. you deserve real tools, real support, and real relief. Her Instagram and the keyword you'll need are both linked in the show notes below for you. No, I think that's really great. And just, I'm curious as a mom of two, and as they've gotten older, I'm assuming to know what your answer is going to be, but I'm still going to ask, does it get like, does mom guilt get better? Or we just like get better at navigating it? I, we just get better at navigating it. And it's so interesting that you asked that because I feel like when I'm not experiencing it in a moment, right?

8:51Like for example, I work from home. I run a business from home. And, um, if I, I try really hard to, this is pressure I put on myself. This is mom guilt, right? I try really hard to not work while they're awake. Mom guilt. I feel like if they're awake, I need to be with them, which that is my priority, especially during the summer when they're out of preschool and those things. But if I'm not in, in a moment of experiencing the mom guilt, I convinced myself that it's not there anymore, if that makes sense. And then the moment that I like, you know, for example, right now we're recording this podcast.

9:23My husband took the kids to McDonald's to play on the play thing because my, my office is open to the rest of the house and they are little heathens. And this would not be possible if they were here. So, you know, there was a moment when they left that I was like, oh, I feel like I should be going like, like they're going to go have so much fun without me. And I'm staying here to work and, and, and not to get ahead of ourselves here, but my husband reminds me in those moments, because I've been so open with him as I've navigated this, this emotion that is mom guilt of, um, of helping me. And my, my kids are five and a half and two and a half.

10:00So the two and a half year old doesn't really get it, but the five and a half year old, she sees mommy working. Right. And so he's helped me really lay that out for her. If like, instead of me feeling guilty for doing something that not only benefits our family, but benefits myself. And I'm just talking about working right now as kind of a generalized example. He helps me have conversation with her to, so that it alleviates that guilt from me of mommy gets like mommy gets to do something that she loves and she gets to work and provide for our family and how cool is it that she loves it. And it's so fun while you get to go spend time with the dad.

10:33So no, it never goes away. It shows up differently as your kids get older and, um, you get better at navigating it for sure.

10:42Learning To Mom:I feel like the whole idea of when something is like anything and it's something that isn't never goes away. Like it's something that you're always going have to constantly work at. I feel like those are the things that we do a really bad job of then working on it because it's like, well, it's never going to go away. So it's not like, I like, even if I put in a lot of work for six months, I'm still going to deal with it. It might be on a lesser level, but I'm still going to deal with it. So why would I deal with it? Like to begin with? Yeah. So for those of you who are listening, who are willing to start dealing with it and navigate this and overcome this.

11:22Learning To Mom:Welcome. We're so glad to have you. And it's so worth it. It is so, it is so worth it. It's so worth it. Just like anything, like working through something like that is so worth it because then you get to break free from that. It is what it is mentality, which keeps us complacent and keeps us sitting in feelings that aren't fun to sit in, you know? Yeah. No, that's so true. Speaking of working through it, what are some practical strategies and tips that you've learned for managing and reducing your mom guilt? I feel like this is something that I worked really hard to. I'm a big, so just to kind of give you some insight into my personality, I'm severely type A.

12:02If you're familiar with Enneagrams, I'm an Enneagram three, which is the achiever. I like order. I'm a three. Which there's lots of pros and cons that come from being like us. Once I kind of sat with these emotions for an extended amount of time, I kind of got to a point where I was like, okay, if there is no end in sight, it either is what it is, or I'm going to try to do something about it to where I'm going to give myself permission to experience these feelings, but I want to make them productive and I want them to be healthy. And I wanted them to be rooted in biblical truth, not what the world was telling me or what I felt like the world was telling me I needed to do or be.

12:43So I literally sat down with a journal and I did these things that I'm about to share with you. Instead of telling myself, you know, as a new mom, early newborn stages, I was experiencing mom guilt of like literally even taking a shower. Um, I, I stopped putting pressure on myself to feel like I had to do it all and do it all really well. So my first tip would be to set realistic goals, establish daily goals, like daily and every day is allowed to look different, but that are achievable for both your own personal self and your family responsibilities and, or your work, whenever that time comes in your, and you're going back to work.

13:19If that's, you know, if that's what you do, it really helps you kind of shift your mindset and your perspective on being able to focus on all the goodness that you are doing and not all the ways that you're falling short. So I would say, start by setting realistic goals.

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14:50Learning To Mom:I've got it linked for you in the show notes below. Don't worry. What's the next tip you have prioritizing. I, for a lack of a better phrase, I don't love this phrase, but self-care. Okay. And I'm going to elaborate on that. This can be literally anything. I'm not talking about you getting a workout in or taking a 45 minute bath or, you know, doing a face mask or a, you know, whatever. I'm not talking about the elaborate activity that I feel like society has kind of like crafted around or attached to what self-care means. I'm talking about just like sitting in a comfy spot on the couch and reading two pages of a devotional or 10 pages of a book or sitting in silence or going instead of like your dark dungeon, like maybe walking outside on, on the patio and just sitting for five minutes and listening to the birds or letting the sunlight hit your skin or, um, just something that, you know, is going to kind of give you just a little bit of, um, just like a little bit of yes.

15:53Yes. Dopamine, something that, you know, is just going to kind of feed that part of you. Now, if you are willing and able and want to take a 45 minute shower with all the masks and all the things and everything shower, whatever it is, by all means do it, but take off the pressure of feeling like you, because you can't do that, then it's not worth doing anything. And then just kind of moving right along, I think establishing boundaries is really important. If you work outside of the home or if you work from home, that was really difficult for me when I was newly postpartum because I, my workspace and my home space and my new parenting space was just all meshed into one since I work from home.

16:32And so I didn't really have clear boundaries between work and home. I wasn't very communicative with what my limits were to other people, depending on your circumstances and what your life looks like, obviously that's going to look different for everybody, but just establishing those boundaries and making them very clear and then communicating, you know, your limits and what those boundaries are to the people around you.

16:53Learning To Mom:Yeah. And then kind of going hand in hand with that, I think involving your family, you know, whether that is a spouse or like for me, anytime I have a child, my, I call my mother-in-law and I'm like, you're living with me for three weeks. So just kind of depends on what that looks like for you, but just including them and what I felt like were manageable routines or activities that really kind of helped make me feel like I could balance my responsibilities in that given season. And it, and I feel like it, it honestly kind of helped make our time together more meaningful. And I felt like, because I worked through this process when I'm, when I'm with them, I'm with them.

17:30And when I'm not, I'm obviously still thinking about them and scrolling through my phone and looking at pictures and all the things, but that guilt, that is still guilt feels a little more productive, if that makes sense, and not so heavy and not so negative and weighted. Yeah.

17:49Learning To Mom:I love the boundary tip for sure because of that. If you can just be 100 % present with them, I think that's going to reduce a lot of the guilt that you experience. For sure. Yeah. And you probably experienced this too with, you know, full-time working, doing your own thing and having kiddos is like, it's when we're away from them and we feel like we didn't maximize our time with them, that the guilt can be crippling and kind of onset this cyclical process of feeling like we can't ever, you know, go or do or be anything else because then those emotions that we felt, they're not ones that we want to feel again.

18:32When in reality is like, we don't have to feel that way, but we have to be able to like target and pinpoint what kind of served as a trigger and a catalyst for creating those emotions so that we can kind of get to the root.

18:46Learning To Mom:Yeah. And that might even look like setting a automatic email response for every day at 530 where it's like, hi, I'm already out of the office, like spending time with my family. I will get to get back to you first thing in the morning. Yeah, absolutely. Turning off notifications on your cell phone or your Apple watch. Yeah. It's like I said, depending on your circumstances and kind of like what your life looks like and what your responsibilities are, just getting very clear on what your priorities are and how you want to feel and then implementing strategies as far as boundaries are concerned to help kind of protect those things.

19:24Learning To Mom:Any other strategies before I move on to my next question for you, Beth? To really lean into, if you are a spiritual person for me, like I said, this is like really where I feel like I started to experience my faith. So turning to prayer, scripture, just my faith in general, my relationship with the Lord for comfort and for perspective, and just trusting that I have a, actually have a post-it note on my desktop here that I look at every single day that says, God blesses my effort. So just trust that you're doing your best and that your intentions are where they need to be. And that your heart is where it needs to be.

19:57And that the Lord will help support you through that journey. And that it is what it is in the sense of like mom guilt is a real thing, but it's just because you love that baby and those babies so stinking much. And it doesn't necessarily have to be, it doesn't have to be at all this negative kind of weighted interference of our life. But instead, you know, we can kind of flip the script and see it as just like a really beautiful result of the love that we have for them.

20:20Learning To Mom:I love that. I love that so much. So dang much. That was so good. I don't know if you were planning on saying that. I wasn't. No, that was so good. So, so good. Good. So you did just talk about your family members and like instilling help from them. How can, so diving deeper into that, how can partners and family members support a mom who's struggling with feelings of guilt? It's, it's one of those, like what they don't know, they don't know. Yeah. The first thing kind of is just being intentional about your self-awareness with how it is that you're feeling and then being open with your partner, your family members so that they, you know, extend their hand and, and, and help you.

21:01And I think some of those ways could be, you know, just offering emotional support. I feel like a lot of times I just needed to talk. So just like feeling really confident and reassured that, um, I had somebody to listen And then having them just provide me with reassurance, reminding me that, you know, it's okay to have these feelings. It's totally normal. Um, obviously sharing responsibilities, but we have to be open about those things. I think also encouraging that self-care, you know, support mom in taking time for herself and pursuing whatever those activities are for her reaffirming her efforts.

21:35My husband and I were talking about this actually just a short couple of months ago. And like I said, I've been a mom for about five and a half years. And I don't know if you're familiar with the love languages, that test that you can take with the five love languages. So my love language has always been like historically in our almost 11 years of marriage quality time. Like just watch a good movie with me at night. Like that's all that I need to feel loved. But what I noticed several months ago is that the acts of service and the words of affirmation, Now that I'm a mom of multiple children, somebody telling me that they see me balancing a lot and they see me balancing a lot and doing a really good job means everything to me.

22:17And I never cared about that before. And then also acts of service. Like if you unload the dishwasher for the sole sake of me not having to, like, I feel so loved, but the words of affirmation part, um, is something that became really big for me that I didn't realize once I became a mom of, you know, I, like I, we want to feel validated and reaffirmed in that we are doing our best and our best is good enough. And something that I always like to tell new moms specifically with this is, um, kind of going back to that comparison thing that social media tends to do to us. I think we also do it to ourselves in the sense of we compare the season of life that we're in now and what we feel like we're capable of doing to what we once were capable of doing.

22:59And so we feel like if we can't give it a hundred percent and it doesn't look like it used to, then it's not good enough. And so what I would say to that is if you only have 40 % to give today and you gave 40%, then that's really a hundred percent, right? Like if that's all that you have to give and you give it all of that. Um, and so that was something that, you know, once I took me five years of realizing that that's something that I needed, but just like having somebody acknowledge and praise you for, um, for the transition that you're going through and all that you're trying to figure out and they're learning and the relearning, um, is really huge for a new mom as well.