The 1 Parenting Hill I’d Die On | Ep. 117

0:28Heads up, mom friend. Choose the bestie tier and sign up for the annual plan before it's too late. I cannot wait to see you inside, mom friend. Welcome back to the Learning to Mom podcast. I'm Layla, your official mom friend. Around here, we don't shy away from hard conversations. We talk about the real and the hard parts of motherhood, but we don't stop there. We give tangible advice for moving past the hard. I started this podcast because I didn't have anyone to ask my endless first-time mom questions to, and I wanted to create that space for you. So take a deep breath, and let's dive in together.

1:09Each expert guest, including myself, comes with their own perspective and background, so please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Hey, friend. Today's going to be a different kind of episode. I'm going to be honest with you. This one's been sitting heavy on my heart for a while. You know how sometimes something just keeps coming up? Like every time you scroll or talk with another mom and you can't not say something about it anymore? That's where I'm at.

1:45So grab your coffee or throw me in your earbuds on a stroller walk or play this while you're driving to work. And let's talk about this like the real mom friends we are here. Because I think we, as parents, myself included, need to have a serious conversation about this. I'm going to start the episode by sharing a personal story, because we are mom friends after all. And I didn't care that much about this topic until it happened close to home. And because of this story and me feeling so incredibly convicted by this, I'm probably not going to hold back in this episode. If you're a longtime listener, you know that I give a lot of grace.

2:28I never want parents to feel judged. And although with this topic, I still don't want moms to feel judged, I do want their perspectives to shift. I want change to be made. Otherwise, I wouldn't be putting this out there. So if the fire that I have on this topic comes off as me passing judgment or me being aggressive, I do apologize. I can't speak on this topic lightly or like tread carefully because I feel so passionate about it. And this is a hill that I will die on. And honestly, I'm so grateful for it. It's kind of fun to be passionate about something on a side note, but I know I'm probably going to receive flack for this.

3:12might even receive some bad reviews. But I'm willing to speak boldly on this topic and speak up about it because I want parents' perspectives to change on this. I think this is a worthy thing to discuss and bring to light and stick my neck out for. Because in my perfect little world, no child's face, mine or yours, would ever be on the internet. Here's my story with it all to give you some background as to where I am coming from. When we had our first child, I posted stuff. When she was born, her birth weight, the time she was born at, her face, details, and continued to post. Her napping on my chest, us going to the state fair, family Thanksgiving fun, all the things.

3:59But slowly, I became more uncomfortable with the idea of having well over a thousand Facebook friends because my sixth grade self, the year I first got a Facebook account, went friend requests happy and sent one to anyone I had ever had a conversation with. And from then, although I got a bit more selective in who I added on Facebook, there were still plenty of people I hadn't spoken to for years who were now seeing pictures of my kid and knowing details about them. And that made me just a little bit uncomfy. And so I started really thinking about that and I was like, does that person really need to see this?

4:39So I slowly went through my Facebook friends and removed quite a few, even people, honestly, that I like genuinely love, but perhaps their account has been inactive for years. I don't want to risk a hacker hacking into their account. And then that hacker has pics of my kids. So I am friended. Interrupting myself real fast, mom friend, because I wanted to give you a quick heads up before we jump back in. If you've been loving the podcast and wish we could go deeper, become real mom friends, figure things out together, even join my book club, then the mom club on Patreon is for you. Come join and get uncut ad-free episodes, extra expert interviews, and real connection through our monthly book club and private community so that you can have connection and more confidence in your motherhood journey.

5:32And this week is extra special. It's the last week to join the Bestie tier and choose the annual plan. Because when you do, you'll be automatically entered into a special November giveaway where I'm reimbursing two Besties for their entire year inside Mom Club. So if you've been thinking about joining, now is the time. Head to learningtomompodcast.com slash join, choose the bestie tier and sign up for the annual plan and I'll see you inside. Now at this point I had started this podcast and the Instagram page of this account and my husband and I decided from day one that our kids faces would never be shown.

6:14It's a public account you never know who could stumble upon it better to be safe than sorry but I did continue to post pics of my kids on private social media. Like even when my second was born, details, adorable family memories, all the things. But I did. I definitely felt better. I felt safer because now at least the only people seeing those photos were people I know and trust because I had gone through my whole following and my whole friends list on my private account, of course. And I was never posting anything remotely borderline inappropriate of either of my kids. No bath time pictures, no bathing suit pictures.

6:56It was all completely safe. Nothing could be seen. Nothing could be close to being seen. Nothing could be misconstrued. But my comfortability with all of that changed when a childhood friend of mine, who I had kept as a friend and a follower, was charged for child pornography. And that flipped my whole world upside down. I've just recently started sharing this story, and I do like to keep personal details close to my heart because I'm still good friends with one of their siblings. I have probably never been more impacted and freaked out by any other incident in my whole life. It not only opened my eyes to the reality of you can't trust everybody, even people whom you think you can trust.

7:49You really can't 100%. I was finally faced with the reality of the risk I was putting them in every time I posted about them, even to my own private account, unfortunately. So that's my story. And I want you to hear this before we move on. I'm not judging other parents for sharing. I was sharing. I get it. But once I knew what I didn't know, I couldn't unknow it. and I couldn't go on the way that I had. This isn't about guilt. It's about awareness and choice. I want you to know that I see you. I was you. And I want us to be the ones who decide for our kids because we love them so fiercely, not because we assumed sharing is harmless.

8:38So that's me. Now let's dig into the various reasons because I think there are several and yours might be different than mine, but that doesn't make any of our reasons wrong. And I understand that this is a personal choice, but honestly, I feel so on fire about this that I do 100 % believe that there is a right choice and a wrong choice. I'm not going to come at you if you have a public account and post your kids, nor am I going to shame you and make harsh comments to you or behind your back. And I know it gets tricky with private accounts. Like I personally don't post my kids on my private account anymore, but I don't really have like a problem per se with other people posting their kids on their private accounts at this moment, like at this time, maybe if further research and studies come out, that might change my opinion.

9:30But like for the most part, where my beef is public accounts. Fellow influencers, parents who just have public accounts, UGC creators who use their child for content, parent-ran child accounts, even child models and actors, as I've gone down Alison Stoners and many other memoirs of childhood stars. So when I get fired up, know that I'm specifically speaking about my passion for keeping kids off of public accounts who are being posted without their consent, whose images are not being protected at all because it's just open to the public. The private account debate, there's so much more nuance and things that come into play.

10:17If you do have a private account and you're debating taking your kids off of that account, then maybe this episode will help you make a decision one way or another. As you can tell, I feel so extremely strong about this, so I'm not holding back in today's episode. Now, this next part of the episode is where I want us to lean in and really look at some of the facts. One key stat is that research shows that as many as one in five children have been sexually solicited online. That's from the District Attorney's Office of San Diego. One in every 50 child falls victim to identity theft each year. That comes from LSEG, which is a leading company in data infrastructure.

11:00And more than 90 % of abusers are people whom that child knows, loves, and trusts. That's from indianaprevention.org. That one really speaks to me because how quickly are we in this generation of parents to not allow sleepovers, to put monitors in our kids' room when we're with extended family so we can always keep an eye on them in case there's bad activity with an extended family member going on, as we should, but then how many of us are just handing over pics of our kids to anyone on the internet, allowing them to do whatever with the images, including generating other content via AI with our kids' faces and bodies.

11:45We may be protecting our children physically, safe sleep, finding the right car seats, giving them nutritious food, but we might be under protecting them digitally. And I always remember the quote by Jonathan Haidt. I can never remember if I say that last name correct or not, but he's the author of The Anxious Generation, which has been my favorite book club book the mom club has read so far. And he says in this, we have overprotected our children in the real world while underprotecting them online. Drop the freaking mic. Let's just end the episode there. No, but let's keep that in mind as we continue because I freaking love that quote.

12:28One of the major reasons to rethink posting our kids online is identity theft and data security. Sounds maybe less emotional than other risks, but it's still very real. We know that when we post photos, captions, dates, birth announcements. All of that is data. And you might think, but it's just my kid and I'm really proud and I totally hear that. But the internet doesn't think proud mom moment. It thinks data point. Hope you really like my computer a little data point. Hackers and scammers can piece together the little details that we share, birth dates, full names, locations, milestones, and they can use that to build a child's identity.

13:17A child who doesn't even know how to create a password yet could become a target of identity theft. And now it's time for this week's segment of MomMail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener-submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in you're a tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering this week. Starts out with, I don't know if this is too controversial for mom mail or not, but here we go. Side note, mom friend, nothing is too controversial. Nothing is TMI. We are all mom friends here, but I digress.

13:56The email continues. I am a working mom. My husband and I are working hard to get out of debt. So by the time we have our next baby in a couple of years, I can stay home. While I'm working though, I have felt powerless to the system and can't make the choices I want for my 15-month-old. The type of sippy cup I want him to use, not wearing shoes all day, vaccine schedules, daycare even declined my vaccine exemption. I feel so hopeless and like I can't choose what I know is right for my family just because I work and my kids is in daycare and on a state voucher to even be able to go to daycare in the first place.

14:30I know I'll be able to control more when I'm staying home, but am I honestly just powerless in this situation until I get there? Thanks for your time. I appreciate all you do. Okay. First of all, thank you for writing in, sharing your situation, and for being honest and like how you're feeling about all of this. Honestly, I just want to first say like, that sucks. I am so sorry that the daycare environment is not respecting your wishes as a parent and is putting you in this predicament. You are not crazy. You are not asking for too much. You're not being difficult. I know a lot of first time moms, I think we are afraid of being like difficult or kind of being like a Karen.

15:17And And I just want you to say that, like, you're not. Also, you are an incredible mom. You're working so hard. You have done your research. You know exactly what you want. And you're asking for that. And then you're advocating for it. Your child is seriously so lucky to have you because you're the kind of mom that's going to fight for them. And every kid deserves that. So thank you for doing your research, for speaking up, for advocating for your kid. And I also believe that the more we all advocate for our child for the better, like that's how change is made when more of us are speaking up and advocating and trying to get change to happen.

16:00So thank you for doing that. No, I think you raise a really interesting question. And it is tricky because I don't know any other details besides this email that I received. Just some like thoughts that come to mind as a mom friend. is I do think it's kind of important to pick and choose your battles because you want to be respected here. Like you can't be fighting them on every single thing or you're going to be labeled as like this difficult parent. And although we know that you are not a difficult parent and you know that to someone who doesn't have a personal relationship with you and who's just like clocking in and clocking out of work, you don't want to be labeled as this difficult parent and then kind of them have to like them roll their eyes whenever they have to like work with you or email you or whatever it is and I know that is really unfair and I don't want you to hear that and then be like well I don't want to stand up for my kid because I don't want their care to diminish like it's all just so tricky and it just sucks so I'm so sorry but I do think that it is important to try to like pick and choose some battles here and the first thing is like the sippy cup that I know you want him to use, I know that really sucks that they're not respecting that.

17:15And it's just like whatever sippy cup is the one that he's going to have. To me, when I see this list of examples, and I'm sure that there's more examples that you have that they're not listening to you about, I think that that's probably one that I wouldn't fight. Whereas if you've made the decision about the vaccine schedule, that is one that I would fight. I also, I don't know your state or anything that way. But I know here in the state of Indiana, you can get exemptions, at least you can for school. So I would assume that you can for a daycare. Don't quote me on that. But I would probably honestly reach out to your doctor because I'm assuming, OK, so if you either like are on a delayed vaccine schedule or whatever you do for vaccines, that your doctor is on board with that and has other patients who this is happening to.

18:11Because I know like of one doctor in our area that some people go to specifically because then like they will write the exemption, like do all the forms and they can handle some of the advocating and like, you know, are willing to talk to the school. So I would assume this handles in the daycare too. And I think it's under a religious exemption that they can make it happen. But I don't know your details and I don't know like your religious affiliations or anything. So I don't know if that's possible. But that is one that I would like fight over the sippy cup situation. I know it really sucks because they are in daycare for for a lot of time.

18:51But whatever is happening there, you can just keep holding your course at home. Like use the sippy cup at home that you want to use. Allow them to be barefoot as much as possible at home. I guess I just want to speak into that because I think a lot of women are in that boat as well. And not only there, but like, you know, maybe cloth diapering or elimination communication or whatever it is, you can do both. And your kid still gets the benefit from any of it. From any time being barefoot, your kid gets benefits. Or from any time of doing an elimination communication, they get benefits. Like you can make the choices that you want, obviously at home, but I just encourage you to like, make sure you are and not just throwing in the towel at home because they're not following it at daycare because I do think that there is a lot of benefits still to be had all the time that your baby is having at home still so I feel like I could talk about this forever and I want to just like sit down with you and let you know that like this is such a tricky situation to be in and I'm so sorry that this is the situation that you are in again you are not powerless do not feel less than because you have a state voucher that you need to use for daycare.

20:06Like don't allow them, or I guess the daycare workers to make you feel like you are less of a customer to them because you're on the state voucher either. Like you are still a customer. So advocate, advocate, advocate and do what you can at home. Know that you are an incredible mom who cares so, so deeply and who wants to advocate. Like I'm proud to be on this motherhood journey with you. And I'm really, really excited to see that like you care so deeply because I think when just so many moms, as we all care so deeply about all of these things together, that's when like the next generation, change is going to be happened.

20:46So I'm so excited to see that like someone else is in this battle and is advocating for these things alongside of me. I hope all of that was helpful. You're incredible. Thank you so much for writing in. Now, if you're looking for advice, email me at learningtomompodcast.mommail at gmail.com with the subject line, MomMail, and then keep your ears open because we might just answer it on an upcoming episode. Now, this is the part that's hardest to talk about, but it's the part we must talk about. And we kind of already did when I shared my personal why. But even if your account is private, even if you trust your followers, the images you share of your child are still at risk.

21:30They can be downloaded, screenshot, saved, and then manipulated. And then here's where the AI risk ties in, which we'll get more into in a second. But here's what a major global review found. That child sexual exploitation and abuse is a global public health emergency. with an estimated 12.5 % of children are affected by technology-facilitated online sexual exploitation and abuse. Mom friend, this is real. This is happening. And you might think, but I'd never post anything risky. I believe you. I'd never assume that you do. But the reality is that innocent images can become tools for non-innocent uses.

22:18the sexual exploitation and abuse of children has become a multi-billion dollar industry. So when I say this is the biggest reason for me to stop posting my kids, it's this factor. The fear that someone could take what I thought was a safe moment and manipulate it into something deeply harmful. And you might have a different reason, but I invite you to ask yourself, What would happen if someone took a harmless image and repurposed it without your permission? And I know this is such like a deep and hard conversation to have and to think about. So I appreciate that you're having it with me. So moving right along, talking about consent, privacy, and your child's rights.

23:05Your child didn't ask to have their first bath posted to the Internet. They didn't agree to have their tantrum posted about. But we post anyway in the name of documentation, memory keeping, pride. But what about when they're older and they discover their life's digital footprint was created without their say so? What about when they search their name and find images they would have never wanted out there? Right. I mean, how many of us have gone to our old Facebook albums and have deleted whole albums of like eighth grade field trip to D.C.? Like no one needs to see those pictures. That's embarrassing.

23:41Remove or make private. And the same in college. Like I'm a whole different person. I don't want people having access to these pictures. Yet our kids won't have that choice because it's being created for them without their consent. And I always think back to a memory of my own childhood. I was about three years old and having a huge meltdown. My parents snapped a picture of this happening and put it in a photo album of mine. I was always so embarrassed by this. Now, I don't really care. And my parents definitely didn't add that picture to the photo album because they were being mean. I don't think they expected me to really think about it, let alone be thinking about it 25 years later.

24:23To them, it was just a memory. But to me, it was so embarrassing. And of course, now I don't care. Imagine how my kids would feel if I were putting that out there for thousands of you. Just, it's just crazy. Like it really is when we stop and think about it. I think we all need to apply some common sense and some empathy and really understand what it's like for our child going through this. And also, what message are we sending them about who they are? Are we saying you are your photo? You are your milestone? You are what I share? Or are we saying you are more than what is posted? You are your own person.

25:03You get to decide when and how you show up. For me, moving away, posting my kids felt like reclaiming their right to privacy. I wanted them to have a say in their exposure. I wanted them to have a digital start line they got to control. Now, lastly, let's talk about AI. We live in a time where the rules are changing. What used to be upload a snapshot is now that snapshot could be repurposed by an algorithm into something you literally can't imagine. This is just the risks, and I apologize if it's coming off as harsh, but I can't not say this stuff because I believe it needs to be said by someone.

25:47So when we post, we are giving data, our child's face, their voice, their body, their surroundings. That data is like fuel for AI, and that's scary. So here's my question for you. If you knew that the photo of your toddler could be used by someone else in a way that you can't control, would you still post it? I think a lot of us are just banking on hoping that no one we know, no one that's following us would do that. But we don't know that that's true. So what boundaries do you need to feel safe enough to say yes? I want you to answer that honestly for your family. So we've talked about big risks.

26:30Now I want to bring it home by talking about why parents pull back. Because I've talked to so many moms and each of us have a different reason. And that's okay. I don't really think that the reason matters that much. I think it's the decision that you make that matters. at the end of the day, this whole conversation, it's not about shaming others who post. It's about saying we deserve to choose with purpose. Our kids deserve to have a voice in how their digital selves are created. And if you're wondering, but what about sharing and celebrating my kid? Yes, you can. You just get to choose how. Maybe private albums, maybe sharing only silhouettes or back of head pics, maybe posting when they're older and can give consent.

27:15That's the beauty of conscious choices. All right, we've talked about the risks, talked about the why, we've talked about the reasons. Now let's talk about what next. So here are some things that you can do right now. Number one, audit your past posts. Go look at your feed. What photos of your children are public? What birthdates or names have you posted? Could someone piece together their identity from what you've shared? Secondly, tighten your privacy settings. Make sure you understand what private means on each platform. Who can see what? Create a family policy. Sit down and decide what will we post of our kids?

27:54Which accounts are shared? When will our kids decide for themselves? Getting clarity helps you stay consistent and just make sure that you're all on the same page about this. Moving on, share differently. If you want to share a cute moment, maybe send it via private message to grandparents instead of posting it on Instagram. Or use a private album, like Apple's shared album even. Also, talk to your kids, of course, when they're old enough. Let them know you're protecting their identity. Let them know they'll have a say in their online self. When they're older, invite their permission. Sixth, stay informed about AI developments.

28:30The tech is evolving freaking fast. Subscribe to trusted sources or alerts so you're aware of new risks. You're not in this alone. There are so many moms. I mean, I speak every day to moms, so that's who comes to mind. But parents, experts, there are so many in this. We are fighting together for this cause. You're definitely not alone if this is also lighting a little fire under your butt. And then lastly, lead with peace, not fear. This isn't about living in terror of what if. Although I will be the first one to say like that was the first reason that I stopped posting my own kids was the what if.

29:07instead to view it more as empowerment for your child. Because if you approach it from fear, you'll exhaust yourself. But if you approach it from love and protectiveness, you'll feel much better. Okay, sweet friend. Thanks for hanging in here with me. I know it was a lot and my fire for this can be fiery. We're nearing the end, but I want you to hear this. We can be the generation of moms who lead the change, who redefine what sharing looks like, who let our children grow into adulthood knowing they were protected, seen, and loved, but not exposed. Thank you for being here, for listening, for choosing to care enough to have this conversation.

29:57Hopefully this episode resonated with you. know that you're doing great. You are fierce. You are showing up and your kids are lucky to have you. Friend, thank you for listening to this episode. I hope it didn't come across as judgy, but instead maybe empowering and thought provoking, perhaps. Again, this topic fires me up like no other topic and not to be a broken record, but this is the last week to join the bestie tier and choose the annual plan because when you do, you'll be automatically entered into a special November giveaway where I'm reimbursing two besties for their entire year. I'll catch you right here next week, mom friend, or hopefully before inside the mom club.