Why Your Kid Is Wired the Way They Are and How to Parent Their Temperament with Dr. Danielle Dick | Ep. 149

0:00Okay, real fast, raise your hand if you've been wanting to swap to non-toxic skincare and makeup, but it's the price that's been holding you back. If that's you, then know right now Crunchy is running a 25 % off site-wide sale. This is bigger than their Black Friday sale.

0:17Dr. Danielle Dick:So seriously, now is the time to make the move. This ends tomorrow, July 7th, which is why I'm starting this podcast episode this way because it was such a short sale window. so I wanted to make sure you knew about it. And so that you're not so overwhelmed with choices, I have my favorite makeup products linked below in the show notes and my favorite skincare products. Head to learningtomompodcast.com slash makeup or learningtomompodcast.com slash skincare. For 25 % off the best non-toxic skincare and makeup that you can wear worry-free, whether you're pregnant, nursing, or just a busy mom. Again, those are both linked in the show notes below, but you definitely want to act on this if it's price that's been holding you back because this sale ends tomorrow.

1:07Dr. Danielle Dick:Understanding your kid's temperament can actually be helpful for you because you can know it's not all on your shoulders, right? You do not have to shape this person from scratch. Their brains are already doing all kinds of amazing things and shaping them into so many of their characteristics. And what we can do is learn to appreciate and see those characteristics, see our kids for the people they are, and then help accentuate those amazing parts of them and really celebrate them and teach them the lagging skills, the things that don't come naturally to them for the things that maybe can cause challenges.

1:55Hey, mom friend. Welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast, where you get tangible answers to all your motherhood questions without ever feeling judged, belittled, or overwhelmed. I'm Layla, your official mom friend, and here I do the asking and the experts do the answering, and you walk away with stuff you can actually use today. I'm so glad you found the Learning to Mom podcast. Each guest brings their own experience and perspective, so please note the content in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

2:28Dr. Danielle Dick, welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast.

2:32Dr. Danielle Dick:Thank you so much for having me, Layla. It's great to be here. Thanks so much for coming on. I'm so excited to ask you all these gazillion questions. But before we get into all that, can you just share a little bit about yourself and what the Child Code is all about? Yes. So in my day job, I lead a large addiction and mental health research center. So I lead the Rutgers Addiction Research Center. It has about 150 researchers who span everything from basic neuroscience, trying to understand how brains work, all the way through to intervention, prevention, treatment. How do we work with individuals from children all the way up through adults who are experiencing problems and get them to a better place.

3:17Dr. Danielle Dick:And my own work is on how our genetic predispositions come together with our environments and our lives to influence the people that we become and our behaviors. And of course, that becomes very relevant when raising our kids. Fascinating. I think in another life, I would love to have been a psychologist. So I'm so excited for this conversation. I want to start off with, I think this might just be a good kind of baseline question. So many moms feel like their child's behavior is a reflection of their own parenting. Now, kind of with the whole spiel that you just shared there, what would you say to that?

4:04Dr. Danielle Dick:So that is actually one of the major reasons that I wrote the book. So I wrote The Child Code because when I had my own son, I found myself, oh, the irony, raising the high-risk child that I study. Super impulsive, super emotional. And for me, the research was really what saved my sanity because I understood what was going on and what I could do about it. And yet I looked around and I saw so many of my amazing, smart, competent, Other parent friends, mostly moms, who if their children were not perfectly behaved, were struggling in some way, were not always being the dreamy little kids we imagined having before we actually had kids, then they would think, oh my gosh, what am I doing wrong?

4:56Dr. Danielle Dick:They were kind of riddled with self-doubt and worry or what's wrong with my child. And so I really wrote The Child Code because I realized so much of the research, which we spend a lot of time talking to other researchers and other scientists and writing about it in scientific journals. But I realized it was not getting into the hands of moms, of the people who could use it to help them understand their kids' behavior and then think about what that means for their own parenting. So the way that I structured my book is that the first part is kind of all about the science, but in a very user-friendly, easy-to-read way about understanding what shapes kids' behavior, the science behind how much is genetic, how much is environment, and how those two things come together.

5:45Dr. Danielle Dick:And I sometimes jokingly say to parents, if you are willing to take my word for it and you don't really care about the science of how we know that kids' behavior is shaped by their genes and their environment. You can just skip that part. And then the middle of the book is surveys. So these are really questions that you can answer about your kid's behavior to help you figure out where they fall on three of these major temperamental dimensions. These are the same kinds of questions we ask in research projects, except this is just short little surveys. So you can get a sense of where your kid falls on these three big temperamental areas, which we can talk more about.

6:28Dr. Danielle Dick:And then the third part of the book is really talking about, okay, so if your kiddo is higher or lower on each of these areas, what kinds of parenting strategies work better or worse for kids whose brains are kind of wired that way, right? And there's the other, you know, surprise piece here is that, of course, it's not just our kids who have genetic predispositions. We all have genetic predispositions too. So there are little surveys for you to fill out about yourself too. So that can help you think about what are maybe some of the places where your kiddo and you are matched on characteristics, and that sometimes makes it easier.

7:15Dr. Danielle Dick:And sometimes, for example, if you're both highly emotional, can make it harder. And it also can help explain why sometimes your partner is not at all bothered by something that your child is doing, or they see it as not a big deal, but it just drives you crazy. And that's because, you know, all of us parents have brains that are wired differently too. So that's a little bit about how I wrote the book, was to make it user-friendly so that you could kind of handhold parents through understanding where your kiddo falls on some of these big, important temperament characteristics. And then how do you practically apply that in your parenting of your own child or each of your unique kiddos?

8:01Mm-hmm. Okay. So before I found this, I was very self-conscious in my skin because of my horrible acne. I want to even look at myself in the mirror because I knew it would tank my self-confidence. And now I am literally showing up online completely makeup-free. Their skincare has helped my skin so much. And now as a mom, I love that I can put on my makeup and get ready for the day and still kiss my kids a thousand times because I don't have to worry about the harmful toxic chemicals that are being transferred from my face to theirs. So if you also want to feel confident in your skin and kiss your kids without any stress, now is the time to swap to Crunchy because they are running a 25 % off site-wide sale right now, but it ends tomorrow.

8:56And because I know a whole website can be so very overwhelming. I linked my favorite makeup and skincare products for you so you're not overwhelmed. Head to learningtomompodcast.com slash makeup or learningtomompodcast.com slash skincare. Both right in the show notes for that 25 % off. Go, go, go, go before you forget because

9:22Dr. Danielle Dick:it literally ends tomorrow. Yeah, that's so helpful for everyone listening who hasn't checked out the book yet. So diving into part one for a moment, what are the biggest takeaways that the science says related to a child's temperament being formed? So one of the things that we know, and this has been shown time and time again, there's no question about this in the scientific literature, is that kids' behavior, and in fact, almost all behaviors that have been studied, is partly due to our genes and partly due to our environment. So our kids, whatever temperament you're thinking of, anxiety, impulsivity, emotionality, as they get older, depressive tendencies, ADHD, some of these more clinical manifestations, the heritability, which basically just means how much is due to genes and how much is due to the environment.

10:19Dr. Danielle Dick:As a rule of thumb, about 50 % of behavior tends to be heritable or due to our genes. About half of the differences in those kids' characteristics on that dimension are due to differences in their DNA, differences in the way that their brains were wired toward that trait. And the other half is due to differences in their environment. And so this is a key piece, right? Genes are really important. They play a big role in kids' behavior, but they're not the determining factor, right? It's not the final word. And so that's where us as parents and the environment can really play a big role because what we can do is accentuate some of those great tendencies that they have, right?

11:12Dr. Danielle Dick:We can help them see them as gifts and nurture them. And we can help essentially teach them skills that maybe don't come naturally to them based on the way their brains are wired, right? So some kids are naturally more impulsive. That doesn't mean that they will never learn to sit in a seat and work at a computer one day, right? But it means it might be harder for them to sit in their seat as kids or at the dinner table, and it's going to be a longer road, and you're going to have to be more intentional about how to help them learn those skills that don't come to them naturally. As opposed to you might, somebody else is going to have a kiddo who, you know, will perfectly happily sit in their seat and color for hours or sit at the dinner table.

12:02Dr. Danielle Dick:And those are the parents that then look at other parents and think, well, what are you doing wrong that your child's bouncing all over the dinner table, right? It's like, well, no, we just have kids who are wired differently. That is not a one of us is doing something better or worse as a parent. So a lot of the differences we see between kids is differences in their natural tendencies, which are a reflection of the way their brains are wired and the genetic code they were born with. The other thing that influences how those neurons continue to connect and grow is our environment too, right? Like when you take your toddler to the library, if they sit nicely during story hour and you have a great time, they have a great time, you're probably going to keep taking them to the library.

12:50Dr. Danielle Dick:If they run around and pull all the books off the shelves and parents are giving you dirty looks and the librarian is like, can you please get your child under control? You're probably not going to choose the library next time for your fun bonding activity, you instead might take them to the park. And so the point is environments are not random. Our kids also help shape their environments and they can help us understand what environments are better fits for them. And we'll talk some about that. But it's this idea that we call it gene environment correlation, meaning our genes are related to our environments and it starts showing up in toddlers in the way we just talked about.

13:37Dr. Danielle Dick:But now imagine I have an adolescent. Adolescents now start to have more autonomy and more freedom. And so the ones that are more impulsive, more sensation-seeking, they might be more likely to be the ones who are, you know, trying to sneak into those parties that we maybe don't want them to. Whereas the ones that are more anxious naturally, for example, might be more nervous to try new things. They're less likely to put themselves in new environments. And so it's our genes and our genes then shape our environments. And so part of what we can do as parents is help shape those environmental experiences to be good fits with the way our kids are wired.

14:25Dr. Danielle Dick:We call that goodness of fit, meaning kids thrive when there is a good fit between their natural temperament and the environment that they're in. And they will sometimes help us understand that, but we also as parents can be intentional about that too. So now talking about the second part of the book, that you're talking about those questions that we can be reflecting on to kind of figure out where our kid lands. What are some of those questions? So I call these three big temperamental dimensions the three E's. And this is not something you'll see in the scientific literature. This is just my heuristic for remembering them.

15:09Dr. Danielle Dick:But what they are is basically in studies that have been done with literally tens of thousands of kids all around the world. These are big temperamental areas that consistently emerge. First E is extroversion. So how much does your child naturally like to be around other people, like lots of hustle and bustle, get energy from that, versus they are more introverted, right? They prefer more quiet time. We talk about this a lot in adults, right? All of us can probably say, oh, you know, how extroverted or introverted are you? but we don't talk about it as much in our kids. But yet it still plays a big role in kind of some of the family frustrations we run into.

15:53Dr. Danielle Dick:And we can get into that. The second one is emotionality. So some kids are just wired toward what you sometimes hear called big feelings, right? That these are the kids that are quick to fear, frustration, anger, the ones who kind of, you know, get upset, quote unquote, over nothing, right? They seem to have really like disproportionate reactions to whatever the situation is. And some kids are just naturally quicker to that emotionality than other kids. And the last one is what is called effortful control. and basically what it refers to is impulsivity. So some kids are just more impulsive. It takes more effort for them to actually regulate and control their behavior than other kids for whom it comes much more naturally.

16:51Dr. Danielle Dick:But these are kind of three big areas that depending on where your child falls on these dimensions, it can help you think about whether some of that might be causing pain points in your relationship with your little person and how to tailor your parenting to essentially best support them and reduce some of these challenges that we might be experiencing as parents and that they might be having as kiddos. Okay, so helpful. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of MomMail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario.

17:34Basically, you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering today. Hello, Layla. My name is because I always do this anonymously and I am such a huge fan. I love that you have this segment where mom and dads can write in with our tricky situations. It's so refreshing to hear your honest advice and it's always incredibly helpful. I've been a listener since season one and your podcast helped me through my first pregnancy I've learned so much from listening and has helped me become more educated and and and informed about today's world of parenting here's my sticky situation my daughter is now 18 months back in April we both came down with the flu and we ended up sleeping together on the couch because it was the easiest way for me to comfort her through her coughing fits and frustration of not being able to blow her nose during that time she also weaned herself off the bottle.

18:28Since then, I've been stuck on the couch with her for the past three months. We've had a few successful nights where I've been able to get her back into her crib, but most nights it just doesn't work. I work nights and when I come home, my husband is on the couch with her, but then she wakes up and wants me to soothe her back to sleep. As a bonus, she only wants me. At this point, I think we're in it more for the emotional support she gets from having me close by. She's always been attached to my shirts and will cuddle with them for comfort. She's actually done that since she was about three months old to help a separation.

19:00I recently listened to your episode with the sleep expert where she discussed waiting until age three to transition to a toddler bed, but I'm feeling a little lost. My thought is to transition her to a floor bed in her own room, Montessori style, where I can easily come in and out to comfort her while still giving her a space that feels cozy and secure. I need advice. My husband and I aren't exactly on the same page about this. I'm the one sleeping on the couch every night and I'd love some honest guidance. Does this sound like a reasonable approach or am I missing something? P.S. I miss my own bed.

19:31Thank you for all that you do. Holy cow, friend. First and foremost, I cannot believe that you've been sleeping on the couch for the last three months. That is actually like insane and that just sucks because no way are you getting the quality sleep that you need, especially like working nights and then coming back. Oh, that just, oh my gosh. I really cannot imagine. I would be at my wits end if I were you. Loved all the details. It is hard to say when you said I need advice. My husband and I are exactly on the same page about this. I guess it's hard to say like, cause I do, I think you're fine.

20:15I think you can totally switch to a monastery bed, but I would floor style, but I would love to give more insight. And I don't know exactly what his, why he doesn't think that's the case. Maybe it's just because he listened to that episode. Um, and he's like, let's just wait until three. There's so many people that have been so successful with floor beds. Like, obviously I love my guests. I vet them really heavily. Um, I think their advice is sound and they're saying it with the expertise and the credentials and all of the thousands of people that they have helped. But you know your kid best. You at the end of the day, as the parent, you trump all.

20:56You know your kid best. So many families just go straight to a floor bed. And if they can do it, you can do it. So that's kind of my advice. I don't think you're being unreasonable or you're missing anything. I would just make sure that you like yeah do all the things like baby proof that room basically make the whole room like it's a crib so that it's as safe as possible um I also think it's a pretty good idea because if you end up going in there to sleep with her like you're more comfortable on a floor bed than you will be on the couch most likely especially if you just like put her on a twin mattress um something to note about floor beds is that they can't, they will capture mold unless you put something underneath it.

21:49So just look that up, check out different brands. We don't do floor beds. So I don't have any like specific brands in mind or anything, but I do know that floor beds be like, you have to have something underneath or in between the mattress and the floor. It's like a teeny tiny little mat. Otherwise though, it holds moisture and it leads to mold. So just a tip there. And yeah, I just can't believe you're doing this. I really hope that it works out and that you can transition her to the floor bed. I actually, was this? Yeah, no. And something that I wanted to remind you about that that expert said that I do think is so smart is that however you start that transition hold like don't start it by saying anything like you know you can come out or when you wake up in the morning you can get out of your bed and go to your bookshelf and read some books like make sure it from day one in that floor bed that to her it's still a like crib so that she doesn't know anything different like I'm gonna put you to bed and I will come and I will get you in the morning.

23:04But again, I wish I had more. I wish I could help you more in approaching this with your husband because I don't think you're at a loss. Like my words of advice, what I would say at the beginning again is like so many families do it. If they can do it, you can do it. So I just wish I knew like his specific points because I would be able to speak to that. But thank you so much for all of your kind words and for listening and for writing in. And I really hope this works out because I want you to be able to sleep in your own bed as well. So if you're looking for advice, email me at learningtomompodcast.mommail at gmail.com with the subject line mom mail.

23:45And then keep your ears open because we might just answer it in an upcoming episode. This is all making so much sense. And the personality test lover in me is loving this. I will take any personality test that comes across ever. Like I, this is just so my jam. So I'm really, really loving this conversation. Moving into your part three of the book with figuring out, okay, now that my kid is da, da, da, da, da, da, what do we do? But my first question for you related to this is the whole idea. Let's say you have a child, this is just the example that came to me. Let's say you have a child that's more anxious, a little bit more shy, I don't know, you know, activities, there might just be trying to cling to mom and doesn't really get out there and try the activity that they came for.

24:42Should we say, okay, you know, that's totally fine. Come sit on my lap. Or do we need to be like, you know, in the real world, you have to learn how to get out there?

24:53Dr. Danielle Dick:That's such a great question. And it's such a hot button. People have strong feelings about this. So yes, let's take that example of extroversion, introversion. And, you know, the anxiety, fearfulness, and the shyness is kind of related to that. Although in the book, I do talk a little bit about the difference between being shy and being introverted, right? Shyness really about where energy comes from, right? Yeah. Introversion is more about like, it's my preference. It's my preference to sit and color and draw and read and, you know, be with a close friend. And that's perfectly fine, right? Shyness is maybe I want to be around people more, but I'm nervous about it, right?

25:37Dr. Danielle Dick:Or it makes me anxious. And so it starts to create a disconnect between what I actually want and my ability to do it. And so that's a little bit where shyness starts to come in, is that there is a more anxious element to it. But with respect to this, how much do you push your child versus not, et cetera? Yes. I want to be clear that when I talk about goodness of fit and how we can shape our environments, you know, to reduce friction and whatnot. I am not at all talking about you are now going to just do what your child wants to do, right? That's not what this is about. Because as you were getting at, you know, part of our job is to teach our children.

26:24Dr. Danielle Dick:And all of us, as we're growing, that requires being out of our comfort zones a little bit. But to help, you know, put some meat on these bones. I'm going to give you an example of my own child and I struggled with this area. So I talked about we often create environments and as parents with our small children, often the activities we're planning and the environment that we are creating for our child is a reflection of our personalities and temperaments. So when my son was little, I would, you know, we'd be sitting there having breakfast together in the morning and I would say, guess what? Today we're going to the park and we're meeting up with so-and-so and so-and-so.

27:07Dr. Danielle Dick:And you remember their kids are, you know, Leah and this, and then we're going to see Liam and we're going to see Grayson. And next thing I knew, like, you know, the cereal bowl is getting swept off the table and he said, I'm not going. And then of course it's, you know, well, yes, you're going, right? Like we've made plans. I've committed to this. And he then doubled down. And next thing shoes are being thrown, and then you're a young man that's not acceptable behavior, and you don't have to have a PhD to know this is going nowhere good. It's certainly not going to a fun day together in the park.

27:41Dr. Danielle Dick:And this happened enough times that, again, even with this knowledge is background, I was like, hmm, let's think about this. What I realized was that this family friction point was resulting from the fact that my child, and to this day, I just sent him off to college, he is naturally more introverted. You know, he, his preference is to be around a few close friends. And now, as a young person, can he be out in social settings? Can we go to the park with lots of people? You know, we're not doing a lot of that at 18, but absolutely. He has learned those skills, but it's still not his preference.

28:27Dr. Danielle Dick:But at three, four, his little toddler brain did not have the wherewithal to say, oh, mom, the idea of being with a lot of people that I don't know in a place I'm not familiar with feels very overwhelming and makes me feel very anxious. I'm nervous about that. Instead, he's throwing shoes and sweeping the cereal bowl off the table because that's, you know, the only way he knows to react with that, oh my gosh, I'm overwhelmed here. And really what it was is he didn't have the skills. It didn't come naturally to him, and it created a lot of anxiety. And what I was doing by saying, get a spot, we're going to go to the park and we're going to hang out with all these friends, was the equivalent of throwing a child who didn't know how to swim into the deep end of a pool.