You Don't Find Your Village, You Build It | Ep. 151

0:00I want to take you back to a specific night for me. I'm sitting in a room full of my friends, people I've known forever, and I have never felt more alone my entire life. I was the first of all of them to become a mom, and I just felt so lonely. I'm sitting there. We're talking about the normal, same old stuff, work plans, going out, we're catching up, and I'm nodding along, but inside I'm just thinking like none of you get it. And I say that not because like, wow, none of you got how hard my life has become. And I'm so much better than you because now I'm a mom, but more like holy freaking cow.

0:39Not one of you understands what just happened to my entire life and the huge shift that I've just gone through. My whole identity had shifted the way I saw the world, the way I moved through a day and what I got done and prioritized and what I worried about before I fell asleep at night, all of it had changed overnight. And if you're a mom, you understand this exact sensation, like you become a mom and your whole world changes in an instant. And I was the only one in that room living in that new world. Everyone else was still in the old one. And that exact feeling, sitting in a room full of people and feeling completely unseen, is one of the loneliest times I've ever felt, which is why I knew I needed to create a village for myself of moms who get me and support me.

1:29The only issue was how. Like I said, I was the first of my friends to become a mom, so I didn't have a friend group who was going through this transition alongside of me. It would be years before my friends even thought about becoming parents. I needed to find mom friends and create a village for myself that I didn't feel so alone. So if that's where you are right now, or maybe you have a support system already, but you want it to be stronger, or you need a completely different village, then this episode is for you. Welcome back to the Learning to Mom podcast, where we don't shy away from the hard parts of motherhood, but we don't camp out there complaining about it either.

2:08We talk about the real stuff and the tangible tools to move through it. Because motherhood is also full of so much joy, fun, and peace. I'm so glad you're here, mom friend. If you're new here, I'm Layla, your official mom friend. Welcome. Each expert guest comes with their own experience and background. So please note that the content in this podcast is designed for general educational purposes only and not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Let's get into this week's episode. So the first thing that I want to say about building your village and creating your village and blah, blah, blah, is I like I want you to hear this before you hear me say anything else.

2:50If motherhood feels lonely and isolating to you, I want you to know that you are not doing it wrong. But it feels hard because it is hard. Like we were never, ever meant to do this alone. Think about it. For basically all of human history, women raise their babies completely surrounded by other women in community. Their moms, their sisters, their aunts, the neighbors, the older women who'd already done it and could say, oh, yeah, that's normal. Let me hold her so you can sleep. you know the the very like actual primal village feel or even if we if you live outside the states then maybe it's very normal in your culture in your country to live multi-generally generationally how do i say that word whereas in the states that is not the case at all so just know that like you were never the only adult in charge of a tiny human for 12 hours straight with no one to hand them to.

3:49This is a brand new concept because never before in history has motherhood been this isolating. We are kind of one of the first generations running this experiment of doing it mostly alone in our own separate houses and then wondering why we feel like we're losing it. So that loneliness you feel is not personal failing. I just want you to know that. It is your mind and your body even going like, hey, this was supposed to come with people So just a little small reminder and a note of encouragement first. It's not just you. And it's not because you're bad at this. You're doing a job that was designed for a whole group by yourself.

4:30Of course, it's heavy. Now that we got that out of the way, I want to talk about before building a village, I want to redefine what a village even is. I think we have to fix this picture in our head because I think the picture is half the problem, truly. When we hear village, I think a lot of us imagine this picture-perfect Instagram fantasy, like six best friends dressed super cute, raising their kids together, and someone always has a casserole, and there's random playdates on Tuesdays at three in the afternoon, and no one's ever lonely, and everybody just shows up for each other. And it's like this beautiful image.

5:12And for almost all of us, it is just not real. So then when we look at our actual life, which is like a group chat we forgot to answer, or a neighbor that we wave at when we cross paths, and we go, well, I guess I don't have a village, and we just give up before we even start. So here's how I want you to think about it instead. Your village is people who know what's going on in your life and would show up if you need them. So before we go one step further, hear me out. You probably have more of a village than you think. It just doesn't look like the image that's been depicted or been told like, this is how a village should be and look and here's this viral reel of my village.

5:58Like it doesn't look like that and that is okay. And that just builds on really the point of today's episode that I want to talk about today is that you don't find a village necessarily. I believe wholeheartedly in that you build one and you build it by being a good village member first. I know that deep in my bones because nobody went first for me. and again it's hard even talking about this because now that my friends from like my old friend group always say old friend group as if that friend group doesn't exist anymore that's not the case like from that older group of friends that I had prior to motherhood now all now those women are becoming moms so it's a little like almost awkward for me to talk about if you're listening I do not want you to feel bad you truly had no idea what I was going through nor did you know what I needed or how you could show up for me.

6:55Like, how could you? You had never gone through it. But yeah, it was genuinely hard in that season until I, you know, quote unquote, built my village. But I will say like those same friends, as I mentioned, are entering motherhood now. And I've had so many of them come to me and legitimately apologize. Like, I'm so sorry. I had no idea what you were going through. I didn't get it. And I wasn't there for you the way that I should have been. I get that. That is a common conversation that I have with these women. Because again, like, I mean, and that's why I don't fault them. Like they just didn't know.

7:36And they weren't bad friends. Like they just hadn't walked it yet. They literally could not understand a road that they hadn't been down. And even recently, I had that conversation with one of my husband's friends who apologized to me and he was like, wow, I just never got it before and now I do and I see that I wasn't a good friend to you guys at that time. I'm so sorry. Like just holy cow, even our husband's village changes in parenthood. So here's what I want you to do with that and why I say that. If there's someone in your life right now who isn't showing up for you the way that you wish they would, give them some grace.

8:16They might just not get it yet. Their season is coming. I'm curious if this is your story. You've rewashed the same load of laundry more times than you can count. You pull it out, go to fold it, and it smells. You've tried the so-called clean detergents, but they leave everything kind of weirdly scented in a bad way, or they just don't get the stains out, or they literally still don't smell clean. So you cave, and you go back to the heavy-duty stuff that you know is full of junk, but at least you don't smell bad when you wear your clothes. So you start to feel like you have to pick one, safe or effective.

8:52So if that's you, hear me on this because you do not actually have to choose. The detergent we use in our home is called Truly Free and it genuinely does both. My husband actually approves and he is very, very picky when it comes to this stuff. And it is truly non-toxic. So I'm not standing there wondering what my kids are sleeping in or wearing against their skin all day. We do at least a load a day in this house so having something that actually works and that I feel good about is not a small thing. So if you've sworn off clean detergents because they flopped on you, do not give up yet. This is the one worth trying.

9:28The link is in the show notes. Use my code learning to mom for 30 % off anything on their site. Start with their laundry detergent. We even use the unscented one, it's a game changer. There was no one ahead of me in this motherhood journey to come, you know, scoot me up or really show up for me in the ways that I needed to. So I really had two options, which was one, stay lonely and wait to be rescued, or two, become the exact thing that I was wishing someone would be for me. And I think this is where so many of us get stuck. We are sitting around waiting, waiting to be invited, waiting for someone to notice that we're drowning and bring the casserole to our door.

10:13But the women who have the strongest villages almost all found them by going first, by being the first one who showed up, who reached out, who asked the awkward, uncomfortable, scary even, hey, you want to hang out question. So before we dive in, I just want to encourage you to stop waiting for your village to arrive. Go be somebody's village and watch what comes back. Because moving on to the... Because moving on, and I do have to be really clear about something because I don't want you to hear, go be everyone's village and run yourself into the freaking ground because that is not what I'm saying.

10:57In fact, I have tried that and it's made me exhausted and way too burnt out to show up well for my own family. So zero out of 10 recommend. But going first when creating your village does not mean saying yes to everyone. It does not mean being an unlimited resource that every single person gets to draw from whenever they want. And I'll be honest, that's real for me right now. Like I'm in this intense season right now, currently as I record this episode of prepping for baby number three, getting ready for maternity leave. Because if I don't give myself a maternity leave, I don't get to take maternity leave.

11:39Like it's not, you know, not working for a corporation. It's the podcast. It's myself. So like whatever I don't prep for, I'm going to suffer in postpartum because I would really love a maternity leave. So I just don't have the capacity for everyone right now. And there are relationships that I've had to let get quieter because I only have so much to give right now, both in time and in mental capacity, and I have to be a good steward of it. So there is a discernment piece here. You go first on purpose with the people you actually want a real mutual village with. I'm not talking about the taker.

12:17We all know those people who are takers. That's not you being a bad friend. That's just you building the right village instead of burning yourself down for the wrong one. And when you're in a season when you have nothing to give, like a newborn season that I'll have coming up, you're allowed to mostly receive. It evens out over a lifetime, not over a Tuesday, and not over a three-month postpartum period. One of the books we read in our mom club on Patreon for book club was I was told that there would be a village by Melissa Wirt. If you're a bestie on Patreon, you can go back and listen to that book club meeting.

12:59I won't go into it too much because I personally didn't love that book. Like no shade, but they were, I don't know. I just like, didn't really do a ton for me. There were a few big takeaways for me though, from that book still. And one of which was we give back to our village when we can over time. Like I said, it's not, oh, they brought me a meal. So now I owe them a meal next Tuesday. It's a big web of everyone being connected. So like this was, I guess, the second takeaway of like being it being a big web of everybody being connected. So like people, you know, and people you don't know. So for example, you pour into Sarah by dropping off a bag of groceries when she's postpartum.

13:45Sarah then pays it forward by going to Lucy's nesting party and cleaning her windows. Lucy pays it forward by running an errand for you when you've had a really busy week. It's all about giving to who you can when you have the time and energy in the way that you're able to. It's not a one-time thing. It's like this huge interconnected web. When we show up and serve someone when they need it. They're able to show up and serve someone else when they need it. And eventually that reciprocity, gosh, how do I say that word?

14:23Reciprocity, there we go, makes its way back to you. Talking about what this looks like when it works, let me show you the payoff because I am living it right now. At the time that I'm recording this, One of my best friends just threw me a nesting party two days ago. So I'm still very much riding on a high from that day, feeling so, so loved. I also love a nesting party. I am team nesting party over baby shower for subsequent babies every single time. But this was my first time having a nesting party myself. If you haven't heard of one, instead of another baby shower where you get stuff you really don't need, people come over and help you nest, like help you set up the house, prep freezer meals, organize, clean, get it all ready so you can actually rest after the baby comes.

15:19And it is especially helpful with subsequent pregnancies because it is so easy to nest when it is your first, right? But then when it is not your first, it is so hard to find the time to organize and get your life together and like the house already and stuff because you're just running around mothering the children that you already have. You're not even resting. So it's very hard to nest. And it's very hard to organize a cabinet or get your postpartum cart ready or whatever you need when your kids are then just disorganizing everything right behind you. So I'm in a season where I feel like I have nothing to give back right now.

16:06Kind of talked about this a little bit earlier. For the last few weeks, I just feel like I'm treading water, truly. Like I'm trying to get ahead with the podcast so that I can have a maternity leave. Obviously, I still have two kids at home. So when I try to prep or do something productive, it's not at all productive. And my energy is so, so low as I am nearing my due date. So my first instinct when she offered to host it, obviously I was so excited when my friend said she wanted to throw this for me. But it also felt very weird to have these women come over to nest because I hadn't earned it.

16:37But at the same time, like that's the whole point of a village. You don't earn it. You don't keep score. But I have, I guess, poured into the web enough over the last four years of my motherhood journey that like that reciprocity then is coming back to me. So like one of these women, I wasn't able to make, I wasn't able to bring a meal over when she had her baby because I was in first trimester and the thought of food just made me throw up, you know, but like she still came over and poured into me because at least my belief was, you know, for the last four years, I have been like pouring into this web and I've been pouring into others when I have the mental capacity and the time.

17:23and she's been able to benefit from that and so on and so forth, right? So you don't keep score. And the reason I even have this friend throwing me this party is that for years we went first for each other, like back and forth in the seasons we had, each something to give. So now in my empty season, I get to receive because of deposits that we've made a long time ago. And then here's kind of the part of the nesting party that just kind of like hit me, I guess. Remember how I opened this episode, like sitting in a room full of friends and just feeling totally alone? Like not one person in that room got me.

17:58Well, fast forward to a few days ago at this nesting party, and I'm in a room full of people again. And some were the same people, but a lot of it was most were new people in my village. And like these women just showed up for me. And my mom and my sister who were there literally told me afterwards that they like barely recognized anyone. Like who are all these women? Because this is a whole new village. One that I went out and built. And I want you to sit with that for a second because it's kind of wild. Like the room that used to make me feel so alone. Not because they were bad friends at all.

18:36And I want to keep saying that just because like they didn't get the shift. And once you go through the shift, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But that room that was just full of my village the other day, they're completely different people. I made this whole new community. And sure, there's still a little overlap. And a couple of those original friends have eventually, like, entered motherhood and kind of get it. And I love that. But truly, these people that I have found over the last four years, like, I went and found on purpose one awkward hello at a time. who even knows what that room looks like in another four years because seasons come and go and your village shifts right along with you and your life.

19:21And that is not a sad thing. That's just how it works, which by the way, is exactly why you give people grace. The friend who can't show up for you right now might be front and center in four years, or they might not. And either way, it's okay. But this is what it looks like when you build it by going first. You bank it and it's there when you finally need to draw on it. Which leads me to saying that I know like the idea of go be someone's village can sound like a really big exhausting job. It does not have to be. Going first is small. My favorite picture of this is how our church does meal trains.

19:58So when somebody has a baby, there's a sign up that's sent out to all these women who have opted in to be a part of this meal train ministry. There's just like a sign up that goes out. You pick a day and you bring that family dinner on that day. Everybody takes their one little turn and that family gets fed for weeks as they're adjusting to life with a new baby at home. And not one single person is then burned out because not one single person is making all the meals, right? Nobody's being everything to everyone all the time. Everybody's just taking like one small doable turn and stacked together, that's a village.

20:35Or it can start as small as you sending a text to a new friend you met and inviting her kid over for a play date in your backyard. And if you're in the mom club, then I share ideas for how you can show up as a strong village member to those around you at the end of this episode. Okay, let me actually tell you what the mom club is because it is so much more than I can fit into one teeny tiny little ad. It's where you get every episode full and uncut. You get those episodes two whole weeks early and you get them ad free with video. You get a bonus exclusive episode every single month. If you join at our besties level, you get our monthly book club zoom where we actually see each other's faces and talk and you get access to a private community of the most like-minded supportive moms who just get it.

21:24So yes, it's a ton of content, but it's also about belonging. It's about finding like moms, finding community. So come find them at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. That's below in the show notes for you. I cannot wait to welcome you in and become real mom friends inside. But I do also want to talk about how you can like build your life around your village too, because there's more than one kind of village that I have to talk about. And it's a little different from everything else I've said. So far, I have mostly been talking about friendships, the ones you go out and make, right? But you can also build your actual life, like your physical day-to-day environment around who you're seeing and who you're connecting with.

22:13And I don't think we talk about that enough. So here's what I mean. We recently moved. And when we were deciding if this house was the right choice for us, we went back and forth so hard because we were so torn between the house, like this house, and then just, you know, is like, because it was basically this house or figure something else out, and that other, the something else out would have been land because we would love land. but what tipped it for us and I'm super grateful we did choose the way that we did the neighborhood kid this neighborhood has kids playing outside all the time and it has been the sweetest thing for like this season of life with our little kids the kids next door will literally come knock on our door and invite my kids over to play in their backyard almost every day there's another neighbor down the street who has our oldest over to play on their playset with her son.

23:14In the evening, the parents hang out on a neighbor's front porch and we all just watch our kids ride their bikes or on the cul-de-sac. And if a neighbor runs out of milk or sugar or needs an egg, we just send out a text. Anyone have an extra cup of sugar? And someone always does. We are living with a village now. It's not a scheduled one. It doesn't take 30 minutes to get there or 15 minutes to get there. It's literally next door. And it's just built around our daily life. And I am so, so grateful for that. And being honest, the crunchy mom in me still daydreams about land someday. But for this season with these little ages, choosing to literally live closer to people, to be in the thick of kids and neighbors and living life on the front porches has been one of the best decisions that we've made.

24:03Like we love it here. So remember, you were never meant to do this alone. Sometimes building your village isn't just about the friends you go find. Sometimes it's about the life that you intentionally build around yourself so that connection is just baked right in. So if you're sitting in that room right now, surrounded by people and still feeling completely alone, hear me one more time. It feels hard because it is hard. You were never meant to do this alone. you don't have to wait for this village to find you you get to build it just one brave hello one meal one stroller walk one knock on a neighbor's door at a time and I'm definitely proof that you can build it from absolutely nothing because the room that used to make me feel so alone is not the room I'm in anymore you can build a new village too I am so glad you listened to this episode mom friend because you're listening to this podcast I know how much you value different perspectives and ideas.

25:04And that's exactly what the mom club book club is for. We read a parenting book together each month, and then we chat about it over zoom. You'll hear a variety of approaches, celebrate wins and get ideas to try in real life. In one book club meeting, a mom told us all via zoom, you guys are my people. And I felt that to my core. Some moms come without even reading the book because they just want the conversation in the community. And they still add so dang much the conversation. It's where I truly get to become mom friends with you, which is why it's my favorite part. But it, I mean, seriously, it's my favorite thing of the mom club.

25:39I look forward to it every single month. So come find your people and join the best book club, in my humble opinion, at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. As always, the links in the show notes below for you.