Your Toddler Isn’t Giving You a Hard Time, They’re Having a Hard Time with Transforming Toddlerhood | Ep. 143

0:00We think that toddlers should be able to control their feelings and emotions enough to not have a tantrum. when developmentally their brains are very immature and the part of the brain that's responsible for impulse control emotional regulation logical thinking empathy is a lot harder for kids to access and stay there so you're going to see toddlers having all types of emotionally driven behavior because the part of the brain responsible for emotions and the stress response has developed more greatly at this point in time than the upper brain where the higher functions happen. Hey, mom friend, welcome to the learning to mom podcast.

0:42First off, I'm your official mom friend, Layla. Here you get the answers to all your gazillion first-time mom questions as I ask experts all our motherhood questions and seek tangible information without making you feel overwhelmed. Please note that the content presented in this podcast is designed for general education purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. You're going to get a lot out of this week's episode, so let's get right into it, mom friend. Devin, welcome to the Learning to Mom podcast. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me.

1:16I'm so excited. I'm so glad. When you reached out, I was so thrilled to be able to pick your brain. So thanks for reaching out and for coming on. I'm just so excited because I'm so passionate about toddlerhood. And it's such a interesting, exciting, and challenging time period that I love talking about. No, it really is because they're not babies, but they're not kids yet. And it's just kind of like, what do we do? What do we do? So anywho, I think today's going to be really great. Before we get into the meat of today's episode, could you just tell us a little bit about yourself and what transforming toddlerhood is all about.

1:55So I have a degree in psychology with a focus in child development, and I started transforming toddlerhood in 2018. I spent many years as a nanny for high profile families all over the world, working in so many different families with so many different kids and family dynamics. And I started to realize that there was a lot of misunderstandings happening between toddlers and parents, especially in these early stages of toddlerhood when toddlers do not have a good grasp of expressive language. So they're not able to tell us with words what they want or need, but they are so desperately trying to communicate with us what they want and need in so many ways that we find as adults unacceptable, right?

2:40All the crying and kicking and screaming and all the things. And so that really was the premise for starting Transforming Toddlerhood back in 2018, this idea that toddlers are terrible. I want to dispel that myth and help parents understand that while, yes, it is a very challenging developmental period, it's also a critical developmental period that sets the stage for the rest of your child's life in terms of their brain development and emotional resilience. So what we do during this time really counts. And we have an opportunity to make a really big difference in our kids' lives. And that's also why I went on to write my book, Transforming Toddlerhood, which is an all-in-one quick reference guide for every challenge you might face during really parenting a child ages one to five.

3:27Beautiful. I love what you said about toddlerhood is not terrible. That is something that I will literally correct people in public, in the grocery store line, and oh, how old? And then they're like, oh, two, oh, the terrible twos. And they're like, no, no, it's actually not terrible. It is so much freaking fun. Can we stop that expression? Because it is not serving anyone. And how horrible it is. I mean, they are more aware of what we give them credit for. And they're just standing there and they're like, oh, you're saying that I'm terrible. This is one of the biggest misconceptions that parents have of kids between 12 and 24 months is that they think because their child is not talking full sentences, they think that their child doesn't understand a lot.

4:13But really, receptive language comes before expressive language. And because of that developmental trajectory, our kids understand so much of what we're saying. And that's interesting to realize. We have so much influence over them at this age that we oftentimes don't think we have. They really do understand so much more than we give them credit for. So how we speak to them and how we handle situations is so freaking imperative. Something that I wanted to start with today, Devin. just so that listeners kind of know your approach to begin with. How would you describe your parenting approach or your guidance approach kind of in a nutshell just so that we know the framework that we'll be talking about going forward today?

4:59Yes. So how I like to talk about what we're doing here is everything that I teach at Transforming Toddlerhood is aimed at working with your toddler's development, not against it. because we know in toddlerhood, your toddler behavior is driven not only by getting their needs met. So they're going to do try to get their needs met the fastest, quickest way they can with what they have in the moment, but also that they have a lot of developmental needs that are driving their behavior, like the need to experiment and explore, to exert their will, to feel capable, to have a role in the family, to have a sense of control or to feel powerful.

5:39And so knowing this, we want to use parenting strategies that work with those developmental needs, not against them. Because when we're working against them, we're going to see more power struggles and more tantrums. We're going to have them no matter what, but it's going to get a lot harder. And how I call this type of parenting is developmentally smart parenting. Okay. I really, really like that. What are some of the other most common misconceptions parents have about this age group? Oh, so many misconceptions. I mean, I think the, one of the biggest things is that they think that people think that their child should listen the first time when really you have a child who is just transitioned from being a baby to realizing that they are not an extension of their parents and caregivers because babies often relate to us as an extension of them.

6:33And we also kind of relate to babies as an extension of us. And then all of a sudden toddlerhood happens and your toddler is realizing, whoa, I'm my own separate person with my own separate thoughts and my behavior and actions can impact the world around me. And this is like, whoa, so, so epic for them to understand. So then all of this experimenting and exploring starts. So we think that toddlers should listen the first time, or they should be able to control their feelings and emotions enough to not have a tantrum. When developmentally, their brains are very immature. And the part of the brain that's responsible for impulse control, Emotional regulation, logical thinking, empathy is a lot harder for kids to access and stay there than an adult with a fully mature brain.

7:24So you're going to see toddlers having all types of emotionally driven behavior because the part of the brain responsible for emotions and the stress response is developed more greatly at this point in time than the upper brain where the higher functions happen. So kind of on that same train of thought then, what's actually going on in their little brains of theirs? Because if they don't have those functions, I guess what is going on? Kids are just so quick to drop into their emotions in a stress response. So what is really happening is behavior is communicating all of your child's feelings, emotions, and needs.

8:13It could be their sensory needs. Your child's sensory system and sensory preferences can impact their behavior. Their brain development impacts their behavior, their feelings and emotions, and then their basic needs like hunger, tiredness, the need for connection, and then their developmental needs, which I already named previously. So behavior is really about serving those needs. And also what's happening in your child's brain is this idea of me, mine. Toddlerhood is a very egocentric developmental period because they're discovering their sense of self for the first time. So they think that everything happens is for them or because of them.

8:54Whether that is, you know, all the toys in the house they think are theirs, right? Because they're looking at them. And so that just translates as mine. Or even if we get upset and yell at our toddler because we actually are just having a hard day and frustrated about something else, but it accidentally gets taken out on our child, toddlers can think that, oh, I'm bad or wrong because they just think everything is about them. Yes. Okay. So you just talked about some of the needs, sensory, physical needs. What were those other needs? Yes. Can I tell you something? The book club with the Mom Club Besties is honestly my favorite part of the Mom Club.

9:40Every month we read a book and every third month it's a fun read, so not a parenting book. But the parenting books are so good, we're not reading dry, boring parenting books. We all come together wanting the same thing, to be the best mom, wife, friend, and daughter we can be, and looking for support in doing so. We talk about the ideas in the book, how it's applicable, if we agree or disagree, or if there's parts of the books that annoyed us. But we also talk about life. We've celebrated births, engagements, moves, all of the things with one another. In one book club meeting, a mom told us all via Zoom, you guys are my people.

10:20And I felt that to my freaking core. Some moms come without even reading the book because they just want the conversation and the connection, and they still add so much to the conversation. It's where I truly get to become mom friends with you, which is why it's my favorite part. I look forward to it every single month. So come find your people and join the best book club at learningtomompodcast.com slash join. As always, the links in the show notes below for you. so the when i talk about needs i kind of break it down between sensory needs basic needs and developmental needs okay can we talk about those yes so when it comes to the sensory system um there's toddlers have all kinds of sensory preferences right even kids who are developing that aren't neurodivergent which neurodivergence doesn't normally get diagnosed in In toddlerhood, sometimes autism does, ADHD doesn't, among other things.

11:18But the point being is, is that you'll notice that every person, even you as an adult, has sensory preferences, right? And so you'll notice that some kids are sensory seekers where they're seeking out movement, where like movement, like swinging or running or bouncing is actually calming and regulating to them, where then you'll see kids that are sensory avoiders where like they don't want their hands to be wet or sticky or loud noises they're covering their ears. And so, and some kids can show preferences for a sensory seeking and sensory avoiding depending on the situation. But when you get to know your unique child's sensory preferences, then parenting them becomes a lot easier because you can understand what is going to trigger certain behaviors from a sensory perspective.

12:11So good. Okay. I feel like I have 20 ,000 follow-up questions there. Hopefully I remember them. Let's move on to the next one, which was basic needs. Pretty self-explanatory, but would still love your input there. Yeah. So the basic needs are things like, am I hungry? Am I tired? Or the need to feel like seen, heard, and loved, like for love, connection safety, right? Like having a roof over your head, then also things like being hot or cold, right? So those are all what we call basic needs. Okay. And then the last one, the developmental needs. Yes. So the developmental needs are those are the things which we all have, right?

12:53We all love to have a sense of control over our lives. And we all like to have like a role in the family or feel important to feel capable. But these needs are developmental needs in toddlerhood because they take a high prominence in what's important to a child and explains a lot of their behavior. So that's why you see toddlers that are like, no, I'll do it, me do it, right? Because they want to feel capable. But then you also will see toddlers like completely have a meltdown when you set a limit, like it's time to leave the park or something like that because they're faced with their lack of control over their lives.

13:38Because quite frankly, toddlers have very little control over their lives. We're making most of the decisions about like the time schedule and what happens when. And so that's why you're going to see a toddler having tantrums and meltdowns when they're faced with their lack of control. So how can we kind of figure out, I think the basic needs, pretty easy. Let's just lead on it. Like, you know, you can figure out if your kid is hungry or if they're cold. But as far as like sensory and development, how can you figure out why your kid is having a hard time when they're not yet communicating? You know, with words.

14:16With words. The easiest way to figure this out is by tracking behavior. I'm a huge fan of tracking behavior. When you track behavior, so you kind of write down like the day, the time, what the behavior was, what was happening five minutes before, and then what the behavior, how you responded and how your child reacted to what you did. You're going to start to see patterns and learn a lot of things. And then when you see those patterns, you can start to understand more about your child's behavior. Some of it's also trial and error, and some of it is just plain getting curious. And, you know, you might get curious internally, like, you know, you're thinking it, like, I wonder what my child is trying to tell me here.

15:02I wonder what they're trying to communicate, which is really hard to do if you think your toddler's behavior is bad. That's why instead of thinking, is this behavior bad or good? We need to say all behaviors communication. what are they trying to tell me right now? Are they upset that your parenting partner left for work? Are they frustrated because the baby has been screaming all morning and your toddlers actually sound sensitive, right? Or do they need like connection? So you have to like just start getting curious. And then as they get older, even you might say, I wonder if blah, blah, blah, you know, you kind of say what you think might be bothering them.

15:48And it's typically could be something that, you know, happened not too far away from like the moment of where the behavior popped up. Okay. So something, I absolutely love that line that you just said, all behavior is communication. What are they telling me? I think if we start having that approach as parents, we are so much more empathetic to our children and understanding of what's going on in their little brains. What do you think are other things that we can keep in mind or things to remind ourselves of when it comes to their little brains for us just to have more empathy and more grace and more patience for them?

16:27Yes. So I think the besides all behavior is communication, I think. Thinking my toddler is not doing this to me on purpose, but they're having a hard time. They're having a hard time right now. They're not being bad. They're having a hard time communicating what they need. They're having a hard time dealing with what's happening. so just these simple mindset shifts I mean okay this sounds simple on paper but we have to really I mean remind ourselves and honestly write it down put it on a sticky note put it around your house like so you can read it often that's how we create these mindset shifts but with these shifts then you will start getting out of a pattern of wanting to automatically react and you'll feel less frustrated and it will open the door to more compassion and the ability to more intentionally respond to your child's behavior.

17:27Why do you think parents do have a hard time reminding ourselves of that? I understand it gets hard in the moment and you're feeling really overwhelmed. And sometimes that's just like when, you know, you just yell at your kid because you're feeling really overwhelmed or something. But do you think it has to do with like how we as society view children or anything like that? Oh, it's so many reasons. So many reasons is how we view children as a society. And this idea that like toddlers aren't allowed to exist as a typical toddler with all the typical toddler behaviors, right? That they have to, so parents feel this extra pressure to have to control their child, especially in public or around family.

18:06It has to do with how we were raised and the messages that were implicitly or explicitly given to us through the way that our parents parented us, it has to do with the fact that we're human beings and we have our own feelings, emotions, and needs. And sometimes we're going to be under resourced. We're going to be underslept. We're going to be hungry. We're going to be under supported. And sometimes we're just going to be humans and we're going to have our own feelings, emotions, and needs. And sometimes that's going to control, um, or largely impact how we respond because we're stuck in our own stress response.

18:42And so there's really just so many things that impact that. So we're working. Basically, we're working against all of these things when we're trying to stay calm. Give yourself grace. Yes. Hopefully today's episode can give you some better understanding for you to have more grace for yourself and for your kid. Did you know it takes less than 30 seconds for your body to absorb whatever you put on your skin into your bloodstream? That is insane. Your skin is the largest organ of your body, and since it is porous, it absorbs whatever you put on it. So it is so important to pay close attention to the ingredients in our makeup and skincare products.

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20:32We want to talk about power struggles today. What really is a power struggle? A power struggle is basically when your child, who now is a toddler, so they have their own agenda for the first time is really committed to having a sense of control and executing their agenda. But you as the adult also have your own agenda. And those two agendas come and run up right against each other and kind of, you know, you're butting heads there. And what makes the power struggle a power struggle is that both sides of the power struggle are committed to winning or getting their way. So I always like to tell parents to have a power struggle, you need two people.

21:20And if you're waiting for your toddler just to say, ha, just kidding. I'm not, I wasn't serious about that. You're going to be waiting a long time because they're developmentally driven to exert their will. So they're probably going to dig in. So we have to find ways as the adult to step out of a power struggle in an empowered way, not give in and be like, oh, fine, I'm picking and choosing my battles. Screw it. You can just do whatever you want because, okay, we can do that once in a while. But if you're doing that consistently, you're going to notice you're having a big, you're going to have a big challenge parenting your child because they're not going to take what you say seriously if they're used to you giving in.

22:01So they're going to push harder against you because they are strategic and they're going to be like, oh, normally when I do this, then they just fold and now this will go away. Okay. So how do we have boundaries and have control of the situation as the parents and need to get dinner on time or need to get them buckled in the car seat, yada, yada, yada, without being this dictator? Yes. So the thing that we want to remember is our goal isn't to be in control. It's to be in charge because you truly cannot control another human being. I mean, you can manipulate them, but you can't really control them.

22:47And oftentimes because toddlers are smaller than us, we tend to think that we can control them because they're just smaller and we can physically overpower them. But in the end, your child is their own unique individual. So what you have to do is find ways to create cooperation and influence. And so when it comes to power struggles, there's so many ways, depending on the situation where you can find another way to handle it. What it might be is giving a choice within your boundaries. So you set the limit, but there's more than one way to get to an outcome. So you decide to be flexible. And if, um, you know, so you'll give a choice within boundaries or you'll use like when, and then.

23:28When you, um, for example, um, put on your shoes or pick up this toy, then we can go outside, right? Um, you might use one and then, but overarchingly the bigger goal here, and I have a whole chapter in my book dedicated to power struggles because it's such an important topic. And I give so many ideas and scenarios of how to move through them. But overarchingly, what you want to know is that your child's not being bad and that you're the leader and guide from being in charge. So oftentimes if we're waiting for our child to comply, then to move on, we're keeping the power struggle going because we're not moving forward.

24:09So sometimes it's just a matter of moving forward. Sometimes it's a matter of going and putting like your purse and like diaper bag in the car. Maybe it's then your child's going to want to follow you if they don't want to leave the house or it's about moving forward and like going to make breakfast or whatever the thing is. But oftentimes we need to move forward for our toddlers to be able to move forward. But we spend too much time sitting there waiting for our toddlers to make the first move, whether it's to bow out of the power struggle or to make the first move on following through. And they oftentimes need our help to do that, especially at this age, 12 to 24 months.

24:52Yes. Okay. What do you see parents? I think that was a great list of what we can do, the win, then, joining them, just going ahead. That was a really great list of things. Where do you see a lot of parents today going wrong or tactics that you're seeing in society that you're like, oh, I wouldn't do that. That's not having the effect that you think it is. Sure. So I think that one of the biggest things is that I have a lot of parents that come to me and say, my child doesn't listen to me unless I yell. So I feel like I have to yell, but I feel so bad and so guilty when I yell. So what I want to say there is that oftentimes when we're yelling or even like putting our child and time out.

25:50We think that we're teaching them a lesson, but here's the thing. If we're only focused on stopping the behavior that we see on the surface, then we forget about all the things we just talked about that are driving the behavior underneath the surface. And if you truly want to transform your child's behavior, you have to address the why, the root of the behavior to truly transform it. So if we're like yelling, if we're making threats, if we're, um, sending our child to timeout, yes, we might get the behavior to stop on the surface, but at the expense of connection. And we know young children view us as a safe and secure base because we're responsible and they rely on us for meeting their physical and emotional needs.

26:37Um, but also we're not teaching them what they can do instead. So that's why when I'm talking about developmentally smart discipline, I talk about the recipe, which is creating connection, setting limits and following through and teaching skills. You need all three of the ingredients of the recipe for success. And so if we're only like yelling or sending kids a timeout, it's short sighted because we're not teaching them what to do instead. And so oftentimes young children get punished for a lack of skills instead of someone teaching them the skills that they need and supporting them and following through to be successful.

27:19Yes. Oh my gosh. Interrupting this week's episode real quick for this week's segment of MomMail. If you're new here, this is the part of the show where I answer a listener submitted situation or scenario. Basically, you write in your tricky situation and I give you advice only a real mom friend would give. Here's the email we're answering today. Hey, Leila, I have a tricky situation for you. My husband, almost two-year-old son, and I live three to four hours away from both sides of our family. We both work and wouldn't be able to do what we do where our family lives. With that in mind, we have a small two-bed, one-bath home.

27:58When my family comes to town, they have no problem camping on the couch or with the extra mattress we have on the floor of my son's room. My husband's fam, on the other hand, opt for a hotel every time. I will say my sister-in-laws don't mind crashing on the couch, but not my mom and dad-in-law. Anyway, recently we have been getting comments from both sides about not visiting enough. We both work full-time jobs. My son is in daycare, so any free weekend time we have, we cherish like gold. We always travel on every holiday and switch which side we go to every year so that it is fair. My parents do come up a lot between holidays, so the comment came from that space of, we are the only ones who travel to you guys in between holidays.

28:43It took us until recently to really build up our local village. It took some time to find and invest in people at our church to find people in our same stage of life who would finally reciprocate. And we finally feel and believe we have those people to do life with. That being said, I don't know what else to do. trying to invest in our local village so that it exists and is healthy, visiting family in two different out-of-town locations, and trying to also have time just for my husband, son, and I to have our quality time. I don't know how to make everyone happy, but also keep our sanity. I know we have a space for family they will be more likely to visit, but currently trying to get out of debt, so that is definitely not in the cards for us at this moment.