Dear Life Kit: I'm jealous of my partner's weight loss

0:00Support for NPR and the following message come from the Kauffman Foundation, providing access to opportunities that help people achieve financial stability, upward mobility and economic prosperity, regardless of race, gender, gender, or geography, afect. LifeMan.org. You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

0:24Hey, it's Marielle. When I was walking home yesterday, I saw a sign outside my local gym. It said something like, got a bikini? Got a body? Then you have a bikini body. I love this idea and the way it pushes back against the common narrative that you're only allowed to go to the pool or show your belly or even exist in the world if your body looks a certain way. Ronald Young Jr. has thought about this topic a lot. So recently I went to a pool and there was a picture that like came out of me shirtless and like normally I like go through great lengths of only letting people in person see me shirtless like I've never posted a picture online or any of that.

1:03Ronald is the award-winning host of Wait For It, a podcast that he says unpacks the nuanced thoughts of fat folks and all folks who think about their weight all the time. And he understands that hesitation, the body insecurity people feel in a bathing suit or just walking down the street. But he says there's so much more to a person than their body or the clothes they put on it. So why not try to focus on your presence, your attitude, owning everything about who you are? I saw this picture and I was like, you know what? Hell yeah. Yeah. That was like a good opening to hot Ron summer, as I call it.

1:43That makes me so happy. I like that. Hell yeah. Looking at yourself in the photo. Katie Starino first found a following online by using her style and voice to promote size inclusivity and body acceptance. She wrote a book called Body Talk, How to Embrace Your Body and Start Living Your Best Life. And she's also the author of a new novel called Sunny Side Up. My life's work is really to try to convince people that summer is just super fun and you should spend your energy and time making memories with your family and friends and not like trying to hide under a towel by the side of the pool. On this edition of Dear Life Kit, the advice series where reporter Andy Tegel asks experts your burning questions, we are going to get real about body image.

2:27self-deprecating comments, how to deal if you're feeling competitive about weight loss, and how to shut down a straight-up body image bully.

2:58Okay, question one. Dear Life Kit, A good friend of mine often makes disparaging comments about her appearance. She often talks about how she feels fat or gross. I think she looks great, but whenever I try to reassure her, she dismisses me. Sometimes she even snaps that I don't understand. My friend is about 15 years older than me, and she also talks about aging in a really negative way. Listening to her comments, she's started to make me feel anxious about my own appearance and the prospect of getting older. How can I tell her I don't want to hear her talk like this? I want to be a supportive friend, especially when she's feeling insecure, but it's starting to negatively affect my own mental health and body image.

3:36Signed, Not Negative Nancy. Okay, so my first thought, I think it's totally fair for our writer, Nancy, to not want to be around this negative body talk all the time. But is the best move to maybe start to create some distance? Agree, disagree. I'm going to jump in and just say that I think there's a couple ways you can handle that. you can say, one, is this a friendship that means a lot to me that I need in my life? And maybe it's a weed that you need to pull out and move on from to protect yourself. But the second thing is you can also offer the attempt at like going on a positive journey together and being like, hey, friend, I don't like the way you talk about my friend.

4:16Would you ever want to like try some like affirmations together, like go on a journey together and see how they react to that. Yeah, I agree with Katie. I think the conversation is probably the first step. Like, hey, you know, when I'm around you and you start talking about like what you look like and aging and being fat and all that, like it puts us both in a place where I don't even know what I'm supposed to do here, how I'm supposed to help. Like how can we work together to make you feel better leaving the house? Is this about like going on a shopping trip, getting some clothes that you feel good in?

4:49Is this about like going and like doing a skincare routine or like what is this? Yeah. Like what is it going to take for us to boost your confidence and how can I be there to support you? And if she does not respond to that, then I would say distance. And that thing is, distance doesn't mean like abandonment or neglect. It just means like, hey, like if you're going to be over there doing that, I'm going to be over here like rooting for you and praying for you from afar, but I can't be in it with you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Protect yourself. Yeah. So address the thing directly and then take steps from there.

5:18Exactly. Yeah. And I think another thing that is complicated is sometimes you just don't want to bring like it's easy sometimes for you to see the problems that your friend has and the things that they need to fix as they can see with you from a 30 ,000 foot view. But sometimes you just don't want to you don't want to bring all that to their kitchen door. Like oftentimes that just makes you the bad guy. And can you believe she said this to me? Can you believe this? So sometimes distance is just the only way. And it's so painful for both parties. And Katie, yes. And if your friendship can't survive that, if your friendship can't survive a tough conversation, then y 'all never really graduated into friendship, right?

6:00It's correct. One more point on this that lit up for me was that you just don't understand. When a friend has a really different viewpoint from you, especially with their body, and they're like, you just don't get it. What do you do? I mean, I'm just like, try me. Like, try to either explain it to me or tell me how I can support you then. My takeaway from all this is the reminder that, like, when your friend is having a hard time and that is going to cause inflection points in your friendship, sometimes that will cause your friendships to, like, bend and grow. Sometimes that will cause them to break.

6:31And either way, that's okay. We're going to learn from that, right? Yeah. Okay, question two. Dear Life Kit, my partner and I have both been on GLP-1 medications for about eight months. She's losing weight so much faster than me, and it's hard not to compare my body to hers. How can I manage my jealousy while still celebrating the changes in her own body she's happy to see? Signed, Competitive Companion. Okay, I think a lot of people could identify with feelings of body jealousy, body envy, and how much more complicated those emotions can be when they're within your own home and within your own romantic relationship.

7:07Is it okay to voice those feelings? So I'm hearing some things here, like the word celebration. And I had a friend who went on a GLP-1 two or three years ago. And every pound she lost, she would call me and be like, yes, I can fit into this now. It was so triggering and jarring for me. And then I finally had to be like, hey, I don't want to hear about this. This is not the way I think about weight. And like, it's not a celebration. It's just like a number changing. Like, it's so much more neutral for me. So it sounds like maybe the partner in this situation is being a little toxic in their weight loss.

7:52I think you're right, Katie. First of all, I just want to say, and I hope this goes far and wide. weight loss is not something to be celebrated period no i don't i don't ever think it is and i to really nail this point home i lost my mom last year and before she died she lost a ton of weight and it was scary for us because we were like oh no this is indicative of something horrible happening to her and i realized that every time we see somebody losing weight our assumption is that something good is happening to them and that is a terrible assumption especially when it comes to what we are saying about what that means for health generally.

8:26Oh, losing weight always means that you're getting healthier. And we know that in fact, that's not the case. And so for in this case, if we're saying that we're so, how can I be happy for, I'm like, well, you could be happy for if her weight loss is attached to something else. Like for instance, if I ever wanted to lose weight, it's like, well, I don't want to be out of breath on the stairs. If I turn to my partner and say, Hey, I'm not out of breath on the stairs anymore. This has been great. I can go on long walks and hikes with you and I feel a lot better and it's not attached to like what I look like in my clothes or how I feel about myself, then it'd be totally, then I'm like, yes, now we have something to actually celebrate.

8:58I don't think that anyone who has lost a massive amount of weight has done, that is not your biggest accomplishment in life. There are other things that you've done that I will be prouder of you for than for losing weight. I have recently lost weight and the comments I get about my body are infuriating and people don't understand why I would not want these comments. I don't want them. And people being like, you look so happy. You look so healthy. And I'm like, you don't know anything about it. That's not an indicator of happiness or of health. It infuriates me to a real core point. the other thing katie is i think it robs you of everything that you've accomplished while fat you know what i mean like it's like how dare you come to come to me and say oh you're doing this and wow and i'm like what all has katie accomplished as a fat person that is the things we should be celebrating and that she's continuing her journey to being awesome and like think about all the people that love you katie because you're katie and not because you were fat or thin and so then all these people come along to be like oh yeah now you're really gonna to get it.

10:05It's like, no, I'm, I was getting it already. Ron, I'm going to cry. That is the, that is it. And like, this is not a podcast about me and my personal journey, but that is that you, you just said it. I mean, you said it. So this is great advice for, for our listener, competitive companion. I wonder if there's anything else you have for us on the dynamic between competitive companion and her partner about the conversation that they need to have at home? I think they just need to reassess their actual goals. It cannot just be about aesthetics. It has to be about like something else. And I don't know what that something else is for them.

10:44Maybe it is a walking goal. Maybe it is a marathon thing, whatever, but it cannot just be attached to a number and an aesthetic. Revisit it together and decide what that is for both of them as individuals and as a couple. Absolutely. Okay. Question three. Dear Life Kit, my brother-in-law likes to call people by funny names. His name for me blends my name with the word anorexia, even though I've never been underweight or experienced disordered eating. I've asked him to stop. His response, can't you take a joke? Recently, my sister baked a cake and offered me a slice, which I accepted eagerly. My brother-in-law leaned over and said, you don't want to eat that.

11:24You'll just have to stick your finger down your throat later. My daughters, who are 13 and 11, looked shocked and confused, but no one else in my family reacted. Now they're not interested in attending events on that side of the family if he's going to be there. I'm torn between wanting to participate in family events and not wanting to subject myself and my daughters to this kind of teasing and my family's normalization of it. What can I do? Signed, bullied by brother-in-law. Hey, yo. This. Yeah, go ahead, Katie, because I'm fired up. Go ahead. I'm so fired up about this. This made me so mad because one, it's men thinking that they can get away with like saying and like not realizing that there's consequences and just being such dumb about stuff.

12:15And then two, it's so hard because that relationship with your sister is so delicate and your sister is not always going to be able to come to your side. Like your sister might have to side with spouse due to like peace in the home. And that is really hard to accept. But your brother-in-law is an a**hole. If this is what he's saying that's funny, what is he saying that's not funny? Like, what is your sister dealing with? No, that's what I'm saying is that's also an indicator of, like, maybe in the home, like, what your sister is dealing with behind closed doors. But that's not something you can force a friend and a family member or anyone in your life to realize they have to come to that stuff on their own.

12:55But you can make the choices. Like, I love that she talked to her kids about it. and I really love that she's making the choice that they're kind of like I don't really want to do that so maybe it's you have to reconstruct the family dynamic where you're just doing like ladies stuff and you're just doing stuff with like sister mom and kids I would say like this is a brother-in-law so I'm like yeah I feel like at some point you have to say I mean ex-brother yeah pretty much like you could even say to your sister or someone else be like yo you need to watch your boy like that's because that's what I would say if this was a friend that you were bringing around and they kept doing stuff like this katie i turned to you and be like yo you better get your boy because like my kids are here he's over here saying dumb stuff he's got about one or two more times before you're not gonna see us anymore period like that's the the leverage that you have is your attendance at these events just to say if frank keeps running his mouth you will not see me at these things anymore especially with my 13 and 11 year old kids who are like well beyond the age of reason at this point like now have their own opinions on what this is like and he's saying dumb stuff to their mother.

14:00Like, I don't like that. That's what are you talking about here? Katie, how would you step in, in this scenario? I, so here's the thing is that what I, I'm coming in with the perspective of when a woman, cause again, if this is what he's saying in public, what's he saying in private? Um, I know that a woman who is most likely being emotionally abused at home is unable to defend herself and often will stick up for the husband. And then that is so disheartening to see. So it's like, I almost don't want to put that person in the position to have to do that. That's fair. Yeah. So that's like, it's like, I would talk directly.

14:39I would take the bully on and I wouldn't do it in public. I would do it in private because the bully is going to want to like challenge you in public. So it's like, you almost have to take the bully in private and be like, Hey, like, what's up with this? Like, why do you talk to me like this? I agree with that. And I think if you're going to take the bully on, I think you have to answer to his questions. Can't you take a joke? No, I'm sensitive. No, I can't. No, you can't make those stupid jokes anymore. And you should feel uncomfortable around me about making those jokes. And it should be weird for you.

15:09And if you don't want to come to family events because I'm there, that's perfectly fine. Because I feel like that's, if we're leaving, especially the sister out of this completely, then I feel like, I mean, then going straight at the bully and saying like, stop doing this. and if you do it, I'm going to call it out every time at every family event, it's going to be awkward because I'm going to be in the middle of the table. Katie, I know you said do it in private, but I'd be at the middle of the table like, what that means? What that means? What you saying? What you talking about? Explain that to my 13, 11-year-old.

15:38What do you mean by that? Explain that to me. Keep going. I'm going to make it real awkward for everyone so that every time I show up, they're like, oh no, Ronald's causing a seed again. Yes, I certainly am. You know why I'm thinking this way, Katie and Andy? I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to no longer go to family events because of someone else's totally. Yeah. That's not fair. I'm like, why do we now have to kind of like move like spies? Tiptoe around. Yeah. When you're the one being the jerk. And I guess, I guess my question is, uh, is there a way that she can like, and I don't know what her marital situation is, but if her spouse is around, is there a way they could join forces and be like, Hey Frank, like we'll, we'll jump to Brian.

16:20Yeah. Yeah. don't walk to your car alone we'll jump you I don't know she didn't mention a spouse and now I'm like I need to know like who's she coming in with yeah because now there should be two divorces happening yes and also I just I love to plug divorce in general and just say like let's I think we should just normalize not not pushing through and just push and just leaving more often because I think Like sometimes we overestimate the bond of marriage. Is that bad to say? But I'm very pro-divorce. I understand your perspective and I support it. Thank you. Ronald, Katie, before you go, we ask every guest of Dear Life Kit for their best piece of advice.

17:13I would love to hear yours. Okay. I never know if people are going to understand what this means, but ride the horse in the direction it's going. So if it's not flowing, if it's not working, you do not have to stick with it. I love that a lot. For me, it's just real cliche. Don't give up. I think that the you in the past would be very proud to see where you are now. And so don't give up. Ride the horse where it's going. Don't give up on said horse. Yeah, that's good. I think we've solved it all. I think so. Ronald, Katie, this was such a pleasure. It really was. I had so much fun. Yeah, this was great.

17:54That was LifeKit reporter Andy Tegel talking to Ronald Young Jr. and Katie Storino. For more LifeKit, check out our other episodes. We have one on boosting your body acceptance and another on how to choose the right birth control for you. You can find those at npr.org slash LifeKit. And if you love LifeKit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash LifeKit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at lifekit at npr.org. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Garib.

18:32Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Margaret Serino. Engineering support comes from Stacey Abbott. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening. Thank you.