Dear Life Kit: Should I put my life on hold for my partner?

0:00Support for this podcast and the following message come from Allianz Travel Insurance. Barcelona's beaches heavenly until a jellyfish joins you for a swim. Emergency medical benefits can help take the sting out of travel. challenges. Learn more at AllianzTravelInsurance.com. She's going to be too tired to commute back that 30 minutes. She's going to be going to restaurants, living her life. You think she's going to be thinking about her boyfriend back there, back in the suburbs? I don't think so. That relationship is over. Oh my God, Malka. We're extrapolating so much now. You know what? Do whatever you want.

0:36This is an advice show. Do whatever you want. That is always the caveat. We want an asterisk here. Hey, it's Mariel Segarra. Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, where we answer your questions with help from the collective wisdom in our Life Kit archives. As always, reporter Andy Tegel is here. Hey, Andy. Hey. And we also have our digital editor, Malika Karib here. Hello. All right, Andy, you're going to read some questions for us. Let's hear the first one. All right, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, how do I kindly refuse a gift? Our next door neighbor is older and has some mobility issues.

1:12So my partner and I help where we can. We shovel her sidewalk, dig out her car when it snows, bring out her trash and look out for her packages when we know she's away. These are things I would do for literally anyone and that I hope someone will do for me when I get older. Yesterday, she gave us a thank you card with a$50 gift card. I'm touched by the gesture and love the card, but I don't feel comfortable taking the money. For one, we don't need it. Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, we didn't do it for payment. We just want to be good neighbors. And accepting cash for basic kindness doesn't fit into that ethos.

1:48But is it rude to give it back? How do I demonstrate that I'm honored by her generosity while making it clear that we want nothing in return? Thanks in advance, aspiring Fred Rogers. You cannot give it back. You can absolutely not give it back. That's the correct response. Okay, strong feelings. Thanks for this question, Andy. I'm happy to take this one because I actually have a neighbor, Mr. Norman. He's like in his 80s. We bring them leftovers and we watch out for them, check in on them. Mrs. Shirley over there, I also check in on her. They do small things for us in return, right? Mr. Norman comes by and he gives me plants.

2:23His son came by and gave us peach ice cream. So we look out for each other and I try to give him small activities to do so that he feels like there's an equal relationship there based on what I know he can do, right? So I guess the first thing that I want to say is that one of our previous guests, Maya Lau, actually talked about this in a Dear Life kit from 2023. She's the host of Other People's Pockets, a finance podcast. And she was answering a question from a listener who said her partner's parents were way too generous with our money and it made her feel uncomfortable. And Lau's response was this.

2:57don't always assume that other people people's attitudes toward money are the same as your own so essentially like your neighbor is giving you 50 bucks this might mean a lot to her it might mean something different to her than it does to you right to you you don't need this money but to her it might be like this is like all i have yeah really big gesture right yeah yeah and it's like if you return it then it's almost like you're saying that it's insignificant i don't need this you know and I know that's not the intention but that's how it could be received especially if it's like if she feels like this is the only way I can pay you back I just love that this is a question that was submitted like I think this is just such a lovely problem to have yeah that's true I think you definitely should not give the the money back um and I think it's okay to let your neighbor know how you feel yeah exactly what would you say my two cents is you know like thank you so much for this kind gesture.

3:50You know, we don't want to take your money, but if you feel, why don't we start like a neighborhood friendship fund? Like, why don't we use this to build a free little library or something? You know, like, why don't we use this to invest in like more flowers for the neighborhood or something? Wait, wait, wait. Would that make your neighbor feel bad though? It's like, well, then he didn't need or want my money? Like. No, I, like, I feel, we feel uncomfortable taking your money, but like, I would love to use this to invest in our friendship. Maybe. Can we take you out to dinner maybe? Or so? I don't know.

4:18I don't know. I don't know about that, Andy. I feel like that's like a little too like, it's not gratitude. We don't want your money. It's kind of like, um, putting the compliment back on you kind of like, I wonder whether another way to say it is like, thank you so much for the money. Like what a thoughtful gesture. And then like, leave it at that. And then maybe just say like, you know, honestly, like we don't really expect, you know, anything from you. We just like love your presence and like reassure them that there's no need to reciprocate and there's no debt. There's no debt. And there's like a lot of love there.

4:45And like, they love the relationship. And then, And then you privately do whatever the heck you want with the 50 bucks, right? Yeah. Maybe you can set up the expectation for next time that just so you know, you really don't have to give us money. But don't return the money that they just gave you. You know, I was thinking about this yesterday because I have this wrist injury. And so I was having a problem with the garbage cans outside my building. They're filled with larva right now. And I was like, I'm going to have to do something about this. Like, how am I going to clean these out? And I was like, am I going to have to hire someone to help?

5:23Because I just I didn't even think immediately of asking anyone. It took me going through being like, I actually can't do this alone to realize, like, you know what? I'm just going to ask my downstairs neighbors who, by the way, these are their garbage cans, too. and it reminded me though that community being a neighbor isn't just about doing things for other people it's letting them do things for you too and letting them see you in moments when like you are having a hard time also like think about like other creative ways that you can ask like everyone likes to have a reciprocal reciprocated relationship no one likes to be like in debt to someone right so like in addition to like telling them like please you're not indebted to us like We really love you.

6:04Think about clearly now you know your little spidey senses on that like, okay, they want to do something for me. So what are some things that I know that they're capable of doing that they might find joy in doing? So Mr. Norman is a woodworker. So like sometimes I'll like bring over my old IKEA furniture and have him just like tighten things up. And he loves that. So he's helping me. I love that you do that, Malika. That's a great idea. We'll have more Dear Life Kit after the break. This message comes from Whole Foods Market. Prep for a busy week with Whole Foods Market. Start your day with fully cooked breakfast sausages from Amy Liu, 365 brand frozen waffles with no bleached flours, and of course, Whole Foods Market eggs, which are all cage-free or better.

6:48In the evening, bring home a build-your-own-family meal that feeds four for just$35. Choose one entree in two sides. Shop smarter, not harder at Whole Foods Market. This message comes from Charles Schwab with their original podcast, Choiceology, hosted by Katie Milkman, an award-winning behavioral scientist and author of the best-selling book, How to Change. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind people's decisions. Hear true stories from Nobel laureates, historians, authors, athletes, and more about why people do the things they do. Download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com slash podcast or wherever you listen.

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8:12The question was never whether you could become the person your dog thinks you are. It's what's in the way. Turns out, just the laundry. Not anymore. Rinse picks up your laundry, cleans it expertly, and delivers it back while you get on with being magnificent. Sign up today at Rents.com. Rents, it's time to be great. Let's move on to the next question, yeah? Yeah. Let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He's 30, I'm 26. I live on my own and he currently lives very comfortably with his parents after moving back a few years ago. When I bring up moving in together, he says he's not ready because he wants to earn more money and wants us to be together for longer before moving in together.

8:57currently we live in the same town but i want to move closer to work and more restaurants which is about a 30 minute drive away should i wait until he's ready to move in with me and then we can choose a place together or or should i move anyway uh same same same um malika i'm confused by this question okay so she basically our listener is ready to move to a new place farther away from her boyfriend but her boyfriend's not ready to do that yet so she's saying should i hold off from moving away until my boyfriend is ready to move with me or should I just go ahead and move? Don't move anywhere. Just stay where you are.

9:33Right? Is that the answer? What? No. No. That's not what we thought. No. Okay. No. Okay. Just go through your thought process. Okay. All right. My take was no. My short answer is just like, girl, live your life. No. What if he's the one? What? Oh my gosh. What? Oh my gosh. He might not be ready for many reasons. Okay. Sorry. Keep going. They're not breaking up. She's just moving from one apartment to another apartment. My take, moving in together shouldn't be rushed. It shouldn't be taken lightly and you shouldn't just do it because you think it is the next natural step. And I'm not saying that you can't be ready to do that in less than a year, but personally, I think it's a good sign that this boyfriend is pumping the brakes a little bit.

10:13Also, I'm assuming that you want to move in with the idea of staying moved in together for the long haul right which means there's a whole lot of cohabitation in the future no need to rush right i want to offer a reframe here which is think of this as like alas hurrah an opportunity to embrace your independence to the fullest like a living just for me era i guess my my question is does he want to move to the city no we don't know we don't know i mean because yeah i could see it causing an issue maybe if he hates the city and she's now moving to the city that's more of like a compatibility issue talking about where you guys want to be long term but but yeah you can't wait for someone else to it's putting your life on hold essentially yeah they're not mutually exclusive right you can live in this other place and still date your boyfriend like you're both making the decisions that make financial sense and emotional sense for you right now and then when you're ready to when you're both ready to move in together then you'll move in together i see you know what i've come around i've come around and i understand the point now what were you thinking before here's what i was thinking i was thinking that like she was gonna like live her life without him and like leave him in the dust in the awful suburb i don't think that's what she implied yeah i don't think she meant that i would maybe interrogate myself if i was thinking about doing this that like am i in any way moving because i want to pressure him to move in with me sooner than he's ready like am i gonna dangle the idea of moving as a well i'm gonna move then I'm going to move by myself and I'm going to be 30 minutes away from you.

11:43So I guess that's just what's going to happen. Like, don't just threaten it, you know, because you want him to move in with you sooner. Because Andy, like you were saying, it's if someone's not ready to move in with you, you don't want to move in with them. I agree with you guys. I do feel like it does sound a little bit like there may be a mismatch in priorities and where things are going now. Like it seems like work and like going out and like going to restaurants and being on the town might be a little bit of a priority. And 30 minutes is quite a long time. I agree on the mismatched priorities.

12:17You know, we had an episode about this, about moving in together. We had a great expert for this. Her name is Kiana Lewis. She's a sex educator and pleasure mentor. And she had a full checklist for us about questions you should ask before moving in together. So I think, listener, whoever you are, whichever way you go, whether you're moving to the city, whether you're staying back, you need to have these conversations and be intentional about this decision because there are a lot of things that you need to consider before moving in. You don't want to be hasty. Like what benefit does moving in together bring to your life and to your relationship?

12:53And then just a lot of practical things. Like, do you listen to something as you sleep? You know, how dark do you need it to be? That is something that I did not figure out about my relationship until after we moved in. And my husband and I are diametrically opposed. He sleeps with the light on? No, opposite. He needs absolute, like total, complete sensory deprivation. Same. But then also these bigger things, you know, like it seems like he has a lot of money values. You need to line up on these things. Yeah, yeah. We have lots of LifeKid episodes on that. Not just about if you're about to move in together, but if you're in a relationship and you're talking about money, what questions to ask each other, how to figure out if you're compatible long-term and short-term.

13:32Listener, please don't get mad at my reaction. That's it. Another asterisk that we'll add to every episode. Don't get mad at Malika. She's just saying how she feels. We'll have one more listener question after the break. This message comes from Whole Foods Market. Prep for a busy week with Whole Foods Market. Start your day with fully cooked breakfast sausages from Amy Liu, 365 brand frozen waffles with no bleached flours, and of course, Whole Foods Market eggs, which are all cage-free or better. In the evening, bring home a build-your-own-family meal that feeds four for just$35. Choose one entree in two sides.

14:11Shop smarter, not harder at Whole Foods Market. All right, last question. Dear Life Kit, I'm aromantic and asexual, so I have no interest in dating or sexuality. But now that I'm in my 30s, I'm seeing more and more of my peers get married and have kids, and I'm feeling more and more isolated. This year, my twin brother got married. I feel like I'll never count as an adult because I'm not going to, quote, graduate to being or having a spouse. I don't know how to cope with the intensity of the alienation, even when I'm surrounded by my family and friends. What can I do to understand my place in the world better?

14:50That's painful. It's a painful place to be. Sending love to you. Yeah, there are a lot of people who are in the same situation as you. They may be aromantic or asexual. They may just not have found the partner who's a good fit for them. There are a lot of people who've decided not to have kids. We did an episode on how to be child free. And part of that was about building your village. One thing that comes up a lot is like everyone says, you know, I want to go to a dinner party or I wish I had friends who hosted something like that. But you could be that person. Even if you just have like, you know, one or two people in your life who you really enjoy hanging out with, invite them over.

15:34You can also create a routine with people who don't even have to know each other. Like I did this with a group of friends who I like introduced them all to each other. We have a monthly community dinner and we know to expect it. The word that stuck out to me was graduate. Yes. You know, because I was like, who hands out the diplomas for adulthood? Who says you don't get to be an adult because you're not going to be partnered or you don't have kids? I know a ton of married people who are not grownups. There's a lot of parents who are lonely a lot of the time. There are a lot of people who are married or partners who are lonely a lot of the time.

16:13You know what I mean? And not to say that your feelings are totally valid, but you also don't have to choose to live in them. I think Mariel's advice is very sound. Like you don't have to keep going to couples activities and you can like turn down the invitations that don't feel good. Right. Turn down the places that don't feel good. Yeah. I feel like that's what graduating to adulthood is. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think what ends up happening is that if you're not married and you don't have kids, you end up feeling like just an extra, like a plus one. The third wheel, the plus one. The third wheel, the fourth wheel, whatever, to somebody else's family.

16:47And I think what can be painful is that a lot of people, when they get to a certain age, they get married, they have kids, they create their own little families. And so if you don't do those things, then you feel like you don't have your own little family. You're like, I'm just out here bopping around on my own. But you can create your own family. It's just going to look different. And these can be people your own age. They can be people older than you. They can be people younger than you. You're someone who people want to have around regardless of who you bring with you. And you can build your own family.

17:26It just takes time. Snaps of that. Love that. And specifically around the aromantic asexual part, we did an episode about celibacy. And this was about taking a period of celibacy. It wasn't necessarily for people who are asexual, but it was for people who just wanted to pause the pursuit of sex and romance for a time. And I thought it was really beautiful hearing people talk about what that did for them. It basically allows you to experience all the other pleasures of life. And they almost get like turned up when you're eating like a really fresh ripe peach or like a beautiful raspberry, you know, or you're playing a sport.

18:16It's about feeling the sensations of your body. And so that is all available to you, too. You're aromantic and asexual, but that doesn't mean you can't live your life in color and experience pleasure. I love that. Good luck to you. We know you'll find your people. You'll find your people. All right, that's our show. If you have a question for Life Kit, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about health, about staying organized, exercising, breakups, difficult friends, whatever you got. Go to npr.org slash Dear Life Kit to submit your question. Or even better, record yourself asking it so we can play it on the show.

18:55and you can send the file to lifekit at npr.org. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our digital editor is Malika Garib. Our visuals editor is CJ Riccolon. Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Serino, and Kayla Lattimore. Engineering support comes from Travis Hagen. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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