Elevate group conversations with a 'magical question'

0:00Priya Parker:This message comes from Angie. Tackling a home project, Angie can connect you with pros who do such a good job, you might ask them to be your kid's godfather. Don't do that. Just trust them to get the job done. Find a pro for your projects at Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey, it's Marielle. I think we've all been to a gathering where we were bored out of our skulls. Or where the conversation felt stiff and awkward. Where we found ourselves daydreaming about being anywhere else, really, but preferably at home, tucked into bed. But what about the reverse?

0:44The dinner party where people are actually connecting. Where folks are interesting and interested. Where the room sparkles with possibility. How do we get there? Start by throwing a gathering you want to attend. Post something that literally makes you giggle, makes you be like, yeah, I want to do that. Priya Parker is a conflict resolution facilitator and author of the book The Art of Gathering. In it, she says it's important to be intentional about gathering and to understand why we're actually bringing a particular group of people together. Now, she says the sky's the limit when it comes to gathering, because most of us are bored with the same old thing.

1:27And so when you get invited to, like, Anne's party, her rug that she bought in Istanbul on her solo vacation post-divorce finally arrived, and she wants to, like, roll it out and is literally, like, two feet by four feet, it's like a delightful invitation. But there's more to it than that, right? Once you're actually at a gathering, whether you're the host or you're an attendee, how do you make the room sparkly? You might try something Priya calls magical questions. A magical question is a question posed to a group that everybody in that group would be interested in answering. And everyone is interested in hearing each other's answers.

2:12Priya says we can think of magical questions as conversational doorknobs, a way to meaningfully connect with other people without having to agree or have the same tastes or life experiences. On this episode of Life Kit, what makes a magical question? How to come up with one, how to offer it to a group, and how to decide on your answer? And don't worry, we will give you plenty of examples.

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4:34Okay, Priya, what makes something a magical question? A magical question is specific. It invites people to not give their opinion, usually, but to give a story. A magical question also complicates the individual. I'm a conflict resolution facilitator. And one of the things that I've learned over many years is, you know, often we try to think that the best way to relieve conflict is to try to pretend that a group is the same. And actually, one of the best ways to kind of allow for connection is instead to complicate the individual. And so an example of a question that complicates the individual could be, what are three gifts you would give aliens on behalf of humanity?

5:21I like that one. Right. Or when is the last time you used glitter? When is the last time you blew up a balloon with your own mouth? What is a favorite building in your community? Questions that allow people to share their experiences and that often give unexpected answers. Another one, what is a path you almost took, but didn't. Takeaway one, magical questions are interesting to everyone in a group. They're specific. They invite people to tell a story. And they complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their personality or life experiences. Here's another one Priya shared on her Instagram.

6:06100 years from now, there's a seance to conjure your spirit. Which three items would they use? To me, this question's interesting because it's fun, but it also acknowledges a deep, often taboo topic that we're all going to die someday. You might learn that some folks in your group believe in an afterlife and others don't. Also, when people list out their objects, they're telling you what they prize and how they see themselves. What's a good way to follow up on a magical question. Like how do you use that new knowledge you learned about someone to deepen the connection? One of my favorite magical questions to ask is what was the first concert you went to and who took you?

6:50And I often do this in teams or in large town halls. And immediately you see this like, you know, dozens of answers like Tony Braxton, Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, and new kids on the block. And first of all, it helps people feel like it's not just a blob, it's a group of individuals. But second of all, in all group life, when things get hard, when there's conflict, as there inevitably is in all groups, and you know something about somebody, right? Like they went to the same concert I went to, or they went to a Tony Braxton concert. How bad can they be? I'm going to pick up the phone and call them.

7:26Whether you're in a group of friends, whether you're running a team meeting, whether you're like at an airport and a layover and you're stuck for 12 hours and you like are done with your phone. This is like, it's a muscle to begin to be able to help people meaningfully connect and then have a jumping off point for all types of other conversations. A lot of what you've described so far, it's somewhat subtle and casual, right? You just, you bring out the question, but you don't roll out the red carpet first and say, I'm about to ask you all a magical question. Do you ever recommend that though? Like, like if you're sitting around at a dinner party or something?

8:11As in all of life, read the room. Yeah. There are some places where like in some cultures or contexts or friend groups or like the group chat, it's like, y 'all, I heard about this, you know, amazing thing called magical questions. Are Are you game? Like, yes, tell me. In other places, if anything that feels formal or like an icebreaker, people are deeply allergic to. And so it's really deeply reading the room, but it's like it's knowing in your back pocket that you have the skills. And it's a skill anyone can learn, anyone can practice to begin to ask. It's really asking, what is this group interested in?

8:49What are the individuals interested in? And at some level, it's a deeply generous thing to know how to do. What is interesting within each of these people that you might be able to tap into, unlock, and help them share with the room? Takeaway two is to read the room. This might be a group that would appreciate an icebreaker-type prompt, or it might be a group where you've got to be a little more subtle with your questions. Also, consider who's in the group, because again, you want the questions to be relevant to everyone. Here's a prompt Priya gave me that'll help you practice coming up with magical questions.

9:24Imagine you're talking to a room full of dentists. What could you ask them? Some ideas. What's a Halloween candy you love but would never recommend to your patients? Who has your favorite smile and why? What do you think is the going rate for the tooth fairy? When was the last time you flossed? And what's your favorite tooth? See if you can come up with any of your own. Or change the prompt. What if you were talking to a bunch of journalists at NPR? Or a group of octogenarians? it sounds like what's required is attunement and presence yes yes you know in the art of gathering i talk a lot about the role of a host and people think about gathering as a source of connection and and meaning and it is but gathering is also about power and as a host you have power and and the role of the host is to practice what i call generous authority so generous authority is you have a role, if you're going to bring people together, to connect them to each other, but also to protect them from each other, right?

10:30You can get cornered all night by so-and-so, you know, when you don't want to be having this conversation or you're running a training and there's like one person who's asking all of the questions and won't pipe down. Like that's actually the host abdicating their role. And so another thing, if you're really going to, you know, start getting into these questions is what are questions that are equalizing? What are questions that everyone might be able to answer that everyone's going to lean in and wait for the answer, but also be really, really excited to share their own? Okay, I have one for you.

11:01Okay. I went around the table at a Mother's Day gathering with a bunch of the women in my life and my sister-in-law, her family. I was thinking about my own body and therapy. And so I asked everyone, what is your favorite part of your body? Oh, I love that. And did you share with them what you just shared with me, which is I'd been talking about my body and therapy? Did you give the context? So I believe that really matters that that anchors everyone to feel like this is not performative or controlling. It's from a well of curiosity in your own life. You're inviting them into your question. You're making it a shared question.

11:50Right. It's like this is something I think that my therapist might have asked me. And then I was like, I want to know what other people feel about this. And I loved that my sister-in-law's grandmother, she said everything. She loves every part of her body. And part of what's so beautiful in that cross-generational, intergenerational conversation is this older woman is saying something, surprising, counterintuitive. Wow, we can have a different story about aging. Wow. It's okay to be a woman and love all parts of my body. Wow. What a beautiful question. We'll have more Life Kit after the break.

12:42This message comes from Takeoff by IXL, the K-5 core math curriculum that continuously differentiates learning. Everything teachers need to personalize instruction is on Takeoff's digital platform. Learn more at takeoffbyixl.com. This message comes from Midi Health. Introducing AgeWell, longevity care designed by women for women. Whether you're looking to prevent future health issues or just feel more like yourself, learn more at joinmidi.com. That's joinmidi.com. Well, okay, I want to ask you one. I'm just going to borrow one actually from our show Wildcard. I don't know if you know Wildcard with Rachel Martin.

13:25Basically, their team came up with a bunch of magical questions, what you would call magical questions. And it's a card game, essentially, because she has notable people on and they choose like one, two or three, and then they turn the card around and they answer. And a lot of them, I think, align with how you've defined a magical question. But here's one that I'd really like to hear your answer to. Does the idea of an infinite universe excite or scare you? Um, yes. Both. Both. I think the idea of an infinite universe excites me at some level because of its dynamism and its kind of full of possibility and ability to hold all.

14:15but it also scares me or makes me feel sad because meaning lies in specificity because power lies within constraints i went to a beautiful play recently at the public theater called sumo about the ancient hierarchical art form of sumo wrestling and in the playwright's letter, she quoted this artist who I forget his name, but he said, art needs an address. Meaning like it needs a body. It needs, you can't just, you explore ideas, right? It needs a frame. You explore ideas of masculinity and hierarchy and identity and norms through six men in a sumo Odin trying to rise to the rings of this art form in a sweaty theater on Sixth Avenue.

15:12And so those questions scares me in a sense because so much of what actually creates meaning and connection specificity is specific and in a moment and doesn't last forever. And so the infinite can sometimes feel like it's overwhelming and that just being in one place is not enough when it actually is, it's actually the way through. Yeah. See, I feel like I just learned so much about you by the way you answered that, what your interests are, but also how you think. And for me, I would have just said, it scares me. So I liked hearing the other side of it, the possibility there. Takeaway three, you can learn a lot about people from their answers to magical questions.

16:00Luxuriate in that. Don't just wait for your chance to have the floor. Priya says, by the way, there are some magical questions that seem to work in every room. I mean, one of my favorite ones someone recently sent in, when was a time you really went all in on celebrating something or someone? What did you do and what were you celebrating? Yeah. To me, my favorite phrase in that sentence is all in. You really went all in. Not when is the time you celebrated someone? When was the time you really went all in? And so even just like talking about a time where we went all in on something gives us the energy and the memory of going all in on something, right?

16:40You know, I think there's something that happens when these questions come up. If you're in a group, you're also deciding which answer you want to give because there are different levels of vulnerability with each answer. And also you're wondering, do I want to share this information with this group? How is it going to change the dynamic? How's it going to bring down the vibe? Because my honest answer to that would be that I went all in on celebrating last year when I finished breast cancer treatment. And my family had a big party. And then also I had a big picnic with friends and it was, it was beautiful.

17:20And it was like something that felt like an accomplishment. I really felt like I saved my own life, you know, and I was willing and interested in letting my community in to that and just like taking a beat to celebrate because it had been so hard. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. So there's two pieces. One is depending on who is asking you that and where you are, and frankly, like your mood at the moment, you may decide whether or not to grace people with that answer or to keep it for yourself. And so even as guests in any situation, it's not like you have, one, you have to answer this. Two, a really good question also allows for choice, right?

18:09There's a range of answers. In some groups or on this podcast, you have enough trust. You've been through this ceremony. You're modeling vulnerability. you've chosen to share with us this beautiful moment. There may be other moments in which you keep that for yourself. All of group life is an endless connection. It's creating a canvas or a platform and inviting people to both have the discernment about what to ask and the discernment about what to share and taking risks that feel reciprocal. In the workplace, when I work with leaders and teach magical questions, one of the most important skills I teach is what I call boundaried connection, which is not connection for connection's sake.

18:48It's not bearing your soul like to all of your colleagues endlessly. It's relevant connection, right? It's connection that what do you need to know about each other to work more effectively as a team? What is relevant, appropriate, meaningful, generous to the group that helps them connect to each other, temporarily equalize, and also protect them from each other? all right takeaway four when answering a magical question consider how vulnerable you want to be and whether your story feels appropriate in a given space you don't have to give the first answer that comes to mind don't be afraid to tell the group you need a moment to think of something and of course you don't have to answer every question that's asked of you in general i love what you said too about keeping the answer for yourself because maybe i have i'm sure i could think of a different answer to that another time that I really went all in on celebrating if I wasn't wanting to share that detail with the group.

19:47But I still thought through the answer for myself. And that's a little gift that I get to go home with. Beautiful. Yes. Many of the gifts, when you gather with intention and generosity, you don't even see. Priya, thank you so much. I've loved this conversation. Thank you so much for having me. I loved your questions. Thank you for hosting me so beautifully.

20:15Okay, time for a few more magical questions from Priya. What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in your pocket? What is one rule you had growing up that looking back now you think was completely unnecessary or even a little funny? And what topic could you give a 20-minute talk on with zero preparation?

20:38And now a recap. Takeaway one, magical questions are interesting to everyone in a group. They're specific, they invite people to tell a story, and they complicate the individual, revealing some layers of their personality or their life experiences. Takeaway two, read the room. This might be a group that would appreciate an icebreaker type prompt, or it might be a group where you've got to be a little more subtle. Takeaway three, you can learn a lot about people from their answers to magical questions. So listen and don't just wait for your turn to talk. And takeaway four, when you're answering a magical question, consider how vulnerable you want to be and whether your story feels right for this space and this group.

21:26For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We have one about how to host a gathering and another on the power of play. You can find those at npr.org slash life kit. And if you love life kit and you, you know, you just can't get enough of us, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share with us, or you want to tell us a magical question you came up with, email us at life kit at npr.org. This episode of life kit was produced by the magical Sam Yellow Horse Kessler. Our digital editor is Malika Garib, and our visuals editor is CJ Riccolon.

22:06Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keeley and Gilly Moon. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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