How a buddy system can help you reach your goals

0:00You're listening to Life Kit from NPR.

0:07Hey everybody, it's Marielle. It's a classic story. We set these big resolutions on New Year's Eve and then dropped them by mid-January. And this happens throughout the year too. We have goals, but life and our routines and habits get in the way. One thing that can help is the buddy system. Francisco Ramirez, who lives in New York, kind of intuitively knew he needed this. He has this stuffed animal rabbit that he keeps on his desk. This is Memo, Memo the Rabbit. Actually, he calls it Memo the High Five Rabbit, because for a while, every time he finished a task... I would give Memo a high five and we'd celebrate.

0:44I had other versions of this with a paper squirrel. I did all sorts of fun, sort of motivating tools. But an inanimate object could only provide so much support. So I remember specifically searching high and low for something that would connect me to somebody who wasn't a stuffed animal or a paper squirrel. Francisco started searching for real-life human accountability buddies. An accountability buddy is someone who you partner with to work on goals together. This can look a lot of different ways. You can know the person before or not. You can be working towards the same goals or different ones.

1:20But what we've heard over and over again is the buddy system works for people, keeps them accountable and motivated. People like Leah Schaefer, who lives outside of Houston. I would sit there in our Zoom meetings and think, I should, quote-unquote should, be able to do this alone. But there is some kind of, like, there's some magic in it. Like, I highly recommend it. On this episode of Life Kit, accountability buddies, or partners. What they are, how you can find one, what to look for in this kind of relationship, and how to set yourselves up for success. Whether you're making New Year's resolutions or setting goals any time of the year, you don't have to go it alone.

2:08Leah Schaefer is writing a novel about vampires. And she goes to his hill country home and they sort of trade blood for a safe place for a little while. The year before Leah met her accountability buddy, Jamie, she'd written maybe one draft of this book. But this year? I've rewritten this three times. I think maybe three and a half. And I wrote two more books, terrible books, but each better than the last. I definitely don't think I would have gotten the work done this last year if I hadn't had Jamie as my buddy and met every week. We heard from Francisco Ramirez earlier. He's the one with the stuffed rabbit.

2:44He uses Focusmate, a website that matches you with a stranger. And you get on a video call, tell each other your goals, then mute yourselves for your 25, 50, or 75-minute session and check in at the end. He's done more than 6 ,000 of these sessions. Yeah, he's really into it. And he's used it to stay on task with lots of things. Anything from knocking out contracts, blazing through invoices, writing my book, studying French, writing thank you notes, whatever it may be. Francisco has seen his Focusmate buddies do all sorts of things too. Practice their juggling, work on jigsaw puzzles. A lot of practicing of pianos, a lot of tubas, everyone's trying to play guitar.

3:24somebody plays the harp who's lovely I met her in person she's fantastic I want you to think about your goals maybe you want to get a new job or start that business or learn how to paint maybe you want to cook more or do those exercises your physical therapist gave you if you've struggled to make the time and space on your own you might benefit from an accountability partner takeaway one accountability buddies can be powerful and effective in helping you reach all sorts of goals. Ayelet Fishback is a professor of behavioral science and marketing at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business.

4:00And she says we need each other. We know that people are social animals. We know that people work in groups. People have been working in groups from the beginning of times. We do things with others. And when others are not around, they are in our mind. One related finding from Ayelet's research is that in the presence of other people, our actions feel more meaningful to us. And that's true even if they're strangers. We had people in China playing badminton as part of some event. And when there were more people in the audience, they felt that they either contributed more to the win or contributed more to the loss, but that what they did mattered.

4:49So this might be one reason accountability buddies work for people. Another is that we've been conditioned to do well in this setup where we have to report our progress to somebody else. Cynthia Pong is the founder and CEO of the career coaching firm Embrace Change. Most of us grew up through some sort of school system where there's a lot of structure and you have to do things on a certain timeline within this container, turn things in, someone else's grading, like there's that entire dynamic and so it becomes really ingrained. Cynthia says accountability buddies can also help because they create defaults in our lives.

5:22We've got a thousand reasons why we shouldn't do the thing. But if it's like a standing situation and you just get into that routine, it will just become reflexive. You know, you don't make room for that risk that you're going to fall off the wagon. By the way, the social pressure that comes with having an accountability buddy might work especially well on you if you're the kind of person who likes to please others. So you want to try it out? Takeaway two, look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed, and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities.

5:58I find the accountability buddies that might be the most helpful are the ones who are going to show up. You know that friend who's a lot of fun, but who cancels plans half the time, or who says they're coming to the party and then they don't come or they say they're not coming and then they do come. Yeah, they're not your best bet for an accountability buddy. No, you want steady Eddie. You want reliable Rhonda. And you want the person who's counting on you to show up too. I would look more for character traits of people who have a certain level of discipline around these things and also are not afraid to be like, hey, Marielle, we said we would do this.

6:36I know that you don't want to, but I'm going to be here at this time So please come. As you're auditioning folks for this role, also consider what kind of encouragement you like. What motivates you? Daniel Wood is 35. He's a graphics reporter at NPR. He lives in a suburb outside of D.C. And three days a week, he meets up with other neighborhood dads to pump iron. We get a text every night the night before, 545 a.m. It's all it says. It's 545 a.m. And there's sort of an expectation that if you're not going to be there, then the person's going to bug you. the next time you see them. Now, if he has a good reason, maybe they'll cut him some slack.

7:12But if he just slept in or something, he's going to hear about it. And that works for him. The optimal amount of shaming in the world is not zero, especially if you consent to it. See, for me, the shaming would backfire. I'd get annoyed and stop showing up. Me, I don't want tough love. I don't want a boot camp instructor. I want a cheerleader. And also somebody who'll show up, remind me how much I've accomplished, and tell me to keep going. Cynthia says whatever it is you need, tell your prospective partners. Then it's great to explain that to the other person so that they can also be like, yes, I can do that.

7:45Or to be honest and be like, listen, I truthfully don't know if I'm going to be able to provide that for you. Now you might be thinking, where am I going to find these people? Could be anywhere, really. Daniel got connected with his group when some guy at a holiday party invited him. A year later, they're all best friends. You could also look for or ask around about an existing group, a writing group, a roller skating club, people who meet up and talk about spirituality or their career goals, whatever it is that you're into. Or if you already have a friend who you think could be a good fit, ask them.

8:20But your accountability partner does not have to be someone you already know. Leah, the vampire novelist, and her accountability buddy Jamie met online. I was on TikTok and just some random dude was like, does anybody want to be accountability buddies with me? And I was like, I don't even know what that is, but sure, I'll try it. And he's an author too. And I just, I said yes. And then we met, I think that same week on Zoom. And I don't think either of us knew exactly what it was going to look like, but we have been meeting every week, every Friday at nine o 'clock for over a year now. And Leah says they've become friends, but their relationship was formed for this purpose, to work on their creative writing.

9:00And that is their primary intention. And then we can kind of chit-chat afterwards about what we're doing in our lives. For her, this dynamic keeps things simpler. I have a sister. She's a writer, too. And I don't think we could do it because we talk too much, you know, about other things. She says it felt easier to do this with a new person than with somebody she was super close to and shared a bunch of history with. It was just lower stakes, right? She didn't feel like she needed to impress him. And that made it okay to fall short sometimes. Also, remember, you don't have to have the same goals as your accountability partner.

9:34Ayelet Fishback says, if your goal is to go running twice a week and you have somebody who wants to do that with you, great. But if not, there are other ways. Maybe this is going to be a person who exercises in their own way. Maybe you meet after you had your separate exercises for a cup of coffee. Maybe you exchange notes by the end of the day or the end of the week. That brings us to takeaway three. Get clear about your goals and track your progress. So you found your buddy. Yay. What are y 'all supposed to do now? You can start by setting some goals. Specificity can be helpful here. At first, Leah and Jamie were bringing a wide-ranging to-do list to the table.

10:20They'd set goals like, I want to clean my cabinets this week. But that got too big and amorphous for them. So I do think one of the pitfalls is trying to have an accountability buddy for all of your goals. I think narrow it down to, you know, whatever this one thing you're meeting about is. They decided to make their sessions just about writing. They meet every Friday morning. He tells her his goals for the week. She tells him hers. Here's an example from the week we interviewed her. When we meet on Friday, I am supposed to have gone through my first 10 chapters in my novel for revisions and recorded five TikToks.

10:54And he's doing, you know, he'll do some marketing, book marketing, because he's got some books out. He'll do some writing goals. And they go through the list from the week before. Did you do this? If yes, great. Excited for you. If no, not a huge deal. They also set monthly, quarterly, and yearly goals. Aiel at Fishback says when you're thinking about goals, it helps to break them down into smaller pieces. What am I going to do this week, this month? Because there's this phenomenon called the middle problem. You see a lot of enthusiasm at the beginning. Then motivation declines. Then when you're about to reach the goal again, you see an uptick in motivation.

11:37So it's kind of a U-shape. For instance, imagine you're saving to buy a house or you're saving for retirement. This is so big and so far that unless we break it into how much I'm going to save this year, It's really hard to feel like your efforts pay off in any way. So maybe you and your accountability partner say, we're going to work out this many times this week, or I'm going to write this many pages of my book and you are going to do X, Y, Z. Talk to your accountability partner about what kind of check-ins will keep you both motivated. This might change over time. Francisco has an accountability buddy outside of Focusmate.

12:17They meet every Sunday at 10 a.m. And when they first started doing it, they created an Excel spreadsheet that each would fill out with their goals and lots of other details. Anticipated obstacle, solution and action item, action items and tasks. How did I do? What worked? What didn't work? And they'd monitor each other's progress during the week. Originally, it was very much like, did you go for that walk today? Oh, I see the checkmark. Yes, you did. Nice work. Eventually, they stopped doing that and realized that the Sunday meetups were enough to keep them both on track. But, you know, life happens.

12:50And that's when you look to takeaway four. If you feel like you're getting way off track or your accountability arrangement is not working for you, troubleshoot. Try something different. The first thing I'll stress here is that even with an accountability buddy, you're not always going to hit your marks. Francisco, who's done thousands of sessions on Focusmate, says he has those moments. At the end of a session, I felt like I didn't get a lot done, which happens all the time because, hello, we're human. And my focus mate partner looked at me in the camera and said, and you showed up. And that's what matters.

13:25I mean, we get off track all the time, right? We don't hit our goals all the time. Leah says there's something about doing this with a partner that actually makes falling short feel like less of a big deal. If you aren't meeting all of your goals, cut yourself some slack. But if you're not seeing any progress or you and your partner keep canceling your accountability meetups, Then Cynthia says, it's time to check in. Maybe your buddy will say, yeah, you know, I'm actually not as into this as I thought. Or this is too busy of a season for me. Let's try again in six months. Or maybe it's something simpler.

13:58The time you chose is not convenient for both of you. So then change the time of the Zoom, you know, or change it to not a Zoom and it's texting. Like, you can try any sort of thing like that to sort of adjust, and you don't need to throw the whole thing out. As you get to know your accountability buddy or buddies, you might notice that you're becoming friends. Like, for real, for real. Maybe that's because partnering up on things we care about can bring us closer to people. Or because you're being vulnerable enough to share your big dreams with someone. And the repetition helps, too. When you see someone consistently, even on a video call, they become a part of your life.

14:38Francisco feels this way about his Focusmate buddies. I have the people that I get to see every day, nearly, who are showing me their cats, eating their crunchies, and there's a lot of sort of, I guess you could call commiseration or moral support around things that we're working on in the world and changes that we're trying to affect or impact. And so it's just so special to be able to connect with people in every corner of the globe and support each other. He's even gone on to meet some of them in person, going to Broadway shows, going ice skating. But even if I don't connect with people in person, it's just really special feeling like you're not alone in what you're striving to do.

15:17For so many of us, even if we're working in office settings, we can feel really isolated. For Daniel, his accountability group banded together during a tough time. One of them had a heart attack last summer. And he says the community the group had already built made it possible for them to step up for their friend. It was just like the most natural scaffolding, I think, to go into a new mode of caring for one another. Basically, these are just like my family in this city. Our wives are friends and there's more than just this group. But this group has made it consistent in a way that I think a lot of American society doesn't have, people don't have the sort of friendships they used to have.

15:59And Daniel says, ultimately, the social aspect of the group and the friendships he's formed, that's what gets him to show up. We listen to music and we talk about our kids, our jobs. We talk about politics and we don't agree. Like, we don't all agree on it. And it's sort of a fun environment and it's like a safe place to do that stuff. And so I don't want to miss out. So there's a little bit of like, if it wasn't, if it was just like me getting out of bed and running, I wouldn't do it. Of course, you know, it doesn't hurt that he's getting a lot stronger in the process. We get sick gains out of it.

16:30You know, we get like super shredded. So that helps. All right, it's time for a recap. Takeaway one, accountability buddies can be a powerful and effective way to reach for what you want in life. Takeaway two, look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed, and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities. Takeaway three, get clear about your goals. It can be helpful to be specific and to break them down into small chunks. And also track your progress. And takeaway four, if you feel like you're getting way off track or your accountability arrangement is not working for you, try something else.

17:08Try a different structure. See if there's something worth holding on to here. Or if you might find a better fit with somebody else. Before we go, we wanted to let you know that we have a special newsletter series that you can sign up for if you want to take a break from drinking. We'll cover everything from how to deal with uncomfortable questions like, hey, why aren't you drinking? to how to make some tasty alcohol-free drinks at home. You can sign up by going to npr.org slash dryjanuary, and you can also find the link in the description for this episode. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes.

17:40There's one about how to make a better to-do list and another about how to keep up with a creative habit. You can find those at npr.org slash lifekit. And if you love Life Kit and want even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash lifekitnewsletter. Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at lifekit at npr.org. This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Grebe. Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.

18:14Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Kweisi Lee and Robert Rodriguez. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.