How to be a working parent? Lower your standards

0:00This message comes from IXL. With IXL, you get personalized online learning and teaching solutions that help improve achievement, empower teachers, and track progress. This one platform for K-12 helps teachers accomplish what normally would require dozens of other tools. Educators can see how their school is performing in real time to make better instructional decisions. IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts. Learn more at IXL.com slash NPR. You're listening to LifeKit from NPR. Hi there, I'm Marielle. I'll be onboarding you today. Welcome to your unofficial orientation to working parenthood.

0:44Now, lucky for you, I'm not going to send you down to the front office to get your ID photo taken. And you don't have to get a laptop set up with IT. But if you open your welcome packet, you'll see that you have your work cut out for you. Going from worker to parent to working parent is no small task. especially if you're making the transition soon after your baby is born, as a lot of us in the U.S. do. What people are doing is they're learning two new roles really fast, under a lot of pressure, with lack of sleep and zero guidance and zero support. And it doesn't have to be that way. It's a ridiculous way to do things.

1:20Amy Beacom is the founder and CEO of the Center for Parental Leave Leadership. It's a consulting firm that helps employers and working parents navigate parental leave. And she says there are things you can do to set yourself up for success here. For instance, before you even go on parental leave. I often say the best way to prepare for leave is to plan your return. You know when you're supposed to report back. So come up with a plan, even if it has to change later. Start to put in mind, where do you want to be? What does your schedule look like for you? So everyone is thinking about that re-entry even before you go.

1:57One tip here, you can ask for a brief check-in from your employer before you come back. That way you're not totally in the dark. Rather than, I haven't talked to anybody in three months, I don't know what's going on at work, and I am this person who is just barely beginning to lift my head up. Now, if you are about to return to work or you're already back, don't worry, you're still in the right conference room. There are things you can do to help yourself at this moment. And this episode is worth your time, because even though this is a really big deal in the life of a person who's returning to work after having a baby, not many employers in America offer tools or training to help.

2:41On this episode of Life Kit, how to be a worker, a parent, and a person all at once. Life Kit reporter and working parent Andy Tegel talks with experts about mom guilt, dad brain, and how we can step into this new, expanded identity. Amy says you don't have to choose just one hat or the other, parent or employee. When done well and supported well, they can really enhance each other. You know, if you can raise a child, you can build a company. And we've spent so much time separating these two and saying, we don't talk about that. That's personal. It's just wrong and it's overdue for a change. That's coming up after the break.

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5:34Andee Tagle:Okay, team, gather up. Thanks again for joining this session of The New Working You. Did everyone grab some coffee? A snack? Great. Our first order of business, timekeeping best practices. Now, I hear you're all looking to work the 50-50 work-life balance shift. Is that right? Well, I don't know. We'll take it up with management. Takeaway one. Find how work can work better for you. Your workplace will often only be as flexible as you ask them to be. When Amy got pregnant, she was teaching about work-life balance as a doctoral student studying organizational psychology at Columbia University. So she thought if anyone would be well-equipped for the transition from worker to working parent, it would be her.

6:25Andee Tagle:Then she had an unplanned C-section and trouble breastfeeding and postpartum depression that turned into postpartum psychosis. At three weeks postpartum, when she had originally planned to return to work, she found herself unable to even lift her child. Let alone imagine going back to work. I just was like, how can we be overlooking this? What is happening here? There's no language. There's no structure. There's no procedure. Like, what have we done? How have we missed this? Now she works to close that gap for other new parents. So if you're listening to this because you have to go back to work on Monday and you are absolutely dreading it, she gets it.

7:08And she says, totally understandable.

7:12Andee Tagle:But there's something that people often miss about the dynamic of coming back from paid leave especially. They don't want you to leave. They don't want to miss your contribution to the organization. If you're a salaried worker, they want you back. They want you happy. They want you engaged and supported and loving your work. She says too often, returning parents just assume their jobs don't have any flexibility. And so they don't ask. Just because it's never been done or you don't think it can be done, don't let that stop you. Think about your ideal return. The first day, week, month. What kind of planning could help you breathe just a little easier on that first day back?

7:58Andee Tagle:One simple idea I thought was genius? Plan to return on a Wednesday or a Thursday. or your mid-workweek equivalent. For office workers, at least, those first few days back can often be bogged down by catching up, admin, troubleshooting. So that gives you time to quietly warm up, clear your inbox, and then come back full swing the following Monday. One parent wanted to come back twice a week for three weeks and then three days a week for two weeks and then four days a week for three more weeks and then full-time. She phased her way back in because that was the transition she needed. Another idea on that front, if you can swing it, starting childcare a few days or even a week early, even if just for a few hours, so that you don't have to deal with the shock of both going back to work and passing off your precious little one at the same time.

8:51Andee Tagle:Or maybe just a small time shift would make a world of difference. Amy told me about one mom she worked with who nervously asked her boss to end her day at five instead of 5.30 because it could save her over an hour in commute traffic. Her boss agreed to the change, but didn't just stop there. The company had an open floor plan. At 5 o 'clock, he stood up, called over to this new mom, and said, Time to go, and walked out with her. What that said to the whole team was, Sally ends at 5. I end at 5 with her. He was actively creating a culture of support for new parents. All this to say, there are a lot of ways to stretch and shift a work schedule if you can get a little creative.

9:36Andee Tagle:I know it's not always that easy to make a change. But in case you have any doubt, it is in an employer's best interest to work with you. Studies show family-friendly business practices pay off as much for workplaces as they do for working parents. All right, next step, let's learn about your new workstation. I'm sure you've heard around the water cooler, the internal working parent operating system is a tad more complicated than your old program. Takeaway two, warning, dueling identities can cause internal system overload. There's no right way to feel about your return, so be easy on yourself as you reboot.

10:19Andee Tagle:So, your routine is upended. Your sleep is, let's just not talk about it. You've got 500 new worries on your brain at any given moment. Your body might be aching, leaking, and stretching in lots of fun new ways. And also, you experience new heights and depths of joy every single day. Your life feels infinitely more purposeful. In parenting, there's so much more than one thing can be true at the same time. This is a relationship coach and dad of two, Aaron Steinberg. You might recognize him from our episode on how to baby proof your romantic relationship. If not, please do add that one to your queue right after this.

10:59Andee Tagle:He says one of the hardest parts about this time is learning to reconcile the person you are now and that person that took your employee badge photo. All of a sudden there's this exploded new identity, which is so vast and so different, I think, than anything that we've had before. And so already we're like a little mushy. You know, we become like a multi-exposed photo where we're not really sure who we are anymore. Of course, you're not the same person that last clocked out. But also, you still kind of want to be, while simultaneously doing nothing else but watching that kid grow. Honestly, for me, that first day back was so confusing, I just all out sobbed until my first morning meeting.

11:42You don't feel like you're doing a good job parenting, and you also don't feel like you're doing a good job at your job. And so you just feel like you're kind of failing all around. And like half a good job at each does not equal one. It's like it gets smaller than the villain, you know?

11:58Andee Tagle:Another common first day sentiment, relief. Yeah, on leave, you might have taken a break from paid employment. But parenting full time is work. Let no one say otherwise. And for many, Parenting is just way more overstimulating and way more difficult than our job. Your freedom is very limited about the things that you can do, the ways you can take care of yourself. There's no best or boilerplate way to feel. So do yourself a favor and pack some extra self-compassion alongside your sandwich today. Well, yeah, I know you want to give everyone 100%, but you're only one person with a finite amount of energy.

12:38Maybe it's a byproduct of the modern world. I don't know. It's all trade-offs.

12:42Andee Tagle:If you're on the early shift tomorrow, should you really take all the night feedings tonight too? Does the bathroom need to be spotless more than your kid needs cuddles, Dad? Mom, will the company stop running if you let the emails wait until morning? I always say to myself, none of this matters. Reshma Sajani is a lot of things. A lawyer, an author, an activist, a founder of two major non-profits working towards gender equality, and a working mom of two on top of all of that. Like at the end of the day, what matters is my family, is my friends, is like my spiritual life. And I think that you have to be able to evaluate what do I really need to get done?

13:28And what is the sense of like, I'm doing this because I have to prove that I have to be productive.

13:33Andee Tagle:Working parenthood is full of hard choices, sacrifices, or both simultaneously. To say nothing of the brain fog, the spit up on your best work shirts, the spats with your spouse, the late nights, the learning curves, the general and pervasive fear, you're getting it all wrong. So this could be a useful barometer to cut through some of the chaos. What's a real need versus just a gold star on your record? How much pressure is self-imposed and how much is out of your control? Reshma says it's crucial to remember that for a lot of Americans, being a parent is a uniquely difficult endeavor. We're the only industrialized nation that doesn't have paid leave.

14:15One in four women go back to work two weeks after having a baby.

14:18Andee Tagle:No federal paid leave, that is. According to recent data from LendingTree, child care for two kids exceeds monthly rent in most metro areas in the U.S. And over half of parents have gone into debt to pay for child-related expenses. Which means, you know, if the car breaks down, if their partner has a health scare, like they are one crisis away from financial ruin. That's part of why Reshma founded Moms First, an organization, quote, fighting for America's moms and policies like affordable child care and paid leave. because in many, many other countries, it is just not a thing to have to choose between your health, financial stability, or your child's safety.

15:05Andee Tagle:So the next time you feel overcome by guilt when you have to drop off your little one at daycare or you drop the ball at work because the baby didn't sleep or got sick, remember, you're not struggling simply because you're not trying hard enough. Not because we need more confidence. not because we have to color code our calendar. We don't have the structural support in order to both be a mother and actually participate in the workforce. And dads need help in this arena too. Sometimes it's correct to feel sad. I haven't been with my child for five nights in a row and I'm sure they miss me and I do feel guilty about that and I wish that weren't the case.

15:45The answer isn't necessarily feel no guilt. It's like just allow yourself to feel that without then adding on to it.

15:52Andee Tagle:And it's important to note on this front. It's okay and very common to not feel okay. One in five new moms and one in 10 new dads will experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder like OCD, postpartum depression, or psychosis. These numbers are based on biological parentage, just FYI. Post-adoption rates are more variable. But in any case, there's a lot of help out there readily available. If you're in need of emotional support quickly, you can call or text 988. That's the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can find a free perinatal mental health screening through the Center for Parental Leave Leadership website.

16:34Andee Tagle:And you can find a lot of other great resources through Postpartum Support International. I also want to mention that if you're a single parent, our experts said that last bit, seeking and accepting help, is especially important and might feel especially hard to do. You have to be graceful with yourself and say, when I weigh all the things of what my family unit needs, I'm doing the best that I can. Noticing places in which you might be attached to not being a burden or not being seen as weak, and look deeper into what's available to you in terms of resources. Support groups like Parents Without Partners or Single Parent Advocate are great places to start.

17:18Andee Tagle:You can also look online for programs specific to your area. The Single Parent Project, for example, based in Utah, offers grants for some parents who don't qualify for traditional government assistance. Let's be clear, though. No matter your career or relationship status, if you're a working parent, you're likely feeling pressed for resources. So often, too often probably, my days and nights can feel like an unending marathon of just getting things done. And yet somehow, I still go to bed feeling like five tasks behind. Can you relate? Let's have a one-on-one about it after the break.

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19:34Andee Tagle:You're listening to Life Kit. Next up, the all-important safety segment. Mental and emotional safety, that is. Burnout, exceeded bandwidth are super common around here. So let's talk about what you can do to set yourself up for success. takeaway three install emotional search protection at home and the office know your limits speak up take breaks one of the best tools you have in your toolbox for making your life easier during this turbulent period remove ambiguity make the things that you think are obvious obvious anyway like a lot of times we get frustrated when we see our caregiver doing something and we think like Why would they ever do that?

20:20That's so dumb. But, you know, everyone's different.

20:22Andee Tagle:This rule can and should apply with any of your relationships. I mean, honestly, we should never assume people can read our minds. But at this tender moment in life, especially when you've got too much on your plate and you're going 100 miles a minute every day of the week, girl, are you sure you can even read your own mind? Be specific. Double check. Ask follow-up questions. Write out your directions, then have your partner proofread them. Better to measure twice and cut once, then have no one to pick up the baby at daycare. This might feel tiresome, but it works in both directions. Like Aaron and his wife, for example, have this great exercise they do at the dinner table.

21:05And people really make fun of us for this, but I think it's really smart. We tell the other person what we want to be appreciated for. I say, here's what I did today that you did not see that I want to be appreciated for. And the kids see that. And so, you know, you kind of create a culture of gratitude and appreciation. And it goes really quickly if you don't have to guess.

21:26Andee Tagle:Another essential, according to Aaron, finding ways to reset after a hard day at work or a hard stretch with a little one. And that doesn't have to be some big vacation. Sure, that would be nice. I would love to give you that. But actually, you can reconnect with yourself in 10 minutes. Like one of Aaron's reset activities is just walking and listening to podcasts. That listening often gets his creative juices flowing and helps him think up new content and book ideas. Super duper simple, right? It works for him for two reasons. One, I have a like part of my sense of self that's all about feeling free.

22:02And that's very inhibited in being a working parent, right? So when I'm just out in the fresh air and no one's attached to me, I feel free in that moment. I can just somehow, it just works.

22:12Andee Tagle:The other part sparks his creativity in a field that's exciting to him. If you don't already have a favorite or exact right thing. Think about like, what are my values? What do I admire in other people? He says we all have personal qualities that we can expand out into reset buttons. For example, maybe you crave novelty. So you just need to take the little one to a brand new park on the other side of town. Change your walking route. Do you need to feel powerful? When was the last time you broke out those weights in the back of the closet? these examples might not sound all that exciting but that's kind of the point well it's not going to work unless i write a new book i'm not going to feel like myself and it's like no actually all i need to do is think of an idea for a book and i feel like myself which brings us to the final module of our training session performance reviews takeaway four parenting changes your thinking and the goalposts.

23:05Andee Tagle:Lower the bar and give yourself, your family, and your career room to grow and change. I think my best advice to parents is lower your standards. Don't expect that you're going to be amazing at everything. Darby Saxby is a brain researcher, professor of psychology at the University of Southern California, and a mom to two teenagers. Her research combines neuroscience and psychology to understand how close connections shape health and well-being. And her upcoming book, Dad Brain, is all about the science of fatherhood. She says no matter who you are or how you come to assume the role, man or woman, pregnancy, adoption, fostering, parenting is hugely transformational for both the brain and the body.