How to dump an energy vampire

0:00This is Ira Glass. On This American Life, one thing we like is a good mystery. Sometimes about really big things, but most times the little mysteries are the best. Our lost and found is currently filled with pants. I don't know. I've never seen this happen. Is this true? This is true. Mysteries of every size, each week, This American Life, wherever you get your podcasts.

0:29I think there's like a gnome stealing my jewelry. You better do some kind of trick. An ancestral ring, one gold hoop earring, a necklace with the Virgin Mary on it have all gone missing. I think you need to provide an offering. Yeah. You need an offering to the borrowers, yeah. Yeah. Clearly they need some things. What do you think they like? I think you should, can I just say an idea? Please, yeah. Offer like a decoy tray of like other jewelry and like put it in an obvious place and so they can be attracted to that decoy jewelry. Oh.

1:03What about those fake gold coins? Yeah. Like chocolate coins? I think they're trying to get your attention that they need some useful things. Like get a Barbie car, get a little Barbie mansion, you know? They're telling you. What do you people want? They're taking your valued things because they need some things of value, I think is what's happening. Are we waiting for something? No. Okay, we're just talking. But I feel like this is very actionable advice. Thank you. Thank you. This should be the bonus tip, actually.

1:32Okay, well, hi, it's Mariel Cigarra. Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, the series where you send us your questions and we try to dole out some helpful advice. We're actually trying something new today. All of the advice is going to come from us, the Life Kit team, with help from the collective wisdom in our archives. And as always for Dear Life Kit, reporter Andy Tegel is here. Hi, Andy. Hey, Mariel. And we've also got our digital editor, Malika Garib here. Hello. Let's get right into it with our first question. Andy, you want to read that one? Okay. Dear Life Kit, this is going to sound super petty, and it kind of is, but I'm worried about losing my friends when my life is going better than theirs.

2:18One of my friend's parents is having health issues. Another friend is struggling with bills, and another is caring for their grandparents. I've become scared to share things with them because my problems don't feel as big. And I've recently had some positive things happen in my career. We're all in our early 20s, and I know it's not abnormal for everyone to be on different paths and such, but I'm still worried about stoking resentment. What do I do? Yeah, I mean, I get this. And it's going to be very common in all of our lives that sometimes when you're up, other people are down and vice versa, right?

2:53And also sometimes even within your own life, often parts of your life are up and parts of your life are down. Like I have had personal experience with when I got cancer, people, close friends of mine feeling like they shouldn't tell me certain things in their lives. And actually it wasn't even good stuff happening. It was bad stuff, but stuff that they thought didn't compare to having cancer at 34. So they were like, well, she's going through chemo, so I can't talk to her about my breakup. And I didn't feel that way at all. I remember saying to them— It's like pain Olympics, and they were like— Yeah, that's not how I see the world.

3:34And I do think fundamentally that we have to be able to be there for the people we love, whether their lives are up or down, that it's just as much of a service to others to show up for them when the good things happen and not hold it against them? Well, I have a question about that. Because like, if you do go through a breakup and you see that all your friends are getting married or getting with people, yeah, I don't want to hear about the fact that you're getting married, right? Like, why is it in that situation that it's kind of normal to like not want to hear, oh gosh, they're getting married.

4:08But then, yeah, it's interesting that you're saying that when you were going through cancer and going through this horrible thing, that it was okay for you to hear about other breakups? Is it because the context was totally different? I think the context being different helps. And I also had no problem hearing about the good things in people's lives. It actually just reminded me that there was good on the other side of what I was going through. Like my friends being in Europe, you know, with their kids and sending pictures, I was like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to go there when I'm done with treatment.

4:35But I think, yeah, you want to make sure with your friends that you're also showing up for them And not just asking, how are you? Like if if awful things are happening in their lives, then you want to be present and think about like what you're good at and practical ways you could show up. Like if they're going to a lot of doctor's visits, maybe you're you're good at being pushy and advocating for someone or maybe you're good at organizing the meal train or maybe you're really good at emotional support. You want to think about the specifics of the situation that they shared with you and how you can show up for them.

5:08A trick that I found helpful with this is something that I got from the team. What is it? And it was just ask in the reverse situation, would you be offended? You know, like if something bad was happening to me and something good was happening to my friend, would it hurt my feelings? Would I want to bring my friends down with me? Like, of course not. Like I would, you know, if someone is in your corner, I found in my personal experience, like if someone is in my corner, they're in my corner no matter what. And if someone wants to yuck on my yum, they're going to yuck on my yum no matter how well they're doing.

5:40You know what I mean? That's true. Also, it's a good, this is maybe a good litmus test too. It's like if she can come to these people, her friends, and like she feels comfortable enough to celebrate with them no matter where they are and they like, yes, I think reciprocate is important. I think that's like a sign that like it's a good friendship. But if they're like, if she doesn't feel comfortable in that space too, then maybe it's also not a good sign. Right. This message comes from Babbel. Babbel's conversation-based language technique teaches you useful words and phrases to get you speaking quickly about the things you actually talk about in the real world.

6:14With lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts and voiced by real native speakers, start speaking with Babbel today. Get up to 55 % off your Babbel subscription right now at babbel.com slash NPR. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash NPR. Rules and restrictions may apply. Every episode of It's Been a Minute, NPR's What's Happening in Culture podcast starts by asking three questions. Who? How? Why now? If the culture's asking it, we're talking about it. At NPR, we stand for your right to be curious and indulge your cultural curiosity. Follow It's Been a Minute wherever you get your podcasts, and we'll break down the zeitgeisty topics that are filling your feed.

7:01Let's go to question two. What do you think? Yeah. All right. Question number two. Dear Life Kit, how do you deal with people you can't stand but are forced to interact with on a regular basis? I'm in high school, and there's this person who I have many classes with, share mutual friends with, but she's an energy vampire. She loves to one-up me and has a mean sense of humor. How can I set clearer boundaries or make my interactions with her less painful? Okay, so I have to tell you guys something. I, like, attract energy vampires. I don't know how and why, but they come to me, they dump on me. They tell us more.

7:38They vent at me and they talk at me and then they don't leave me any room to speak. And I think that it's because I'm way too nice. And I don't have any boundaries with friendships, too. It's like I'll just keep hanging out with a person because I feel obligated. So for this high school student, I spent a lot of time looking through all of our friendship episodes. And I found the perfect advice for you. I'm ready. From an interview with the writer Rachel Wilkerson Miller, who wrote the book The Art of Showing Up, How to Be There for Yourself and Your People. And her advice was this. Break up with a friend like you would break up with a partner.

8:15Here's what you might say to this energy vampire. Listen, I appreciate that you want to be friends with me, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I know we're in a lot of classes together, so let's try to be cordial with each other when we see each other. But for now, I'd appreciate if you gave me a little bit of space. I hope you understand. Hmm. That seems like maybe easier to say over text. Yes. I mean, I think that your response, Malika, I also think it's a mature one. Maybe a little too mature. Yeah, here's the thing. Okay, so my initial thought was I think it's a mature one, and I think it would be very good in an ideal world.

8:55Right. But high school is very far from an ideal world, right? You're right. Yeah, I think it's very far from an ideal world. So what would you do? Okay. So my solution, the first thing that came to my mind, it's a weird one, stick with me. Okay. But the first episode that came to my head, the first advice that came to my head was the episode on how to raise a toddler, on how to talk toddler. Oh, my God. That is not the connection I thought you were going to make, but say more, please. Okay. okay, this person can be really, sounds really irritating, sounds like they're being really illogical, like they're being really nonsensical, not very far away from a toddler.

9:29And when you are communicating with a toddler and you want them to change their behavior, you have to be really creative. So sometimes that means you have to like out wacky their wacky. Sometimes you have to distract them or give them like a hard time limit. Oh, yeah. In the case of like an all-out tantrum, like if this person is being really mean, then what you have to do is like mentally disengage, protect your peace, you know, do nothing to fan the flames. Yeah. Or I might try to like positively reinforce someone else's behavior, you know. Like I might like go to someone who I actually think is cool and like try and talk to them about that thing that I thought.

10:04Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like I might just like turn my back. Or just like not respond to what they said and literally be like. They tell a mean joke. Yeah. You say something mean about me, Malika. I know I can't imagine it ever. I truly can't imagine it happening. But you say something mean to me or you one-up me and I just literally, like, don't respond to you. Like, eyes glaze over and I'm like, Andy, I love your jumpsuit. Totally. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Just, like, don't – you don't have to laugh at the joke, right? Like, they can't keep telling the jokes. You don't have to laugh at the joke.

10:32Or even, like, even if I was just talking to you, I could be like, did you say that you were going to the beach this weekend? Or just something like that. Like, the distraction thing I think could be really helpful. Yeah. Sometimes when people are mean, I feel like it's coming from an insecure place and like trying to prove you're so cool. And so just being hard with them, like being a little like like you can be there's this meme that I saw that I really love. It's a bunny rabbit holding a medieval weapon. Like it's like it has like a chain and with like a ball on the end and a bunch of metal spikes.

11:05And it says soft but not available for mistreatment. Dang. I love that. You know what? That's how I feel. That's how I feel like I am. Like, people feel like they, that's why I attract the energy vampires, I think. It's because I think they can just, sort of, like, dump on me. But, like, I think that I have to have, like, a boundary. Like, this is the thing about this person. It's like, you're very nice to, like, entertain these kind of treatment. But, like, yeah. Just let her know. Yeah. Let them know. You're soft, but, like, don't mistreat me.

11:35All right. Let's go on to question three. Okay. Let's do it. Dear life, Kit. I have a co-worker who I absolutely adore, and we're friends outside the workplace as well. She has three young children, and she prioritizes being a good mom over things at work. But when she has to call out for doctor's appointments, sick days, or holidays, the job of picking up the slack at work tends to fall on me. Our boss doesn't see the problem, and I realize it's my own fault for taking things on. I have a lot of trouble delegating or asking for help, since I often find myself so stressed that it's easier just to do things myself.

12:10I'm happily childless myself, and I want my friend and co-worker to be able to prioritize her family. I feel terrible for feeling resentful. How do I stop this cycle of stress? Quit your job. Just kidding. Just kidding. Okay. I think this is a really juicy question. And at first glance, it seems like a parent versus child-free values type of question, I think. But I think actually this is a you versus you question. Personally, I think that's what it is. Do you agree? Yeah, I agree. I agree. It's a you versus the perceived expectations of you, the largely unstated expectations of you, letter writer.

12:51And I want to just start by saying the people pleaser in me sees the people pleaser in you. just say something I learned recently from our episode on the book Drained from a professor named Leah Rupaner is that sometimes when it comes to the mental load sometimes you need to separate out what is required of you what you're taking on out of obligation and what you actually want to be doing like does it really have to be on you to take on this work besties load you know Do you have to raise your hand every time? Does anyone have to raise their hand for this work? You know, are your deadlines real deadlines?

13:27These are the things that I'm thinking of. What about you guys? And I think ultimately, like, I know sometimes if we care about our jobs or even if we're diligent type of people, we feel like the work is our responsibility. And if it doesn't all get done, then it's on us. But ultimately, it's the company's responsibility. And it's the company's problem if it's not all getting done. Yeah. And their challenge to figure out. Right. That's exactly what I said. It's like it sounds like you need to talk to your boss about this. It sounds like you have tried before and it has been successful. Like one conversation, it doesn't have to stop at one conversation, right?

14:02So like it seems like it's time to ask your boss for a meeting. Give yourself time to have to think about what you want to say. And when you do that, data is your friend. Keep your receipts if you haven't already. Arm yourself with information. If you feel like you've been doing a lot of the work for a lot of the time and you're okay with that, then maybe it's time for a new role, a new title, more money. so that you can feel less resentful. Let this be your flag, red flag. Yeah, or if you're not, then let your boss know, I'm doing way too much and it's time to pare back. I think that another point here is often in the workplace, people who have kids are given more leeway or more like help.

14:46And I understand that they do need the support, but that doesn't mean that someone who's child-free should just automatically have to work more than someone who has a kid. Absolutely. Like, yeah, we've done an episode on how to be child free. And part of that is just reinforcing that that is a valid choice. And it doesn't make you a better person, a more upstanding member of society, or more important because you have kids versus someone else. Maybe you need to hear that, actually. Maybe the letter writer needs to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. I had the exact same thing to say. Brittany Luce, the host of It's Been a Minute, came on to Dear Life Kit a few months back, and she had this great line.

15:26She says, I'm going to give as much as I can lovingly and no more. Because if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either going to – it either leads to conflict or you end up feeling shortchanged. So I think it applies to these friends here. It applies at work. It applies to friends. It applies to family. You know, I will – I'll give you as much as I can that I can give lovingly. But as soon as I feel any sort of bitterness in my mouth, that's the line. That's the line. It doesn't matter if I have kids, if I don't have kids, whatever I can give lovingly. Yeah. Once I'm unhappy about it, that's the line to stop.

15:58Then you're asking too much. Wow. That also applies to the other letter writer with the energy vampire. Yeah. Probably applies to all of them. That's right. That's good advice. I think so, too. Thanks, Brittany Luce. Snaps to Brittany Luce. Yeah.

16:15If you have a question for LifeKit, dear listener, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about health care, about staying organized, exercising, messy breakups, annoying friends, whatever you got. Email us your question or record yourself asking it and send the file to lifekit at npr.org. I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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